Welcome to the weekly AF+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from AF+ members who submitted their queries into our AF+ ask box!

So, I tried communicating. And it did not work. My partner and I have said, for years, that we could always discuss polyamory or opening up our relationship, and that it was always potentially on the table. I was solo poly before we started dating and decided to go monogamous for the getting to know each other phase. Then…we just kind of stayed monogamous. Then the pandemic happened.

Lately, we haven’t been having sex. It’s been about six months months because they’ve been having health problems and I’m spending a lot of time supporting them as they go through their health issues. They keep telling me we’re going to go back to having sex when they feel better — but I have a pretty high sex drive and so I thought maybe this would be a good time to talk more seriously about opening up the relationship.

So, then we were watching the latest Love Is Blind season and I don’t know how it came up, but I sort of started talking about how monogamy is overrated and how I’d like to have the conversation about opening up that we always said we could have.But then they were shocked. They didn’t say no exactly, but they also didn’t continue the conversation. They got kind of offended and made fun of me a little, asking if I was trying to sleep around. I brought up that we always said we could talk about it, and they said that of course we could…talk about it.

A few days later, I brought up that someone was hot on TV and reminded me of them, and that they had game like the person. And they were like, “oh so you’re pushing for an open relationship again?” And I was like…no…I was just saying they were hot and you are hot.So, later, so they couldn’t accuse me of “pushing” for an open relationship, I asked them if anything had changed about being open to opening things up. And they told me that they were totally open to talking about it. So I said, okay let’s talk about it. Then, they asked me all kinds of questions about it what I wanted. I talked about wanting sex and about being younger than them and then they said that they felt pressured to have sex with me! Which, we’re in a relationship and we haven’t had sex in six months, so I don’t know what to do about that feeling less pressure-y. Then they were really confusing and asked me “Are you poly?”

So I got the impression after talking with them for a long time and going in and out that they thought that what was on the table was opening up our relationship to just hookups and sex but not like feelings, which feels like the cis gay men we know and less like the freedom I was expecting. And also, they said that they’re not ready to do that right now because they feel like it would be one-sided and also they said I don’t have enough time for myself or them as it is.I feel…tricked? I feel like I went into this relationship and the pandemic and our monogamy with the idea that the monogamy was temporary and that once we were comfortable (and then once the pandemic got to wherever it is like now) that we would open up and I would go back to being poly. I feel like they don’t care that I’m so sex-starved I want to rip my own head off. I also think an issue might be that I’m in my 30’s and they’re in their 40’s. They talk about how there are many kinds of intimacy and about how they’re okay with not having sex but I’m not ready for that! I think they are just afraid of me having a bunch of sex with other people, but also, that’s exactly what I want? That’s why I started the conversation? Why wouldn’t they want that for me? And I know when other couples there is someone with a health problem, they open up and it’s fine and it’s helpful. Maybe I’d feel less resentful of caretaking and doing all this housework if I could also get some needs met. I know they’re miserable and grumpy and scared, but I don’t want to spend all of my time living in that, and I don’t want to be in some live-in lesbian bed death relationship for the remaining – what – 50 years of my life?? Should we break up? Is this enough reason to break up? Am I being selfish? Why do they have such different ideas around opening up? Were they dishonest? It’s on me for not talking about it earlier I guess but I’m also kinda pissed!

Sa’iyda: You have every right to be pissed! It’s incredibly frustrating to have your partner invalidate a part of who you are, and also be a little dismissive of your needs. Yes, you probably should have talked about this earlier, but you can’t change the past, so we’re only working with where you’re at right now. It seems like maybe because you were willing to be monogamous, your partner made themself believe that it would stay that way forever. You didn’t specify if they’re also poly, but based on their reaction to you being poly, I’m going to operate under the assumption that they are not. If that’s true, this is a classic case of not communicating expectations clearly at the beginning, so now you have to have some really hard conversations.

