Hello and welcome to this recap of Legends of Tomorrow Episode 613 aka the One Where Mick Gives Birth Through His Noseholes.

We pick up where we left off, with Sara looking shocked and a little angry to see an all-too-familiar face. Sara grabs a knife smoothly off a table as she walks by and confronts Bishop face to face. He doesn’t want to fight her though; he wants to answer her questions. He promises he’s the last version of himself he’s able to print because of her explosion, but she’s not keen to trust him; he kidnapped her, manipulated her. He swears he’s changed, and wants to prove it, wants to fit into this band of misfits. She decides he’ll fit best in the holding cell instead.

“Remember when Damien Darhk was a blight on this show and we couldn’t get rid of him and everyone hated it? Don’t be like Damien Darhk.”

More Legends gather round to get a look at the man who kidnapped their captain. He’s different than they expected; maybe a little less of a brute than they were imagining. He smarmily smiles at the team, he knows them to some extent, especially Ava. He’s known many Avas, but this is THE Ava.

LISTEN. I’ve met Jes Macallan. Jes Macallan is tall. Olivia Swann TOWERING over her?? I know it’s probably partly because of shoes but I am LIVING for it.

He wants to chit chat but Sara ignores him. She has everyone leave except Spooner, who is given permission to laser beam him on sight if he does anything untoward.

He promises he’s not going to try to escape, but the ladies aren’t about to take this skeeze at his word.

I love this big sister, little sister vibe these two are starting to develop.

Ava wants to try to get in his head and find out why he’s really here, what he really wants. She thinks she can do it; he sort of made her. He sort of made Sara, too. They’re like the Adam and Eve of clones, made in his image. Sara is worried about leaving Ava alone with him, but she begs her so Sara allows it. Ava is thrilled.

“Gonna channel my inner Anna Torv and Mindhunter the hell out of this.”

Then we go to Constantine, who is on his own show, which I hope gets cancelled much like the actual Constantine show. Luckily, Fancy Zari is realizing what we’ve known all along: that she deserves better. He feeds her more reassurances, more lies, and Zari is, quite frankly, over it.

Maybe if we get rid of Constantine we can afford to greenscreen both Zaris into more scenes together.

Zari goes to Astra to try to get a truth serum or some way to get Constantine to tell her what really happened when he went to drink from that magic fountain and why he came back wrong. Astra says that she’s not the one who can help her here; Spooner was with him, why don’t we start there?

Sara and Nate watch a live feed while Ava chats with Bishop. He says some true things, about how this Ava is special, about how Sara was on a planet of Avas but turned the universe upside down just to get back to HER Ava. Ava starts to walk away and keeps him hungry for more conversation, playing him like a fiddle.

I still want to listen to an episode of Ava’s true crime podcast.

Sara is so proud.

Bishop admits he’s a narcissist and says that Ava and Sara are the closest things he has to family because of the clone connection. He says Ava’s model was always his favorite; she rolls his eyes and echoes her archetype: Bossy Ava. But he says he wanted it to be Boss Ava. Marketing changed it to Bossy. He also considers her, specifically, to be a bit of a marvel. Clones weren’t meant to be able to fall in love. Bad for business.

Ava uses this to her advantage, claiming maybe that’s why she’s having a hard time picking details for the wedding. He offers to help, and when she starts to leave, he offers her something else in addition: he can help deliver Mick’s babies safely, so they don’t eat his brain.

“And…getting his brain eaten…would be…bad? Right right of course bad, horrible, no we don’t want that. Of course…”

The team follows the recipe for a nutrient smoothie for the fetii and Sara ends up eating some because it tastes good to her alien taste buds, the way banana baby food tastes good to some adults. This grosses Ava out and I bet she wishes she’d go back to mainlining cherries.

Zari and Astra find Spooner and ask her about the trip to the fountain, but as Spooner goes through it, she realizes there’s a sizable gap in her memory. A blank space, a dropoff. They realize that Constantine fucked with her memory and are furious, but Astra says she can help; unlike Constantine though, she will require Spooner’s consent.

Even the literal queen of hell knows more about consent and respecting women than Constantine.

They give Ava Spooner’s laser gun and leave her to guard him as they go sort this out.

Bishop was eavesdropping and wants to help Constantine, but Ava rejects his offer.

