Minnesota House Committee Passes Anti Gay Marriage Amendment, Narrowly Subverts Nuclear War and Apocalypse

THANK GOD SOMEONE IS LOOKING OUT FOR THE FUTURE OF THIS COUNTRY AND THE WHOLE WORLD!

Over in Minnesota, home of the film Fargo and millions of lovely people and the blasphemous Senator Al Franken, the House Committee has found an ingenious way to get health care to low-income families and ensure all Americans learn how to read before second-grade: “along party lines (10-7), the House Civil Law Committee passed a bill Monday to add a constitutional amendment that would restrict marriage in Minnesota to one man and one woman“!!!

I mean seriously people DUH — this is how you solve problems, it’s not complicated! Well if you can’t wrap your Yankee head around it, I drew you a picture:

Now the Pro-Gay side really did put up a fight, trying to convince the Anti-Gay to have feelings like “empathy” or “the feeling recognizing our common humanity” — I mean they even brought out a guy who’s gay son DIED in Afghanistan to tell a devastating, passionate, emotional story which ended with a plea to Veterans specifically to not be bigots. Luckily, the other side stood up against that appeal to their hearts and instead voted to introduce discrimination into their constitution, just as George Washington would have wanted them to. USA! USA!

Bishop Bob Battle of the Berean Church of God in Christ, which sounds very lovely and Christ-like, shared this opinion:

“I don’t consider gay marriages as the same as whites not being allowed to marry blacks. Gay marriage advocates have attempted to hijack the civil rights movement. I know what civil rights are, and gays in America have all the civil rights as anyone else.”

When pressed to explicate on this point that should really be obvious to anyone who’s ever read a newspaper or magazine, Bob Battle pointed out  that gays have “the right to vote, the right to housing, the right to employment and the right to ride in the front of the bus.”

Let me recap that for you in case you were too busy crying about Canada:

1. right to vote

2. right to housing

3. right to employment

4. right to ride in the front of the bus

Now, the liberal hogwash newspaper biased media hellmachine from Satan which “reported” this news thought they’d slip in this little piece of “journalism” after that excellent point from Bob Battle:

Despite that testimony, 40 states currently allow discrimination against LGBT people in employment, housing and public accommodations.

WHATEVER! Anyhow, then some liberal girl in some level of government in Minnesota, her name is Melissa Hortman, what could she possibly say when people like Bob Battle are out there existing, saying brilliant things:

“The definition of marriage used to be about property: Me, as property passed from my father to my husband. The definition of civil marriage has evolved over time — and thank God it has. I appeal to you not to put the question of fundamental civil rights to a majority vote.”

I’m sorry, is my pie ready, Melissa? WOMAN BAKE ME A PIE.

Yeah, that’s what I thought. Pie time, lady. Pie time. Anyhow moving on to the next gassbag to take the stand. This guy, Steve Simon, he’s Jewish, so what’s he complaining about, he’s probably really rich and can buy whatever he wants, like a duck or a gay marriage or a duck pond.

Steve Simon says this BRILLIANT life-saving ammendment is an attempt to “enshrine religious beliefs” into the Minnesota Constitution, and this should be especially obvious when considering that “almost all the testifiers in support are religious leaders.”

Right, hello! God sent them here and told them to come to this courthouse and spend their time getting this amendment onto this bill. That’s why they’re called RELIGIOUS LEADERS. Starving children don’t feed themselves, sometimes you have to get your hands dirty!

Sorry but who am I gonna listen to, the dude God sent, or this Jewish guy? Well I’m not Pro-Choice so you won’t see me lining up with The Chosen People.

“I’m Jewish. Eating pork or shellfish is not allowed in my tradition, but I would never ask the government to impose that on our fellow citizens…. How many more gay people does God have to create before we accept that God actually wants them around?”

Yawn.

In other news, the Democrats in Minnesota have been walking around with their skorts in their noses, claiming this is all some Big Distraction from important issues like “the budget.”:

“Regardless of how you feel about [gay marriage rights], now is the not the time to be working on them. We have a $5 billion deficit that’s staring us in the face, let’s focus on that.”

Math. Boring.
+
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Here’s a video:

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womp WOMP.