You both need to sit down and think separately about what your relationship looks like in the next six months, year and three years. Make lists, so you have concrete examples and can see where you can compromise or what are deal breakers. Be clear about what opening the relationship means to you, because it sounds like you two are on different pages about what it looks like to be open. Maybe your partner is thinking that it’s strictly sex, but it sounds like that’s only part of it for you. Age doesn’t always indicate sex drive — my wife is in her 40s and I’m in my 30s, and we have equal sex drives. If your partner isn’t really into the act of having sex anymore, but it’s a need for you (which I get, six months is a long time!) then you have to work through that. I don’t know if breaking up is the most necessary thing. Have you tried couple’s counseling? It sounds like it might be a good idea for your relationship because of how vastly you differ on the right steps forward. If you have outside help, you will be able to look at things with more clarity. Good luck.

Katie: Consider this the response from your straight-talking friend who tells you what you need to hear even if it’s not what you want to hear. I’m not sure you’re going to like what I have to say but I think you probably need to hear it. Especially if there’s any chance you want to save this relationship but even if you don’t want to save this relationship and you want to have another relationship. This is coming from a place of caring and of believing that you can make these changes and improve your relationships with others and with yourself, even if it feels harsh. You say you tried communicating and it didn’t work but bringing it up during Love Is Blind is not the place for such a big relationship changing conversation. You say you both have said for years that you could be poly but then you say multiple times that your partner was surprised (“they were shocked,” “are you poly”) and that what your partner thought was on the table for an open relationship is not what you thought. This makes me question how well you communicated your desire to be poly in the first place and that your plan to be monogamous was just temporary.

It also makes me question how well you tried to communicate about wanting to be poly now. It seems like you keep trying to bring it up as a side conversation in the middle of doing something else, namely watching TV, or from a place of defensiveness (“so they couldn’t accuse me of “pushing for an open relationship.”) That could easily make your partner feel like they’re being put on the spot when they think you’re trying to have a relaxing time watching TV and that’s not a great place to start this conversation from. There’s a good chance your partner also feels tricked.

You also revealed a lot of resentment towards your partner in your question and whether or not this relationship works out, you need to look at your own feelings around disability and aging (both together and as separate issues). I don’t think there’s any reason to associate your difference in sex drive with age. A lot of people have increased libido and increased sexual satisfaction in their 40s. You also explicitly say you feel resentful because of doing caretaking and housework (Have you looked into getting help either through paid services or if your community/state have any support services or even joining a caretaker support group?) and then you reveal some other resentments when you say “I know they’re miserable and grumpy and scared, but I don’t want to spend all of my time living in that, and I don’t want to be in some live-in lesbian bed death relationship for the remaining – what – 50 years of my life??.” Ouch. I have to wonder how these feelings are coming out to your partner and what it’s making them feel as a result.

I have chronic illnesses and so does my partner, so I have both been the caretaker doing all the housework and the person receiving the caretaking and unable to do the housework. I am also really engaged in chronic illness and sick communities online and in person so I feel confident telling you that it is nearly impossible not to feel like a burden when you are sick and relying on a partner to help you. Being sick is alienating, painful, expensive, and exhausting. The entire ableist capitalist system gaslights and shames sick people. Your partner probably already felt like a burden to you (and by the way I think you are actually mad at ableist systems too that don’t support caretakers or sick people, but you are directing this resentment at your partner because the system teaches us all to be ableist). They didn’t seem to know you wanted to be poly eventually.

What I see here is that your partner loves you and appreciates what you are doing to help them but probably feels awful about themself because of it and they are scared that they are no longer enough for you. They feel awful in their body but know that sex is important to you so they feel pressure. They probably feel afraid both about their health and about not being enough for you. Now they see you bringing up being poly in what they probably see as a response to them being sick and not being able to have sex. To your partner this probably feels like everything they were afraid of. It may even feel like confirmation that because they are sick they are a burden and are not enough for you. I don’t know if you can repair the relationship because it does seem like you have a lot of miscommunication and that perhaps you want different things. Still I hope that as you go forward in whatever direction you can find more empathy for what your partner is going through and how difficult it is to be sick in an abled world that values health above all else. If you do break up it will probably feel like further confirmation for your partner that being sick makes them a burden or too much. So I recommend that you do not feed into the ableism by focusing on things like housework and instead focus on wanting different things.

