Does wanting strap-on sex all the time mean my girlfriend might leave me for a man?

Q:

So, I, a cis, masc of center lesbian in my early 30s, and am dating a bisexual cis woman in her early 30s. We’ve been together about 9 months. I’ve had a number of relationships with women. I’m her first serious relationship with a woman tho she’s hooked up with women before. At first, we were all over each other, fucking wherever we could find the space, we both have super high sex drives, nobody has ever matched me like her for sex drives. It’s still hot, but we started incorporating toys, and it’s become obvious that no matter what else we do or how much fun those other things are, what she wants most is for me to fuck her with a strap-on. Also the strap-on is at home (we both have one at our places) so we really only have sex if we’re at one of our homes now.

We still have plenty of sex. She is very reciprocal. I get mine. She straps me if I want! She goes down on me, fingers me, uses toys on me. But when it comes to what she wants me to do to her, she’s just very strap-focused. I really have pushed myself to work past my fear of dating women who also date men, like feeling worried that they’ll leave me for a man. But I can do really incredible things with my hand, if I do say so myself, but her always wanting the strap-on, always calling me “daddy,” talking about my dick, asking me to come in her… I’m starting to feel insecure that what she really wants is the real thing. Is it unreasonable for me to be insecure? Is this normal and I just haven’t encountered it before?

A:

Riese: I think there’s a few ways to think about what you’re going through right now, but one thing I wanna address is that you might want to reconfigure your thinking about the relationship between gender and genitalia. I think you’re using “men” here when you mean “cis men,” but also non-binary people and women can have penises, too, and men and non-binary people can have vulvas. Your partner is bisexual, which means she’s attracted to people of all genders, and it’s possible that her conception of what genitals go with which gender isn’t the same as yours. So even the foundational concept of this insecurity might not be valid at all, you know?

This also might be useful to think about for you because it could help you to divorce this sex act from gender and ask yourself like, are you unhappy about fucking her with a strap-on? Do you wish you were doing other things ’cause you just… would like to be doing other things? Or would like to be able to fuck in locations besides your house? The strap-on thing could just be a phase, btw, like maybe this is what she’s into now and you’ll go through lots of different phases over the course of your sex life. Maybe it’s just what she’s used to from mostly being with cis men before, but that doesn’t mean she wishes she was still with a man, it’s just the kind of sex she’s used to! And we all get used to different kinds of sex based on our last partner, and then explore different things (or not!) with the next person.

I’m gonna be really honest with you for a minute — dildos enable a person without a penis or without a penis-that-gets-hard to fuck someone with a penis-shaped object strapped to their genital area… but dildos generally don’t feel like penises. It’s really not the same experience! One isn’t empirically better than the other, and while I’m sure many people prefer one over the other, equating a strap-on with an actual penis isn’t serving you for many reasons. I’d be absolutely shocked if she prefers strap-on sex because it reminds her of being with a cis man.

Because you asked if this has happened to any of us before I’ll note that I have a sort of similar experience — she wasn’t strap-on exclusive, but she definitely liked for us to use it a lot, and she did a lot of gender play with me like what you describe. And that girl was truly the gayest person I have ever known, so.

I think get out of your head and your insecurities and just ask this girl why she prefers strap-on sex exclusively and then go from there!

Em Win: You’re trying to be fair to your experience and your partner’s. Even though you didn’t directly say it, I can tell you’re aware of the stigma bisexual women get for “switching sides” or going through “phases.” You’ve shared that she seems to have a pretty clear sense of queer identity from her past dating life to the way you write about your relationship now. Your insecurities are valid, especially because our culture has gendered sex and pretty much everything that has to do with it. However, her preferences, even as a queer person in a queer relationship, are valid, too. You are associating her gendering of penetration and masculine names with cis sex, which is totally understandable! But then again, it could also just be an association. Maybe she only feels comfortable using those names with you because of your unique relationship? Maybe she just prefers penetration no matter who or where it’s from? Or, maybe–as you’re suggesting–it could lead top a bigger conversation about her needs. There are so many dynamics happening here that the best I can suggest is to talk to her directly about how the constant strapping/names makes you feel. You can express your insecurities around genitals and cismen and still validate her preferences in bed. When it comes to sex nothing and everything is normal. It’s so completely unique to the people involved that the way to normalize it is to normalize it alongside your partner with a clear sense of understanding and communication.

Summer: Hmm yeah, there’s complexity in this one that is inherent to what’s going on in your partner’s mind. Different people will read different ideas into her behavior.

The read I’m getting from your writing is that I don’t think she’s intentionally viewing you + strap-on as a replacement for a cis man. It looks to me like you’re both making a strong effort to deliver what the other person wants sexually. Also importantly: your sex drives are matched and there is mutuality. That doesn’t look to me like an issue where she’s losing interest in you. A lot of the time when our partners want something from us that isn’t our go-to, our first port-of-call is feeling insecure or inadequate. Because we’re viewing their actions through our lens. I still think she’s very into you and very interested in your pleasure and collective sex life. Disinterest would be shown through exactly that: loss of interest in sex, delaying or declining sex, and increased interest in activities or roles you literally cannot provide.

