Long-Distance Lesbian Relationships: How To Make Them Work And When To Call It Quits

Let’s face it: Long-distance relationships aren’t always fun. Ideally, you’d like to be face-to-face with your partner for conversations, large life events, or simply put, sex. Especially sex. But that doesn’t mean they can’t work. I watched many a cute couple at A-Camp find one another and then realize the other person lives in Canada or Europe or New York or somewhere over the rainbow. Long-distance is also pretty common in that first year of college, when your girlfriend ends up in California and you’re in Ohio. Maybe you just met someone online and they’re perfect, but they’re from France. I’ve been in quite a few long-distance, long-term relationships, from New York to Brazil to Australia. I’ll admit, sometimes my favorite part of past relationships have been the distance, but sometimes the distance was what broke us up. There is no right or wrong way to be in a long-distance relationship — maybe you thrive on independence or maybe you just need cuddles at night. Here are some of my protips on how to make it work and when to know that it’s over.

Make It Work.

Communicate. This is so easy in theory, but maybe your girlfriend lives in Australia and she’s only awake for half of the day that you’re awake. Prioritize those times. Schedule in times to talk and stick to those dates as if you were going out to a real dinner together. Skype! It’s such a glorious thing! So is texting, if you’re not internationally in love. If you are international, Facebook message or download an app that let’s you text through the internet (my favorite is TextNow). Voxer and HeyTell are also awesome. Keep in touch in ways that are not Facebook. Email. Snail mail love letters. Send care packages. Most importantly, share what your day was like and let your love know you’re missing her.

Talk About Jealousy Issues. Unfortunately, this is a huge part of why long-distance relationships don’t work. But maybe you’re the exception! Talk through what’s making you jealous — are you sad you can’t be the one eating lunch with her in the school cafeteria? Are you annoyed that a cute girl is taking up more attention than you? These are real, legitimate concerns and you shouldn’t demean them. You should talk about them and figure out how to compromise. It all comes down to trust. Do you honestly, really, one million bazillion percent trust that your partner will not cheat on you? Good. Then you can get through it. If not, then you need to be reevaluating this whole thing you’ve got going on.

Schedule Dates. The most important thing is to stick to these dates as if they were actual, in real life, going out together dates. Watch movies together on the phone or Skype. Play online or phone games together (one of my girlfriends and I became obsessed with Yahoo pool once? It was awesome). Find silly things you can do online together — karaoke, drawing, etc.

See One Another. Alternate visiting one another. Travelling is expensive, especially when you have to take time off work. Seeing each other in real life is the best part of being in a long-distance relationship, because it’s always exciting and feel like new, so try to just live in the moment. I used to ruin the last one or two days of a visit by sulking because I didn’t want my girlfriend to leave and that’s probably my biggest regret. Don’t expect your partner to be able to take time off work if you’re visiting her, and don’t make her feel guilty if this is the case. Just be grateful for time spent together. Travel together! Why don’t you meet halfway and explore somewhere together? If you’re in Washington and your girlfriend is in California, meet in Portland. That way you both get vacations and some quality alone time.

Sex. The lack thereof is a major downside of being in a LDR. Find other avenues of intimacy, whether it’s phone sex, naked pictures, Skype… sessions… you do you. Just be forewarned about sending naked pictures to your partner — the internet is forever.

Don’t Let Other People Get You Down. Heaps of people you meet are going to cringe when you tell them your girlfriend lives in Brazil. So what? Are you happy? Yes? Okay. Haters are gonna hate. Get over this as early on in the relationship as possible.