You note “then they said that they felt pressured to have sex with me! Which, we’re in a relationship and we haven’t had sex in six months, so I don’t know what to do about that feeling.” You are not entitled to sex just because you are in a relationship with someone. I understand that you have a high sex drive wanting to have more sex isn’t wrong (have you tried exploring more new toys and sensations by yourself to help take the edge off?). Perhaps this is part of your interest in being poly in the first place which is totally fair but even if you are poly the sex drives of your individual partners are not always going to be constant. People go through medical, mental, hormonal, and all sorts of other things that can make their interest in sex go up or down naturally–it will likely happen to you someday too. Your partner might also miss sex and feel upset about it too. If you want a long term relationship with any individual partner that doesn’t end the second someone’s sex drive declines (Or maybe you don’t actually want that? That’s ok but you need to figure that out and be honest about it, if so.) you’re going to need to learn how to navigate those changes. We aren’t all able-bodied people in our 30s forever. If you aren’t already, it would likely help you to find a queer poly-friendly therapist who can help you sort through all of this and figure out what you want and how to improve communication.

Riese: Okay there is a lot to sort through here and it’s hard to know where to begin! I’m not actually sure if polyamory vs. monogamy is even the primary issue here.

It feels like this relationship is broken on multiple levels — you’re not communicating effectively, you both seem to be jumping to the worst conclusions possible when any sort of friction turns up, you don’t agree on what’s been discussed in the past, you’re actively resentful to be taking care of them, your arguments seem to take winding roads and involve some measure of cruelty, and you’ve not had sex in six months. (Not having sex for six months isn’t always a problem for every relationship, but you’re clear about wanting sex to be an active part of your relationship, so that’s why I’ve included it on my list of broken things.) Throughout this entire letter, you don’t mention one positive quality about your partner aside from them being hot like someone you saw on television. Even when you talk about missing sex, there’s nothing here about missing that with your partner specifically because it’s a form of intimacy and connection between you. You don’t even say that you love them or enjoy spending time with them. It doesn’t sound like anybody in this relationship is having a good time.

It’s okay to want and need sex, and if that’s a priority for you and not for your partner, then it’s possible that this relationship just isn’t the right one for you. They said they feel “pressured” to have sex with you, which they may have been saying just to hurt you and make you feel ashamed during what sounds like a volatile argument, but it could also be a way they genuinely feel. Either way, the relationship isn’t working.

There are many ways to read their reaction to your specific non-monogamous desires — perhaps they are “tricking” you and indeed pretended to be okay with something they weren’t, or went along with it hoping you’d never be serious about it. (The fact that you suspect you’ve been the victim of a trick also suggests something is deeply broken between you both already.) Maybe they’re going back on previous assertions due to insecurity, or feeling nervous by the proposal due to their health issues preventing them from actually living the poly lifestyle they anticipate you participating in. (Which is fair for them to feel! I know in a past relationship when my partner brought up becoming poly I was like, okay this is just gonna be a “you” thing since I work 70 hours a week, which felt…off.)  Maybe it makes them more nervous now than it did when you started dating because your relationship isn’t as strong as it was then.

Or, maybe the two of you weren’t aligned on what it meant to be non-monogamous or poly to begin with, and that might simply be just different understandings of what the term meant. I’ve been guilty of this in the past — thinking that opening up the relationship just meant hookups and then being surprised to learn that it also meant having full-blown relationships with other people.

Regardless, the relationship isn’t working.

