Listling Without Commentary: Rejected Liveblog Topics From My Personal Life

Liveblogging:

1. This bottle of wine

2. These eight cups of coffee

3. This bottle of wine, which cancelled those eight cups of coffee

4. What happens when you drop your cell phone into your glass and try to bring it back from the dead

5. The shouting match between the person with the guitar on the roof across from mine and the contractors trying to tar said roof

6. All of the feelings I’ve ever had about Tiger Beatdown

7. Rejections from job applications received between 1 and 4 pm this afternoon

8. My break-up conversation with my therapist

9. This really easy recipe that IS ON FIRE, WHERE IS THE EXTINGUISHER?!

10. A fire-drill held by my apartment building at 2 a.m., for no reason I can think of

11. Watching Buffy for the first time with a weird sense of cultural relevance

12. The phone call to my mother, informing her that I would not be getting a degree

13. The phone call to my mother, informing her that oops, I’m getting a degree after all, what is she doing next Thursday?

14. My girlfriend “meeting” my parents, for whom she used to work

15. Attempts made at teaching my elderly grandfather about computers, and why using the Google toolbar (one of eight!) to Google “Google” is not efficient

16. What happens when you leave a pot to boil on the stove, with no water in it, and forget it’s there

17. A conversation I had in line at the post office about sex toys, which were in the opened-by-customs package I was picking up, and the reaction of the nice lady who handed it/them to me

18. The progress of my sunburn

‘listicle without commentary’ concept inspired by / stolen from the awl.

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Ryan Yates

Ryan Yates was the NSFW Editor (2013–2018) and Literary Editor for Autostraddle.com, with bylines in Nylon, Refinery29, The Toast, Bitch, The Daily Beast, Jezebel, and elsewhere. They live in Los Angeles and also on twitter and instagram.

Ryan has written 1142 articles for us.

35 Comments

  3. a friend of mine has one of those military-grade phones, which means you can submerge it in a glass of water and it will still receive calls and be fine. sometimes he texts me from the shower, for fun.

  4. 15. Attempts made at teaching my elderly grandfather about computers, and why using the Google toolbar (one of eight!) to Google “Google” is not efficient

    What is it with old people and having like 27 toolbars on their web browser? I always just think you poor people, how has the world let this happen to you? The internet is confusing enough, you know, without trying to read everything in a 400 pixel tall window. #apple

    • It’s not even just old people, I have co-workers who have all those toolbars and will google facebook so they can click on the link rather than type it in the address bar

    • People don’t pay attention when they install shit, so those programs that try to sneak in horrible toolbars actually get away with it. Annoying as hell when you’re unofficially tech support for your family.

  5. #16- large black circular mark on the fake tile floor because it popped off the stove. That will never come out.

    but I guess you know that.

    • Or you don’t notice the stove is still on and lift the pot up, and the bottom part of it stays on the burner, and you get this weird not-actually-molten-metal-but-looks-like-it stuff everywhere.

      …It’s good to know I’m not the only one who has done this.

      • At least you didn’t leave oil in it, because that is a recipe for disaster, trust me I’ve made that mistake..

        • My sister, who is also named Emy, has also made this mistake.
          You don’t want your house to fill with smoke.. Literally a wall of smoke hit me when I opened my door on the second floor, with the kitchen on the first floor.

          • at least you know your door is somewhat smoke-proof.

            i now realize ‘airtight’ is the right way to say that, but smoke-proof seems somehow slightly more impressive.

  7. I would actually love to read a liveblog of someone watching Buffy for the first time. I think that would be fascinating…

      • A few of the things I have never watched that people always freak out on me about:

        Buffy
        Xena, warrior princess
        none of the star wars (but I have seen spaceballs)
        the goonies

        either kill me or come watch with me and help me write a blog about it! =) (please choose the latter)

        • Buffy is the most time consuming, but most important, of all of those. Hop to it.

        • Watch Buffy/Angel. Around season four of Buffy you can start watching Angel for crossovers – there’s a few lists around that put the episodes in viewing order.

    • I would totally read that too! I really liked reading the Mark Watches blog as he watched ‘Firefly’ and ‘Doctor Who’ for the first time and it was delightful.

    • Um, as someone who had an unfortunately sheltered childhood, I’ve never seen Buffy. I am bracing for shouts of anger, but I know I really SHOULD see it, so does that count? I could do this liveblog thing then.

  8. 1. This bottle of wine
    THE OTHER TOPICS ARE BETTER
    2. These eight cups of coffee
    SOMETHING ON YOUR MIND, DEARY?
    5. The shouting match between the person with the guitar on the roof across from mine and the contractors trying to tar said roof
    WHO WON
    7. Rejections from job applications received between 1 and 4 pm this afternoon
    DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT
    8. My break-up conversation with my therapist
    WHAT WAS SAID
    9. This really easy recipe that IS ON FIRE, WHERE IS THE EXTINGUISHER?!
    DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT
    10. A fire-drill held by my apartment building at 2 a.m., for no reason I can think of
    NEVER LIVED IN AN APT. WITH A FIRE DRILL
    11. Watching Buffy for the first time with a weird sense of cultural relevance
    NEVER SEEN IT
    14. My girlfriend “meeting” my parents, for whom she used to work
    DOING WHAT
    16. What happens when you leave a pot to boil on the stove, with no water in it, and forget it’s there
    L7 SAID “THE FRYING PAN IS RED”
    17. A conversation I had in line at the post office about sex toys, which were in the opened-by-customs package I was picking up, and the reaction of the nice lady who handed it/them to me
    WHAT WAS SAID
    18. The progress of my sunburn
    DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT

  9. 15 is me at least once a week. also, i made the mistake of turning his monitor off the other day. he couldn’t figure out why the computer wouldn’t come on, so he loaded the whole damn thing up and took it to office depot to see if they could fix it.

  10. 10. This is clearly a ruse on behalf of your landlords to get you to run outside in your pajamas/lack thereof.

  11. “15. Attempts made at teaching my elderly grandfather about computers, and why using the Google toolbar (one of eight!) to Google “Google” is not efficient”

    Not only is it inefficient but extremely dangerous! everyone knows that it you google google you CAN break the internet. (see below)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2FMqtC1x9Y

  12. re: 4 PUT IT IN UNCOOKED RICE like right away

    also what was the recipe? easy recipes are for meeeee um unless they set my building on fire

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