also check out How To Have Lesbian Sex For The First Time!
Every month, straight girls are bombarded with tips regarding how best to sexually please their male partner. But what about girls that want to please girls. Where are our sex tips?
OH — Here. Both from reader submissions and bona-fide experts, here are your Lesbian Sex Tips!
*
General Lesbian Sex Tips
“I had to navigate lesbian sex intuitively at first, experimenting with licking here and sucking there and grabbing this and grasping that. Essentially, lesbian sex was like playing hide-and-seek in the dark, only vaginas were directly involved. Initially, I spent a very long time down there, in that wondrous territory undiscovered by my adolescent self. Lucky for me (and her), I was a pretty good navigator.”
“I only have one tip: Let your hair sort of trace her back longitudinally from her buttcheeks up to her neck, then carry on with whatever. I fucking go insane.”
“It’s pretty easy to tell if you are pleasing a girl: If her nipples are hard, she is breathing heavily, moaning, not asking you to get out of her bed, etc, then you’re probably doing something right. If she seems like she would rather be watching the “Oprah” series finale then fucking you, then it’s time to step up your game.”
*
“LOVE what you’re doing. (If you are not 110% in the game how do you expect your girl to be?)”
“Earlobes, nipples, and the area right below the belly button are direct links to the vagina.”
“Eye contact can seal the deal.”
“Feathers are AWESOME.”
*
“Though sex generally seems to happen sooner rather than later for most lesbians, there are bonuses to waiting, especially if you’re in a new relationship. By the time you get naked you already know each other’s bodies from all the making out, and there’s more trust and love there.”
*
also:
“First: erogenous zones. I had her writhing, sweating, literally distraught in the palm of my hand. Kept her going for 6 straight hours.
Secondly: ice. Make your room a bit too hot. Do not have a fan. Suggest that she take off her shirt and leave to get her water. Bring back a cup full of ice. Hold ice cube in hand and drip water on her. Find yourself on top of her and have your way.
Lastly: [REDACTED THING ABOUT KNIVES]
(from Jo Vincent)
*
Going Down:
via fuckyeahfemmes.tumblr.com
“After my first few times going down on a lady, I came to appreciate the many subtleties of bum-grabbing in the context of oral sex. Seriously, there’s nothing like putting a woman’s knee over your shoulder, hoisting her up by the bum-cheek, and going right to town.”
“Lying between her legs may be a recipe for neck-ache; pop a cushion under her bum for a more comfy angle, or get her to hang her legs over the edge of the bed, or sit on a chair or table, to enable easier access. Be a cunning linguist — use your lips as well as your tongue to nibble, lick and suc her whole vulva — and make soem noise! The more delicious she feels, the better the result.”
– “However Do You Want Me?” DIVA UK Magazine, May 2011. The Sex Issue.
“You kiss the lips on her face sensually, don’t you? *insert PAUSE* …Ok then. Need I say more?”
*
How to Squirt
via brownbodies.tumblr.com
“How can you learn to ejaculate? You can explore your urethral sponge or G-spot with a
firm, curved dildo or your fingers (particularly if you have long arms or a short torso or are particularly flexible). Make sure you’re well aroused… Insert your fingers or dildo, aiming for the front (anterior) wall of the vagina. Stroke this area with a “come hither” motion. If you use your fingers, you’ll feel the difference in texture between this area, which is rough, and the rest of the vaginal walls, which are smooth. Some women like to stimulate the opening of the vagina just below the urethra. You can also press down on your pelvis with your free hand, applying pressure just above the pubic bone. Stimulate your 0-spot until you feel intensely turned on and like you’re about to pee. As you approach orgasm, push out, as if urinating. The stream you produce is ejaculate.”
– Felice Newman. The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us
*
How to Make Her Come:
“I wish I could say exactly how I made a woman come for the first time, but there’s no go-to “trick” for pleasing a woman in bed. You have to rely on intuition and instinct. You have to listen, and feel, and play. Don’t be meek – nobody likes a Nervous Nancy when it comes to muff-diving. Just trust yourself and put your focus on her body, her pleasure. The rest will come intuitively… as long as you’re not an idiot.”
“Pay attention to when she quivers, jerks, twitches (assuming that she isn’t going through an epileptic fit). Do whatever it was that made her body react again. If there’s more reactions and she’s relaxing in pleasure, you’re on to something. This works especially well when you’re new and you have no idea what’s going on. Let her body be your guide.”
“This is my standby for getting off partners who have some difficulty orgasming: Have her lie on her belly or get on all fours and position yourself behind her. Stimulate her g-spot with your palm downward and fingers (with short, neatly filed nails) gently pointed to her front. She can stimulate her clit manually or with a vibe (or you can with your thumb or other hand, if you’re feeling up to multitasking). Also in this position, you can and should: pull her hair, stroke her back, grab her ass,
etc.” (Contributed by Jessie)
*
SCISSORING!