Have Your Own Life. I love being independent. This was my favorite part of being in a long-distance relationship: the ability to go do my own thing. It’s easy to fall into the pattern of spending every night on the phone for hours with your girlfriend. Unfortunately, that isn’t very sustainable. Go out and make friends or you’re going to be miserable. Go to that concert, go to that party. Believe me, you will regret not doing these things.

via {xkcd}

Have A Time Frame For Ending The Distance. This gives you something to look forward to together. Maybe you’re going to be apart for a few months or a few years. You might not know exact dates in the beginning, but make sure you and your partner talk about eventually living in the same place together. If neither of you wants to compromise…

When To Call it Quits

When You Can’t Compromise. For example, with one of my previous girlfriends, we did the long-distance thing, then we lived together, then we went back to the long-distance thing, and because I didn’t want to keep sacrificing being away from my family to live in another country and I hate flying, and she didn’t want to sacrifice being away from her family and she hated flying, we broke up. That’s the simplified version. Take care of yourself, because nothing is worse than resenting your partner for things out of your control.

When Jealousy Can’t Be Overcome. Is your partner guilt-tripping you for hanging out with your best friend or not picking up the phone by the third ring? Not worth it. Do you find yourself becoming physically sick at the thought of her hanging out with that cute girl without you? Not worth it. First, talk to your girlfriend about the feelings and go from there.

When You Find Yourself Liking Someone Else. Do not, under any circumstances, cheat on your partner. Don’t do it. It’s never okay, not even when you haven’t been around your partner in months and you have completely forgotten how good girls smell and feel and taste. If you’re tempted to cheat, it’s better to just end things.

When It’s Just Not Worth It Anymore. You probably already know when you’re at this point. Admitting defeat does not make you a bad person. Ever. Sometimes you tried really hard or you didn’t want to try anymore or you just don’t want to be in a long-distance relationship. There’s nothing wrong with any of this.

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Hansen

Hansen is the former DIY & Food Editor of Autostraddle.com and likes to spend most days making and cooking and writing. She teaches creative writing at Colorado State University and is pursuing a Masters of Fine Arts in her free time.

Hansen has written 189 articles for us.

77 Comments

  1. I’ve been in a long-distance relationship since last Christmas, and I can see her only twice a year because there is an ocean between us.
    The thing is, it’s unbearable. Yet it’s nothing compared to what my life would look like if she wasn’t there.

    (Also, thank you for that article, it’s nice to see we’re not the only ones to owe Skype our happiness.)

  2. I was in a long distance relationship for 3 out of 6 years in my last relationship – got to see each other about twice a year since we were ~1400 miles apart. She broke up with me for non-LDR reasons, but communicating is definitely the key to LDR. Talk about everything.

    Also, if she continually tells you that it’s too expensive for her to fly up and see you (especially when you’ve visited her every time) and then next week she says she needed some “retail therapy” and bought two new dresses, three pairs of shoes, and a new skirt, that’s a sign people :/

  3. The first four months I was with my girlfriend were four months in the same city. The following year was and is still long distance.

    We’ve not had any jealousy issues but there’s definitely been problems with communication. More along the lines of one of us is busy and when we’re free, the other one is now busy and so where do we come home from wherever we are, to Skype.

    You said we have to be independent/be our own person… I didn’t exactly do that during the first year (though she did) and now that I am trying to have my own life she’s mistaking it for her not being important enough anymore. I’ve tried to tell her but it always ends up with me being the one who’s at fault. How do I fix that?

    • i would just be explicitly honest. tell her that you need your own life, just like she has. assure her it has nothing to do with how you feel about her, but also explain that if you don’t make time for yourself you’ll end up resenting her. if she doesn’t get it, i would say that’s a more serious issue. but also make sure you’re being honest about what you need, and not apologizing. i used to sort of call my girlfriend up and be like, “hi babe, sorry i can’t talk tonight, i feel really bad…” and sound really guilty and expect her to freak out, but no, that’s not helpful to anyone. now i’m more honest and i’ll text her or let her know in advance that i’m busy, even if that just means needing some alone time writing in my journal. i don’t act as though she’s gonna freak out, because she’s a grown-up and can handle time alone, too, and also she knows i love her and my desire to go see a movie / get dinner with a friend / grab a drink with co-workers / lay in my bed and refuse to talk to anyone has absolutely nothing to do with my feelings (or lack thereof) for her and absolutely everything to do with the fact that we’re individuals who do different things, not siamese twins who can’t function without the other. since i’ve owned up to my need for more independent time and given her more credit about understanding this need, our relationship has been a lot healthier and i’ve felt a lot less guilty.

