1,050 Comments

1. Happy birthday AutoStraddle! I am so glad that you were born!

   Hogan, I want to know what is the perfect witbier for celebrating this momentous occasion? My favorites currently include Dogfish Head Namaste, UFO White, and Allagash White but I am coming to you as my beer advisor for any other suggestions.

   Cheers!

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   • Lucy, hey! The fact that you led with Dogfish Head and closed with Allagash confirms my suspicions that you are the greatest! I think those are two of the best witbiers in the world! (Did you know Dogfish Head is brewing a beer with literal MOON ROCKS right now? It’s true!) So here are three more to try:

     1. St. Bernardus Wit. (5.5% ABV) It’s a Belgian wit from actual Belgium! It’s all the regular wit/wheat stuff, but something about this mix of coriander and spice kind of makes it feel like it has key lime pie notes!

     2. Hitachino Nest White Ale. (5% ABV) This is Stacy’s favorite wit. It’s kind of expensive so we just usually get one bottle in a mix-and-match pack. It’s actually as good in a bottle as it is on draught! And there’s an adorable little owl on the bottle! So this guy is brewed with coriander (standard) but also a little bit of orange juice and nutmeg. It punches up the wit-style flavor so much you’ll want to sock Blue Moon in the mouth.

     3. Ommegang Witte. (5.2% ABV) Bringing it home with a New York-brewed wit. Ommegang makes delicious fucking beers. All of them. Even their Game of Thrones beers. It’s dryer than most wittes and one thing that makes it super unique is it has bitter, lemony notes instead of orange ones!

     <3!

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     • Thanks, dude! I am armed for my next trip to the beer store.

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       • Thanks for asking!

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     • Oh! Lucy, if you can find Allagash Midnight Brett, try it!

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       • Oh I will. We should be able to get jut about anything Allagash around here since Portland is just a couple of skips up the coast.

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2. @heatherannehogan. I have a friend suffering from depression. What can I do to help?

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   • Sweet Jeanne, I happen to know from experience that you are: a) The best friend in the world, b) the best friend in the world to people who are struggling through bouts of debilitating depression. Here are some ways you’ve helped me/ways other people can help their friends who are getting kicked in the teeth by depression:

     1. Remind them that you care and that you’re there and that they don’t suck, ’cause depression is a lying liar pants from Lie Town, USA and all it wants to do is tell people how awful they are.

     2. Encourage them to GET OUTSIDE (for Vitamin D) and GET EXERCISE (for endorphins).

     3. Ask them how you can help. (They might not answer because they might not know because depression makes you feel like nothing’s going to help, but ask anyway. They maybe do have some ideas about how you can help, and they will definitely feel better just knowing you want to help.)

     4. Encourage them to talk to a therapist or doctor or other trained professional.

     5. Remind them that they WILL feel better. They are in a fog, yes. But the fog is not forever. If they can start taking steps toward treatment, they WILL feel better. It doesn’t feel like they’ll feel better ever, but they WILL.

     6. Recommend books or activities that have worked for you/other people in dealing with depression.

     7. Talk to them about something easy. Depressed people sometimes find it impossible to talk about depression, or the circumstances that have led to their depression. On the other side of it, they might find it easier. But while they’re trudging through it, find easy stuff for them to talk to you about. Television. Books. Sports. Talking to people you love about stuff you enjoy helps you feel better, always.

     8. Once they’re in treatment, help support the healthy habits they’re trying to develop. Whether it’s going for walks with them or eating healthy foods with them or positive self-talk or yoga or whatever thing. Let them know you think they’re brave for doing what they need to do, remind them it’s going to make a difference, and join them if it’s a buddy activity!

     <3 :)

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3. Hey team!

   Short question for anybody / everybody who is interested in answering: what are your favorite “get to know you” – type questions for people you’ve met recently? The questions can be queer lady specific, but don’t have to be.

   thanks / happy birthday!

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   • hello tara! this is more of a ‘small talk’ type approach but i feel like it leads into conversations well — if i don’t know someone well but want to get a conversation going, i’ll often ask “is there anything going on right now that you’re excited about?” or “anything happening this week that you’re looking forward to?” it’s always nice for people to get to talk about something they’re enthusiastic about, and you get to learn what kinds of stuff they’re into, you know?

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   • when i’m super interested and want to be someone’s friend, i just get goofy and ask them what they love. like what are the things that make your heart feel big and warm. what’s one thing? and usually good people love that question and they answer it and it’s good cuz then you can skip all the boring stuff.

     if i don’t feel that invested, i ask if they’re playing trivia crack.

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   • Great question!

     I hate when people ask “What do you do?” because how are you supposed to answer that besides awkwardly humblebragging or hiding in a corner? But I have been guilty of asking it, too. :/

     I like questions that get people talking about their life, like, “Tell me about your closest friend and how you met them” or “Did you have a childhood pet? What kind and what was it’s name?”

     Or just weird questions that catch people offguard like, “If you could be any kind of animal, what would you be and why?” I once asked someone on a date what kind of snack cracker they would be. That was maybe a little too weird, but it was an interesting conversation.

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   • Hey Tara!
     I’m not a total expert on small talk with new people but the question I find myself relying on all the time is “So what’s your story?” And people usually laugh a little because they’re taken aback and then they start talking and go in the direction they want to. It’s open to their interpretation so they’ll either tell me their whole life story or just what they do, where they’re from, etc. I’d recommend it!

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   • Hello my friend!

     I ask what they are reading, for a few reasons. First, if they are reading something I have been thinking about reading, then I would like to ask them how it’s going and what they think of it. Because maybe I would like to read it. Second, if they are reading something I have never heard of but should definitely know about/check out, I also want to know that. But third, what a person is reading can tell me A LOT about a new acquaintance, mostly because people very rarely stop at a book title. They’ll wax eloquent on their philosophies of the modern education system and how it’s failing teenagers, or they’ll confess their undying love for Dante and talk about their senior thesis, which was about intentional and unintentional feminism in Dante’s poetry. People who love to talk about what they’re reading as much as I do are definitely people I want in my life, personally. Maybe this also applies to you.

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   • Maybe it’s the nerdy geography major in me, but I love talking with people about what it’s like where they grew up, favorite cities and places they’ve travelled to, where they would love to visit someday, etc.

     Also, “If you could choose one superhuman ability, what would it be?” When there is someone new at work we like to bring up this question at our weekly meeting. It always turns into a lively hour of debating the logistics and pros and cons of invisibility and flight haha

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   • oooh. I really like once the covo has hit the ‘so, what do you do’ stage to ask ‘is that you dream? or like life goal?’ and then it turns into a conversation about what people really want in their lives and it gets real cool REAL quick

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   • I often start with things like: 1. Do you have a big family? or 2. Where have you lived? or 3. Do you have a cat and what is it’s name if you do and how long have you had it and if you don’t why don’t you have a cat.

     Option three isn’t the BEST idea for an opening date question.
     Or, hell, maybe it is.

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   • I usually ask people what TV shows they’re watching. It’s pretty surface level, but there’s no wrong answer and everyone always has something to say. I like that it puts people at ease. Depending on their answer, I can usually figure out some common ground to go deeper from there.

     (Really I want to ask everyone what they’re reading, but it turns out that not everyone reads. And if they’re not reading anything, they get embarrassed and I feel like a weirdo. So I lead with TV.)

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4. HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!!

   The question I have is basically for anyone on the team. Now that Autostraddle is six fkng years old, what can you say has changed or improved since it all started? Did you guys ever think you would get us to where we are today?

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   • yo brotha V – what’s good this morning?

     i haven’t been part of autostraddle since it started but i think i’m coming on my fourth year of writing for the site, so i’m like part of the new old kids on the block.

     for me, camp changed everything. it made this entire situation part of my real life and that was major. everyone was real and super loving. and all of that made me invest more of myself into this community. it opened me up and gave me people to care about all over the place and that’s huge, right? when you have people working together who care deeply about each other, it makes the work better and adds these layers of quality and connectivity that wouldn’t normally exist, least for me anyway.

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     • Working. Sshhh! Haha. I know CAMP!!! CAMP!!

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   • I’m such a newb, I’ll leave it to people who’ve been around longer to give perspective on AS itself. Though, I don’t think I ever thought I’d be writing here or that queer media would ever get to this point if you asked me 6 years ago.

     I remember when the L Word was a huge deal. I was in college and I’d get together with all my queer friends to watch it every week. Then after college, I got Showtime specifically for the L Word and hosted the watch parties at my apartment with my post-college friends. It was all we had in media representation of queer women and our relationships. It felt so important. I can’t believe that in just a few years, we are here, in 2015, with a huge amount of queer representation in the media, that we can finally demand more diverse and authentic representation, and that AS has evolved with it.

     I also am…not surprised…but disappointed by how quickly queer media became dominated by huge corporate entities as cis white gayness became acceptable. And AS is still here, bringing authentic voice to the front, and I’m so grateful!

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   • oh good lord this is such a good question — probably i can never really do it justice, but i don’t know, lots of things have changed and improved and also lots has stayed the same? for me maybe the biggest shift is that when i first got involved (august 2010) in autostraddle, it was somewhere in between a hobby and a passionate labor of love — as my autostraddle username still indicates, i was originally an intern, just waiting to see if there was like a spreadsheet that someone needed organized. at that point it seemed totally impossible that me or maybe any of us could consider autostraddle a real job, let alone a career; it was just this wacky exhausting fun space on the internet and if you ever had to explain it to someone, you had to disclaim and contextualize and sort of say “i know the name is weird,” etc. and now it’s my full-time job, and when i tell people what it is they sometimes already know, and when someone asks “what else do you do?” or “what’s your day job?” i get to say “this is it, sucker!” as someone who was entering the workforce right when the recession was really getting bad, and who was accepting that my prospects for work would maybe always be really dire and i should be grateful for anything i could get that wasn’t just strangers chucking spare change at me, it’s literally unbelievable that i get to do my dream job with the people i love most in the world, and that it pays for my groceries. (which is why maybe A+ is the biggest and best change/improvement — because it’s what might allow me and dozens of other queer women to do this work and also buy groceries in a sustainable way.)

     i think though also what’s been really amazing is seeing how this community has grown and evolved and changed shape in a hundred different ways to accommodate so many people in so many ways. i don’t know how to articulate this, truly — just that in the time since autostraddle felt like a tiny slumber party of six people to now, the community we have here has taken on a life of its own in the best possible way. camp has really helped me be able to experience this too — there are no words for the feeling of going to the mountain and meeting people and thinking “we did something that brought these people to us? all these great people are now in wolf lodge with me helping organize the hummus and first aid kit because of what we built?” it’s very humbling in the best possible way. it’s something i never could have imagined — not because it wasn’t what we wanted, but because despite how bad i wanted autostraddle to be what it is today in my life and the lives of others, it seemed like too much to ask for, too ambitious to believe was possible. i’m so grateful for everything that’s happened from 2010 til now to make the community we have now a reality.

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   • Hello Camp Friend! <3

     I haven’t been here forever either—since 2012. So I can’t talk specifically about what’s changed for Autostraddle before then. But I can talk about how Autostraddle changed after then, and how it’s changed me for the better.

     When the senior editors asked me to be the Geekery Editor, a position that hadn’t existed before in its current incarnation, that was the big crazy change for me. It was right about the time where the business model shifted from volunteer to career all up in here (lol, all that rhymes), which was also a huge change for me. Because it let me know that I could do this for work. This is what my life could be like. I had come out of working in tech, and even when you work for the best of companies, technology is often a hostile place for women. Even the good guys don’t get it right 100% of the time. Autostraddle was where I went to be taken seriously after clients kinda shat on me all day for being a woman who dares know a thing or two about computers, and here they were. Taking me seriously. Shortly after that, I started freelance writing full time, because this change in Autostraddle changed the confidence I had in my own skill. It sounds hokey, maybe, but A+ is another giant improvement—anything that pays queer folks to talk about queer things is kind of amazing, right? Giving writers careers is just life changing, and it’s allowed me personally to make life into EXACTLY what I always hoped it would be. I am so unbelievably happy right now, and Autostraddle (and A+) is a major part of that. Hope this is an answer you were looking for!

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5. @littleredtarot , I just sent back my working tarot deck to an ex (it was a gift). What’s the best way to cleanse the space before getting a new one, and what decks do you recommend for a rookie reader? I’d like something girl-positive but not essentialist. (I like: The Wild Unknown, Tarot of a Moon Garden, Motherpeace aesthetically, The Fey Tarot, The Phantasmagoric Circus Tarot.)

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   • Hey Rie! Great you returned the deck if that feels right, I feel like they hold so much energy.

     For cleansing the space, it’s a really really personal thing – some people do complicated rituals, others would say a simple prayer… Me personally? I’m not a big ‘rituals’ person. I have this mist that I make with lots of rose, rosemary and sage and I would spritz that around, leave doors and windows open, and just very consciously imagine that person leaving the space. I might use a different space for tarot reading until I felt ready to go there again.

     Forgiveness is a big part of space cleansing in my opinion. Maybe you could sit in your space and write a loving, forgiving letter to your ex, releasing them from any unseen contracts or bonds between you?

     Then you get to choose a new deck – woohoo! I wrote an AS post about that, it’s right here: http://www.autostraddle.com/the-fools-journey-8-tarot-decks-to-get-you-started-237059/ and I blog about different decks all the time on littleredtarot.com

     What kind of thing do you like? Super spiritual, Harry Potter, abstract images, easy-to-read images… what’s yr bag? I’ll see if I can find you the perfect deck :)

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     • Thank you so much Beth! This is a lovely, thoughtful answer.

       Moving on and past things and not looking back has been the name of the game–imagine Persephone saying ENOUGH, tossing the pomegranate, and taking off with a jack-o-lantern for the land of Autumn.

       I like whimsy, lots and lots of detail and color, mythological creatures, and creative dark cards. I prefer a Ride-Waite to a Golden Dawn based tarot, but I am not a purist, and I like scenes versus pips on my Minor Arcana.

       Again, mucho appreciated, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUTOSTRADDLE!

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       • @pocketlibrarian I totally didn’t take in that you had actually said which decks you like! The wild unknown is my absolute favourite, but you might also like the Dreaming Way tarot by Rome Choi and Kwon Shina, I just got it a couple of days ago and it’s beautiful! It’s not super essentialist and has a very feminine feel to it – although it’s kinda hetero you can absolutely queer it up and many of the characters are really genderqueer-looking to me. Here are some pics!

         

         http://www.usgamesinc.com/Dreaming-Way-Tarot/

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         • Oh it’s so beautiful! And I am choosing to interpret that Lovers card as a poly triad.

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       • SILICON DAWN! Definitely wins on the color and the creative darkness. It’s sort of Rider-Waitey with extra cards, and it’s more sci-fi than mythological per se, but it’s amazing/

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   • Also @pocketlibrarian fellow Straddler @eforce wrote this really awesome post on how to choose a new deck!
     http://littleredtarot.com/choosing-buying-a-new-tarot-deck/

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6. @tinkerbell Will you be at Camp this year? -from Milo the monkey

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   • hello milo the monkey, this is tinkerbell. i am always at camp. last a-camp, i was given a diamond necklace and performed in the wedding as the tinkerbearer. it was one of my starring roles and i enjoyed being the center of attention on a stage on such a nice day. everybody cried but i did not because one of my eyeballs is bigger than the other.

     however i was not at the first a-camp because riese left me at a hotel and alex’s friend was supposed to pick me up on her way but she did not and riese was sad. i missed the first a-camp but in the meantime i was living like eloise. also i was born in a hotel so it felt like a womb. i had an ice cream sundae for breakfast. i was the best looking dog-purse at the hotel.

     thank you

     love
     tinkerbell

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     • I hope we can take pictures together if I get to go to camp this year! Last year my mom said no because I could get lost in the woods.

       Lots of love,
       Milo

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7. @internrachel

   I’m moving countries and have challenged myself to use up EVERYTHING in the cupboards. Do you have suggestions for what to do with my dried legumes? I have approximately 200g mung beans, 100g red lentils, 400g chickpeas, 200g brown lentils and 6 weeks to finish them all.

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   • THIS IS THE QUESTION OF MY DREAMS OKAY LET’S DO THIS.

     So for the red lentils, i think the easiest thing would be a soup — you can probably make a soup that also contains at least one of the other kinds of legumes and get a twofer out of this. I’d recommend maybe adding the chickpeas, and if you also throw a green in there it’s a very complete meal. Some recipe ideas to get you started: 1, 2, 3

     Let’s say this uses up all your red lentils and roughly half your chickpeas. Let’s focus on the brown lentils next. Personally, I feel like the most efficient way to use brown lentils is in mejedrah. By combining them with rice and some onions, you get a very filling meal that’s pretty easy to make and gives you leftovers for the whole week. Is it possible to also use up some other legumes here? YEAH IT IS. You could either make some falafel or chickpea patties and eat them on top of the mejedrah or just throw the whole chickpeas in there, whatever.

     At this point you may still have some chickpeas left. I’d recommend a recipe that’s very chickpea-centric to just get them all out of the way. I’m a big fan of tea and ginger-simmered chickpeas; you can adjust the spice levels to your comfort, and it can be eaten over rice to make it stretch farther.

     This leaves us with our mung beans! I’ll be honest: I don’t cook mung beans very often. But a quick google gives us this pretty basic recipe with coconut milk, and this idea for a veggie burger patty. This looks lovely as well, and of course there’s always soup.

     What mung bean/other legume ideas am I missing, dear readers? Help a pal out.

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     • Thanks Rachel! Following your advice, I’ve already nearly finished making soup, kind-of following the first recipe. Next will defintely be Mejadra, which i didn’t even know existed until now.

       Also, happy birthday Autostraddle!

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     • You can make a chinese dessert soup with mung beans! It’s basically just mung beans cooked until the beans have split, and then you add in sugar until it’s sweet enough (usually you want it lightly sweet but not overwhelmingly sweet). Sometimes I add in barley or coconut milk too.

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   • you can put together a pretty dope chili recipe with a good portion of those.

     AND chili is dope bc you can freeze it!! so you can do a huge batch and eat it this week and then like 4 weeks from now and then your last couple of days. That way you’re not eating it all in a row and getting sick of it, etccc

     (omg lentil sloppy joes is one of my favorite things on earth just FYI)

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   • I have a couple of ideas! I travel a lot too since my family lives in the other side of the world. This is what I would do:
     1)start soaking at least one pot of legumes a day, cook it the following day and use them in yr salads AND soups. When you blend them for soups it reduces it size!
     2)give them to friends!
     3)prepare a big good bye meal (meals in case you want to do this multiple times) and make it all about beans
     4)you can also sprout the legumes and give them away to friends or sell them! sprouted legumes are super expensive and nutritious!

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8. hi, yay this is so exciting, happy birthday! question for @meyrude and/or @heatherannehogan — top six (bc themed) fave comics of all time? collected or single issue or graphic novel or whatever you feel.

   also heather what houses would your fellow question-responders/A+ staffers be sorted into and/or what subject would you teach/adult-type-job-around-the-place would you have at hogwarts? assuming that they’d let you bring scout as your selected animal bc <3 and no offense hedwig but who needs an owl when there's a whole owlery.

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   • Taking the heat off of Heather to sorting hat me: I would be Slytherin. I always thought I’d be Ravenclaw or Gryffindor, but my friends unanimously insisted I’d be Slytherin, to which I took great offense. But years later I took the official sorting hat quiz on Pottermore and I am, apparently, a true Slytherin.

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     • YAS i didn’t want to be all selfish like “every single one of you tell me your hogwarts house plz” but i couldn’t be happier that that seems to be happening regardless

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     • and no, dude, slytherins are the best/probs my fave house to be friends w because they’re so good at selecting people and then being loyal as f but only to the people they think deserve it. if you’ve got a slytherin friend you know they’re with you for life and will help you with anything/maybe burying a body, no judgement. also i super respect their drive — lady boss power, man!

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       • Aww, thanks! This makes me feel slightly better. I mean, Slytherin is pretty great. A few bad apples just ruined it for all of us, you know? But I’m going to take over the world in a much nicer way and then give everyone free healthcare and puppies.

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         • there are bad apples in every house!! i feel v strongly about this — first of all, the thing of “there wasn’t a witch or wizard who went bad who wasn’t in slytherin” is a bald-faced LIE, not least bc at the time everyone thought sirius was the reason harry’s parents were dead! and the person it actually was was ALSO in gryffindor so there! also let’s be real, if poor ginny were in slytherin and taken over by the ghost of riddle and did evil things it would be all “oh just in her slytherin nature, she must have a super evil soul and that’s why,” instead of “not her fault she’s just a little girl who was forced into it.” you know who else was just a kid who was forced into doing bad shit by voldemort? well, basically all of them, but especially draco!

           (i could rant about this all day sorry)

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     • kaelyn, i had this same exact experience! #slytherinpride

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   • I know this is for Heather, but I feel the need to tell you that in every quiz I’ve ever taken, including Pottermore, I have been a Ravenclaw. I own a Ravenclaw house tie. Because I am a nerd. <3

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     • same!! ravenclaw pride! (i totally have a scarf) :)

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   • Ravenclaw here!

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     • i am overflowing w joy at this thread and yay high-ravenclaw-five

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   • AAAHH YOU GUYS!! IM ALSO IN RAVENCLAW!!!

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     • maaaybe currently resisting my ravenclawy impulse to write these down in a list for future reference

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   • i am in gryffindor according to pottermore!

     also someday heather is gonna invent a sorting hat that sorts us all into Golden Girls, so stay tuned for that

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   • Hey, Laura! Okay, I will answer that Hogwarts question FOR SURE. I just need a little time to think about it. But, in the meantime, my six favorite comics:

     1. Batwoman: Elegy. This book went to shit after J.H. Williams left, and it broke my heart a little bit to finally axe it from my pull list, but when Williams and Greg Rucka were teaming up, it was the greatest greatest greatest. Elegy collects Batwoman’s run on Detective Comics before her solo title launched.

     2. Lumberjanes Vol. 1 collects the first four issues of Lumberjanes, the greatest comic book of our time. Believe the hype on this one.

     3. Marceline and the Scream Queens collects Kaboom!’s Adventure Time mini-series about Marceline and PBG going on tour together. It’s adorable and hilarious and makes canon of the show’s subtext.

     4. Ms. Marvel Vol. 1: No Normal. First Muslim superhero? Check. One of the very few female teen superheroes? Check. Tackles themes like identity, the lack of visibility for brown people in pop culture, xenophobia, etc.? Check. Kamala Khan’s costume HAS A FANNY PACK? Check!

     5. She-Hulk Vol. 1: Law and Disorder. Marvel’s She-Hulk relaunch was one of the best things it did last year, no joke. It’s smart and it’s funny and it’s so unapologetically kick-ass with its feminist messages. Just read the first issue and you’ll see what’s up!

     6. Red Sonja Volume 1: Queen of the Plagues. I am so in love with Gail Simone and this is some of her best work. If you liked Xena’s camp and kick-assery, you’ll love this. It’s very bloody, though! Be warned! (It’s also very queer.)

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     • yessss this list is good. ok i’m a TINY bit disappointed bc i’ve read most of (these except marceline and the scream queens, which i maybe just bought right as soon as i saw your response, and red sonja which i have sitting unread in my comixology cloud like a dope! i will move it to the tippy-top of my list). i also feel a little guilty that you typed out all the descriptions BUT i love it and will treasure it always and tbh hearing you describe some of my favorite things makes me happier than almost anything in the world. but also i hope other people will read this list and then go read all those things. anybody reading this, go do that!!

       and thanks heather you are the best and have stellar taste, i am so glad you’ve joined the autostraddle family :) :)

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       • I also just bought Marceline and the Scream Queens. :)

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     • oh and ps i know i’m being greedy w my questions but did you happen to read princes leia #1? i know they won’t ACTUALLY make princess leia queer bc duh but i got a STRONG vibe from the newfound hate –> friendship sitch with her and a soldier lady in the issue.

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   • Oh jeez, top six fave comics all time, that’s a big question. First of all, I want to say that I LOVE all the comics on Heather’s list, and I would probably put Lumberjanes and Ms. Marvel on mine as well, but to give you more options, I’ll leave them off. So here’s my other top six:

     1. Super Mutant Magic Academy: okay, this one is sort of cheating because it hasn’t come out yet, but I have a review copy and let me tell you, it might be my favorite book of any kind of all time. It takes the webcomic that it’s based on but adds a bunch of new comics to make it more of a story and it’s so wonderful and queer and weird and brilliant and it made me cry a thousand times. i can’t wait for everyone else to read it.

     2. Saga vol. 1: Saga is just fucking gorgeous and brilliant and beautiful and everything. I’ve said this before, but if it were just a picture book I would still buy it and read it all the time. Plus the story is really amazing.

     3. Young Avengers: Mic Drop at the Edge of Time and Space: America Chavez, Kate Bishop Hawkeye, an entire team (except for maybe one character) of queer characters in the Marvel Universe? I’m really sad this series is over, but this was a brilliant way to end it.

     4. Batgirl: The Lesson: this is the final trade of Brian Q. Miller’s run of Batgirl comics starring Stephanie Brown. Oh man, every time I read the last few pages of this I cry. Like, full on bawling.

     5. Hawkeye: Little Hits: Kate Bishop again? Yes, yes, yes yes. Also, Hawkeye is one of my least favorite movie Avengers (probably because he has so little to do) but he’s one of my all-time favorites when he’s written like this. Plus it has the Pizza Dog issue in it, which is one of the best single issues of all time. That’s a lot of hyperbole.

     6. Captain Marvel: Higher, Further, Faster, More: The first trade of the current Captain Marvel run by Kelly Sue DeConnick after it was restarted in 2014. There’s this quote in the first issue that goes, “Have you ever seen a little girl run so fast she falls down? There’s an instant, a fraction of a second before the world catches hold of her again… A moment when she’s outrun every doubt and fear she’s ever had about herself and she flies. In that one moment, every little girl flies.” And if that’s not the most perfect comic writing you’ve ever, seen I don’t know what is.

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     • oh my god! you guys! definitely printing this and heather’s list out because not only are the recs so great but they way you write about them is so perfect.

       i’m so excited for super mutant magic academy and have it on pre-order on amazon but i’m so glad to hear it’s officially definitely great!!

       i love kate bishop SO much and also ship her w america chavez pretttty dang hard.

       as for stephanie brown, i’d read only the first trade of that run i think, but i just did a major cass cain re-read and it made me want more steph also so i will definitely just start at the beginning and re-read/read that whole thing right now!

       ps HOW excited are you for the captain marvel movie?? the other day someone asked me what my fave superhero movie is and i sorta smirked to myself as i thought “lol what if i just said captain marvel? i know it hasn’t even been filmed yet but like, i can p much guarantee it will be”

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       • Yay! I’m so glad you’ve pre-ordered SMMA!

         Ugh, yes, a Kate Bishop/America Chavez team up super girlfriends comic is my ultimate dream book forever.

         Yeah, I just love the in-your-face optimism and hope of Steph Brown Batgirl. I mean, all batgirls are my favorite, and Batgirl is probably my favorite superhero overall, but something really gets me about this run.

         I’m sososososososososososososo excited for the Captain Marvel. It’s killing me to wait as long as we have to!

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         • yes!! it is SO rare (esp in dc and esp esp in the bat-fam) for someone to be so g-d bright and cheery. i actually love her friendship w cassandra for that very reason because she brings out such a surprising sense of humor in cass! the scene where they both laugh about their terrible fathers is one of my favorites in comics/anything.

           “all batgirls are my favorite” <– YES i'm going to start saying this bc i get weirdly anguished about choosing and it's like, no. all batgirls are the best batgirl in their own way. also, yeah, steph is SO upbeat so much of the time that when she's sad it gets me SO hard. like, giant ugly sobs hard.

           ahh i love talking about this shit and i love asking people their favorites for this very reason — there is nothing better than hearing someone gush about the things that they love. and my top complaint about comics-loving people is they (we) can tend to get negative (and there sure are reasons to! RIP batwoman and wonder woman even being series' i could put my eyes on at all) but why focus on that when we can talk about how great Steph is and how much time we spend dreaming of an amerikate series and being excited for the captain marvel movie!! (#carolcorps)

           ps this whole bad-ass ladies thread reminded me i have to frame my bitch planet poster when i get home :) :)

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     • Yep, this list is flawless.

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   • Favourite song: Devotion by Indigo Girls. I’m not even a big Indigo Girls fan, but this song reduces me to tears before the guitar even kicks in. Go listen to it right now it’s about what love actually feels like.

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   • Oh, also I’m totally a Gryffindor. Every test I’ve ever taken says that (including pottermore) and anyway, that’s what I would ask the sorting hat to put me in. I have a tie, a couple of scarves, a golden snitch, time-turner, a wand, the whole thing.

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     • yes! i never get tired of hearing people talk about what house they’d be in/are, it’s like talking about your meyers-briggs type except 10x better and happier and more enlightening about a person, ha (my meyers-briggs type changes almost every time i take the test but i’ve never been anything but ravenclaw ever; tbh i even think of myself as “too ravenclaw for my own good” sometimes — this is why cross-house friendships are so important.)

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9. Happy birthday Autostraddle! I tried to come up with a pun but I couldn’t think of one. Maybe by the end of the day? I have lot’s of questions, though.

   My first one is for anyone who’d like to answer: favorite book, favorite song, and why. Because I am in sore need of good books and good music right now. And in general, really, but especially right now. Or any other favorites you’d like to share. Or if you’d like to ramble about your fish. I’m all ears.

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   • I have no fish to ramble about, but I do have book recommendations a-plenty.

     I’m a big fan of everything Margaret Atwood. If you like dystopian fiction, get into the Oryx and Crake series (Oryx and Crake, The Year of the Flood, MaddAdam). Supposedly HBO has the rights to a TV version of the trilogy.

     The book that most recently broke my heart is Mia McKenzie’s debut novel, The Summer We Got Free.

     At this very moment, I’m listening to the AS “Fuck Humility” playlist that was posted this morning and feeling really optimistic about life!

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     • Oh, I love Margaret Atwood! Though to be fair, I’ve only read her poetry and have yet to delve into her fiction. Now I’ll have to. I will also have to go listen to that playlist because it looks glorious and feeling optimistic about life is always a plus.

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       • She is not everyone’s jam, but if you like her poetry, you’ll love her fiction. Some people find her writing style too dense. It’s packed with startlingly descriptive prose and a lyrical line runs through it, much like her poetry. If you are looking for a shorter read, her short fiction is also great. Stone Mattress is a great collection!

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   • Oh man, okay, so favorite song is rough for me because essentially all I listen to are Broadway show tunes. But I’d have to say right now I’ve been singing a lot of Jason Robert Brown songs in the shower? Does that count as a favorite song of sorts?

     Books, oy, I cannot pick one. Picking a favorite book is not a possible thing for me. I can tell you what I’m reading right now, though! I’m reading two at once—Woman Warrior by Maxine Hong Kingston and The Sleepwalker’s Guide to Dancing by Mira Jacob. I’d recommend both of them. Woman Warrior is nonfiction but—I won’t give it away, but a strange kind of nonfiction. I’m about halfway through and I think I’m starting to get a handle on it, but it’s been an enjoyable ride even when I’m not quite sure where we are or if what I’m reading could be classified as nonfiction or not. Beautiful prose. I’m only a tiny way into Sleepwalker’s Guide to Dancing, but Mira Jacob gave a talk at school (I go to The New School, their creative writing MFA program) last semester and she was just so eloquent and wonderful (and an excellent reader) that I picked up her book IMMEDIATELY.

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     • I adore Broadway showtunes. I like dancing around to them when no one is home and pretending my life is a musical. What are some you enjoy?

       I can never pick a favorite book either, but those two sound great so I’ll have to check them out.

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       • The [title of show] soundtrack. Just…the whole thing.

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       • I’m listening to my Musical Faves playlist right now, FYI

         http://open.spotify.com/user/126625947/playlist/6wbrvwrBAHPvT24A5HJ717

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10. @Lizz

    THIRD YEAR. TELL ME EVERYTHING. Do you know what you want to do with your life? Which rotations were surprisingly better/worse than you predicted they would be? Weirdest encounters? What wardrobe items should I acquire for this delightful combo of not-sleeping-but-also-needing-to-look-professional? Other must-haves? I’m gonna survive step 1, right?

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    • Third year! I know! Right?! It’s almost over and I can’t even believe it!!

      I’m 95% positive I’m going into OB/Gyn.

      I actually really liked all of my rotations. Something that surprised me was that, contrary to popular belief there are no “easy” rotations. While some rotations have lighter duty hours, like psychiatry or family medicine, those rotations tend to be more emotionally difficult. It’s hard not to take your patients’ feelings home with you. I also found that certain things were interesting to me that I never would have guessed: like hyponatremia! I didn’t care at all about hyponatremia when I did my renal block second year but in practice the workup is really interesting!

      You should acquire:
      -one blue belt
      -one brown belt
      -one black belt
      -a pair of work pants you really like in black, brown and navy (not jeans or corduroys)
      -many sweaters
      -lots of little notebooks
      -a million pens
      -a backup white coat

      You will survive step 1.
      You will survive step 1.
      You will survive step 1.
      You will survive step 1.

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    • happy birthday AS! i just want to chime in and completely agree with lizz except i’m going into peds. i found ob gyn to be heavily steeped in the gender binary, which may be a product of the particular program i’m in or location of the country, but that’s why i’m super happy that people like lizz are going to be the future of the field!

      i also can recommend one style of work pants in approx 4 colors (khaki, black, navy, gray) and a very strict schedule of making sure your work-clothes laundry gets done on your one day off/week no matter what.

      tiny things to make your life easier: cheap “attending pens” to give away, tiny cute easily-sanitizable toy or stickers to distract the kiddos, applesauce packets. also befriend the social worker. and the nurses.

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11. Woo! Happy birthday!

    I have two questions for you guys.

    1. I’ve just realized/come to accept that after years of trying so hard to be straight I’m not. . My mom and brother know because I was fed up with my mom nagging me about getting a boyfriend. Which wasn’t a big deal because this stuff doesn’t bother my family. I’m super scared of taking to my friends because they know the version of myself that was trying really hard to be straight (aka super slutty in college). I’m not sure how some of them view lgbt and I’m pretty much flipping out because whenever I talk to them I can’t even talk about myself anymore because this huge revelation is something I’m avoiding with them. Any advice at all is welcome.

    2. I’m diagnosed bipolar II. It’s a highly stigmatized thing and very few people (now including my autostraddle family) know about it. It’s kind of a terrifying thing for me because my biggest fear is that add soon as someone finds out they won’t want a relationship with me. @heatherhogan any advice?

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    • 1. That’s great that your family was, like, NBD about you coming out! Friend stuff can be hard. We tend to surround ourselves with people who are in similar life situations to us. So when our life situation changes, it can be confusing to figure out how we still fit in our friend group, you know? Here’s a hard truth: many LGBTQ people lose friends when they come out. Not always. It is 2015 and most people are at least accepting of LGBTQ people these days, even if they are not very informed or supportive. However, I’d be lying if I said that it’s definitely going to go 100% perfect when you come out to your friends. I hope it will! They might surprise you by being totally cool! The other thing that happens is that often our friends know us better than we think they do. Your friends may also be like, “Yeah, that makes sense. I totally am not surprised.” So how to start? Maybe start by telling your closest friend, the one you know loves you no matter what. See if you can enlist their emotional support in coming out to the larger group, so at least you have a caring person to fall back on when you do. The thing is, if you don’t come out, you’re going to be holding back from your friends and, eventually, those relationships will become less strong and you may lose friends by isolating yourself. So either way, the possibility of losing friends is real, but the possibility of gaining courage and happiness and deeper friendships (either with your current friends or new ones) is within reach! Every single person I know, even when it has cost them friends and family, has felt like a huge weight was lifted when they came out. I hope your friends will be cool and supportive and great! If they aren’t, well, you have your AS family and maybe it’s time to find people near you through queer events and meet-ups and the interwebs to become your new, awesome friends. :)

      2. I will leave the advice to people with first-hand experience who have been diagnosed bipolar. I will say that I have dated a person with a mental health diagnosis and I would again. You are so lovable!

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    • Hello my friend! Thank you for the birthday wishes.

      1. First I am going to tell you how I did this, because I did almost this exact thing too—I tried to be straight REALLY HARD. I came into college with a long term boyfriend and I was with him for five years. FIVE YEARS. And then when I broke up with him (because I was really into this girl in my acting class), I still tried to do the slutty thing with a bunch of theatre boys (my undergrad was in theatre). Doing the slutty thing is cool beans if that your thing, but it wasn’t mine. Especially with boys. And the crazy part was that I knew it, but I felt so trapped by the persona I’d projected of myself (maybe that’s an actor thing? Who knows, doesn’t matter!) that I couldn’t break out. What I did was run away to a different country. When I got there and no one knew me I just said “I’m gay, actually.” I found it easier. And when I came back after seven months of living in France and I was gay, no one really questioned that because of the temporal distance—it was understandable that the persona I projected changed over that time and space. Now. I know running to some place else to escape the image you’ve created is not realistic—it just happened to work that way for me at the time. But I told you that story to get to the advice part, which is this—find a new place where no one knows you, the exact opposite of Cheers. Join an intramural sports league or take art classes—something that’s totally different for you. This gives you that break in image, the freedom from the (real or perceived) expectations of others. It gives you a place to say, “I’m gay, actually” over and over again until you get it down. Practice telling people about your authentic self. And then, when you’re faced with your old friends, you can just use the script you’ve practiced over and over again. And if they’re cool with it, wonderful! If they’re not cool with it, well fuck them you have all your awesome new friends who, like you, are not pointing to images of your past and expecting that from you. They’re pointing at the person you are now and telling you they like that human quite a bit.

