Welcome to the first episode of the fourth season of Lost Girl, that show about boobs, the supernatural and supernatural boobs. Bo’s been trying to find her place in Fae world this entire series and last season finally saw her level up to Real Legit Fae as she completed her Dawning!

But puberty and rites of passage are messy, emotional affairs —  especially when you’re a giant queermo —  so our succubus left a therapist’s waiting room’s worth of fucked up ladies in her wake. Ever-loyal Lauren called off their torrid love affair after being stood up one too many times and never getting to top. Tamsin drove herself and Dyson off a cliff, which we’re supposed to believe was a selfless way to protect Bo from her father, but you can’t ignore all of that underlying sexual tension. Meanwhile,  Kenzi’s still sticking to her story of “just roomies!” So is it really any wonder that Bo got sucked up in a vortex of black smoke and daddy issues?

No Lost Girl opener would be complete without someone skulking around in the dark and this time Kenzi drew that straw. She casually drops out from a truck’s undercarriage and crouches behind some unspecific, yet strategically placed boxes. Following Bo’s disappearance in the last ep, I’m crossing my fingers that the smugglers aren’t shipping Bo parts.

I always get lost at costco

Before Kenzi can open the box, the Shady Warehouse Welcome Wagon arrives.

It’s okay, I had the same reaction the first time I watched the video for “Bound 2”

Instead of normal pleasantries like handshakes or that French double-kiss thing, Mr. Breath of a Yeti’s Anus grabs Kenzi and offers her a position as his pet and/or wallpaper. How charming! The Hardy boys show up just in time to prevent Hal Itosis from going Ed Gein on her ass. They escort Kenzi out, but not before she throws some Pop Rocks and glitter to prove she’s fae and committed to Sparkle Motion.

Just imagine what these hands can do inside a vagina

As they leave, Hale confides in Dyson how much he loves Kenz, so obviously Wolfie should be the one to volunteer to take Tinkerbell home. He sniffs around – including a not-at-all sinister box – ’cause he’s a wolf and that’s what wolves do, they sniff things.

Smells like fresh box

Back in Kenzi’s dimly lit erratically-organized homestead, Kenzi and Dyson get to the more pressing matters at hand, like laundry and innuendo.

Fuck I love smoking invisible cigarettes

DYSON: Just you, me and the uh, thongs, huh? A whole lot of thongs by the way.
KENZI: Well I’ll have you know these are all business thongs.
DYSON: I don’t even wanna know what that means.

Really? Because I do! Are they a matched set with a briefcase and a laptop charger? Are they like an “on the road” business thong with a holster for your gun? Or are they more like business casual kind of thongs and just made out of chinos or some other fabric that will neither wrinkle or stain?

Tee hee. Smells like panties.

Apparently that was all the foreplay these faes with benefits need, so they start sucking face. Complete with, ugh, slurps.

Ew. It’s like watching siblings kiss

Instead of Kenzi putting a stop to this plot line travesty, Wolfie’s the one to pull away first. You see, Dyson conveniently forgot about Hale’s crush until he was licking Kenzi’s tonsils, even though his supposed bestie CONFESSED HALF A SCENE AGO. Rather than continue their descent into uncomfortable rom-com territory – complete with two and a half love triangles – there’s a knock at the door. Oh good, the Plot Device Delivery Person’s here!

Who’s at the door?

While I’m normally greeted at my door by a Jehovah’s Witness or an elderly neighbour advocating for the feral cats in my back alley, Kenzi lucks out with a veiled brunette. She’s seeking our sleuth’s services and introduces herself as Aife even though Kenzi already knows who this bitch is.

I’ll help you spread your “beliefs”

Um, or not? Kenzi recognizes Aife as the Fae that assassinated the former Ash, but glosses over the whole BFF’s Mother/Attempted Murderer/WHOOOOO LET’S DO EIGHT ROUNDS OF SHOTS AND GO DANCING ALL NIGHT UNTIL THE CLUB KICKS US OUT SO WE’RE FORCED TO GET GREASY SLICES AT THE SKETCHY PIZZA PLACE AROUND THE CORNER BEFORE WE PASS OUT SPOONING thing.

Aife caresses Kenzi’s private square and before she can retort, “STOP, don’t touch me there!” she melts into a puddle ready to do Aife’s bidding.  She lays out her problem: she has a daughter Bo and said daughter is missing. Kenzi somehow misses the name drop, which is more confusing and heartbreaking than the makeout sesh.