Sara and Nate, appropriately, play chess while they watch Ava play Bishop and wait for Gideon to finish her scan of his DNA. Nate wants to bet that Ava figures out what Bishop is up to before the can is through, but Sara never bets against her girl.

Ava brings Bishop her wedding binder and realizes she likes cacti and the color grey and doesn’t understand the concept of appetizers. She asks why Bishop made her so weird.

Me @ the universe every time I love a show everyone hates or vice versa.

He says that she’s her own person now, that her life is her own. He set the ball rolling, but she forged her own path.

She smiles and thanks him for his help.

Jes Macallan really brought her best face game to this episode. A+ work all around.

Softened, he admits he’s been cloned over 200 times, tweaking each time, tinkering, in the hopes of improving. Ava asks how this version of him is different from the one Sara met, and he says it’s humility, but from where she sits listening in, Sara doesn’t believe him.

Astra, having received the necessary consent, does some magic on Spooner to try to recover her memories. Spooner biting down on a belt while Astra cast a spell on her did nothing to quell my Spatula ship.

“Weird I thought I saw a ‘I wish Astra was here’ memory mixed in with the missing Spain stuff…”

Spooner remembers everything, and tells them about how he didn’t drink from the fountain, and that his magic returning is from a little vial he drank.

Zari is ready to storm off and break up with her “lying dumpster fire of a boyfriend” on the spot; if he was lying about that, who knows what else he was lying about. Who knows if he’s dangerous. But Astra has grown to love these gals,and knows just how dangerous an off-script Constantine could be, so she doesn’t want Zari to go face him alone.

THIS is character growth. Astra is the perfect example of how they can take a flawed character, a ‘villain’ even, and fold her into the team. Whatever they’re doing with Constantine ain’t it.

Bishop gives Ava some wedding advice, including some music that he asks her to do a father-daughter dance to. He knows Sara is watching so Ava shuts off the feed, but Sara isn’t worried; she trusts her girl. Ava likes the song Bishop picked, and says it makes her want to smile and cry at the same time. She asks him if he designed her that way, and he asks why it matters. Whether she was programmed to feel them or not, she feels them all the same, so how is that different from anyone else’s?

Next page: Love is not a lie! (And Beat Constantine blah blah I don’t care.)

It’s not the answer she wanted, so she excuses herself from the room, and breaks down in the hallway. She tugs at the turtleneck that suddenly feels like a prison, she presses her hand against her chest and feels her heart beating too fast, her lungs gasping for air. How much of her is real?

:Dawn Summers voice: Am I real? Am I anything?

Sara finds Ava to try to compliment her on her work and tell her that Bishop is 100% human, but she notices that Ava is going through it. Ava pulls herself together and says that she thinks Bishop does genuinely want to get to know them, that he does consider them family since he has no one else. She says not everyone has a family in a way that sounds like she understands what that feels like too well.

“Momma never told me how to love, Daddy never told me how to feel. Momma never told me how to touch, Daddy never showed me how to heal.”

Zari goes to see Constantine, plays him a little, tells him to go get cleaned up, but as soon as he does, she swipes his flask and takes it back to Astra so she can identify it. Astra says the liquid inside is blood. It’s called the Scarlet Lady and it’s volatile, dark magic. And if he’s not careful, it will kill him.

Constantine, realizing his flask is gone, storms onto the Waverider and starts yelling at the women.

Honestly I’m not surprised Zari didn’t notice he was changing; he’s always been a dick. No one is even surprised he’s yelling at these women for literally no reason.

Zari tells him to choose between her and the blood and at first he grabs the flask without any hesitation, but when he thinks better of it and throws it away and promises he’ll quit, she softens and offers to help. She apparently has never heard that getting clean for another person never sticks; they have to want to get clean for themselves.

Sara apologizes to Ava about putting her through that conversation with Bishop, but Ava says it was her idea. Sara also apologizes for pushing the wedding stuff, she genuinely thought that’s what Ava wanted; but Ava thought she wanted that, too. It was distracting, it was a tangible thing she could focus on. Thinking about the wedding was easy; thinking about marriage was harder. She didn’t have any real examples of a happy marriage, since her parents were hired actors she never even saw kiss. She never had anyone love her like Sara does, she never had a family before, and she’s afraid it’s too late for her to learn.