      2. I know you tagged Heather for this, but if I may offer one tiny piece of advice here too—don’t worry about people who don’t want to be in a relationship with you for any reason. Because if they don’t want to be in a relationship with you, especially for a womp-womp stigma reason, well, you don’t want them either. You essentially have a super power—you can weed out jerks with one disclosure, and you get to decide when it’s time to disclose.

      Have a fabulous day <3 <3 <3

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    • Hey, Michelle!

      Question Number One

      First of all, I will echo Ali and KaeLyn here: It’s rad as heck that your family was so chill about you coming out. I also tried SO HARD to be straight. I tried all the way into my mid-20s. I had longterm boyfriends, one of whom even proposed marriage to me in the sweetest and most romantic way. Everyone in my life for sure thought we would get married and spend out whole lives together. (We obviously did not.) And I went through that same thing you’re saying, where you finally accept that you’re gay but you start withdrawing from the people in your life because you’re not ready to tell them but not telling them feels like a lie and so being with them feels weird all the time. Here’s what I discovered:

      1. Coming out to the people I was afraid to come out to felt like breathing fresh air after being trapped under water until I was very nearly drowning. I was in such turmoil when I was in the closet that my anxiety started manifesting itself in horrible physical and emotional ways. Finally just blurting it out to people that I’m gay was like being reborn in the world. Truly. Few things have ever felt that good to me.

      2. Human beings are pretty dang narcissistic. We mostly only care about other people’s stories in as much as they effect our own stories. Which means most of your friends are probably going to be like, “Okay, cool, wanna get a cheeseburger and beer later?” when you come out. Because you being queer doesn’t have any impact on them whatsoever. They thought one thing about you, but now a different thing is true, and it’s not a big deal. Because, to be honest, your friends probably spend most of their time thinking about themselves and not about you because that’s just how humans are wired.

      3. However! You might lose some friends who take your coming out/sexuality personally. I did. Not many, but I did lose a few. A handful who were super conservative Christians and just couldn’t get past their own religious brainwashing. (Although, two of the three of them have since apologized and we’ve reconciled. It took a couple of years and a lot of gay people on TV, though, before they were ready for that.) And I lost two friends who are those kinds of people who feel like you owe it to them to share all your thoughts/feelings as you’re feeling them (and how dare you be struggling for so long with your sexuality and not tell them!) and also they believe you should never change one thing about the way you are without consulting them because they have jarred, labeled, and shelved you, and that’s how they relate to you, and it’s more important for them to feel confident that you are who they think you are than for you to be authentically who you are.

      It sucks to lose companionship. SUCKS. And it hurts. But you gotta ask yourself if you’d rather spend your life making sure other people feel okay about who you are, or making sure you get to live as who you are. It’s hard to choose yourself, but you should! You deserve to be true to you!

      Question Number Two

      KaeLyn and Ali nailed this too. You do have a superpower because you’ll get to weed out people who don’t deserve you right away. Here’s some stuff you should know:

      1. You are lovely and you are loved. I know you’re going through a whole lot right now, including feeling like you have to keep so much of yourself hidden away, and a lot of times — especially when depression is working overtime in your mind to lie to you about your self-worth — that kind of stuff leads to intense shame. But you are the you-est you and the world needs you and you ARE LOVED. Here in this community, you are loved, for absolute sure and with abiding affection. Your brain doesn’t work the way the majority of people’s brains work, and that’s no big deal! Mine sure doesn’t. I have ADHD and suffer from major seasonal depression. I’ll bet most of our staff have brains that are wired differently than the rest of the world’s.

      2. I also worried that I would never be able to have a lasting relationship because of my depression and ADHD. But I have had so many meaningful romantic and non-romantic relationships in my life with people who know about my stuff and don’t care one bit. I am going through a really, really rough period of time with my depression right now. I am averaging one panic attack and one inconsolable sobbing meltdown per week. I am honestly barely able to get out of bed most days right now. It is a chore to make it through the day. And my girlfriend and my friends, they’re sticking right with me through it, as they have done for years. I think they key is to be educated about how your Bipolar II works in your life, and then educate the people who are close to you. People who love you want to know how to love you better (look at that comment up there from my friend Jeanne), so help them love you better by being honest with them about how your brain works and what that means. The best way to destigmatize something is to show people the truth about it.

      3. My girlfriend is bipolar. That’s her story to tell and so I won’t do it. But we have been together for a whole lot of years and I plan to be with her for the rest of my life. We’ve had to work our asses off to figure out how to be what we need to be for ourselves and for each other. And we work at it every day. But it’s so so so worth it. Every bit of the hard parts and the working parts are worth it. You can find that in your life too. I promise, promise, promise you have the tools to have satisfying and lasting relationships. People WILL want to have relationships with you.

      Michelle, you are worth of twelve of Malfoy. Seize your power by sharing your truths. It’s going to be so worth it.

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      • You legit made me cry. Thanks so much for your advice and kind words.
        I hope you get to feeling better soon. I’d give you a big hug if I were around.

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    • Michelle! Thanks for the openness and for trusting this circle. I feel you on the first one… it is so weird and so so HARD to pretend to be something that we are not. I was also weirdly slutty (mostly with straight cis dude) in college and although it was not to cover my sexuality, I was doing it to prove myself I could get dudes to like me. Why was I doing this? I am still trying to figure it out. Long story short, even though I am super out to my social group, it is still very hard to talk about this with my family and childhood friends. I have come to understand that 1) I do not have to ‘out’ myself to reaffirm that I am queer 2) although we might think we are all alone on this one, a lot of LGBTQ folx fell the same way, I am very lucky to have found an awesome community and I know you will too.

      Also to answer your second question, there is a good chunk of folx out there that are great! I am sure you would love to be with an awesome, amazing person that is willing to love you for who you are ENTIRELY!

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12. For whoever wants to answer – any dating advice for gray-a/demisexual persons? Very low sex drive + high emotional intensity (+ bisexual) has left me a little lost on how to navigate the queer dating-scape.

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    • Hey-o! I think the most important thing is to be open and honest with potential partners, especially if you are dating sexual people. Not, like, necessarily on the first date, but if you’re getting good vibes from someone and would like to see where it might go, it’s probably time to have the conversation. And not just because you are gray-a/demi. Ideally, every single person in the world would enter a dating situation like this, with nonjudgemental open and honest communication from the start. “Hi. I’m me. I’m looking for this, but not this. I like this, but not this.” However, people are weirdos about dating and especially about sex, so we usually don’t have that conversation until way too far down the line. If you don’t feel comfortable bringing it up early in your dating situation, that’s totally your right, too. You have a right to privacy and to let someone really get to know you before you bring it up. The thing is not to feel like you are hiding yourself. Hiding who you are can put up roadblocks to becoming close to someone and it also can make you feel guilty or bad about yourself. If someone deserves to date you, they should be worthy of your awesomeness and they should accept you as you are. :) I know this is easier said than done, but it’s also true, true, true. I’d guess that queer potential dates might be more accepting and open to this convo than straight potential dates, as we are more likely to be open to diverse sexualities and identities, in general. Some people will not want to date a gray-A because they either don’t understand or because they aren’t open to it and that’s what it is, too. Personally, from out here in my 30’s, I would be very open to dating an asexual person. 12 years ago, I might not have been, because sex was too tied up with how I felt about myself and my sexuality was rooted in being sexually desired vs. just being…sexual. And that was ALL about my hang-ups, not about my potential partners desires and identities. So maturity may play a factor, too, in how open people are to dating a demisexual person. Just remember that you have just as much of a right to be out and open with your needs as they do.

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13. plz can someone solve the eternal mystery of why Autostraddle is called Autostraddle

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    • Autostraddle is Not a Trademark Sexual Move, Except When It Is

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    • Hahahahahahahaha! I asked this to a friend once and she told me that maybe it is inspired in a street of a European city that is super gay. I want to know the answer for this one too!

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    • I assumed this was a site about doing it in cars

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14. @alioh

    Hey Ali! Do you still do the circus training stuff? I loved the original article about it and even looked into similar organisations in my city, but alas, all too far away.

    Would enjoy an update/opportunity to live vicariously.

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    • Hello friend!

      Alas, I am not because right now I am in the middle of a fabulous journey through graduate school, otherwise known as “time does not exist, it is just one endless stream of work.” Even a relatively short trek to Brooklyn, where I was taking classes with Lava, seems like so much out of my day when I’m in that state. I am planning to immediately re-join when I’m finished with graduate school, though, because my body was (and probably still is) happiest in a handstand.

      If things are too far right now, but you might be able to do something in the future, I do have recommendations for things you could do to prepare for a circus eventuality.

      1. yoga. All the yoga. Yoga all the time. I’m in yoga classes right now to try to recover some of the upper body strength and balance I lost since being unable to continue with acrobatics, and it’s working. Due to yoga’s popularity, you might have something close to you if you want to do classes. But you could also just head over to the iTunes store and grab a couple yoga podcasts if those are too far away or too pricey.

      2. There are circus skills that are much easier (and safer) to practice by yourself than acro. Hula hooping comes to mind, as does all manner of juggling. Both these things still require fitness and precision, but they can be self-studied and looked up on YouTube. They also require minimal equipment, making it both space and budget friendly. If you want to chat about any of these things, feel free to ask follow up questions!

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      • @alioh

        Thanks! I take Pilates classes, so that’s probably a decent substitute for yoga.

        Can kind of juggle, can’t hulahoop to save my life! I’d really love the opportunity to one day try trapeze/silks/aerials and train in handbalancing.

        I’m sorry you are crazy busy and had to stop, but am glad you are going to go back to it eventually.

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15. Happy birthday, AS!

    What advice do you have for someone like me who doesn’t ask for advice?

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    • One day, when you really are stuck and have no idea what to do, instead of googling things, write it down and ask us!

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    • instead of asking for advice possibly you should consult an oracle instead? if you can make it up the arduous mountain path, defeat the Ice Wolf who guards the entrance to the enchanted forest, solve the riddle posed by the hedge witch who lives inside the pond, and cross the fairy bridge, she can tell you your future and then you’ll NEVER NEED ADVICE AGAIN.

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    • You don’t have to ask just for advice—you can ask us anything!

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    • I just wanted to say hello to you because I miss you. So my advice is to accept my love.

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    • My advice is… floss your teeth! And check the expiration date on your sunscreen.

      It’s nice to hear from you. :)

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    • This is me! I am a Libra so I am always balancing out projects and things but I think I have a moon or a sun on a sign that is all about keeping shit to themselves. I do not like to ask for advice BUT I love to give advice. I am trying to be more open to asking for advice because:
      -it is true, everybody has a different way to look at problems and solve them in a different way. If I need to make a big decision, I might as well have tons of different heads working on the problem
      -it is also important to as ourselves why we don’t ask advice… is it because we think we know it all? is it that we don’t like when other people know our business?

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16. Happy Birthday!

    I have many questions! They run the gamut from minor curiosities to life-altering conundrums.

    BE PREPARED.

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    • Sally! I’m excited you’re here!

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    • I am excited for this.

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17. Wait, does the staff have any hidden talents we haven’t seen posted here or was seen at camp?

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    • My talent for singing badly in the shower may have been audible at Camp depending on who walked by my cabin while I was singing badly in the shower.

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    • I can snort a noodle up my nose and pull it out of my mouth but most people do not enjoy seeing this trick.

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      • I would really enjoy seeing this trick!!!

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        • It is a sight to behold.

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      • I want to witness this

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    • I have a B.A. in creative writing, which I don’t really use anymore except to very occasionally write mediocre poetry and sometimes read my less mediocre poetry (the older stuff) at local open mics.

      I’m also really good at making perfect grilled cheese.

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    • Once I guessed a bar’s wireless password correctly on the second try.

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      • This is impressive.

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      • You also tell EPIC bedtime stories.

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        • aw shucks!

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    • I can juggle a bit. Or more than a bit, but I can’t juggle like, chainsaws or seven things at a time or anything.

      Also, I don’t know if this counts as a talent, but I used to be in a couple of bands? I wrote lyrics, played ukulele, guitar and auxiliary percussion and sang. I was really terrible, but we played in total probably around seven shows locally I think? Maybe more?

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    • I have a special way of making eggs.

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      • HOW? =)

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    • I’m pretty good at Lindy Hop! I’ve been doing it for 5+ years.

      Did you know Bill Nye does Lindy Hop too?

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18. Halp, the A+ code is coming up as not valid in the shop. What do I do?

    (Better questions coming later)

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    • Woops! Sorry @asher_jak! The code is aplusbday6. It should be working now!

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19. Question #1: What are the tax implications of donating to Autostraddle? Occasionally, I idly daydream about how I would donate large sums of cash to AS when I am paid my dues by the capitalist overlords/win the lottery.

    However, it’s important for my daydreams to have a rigorous practical underpinning. I fret that the lavish donations of imaginary me would not provide the most efficient financial stimulation. Would it be more sensible to buy you an imaginary office, or imaginary healthcare insurance? Also, in the real world, are donations the most effective way to support you, or can we do something sneaky like set up a trust fund for Tinkerbell?

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    • Autostraddle donations aren’t tax deductible, if that’s what you asking, but they make you feel really good about yourself, so there’s that.

      I personally would like to quit my day job and work here full time. Or, make it so that all the employees at AS currently have great benefits and pay that lets them do things like take vacations and have savings.

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      • Kaelyn, I’m in the same boat. Day job = Autostraddle Life please… One day we’ll be living the dream!

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20. What a great idea this is! My question is for anyone who is planning or has planned a queer wedding or whos been to one or just wants to weigh in with some advice!

    What do you do about inviting family members who are not hostilely homophobic but who still make the odd comment or give you the impression they wouldn’t see your marriage as quite as legit as their straight one? I’m thinking relatives who you can’t really not invite as they’re close enough family -do you say something in advance? Hope they’ll be on their best behaviour because its a wedding? I don’t want to cause problems by not inviting them (and wouldn’t necessarily agree with my fiancée about who this would include either) but I don’t want to spend any tiny part of my wedding day worried that any of my guests think my marriage isn’t as good as theirs.

    Maybe you have had this dilemma and can say that on my wedding day ill be so happy I won’t care what those homophobes think… I want to hear from you if so!

    Thanks in advance and very excited about reading all the other questions and answers!

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    • In the paleolithic era, when I had my commitment ceremony, this issue came up for us. My brother is a southern Baptist and not down with the gays and made it very clear. My sister told me I had to invite him but she agreed to talk to him before he RSVPd. She then told him that he shouldn’t come if he couldn’t be supportive. He did end up coming and it changed our relationship for the better. So, I say invite and then make it clear that it’s a celebration and if they aren’t able to do that, then they should stay home. But they should still send a gift or money. ha ha

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      • Hah – love the point about the gift! I think getting someone else to speak to him is not necessarily a bad idea, as it removes some of the conflict from the situation. I will think about this one! Thanks :-)

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    • I am planning a queer wedding! Hi! Hello!

      We have solved this problem by appointing a “family drama bouncer.” Since the drama is most likely to come from my extended family (both our immediate families are wonderful), this person is my brother. My gay brother. He is loud and he has no issue walking up to people and calmly and assertively asking them to take their drama outside or to keep their opinions to themselves and enjoy the party. We did this so we could still invite everyone we want (or need) to invite, but we wouldn’t waste one single second of our wonderful day dealing with my weirdo, occasionally wildly offensive family. As I grew up in the same house with my brother, I know he is uniquely suited to this task because he has no patience for obnoxious family members and also (hilariously) no filter. Do you have a friend or family member you could charge with this task?

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      • can I hire your brother for my future wedding. LOL

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        • Hahahaha. He talks a little like Billy on the Street, if you can picture that.

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          • Ali – that is exactly how I was imagining him! I almost even commented that earlier. Only, I didn’t know him from Billy on the Street, only as Craig from Parks and Rec. I feel like I understand that character so much better now. And, he would be the perfect wedding bouncer!

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      • Hello! This is an interesting idea, going to think about this one! One of my brothers could potentially be pretty good at this, although probably better during the first half of the wedding before he’s had a few drinks…maybe we’ll get people to do shifts! I hope your wedding planning goes well and the actual day is fabulous and you enjoy every second of it! When are you planning for?

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        • Oh hey, I just realized you asked a follow up question! Since we’re both in school, we’re planning for 2016. Because that gives us enough time to change our minds a million times and still get really awesome grades because our mental space won’t be entirely taken up by wedding.

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    • Wedding drama! We didn’t invite a lot of family to our wedding, but we did have this issue that some of our friends knew my spouse as Zack (he/him) and some as Sarah (she/her). Both of those names are valid for Waffle (his last name and what most of us call him), but we didn’t want it to cause drama or be a big deal. We were also slightly worried that Waffle’s grandparents wouldn’t be cool. So we talked to people we thought we needed to–mostly family–in advance of the wedding about the name situation. Then we decided that it was our day and that wouldn’t be the only thing that was weird or non-normative and people would either get with it or not. So we just let the freak flag fly from the beginning, from our zine-looking coloring/activity book wedding invitations to our non-theme of “shit we like so deal with it” and quite frankly it was awesome. So I guess my advice is to worry most about whether you will have a day that reflects who you are as a couple and that will make you happy.

      If it is about inviting family that you aren’t really even close to and you don’t want to invite them at all, perhaps a smaller wedding list would work for you? By keeping the list small, you can easily and respectfully omit your aunt or second third cousin or your mom’s best friend simple by saying, “Oh, sorry. We are keeping it small and intimate.” You can always send a wedding announcement after the fact to your far-flung relatives, if keeping them in the loop is important to your family.

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      • Thank you. I think that advice – having a day that reflects us – is something I just need to keep reminding myself (and my fiancee) as it’s so obvious yet so easy to forget when you’re worrying about all the other rubbish that comes with inviting lots of very different people to one event!

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    • My advice is don’t invite homophobes to your wedding.

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    • Oh goodness you deserved a much better answer than that Becca! I just feel really black and white about this, like this is a day for you and your love and homophobia is heavy enough the rest of the time, both in big, dangerous, in your face ways, and in little, dangerous, subtle ways like you describe. I feel like your wedding day is a time for you and your love to celebrate how awesome you are together, and the people who should be there are the people who will support you though the hard times and love you unconditionally and be cheerleaders of your love for each other. I know it’s not that simple but for me, making a hard-line decision like that can be a lot easier than faffing about wondering about this person or that person. If they don’t support you, they don’t have a place at your wedding – that’s how I feel about it.

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      • I can totally understand that. We’ve been lucky enough that there are none of the big homophobes in our social networks and fortunately few of the more subtle ones. But sadly there are a couple of people who I do feel this way about but they’re not my people, they’re my wife-to-be’s people – part of her immediate family – and so it’s important for her to have them there. They have made progress and are a lot better than they used to be. I suppose also part of me wants to think that seeing all the other amazing people there who are celebrating, loudly, our amazing relationship will make them realise how stupid they’ve been being. Maybe that’s a risky strategy!

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    • hey becca! everyone else has given you such solid advice, so i just wanted to say that i hope you have the best time at your wedding and that you truly enjoy the cake. i am so excited about having cake! xoxox

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      • Thanks Laneia! I am very excited about the cake too, and the outfits and also looking at all the photos afterwards with my (then) wife! (and other stuff too of course.) I am really enjoying your wedding series and hope you have the best time too! (And then post about it so I can see pictures of cake!) xx

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    • I had my wedding in Hawaii, which meant only the most committed came. I also didn’t invite my grandparents or my uncle because the wedding was about people who supported us from the start, and they did not and do not.

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      • Oh it’s too late for us with this one but a great idea! I hope you had an amazing day.

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21. For any fans who want to answer: I’m seeing Sleater-Kinney next month with a cabinmate from the last camp and am obvs SUPER PUMPED. However, I’ve been unable to wrangle her from the depths of her wicca folk nightmare long enough to give Sleater-Kinney a solid listen. I was wondering what particular songs are either a) your favorites or b) ones you would share with a non-fan as an introduction.

    (@internrachel – in one of your answers here you said you got started with AS in August 2010. Maybe you have a different standard for when you started, but I stumbled onto this site in the last few days of March ’10 myself and you were newly not-an-intern, I think! I’m positive it was 2009 for you. This site is so old and wise. Happy birthday, AS!)

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    • what would i do without you brianna? <3 PS if there are any tax deductions from the past year I am forgetting about can you let me know about those also

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    • First off, I want to say that I saw Sleater Kinney in boise and it was one of the best experiences of my life. It was 100% absolutely the best. I think some good intro to them songs are Oh!, A New Wave, Modern Girl, Jumpers and maybe All hands on the bad one? But those are just the ones I thought of that I like right now. But you can’t really go wrong. Also, no lie, i think if they haven’t ever heard them when they go they’ll still have a killer time and be a huge fan by the second song.

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    • Just saw them last month! I agree with the previous commenter, they are absolutely amazing live. (Also check out Lizzo, she is opening for them on tour and is an amazing female rapper from Minneapolis). I would say just go on YouTube and watch/listen to the top videos, that’s how I first got into their music. “Jumpers” is what really got me interested, and their new track “Bury Our Friends” is FANTASTIC

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    • TURN IT ON. Every time. That song *is* being turned on and desperately wanting someone and all the shaky amazing feelings of having a mad passionate crush.

      Also JUMPERS. aaaaaaaagh it’s good. The energy! I know all SK songs have powerful energy but these two especially for me.

      Both of these go near the beginning of any series of mixtapes made to woo potential friends/lovers… :)

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22. @heatherannehogan – will you be continuing the Orphan Black recaps when the show comes back next month?

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    • I will, yes!

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      • HI I LOVE ORPHAN BLACK K GOOD TALK

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23. Dear A-Team,

    I need a pep talk! How do you go from chatting about random stuff like ducks and legos on ok cupid (or other dating site) to meeting up? I guess I just say ‘hey do you want to meet up sometime?’. But eeek I get nervous. Do you have any advice on how to make the jump from internet chats to irl chats? Do you have any advice on getting over the ‘omg what if she doesn’t think I am interesting or pretty’ nerves?

    Also I love this site! You are all amazing and inspiring!

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    • You do exactly that. You ask to meet up. It’s always a risk and it’s scary and nerve wracking and crazy making and necessary. When I asked my partner out the first time, she told me that she had to do her laundry that night. But I was persistent and now we’ve been together almost 22 years. It may not turn out the way you like but you won’t know otherwise. Of course, I’m all for direct approaches. Someone else might have another suggestion.

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    • Hello!

      I met my fiancée on OKC. Here is my strategy: find a thing you like that is happening in your city. Purchase two tickets to that thing. Then tell this human “Hey, I happen to have two tickets to [x thing, whatever, you do you]. Would you like to go with me?” If they say yes, BRILLIANT! If they say, oh man, I really like that thing but I am busy that night, ask a friend to go with you. If they never reply, well then you have your answer you need waste NO MORE TIME on that human. You should still ask a friend to go with you. You will still have fun, because it’s a thing you like and because you are hanging with a friend.

      I did this thing with a Chris Pureka concert and now we are getting married in October 2016. LIFE IS LIKE THAT SOMETIMES.

      I think the coffee has kicked in.

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      • That sentence was unclear. I am not getting married to Chris Pureka. I am getting married to a wonderful girl named Abby, and it was because I purchased two tickets to a Chris Pureka show.

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    • hey bessie! i met my almost-wife on okcupid and our first IRL meeting was for brunch, so it was really low-key and felt more like something friends would do instead of a full-fledged date. since i have kids, the next few dates we had were also during the day and involved things like shopping at target, watching movies on netflix, and getting sandwiches. SO CASUAL.

      it also didn’t hurt that early on in our okc chats, her computer died and she opted to give me her phone # so it we could still talk while the computer was being fixed. it made that transition from ‘relatively detached and safe okc convos’ to ‘slightly more intimate and exclusive convos via texting’ feel really natural and chilled out, instead of like OH GOD SHE WANTS MY PHONE NUMBER. one of the first things she texted me was to ask if beets were a nightshade plant bc she was at the grocery store getting produce for juicing. i thought it was adorable that she thought i would know the answer (i didn’t, but possibly should have) and that she thought of me in the grocery store. like how fucking cute is that?

      GOOD LUCK OUT THERE XOXO

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24. Does college count as a question? Just college. Anyone who has been through/is in college. Any advice on researching/finding a college you love, not stressing about college, getting accepted into college, writing essays for college, deciding on what to major in especially if you want to do literally everything in the world but excessive amounts of math (science is great though), getting scholarships, taking tests to get into college, just surviving college while you are there. I know there’s websites and things for this kind of stuff but I like hearing from real actual people. Note: stressing about college may or may not be a recurring theme in every single question I pose to anyone over the next yearish. Maybe.

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    • hello juliet! it sounds like you are feeling very overwhelmed about college stuff right now! i have been there also, being overwhelmed, and feel confident in telling you that things are very likely going to be fine!

      the thing i wish i could most tell myself when i was applying to colleges is to care less about which specific college i got into/went to. i feel like there was a lot of rhetoric around The Right Fit — figuring out which college is “perfect” for you — and it created a lot of stress that if i didn’t make the right choice, i was fucked forever. or even worse, if there was a college out there that was The Right Fit and i didn’t do well enough to get in???

      in the end, i got into and went to a college that was far from being my first choice, or where i had imagined myself going, and it was SO FINE. there were good things, there were bad things, and most importantly i learned a lot and grew a lot and made a lot of great friendships. but by the time i graduated, i realized that that would have happened anywhere i went! the stakes in that particular regard just aren’t as high as we imagine them to be. anyplace can and will be The Right Place if you put effort into building a life there that you’re happy with. and if by some chance i’m wrong, and you quickly realize that you’re at someplace that’s Not A Good Fit, people transfer all the time. i know that can sometimes seem like a worst case scenario, but i’ve known so many people who have done it; it’s a totally feasible possibility. so my overall advice would be to look at this experience as a neat one that has many different kinds of possibilities in it, and different choices will lead you to different opportunities, including a bunch of cool ones. focus on how many different kinds of good things you’re looking at, not on different ways you could be doing something wrong.

      as for everything else — tests, essays, scholarships, a major — i’m sorry, but the only real way to do it is to take a deep breath and do one thing at a time, as it happens. when you’re writing your essay, focus on just that, and doing it the best you can. don’t stress out about your major before the time comes — you likely don’t have to choose your major until you’ve already been at college for a while, and it’s okay to take your time with it. just like everything else in life, college is a series of small decisions that you make every day, and you just do the best you can on each one. good luck! have fun! you’re gonna do great!

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      • It was really great to hear everything about The Right Fit. I think that’s a rhetoric that often gets repeated during the college search, and it’s comforting to know things will probably work out regardless. Thank you very much.

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    • WOAH NELLY. That’s a lot of topic areas, but let’s do this:

      1) I think what you need to think about first is “What do I want from a college?” Close your eyes. Are they closed? OK, now open them, though, because you have to read this and you can’t do that with your eyes closed. Think about this:

      – Do you want a big or small campus? Big or small classes?
      – Would you be happiest in an urban or rural environment?
      – Do you want to be close to or far from (or somewhere in between) where you grew up?
      – How important is a thriving queer community to you?
      – How important is academic merit to you?
      – How important is financial aid to you?
      – What are your dealbreakers (would not go because of this)?
      – What are your ideal things (would be amazing if they had this)?

      OK, so now you have a better picture of what you want from college and it’ll be easier deciding which colleges fit this criteria. For me, I wanted to be at least 3 hours away from home, ideally where no one from my high school went (the better to come out in a raging display of rainbows and bisexual pride), and I was looking for the college that would give me the biggest scholarship. I actually got into my dream school (Emerson), even though I intentionally tried to sabotage my application for self-preservation. (I hand wrote my essay and turned it in on the very day it was due.) But I was facing full tuition at my dream school of a full tuition scholarship at a state school that otherwise met my critieria (far away, no one from high school, had my ideal major), so I went there. And it was the best! I would recommend my school to any person.

      College really is what you make of it! And you will find your people there. I think that is what is most awesome about college, across the board. The drama and stigma that follows you through high school starts to melt away in college. You will find your people there, whether that is geeks, queers, artists, math brainiacs, etc.

      I would suggest just going to the campus, if you can, and getting a feel for it. Sometimes you get a gut feeling that a place is wrong for you or very right for you and that’s helpful in making a decision, too. You’re going to live at this place for a few years, so if it gives you bad vibes, that’s not going to work out well.

      Very very lastly, I’ll say this. You don’t need to decide right away. The idea that you know at 18 what you’re going to do for the rest of your life is ridiculous. I am 32 and I still don’t know. Also, I majored in things I love, not in “practical” majors and I’m better for it. Seriously, almost all of my friends are not working directly in their undergrad field and that is totally OK. It’s also OK to be undeclared for a year or two and try some stuff out before you decide what you want to major in. The decision feels huge right now, but I promise that you don’t need to have all the answers yet. :)

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      • I definitely feel the pressure from my parents/larger society to major in something that’ll get me a job, as well as the pressure to have my whole life figured out. It’s good to know that you didn’t major in one of those “practical” things but in something that makes you happy and things have worked out. There’s this weird thing where people are supposed to intentionally not do what makes them happy because it’s “not practical” and I don’t think I could do that. Thank you for all your detailed advice.

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        • My parents really wanted me to be a communications major because they felt I needed a “marketable” degree, so I started off as a double major in creative writing and broadcast communications. I was doing fantastic in my communications classes, but I didn’t really enjoy them or see myself in that career, so I dropped communications and added women’s studies. And I’ve never regretted it!

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    • Hello! I had a very stressful college experience because I was auditioning for colleges. Are you auditioning for colleges or going through a more traditional application process? Regardless—

      1. Picking the right college is so much more than a campus tour (although going to see colleges is, I think, important). My secret to testing a fit is to email departments within colleges you are interested in—most will be more than happy to talk with you. How they interact with you will tell you one million things about what their philosophy is and if you would be a good fit. As an example, when applying to graduate school, I emailed the creative writing department and got a schedule of their events. I went to a reading at a potential choice for me. Every. Single. Person was white and most of them were male. Not my fit. Conversely, the events schedule for where I am currently (The New School) is diverse and super interesting. Better fit. And I wouldn’t have known that before actually attending if I hadn’t just emailed the department. So the question is, what’s the list of things you want out of college? Do you want an inclusive queer community? A theatre department? To live in a city? To have event schedules outside of Greek Life? Make the list, and then ask the questions—when it comes to college, there is almost always someone to email (the head of the Diversity Office, the President of the GSA, the Student Life advisor). They will answer questions from prospective students, too.

      2. Most colleges have admissions counselors to answer broader questions about student life and applying and all. It is their job to hear from you and reply to you, so don’t be shy about asking questions.

      3. Don’t pick a major until your Sophomore year, even if you are reasonably sure what you want to do. Otherwise, you will wind up like me. You will declare upon entry what your major is and you will take classes only for that major and then, when you hit your senior year and you are about to graduate, you will realize you picked the wrong one. Do not worry about picking a major. Instead, take everything. Literally, everything you think sounds interesting—that’s why most colleges have those weird requirements where you have to take a bunch of things from a bunch of different departments. I’m quoting Laneia here when I say you’re not done baking yet, interest-wise. Because no one ever is. When you have an idea of what you want to concentrate on, don’t stress that you will pick the wrong one either. I know I used the phrase “wrong one” and “will wind up like me,” but even so: I wouldn’t be the writer I am if I didn’t have my theatre background. Everything is useful. You will find a way to use it all.

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      • I’m really glad you mentioned that your theater background has influenced you as a writer, because I currently go to school for theater and plan on being a writer as one of my careers, but don’t necessarily intend to major in either. Everything is useful like you say, and it’s good to be reminded of it. I don’t think I’ll be auditioning for colleges, though it’s an option I’m keeping open until I talk it over with my theater teachers more. Also I hadn’t even thought about emailing the departments–that’s a fantastic idea, thank you.

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      • I agree with Ali’s “take everything” advice. It was the best thing I did.

        Also: unless you’re going to grad school, your grades in college have little to do with how your life will turn out after college. So follow your interests, and take hard classes and things you might not be good at. You’ll grow as a person, which I feel is one of the main points of higher education.

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    • I think I stressed out more in high school than I ever did in college. I stressed in high school so much because I had the same worries/fears as you! And you know what, everything turned out to be OK in the end! Everything will turn out just fine!

      My main concern with college was getting the hell out of my hometown and going far, far away. I wanted to go to New York or Boston or another big city and that didn’t happen, I got out of my hometown but I stayed in Texas and went to an amazing university in Austin. I think you should pick three things that are the most important to you. For me it was 1. leaving home 2. the university needed to offer an array of study abroad programs 3. they had to have an amazing journalism program. I got all those things and I was super happy! I’m sure there are other factors but those were the things that I wanted and I got cheaper than going out of state. Honestly, you should really consider financial stuff first and foremost. I have a shit ton of loans so I think I would’ve told my younger self to consider applying for more scholarships, more grants (seriously, just get in there and do it!) and working part-time or finding a way to make money while in college. I wouldn’t worry on finding the “perfect fit” for college because I think there will always be pros and cons to things. Also, people have vastly different experiences in one college so it’s really what you make it at the college you go to.

      I might be overwhelming you even more, but I believe in you! This is really hard to do but you will make it to college and once there, I hope you learn so, so much and have lots of fun. <3

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      • Nah, this wasn’t overwhelming, it’s good advice! And I can certainly use more of that. I think I’m probably stressing out more now than I will in actual college, so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one. I’d like to get out of my hometown for college too, and making a list of my top three priorities is a good idea. Thank you!

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    • I really agree re: the myth of the Right Fit! The college I went to was an amazing fit for me, but once I got there after STRESSING about it, I realized that I absolutely would have been able to make wherever I ended up work – and if it really didn’t work, I would have been able to transfer. If you go somewhere convinced you will be miserable there, then probably you will be miserable. But if you go somewhere, even if you are apprehensive, with an open mind, I am quite confident you will find really good things there. When you find out what your options are, weigh the pros and cons for your preferences and desires and needs, and once you make a choice and go wherever you go, do whatever you can to make the most out of what’s there.

      Also, it’s worth noting that my college experience was NOTHING like what I expected it to be, but it was still GREAT.

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    • Hi there,

      If you ever feel like going abroad, I’d recommend looking into Europe. Especially if money is a concern since it’s so much cheaper than the US (for Europeans it’s free!)

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    • Okay so I went to a super status-obsessed cutthroat high school where it was like, if you don’t get into one of these specific few schools then you should crawl into a hole and die and also you will never get a job! I don’t know if you’re in a similar environment or not but if so, fuck that noise, prestige and rankings don’t actually tell you much about the quality of undergraduate education or about the campus culture. Nor do campus tours or admissions presentations, IMO; they’re basically sales pitches, although they do contain more information than the ranking/prestige. My advice would be to talk to current students and/or recent grads at any schools you’re interested in. Don’t just rely on the student tour guides. If you don’t know anyone at the school, try finding an online forum for that school. Bear in mind the respondents will likely be either happier or unhappier than the average student, since the people who are ambivalent might not care enough to respond. I work in higher education, at a prestigious (public) school, and I had a beautiful fairy-tale experience there as an undergrad, but the more I learn about the school in my job, the more I feel like, man, community colleges and “second-tier” state schools are fabulous and incredibly underrated. I mean, as a graduate of a prestigious school I can’t say that that prestige has not helped me at all, but — and I can say this as someone who’s served on a hiring committee — in most fields it’s not nearly as important as my high school led me to believe.

      Standardized tests: what helped me the most was just taking the damn thing over and over as many times as possible. It’s like training for a marathon, you have to be in shape.

      On what to major in / do with one’s life: for many jobs, it will be the things you did outside of school that help you get a job more than anything you do for a class. I say this as someone who loved my classes and was never hugely extracurricularly involved. Also, changing careers is so common now, and four years of college can be such a transformative experience, that it doesn’t necessarily make sense to choose a major on the basis of what you think you want to do with the rest of your life. My current job isn’t at all the kind of thing anyone in my life (including me) imagined me doing — in fact I had no idea this job even existed until after I had finished college — but on the whole I’m very happy with it (despite grumbling above). If you don’t know what to major in — and perhaps even if you do — you might try thinking more about your professional development. It can be in any field — heck, you could organize an Autostraddle event and put event planning on your resume.

      On essays: I used to professionally tutor students in writing application essays, and here are some things you might know already but that have come up a lot in my experience:

      -Write about something you genuinely care about, not the thing you think sounds most impressive. If you’re bored by your topic, the reader probably will be too.

      -Be distinctive. Easier said than done, obvs. But like, it’s not enough to write about music just because you love music, cause ten thousand other people are gonna write about how much they love music too and they’re all going to blur together. What can you say that no one else could say?

      -Try to surprise the reader. They’ve read a gazillion of these and often can finish your sentences for you, if you’re not careful. Don’t say stuff just for shock value, but try to offer something unexpected.

      -Don’t use the word “plethora,” just, please, do not. Write like a human, not like a thesaurus.

      -This can depend on the prompt you’re responding to, but you don’t necessarily have to try to be super serious and deep, and don’t panic if you feel your life so far has been pretty ordinary and undramatic. One of the best essays I ever read was about the applicant’s unruly hair. It was funny, it was thoroughly unexpected, it showed his creativity and resourcefulness without the spoon-feeding that applicants so often resort to (“I am a very creative and resourceful individual”), it showed self-confidence but not in a cocky way, it was devoid of pious recitals of community service hours or “I’ve always wanted to be a [X].”

      -An undergrad application essay is a little like a first date: they’re trying to get to know you to see if they want to invite you to spend more time with them, and you should be yourself but not TOO brutally honest.

      In conclusion, GOOD LUCK YOU WILL BE FINE, YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL AND TALENTED HUMAN WITH LOTS TO OFFER, IT WILL ALL BE OVER SOON, TRY TO HAVE FUN BUT DON’T WORRY IF YOU DON’T BECAUSE YOUR FEELINGS ARE LEGITIMATE EITHER WAY.

