Hey squirrel friends! This week’s Tuesday Televisionary is chock full of awesome, so let’s get right into it, shall we? But first, news!

Hey, didja hear: McSteamy has a sex tape! Grey’s Anatomy‘s Dr. McSteamy (Eric Dane) and his wife Rebecca Gayheart are in a sex tape with some former beauty queen. LOLOMGWTFBBQ.

And speaking of Grey’s, watch an awesome interview with Jessica Capshaw (one half of CALIZONA!) at E! Online. Also go watch this new Glee clip (thanks, Nicole!), a behind-the-scenes look at the making of their cover of Kanye’s “Gold Digger.” Just a few more weeks and we can watch Glee every week! And then you might as well watch this new Gossip Girl promo too. Also you can [sneakily] watch the 13th unaired Dollhouse episode, “Epitaph One,” here, in HD! Ok I’m done.

And now…

The Autostraddle TV Awards For the Week Ending August 16, 2009

Jump to:
Nurse Jackie Episode 110: Ring Finger, by Carlytron
True Blood Episode 209: I Will Rise Up, by Laneia
America’s Best Dance Crew Episode 402: Beyonce Challenge, by Intern Vashti
Weeds Episode 510: Perro Insano, by Carlytron
Hot Girl of the Week Award, by Intern Lola
Better off Ted Episode 112: Jabberwocky & 113: Secrets and Lives, by Carlytron
My Life on the D-List finale, by Intern Jess
Mad Men Episode 301: Night on the Town, by Crystal
Drop Dead Diva Episode 106: Second Chances, by Intern Lily
Toddlers & Tiaras, by Laneia
Intervention: Sebastian and Marcel, by Tinkerbell

The Glorious Downward Spiral Award: Nurse Jackie

(Episode 110: Ring Finger)

(by Carlytron)

I’m gonna just get this out of the way right now: oh. em. gee.

Great, moving on. This episode was INSANE. Nurse Jackie and O’Hara kiss and make up in a totally awesome BFF realistic way that I totally get. Then a guy drops dead in a post office from cardiac arrest, and the team is unable to revive him. Jackie does some really sweet things for the recently deceased patient that almost make you forget about how Nurse Jackie spends the rest of the episode, which involves getting mega high, having O’Hara saw off her wedding ring with like a bonesaw or something (it was stuck), giving Coop the biggest mindfuck of all time (she doesn’t freak when he grabs her boob and then KISSES HIM on the MOUTH), and finally smashing her finger with a hammer to help explain why the ring is broken. Wow. Just… wow. I have never experienced anything like this show, for real-reals. Also Zoe walks in on a post-coital Eddie and Jackie which is hiiii-larious.

And I know I’ve said this before, but to really appreciate the complexities of a show like this (and True Blood as well) you should be reading Jacob’s incredible recaps over at Television Without Pity. Here’s a particularly hilarious excerpt from the scene where Jackie talks to Coop in Eddie’s pharmacy, right at the beginning of the scene:

“There is always going to be tension between us,” Jackie says, and the truly alien geometry of what she’s about to do becomes clear. Oh, girl! I love you! That is some Xena Warrior Princess shit right there. Not to mention proof positive from the creative team that lesbians know exactly what they’re doing when they scare the shit out of you, which I’ve always wondered about.

Brilliant. Just like this show.

The Number One Feeling Award: True Blood

(Episode 209: I Will Rise Up)

(by Laneia)

“She was clumsy, stupid and mean, but i wouldn’t wish that kind of death on a possum.” -Arlene

Highlights of Episode 9, I Will Rise Up, include but are not limited to:

1. Sookie sucking Eric’s blood, inadvertently linking them together forevs and evs. This was really hilarious at first, when I hadn’t connected the dots regarding Eric’s intentions.

TANGENT: In the book, Sookie has this great dry sense of humor, with a good mix of self-deprecation and smugness. Either the writers/directors don’t give Paquin the chance to show this side of Sookie, or they do but she’s terrible at it. This scene kind of redeems her. Or, you know, maybe I’m reading too much into it.

