Previously on Legends of Tomorrow, Zari and Nate had secret crushes on each other that came out of nowhere but we’re leaning into it now, Mick was secretly the popular romance novelist Rebecca Silver, Nora slipped into a coma after fighting Neron, and Ray was possessed by that very same demon.

The cold open takes place in 1933 in the arctic wasteland, where a man brings his boss a golden egg in a giant ice cube. (More like a COLDen egg amiright? GET IT? Eh hem.) Anyway the bossman was very excited about it.

Back in the present, Sara and Zari lead a mummy through the Time Bureau, very proud of some adventure we didn’t get to see. You see, their jobs have been a bit easier without Neron/Hank on their tails. Ava is pleased with this development, because that means Sara doesn’t have to miss Book Club.

I think Sara’s been giving Ava smirking lessons.

Sara does her level best to feign excitement about this fact but you can tell she’s putting on a brave face because they JUST survived Purgatory together, so she can suffer through one more tiny hell.

Nate comes to collect the mummy and he and Zari awkwardly… flirt? I want to say they’re trying to flirt. But really all they’re doing is exchanging dad jokes and making me uncomfortable. Sara and Ava are with me on this one.

This is why I can’t watch shows with too much second-hand embarrassment.

Sara pulls Zari aside to ask her what the hell is going on with all the awkward, and says that maybe it would help if she just jumped his bones, but Zari is worried about making it weird. Sara gives her the kind of encouragement she gave Sara re: Ava and tells her to go outside her comfort zone. Take a chance on love. Like how Sara’s gonna take a chance on love and read a 500 page trashy novel.

“I was literally feral and I found a way to open my heart back up to love, you can, too.”

Anyway, Sara considers herself a relationship expert now that she’s had one (1) successful relationship and is pretty confident in her advice to Zari.

When Ray comes to visit the comatose Nora in her containment cell turned hospital room, Mona is reading Rebecca Silver to her. Mona leaves Ray to be with his girl, but while Ray is talking to her all sweet, one of his hands tries to smother Nora like he’s in a 90s movie co-starring Seth Green.

Ray escapes to a bathroom to try to figure out what the heck is going on when Neron confronts him via his own reflection. Neron is trying to take over his body, and Ray is going to have to fight his inner demons with all his might, because Neron is going to make Ray kill someone he loves so Neron can easily have his soul.

Ray runs off to hide from everyone he loves to protect them, and on the way he bumps Charlie in to Mick, who sees some of Mick’s Rebeca Silver fanmail. She sees one invite offering him $20k to go to a romance novel convention and offers to be the face of Rebecca Silver so they can cash in.

Can’t think of a better face.

Elsewhere on the Waverider, Sara settles in to start reading the book for the book club that is later that very day (which is #relatable) and is more than happy to get interrupted by a call about some mystical mayhem. The team goes to the Bureau where Ava debriefs them about some shenanigans going on at the Adventure Society in New York in 1933.

Sara decides to pair up Nate and Zari for this mission; Ava is unsure about this decision but Sara is very proud of herself as she sends them off. A shipper at heart, that captain of ours. After they’re gone, Sara and Ava take bets on whether or not they’ll hook up on the mission, because Ava is getting more of a friend vibe.

I know that this isn’t how The Internet debates ships and pairings, but it’s how my friends and I do.

Nate feels weird going on a mission alone with Zari so he tries to invite his best bud Ray, but Ray is too busy fighting off the demon inside him to come out and play. And in fact even in their short interactions, Ray almost hugs Nate to death, so Ray quickly scurries away.

Ready for Romanticon (because they truly do have a con for everything), Charlie is dressed up as Rebecca Silver, with Mick adding a pair of glasses for the finishing touch.

Zari comes to ask Charlie aka the Ray to her Nate if she’ll come with her on this mission, but Charlie is pretty dedicated to this con (pun intended) and besides, Sara left Zari a sexy number to wear on her date with Nate. So apparently Charlie was poking around Zari’s room…Noted.

“Wanna go to the desert with me? You can keep your boots on.”

Anyway, Zari and Nate go to the Adventure Society and Nate realizes that Sara totally set them up in an Indiana Jones scenario, what with the Adventure Society and the outfits and the character names. Zari tries to brush off the idea that it’s the perfect date setup but Nate is kind of into it.

Because he has eyes. That are seeing this.

