Lord of the Gay Remote: The Return of the Returning Fall TV

That title is misleading. Fall television, and thus my remote, isn’t that gay at all. Oh Autostraddle, I wish I could report that all your favorite shows are returning with a plethora of lesbians in the new cast, but alas. Such is not our world, nor is such our lot in media. That’s okay, though, because we don’t absolutely need lesbianism to make us want to watch something, right? Right. I mean, it sure doesn’t hurt, but we’re strong. We will get through the drought in lesbian media representation that we’ve been facing since television was literally invented.

Pop some popcorn, find a cute girl to cuddle, and then watch the new season so you two can nerd out until you make out.

Glee (FOX)

Here’s what you care about: Santana is at the University of Louisville, and Brittany is still at Lima High because she had a 0.0 GPA. Having a 0.0 GPA is something most guidance counselors would probably pick up on before graduation, but you know. It’s Glee. The two will be physically separated but emotionally together this season. I hope someone teaches Ryan Murphy about lesbian sex before Brittana gets a scene together, because I am one scissoring joke away from a violent crime. Here’s some other stuff that you might care about: Rachel is at the fictional version of Juilliard and is moving in with her “gay best friend” Kurt, who did not get into the fictional version of Juilliard. Spoilers say there might be some canoodling with Brody, who reassured her and audiences that he is “totally straight”. Okay, Brody. Spoilers also say that those of us waiting for Rachel to make out with Quinn should really stop holding our breaths already because Ryan Murphy is better at withholding than Lucille Bluth. Unique is a regular in the Glee Club this season, which I am excited about because I kind of love Unique and wish she was on another show where her character could be explored in a thoughtful and fabulous way. For everything you needed to know about the season premiere, please check out my Internet Wife’s recap.

Grey’s Anatomy (ABC)

Sorry this picture is so depressing, but it’s about as depressing as the start of this season will be. After the finale’s cliffhanger, we pick back up not knowing who made it out of the plane crash alive (unfortunately Meredith lives another day, sigh) and by who, I of course mean Arizona, one half of everyone’s favorite surgically-inclined lesbian couple. Spoilers have not been leaking at all, so we can neither confirm nor deny her survival, which means this could be either a super dramatic season of the depressing kind, or a super dramatic season of the typical kind. Everyone vote for the latter. Thursday, September 27, 9 PM EST.

Gossip Girl (The CW)

It’s the final season of Gossip Girl, which makes me a little nostalgic for my days in high school when I’d roll into math class and talk about last night’s episode and how Chuck is totally not the worst person ever and how he and Blair should have babies or whatever. Later in life I became an infinitely wiser person who realized that Chuck is actually a super gross abusive dude who tried to rape someone in the first episode. This season promises to wrap things up on the relationship front, so if you’re a Chuck/Blair person or a Dan/Blair person you’ll finally get that closure you so desperately need. I suggest we all get on the Serena/Blair train, which will probably only leave the station on the greased wheels of fanfiction, but whatever. Anyway, Dan and Blair end up forced to live under the same roof, and Chuck and Blair have a “steamy” hook up. I’m not sure if anyone cares about Serena and Nate but they’re doing stuff, too. There’s also a rumor that Jenny might be dying this season? Hold onto your unnecessary headbands, kids. Monday October 8, 9 PM EST.

 

American Horror Story (FX)

American Horror Story ended with a really super messed up birth and all the main characters dying. Literally, they’re dead. They are not coming back. This season takes place in an asylum in the 1960s, with very little carryover from the first season. Jessica Lange will be reappearing and running said asylum with Joseph Fiennes, who was a lovestruck Shakespeare and not actually Voldemort – I know we all have that problem. Lots of horrifying things will take place, although Camp Ryan Murphy is reporting that this will be less of a supernatural season, and more of a “wow, aren’t asylums just horrible places?” season. Honestly, I can’t look at the picture above this block of text and am already feeling seriously creeped out that I had to save it to my computer, so I don’t know if I’m tuning in for this one. I’ll need to cuddle someone cute on the couch if I do, just an FYI. Wednesday, October 17, 10 PM EST.

The Vampire Diaries (The CW)

Here’s what you need to know about The Vampire Diaries this season: Elena’s pulled a Bella and is becoming a vampire. She also chooses Stefan over Damon, which is not music to Damon’s vampiric ears. Hopefully Stefan won’t knock her up and Damon won’t bond to their spawn? Bonnie is spooked because Klaus is possessing Tyler’s body, and I have no idea what any of this means because I don’t watch this show. If you do watch this show, you have a lot of complicated things to look forward to this season, like Elena behind bars, and Caroline figuring out Klaus’ secret when they get physical, and probably some drinking of blood. But it’ll be sexy. Sexy blood drinking. Thursday, October 11, 8 PM EST.