2. Eric begging Godric to stay. I’m gonna show my cards here and tell you that I absolutely loved the relationship between Eric and Godric. Not because it had some sort of gay undertone — I don’t think it did, really — but because it was so pure and real. This scene broke my wee little heart, you guys. [“Come on, it was a little queer, right?” – Carlytron]

“Are you very scared? -Sookie

3. Jessica meeting Hoyt’s Mama! This awesome scene was set up by an equally awesome scene involving Hoyt telling Mama what a hateful, prejudiced bitch she is. He didn’t call her a bitch — I did. Later on, at Merlotte’s, Jessica tries harder than anyone should to impress and befriend Mama, which of course doesn’t work. Hoyt stands by his woman and sort of grows up right before our very eyes. Oh, hey, have I mentioned how much I love Hoyt and Jessica? [“They are still very much my number one feeling this week.” – Carlytron]

4. Jason and Sookie dealing with life, together and such. Here’s another touching moment that really touched me. I was touched. That’s what she said.

5. Anna Paquin was topless! Sookie dreamed a little dream about Eric. This took at least 20 minutes, I think. I like Eric better when he’s an a-hole.

6. WHERE’S MY CORN??! Self-explanatory.

7. Lafayette and Lettie Mae save Tara from black contact lenses/Maryann. Lafayette is so amazing! I may have said “wooo!” I definitely said, “You know what’s sad? This happens all the time. Your mama and your cousin have to come and drag you out of someone’s house, drunk, kicking and screaming. And your boyfriend gets beaten up. Happens all the fucking time, ya know?” And then Cheryl said, “Mmm hmmm. Write that down.”

“I don’t know what you is, but I’m feelin’ you, and you a soulless bitch.” -Lafayette, obvs

So what did I miss? There are only 3 episodes left!

Next: Vogue Evolution does Beyonce, Weeds, and the Hot Girl of the Week Award!

Jump to:
Nurse Jackie Episode 110: Ring Finger, by Carlytron
True Blood Episode 209: I Will Rise Up, by Laneia
America’s Best Dance Crew Episode 402: Beyonce Challenge, by Intern Vashti
Weeds Episode 510: Perro Insano, by Carlytron
Hot Girl of the Week Award, by Intern Lola
Better off Ted Episode 112: Jabberwocky & 113: Secrets and Lives, by Carlytron
My Life on the D-List finale, by Intern Jess
Mad Men Episode 301: Night on the Town, by Crystal
Drop Dead Diva Episode 106: Second Chances, by Intern Lily
Toddlers & Tiaras, by Laneia
Intervention: Sebastian and Marcel, by Tinkerbell

The Sasha Fierce Award: America’s Best Dance Crew

(Episode 402: Beyonce Challenge)

(by Intern Vashti)

I love Beyonce so by transitive property I loved this week’s challenge. Each crew got a personal video from the diva herself describing which element of the assigned music video was to be their focus.

Here’s a quick rundown of each crew’s performance:

We Are Heroes
Song: “Single Ladies”
Challenge: Strobing the sexy hip grind in the video.
As one of the all-female crews, I really want to like “We Are Heroes” — and although the judges liked them pretty much … I didn’t. I did, however, like the part where the bullets sounded and they were each forced back in succession.

+

Rhythm City
Song: Sweet Dreams
Challenge: Revamp the Charleston
I love Rhythm City. The opening with the hands behind the bed? Awesome. The hat tip to Michael Jackson’s Thriller? Awesome. The entire performance? AWESOME. I want to see this crew in the top three.

+

Massive Monkeys
Song: Work It Out
Challenge: Hula Hoop
This crew definitely got one of the dumbest challenges this week. Props are hard, sure, but also props are #boring. I’ll have serious questions for ABDC if they’re not in the bottom two next week.

+

Beat Ya Feet Kings
Song: Crazy In Love
Challenge: The Uh-Oh Dance
Last week, Beat Ya Feet Kings was in the bottom 3 because their performance was sloppy. This week they were also sloppy and though Porché did well they’re likely Bottom-Two bound.

Southern Movement
Song: Jumpin’, Jumpin’
Challenge: Bounce, shake, twist and dip
Southern Movement finally got the show going. I enjoyed their performance [especially the launch at the end]. I think Shane summed it up nicely with “yeehaw!”

+

+

Vogue Evolution
Song: Déjà vu
Challenge: African Flavaaaa
Vogue Evolution‘s performance was already covered in the Daily Fix but let me reiterate: EVERYBODY LOVES THIS CREW!! They’re so undeniably talented and they make Lil Mama talk like an old queen which is awesome. Love Leiomy! I want them to win! Team Vogue Evolution!