      sorry if any pieces of this sound harsh — i’m just concerned because you say she did (presumably does?) have her “own life” and yet she’s making it difficult for you to do the same, and that’s not fair. whether a relationship is long distance or not, your partner needs to support you and allow you to make sure your own needs are being met, otherwise everyone is screwed, and not in a good way.

      (full disclosure: i am in a “fake LDR” — my own term — because while my gf and i do live in different states and do not see each other as frequently as i’d like — we’d probably be living together if we were in the same place — she is just a short hour train ride away, and we see each other most weekends, so it feels obnoxious to say i’m in a LDR when for some people that means canada to europe, or australia to brazil, etc.)

  4. I was in a long distance relationship for about a year and a half, and several months ago we ended the long distance aspect, and moved in together. I had many people really doubt my relationship, and tell me about their doubts, but we had a plan of how and when the distance would end. We made plans while we were seeing each other for the next time we could see each other. We’d buy plane tickets, clear schedules, etc. while we were together, so it made each visit feel less like “OH MY GOD BETTER SAVOR THIS WHO KNOWS WHEN I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN.” We also had a plan for when we could move to the same city. This was hard and involved some sacrifices on my part like leaving my friends, the city where I’d become comfortable, etc. But I was/am sure this is the person I want to be with, and to be with her I had to do it. So! Scary, but both planning our next visits and having an end point to the distance in the long run was a super important light at the end of the tunnel.

    Also! We met on okcupid. So, don’t despair little gay babies finding love on the internet! It can work.

    • This mirrors a lot of my relationship! Met online, did the LDR thing for 9 long months (and Skype didn’t exist!), moved in together, toughed it out and now it’s almost 11 years later. Yikes. She moved a few provinces over to be with me and it wasn’t always easy, but it’s good now.

      It’s important to be on the same page as far as communication. Life goes on when you’re in different cities, that’s just how it is…communicating, for us, had a great deal of day to say stuff, like I went to class, I went to work, talked to this person, this is what I’m doing this weekend, etc. It’s fine to not be able to reach your girlfriend if you have an idea about what’s going on in her life. And always, always plan a next time, and a possible future together. If you both want it to work, make it happen!

      • my thoughts exactly.. if you want to make it work then you will. It requires effort but if you love each other then make the effort!

    • Are you me? I met my honey on OKC and moved to her city after a year-and-a-half of long distance. We conducted that year-and-a-half pretty much as you describe, by visiting each other every month and buying plane tickets as far in advance as possible so we kept a momentum going. We’ve now been in the same city for about six months, and it’s really, really lovely.

    • This! This this this. I met my lady (via OKC) about a month before I moved halfway across the country… it was just supposed to be a summer fling but then All The Feelings happened! It’s really encouraging to hear that your OKC-based LDRs worked out so well.

      Side note, she’s visiting right now and we’re both catching up on the Autostraddle articles we’ve missed over the past couple days :) She’s the cutest.

      • :D The only untruth there: Christina’s the cutest. This long distance thing isn’t too hard because of all of the texting, Netflix dates, Skype chats, snail mail love letters, and monthly visits planned in advance. <3

    • WoW I have totally given up online dating..now you’re saying you met on okcupid. Thanks I guess we won’t give up then.

  5. “Keep in touch in ways that are not Facebook”
    Example: Leave comments on Autostraddle articles that you know your girlfriend will read.
    Hey lady, you’re my favourite *HUGS*

  6. This is just what I needed to see at any point. When I look at my potential career path, I see me jetting all over the world and unfortunately, leaving my girl behind for a period of time. Reading this, I can feel a bit more comfortable with that thought and know that I can make it work while Im away for long periods.