“How to Scissor: Bit of a lesbian legend this one and doesn’t work for every couple. If it does though, stand by for fireworks. There are two basic positions. In classic scissors, you both lie down, open your legs and scootch together from opposite directions (so your pussies meet) and rub your clits together. If you prefer more body contact, one of you can lie on her back, legs apart, while the other goes on top with one leg between her partners and one thigh drawn up to enable cuntact. She can reach under her partner’s bum to bring her closer. This will either work or it won’t, it depends a lot on how your bodies “fit.” But worth a try, eh? TIP: Don’t save the lube for penetration, scissors feels fantastic with extra slip ‘n’ slide. Add a vibrator between you for extra va-va-vrrrrrrom.”
– “However Do You Want Me?” DIVA UK Magazine, May 2011. The Sex Issue.
*
Safe Sex:
doodle by taylor for autostraddle
“Put a drop of lube on your girl’s pussy before you slap on the dental dam— it increases sensation.”
Always have a small Ziploc bag in with your safer-sex kit. Use it to cleanly dispose of used dams, finger cots, condoms, etc. if you’re not near a trash can. (Useful if you’re at a sex party or even in the middle of the living room.)
I might have larger-than-average hands, but I always bring my own rubber gloves to a sex party— there’s nothing less sexy than trying to struggle into a too-small pair of gloves while a girl is waiting for you to finger her.
“Finally, one of the best things that you and your partner can do to protect yourselves and one another, is to communicate! Talk about your sexual history, whether you’ve had sex with men in the past, if you’ve been tested before and if you haven’t been tested, (once more, with feeling! … ) get tested!”
– Sara, Lesbian Safe Sex 101
Disclaimer: All of the photographs on NSFW Sundays are taken from various tumblrs and do not belong to us. All are linked and credited to the best of our abilities in hopes of attracting more traffic to the tumblrs and photographers who have blessed us with this imagery. The inclusion of a photograph here should not be interpreted as an assertion of the model’s gender identity or sexual orientation. If there is a photo included here that belongs to you and you want it removed, please email our tech director at cee [at] autostraddle dot com and it will be removed promptly, no questions asked.
Re the knives thing…I’d check if she has any issues with this first. As a self-harm survivor, that would not be a good thing for me to experience. Even reading that part of the article was pretty triggering for me.
(And about 50% of UK gay and bi women under 20 have selfharmed, compared to 20% in the wider population (Stonewall survey) so it’s definitely worth asking.)
That and you never know if you have a secret psycho laying in your.
your bed.* Oops!
there’s some great tips in the article but that knife one would make me put my clothes on and run away as fast as I could while calling at&t to change my phone number
exactly. i saw that tip, did a huuuge intake of breath, and apparently worried my roomie by saying out loud, “NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.”
especially with someone you don’t know very well! oh god! that scenario was terrifying!
Me too. Consent is important! Pulling knives on people is NOT okay.
No one said anything about pulling knives. She said to introduce it and assure her you wouldn’t hurt her. Also, if you’re having sex, Enn, I hope you do know them very well.
I am looking for a girlfriend
But if you think that, she shouldn’t be there to begin with
THIS THIS THIS. That was somewhat triggering for me as well. And yeah, if a lady pulled that shit without checking with me first, that would be an absolute, end-everything dealbreaker.
I was also gonna comment on this, my brother’s schizophrenic and surprise knives are a no-go for me.
See, I’m kinky and I’m into knifeplay. However, I’m only into it, if I’ve negotiated this scene BEFOREHAND. If someone pulls a knife on me, without asking what my hard limits, safewords, etc are, I’m outta there, kinky or not.
Exactly. Which is true of ALL kink play! Kinkiness is a huge turn-on, but attempted play that isn’t safe, sane, and consensual (SSC) is a clear indication for me that they aren’t someone I’d WANT to play with.
I actually thought that comment was a sarcastic shout-out to L Word until I finished the sentence.
I agree, using a knife on someone who has been abused or has self-harmed might be really bad. I have an addiction to self-harm so it would be a bad idea.
I dunno if its just me, but I have never performed safe sex, do people really use dental dams and gloves? And what are the gloves supposed to be protecting you from? Surely you can just wash your hands afterwards.
I’m right there with you. The other day I asked a room full of vet lezzies what exactly safe sex for girl/girl relations was and the consensus was pretty much dental dams (which none had ever used) and evals between partners. Sooo…
No on the dental dams, but PLEASE do always wash your hands thoroughly before fingerbanging. Seriously. Even if you think it might happen, slip off the restroom at some point and lather up.
I’m just saying, *some people* may get a yeast infection every single time unwashed hands are involved. Lots of people have a very delicate pH balance…
Well, that’s enough sharing for a lifetime. But seriously!
old standby: “Wash your fucking hands, Tegan.”
that was my desktop background for forever.
http://www.autostraddle.com/effing-dykes-what-lies-beneath-her-nails-68129/
One word: pinworms.
That article will forever haunt me ;_;
God, I’ve been obsessive about checking fingernails since I first read that article.
nice…. that’s good to hear cos your partner will be safe.