Artistry in Motion
Song: Diva
Challenge: Chain chain chainnnn
First off, I really like this crew. Not just because they’re an all-female group but also because they’re just plain GOOD. I don’t think they deserved to be in the bottom two at all. It’s unfortunate that they were sent home. #sadface

+

AfroBorike
Song: Beautiful Liar
Challenge: Bellydancing
Okay, this is another crew that I missed last week so I had no idea what to expect so when that girl was spun in the beginning IT BLEW MY MIND. This was hands down the best performance of the night. The whole routine oozed sex without being trashy or over the top. I want to see AfroBorike go head to head with Vogue Evolution in the top two.

The Award for the Show that is One Step Away From Being An After-school Special: Weeds (Episode 510: Perro Insano)

(by Carlytron)

Ok this episode of Weeds more than makes up for last week’s; I was worried but now I am relieved. We pick up moments after Shane got shot last week. Turns out Pilar sent the gunman (whom they mow down in the car on the way to go see Dr. Alanis) and later Nancy calls Cesar out on working with Pilar, but he acknowledges that Esteban is only happy with Nancy.

So Dr. Alanis treats Shane and then Shane completes his transformation into mini-Nancy, getting all weird about pain and drinking and yelling at everyone. It’s hilarious-slash-awful.

“All I’m saying is every time I think shit can’t get more fucked up… shit gets WAY more fucked up.” – Silas

I think that sums up this entire series nicely, yeah? Anyway, someone needs to get Shane some help, srsly.

The best part of this week’s episode was actually Ignacio, Celia’s former dealer. She goes back to him to get more “supplies” for her amazing weed/makeup pyramid scheme only to discover that he’s a Mexican wrestler named “Perry Insano.” Later he’s crying and clapping gaily at Nancy and Esteban’s wedding. Yes, that’s right, Nancy and Esteban finally tie the knot. Nancy wears this dress:

She looks like a pride parade float. Or a wedding cake. Maybe that was the point? Esteban’s name is off the ballot so Nancy convinces him to run as an independent. Then she tries to send Silas backpacking through Europe to get him out of harm’s way but he insists on staying to he can watch after Shane, who really needs watching right now, srsly. Andy gets Esteban’s name on the baby’s birth certificate as the father and says goodbye to Nancy (sniffle). He tries to ask out Dr. Alanis again, this time to see a jazz band:

Dr. Alanis: “Name one jazz musician.”
Andy: “Dr. Teeth.”
Dr. Alanis: “He’s a Muppet.”
Andy: “A jazz Muppet.”

You know how I love a good Muppet reference. Dean and Doug team up to try and thwart Celia after she kicks Dean out of her operations. Am I missing anything? Oh right, it ends with Nancy visiting Guillermo in jail and asking him to kill Pilar. BAM. Next week: Celia’s a lesbian, and other crazy things happen!

The Hot Girl of the Week Award

(by Intern Lola)

Beth Riesgraf hasn’t played many big roles. Until last year, I only knew her as the mother of Jason Lee’s son Pilot Inspektor. I’m now able to overlook her terrible taste in names (just barely) because she steals every scene in TNT’s Leverage. Now airing its second season, Leverage requires that you suspend disbelief and have fun watching a team of ex-criminals bring justice to the world. What really makes the show is its lovable characters, my favorite being Beth Riesgraf’s Parker – a risk-taking thief with an unknown first name and lack of decorum. The show keeps hinting at a burgeoning romance between Parker and the team’s computer guy, Hardison, which feels iffy to me. But Parker has also found herself in a few suggestive situations with Sophie, the sexy grifter of the team. Whichever way she swings, Parker’s social ineptitude is hilarious and she looks badass in a leather jacket. That’s more than enough to make her our Hot Girl of the Week.

Next: The Better Off Ted and My Life on the D-List finales and the return of Mad Men!