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      • You’ll end up where you’re supposed to be. I stressed and fell apart, got in everywhere, couldn’t afford it, thought that was the end– now I’m in midterms of my first year and my school is the BEST place on earth. Best decision I ever made. And it’s not an ivy or even within my first maybe four choices. But I ended up in the right place! The universe has a way of working itself out. Always remember you’ll end up in the right place eventually, you’ll find the way. and always ask yourself the question “am I taking care of myself?” Before you do things (like apply to 12 schools or something). Engage in self care. (Also, check out Occidental College. We have a rocking QSA and people love theater :)

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25. THIS IS SO GREAT.

    Questions, questions…

    1) When are you no longer considered a “baby dyke”? Seriously.

    2) I came out ~1 year ago, had one horrific dating experience, and I’m still not able to get over it/her/MYSELF (mostly) and just “get out there” and approach girls and be ready for the sting of rejection. I always feel like something is just horribly wrong with me. Not beautiful enough, queer enough, outgoing enough… I also feel like I’m not easily attracted to people. You know how some folks fawn over pics of ‘hot people’ and legit lust over them? I’ve never had that. It sounds like I’m just picky but it really just feels like a different level(?) of attraction is needed for me to be LEGIT attracted. DOES THIS EVEN MAKE SENSE. Anyway, it makes it harder to approach people out of the blue when there’s no time to develop the level of attraction I need over time. Having an actual relationship with a woman seems like such a far off wishful concept that will never actually happen. How can I make it a reality? Any advice from people who’ve been there? (this is such a loaded question and maybe I mostly just wanted to air my perpetual sadness around the topic while acknowledging that it really can’t be ‘solved’)

    3) As a fat femme, how can I signal my gayness more overtly? I’ve read all the style guides on here and I feel like all that shit has just been appropriated by the mainstream now (i.e. white v-necks, hippy accessories, plaid). HALP.

    Thank you <3

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    • 1. Do you mind being called a baby dyke? Do you feel like one? How old are you? I have all the questions!
      2. Is it possible that attraction for you comes slowly and over time? That’s how it is for a lot of people. Try just connecting with people that interest you and then see what develops from there.
      3. I wish I had an answer for this. I have spent my entire life in the midwest where every woman looks stereotypically butch and it’s very confusing. I am often checking women out and wondering, “Minnesotan or Lesbo?” I actually think that one of the greatest things about the way queer culture as evolved over time is that we are everywhere and everything and yet somehow–magically–we manage to connect with each other. But, I don’t think there is always clarity based on appearance anymore.

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    • Hello friend!

      1. When you feel like you shouldn’t be considered one anymore.

      2. I’m with you here—I am way more likely to be attracted someone’s brain than someone’s body. It could be that meeting people at bars or online doesn’t work for you in the same way. My advice here is to join groups that allow you to form real connections with the people around you based on something other than their looks. Things like language classes or queer running groups or feminist stitch and bitches—check your local coffee houses for flyers, check the internet for things like that in your town or city. And if there’s nothing like that? Make one! Make something up. That will bring together a whole bunch of people with whom you can form bonds with no pressure or expectation or even thought of rejection. You’re just having fun with people. Something will come of it—friendship, a new skill. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll fall head over heels with someone’s way of talking about Margaret Atwood books or teaching people yarn overs. Do awesome things. Awesome people will come to you.

      3. The scissoring sweatshirts we sell in the store work well for this.

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    • Also–I’m so sorry about the horrific dating experience. Virtual hugs to you.

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    • As a fellow fat femme, on question 3, specifically, my answer is that there is no secret answer. I mean, I feel like I have a femme gaydar that can find fellow femmes, but unfortunately the world often interprets us as hetero, which really sucks and keeps us isolated from our communities.

      And femme flagging only works so much. Like the nailpolish thing, but then straight girls stole it from us. So…you can put it out there by wearing buttons and going to queer spaces and just being open about it. I do think there are some things that help, if you really want to give “the vibe.” Short hair over long hair, body-con clothing, visible piercings and tattoos. I recently got a subtle undercut on my otherwise conservative bob so I can sport a slightly more queer hair look when I’m not at work. All that said, you have to be true to yourself first. Giving in to whatever “looks queer” if it’s not your style is silly. Rock your own style and, quite frankly, don’t hold back. If you see a cutie, give them the eyes. Ask them out. Don’t wait for them to guess whether you are queer or not.

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    • First of all, you humans are all awesome and fabulous and wonderful, and I am so thankful for everything you do. Go treat yourselves to cheesecake, guys.

      I am a queer, bi/pansexual demi lady, seeking dating advice, in two parts.

      1. How do you even consider dating and meeting people when you need to know someone for months to even want something with them? Until the pain of a recent unrequited love for one of my friends, I was content to sit back and wait until something presented itself, but now I feel like I have/want to be more proactive. Still, the idea of dating a series of strangers feels foreign to me, and I don’t see it leading anywhere…I almost feel it would be disingenuous, considering how few and far between my instances of attraction are. Do I just need to suck it up and do it, even if it feels far from my nature? Or are there other ways of meeting people that are maybe more true to my temperament and how my sexuality/attraction tends to play out (friends first with months of incubation?) I want to be true to myself, but I also don’t want to wait until I am 80 to be in a relationship, you know?

      Also, I am just scared shitless.

      2) I need advice on how to navigate said relationship when/if it does happen. As a consequence of having been truly attracted to so few people, I have never been in a romantic/intimate relationship of any sort. I am 26. Anyone I end up dating is likely to have oodles more experience than me, and I will have the emotional maturity of a 16 year old. Isn’t that going to be a red flag for people? How do you navigate that kind of gap, both as the relationship virgin and the not-so-virgin? Is it possible? I need answers!

      2.5) TBH, the aforementioned unrequited love, coupled with a few other things in life, sent me into a pretty severe depression/anxiety state that persisted for months. I need to run and meet a friend soon, so I can’t really go into much depth now, but I was having all of the feels, some of them very dark and destructive. Any advice on how to take care of yourself, and how to build self-esteem/emotional maturity so that you don’t bring too much of your own baggage into a relationship, and can love in a way that feels healthy and positive? I constantly felt as if I was failing at something really important – I could not love her the way I wanted, not only because she was in a relationship, etc. but because my own feeling of inadequacy ultimately trumped by affection for her? I have been able to work on that over the past year, and I am definitely getting somewhere, but I could always use outside wisdom.

      Thanks for being awesome, people! You are all great, and I gotta run!

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      • M, it’s like you’re in my head. I feel you so hard on all of that and look forward to reading the advice you get. Big hugs from a sista who knows how it is <3

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    • Yay fat femmes! But also, I feel you on this, hard core. Ali mentioned it, but I do own the scissoring sweatshirt, misandrist t-shirt and tomboy femme shirt all from the autostraddle store, which i know that sounds like just a trick to get your money, but really, they’re some of my favorite clothes.

      If you’re willing to really go for it, tattoos, extra piercings and alternative lifestyle haircuts (especially in tandem) might work well? That’s also a pretty stereotypical answer though, so sorry. But also they might not be your style at all. I think hats, asymmetrical jewelry (like earrings) and scarves help. You can also look at Mary Lambert for some style inspo, like, I feel like she codes herself as queer pretty well.

      Overall, I think signalling gayness, especially for femmes is getting harder and harder, because like you said, so much of it is so mainstream now. But I guess, in the end, my advice is just keep trying.

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      • Just fyi, I think the selfie of you in the scissoring sweatshirt might be my favorite selfie of yours to date, and that’s saying something because I have a lot of favorite Mey selfies. <3

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        • Aw, shucks, <3<3<3<3<3<3

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    • Sorry I don’t really have advice, but just wanted to say I read all your comments in Tina Belcher’s voice and it is AMAZING <33

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26. Hello fabulous people with your fabulous site. Happy freaking birthday! You’re the best.

    OKAY SO you’ve caught me at *a time* so here are my achey questions right from the depths of my achey heart.

    How do I, as a queer Christian, manage to stay sane if I decide to date queer Christians (b/c having a shared faith matters to me.. I wanna be able to pray together and shit) and queer Christians are basically, due to the amount of bollocks that the church has heaped on queers, the actual unicorns of this earth?

    What if that means I don’t find a partner for like twenty years? How do I do this as a hug slut, as a human being? Am I being ridiculous for wanting someone who views life through the lens I do, who wants to live radically and trust God a lot and believes in spiritual coinkydinks and believes ‘the last will be first and the first will be last’ and wants to talk about how that could be us queers? Wants to talk about queer theology? And how the church could be better? And what we could do about it?

    Am I being a wally?

    Especially when there’s this cute smart feminist girl at the bicycle co-op and I’ve already somehow offered to give her some drum lessons and this means we’ll spend time together, and I must like her a lot because I was seriously considering giving up free tickets to a music festival so we could hang out for a little while? (And I would’ve except she was already out at a pub with friends. Rufus Wainwright was good though)

    How do I not go batshit crazy? How do I climb out of bed some days? What happens when I start to fall in love with people but I don’t want to commit because I know I still wish they shared my faith and that’s not a fair thing to wish of someone you’re involved in? Am I being ridiculous to want someone who shares faith with me, to need someone to see this and love me for it and be able to feel the same for them?

    How do I do this?

    Okay this is half an ask for advice and half a rant to the heavens. Relevant questions can be selected at will. Thank you for your time.

    x Harry

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    • HAY HARRY these are really great questions! we are thinking that there are some people who are gonna be around this afternoon who might be best to talk to you about this stuff — can you hang tight until then? thank you dear heart!

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      • Rachel I was asleep before I even saw any responses due to Australia being its own wonderland so this was all wonderful but thanks for thinking of me and my feelings O lovely person x

        :)

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    • Harry, hey!

      Firstly and most importantly, you are absolutely not wrong for wanting to spend your life with someone who shares your faith. Not at all. Not even a little bit.

      Here’s a question: When you say “someone who shares my faith” do you mean “someone who believes in Christian doctrines” (like the deity of Christ and salvation through grace) or do you mean “someone who shares my Christian values” (like humility and charity and kindness) or do you mean “someone who is an active participant in Christian culture” (like listening to worship music and participating in Bible study groups). I think figuring out where you need your partner to be on that spectrum is going to be really important for you. Obviously it will be be easier to find queer people who believe in Christian doctrines than it will be to find queer people who want to attend Louie Giglio’s Passion conferences, but if it’s the second thing you need, then don’t settle for something less.

      I also have some good news for you. Christian culture is shifting dramatically, and it’s happening fast. Ten years ago, 20-somethings in church were brainwashed into this socio-political cult, basically, that said Christianity was synonymous with Fox News. But 20-somethings today reject that idea and are pushing back against politicians and religious leaders who have been using them to amass votes for years and years. You’re a part of that revolution, and that’s exciting! And I think it’s going to get easier and easier for you to find other queer people who are reclaiming Christianity, who are doing just what Jesus said he was going to do and what we should all be doing when he announced his ministry publicly: Preach good news to the poor, bind up the brokenhearted, free the captives, and shine light into the darkness.

      The fact that you live in a place that has an easily accessible bike co-op makes me think the time for this reclamation, where you are, is already at hand!

      I think you gotta just be honest with the people you’re interested in as you get to know them. Talk to them about what your faith means to you, and about how it works in your life on a daily basis. If all that Fruit of the Spirit stuff is what you get, talk about that. Who doesn’t want to hear that their potential romantic partner is all about love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control? If it’s the “peace that passes all understanding” thing, talk about that. Again, who doesn’t want to be around someone whose soul is so sustained? Whatever it is that your faith means to you, however it manifests itself, just be honest about it. And don’t feel ashamed! True Christian faith is a like a warm blanket fresh from the dryer!

      If you want to meet people who are walking the same path as you, you can always try some online dating sites specifically for queer Christians. There are dozens! Or you can hit up your local mega church or attend one of the amazing praise and worship conferences that are always happening around the country these days. There are queer groups (small, but they’re there) at all of those things.

      Be open to all the possibilities that are open to you w/r/t romance, and be honest with the girls you’re into and honest with yourself. You’re gonna be great.

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      • Ah this was lovely Heather. Thanks for your words on this one and your wisdom. I’m going to be having some conversations with myself and upstairs and it’ll help get me where I need to go – but your reassurance helps. Thanks for listening and for being a good egg. I really appreciate it. <3

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27. I feel like a lot of advice deals with how to deal with the jerks in your life … my question is sort of the opposite of that.

    What are some signs that you are not respecting boundaries (or just generally being disrespectful) and what are some best practices to avoid unintentionally hurting people?

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    • The fact that you are even thinking about this and wondering and concerned is a sign that your heart is in the right place. The other fact of life is that even the best of us unintentionally hurt people we care about. It’s important to keep an awareness in your relationships and to pay attention to non-verbals that indicate discomfort or hurt. If you’re interacting with a friend and something feels off, pay attention to that. The other best tool is open and honest communication. That is hard for a lot of people but I like to check in with the people in my life. If something has felt off, I name it and ask. If I’m worried about something I’ve done, I bring it up. Foster relationships that are based on honesty and then be willing to hang in there and be accountable and do the hard work of moving forward.

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    • this is such a good question tara! and like Vikki i think it’s such a good sign that you’re thinking about it at all. i think that if you want to really intentionally focus on being a more positive force in people’s lives, a good place to start is to really practice skills that make space for and affirm their own experiences. this includes little things, like actively listening to them when they talk and making sure you’re not just thinking about what you’re going to say next, taking one deep breath for a pause before you start to speak to see whether they were really done talking or not, etc. you can also use active listening skills like affirming what they’re saying (“wow, that sounds like a super stressful day at work”) and asking clarifying or supportive questions that encourage them to keep talking (“does your boss do that often?”). these are pretty small things that are limited to a specific kind of personal interaction but i think the larger skills they require make a really big difference — doing these things requires really listening to another person and focusing intently on their experiences and feelings, which i think end up making a huge difference in your relationships in ways that ripple way beyond specific conversations.

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28. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Y’all have worked so hard for 6 YEARS and Autostraddle is really awesome because of it.
    questions:
    Should I take the 7 year old to see Sleater-Kinney with me? Yes, right?

    Do you mind small quotes or excerpts from A+ being posted on tumblr?

    You are giving us a gift on YOUR birthday. Why are you so amazing?

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    • HAY HEATHER!

      what is the venue for this sleater-kinney show?

      we do not mind small quotes or excerpts from a+ being posted on tumblr — in fact i LOVE it! as long as it’s not like, the most personal or revealing or upsetting part of the post. you know?

      we’re probably amazing because YOU’RE amazing ???!

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      • Sleater-Kinney venue is a theater. Seats are in the balcony. She loves loud rock music with all her heart and specifically Sleater-Kinney, but she’s just 7. I’m torn.

        “I think we’re ok with stuff being posted to tumblr in v. small doses! Hopefully it’s really impressive and makes everyone who reads it fall to the floor with incredulity and amazement and then they get up and join A+ immediately.” – This is kind of the idea, yeah. But then sometimes it’s just something that I really liked and wanted to have saved somewhere.

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        • this is actually probably a perfect venue for a 7 yr old! the likelihood that she’ll be trampled or have beer spilled on her is lowered substantially by it being a theater and you having balcony seats. you can just think of it as a really loud play — like probably it won’t be any more jarring than a wiggles concert or sesame street live, right? i’d make sure she has a handheld device she can play with if she gets bored, a blanket / pillow combo if she gets stressed or tired, and earplugs.

          i always ALWAYS wished i could be the mom who took her kids to concerts and rallies and shit, but it turns out that i didn’t really go to concerts or rallies, so. the closest we got was taking eli to tour de fat a couple of years ago and he LOVED IT. there are a ton of babies and kids at bonnaroo and i just don’t know how those people do it.

          ANYWAY GOOD LUCK!

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    • I do not know your seven year old and I have never seen Sleater-Kinney live but the only thing I can tell you is that my mom took me to see the Indigo Girls when I was like eleven and then to Lilith Fair when I think I was like 13? And look how I turned out! (Super queer.) So, you know, there’s that!

      I think we’re ok with stuff being posted to tumblr in v. small doses! Hopefully it’s really impressive and makes everyone who reads it fall to the floor with incredulity and amazement and then they get up and join A+ immediately.

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    • My friend brought her 4-year-old daughter to the Vagina Monologues once and she was fine. I mean, I think it depends on your daughter and how mature she is, whether she would enjoy it and have fun, etc. But if your parent gut instinct says that she will love it and be mature enough to handle the crowd, then go for it!

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    • Yes! When I saw Sleater-Kinney there were definitely some young kids there who were brought by their parents and they were totally rocking out and having a great time! So I say go for it!

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      • Thank you. That’s what I was hoping with the age group of most Sleater-Kinney fans.

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29. Question #2 for @Tinkerbell:

    My ladypartnerwife’s mum’s dog suffers from a congenital eye condition, and likely will have to have an eye removed. Can you offer some pooch-to-pooch advice on how to cope with this lopsided eye situation?

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    • hello sally, it is me tinkerbell.

      i practice looks in the mirror. first i tilt my head to the side and then to another side. then i turn to a side and then the next side. also i close my eyes and then open them.

      i would recommend to your ladypartnerwife’s mum’s dog that she finds a picture of an eyeball and cuts it out and sticks it to the place where her eyeball was, or else use a grape. or else you could get a little patch. or else you could be a dog with one eye. it’s okay. one day all of us will only have one eye. it can be her signature look.

      the most important thing is to remember like christina aguilera sang, “you are beautiful, no matter what they say.” for me, that is not so much of a thing because everybody says that i am beautiful so i already know.

      love tinkerbell

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      • Inspirational advice, Tinkerbell. Although that dismissive bitch Xtina says it matters not what I say, you are clearly beautiful right down to your polyester heart.

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      • This is the greatest advice. I love you Tinkerbell.

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30. Question #3:

    How the hell do people refer to their legally-bound partner people? My person and I are technically civil partners, which sounds ungainly, and wives makes me feel old.

    I am unsatisfied with the options and want something that sounds equal parts snappy, sassy, and patriarchy-busting.

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    • I recently wrote a 1500 word essay about this very thing because I cannot use the word “wife” and it makes my son (who is 13) crazy. I still say partner which is and has always been a weird and awkward word. So, I have no answer for you other but a similar desire for language that I love.

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    • My spouse calls me “wife,” but there is no word for what he is to me…”Lesbian husband” is maybe the closest? So here are some things I say instead because “genderfluid married partner boi” sounds weird.

      spouse or partner (plain and simple)

      partner-in-crime

      spousal unit

      first mate

      equally valid half (as opposed to better half)

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      • Oh my god I LOVE “equally valid half,” I’ve never heard it before and it’s adorable.

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    • it’s probably bc i’ve been brainwashed by our patriarchal society but i’m excited to call megan my wife. it feels sexy and solid and private — like just the word ‘wife’ implies that she and have things together that no one else will ever know about, and that’s hot.

      have you considered using words that have absolutely nothing to do with partnerships? like, “this is my noodle, [name]”? or “this is my starship trooper first class, [person].”

      and people would have to go along with it and respect it.

      “are you coming to the company picnic this weekend sally? i look forward to seeing your noodle!”

      “sally does your starship trooper first class have a good recipe for homemade almond milk? just thought i’d ask.”

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      • I think, for me, there is also a generational component to my issue with the word wife. For most of my adult, out life, I did not think legal marriage would be an option for me. For younger people or those who came out later, it probably seemed more inevitable. Culturally, the language of marriage has never belonged to me so it feels awkward for me now.

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        • that makes total sense, yes. it didn’t feel inevitable to me, and i super hated it when my ex-husband called me his wife, but in the past year a lot of my feelings about cultural traditions have shifted — THEY’VE EVOLVED omg — and i’m looking at things differently. to me it feels like i’m taking what’s mine because i’ve finally figured out what to do with it.

          but this is super real: “Culturally, the language of marriage has never belonged to me so it feels awkward for me now.” and i love talking about it because i think we’re at a really fucking interesting time in queer culture where we have so many overlapping generations and ideas and lived experiences and it’ll never be like this again? or maybe that’s just my snowflake syndrome, but this really does feel like a special moment in time wrt all the stories we could tell each other.

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          • Yes. To all of this. It’s been something I’ve thought a lot about because my son really presses the issue because he doesn’t understand why I just can’t use that word. So every single time I say partner for whatever reason, he brings it up. And I’m at that point in life where I have lived as an out queer for a really long time – more than half of my life – and I am often in awe of the way things have changed over time.

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          • Just FYI, I could listen to y’all talk about the language of marriage forever and ever amen.

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        • Wife is really loaded to me as a feminist and I’m glad that we can reclaim that through queerness. I’m so, so glad, but it still feels weird when my partner says it. Like, I know that he means wife as in, the person I married, this person with equal or maybe even slightly more power in the relationship, not my property, sexual conquest, etc etc. I can’t imagine calling my spouse my husband or my wife. It’s weird for me. I truly see them as a partner, as an equal. But now that we have marriage, “partner” is also loaded, as it connotes “less than” compared to “spouse/husband/wife.” What to do?

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          • I have no advice, just another person chiming in to say yes! me too! I’m in what people think is a straight relationship — not out as bi/queer to everyone, my guppy is a straight dude — but it’s not, because I’m not? And saying husband doesn’t feel THAT weird (almost 5 years in) but being a ‘wife’ sometimes really, really does.

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      • I now want to be someone’s Starship Trooper First Class. So thanks Laneia for making me realize a thing I didn’t know existed as a thing I wanted to be called.

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    • I call my wife my wife, my partner or occasionally Wifeasaurus Rex.

      For myself, I prefer partner or spouse but that’s me and my weird genderqueer self!

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    • My partner and I are civil partners too and personally I 100% just love the word partner. She’s my life partner, my partner for fun-times, the person I walk besides and who’s with me when she’s not with me and partnership is about all of that and more.

      So yeah I like that word and don’t find it awkward and say it with pride.

      My friend uses ‘fave’ :) and my friend who I’m with right now plumps for ‘person’.

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31. Happy birthday AutoStraddle!
    No questions, just wishes for many more

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    • Thank you!

      We have a question for you: where in the world are you, Carmen SanDiego?

      (does this every get old? I submit that it does not.)

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      • I am wherever my V.I.L.E henchmen need me.
        But in a few months I will be at A-Camp
        :)

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    • Thanks, Carmen!!!!

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      • ;)
        Gotta say I love your articles KaeLyn

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    • I LOVE YOU CARMEN SANDIEGO

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      • I LOVE YOU IN ALL CAPS TOO LANEIA!

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    • 

      ^ How I feel about you

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      • OMG THIS IS SO HUGE

        i’m sorry. i have big feelings.

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        • That is such a great gif!
          Gotta say your Self defense 101 was one of the highlights of last camp for me.
          Still waiting for the opportunity to punch someone like you taught us

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32. @heatherannehogan I have a friend who just admitted on facebook that she couldn’t read Harry Potter to her kids because it was too boring. In fact, she skipped to the end (and claims they didn’t notice!). I know this should be no big deal. But I’ve been thinking about it for days now. Can she still be my friend? Do I hide her facebook feed?

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    • Oh, PhillyBaba! My god! This happened DAYS ago? You should have reached out immediately. I’m sorry you’ve been going through this alone. Also, her children are going to grow up to hate her for skipping to the end! I’m sorry for everyone’s loss!

      I think the best thing you can do at this point is unfriend her and pretend she never existed.

      Or maybe she’s going through something right now and will be more open to magic in the future?

      Or maybe you should tell her the books get better and better and maybe she thought the first one was boring because she already knew everything that was going to happen?

      She only skipped to the end of Sorcerer’s Stone, right? Not to Deathly Hallows? If she skipped to the end of Deathly Hallows, do that first thing I said and CUT HER LOOSE.

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      • Thank you so much! I couldn’t even reply to the facebook thread, because her other friends (who are these people?) were mostly in agreement with her. Sheesh.

        I’m going to do all the things you suggested. Thank you.

        Best advice ever.

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    • ok heather has already answered this (perfectly) and i don’t mean to butt in BUT this question disturbed me so much, ha. is it POSSIBLE that she means like it was hard to read it out loud to them because she naturally wanted to go as quickly as possible and be swept up w the plot and get right to the end?? bc that’s how i might feel when reading it aloud bc i like to read super fast. most importantly maybe this is something you can pretend to yourself that she meant if you decide to stay friends with her ;)

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      • This is a lovely thing to pretend. Thank you.

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      • Laura, this was perfect.

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        • <3

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33. Ok so here is my conundrum…

    I’m going back to college next year after a few semesters off due to a chronic physical illness. I’m excited but also I’m historically really bad at school! I can’t handle it emotionally. I tend to procrastinate and get behind in schoolwork, which exacerbates my anxiety and low mood, I isolate myself socially, my productivity basically goes to zero… and once I get into that cycle I can’t get out. School seems so much easier for everyone else! Why am I so bad at it?

    If anyone has any coping strategies I would appreciate it! thanks guys!!! (PS happy birthday!)

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    • I have a similar thing—I over-commit to things and then, overwhelmed, I sit around watching Netflix until the situation becomes critical. Rachel had a good idea about productivity that I have stolen and modified—she said, in one of her Helping You Help Yourself articles, that if you’re having trouble starting, set a timer for 25 minutes and do the thing for 25 minutes, because you can do anything for 25 minutes. I modified it to 25 minutes work on the thing, 10 minutes household task because I know about myself that I am a task-switcher. I cannot do one thing for too long, or my brain shrivels up like a raisin. This doesn’t answer your whole question, but it may be a coping tool to use to stay out of the cycle in the first place (the part where you procrastinate and get behind). Try it and see if it works!

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      • Yes! This sounds exactly like me! I remember that Rachel productivity tip, but I haven’t tried it yet. The housework thing is a good idea, especially since, for me, chores tend to fall by the wayside when I’m super-stressed.

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      • I am in law school and JUST discovered this technique (I think it’s called the pomodoro technique?) and it helps SO much. There’s an app called Pomodoro and it tracks your time on work/break time and gives you a little tomato every time you complete a time cycle, which often gives me the extra push to finish.

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    • I have a couple of questions and then a couple of general things to say:

      1. Do you have any learning challenges? Or is the anxiety the primary issue?
      2. What have you tried in the past in regard to your struggle? Has anything worked?
      3. Do you have a good support system in place? Do you work with a therapist or counselor?

      You have a couple of things going for you already – you are excited and your have insight into your challenges. Good things!

      Depending on the answers to the questions above, there are many things to consider so I’m going to hold the rest of my advice until I hear back on those.

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      • Thanks for responding!

        1. I have difficulty concentrating, I talked to a therapist a while ago who thought I had ADD (this makes sense to me- a lot of the symptoms seem to match up) but I’ve never been “officially” diagnosed. Is this what you were asking?

        2. Things that usually helps are just to get out of my room/house and studying elsewhere & exercise (though I usually can’t sustain this for too long). I have tried breaking up large projects into smaller tasks & giving myself deadlines (people always tell me to do this) but it never works! I always blow off the deadlines I make for myself.

        3. I’m currently living with my parents who love and support me, and I can talk to them about some of this stuff. I have a few friends that I can go to but they are all moving away next year. I’m not seeing a counselor but I have (briefly) in the past.

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        • Annnnnnd I just realized that you are no longer online. Whoops!

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    • hey ellen! first of all CONGRATS on going back to school, i’m so impressed/proud! here are some thoughts!

      i don’t want to presume anything about your health situation or be that asshole who’s like “well have you tried THIS” but if it’s not something that’s already part of your life, i’d really recommend looking into some kind of counseling/therapy around this issue. when i was teaching, i saw SO many of my students struggling with deadlines and getting work done for reasons that seemed connected to anxiety. so jsyk, you’re not alone! this is something a lot of people are working through. and from my experiences both as a student and a teacher, a lot of school-anxiety problems often stem from regular-anxiety problems, and doing things to help cope with the latter can be really really helpful with the former.

      that said, as far as school goes specifically, here’s some things you can try:

      1. talk to people around you about this BEFORE it becomes a problem. make appointments with your instructors, with your advisor, with anyone you can and let them know proactively that you struggle with emotional/mental obstacles to schoolwork. that way if something does come up, it doesn’t come out of the blue for them, and it also means you don’t have the additional burden of having to bring it up because it’s already out of the way. you may be able to work out strategies or interventions with your instructors before a problem even comes up, which will make things a lot easier.

      2. even though school can be SUPER overwhelming, try to keep your focus limited — focus just on one thing on your plate at a time. If you have homework for bio, accounting and Spanish due tomorrow, try to maintain tunnel vision on just the first biology problem, and then just the second biology problem, etc. it will make it much more likely that you at least get some of the work done. even if this approach means that you only finish your bio homework, it’s better than finishing none of the homework. the motto is BETTER DONE THAN GOOD.

      3. see if you can identify the way that downward school spirals usually play out. are there specific triggers that usually start off a procrastination spiral, like a major project that you’re intimidated by? are there specific responses you often have, like netflix binging? if so, see if you can nip these in the bud. when you know that a major project is on the horizon, make alternate plans — schedule a series of dates with a friend to work on it in the library, and have a friend change your netflix password until the project is done. this isn’t a whole solution in itself — as above, anxiety is likely the root of this issue and changing patterns won’t fix the anxiety, but it might help remind you that doing this is possible!

      good luck ellen! we believe in you!

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      • Thanks Rachel! I’ve been to a therapist very briefly in the past through my school. It’s so difficult! But I will definitely consider seeing someone again.

        The tips are really helpful, I will keep these things in mind!

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34. I’m having feelings/issues about dating and sex as a plus size woman. I’ve dealt with a lot of discrimination against my body as a fat girl in the dating pool, which has left me feeling insecure. I’m equally as curious to hear from other plus size/fat peeps as I am non-fat folks who would or wouldn’t date someone who’s fat.

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    • Hey girl! I so hear you. I am a fattie and I am so totally in love with my hot bod. 80% of the time. The other 20% is spent battling the part of my brain that still tells me I’m too fat or unhealthy or gross or unlovable. But 80% of the time is pretty good and it took time to get here.

      Part of that has just been untraining my own brain to think of fat as undesirable. This is socially programmed into us, especially as women, from a unfathomably young age. For this reason, I have made a promise to never talk shit about my body in front of any future kids I have. From the moment you hear your aunt or mom or cousin lamenting about their thights, it’s all downhill. Your body is something to hate, to obsess over. So how do you get in the head-space where you love your body as it is? I’d start by just saying positive affirmations to yourself when those negative thoughts come up. It sounds so cheesy, but if you dedicate yourself to this, you will eventually start to believe your affirmations, I swear! Instead of, “Ugh. I hate my stomach/arms/neck/thighs,” think, “Wow, my body is beautiful and it does to many good things for me every day.”

      Also, start getting comfortable with fat bodies. You can start be checking out other fat hotties (like model, Tess Munster, or porn superstar, Courtney Trouble) to start to reprogram your mind to see fat as desirable. Ideally, though, you eventually should work up to looking at your own body, in all it’s nude glory, and work on affirming that your body is beautiful and desirable, too. Do good things for your body. Do yoga or other kinds of body movement. Eat nourishing and yummy foods. Buy clothes that make you feel and look great. Treat your body kindly, instead of pointing disapproving fingers at it.

      There will always be moments of doubt. As I get older, my body is changing more and my metabolism is slowing down. I went from a size 14 to an 18 over the past year or so and I got some new stretch marks because of it. It was hard to be OK with that, but I really am. Because bodies aren’t bad. Shame about bodies is what is bad. And every single person in the world has some insecurities about their body. Letting go of that is what sets you free.

      At the end of the day, it’s less about why or whether someone would date you at your current size and more about you deciding you deserve someone who respects and loves and desires you at your current size. You have to trust that your partner does love and desire you. And if a potential partner doesn’t, well, they can move on because you can do better than that.

      I should say, in the confessional of the web here, that I have had partners of various size: thin, average, fat. It has been easier to feel good about myself with a fat partner, because we are in the same boat. That said, it has also been more challenging in that we both have pretty deep self-esteem issues to work through and we can easily trigger each other.

      When I was in high school, I vacillated around a size 8-12. I thought I was so fat and I hated myself. Now, I’m almost double that size, but I’m so much happier. I don’t suck in my gut when I have sex anymore. I don’t try to hide my arms or legs. I love myself so much more. And I respect myself as a sexual person so much more, too.

      Good luck!

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35. Question #4:

    Will this post get more comments than the Taylor Swift post?

    Also, how weird is it that 5 years on, Taylor Swift seems kind of cool, and Lady Gaga has kind of faded and gone through a lot of uncool, appropriation-y shit?

    That’s not an open-ended question btw. I want precise measurement of the level of weirdness.

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    • I have such complicated feelings about Taylor Swift these days. Life is strange.

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    • I’m working on a piece about how Taylor Swift is a feminist now. It’s going to be nice and everybody will be very happy and will dance to ‘Blank Space’ with me

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      • I’m still rooting for her and Karlie Kloss.

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        • ME TOO

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      • As someone who hated Taylor Swift with a passion right up until 1989 came out and is now obsessed with her, I am very excited to hear this.

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      • Well this is extremely exciting news omg. I have listened to Blank Space and In Style *many* times in the past two weeks. But the video for Shake It Off is still really racist/appropriative, so it’s hard to have unbridled enthusiasm.

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      • Riese maybe you can include the blank space music video I filmed in the newark airport, idk, just a thought

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    • Taylor Swift is my personal bisexual Kristin Stewart. Meaning, that while normally I try to respect how people identify and don’t try to force identifies on them, she pings my gay(bi)dar so hard.

      Has fun but short term relationships with boys that enjoyable, but half the fun is talking about them with your friends( the world) and processing because boys are just another thing to bond over in your strong female friendships that fulfill all your emotional needs? Check.

      Makes out with friends while drunk and laughs it off? Check

      Is generally super handsy and affectionate with friends? Check

      Starts off conservative but embraces feminism and makes drastic life, style (and sound) changes. Check.

      I see you Taylor, I lived that life.

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    • I am such a fan of T-Swift now. I think probably BECAUSE of the personal growth she’s gone through (I mean, as far as we know)

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    • I’M MOSTLY CONCERNED ABOUT GIRL ON GIRL FIGHTS THAT SEEM TO BE HAPPENING WHEN TAY SWI SAYS SOMETHING THAT SEEEMS TO BE SORT OF ABOUT KATY PERRY AND I’M JUST LIKE PLEASE EVERYONE BE FRIENDS BC FEMINISM IS ONLY COOL IF IT ALSO MEANS BEING NICE TO EACH OTHER. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
      I AM PASSIONATE

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36. Ok guys my co workers want me to ask a question and i cant really give a good answer. But what is squirting and how does it happen or how do you do it?

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    • And why do u need to squirt? Theyre very excited for some answers

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    • Okay, whew, sorry, had to step away and do some other work. But I am here to answer your questions with the best resources out there.

      Are you ready?

      Okay.

      There are no resources out there that can tell us what squirting actually is. I tried to write a blog post on this once. Just one blog post. I interviewed medical people, an intern transcribed a bunch of stuff for me. And there is actually not enough scientific data out there to write even a blog post about what squirting actually is, let alone an article or a book. Modern medicine does, of course, know a lot of things about restless leg syndrome and erectile dysfunction. But people with vaginas are, once again, left out in the damn cold—probably because answering the question of what squirting is isn’t seen as particularly economically profitable. Who knows, though? One study recently came out of France that insists that squirting is urine, but I had major problems with that study. First, they looked at seven women. SEVEN WHOLE ENTIRE WOMEN, OMG. I mean seriously, no one can draw any conclusions with a sample size of seven. That is ridiculous. Also I found their research paradigm to be flawed in that they set out asking the question “is female ejaculate made of urine?” instead of “what exactly is female ejaculate?” I think the premise of the study reveals a lot about how we as a world think of women’s bodies/bodies with vaginas that are not women’s bodies, and in particular how the (male-dominated) scientific community thinks of us too. It didn’t attempt to answer any questions about what bodily processes grace us with squirting.

      Women/people with vaginas can practice squiring if they haven’t already done so/don’t just sort of do so naturally—we had an answer at the A-Camp sex panel once that involved the Njoy Purewand, laying in a bathtub and not worrying about if it was pee or not. Relaxing and getting yourself off with a penetrative toy that’s on the denser/harder side is a good way to get there, as is stimulating your g-spot with that toy. Many people worry about the pee thing because the sensation right before it happens can feel a little like you need to pee, but this is one of those times where you should just not worry about it and go with it—if you are fluid bonded to your partner(s), that is. If you aren’t, just make sure that toys, hands, mouths and genitals are protected with your usual barrier methods.

      As per your add-on question, no one needs to squirt. Like, it’s not a requirement. It’s not a box that anyone can check as required for pleasure or a good sexual experience. But people who do squirt (either practiced or naturally) aren’t doing anything untoward—their body is just doing it’s thing, and it’s not necessarily something they can or should stop doing.

      Hope these answers were helpful! And because of the mysterious nature of squirting, a bunch of people may have a bunch of different answers on this one.

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      • Yeah, everything Ali said. I would add that people get extra confused about squirting from watching pornography, where squirting is often the “prize” that proves a porn actor’s sexual prowess. In porn, some actresses have admitted they are straight up peeing. Others force the squirting by bearing down on their pelvic muscles. Very few porn videos show real squirting, which for the majority of peeps with vaginas, is more like a trickle or small spurt than a shooting hose.

        Nobody is missing out on anything by not being able to squirt. If it’s something that happens naturally for you, great. If you want to practice and learn it, that’s cool, too. But if you really don’t care or find it difficult or frustrating, it is not that important. Some people have g-spots that are less sensitive, so this may be more difficult for them. Also, squirting may or may not coincide with orgasm. It can happen all by itself. It often usually brought about by stimulation of the g-spot, which causes the urethral sponge to fill with liquid. It feels like a fullness, for lack of a better way to describe it, and, similar to orgasm, it feels like a mounting tension and release when squirting happens.