I know taking care of a sick partner can be tiring — but I think ideally, there should be some measure of love for the person you’re caring for that makes it fulfilling, because you genuinely simply just want to do whatever you can to help them be well and happy. You never know when you might be the one in need of care, you know? Maybe you’ve been so severely neglected in the relationship that it does feel genuinely unfair to be in a caretaking position, or maybe you are being selfish. I don’t know you, so I can’t know that. But either way, the relationship isn’t working.

You say that you don’t want to be in “some live-in lesbian relationship for the remaining — what — 50 years of my life?” On that note I would advise you to take some inspiration from Love is Blind and break up.

Drew: I’m sorry to say that it is on you for not discussing this in detail earlier. But it’s also a very common mistake with lots of subjects and with polyamory especially. It’s clear from what you’re saying that the vague “we’ll discuss opening up someday” was interpreted VERY differently by you and your partner. I’ve been there! I get it! It’s why now at the start of any relationship I’m in I like to establish the kind of dynamic I hope to be in very clearly before things get serious.

I do think breaking up is probably the right move. I’m sorry. It sucks when we love someone so much and feel close to them in other ways but fundamentally want different things. Sex drives eb and flow, but you cannot expect your partner to change her mind on polyamory. So if you’re able to adjust your desires and wait for a more active sexual relationship then that’s an option. If you want to not only have more sex with your partner, but have sex with other people then breaking up seems like the only move.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think resenting your partner is fair. It’s clear to me you both failed to communicate the fullness of your desires and it’s understandable she’s feeling tender given her illness. But the longer you’re together wanting fundamentally different things, the more resentment will grow. You haven’t been tricked. You have learned a lesson. Next time, the direct communication has to start sooner.

Nico: Everyone has offered so many important perspectives here, but I wanted to add a couple recommendations. One, which was already mentioned, is couples’ therapy. You might need a poly-experienced counselor, but I think you might also, or moreso, need a counselor who’s experienced in working with people with chronic illness and their partners / family. There are unique and ongoing pressures that come with being sick or disabled in an ableist world (and supporting people who are), and it sounds like both you and your partner (who you mention feeling down, for one) could use some support. Similarly, I recommend seeking out a therapist, a support group, or both focused on partners of people with chronic illness. Because six months is in fact chronic, and it sounds like the sex thing is, yeah, one thing, but it’s really indicative of bigger issues. You are both feeling overwhelmed and under-appreciated in this relationship — and fuck, yeah, life will do that sometimes — and if you’re able to put in the work, that might be solve-a-ble. Now, if all that sounds like too much work for you, then…maybe what you’re after is not in fact a super committed relationship, but something(s) more casual, and in that case, you do not seem to be on the same page as your partner. Health issues come up for everyone eventually, libidos fluctuate (or life otherwise happens!), and if this person isn’t someone you feel you can ride those ups and downs with, then they’re probably not someone you should be in this kind of more committed, infrastructural relationship with, and you should let them go so they can find a partner who is in fact interested in the kind of relationship your partner seems to want. And if you (or either of you), aren’t interested in going to counseling together — or support groups if that’s more accessible — then I don’t think that you should stay together because that’s a sign that you aren’t willing to work on this relationship.

Opening up the relationship probably wouldn’t be the biggest deal if you two could communicate effectively and had a strong dynamic, but it sounds like communication is actually a major issue for you two — and I do think you BOTH have issues with communicating. None of this sounds like it’s going particularly well. For your part, please stop bringing stuff up while watching TV and find some designated talking time — also, please think ahead about what exactly you need to communicate and how to do so empathetically and sensitively. And your partner, well, needs to stop mocking you and saying what might be intentionally hurtful things when you do work up the courage to voice something that’s been on your mind. So, regardless of open, not open, non-monog, poly, whatever — you two need to practice having open and honest and generous processing time together where you work through the issues in your relationship, the resentment and hurt that is likely building up on both sides, and what your needs and hopes for the future of your relationship are. And again, if that processing time leads to fighting, if it doesn’t go anywhere productive, if you wind up feeling worse after — it probably isn’t going to work out. BUT, if you do look honestly at your relationship issues and can learn to effectively communicate, then maybe a relationship that works for both of you and that is mutually fulfilling is in your future. The problem is that right now, neither of your approaches is going to lead to that end goal.