So when the 2012 election comes around this question will be right up on it:

“Shall the Minnesota Constitution be amended to provide that only a union of one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as a marriage in Minnesota?”

So if you live there, you can decide for yourself if you want to see Minnesota explode in flames or if you want to see Minnesota be the “nice” place Al Franken thinks it should be. It also looked very friendly in Fargo.

SEE YOU THEN SUCKERS, I’m going to EuroDisney!

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Riese

Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3279 articles for us.

59 Comments

  2. Oh thank God for this snark, Riese. It’s put a smile on my homo-sad face over Canada.

    Although not-so good news for my immediate Southern neighbours… Hmm… Now I feel all weird and twisted up inside.

  3. As someone from Minnesota, this makes my soul hurt. It was irritating enough that Iowa got gay marriage before we did. (I say this more out of jealousy than a desire to insult the noble people of Iowa with their corn and important presidential primary.)

    • well. you’ve got a year and a half to convince your elderly neighbors we aren’t scary and that they should vote no. get on it!

      • if you don’t have any elderly neighbors you can probably borrow someone else’s, they probably won’t mind

        • I would, but I’m currently on another continent, fretting about the motherland from afar. But my parents are retired, so they have lots of time. I will ask them to get on it on my behalf.

    • As someone from Iowa, thank you for the corn-based homage to my noble people. But as someone who is also currently residing in Minnesota, my corn-fed heart can’t take much more of this.

      It’s a sad day when you consider relocating to Iowa to be a good thing.

  5. Minneapolis has one of the highest percentage by population GLBT residents in the U.S., and as a resident of the great ol’ state known for their “Minnesota Nice” I am extremely disappointed. However, it is the true definition of “Minnesota Nice,” which basically is pretend to be the nicest person in the world but before others even turn their back, the snarky comments and looks will start. We have amazing GLBT centers for teens and an amazing community that is widely accepted by the general public, but behind our backs they are taking that nice smile off of their face and doing what they can keep their precious marriage to themselves.

    I don’t know about all of you, but I just want to be able to call a venue to ask about prices and dates for my wedding reception without receiving an awkward silence after saying two female names. Without having to be told “But you know you can’t get MARRIED correct, this would not be legal.” Without having to call a place that we registered and have to nicely convince the people to replace civil union with wedding! (BTW – Minnesota doesn’t even have civil unions, the only relationship recognition available it Domestic Partnerships)

    sorry to rant……just disappointed.

  6. WOW! I can ride at the front of the bus???I didn’t know that! I thought I belonged in the back with all the rest of the queers! Guess I’ll shut up about wanting gay marriage because at least I get a front row seat on the bus!!!

    • Silly, I thought the only front seats available were on the Anti-Family Gay Agenda Bandwagon!!

    • Well, as long as we can ride at the front of the bus on the way to our lower-paying/non-existent jobs, having awesome holiday dinners with our families who may or may not think we’re morally corrupt/going to hell, or to be blocked from visiting our girlfriends/boyfriends/probs-not-legally-recognized-spouses in the hospital, we’re clearly done here. WE HAVE ALL THE CIVIL RIGHTS, YOU GUYS.

  7. I definitely couldn’t have made it through reading an article about this from a traditional news source – a spoonful of sarcasm makes the bad news go down! Thanks.

  8. why do these people even care? It’s not like we’ll force them to gay-marry us in a dark tower used for devil worshiping and unicorn sacrifices.
    I actually like unicorns.

  9. Documentarian: Do you think that most people would say that gay marriage is a good idea?
    Gladys Leeman: Ooooh yeah, sure. I know what some of your big city, nooo bra wearin’, hairy legged women libbers might say. They might say that gay marriage is a civil right.
    Iris: What’s sick is women dressin’ like men.
    Gladys Leeman: Yoooou betcha’, Iris. Nooo, I think you boys are gonna find somethin’ a little different here in Mt. Rose. For one thing, we’re all God fearin’ folk – every last one of us. And you will not find a “back room” in our video store. Nooo no, that filth is better left to the Sin Cities.
    Iris: A.K.A. Minneapolis – St. Paul.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iur4LJmF5hk

  10. “I know what civil rights are, and gays in America have all the civil rights as anyone else.”
    Hmm. Well, either he was a wee bit too busy appreciating the teacher’s , ahem, assets during that class, or I’d like some of what he’s smoking, please!