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    • How can you gather data from SEVEN WOMEN anyway?! We’re 50/50 at the moment about what squirting itself is. People say it’s ejaculate and some say it’s part pee. I think most people have a misconception that it’s like a hose that goes off because of porn. -___-”

      Thanks guys!! Interested to see what else other people have to say!!

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      • FYI – I feel really strongly that it isn’t pee. I’m in the “not-pee” camp. But even if it was in some way related to urine, who cares? It definitely doesn’t smell like urine. And I just don’t really care. Some bodies have this sexual response and there’s nothing wrong with it.

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    • Ok wait so if squirting isn’t like in the movies and it could be a trickle or just a small amount how can we tell squirting apart from female ejaculation?

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37. Who is your historical crush?! Mine is Grace Hopper.

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    • I’m supposed to be doing classwork rn, but I just popped back in to say ^ yes to that.

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    • I don’t have one! I need to get on this.

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    • lorraine hansberry i think! i mean.

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      • Oh, yes. Jane Austen.

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    • Dorothy Parker 100%

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    • Charlotte Bronte. (Okay actually it’s Jane Eyre.)

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    • amelia earhart

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    • lassie

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    • does Audrey Hepburn count?

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    • For Mallory, I would love to hear any of your coming out stories (to yourself, your sibling/friend/parent/cousin/teacher/whoever), but I totally understand if that’s too personal a question.

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    • Can I say Xena?

      Nope? Fair enough – Nancy Wake.

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38. How exciting! I have a super important (to me) cat question for @KRISTINNOELINE and @DANNIELLEOR.

    My precious grey kitten, Pearl, was a gift from my then live-in girlfriend for my 24th birthday. She’s the most talkative (like Janet) and cuddly (like Trey) little thing ever, and I’m 100% in love with her. Fast forward a year and a half, Pearl and I have been temporarily living with my parents again after a nasty break up. Pearl has taken a liking to my mother, which I think is great, but now she no longer sleeps in my room, comes to sit on my lap, etc etc like she used to. I feel like maybe it’s just because she sees my mom a lot during the day while I’m at work. But I’m not sure. She also turns her face away every time I try to take her picture/selfie with her. Ugh. The nerve. Is she mad at me? Does she hate me?!? Any ideas or thoughts on how I can get Pearl to warm up to me again (specifically, CUDDLE ME) would be greatly appreciated.

    Love you guys! Thank you for everything that you do.

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    • i’m so sorry, but you have to trick your cat into loving you with cat-weed and snacks. If you always have treats in your room, and your cat learns that if they get a treat from you, they also get 6hours of cuddles, PERHAPS, cat will then be tricked into loving you again.

      Let’s be real – Cats have walnut sized brains and they love the most whoever cuddles them most. Maybe give your mom a bunch of errands to run during the day, so she is also not home.

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      • listen listen LISTEN.
        i agree about cat-weed and snacks BUT I DISAGREE on cats loving whomever cuddles them most…

        my experience with cats is that the LESS you pay attention to them the MORE they crawl all over you. so my advice is to try being a bit aloof for a week and see what happens.

        also while i was typing that trey sat straight up during a nap, opened his eyes quickly, and LOUDLY meowed in my face.
        so maybe i am wrong and maybe now trey also doesn’t like me.

        this was helpful… right?!

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        • It’s like he knew you were talking about another cat!

          That’s a great idea. I’m going to try acting like it’s whatever. Ugh.

          Thank you. :)

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      • Treats in my bedroom is such a great idea! Can’t believe I didn’t think of that.

        Tell Janet I said hey.

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    • My mom tries to steal my cat with snuggles, too…ugh moms, get your own kitties!

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39. Any ideas for how to respond to people who make a snarky comment/bigoted joke/

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    • It depends on the relationship you have with the person making the comment and if you feel safe calling them out. In a dark alley all by yourself? Probably not a good time to get into it. With friends and family and acquaintances, I try to just be direct and say, “That comment bothers me and this is why.” I do always try to come from a kind place because they generally can hear what I have to say easier. More flies with honey and all that.

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    • (Aaah, it cut me off!) /hurtful attitude/something that makes you uncomfortable, towards a subset of their oppressed community which you aren’t part of?

      Ex: from someone bisexual when you don’t identify as bisexual “I stopped being one of those lazy bisexuals and actually started dating women”

      Or, when you are white and the other person is half-white: “Haha, they thought I was a [racial slur attached to the ethnic group on their other side]”

      Because my first instinct is to back off from their visible processing of internalized crap, but at the same time I worry about them broadcasting it unchecked to vulnerable people?

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      • I’m not staff but my tactic is always feigned ignorance, making them explain.

        You know, plink plink your eyes, “Bisexuals are…lazy? I don’t get it.”

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40. Happy bday Autostraddle!!!!!111!!!1!

    To whomever wants to answer: What would your first act of life be if you won one of those 100+ million dollar jackpots?

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    • i love this question because i fantasize about it all the time because my number one goal in life is to have a full savings account and property, so i would do that! buy land in tennessee and have just the prettiest, plumpest savings accounts for my kids.

      then! i would buy the land for autostraddle’s self-sustaining separatist community and hire the right people to help us oversee its creation and then i’d throw myself into founding our very own birthing center. ALL I WANT IS A BIRTHING CENTER AND A GARDEN AND SOME SAVINGS ACCOUNTS.

      and a cat, ok? i really want a cat.

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    • My plan used to be that I would quit my job first. But then I quit my job anyway. Yay. Now, I would pay off my mortgage and the mortgages of my friends and family.

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    • I would buy a farm in Wales and give the rest away. It’s been my main dream for as long as I can remember.

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    • I’d pay off the debt of everybody I love and then I’d buy property for the Autostraddle year-round farm / camp / library / community center and launch all these other Autostraddle expansion ideas we’ve had and everything would be beautiful and nothing would ever hurt

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    • I would pay off my debt (I’ve got it down to like 4k, so this is also my ‘first thing’ if i get any lump some of money and I will probably tweet on the day it happens) – I would then buy a house with a bit of land, send my dad a bunch of money to fix up his house, find someone to help me build a comprehensive proposal about how it’s much better for the economy to build multiple housing / learning center / job search places RATHER than pretending like homelessness isnt’ a fucking monster of an issue. You TURDS, we can v easily fix this if we just work together for like a year. You know? It would be so easy if we could just find a way to explain the right things to the right people.

      so… yea.

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41. I have many questions for anyone who wants to answer!

    1. Due to mental health issues, I’ve been completely isolating from friends for a long time (many of whom don’t live near me and are more or less online friends anyway). I get really lonely and start to feel like no one cares about me, but at the same time I don’t feel like I can reach out, and I’m so insecure I sort of assume they’re all mad at me for not being in touch for so long, anyway. Any advice on how to deal with this? I miss my friends very much, but I don’t have an easy time maintaining relationships.

    2. Sort of related: My partner and I are in a poly relationship. (She’s poly by nature; I’m not but I’m not entirely monogamous either and we’re both happy with the arrangement we have.) She’s actively seeking out other partners, which is mostly fine with me, except when I’m having a bad mental health day. I’m not really feeling like I have the energy to deal with new relationships right now, but that only makes it feel worse on the occasions that I do get jealous. I’m planning on dating when I start to feel up to it. Is there anything I can do to make myself feel better about the situation right now? (I should probably add that breaking up is not something I am interested in considering. We’ve talked about that and gotten past it and we’re both very much in love and devoted to each other. She gets where I’m at. I just don’t want to be constantly throwing my problems at her anymore. I’m aslo in the middle of a med change right now, so I’m feeling lousy about it fairly often, but I know I’ll feel better once my brain chemistry settles down.)

    3. I’m on the autism spectrum and I don’t know who to tell or how to tell them. My parents, grandparents, support team and some friends know. I’m scared that if I tell the rest of my family, they won’t understand and will just see me as disabled. They’re aware that I have bad anxiety attacks and have witnessed some of them before, but this is a lot more stigmatized and a lot more nuanced than I expect them to get. At the same time, it’s a big part of who I am and I feel like I’m hiding and lying, especially when people ask me questions about my job hunt or what I do with my time. I know it’s not something everyone needs to know, but I’m also big on activism and visibility and I don’t like feeling like a hypocrite that way. At the same time, I’m scared. I just got diagnosed two years ago, when I was 25, and it put a lot of my life into perspective and was a huge relief, but at the same time, it’s all still pretty new. I’m not sure how to put this into question form at the moment.

    4. This is probably the most general question I have that any of you could answer! I used to write all the time, constantly, when I was younger. Mostly short stories and poetry, but I was also writing in journal form and writing for school. I dropped out of college in winter 2006 and wrote my last story in 2007. It was the longest thing I’ve ever written and burned me out for a long time. I’ve written one personal story since and several poems here and there, but I’ve basically had writer’s block for eight years. Being a writer used to be a big part of my identity and I feel like I’ve lost a piece of who I am. Does anyone have any ideas of how I can get my brain back on track? (Something that makes things a bit harder for me: I have executive functioning difficulties, so if it’s a thing I need to train myself to do every day, I probably won’t be able to keep that up.)

    Sorry this is so long-winded!

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    • re: #4.

      read.

      read the writers that make you want to write, read the writers that inspire you, read the writers whose voices remind you of your voice. read.

      also though; you never know when a thing that used to be a huge part of you could come back. i used to want to be a film-maker and it was all i lived and breathed for so long, and then in 1998 i didn’t get into NYU film school and i quit. i didn’t pick up a camera or edit for years. then in 2006, my BFF haviland and i made a vlog for a friend and when i started editing it, it all came back to me, how much i missed editing! and i’ve been making videos and editing them on the reg, even professionally, ever since.

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      • Thanks, Riese. I do read a lot, but less than I used to, and I definitely think that’s a big part of it. I mostly read online now. I think reading more books might be a big help.

        It’s also really heartening to hear about your experience with film-making! Thanks a lot.

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        • yes! i read a ton online and lots of articles too, but i notice with myself that the times when i feel most inspired to write creatively (and, consequently, most like a human living up to her full potential) are when i’m reading a really good book. ideally in print.

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    • Hey Zoey! I have some thoughts on your third question but no real clear answers because it’s hard, right? It’s another type of coming out. You should tell people when you feel ready, when there is a clear reason/need/desire to do so. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your relationship and with your mental health with the med changes and I think you should cut yourself some slack on this right now. You mention the importance of visibility and activism and I completely agree AND I think you should also be compassionate with yourself and give yourself time. You aren’t lying – you are dealing with some things. Put yourself first.

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      • Hi Vikki! It does feel like another type of coming out. I guess the reason I’m thinking about this so much right now, even with everything else going on, is that I know I’m going to have to deal with a lot of uncomfortable questions on Passover, which is also a reminder that even a stranger’s casual, “So what do you do?” is a very personal, uncomfortable question for me right now.

        Thank you for the advice. It’s helpful to remember to be more compassionate with myself; I tend to be not only harsh but very mean to myself, and it’s something I’m trying to work on. I really appreciate everything you had to say.

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    • HELLO ZOEY. these are many excellent questions and the only one i have any level of expertise relating to is #4 so i’m gonna talk about that!

      let’s not worry about the frequency at which you write for right now — let’s focus on writing something, anything. i find personally that if i haven’t written in a while, then the imagined stakes of the next thing i write become really high; i stress out a lot about it being good. which is unhelpful! the best approach i think is to focus for a while on quantity instead of quality, and really revel in “bad” or trivial writing for a while as a way to just reconnect with it. here are some general ideas, some of which may resonate with you and some of which may not!

      1. here are some ideas Lynda Barry has about keeping a diary — she recommends a practice of (at least at first) just writing down things you saw and heard that day, maybe drawing some doodles as well.

      2. if you can locate a list of questions or prompts somewhere — i like this book — it helpfully cuts out the “what do i write about” step. just open to a page, pick a question that seems interesting, and go for it! practice not focusing on whether it’s “good” but just getting words on the page.

      3. when you were learning the physical act of writing, like forming letters, you likely imitated already-formed letters as a way to practice. you can do the same thing with sentences and paragraphs — try copying another text that you like or find interesting word for word, just to get into the rhythm of writing. then you can start tweaking it — change words to something that sounds more like you, or see how much you can change the meaning of a paragraph just by changing all the adjectives, etc. cross out words to make an erasure poem/blackout poetry. i had a writing teacher once who suggested rewriting something by trying to find the “opposite” of each word. how would you rewrite “My mother isn’t home” as an opposite sentence? What’s the opposite of mother? What’s the opposite of home?

      4. if you’re feeling stuck and uncreative, try writing very concrete and literal descriptions of the world around you. see how specifically and in how much detail you can describe the person sitting in front of you on the bus. try to describe exactly the texture of the blanket on your couch. this can sometimes sort of loosen the screws on more “creative” thinking, and even if it doesn’t, it can be a really satisfying exercise.

      5. try writing lists! i love lists so i’m biased but truly the options here are ENDLESS. you can start very basically: a list of features your dream home would have, a list of pairs of shoes you own, a list of books you remember reading in grade school. you can branch out and get as broad as you want: a list of things that remind you of summer, a list of scents you like, a list of cupcake flavors you never want to try. once you start i find it’s often both very soothing and very pleasurable.

      GOOD LUCK ZOEY i hope we get to read some of your writing someday!

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      • Hi Rachel! Thanks so much. These are wonderful pointers and I’m copying this comment into an email to myself so I can keep going back to it.

        I hope you’ll all get to read my writing someday, too! Two of my major writing goals are: 1. Have a first-person essay published on Autostraddle someday; 2. Have at least one book published someday. So who knows, maybe it’ll happen! :)

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      • Rachel why are you so amazing though

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    • hi zoey! i’m going to take a swing at #1, because i get into cycles like this a lot, and the guilt of not responding to a text becomes all-consuming and it ruins my life until one day i can’t take it anymore and i CRACK. and it’s like i have nothing left to lose — i’m already convinced they hate me and never want to speak to me again, i already hate myself for not staying in touch, nothing could get any worse here. so i just lay it all out there and then the most beautiful thing happens! THE BALL IS IN THEIR COURT. the ball has been rotting in my court for SO LONG and i’ve been staring at it and hating it and wishing i could move it and now i can! and i have! i’ve moved it all the way to THEIR COURT. they can either forgive me and we can start talking about normal things again, or they won’t forgive me and we’ll move to a different court (the court of grief, which is separate topic). but either way oh man the ball sure is in their court! HOORAY.

      i usually break the silence with a sincere apology for taking so long and falling out of touch, give a brief explanation (“i’ve been dealing with some mental health issues and it effectively put my entire life on hold for X weeks, but things are improving now!”) and let them know i’ve missed them. then i ask about their lives and make it clear that i still remember what’s important to them by asking about those things specifically.

      it’s not always easy or possible, but i also try to respond to their reply within 24 hrs. unless their response involves something urgent or time-sensitive, i usually don’t reply immediately because i think this sets people up with unrealistic expectations of my time and our future together. the important thing here is not to apologize for taking 6 hrs to reply (or whatever works for you) because you need to let them know that this is a more realistic expectation of your response time. and don’t forget that it used to take people literally months to hear back from someone because LETTERS. so.

      mostly you just have to trust that your friends don’t hate you for falling out of touch — this actually happens a lot to a lot of people and is kind of natural to an extent — and they’ll probably just be super excited to hear from you.

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      • Thanks so much, Laneia! This is incredibly helpful.

        One of the people I’ve been sort of dating (which started back when I thought I had the mental energy for it) takes almost as much time to reply to texts as I do sometimes, and it does help me feel better – they have some mental health issues, too, so I feel like we understand each other.

        Most of my friends are pretty understanding. I think I’ll probably get it, I just need to get out of my own way for long enough to explain and apologize. Thanks again!

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        • “I think THEY’LL probably get it,” is what I was trying to say there.

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42. YOU GUYS this is a very important question for all of you:

    What’s your favorite color? Has this changed over time/throughout your life? Do you think there’s any particular reason why?

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    • Mine is orange because it is the color of the University of Tennessee Lady Vols basketball team, which has been my favorite sports team/obsession since I was a child!

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    • sometimes i say purple and sometimes i say red
      i think i like rich colors that can be dark and feel like drinking something hot while reading under a blanket fort

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    • Blue. I’ve always been drawn to blue and I think it’s because I grew up around lakes which seems a little crazy. I only had this insight over the weekend when I was compiling my favorite pictures and they were all of sky and lakes.

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    • Red red red red red. It’s always been red. Whenever I see it or wear it I feel happy and alive. My wallet, notebook, journal, hat, scarf, socks, BOAT are all red.

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    • I usually say red or purple or both. I wear a lot of black and I turquoise, though, and I tend to like colors in the jewel tone family.

      I think I like color combos most, though, like I love purple and green together. I love red and black together. I love turquoise and red together.

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    • i like oranges and yellows and reds to look at and wear. i think most of my clothes are neutral and i bring in those other colors with accessories.

      but if something is going to be really personal and important, i almost always go for deep blues or purples. i think because my birthstone is amethyst, so purples feel sacred to me and i don’t want to use them all the time or just here and there — i want to save those colors and use them with intention and my whole heart.

      ANYWAY THAT WAS A LONG ANSWER.

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    • Currently, my favorite color is any sort of deep/night-sky blue. But growing up it never was, because I had this insane little kid philosophy that my favorite couldn’t be the same as anyone else’s, and my mother’s favorite color was navy.

      The first favorite color I remember having was purple. My room was purple. So was everything else.

      The second favorite color I remember having is yellow—the first sentence I ever wrote was in my kindergarten journal, and it was “My dad painted my room yellow.”

      For a large swath of elementary and middle school, my favorite color was lime green. Everything was lime green except my room—I don’t know how my parents talked me out of that one. Probably by telling me my eyes would bleed.

      In high school, my favorite color was orange because my boyfriend’s favorite color was orange. lolololol

      And then I grew up. I arrived at navy/deep/night-sky blue because in the end I turned into my mother. And that isn’t such a very bad thing, to have the same favorites as my mother.

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    • my fave color right now is GREY/GRAY.

      It’s my fave color for clothes, walls, technology, grey/gray can turn into a nice silvery pretty easily and it goes with basically everything.

      the only grey/gray stuff i’m not into is food bc usually that means it’s gross

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    • My favorite color is green, like a nice nature green, like a forest in the spring after it rains.

      But my favorite colors for my personal fashion are black and blood red. Because, you know, I’m a witch.

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    • It was purple when I was little. I would have everything purple. Then it became Teal. Like specifically teal. I’m not sure why I changed. I grew up? Purple was the color of my youth?

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    • Green used to be my favorite color. When I was in elementary school, I read somewhere that geniuses tended to like the color green, and I wanted to be a genius, so.

      Now I would say that my favorite color is coral. Or turquoise.

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    • I have a thing for a very specific shade of light pink (pantone 230 c if you want to get specific), but my favourite color of all time is a deep, royal blue. It’s so striking, looks wonderful on everyone and feels very lavish. It might be because my birthstone is a sapphire, or at least heavily influenced by that fact.

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43. Birthday party! I’m home sick from work today so seeing this made my day.

    – My boo and I are long overdo for a little vacation. My PTO renews in June, so we thought it might be fun to go somewhere, maybe even during Pride (we don’t do much in Minneapolis for it except the parade these days, maybe visiting a different city would get us excited for it again). Portland or San Fran??

    – have you guys thought about making a forums section on the website, or even a Reddit group?

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    • I loved Portland and haven’t been to San Fran – I know. Blasphemous. But mostly I just wanted to say, “Hey fellow Minneapolitan!”

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    • – I live outside of San Fran… and I would recommend Portland, to be honest! SF is a great city, but it’s outrageously expensive these days. Portland is much more affordable and also my favorite craft store is there: http://collagepdx.blogspot.com. I love visiting Portland. You can also check out SUCH NATURE in the area. Also SF Pride is crowded and hot and super-corporate.

      – We do have forums, kinda, on buddypress, but nobody uses them!

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44. Is anyone watching Alpha House? I binge-watched seasons one and two this weekend (well, just a few more to finish up tonight). There are two out actors on it. There are two actors who have previously played lesbian characters. And there are two lesbian characters. And it’s pretty funny. I’m surprised I haven’t heard more about it here on the lesbian blogging community.

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    • I’m watching it. I had no idea it existed, but then one of my friend’s friend’s cat’s aunt’s sister’s nephew’s daughter is like a writer for the show or something or…anyway, my friend told me to watch it. I think the writing is pretty great! The lesbian story lines are not front and center and are not in every episode, which is probably why no one else has picked it up here, but also because I don’t think a lot of people know it exists. We probably should, though, because Cynthia Nixon is in it! But not playing a queer character, but she’s there and she’s killing!

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      • Wanda Sykes is also killing it! And, honestly, so are Yara Martinez and Julie White.

        No pressure to cover it here. It is probably 85% a show by and about men.

        I’m just glad to know at least one other person is watching it.

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        • Wait, how did I forget about Wanda Sykes. She’s my favorite part of the show!

          It’s been a hot minute since I binge-watched it. Yeah, I think the reason no one has covered it is that’s it’s mostly about dudes. But I agree there are some great queer subplots and out actors that deserve probs.

          Yara Martinez is the absolute best. I love her on Jane the Virgin, too!

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45. @green – What kind of snacks?! Important. re: this tweet

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    • 

      the beer is for later obvs

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46. Single for a few years, and ’putting myself out there’ but not really getting any interest back. I feel like I’m unlovable and quite possibly going to be single forever. Help? Advice?

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    • I think you should switch your focus and concentrate more on the kind of partnership you want to have. You are you, you know? You have spent your life learning and growing and creating thing person you want to be, you did a great job! HOWEVER, we live in a world that tells you what you’re ‘supposed’ to be and ‘supposed’ to like and it’s all bullshit and it’s all wrong.

      Take a couple of hours today or tomorrow and make a list of the qualities you want in a partnership. Really meditate on them, too! Take your time, go back to the list, change things, etc.

      THAT WAY, when you’re meeting someone you might wanna date, you’re thinking about the things they offer. You’re not soooo focused on trying to put yourself out there as something they’re interested in, you know? You’re not concentrating on you at all, which equals you have more of an opportunity to be your genuine self.

      and then watch this TED TALK: https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating?language=en

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    • Oh my goodness me, this is so sad and awful! First off, you are absolutely not unlovable and if you want love and partnership then that’s what you are going to have. I promise you.

      You haven’t asked for this but I’m going to take a liberty here and draw you a couple of tarot cards because I really think it would help if you could see what amazing qualities you have as a person. If you don’t want this, I am sincerely sorry and you can obviously completely ignore this!

      Okay WOW. I asked the cards about your unique strength as a person, what you would bring to a future relationship and also how you can keep strong within yourself right now. We got The Hermit and The Magician, both major, important cards.

      

      The Hermit says that being alone is a part of your journey and it’s totally okay. You have an inner light which not everybody sees right away, and it’s possible some people are intimidated by this idea that you’re quiet and a thinker – you know how people who talk a lot and date a lot can be very outgoing, and get uncomfortable around the quiet ones? They worry what you’re thinking – but you should be proud of this. When the right person/people do come along, they’ll recognise this as a beautiful quality and actually want to *learn* from you.

      Secondly The Magician is one of the most powerful cards in the tarot. You have everything you need right there at your disposal – all four elements, all of the tools of these elements. At this point, maybe you haven’t learned to lay your hand on exactly what you need at each moment – as The Hermit you’re still figuring that stuff out. But when you do, oh boy – you’ll make some serious magic. You’ll come into your power at precisely the right time for you and it will be like an explosion – suddenly you’ll find you can manifest whatever you want in your life.

      So yeah! Powerful stuff, it’s amazing you got these too really huge cards. You’re *AMAZING* and deep and clever and magical and you’re going to be absolutely fine. Be patient while you figure your shit out, and then when you’ve done that (and it could take a long time, you can’t rush The Hermit!) go get whatever you want.

      xxxx

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47. My girlfriend has moved from Australia to my country, mostly so we could be together, and there are plenty of good sides. On she bad side, she is lonely, homesick, bored with her program, and depressed. I feel guilty that she’s in a place she doesn’t like. On top of this, her depression makes her sometimes callous, impatient, and prone to lash out at me, which is slowly hacking at my self-esteem. Any advice? I feel terrible.

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    • Hey, I’m not 100% sure this advice will be relevant to you because I’m not sure how long your girlfriend has been there. But when I moved to France (for a study abroad program), the professors warned us that, at about three months in, all our manic excitement would wear off and be replaced with culture shock. All of a sudden, everything would feel difficult and no one would want to leave their apartment. Instead, they would want to stay in bed all day and read books that remind them of home and generally exhibit all the signs of depression without ever being diagnosed with depression. Then the professors told us that the best way to combat this thing (this totally temporary thing that comes with living in a new place and is actually not clinical depression), was to still pretend like we were manically excited to be there, to check in with each other and make sure we went out and did things. And that in time this would subside—we would stop feeling like even getting to the grocery store was an epic task and probably we would no longer accidentally use the word for “pubic hair” in our French public speaking class (I did this, I went home and cried). Since our time there was limited though, they assured us, we would be grateful to our friends for dragging us out even when we did not feel like it and trying to speed up the process of getting used to living in a very different place.

      Of course we didn’t believe them. Until about March when, sure enough, none of us were calling each other to go out. We relied heavily on the expats who had moved there before us and our French friends to drag us out and do things. We took trips. We played a game called “Let’s Find Our New Favorite Bar.” We had many favorite bars. Briefly I joined a knitting circle. Which leads into my advice—regardless of the reasons for your girlfriend moving, she had agency and she chose to do this. Regardless of her reasons, getting used to a new place is really hard—it can take months. Ask her if she feels like this applies to her—and if it does, then make a recurring plan that takes you both out to do literally anything once per week. Ask her what she misses about home and then show her its equivalents here—and I don’t mean literal equivalents. For example, right about March I was missing American diner food. We tried to go to an American style diner to assuage the longing, but it just wasn’t the same. So we asked instead, “where do y’all go when you just want super junk food?” We got a variety of answers, many of which I had a lot of fun trying out.

      As for homesickness with regards to family and friends, that’s tougher. But we do live in an age of Skype and Google Hangouts—I Skyped into Easter dinner while I was away from my family. But handwritten notes and packages were better—and your girlfriend should be the initiator on those. When you send a letter or a package, someone is going to send you a letter or a package back. I have two friends who are pen pals but in characters that they’ve made up—find ways to connect with faraway friends that are creative and fulfilling because of their form and far-ness, not poor imitations of what it’s like to be geographically close.

      And then there’s you to consider—you said this is chipping away at your self-esteem. Repeat after me—this has nothing at all to do with you. Nothing. Your girlfriend isn’t calculating how to best passively aggressively let you know anything—she’s just feeling a lot of feelings right now, and you are probably the safest person to express them to because she likely doesn’t know a bunch of people where y’all are living now. Whenever she lashes out, you can let her know that you know she’s got a rough go right now, and that you love her, and that what she just said hurt your feelings. But that you also know she didn’t mean to—and could she maybe please try not to snap at you when she knows you’re on her team? You get to feel your feelings too, but definitely don’t make the mistake of thinking all of her mood swings are directly about you.

      Hope some or all of this was helpful! Congrats on the move—likely, this will all get better.

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    • Aaaaah… this is kind of similar to my situation but in this case I am the person that is living in another country to stay with my boo. You should not feel bad! You did not make her move, it was her decision too. Sometimes when I feel like everything sucks and I wish I could just be with my family and not have to worry about rent and possibly being homeless I get like ‘this is your fault! you brought me to expensive LA’ but the reality is that I made that decision too. Something we try to do is ‘clear communication’, it is hard but when it comes to highly emotional situations it is important to communicate clearly. For instance, if we are starting to get into an argument about out dog and I am feeling particularly sad that day I say ‘just so you know, I feel pretty sad today’ just in case emotions get out of control. Much love to you two!

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    • In my experience (and in watching friends) I think the first year in a new country is the hardest. It does get better over time, though. It’s important for her to build relationships with local folks – and not just you and your friends, either. I know that’s not always easy to do, though.

      I really don’t have any advice other than to push through. It’s not easy, but it does get easier.

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    • Hello, I have moved to two different countries – both times one of the factors that prompted the move was that I couldn’t bear to be in that country anymore and wanted to go somewhere better. I am not someone who gets homesick very often.

      EVEN THEN, it sucked. Culture shock is a hell of a thing. Being homesick for things you KNOW suck is a thing – because at least you KNOW what it is, when this new city is totally alien to you! Regret is a hell of a thing. Moving is one of the worst stressors in life, and moving internationally can be its own special kind of hell.

      My most recent international move was from Brisbane, Australia (ha!) to San Francisco Bay Area. I WANTED to move to SF – I was getting stagnant and suicidal in Brisbane and it was pretty much move or die. I had been in SF for a summer previously and fell in love, and wanted to go back. The first month in SF was super hard. I got really sick and couldn’t figure out my healthcare situation. I lost interest in my original grad school subject matter. I was dealing with coming out and with leaving a really good relationship simply because we became sexually incompatible. It took a while, and a lot of personal help, to really help me move past the slump.

      Does your girlfriend have any other friends in your city besides you? Can you encourage her to do so? Does she hang out with your friends? Loneliness can be a huge factor – it’s really hard to rebuild your entire social system from scratch especially when you’re trying to figure out school AND living AND logistics etc etc at the same time.

      One of the things I did when I moved that really helped was to scope out what was going on in town and checking it out. Events, festivals, openings, parties, volunteering, anything at all. Pick up a free newspaper, pick a gig, go. I built so many connections and interests from it. It’ll give your girlfriend something to look forward to (I too was bored of my school both times and spent more energy on non-school stuff) and help her make connections too.

      I’m sorry that her depression is affecting you. I was getting to that point with my ex-boyfriend in Brisbane (hence the move to SF) and really it was not healthy for both of us. Once I moved to SF and found things I was interested in, rather than stagnating and depressed in bed with no future in Brisbane (long fuckin’ story), we actually had a MUCH better friendship and companionship.

      Also, you’re not obligated to stay. I know she moved for you, and I know that if she has to leave it can be a logistical nightmare. But please don’t feel like you are trapped into taking care of you if you’re struggling! Get some support for yourself too. Maybe take all the above advice and use it for yourself so you can catch a break? Either or both of you get therapy? (Therapy can help so much with the culture shock.)

      Feel free to contact me whenever – me[at]creatrixtiara[dot]com . Good luck! <3

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48. Hello lovelies! Happy birthday!

    So, backstory: I used to not like myself a lot. I had problems with my skin color and my sexuality and a whole bunch of other stuff, but in the past year I’ve gotten past all that. I’m great! I’m a biracial lesbian and it’s great! However, I still suck at talking to women. I’m a femme and I like other femmes, which means I usually end up attracted to/obsessed with straight women. I was wondering if any of you have advice for meeting other femmes for either dating or friendship, besides going on OkCupid (I’m also kind of bitchy. Picture Ali DiLaurentis trying to navigate OkCupid).

    I also have a question for @riese. Did you ever end up going to Disneyland? If you haven’t yet, wait until at least the end of May. The park is having its diamond celebration (60 years!) and all of that stuff starts May 22, which means they’re currently renovating the parks. (The castle was tarped off for a bit, which was AWFUL, and the whole Splash Mountain area is closed off and the Matterhorn is closed and they keep closing random other rides for maintenance.)

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    • hello heather! thank you for inquiring about whether or not my DREAM AND THE ONLY THING I WANT IN THE WORLD came true. unfortunately, we did not make it to disneyland because we couldn’t afford it, and then something terrible happened and we had to go back to the midwest on christmas anyhow, so life has its ways of you know, being life.

      thank you for the tip about when to go because a disneyland without splash mountain is just a bunch of banana stands, you know?

      okay as to your other question… i’d suggest an autostraddle meet-up, of course! also i think there’s an autostraddle facebook group just for femmes BUT ALSO, kristin russo is going to answer your question when her shift starts, and she will be much better at it than me. i think.

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      • If you’re out here for A Camp and you decide to stay longer and go to Disneyland, let me know and I’ll send you a ton of advice about where to eat and where not to eat and how to make the most of your experience because I’ve become an expert on not waiting in lines.

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        • HELLO I am going to disneyland right before camp (probably with a bunch of my cabinmates. Please will you share your disneyland wisdom?

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          • HELLO! Okay, food: avoid Pizza Port. I know it’s cute and will remind you of Toy Story, but it’s the worst food in the park and you don’t get enough for your money. The Mexican place in Frontierland is good (I like their salads), and the chicken nuggets in The Golden Corral (also in Frontierland) are SO GOOD. Also the gumbo in New Orleans Square. Or the burgers in Tomorrowland. The meals are a better deal than the snacks–most meals will cost $9-$14, while a tiny Mickey ice cream will cost you like $5 and not fill you up at ALL. Also, California Adventure sells alcohol. The beers are good. The margaritas are wicked sugary and syrupy, so I’d avoid those. One of the cones in Cars Land sells some kind of vodka drink, which I’ve never had but apparently isn’t awful. And the Mad T Party area (right now it’s Frozen but it’s changing back May 22nd, I think) sells a few cocktails, which are decently strong.

            Rides: Get to CA Adventure early and get your fastpass for the Cars ride. HOWEVER. When the park opens the line for the fastpasses is huge (it’s like a 20-30 minute line), so go on the Toy Story ride or Tower of Terror and then go back to get the Cars fast pass. I’d recommend then going over to Dland, going on Space Mountain, then getting a fastpass for Indiana Jones and then going on Thunder Mountain. Don’t go on Pirates or Haunted Mansion when there are lines; the rides clear out during Fantasmic performances, and towards the end of the night, so wait until then. The advantage of getting the bigger rides out of the way is that you can spend the busiest hours (noon to four PM) meeting characters and eating snacks and exploring. It’s a work out, but going between parks all day is the best way to get things done, especially if it’s crowded. Do Splash Mountain early or late; the warmer the day is, the more crowded that ride will be. Depending on how many people you have, you can do single rider lines for rides like the Matterhorn and Splash. I’ve done that a few times and it may take a little while for everyone to get one (like, you’ll get on and then it’ll take six cars for the next person in line to go on), but sometimes that is still faster than getting in line.

            Pay attention to your fastpasses–the parks are stricter about letting you use them, so if you arrive at the ride 10 minutes after your window, you won’t be let on. And there’s a note on them that say when you can get new ones, so if you grab one for Thunder or Indie and your little window is for 4:30 PM and it’s only 11:30 AM, that means you’ll be able to get another fastpass in 2 hours for another ride.

            The roller coaster, California Screamin, is my favorite ride in CA Adventure. If the line goes out of the normal queue and starts winding up the ramp, get a fastpass. Otherwise, get in line, because even at the longest part of the normal queue, the wait is only 25ish minutes. Both Toy Story rides are great–there’s one in each park and they’re both game rides.

            There’s also a little area if you keep walking past Thunder that has a petting zoo and they put on little performances for kids and they have some of the less popular characters hanging out so you can take pictures. Like the mice or step sisters from Cinderella. The signature characters hang out near the front of Dland, and in Toontown, and in the main square part of CA Adventure (the CA Adventure ones have different outfits because it’s supposed to be old timey California, so Mickey Mouse has this little hat and suspenders on and it’s so effing cute). Right when Dland opens, there’s usually at least one princess and one villain at the front of the park. Tiana hangs out in New Orleans Square. There are Storm Troopers walking around Tomorrowland. There’s a thing in Fantasyland where you go in and meet three princesses, but only do that if the line isn’t a billion hours long. Alice and the Mad Hatter do this little dance thing near the Peter Pan ride at some point in the afternoon.

            If you have any other questions, feel free to email me! [email protected]. HAVE FUN.

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    • Oh man HELLO.

      This is hard. I say that as a human who presents as “femme” and who has found herself attracted to mostly “femme” humans. Sorry I am putting that in quotes, I don’t know how to talk properly these days, but you get what I mean. And, I have found it super difficult to both be visible to other people (femmes and non femmes alike), and then to also figure out how to navigate those seas for myself.

      I rely (relied, technically, hi Jenny) on eye contact A LOT, and I also never counted someone out if they identified as straight but were giving me eyeballs. If I were in the dating scene NOW, I would also rely on Tinder (that is different than OKCupid, right? Because… I like it so much more). I say THAT because I am running a Tinder account for my best friend (shhhh) and I have found so many very femme humans in my search for her next girlfriend.

      Also, hi, you say you are kind of bitchy. I am not sure what that means to YOU, but what that means to ME is that you speak your mind and are particular about shit. Good for f*cking you, first of all, and second of all, THIS WILL HELP YOU OUT. Be point blank with people. Who has time to play games, honestly? You see a girl you think is pretty? Tell her. She says she dates boys? Tell her cool, and if she ever wants to date a girl, here’s your number.

      I think the bolder you can be as a femme, the more other femmes are like OH HEYYYYY. If Tinder doesn’t work, try rock climbing or a running group or a book club or volunteering at a local LGBTQ organization — those are places I have met many a femme human interested in dating me. Also once at the food co-op.

      I don’t know if this was helpful.
      The way I feel is that: it’s tricky, but if you are outspoken, you are a leg up.
      …I tried to make a femme leg pun there, but I didn’t have the time I needed to really WORK IT OUT.

      <3

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      • THANK YOU. That is helpful. I am picky and I do speak my mind but I’m also kind of judgmental, so online dating isn’t the best idea for me (what do you mean “your pretty”? My pretty what? GET IT TOGETHER) (AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T READ?) (And why did you dye your hair that color? Dye it back).

