Just the tip.

Q

My girlfriend and I went out for dinner the other night and our server was really bad. She was really sweet but just a mess in terms of service, maybe she was new, I couldn’t tell. (I used to be a server so I notice these things maybe more than others.) It took forever to get our drinks, she never cleared our salad plates from the table, like we were having dessert with half-eaten caesar salads still on the table. i ordered a burger well done and it came to us still very pink in the middle and we had to flag her down to get it cooked through. She gave us the bill before asking if we wanted dessert and I had to ask her for the dessert menu. I pointed all these things out to my GF because I used to be a server and I can’t help it!

So we’re done and the final bill arrives and my girlfriend is paying and I notice she’s putting in like a 10% tip and I say no, we still give her 20%? She said why would we do that, you obviously agree with me that the service was awful.

To me, you give 20% no matter what, that’s just what you do. That’s how she is paid to do her job regardless. Anyhow she refused to budge, so I threw down another $10 cash on the check. My girlfriend got really mad at me for doing this and it became a big fight. Who’s right, me or her?

A

Valerie Anne: Personally, I’m with you. Unless a server is outright RUDE or says something offensive to someone at my table (or if I overhear them saying it to someone else), 20% is my baseline. More for extra good service. While obviously it would be better if servers were paid a proper wage and tips were just a bonus, it’s just not how our food service industry is set up at the moment, so tips can make or break a server’s week, as you know, having been one. 90% of the time, a server being “bad” at their job (e.g. not clearing plates) is either a result of being overworked or undertrained (or both!), or they’re just having a really bad day (been there), so I personally don’t like to hold it against them. Since you said she was sweet but just not doing things right, I would have also tipped 20%. I also personally think it’s a red flag that your girlfriend got MAD about it. This happens to me sometimes when I go out to dinner with my parents, and when I put the extra money in (or bully them into doing it), they sometimes tut at me and say “you’re too nice” or something, maybe even an occasional “how will they learn,” to which I reply “it is not our job to teach or punish them.” But to get angry that you wanted to tip the standard amount of money to a nice person who was mediocre-to-bad at her job seems silly to me. I think you did the right thing.

Summer: I don’t think anyone here is ‘wrong’. I think you both share a common and good principle: tip-earning jobs deserve to be tipped as standard, even when the work is sometimes substandard. As long as the result of substandard work was not due to actual malice, there’s lots of reasons stuff can go wrong and tipping systems are incredibly unfair to workers. So we still tip.

I think you both share that view with sliders set at different points. Your girlfriend believes a 10% tip is fitting for substandard service and you believe 20% is fitting. I think this event speaks less to the right-or-wrong of the amounts and more to your relationship’s approach to resolving small differences. I don’t think this is something that people had to have a ‘big fight’ over or get mad over. Because both people are actually on the same side, just at different magnitudes. If I were in your shoes, I would want to follow up with the conversation to seek a mutually agreeable and calmer resolution and maybe reflect on the reactions and why it got to that point. People in relationships do sometimes disagree on points even when they’re actually both on the same side. It happens, but it deserves resolution and follow-up so as to not invite resentment.

Nico: A 20% tip is basically not optional unless the server actively starts verbally or physically assaulting you. It’s part of the price of the food and is the cost of eating at an establishment as opposed to making your own food at home or getting pre-made to-go food. Sure, the fact that the cost of paying employees is passed onto you is unfair, but it’s even more unfair to act like someone’s wages should be withheld just because things weren’t perfect. Restaurant server jobs are one of the only places this can happen. If a nurse or a bus driver is rude to you, there’s nothing that happens to their pay, but if a server is really sweet but kind of a mess, suddenly her pay is affected? That, and a burger not being cooked correctly or a drink not being ready is not necessarily even her fault. I think you’re in the right and I’m a little concerned it came down to a fight instead of just a shrug. All that is to say, you’re right.

Em: Across the board, I typically go with an 18-20% tip. However, if the service is noticeably, insanely terrible sometimes I’ll do 15%, but never lower than this. After reading my fellow writers’ responses, I’m starting to think maybe a sliding scale tip isn’t the most equitable, but in full transparency that’s what I’ve been doing most of my life. To answer your question directly, you’re in the right here. The only thing I could see budging on is how much you tip the server. Regardless, 10% is unacceptable.

Ashni: I’m with you – a 20% tip is my baseline. I don’t feel comfortable withholding someone’s livelihood because of poor service! Everyone has already brought up some really great points, so I will just add that (and you probably know this already, having been a server) sometimes servers “tip out” non-tipped employees at the restaurant, so the amount that you tip on a bill isn’t always what the server gets to keep. I’m surprised your girlfriend held firm in her desire to leave a bad tip!

Should you give a friend unsolicited relationship advice?

Q

My friend, who I’ll call Hannah, has been dating someone, let’s call her Dana, for about 2 years. Dana has made it clear from the start they are poly and ultimately want to be in a poly relationship. Hannah is 100% monogamous and is at a place in life where she wants to settle down and build a life with a single partner. Recently Dana expressed that they had feelings for their coworker and wanted to downgrade their relationship. Hannah responded by saying they were broken up, as she does not want to be in a poly relationship and was very hurt that Dana was interested in pursuing someone else. However, they still spend a ton of time together, share a car etc. so essentially they are still together.