Nonetheless, it is telling that she has a preferred activity. One that involves masculinizing you and your role in bed. That would be okay if it didn’t make you uncomfortable and that’s an issue that is worth addressing. I want to assume that she’s not doing anything intentionally to hurt you, but she has a preferred form of stimulation that is tied to her sexual socialization. Being bi often means being nudged into compulsive heterosexuality and its assumptions. For many people, being bi can mean being raised to believe that the ‘gay’ part of their sexuality is lesser. And that heteronormative approaches to sexuality are still the default. Some of that might be reflecting in the way she prefers sex with you.

I also want to add that sex, even in person, is often fantastical. I can understand why you feel insecure about her remarking on your ‘dick’ and asking you to ‘come in her’. Because those speak to qualities you literally can’t replicate fully. But this could just be her way of enjoying herself. Maybe it speaks less to her wanting an actual physical penis and its capabilities and rather speaks to her preferred role in bed: a receiving partner who receives penetration. And she vocalizes her desires that way. The fact is, I don’t believe your performance or capabilities are inadequate because she’s still coming back.

But you’ll only know if you sit down and talk to her. Because talking to her will give you a chance to discuss your observations and discomfort. Gives you a chance to clarify feelings and stances and learn what her thoughts about this are. It looks to me like she has a default mode of sexual activity (don’t worry, most people do) that she’s settled into. But that means if you want to change the course, you’ll have to do something about it.

If you want some points to think about above the question of how much she enjoys penetration:

• Are you both satisfied with the balance of sexual activity in your relationship? That means the balance of top labor vs. bottom labor, sexual frequency, intensity, and diversity of activities. Are there areas of improvement you’d like?
• Are you both happy with each other as sexual beings?
• Are you both satisfied with your roles and forms of address during sex? Like top, bottom, feminine, masculine, etc. Are there areas where somebody wants some change?
• Is your girlfriend’s responses to receiving penetration a literal interest in penises, or a reflection of the sexual roles she enjoys?

Q:

What do you do when you’re stressed, but not drinking?

I used to cope with most of my stress by drinking a lot, but I’m doing a sober year and am struggling to figure out healthier ways to cope. Any tips?

A:

Summer: Oh, I literally feel qualified to answer this one. I did my Master’s in substance use treatment with a focus on queerness. I don’t often get to use that knowledge.

So first-off, I’m glad you made this decision. I can only guess it came from a place of feeling like the amount of drinking was resulting in a volume of harm that is worth addressing. And that’s great. It shows you taking command of parts of your life in search of happier alternatives.

So, ‘healthier’ ways to cope with stress are as diverse as the people who experience stress. That is, everyone. Some people can fill the time with downtime activities. Others make art or socialize. Some people take up a hobby or get an animal companion. Others downgrade from one chemical to a less harmful one (strong energy drinks to coffee; binge drinking to limited marijuana use).

It… depends on you, and what you feel is missing in your life. The gap that used to be filled with alcohol and associated activities (going out drinking, partying, etc.). Assessing the nature of that gap will give you a strong starting point for what you can fill it with that’s less harmful to you than alcohol. If that stress is linked to past trauma, then working through that trauma using personal reflection, journals, or therapy may provide a buffer. If that stress is related to physical tension, then relaxing activities like stretching, yoga, napping, self-massage can fill the space. If alcohol was part of socialization (‘my friends only hang out at the bar so here I am’), then you may want to seek alternative socialization that doesn’t encourage drinking alcohol.

The reason I’m discussing stress rather than alcohol is because if you don’t address the stressors in your life, then the pull of alcohol or similarly harmful coping mechanisms will still exist.Many people who drop a harmful cope without addressing the underlying drivers find themselves pulled into another one. (I was educated in a model that treats ‘vices’ as a symptom of distress, and not a only problem themselves).

Oh, and most importantly, when dropping a harmful habit of any kind, please remember to find kindness toward yourself. Recognize that persistence, slow progress is incredibly valuable. Recognize that sometimes, we make errors and slide back in our progress. Sometimes we relapse into past harms (for me, it’s anorexia.) and that is completely okay. What matters is that we keep trying, forgive ourselves for small errors, and work on larger ones.

Without going any deeper into it, and without making too many recommendations, I’ll bullet-point my thoughts for you:

• Cheer yourself on. Find pride and trust in yourself to make the right decision. Whether that decision is dropping alcohol entirely, reducing consumption, or working on some other area. Be proud of your decisions and drive to work on yourself.
• Identify the stressors in your life that pushed you toward drinking in the first place. Then, search for alternatives to fill out the space. Was part of the stress a lack of relaxation? Was it anxiety? Was it socialization/social anxiety? Was it trauma and the weight of the past? Was it a need for sleep?
• Once you’ve identified your stressors, break them down into manageable, small acts of intervention. Try something small and targeted that you think will benefit that stressor and put it into action. Reflect on how it makes you feel and if it feels better. Repeat.
• If you ever make an error or relapse, forgive yourself afterward. Give yourself the credit you deserve for putting in the effort. Reflect on what happened and what you would change next time. Then keep trying.