Meanwhile in Seattle, Charlie and Mick show up to Romanticon as Rebecca Silver and her bodyguard, much to the delight of Con Organizer Tammy. Charlie is kind of flippant with Tammy, insulting con goers and superfans, so when Tammy is gone, Mick says he’s going to train Charlie how to be the best Rebecca Silver she can be.

In one of the best procrastination montages I’ve ever seen, Sara tries really hard to get into reading a book, but our ex-assassin has never been very good at just sitting still and relaxing. So when lighting a candle and settling in doesn’t work, she decides to try listening to it as an audiobook on the treadmill…at 2x speed. Which is a fucking mood and is how I listen to a lot of podcasts because a) there’s so much content to consume b) my brain moves too fast for how slowly some people talk. But eventually she hears something that intrigues her and moves it down to 1.5x speed, which is ALSO a fucking mood, and I can’t recommend this enough. (Note: scripted and musical podcasts should be listened to at their intended speeds, in my humble generally-pro-speed opinion.)

Oh also did I mention Sara is ON THE TREADMILL.

(gif credit and cause of our collective deaths goes to actual legend @CloneNic)

Great okay.

When we check back in on Zari and Nate, they spot the golden egg, realize it’s their target, and bank heist their way to the egg. But when Nate tosses the egg back to Zari…it breaks. It’s a fake. Zari thinks maybe this whole THING is fake, and Nate admits that this is really right out of a movie, all they need is Nazis, and sure enough, who walks through the door but some fucking Nazis.

I’m not sure what exactly I was expecting, but when Sara shows up to Book Club, and it’s just the Containment Crew of Ava, Nora, and Mona, I got very emotional. And just when I thought I was past the moment of nostalgia, Ava goes ahead and gives Nora a glass of wine and clinks their glasses together EVEN THOUGH NORA IS UNCONSCIOUS.

Please pour me a glass of wine and toast me at my funeral.

Mona finds out about Rebecca Silver’s reveal at RomantiCon because apparently no one told her about Mick’s hobby, so Ava and Sara amusedly let her go find out the truth on her own. Sara is still down to talk about the book with Ava, and when Ava admits that she didn’t read the book, Sara goes into FULL POUT MODE.

ADORABLE ASSASSIN

Ava admits she usually just comes for the wine and Mona carries the conversation, and when she sees that Sara actually ended up enjoying the book, Ava says she can still tell her about it. Sara almost resists but then is overwhelmed with the urge to talk about it, so she starts to go on about how she thinks the dogwalker was the real killer because he was ignored and abused at every turn.

Me trying to explain the plot of this show to people who don’t watch.

Ray is in his lab on the Waverider trying to cure himself of his possession but being thwarted by Neron at every turn. He calls Gary, who Garys around until he eventually Garys into an actual solution.

But since he’s Gary before he can actually do anything he just gets attacked.

Back in the Indiana Jones movie, Zari and Nate are tied to a chair and convinced that this entire thing has been orchestrated by Sara. They’re over it though so they yell to the escape room organizer that they’re ready to be let out but when Sara hears them over the comms she’s Very Concerned because while she was using it to her shipping advantage, she absolutely did not plan this mission.

Me, to me, when I hit “confirm” on an impulse buy.

So Zari takes things into her own hands and uses her wind powers we always forget about to spin them around and activate Nate’s underused metal powers and by the time Ava and Sara swoop in to save the day, the Nazis have already been defeated. Sara is not surprised that her very capable team is safe and sound, and her and Ava “bicker” about whether or not Nate and Zari were about to kiss before they showed up.

I know they’re trying to be supportive but it’s a lot of pressure when your friends try to set you up!

Nate is worried about Ray and everyone’s worried about the real egg so they split up to continue solving the mysteries.

Zari gives Sara and Ava the rundown and when she mentions the assistant who is getting snapped at left and right, Sara is inspired by the book she read and knows the assistant must have done it.

If Sara liked that garbage so much, I can’t wait til she reads LITERALLY ANY OTHER BOOK.

On the Waverider, Ray’s hand is going kind of bonkers but Ray confesses that he thinks Gary is safe because as much as he likes the lil guy…he doesn’t love him enough to kill him. Which breaks Gary’s heart a bit, and leaves a crack big enough for Neron to slip in with his whispers of doubt.

At Romanticon, Mick coaches Charlie, and when she realizes that he actually responds to his fans and that this isn’t a game to him, she starts to take it seriously and answers the questions at the panel to the best of her ability.