I have always since before I had sex for the first time kept my nails cut short it does especially hurt if someone has long nails and if it doesn’t hurt u then u are a warrior
the gloves protect your chick’s vadge from infection. dirt and bacteria from under your nails however short they may be can cause super nasty things to happen to a lady’s lady parts. :)
they can cut, scrape and tear the inside of her vagina if the sex is rough and tumbly too.
it does happen.
and like if u tongue bang some chick in the bathroom of a club and she’s got the herps, you might find yourself with a lovely gift from her on your lip in a few days if you weren’t careful.
i’ve used finger condoms and latex gloves for fun mostly…like the feel of it is dope and it just adds an extra element to sex.
but to be honest, dental dams can be kinda awkward but maybe that’s like when dudes say “condoms feel weird”…
This is where a major misconception lies. Genital herpes cannot mutate into oral herpes. Other STDs are a different story, but in regards to herpes, they are two different strains.
That is true they are different strains, but typically oral (HSV-1) herpes can appear on the genitals, and typically genital (HSV-2) herpes can appear on the mouth.
See also: herpes.com/hsv1-2.html
Hey there I am a Nurse Practitioner, and you are quite wrong about the herpes virus. They are most definitely transferable from oral to vaginal and vice versa. especially oral to genital…a cold sore can result in genital herpes very easily, and you can often spread the virus without even having an outbreak.
I suppose if you have an open cut or hangnail and you fuck someone with hepatitis or HIV you might possibly catch it. So gloves would be a good idea there.
I would have to say the best way to not contract anything is to (shocker) GET TO KNOW THEM BEFORE YOU F**K THEM. Check out when they last got tested, if they have anything (hopefully you know them well enough to know if they’re lying or not)
Maybe talking about it’s not the sexiest thing in the world, but neither are the STD’s you caught because you didn’t know.
On a related note, has anyone used regular condoms in an unusual way? I’ve heard of using them instead of finger condoms, and cutting them open to use as dental dams…does that work?
I actually work as a nurse in OB/GYN. It’s really rare but it is possible if a woman has a cut (or even a cuticle that tore, etc.) for fluids to be exchanged (and therefore possibly STI’s as well) during fingering.
what kinds of stds?
“nobody likes a Nervous Nancy when it comes to muff-diving”
I feel like I’m woefully uninformed about the existence of sex parties.
I feel this way also.
i am pleasantly oblivious to sex parties. i would like to remain so. it kind of feels like roller coasters. i just ask myself whywhywhy? my life is already so exciting, just trying to eat breakfast before it’s lunchtime and trying to stay connected in a real way to the one person I am dating.
This.
Thank you. I felt like the kid who sits alone in the cafeteria when I read that. As long as everyone isn’t having sex parties without me, I feel better.
During my freshman year of college, my father made a lesbian friend while he was in the seminary (not joking). He called me to tell me that she had informed him that STDs were still possible. He then asked if I used dental dams. He said he would appreciate it if I did.
I just hope none of you ever have to hear your father say “dental dams.”
“still possible” even for lesbians, of course.
^ The last line made me snort in my tea. I’m going to be cracking up about it still when I call my dad later for Father’s Day.
Srsly, that is equal parts adorable and horrifying. Good for your dad though! What a champ!
PSA: Not all women can physically ejaculate, so if you try and you STILL can’t, you might not be doing anything wrong. You’re not broken, and it’s not that she’s not turning you on enough, some women just can’t do it!
*the more you know*
This is very true…not all can.
I am INCREDIBLY blessed that I can….and I ADORE it…so if your partner can (or don’t know) it is sooooo worth giving it a try…
just sayin’ : )
Yup, what you said. No harm in trying :D!
I think they all can do it. ALL of them.
Also, some people can do it but just aren’t that into it!
It’s impressive and all but seriously, the mess is not always worth it.
Ditto that. Some people can really flood the sheets. Not the most comfortable for sleeping on after…
(save it for laundry days ;) )
Seriously. I’ve done it before and I fucking hate it. If things even look like they’re headed in that direction, I ask my partner to stop immediately.
yeah i agree with that. it’s kind of hot while it’s going on but honestly it doesn’t feel as good for me as a normal orgasm.
If you like it, and they like it, and the mess is the only factor…you should probably get one of these: http://www.liberator.com/eng/product/fascinator-throes/10342
Problem solved with expensive blankie. :)
Yes.
In fact, not all the ladies (and other vagina owners) even like being penetrated. And that’s okay. There’s still plenty of fun to be had.
I was watching Real Sex on HBO the other night, and while it was mostly het-centric (I don’t know if the series as a whole is or just that particular episode; they did have a polyamory segment so not totally heteronormative), they had this one part with cornstarch massages. You just dry sprinkle it wherever and apparently it’s like silk. That last photo reminded me of it, definitely trying it sometime :D
he last 2 things under the 2nd heading (the “also” section) would make me burst out in laughter and then potentially dump a girl. I’m sorry, but those sound RIDICULOUS. A knife? excuse me, I mean “the biting edge of metal.” HA. Really?