    • Jet away. You have to live your life. My girl is from Luxembourg. I left her at uni to study abroad in TN, last year I worked in Italy for most of the year and next feb I’m going to work on a cruise ship for 9 months. If she’s worth keeping then she’ll support you in living your life.

      It can totes work. 5 1/2 years and counting.

      =]

  7. Oh boi, feeeelings. I remember feeling guilty for valuing the independence associated with the distance, but that guilt was balanced by her bold action of stealing my fav shirt and stubbornly telling me she was going to have a relationship with my shirt/smell until I came back. I mean, Toronto to Montreal isn’t the longest of distances, but it was really the cute, inventive things we’d do that kept everything from crashing and burning and ultimately ending in a horrible way. Good luck current long-distancers!

  8. Autostraddle, you can read minds! First you’re writing an article about living with roommates and now you’re writing about LDR! How did you know that I’m going to be moving away to go back to school in two weeks? I’ll be living with four roommates, who I don’t even know yet (hooray!), after living with my girlfriend for almost three years. There’s only going to be 240km between us, but we’re both broke university students, so it’s gonna be tough.
    Thanks for the advice, Autostraddle. I’ll be thinking of you while having hot, hot phone sex with my special ladyfriend!

  9. Liking someone else doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker. Crushes happen! There’s also the option of non-monogamy.

    Communication communication communication.

    • Hear hear! I’m poly and in a LDR, communication is the cornerstone but it is totally doable and in some ways can buffer the stress of distance.

      This is also a pleasantly timed article because she’s coming to visit tomorrow and all three of us will get to hang out all weekend! Yayyy! =D

  11. THIS IS A GREAT POST. Obvi it it’s hitting home for a lot of people. I was in a LDR but she ended things partially because I was super terrible at a LDR. I’d send a postcard or package and then not send another for a long time and seriously, that effort should be sustained. All the time. The connection didn’t stay strong and I didn’t remind her, or rather, SHOW her as much as I should have how much I cared. Which was stupid (of me)! Anyway, that was my mistake and has really taught me to keep trying, always, to show the people in my life how much I love them.

    Also, ALL the snaps for the “live your life” advice. Sitting at home pining for your lady is romantic but it’s going to make for a boring Skype conversation for her when she finally comes online and you have nothing to say but “I rewatched another Doctor Who episode”, honestly.

  12. This is depressingly relevant. My gf is moving back to Korea in a couple of weeks. I said I’d never do an LDR again, after being in them from age 17 – 26(!), but I can’t just let her go and never see her again, and neither of us want to date anyone else. I’m planning to run away to Korea in February but it means effing up my career and going back into the closet, so it’s a lot to process…

      • maybe becoz korea is an Asian country…and if shes a red blooded lesbian (I mean very much obvious by the why she looks and so ).. I don’t know.. lesbian in asia is not really that liberated to display their selves in public tha way American and European do… >o<

        Asian bloodears.. correct me if im wrong… =)

  13. Long distance relationships while in the closet are the hardest. There’s only so many reasons you can give your parents as to why you’ve flown to New York three times this year to see your “friend”.

    • This is exactly exactly exactly the situation in which I came out. After a few trips to New York to see my “friend”, my mom finally said, “Are you sure you’re not more than friends?” And then I cried a lot.

    • paramecium is ryt.. kinda hard specially if your girl “friend” is not welcome in the family… >o< blowing my head off!

  15. I’m in a long distance and we use all of this to make it wonderful. One small and cheesy (and great) thing we do on top of these things is to take pictures when we’re out and text them to each other. I love seeing what she’s seeing when she’s out and she seems to love it, too. It helps us to feel closer in our day to day activities. So she gets a picture of my desk at work, I get a picture of the road where she’s stuck in traffic, she gets a pic of the friend I’m having lunch with, whatever we feel inspired to send. It’s made the distance feel so much smaller.