Catch me shouting IT WAS A METAPHOR every time someone tells me something I said or wrote doesn’t make sense.

When Mona gets to the panel and sees Charlie up there, for some reason, instead of trying to signal to her friend and teammate, or waiting til after the panel to confront her friend and teammate, she becomes the reason I hate audience questions at cons and first asked a pointed trap of a question, and then just starts shouting at Charlie, inciting a “where’s the real Rebecca” chant because she didn’t like Charlie’s answer.

So Mick comes out to shut everyone out, talking surprisingly eloquently about human connection, then coming out as Rebecca Silver. Mona knows that THIS friend is not lying and leads the crowd in a cheer for the real Rebecca Silver. But like…I’m still mad at her for being a jerk to Charlie so publicly when she was just trying to help her friend. Albeit partially for the 20 grand.

Constantine finally reappears at the Time Bureau, having successfully travelled to Mystic Falls for a phoenix feather, and does a spell to wake Mona up. She uses her first post-coma words to tell him that they need to save Ray because Neron has possessed him.

“Where did you put that wine Ava poured for me?”

Unfortunately Nate doesn’t get this message in time, because he goes in to check on his Time Bro and gets himself attacked. And as it’s happening, he doesn’t get mad or yell, he’s just confused and hurt. Eventually Ray realizes that he can’t fight Neron enough to stop him from hurting Nate, so Ray promises to give in if he leaves Nate alone. So Neron takes over Ray, and to his credit, keeps his word and leaves Nate, unconscious on the floor, but alive.

Back at the Adventure Society, Sara, Ava and Zari find themselves (and the Golden Egg now in their possession) facing off with the Nazis.

Being a Woman on the Internet: A Tableau

The three ladies fight with whips and cool moves and it made me think of the time some idiot said (honestly it might have been Spielberg) that if they did a female Indiana Jones they’d have to rename it something like Indiana James which is incredibly stupid because a) Jones is his last name and b) Indiana was a nickname and also is pretty gender-neutral as far as names goes. Anyway, I really appreciated this Indiana Jones homage featuring three women, especially because when I was in 6th grade I went over my softball coach’s daughter’s house and watched all the Indiana Jones movies with her and was internally panicking about it the whole time because, in retrospect, I had a big lesbian crush on her. So Indiana Jones is gay culture in my heart.

Also all this whipping gave Sara and idea for date night, and also a million writers ideas for Avalance fanfics.

:whip noise: :sound of gays dying:

Back on the Waverider, Constantine confronts the Neron-possessed Ray but Neron uses Gary’s doubts to his advantage, reminds him of all the times the Legends have treated him like their annoying kid brother. He gives Gary the gift of his nipple as a symbol of the things he’s lost since meeting Constantine, and when he puts the evil nipple back on his body, he says he feels whole. Which makes me wonder how Gary game to be with the Time Bureau in the first place. Was he evil and they extracted his evil and mind-wiped him to make the hapless Gary we know today? And that’s why he feels whole now? Or am I reading too much into this and Gary’s just possessed by Neron’s evil nipple? Either way, I love this show and I love that these are sentences I can legitimately write.

Neron-in-Ray’s-body and Evil Gary lock hands and poof out, taking the unconscious Constantine with them.

The ladies come back from their eggventure, and at first think it’s just a regular day, so they continue to rag on Zari for being brave in the field but not with her heart.

Zari casually holding a giant golden egg is a great snapshot of this show.

But then Nate stumbles in and tells them Neron got Ray and all their fun and games come to an end.

I feel like she’s going to get swooped up by King Kong.

When the rest of the team returns to the Waverider, they find Sara there, pouring herself a drink.

I’ve just decided I need a crystal whiskey decanter.

She steels herself and prepares to tell them that someone has kicked and kidnapped their puppy and is training him for the dogfights.

The only way I will be accepting bad news from now on.

Ava goes to check on Nora, who’s mostly just worried about Ray, and Ava says that if they’re going to defeat Neron, they need Nora’s help. Legitimately. Ava trusts her completely and knows she’s the only one with the power to do it, so she offers Nora an official position at the Time Bureau. Nora is ready to fight.

Welcome to the team, Agent Darhk. Suit up.

Nate is also worried about Ray when Zari comes in to check on him, and as they’re talking and doing absolutely nothing else with their mouths, they hear the golden egg start to hatch. They have Gideon scan it to see what kind of egg it is and she gives them the best answer we could have hoped for: IT’S A DRAGON.

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