        I will try to be bolder! Thank you!

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49. Does anyone have ideas on how to be openly lesbian/queer while interacting (professionally) with children, WHILE SINGLE? I’m specifically thinking about teaching, where you meet the same children every day, and where (in my opinion) it is a rather good thing if children (of all ages) just happen to know adults who are unashamed of being lesbian/bi/queer. In a relationship with a same-sex partner, it would be really easy to occasionally casually mention the partner and let the kids ask questions if they happen to have any, but I can’t think of any other obvious routes in. Help!

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    • hello northern_rose! i have experience interacting casually (as a classroom volunteer and as a mom in the house) with children, and i think one way to crack open that door of just-happening-to-know-adult-queers is in the everyday language you probably already use, like referring to partners as partners, saying “boyfriend or girlfriend” or “husband or wife” when you’re talking about the idea of future romantic partnerships for them (idk why/how this comes up so much with little kids, but a lot of them are obsessed with the idea of coupling and one day marrying. it’s SO WIERD like where to they get this at such a young age?) instead of defaulting to the opposite gender each time.

      then focusing a lot on the basic ideas of respect and happiness — respecting people’s personal choices (simple things like not making fun of haircuts or clothing options), celebrating and supporting differences (i never understood why being tall was celebrated but being short was made fun on, and my 3rd grade teacher made it very clear that being anything was great, because being alive and in the sunshine today was great, so who cares if you can’t reach the top shelf, you’re closer to the ladybugs, etc, and that flipped my entire world over), standing up for others, rejecting negativity and seeking positivity. i know all of these things are SUPER BROAD and have nothing to do with being queer, but they have a lot to do with what it’s like to live as a queer person, and how we’d like other’s to treat us as queer people, so i think laying that kind of foundation is what has the most impact.

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50. Hbd what kind of cake should we eat to celebrate?

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    • i like carrot cake with cream cheese frosting

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    • lemon!

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    • Chocolate with whipped cream frosting, is generally my favorite.

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    • lemon wins

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    • mini vegan carrot cakess that are bigger than cupcakes but not as big as whole cakes so you look at your gf and you’re like ‘i guess we just split one whole cake?’

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    • UPDATE: BREN’S WIFE CARRIE HAS MADE ME A DARK CHOCOLATE CARROT CAKE AND BROUGHT IT RIGHT TO MY DOORSTEP WITH A CANDLE

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51. I recently met someone and we started getting close in a sort of will-we-won’t-we kind of way. She’s made a few comments about getting some personal things sorted out first, but the mutual attraction – both mental and physical – is real and intense. But……she also recently told me that she had used a lot of drugs when she was younger, including having a very serious opiate addiction for years. She’s been clean for seven years now, but I don’t really know what to do with this information. I smoked pot a couple times in uni and that was it. How much of her past is my business and how much should it affect my view of the person she is today? Where can I go for accurate information on this? All my school health classes were a bit vague on anything more serious than binge drinking.

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    • It sounds to me like the person your lady is today — a person who kicked a serious opiate addiction and has been sober for seven years — is pretty cool! I wouldn’t mind that view one bit. Also, it sounds like you’re not big into drugs or drinking yourself and finding someone else in the queer lady dating community who is equally disinterested in those things is pretty hard, so if a commitment to clean sober living is something you’re looking for in a lady, than somebody in recovery might be your best bet regardless!

      We all have pasts and baggage, and once you reach a certain age you’re gonna have a tough time finding anybody who’s never done anything you feel uncomfortable about or uneasy with, you know? Personally, nothing makes me feel shittier than being punished by a present partner for something that happened before I even knew them. We grow and change and evolve.

      i also will see if ginger hale can answer this question and hook you up with some resources when she arrives!

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    • @aplus-anon

      Thank you for your submission. It’s great that you’re reaching out on this forum for help.

      Addiction is a disease, not simply a moral or spiritual failing. When we look at addiction from a disease perspective, we can start to dispel myths, eliminate stigma, and treat addicts with the respect and dignity they deserve. All diseases manifest themselves in a variety of different ways; the important thing is that she is taking steps to recover and has some solid time under her belt.

      Reise is spot on: Her past is her past. We all come to relationships with history, with baggage, with pros, and with cons. All relationships require work and need to be nurtured. Leverage your “pros” to make your relationship stronger. Like Riese mentioned, it sounds like you both are disinterested in hard partying. Plus, another potential pro is that many (not all) people in recovery are consistently engaged in improving themselves and the ways in which they interact with the world.

      Seven years of sobriety demonstrates that she is addressing her addiction issues. But, that doesn’t mean that you won’t have to deal with your own issues surrounding addiction. For example, you asked if her past should affect your view of who she is today. Now, shift the focus away from her for a second. What are your preconceived notions and biases about addiction that would change your view of her? I would first start by addressing any biases you may have, which you have started to do by asking Autostraddle.
      If you are open to a 12-step, spiritual based program, I would attend some Al-Anon meetings to get support and information. (Al-Anon is a “worldwide fellowship that offers a program of recovery for the families and friends of alcoholics, whether or not the alcoholic recognizes the existence of a drinking problem or seeks help.”) Alternatively, SMART Recovery, a non-12 step recovery program, offers resources to families and friends of addicts. Finally, reach out to any LGBTQ organizations near you. Many offer LGBTQ friendly addiction information and recovery groups, including support for families and friends.

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52. Is taking a break ever a good idea? Or is it just a very slow and drawn-out way to break up with someone? I’m not sure I’m into the idea, but my girlfriend seems to think it’s worth a try so we have some space to figure things out. I don’t know anyone who has ever done it before to ask for advice, so…advice please?

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    • Eesh. I’ve only done this once (for a whole damn year). It just seems to prolong the torture and you still end up being in contact/having sex and the push-pull ‘I-need-you’ ‘oh-but-we’re-not-good-for-each-other’ gets worse – it took me a lot longer to get over all the confusion of that period than it did the break up itself.

      I am SURE it can be a good idea for others though?

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    • I think it can be good if it’s really a break. If it’s just an excuse to sleep with other people, not so much. If it’s just an excuse to not actually give up control over each other, definitely not. If you take a break break, like, you separate your lives from each other and spend time as individuals really working on yourselves so you can come back to the relationship healthier, that could be great! Or you could both grow personally and then find you are completely different, not romantically compatible partners, when you come back together. That is the risk you take with a real break and it’s a commitment to the relationship and to yourselves to be better individuals. If you are going to continue to be “best friends” and talk every day and be super entangled in each other’s lives, it isn’t really a very good break. It’s going to be hard to find that space to work on yourself if you still feel committed and responsible to each other.

      It also sounds like maybe your GF wants this more than you. If this is not something you want, but you agree anyway, I can almost guarantee you will be miserable and you might do better to break up and give your heart time to heal. If this is about an issue in the relationship, have you considered going to counseling, either together or individually or both?

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53. Could if ever work if you have a massive fight, break up, one of you moves out (after living together for almost a year) and then you try and get back together? But live apart? This is hard.

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    • I am a big advocate of living apart as the perfect situation for many people. Jeanette Winterson also advocates this approach to happy healthy relationships! It’s tricky when one or both of you is needy/clingy, but in that case I think it could be even more important to have your own separate spaces. I think it’s a really healthy thing to do, especially if the massive fight you referred to came out of the ‘little stuff’ that comes from living together. Some relationships thrive on that little stuff, others find it damaging.

      If you don’t think it would literally be the death toll for your relationship, and if you’re both up for trying this approach, I think go for it. You can rediscover yourselves and each other :)

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54. Hey Team, I suppose anyone could answer these.
    There is a cute girl in my painting class and this week is the last week of class, I’ll see her two more times, the way the class is structured I’ve had no chances to talk to her to try to get to know her. I think she is very attractive and would love to talk to her but I am super shy and she usually has friends near her. Should I attempt to talk to her during these last two classes or should I let it go? If I should talk to her how should I do that?

    Also another question, sorry, so sometimes I feel like I put a lot of effort into my friendships but dont feel the same coming from them. I don’t have many friends at all that I feel I have a deep lasting connection with. How do I feel like I am more than just a placeholder in my friendships?

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    • WHOA WHOA WHOA. You’re seeing the friends around thing as a NEGATIVE, but I think it’s a POSITIVE. Now, you have the ability to eaves drop and say “wait are you guys talking about [INSERT SHOW OR EVENT HERE] i also love [SHOW, EVENT, CLASS, ETC]” and then you offer your opinion and it begins a conversation.

      OR you can just say ‘hi, i’m looking for interesting people to talk to, do you know any?”

      OR – legit – sometimes at parties I walk up to people and say “i’m bored, what are you guys talking about” and every single time the people are like “we have a friend who’s boyfriend is a dick and he like doesn’t support her dreams blah blah blah” and it’s the best. People don’t want to NOT be friends with you, they just don’t know you yet!

      And once you’ve established that you’re chill, the two of you can exchange numbers or you can friend her on facebook or you can follow her on twitter and DM her, whatever you media platform – you have the opportunity to be like “hiii i thought you were super cute and I would love to go to coffee/soda/alcohol/weed with you sometime.” BOOM DONE EASY. Either she (a) says yes, you guys go out, yay OR (b) says no, and you only have one class left before you never have to see her again…

      it’s win-win

      friendships — I think this takes a lot of time and patience. I didn’t realize that I wasn’t after the right type of friends until I had some practice. We all think people are great friends and later find out they were not, either because they weren’t cool people, or because we just realize we’re not compatible enough for some reason. That’s all totally okay. I realized late in the game I wanted to be laughing WAY MORE, laughing was my fucking favorite part of friendships! bUT I had some friends who were cool, just wanted to talk about sad things in the world SOOO OFTEN. They’re not bad people, they’re not shitty friends, but there’s just a THING that’s missing, you know?

      IDK maybe you’re not in the same situation, but I think time and patience, both with current friendships AND with figuring out what you want out of your friendships, is going to be key. Put yourself out there a little more and see what happens

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55. @littleredtarot: Since you mentioned one-card readings on twitter–can I get some advice for having way too much to do?? Besides work (which is decent, actually), it’s all stuff I’m excited about, but it’s so much! Four or five video games, learning tarot, an art project, a novella I want to self-publish and the creation of a social media presence that will need to accompany that, and now a new fanfiction project…

    And if you could talk a little about how social media plays into your just-you business, that would probably be very helpful for me too.

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    • @wallofillusion You absolutely can do that! I drew the Nine of Wands, so what’s important here is that you focus on the thing that is spiritually most important to you. You have loads on your plate and it’s exhausting. Focus for a moment on the one thing that really means the most to you, recognise this as soul work, and take single steps, one at a time, towards that. If you want to work on all of those different things, work on one project per day, and do it with soul. The moon at the top of this card is really significant – it represents the importance of this work for you. Be serious and committed and know that baby steps are 100% okay as long as you are working with soul.
      

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      • Aha! Thank you! This is already something I’ve put into place with the video games, at least–with a schedule of which game I am playing on which day. I shall expand that strategy to the creative endeavors as well!

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    • Also @wallofillusion you asked about social media and my just-me business. There’s a temptation to get a profile on *everythign* and do all the things all the time but unless you’re a super social love being online all the time person AND mega interaction is a very important part of your business, you don’t need to succumb to this. I only use Twitter and a blog (plus a mailing list) to interact with my community and that works really well for me – any more and I couldn’t cope/switch off I think.

      So thinking about Twitter in particular, I do definitely find that it brings me clients/customers/new people who sign up to my list. It’s an informal way to chat to people, show myself as a rounded person (i.e. I’m not *just* a tarot reader/writer, I have other interests and joke around like anyone else!) and that really works for me, people feel that they know me and I believe that helps me to earn trust, which means people are more likely to consider me if/when they want a tarot reading.

      Lastly being openly queer on social media helps to weed out clients/customers I *don’t* want. It’s like ‘this is me, take it or leave it and if you don’t like it, I don’t want to sell you my things.’

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56. This is not a question, but I just wanted to add a dash of misandry to celebrate AS’s birthday: the homepage ad right now, just below the glorious AS logo, says in angry big letters ‘WHY MEN PULL AWAY’. Damn right Autostraddle makes them run for the hills!

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    • LOVE IT

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57. Firstly, happy birthday! You guys rock <3
    Secondly, any advice for ways to deal with the low-simmering heartbreak of long-term estrangement from parents/family because of homogayness? I tend to never bring it up to anyone, even close friends, because I'm embarassed about it (maybe because I live in a v liberal country/community) and any mention has only ever been met with the well-meaning, but somehow negating, response of 'I'm sure they'll come around soon".

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    • Jules, thank you so much for sharing this with us! I agree with you about that response… it completely negates your feelings and it kind of brushes them off. We as a society have completely forgotten how to support folx, so we end up saying well-meaning thoughtless things. I am currently having a hard time staying with my family because I know that if I bring up the whole ‘I am gay thing’ they will freak out. I am scare too of a possible heartbreak and sometimes the feelings are overwhelming and horrible, I used to try to brush them off but now I am all about feeling them and crying if it is necessary and doing whatever it is I need to do to make myself feel better. I know you are going to figure this out and also find folx that are there to support you in everyway you need to be. Maybe starting a conversation with them and asking them to please not say ‘I’m sure they’ll come around soon” would be a good idea? Magical and positive thoughts your way!

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      • thanks for your lovely reply! I agree that it might be useful to tell them what I need rather than just hoping for the right response. Sending lots of magical thoughts your way too!

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58. So, I’m looking for a job and going on interviews and stuff, and I have a couple of questions.

    1) I’m struggling with finding interview clothes because I like to dress in a way that I feel is more gender neutral/androgynous, and feel like that’s harder to do in “business attire” because women’s clothes feel too feminine and men’s clothes don’t fit me right because I’m pretty curvy. Any advice on finding clothes that feel good but also are “professional”?

    2) When applying for jobs during college, I would usually listed work I did with the queer alliance at my school and the LGBT Leadership scholarship I received on my resume. But now, I’m applying for different jobs and the stakes are higher because I need to pay rent, so I haven’t been listing those things, which I feel really weird and conflicted about. So, I’m wondering if/how you come out in job applications or in the workplace, and how you feel about your decision to come out or not?

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    • Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Y’all are the best :)

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    • Hi Clara! Thank you for the birthday wishes!

      1. Suits. Go to a place where they sell clothes marketed toward both women and men. Then get something that fits “the best”—try from both suiting sections of the store, f*ck gender. Now I put “the best” in quotes because it’s okay if it’s a little off in places, because the second ingredient to suits is tailoring. The people selling the suits are going to know things like how much extra allowance is in the waist (I had to get my suit pants let out, because hips: I has them). Some stores even have on-site tailoring services, depending on how much you’re willing to spend. For tips on suits, Gabby wrote an excellent piece that everyone should check out.

      

      2. It has always been important to me to be out at work—I have been out at work in every job I’ve had in my adult life. That said, I’ve also always had a safety net and I’ve also always lived in very tolerant places. I think some questions to consider are the following:

      + what does it look like when you leave those things off the resume—is there a giant temporal hole? If so, leaving them off might be hurting you more because employers are asking the question of what you did during that time.

      + if you come out in the application and it costs you a job, how much of that is a negative for you and how much of that is a positive? Negative as in, now that job is no. But positive as in, now you won’t have to tip-toe around your workplace, wondering if you could be fired at any moment—which leaves you open to finding a work environment that accepts all of you and where that’s not a concern. So what’s the balance for you there? If you need this job right now right now, then maybe you leave those things off and deal with things as they come. If you have the resources to be a little more selective, then keep them on and find a job that’s a perfect fit for you.

      + if you live in an area where coming out at any point could be hazardous to your safety, always go with safety first. I am a cautious person.

      All that said, I’ve never regretted a decision to come out at work, but also a more recent thing for me—my entire resume is gay. I literally couldn’t stay in the closet if I tried.

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      • Thanks so much! This is super helpful :)

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    • HI HI. This is such a great question. So many mens options are just shaped COMPLETELY wrong and so many womens options are unbelievably uncomfortable.

      I find you can do a lot of dressing up by using minimal patters and accessorizing.

      Shoes. Are. Key. Find shoes that will dress up an outfit bc honestly. Jeans that fit well, a white tshirt and flip flops is a totally diff outfit from jeans that fit well, a white tshirt, and boots, is totally diff from Jeans that fit well, a white tshirt and chukkas. Find some dope brown or black nice shoes.
      A few items to accessorize: maybe you’re a hat person, maybe you like a dainty gold chain, maybe you’re into scarves, maybe you like watches and rings, IDK. But chose a couple of accessories that can dress you up a bit. (you can get jewelry for like 2$ all over the place, paint the inside of it with clear nail polish and it won’t get green on your body skin).

      Once you have that in place, there’s a ton more leeway when it comes to the actual outfit. A jacket is another nice touch. I’m not super into blazers, but I have a nice black jacket that fits me well, and depending on my shoes, i can look professional as fuck.

      As far as the pant / shirt combo – REMEMBER YOU CAN RETURN THINGS — There is like one fabric in one cut of pant on asos.com that fits me the way I like, so when they have a new color or whatever, i dream about buying it. FIND YOUR ONE, order 5 different brands or types or cuts, try them all on once they arrive on your doorstep and send back the ones that don’t fit. It takes a little time and it’s a tiny bit annoying, but once you figure out what pant fits you, you’ll be set.

      Do the same for shirts – F21 buttonups fit me, Asos buttonups dont, they crowd around my hips and the buttons pull and i look RIDICULOUS and i feel SILLY. Again, trial and error helped me figure my shit out. You can totally do the same.

      AND a plain white / blue / navy / etc T shirt can look just as nice as a fancy blouse if you take into account everything else I said.

      I HOPE THIS HELPS. I wish the fashion industry would get their shit together.

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      • OOPS ALSO ABOUT THE RESUME

        You were good enough at something that you got a SCHOLARSHIP. You did something soooo well that people were like ‘LET’S GIVE HER A LUMP SUM OF MONEY TO CONTINUE DOING THIS THING” that is impressive as fuck and you should absolutely work somewhere that celebrates that kind of work ethic.

        Ali covered the LGBTQ+ part of it pretty well, you want to feel good and comfortable where you’re working.

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        • Thanks so much! This is so helpful.

          Also, can I just say that I’ve been reading Everyone is Gay for almost four years, and yours and @kristinnoeline ‘s webcasts where what got me through the first lonely summer home from college right after coming out, and that you both were the first people to show me that being a queer woman could be super awesome. So, having you answer this question right now just about made my big queer heart burst, so thanks.

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59. Happy Birthday Autostraddle!

    What is the best way to get alone time/space in a relationship? I am a currently single, hardcore introvert, and I imagine needing a lot of space and alone time could potentially become an issue in a future relationship.

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    • this is a great question! also i have great news for you: it likely won’t be an issue (at least not the bad kind of issue that means “problem”) in a future relationship, if the future relationship is working okay. part of any relationship is learning about and rolling with your partner’s idiosyncrasies, like how my partner had to learn that i have an irrational hatred of more than one person in a party ordering the same food at a restaurant, and tries to accommodate that as much as possible even though it’s totally bizarre. see, needing some time alone doesn’t seem like as big a deal anymore, does it?

      anyhow, i am ALSO a person who needs time and space alone frequently, and so is my partner. we’ve both found that just communicating about it is really pretty simple once you get used to it — it’s pretty common for one of us to say “hey i’m going to go into the other room and hang out by myself for a while — nothing’s wrong, i just want some time for myself,” or even “i think i’m going to take myself out to lunch/go hang out at this coffee shop/go to the library by myself, just to get some alone time.” a dating partner who trusts you and respects your needs will be totally cool with this, especially when they see how much more relaxed and centered you are afterwards. i get that it can feel intimidating to bring it up or negotiate it the first few times, but i bet you dollars to donuts that it won’t be as weird or off-putting to a potential partner as you think it will!

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    • this might sound overly simplistic and optimistic, but i think if you have that be an upfront thing when you start seeing someone, you’ll eventually weed out all of the people who wouldn’t respect your need for space and alone time. like people who don’t like cats/dogs usually get that out in the open fairly quickly because they know it can be a deal breaker for some people. this is your deal breaker and you’ll just have to OWN IT.

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    • Hey @aliciacon! Being someone who needs lots of time alone absolutely does not have to be damaging to a relationship – I think it can be really empowering for both people, and generally a very healthy energy to have in the mix.

      I think if you make sure that any potential partner becomes aware of this really early on in your shenanigans that would help to set the tone. When you first start dating someone it’s tempting to spend every single moment with them (even if once all the *feelings* calm down you go back to wanting plenty of time alone) so maybe be sure to practice time alone right from the outset?

      And if the other person is clingy and offended by your needing time alone, recognise that that is work they need to do on themselves – I don’t mean inform them of this in some kind of aloof way, but more be aware of this so you don’t automatically jump to ‘resolve’ any issues by giving up your time alone in order to be with them and comfort them, cos that will just perpetuate the problem and you’ll never feel free.

      Be yourself and centre your needs from the outset – there is totally 100% nothing wrong with being this way and as a fellow need-lots-of-time-alone-r I really salute you and hope you can find partner/s who get and support this!

      xxxx

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60. hi @riese, if this is an invasive question just delete it im sorry! its just cause you often allude to your time as a sex worker but have not (to my knowledge) spoke about this openly on the interwebs. is this a thing you will write about one day?

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    • hi! no it’s okay, it’s not invasive! i said you could ask me questions on that topic, so. <3 and no i haven’t spoken about it openly on the interwebs, which is often hard ’cause it was a big part of my life. i am going to write about it one day for sure, but it might be in a book rather than online. mostly i just have weird feelings about it getting back to my extended family. so like, i feel safe referencing it within certain contexts (like buried in the comments on this post!), but not necessarily in like A HEADLINE! or whatever. i did read a thing about it at a-camp 2.0 and it went over really well which made me feel a lot safer about someday saying something. so i guess right now the answer is: i’m not sure. if i did it would be on A+.

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      • thank you for replying riese you are the best <3

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61. happy birthday omg is it time it’s time isnt it yesssssss!!!! so exciting!

    so my question has a lot of layers and i actually wrote a metric fuckton of words and then i read it over in my drafts folder and thought “jesus lomy take a breath” so i think i am just going to leave it more open-ended and see what comes back? my question: vegan people of the world, how do you navigate this life? what do you do when it feels hard?

    i want to say two things:
    1. i had to explain to a 62-year-old woman in my partner’s family over the holidays that dairy cows have to be impregnated over and over again to keep producing milk. she thought there were magical cows in the world that just magically produced magical milk forever and ever. she actually fought me on this!! she has been living on this planet for 62 years, her father was a farmer, and she has had children of her own (as a mammal!) and she still doesnt understand how mammals work…what i am saying is some people are in desperate need of an education sometimes but i feel like vegans giving information about why veganism is their ethical choice leads to insta-eyeroll from most people and that is hard for me to take because i have a pathological need for acceptance and approval.i am finding this trait + being vegan is a challenge because a lot people dont respect veganism. that just seems to be a fact i am finding.

    2. i have no vegan friends and everyone i love in the whole world is an omnivore so no hate but i cant stand it when i hear people say things like “oh i cant watch (insert here: cowspiracy, food inc, earthlings, etc) it makes me cry i think it is just terrible” and then proceed to eat meat, dairy, and eggs with wild abandon. i just dont know what to do with that! what do you guys do with that??

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    • HI HI! I always find that taking things from a personal POV is better. Instead of saying “this is a fact” I’ll always be like, “I’ve read a bunch of stuff about hormone injections, and the food that animals are fed, and etc etc and it all makes me feel super uncomfortable. I care so much about what goes into my body and what goes into what goes into my body that it ends up effecting me a lot more” aaaannnd I’m not at all afraid to admit that I super wish I didnt’ know anything about the meat / food industry.

      If we’re being totally honest, the way that we are treating animals, plants, soil, etc, it’s all super fucked up and people just don’t know anything. It isn’t our duty to explain it to everyone, but I’ve changed quite a number of minds by talking about my years of learning. It all has to do with the way you approach people AND being aware that a lot of people will learn things and still not care.

      AAANND you aren’t in charge of changing people’s minds / educating them. A lot of times you’ll say something that is educational AND interesting and that will lead to a person doing their own research and making their own decisions — which… is the whole point i guess? People want to learn their own shit and make their own decisions, so it’s more about guiding their brains than it is about changing their mind with your facts right then at there

      (2) – People say that bc they care about the IDEA of it. It’s like, they like animals, but animals and meat are just not the same thing to most of the world. We’re raised in a society that doesn’t put cow + beef together until you’re in, like, high school or some shit. We’re trained to see them as two different things from birth, so it makes perfect sense that your friends feel this way

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    • OK, so I’m a vegan backslider, so let’s just get that out of the way. I was vegan for 11 years and now I’m ovo-lacto again and that’s a choice I made. That’s the thing. Being vegan is a lifestyle choice and a lot of people just don’t understand that. They think it’s some kind of weirdo diet fad. And I don’t know that any of us can change that. What we can do is inspire people to make more ethical and healthy choices.

      I personally don’t think the scare tactics around factory farming work, because as Danielle says, there is this huge disconnect between animal cruelty and the very processed food we buy and put in our mouths. I find what really moves people is to talk about why it is important to you, personally. It’s harder to make fun of someone for something that is personally important to them than it is to make fun of the idea of veganism. Like, you can think whatever you want about the dairy industry, but I’m telling you that this is a very important decision I made with a lot of thought and that it’s personally important to me. So now you’ll kind of look like an ass if you keep making jokes at my expense or trying to argue with me.

      People that are unwilling to look at factory farming and the food industrial complex for what it is aren’t going to change because you told them to. In most cases, it’s not worth your time to convince people to care about something they just don’t care about. However, your friends should care about you and not being dicks to you, so if there is something they are doing that bothers you, it’s OK to bring it up in the context of your friendship.

      If you have the chance, maybe the next time you’re in a bigger city, see if you can find a vegan restaurant and hang out in a vegan-normative space for a bit. It’ll be a nice change of pace. My omni partner will accompany me to new vegan places because it’s important to me and they get that.

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      • thank you both so so much for these responses gosh y’all are smart and assuring <3

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62. Happy birthday to you, Autostraddle! Thanks for being awesome and also, thanks for the advice. I’m on my way out of the closet and on days when it is a bit overwhelming I read your stuff. It makes me feel like I am not so alone down here in the south!

    What are some ways that you became truly comfortable with your sexuality when you were first coming out? I have people in my life that are supportive, but I think they are skeptical of my feelings (thinking they are only temporary and not wanting me to close my mind to the right guy) which makes me skeptical.

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    • Hang out on Autostraddle a lot. There is no warmer, more validating, more inclusive community <3

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      • I have one more question @LITTLEREDTAROT possibly for you/anyone. I have a friend. We are super close (sometimes close enough that I have to take a step back and ask myself… hmm? What is happening here). I guess she would be the first woman who I have admitted to myself that I have more than just friendly feelings for. A few months ago I told her how I felt and the feelings were not reciprocated. Although we got physical at times she said it wasn’t attraction. It was just because the two of us were extremely close and trusted each other so much. This hurt a lot to hear because I didn’t really understand how you could do those things but not be attracted. We decided that we would try to remain friends. We still talk every day. However, this makes it hard for me to move on and start the search for another lady that could be better for me and be open to a relationship. How can I move forward without losing a really dear friend?

        I feel silly for even writing this… like the ultimate lesbian cliche… but it is just one of those things that I haven’t been able to talk about or get advice on because I don’t want people to make assumptions.

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    • I think the only way to be completely comfortable is to accept the fact that, even if you swore to all that is holy you would nEVER look at a man again (!!!!!), you could absolutely be blind sided by deep feelings of love for a guy. AND if that happens 10 years from now, that has LITERALLY NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW YOU IDENTIFY RIGHT NOW. How you identify RIGHT NOW should be everyone’s concern. What you’re saying right now is “Hey I have these very strong feelings about my identity and who I am attracted to, and the way in which I feel most comfortable as a human being, I’m talking about being able to be who I am and feel good about it.” Then you explain the way in which you will feel best about your identity, will be having your friends and family support you and celebrate you as you are right now.

      It 100000% sucks that you have to explain that to anyone, but hopefully over time it will feel a lot better and you won’t feel the need to explain yourself every time your identity comes up <3

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63. hey @meyrude:

    I’m trying to expand my witchy ways into spellwork, and could use some simple but effective spells I can practice with that don’t require too many unique/strange/expensive items/ingredients (I’m mostly limited to common household stuff that can be found at a corner grocery store). Do you know of any, or could you direct me to somewhere I can find some?

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    • Hi! Most of the herb/spellwork stuff that I’m currently doing and getting into comes from Mexican tradition, so if you’re Latin@, we can talk more about that. Otherwise, one thing I’d suggest is trying some candle magic. A lot of versions of that just require candles and natural oil, or sometimes a few herbs that you can buy at a lot of stores. and there are tons of online resources to help make sure you’re doing everything in the safest and most effective ways. Also, I can link you to a couple tumblrs that I’ve seen other people who I know do witchcraft and use simple herbs a lot recommend. This is a pretty good beginning spell supply list and here’s a list of herbs for magical teas. I really hope these help!

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      • Thanks! And some good witch tumblrs would be great!!

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      • @meyrude and one more question! Do you think you might write (or have you already written) some things about how your heritage has played into your practices? I know it can be a personal topic, but I am super interested in how people’s roots result in highly individualized witchcraft and would love to hear any of your story that you’d be willing to share!

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        • Oh, that would be a cool thing to write about. I can definitely start working on something like that and see where I end up!

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          • *insert heart-eyes emoji here* I’m so excited!

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64. Dear Riese (and anyone else who feels they have good insight into this matter)

    How do I become EMOTIONALLY MATURE so that I can be a better friend/girlfriend/person in the world.

    Thanks <3

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    • @hellyeswinnie Hey Kesiena!!! I’m gonna draw you a card to answer this, I hope you don’t mind a little tarot with your AS advice!

      You got The Star, which is all about identifying that little tiny perfect kernel of YOU-ness – that essence of you. So if everything else in your whole life wasn’t there, it’s that part of yourself you can hold onto.

      

      Once you know what this is, you know how strong you are. You have guidance, you have a ‘north star’ you can follow. Then you know what gifts you have to offer, as a girlfriend, as a person in the world, all of that. Whenever you feel confused, emotional, emotionally immature or whatever, come back to this essence of yourself (look at the card, it’s like an unbreakable, glittering diamond of you-bling!) and ground yourself there. Then you can come at life from that point, from that strength.

      LOVE to you!! xx

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      • <3 Thank you Beth! (I hope America is looking after you).

        No one has ever tarot-ed me up before. I am going to choose to focus on my ability to nurture and be compassionate and hope that from this want to look after and protect people I can be someone mature and relied upon! xxx

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    • hmm… why do you think of yourself as not being emotionally mature? is there a specific attitude/behavior or something somebody has said to you that i could address?

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      • It’s kind of the opposite? In that people generally think I’m quite mature, and I generally am. But then, like, I’m twenty and I still do stupid shit occasionally and I feel really guilty about it, cos people expect more from me.

        For instance I find it hard to accept that I have any power over anyone else’s emotions which makes me act kind of selfishly and thoughtlessly sometimes.

        I think I’m emotionally immature because I’m obsessed with being mature? Like, I fantasise about being settled down and married and pregnant and solid and steady etc even though I’m still in the middle of my ‘sleep with everyone, do ridiculous things’ phase of life and am quite happy with it when I’m not pining over a life of stability and cats and early nights and sex with the same person every night.

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        • i actually don’t think that everything you describe is a situation of maturity vs. immaturity — for example, you can be in a “sleep with everyone, do ridiculous things” phase that is also emotionally mature. as in; you’re honest with your partners and yourself about what you are and aren’t capable of right now, with respect to commitment. you can be a person who maturely chooses to do ridiculous things, you know? and you can fantasize about wanting to be settled down while knowing that you’re not ready to do so right now. i had a 2-3 year phase of pursuing adventures and hooking up while knowing that at the end of the day, i like to stay home on a friday night with my girlfriend and talk about what we might name our babies while watching tv shows on netflix.

          ” I find it hard to accept that I have any power over anyone else’s emotions which makes me act kind of selfishly and thoughtlessly sometimes.”

          Eventually, this will catch up to you! You’ll lose friends, you know? I lost everything one fall for doing the same. Try putting yourself in their shoes (have you ever been hurt by someone who didn’t feel like it was possible for them to hurt you? i sure had! summon those memories and do what you wish somebody had done for you.) Sometimes this can be hard if you have self-esteem issues (for me it was like,w hy would anybody care about what i say or do? i’m the worst! they’d be happier without me in their lives anyway!), but i think part of growing up is sucking that up and being realistic about the kind of energy you want to put into the world.

          <3 <3

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          • Thanks Riese. Wise as ever tbh.

            I’m going to maybe relax a bit?

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65. Happy Birthday!! I think, but I can’t be sure because I don’t know how to look this stuff up, that I’ve been with you for 5 out of the 6 years, and even though I don’t comment often, you all have been super present in my life, and I’ve really enjoyed watching Autostraddle grow and change! <3 all the feels!!

    My question is more a call out for a hug. I just moved to the US from Mexico, where I'm from, though I grew up in central NY. I'm feeling incredibly lonely, which is an entirely new feeling for me. I moved here to marry my wife (woo-hoo!) and while we wait for green card and work permit to come through, I've just been sitting at home, reading all the Autostraddle posts and what feels like the entirety of the internet. I can't get a driver's license (and it's illegal to drive with a foreign one in North Carolina) so I can't even get a hobby outside of the house! Also we are living with my in laws until we can afford to get our own space / move into my wife's father's office. And that is super awkward too. I love them and feel incredibly lucky to have a loving family and roof over our heads and food…. But I'm also homesick, and lonely, and a little bit sad…. I know this all will change once the work permit comes through, but I've been stuck at home for six months now and it's starting to really break me down. Eeeeeek sorry to vent like that! Such a deb! Maybe some advice on things to do from home that feel somewhat social…that are not facebook?

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    • your vent is more than welcome

      this is a tough spot to be and I think it’s dope you’re looking for ways to reframe your circumstance.

      my gut says to try and learn something. Something that could help you do more of what you love. Maybe you feel like you’d have a better chance at DREAMJOB if you had a cool website. Go to, like, squarespace, and start building a website. Mess with diff templates and designs, watch youtube videos on how to create a page a certain way, send them 1,000 emails every time youer’ confused so they teach you how to do something. Just like learn how to do it.

      There is always shit we can be learning be it, editing software, another language, how to build some shit, there is ALWAYS a thing we don’t know how to do that the internet can teach us.

      So, that is my vote

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      • Thank you! This is actually something I’m always “meaning to do” so it’s nice to get yet another push forward in that direction :)

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    • oh god, visas suck. I’m so sorry. here’s a hug <3

      I volunteer a great deal! You don't really need a work permit for that. Or – as I mentioned in an earlier comment – I check out what's in town and explore things at random. You never know!

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      • Thanks Creatrix! Volunteering is what I initially thought I’d be doing this whole time, back when I thought I could drive with my mexican drivers license (cause in NY you can!) I thought I’d volunteer at all the animal shelters and then spend the rest of my day at the gym getting ruff and tuff and buff,but my in laws live out far far away from town, in the mountains, with no good sidewalks to even walk the 3 miles to the nearest “corner store”. Until recently I was living in a city, and in a part of the city where I could just walk anywhere or take public transit easily. So this feels extra isolating, and I should just get over myself and ask for rides, lol… It’s just hard because it makes me feel dependent and I hate that feeling.

        But the hug is appreciated <3!!! I'm gonna try to be more active on AS too. I've always loved reading the comments, which is not true of almost any website ever.

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66. It’s 6.30am in Australia, so that’s fun…. It’s also Tuesday, so I’m basically writing to you from the future.

    Happy birthday Autostraddle!! Thanks for everything, especially A-Plus.

    No questions for now, just love for all, especially @dannielleor and @kristinnoeline Thanks for being super-fly, badass women who make the world better one lip-sync at a time.

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67. Like as a general q, have any of you been watching the unbreakable kimmy Schmidt and have you any feels about mole women the theme tune or otherwise?

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    • we marathoned kimmy schmidt this weekend! i thought it was really funny and we enjoyed it, but i’m super-weird about that particular genre of show; the arrested development, 30 rock, etc. style. everybody i love, loves these shows. and i like them too! but i don’t like them nearly as much as all my friends do. they are very funny and they are full of hilarious jokes, flashbacks, asides, cultural references, etc. but i tend to like a little more realism in my tv? like i like plots that make sense, at least a little bit. so even though i enjoyed it, i wouldn’t necessarily put it on my top ten or say i can’t wait for what happens next season. it’s more like watching sketch comedy or stand-up to me than it is like watching a sitcom, if that makes sense?

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      • am in total agreement. like i thoroughly enjoy watching it and i find myself laughing out loud a lot but i don’t feel overly invested in it. do you have similar feelings about broad city or does the fact that you spent your 20s essentially living the lives of ilana and abbi lend the show greater realism?

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68. Hey heather, 5 top tips for bicycle maintenance in winter? My bike is a piece of shit and like, even worse given that it’s winter so any advice you have to make it feel less like I’m riding in a death trap would be fab. Also have you any plans for bicycle themed articles in the future? xoxo

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    • Mary-Mary! How tall are you, if you don’t mind me asking? I may have a solution to your death trap bike problem!

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    • Will you email me? heather at autostraddle!

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69. I ordered a pizza like 45mins ago and it’s not here yet :(

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    • my heart burns for you

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    • last night i ordered food and it took 2 hours to arrive and i still tipped the lady because i am a pushover

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70. @meyrude: Do you have any thoughts on witchy West Wing fan fic?

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    • First of all, I had like, a visceral reaction to that idea.