  16. How do you people do it? Having been in too many dysfunctional relationships where I had to psyche myself up to see and spend time with my girlfriend, I am now in the healthiest, happiest relationship ever..like EVER! We live about 90 minutes away from one another and I haven’t seen her in three days…I’m a mess! It’s only been three freaking days! I’m ready to quit my job and live in my car parked in her driveway! How do you do it?

    • It does require a period of adjustment, but just know that you WILL adjust and trust me…you get used to it. You’ll stop thinking about it as a ‘LDR’ and just as YOUR relationship that isn’t any different from any other healthy happy relationship…you just don’t see each other every day.

      By the sounds of it, you love her enough to make it work.

      =]

  18. So relevant to my life right now. I’m in the UK and my girlfriend is in Oklahoma- she’s planning to move over here once she graduates next summer, but at the moment the distance is kind of painful, as is the six hour time difference. But she makes my life so much more amazing even from that much distance- totally worth it.

  19. seven weeks post LDR breakup and that last point was NOT fun to read. it’s only worth it until it’s no longer worth it – no matter how much you love each other. hardest lesson.

  20. This is totally a page I am going to put in my ldr advice bookmarks folder for when my girlfriend and I go back to being long distance in December. =[ We got together while long distance most of this year, but I’ll be graduating this winter and probably moving back home and there’s a really high probablility she’ll be joining the military after the new year. Thinking of which, has anyone dated a girl while she (or you) were still in military training? How did that or the frequent moving (while still being single on paperwork) go? The only advantage either of us can think of is that being penpals was fun. =T

  22. This second half of this article is all too relevant to me right now, and I don’t want to talk about that part, so.

    Thank you for channeling probably my most used phrase at A-Camp of “the internet is forever.” Because it really is, you guys.

  23. It’s like autostraddle has started to read my mind when choosing what to write about.

    My gf is joining the peace corps. I’m equal parts “yay, I’m so happy that you get to do something that you’ve always wanted to do” and “ohmigod how do we move from seeing each other every second of every day to you living on separate continent with no internet connection”? I suspect the answer to the second part is going to take time to figure out. Luckily, I have 27 months?

  24. I’ve only had one actual LDR and it was the worst thing ever. Besides that I’ve sort of dated people a couple hours away but that never worked so.

    But when you’re three time zones apart and you’re about to go to bed while she’s hanging out with her friends? You never talk anymore.

    It didn’t help that she was the first girl I’d ever dated/did anything with, and that I had fallen hard for her two years before we even did start dating. And then a couple months later we moved to other sides of the country and it fell to pieces and she was like “I don’t want to do this anymore” and I was like “FINE I DON’T NEED YOU LET’S NEVER TALK AGAIN.” (probably the least mature reaction I could have had).

    Then my friends got me drunk and when they left the dance floor at the shitty bar we were at I screamed (a very tortured scream) at the top of my lungs, “DON’T LEAVE MEEEEE.” Clearly, I was feeling some feelings.

    Anyway. Not planning on doing this again unless MAYBE I get the idea that she’s as into making it work as I am? LDRs suck.

    • Im glad you feel feelings like this.
      its kinda nice to know there are others with mature feelings that explode out of them.

  25. My girlfriend and I were long distance for a year after meeting in a bar and realising that a) we were getting on ridiculously well and b) she lived in Germany and I lived in the UK.

    I should apologise to the environment because we flew a LOT that year.

    Anyway now we live together in London and it’s bloomin’ great. .

    I think my point is that it can work! Plus also Germany is great and we’re moving to Berlin next year, so you might also get to fall in Iove with a new place as well as a new person.

  27. Great advice, wiish I would’ve had this list six years ago… My first relationship was a LDR. First four months were spent together, the next five years on Skype, in airports, bus stations and in each others homes on short visits. Five years was way too long and I ended up making most of them mistakes mentioned above. I’m just glad it left me wiser and that a got five years with an amazing person who changed the way I see myself and others for the rest of my life to come. As far as relationship goes, LDR or otherwise, no one relationship is better than it is right now. You can’t live the future you might get together. So you know… make it worthwhile now.