Some like it, some don’t. Different strokes! :-D
With a new partner you should work your way up to that or talk about it first. Otherwise, like you said, you might get dumped!
I mean, of course different tastes are fine. I don’t think many who read this site would suggest otherwise. I’m just sharing my reaction. Which is: HAHAHHAHAA.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound like I was criticizing you. I think I chose my words poorly.
What I should have said was, it would be utterly wrong for someone to do something like that without talking about it first. Anyone who would do that without explicit consent and boundaries does indeed deserve to get dumped.
I can see why some people would like that. That would completely freak me out though and, if sprung on me suddenly, would be a total deal breaker. As in, now I put on my clothes and leave and leave it at that. Basically–ask for what you want but be prepared to hear “no.”
This is why the talking thing is important because no one wants to find out months in that they’re never going to get to do what they want to do. That shit gets awkward.
Hello!- knife play! That can be so exciting. But definitely don’t spring that on someone you don’t know *really* well!
Tickling your partner’s whole body with long hair is super sensuous, and you can use long hair as a whip, too! That makes for a great contrast in sensations.
And do not use dildos on different partners without a condom! Any contact of body fluids can spread diseases.
Trufax.
Sharing sex toys without sterilizing or changing condoms between partners is actually really high risk for contracting HIV, as well as every other STI. The way to get around that and CONSIDERABLY reduce your risk is to use a new condom every time. If you want to share a toy between you and your partner(s), use a new condom every time. So, if it’s been inside you, carefully remove the old condom and put a new one on before it goes on or in them!
If you like it (or even if you don’t) put a new condom on it.
Something I’ve always wondered – does this go for monogamous fluid-bonded partners, too? I don’t know, I could see it being a vector for something like a yeast infection or BV, but… well, anyone have any thoughts?
Yeah, I’m pretty sure it would be a good vector for those conditions…so it’s probably a good idea to clean in between.
Yeast infections are not sexually transmitted, so sharing toys and the like should not cause one partner to get a yeast infection if the other one has one. (With that being said, probably it is not the best idea to be engaging in significant penetrative sexual acts while one partner has a yeast infection, because the vaginal tissue may already be/can become extremely friable and irritated). The literature is sort of inconclusive on BV, it’s unclear whether it is sexually transmitted, but the higher incidence sometimes seen in female same-sex relationships may have to do with exchanging vaginal fluids that are different pH. Short version: it’s always good to clean when switching from one partner to another.
This is not entirely true. While yeast infections are generally not considered/classified with STIs, you CAN PASS IT TO YOUR PARTNER. In fact, you can pass your yeast infection to your partner, treat your own, and then re-contract it from her.
I am in fact in a monogamous long term relationship (13 years), I’ve just read a lot about safer sex. We don’t use any kind of protection; there is fluid contact all over the place (wow, that sounds more graphic than I intended). We know that neither of us have any diseases, so for us there’s no reason to use protection. If one of us has any unpleasant yeasty symptoms (hardly ever happens, thank god), then we pretty much don’t have sex, but if we did we probably just wouldn’t do anything that involved mingling fluids, just because it seems icky.
I thought that it was possible to “catch” a yeast infection, but I have been schooled by Sarah! Thanks! I’ll have to look into that! :)
Definitely all awesome suggestions for great sex. The only thing missing from the list of ways to drive your girl crazy: ask her. Dirty talk can be a huge turn-on.. when you’re telling your partner exactly what you like, where you like it. Especially when it’s with someone new, this is my car, I shouldn’t expect you to know how to drive it right away.
Once you know how to drive stick shift you can drive anything.
BONUS POINTS:
talk to her in the other language you speak.
an ex of mine used to drop a little french during sex times and i’m married now so i won’t say anymore than that…haha.
and the little spanish i do know has always worked for me.
Hmm…That does sound a bit intriguing. Too bad I’m a monolingual amurrican. :[
…I know some ASL. How will that work? :P
!!!!
it means you can speak directly to her lady parts!
sign language is such a turn on for me! &maintaining eye contact is a must for ASL… it would be so hot to have someone look me in the eye &tell me what they wanted, with their hands. *shiver* i’m learning ASL too ;)
This would be the benefit of knowing the romance languages. I have a feeling the little Norwegian I know so far would not have quite the same effect as French or Spanish. But maybe I’m wrong!
Nooo, I think any language would work. I’d be stoked if my hypothetical sexytime partner talked to me in Norweigan, German, Japanese, Russian, Hindi, Swahili….Whatever, anything besides english is hot! Especially if you use the right tone of voice. :P
yeah, the secret is saying it in a lower tone. even better, whisper it in their ear.
r
true! I speak 4 languages and that is always a hit
yup, I’m a real cunning linguist.