Modern Family (ABC)

I totally love Modern Family.  I love this show because I plan on producing (or you know, having my egg carried in someone else’s uterus and thus producing) a child just like Luke, and having a lot of water gun fights with him at inappropriate moments. I also think Sofia Vergara is some kind of miracle, and this is one of the only ensemble comedies where I genuinely like every single character so darn much. Where other shows tend to fail at stereotypes and forced sentimentality (COUGH – Ryan Murphy – COUGH), this one really truly pulls it off. Last season Mitch and Cam didn’t get to adopt a baby after all, Gloria revealed that she’s pregnant, and Haley’s going to college. This season is going to fill me with sadness and happiness and laughter and other big feelings, you guys! Wednesday, September 26, 9 PM EST.

Happy Endings (ABC)

Now that Brad is unemployed, he will have fun being unemployed and doing the things I probably do as an unemployed person, like never putting on pants, talking to my dog about what cereal I should eat for lunch, and starting impossible projects I’ll never finish. Remember when Dave and Alex held hands in the finale? That’s going to happen, but no guarantees on whether or not it lasts, especially since Penny has finally owned up to her feelings for Dave. She’ll fill that Dave-sized gap with a new boyfriend. Sometimes I fill my girlfriend-sized gap with cheesecake. Tuesday, October 23, 9 PM EST.

New Girl (FOX)

Aw, New Girl. I didn’t want to like you, but then you went and ended up being kind of adorable. I guess I fit into the half of the world that doesn’t find Zooey Deschanel irritating? Here’s what we know about season two: Jess loses her job! This makes her want to be reckless, so she ends up getting a fuckbuddy that she totally hates personality-wise. I’m rooting for Nick/Jess, and spoilers reveal I’m on the right track for this season. Damn, I love it when I get a ship right, especially because that so rarely happens. Cece gets a new boyfriend, which sets Schmidt off. He, too, is going to do some reckless things to cope, like stealing my sweater! Yeah, that’s right. That grey sweater you’re sporting was totally my first gift from my girlfriend. It’s a heather grey mens’ cardigan from J.Crew. and it’s comfy as fuck. Give it back, breeder. Tuesday, September 25, 8 PM EST.

 Parks and Recreation (NBC)

I had really wanted to get this article up before the preview, but it was last night! It was Jerry’s fault. Damn it Jerry! Lesley is a city councilwoman and Ben is in D.C., so they could really use some advice on a long distance relationship.  Ann and Tom are living together sort of, Ron Swanson is Ron Swanson, and Andy is maybe becoming a cop? I don’t even know guys, I just love all of them so much. If I could take any cast and just give them all hugs and cuddles for hours and hours, it would be this cast. Thursdays at 9:30 PM EST.

 30 Rock (NBC)

This is the last ever season of 30 Rock. I know! What are we going to do without relatable super awkward characters working on their night cheese? Tina Fey has said it’s going to be GuestStarpalooza this season, so get ready to see familiar and famous faces all over the place. Plus the characters are going through all kinds of exciting stuff, like Liz finally becoming a mother (maybe), and Jack dealing with his ex-wives, and Jenna and Paul marrying each other…or themselves, depending on how you look at it. I look forward to the return of Salma Hayek and her literally perfect presence. Thursday, October 4, 8 PM EST.

Once Upon A Time (ABC)

I don’t watch this show, but I am told that I should because of something called a Swan Queen? Thanks, Tumblr. This season, all the fairy tale characters remember who they are! But why are they still in our shitty reality? We will find out what’s up with everyone outside the fairy tale realm, and meet some new characters, including Mulan and Sleeping Beauty. I’m still kind of confused by their definition of “fairy tale” since it seems to be “Disney movies” but okay! Let’s just get the ladies to sex since they already basically have a kid together. Sunday, September 30, 8 PM EST.

Boardwalk Empire (HBO)

I was giddy as a schoolgirl for this show to return. Even though we lost our resident queer lady (R.I.P Angela, you now scissor with the angels) and our resident babyfaced gangster (R.I.P. Jimmy, I still don’t know why they killed you off), there are still badass characters doing badass things. This season, Margaret is doing it for herself and working her new and prominent position as Nucky’s wife, even if the marriage itself is all but a shitshow. In the meantime, everyone will cry at Richard Harrow trying to raise Jimmy’s son right. Pass me the tissues, I swear. There’s going to be serious gangster turf wars and more IT HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE TOO! moments, and probably more naked ladies. There’s always naked ladies. Sundays, 9 PM, EST.