  28. My first relationship was with a dude (I’m bi for those who don’t know already) and it was long-distance. We ultimately broke up because he realized he was only attracted to guys, but while the relationship was going on, damn, I could have used a lot of this advice.

    For me I think it only worked because he was my best friend and I was really into him. I don’t think I’m the sort of person who could normally do a long-distance relationship, and I’m hesitant to get into one with someone where I don’t already know them really well and I haven’t already built up a lot of trust and commitment.

  29. Oh gosh I’m in a LDR right now. My gf is in college and I’m still a high school student. She is really attached to her city and her family and I would never want to ask her to move away from there. I on the other hand don’t really have a huge attachment to any particular place (yay AF brat life) so I’m going to move there for college. Of course I’m going to have to give up just about everything, move away from my family and friends, but it’s all worth it and I love the adventure of going to a new place. Plus the colleges there are awesome. I’m just glad that when I do go, it’s not across an entire ocean like some people’s LDgfs. She only lives 3 states from me.
    Side note: we’re in a poly relationship, so she has a gf who lives near her right now, but I have no hard feelings toward her, and actually think her gf is pretty awesome. I trust her with my life and trust that she wouldn’t ever cheat or anything. And I had a gf over the summer (which didn’t work out) and now have a huge crush on a guy (I’m biromantic) and she’s nothing but happy for me when I get dates with other people. Visiting isn’t really an option for a while, since neither of us has a job and we’re both poor students who live over 500 miles apart, but once it will we both know it will be extra-special. I can’t send or receive mail to/from her, because my parents freak out about me dating and would never approve of us, so we have very minimal contact most of the time, but we’re more of a silent support system for each other and understand just about everything without even having to talk much.
    This month we’ll have been together for 6 months, and it’s been the best 6 months of my life. I’m no longer depressed, and have matured a lot. I can’t say anything similar for any of my past relationships, so this whole LDR thing is working pretty great for me.

  30. Ohman, so relevant. I’m in my 4th month of a LDR and we’re doing all of the above as much as we can; still, sometimes it can get very tough. Thank GOD FOR SKYPE!

    Only another 3 or 4 months to go, I tell myself… or we tell each other when one of us is down. That’s extremely helpful. Also, filling your days with activities!

  31. After an intense long-distance friendship with a high school friend that was punctuated over four years with attempts to start a long distance relationship because of college choices and later the Navy, we’ve now started an official distance relationship and are hitting two months! So, we’ve had the practice writing goofy postcards and love letters, Skypeing, and communicating in general over distance. It doesn’t seem too different from before except that it is more intimate and we get to plan for the future of living together.

    I should say I’m in Honolulu and she’s in Naples so the difference is 12 hours. This is surprisingly easier to manage than the 6 hours to talk to my family in the central time zone, but it will twist your brain at times remembering what day it is.

    We’ve already planned her visit here in the late spring. Being in the Navy she’ll get the luxury of a whole month off! Then in the late summer I’ll be going to Europe. Our deadline for the end of distance is dependent on the end of her enlistment so it will be close to three years.

    I thought I’d share some more ideas that we’ve found to help with the stress of distance. Coming up with this list alone was fun to do together.

    ————————————————————-

    It helps with the anxiety of missing your girlfriend if your friends are supportive. Then your partner’s news and your joys and troubles related to your girlfriend are legitimate topics of conversation.

    Related to that if you can Skype with your girlfriend when other people are around it makes the relationship seem more real. Don’t force your friends to hang-out with her, especially if they’ve never met, or do this too often – but if the conversation includes your Skype-love it can be eerily like they are there and they’re not a figment of the internet.

    It is important to remember that a virtual relationship will stress you out it ways you don’t expect. So, have patience with your emotions, her emotions, your collective schedules, learning webcam sexy skills, and forgiveness with the fact that some of the issues you deal with are prompted only because you are communicating over the internet.