Hannah has had a ROUGH year with a ton of big life changes and losses, so I have totally understood that the support they get from this relationship is comforting and that cutting this person off is not something they can do right away. However, I am starting to get really worried about the dynamic. Hannah seems to maybe be holding out hope that Dana will all of a sudden realize they want a monogamous relationship even though they have made it clear they don’t see themselves ever having a long-term partner, living with someone, being married etc. Hannah has expressed that she really wants a long-term partnership, to live with someone, be married and even have children. I am worried that Hannah is just going to be strung along by this person indefinitely and since they are essentially still together, Hannah is not going to be able to move on.

I firmly believe you should never give your opinions about someone else’s relationship, but I also think Hannah is ignoring some big red flags in order to hang onto the comfort of this relationship at the expense of her own happiness and self-worth. So should I say something? Should I be supporting this relationship? Would it make sense to maybe just say, hey this person doesn’t seem interested in the same life that you are maybe take some space and be open to other possibilities? Or do I just keep my mouth shut and watch this maybe end badly?

A

Valerie Anne: I think there are a few ways you could approach this, depending on how close you are. You know your relationship best and if any of these are viable and not likely to start a fight. One is just to straight up ask: “Can I ask you about the situation with Dana?” and if Hannah seems open to it, you can ask them about their thoughts and if they think their lingering relationship or “friendship” could be impeding their ability to date other people and make sure there are no residual feelings there. And if Hannah says they would rather not discuss it, then that’s that and you can drop it until Hannah brings it up again, if ever. If you’re not quite close enough for the direct approach, you could just ask them how dating is going, if they’ve met anyone new recently, and see where the conversation leads from there. Try to find an opening, to ask if you can ask about Dana, ask if Hannah thinks being so close to Dana still is making it hard to date new people. I think that’s the key here; if you’re not usually the type of friends who often share life advice or dating advice, I think you need to ask them if they’re open to talking about it before just being like, “I think you have a Dana problem.” That way, before you can share your opinion, they can consent to the question, and hopefully that will make them more open to really hearing you.

Summer: Hot damn, you have much firmer convictions than me if you think you should never give input on someone else’s relationship. If I’m close to a person, they always get an earful about what I think of their relationship. Both good and bad. I actually consider it a part of Girl Code to sit friends down and talk to them about worrying signs if we spot them because when relationships get bad (or even abusive), the person who is sitting in that swirl doesn’t always see it in time. Because that state of unpleasantness is the norm to them. Outside perspective and feedback are incredibly important, just as long as they’re delivered with care and consideration.

What I’m saying is, I believe that the good thing to do is to do what you can to ensure Hannah’s well-being. If you and Hannah are close enough for this to be appropriate, then you should have a say in pointing out things that concern you. You don’t have to go in and make an effort to divert her entire life course, but sometimes, all we need is someone to point out the issues to help us make our decisions.

Nico: Honestly, I tell my friends and loved ones to just give me unsolicited relationship advice and to tell me straight up if things do not seem to be good. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings on the idea of “minding your own business” and letting someone else waste their time — or worse. I also wouldn’t even term it as Hannah ignoring “red flags” because it sounds like Dana has actually been entirely up front with Hannah about expectations, polyamory, and then even when things shifted. Hannah’s the one who ignored that Dana had said she was poly and wanted a poly relationship. Frankly, and unfortunately, Hannah seems to be kind of letting herself get delusional about this, and you’re right — she’s acting like she thinks or hopes Dana is going to someday just completely change her mind. Now, she’s definitely only hurting herself long-term by focusing on this relationship instead of looking for someone who aligns with her desires for monogamy and nesting, and as her friend, it’s okay to ask her about the relationship, see what she has to say, and ask her if you can give your opinions on it. She might not immediately move on, but it’s important that during this turbulent time in her life, she knows that you have her back and that you’re the kind of friend who can have tough but important conversations. You know her best, so you’ll definitely have to use your own judgment while talking to her in case she’s the type to get mad at you for bringing something like this up, but you seem like you’re perceptive and like you have her best interests at heart so, good luck!

Em: Similar to Nico, I actively ask friends for input on my relationships even if I’ve expressed that I don’t want it. We’ve all been burned by too many red flags to let our friends blindly suffer. If this person is a close friend of yours, I think it’s more of a duty to gently confront her. You’ll want to be careful in how you approach the topic, and you might even want to expect for her to be a little upset with you. However, if you you ask to have the conversation with her and express your compassionate concern, I don’t think there’s anything wrong or unsolicited about it. Whatever you do, I strongly encourage to not keep your mouth shut. Sometimes staying silent is more harmful than saying something hard.

Ashni: I think if y’all are close friends, you should definitely say something gently. Dana’s been pretty explicit about what they want, and it’s at odds with what Hannah wants for herself. I do think you should open with curiosity about the relationship and let Hannah do most of the talking. You mentioned that Hannah went through A Lot this year, which is probably playing a role in her desire to hold on to her relationship with Dana. FWIW I don’t think Dana is doing the stringing along, considering they’ve been pretty clear about not wanting marriage or cohabitation! I think your job, both during the conversation (if you choose to have it) and after will be supporting Hannah as she comes to terms with Dana not being the right partner for her. And you’re a good friend! You care about Hannah and want her to have what she says she wants for herself! You got this!!

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