Everybody’s favorite real-life Shane Kristen Stewart turned quite a few heads this morning (mostly the heads of paparazzi who don’t have a lot else going on) when she was seen leaving the home of her former paramour (and in this reporter’s opinion, One True Love) Alicia Cargile. Depending on who you talk to, this is or isn’t a huge deal – I mean, you leave buildings all the time, right? Who knows who lives there? Maybe it’s your ex, maybe it’s your uncle, maybe it’s the post office, who can really say? The ever-classy Daily Mail made sure to note that Victoria’s Secret model and apparent famous person Stella Maxwell (who has been dating Stewart for the better part of the last few months) was nowhere to be seen, a sure sign that the pair are headed for trouble, despite Kristen literally risking her life to take a good picture of Stella as recently as May 31st. While Maxwell and Stewart are reportedly shacking up in Stewart’s Los Feliz home, the two have not been photographed together in at least a week (which is six months in celesbian time). Everybody knows a lesbian couple cannot spend more than three hours apart without breaking up.
Most glaringly, Stewart was seen leaving Cargile’s home in the same outfit she had been wearing the day before, as she had been photographed pumping gas.
photos via Backgrid/JustJared
The star has also been recently seen roaming Los Angeles, running errands, having apparently “adapted her look perfectly to her peroxide blonde buzzcut” (whatever that means). What conclusions can we draw from this information? Well, it depends who you ask:
- Kristen and Alicia are definitely sleeping together and Stella is OVER
- Kristen and Stella are open or whatever and it doesn’t matter what Kristen does
- Kristen and Alicia are mature friends who crash at each other’s houses sometimes, and last night Alicia did Kristen’s roots while they watched Netflix and ate Cheetos
- Kristen got lost on the way home from Lassen’s and was staying at an Airbnb that just happened to be in Alicia’s building
- Kristen’s entire wardrobe consists of identical outfits, like Daria:
Draw your own conclusions. I for one have missed these two together. Have you ever visited your ex-girlfriend’s home for reasons that may seem mysterious to people who have no real cause to observe your life? What were you doing? Tell me about it.
Another possibility is that when Kristen and Alicia are in the same vicinity it warps the time/space fabric of the universe. Kristen was really only at her house for a few moments, but for us it was the next day.
…THIS IS FINE STEF; I WAS NOT PLANNING TO BE PRODUCTIVE TODAY.
STEF, I have a theory that Kristen Stewart and Linda McCartney are/were inhabited by the same spirit, a creative animus that particularly excels at music video drag performances. Witness:
Those hair situations, outfit color schemes, and propensities for pointing cannot be a coincidence. Please investigate! The world really needs someone to get to the bottom of this.
Further source material: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnHu-WLvY5U, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Irvcf6dCk-k
Me for the rest of the day
wow super weird i definitely have not been wearing the same outfit for three days
ME NEITHER THIS IS FINE
i LOLed at this
I have, but let us not speak of this.
I love that this comment was posted by the new fashion editor
YOU KNOW WHAT
Dammmit Shanesten! There goes my day…
Such a great article!! :o) Make me laugh hard :o)
“…seen leaving the home of her former paramour (and in this reporter’s opinion, One True Love)”
SAME. I’m still holding out hope for a reunion (not that I’m invested or anything, nope not at all).
I miss Alicia’s old emo tweets.
I have no idea if this means they’re back together, but I do know that only a One True Love holds your Vans at Cannes
I concur!
How is there not a lesbian indie band called Vans at Cannes yet
Omg YES, Alice would bring Dana Fairbanks to see them for sure.
Are we sure these crazy kids don’t just spin the bottle every week to see who’s gonna be with whom?
Or who sleeps at who’s house to keep the Lesbians on their toes and the paparazzi confused.
I’m just glad they’re not walking each other’s dogs..imagine what would happen then!
“walking” each other’s “dogs”
O_O
I miss them together tbh but like WHAT IS HAPPENING
you know, I’ve been trying to adapt my look to match my side shave but also have no idea what that means, so if you figure it out, lemmeknow
didn’t realize i needed this til i read it, thank you
my money is on: cat-sitting for her ex. gay.
INTERESTING THEORY except alicia was also seen leaving the premises.
well i guess we can cross this one off our lists.
Depends which cat she was sitting…
Kristen and Stella were together on saturday (saw it on one of her friends instagrams, don’t judge lol) and these are from sunday so i don’t think this means anything tbh. Hopefully they can be friends tho and get coffee every 5 months
You left out the most plausible option:
The paps lied about the date and she didn’t stay over. They made a lot of hoopla over that backpack as proof she spent the night, but then why would she not have a change of clothes? They just bank on readers being gullible, and they are right.
Stella was in town when this happened and flew out Sunday night for work. You will see them together soon.
It’s alright, we won’t blow your cover “nell”, *wink* *wink*.
“but then why would she not have a change of clothes?”
Because there wasn’t enough room with all the sex toys, obviously
stef this is exactly the kind of content we need in the world today
please keep it up, thank you
GayStew is the gift that keeps on giving
Preach.
You know Stef, maybe you could act as the lesbian liaison officer for straight media, because all they see is like,”Seen at her ex’s house, total hookup unless they’re back together, because lesbians?”
While the actual Lesbians are like, look, it’s complicated and very difficult with the exes, maybe they have CATS together, you never know, or KStew left her kefir culture at Alicia’s house and went to get it and then they started talking and ended up watching Sense8 and then she spent the night because they almost fell asleep discussing Frida Kahlo’s sexuality and there was that old bottle of expensive whiskey they had gotten that one time and promised they’d drink together and KStew couldn’t drive anymore and then spent the night on the couch and slunk home the next day, sunglasses and all, back to Stella and told her that they’d have Alicia over for an Almodovar movie and vegan BBQ next weekend, cause guess what? She forgot the kefir after all and now her digestion’s all loopy again.
And then next weekend, the daily mail will be”What is even happening now?!? We don’t want to sound homophobic but is this like an orgy?”
And you’ll be like”Naw, bros. It’s just seitan, nbd.”
LOVE IT.
HAHAHAHAHA!!
dis is the gayyyyyyy drama™ that i needed in my life.
what if they’re gay friends that comfort each other in times of stress??? and stella is cool w/it b/c they’re all gay for each other!