I fantasize about exposing her and getting her cancelled.
Q
A girl who lightly bullied me for being gay in high school came out as an adult and is now I think trying to be an influencer. She got married last year, she has a beautiful home and they clearly have money. She does GRWMs.I just went through a bad breakup and am living with my parents and I spend way too much time stalking her on social media and simmering with bitterness. I fantasize about exposing her and getting her cancelled even though she’s not even popular enough to get cancelled, and it’s not like I want her to be popular, and I don’t even believe in cancelling people as a practice! Why am I doing this to myself and how can I stop?
A
Summer: You might be doing this to yourself because those of us who suffered wish the same on the people who wronged us. It’s a very human desire. It’s one of the foundational tenets behind why violence happens in cycles and ending it takes more effort than giving into the desire.
You’ve identified the keystone issues that are leading you to this painful place. You had a breakup and lost the stability that comes with. You’ve gone through a house move, maybe one you didn’t even want. You have spare attention span, but are also on edge and frustrated. So that attention gets shunted into places that might not be good for long-term well-being.
Importantly, I want to say that nothing you’re feeling is weird or abnormal. Everyone thinks and acts worse under stress. The only difference is how we channel those feelings. My thoughts? Give yourself time to grieve for the recent loss of stability in your life before you proceed. Process your feelings, even the ones you hate before you end up feeling too much.
Oh, and block her ass on all socials if you can. And try to uphold that block. For your benefit. This isn’t doing anything good for you and having easy-access to her is only going to keep her on your mind longer.
Last point: social media ‘influencing’ is inherently misleading. It’s centred on the front-facing marketing of a person’s lifestyle and public image. All of it is prearranged and curated to appeal to the viewer, especially if it looks super candid and easygoing. Then it’s mega prearranged and curated. It’s far harder to look effortlessly casual on social media than it is to look professionally ‘done’. Candidness is the holy grail of social media marketing because that’s how that system of marketing sells to people. What I’m saying is, don’t compare your behind the scenes footage to someone else’s highlight reel.
Valerie: I agree that a) your feelings are valid and understandable, b) you should block her and try to forget about her. No one wins the comparison game. Here’s how I see it: either she’s truly changed and is a better person now who would never bully anyone and bringing up the past wouldn’t serve anyone, or she’s still the same rotten person and the internet will figure it out on their own. More often than not, bullies show their own asses, because they don’t always know about all their bad behaviors. They all slip up eventually. And more often than not, even if it takes time, the internet can sniff out a phony. Either way, since the bullying is in the past, she is no longer your problem, and trying to cancel her could end up backfiring on YOU in unpleasant ways, so the best course of action here is to block and move on. Instead of focusing your energy on finding things in her happiness that make you miserable, focus it on finding things in your life that make you happy.
Riese: More often than not, we tend to feel repulsed in others by what repulses us about ourselves. Now most of us don’t do anything about those feelings, like bully someone about it! It’s possible she was dealing with her own internalized homophobia and you were in the crosshairs. As kids and teens we are so profoundly unformed, so easily influenced by others and our own trauma. Hurt people hurt people. Harboring a grudge also hurts the grudge-holder more than the bad actor. You have the option to reach out to her and give her the chance to apologize, if you’re able to do so with compassion. I tend to err on the side of “forgive everyone,” but I also don’t think anybody should be punished or “cancelled” as a adults for things they did or said in high school. (Aside from, you know, very extreme cases like sexual assault.) I’m sure you also said and did things that you now know were wrong. Kids imitate everyone around them, desperate for acceptance and self-worth. I think forgiveness would be more healing for your heart than taking her down could ever be. Stop the cycle and focus on what you can control: your own self.
How long is normal to be out of contact with a loved one?
Q
I recently had a work trip abroad and because of time changes etc I wasn’t able to talk to my girlfriend very much while I was there, seemed fine to me. I got back to really intense emotions from her about feeling neglected while I was out. It was also a really busy work trip, I had a big presentation and lots of stress. She says if I really loved her then I would’ve WANTED to talk to her more, and that being able to go a whole week without talking out loud for more than ten minutes (we did text) meant I don’t have the same feelings for her that she does for me. I don’t really think that this is true. I loved her that whole time. I thought there was maybe a question on this topic recently but I can’t find it. I thought I’d see what you all think? How long can you go without talking to someone you love?
A
Summer: Every relationship has a different threshold for how much contact is needed while apart. I don’t think I’ll be helpful just telling you what I think is a ‘normal’ loss of contact. Because this sounds to me like a difficulty on your girlfriend’s part. The kind of difficulty that incorrectly processed your behavior as lacking in love for her, or having a particular view of love and affection that mandates a certain amount of contact.
A healthy relationship would have developed an awareness of people’s contact needs over time (whether by talking it out or intuiting it) so that things like this wouldn’t happen much in the first place. The fact that you both had such vastly different perspectives on this event is the point you need to discuss. Chances are that you’ll both have valid points to make and issues to air out. But it needs to be tackled before something similar happens or this turns into that hated enemy of love: resentment.
Valerie: I had a friend in college who, in the years after we graduated, we slowly started to see each other less. I didn’t think anything of it – our jobs had incompatible schedules, we had our own separate friend groups. I still considered her one of my best friends.I texted her on her birthday and she responded, “You didn’t come to my birthday party last year and now you come out of nowhere to wish me happy birthday?” I was very confused. Apparently she had been mad at me for a whole year and I didn’t realize it; I didn’t even know it had been a whole year since we’d seen each other. (I didn’t know this then, but I have ADHD and my time perception is…bad.) It was back in the years of Facebook, and I guess since I was reading her updates and reacting to them, and felt caught up on her general goings-on, I didn’t realize we hadn’t interacted one on one, because that’s not necessarily something I need to maintain my level of friendship.
All this to say, I understand where you’re coming from, because I’ve been on the surprised receiving end of that kind of reaction, but also have empathy for the other side of it. I felt so bad when I realized my friend thought I was ghosting her, when that wasn’t my perception at all. (Of course, not a perfect comparison, because she also could have texted me during that time to ask why I hadn’t texted and didn’t, but still.) I was 22, so I just let it go then and lost her as a friend, but I regret it all the time, and if I could go back, I would have a conversation with her, explain where I was coming from, listen to her side, and once I understood her needs, do my best to find a compromise; me trying to text more often, while asking for her understanding and patience when time passes without hearing from me, reassuring her it has nothing to do with my feelings. Communication about communication is incredibly important, so neither of you reads too much into the other’s actions.
Nico: My colleagues are right in that there is no “normal” or standard. You two need to have honest conversations with each other (and maybe with therapists and then each other again) about your individual needs while apart. It sounds like your physical distance created some anxiety for your girlfriend that would have been alleviated if you two had been able to talk more. If you know that it’s important, maybe even something that will make the difference between her feeling calm versus upset, then hopefully you can carve out time the next time you travel to accommodate her needs within reason. There is no one in this situation who is “in the right” but rather there are two people with vastly different communication needs and who process distance differently who need to get on the same page and work as a team to keep your relationship boat sailing forward.
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