Feature image of Mystic Minaxxx and Nyxeris Omega in Crash Pad Series episode 268. All of the photographs in this NSFW Sunday are from the Crash Pad Series. The inclusion of a visual here should not be interpreted as an assertion of the model’s gender identity or sexual orientation. If you’re a photographer or model and think your work would be a good fit for NSFW Sunday, please email carolyn at autostraddle dot com.
Welcome to NSFW Sunday!
Valentine and Calico in Crash Pad episode 232
It can be hard to get down when you have dysphoria. At Broadly, Serena Sonoma writes about what helped her as a self-identified pre-op trans woman start to get more sexually comfortable with herself, and recommends watching porn that shows women who look like you, going slow, and communicating with your partner:
“When I recently started having sex again, I was too timid to let my partner know what I wanted. I thought going with the flow would help the mood, but I now realize that I was actually keeping myself from getting my physical needs and wants met. I was letting internalized shame and self-consciousness take over instead of enjoying the moment. It was only after I started communicating with my partner that sex became really pleasurable—for both of us. […]
It may seem like a turn off to talk about the parts of yourself that you find least attractive. But when you’re dealing with gender dysphoria, it can be really helpful to share your insecurities with your partner. That way, they can know where to apply extra attention, what to avoid, and when to move slowly. It can also help to tell them what words you find most gender-affirming to describe different body parts.”
La Muxer Diosa and Mars the Prince in Crash Pad Series episode 238
Sometimes sex positivity just feels like pressure to have sex or to conduct relationships in a certain way. At the Establishment, Franki Cookney writes:
“For me, sex positivity is about consent and communication. It means being open and informed; it has never meant an obligation to experiment or push boundaries. As far as I’m concerned, the decision not to have sex is just as sex positive as the decision to have sex, as long as it’s done consensually and without judgement or shame.
But not everyone interprets it that way.”
If you have a vagina, don’t get it rejuvenated.
Is it anxiety or is it stress?
At Oh Joy Sex Toy, Erika Moen writes about bacterial vaginosis, noting, “While there are home remedies that involve the usual ingredients like garlic and apple cider vinegar and tea tree oil, I recommend you not fuck around and just go straight to your doctor.”
Do you get sad after sex sometimes? Turns out that’s called postcoital dysphoria.
Here’s what Venus in your birth chart means.
La Muxer Diosa and Nikki Darling in Crash Pad Series episode 269
Having sex can make life feel more meaningful, according to researchers:
“They found that having sex on one day was associated with more positive mood states the following day, and also a greater feeling that life is meaningful. (The converse wasn’t true: Positive moods or more meaning in life one day was not associated with more sex the next.) The overall pattern of findings were the same for men and women. Explaining their findings, the researchers said that, ‘Meaning in life often arises when an individual feels their basic need for belonging is met with someone.’
In terms of the nature of the sexual experience, greater sexual pleasure, but not greater intimacy, was associated with better mood the next day. Kashdan’s team said this adds to growing evidence ‘… that often hedonic pleasures and motives are as important to cultivating a good life as deep, meaningful, or virtuous activity.'”
“While researching this piece I was stunned by the stories I heard from my own sex-positive communities. One friend told me about a club where by entering you consented to whatever happened inside. Another told me about declining to have sex with someone at a kinky party only to be told, “you can’t reject me, we don’t do that here.” Yet another talked of being shamed for having a gender preference and told to be “open to different experiences.”
I don’t know anyone who has been part of sex-positive or radical communities without stories like this. This particular paragraph from the piece about sex positivity got me thinking about TERFs’ obsession with the ‘threat’ of being forced to have sex with trans women. It seems like radical sex positive culture is somewhat broken and a narrow subset of cis women have focused that alienation on trans women in particular instead of interrogating how EVERYONE is implicated in this culture of ‘you can’t reject me’.
We might take some of the hyperbolic focus away from trans women by having a broader conversation about how it’s not okay to feel pressured to have sex with people we aren’t attracted to, in general, and how this is a problem created by a misguided ethic of sex positivity, not trans inclusion…
So wow it’s a thing! PCD.
It’s nice to know that I am not the only person who feels empty and sad after sex. In fact it’s number five on my coping card (when I’m feeling especially depressed and hopeless) “avoid sex and self love”
why?
It leaves me tired and sad not a good combination when there are bad thoughts racing between my ears.
Thanks Carolyn now I know it’s a real thing and I’m not alone with feeling that way.