Welcome to the second episode of Lost Girl! Last time we discovered that Lauren has awful hair, Kenzi can cut a rug and Bo napped through filming. Everyone’s memory comes back and they realize they’re just a hodge podge of supporting actors completely lost without their Bo! So they decide to string together a handful of pointless storylines that barely move along the plot as a coping mechanism!

Trick? Well he’s hanging out in a stairwell with a blood-smeared photo of his granddaughter. Completely normal.

Dyson’s on the Fifth Stage of Supporting Actor Grief which revolves around searching for Tamsin again and again. You’d think after a month of failing, he’d just pick up a new hobby like Catch or Fetch.

A nearby bush rustles. Do you think it’s one of the strong female leads that went missing last season?

Nope, just a little blonde girl with a full set of adult teeth. Based on the fact that people don’t grow on trees and child actors are expensive, I’m willing to bet that this is Tamsin reincarnated and not just an extra playing hide and seek.

Wait a sec, does that mean we have to say goodbye to Rachel Skarsten for thirty years? Ugh! That is so not cool!

Kenzi’s setting up Bo’s shrine bedroom as she attempts to lure her home. Champagne, candy, chocolate and angel quality Victoria’s Secret runway models? If Bo’s still MIA I’m totally applying to live with Kenzi. Also, Bo likes chocolate lube? Gag me with a spoon.

As it turns out, this whole Bo-mecoming is a bit premature. Wolfie Debbie Downers the situation by reminding Kenzi that Bo’s missing, no one knows how to find her and Santa isn’t real.

Sigh. If he were a real friend, he’d know that the only cure for the broken heart caused by your “roomie” leaving involves a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream, a mickey of whiskey and at least three boxes of Kleenex! But instead, he brought a kid!

I am by no means a pro when it comes to sitting on babies, but I’m gonna guess you’re not supposed to bring home strays on the off chance that they’re the pint-sized reincarnation of your former partner. And I’m pretty sure waiting until she throws a knife at the wall isn’t a Mary Poppins-approved test for Valkyrie rebirth.

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The Other Red-Headed Lesbian Doctor is at a pay phone, but Dyson isn’t interesting in picking up. Maybe it’s because she’s still sporting that tragic haircut and god awful shirts. Or maybe it’s because she walked away when FUCKING Betty touched her boob! DUDE, YOU ARE SO FIRED!

Really now, how do you not respond to that? I’m pretty damn sure Second Base 101 is the first class you take in pre-med! Ugh. Might as well check on the rest of the characters since this scene’s going nowhere.

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Wolfie and Kenzi call up the only character that’s had any experience raising children. But then again, Trick’s daughter was driven insane after he let her get kidnapped, tortured and raped for a century, so maybe Trick isn’t the best person to talk to when it involves children with abandonment issues.

Even though Dyson caught Tamsin undersized, Trick says they don’t have to throw her back! See, Tamsin was the last person that saw Bo and she mentioned Bo’s father, so the little twerp might be useful for finding her! But that whole dying and being resurrected thing tends to fuck with your memory so she’s still fucking useless.

Dyson volunteers Hale and himself to play Hardy Boys and The Lost Lost Girl while Kenzi’s stuck enacting Nancy Drew and the Case of the Bored Babysitter.

While they’re quibbling, Trick uses last episode’s compass to discover that Bo’s stuck in a different dimension! How the fuck do you find that out with a compass?

Let’s quickly cut to Bo waking up on a train to prove that Trick was right and I’m just overly critical.

Okay fine, I’ll keep listening to Trick.

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Vex is at sub-par salon dungeon getting his chest waxed. The Una Mens realized that Vex was a Liar Liar Vinyl Pants on Fire and that the old Morrigan’s still alive! They want to rip off his face to add it to their Collection of Extinct Things which I’m totally okay with because this is the interrogator!

Instead of politely offering up his skin and letting me get through this recap, Vex suggests Bo’s instead. The dungeon master knows a good trade when she hears it, so she seals the deal by force-feeding Vex a piece of her ear. Again, I’m completely fine with throwing Vex under the bus if there are some BoDSM scenes in the future.

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The Hardy Boys make a pit stop at a salon to start a super pointless Scooby-esque treasure hunt the most enthralling half hour of your life. To find Bo they need to get to this other dimension! To get to this other dimension they need a tracker chaperone! To find this tracker they need to harass his ex-girlfriend because Eddie stopped updating his Instagram so the last info Trick had on him was a Hudson-filtered 13th century selfie!

Dyson’s off to get some highlights while Hale starts rifling through the drawers. But look who shows up?

Schecter’s back —who at this point, I should probably introduce as Cleo — after stealing Seinfeld’s puffy shirt. She overheard that the boys are searching for Eddie and names Astrid as a potential source while scrawling some Hindi on his palm. But before he can question her motives or why the fuck she knows Hindi she’s gone!

