When Scheana tried to set up Tom Schwartz with her longtime friend (and nanny?) Tory, Schwartz’s ex-wife Katie Maloney wasn’t happy. But it wasn’t for her usual reasons of not wanting Schwartz to date anyone within the friend group (all bets are off on that one now that Katie has hooked up with Schwartz best friend). Katie was upset because she would have liked to be set up with Tory.

Scheana explains all of this in an early testimonial in last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules. The trailer for the season has indeed teased that Katie and Schwartz might end up fighting over the same girl. It starts to play out in the only truly interesting storyline of the episode (which gets kind of buried since the producers don’t realize how interesting it is beyond surface level drama!).

When the group moves from the worst beach day ever to a beach bar, Tory joins. She sits with Schwartz, who mentions in testimonial they’ve both shared they think one another is cute. Tory is indeed a pink-haired cutie! She’s 24; Schwartz is 41; Katie is 37. So in both configurations of the love triangle which is really more like a flirtation triangle at the moment, there’s an age gap situation.

Tory first sits down with Schwartz and confidently goads him into asking her out on a date and into buying her a bottle of champagne. Katie then quite literally SWOOPS down on their table to sit next to Tory. Schwartz tries to jab at Katie, pointing out she didn’t even buy Tory a bottle of champagne like he did, and Katie promptly points out that, actually, it’s Prosecco.

“If he doesn’t like me taking his girls from him, maybe he should try harder,” Katie says.

And yes, okay, both my headline and these testimonials are sort of exaggerating the situation here. Schwartz is not dating Tory, so Katie isn’t necessarily “stealing” “his girl,” but the smooth operation she pulls on him by descending on his quasi-date and shooing him away is some expert level pettiness and queer chaos. After the not-champagne champagne dig, she tells him he’s being rude to the girls at the next table over who are trying to talk to him.

Tory later asks Katie if she has ever dated a woman, to which Katie says no. She asks if she has ever slept with a woman, to which Katie says yes. Katie doesn’t identify with any specific labels. “I like people,” she says, suggesting gender doesn’t really factor into her attractions.

“I’ve always had an attraction to women, but I was with Tom Schwartz forever, so I wasn’t really acting on any of that,” Katie adds.

Tory says she’s feeling nervous because Katie is so pretty (and definitely not at all because they’re being filmed right now…). She adds that she wants to kiss her. Katie says they can kiss, and so they do. They make out! And then stop, and then make out some more! The stock music used on Bravo shows is always so funny, but it’s especially goofy here, because it feels like someone just searched for “sapphic yearning pop” in the stock music database and clicked on the first thing that came up.

Later in the episode, Schwartz goes on a date with Tory. And then Katie goes on a date with Tory, the two of them painting and drinking at Katie’s place. Post beach bar makeout, things get relatively chaste. But supposedly there’ll be more Tory to come this season.

Katie and Schwartz were together for 12 years, and it’s exciting to see Katie exploring her sexuality, even if she’s doing so a bit chaotically by going after the same girl as her ex-husband. I mean, in my experience, there are few times more unhinged than those first moments of coming out. I posited an important question earlier this season: Is Katie Maloney in Her Bisexual Era or Just Wearing Cargo Pants? And while the label of bisexuality might not resonate with Katie at this exact moment in time, it’s good to know I was onto something about those flaggy pants…

Katie’s business partner and bestie Ariana is bisexual, so I think it’s high time they rebrand their yet-to-open sandwich shop as a QUEER sandwich shop, specifically. I’m gay and I love sandwiches! Give me the sandwich shop of my dreams!

As our intrepid Bravo Dyke reporter, I will be following any Tory/Katie developments closely. 🕵🏽

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