    Especially with the webcam sex, the first time we tried that I burst out in tears from missing her and other times, we’ve burst into giggles from the absurdity of trying to be sexy out of our comfort zones. Once, I tried to talk about the romantic partnering of turtles to get into a comfort zone, that was not so successful… Try to keep it light and fun until you get the hang of it, also don’t take it personally if your attempts just don’t elicit the right response.

    Being 12 hours apart- waking up when the other is getting ready for sleep- we’ve found that you can Skype shower – if you carefully prop your computer on a shelf or cat litter tub and cover your keyboard with a towel. It’s fun and intimate and something you might want to try. Don’t ruin your computer!! Also Skype baths (you can actually talk without the gush of the water or the exhaust fan running)

    You can eat meals together, buy similar ingredients, and cook in the kitchen with your laptop. Cooking together!

    Shopping together online for necessities that you would normally choose alone is another activity that makes your girlfriend seem closer. For a fun option – lingerie. Then make sure to have dress up time later ;)

    Reading to each other from the book you’re currently reading, online articles, or poetry is a great way to bask in your girlfriend’s voice.

    And finally it has helped me to carry something with me of hers through my day, a bracelet she gave me or a tank-top I ‘borrowed’. Little things to remind me of her during the day.

    And of course every that was said above! Good luck peeps

    <3 you kuiipo

  34. My girlfriend and I have been together for over 5 1/2 years now. She’s from Luxembourg so after Uni [where we only saw each other during term time] she moved back there.

    The longest we’ve gone without seeing each other is 5 months [twice] when I studied in TN in our 3rd year of uni. We’ve been through a lot and there have been times when we have talked about it maybe being the end but to be honest it never has been.

    I see her a handful of times a year and people think I’m crazy for still being with her when there’s no guarantee that we will ever live in the same country, but I don’t care. I love her and when I see her it makes the months of NOT seeing her completely worth it, even if it’s only for a weekend.

    I trust her completely and she trusts me too. I have never and would never cheat on her. We talk every single day even if it’s just using google chat. I am independent and have my own goals, as does she, next year I am going to work on a cruise ship for 9 months so I don’t know how much I’ll get to see her but like she said…we don’t see each other now so why would that make any difference?

    She is the only one I want to be with, in fact when I do go out to gay bars and see other women, it just makes me miss her even more.

    LDR are hard but if not being in one meant not being with her, then I’d do it forever.

    My motto for life and our relationship is: ‘honesty is the best policy’. We tell each other everything…even when we get a random crush on another girl (which can actually be quite funny when she blushes telling me about it lol)…telling the other person about it takes the power out of it and it’s unrealistic to expect your partner to never be attracted to anyone else, even if you ARE in the same zip code.

    Communication is so important…if you’ve ever had an argument over Skype and are still together then props to you! lol

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  37. What I learned from my failed long distance relationship is (and should be said by any type of relationship, platonic and otherwise) to never care about someone you cannot trust.

    If you have told her repeatedly that you don’t trust her and she continuously takes you for granted then it’s time to pack up and go.

    It may seem easy if you’re the person from the outside looking in but once it happens to you, you won’t see it coming until you finally see that you’ve invested so much emotion into a bottomless glass.

    Move on, breathe, and know there is someone out there that’s worth it.

  38. Ugh where was this like 3 weeks ago? Totally made a goof on not honoring date time with my girl. We are in a ldr right now ( I’m in North Cal, she’s in Florida) and just celebrated our sixth month anniversary this last week. :3 I think what is working for us is that we were friends (we met online) before hoping into this relationship. She knew what I was like and I vise versa ( And both of us didn’t think the other liked/loved the other)

    A thing I’ve discovered that has helped with us is being able to come up with things that are special and hold meaning to us ( Example: We are both wolf lovers/have the wolf as our spirit animal. Towards the beginning of the relationship she said that she missed me so much it hurt. I replied that’s why wolves howl, cause they miss their mates and love them . Ever since we’ll send each other messages at times with the word howl to let the other know we are thinking of them/miss/love them)

    Also it’s good to be happy when your partner gets out and does something they love. For me it’s writing/theater, for her it’s going to musicals/hanging with friends or going to a con ( uber jealous of the first and third. I haven’t lost my con virginity yet T_T) We both need time away from each other to reflect and be our own people plus it gives us something to talk about. I love it cause I know she’s happy and I like it when she’s happy.