I would expect no less from someone as well travelled as you.
haha WIN
that is so true and such a good tip.
spanish and french always work the magic, maybe not so much with japanese because then it leads to conversation that deviates from sexytime (weird japan/anime/sushi, hey this one may lead to a date)
How sexy is Hebrew? I may employ this in the future now…
Very sexy.
I’m so asking my partner how to get to the library in French next time we have sex.
Chinese is so not sexy.
So true! One of my exes was a lecturer in Ancient Greek, and when we were in bed together she would often quote (among other things) original verses from Sappho in ancient Aeolian/Greek to me. It was incredible.
oh hay just want to geek out and say LOVE the name it’s not the every day queer girl that reads 16th century epic poetry
Ditto!
Actually I also thought about Marfisa, but I’d already named my character in Dragon Age that –
and now I’m very aware that in saying this I’m also geeking out, albeit in quite a different domain…
Also, this article made me realize how badly I need to have sex. *le sigh*
PSA: doesn’t matter how hot the girl is: some women don’t have orgasms not ever, and if she’s on of those don’t be insulted and dont feel like she’s not enjoying it.
MMMMHMMM.
If you know you’re one of those, you should tell the other person, and if your partner is one of those, just chill and don’t take it personally. Stuff is still fun and feels good.
And for the love of God, the first time you sleep with her, do not assume you will immediately be the one who changes things.
can we just make a shirt that says i am one of those girls? or something. i hate bringing it up. i would much rather the other person be the one having the orgasm anyways. idk i’m weird.
I am that girl! Well, with partners…I haven’t been able to figure out how to convert my “just me” style to a “me and her” style that actually functions.
And guess what? I still love sex. My girlfriend still loves sex with me (and in general, obvs). I hate when people take this stuff personally…it takes two to tango.
before the lady i’m currently dating, i had only orgasmed once with a partner. i dropped that fact early on the first time we had sex, and she later told me that it felt like a lot of pressure had been taken off! aim for sexy fun, rather than being super goal-oriented with a new lay would be my advice for “how to make her come”.
(yes, i know that thats what all sex should be, but with a new partner it can be kind of nerve-wracking.)
I’m one of those people that doesn’t really reach the finish line that easily. The thing is that it’s not that big of a deal to me – it does, however, bother some of my partners.
Isn’t this a common enough thing in les culture that there’s a slang term? I was under the impression that ‘stud’ could refer to a generally dominant les for whom pleasuring the partner is the main experience, with their orgasm (or even being directly physically pleasured at all) either taking the backseat or not being part of the experience at all. Or am I totally off here?
Good lord sensory overload on this page. 80~~
Tips on gloves: lube + gloves = slippery fun! really, feels amazing! also, unless you’re into some Doctor-patient role play, or mad-scientist role play, go for a color other than the standard yellowy-neutral color. Black is kinda fetishy and hot, and I think there are a few different color options (pink!) around too.
If you’re dating someone who works in a lab, chances are they’ve got access to tons of funky colors. My lab alone has purple, green, blue, yellow…though if you’re getting gloves for sex…open a new box. you don’t want to wonder who else has touched the gloves and where their hands have been.
My lab has new blue nitrile gloves…
muahahahahaha
Two by two, hands of blue…
Wait, I just creeped myself out.
Okay, blue gloves no longer sexy. *blinks*
When I go to work today I’m going to stare at my hands and think of Firefly, and be freaked out.
“Lastly: knives. Pocket knife in your beltloop. When she finds it ask her “Are you afraid? Because I’d never hurt you.” Open the knife and take her hand. Run the blade gently across her skin. Pull her close and seduce her with the danger. Tease her with the biting edge of metal.”
Wait, WHAT?! If someone did this to me I would flip the fuck out! I’d probably break out the krav maga and then directly after change my phone number and all the locks in my house.
1. Knives are hot, but you should get some consent before you whip one out. Not everyone is into that stuff.
2. Gloves are a *good thing*. If you ever doubt that you have open cuts etc all over you hands, try pouring bleach water over them. You might change your mind. Use lube. Feels rad and can be super useful if your fuckee is into *ahem* more than the requisite three fingers.
everyone please take their time when going down on a girl. i mean, seriously.
YES AGREED. DEFINITELY.
Enjoy it. It’s not a race to the finish line…like I thought it was the first few times, ahahaha.
BUTT DID YOU WIN
Oh, EVERYBODY won. Going down on a lady is a non-zero-sum game if you do it well. :D
So we must be skilled now? Did you take into account the opportunity cost of such a thing?
And what about the marginal utility?????
HAS NO ONE THOUGHT OF THE DIMINISHING RETURNS!?!?!?!
ooohhh ecuntnomics, kinky ;)
“mmm girl, you must be an ideal model, ‘cos this economist has an invisible hand that wants to be all up in your curves.”
But hey, if we can’t talk models, we’ll talk figures. :D
I like this very much. I just need to say that.
suurriously.
I love everything you say because I say it mentally in a Daria voice.
