And I get it! We are… white!

Q

Okay. I’m going to just dive right in here. I am a white cis lesbian dating a South Asian cis lesbian. Most of my family is white, but we are left/progressive/etc. and in my opinion, a fun bunch! My family lives close to where we live and we’re super tight, so we see them fairly often. Any time we leave an event or hang out with my family, my girlfriend makes remarks about how my family is “sooo white *eye roll*”. And I get it! We are… white! And I understand that white people lack significant culture and therefore can be boring or bland or just different than folks who have that present in their lives. The issue is, I straight up cannot change that they are white. So, the constant complaining or “roasting” of my family feels like a dead end road without any kind of solution for it. I’d feel differently if the complaint was “your family is conservative/right wing” or “your family makes me feel uncomfortable” or “your family excludes me” but none of these things are the case. Those are all issues that have solutions (cutting them off, correcting them, not bringing my partner around them). At a certain point, it just feels like maybe she doesn’t want to be dating a white person. Which is fine! But I feel like… break up with me? I really love her so I certainly do not want to break up with her, but if she ultimately doesn’t want to be with a white person, I would understand.

Do you think this is a case where she’s wanting us to bring in some of her culture into our time with my family but maybe doesn’t know how to ask for that? Or is that just cultural appropriation? Next time she makes this comment, should I ask her what kind of solutions she’d want to make my white family more tolerable?

I should also note that I never ever force/pressure her to come to these events/hangouts. It’s always up to her if she wants to join and she always does enthusiastically! I feel like she’d sit some of them out if it was torture for her.

What should I do? Is there a fix for this?

A

Summer: So I don’t subscribe to the ‘white people have no culture’ gag because it’s easy to fall into the meme and miss the underlying message: Parts of the history of white people involve aggressive subjugation of others, which shouldn’t be celebrated. Which while true, does not deprive anyone of their sociocultural richness. The other interesting problematic of this I explored in my Anthropology major was that… To ascribe such ‘blandness’ and normality to white people’s cultures (of which there are many) places it into the default position. By structuring it as completely common, normal, and uninteresting. Which reinforces the whiteness-as-the-default issue that is frequently critiqued by scholars and laypeople in every field from film to education. White people have culture. Because everyone has culture. The cultural practices of white people, like any, are worthy of critique, notice, and participation.

Which is also the interplay of cultural norms here, I think. I think there’s a cultural mismatch between how your girlfriend interacts with your family’s culture and practices. What I find interesting is that she’s happy to take part in gatherings with your fam, but also makes fun of them a lot in a manner that most people would consider inappropriate. Prejudice isn’t fair to anyone, but some people indulge in it much more willingly than others. I’m not South Asian, but for what it’s worth, a lot of Asian societies are quite relentlessly open about their prejudices. Of all kinds. Racial prejudice is one, but so are things like vicious fatphobia, and ableism (especially cognitive). The kicker? Many Asian societies (not necessarily hers), are only willing to say prejudicial things behind people’s backs and to people who are ‘in’ with us. I might be way off-base here or being presumptuous, but I’m wondering if she’s just talking to you the way she would to dear family: By relentlessly making fun of other people’s perceived deficiencies in an unproductive way as a form of solidarity. Asians are far from the only people who do it, but damn did we not turn prejudicial gossip into a sport. It’s not a good trait to have, either.

Ashni: Hi hello! I’m a South Asian dyke and I’ve dated my fair share of white folks. You’re absolutely right — you can’t change the fact that your family is white, and at some point, your girlfriend is going to have to accept that one of your core identities is ‘white person’. It seems like she might be having some trouble with that, or at least processing what it means to be dating a white person as a person of color (spoiler: it is not all roses, even in the best case scenario!). I don’t think this is a case where she’d want your family to bring in parts of her South Asian culture, as that almost definitely would compound the “sooo white” thing further. I really think the comments could just be her way of processing. When she spends time with your family, she might be the only person who looks like her in the room, the only person who isn’t afforded the same kind of privilege that everyone else gets. That’s hard to navigate, just speaking from experience. All that said, it sounds like the comments are getting to you, and it might be worth exploring if there’s something hiding beneath them on her side. I say lead with your feelings! If you’re hurt, let her know. It sounds like your girlfriend understands how important your family is to you, and that she doesn’t mind being around them, so I suspect it’ll go well.

In which we are a reputable travel agent and you are visiting Italy:

Q

I’m going to Italy on a solo trip after I graduate from grad school in May, the culmination of a massive career change and breakup from a long-term relationship.