Hale stupidly takes Jenny’s advice and has Astrid read his palm. Looks like she wrote out an order for a Wiped Memory with a Side of Fries and a Diet Coke. But rather than heeding the request, she translates it. Worst snitch ever.

For someone that claims, “I don’t talk, I cannot talk” Astrid still manages to run her non-mouth. She hasn’t forgiven the salon since they fucked up her hair, so she arms Dyson with a kiss and anoints Hale with some cologne to sabotage the place. Part of me wants to be like, THIS BITCH IS CRAZY, but the rest of me remembers crying for two days straight after The Soccer Momcut Fiasco of 2009. So fine, I’m on her side.

The boys return just in time for Sexy Staff Salon Sweeping! Quick ladies, unbutton your blouses and hike up those hemlines, these piles of hair aren’t going to clean themselves!

Even though all parties involved seem quite taken with each other, Schecter turns the staff on the Hardy Boys. What started off as a softcore lesbian romp quickly morphed into a slasher flick, complete with vag-shredding talons.

But then Hale’s magical cologne makes everything better. The Army of Vagina Shredders retract their claws, my Kegels can actually relax and Dyson gets back to sleuthing for Eddie.

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Kenzi’s been babysitting the entire time which is about as interesting to watch as actual babysitting. Blablabla babies. Blablabla sitting. Tamsin reaffirms my vow to never invite children into my home by flushing Kenzi’s stash of Magic Glitter Crotch Cream.

How she manages to not clock the kid is beyond me, but Kenzi calms the precious asshole down, leading to a question that really matters.

TAMTAM: So if you and Bo live together, does that mean you love each other?

KENZI: Totally, but strictly BFFs.

TAMTAM: What’s BFF?

KENZI: Bitches Finger Fucking.

(Or at least, that’s what she meant to say.)

TamTam continues rifling through all of Kenzi’s things somehow missing the vodka, thongs and machetes and comes across The Wanderer card instead. To teach the brat a lesson on respecting people’s privacy, the card goes up in flames! Third degree burns! That’ll show her!

Kenzi recognizes one of the figures on the PIECE OF FLAMING PAPER and TamTam comes to the logical conclusion that Bo’s stuck in the card. If this were any other show, the kid would be laughed at for saying something so dumb before being sent to the back of the class with a cone on her head, but this is Lost Girl so, uh, she’s right?

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“Amber” gets her panties in a knot over a newspaper mugshot that vaguely resembles Bo and completely misses her audition for Do You Want Fries With That: The Tender Story of Two Waitresses Fucking in a Diner.

I can’t tell if Crystal’s really smitten or really dumb, since she’s excusing Lauren’s alias and god awful hair.

There’s a 90% chance Lauren’ll be fired the next day for being a terrible waitress so Crystal asks her drinks, now with less sexual harassment claims!

If this were on Showtime, Lauren would already have jumped Crystal and dragged her into the booth and MacGyvered restraints out of their work shirts. But no, introverted stick-in-the-mud Lauren just says no.

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Wolfie stumbles upon Selene’s Secret Love Nest and look, it’s a sleeping dude! Best. Orgy. Ever.

Selene has her ex Eddie under her spell – don’t they all – and she’s not willing to wake up him. Nope, not gonna wake him up at all, she won’t do it unless she’s forced! But if Dyson wants to force it, then she’s like totally into it.

They start to negotiate a bondage scene which I would watch foreverty ever if it involved any other character besides Dyson. But before the leather comes out, Selene reveals that Sleeping Beasty just needs a kiss, so Dyson uses Astrid’s magic to force her to pucker up which is super non consensual.

And then bucko wakes up and punches Selene in the face which is super SUPER non consensual. Blegh.

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In case you can’t keep track of all the plotlines, Bo’s still on that train.

I guess sleeping for one hundred years makes you lonely for gossip, so Eddie dismisses Operation Rescue Bo to grill two perfect strangers on what makes their hearts and pants tick.

Kenzi interrupts A Very Special Bonding Session by texting Dyson a photo of the Wanderer card, to which Eddie replies that they’re in deep shit.

You’d think he’d be disoriented by all of the indoor fire and magical talking picture boxes, but nope! Apparently Eddie’s just the most well-adjusted time traveler and his biggest concerns are the mating habits of wolves. Hale has a thing for Kenzi, Dyson has a thing for Bo and Eddie has thing for outdated buzzwords. Trollops! Mead! Turkish Baths! 3 1/2″ Floppy Disks!

Dyson and Eddie convince Hale to bombard Kenzi with love poems, but I’d also be “convinced” if it gave me an excuse to walk away from Bro Feelinganza 2014.

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Ever Oblivious Lauren tries to unpack her feelings with Crystal, but seems to forget that Intense Feeling Dumps are off limits once you turn down sexy times.

