Q:

I’ll get to the point: I think my girlfriend thinks about her ex more than she thinks about me. But also maybe I’m being dramatic and she’s just sincerely mixing us up for innocuous reasons.

My girlfriend will say things like “I know you hate Halloween” or “I know you like to read science-fiction” but here’s the thing: I feel fine about Halloween and I don’t really read science-fiction. I do happen to know both of these facts are true for her ex though, who she was with for five or six years. We’ve been together for about 10 months.

I know it’s early in our relationship and I know she was with her ex for a while, but I can’t help but feel an ick about her constantly mixing up facts about her ex with facts about me. Am I overreacting be honest? I can’t tell if I’m just super jealous or confused or what.

A:

So I think a few mistakes here and there would be fine. I mean hell, my wife once called me her by her ex-wife’s name early on in our relationship, but that happened…one time. And I think other similar mishaps are bound to happen when someone was with a person for a very long time, but the fact that this is a recurring pattern is indeed a bit off! Not the BIGGEST red flag in the world, but one that I think at the very least warrants a conversation. There could be some legitimate forgetfulness happening for innocuous reasons, but you won’t know until you talk about it!

Have you had that conversation? Have you said “that’s actually your ex” when she makes those mistakes? I would start there. But I do think this could also be a symptom of a larger issue, which isn’t that she’s still not over her ex — in case that’s what you were worried about — but rather that she isn’t putting enough effort into getting to know you and likely isn’t listening to you enough. These might seem like trivial facts, but they’re actually not! Hating Halloween is an extremely specific detail about a person! It’s not necessarily weird to me that your ex still has this fact about her ex in her head, but it IS weird that she wouldn’t know how YOU feel about Halloween and makes me wonder if she has ever even asked.

She’s obviously living in the past, which is the real issue here. I don’t think you’re overreacting! I understand your jealousy in the situation, but I think it might be distracting from a more complicated feeling to unravel: feelings of neglect. Your girlfriend should be enthusiastically getting to know you and not assuming she already knows everything about you. She should be asking you questions about what you like and don’t like, what your interests are, and then really listening. Because it’s clear things are not being heard if she keeps making up facts about you in her head.

Start by pointing out these mistaken thoughts of hers about you are incorrect. You don’t even necessarily have to lead with the fact that they’re about her ex if you don’t want to get into all that. You can just say “I don’t know who you’re thinking about, but that actually isn’t me.” See how that goes. Tell her you’d like her to get to know you better and in a deeper and more present way. If it’s continuing, you can talk to her about how you feel like she isn’t being present with you and see if there are some underlying factors for that.

I don’t think you’re being dramatic, and I also don’t think this has to be a grounds for breakup unless you’re feeling routinely disrespected and unheard, so sit with yourself and decide if those feelings are happening a lot in this relationship. People do mix people up, but if it’s happening this often, it definitely needs to be addressed and discussed.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

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