      I think that Ainsley Hayes would make a perfect Swamp Witch, like Misty Day, but republican. And Donna is definitely in the trope of the nerdy/nervous witch, like Zoe from AHS Coven or early Willow from Buffy. And definitely Zoe Bartlet would be the bold and reckless witch troublemaker of the bunch who does little magics in public, just daring people to see and expose their secret. C.J. Craig is the more experienced witch who has to babysit all the others and clean up after all their messes, especially Zoe’s, but she’s still fun. And of course, Dr. Bartlet is the Supreme.

      Also, even though she showed up in the later seasons, so it only barely counts, Kristin Chenoweth could just take up her role from Wicked.

      But I love this idea so much and want it to be a real show.

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      • I would totally watch that show.

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      • This made my whole day.

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71. @LITTLEREDTAROT – PLEASE DRAW MY TAROT PLEASE.

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    • Hey @dannielleor! Your wish is my command. Also do you know how much I love it when people don’t actually have a specific question? I love it a LOT. So thank you!

      Okay. So I did a little ‘situation/challenge’ spread for you, and drew The Tower, crossed by the Mother/Queen of Cups:

      

      So right now you’re in this moment where there’s a big, life altering change needing to happen, and it’s scary and out of your comfort zone and really pretty big, like some key things in your life won’t be the same once this has taken place. But it’s necessary, and part of your path, and a totally healthy thing in the longer term. You’re resisting this right now, either on purpose, or unconsciously – I would say unconsciously – because you have this idea that you have to maintain a loving, creative, perfect exterior – you need to appear like the one with all their emotions under control and who has all that shit sorted, maybe you need to be steady for other people or perhaps it’s just an image you’ve built up around yourself, and that’s totally cool, but right now, you’re in your own way. In the spirit of the Mother of Cups, you can move forwards here by recognising that it’s a loving act to yourself to let this change happen, to let whatever needs to crumble…crumble. Something needs to fall apart and give you the space and clarity to rebuild, so look for that opportunity, let go of the need to be perfect, and let that happen.

      Love! xxx

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      • i’m dying this is so accurate

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72. Hi, question for anyone who wants to answer! Maybe someone from New England or Western Mass who knows the area…?

    My girlfriend graduates from college in May, and I am super in awe of her dedication and perseverance so far! She will be a real life nurse and can officially save lives after this! She and her mom are taking a trip to the Grand Canyon after graduation, and while she’s really excited, she is also a little bummed that I’m not going with. No hard feelings, though: I’m a year behind her in college, and I think it’s awesome that she will get to spend some extra time with her mom before starting Adult Life and doing Grown Person Things.

    The question I have for you is: What are some fun ideas for a road trip or small adventure we could do together in May or June?

    We live in New England, in Western Mass and New Hampshire, respectively, and she is graduating from college in Maine. We both work minimum wage jobs, so money is an important factor, but she has made it really obvious that she wants to travel somewhere, just the two of us. I’ve been saving up my tips at work for a couple of months now to put towards gas/food/etc, so that should help. She’s the type of person who appreciates experiences more than gifts, and I am really excited to share this experience with her.

    Thank you for your (pending) advice!! Happy birthday AS :)

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    • oh what an exciting time! i am more from eastern mass, but sometimes in the summers my family and i would take a tiny road trip to see some of the great art museums in the area (the Williams college art museum in Williamstown; Mass MOCA in, i think, North Adams; and I wanna say the art museum at Clark?). I think this might have been the b&b we used to stay at? Anyhow the point is if you guys like art museums that’s a cute thing to do.

      also when i’m traveling i LOVE looking for the wackiest/most specific museums i can find in the area and going to those — it might be fun to look to see if surrounding areas have offbeat museums (Amherst has an Emily Dickinson museum and an Eric Carle Museum of Picture Book Art!) and getting a cute hotel room nearby. Also the great thing about being in MA is all the SALEM WITCH TRIALS stuff — if you two think that stuff is interesting, or at least more interesting than scary/depressing, then visiting Salem might be cool!

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      • um also SOUTH HADLEY HAS A DINOSAUR TRACK SITE??? just found this out, deeply thrilled

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        • OMG DINOSAURS… She’s going to love it. These are all such great ideas! I actually live in Sunderland, so the Eric Carle and Emily Dickinson museums are my neighbors :) Thanks Rachel!!

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          • HEY ALSO. Get an Air B&B, sometimes, depending on the town you can get one SUPER CHEAP and like, who gives a shit about the town you’re in, if you’re in your own tiny little house together for a night or two!

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      • Also apparently there’s a ferry that goes between Boston and Salem which might be pretty cool? A coworker of mine lives in Salem and when the waves aren’t too high, she takes the ferry in to Boston and then the T in to work and she says it’s a really lovely little trip across the harbor. Basically ferries are pretty great and Salem is hella nerdy-witchy (and there’s a terrifying/amazing bookstore there that’s basically a hoarder’s paradise – a google image search for “hoarding bookstore salem” brings it right up), if historic nerdy adventures are what you’re seeking.

        Also though I’m a huge fan of renting a VRBO or airbnb up in the mountains or on a lake. There are approximately a million of these places at various price points all over Vermont and New Hampshire and Maine and the Berkshires part of western Mass. You don’t really have to spend a ton of money on any extra experiences — just go hiking or maybe spend a few dollars on a boat rental on some lake somewhere and play board games in your sweet little mountain cabin and toast some marshmallows on the fire and just be adorable and cute and romantic together.

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    • i suggest you go north to canada, land of dreams

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      • I agree with Carmen, and further recommend Montreal, which is student-y enough that it’s possible to visit cheaply but big enough to have airbnb options (not as much a thing in Canada).

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      • I am 20000% a fan of this plan, but we went to Canada for my 19th birthday (19 is 21 in certain provinces, hollaaaa) and it’s her turn to pick!

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    • Not a staffer but a native New Englander!

      I would suggest going to New Haven/Coastal CT for a day/weekend trip. New Haven is a foodie town with lots of great restaurants, a cute old lighthouse with a carousel, and a bunch of free and cheap art museums/spaces. In the summer the green has a lot of music and performance events at night, and June is Arts and Ideas Festival. The whole city essentially turns into one big art event. A lot of it is free, with the random fancy paid events. I’m not sure if Yale’s film festival overlaps with this event or happens at a different time of year. Yale also has a lot of interesting architecture and outdoor art, and a rare books library the public can go into. If you are into music, especially of the indie variety, CT has a pretty active music scene. I would suggest checking out Manic Productions, I believe they still do free shows on Wednesdays at this place called BAR. You can probably find some cute B&B’s in that area, and you can also head in the direction of R.I. to get that extra bit of coastal cute at the Mystic Seaport. CT also has this amazing used book place called the Book Barn in Niantic. its a big barn and small weird little buildings, it has a mini goat farm, and cats everywhere. Another random thing about CT, they have a lot of amazing tattoo artists. So, its also a cool state to stop in and get amazing custom tattoos.

      If you are a weirdo like me you could dream of doing a driving tour of coastal Maine to see their metric fuckton of lighthouses.

      If you can afford the gas I would also say drive to a place like Philly. It’s only probably 4hrs from where you are, you can find lots of parking, and its got a lot of random shit happening at all times. It’s way cheaper than NYC or Boston, but you still get a big city experience.

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73. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOU WONDERFUL SEAHORSES!
    Though I haven’t been a reader since the beginning, y’all have impacted my life in so many ways over the last 3-4 years, often in ways that I don’t even realize until way after the fact. Thank you for creating this space and for continuing to strive to be the absolute best ever.

    First, fuck/marry/kill (or like ‘spoon/adopt a puppy/force to watch skinsfire on repeat’ or whatever kind of verbs you want to use): IHOP, Subway, Chipotle.

    Second, I’m in this composition class and my professor is really pushing her conservative beliefs on everyone. Like every article we read for her class is about something like income inequality is not a problem, affirmative action is totalitarianism, people are poor because they’re lazy, stuff like that. And she goes on these mini-rants in class sometimes about how President Obama is a dictator and the gender wage gap is a myth and just a whole lot of stuff like that. And we just had a big essay due and I spent hours on a totally badass feminist essay that I was really proud of and felt great about. I got a much lower grade than I expected, and her criticisms were all basically ‘sure but this is still immoral’ or ‘i find these statistics very hard to believe so i will choose to ignore them even though you cited two different reliable sources.’
    So like I’m not sure what to do about this? I’m really struggling with money right now and I’m paying a lot for this “writing” class(if I knew how to do html stuff I would cross out writing and write conversion next to it) and it just makes me so angry. I am afraid to talk about it with her in case it affects my grade and also because sometimes when I get angry I cry and ohboy that turns into a mess. I’ve thought about voicing my concerns to a department-head at the school or something but I’m not sure if I’m overreacting and also I really don’t want to further jeopardize my grade if she finds out. I also thought about stewing in silence until the semester is over and then writing something about it and sending it to the school’s newspaper.
    What do you think? Is this a normal thing that happens in college? Am I completely overreacting? Should I just try to let it go and pretend it’s a game or something?

    Thanks if you answer my questions, also thanks if you don’t! I appreciate all of you so much for all of the hard work you put into everything that happens in this little online world and I’m so happy that you’ve made it to 6. Just a few more years and you’ll be getting your Hogwarts letter!

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    • hi mik!

      1. fuck chipotle, also marry chipotle, kill subway and IHOP.

      2. first, you are totally not overreacting! i was also a composition teacher, and so feel very confident telling that what your instructor is doing is SUPER NOT OKAY. like i could talk for days about why and how and in what specific ways that’s terrible, but i think you probably already know. it seems very clear that this is impacting your learning experience, and you’re 100% right to be concerned about your investment in this class.

      i would definitely recommend going to the department head about this. trust me, based on my experience, people have gone to the department head for much less. i would email whoever the head is ahead of time and work out a time, just saying that you’d like to talk about this class. i would bring with you a copy of the paper on which she wrote those dumb comments, and also bring a written list of the incidents in class that you’re talking about — rants about obama, etc. tell them that this is impacting your learning experience, and that if you’d known the class was going to be an excuse for polemic ranting, you wouldn’t have chosen to take it. tell them also to what degree you’re worried about your grade being affected by not agreeing with her political views, since that’s a huge problem!

      as a heads up, whoever you meet with about this will likely ask if you’ve already brought this up with your teacher on your own, and if you haven’t, they’ll likely tell you to try that first. so i’d recommend (if you haven’t) at least sending an email or something asking for specific changes — for instance, whether students can suggest texts so that you aren’t reading ones that she agrees with all the time, or asking that comments on your writing address your rhetoric rather than your values as a person. even if she doesn’t respond well to this, you can at least print out her reply and show it to whoever you talk to.

      it may also be worth asking around in your class and seeing if other students feel the same way — if they do, and are willing to go to the department head with you, it will make your case that much stronger!

      good luck mik! i’m sorry you’re having this experience :(

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      • Thank you! This has been bugging me and I felt stupid asking but I’m glad I did. Even if I don’t do anything about it, it’s reassuring to hear that my current situation isn’t the standard college experience.

        Also IHOP is totally awesome. How dare you.

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    • subway, ihop, chipotle

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74. For the team: What is one wish you would have for Autostraddle?

    *then blow out the candle!!

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    • That everyone who can possibly afford it would show their support by joining A+!!! Queer progressive independent media doesn’t grow on trees and needs all four elements to thrive – that means love (water), a plan (air), inspiration/passion (fire) and guess what else, money (earth)!

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    • “to have dannielle do 100 podcasts” – autostraddle, probably

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    • one million dollars

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75. My girlfriend and I love each other very much and I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else, but we have this recurring issue:
    She suffers from depression and when she gets upset or nervous about something unrelated to our relationship, she shuts down – one word responses, needs to go into another room, etc. My gut reaction is to be really affectionate to be reassured because I kinda have abandonment issues. This makes her pull away even more because she needs space when she’s upset, which makes me then cry, and then she feels like shit and it just turns into a vicious cycle. Other than these once a month instances of us setting each other off, things are awesome.
    So, any ideas on how to deal with my girlfriend’s depression and/or my insecurity when she is depressed and needs space?

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    • Oh, and how do I not take it personally? Sometimes I feel like it’s my fault that she’s depressed, like I can’t make her happy, even though she tells me it’s totally not me and she’s been like this all her life. I guess I’m just really insecure about this.

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    • Hey, Ally! I’m sorry you’re having these once-a-month instances of setting each other off, but you’re already so far ahead of the game because you know exactly what is happening. The good news is that some communication and compromise can go a long way toward helping you guys navigate these hurtful situations.

      Step one: At a time when y’all aren’t in the middle of one of these cycles, approach your girlfriend and tell her you’d like to set aside a time to talk about how you can work together to get both of your needs met when this thing happens. Tell her it doesn’t have to be right that second. But you definitely do want to talk about it because you have some strategies about how your relationship can be even better.

      Step two: Explain what you know is true in a way where you’re using a lot of “I feel” statements so your girlfriend knows you’re not trying to attack her. “I feel like this is a cycle we get into. I know you need space when you’re depressed/upset and I want to support that. I want you to have everything you need to feel safe and calm with me. Because of whatever thing, I have an intense fear of being abandoned, so I sometimes interpret your perfectly valid need for space as rejection. Here’s a thing you can do that I think will make me feel more secure in those situations.” It honestly could be as simple as her looking you in your eyes and saying, “I love you. I am not going to leave you. But right now, I am feeling tense/stressed/anxious and I need to be alone with my thoughts.”

      Step three: Put those things into action. It’s going to take a little while to find out what works for y’all, but you can do it if you keep talking about it and trust each other and are willing to give a little. She’s going to have to give you some communication. She doesn’t have to process everything she’s feeling during her moments of needing space, but she does have to give you some words to let you know your relationship is all good, that she’s not upset with you, and that she needs some alone time. And you’re going to have to respect her need for space, which will actually probably be a lot easier for you to do if she’ll just talk to you a few minutes about it.

      Step four: Follow up these times where she needs space with times of cuddle piles and making out. It will help you reconnect, it will fill up your affection tank, and the more it happens the more you will be able to relax when she starts to pull away because you’ll have a whole set of memories to lean into that prove she’ll be back in your blanket fort soon.

      Step five: Encourage her to see a therapist, if she’s not already seeing one. Depression isn’t curable, of course, but talking to a therapist is a great way to start developing coping and managing techniques for anxiety and stress and depression.

      Step five: Check out this book called Talking to Depression. I have found it very helpful in my own life!

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      • Thanks so much, Heather!

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76. Hello! I am getting (gay) married in August! Yay! And I’m totally, regrettably, and hopelessly stuck on what to get my fiancee as a wedding gift. So naturally I’m asking Autostraddle to help. I know what she’s getting me already though I haven’t seen it- but she’ll kill me if I write it on the internet (Read: I can’t wait to get it). Pertinents: I’m the “butch” bow-tie wearing, flag football playing, cooking/cleaning half, and she is the (beautiful, smart, funny) femme budgeting, dog-walking, and all-around better half. Any and all ideas welcome.

    Thanks!

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    • Hey @adriannasicari – congratulations on being in love with someone that much!!!

      I drew you a card from Dori Midnight’s Dirty Tarot deck and you got Boots. So you could take that totally literally and get your boo some AMAZING footwear, something that’s gonna last forever, like you can walk through life together and she has comfy, healthy, happy feet, which is like the best gift ever cos it’s light and pretty but also deep and meaningful.

      Or you could take this a little deeper. Boots are about having strong foundations, about being physically able to go through life. So some kind of amazing tool she can use in her work or that will provide her with security and strength and that tells her that you’re totally there supporting her in a really real, practical way.

      OR maybe you two could go on a horse riding holiday in Texas if your budget will stretch to that!

      

      In the little book with this deck Dori Midnight writes:

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      • Oh, well that quote bit didn’t work!

        “Sturdy support, a simple craft. Work, productivity, hitching up your horses and riding through. Hootin’, hollerin’, shit-kickin’ dance. Walk proud. Strut. Endure.”

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      • I like it. Inspiration is just what I needed!

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77. Hi guys,

    Firstly happy birthday and thank you for all you do here.

    I have a question for anyone who wants to answer.

    I have been with my girlfriend for three years. She is amazing and supportive in pretty much every way you’d want a partner to be. We own an apartment and a dog together and have talked about kids and marriage (although it is not legal in Australia) and all of that business.

    The problem is, and it’s only sort of become an actual, rather than abstract problem in our relationship recently is that she is not out to her family. She has an eastern european background and her parents/family are quite conservative. I know you must be thinking “well you live together, you have a dog, how can they not know?” (They think she bought the house and I’m her galpal roomie). Honestly,I know they don’t know because they are so nice to me, and they wouldn’t be so welcoming if they did know.

    Up until this point I’ve never pushed her to tell them because I know how much they mean to her and I don’t want to be the one to force her into telling them, I want it to be her decision. It’s always been “eventually, I will tell them”, but eventually is here and we’re no closer to it. I know she wants kids and a life with me but that can’t happen until this does, and this is a pretty huge thing.

    We’ve spoken about it a bit over the last few months and the conversations always end with her saying “yes I know I need to tell them”, and yet, nothing.

    She’s also not really out at work (she is to her friends though). I don’t want to be the person who gives her an ultimatum and I’m not planning to, but this affects me, it affects my life and my wellbeing. I don’t want to be selfish, and I hope that I’m not, but until this point I’ve not felt like I’ve been pushed back into the closet but now it feels like I’m being choked in here. On an intellectual level I know this has nothing to do with me, and her feelings towards me and our relationship, but a lot of it has to do with internalised homophobia and I know she has a lot of it that she chalks up to being a “private person”. On an emotional level, her not being out to her family (and at work, which is the same, but a slightly separate issue) makes me feel as if she is ashamed of me.

    So basically I have no idea what to do, besides have the same conversations over and over. My girlfriend is a Hufflepuff through and through, she is loyal and kind and hardworking, but she’s not the bravest, she needs to be nudged into things but I don’t want to be pushy with her.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    Thanks,
    Ella

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    • I hate to say therapy (because it’s bloody expensive), but therapy. This is an incredibly difficult and painful situation for you both, but the bottom line is that it’s her fight, her folks, her choice. You can 100% disagree with her and wish deeply that things were different, but respecting the bottom line here is critical, and it’s hers. An ultimatum is probably the quickest and most destructive route to resolution; therapy can help you to understand what you can live with, and help you manage that better.

      Perhaps your partner will be inspired to also seek out therapy, perhaps organically you’ll both end up seeing someone together, perhaps just talking to someone will alleviate some of the urgency and anguish you’re feeling.

      Most importantly, it’s going to interrupt the stressful and unproductive cycle the two of you have been in for awhile, and I think that’s a fantastic first step. Remember that so many others have gone through this and you’re not at all alone. So much love to you both! Good luck!

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78. @kristinnoeline — So what *IS* your advice for dealing with a vegan?

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    • fired

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    • I would also like to know.

      precursor: completely respect veganism and people’s choice to go vegan. I don’t jive with the militancy/morality complex. I’ve had long-term friends break up with me because I eat dairy. so there’s that.

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    • WELL I AM GLAD YOU ASKED. For me, this comes in two parts:

      1. I eat less meat. I don’t do that because Dannielle asks me to do that, though. I would be really mad if she told me what I could and couldn’t eat and probably eat burgers every day just to spite her. LUCKILY she is a friendly vegan. I eat less meat because I like vegetables and because it means we can easily eat together. I have my rules though: No places that say something is meat when it is made out of soy, because that drives me bananas. So, Dannielle and I usually look at our options (this is when we are touring and have to eat out) and find something that is either my-kinda-vegan OR a place that has vegan and non-vegan options. WHICH, btw, leads me to point #2…

      2. Compromise. If you are cooking at home, let’s be real: MOST side dishes are already vegan or can easily become vegan. So, if your boo/business wife makes some BBQ tofu… you can make some BBQ chicken and like, you each have your own, almost-identical meals.

      Did that help?
      Also from my experience, playing Britney Spears cheers any vegan up really quickly**

      **my study included one vegan, her name is Dannielle.

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      • AGREE AGREE AGREEE

        I’M A SLAVE 4 U WILL WIN OVER EVERY VEGANS

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        • wait no but this is also 100000% true for my vegan partner so that brings your sample size up to two which i’m pretty sure means it’s scientifically significant.

          who knew that brit was the key to vegan love?

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      • Just reading comments that I missed yesterday and I have to say +1 for vegan and Britney fan here!!

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79. Maybe I’m after advice, maybe I’m just after reassurance. We’ll see when I get to the end of this.

    I came out about 18 months ago when I turned 30. I left a marriage and a house & a 13 year relationship with a man & I’m a lot (like, a lot) happier now. I have a beautiful girlfriend and a new flat and we’re about to move to London together. I feel more comfortable with myself and my life and like I’m being properly honest with myself for the first time in years.
    (I never identified as straight – I identified as bisexual for years but being in a relationship with a dude-type-person meant I really didn’t need to come out that much)

    But I do struggle, still, with the suspicion that everyone else thinks I’m just faking it. That they think it’s a phase & I’m just doing it because it’s fashionable.
    Or that I can’t talk about the struggle that comes with coming out because, overall, it went rather smoothly for me (tho, lord, divorce is not easy in NZ). That not knowing I was super gay when as I was 13 or 15 or even 18 kind of cancels out my own experience?

    I went through a phase where I was just trying to talk about being gay like, all the time. I tried to change the way I dress (quite femme) to be “more gay” but thankfully I think I’m over that? But also really want to get a scissoring jumper still.

    Help! Does this feeling fade? How do I deal with everyone assuming I’m straight because I’m a femme? Is this why I feel like like everyone else thinks I’m a big fat faking phony?

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    • hi sarah-rose! i feel you SO HARD re: all of this! i came out when i was 25 or 26 and ended a 9 yr marriage w/ kids, then moved across the country. i also went through a cargo shorts phase.

      first things first, the feeling does fade, yes. i found that i needed some distance between my new life and my old life before i could feel safe in myself and my own intuitions again. and over time i even stopped seeing my old life as a mistake or something i could’ve done differently. i came to a place where i forgave myself for not fully knowing me yet, and i gave myself permission to keep surprising me, forever and ever. that was the hardest part — forgiving myself and starting to look at my life as one long journey, where things will keep changing and i’ll keep changing, and feeling calm about that. because we want stability, we want to feel like we have things figured out — and you do have some things figured out! — but also we’re here to learn and try things and fuck up and be real. whatever your life was before this day, it was real. you learned about yourself and now you’re trying something else. and this is real! and if something about this changes or becomes fucked, it was still real, it was still important, and you’ll still learn things.

      it’s true that you can’t talk about the struggle of coming out as a teenager, and it’s awesome that when you did come out, it went smoothly! so no, you can’t commiserate on those things, but you still have super valid experiences that can help other people see themselves for who they are, and give them the courage to take risks in order to be happy. you still have that — let that be what you give people. ending a 13-year relationship and flipping your whole life around isn’t something to take lightly. that took GUTS. going after a life you truly want, going after your own happiness, is GUTSY. you’re a fucking badass. you have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself, and you’re doing that every day.

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    • I think women in general are conditioned by our winning societies to feel like frauds about all of the things all of the time, and no aspect of life is safe from Imposter Syndrome, not even one’s sexual orientation. Ironically, faking it (’til you make it) is one of the best ways to put a stop to feeling like a fake. You cannot control how people view or judge you, but you can absolutely control how you view and judge yourself.

      Assert yourself as gay, as femme, as a lesbian, as queer, as whatever you know yourself to be. No additional validation required. It may take time and tenacity to let the darkest and gnarliest places of yourself absorb the truth, but they haven’t got a choice – the truth is the truth! And never forget that there is no salve like that of other femmes cooing and loving on you. Surround yourself accordingly!

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    • Sarah-Rose <3

      As someone who knows you it's so stupidly clear how much happier and more authentically YOU you are now you're living your truth.

      Also yes to everything Laneia said.

      OK sorry for hijacking this Q&A xx

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80. Happiest of birthdays to you!

    I do have a question(s) that I’d love to hear some feedback on! Here goes:

    What is your advice when moving in with a partner? My girlfriend of a little over a year and I have been talking about moving in together since last summer. We waited until this spring because we weren’t in a rush and also because we both felt like living by ourselves or with roommates for a bit longer. We found an apartment we both love and that’s in both of our budgets. We’ve had conversations leading up to moving in about living styles, money, family, alone time, chores, friends over, etc. I feel like we’re both super pumped (we’ve both said so to each other and have done happy dances) but we also are trying to be smart about it and know that it takes work. Any extra tips, tricks, advice for me and us?

    OMG I JUST THOUGHT OF ANOTHER SUPER IMPORTANT QUESTION: Can you help me name the apartment? A bunch of my buddies have super awesome names for their houses/apartments and my partner and I would like a rad name as well. So far we have The Beaver Den, The Rad Pad, and The Burrow as ideas. Any more you can think of???

    Thanks :)

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    • Woo! Congratulations on finding an amazing apartment together! As someone who has all kinds of *feelings* about co-habitation, but actually just recently did it with my partner, my advice is, make sure you have a space which is only yours, and your partner too. My partner and I live on a boat so that’s a really small one-room space so there’s no getting away from each other, so when we moved in, we found ourselves each a studio so we have that sanctuary where we can go to be alone. I know that’s not in everyone’s budget but it was an act of self love and an act of love towards the relationship to make sure we had that space away from each other…it makes us totally love the time we have together in our shared space too!

      So if you can’t have separate rooms, maybe just a desk in a corner or a comfy chair and a lamp that belongs only to you, that laundry doesn’t end up on, that you can have as messy or as neat as ONLY you like? It doesn’t matter how small it is, the point is that you can draw a boundary around it.

      Then…have loads of fun cooking together and totally also read this: http://www.autostraddle.com/15-things-you-learn-when-you-move-in-with-your-girlfriend-263215/ (plus everything else in the Uhauling category: http://www.autostraddle.com/tag/uhauling/)

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      • Ooooo having my own space and her having her own space is a super good point! We’re both introverts and totally get when the other needs “me time” so having space to do that sounds like a great idea. Thanks a ton!

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    • omg THE BURROW IS SO CUTE.

      I think that something super important to remember is that appreciation is key. You’re going to have some spats regardless, you’re two different people, living different lives, meshing them together, you can’t expect things to go soooo smoothly. BUT you can work hard to make the other person feel good.

      Appreciation is so fucking important and it’s the first thing to go. After month 3 someone stops saying ‘thank you for dinner’ or ‘thank you for doing the dishes’ or ‘thank you for letting me shower first’ and it’s SO EASY TO SAY THOSE THINGS. If either of you feel like you’re being under-appreciated EVERYTHING will feel so much more drama than it is.

      Yea, she put the almond milk container back in the fridge even though it was empty, it’s annoying but it’s whatever, UNLESS YOU FEEL LIKE SHE DOESN’T APPRECIATE YOU BC THEN IT IS THE WORST OFFENSE AND SHE IS TERRIBLE.

      You know what I mean?

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      • Right?! The Burrow has got a HP thing going on with it that we both kinda like.

        Appreciation. Yes, thanks for saying it even though my knee jerk reaction is to be all, “duh we will do that!” Cuz yes, after things get comfy cozy at our place, forgetting to thank each other for things might and probs will happen. Knowing this up front helps! Thanks!

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    • oh congrats on moving in! that’s so exciting and i bet your apartment is really cute. i feel like all my ‘tips’ on moving in are variations on ‘communicate!’ but bear with me i still think they’re pretty solid. first, while i recognize that everyone’s communication and conflict styles are different etc etc etc, i still think it becomes really important once you’ve moved in with each other to address problems IMMEDIATELY, or at least as soon as possible. when you weren’t living together and she did something that annoyed you on Monday, you could think it over and have time to cool off and bring it up when you went to her place on Wednesday, or you could talk about it on the phone or over gchat before then. like, she wasn’t necessarily around for the period where you stew about the annoying thing before you’re ready to talk about it like a normal person. but now that you live together you will be eating breakfast across from her and cleaning up the towel she left on the floor in the bathroom and sleeping next to her ALL WHILE STEWING. and that makes it way worse obvs, and also she can probably tell that you’re stewing but doesn’t know why, and the list goes on. basically i think it’s a good idea to bring things up right away!

      in related news, i think it’s best to act like the other person is a martian from space when it comes to housework/chores etc, by which i mean start with a totally blank slate and don’t assume anything. assuming that another person knows how you like chores done, or is going to do the dishes in the sink, or noticed that you cleaned the litter box last time and so is planning on cleaning it the next time, will only lead to problems.

      also, it sounds paradoxical, but when you live together i think you have to make more of an effort to hang out. because your previous definition of hanging out — “being in the same room together” — is no longer actually hanging out, but is just “being in the apartment,” you have to be a little more intentional after a few months. it’s easy to get into a rut of both of you just sort of hanging out in the living room silently, maybe with Netflix on, and both looking at your phones before bed; so, basically doing exactly what you would do if you were alone, but with another person. make specific plans sometimes to watch a movie together with your phones turned off, or make a special dinner together, or play Yahtzee, whatever your thing is.

      good luck whitney!

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      • Addressing problems immediately, yes. So far we have done pretty well with this, but I know once we move in it’s different.

        We’ve both picked up on a few things about chores and how we go about them differently but I’m sure there will be plenty more to come! haha

        Thanks for bringing up the intentional part about hanging out together. I think that’s something I didn’t really think about. I’ll get my brain going to think of some cutesie hangout dates.

        Thank you much!

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    • Also, duh you can use the walkie talkie to let me know if you want to get together and have queer feels if shelbs is being a bad roommate :) haha only sort of kidding. let’s get those walkie talkies now, please, future neighbor!

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81. Happy birthday Autostraddle! This site has completely changed my self image and showed me how to be honest with myself. My question is to any brown queers who want to respond: Whenever I’m even a little bit attracted to someone, my internalized racism/homophobia both collaborate to convince me with absolute certainty that the person would never be into me. I grew up in a family where expressing romantic/sexual attraction was shamed. And so I end up putting myself in the same role over and over of the helpful, supportive, nonsexual best friend. Any advice on how to break out of that role (when I’m interested in something else)? Especially when so few positive examples of healthy brown queer relationships exist in my life?

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    • Hi Al! I’m a brown queer!
      Breaking yourself of habits like these can be very hard, I totally understand.
      So, there are two different ways of going about this…
      1. You don’t have to completely shy away from what you’ve been doing. Being a friend first can be a great way to segway into a relationship. It has it’s pros and cons.
      Pro: You’ll build a great friendship that is a wonderful foundation for an amazing realtionship.
      Con: You’ll make a move and the other person won’t be interested and it could get awkward, but not always! Sometimes you are able to go back to being friends with the understanding that it is what it is.
      2. If you know right off the top that you want more than friendship, make it known as close to the beginning as possible, this way you are able to avoid being friend zoned and your intentions are clear. With this approach, you can still court and build a friendship, but I find that it is often hard to revert to a friendship if a breakup happens because there isn’t really a friendship to revert to outside of the relationship. Make sense???

      You have to decide how comfortable you are with either approach. Being a friend to someone you care about it is great, but being friend-zoned can really be constricting. Be honest with yourself and with your friend, YOU NEVER KNOW…a friend could be waiting on you to say something :) They may think you are comfortable with being just their friend and then you are both missing out! I hope this is helpful!

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      • Thank you!

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82. @littleredtarot Dear Beth, I’m moving to a brand new city (where I know no one) in a few months… I’m pursuing a PhD and I’m really really hoping I’ll make a group of amazing queer friends and maybe even find a partner. Any chance you could look into the cards and see what may be in store? OR if anyone else has advice re: moving, starting over, meeting queers, BEING SO ALONE. It’s terrifying. But also kinda cool.

    Also I forgot to say earlier how thankful I am for all of this (seriously) and happy bday, AS :)

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    • Hey @elrona! Oh god I totally know the feeling, I moved to a new city a few months ago and a week later my partner went away for three months and I was totally stunned by how suddenly alone I felt. It’s intimidating but yes! Also super cool and exciting like you have this whole amazing blank slate! So happy housewarming and welcome to your new city!

      Okay the first thing to say is that I don’t predict the future, but I can totally draw cards to look at what’s surrounding you right now. I’m gonna use a really simple two-card layout which looks at your challenge and some advice for working through that challenge…

      

      Okay, two major cards here – so this is a formative and important time for you! Temperance is crossed by The World, there’s some really beautiful, calm energy here – this isn’t about rushing into things or grabbing at every opportunity you see. First off, the challenge is to find the places where you feel good, which make you feel good in your soul. Temperance is about blending together the best parts of ourselves, and you want to be seeking out the groups, places, coffee shops or whatever where you feel that you can be totally yourself, where your water (heart and soul) and fire (what inspires and motivates you) are being satisfied. That’s really hard when you move to a new city and you don’t know people…but it’s a slow process, and as The World shows, it’s a cycle you go through over and over. Building community is something that can’t be rushed – and you can build an amazing community, only to change, to evolve and go back to the start and begin again from scratch.

      The World shows you that you’re a whole, amazing, incredible person and that this moment in your life is really significant in terms of finding your niche – the things you end up joining in with over the next few months are going to have a big impact for you. Keep a hold on who you are (a la Temperance). Finally, look for opportunities where you can genuinely give. The World says you can make a difference, right now, even though you’re new to your city. Think about what you can give, how you can help, join in with an activist group or do some volunteering in an area that really speaks to you.

      Good luck!! xxxx

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      • So lovely and really on point. Thank you, sweet Beth! xo

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83. First off, I love you all, thank you so much for everything you do!! Autostraddle has seriously, made a huge positive difference in my life.

    I’m 20 and usually feel pretty directionless in life but something that I always come back to is I really care about queer young people. It breaks my heart to see how they can struggle with a lack of support from family and community(of course this effects people at all ages as well). However I don’t really know how I could use my life to really help.
    Pretty much every career test I’ve taken has placed me into social work or similar. I don’t really like school and the idea of student loans/debt is an anxiety nightmare for me, but I’m willing to figure that part out if I could see a clear path. However I do not have the money to go to school for something I am not completely sure about, but I also feel like I will never be sure about anything and this is holding me back negatively. Then I over think everything and end up doing nothing and it is a terrible pattern.
    So in summary I suppose these are my questions:
    How/what can I do to help lgbtqa+ kids?
    How do you not freak out about the prospect of student debt?
    What type of degrees would be good to put me in this direction?
    Anything anyone says would be helpful and thank you so much again <3

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    • HI HI – I think its okay to chill on college for a bit until you’re a little more clear on what it is that you wanna do!

      I would start by looking for internships or volunteer opportunities. There are a ton of national or international or local places that need hands on deck and their entire livelihood rests upon the hardworking mitts of their volunteers! The Trevor Project, GLAAD, Local LGBTQ+ centers, online resources, etc., soooo many places that are well-established and in need of humans. Do some research on your area and start to get a foot in the door. The more volunteer work you do, the more experience you’ll get with different ways to help the community. You’ll also meet people who work in different areas and might need help in the future. IT’s just a beautiful pool of people who are doing what you want to be doing. Things will become much more clear once you start to get in there and ask questions!

      There are also volunteer opportunities that can happen from the internet, if you have access to wifi, you could intern for an online presence that focuses on queer youth!

      So many dope options out there for you!

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84. i found out a mere hour ago that my hair person for the past two years has gone AWOL, shut down their salon, the whole thing. this is very upsetting. does anyone have hair feelings today? let’s open up a hair feelings circle.

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    • my gf cuts my hair and she was like ‘want me to cut your hair’ a bunch of times and then i started being like ‘HEY EVERYONE JULIA HATES MY HAIR NOW’ as a joke and now she hasn’t offered to cut my hair in like a week and it’s getting out of control, so….

      don’t do that?

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    • No no nononoono. I have so many feelings about this. This is. This is my worst nightmare. This is UNETHICAL. THEY CANNOT JUST ABANDON YOU LIKE THAT.

      I just want you to know I stand in solidarity with you and I am upset along with you.
      Feelings circle *secret handshake* *etc*

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    • This happened to my wife yesterday. BOTH her barbers just left the handsome barber place she went to, WTF? THINK OF THE TOMBOYS, TWEED BARBER OF BOSTON. So rude.

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85. As someone who sits somewhere in the middle of femme presenting – you know, girly, but not full girl. No heels or manicures etc for me. Nothing against these things, just not my cup of tea.

    Anyhoo, anytime I come out, I am almost always met with surprise and the well intentioned, but aggravating remark, “But you don’t look gay!” Thanks for playing into the patriarchy and baseless stereotypes there pal.

    So my question is, how to send out the gay vibes, without dressing differently or getting an alternative lifestyle haircut?

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    • Yeah, there’s no easy answer. I mean, you could try to code queer with your hair style or piercings or visible tattoos or how you dress, but it doesn’t always work. Especially with straight people who wouldn’t know gay if it sat on their face, you know? Like, some people just aren’t going to see it. And if it isn’t you, then obviously don’t do it!

      But there are subtle ways you can code within the community. A lot of it has to do with how you hold yourself, with your confidence level. I feel like I’m more likely to be read as queer if I’m really giving out “strong woman” vibes, like standing shoulders back with my head up, making direct eye contact, basically just looking like a bad ass. Also, you know, giving other queer people a smile or head nod is a way of signaling that you are family.

      However, straight people are not so great with gaydar and I don’t think they every will be. If you’re comfortable, it is fun to play dumb when people say dumb things like, “But you don’t look gay!” Like, you could say, “Oh, what does gay look like? I assure you I am!”

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      • Thank you, thank, you, THANK YOU!!

        Tattoos, check. I really need to get my nose piercing redone, because a) I miss it and b) it did send off minor gay vibes.

        I haven’t actually ever thought about my body language from this perspective and I get what you mean. Thinking of my badass femme friends, they have the whole confident body language thing down, and I think it really does make a difference. Now to put this into practice in my life.