    I agree on setting a goal to be together. For her and I it’s NYC. The moment one of us gets there within the next 1 or 2 years, the other will follow and join them.

    Awesome article as always.

  39. Thank God I’ve found this place! Feeling less like a crazy person. I’m currently in a LDR and I’m still ok with it but she seems to be distancing herself from me. I’ve been very open with her and she seems to be shutting me out. It’s hard not being able to discuss things in person but I love her and hopefully we can work through it.

  40. LInsay… have the same problem w/ my girl too… I mean we were sweeter than all candies in the world before.. not until the mid of jan. this year came… shes distancing her self from me and yhea… shes shutting me out every time im asking her about it… she sends excuses like.. shes bz in school… no time to communicate… no load..(you know what load is ryt? like a credit bal on your phone to make a call or to send message.)she don’t want me to call her (phone)… and guess what?.. last time I call her she rejected my call more than 10 times.. and when she pick it up.. >_____OO<

    -/\- please….

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  42. Being poly makes it so much easier to be in a LDR. It’s not that jealousy disappears, but it’s not really an issue. My primary partner and I are both in academia in the same field, so it’s unlikely that we’ll be in the same town anytime soon, but I love that we get to have our own separate lives. I resisted relationships for so long, but finding an open LDR one was perfect, because I get the best of both worlds.

  43. Looking for advice here. A lot of people have stressed how important it is to have an end date, a point at which a couple overcomes distance and manages to settle down in the same space. I recognize how huge of a difference that would make. I’m at the very beginning of a LDR—I think—and while I feel very emotionally connected to my partner, it feels intimidating to have such an incredibly serious conversation right off the bat. I have no qualms asking them to meet me mid-way for a vacation, but trying to plan out when this distance might be shelved for good seems a little overwhelming? Does anyone have any advice for navigating that discussion in the earliest stages of a relationship? For clarification, my partner and I have been friends for several years, but reconnected (strongly) within the last year. It is only now becoming apparent that we’re both interested in a romantic relationship with one another.

  44. This is still relevant. I’m looking at the start of a long-distance relationship right now, my girlfriend is moving back to New Mexico. Everything seems so up in the air as we try to make our respective plans and trying to figure out our relationship. I’m really happy for her, but I can’t deny that I’m definitely going to miss her. This is really good advice.

  45. Great article. Unfortunate I was at the other end. In other words, my girlfriend was the person flirting online, until she got flirted back and she started having a long distance relationship with a middle eastern woman. It was complicated alright.

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  47. I’ve been in one ldr and this didn’t work because she didn’t love me anymore -I think she never did at all- and it crashed my heart literally, I was so mad and sad and I couldn’t bear the thought of being without her texts or audios, random calls or pictures and it was just sad and nostalgic and people around me was like “But it was like you were never together because she lives there and you’re here” and that’s just stupid because we were in an actual relationship even if it was through distance, and some other people also said that how could I love her and I found it easy to reply because hoe I fell in love with her the same way you fell in love with your boyfriend, ignorant or oblivious people tend to question your feelings a lot and I was always sure of my feelings, but she was not lol. Now I am into something with someone and it’s so different, like it’s so nice when she always calls me by cute nicknames and talks to me first, or says that she wants to come here to hug me and kiss me and then I just figured out that my ex wasn’t into me at all lmao

  48. ______dr_mack @ yahoo . com ?✌☮ is a real helper! things are working out like magic! My lover is back with much love,

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