Autostraddle’s expansive Vapid Fluff content is subject to a neverending news cycle. Every morning, before I so much as get out of bed, I scour multiple tabloid websites in search of potential queer-friendly gossip situations. Sometimes I strike gold — Kristen Stewart may be walking through an airport in casual outerwear, holding hands with a lady — and other times I skip through page after page of meaningless garbage, cursing the circumstances of my life which led me to this bizarre fate.
Being a celebrity means that every time you eat a sandwich next to someone, you’re getting married imminently, and every fashion choice you make is usually interpreted as a secret message to the person you dated anywhere from three to ten years ago. I have unwittingly learned the names of all of the Kardashians, and I’m a lot more up-to-date on Gwen Stefani’s relationship status than I’d like. Here are some of the most amazing headlines I’ve skimmed over as I searched for news of Samira Wiley, for the good of the people.
1.
Sounds plausible.
2.
Fair warning, there’s a lot of ass in these headlines and an awful lot of it comes from the Kardashian family.
3.
Well Charlotte McKinney, you’re just going to have to wait.
4.
Yikes.
5.
BIKINIMANIAAAAAAAA
6.
7
.
I wish they wouldn’t call the Kardashian family a Klan.
8.
SURPRISE
9.
Because she’s pregnant, get it?!?!? Stay classy, TMZ.
10.
That’s what she said.
11.
I didn’t know this was even possible, but they’ve done it.
12.
Please don’t.
13.
Paul McCartney, I like your style.
14.
15.
16.
17.
Journalism!!!
18.
The only way to cope.
19.
20.
21.
What a world we live in.
22.
23.
OK, I loved this one.
24.
25.
26.
Oh.
27.
…Oh.
28.
29.
30.
…Although that’s not an entirely terrible idea.
31.
32.
I would be embarrassed too.
33.
When the universe hands you a headline like this, who are you to deny it?
34.
That’s just like, your opinion, man.
35.
36.
Same.
37.
I don’t even remember what this one was about, I just relish every opportunity to tell Taylor Swift she sucks at something.
38.
“Get in line, Nick Loeb.” – Rachel
39.
…Again!!!
Stef I can’t wait to read the slack conversation that lead to this exceptional article
i actually have just been posting these every day as they happen; for example today it was
BLAC CHYNA
BIRTHDAY DRIPPING IN DIAMONDS
…AND ASS!
I feel like “….AND ASS!” Is the new “… In bed”.
blac chyna is my favorite famous person i don’t know, like i have no idea who she is but i know everything she does now. i’m really excited about her, whoever she is.
I have no explanation as to why, but I feel the exact same way. #teamblacchyna
this will be a camp workshop, somehow
I can’t believe that Britney Spears cheated on her sexy bikini by wearing a different sexy bikini in Hawaii!
And I’m kinda jealous of that giant bouncing water thing that Taylor Swift has.
Princess Charlotte likes it when Marvin’s whiskers tickle her face.
…don’t we all Charlotte. Don’t we all.
“Princess Charlotte likes it when Marvin’s whiskers tickle her face.”
Where do I even begin with this excellent sentence?
The things you do for us Stef…we’re grateful for your sacrifice.
I, too, have conquered the butt game
(what is the butt game)
(can I buy it from Hasbro)
I think it’s Parker Brothers has that game, while Milton-Bradley has the related game Junk in the Trunk.
If I remember rightly the John Cutback one is about his stalker
#4 — Is she smelling the rooms or the daughters?!
:-P
I THOUGHT THIS TOO
Me three
In-N-Out Burgers….Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY
THANKS CHIEF
Look, I just think that if we take into account the probable lack of transparency / price comparison opportunities in the black market organ trade, p much *everyone’s* body parts could be worth $70 million
Is there a filter or setting on my computer that can make it so I only see news items about Marvin the hamster and nothing else?
“Kristen Stewart… …may be getting married imminently”
As reported today on AS: you heard it here first folks.
Oh, I apologize, terrible re-reporting from me.
That should have been “Kristen Stewart may be… …getting married imminently”.
There, much more accurate.
The implied arson is both subtle and elegant.
“That’s not my IKEA range… its cabinets are too shiny”
(Kindergarten teacher/parents of small children associations)
stef I think maybe you are a genius
Decided to venture to pagesix.com. This was the first headline I clicked on:
Tommy Hilfiger’s daughter served him a silver tray of poop
Man, I’ve never been happier I’m not famous. *picks nose*
That Kylie Jenner one killed me. Like, what a tragedy!
“John Cusack: Woman Threatened to Curse My Penis”
it was me. Sorry Dobler.
This is the best thing I have seen in the past month and a half of awfulness in my life. I didn’t know I even remembered how to laugh that hard. Please make this a regular thing!