WOMEN’S SWIMMING
100 METER BUTTERFLY (USA DANA VOLLMER- GOLD!)
400 METER FREESTYLE RACE (USA ALLISON SCHMITT- SILVER)
Brandy: Olympics Sunday Night. Ladies swimming!
Julie: Spandex and one pieces and little boobs.
Brandy: This guy keeps saying it’s important that they be in adjacent lanes. I wonder why that matters.
Julie: Hmm. I dunno. In fact what does adjacent mean?
Brandy: Next to each other. I guess these are all just qualifying rounds to get to the ultimate race for the medals.
Julie: Ohhh..so the Americans could be one and 2 against each other. 15 years old!? From Lithuania…Liesel. Get outta there.
Brandy: Omg! And she started crying. That was cute.
Julie: That was cute. In fact I’d like to see more crying. There hasn’t been enough.
Julie: Isn’t it weird that some people will experience the Olympics and getting medals…We never will.
Brandy: Yeah and then they’ll end up like Bruce Jenner.
Julie: Well at least we could still end up like that without a medal.
Brandy: Shit. You’re right.
Julie: A trodden down, face-lifted shell of a man. Nacho is playing with the Chik-Fil-A cow again. Maybe I could get a good pic of him killing it and it will become part of the Chik-Fil-A gay movement. And it can be another thing I don’t make money on.
Julie:
Brandy: He needs to be the posterdog for butt-fucking Chik-Fil-A.
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Brandy: I wonder if the swimmers ever come up with boogs in their nose.
Julie: It shouldn’t, but watching this makes me wanna smoke.
Brandy: You should have a cigarette. In honor of Amurica.
Julie: She has def boogs.
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Brandy: We should watch Nadia this week. See if it’s on Netflix. It’s so eighties and as a kid I only cared about the part when she was a kid with her bff. I rewound and rewatched that part all day long. But now I’ll be able to appreciate when she’s older and bulimic.
Julie: Is that a documentary?
Brandy: It’s a movie. Like a Lifetime movie.
Julie: Ohhhhh. Well then ok. Yes pahlease. I never saw that.
Brandy: It’s SO good!
Julie: God if just one boob would pop out it’d be legendary. But they are IN there. I enjoy how they splash themselves before going in like an old Jewish lady getting into the pool.
Brandy: Their armpits kinda look like tits.
Julie: And their tits look like armpits.
Brandy: You can imagine a nipple on there and see if you find that erotic.
Julie: Armpit nipple.
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Julie: If Serena and Venus Williams made the water costumes it’d be much more exciting.
Brandy: Yes. These look WEIRD.
the best costumes for a day in the water, duh
Julie: When I’m not fat I think I’ll have a weird thick necked swimmers body. And I don’t swim. I can barely breathe.
Brandy: This girl is 16 and I just want to shake her and say, “Don’t put that thing on your nose! You’re gonna fuck your nose up! Do you really want to live with a smooshed nose for the rest of your life Missy??”
Julie: Why what happens to the nose?
Brandy: Literally her name is Missy. She put some air thing on it to squeeze it shut.
Julie: Oh right – well she can’t live with herself if boogs come out. Wow she came in first.
Brandy: Yay! First or nothing at alllllllll!
Julie: First or nothing at all. Blam.
Brandy: Rachel Bootsma is up! Bootsma. What an interesting last name.
Julie: They’re all fucking with their suits. I swear whoever is making these things is just wrong. Bootsmmba. Is it Jewish?
Brandy: Ha! Bootsman? Bootsstein?
Julie: I wonder if Booger is someone’s last name.
Brandy: Boogerstein?
Julie: Hah boogerberg.
Brandy: Yes. Goldbooger.
Julie: Boogerman. Boogerbaum.
Brandy: Lichtenboog.
Julie: Haha..! LIpbooger. Hebrewbooger. Lichtenboog! Hahahaha. Mordechai Lichtenboog.
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Intern Geneva is killin it with these graphicz!
was just gonna say that, I was snortlaughing
THE POMMEL HORSE
Intern Geneva wins the Gold of my heart!
Also, Julie referring to their uniforms as “costumes” kills me.
yes! can we all agree intern geneva wins the olympic event of “photoshopping julie & brandy into the best graphics ever”?
Reading this was in equal parts like being on acid and being snuggled up in bed with your best friends talking total shit.
In a good way.
i feel you
i was about to say, there was nooo way all of this happened while sober. it was too amazing
Pretty sure that was, verbatim, my inner-monologue during women’s volleyball.
i love mackayla too! i noticed her ponytail first and then her awesome eye makeup and tough-haughty-cute facial expressions.
“God if just one boob would pop out it’d be legendary. But they are IN there.”
love you guys
I haven’t even gotten halfway through reading this, but all I can say is THANK YOU INTERN GENEVA! I have never looked so fit and so trim. Each new picture I see includes a tinier and more thin me!
And thank you Laneia! No one should have to read thru 20 hours me and Julie’s bbms. You deserve ALL the golds!
i would do this twice a week if i could.
I would pay money to be able to do that
omg new indiegogo perk??
love this. especially “Ground control to Logan Tom”
Love this, and obviously Gabby Douglas is my favorite gymnast. Her nickname is the Flying Squirrel, you can’t beat that.
Isn’t Gogo in Kill Bill 1 only..? idk
ok and YES, it is worse when a male coach is telling girls in swimsuits what to do. it just is.
omg teeny tiny cupcake butts!!
i died at “I always wanted to play a sport where I wore goggles because I’m cautious and aggressive all at once.”
and then i thought about carol. who didn’t wear safety googles. now she doesn’t have to.
omg i forgot all about carol.
“But I wanna wear the pants and the tank top and do that thing they do with their legs on the horse…What’s that called? Scissoring.” – my personal favorite
also the graphics. did i mention i LOVE the graphics?!
“Are there more lesbians in soccer or volleyball?”
Maybe you need to do an exhaustively comprehensive survey. For science.
just wait till the next summer olympics, when WOMEN’S RUGBY IS INCLUDED!
You guys, I am so glad I read this while high. This is everything I need. fish sandwich.
Also, there’s an athlete named Regina George (she competes in the 400m)… REGINA GEORGE, you guys!
Lol Julie’s whole Family Feud team is alcohol.
Also, butts.
I thought the judges’ faces in the background of that photo of Gymnast MacKayla were graphics. no lie.
this is a testament both to the graphics and to the cartoonish power of the olympics to distort normal facial expressions.
OMG me too!!
“She was the front runner and the favorite and the Jew came in and jacked it. Per Usz.”
Am I seriously the only one who read this, stopped for a minute, reread it with my mouth wide open, and got really fucking upset?
I didn’t realize that anti-Semitic commentary was acceptable here. And no, “it’s a joke” doesn’t work. This is seriously, seriously hurtful. I feel tremendously betrayed by a community that says that it’s accepting and tolerant of all people. Not okay.
I mean Julie Goldman is Jewish. So that’s a thing.
lol I love how I’m not the only one wondering who’s gay and who’s not on the ladies teams. I don’t like sports, but somehow soccer and basketball is a lot more enjoyable to watch when women are playing ;)
and wtf is with the butt tapping?
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