Valerie: What sucks about coping skills is that they’re different for everyone. So I’m going to share some of mine, but they might not work for you; some might not work at first, but will if you try it a few times, some might never work at all, but there are SO many things to try, so don’t give up if my suggestions don’t work for you. Some of my go-tos are a little more obvious – I like to unwind from a busy day by putting on an ambiance video on YouTube and reading. (I like to pair my sounds to my books; story about mermaids = ocean sounds, high fantasy = medieval tavern sounds, there’s something for every vibe!) I’ll light a candle, snuggle up with my favorite blanket, and try to fully immerse myself.

Also I find writing things out helps me parse out what is bothering me and/or makes big problems seem not-so-big. I’m not even a big journaler but sometimes I just need to lay it all out on paper. I also find one thing that will make my brain chill out when it’s going a thousand miles an hour is working with my hands. Lately I’ve been really into DIY Book Nooks, which are essentially 3D puzzles, but I also like regular puzzles. I find keeping my hands busy keeps me from mindlessly scrolling on my phone, which I find exacerbates my stress levels if I’m not careful. Doing a hobby that requires my hands helps my mind from wandering too far off the path.

I have also unfortunately learned that moving my body works too. If I designate a specific period of time – whether it’s 10 minutes or an hour – to do a workout, stretch, or go on a walk, it helps clear my mind a little. Sometimes I even take a “calm the fuck down shower,” which is just like a regular shower except the goal is less about cleanliness and more about getting out of my own way. Whichever coping mechanism I choose, I try to ensure I’m focused on it. I tell myself that during the period of time I’ve allotted for this activity, I have to do my best to not think about the things that stress me out the most. I have to do my best to focus on the activity at hand. Easier said than done some days, but I find when I do, I come back to my problems or my work or whatever is stressing me out with a slightly clearer mind about it. And no matter what coping mechanism you choose: take a deep breath. You’ve got this.

Q:

Non-binary wedding party names needed!

Hi friends,

My sister just got engaged and has asked me to be in her bridal party. Which is awesome and of course I said yes. But I’m non binary so she asked me what term I’d prefer instead of bridesmaid but I’m a bit stuck. Any suggestions for a gender neutral alternative to bridesmaid?
Thanks in advance!

A:

Valerie: I’ve seen “bridesmates” used before, which I think is cute, and probably the most similar to “bridesmaid” if that’s important to you and your sister. Much cuter than “attendants” which I’ve also seen suggested, though that is a practical word and can work if you’re going for something more formal/traditional. But you could also get creative with it, depending on the vibe and sense of humor of the people getting married. “Bridesbuds,” or “bridespals,” or for the group you could be the “bride’s brigade” or something like that so you don’t have to be called anything individually. Just “Oh I’m in my sister’s wedding, I’m part of the bridal bunch!” I know the bar is the floor, but I’ve seen so many family weddings go awry because of something like this, so I’m so glad your sister is considering your feelings in this and asking your preference for terms that will make you feel comfortable. That’s a good sister!!

Kayla: My wife and I went with VIPs for everyone in our wedding parties, taking the gendered language out of both sides of it. Honestly our VIPs really embraced the title. Who doesn’t wanna be a VIP? It was also easy for my vendors and family members who were helping plan to remember.Love a cheeky title or play on words but VIP kept it simple while still feeling special.

Em Win: Bridesfriend, sibling of honor, bridesthem, bromaid, bridessibling, or support sibling are some that come to mind. Of course, some of these will vary depending on what pronouns you use or what role you’re comfortable with. If your sister refers to you as something other than her “sibling,” I would encourage you to play around with whatever word you use. Similar to “bromaid,” you could take parts of “groom” language and combine it with “brides” language such as “bridesman.” Our Managing Editor, Kayla, used VIPs (very important people) to describe her and her wife’s crews. I’m curious whether your sister is just changing your title, or if she’s open to something like “wedding party” to describe her whole crew. If she is open to gender-expansive ideas, she could call you all the bride crew/squad/team and number or name you. For example, Bride Squad #3 or Bride Squad – Em. Sending you a little extra support as you navigate potential dysphoria in a ceremony filled with love and intention but not really created with us in mind!

Ashni: That IS awesome! I’m in a wedding this summer, and the brides have opted to use “bridesmate” for all the members of the wedding party if that’s helpful at all! If that doesn’t feel like the right title for you, maybe “bridesperson” or “person of honor” or “bridesbuddy”? Or perhaps “Protector of the Veil” (I know that last one sounds a little cheesy but I love it and am seriously considering using it if I ever get married!)

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