The Funniest Thing I Saw All Week Award: Better Off Ted

(Episode 112: Jabberwocky and 113: Secrets and Lives)

(by Carlytron)

This week we were treated to not one but TWO episodes of Better Off Ted, and they did not disappoint. In the first installment, Ted lies to Linda about Veridian’s green initiatives and lets her create a top secret roof garden. Ted’s sneakiness leads him to then trick the entire company into believing that Ted’s putting a ton of money into some project called Jabberwocky, which he made up. Veronica plans for them to present Jabberwocky to the company, so Ted has to come clean… and then they have to do the presentation, which was the greatest thing ever:

I know, right? Ok so then at the end of the first episode Ted and Linda are tooootally about to kiss up in her dreamy roof garden but they’re interrupted by my favorite nerds (since Buffy, at least), Lem and Phil. But that sets us up nicely for our second installment, which is also the season finale (sad face). So remember before the show premiered, like months ago, and Portia was on every talk show promoting it, including Ellen’s? Did anyone see the clip they showed on one of the shows where Veronica was a magician’s assistant? Yeah, so we waited all season for this moment:

Seriously? I love this show. Using some fancy search engine technology the team at Veridian finds out about Veronica’s secret life as an assistant to Mordor the Unforgiving, a magician in Vegas. Veronica is in love with him and flies to Vegas every weekend to be in his show. But once her secret is out in the open she quits! Mordor is sad and after some convincing from Ted, she goes back to him in the end. In other news, Linda decides to move in with her boyfriend and in order to get her mind off of Ted she gets her friend to go on a date with him. Naturally, everything starts falling apart: Ted’s daughter Rose tells Ted to date Linda, Linda’s friend calls her out on her Ted obsession, and Linda finally breaks up with her boyfriend. Then Ted shows up with flowers! And she’s got hearts for eyes! And he tells her he’s ready to date! And… he asks to see her friend again. Oh, brother.

I’m happy this was already renewed for a second season, though the finale did seem to end in a way that makes me think that they shot it before they knew if it was definitely renewed or not. Had it not been renewed, it seemed wrapped-up enough to be somewhat satisfying (though we’d be left wondering if Ted and Linda ever get together), but since we know it’s renewed we are excited and hoping to see more of Mordor when the show returns.

The Talk Show as Reality Show as Sitcom Award: My Life on the D-List (Finale!)

(by Intern Jess)

Season finale time! Kathy Griffin is getting a star on the Hollywood Palm Springs Walk of Fame. Suzanne Somers (come on knock on my door) invites Team Griffin over for a dinner party in Kathy’s honor, though threatens punishment if Kathy brings her diet coke. In the end Suzanne surprises Kathy at the actual star ceremony and even gets Barry Manilow to show up. This was probably the best season of D-List and I’ve realized it’s no longer a reality show. It has somehow morphed into probs the most entertaining talk show of all time (OK, aside from Rosie on The View) [“And Chelsea Lately, natch.” – Carlytron].

“I’m not even going to support the Walk of Fame anymore. First of all, I’m gonna go piss on it. I’m gonna go to somebody’s star, probably Seacrest, and I’m gonna go have my period on it. And it’s gonna be a heavy flow day! Yeah. By the way, it’s probably comments like that that got me rejected.” – Kathy, on finding out she was rejected from the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The Most Tortured Man on TV Award: Mad Men (Episode 301: Out of Town)

(by Crystal)
Mad Men premiered this week and it seems not much has changed at Sterling Cooper over the break, the place is still brimming with undesirable personalities that I love to hate. Joan’s still the queen bee, Roger Sterling is still a silver fox and Pete Campbell is still an obnoxious twat.

Don Draper is still the most tortured man on TV. Don’s wife Betty is pregnant and it’s been giving Don some disturbing Whitman family flashbacks to his happy childhood. They reflect on their family, with Betty sneering that their daughter Sally needs start acting proper because “[She’s] taken to your tools like a little lesbian.”

Over on Madison Avenue, Pete and Ken are both promoted to Head of Accounts. Neither boys realise they’ll be sharing the job title, which amps up the level of smug in the episode to 11. And on a plane to Baltimore, Don and Salvatore chat up a stewardess who invites them out for dinner and a “hoot and a half.” Don tells her “I keep going a lot of places and ending up somewhere I’ve already been” likely referring to every bedroom in NY. Don casually mentions it’s his birthday and the stewardess disrobes.

Meanwhile in Salvatore the closeted homosexual art director’s hotel room, a bellhop arrives to assist with the AC but it turns out he’d rather assist with Sal’s belt buckle. That’s when the hotel fire alarm goes off, robbing Sal of his first ever man on man experience. Don finds out. The next day during a client pitch, Sal expresses himself via some Balzac [“our worst fears lie in anticipation.”] Don volleys back – also in the context of work – using “limit your exposure” as a message to Sal that he should stay in the closet. The last half of this episode was extremely well written, I think this is going to be an amazing season.