While Lauren continues ignoring Crystal’s growing sexual frustration, a sleazeball customer starts choking on his own meat. Rather than let the ogler parish, Amber morphs into Super Doctor and tries to do that whole “saving a life” thing.

She starts with the Heimlich, but quickly switches to a make-shift scalpel.

WHO THE FUCK SWITCHES FROM THE HEIMLICH STRAIGHT TO A TRACHEOTOMY? THIS IS LOST GIRL, NOT HOUSE! WAIT, DO YOU THINK THIRTEEN’S GOING TO SHOW UP FOR A CONSULT? I WOULD BE MORE OKAY WITH THAT THAN THIS.

Oh right, she’s not just the Lesbian Doctor but the Fae Lesbian Doctor, so of course she could tell that his throat was being blocked by a demon instead of some demonic diner liver. This biopsy would be background noise to any other episode, but now she’s hanging out with normal people. Normal people with short shorts and camera phones that aren’t exactly well versed in demons and will probably leak it to TMZ.

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Now that they’ve got the feels out of the way, Dyson wants to know how they’re going to get to this other fucking dimension already because they’re been walking all day and he’s getting grungry. Eddie explains they’re looking for something “off” to represent a “dimensional shift” that’ll serve as a “portal” to move along this “plotline.”

I’m not really sure what’s considered fucked up when you’re being led around by a Rip Van Winkle with a linen suit and a tentative grasp of the modern English language.

Apparently it’s a hot dog cart? Or uh two, out of sync dudes selling hot dogs? PFFT, AS IF GETTING A PERMIT TO SELL HOT DOGS ON ABANDONED TRAIN TRACKS WASN’T WEIRD ENOUGH.

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Eddie’s seminar on olde timey romance inspires Hale to profess his love for Kenz but all she can hear is Bo Bo Bo Boob Bo.

But his cologne succeeds where his flowers failed and all of a sudden it’s Dry Hump Season at Wichita Falls Summer Camp all over again!

It’s also Attack of the Puberty in the rest of the house and TamTam cries bloody murder as it mows her down. Even though less than a day has passed, the Plight of Ingrown Hairs, Pimply Faces and Lopsided Boobs has claimed our poor babe.

TAMTAM: I feel super bizzaro.

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Ye Olde Eddie and Wolfie come across a juke box/dimensional portal/random piece of garbage and Eddie’s as confused by it as I am.

But luckily – I never thought I’d get to say this — Jenny’s been stalking them! Schecter stole Eddie’s tracker gigs while he was asleep, so she’s running the latest version of Being a Tracker while Eddie’s still stuck on a 1994 beta trial.

She uses all of her Super Special Elemental with a Twist Powers to download the latest update for him. And by update I mean she leads him into the path of a high speed train.

You’d think murder would be a sign that you shouldn’t trust someone, but meh, Dyson was never that great of a detective anyways. They head by Chez Kenzi to pick up the train ticket that Bo’s daddy generously mailed.

Kenzi’s still uneasy that this brunette doppleganger keeps offering to save the day, but Dyson’s running out of women that’ll talk to him so he brushes off her concerns.

CLEO: Oh man this worked.

That’s reassuring! Now that their seats are booked, Dyson finally takes Lauren’s call. You can’t really blame a guy for avoiding his ex’s ex.

Lauren’s bored batting off the hot blonde’s advances and just wants to go home to her cold, empty bed. Dyson says tough beans, as he’s squirreled her away in buttfuck nowhere for a reason. She’s whining that she’ll be discovered anyways because of Crystal’s video, but Wolfie’s paws are tied and she just needs to deal with it by herself.

Surprise, surprise! Jenny’s making a secret call on that handy dandy E-cig she’s been toting.

If you thought that Schecter had seen the error of her evil ways, you should give yourself a smack. Jenny’s on Vex’s payroll, and now that he’s made a deal with the dungeon master, she’ll need to collect the SuccuBounty.

Now that everyone’s used up their long distance minutes, Dyson and Jenny switch their phones to Intergalactic Travel Mode to save on roaming charges and get read to board.

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Back at the diner, Lauren and Crystal share a bottle of booze and a booth after a hard day Waitressing and Suppressing Their Urges. Lauren attempts to break into Crystal’s phone when she’s in the bathroom emptying herself of tequila, but completely forgets that she has a degree in medicine and not Being a Badass.

She’s obviously caught, so Lauren tries the direct approach and begs Crystal to delete the alien video. And uh, Crystal agrees? She’s oddly trusting of the woman that cut open a dude’s neck, but hey, crushes make you do weird things.

Apparently internet privacy’s a strong aphrodisiac so Lauren fesses up to her real name and goes to 1/2nd base with Crystal.

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Oh and in case you’re wondering, yes, Bo’s still on that train.

But now that Dyson and Schecter have boarded it’s a bit too crowded on this Death Train, so she jumps off the train. We’ll see if she wins this game of Hide and Bo Seek in 403.

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