My personal preference with the knife issue is keeping them blunt. I know Babeland has some crystal blades. They’re like the sexy super soakers of knives. They’re aesthetically different so you don’t have the “Ima cut you” scare factor, and they rarely cause unintentional injury (just don’t aim for the eyes), but they sure do get you wet. … Aaaaaanndd simile
Also, as someone who can be slightly paranoid, I should remind you that pulling a knife without first discussing its implications could lead to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01NHcTM5IA4
Some of us pack more than NSFW Sunday suggestions, if you know what I mean. ;)
Hahaha. This made my day.
AAAAH!!! CONSENT IS STEP ONE!!
Blargh. Before doing anything with anyone ask if you CAN do something (“Can I kiss you?” So lovely to hear!). Pulling a knife on someone?! Please, please, please pre-negotiate something like that. Very, very thoroughly. Knifeplay can be super hot, but it needs to be done very carefully and your partner needs to give the green light. If someone pulled a knife on me mid-makeout without checking in, without talking about it first that’d be an automatic break-up. I would absolutely lose my fucking shit.
Women can still trigger and be triggered by other lady-partners. I mean, that can happen regardless, but one reduces the chances of causing a partner to, say, endure a flashback, by checking in.
DEAR DYKES,
PLEASE TALK ABOUT CONSENT AND PRACTICE IT ALWAYS.
LOVE Y’ALL,
A.
^This! Ensuring enthusiastic consent is essential whether it’s penetration or oral or something more unusual.
Don’t just assume anything when you’re with someone new. At a minimum, ask “Is this ok?” or “Do you want me to…”
An act that one person considers standard might be off-limits for another person. So you have to ask!
Bonus: Talking about it can definitely be a turn-on for some folks.
re: the talking thing : dirty talking and asking stuff might be great for some, but if your partner doesn’t seem receptive please don’t push it either. Talking during sex is a huge turn-off for me, if there’s something I REALLY want/doesn’t like I’ll say it, but otherwise non-verbal communication is preferred.
I had a partner who kept asking stuff all the time, “Do you want me to…? Do you like that? Should I…? Do you…?” and trying to start dirty talk everytime I answered or said something. Uggghh just shut up and fuck me! It was so frustrating.
Oh and regarding squirting… how is one supposed to bring up the subject? It’s the one awkward thing for me, I know I can but I don’t know how to talk about it, and just doing it without warning seems, uh, I wouldn’t try. “Hey, is it ok if I ejaculate?” oh god I just can’t say something like that. Halp!
If i remember correctly, the best way to approach the subject of “oh my god if you do that ima soak your bed so hard you’ll be dragging your mattress outside tomorrow” is either nonchalantly if it comes up in conversation or directly if you’re already primed. Advanced notice usually only happens in the “is it real of fake” conversation, and is best handled by being mildly bashful in your response that “yes *blush, blush, pause* it’s very real”. That almost never happens, and you probably shouldn’t extrapolate on the subject if it does; no one wants to be seen as a one trick pony, y’know? So yeah, the best way to deal with it in the moment is to growl “get a towel” in your partner’s ear, or use the bashful tactic and make the bathroom excuse and grab a towel yourself if you want them to be surprised at your and/or their prowess. The lady or the tiger or the lady and the tiger? Your choice, just don’t hold back.
do you guys think anyone is grossed out by female ejaculation? i’m always afraid they will be.
Personally, anything that brings my partner great pleasure or even moderate pleasure, especially when I’m contributing to it, is more titillating than gross. I’ve never once stopped and been like, “Oh wow, this is gross”. I’m too preoccupied with how fucking amazing the energy between us is and incredibly hot it is that she is feeling good. I just don’t care if it’s gross. Take a shower, wash your sheets. Isn’t it worth it?! Bottom line, if you like it and it makes you feel good don’t ever feel ashamed about it.
Which brings me to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIWLxbXnbJ4
aw thanks for replying! i wonder if other people think it’s gross.
Such a joyful reading… laughed a hell of a lot too… memories… just been too long for me since last time with a womyn… and excepting that knife thing, everything else sounded quite pleasing…. oh, and I never used dental dam either… Oh, the sweet joy of memory!
Reading this while nostalgically listening to the Spring Awakening soundtrack… “Touch Me” and “The Word of Your Body.”
I can’t even handle this combination. Where is my girlfriend/anyone else?
How weirdly coincidental. I’m doing this exact thing.
Ooh, knife sex! Yah!
I feel so informed on the squirddle situation fa real. I just thought I had to pee? Lolll. But this was one of the best Sunday things! My anniversary is next week so…
um if someone did that knife thing to me i would be way freaked.
especially if they said all that stuff.
wait why do you need to discuss whether you’ve had sex with men in the past?
Because sex with men has different risk factors than lady sex.
You just want to know what went down before you did. (HAH)
I’m sure I’m going to get a lot of heat for this and I’ll try to be as nice as possible about it. I’m at the higher end of the age demo around these parts so please understand that my statement comes from more than a few years of experience.