  11. As a Minnesota resident, this breaks my heart but you know what will break my heart more? I will have to talk to my kids about it because my they desperately want their parents to be legally married. Whatever ambivalence I had about getting married has been erased by their desire for it. I really believed that we’d have that right in the next 4 to 5 years and now I have to face the real possibility that we won’t.

  12. This is fucking terrible news, but thank you for the satire. Sometimes all you can do is laugh so as not to cry instead. :\

  13. i like that the ability to buy a duck / duck pond is the new standard for success. feel like i’m close to that.

    • Does a kiddie pool count? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure I could convince some local ducks to take up residence.

  14. “Over in Minnesota, home of the film Fargo and millions of lovely people and the blasphemous Senator Al Franken, the House Committee has found an ingenious way to get health care to low-income families and ensure all Americans learn how to read before second-grade”

    I didn’t read the title, and read this and was all OH WOW THAT WOULD BE SO COOL, how will they do it?

    And therefore I had a broken heart for the rest of the article.

  15. The worst part of all of this, in my view, is that gay marriage is already illegal in Minnesota. There are two state statutes that ban it, so really, they are just trying to make it extra-super illegal. Because, you know, two laws aren’t enough, we must need a constitutional amendment also.

    • THIS. UGH.

      I went to the hearing for this bill, and a badass lawyer chick with real cute glasses named Jane Bowman laid the smack down wrt this, she was awesome

  17. You also get serious points for the video of hot Republican Madeline Koch using logic to explain to her party that removing rights is not what the Republican party is about; a fact the party has long lost.

  18. Thank you Riese for this brrrrilliant piece of journalism. And how ’bout that fresh-faced young republican? Very sensible gal.

  19. I’d like to add that not everyone from Minnesota is a moronic biggot. Some of us are actually gay or anti-homophobia.

  20. The saddest thing about this moment is that all I can think of is that Fargo is in North Dakota, not Minnesota. This kind of news story has become that normal to me. (albeit without the awesome satirical writing).

  21. So I can ride in the front of the bus, I just can’t take that bus to my wedding.

  22. well I mean, the swan DID eat her baby. swans are pretty gay. I’d say even gayer than ducks. do we need swan ponds instead?

    • new goal – get gay married in front of a swan pond. then when Satan rears his behorned head from the lake to give us a big gay hi five, it will look quite elegant.

      • also why is this not underneath the drop dead gorgeous quote damn you fancy phone.

        ps my best friend stole my drop dead gorgeous dvd in high school and I finally got it back 8 years later. VICTORY

  25. As a gay Minnesotan, I am going to vote the shit out of that bill. Hell no are we having another Prop 8. No no no.

  26. I have many friends who support me and are Minnesotans. I grew up in MN and was surrounded by anti-gay friends. Those people are no longer my friends since I came out. I know Sven and Ole support the LGBT community.

    Oh BTW Fargo is in ND not MN!!!!!

  27. Here’s the committee who passed the bill. Every single Republican voted yes. Fuck you, Torrey Westrum. I’m a fucking gay Minnesotan and I just recently got the right to vote, so if this actually gets put to the people, prepare to be dykestomped.

  28. We were just talking about this over in the Twin Cities Straddlers group! I went to the hearing on Friday. It was actually pretty badass! This hater was like, “Redefining marriage is like redefining water. Water is H20. We could redefine it as H2H or 020, but we’d all die.” And then the pro-queermos were like, “Um all governing bodies of psychology, pediatrics, and duck ponds agree that you’re wrong and you should just let people marry who they love for the children’s sake”. Except that even though it sounds absurd, the first quote is actually something somebody said, for real.

    If any locals aren’t busy tomorrow (Wednesday) night at 6, you can attend the House Ways and Means Committee hearing for the bill.

  29. Btw, at the end of the video of the cute republican chick? That cheering you hear at the end is the overflow room, in which myself and a plethora of other queers and queer-lovers erupted in raucous applause.

  30. REPUBLICANS: STOP MESSING WITH MY GAY AGENDA. I HAVE CHILDREN TO RECRUIT. MORALS TO DISREGARD… AND THE VERY FIBER OF AMERICAN VALUES TO DESTROY.

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