Hello! So I went through a very not-fun breakup last year in which my then-girlfriend had a mental health crisis and dumped me suddenly. She was deeply unwell and ended up ghosting me, which led to me going through a period of intense grief that became depression. After a lot of soul-searching, support from my amazing friends, and therapy, I am in a much better place now and just generally loving life. I recently started seeing someone new; she’s pretty different to my ex and seems emotionally stable and well-adjusted. Despite this, I find myself reflexively flinching away from the prospect of being hurt again, and on guard for any sign that something’s wrong. These feelings often come up around texting, as I have a tendency to over-interpret any delays or pauses in our conversations. How can I feel security in this new relationship and just relax and have fun?

Sa’iyda: It sounds like you may have some residual feelings swirling around in there that weren’t going to present themselves until you were in a new relationship. It happens! Everyone carries the trauma of past relationships into their new ones, and it sounds like you were incredibly hurt by your ex’s actions, as you should be! Texting is such an amazing thing, but everyone has different texting styles and that is stressful af! It’s hard sometimes to not take those things personally, even if they aren’t meant to be. But you’ve already said, this person is “pretty different” than your ex, so while you may be inclined to make the comparison, I think you need to work on some ways to cope when they don’t meet your texting expectations. One thing is, you can talk to them if you feel comfortable doing so. There may be a way to compromise on how to effectively communicate. If you don’t feel comfortable, try this. Put your phone down and find a new thing to occupy your mind. Read a book, have a snack, take a walk, listen to music and dance it out. You can also install a productivity app that keeps you from using your phone for a set period of time. It’ll keep you in the moment and not worrying about what they’re doing. You can also work with your therapist if you’re still seeing them and come up with other coping mechanisms. Soon, it will become second nature. You got this!

Em Win: It makes complete sense that you have your guard up. You got extremely hurt very suddenly with no time to process! Most people would be disoriented and heartbroken in that experience. I’m glad to hear that you have a good support system around you. Unfortunately, the baggage and trauma from your old relationship with investable inform your future ones. Your body remembers this data to protect you, but oftentimes it can be annoying. It seems like you might have a little past trauma with texting, so I’m wondering if there were any patterns with your ex that are coming up as you navigate this new relationship? One approach is to ask them directly if they’re someone who means exactly what they say or if they’re more passive aggressive. Additionally, you might want to get on the same page with them in regards to what you’re both looking for in this relationship. If you both want casual dating, then texting more sparsely makes sense. Something I suggest to all my friends with relationship trauma is the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. All I’ll say is that you’ll definitely learn more about how you function in relationships.

Kayla: I think it’s really difficult to develop a secure attachment style when you don’t currently have one. So the best advice I can give you is to be patient with yourself. If the negative feelings come up, don’t just try to bulldoze through them or feel guilty for feeling them. Sit with them, try jotting down what you’re feeling and try to better understand it. If texting is causing anxiety, maybe be the one to step back from texting a bit and prioritize in person communication. Read about secure attachment styles and treat it like homework. There really is no one step solution here, but I’ve definitely been where you are and was able to shift and grow and get to a place of secure attachment by being patient, not being too hard on myself, and doing self homework.

My wife and I became homeowners and realized to our horror that neither of us has any desire or ability to be the “handy one.” But it’s looking like I’m gonna need to step up as our leader. For my part, I’m really bad with my hands (poor spatial awareness, not crafty, clumsy) so doing any kind of home project just makes me feel incompetent. Who likes doing things they suck at?? Then when something goes sideways (aka always) I get frustrated and feel so bad about myself. There is zero sense of joy in it. We don’t have the financial situation to just throw money at this kind of thing, and we truly do want to be empowered to take ownership of our space and take on projects ourselves. (When reasonable – things like replacing a light fixture or painting a room). Do you have any advice for how to become handy when it’s out of necessity and you have no natural proclivity or desire?