If you didn’t bring my thin mints, stop wasting my fucking time.

The trio moves the conversation to a diner, since Kenzi isn’t actually feeling the case and all good private investigations start with a stale cup of coffee. Could it be because no one has heard of her daughter? Or because no one has seen this Bo before? Or is it because Aife won’t fucking stop segueing to her sex life between sips of coffee?

No ma’am. I just wanted sugar, not the deets on your vajazzercise routine.

Aife offers up photographic proof, which thankfully doesn’t involve any gynaecological diagrams.

what do you think? I like the square lenses but I’m also considering going for an aviator style.

DYSON: This woman is beautiful.
KENZI: Yeah, if you’re into like faces and bodies, whatever.

Although Dyson’s totally smitten for this piece of paper, Kenzi declines. MILFae isn’t familiar with No Means No and YES! Means Yes because SURPRISE, she has a trump card! She melodramatically lowers her eyelid revealing…

I have a moist secret for you

…a stye?! If this is the big fucking mystery the case’ll be wrapped up in a few days with a warm compress and a new tube of mascara. But Dyson explains that the dot’s actually a “Requardo coil” which means someone’s fucking with Aife’s memory and not her cosmetics.

Seriously I swear there’s an eyelash in there, you don’t see it? My eyes’s been itching all day.

When Aife offers cold hard cash, Kenzi finally submits. Just as everyone’s getting cozy, Dyson’s alarm goes off signalling Time to Look for Tamsin O’Clock! He keeps futilely searching, even though she hasn’t bothered calling him since last month’s attempted murder-suicide. Dude, she drove you off a cliff! Get the message! She just isn’t that into you!

If driving someone off a cliff isn’t friendzoning, I don’t know what is.

Aife then settles up her bill with a flick of her finger ’cause it’s Fleet Week. That means she’s gonna go eat a bunch of sailors, I think.

Thanks for covering, I blew my rent at MAC and Hot topic.

Kenzi then hits up Trick, who’s chilling at the Dal playing with his miniatures. Trick says something’s off in Fae Land and he blames the Una Mens, the new council of creeps to which Anus Yeti belongs, who he claims are trying to “reset order” by kidnapping, trafficking, torturing and inspiring alcohol-induced crack benders.

Remember those days where we were content to play with Legos?

Trick offers up a suspect for Inspector Kenzi: Dr. Snook, a fish Fae optometrist with a 4.5 star Yelp review for memory wipes. Kenzi thanks him for the tip but accidentally calls him “Gramps,” which foreshadows a scene you can totally guess is coming WILL NEVER GUESS BECAUSE THE WRITING IS SO GOOD THAT THE REST OF YOUR SEAT MISSES YOUR ASS BECAUSE YOU’RE ALWAYS AT THE EDGE!

If you’re willing to drive a bit further I have a Groupon deal

Before she gets her prescription for danger and medicated eyedrops filled, Kenzi’s finally asking a question we’re all dying to hear the answer to: WHERE THE FUCK IS THE LESBIAN DOCTOR? Turns out she’s on the lam after losing the love of her life Nadia and fucking with the Ash, which means she’s probs hidden somewhere in the friendly Canadian wilderness making lanyards at Eh-Camp. The focus on Nadia and complete omission of doccubus further suggests that Aife’s not the only one missing a giant chunk of her memory.

No one would forget this

Kenzi and the Wolf force their way into the optometrist’s clinic and discover Snook doing the oh-so-noble deed of wiping a Real Housewife of Fae County’s mind of her husband’s affairs. Were you expecting him to be curing kids or nightmares or PTSD? Can you really set your expectations so high for a dude that refers to himself in the third person? Of course not.

For an extra $100 I’ll make her wake up as a pony!

Snook admits that Snook only deserves a three star Yelp rating since Snook has no power over humans. Which means that someone else is to blame for Kenzi (SURPRISE!) and Dyson (SURPRISE SURPRISE!)’s wiped memories!!1!ONE1!!

I keep telling you kids that tightlining your eyes isn’t a good idea no matter how good it looks

Rather than embracing the Fae-neisa that’d grant them the ability to listen to an entire Metric album without being overcome by heartbreak, these fools insist on getting their memories back. Trick knows the oh-so-obvious solution to their problem. Their eye doodads are connected to a certain compass gizmo, so all they gotta do is find it, break it and they’ll be back to curling up in the fetal position at the bottom of their shower with their painful memories in no time!