The fact is that men – gay, straight and anywhere in between – statistically engage in riskier sexual behavior than women. So if someone has a history of sleeping with men, she’s been more exposed than say a gold-star lesbo who’s only slept with other gold-star lesbos. In my personal experience, the only women I’ve known who’ve had an std or exposure to an std were women who had significant sexual experience with men. And they got/almost got said std from a dude. My gfs who never slept with men also never had stds or an std scare. (I’m not suggesting you’re 100% safe if you only sleep with women. You still need to talk about it & get tested imho.) So I would want to know if a potential partner had a history of sleeping with guys because if she did, I’d need a little more specific info than “how’d everything look at your last lady doctor visit?” In fact for me personally, I’m fairly paranoid and insist on testing regardless of the person’s history. And yes, I reciprocate in the testing even though I know I’m all good. I’d be even more cautious if I knew there were guys in the past. If you care about the person you’re sleeping with, and I would hope you do, this is something you should disclose. It’s not about judging someone cause they’ve slept with men. It’s about health & safety. Condoms don’t prevent everything and unfortunately there are plenty of guys (and some women) that are perfectly happy, if not prefer, to go bareback. And people are woefully ignorant about stds and how they’re contracted. An estimated 60% or more of the population in the US has hpv. It is highly, HIGHLY contagious and not always visible. Worst thing about it – it causes cervical cancer in women. (Not every time, but if you have cervical cancer, you have hpv.) Affect on men – NOTHING. (Except possibly occasional visible warts (not in all cases) and they don’t give a crap anyway in general ’cause it’s not like anyone’s inspecting their junk before letting them get busy. The herp is also not always visible but that doesn’t mean it’s not there or that you’re not contagious just cause you’re not in the midst of an outbreak.
Please disclose ladies. It’s only fair and the right, non-sociopathic thing to do. And god forbid you lie about it in the hopes that you’ll be careful enough that the other person won’t get anything. That kind of risk is not yours to asses. Please consider getting the hpv vaccine.
Play safe & honest ladies! ;-) Just like it’s respectful to text the morning after, it’s respectful to disclose sometime before the point of no return or your fifth martini, whichever comes first.
It’s not important to disclose whether or not you’ve had sex with a man. I’d say it’s important to disclose if you’ve had unprotected sex with anyone or engaged in risky behavior recently and not been tested. You can get all sorts of lovely infections from women. Even goldstar lesbians can catch and transmit disease, sorry to break that to you.
That point aside, if I’m talking to someone and they actually care that I’ve had sex with men and may theoretically at some point in the future decide to have sex with men again, whether that’s because they think I’m at a higher risk of giving them the herp or for other (also basically guaranteed to be invalid) reasons, I’m not sleeping with them. Period.
I appreciate where you’re coming from, but speaking from the perspective of one mid-twenties queer girl, I don’t know any ‘gold-star’ lesbos who have only slept with other ‘gold-star’ lesbos. And I don’t particularly love that label, but that’s beside the point.
What I know from working in public health, and what I have experienced within queer communities (which do not, of course, sum up all queer experiences), being sexually active makes you susceptible to STIs, FULL STOP. There are too many myths out there that only sleeping with women is the safer option (there are PLENTY of gay women with all sorts STIs), and too many stereotypes of women who have slept with men being culpable for the presence of STIs in queer communities.
I totally second difficiledame’s response.
I guess you both missed this part:
“(I’m not suggesting you’re 100% safe if you only sleep with women. You still need to talk about it & get tested imho.)”
You’re not 100% safe sleeping with anyone, you can only take best precautions.
“…too many stereotypes of women who have slept with men being culpable for the presence of STIs in queer communities.” I never suggested that women who have sexual history with men are to blame for bringing STIs into homogayland and it’s pretty harsh & quite a stretch to put those words in my mouth. I said in my personal experience the women in my life who had STIs or near STI experiences got them from male partners. And that’s the truth. IN MY LIFE. I guess that was overlooked too.
“I don’t know any ‘gold-star’ lesbos who have only slept with other ‘gold-star’ lesbos.”
Again, personal experience. And btw – I don’t particularly care for the label either; I was being cheeky.
I realize my experience may not be common or in the majority but I’m also not the only one in the universe to have had this experience. It’s cool. As I prefaced my statement, I knew I would get flack for my comments and unintentionally push some buttons along the way.
I didn’t miss the part where you said “(I’m not suggesting you’re 100% safe if you only sleep with women. You still need to talk about it & get tested imho.)”
The snark was turned on when I responded to your post: I realise that it came across as a bit of an attack. For that I apologise. Beyond what you wrote specifically, what gets me is the (really wide spread) persistence of the belief that sleeping with men or women makes you any more or less susceptible to STIs. As you said, you’re not 100% safe sleeping with women; I was reacting to the implication that it was AT ALL safer to sleep with women (who had only slept with women who had only slept with women who had only slept with women).
I am so with you on talking through sexual histories with partners, and for getting tested, and for being safe. I ALSO think it’s problematic to require higher levels of disclosure for women who have slept with men, as it frames anything other than monosexuality as being inherently more dangerous. (I say this hypothetically: I am not challenging what you do in your relationships!)