1. How do I best Eat-Pray-Love this trip for optimal reflection & celebration?

2. What are the best things to do in Italy that are queer as f*ck?

3. How much pasta can a human possibly eat in 11 days?

A

Simona (In-house designer, noted Italian): Simona here, but I’ll call you my Dante and I’ll be your Virgil. A city will be the answer to each question, hoping you’ll have the chance to explore them all <3

1. How do I best Eat-Pray-Love this trip for optimal reflection & celebration?
I’ll be controversial here and tell you not to follow Julia in Rome. Southern Italy is waiting for you, and Naples & Palermo are the best cities to get lost in the smallest streets imaginable, chaotic local culture, crazy street food and beautiful landscape. They are the right place to distract you from any stress you would still be carrying. May is the perfect season too to enjoy the beaches, and go on hikes on their mountains and volcanoes.

2. What are the best things to do in Italy that are queer as f*ck?
Queer as f*ck you say? Then you gotta pay me a visit in Milan. The city is packed and you can cross it by foot in just an hour, it’s just the perfect place to meet people and have multiple options weekly for queer parties. Here it’s not just weekends, but almost every day there is something cool/niche/underground to do in the night, plus so many collectives making a difference with not only events but also workshops, movie nights, sports’ groups, etc. Check out Pessima, Slipmode, Viperrr, Spiritual Sauna and PWC!

3. How much pasta can a human possibly eat in 11 days?
Omnes viae Romam ducunt. NOW, Rome is your destination. There’s a chance that in 11 days, eating pasta 24/h, you still would have not been able to try all types of pastas that roman cuisine has to offer.

Summer: I can’t assist on the reflection part much because I’m a stressful traveler. But celebration? Eat lots of food. Can’t go wrong eating well in Italy. Also, consider venturing to the slightly smaller cities, not just Roma or Venice. The most tourist-y cities will be clogged with… tourists. Like you. And the locals won’t be nearly as friendly because they’re so accustomed to tourists. The Summer months in Italy (May onward) will also be tourist high season, so they’ll be doubly annoyed.

When my girlfriend took a trip to Italy a few years ago, she had a marvelous experience in Ravenna. Still a magnificent city with great food, sights, and history. But because it was more up-and-coming in tourism, they were much friendlier to tourists. And there were fewer people in the way.

How much pasta can a person eat in 11 days? Frankly, a lot. My girlfriend can pack it away but I’m more fond of Italian pizza. Thin, crisp crusts and a smattering of high quality, simple toppings. Can’t beat that. You can pack away so much pasta, but remember other options too!

Also, this is such a great opportunity to call it Eat Gay Love

Nico: I can’t give you advice for Italy specifically, but I can give you advice for solo travelling! The following numbers do not correspond directly to your questions, but are all, actually, a big general answer to Q1.

Dating apps while traveling can be fun! I’ve both gone on dates while solo traveling and gone on dates with travelers and it can be nice! You just need to be open about what’s going on, what you’re looking for, and what someone can expect from you. But, if it’s a mutually agreed upon date, then that can be a great way to experience a location and really fulfills the ‘love’ portion of your eat, gay, love goals. (Shout out to summer for that one.)

Have a flexible itinerary: since you’re going solo, you have the ability to adjust and adapt by the minute, the hour, the day. Suddenly realize you aren’t feeling your plans for the day? If you haven’t committed to anything costly, you can simply change them. I don’t know if you’re as extreme an un-planner for me, but I feel like booking the first two nights of accommodations for a trip to another country is enough — the first is to rest, and the second is to plan your next moves. This DOES eliminate a lot of options for things you need to reserve ahead of time, but it also allows you to say “I’d actually like to spend a few days in the countryside” and then to find a way to make that happen once you’re on the ground and you know how things feel to you. Obviously, that’s a more extreme end of the spectrum, but you can and should take advantage of being the only person you have to please with your plans. There is no “should” or “shouldn’t.” I’m not necessarily advocating hedonism — like maybe climbing a mountain is going to be something you want to really go for and push yourself toward even if you wake up feeling groggy that day — but really do not feel like there is anything you must or must not do or see. Especially when it comes to eating, you are likely to see things as you adventure that you hadn’t considered that you’ll just HAVE to try. I find that a mix of tasty, smaller convenience meals and then treats where money was intentionally spent, was the way to go.

Be safe, but also be open: Traveling solo results in many opportunities to have great conversations with locals and fellow tourists alike. I’ve found people are more open to talking to a person who’s clearly going it alone, and I think actively cultivating conversations that happen organically can lead to a lot of surprise or just good fun and recommendations. If anything feels off, obviously, do not engage. Always know where you’re staying at night. And especially don’t imbibe too much and always watch / cover your drinks whether alcoholic or not. Follow your instincts and maintain situational awareness, but also, be open to the serendipity that can happen when you’re willing to just have conversations with strangers. I feel like meeting people and talking to them is a really spiritual experience, personally. I hope you have fun with it.

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