Well I guess I can never delete Evernote now

This particular gadget was lost in a shipwreck, so it’s either part of Ariel’s Thingamabob Collection or in the hands of Anglerum, the Fae collector. Even though Lost Girl: The Underwater Bikini Musical would probably win them an Emmy, Trick suggests the boring option.

And after this we can go watch paint dry

Anglerum isn’t the antisocial hermit that Hoarders has led me to believe, so of course he’s hosting a party right when the Scooby Gang needs him. Kenzi puts Dyson in charge of grabbing tickets, meaning she’s in charge of robbing Trick blind.

You can have your trinkets back, but I’m keeping the arm warmers.

As Trick teaches Kenzi that no, pickpocketing is not part of any courtship ritual, he convulses upon discovering Bo’s photo hidden in Kenzi’s purse. Here’s a hint, either bad shit is going to go down or craft services mislabeled the decaf pot again.

Nah, I think she should get some wayfarers

Ticketmaster’s out of stock so Dyson hits up Vex, the new leader of the dark Fae. You know what’s easier than coughing up $13 in service charges? Setting aside your policeman morals and blackmailing Vex out of his tickets because you know he’s keeping the real Morrigan alive somewhere.

When I die or am trapped in a cage for eternity, I would like a 6′ sultry headshot.

You’d think the leader of the dark side could afford a dragon or a moat or A Really Vicious Ferret, to protect him from situations like this, but I guess he blew all of his money on MJ memorabilia.

Saturday night’s plans are off. You don’t need to hem my evening gown anymore

Hey man, Can you grab me an appletini

Kenzi’s at her place trying to figure out which outfit hoarders prefer. Taffeta or silk? Sparkles or spangles? Frontless or backless? She calls up Lauren for some moral support and fashion advice, but if you’ve seen the way the Lesbian Doc dresses, she might as well be calling up Jessie Spano.

Teen Crisis Hotline, Kenzi speaking

Mossimmo interrupts Another Gay Lady Doc’s Queer Outfit of the Week with a crossbow and a fancy jar.

At this rate, I’m never going to open a knock on the door again. Nope, not even for trick or treaters

SURPRISE, Kenzi’s finally figured out how to get rid of that human stank and blend in with the fae! But now she’s addicted to Mossimmo’s Sprite Genital Extract which is both expensive and embarrassing.

Kids, this is why you should get a good education and stay away from drugs, gambling and men in rumpled polyester suits

Cut ahead to the soiree and I’ve momentarily forgotten that Bo hasn’t even appeared in this episode.

I’m having that dilemma where I can’t tell if I want to be her or fuck her.

When Dyson and Hale were reading out all of the plot points, they forgot to mention that they’re relying on Kenzi’s wit charm fierce loyalty T&A to win Anglerum’s eye and the compass. Being a lady detective is demeaning fun! But just like we were promised, Jenny Schecter shows up to round out the number of brunettes in spangly dresses.

Wanna go home and take Sounder to the groomer for me?

In classic Jenny fashion, she demands a drink from Dyson. She introduces herself as a nymph, a fae born of the water, which explains the season six pool incident. But before any dogs can be put down, Kenzi drags Dyson and Hale out for a tango.

Geneva probably had to watch this scene ten times to make this gif. #Sorrynotsorry

She obviously receives a red rose and immunity and an extra lifeline. At the Big Reveal, Anglerum turns out to be none other than Sssssserpent George Takei!

Did anyone sssssssee that coming? Probably sincehis headshots were all over the ballroom, but I was incredibly distracted so sue me.

Wearing little more than electrical tape abs and a studded codpiece, Vex crashes the still ongoing party. Wolfie initially resists Vex’s request for seven minutes in heaven, but once the mesmer makes a guest snap her own neck and the rest of the party scatter, he’s like, “Eh, why the fuck not?”

‘Yonce filling out this skirt! I look damn good, I ain’t lost it! And I ain’t missed a beat!

At this point, Jenny bids adieu with all of her clothes on. Fucking Schecter.

Sorry, I have to go frame my friends for murder.

Ssssulu’s hearing out Kenzi’s request, but instead of haggling for UNLIMITED WISHES like they teach you in kindergarten, Kenzi just asks for that friggin compass. Ssssssulu’s befuddled why someone would make such a goddamn stupid request. Oh right, because she’s a goddamn stupid human.