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    • hello!

      1. autostraddle merch
      2. gay eye contact
      3. just being gay
      4. be gay
      5. when you’re gay and you have vibes
      6. ALL YOUR VIBES ARE GAY VIBES

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      • This list. On point. Number six, yep. Okay.

        It is the dream to buy Auto merch. One day when I’m no longer studying, I will be able to afford such luxuries.

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    • Hi Zoe.

      GOD THIS MAKES ME SO MAD AND ALSO HAPPENS TO ME. *flips table*

      First advice: Don’t flip a table. It never works out for anyone.

      Second advice: I like to really turn shit on its head in moments like that and say, “Oh, really? Annnnd, what does gay look like to you?” or, “Yea, it’s funny, I left my track suit at home today and this? *tugs on hair* This is actually a wig!”

      Third advice: If you don’t like to make waves, that’s cool – but please at least roll your eyes when you walk away. The universe will appreciate it.

      Last advice: Since “gay vibes” really don’t exist past the stereotypes that inform those kinds of comments, telling you what to do is tricky… because you should just be able to be you. IF you are like, UGH BUT I NEED A DATE, then as I was just saying to some other lovely person: eye. contact. EYE. CONTACT. That does everything. If you just want the general public to know you’re gay but you don’t want to wear a rainbow or have an asymetrical haircut, you could get an Everyone Is Gay sweatshirt #selfpromotion or make your BFF always wear a shirt that says “THIS IS A GAY” with an arrow pointing to you?!

      I wonder if I am helping anyone out…
      HAPPY TUESDAY!
      omg it’s Monday.
      HAPPY MONDAY!

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      • Happy Tuesday was indeed accurate, for me at least, here down under (read: Australia).

        I just had an answer from Kristin from Everyone is Gay. Fan girling a little bit yo! More like a lot.

        Oh don’t worry I’ve got advice three on lock. And advice two, yes, this is a thing that I could do, and would like to. It’s like how will the people learn that their words are offensive and misguided, if no one calls them on it.

        Yes, eye contact. Is something I have noticed I am not great at. Definitely solid advice.

        Ps. Thank you!

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    • ZOE I FEEL YOUR FEELS DEEP WITHIN MY OWN FEELS. I have so often felt the tug towards “DO/SAY SOMETHING GAY NOW SO THAT CUTE GIRL YOU’RE SCOPING DOESN’T JUST LOOK PAST YOU.” It’s so weird! I have found myself pitching my voice in a lower end of my natural register in an attempt to ping. It…doesn’t always work? I went through, as many of us do, an experimental butch-y phase when I first came out, in part because I wanted it to be really clear to everyone who met me that I was gay. I wanted there to be no question about it. I was so tired of being closeted and seen as straight all the time that it felt like a blessing to look as stereotypically queer as I could, just for a break. And it wasn’t the right presentation for me in the long term, but there were some valuable things I picked up from that time.

      I mean, you’ll never be able to control what strangers think of you, but I think that, like, getting the word out among your circle of friends and acquaintances will do some of the coming-out work for you? Once they reach a critical mass of Your Gay Awareness, people will be able to get past the “Oh, Zoe is gay? But I saw her look at a butterfly one time” (or whatever) stage before they run into you.

      I don’t know, man! You can wear a leather bracelet and swagger like a cowboy and mention Tegan & Sara every eight seconds, but that will probably feel more than a little put-on and artificial after a while. I’m sorry that so many people near you are still so surprised at the existence of femme-y queer women!

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      • Yeah I definitely changed the way that I dressed when I first came out. And then one day, I just felt like I didn’t need to do that anymore. That the only me I need to be is me. You know? But then the current issue is how to navigate how I present myself, in a world where I am presumed straight. Argh gender and stereotypes, those murky waters.

        I’m definitely cool amongst my pals, it’s more the continual coming out to people – like at work, at uni, friends of friends. It gets tiring, and sometimes I think it would be easier to rock an undercut and wear a flannie, and sometimes I just don’t bother coming out, it’s easier to let people assume, because I don’t have the energy to correct stereotypes all the time.

        Thanks for your words. It’s a tricky space to navigate. One step at a time.

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86. @littleredtarot I would love a mini-reading from you! I’m feeling very emotionally swamped at the moment, and could use some insight into how to handle the present/near future.

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    • Hey @layna! Oh gosh… that sounds tough!

      I drew you two cards, the Seven of Swords, and the Seven of Wands:

      

      So there’s this issue here where someone’s not being 100% honest about something they know, and I feel like this is actually you. For whatever reason you’re holding something in, hiding something important…and yet that thing is kinda the key to the whole emotional swamped-ness. Maybe you don’t want to share it or open up any further because it’s actually just too damn much and you’re already exhausted, which is totally understandable!

      The Seven of Wands says that this one little extra thing could solve everything, so think of sharing this as a way of shining a light into darkness – where everything is too much, this final push of honesty will actually be a bright little spark of light and truth which will change everything. The feeling of overwhelm and challenge will fall away and everything will start to make sense. So it’s about digging one tiny last dig to get to that little nugget of truth.

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      • thank you so much @littleredtarot. I’m still chewing on your answer, 3 or so hours later, and I probably will be for a long while yet! I’m always amazed at how even just one or two cards can still pack quite a punch.

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87. @littleredtarot can you draw my tarot card??

    Also you guys do you think we’ll make 500 comments?

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    • Hey @vinzzz27 I absolutely can do that!

      You got the Two of Keys – so you know that idea that you have, the one you can’t stop thinking about? It’s a good one. A really good one. You’re about to do something really, really special, so don’t bury it or forget about it.

      Sit with it for just a few more days, keep tossing it around in your mind, and when you’re ready… DO IT. It’s going to be amazing.

      

      PS I think we’ll make 1000 comments easy.

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      • Wow!! Thanks!! I’ll try and figure out WHICH idea it is first though. lol.

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88. OK SO I feel so incredibly pathetic and inadequate compared to all my friends who have been dating and hooking up with people since at least high school. I have dated ONE person my entire life (with no one else ever indicating interest. Granted I only just realized I’m gay so that probably didn’t help) and didn’t even kiss anyone until twenties—-and haven’t gone further than that. I feel like such a loser and petrified that people will find out my lack dating history. It’s like my lack of experience in the romantic world is equated with my own (and others’ perception) of my self-worth. I objectively know this isn’t true but when people make comments about other people who have never dated, or other ’virgins’ out there, I obviously take it personally even though they don’t know their comments are impacting me. While I want to trust and believe that the person/people I’m meant to be with will come along when the time is right, and maybe I’m just *special* (in a good way lol), I blame all this on being ugly, quiet, introverted or otherwise ”weird”. But it mostly just hurts and I don’t know how I’ll ever find someone, let alone someone who will accept this about me.

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    • wait wait wait wait WAIT.

      Listen. I am 34 and married and before I met my wife I had dated TWO people, so I do not find you weird in the least… and like, WHO are these people who are making comments about ‘virgins’? I am sorry, I know that these things happen, but I just cannot imagine how anyone would have shit to say about the dating history of others… LIKE FOR WHAT? Just, ask yourself that for a moment. What do you think these naysayers could possibly have in their hearts that would lead them to care a lick about who YOU date or bone or kiss or whatever?! Those kind of comments are rooted, usually, in insecurity. As in, the people who are that concerned with the dating life of others are typically MUCH more concerned with the fact that maybe their own dating life isn’t measuring up.

      So, let’s just start with measuring: you don’t measure someone’s date-ability by the amount of dates they’ve been on previously. You just don’t. At age 12, 16, 24, 30… I never thought to myself, WOW REALLY WANNA BONE THAT GIRL TOO BAD SHE HAS ONLY DATED ON OTHER PERSON *turns on heel*

      If you like someone, you LIKE them.
      If you’d met me and we’d liked each other, we’d be dating.

      There are a lot of people who don’t give a shit about how much experience you have… and do you want to know why?? Because the very PURPOSE of dating and falling for someone is gathering that unique experience. The whole point of it, the whole BEAUTY of it is that each and every combination of humans is brand new.

      I hope this helps – I mean every last word of it.
      Be excited to NOT know… it will make finding out sooooooo much more exciting for you and whomever you fall for.
      <3

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    • Anon! Sweet anon! There’s no such thing as a late start when it comes to sex, because there’s no such thing as checkpoints along the way to the finish line of sexual self-worth, because there’s no such thing as a finish line for sexual self-worth!

      The idea that being super sexually experienced is cool and makes you awesome (and, conversely, that being sexually inexperienced makes you unlikable/unlovable) is a thing that was invented by advertising agencies to sell cars. That is no joke. Some old white guy trying to make it appealing to drive a Ford Pinto decided to equate the Pinto with sex, and the rest is history. More ad agencies bought into it. So movies bought into it. So TV bought into it. It’s simple, effective propaganda. What feels good? Having sex. What feels good? Owning a Pinto. Sex and Pintos are the same thing. And now your friends are sitting around acting out those Rob Lowe DirecTV commercials without even knowing it. “This is me, cool sex-having Rob Lowe in a suit and tie. And this is other me, bald paunchy not sex-having Rob Lowe in a wife beater and jorts.” Truly, that’s the exact brainwashed puppet show people are acting out when they talk about sexually inexperienced people being “losers.”

      I did not have sex until I was 27 years old. I did not kiss a girl until I was 24 years old. I have always felt like an ugly duckling and I am very weird and deeply introverted. I will never, ever forget telling the first girl I seriously dated that I hadn’t had sex before. I was fucking terrified. And you know what she said to me? She said, “Do you think that will make me like you less?” And I was like, “Ha! What? No!” But I totally did think that, had been worried about it for YEARS. And it did not make her like me less. And we had a lot of sex. And it was great. I am not telling you that to make your question about me, but I want you to know that I am 36 now and in a longterm relationship that is satisfying in emotional and sexual ways I honestly didn’t think were possible.

      I’m not telling you that to make your ask about me. I’m telling it to you so you can know there’s nothing weird or wrong with you and when you find someone you want to have sex with, just be honest with them about your experiences and how you’re feeling. If they get weird with you — and it’s highly doubtful that they will — remember they’ve been bamboozled into buying a Pinto, and move onto someone who thinks for herself.

      You’re going to have as much sex as you want! You’ll get started when you’re ready!

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89. OK, a question. I picked a new name a few years ago, partly because I’d never liked the old one and partly because my given name was a super difficult name to pronounce for foreigners (and I’m an EFL teacher) – and also largely for gender reasons, though only a few people were let in on that aspect of my decision. Over the last few years I’ve been figuring out that I am some kind of non-binary gender and I’m much happier for having a gender neutral chosen name now.

    My situation is this: everyone (partner, friends old and new, everyone at work) calls me my by chosen name… except my family. My parents – mother in particular – were not impressed when I let them know I was going to start going by a different name. At the time, I said that I was just letting them know so they wouldn’t be confused by Facebook / post arriving under a new name, and I didn’t expect them to use the new name if that was weird. But years later, I’m reconsidering that position on the grounds that my old name doesn’t feel like ‘me’, and it’s weirdly uncomfortable for me to be addressed by it, and my relatives really are the only people who do it.

    My parents have been making progress re: accepting the queer thing, but they’re not all the way there yet. They don’t know about my feelings re: gender and I’m not ready to broach it with them, they’ve never been comfortable with my non-conforming gender expression. Also, I live abroad and don’t see them in person very often. I don’t want to make things awkward or difficult or potentially undo some of the progress we’ve made, but how can I explain to them that maybe I would like them to try using my new name after all?

    Happy birthday AS, this website means a lot to me and you are all awesome <3

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    • I think you should just ask, “Hey, can you call Sam now? I feel like it fits me better.” You don’t have to elaborate if you don’t want to. And then gently correct them when they call you by your given name. “Oh yeah, just a reminder, I prefer Sam. Thanks!” It’ll probably take several reminders, but I bet they’ll get used to it.

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      • Thanks for the advice. The “no elaboration, gentle correction” strategy is probably what I’ll try first, but I guess I’m worried that my parents will be difficult about it (this is not unusual for them) so I’m trying to mentally figure out some… scripts? That’s if I work up the nerve to address it in the first place.

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        • Yeah, coming up with some scripts is a great idea! It can take the pressure off in the heat of the moment. I always find it really hard to open up when I’m nervous or upset, and having an “auto-reply” is super helpful!

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90. 

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    • You win!

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    • omg

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    • yeah this is pretty fucking perfect.

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    • OH MAN. I miss sparkly gifs like this. MySpace, Geocities… all of it.

      #bringbacksparklygifs
      #sparklegifs2015

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91. I recently started dating this rad human being and I’m super excited and in that giddy phase and I’m having a blast. However, my question is how to deal with my horrible parents and navigate my relationship with them along with this new rad relationship.

    I don’t have a good relationship with my parents and really just somehow manage to co-exist with them. With my past relationship, I dated someone for three years and they refused to meet her. When we broke up 1+ years ago, I had a huuuuge blow out convo with my parents about how I was upset with how they disrespected her and then we didn’t talk for awhile. It “blew over” and since we’ve maintained an okay relationship just because I haven’t tried to rock the boat. Now, I have this new person in my life who I am uber excited about, but I don’t want it to be another relationship that they ignore. They have said MANY horrible, hurtful things to me in the past and many of their opinions are coming from their solid relationship with their scary, conservative, Lutheran church they attend and are active in.

    I recently invited them to a performance of mine where this new person would be too and told them that if they were just going to ignore her, I did not want them to come. To my surprise, they came and my dad was a social person and was kind enough to introduce himself, but my mom refused to look at her/acknowledge her and at the end when I introduced them, my mom looked like she was about to cry and run out of the room, but she said “hi.”

    I don’t want my parents to disrespect and ignore my new person and I also don’t want to rock the calm seas of “okayness” that we’ve maintained just because I have been single. My therapist is encouraging me to set boundaries with my parents and reminding me that I should keep the people closest to me in my life that make me happy. I am sad that my parents can’t be more involved in my life and I think it was a great step that they showed up knowing my new person would be in the same room, but I am exhausted emotionally from them and I want to use the small amount of energy I have getting to know my new person and having fun. This makes me feel super selfish because my parents are getting older, but I really don’t have time to work on my relationship with them right now. I have this great new gf, an awesome friend social circle of chosen family, a crappy job that I need to switch whenever I have a minute of free time… I’m really great despite that job thing! It’s sad that they don’t know all of this great, but I’m struggling with what to do with them now that I have this new happy thing.

    I’m really happy and I’m sad they can’t see this happy. I know there will be holidays coming up where I will have to continue to navigate this and them, and that all just sounds exhausting and I’d rather be doing happy new relationship things! I don’t want my crappy parents to be a “thing” that we deal with in our relationship or something that whenever I try and talk about I start crying (what I do now) but I also am tired. Am I stuck in the cry phase and I’m just going to do this in between all the fun relationship stuff? It’s kind of a mood killer.

    So maybe my question is how can I maintain HAPPY in this new relationship when my parents are shitty and that makes me sad. How to keep my parents/sad feelings out of our happy, fun relationship?

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    • Hey I saw something that really called out to me and stopped reading your questions so… I’M SORRY BUT ALSO HERE COMES SOME PERSONAL ADVICE INFO.

      My therapist also suggested something similar to me. She thought / thinks it’s really good for me to set boundaries with my mom, and she’s right. I didn’t talk to my mom at all last year and the second I backed down and let her back in, my life feels pretty shitty again. I don’t even know if it’s a direct effect, but it’s certainly more than a coincidence. Family is what you make it. I know it’s tough to think about it that way, but we have this over-dramatized obligation to keep certain family members in our lives, when, to be brutally honest, some people just ARE NOT good at being a family member.

      You absolutely deserve to be surrounded by people who love and respect you. You don’t deserve the anxiety that comes along with having to allow someone toxic into your life.

      Sorry I didnt read the whole question, I just felt a pull and went with it!

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      • That is super helpful, thanks!

        Most people say, “They’re your parents just find a way to get along with them, they love you.” But that’s easier said than done. So, thanks!

        Some people DO suck at being family members.

        Everyone needs to hear that they deserve to be around good people! And everyone should have a therapist, cause yeah they’re awesome.

        Thanks for goin’ with the pull! Sorry that you felt “the pull” because that means others also have family that makes them feel shitty and that is sad.

        I thought about giving my parents your book, but because it has the “communication, yay!” vibe, I didn’t really want them to read it because I’m kind of done communicating with them. I’m sure they would have pulled something good out of it, but seeing as I’m an adult (31), I didn’t want them to start asking all the questions they should have asked years ago. Now, I don’t have the energy/think that’s best for me to have them involved in my life.

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    • “My therapist is encouraging me to set boundaries with my parents and reminding me that I should keep the people closest to me in my life that make me happy.”

      Sounds like you’ve got a good one! There’s nothing selfish or shitty or wrong with stepping back without letting go of your folks to take care of yourself, and to focus on something that is fully positive and magical in your life. They are adults and you can’t take control of their pace in the acceptance department; you’re allowed to say, “I love you guys, and you’re very important to me, but I can’t focus all of my energy on making you okay with me and the people in my life. You have to do some work on your own but that doesn’t mean I’m going anywhere.” It is VERY fair.

      You do you and replenish your energy and heart with the lovely new person, and take careful steps back toward your folks when you feel buffered and able enough to do so, and keep checking in with your therapist to make sure you’re taking a balanced approach to it all. You’re worth it, and it sounds like the new babe is, too.

      If and when you’ve had it, what Dannielle said is definitely a thing, too; at some point people earn a spot in your life, or they don’t.

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      • thank you!!

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92. To anyone:

    I have a huge problem with flakiness and have lost several friends over it. The problem is not so much that I can’t forgive it, but rather them insisting on their right to continue behaving the way they do in spite of knowing how shitty it feels to me. Any suggestions for how to stop myself from getting hurt from this, become more resilient and how to build better friendships in the future?

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    • I hail from the Bay Area, where being flaky is “a thing.” It sucks, but you can’t take it personally unless it’s your bestie or a super close friend where you have clearly established expectation levels for this sort of thing.

      That said, new and more casual pals should generally respect your time and feels enough to cringe and apologize appropriately when they flake, even if they can’t change their flaky ways (This is what I do when I am inevitably late and feel like a jerk.) It also helps, in my experience, to have backup plans (not people, just alternatives) in mind if you find that this is the social climate you’re dealing with. So-and-so can still be a wanker for not showing up when they said they would, but at least you can go around the corner and check out that cool _____ you’ve been curious about. Helps get over the more minor affronts.

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      • Thanks for the reply! The people I’m talking about were very close friends. I’m usually not offended when this happens with acquaintances, but I feel very hurt if people I’ve shared personal stuff with make me feel like I’m always their second priority. I can’t say I’ve made sure to establish expectation levels though. Any thoughts on how you go about doing that?

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        • Ouch, I’m sorry. If it happens again, wait ’til you’re face to face and just be honest. Give them the benefit of the doubt because it’s the grown-up thing to do, say you’re sure they didn’t mean to be hurtful or make you feel shitty, but that’s how it feels for you. Then listen to their feels, and try to get on the same page moving forward.

          I don’t know what that sounds or looks like, but maybe it’s a “OK, let’s confirm the night before, then, from now on” or “Can you text me when you’re on your way so I don’t leave the house like an asshole if you’re not gonna be there” or “I didn’t realize it was a big deal, it won’t happen again!”

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          • Thanks, I’ll definitely keep those things in mind. Usually though, when I’ve tried communicating, I get the sense that people just don’t want to deal with my feelings. One friend literally walked out on me and told me I wasn’t worth her time when I (admittedly a bit reproachingly) tried to confront her. Another friend told me they don’t believe in communication and it’s just for white people. So maybe I’m just getting stuck with the wrong people :-(. It always baffles me though, how people can be so kind and attentive one moment and yet so completely unwilling to compromise if their comfort is threatened.

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    • Flakiness is gross and I honestly believe that flaky people either a) are totally wrapped up in themselves and will never be able to be good friends or b) have some deep shit going on that they need to sort out in which case don’t hate them but…don’t rely on them. I think raising the issue is important and saying how you feel because often I think flaky people just take it for granted that the rest of us will always say it’s okay no matter the impact on us emotionally or practically.

      Alex Franzen wrote a great thing about this but I can’t seem to paste the link so Google ‘Alexandra Franzen flakiness’ and the top two results will really help you xxxx

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      • Thanks for the recommendation! Yeah, she pretty much nails it.

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93. @LITTLEREDTAROT Can you draw my tarot??

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    • @leluckie1 Yes! Just in the nick of time :)

      You got the Ace of Wands! This is an amazing card about the awesome potential of your ideas. Right now you have this really deep, passionate, fiery energy within you and it’s about to turn into a brilliant idea. Pay attention to that. It’s gonna be a big one! Be loud and proud about the thing that inspires you most – share it, lead with it, develop it, let it burn, START A FIRE!

      

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94. Three questions:

    1. Where do I find genderqueer grownups on the Internet? Mostly I find fifteen-year-olds yelling about how their moms won’t buy them a binder.

    2. How do I even begin the work of learning to love myself?

    3. How do I let something go if I never even had it in the first place?

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    • I would also be interested in an answer to #1! (It’s great seeing other non-binary folk on AS :))

      I wish I had the answers to #s 2 and 3 too and I wish you all the luck in the world with those processes.

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    • 3. to let a thing go that you never even had in the first place, you have to recognize that you did have it. in some way you had this thing, it held weight for you, it occupied space in your heart and mind and life, and you took care of it in one way or another. you did a good job — the best job you could’ve done — and now it’s time to let it go. you get to rest now. now something else can have weight and take up space, and hopefully it’ll do so in a way that acknowledges the effort and energy you’re putting into it. you deserve to fully and completely have a thing, all the way, and to have that thing thank you for having it.

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      • Oh Laneia, you’re going to make me cry at my desk. This is exactly what I needed. Thank you. <3

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        • <3

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      • I’m gonna write this out WORD FOR WORD in my feelings journal. You made it into my FEELINGS. JOURNAL., Laneia. This is very high rank. Bless you.

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        • i feel very highly ranked rones. i really do! thank you!

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95. @LITTLEREDTAROT do i get another one, or is it one a day? i shoulda asked about money but i forgot so now here i am

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    • Oh you’re in luck I was just signing off…! Since it’s you…

      WOW Ten of Bones? You either have enough, or you soon will – hurrah! Don’t lose sight of the magic in the pursuit of riches – it is definitely 100% cool and okay to need to be financially resourced or to want more, and to make that a project in your life, but remember that best way to get it it to tap into your deeper magical powers, to actively create abundance in your life and make richness happen rather than to simply pursue it.

      

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96. I forgot to say when I asked my first question: HAPPY BIRTHDAY AS! I don’t comment lots but Autostraddle has seen me through from when I first 3 years ago

    Onto my second question: what size scissoring sweatshirt to get??? I’m a size 10-12 in UK (I think that’s 6-8 in the US?) and quite short.

    (Also, what colour, but that’s an easier one to compromise on b/c I could just get BOTH…)

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    • eurgh, ignore this comment, got trigger happy with my submit button!

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97. I forgot to say when I asked my first question: HAPPY BIRTHDAY AS! I don’t comment lots but Autostraddle has seen me through from when I first found you several years ago…I had just ended a longterm heterosexual relationship because of the realisation that maybe I liked girls, specifically one girl who then broke my heart and left me totally confused. Now I’m planning my gay wedding but along the way AS has been such a huge part of me accepting myself.

    Onto my second question: what size scissoring sweatshirt to get??? I’m a size 10-12 in UK (I think that’s 6-8 in the US?) and quite short.

    (Also, what colour, but that’s an easier one to compromise on b/c I could just get BOTH…)

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    • i think a medium?? i’m a size 4 in US and have a size large sweatshirt because i like a super loose fit when it comes to hoodies and sweatshirts.

      also you really can’t go wrong with either color!

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98. Hey guys! I need liquor advice. My favorite drink in the entire world is scotch on the rocks. (I know it would be classier to drink it neat, but what can I say? I love crunching on the ice afterwards…) But I’m kind of poor. What’s an affordable scotch that still tastes pretty good?

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    • Follow up question: name the sorts of Scotch you usually have on the rocks? Also what is your favorite thing about Scotch that can’t be missed?

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      • And maybe provide a per bottle range! There are ALWAYS options.

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      • I know it’s so late for this, but I normally drink various Wemyss Malts scotches but they’re not always available. I really enjoy pretty smoky or peaty scotches. My price range is under $40…

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    • Trader Joe’s brand!

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99. I graduated from grad school with my MFA last May. I used to say I “just” graduated, but it’s been almost a year. I went straight from high school to college to grad school, so I’ve always been in school and never had to be a grown-up in the real world. I want to pursue writing and producing theatre, but I need to pay the bills. I currently work part time, but it’s not enough hours or money. I’ve gotten a few interviews for full time day jobs, but I haven’t been hired for any of them. I’m applying to nannying jobs now, but I don’t know how long-term I want to do that, and I don’t want a kid to get attached to me, and then I leave for a theatre job or something like that. I’m really scared that if I do get a full time job, I won’t have time or energy to devote to writing and producing, but I can’t make ends meet with a part time job. I’ve thought about combining part time jobs, but ideally, I would love to get health insurance through an employer. And if I really seriously pursue a full time job, I don’t even know what type of job I’d do.

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    • Oh man WELCOME TO EVERY DAY OF MY ENTIRE TWENTIES.

      I feel you so very hard.

      First of all, I nannied for awhile and like, kids will be FINE if something awesome comes along and you have to go your way. Definitely do not let that hold you back. Nannying, and babysitting in general, honestly helped me through so much of my dear-god-what-do-I-do-with-my-life-and-what-is-money situation.

      Second of all. Please remember nothing is permanent. You need to do what you need to do now, and you navigate that as time passes. Did I WANT to take a full time job at a hedge fund in 2005?!?!? Can you imagine?! No no I did not. I wanted the money and the stability and the 401K and the FREE CHIPS… but it wasn’t creative, it wasn’t “me,” and it wasn’t what I had dreamed for myself… even a little bit.

      However, it did a lot for me that I couldn’t have anticipated (I think Riese just wrote a thing on this. Riese, I READ A THING YOU WROTE ABOUT JOBS). It taught me skills related to organization and just general getting-shit-done, and it helped me pay off debt that I would have never TOUCHED otherwise. And, three years into it I was like… I can’t do this anymore. I need to be creative. So, I packed my skill set and my 401K up in a tidy little bag and went to my boss and was like, GOTTA GO. And he was like, “why” and I was like “bc I need to do something with my life,” and he was like “how about you work part time and do that,” and I was like “OMG REALLY” and then everything started to fall into place.

      I had a part time job that allowed me to go back to school, and then as Everyone Is Gay started growing I went to him and put in my notice.

      It is okay to do what you need to do now. Look at all the options you have before you and choose the one that makes sense in this MOMENT, not FOREVER. You will get to the forever part as you work through the whole survival/confusion/navigating life part. Promise.

      xx

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100. Happy birthday, and you guys are a very nice place on the internet!

     I’m relatively new to the city where I am now, will have been out of work for a year April 4 for mental health/medical reasons that don’t look good to a lot of people (and took my previous job in 2005, so I have no clue how to find work either), am not really meeting people (I’m older, this city isn’t really my ideal demographic, and it’s just hard to meet people outside of church and bars), and I’m supposed to be recovering, but I keep slipping. My own feelings about my body generally make me want to hide under the cover or, preferably, actually under the bed. I’m lonely, but even I can see that a) I’m too messed-up for a relationship and b) I shouldn’t inflict myself on anyone. So, any solutions? Other than Netflix?

     Also, I miss my cat. My parents are holding her hostage. So, cat custody dispute advice?

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     • i think friendship is a good solution here, @francinekafka. what if you organized a staycation where everyone wrote letters to your parents begging them to send you the cat? what if they came over and you watched netflix TOGETHER? what if they came into your life, loved you so much you never looked back, and made this weekend the best thing ever? WHAT THEN?

       this is definitely what i am talking about, ps, just in case you have no idea about this thing my entire life is revolving around right now: http://www.autostraddle.com/lets-meet-up-and-stay-in-autostraddles-international-staycation-spectacular-is-march-14-279114/

       also a ps, is that you are an amazing and brilliant soul and i love you no matter how you feel or how many blankets you are hiding underneath. promise. <3

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       • Thank you. Thank you so much. I really, really mean that. You’re a pretty excellent person, yourself.

         I have had her for 12 years, so the missing-Alice point is pretty critical at the moment. It’s weird to come home and not have her waiting for me, and the most critical danger she faces from me is continuing to be assured that the universe does, in fact, revolve around her. I did talk to a group of friends about petitioning for her at one point; looks like it’s time to get that going again. So: staycation! Good plan. I can emerge from underneath blankets for that.

         Thank you– and all of you– for all that you do and for generally being here.

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101. Hi everyone!!! I’m totally star-struck by this list of amazing humans; it’s like A-Camp all over again but from the comfort of my own couch! Happy Birthday, Autostraddle!!!

     I would appreciate some encouraging words as I try to will myself out of my spring break stupor to finish this damn yearbook that’s due today.

     On a more serious note, how do you get yourself out of an unproductive spiral when faced with a lot of unstructured time? I always have lofty plans for spring break, but I never end up getting much done because I have trouble planning my time without classes and meetings and whatnot to force me to do things.

     Thanks! Y’all are the best, and I’m so grateful for everything Autostraddle has done for me over the past few years I’ve been reading–from A-Camp to helping me feel connected to the community year-round while living in an otherwise isolating rural environment to validating my bisexuality all day every day. <3

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     • “On a more serious note, how do you get yourself out of an unproductive spiral when faced with a lot of unstructured time? I always have lofty plans for spring break, but I never end up getting much done because I have trouble planning my time without classes and meetings and whatnot to force me to do things.”

       structure your time! make a to-do list. not a super-ambitious one full of vague verbs and lofty goals, but a nice reasonable one, filled with all the things you can get done. use specific verbs. instead of “handle birthday thing,” use verbs like “pick out restaurant on yelp.” “call restaurant to make reservation.” you know what i mean? so you are making specific tasks that can be done.

       then write yourself a schedule. 10am – 10:30 am – write emails to jenny, john and jenny #2. 11am – 12pm – gym 12pm-12:30pm – shower and get dressed, 1pm – 2pm – finish graphics for post about taylor swift. etc etc etc.

       do all of this the night before. if you have a whole week to structure, make a to-do list for each day the week prior, and then make your daily schedule for each day the night before.

       also, at the end of the day, in addition to crossing out what you’ve done, make a list of anything extra that you did or anything you did instead of what you were gonna do, just so you are keeping tabs on your own productivity.

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     • riese’s ideas are all great! i would also suggest pairing not-fun tasks you need to complete with funner or at least not-work tasks, and perform them that way, in pairs. like “call doctor for appointment/eat delicious lunch.” when you do the not-fun one, you get to also do the better one. rinse/repeat!

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102. @LAURA-M have you ever felt that parts of the STEM community are overtly inclusive (or exclusive) of the queer community? as a young engineer, who also happens to be a qpoc, i sometimes struggle to find common ground with my coworkers and colleagues at other companies.

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     • Hi, I’m a physicist and its usually very lonely being a gay/woman, I feel very different from the majority. There are some cool ones, but most of my friends are not in my field because its so white and male. It seems like there are huuuge efforts towards getting women into STEM. LGBT/non-white people not so much. It feels like its not something that’s talked about/considered an issue, would you agree?

       Maybe check out Lesbians Who Tech? They seem like cool people, I’m waiting for the next event in my city. And autostraddle had this article a few weeks ago which is relevant I think http://www.autostraddle.com/women-of-color-in-stem-face-double-jeopardy-new-study-finds-274577/

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       • It isn’t talked about! The focus is always on women, which is great, obviously, but I’d love to see a bigger push for LGBT in STEM fields. I don’t quite agree with the non-white part, at least, not on the academic level. When I was at school, there was a huge push to get and retain poc in STEM fields, so I never felt left out in that aspect. I knew there was a community I could relate to in some way. Now that I’m in the working world? Not so much.

         I’ll have to check out LWT! I keep hearing about, so I’ll see if they’re coming anywhere near me in the future. I read that article! It all rang true to me, but luckily I haven’t been confused for a janitor. Yet.

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         • I would really like to see that too. I’m sure there are lots of us! But not in a visible/collective way. And I’d really like to see a push to encourage more, its nothing I’ve really seen discussed. For me at least, my workplace is a university and is in no way hostile to women/gays/whatever, but there are lots of little things about the world of STEM that seem kind of exclusive?

           I wonder if there are people talking about this or if there are any groups or something we could join…

           @LAURA-M do you know?

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           • I know there’s the National Organization of Gay and Lesbian Scientists and Technical Professionals (NOGLSTP)! Vivian wrote about it a while back.

             And there’s Lesbians Who Tech, as you already mentioned.

             I don’t know of any umbrella groups for all of STEM, though.

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     • I think there’s so much variation depending on what field you’re in. When I worked as a military contractor analyst, I *really* didn’t feel like I could be out. I’m not in academia, but from talking to the scientist friends I know who are pursuing phDs, it also seems conservative.

       The area I’m currently in (commercial design/manufacturing, more or less) is great though! At my job, I actually have multiple out coworkers and it’s really not a big deal. We talk about our partners openly and we took a group photo together on National Coming Out Day. Our company social media person tweets stuff for pride week. I feel like I much more often have trouble because I’m a woman.

       What’s your experience?

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       • I work in transportation engineering. My firm is small, just 10 people, but I’m not comfortable enough with any of them to be out to them. There seems to be a special interest group for everything but LGBT engineers. It could just be my city, though. I’ll look into NOGLSTP! I hadn’t heard of it before today. Thanks!

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         • You’re welcome! My sense is that that org is geared more towards scientists in academia, but I’ll keep an eye out for anything that might be a good fit for you. It’s tough when you’re in such a small firm and everyone knows everyone and talks to each other. (I mean, I assume. The smallest company I worked for was 30 people, and that was definitely the case there.)

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           • Hahaha, that would be an accurate assumption. Everyone knows everyone else’s business, and feels like they have the right to discuss it. I don’t mind talking about superficial things, but I stay away from personal conversations with them. They don’t need to know everything about me, you know?

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103. Hi again, Autostraddle! I forgot to say thank you before. I found this community just under two years ago and even though I am mostly a lurker, I can’t tell you how much it means to me that this website/community exists. It also means a lot that I can pop my head in here for advice, even though I’m not a regular commenter, and feel really welcomed. Thanks for making this happen and taking the time to answer our questions and give advice today, and thanks for everything you all do every day! Happy birthday!

     You guys were so helpful and wonderful earlier. I have a couple more (quick, I hope) questions!

     @heatherannehogan, what got you started reading fanfiction? I’ve been in fandom for over ten years now and it’s both a little bizarre (for me) and really awesome to have someone recommending femslash on AS! Also, which Harry Potter book is your favorite?

     @ anyone who knows about femme fatshion, what are your favorite places for plus-size dresses/office clothes on a budget? I’ve gained a lot of weight over the past couple of years and my wardrobe is almost entirely t-shirts, jeans and hoodies. I’m very low-maintenance, so it’s been working all right for me, but I’m also getting kind of sick of wearing the same thing all the time (and it’s not helpful in looking for a job!). I’m trying to get a sense of what other styles might work for my body, but I’m also poor and have no idea where to begin to look. I know this is something I could potentially google, but what I’m really looking for are individual perspectives.

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     • for the femme fatshion question: I get most of my clothes from Asos and Modcloth (both of which are linked to on the affiliates page. Asos often has clothes on that have huge discounts and they have free shipping both ways, so after you try the clothes on, you can always return them if you need to. Modcloth can be a little more expensive, but they often have good sales.

       Also, I do get some stuff from thrift stores, there’s not always a great selection, but I have found some sweet stuff.

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       • Thanks, Mey! I’ve been on the Modcloth website before, but I can’t figure out what size I’d be – my measurements don’t really make sense with the ones on the website. I’ll figure it out. I’ve never heard of Asos and will definitely look into that!

         I love thrift stores. It’s always harder to find good plus-sizes there, though.

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         • The measurements discrepancy thing on Modcloth is 100% to be expected for all sizes; it’s been my experience and that of others I know. It’s irritating to have to tinker with sizing guesses, but you can always take advantage of their chat reps if you’re on the fence about a certain garment. I also like to peruse the reviews for gals w/ similar measurements to my own to help inform my decisions there.

           Also very fashionable femme Nicolette Mason is pretty excited about Target’s new Ava & Viv Plus Size line, and if I’m not mistaken there are pieces in actual stores to shop now, with much more coming for spring/summer:

           http://www.nicolettemason.com/2015/01/targets-new-plus-size-line-ava-viv.html

           Hope that helps!

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           • Thank you! That’s actually really helpful. I’m glad to know my body isn’t just strangely shaped or something.

             That new Target line sounds exciting! I have a gift card there, too, so that’s perfect. :)

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           • Oh yeah, the measurements on modcloth are all over the place. That’s another good thing about them having free returns and exchanges on a lot of items.

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     • I actually got into fan fiction because I was reading a The L Word forum on Television Without Pity back in like 2004. It was after that season one episode where Bette had sex with the wall in prison. And people were all like, “Blah, whatever, Helen and Nikki from Bad Girls forever!” So I clicked over to this other forum and it was about the UK soap Bad Girls, which was a really great show and not salacious like the name makes you think. The lesbian couple from seasons 1-3 were Helen and Nikki, and someone had linked to all this fan fiction about them. I clicked through to find like five really well written, novel-length fics about Helen and Nikki. And after that, I was just hooked!

       My favorite Harry Potter book is Goblet of Fire! How about you?