Hey fun fact, Ava, your parents don’t have to be hired actors to be bad at setting examples of how to love and be loved.

Sara is baffled by this thinking. She reassures Ava that she doesn’t have to learn how to love, she knows love. She IS love. She almost burnt the whole timeline down to get Sara back. Sara puts her hand on Ava’s heart and says that Ava made herself into who she is. It doesn’t matter how she was made, she made herself into who she is now. She’s the most intelligent, fun, loving person Sara has ever met.

“Well, I hope you know how proud I am you were created.”

Ava says, “I love you,” realizing it’s the truest thing she knows, realizing Sara’s right. She pulls her fiancée into a tight hug.

Sara asks to see the updated wedding plans and loves everything Ava chose; as Sara points out her favorite parts and Ava realizes they were all suggestions Bishop made, Ava double-checks with Gideon what she feared to be true: Bishop’s missing 6% was filled with Sara’s DNA.

He took a DNA test, turns out he’s only 6% that bitch after all.

And so, when Bishop says the code, Gideon recognizes him as one of her captains and releases him from his hex cage.

Gary had told Mick that he would give birth through his ears, and his labor would last about two weeks, but things seem to be progressing much faster than that. Bishop starts locking down hallways as he stalks his way toward the med bay, but Sara intervenes and is ready to fight him.

“It’s a fighting pose. You are such a poser.”

The problem is, she’s fighting someone who knows all her moves. He tries to talk to her about destiny but he’s barking up the wrong paragon so she’s not listening. But he gets his hands on a laser gun and shoots her and makes his way to the med bay.

By the time Sara heals up and gets to the med bay though, she’s locked out.

Bishop starts making a meal out of delivering the babies, and ends up having to deliver them through Mick’s nose, which is 100x worse, in my personal opinion.

The Legends get Spooner and her big ass gun to help.

I bet Spooner was very sad she didn’t get to laser beam that bad boi open.

But before they can break down the door, it opens, and Bishop pushes out an incubator with little alien pods in it.

Sara ruefully thanks Bishop for his help, and he kindly offers to go back to his cell. As the captains lock him back up, he apologizes…sort of. He says he forgot what it meant to be a friend and is willing to work to earn back their trust. The captains are rightfully wary.

Shout out to director Nico Sachse for putting so many great shots of ladies in frame together into this episode.

And though it will take them a little longer to realize it, we see him go back on his word immediately, as he grins at the comm he stole from Mick.

Fancy Zari goes to confront Constantine, tells him why he liked him, explains how it has nothing to do with his magic.

Bless Tala Ashe for being like, “Shove me in a mediocre storyline all you want, I’m going to deliver an Emmy-worthy performance anyway.”

But he’s lied to her so much; she wants to support him but it’s hard to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. As she leaves him to consider this, Bishop talks to Constantine through his newly acquired comm, and offers to help Constantine get his magic back. Constantine throws the comm away but then Beast Constantine shows up and starts to fight himself. My notes for this scene read, “He fights himself. I just don’t care.” And it’s true. I’m hoping this is all ramping up to him leaving the team for good, but even if it is, it’s infuriating. As I’ve said before, the whole charm of this show is the true ensemble nature of it, and how it USUALLY centers the women with the guys just being comedic sidekicks. But Constantine’s whole deal is too dark for the vibe of the show and too independent of everyone else’s story. He always resisted being part of the team, so his personal struggles simply aren’t interesting to me and I’m furious that Fancy Zari is wrapped up in it.

Back on the ship, Sara is drinking more of the baby smoothies and Gary smells it and realizes it’s why Mick gave birth so fast. Sara is immediately suspicious of why Bishop would have induced labor, and they quickly put together that he stole a comm.

I’m not really sure what they’re going to do with him since they don’t have the cells at the Time Bureau anymore…Maybe they can take him to Gotham and send him to Arkham? Say hi to Ryan?

And apparently Beast Constantine won the fight I stopped paying attention to, because the episode ends with an even smarmier than usual Constantine reaching out out to Bishop, willing to accept his help.

I can’t believe we’re almost out of episodes for the season! I feel like it went by so fast. Hopefully we get a successful marriage by the end of it, even if the wedding doesn’t exactly go off without a hitch. Next week, Maisie Richardson-Sellers (aka CHARLIE) directs! See you then.

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