Kayla: Hi! I’m not a super handy person either, so I sympathize. I don’t have tangible advice for honing those skills since I don’t have them myself but I was wondering if you’ve explored skill sharing. I know you don’t have the budget to hire someone, but is there something you or your partner could exchange other than money for some handy help? A lot of Facebook groups or queer groups especially will have skill sharing boards where people volunteer to exchange services. I have a friend who cuts hair who is able to offer that as a service in exchange for other services. I think it could be worth exploring as a budget friendly way to get some outside help!

Nico: First, congrats! That’s a big thing you two did! For one: anything you need to know how to do around the house can be learned via Youtube (or Youtube University as a former roommate of mine once called it). I think being able to watch someone else do something (like install a light fixture) is super helpful when you’re trying to do it yourself. This, at least, might help alleviate some anxiety when doing tasks.

To second Kayla’s suggestion — while this is not gonna necessarily be the MOST JOYFUL when you don’t like things like this, if you have friends who are also working on their houses who are handier or know how to do things, you can offer to be an extra pair of hands / put in some hours of unskilled labor on their house in exchange for some more skilled help over at yours. Then, you get the chance to learn from your friend while you both save money and time on your individual projects. I do this with a carpenter / generally very handy trades-worker friend sometimes where if I go over to their house I am helping to move drywall, hold it in place, screw sheetrock to the studs, staple insulation in, carry tile, yada yada — but I think next for me is getting an old door planed and fit back into its frame or maybe some help replacing stuff in my bathroom? Like, I might mess something like that up trying it for the first time, but I can watch and learn. You can also trade yardwork and such. So, that’s also an option. And it’s cool because it’s a workout! Nice! Bonus!

Finally, the thing is, as with anything, you do have the capacity to get better at this aspect of homeownership. You might be uncoordinated or inexperienced, but you can improve and get to a level of competency. And as you improve and learn and accomplish things you can feel good about, you’ll like doing it more or you’ll at least have some satisfaction and pride in your work.

Some quick tips for managing home tasks when they do come up:

1. Give yourself way more time than you think you need. Take your estimate and triple it. Do not have other obligations lined up. Everything is going to take way, way longer than you think it will, and putting pressure on yourself to complete a task in a set period of time is only going to make the frustration worse. If you have a project or two you need to do, try to take a whole day and tell yourself you don’t need to accomplish anything else that day but painting a room and installing a light fixture, for example. That way, if you need to run to the hardware store, or you mess up, or you need to take a break — it’ll be okay and it will get done.
2. Research the task ahead of when you plan to do it. Take time separately from your work day / time slot to look up the steps, watch a video ahead of time, and to make sure you have your supplies. This will help reduce the number of surprises you might encounter. (Like you might say “Whaaat? I need to both wash and then sand the walls before even priming them in order to ensure the best-looking paint job?” And it’s going to be better if you know this beforehand.)
3. Discuss your different strengths and interests with your wife. Is one of you better with ladders? Is one of you more confident when carrying heavy items up and down stairs? Does one of you have any interest in plumbing, what about electric? Who doesn’t mind sanding and who needs to wear noise-canceling headphones when sanding is taking place? Map out where you can compliment each others’ strengths and weaknesses and design how you’re going to approach each task accordingly. Maybe in your limited time, one of you is going to prep the walls for painting while the other goes to the hardware store to buy primer and paint because you did not in fact have time to get it before your designated work day. Maybe one of you is better at reading the directions when assembling something and communicating them to you both. Maybe one of you has more time to watch Youtube videos and one of you works more hours. Make a plan about how each of you are going to fit into accomplishing these tasks, and then show up for each other, and the unexpected, too.

You’ve got this! I believe in you!

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