 Dexter (Showtime)

Last time we saw Dexter, his (adopted, remember) sister Deb was running into the church to tell him she loved him! Too bad he was dramatically driving a knife into a dude’s chest. This season will cover the repercussions of both those sentences, including Deb considering the consequences of turning her brother in, Dexter trying to handle his newly blown cover, and lots of new criminals to skewer. Skewer away, Dex. Sunday, September 30, 9 PM EST.

 The Good Wife (CBS)

I think we’re all concerned for Kalinda. If you’re not concerned for Kalinda, I would advise you to start watching this show because Kalinda is enough of a reason to watch The Good Wife. Kalinda is a totally fantastic queer lady who gets shit done the first time. She’s a super complex character who is one of my favorite characters on television, and you need to be on this. This season, her big bad ex-husband is coming back, which is seriously shaking her up. Also, Alicia might be getting back with Peter as he runs for governor, but maybe not because she’s an independent woman doing it for herself. Strong lady drama! Sunday, September 30, 9 PM EST.

 

Homeland (Showtime)

This second season takes place six months after the finale, with Carrie no longer at the CIA and working as a teacher. Don’t worry, though, because she’ll be back in the saddle soon enough, and she’ll remember the Nazir and Brody connection eventually, too. Speaking of Nazir and Brody, guess who is stealing information for Nazir while acting as a congressman? Yay, it’s Brody. Will Carrie give into her feelings for Brody, even though she totally went through electroshock therapy to get rid of them? Will Brody keep doing sneaky things for Nazir? All this and a bag of chips on this season of Homeland.

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Kate

Full-time writer, part-time lover, freelancing in fancy cheese and cider.

Kate has written 130 articles for us.

55 Comments

  2. Oh, Grey’s Anatomy. I just can’t quit you. But I’m still so mad about the season finale!

    Also, Happy Endings needs to get back in my life immediately. This whole end of October premiere date is just not working for me.

  3. So there’s no new lezbeans like at all? Goddammit I can’t keep all my Santana’s in one basket

    Or something.

  4. I’m gonna say that I’m also excited for How I Met Your Mother. Except for every time they make a douchey transphobic joke I almost throw shit at the TV.

  5. Everything. I am excited for everything.

    I can’t quit TV shows even when I hate them so this is the best time of year for me.

    Also who else is psyched about the return of Switched At Birth?!?!

  6. I’m definitely excited for Revenge. Such a guilty pleasure, but it’s sooo good, you guys. Emily VanCamp – forever and always.

    Dexter…finally getting back on track since it peaked during the “Trinity Killer” season then went downhill the last 2 seasons. The new trailer looks AMAZING.

    Homeland. Clair Danes could sell me anything – and in this case it’s arguably the most quality drama on tv.

  9. Kate’s recap of The Vampire Diaries’ S4 reminded me of the super rapey plotline surrounding Caroline/Tyler/Klaus which I have been so desperately trying to ignore. Why does this show keep advocating abuse and a lack of consent and brainwashing in their romantic plotlines? Remember when Kevin Williamson was still part of this show and he talked about wanting to introduce organically a gay character into the mix, and all we got was Caroline’s sexless gay dad and a super problematic metaphor for gay conversion therapy? Remember when the female friendships on this show were actually central to the lives of our heroines, and took precedence over their romances?

    Does anyone want to form a support group for quitting TVD? I’m serious. I think I need the help.

    (Also, are they seriously going to tease Dan/Blair again after the amazingly awful way they destroyed that couple? STOP TOYING WITH MY HEART GOSSIP GIRL I SAID I WAS DONE WITH YOU LAST SEASON.)

    • I actually just started watching The Vampire Diaries! I’m halfway through season 2. I had to quick scroll through the preview because I didn’t want to get spoiled.

      • AHHHH OMG SEASON 2 OF TVD IS INCREDIBLE and so is the first half of S3, honestly. I really don’t know what to say because this show is my favourite show but it causes me such pain.

        Not as much pain as Glee does, though. So I guess that’s why I know I’m gonna be parked in front of my couch with a bottle of wine when S4 premieres…

  10. If they hurt Arizona I am so done with Grey’s Anatomy. Oog. I’m so nervous!

    Also there’s going to be a lesbian EMT in “Chicago Fire” coming in October. That will probably be worth a look.

  13. Goddammit why did I read that Dexter blurb? I’m only halfway through season 5 and had just passed the point where I knew things that were going to happen. I KNOW BETTER than to read things I know will be spoiler-y, but this time I didn’t even think.

