Q:
I am gay and have a crush on this girl in my class. I’ve liked her for months and known her longer and have tried and failed to tell her my feelings toward her. I was about to finally muster up the courage to talk to her when I heard that she was dating a guy. I feel lousy about not telling her sooner, and now that I know she is straight we could never have been anything anyways. I feel even worse. How do I avoid hating her boyfriend and get over her?
A:
Before we jump into anything, I’m wondering how you know she’s 100% straight. She could definitely be straight, but she also might be bisexual, curious, or on her own journey of sexuality. I wouldn’t count it out unless she’s told you herself. Regardless of where she is, though, you need to know how to deal with the crush agony we’re all too familiar with.
What does trying and “failing” look like? Obviously this isn’t a live conversation, but I’m curious what this period of trying to tell her your feelings actually entailed. Have you talked to her at all up to this point? Have you been friendly for months? Have you been texting her nonstop and making plans? Or has this been a really quiet girl-next-door yearning? I suppose words of comfort are slightly different depending on where you stand with her. However, my advice is pretty much the same regardless.
You can’t get rid of your feelings overnight. You will need to ride the rollercoaster before you can get off. It sucks. It’s horrible. The 100% non-therapeutic suggestion I have is to picture your crushes doing something really unattractive or boring to you, like pooping (that’s a me thing, not objectively unattractive) or waiting in line at the DMV. It’s kinda like my crush version of “picture the audience in their underwear.” It doesn’t work long-term, but it helps take the edge off for a bit.
From there, it depends on how you best deal with things. When I have a crush I know I can’t pursue, I have to take some space from the friendship altogether for a while. Others find it more helpful to stay friends and let her slowly come down off your pedestal. In my younger years, I used to get so worked up that I forced myself to confess my feelings to everyone, even if I knew they didn’t like me. I wouldn’t suggest this unless she straightforwardly asks you or you find yourself in a situation where you feel like you might want to explain yourself. If you want to keep the friendship, support her when you can. Then, when you go home from hanging out with her, put on a gay screaming crying yelling playlist to vigorously dance around to.
As for the boyfriend, I’m going to ask you to do something pretty tough. If you want to work on a friendship with this girl, I want you to look for evidence that this guy is actually a pretty okay guy. Is he smart? Funny? Honest? Treats her well? She likes him for a reason, and if you like her, maybe he has some redeeming qualities you might actually like (in a platonic way). If you don’t want to stay friends with her and want to ghost this whole situation forever, then I suggest you do just that. Explore new activities/events/friend groups to remind yourself that there are plenty of gay fish in the gay sea.
Even though it doesn’t feel like it, these feelings will pass. What’s meant for you will come to you. In the meantime, dance/cry/sweat/scream it out.
Agree with all this excellent advice!
But “what’s meant for you will come to you” is a really bleh cliche – picture saying it to someone grieving a loved one or who has no money to eat and that will help you to remember never to say it ever again!