Why didn’t you asssssssk me another wish or Beauregard? PLEBIAN!

Kenzi snatches the compass and attempts to flee on her stupid human legs, but Ssssulu would rather unhinge his jaw and eat her whole.

Out on the dance floor, Dyson and Vex have a bro-to-bro and Wolfie realizes that Morrigan 2.0’s memory is also wiped. But unlike the rest of the crew, Vex figured out the whole mind game a long time ago and used it to become the dark fae leader! Now that he’s put on his Fancy Vinyl Big Boy Pants, neither Kenzi, nor Dyson, nor Hale, nor those meddling kids are gonna take it away!

Oh god Dyson. I had way too many appletinis

He mesmerizes Hale and Dyson into a loving embrace, assuming that all of their repressed urges will distract them long enough for him to kill Kenzi. But apparently Dyson just isn’t that into Hale, so they channel their platonic bromance power against Vex.

HALE I CHOOSE YOU! EVANESCENCE ATTACK!

While the battle between the light and dark fae devolves into a game of hocking mind loogies versus stop hitting yourself, Kenzi and Ssssulu play a rousing game of hide and seek.

Duh, Ssssulu can beam, of course you can’t get away from him!

Dyson shows up just in time to protect Kenzi from Ssssulu’s fanged tail. He picks up a battle axe and whips it at Anglerum’s booty. Surprisingly this flesh wound is enough to takei him down.

Really, that’s it? ’twas but a scratch!

Just as Aife’s about to indulge in her dockside succubuffet, daddy shows up to clam-jam her meal. I don’t think any child in the history of the world has smiled when their parents cockblocked them, so lady must be sick.

Hey Dad! Wanna go halvsies on a seaman?

Kenzi discovers the compass is broken and rather than upgrading to Google Maps, takes the lazy cheap Boi Scout approach and figures that manually aligning the arrow will be good enough.

Nothing a little Superglue couldn’t fix

In anticipation of the upcoming Memory Reveal and Truth Understanding Session, Dyson decides it’s time to process all his special wolf-feelings via the magic of role-play. He embraces Kenzi, who will be playing “Bo” this evening, and says he’s thrilled to settle for her! But Kenzi isn’t ready to settle for a life of beer bellies and receding hairlines, so she informs him that their relationship is totally fucked and they aren’t meant to be together because someone else is in her heart. SOMEONE WITH BOOBS.

All signs point to #dynzi being doomed

Dyson manages to somehow not fuck up this Boi Scout exercise and BAM, it’s Flood of Horribly Repressed Memory Time! Kenzi grabs her temples, Dyson grabs his brow and Aife grabs her Fancy Evening Shank. Aife isn’t too thrilled with the father-daughter reunion once she remembers how he locked her up for a century, and quoting every Lifetime made for television movie about a teenage mother making it on her own in the face of adversity, yells, “This is for her!” as she takes a swing.

I also carry a knife when I’m walking around, but it’s so I can eat cheese at a moment’s notice.

Inside, Asshole Vex barely apologizes for the whole Accidental Snake Bait thing, Lapdog Dyson can’t wait to find his master Bo and Supporting Actress Kenzi loses her chutzpah and just wants to change into her jammie jams and wait for her bestie to come home. Just like any Very Special Episode warning you about the dangers of unprotected sex or eyeballing vodka, everyone’s back to normal! LET’S GO GET ICE CREAM!

These abs are less impressive now. The codpiece is still weird.

If Kenzie’s dance moves made you forget about the opener, all you gotta know is it’s a good thing she didn’t open that crate. Whatever rank thing it attempted to contain is starting to pour forth symbiote-style. Ewww.

Wicker boxes just ain’t so great at holding in evil. Pandora could tell you that.

Elsewhere in the land, Lauren has taken a cue from that other lesbian doc and become a redhead. Judging by her waitressing outfit, she hasn’t subscribed to QOOTW yet. Suddenly a rush of Bo-related memories flood back and, given that a good chunk of those memories are nsfw, it’s not surprising that she moans, “Bo.”

I too am praying those bangs are temporary.

Elsewhere, elsewhere in the land, Bo finally gets on set, just in time for the credits to roll.

Fucking lazy.

Maybe she’ll show up long enough to explain the Fae-nesia in 402.

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