It is well-established that the vast majority of lesbian films are relatively insufferable. This doesn’t seem to stop the vast majority of lesbian films from receiving glowing reviews on amazon, but amid these peddlers of questionable evaluations there are many reviewers fighting for the truth (the truth = “THAT SUCKED”). You can also find these brave warriors in the review sections of universally poorly-rated lesbian films, where they were the only 1-star reviewers who got past the first ten minutes in order to write a really thorough negative review worth excerpting.
The following excerpts have been ripped mercilessly out of context from one-star reviews of various lesbian films.
1. “First of all, I want to go on record by saying that any individuals that actually thought this film was good in any way are definitely lost and delirious themselves.”
2. “You know the little video progress bar at the bottom? I kept checking it and thinking, “if there isn’t that much left, I might make it to the end.” I swear the thing was going backwards. The only reason I finished it is because I’m too OCD not to finish a movie. But this one tested my affliction.”
3. I AM NOT INTO SAME SEX MOVIES. GOOD EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN. THE BLOND WAS NOT AN ACTOR. THE BRUNETTE WAS IN OUTER SPACE
4. “We all thought it was going to be sexy and hot, but I’ve seen more action in a Miller Lite commercial.”
5. “I suppose the intention here was to create a movie mainly for the Lesbian population. You perhaps succeeded there but unfortunately I think you also succeeded in insulting our intelligence.”
6. “Amazon…can you refund the last hour and a half of my life, plus interest? I know; I shouldn’t blame you. You were just the messenger.”
7. “I think the director or writer went into an LSD trance halfway through”
8. “I’m not sure what the creators of this movie were trying to accomplish but, unless it was to make my ears cringe, I don’t think that they succeeded.”
9. “I could have told a better story with a slideshow in powerpoint.”
10. “It was like watching a very bad porno movie but never getting to the porn.”
12.”Imagine, for a moment, a really, REALLY bad Kenny G video (you know, soft focus filters, lots of hair, and entirely too much make-up. And that’s just on Kenny G). Then, throw in all of the worse-than-stilted acting from Claire of the Moon, heavy-handed music that’s a string arrangement from the stock “bow-wow-chikka-wow-wow!” groove of your typical porn flick, add a dash of “look, I can edit VHS!” skills and, voila! You have the basic ingredients of this 1980’s housewife’s Harlequinn Romance idea of “what lesbians do.”
13. “I hope these folks have day jobs, because they sure as hell can’t act, direct, write, produce. Maybe they can cook……..?”
14. “What’s next – lesbian versions of Das Experiment and The Princess and the Warrior? I can already see the titles now, Das Sexperiment and The Princess and The Princess.”
15. “Even if you hate chocolate, it’s still way better than this.”
16. “Want to watch a fat het man chain smoke? Want to watch a skinny gay girl sob? Want to watch them inexplicably, suddenly become best bffs? This is your flick.”
17. “The dialog was forced and way to grammatically correct.”
18. “Who wrote the plot? Cracked-out monkeys from outer space? Yo Gabba Gabba is more entertaining then this piece of trash! Only reason I gave it one star? There was no option for zero stars.”
18. “Why do some gay movies have to be so bad? I haven’t found an answer to that one yet, however I have a feeling that it’s a conspiracy. The Republicans are funding terrible gay movies to make the entire population straight!”
19. “If you can stand just killing time and watching a [horrible] movie, then go ahead. Heck, you can go to the john a few times, go out for some pizza, and even walk your dog. You won’t miss anything.”
20. “It was more like nude yoga or Cirque de Soliel than a passionate love story.”
21. “It looks like an infomercial broadcast at 2am for some new age guru who wants to help you find your twin flame.”
22. “I started to write a really bad review but then I remembered hearing a filmmaker once say, “even in the worst movie there is something good to be found there.” So, in keeping with that spirit, here is the good I found: the movie is only 40 min long. There you have it.”
23. I COULDNT WATCH IT. I PAID AND I TRAVEL FOR VACATION AND BEING THERE I COULD EVEN OPEN IT. WHEN I WAS BACK IT DIDNT APPEARED IN MY LIBRARY OR ANYTHING.
24. “This is a flick for teenage boys to get brief glimpses of French-speaking girls being partially naked.”
25. “I am sorry but I can’t abide by this. You are destroying our morality and you love it. You want to destroy our culture. That is what this is all about.”
