Q:

I moved to a big city in 2019, where my best gay pal has lived for years. Meeting new folks got slowed down by COVID, and so he’s the closest friend I have here by a mile — he’s already someone I’ve been friends with for 15 years, but the fact that the pandemic halted social activity means everyone else I know here is still a casual friend at best rather than a strong attachment.

Thing is, he can be a very negative person. I feel like that’s gotten worse lately, but it could be that it seems worse due to feeling limited socially and being around him a lot. Some of this negativity includes:

• telling me that he dislikes the people who work at a gay bar I started hanging out at, in a way that strongly suggested he didn’t want me to go there
• loudly complaining about a disabled person on a flight we took together, including saying “if I am ever like that I just won’t fly so others don’t have to wait for me”
• criticizing my sister’s social media posts and saying I should “do something about her”

Obviously, it can be really offensive and even embarrassing. If I confront him on what he says, he tends to shrug it off like this is just gay cattiness and has even said “lesbians are too worried about being problematic”.

It frustrates me that he treats it like this is gay vs lesbian culture; to me it’s just rude. I’ve started hanging out with him less because he’s just annoying at times.

I feel like this is putting a strain on our friendship where it’s hard for me to set boundaries without losing social time, not to mention the person I would need in an emergency. I’m at a loss for what to do if he doesn’t see what’s wrong with what he is saying.

A:

You know, if your friend was just a bit negative or pessimistic, I’d be willing to extend him a little more grace, but it kind of sounds like he’s being an asshole to be honest! In the examples you gave, he comes off as controlling, ableist, and judgmental. That goes beyond negativity! Those are some serious red flags in friendship.

What’s also a red flag for me is his reaction to you confronting him on his bullshit. His framing of this as a gays vs. lesbians thing is also offensive and rude! And it’s not based in reality; it’s based in his own preconceived notions. I have had plenty of fulfilling close friendships with gay men throughout my life. I have also had some falling outs with gay men when their misogyny and weird opinions on lesbians began to come to the surface. It happens. Just because we share queerness with someone doesn’t mean we share the same values across the board. But at the same time, your friend’s suggestion that he’s just doing “gay cattiness” and “lesbians are too worried about being problematic” doesn’t sound all that different from straight dudes being like “women are too sensitive!” just because they want to make gross jokes about women. We shouldn’t be pitting different groups in the LGBTQ+ umbrella against each other, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships!

There’s catty, and then there’s rude. To me, the best cattiness is rooted in genuine humor. It doesn’t sound like he’s being funny at all! It sounds like he’s being rude, dismissive, and self-centered. Of course, I only have the limited scope your letter offers, but especially because of his weak defense of these moments, I feel like it may be time to shift your expectations of this person. Is there a world in which you could maintain him as an emergency contact but still set some new boundaries and expectations? I know your other friendships are just casual friends, but don’t several casual friends in some ways serve you better than one close friendship that takes from you more than it gives? (Only you can decide if this friendship currently takes from you more than it gives, a question which might take some time to sit with.)

There are no easy answers here. I don’t want you to lose a friend; that’s not what I’m rooting for at all. But I also don’t want you to excuse behavior that makes you uncomfortable just because you can’t imagine a life with better boundaries with this person. It sounds like you’ve already made some adjustments by hanging out with him less. How has that felt? Does it bring you a sense of relief when you don’t have to spend time with him? Maybe listen to that. You’re going to miss the friendship no matter what, and it’s hard to find a replacement for a 15-year friendship, especially with how Covid has completely changed the way we socialize. But you shouldn’t have to feel like you’re constantly worried a friend is going to say something offensive or rude. If he can’t see that what he’s doing is wrong and make the changes, then it’s up to you to do so.

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