I wasn’t trying to put words in your mouth, and I should have been more clear. I was reacting to realities completely outside your post which have held bisexual/queer folk responsible for STI transmission for decades – both to and from homogayland. For example, bisexual men were initially accused of being the demographic responsible for spreading HIV/AIDS to the straight world (at the time when it was still known as GRID – Gay Related Immune Deficiency). There still is biphobia out there and this belief is one way it rears its head.
I am NOT accusing you of being biphobic, please understand this. I respect and understand that you are writing from personal experience, and there’s obviously no malice in anything you wrote. My own snarky comment about gold-star lesbos was MY personal experience;).
Lets talk beyond personal experiences! No attacks, but dialogue! Because I can’t say anything about what you do in your life, but we can all speak about what happens around us.
Well said.
I completely agree with enn.
I read your post thoroughly, and while I don’t think it’s fair to come out and start calling people biphobes, I do think it’s important to point out how that kind of commentary can be a problem. I’m less able to approach these things without a certain level of crankiness, and I apologize for the snark in my reply as well. I don’t want to attack you. I do want to say that the idea that women who have had sex with men are in some way more dangerous is a negative stereotype and very personally upsetting. What enn has to say is absolutely correct.
once upon a time i was so innocent in having orgasm, never have one because i couldnt reach it. so i did is im just faking it for how many times
but my good partner ask me again did you or did you not and i looked at her face without any hesitations i said no baby i did not sorry,and then we make out again and she said this time you have to reached it and i said i cant its like im going to drop or something because to high you know what i mean? but then if you concentrate youll have it.
i told i tnink im goin to pee and then she said you are about to and i did, asking is very important thing because it will open the close and unleashed the things.
the lesson is speak or forever live in silence.
The knife thing sounds hot in my head, but if it were to really happen with someone I didn’t really know, I’m not sure I’d find it so hot. Loved the guide though. Also agree with the safe sex thing, it’s an excellent idea, but I’ve never met anyone who actually practices it. If I weren’t partnered I don’t know what I’d do.
Not gonna lie… I’m the type of crazy that knife suggested is aimed at. Maybe it’s just me being an adrenaline junkie/risk taker, but I would totally go with the flow- quite happily- if I was going to sleep with someone and they started pulling out something exciting like that. But yeah, practicality-wise, probably best to give someone a little warning.
I went down on a girl I just met a few years ago… long story short I ended up with an oropharyngeal herpes infection. I will never again have random sex with strangers I tell you…
Im a lesbian I just descoverd after a hard hit break up from my male ex I turned to women and I feel alot better and closer but I’m 16 an I want a relationship with a girl but I don’t know if there is anyone do u now anything I can do to help me find someone ?
First, grow a little more. Nobody needs to find anyone for you. Let them come to you, it would feel more real.
i saw knife… and said HELL YEA!!!!!!!!
My girlfriend pulled that knife trick on me with a blunted carving knife in the kitchen… Then she used the longer handle as a dildo was sexy as all hell… Then again I love scarey yet loving sex… However being 100% comfortable with the person and being very slow gentle and loving is critical… An ex boyfriend used the same trick and it freaked me out so badly I started crying…
Of course, hopefully all of us would sprint naked out of the place if knife play was unplanned with some chick you only met 10 minutes before. But, I suppose I am among the kinky when I say that it is actually a lot of fun when you know the girl, and you’re tied up with no where to go!
And I second the second language foreplay! I used to date a girl who would speak Russian and talk dirty to me. It was amazing. ASL is always the best, though. It is so much more fun to dirty talk with constant eye contact!
when i and my girl friend hade sex the first time did we tied eatch other to the bed and fuck eatchother in about twelve hours and it´s was sooooo gooooood!
I’ve never had sex before and I’m not sure how to ask my partner about there past history and I want to use protection after hearing all your stories and stuff so do you think it’s a turn off and I should use it? Or how would you ask a partner if they want to use it?
I’ve only had sex with a girl once and it was incredible! Possibly might be having sex with my girlfriend tomorrow :)Ypu guys are realy intresting btw hahaha i was just woundering.. Taking advice from Shane from The L Word, is it better to breath through your mouth when you go down on a girl?
Ohhhh lord, Shane. I’d like her to go down on me. Haha, but ANYWHO. I’ve found that she’s right. At least with my girlfriend. But hey, every girl is different.
I don’t know if I’m the only one but that knife scenario, if involved with someone whom I knew very well/was assured of their mental stability/wasn’t just ‘Freddie Krueger’ pulled out on me and some insight beforehand could actually be pretty hot!.
I love all the suggestions, even the knife play. Sounds hot with a long time partner.
I also love being behind a girl bitting her neck with one hand touching the twins while my thumb is inside her. its one of my favs :)
Ok, with the knives people: She said have her find it and then you say something. She didn’t just say to whip it out and go crazy. You guys need to pay more attention!
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