26. “You’d think that a movie about a book that is promoting the vagina would show a few vaginas. Not here. There are a bunch of people talking about how women should not be ashamed of their vaginas, how beautiful vaginas are, and how no vagina looks the same; yet no vaginas. I thought the whole point was that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Seems ridiculous to me. What’s next? Will they produce a show about gardening, yet show no plants? Or maybe they’ll make a travel documentary about Italy, and just interview people from Utah who’ve been to Italy.”
27. “After watching quality lesbian films this was very disappointing. Bring back The L Word!”
17 is a GEM.
hands down my fave. i <3 irony
Yes! Ironic typo aside, this comment has a point. Why is this a thing? I’ve seen many a awkward, stilted conversation/monologue in lesbian movies. Is this what happens when the writer is too involved and doesn’t want any of their precious script changed in any way, or actors who can’t act naturally at all?
‘Or maybe they’ll make a travel documentary about Italy, and just interview people from Utah who’ve been to Italy.’
One star reviews renew my faith in humanity. Specifically its comic ability.
I laughed really loudly at 26 and now everyone in this coffee shop is looking at me. Clearly they don’t understand how wonderful Listlings Without Commentary are.
#25 – uh oh, I think they’re on to us, you guys.
Is 7 for Mulholland drive do we think? Also I need to see 3. A brunette in outer space…amazing. How does she communicate with the non acting blond?
A quick search says no its’ not Mulholland drive.
Ten bucks say it’s “Room in Rome”
Using my super-advanced investigative abilities (aka Google), I have learned that it is for “Running on Empty Dreams,” a 2010 film that I have never previously heard of.
“Want to watch a fat het man chain smoke? Want to watch a skinny gay girl sob? Want to watch them inexplicably, suddenly become best bffs? This is your flick.”
wait what? what film is this? ps if the activities were swapped…would watch 100 times.
I also need to know what 16 is…anyone. Bueller?
only slightly ashamed at the number of films I recognize by these scathing criticisms
also “THE BLOND WAS NOT AN ACTOR. THE BRUNETTE WAS IN OUTER SPACE.” sounds like the name of an art installation Bette Porter would have side-eyed
Number 15 had me chuckling.
And number 5 – I’m thinking Bar Girls, or Go Fish.
I think I have seen the majority of these films. And I’m glad I am not the only one that kept checking the little video progress bar at the bottom…
Yaaaas! I know this feeling.
“30 minutes left?!” *screams*
when I was a baby dyke I used to think Lost and Delirious was THE shit, even bought the dvd and all. Tried to watch it a couple of years ago and it’s terrible. What happened???
I was the same with Better Than Chocolate (probably #15)–I watched that movie religiously in high school. Tried to watch it again a year or two ago and couldn’t make it through the first twenty minutes. I chalk it up to the fact that I was so ravenous for queer women in media that I loved virtually anything I came across. Also because I had a huge crush on the main character.
Kudos to you for being able to watch Lost and Delirious more than once. That movie depressed me so much when I was 16 I still refuse to watch it.
Watched it recently and still love it.
I was like that with Imagine me & You. I would secretly watch it on Youtube, because a user had uploaded it in like 12 parts. But he/she had deleted part 9!
A forever a missing piece of my queer identity.
In the ext A+ Bee, can we please have the covers of all of these movies and play ‘match the review’?
yes!! I’d play :D
Yes! I would throw parties just to play “Match th Comment to the ____”
What happened to number 11? WHO KILLED NUMBER 11
11 is currently 18. Its a promotion, you should be happy for her.
SHH, that’s part of the conspiracy!
Number 11 clearly offed itself after a self-induced downward spiral into social-pariahness after the release (and subsequent movie adaptation) of its’ poorly disguised roman à clef in which it proverbially shat on numbers 1-27.
My girlfriend and I made a list of lesbian (or lesbian inclusive) films to marathon some day (PARTS of the list compiled with the help of Autostraddle lists, of course), and so far we’ve only been to watch three in a row until we give up completely.
At the moment I only wait for the community to give good reviews to movies before I go hunting for them.
I feel like they were talking about Blue is the warmest color lol.
“I suppose the intention here was to create a movie mainly for the Lesbian population. You perhaps succeeded there but unfortunately I think you also succeeded in insulting our intelligence.”
Not sure why I found this one to be very funny
I felt like they were talking about Blue for SO MANY of them. Especially the yoga one. Sadly, I googled it and they weren’t. Still accurate.