Next: Drop Dead Diva, Toddlers and Tiaras, and Tinkerbell’s Number One Feeling: Intervention

The Best Guest Stars Every Single Week Award: Drop Dead Diva (Episode 106: Second Chances)

(by Intern Lily)

On this week’s episode of Drop Dead Diva, Jane has to yet again deal with a case that magically mirrors her own life. The ridiculously sexy Jorja Fox guest stars as Jane’s client, Marianne Neely, who is convicted with murder. Twenty years ago she unknowingly drove a getaway car for her boyfriend who, in a panic, shot and killed a man in a convenient store. She since changed her identity to run from the law and now as a nurse, volunteer, and incredibly good citizen, the law has finally caught up with her as she faces life in prison. She hid her past life from her husband and children just as Jane is hiding her past life as Deb from Grayson. Meanwhile, Jane’s assistant Terri provides comic relief (as only Margaret Cho can do) by playing the “scorned assistant” card after another woman comes looking for a job as Jane’s assistant. Terri thinks that Jane is trying to replace her when really it is Jane’s boss who doesn’t approve of Terri and who set up the interview to replace her. In the end everything works out—Marianne receives a sentence of community service, Terri keeps her job, and even Jane’s best friend Stacy and guardian angel Fred finally go on a date. Maybe next week Jane will finally tell Grayson the truth.

The Highly Sexualized Youngsters Award: Toddlers & Tiaras

(by Laneia)

It’s hard to talk about this show without accidentally making fun of little girls and/or their families, and I’m not here to make fun of anyone. I would, however, like to point out a few things I noticed that you may or may not find interesting. First of all, Morghan [7 yrs, Utah *cough*] seemed to be the most sexualized young lady of the three. Also of note is the fact that her mother acted as sole choreographer of a dance routine that was only missing a pole. Victoria [6 yrs] is a black girl whose mother spray-tanned her. In her defense, Victoria was fierce. It seemed like she was approaching the pageant from the standpoint of an entertainer? And not, um, a stripper? I’m ending my statement sentences with question marks! I am clearly frazzled! But wait — strippers are also entertainers and sex/sex appeal is part of practically everything we do! Which’s fine, I guess? But maybe it’s not? I mean, when you’re seven years old maybe it’s not fine?! Aaah feelings/questions!

Watch clips of Toddlers & Tiaras Season 2 on TLC.com

I liked the sense of mother/daughter bonding coming from Elexis [7 yrs] and her mom. It really felt like they enjoyed this, as a unit. It was nice. The unique spelling and pronunciation of Elexis’s name forced us, almost Tourette’s style, to repeat her name several times after it had been spoken on the teevee. Eeelexis! I challenge you to not say it! Right now, in your cubicle! Eeelexis!

In closing I’d just like to say that I’m so so glad I don’t have a daughter.

The Tinkerbell Award for Excellence in Television Programming: Intervention

(by Tinkerbell)

hello autostraddle this is tinkerbell and tonight on Intervention we saw what happens to people who do heroin, like the Brothers of Sebastian & Marcel. They talk with their eyes barely open and they do depressing things to friends & family. Then they go to treatment in Utah and then they relapse.

They have done the heroin for 2.5 years which involves lighting tin foil on fire. I Tinkerbell use tin foil to wrap presents for my boifriend littlefoot. They say it’s the greatest high they’ve ever felt but when they are high they do not look like the greatest. Examples of people who do look the greatest actually include Rocky, Mr. T or Kelly Clarkson, who is gay not gay.

They wear ski caps the whole time. Once Sebastian was good at soccer and had lots of chicks, but no chickens, and he was only 14. He says about his Dad, “I saw how that like hurt him and stuff and so I was like, whatever.” Then he went to rehab and then came back and was clean for a little bit until then Marcel made them have drugs. Now they are drug dealers making $1,000 a day but doing $600 a day of heroin, which means at least there are no backalley blow jobs happening which I would have to close my eyes for.

And then Sesbastian tells his mother to “go in your corner and just do whatever.” At the intervention they both agree to go but then at the end it says they both drop out and are now “doing Xanax,” which is not heroin I would like to add.

The moral of the story is that if you have a brother, you should kill him before he tries to kill you. Thank you Autostraddle love Tinkerbell.

I once again ran out of time so my extremely exciting discussions on Summer Heights High and Party Down will have to wait. Also coming soon: Carlytron’s Awards for New Fall Shows!

‘Tron out!

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