Q:

My wife has been in the early stages of transitioning for a while now. She is currently only out to her friends and some trusted family members. As such, she doesn’t feel comfortable correcting people or letting me correct people when they misgender her. She also only feels comfortable going femme in certain specific settings.

I know it’s probably extremely selfish but most of the time we’re together I’ve felt like I have to hide myself too.

Since most of the time I’m not free to use female pronouns, I am constantly focussing on side-stepping gendering her. Sometimes I even have to gender her as male when we’re in mixed company. I hate this not only because 1. I am denying her identity but 2. I am effectively closeting myself.

I have a few work events coming up and I think she would have fun at them. But I know that if I bring her along, she’ll play the role of husband. Whenever we go anywhere that is not ostensively “trans-friendly” we put on the mask of heterosexual married couple or queer friends or bisexual married couple (if we’re lucky).

I know it shouldn’t matter how my coworkers or strangers or family that we’re not even close to perceive us but I hate feeling like I am hiding this aspect of myself.

It feels like she’s never going to be fully out and that this is just how the rest of our life together is going to be.

Is this just how it has to be, or can I somehow balance being supportive while also not feeling like I have to hide myself?

A:

Hi there,

I feel eminently qualified to take this question because I’m trans and shared a fair few experiences like the ones your wife is having. A lot of the stuff she’s going through sounds like many trans women’s experiences, with one key difference: She has an adamantly supportive partner.

I’m mentioning your efforts to support and affirm her because I think they’re contributing to how you feel: trapped, closeted, and concealed. That’s certainly not the only reason you feel frustrated, and I’d never tell you to support your trans partner less. I just think there’s room here for you to feel comfortable while looking out for her.

Restraint and uncertainty in a transphobic world

When I read your post, my main thought was: The real enemy here is transphobia. Systemic discrimination against trans people drives us into hiding, because disclosure brings uncertainty. Uncertainty about public reactions, bodily safety, and visibility, just to name a few.

There are two branches here I’d like to discuss. Firstly, how you can support her while managing your feelings of confinement. Secondly, your wife’s need to transition at her secure pace.

Living with a partner in transition isn’t a one-sided process. Our partners often have to transition with us. Gender transition presents new joys and stresses that the whole relationship needs to navigate. That doesn’t mean you should be a font of limitless resilience. The complexity of your situation means you need to see to your own well-being even more.

It’s clear to me that the impact of societal queerphobia and transphobia are weighing on you. It’s present in your desire to correct people who don’t yet see the vibrant woman you see. It’s evident in your dislike for putting on the heterosexual mask. The proverbial closet is an airless place, and you want out.

I don’t think your position is ‘extremely selfish’ at all. I think it comes from a place of wanting you and your wife to live the open and happy life you deserve. Again: the real enemy here is transphobia.

Some practical thoughts that came into my mind while writing this:

• Your strength becomes hers: I believe that you want to support her and are feeling stretched, so it’s imperative to remember that your support for your wife is at its strongest when you’re feeling capable.
• Play the game: It hurts to conceal your united identity, but remember that your wife is taking it at her pace. She probably feels the same way and is exposed to more risk than you if she’s pushed into public before she’s ready. Playing the misbegotten game of heterosexuality is unpleasant, but her risk assessment has probably told her it’s the safe option.
• Discuss your fears: The fact that she’s transitioning in your presence is an indicator of her trust in you. I think you two have a sturdy relationship that can confidently take a difficult topic like the stresses of supporting a trans partner. If you break the news to her in a way that makes clear that she’s not at fault, you can even connect over that common enemy.

One of the most important principles of a happy gender transition is self-determination. As in, the right and ability of a trans person to dictate their transition at their own pace. Starting a transition is an enormously risky (and often costly) process that we don’t take lightly. Before transitioning, most of us lived as pressure cookers. We built pressure against a world that deprived us of gender and bodily autonomy since birth. Agency is an antidote and release valve for that.

I know it’s frustrating you can’t be as outwardly queer as you want, but I’ll ask you to consider how new she is to queerness. I’m guessing she was raised masculine and lived to that script for much of her life. I’m guessing your relationship began as a heterosexual coupling. She may be new to queerness and the personal discovery that comes with it. At least, she’s definitely new to being trans. Honestly? She sounds like a baby gay. Not only that, she’s upending her entire sense of self and gender while going through that.

That’s a tough process, so I hope you see why she might want to take it slowly.

I don’t think this is going to be your relationship forever. Because it already isn’t. Based on what you wrote, she’s actively expanding the scope of her trans identity. She’s out to close friends and trusted family. She relaxes into herself in trans-friendly spaces. Those are the steps that every trans person takes when we start probing this hostile world for security. As her partner, the best way to further your goal is to keep supporting her. Because as long as she stays this course and sees you by her side, she’ll keep making progress.

A story

I’ll close with a story from my early transition, because your account reminded me of it.

When I began transitioning, I lived as my guy self publicly even though I was radically changing things behind the scenes. Like your wife, I announced my transition to trusted people in my life. I also made it clear I would be living as a dude and nothing needed to change about my public life. In fact, I preferred if people didn’t do anything while I…rearranged the backroom.

During this time, I attended a social event hosted by a very queer-friendly group, run by all kinds of gays and including all kinds of gays (and straights!). I was there to play board games and be outside. What I didn’t know was that a then-friend who saw my announcement was also present. And they’d notified the organizers about my new identity without talking to me.

When I got there and started introducing myself, people started addressing me by new pronouns and names without my input. I found the experience really violating. I wasn’t in any danger. It was a queer-friendly event, and the people there were going out of their way to affirm me. The violation comes from the fact that I dictated a personal boundary about my transition and somebody ignored it in ‘support’ of me.

I felt embarrassed because I didn’t feel ‘like a woman’ yet. I felt disempowered because this wasn’t the pace I wanted to take things at. I felt anxious because I didn’t want to engage with my gender at this event. I just wanted to play board games.

When I think back to my transition, it went really smoothly. I basically did a speedrun of the whole thing: a year and a half from realization to living out as my lovely self. My girlfriend was (and still is) fervently supportive of my decisions. My friends and work are great. I even got my parents on board. But when I think of times in my early transition where I felt violated, that story still sticks out. Even if the intentions were good, I was effectively outed before I was ready, and it hurt, especially coming from another queer person.

My reminders from that story are:

• The closet isn’t a binary (hah) state: Queer people are simultaneously closeted and ‘out’ as our situation and safety demands it. Your wife adjusts her public identifiers as necessary. Following along by gendering her masculine in some settings isn’t misgendering her. It’s gendering her correctly in that situation.
• Trust us to know our comfortable pace: She’s the expert on her situation and, believe me, she’s probably over-thought it already. The pace she’s taking things at is the one she believes necessary and pushing that will harm the progress being made.
• We’re with you too: Being the person who is going through the transition, we know full-well how stressful it can be. If you’re a supportive factor in our life, we also want to talk to you about your feelings. We’d often prefer it, actually.

I hope that all of this helps you. You’re doing well to look after your wife’s needs, but I just think there’s room to extend that care to yourself. I think it’ll strengthen an already-good relationship even further.

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