Why in the world would you think they were about Blue is the Warmest Color? That is one of the best reviewed films of the century and is arguably the finest film ever made about two women falling in love. Also any film that challenges the confining mindset which tries to narrow sex between women to a limited concept of two fingers and oral is a Godsend.
Well not everyone like yourself actually liked the movie because of numerous reasons. I really loved the movie but I just assumed they would be. Maybe because a man was the director?
Has any other great movie ever had such idiotic criticisms thrown at it?
That movie pissed me off. It wasn’t even in English, having to read subtitles is a good way to kill any movie.
What!! I thought the subtitles made it more amazing actually. I am a biased though because I love subtitles
most of the best lesbian movies are foreign though!
i feel so-so about blue is the warmest color specifically (and none of these reviews are from that film because although it’s not one of my favorites, i don’t think it qualifies as a “bad lesbian movie”), but seriously, if you skip subtitles, you’ll miss some of the best lesbian movies the world has ever seen.
“You know the little video progress bar at the bottom? I kept checking it and thinking, “if there isn’t that much left, I might make it to the end.” I swear the thing was going backwards. The only reason I finished it is because I’m too OCD not to finish a movie. But this one tested my affliction.”
This one has got to be Mango Kiss, right?
“The dialog was forced and way to grammatically correct.”
I love it when people who are pretentious about grammar make grammar mistakes.
Hmm, I didn’t read that commenter as being pretentious about grammar. If anything, it seemed like they were disgruntled with the pretentiousness of the grammar in the movie script, because it killed any possibility of realism in the dialogue. Also, looking at the two grammar ~mistakes~ in their comment, it’s likely that this commenter is dyslexic or that English is not their native language.
Riese’s fascination with hating Lost and Delirious got tired about 5 years ago.
Coincidentally, that was probably the last time I enjoyed the movie!
I accidentally plus-one’d this comment before I realized you were insulting me rather than affirming my real true feelings. Do you want to talk about how much I hate Love Actually instead
I am also angry about things tangentially related to the content of this article!
I tried so hard to like #20 (the movie, not the comment) and…it just never happened. I can’t. Not even for science.
It’s so bad. Why is it on every “best of” list?? I tried 3 times.
I tried to figure out what #27 is, but no dice, and google was no help. I too want to the L Word back, but what film brings this reaction, cause maybe it will really help bring the L Word back?
Also, whoever wrote #27 must have never seen the last season of the L Word, or they wouldn’t be THAT quick to say bring the L Word back.
This is the greatest thing I’ve read all week.
Thank youuuu. I used to work for a pretty big LGBT newspaper, and I reviewed a new lesbian movie once (can’t remember what it was — but it was terrible) and I was honest about how bad it was, and got attacked in the comments! People were like HOW DARE YOU THIS IS ALL WE HAVE.
10 – epic. made my day.
20 is the one about the aerialist, right? What’s it called? Because naked lesbian yoga Cirque du Soleil is basically my dream entertainment.
I thought for sure #22 was about Camp Belvidere, but it wasn’t. I actually couldn’t find any 1-star reviews for CB. Thankfully, a lot of the excerpts listed here apply to it anyway, and I can just pretend I’m not alone in hating it!
I thought it was “When Night Is Falling”… really boring film. My ex made me watch it and i kept being like “OK… so?”
I thought #20 was “When Night Is Falling”… really boring film. My ex made me watch it and i kept being like “OK… so?”
“THE BRUNETTE WAS IN OUTER SPACE” is so on brand for me that it’s probably going to be the new tagline for all of my social media.
GREAT JOB RIESE this was very funny.
I lost it at 18, because I’ve totally made comments like that to my friends. And to a certain extent, I think I actually believe it. At the very least, it wouldn’t surprise me one bit.
As someone who can’t stand being ripped off my money, I desperately want to reach out to #23 and help however I can.
12 made me laugh out loud. It is too true, and sadly, it happened, for a fashion, all over everywhere. Kenny G was the SHIZ for middle of the road folks who liked their white men long curly haired white puffy shirt wearing well groomed gentle playing whatever schlocky instrument he played. It was never a dream, people.
What I really find hilarious is the fact that if you’ve seen these films, you know exactly which film these 1 star reviews belong to. Very well deserved. I thought I was honestly the only one who saw how awful each and every one of these ‘films’ were.