    Anyway, I just wanted to ask if anyone here watches American Horror Story because that picture scares but also intrigues me.

    • I watched the first season of AHS, which was can’t-look-away trainwreck awful, but despite all common sense, I’m gonna be there for the second season. Why?

      1) Chloë Sevigny (as a nymphomaniac!?!?!)

      2) Clea DuVall (as a lesbian?? maybe?? she and Sarah Paulson were giving off some lesbosexy vibes if by lesbosexy vibe I mean they were lying on a bed and Clea tilted Sarah’s face towards hers)

      Also Zachary Quinto! Franka Potente!! There are times when I think being a queer girl is not actually a good thing and those times are usually when I make myself watch Ryan Murphy productions.

      • I actually really enjoyed the first season of AHS, the wonderful little mindf*ck that it was. Looking forward to more of that….but this time with all of those amazing actresses you listed. I mean, Chloe and Clea on my TV screen? What is this, 1999? :)

    • yes, but you forgot the important part, which is said hot leather-wearing succubus having sexytimes *on camera* with her sometimes-lover & resident lesbiologist Dr Hotpants.

  15. I’ve been catching up on Modern Family on Netflix, it’s not as plot heavy as some shows but will it matter if I watch the new episodes before season 3?

  16. How can a bunch of queer ladies not mention that our hero LUCY LAWLESS is going to be on Parks and Rec as Ron Swan son’s love interest? This alone makes the fall schedule for me!!

  17. It’s articles like this that make me want to run out and reorder cable. Or find some friends who have cable. Or get over my fear of pirating.

    Homeland is absolutely one of the best shows I’ve ever watched. If someone with Showtime thinks someone is in their bushes while they’re watching Homeland.. don’t worry, it’s just me. I’ll leave once I see the previews for next week’s episode.

  19. I quote 30 Rock at least once, everyday, in daily conversation. I don’t know what I’m going to do after this season…

  20. PARKS AND RECREATION! That is LIT-ERALLY the best Show ever made in the history of the galaxy. April was damn fine in the last scene when she was wearing that plaid shirt and her and Andy were standing outside of the White House. Amy Poehler is a genius.

  21. …because Ryan Murphy is better at witholding that Lucille Bluth.

    I’m dying.

    Speaking of Arrested Development, WHEN IS IT HAPPENING

    • +1 to Arrested Development! The ongoing rumors and speculations about a movie/webseries/Netflix episodes are causing me so much anxiety. ::retreats to bedroom in cutoff jorts with jar of blue facepaint::

    • because it has reached such an epic level of gayness that it can no longer be observed or measured. the lesbian energy between Rizzoli and Isles has reached a point of incredibly intensity and has collapsed on itself, creating a singularity in TV time, until no gayness can escape its pull and reach Autostraddle observers.

  24. Can’t wait for Grey’s Anatomy to start back! Love that show! What an amazing cliff hanger last season.

  25. The New Normal – the lead couple being a male gay couple – is getting a lesbian couple soonish, and one half of the pair will be Leisha Hailey.

  27. New favourite writer on Autostraddle! Funny shit.

    This will all be highly relevant to me in a year once all of the above seasons start Down Under.

    DEXTER…torn between wanting Julia Stiles to come back and wanting the mindfuck that will be the Dex/Deb storyline.

  28. Kate McKinnon was fantastic on Weekend Update tonight! I must have missed the news that she is a full on cast member! Love it.

  29. Kate McKinnon was fantastic on Weekend Update tonight as Ann Romney! I must have missed the news that she is a full on cast member! Love it.

  30. “I hope someone teaches Ryan Murphy about lesbian sex before Brittana gets a scene together, because I am one scissoring joke away from a violent crime.”

    …complete comic redemption for the misleading title. Well done.

  32. I know Once Upon A Time is cheesy as heck, but I got hooked for the first season. There’s definitely some sexual tension between Emma and Regina/the Queen and I agree they should just get it over with and raise that annoying kid together. Unfortunately that would just be a huge incestuous clusterfuck. Emma’s mom is Mary Margaret and Mary Margaret’s stepmother is Regina. I think. But they’re all the same age so it’s confusing. I’m confused just writing this.

    I also enjoyed the first season of AHS and can’t wait to see what Ryan Murphy does with the second season. I really like that he’s bringing some of the cast back as different characters.

  33. I’m a bad American TV-watcher; the shows I’m most excited about returning are Doctor Who, Bomb Girls, and Lost Girl.

  34. Pingback: Autostraddle: 5 New TV Characters I’ve Decided Are Gay | Litbloc

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