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       • Oh, cool! I may have to go check out Bad Girls now. I got into fanfiction through The OC, for some reason. I was an avid Ryan/Seth shipper back in the day, though the first story I wrote was Summer/Marissa. (I didn’t realize at the time that slash, femslash and het were considered such different creatures, or that femslash was so rare. I’ve always just read any pairings that seemed interesting to me.)

         Mine is Order of the Phoenix, which seems to be a very unpopular choice.

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         • Order of the Phoenix is my second favorite! Very close to Goblet!

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           • Wait, Heather, I desperately need you to elaborate on why GoF is your favorite. It is squarely in my bottom two (with Chamber of Secrets), and I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say they loved GoF best! I just wanna know why. Half Blood Prince is my fave, FTR.

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104. @LITTLEREDTAROT Could you draw my tarot? with regards to anything at all.

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     • @littleredtarot was only available until 2 p.m. EST. sorry :( If I knew tarot I would totally do something but I don’t. Can I interest you in a cat gif?

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105. woop happy birthday!!

     my question is for anyone who reads/read modern farmer the pretentious yet also interesting/cutely front-covered magazine. (@riese? from memory?) how do you feel about their recent upheaval, investor issues and general future direction? did you cancel your subscription?

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     • hello @mon! well, i never had a subscription, i just bought it off the newsstand, and there hasn’t been a new issue since all that shit went down. to be honest i was surprised — and then not surprised — to find out that the people who made the magazine weren’t actual farmers but just farm appreciants? i come from a family of actual farmers and my girlfriend is a farmer and she loved the magazine! somehow knowing that it wasn’t actual farmers behind it made me slightly less heartbroken when it started having problems. but still heartbroken ’cause i really love it. but it sounds like they’re going through what a lot of start-ups go through, a split vision between the editorial staff and the investment firm financing it. (this feels meta) it makes me sad (but not surprised) that despite its popularity and goodness, the magazine couldn’t survive. whether or not i keep buying or reading will depend on whether or not it’s still good, ultimately. i’d be really sad if i were the founder, though. i mean you birth a vision into the world… it’s a part of you. i feel sad for her.

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       • ok I’m glad to hear you guys really liked it! i am not a farmer but would consider myself farm-adjacent (i went to an agricultural high school in a metropolitan area) and was surprised by how product-placementy it was, but maybe that’s just what magazines are like. apart from that though i liked the vision and feel. I could only read via subscription and have cancelled it for now, I feel like I’d rather support the founder in whatever she does next rather than the investor.

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         • yeah i think all magazines are product-placementy. i didn’t notice it being especially so, but i think that product placement does tend to feel more awkward in the context of an industry that has existed since before products existed, than it does for like, fashion and beauty stuff, the context we’re used to.

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106. Happiest of birthdays, Autostraddle! This website is one of my favorite online hangouts, and a serious abettor of procrastination.

     So, here’s my situation: I went through a challenging (but exciting!) period of coming out to myself and a few others about 3 years ago, when I was 23 and just home from a year of volunteering abroad. At first, I was convinced I was a lesbian, but the process was fraught with ambivalence as well as recognition and excitement, and I was going through major life changes, such as starting a PhD program across the country and long-distance open-relationship-dating an ex-boyfriend from college who was very fun and sweet but also (understandably) wary about my dating girls. Eventually I broke up with him, and I resolved to myself that I would stop angsting about labels and be attracted to whomever I was attracted to. Then I went abroad to do research for the summer, and started hanging out with my current boyfriend, who does research in the same country I do and is studying at my university. We clicked, I found him attractive, and after the end of the summer, we started dating. I said to myself, ”I must be bi.” I later found out that he is bi too. Great, right? We can talk about queer stuff, share our fantasies about men and women, etc. He’s funny, smart, and fun, and definitely my best friend.

     But the problem is that, after being together for a year and a half, I find myself thinking a lot about women and wishing I could date women. I identify as decidedly queer, but feel invisible. One of my female friends just came out and started dating women, and of course I’m totally excited for her, but I’m also really envious. I’ve confided in my boyfriend that my identification as bisexual has been feeling more fraught than usual, and he’s been wonderfully kind and supportive. But I worry that I’m missing out, that I would be happier if I dated women. Am I fooling myself? Am I just reaching the point in my relationship where I’m naturally a little more ”bored” and thus find my mind wandering to other people? Also, since I’m getting ready to leave for a year of fieldwork abroad, what should I tell my boyfriend before I go?

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     • hello anon! i hope you are having a great day and that you get offered a free sandwich this week.

       i relate to your question so strongly, and have had experiences that are so similar! for real i am getting some very strong deja vu. this does not, of course, mean that the choices i made in that situation are the right choices for you, and i don’t want to imply that! lalala.

       i think one thing i want to suggest is to try to think about this in a way that takes bisexuality out of the equation for one second — not because your identity isn’t important or that it doesn’t have anything to do with this situation, but because our internalized stuff and our fears around it — am i “greedy,” am i unable to “choose” between genders, does this mean i’m really gay/straight, etc — can affect our judgment. if a lesbian or straight friend came to you and said “my girlfriend/boyfriend is great, but i’m finding myself REALLY aware of other women/men, and i keep thinking about dating other people,” what would you tell them? what would that signal to you about their relationship?

       my instinct about this is that people are attracted to people besides the person they’re dating all the time — all the time! people who have been married for 50 years still are. but a lot of the time, our attraction or interest in other people is fleeting and doesn’t really affect our own feelings about our current relationship. because that’s not the experience you’re having — because you are instead thinking “maybe i should be in a different relationship than the one i’m in” — my gut tells me that some part of your heart/brain is telling you that yeah, maybe you should be in a different relationship than the one you’re in. that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re destined to end up with a woman — although maybe it does, also! — but i do think it means that this might be a time for you to follow your arrow and that your arrow might not for the time being be pointed at your boyfriend, and that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that there’s anything wrong.

       ultimately, you are the only person who really knows what the right move is. i suggest a lot of journaling about it, and maybe talking through it with friends or other supportive people in your life if you can. good luck anon! <3

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107. Happy birthday Autostraddle! I’m very glad you started up!!

     My question (to anyone non white!) -racist comments affect me really badly. I can argue back, I can say something, and sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes the comment is in relation to my background, sometimes it’s in relation to another group, but nonetheless it really hurts me deeply. Sometimes the comment is by white people, sometimes not. It hurts me deeply in the sense that it sets off my depression very badly and can send me into a spiral of days of wanting to not be alive. I don’t know how to deal? It’s easier dealing with homophobic shit in a weird way, because I know there’s people who’ll listen to me rant, other queer people who’ll be like yeah that’s shit! I feel supported. The problem is half the time, the hardest thing about these racist comments is that they come from other queer people.

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     • Are you on Facebook? Please join the Speakeasy! Like, immediately. Seriously, go right now, do not wait! And read our Speakeasy posts, and know that we love you and understand completely. Link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/283085755193102/

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       • I’m a weirdo who is not on facebook! :-) I just clicked the link and it looks like it’s only available to Facebook members!

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     • Oh, oh, oh! I can relate to this, but I’m the type that’ll get angry and say nasty things. When 9/11 happened I was old enough to comprehend, but not old enough to be heard. Then I moved to the Middle East and couldn’t speak Arabic, and spent even more time silently seething with all this anger at the bigoted shit that comes out people’s mouths. Yelling helps so much emotionally, I’m sure you might notice, but it doesn’t help. I think the more I spend thinking about how underprivileged I am the more I get pissed.

       Anyway, bigoted queers break my heart. I had a gay cis white man say we should just line all the Arabs and shoot them already, what good are they doing us, anyway? I don’t have depression, and I thank my lucky stars, but I think I might understand how a comment like that could hurt you so bad. I was reading Fried Greet Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe and one of the characters was suffering depression. She began fantasising about being a vigilante and single-handedly bombing the Middle East to stop another world war. This was a queer book, and up until that sentence I would have loved it to bits. I can’t even look at the book without questioning the author’s idea of equality.

       What pisses me off is queer people of colour being racist. I mean, what the fuck? I have PoC yell nasty things at me, especially when some terrorists make the news. Some of these people can’t speak English, but yell at me to go back to where I came from because they’re so much more Aussie than I.

       I honestly don’t have advice other than pent up anger. The best I have for it is hanging around other multi-racial people and listening to comedy by PoC to make me laugh and look at my situation in a funny way.

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     • Firefly,

       I feel you I feel you! There is a hell LOT of racism (and classism too) in the (mainstream) LGBTQ community. I also get emotionally and physically affected by racist comments, that is how scary racism it, it is bad for our health! Personally, most of friends are Queer, Trans* People of Color (QTPOC), this does not mean that they are a perfect bunch since we are all working on our shit but it really helps to hang out with folx that share similar intersections. Folx that you do not have to explain what it means to be a QT person AND also a person of color AND all the intersections that come with it. Seriously, you should not have to feel like shit with your friends. If talking to them is too time and energy consuming you can always encourage a white ally to talk to them and let them know what’s up. If folx still don’t get it and continue being racist assholes, you might want to consider getting new friends that embrace all that who you are, respect you AND also think about their white privilege as a oppressive system that must be destroyed and actively do work to destroy it! Where do you live? Are there QTPOC folx around that you can talk to and hang out with?

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     • I think ranting is a perfectly good coping mechanism! I feel especially frustrated when I see racism in queer feminist spaces, because I generally expect *better* from people I consider a part of my community.

       Aja recommended it below, but the Speakeasy group has been a really great, supportive space for POC dealing with exactly this issue. There are some conversations that just don’t ever get to happen with a white audience watching. So my advice is to seek out a POC-only group or two, where you know you’ll be able to find support. (Maybe you could join FB just for The Speakeasy, and have an otherwise private/locked-down/inactive account? You only have to do setup once and then it will email you when people post!)

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     • Hi @Firefly! Let me first say, it sucks that you have to endure these kinds of comments- believe me, I know. It seems that the further we seem to be getting away from racism, the closer we get to it. It’s like, getting close to a fire while trying to put it out! And watching the news and social media everyday can become depressing in itself because you see yet another racist crime, act, injustice happening right before you. It can be sickening.
       You mentioned it being easier to cope with queer remarks rather than racist remarks… I believe part of that may come from the fact that being queer is not always quite as apparent as our race may be. Racist comments may hurt more because we wear our skin daily and it’s one of the first physical attributes people use to identify us- this is probably why you go through days of not wanting to live because, well, you can’t take your skin off.
       I had a situation in middle school where a racist remark was made by someone I called “friend”. It hurt me, bad. The hardest thing for was feeling like I could not talk to anyone, white or non-white… I felt like the butt of the joke for everyone. It eventually came down to me realizing that keeping that hurt and anger to myself was getting me no where but more hurt and angry. I finally opened myself up to being friends with non-white people who felt comfortable with me. It was a daily process of affirming myself that I was worthy and looking up to different celebrities and people in my community who were non-white and inspirational.
       Do you have any non-white friends? Have you been able to confide in any of them at all? Feeling supported and affirmed is very important.

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       • Thank you so much, I just feel a little overwhelmed by all your support and helpful words so I’m not going to say much -but thank you, and I see the importance of having people I can talk to about this, and get support from on the regular is important, and I’ll look into trying to create that.

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108. Happy B-Day Autostraddle!

     So I finally got on Pottermore (better late than never I guess) and I couldn’t wait to see what house I’d get sorted in. I expected to get sorted into Hufflepuff or possibly Ravenclaw. Turns out I’m a Slytherin! Harry Potter didn’t have a lot of good guy Slytherin characters and I was wondering if anyone had any characters they headcannon as being Slytherin.

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     • I feel like half of my favorite fictional characters are Slytherins. Mellie Grant from Scandal is like the queen of Slytherins. Quinn Fabrey, Jordan McDeere from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, Moriarty from Elementary, Daenerys and Margaery from Game of Thrones,Annalise Keating, Laurel Castillo and Michaela Pratt from How to Get Away With Murder, Louise from Bob’s Burgers. Now, I’m a Gryffindor, but Slytherin is my second favorite house.

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     • Oh, all the Marauders could easily have been Slytherin. James and Sirius especially. Percy, Fred and George. People like to act like Slytherin and Gryffindor or so different, but really there’s such a thin line between those two houses!

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       • Mey I totally agree with all those characters being Slytherin. May I also add Spencer Hasting (or really any Hasting tbh) to the characters who totally belong in Slytherin.

         Heather I agree that the line between Gryffindor and Slytherin is a lot finer that most people typically think.

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         • Oh, all Hastingses are Slytherins for sure!

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109. Happy goddamn birthday, Autostraddle, you guys are amazing and have improved my quality of life huge-time. I’ve been on the site for almost the full 6 years and a member since you introduced that option. And an A+ member since you introduced THAT option! I run Autostraddle’s NZ Facebook page and I’ve held meetups, brunches, drinks n’ stuff in Auckland and Wellington over the past couple years.

     I am getting MARRIED next year & therefore have many pressing wedding questions but I will spare you most of them, since it’ll all take far too long to describe (and I am super conscious of being one of *those* brides who presume that just because someone is making eye contact they want to know every last detail of her upcoming Big Day)

     Anyway, I’m probably what you would call tomboy-femme, leaning more towards femme (especially on my wedding day). I wear dresses and skirts to work, with flats and sandals. The dress vibe I’m looking for is something in the realm of this:

     

     My question, finally, is WHAT THE HECK SHOES DO I WEAR? It’s a daytime, summer-picnic type vibe, but the grounds have pumice chips so I’m super not keen for an open-toe sandal type situation. Flats could be cute, but that might make the whole thing a little bit too-too femmey. Little brogues? Those small white converse or keds or vans (too casual?) Or, like, something with a bit of gold in it, or something? A colour? Bear in mind that I am tiny and completely unable to wear heels. My fiancee is also femmey and will likely wear fancy flats, so I don’t want to stray too far casual, but I also want to show my personality and not feel too like a chapstick girl in lipstick clothes, y’know?

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     • Aw c’mon. HERE is the dress idea: https://img1.etsystatic.com/020/1/5187374/il_570xN.479050023_cllp.jpg

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       • OK OK OK, that dress is really gorgeous and would pair so so nicely with Cons, I think. But only Cons, not Keds or Vans (the former looks very intentional, the latter I’m afraid would come off like, “Oops, forgot my actual shoes, made it work” you know?).

         Plus you could customize your Cons for the wedding with something cute and dreamy, which is adorable. Otherwise, brogues for sure. I think Sam Edelman and Steve Madden have been consistently making white/gold kicks like that for a few seasons now, I will try and hunt around and give you a few examples (some are way too pricey but just for inspiration – and surely there’s time to dig up an awesome deal or find a promo code to knock off a big chunk of change if you fall in love).

         http://www.6pm.com/bass-terri-gold-natural-metallic-canvas
         http://www.6pm.com/cole-haan-lunargrand-wing-tip-champagne-snake-embossed
         http://www.6pm.com/vivienne-westwood-wv0025-cracked-gold
         http://www.6pm.com/stuart-weitzman-for-the-cool-people-inspector-copper-cracked-kid

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     • Holy moly please fix yr image so I can see so we can give you excellent suggestions! HURRY! So exciting! Congrats!

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       • I FIXED IT

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         • You incredible human, you!

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     • WHAT A PERFECT DRESS.

       seemsforever i just wanted to thank you for being here with us for SIX WHOLE YEARS and for everything you’re doing in NZ. you’re a wizard and we love you.

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110. Happy birthday! May you be here with us, dear Autostraddle, forever.

     Do you have some “tips & ticks” how one can became LGBT activist/advocate?
     I am not very happy about how it looks in my country, I think we can make better, but I do not see people who I think that they represent me and are able to make it better. Every argument in media gets very quickly ugly with flying shit around and insults with only religious arguments and mental illness refrences. I miss constructive debate with facts. (I am aware that it will still happen but with some constructive input something might shift the other/better direciton or am I just naive?)
     I do not see myself as activist (I am not even out) but I would like to educate myself for widening my knowledge and maybe later I would feel more courageous to go outside and try to change things. So beside many information available here on AS, what do you suggest? Where/with what should I start? Is there something like online course which I could take? Thank you.

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     • What if you poked around your existing network to ID and reach out to folks who would be interested in a monthly LGBTQ advocate group or salon of sorts? You could just take over a corner at a cafe or wine bar or park for an hour or two and rotate a lead to choose a topic to read up on and discuss amongst yourselves? I think that would be an amazing way to create a fun, new, empowered community right in your own backyard. It’s the sort of thing that could easily start small and lovely, with just a handful of people, and grow through word-of-mouth and friends of friends to something really incredible!

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     • I don’t know that there is an online course per se (and I’m not sure where you’re from, but I wonder if it’s too dangerous to start a private club). There are some great conversations happening on Twitter and Tumblr, though be warned that they’re often US-centric and a little clueless about what happens outside the US. Follow a bunch of people and see where they take you!

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111. @kristinnoeline can you know how to hula hoop? tell me

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     • i can know and i will know and i do know i tell you

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112. Happy birthday, AS! This place/all of you are the ABSOLUTE BEST and have been instrumental in my process of coming out to myself and others. So before I ask a question THANK YOU AUTOSTRADDLE and THANK YOU also to @danniellor and @kristinnoeline because Everyone is Gay made me realize that I am so, so gay. So gay. Thank you <3

     ANYWAYS. I have a few questions for whoever is willing!

     1. One of the main reasons I'm not out to my mom is because she is hella Catholic, and I cannot get a read on her on whether she's down with the gay thing or not. My instincts say everything will be fine, but our relationship is complicated. She's threatened to disown me/cut me off for far less monumental things, and I want to keep our relationship as intact as possible. I want to come out to her soon because if I don't she's gonna find out through Facebook/ someone else and she will DEFINITELY be upset then. I guess what I'm asking is how do I defend my sexuality to her when she's got some serious theology on her side without being dismissive of her faith?

     2. Depression is annoying af and I am currently in that place where I can function and get my shit done *high fives self* but when it comes to free time I find just as much enjoyment in staring at a wall as I do watching Netflix, listing to music, reading, etc, etc. Does anyone have any tips on how to get excited about little things again?

     3. I'm graduating from college next spring and I have absolutely no career plans/aspirations, and this is both terrifying and beautiful. On the one hand, I'm not pining over a particular job or grad school or internship, but on the other hand I have no direction, and that is a little frightening. I know that it's totally awesome to not have stuff figured out in your early 20s, but I don't know how I'm going to figure out what I want to do if I didn't figure it out at school. Anyone have any advice/ a story of how they came to find the thing that they love?

     Thank you all for everything, you glorious humans.

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     • 1. Regarding your Catholic mom, there are a few ways you can go about it. The first way is to point out that the bible doesn’t actually say anything about being gay being a sin. (it actually doesn’t even say that premarital sex is a sin, the word “porneia” is often translated as “fornication” and that’s where we get the idea that it’s in there, but that’s not a perfect translation and it’s also been translated as very vague things like “sexual immorality” [which is probably most accurate] and “whoredom.”) There was no word for homosexuality when the bible was written, or even really the concept of homosexuality as an identity, so whenever it’s mentioned, it’s really just words that mean like, “temple prostitution” or (again) “sexual immorality.” Sue Sylverster/Heather Hogan does a nice breakdown of that in Glee Recap.

       The other way to approach it is from the direction of God being Love. I’ve written about coming out as a christian a couple times (these are mainly about dealing with protestants, but I’m a Catholic) and Audrey has too. Just remind her that the Bible says that you’re wonderfully and fearfully made and that God handcrafted you to be the way you are, and so you’re trying to be the best you that you can. And a part of that is being gay. Also, the main message of the bible is love and acceptance, I mean, the second greatest commandment, according to Jesus, is Love your neighbor as yourself.

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113. For anyone: How to not be lonely all the time?

     Background: I am back in my home city for graduate school but I am coming to the conclusion that unlike in undergrad, my classmates are not going to be my firends. Most of them are fine to work with just… not much beyond that. So given that I am neither athletic nor religeous (two of the main activities in this state) and my interests (books! TV! cooking! babysitting small children!) don’t always lend themselves to meeting other adult humans, I find myself spending excessive amounts of time alone. To top it all off, I’m headed into a period in school where my schedule is going to be very unpredictable, so I can’t reasonably commit to scheduled commitments (aka most volunteer shifts).

     Any ideas?

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     • hi uintah! i hope this doesn’t come off as flippant, but maybe it would be best to look at this time of your life as a temporary situation, in which your schedule is wild and unpredictable and therefore just not conducive to making lots of new friends, and sort of take it on as a weird little challenge of sorts. like, what new things about yourself can you learn? what new things about the world can you experience during this time? what i mean is, make friends with yourself! and then the best law of the universe will swing into action, and that law states that as soon as you start prioritizing yourself over everyone else, really cool people start showing up in your life.

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114. Does anyone have any good Harry Potter-themed puns for naming alcoholic beverages? Obvi I’ve made butterbeer and polyjuice potion and felix felicis and I did a Chinese Fireball except I really hate fireball so that one kind of bummed me out. I’m trying to go a little less literal with something like Expecto Patrón-um but I feel like that would just be an overpriced tequila shot. Any suggestions?

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     • These are straight from my own notebook! I have like ten more but am out of time for typing them out. Can I get them to you later?

       Amortentia

       2 shots vodka
       1 shot fresh lemon juice
       1 shot wildflower honey
       8 fresh blackberries
       2 slices of lemon
       Seltzer

       Lemon juice, honey and four blackberries into the shaker. Muddle it up! Add vodka and ice and shake-shake-shake it. Strain that onto a giant ice cube, top with seltzer, garnish with lemon and the remaining blackberries.

       Hair of the Three-Headed Dog

       Make a salt, black pepper, cayenne pepper rim by running a lime along the edge of a pint glass and rubbing the glass in the mixture. Add:

       5 oz Fresh lime juice
       2 drops Tabasco Sauce
       2 dashes Worcestershire sauce
       1 pinch Ground black pepper
       1 pinch Celery salt
       1 cold Mexican lager

       Stir and serve!

       Wolfsbane Potion

       1 1/2 shots rum
       wedge of lime
       ice
       3 shots ginger beer

       Muddle the lime wedge, add the rum, shake-shake-shake it with the ice. Strain over a giant ice cube and add the ginger beer.

       (Yes, it’s a Dark and Stormy, but that’s fitting, right? #WhompingWillow)

       Phoenix Tears

       1 1/2 shots tequila
       1 1/2 shots Blue Curacao liqueur
       1 shot grenadine syrup
       5 shots orange juice

       Add ice to a glass and add the ingredients and then stir them gently. Don’t shake them or the drink will turn brown. If you stir them gently, the drink will be phoenix colored!

       The Goblet of Fire

       Get yourself a 2oz. shot glass. And then:

       1/3 shot Kahlua
       1/3 shot Bailey’s Irish Cream
       1/3 shot Tequila (white)
       1 dash cinnamon

       Carefully layer the shot: Kahlua on the bottom; Bailey’s in the middle; tequila on top. Light the tequila on fire and sprinkle with cinnamon to create sparks! It tastes like pumpkin pie which is appropriate on account of the Goblet spit out the names at the Halloween feast!

       Venomous Tentacula Juice

       2 shots tequila
       1 shot Mezcal
       1 shot Cointreau
       1 shot lime juice
       4 slices of fresh jalapeno
       2 slices of lime

       Combine all the liquid and two of the fresh jalapeno slices in a shaker. (Test the hotness level. You want it to have a venomous kick but we’re not looking for Aragog levels of murder here.) Add ice and shake for 15 seconds. Hardcore shake. Strain it into a chilled glass over a large ice cube and garnish with the lime slices and the remaining jalapeno slices.

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       • HOLY SHIT THIS IS AMAZEBALLS!!! @heatherannehogan

         PS you guys the lady on the radio totes said the word ‘amazeballs’ this morning.

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       • Holy Hippogriffs, this is FANTASTIC and absolutely above and beyond anything I was expecting. Thank you so much! This absolutely warrants an Order of Merlin, First Class.

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115. To anyone/everyone:

     How do you deal with a partner who is having a difficult time with grief/shame/an abusive past/insecurity all rolled into one hard-to-handle burrito?

     I <3 my primary partner, but they are having trouble coping with the death of their father (he died two years ago, they weren't on talking terms before his death, my partner feels a lot of guilt and anger about this/he was also compliant in the abuse my partner suffered as a kid. so much fucked up shit). My partner recently had a falling out with their main friend group which is also piling up into a lot of anxiety and loneliness for them. They are weepy all the time, feel ashamed and guilty for weeping (although I have told them multiple times this does not bother me). The anniversary of their dad's death is next month and they are already panicking and stressing out.

     What do I do? There is SO SO much piled up here. I cannot be their only supporter in this, it's already too heavy for me. I've encouraged them to seek grief counseling but no moves (mostly because they think insurance wont cover it) have been made. How can I support them if I am their only support?

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     • are they relying on you to be their only support, or is that a responsibility you have assigned to yourself?

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     • hi anna! when i read your question, my most urgent response was that you needed to give this person a little ultimatum — nothing awful or mean, but for everyone’s sanity just a little HEY, I NEED YOU TO HELP ME HELP YOU. I NEED YOU TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND SEEK COUNSELING kinda thing. because no, you can’t be their only supporter in this. and counseling isn’t just about having someone to talk to, it’s about learning coping mechanisms that work for you, which is huge and absolutely necessary if you plan on living a half-decent life after someone close to you has died. they need to learn how to take care of themselves.

       but then i felt like an asshole for thinking that! because i’ve been that weepy person and i’ve sobbed in bathroom floors for HOURS and i’ve refused to call a therapist and i’ve apologized and panicked and flailed and fucked up, and i’ve had someone tell me that they felt it was probably time to get my shit together re: my dead dad, and i never forgave that person (it had been like two weeks since his death so i felt that was a little premature on her part, BUT I DIGRESS). so in that vein, i’d say your very last option here is to get their insurance info and do the research and make the calls for them. set them up for this success. get a list of people who take their insurance and are highly recommended. make a list of coping mechanisms for them to try that you’ve found online or in books. get them some books! force them to go outside and scream up at the sky until their throat feels like it’ll bleed and then hold them so tight you might crack their little ribs.

       and then if they can’t pick up that battle, you’ve really honestly done everything you could do.

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     • Yes yes yes, you can only support them so long as a) you know what they need from you and b) if you can provide them what they need from you. This is SUCH a hard situation, and I have been in the positions of both you and your partner at different times. You owe it to yourself to be clear about what kind of support you’re capable of providing them, and you also owe it to them, because if you aren’t ok, then you won’t be able to help them.

       I also think it’s really important to answer Riese’s question, even if it’s just for yourself and not here in the comments. Because if the answer is that it IS a responsibility you have assigned for yourself, then you need to take a huge step back. You can’t fix them or make them fix themselves, even if you want to because you desperately love them and want to see them better. It might tear your heart out, but it’s just true. <3 <3 <3

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     • sometimes therapy is too scary but a support group is doable? being with a group of ppl that share abuse history can help alleviate some of the fear of judgement or scrutiny or lack of understanding that ppl might anticipate from gong to a therapist or counselor, esp for those of us that can’t afford top-notch counseling. free support groups can be found through school counselors.

       does it seem like their emotions are part of a process of sorting things out a little? learning to cope with an abuse history can sometimes take a LONG TIME to go thru the stages of processing (many years), and as Andrea Gibson said, some people’s survival looks like death to others. So it could be that they seem like they’re really struggling and needlessly suffering, but they’re actually doing the important work of facing those feelings and you’re seeing part of a natural healing process, difficult as it is to witness. So, maybe a question to both of you would be if the current process is a good one, or if one or both of you want to discuss changes, and why / what goals would be for those changes.

       as to feeling bad about being weepy all the time, maybe it would make them feel less self-conscious about it if you two had a set schedule that included time apart each day / week? even if you don’t mind them weeping, it might do both of you some good to have time apart so you can get your own support in this difficult time, and they can bawl unselfconsciously if they want.

       it sounds really stressful. know that just being there and acknowledging their experience (without neglecting your own) does them a world of good, being in that space with them. i feel like taking the long view for expecting improvement, and just taking it one day at a time and one issue at a time in the short term, it will hopefully become clear to you both what practical measures might need to be taken to help navigate the ups and downs. best to you both.

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116. As a queer lady writer who has written and gotten published a bit on some other sites, but has never gotten a reply from my Autostraddle submissions what is the best approach?
     These are what I have come up with ranked in order of best to worst:

     1) Follow up submissions with weekly emails for up to three weeks.
     2) Date a famous queer lady, ideally help Taylor Swift discover she is a queer lady (This would be numb one, but I need logistical help)
     3) Become a famous queer lady (see addendum to number two)
     4) Pull off an elaborate ruse and fake rescue one of the Autostraddle editor’s cat/dog/spouse/child
     5) Actually watch the L Word (I saw the pilot, do I really have to keep going??)
     6) Other?

     Feel free to answer with just a number and/or constructive advice. Thanks!

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     • definitely not “2,” because we don’t really care who you’re dating unless you are pitching an interview with your new girlfriend taylor swift, in which case we’d accept it immediately. you need not put yourself through “5,” either. doing “1” is totally fine because we do get swamped and sometimes reminders help! “3” would be cool but i don’t know how one does that these days. date taylor swift, maybe?

       is there any way you could tell me a little more about the kind of stuff you’ve submitted, or something that’d help us give you better general feedback? we looked up your email in our submissions but didn’t find anything so it might be a different email. you could send them to laneia directly also!

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       • I did submit under a different email, [email protected]
         I submitted two pieces, “A Bisexual’s 14 Step Guide to Being Celibate and Alone Forever” and “The Internet Helped Me Come Out But Also Made Me Terrified of Lesbians”.
         After a bit, where I didn’t hear back from you beautiful, extremely busy people I ended up publishing both of them on Queereka, but I’d love any advice for how to make my next submission a better fit for Autostraddle because you guys are the bees knees!
         I’ll keep working on getting TayTay to do an Autostraddle interview where she admits her undying love me.
         ALSO HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUTOSTRADDLE

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         • okay! I think basically when we look at personal essays, we ask… is this a writer-centered text, or a reader-centered text? sometimes we have stories to tell about our lives and feelings we’ve experienced that we know other people can relate to, and we have a desire to put them out into the world and discuss them with other people. and sometimes these things are very well-written by very good writers, but they’re still very much a recounting of a relatively common experience from one person’s perspective. so what we look for is a story that is entirely unique — that could only be told by that one person — or if it isn’t, that addresses a larger point in a larger way, with a thesis, an organized list of points, outside perspective, and that is is saying something BRAND NEW that has never been said before. does that help?

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117. So I am in my mid-20’s living with my parents temporarily until I move abroad this summer. For the most part it’s great- I get along well with my parents, they’re totally accepting (my mom even set me up with the Autostraddle group in my area without realizing I’d already been to A-Camp) and they love my girlfriend. However… my dad is so annoyingly conservative Republican and it’s driving me nuts. Like Fox News and Rush Limbaugh 24/7. And constantly sharing such things on Facebook and Twitter with provocative comments. Nobody really responds to them – my mom says that he’s forced most of his friends that disagree with him to unfriend him by engaging them in dumb political facebook arguments. I recently took the step to unfollow him on Facebook and twitter, which has helped, but I wonder if anyone has advice on reconciling a close family member who is wonderful on a personal level (always asking how my girlfriend is, doing anything to support me) but is totally indoctrinated in all that bullshit. I’ve tried explaining why I find it offensive, but I just ended up getting upset and it didn’t really change anything…

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     • HELLO CW. that’s so adorable about your mom! god your mom sounds great. i’m sure your dad is great too in many ways. i have a dad also who is also an unbearable republican! i don’t have a situation identical to yours because tbh my dad is not wonderful on a personal level, but maybe the ways in which we can deal with their terrible politics are the same.

       here’s the thing: facebook arguments and explaining why it’s offensive isn’t going to work. i’m sorry! this is like the old lightbulb/horse to water joke — ultimately, your dad’s behavior seems like it’s more expansive than just a lack of knowledge. if it were one thing upon which he were clearly uninformed, like not understanding the difference between being butch and being trans, that would be one thing. but this seems like it’s happening all over the map, on all kinds of issues with all kinds of people, and losing friendships hasn’t motivated your dad to rethink any of this. to be honest, based on what you’ve described here, your dad has no interest in reassessing his views, and it doesn’t sound like he will try to do so anytime soon.

       so where does this leave you? well, what i think is that you have to set specific boundaries about your dad’s behavior with you personally, and try your best to let go of his behavior outside of you. next time he says something fucked up around you, tell him to stop in simple, no-nonsense terms: “I need you to not bring that up around me, Dad, because I know you care about my feelings.” even if your dad doesn’t agree with you politically, he does care about you personally, and hopefully this will be enough. If he argues about this or tries to push back, you just keep repeating variations on that same phrase. “Okay, I know you feel that way, but I still need you to not talk about it around me.” If he persists, walk away and make it clear that the conversation is over. If this doesn’t have a longterm effect and this STILL keeps happening, then you can introduce actual consequences: “Dad, if you keep bringing this up even though I’ve asked you many times not to, I’m not going to eat dinner with you at the table anymore.” And you have to actually follow through.

       i know this doesn’t necessarily sound fun, i’m sorry! but the truth is, i think, that 90% of the time we can’t change people, we can only change how we react to people and their actions. you’ve given your dad a lot of chances to change and he hasn’t, so it’s time to start changing your reactions to him. good luck and i hope your time at home is really positive!

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       • Thanks for your thoughtful reply, Rachel, and for all your hard work and dedication that’s made Autostraddle so wonderful! And hooray for the Unbearable Republican Dads Club! It’s nice to know I’m not alone in dealing with that.

         You’re 100% right that he’s not going to reconsider his views at this point, and I need to accept and deal with that better. Fortunately, my dad has learned to leave politics out of our conversations and it’s been a while since I’ve been subjected to Rush Limbaugh in his car (although the sports talk radio is only slightly more tolerable haha). I’ve never engaged with him online (I’m way too non-confrontational, plus it’s Facebook) but I’ve definitely let it get to me way too much. When I move far away I would like to be able to use social media to keep up with him – he posts a lot about my family in addition to the crazy GOP stuff – so hopefully I will be better able to ignore it by then. Or maybe I can use that plug-in that turns political keywords into kittens or whatever?? haha

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         • DOES THAT PLUGIN EXIST?? WHY DIDN’T I KNOW

           it sounds like you are doing a great job dealing with your dad and your relationship with him, keep up the good work! <3

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           • Apparently I wasn’t making it up but also it doesn’t seem to exist anymore :(

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           • It totally exists! it has the initials FBP (different websites are weird about linking it.)

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118. Happy birthday, Autostraddle! So glad you’re here! :-D

     I have a question! @internrachel might know the answer best since her expertise lists “career in creative writing,” but feedback from anyone would be greatly appreciated:

     I submitted a short story to a science fiction magazine in November, for a special issue that was open for submissions from the end of October through mid-February. The submission guidelines said that stories being seriously considered may be held until March 1, to enable the editors to consider everything before making a final decision. The magazine uses an online submissions manager so you can check the status, and my submission says “in progress” still. But March 1 has come and gone, obviously, and I have heard absolutely nothing.

     Is it considered professionally acceptable to send an email asking about the status of my submission? And if so, at what point do you think I should send that? Wait until mid-March, or longer? I don’t want to be pushy, but at the same time I have the niggling fear that there was a glitch in the system or something and I’ve been sitting here anxiously waiting when it turns out my submission got eaten entirely.

     Thank you for doing this advice day!

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     • Hi! I know you tagged Rachel for this, but I’m the Deputy Editor for The Inquisitive Eater at The New School and Co-Founder for qu.ee/r Magazine. I would say wait out the month—if it’s a small publication, likely everyone’s just super super busy. If it’s a larger journal or university publication, likely they have a reading board and meetings and therefore everything moves at the pace of the reading board/meetings. I’d also check their website and see if they have specific instructions.

       Hope this helps!

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       • Ali, thank you so much for your advice! This is so helpful! I had absolutely no clue how magazine publishing worked, so just having this knowledge is a great help. :-D Thanks!!

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     • hello lyssa!

       the short answer is yes, you are totally within your rights to query! often lit mags will give you a time frame, i.e. “we try to reply within three months, if you haven’t heard within six months, please contact us.” it might be worth double-checking to see if there’s some similar language; even though this is a special issue, it might apply. as long as your query is polite and respectful, just something like “Hello! I’m just writing to check on the status of my submission, [Title]. Thank you for your time and for considering my work!”, all will be well. it’s totally possible you won’t get a very helpful answer, it will probably be something like “Thanks for following up, we’ll get back to you as soon as we know an answer,” but nothing bad will happen.

       also just for context, even though they said march 1, mid-feb to mid-march really actually isn’t that much time for them to go through what is likely a lot of submissions! it’s super likely that they’re still reading them. i’d be surprised if there was any kind of glitch, especially since you can see it in the submission manager; it’s seems likely to me that they’re just still reading and comparing notes.

       good luck lyssa! <3

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       • Thank you, Rachel! I’ll be sure to check their website. And thank you for the context– I wasn’t sure how the process worked, so I was making a lot of guesses and second-guesses. So your advice is very helpful and reassuring! Thank you again <3 I'll keep my fingers crossed!

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119. Yay, I joined up today as an AS B-Day present!
     Happy Birthday AS!
     I too, am seeking advice, while you’re at it!
     Well, my problem, according to my family and friends main problem, is, that I’m single.
     And not just single, but perpetually single.
     Now, I live in the center of gay town and I have homo friends from all walks of life, but I’m just relationship resistant.I’m gladly anyone’s friend,though!
     The thing is, that I have been burned a lot and now am reluctant to jump back into the frying pan.
     After I broke off all contact with my last girlfriend, she sent me an email that ended with “It wasn’t easy for me to not tell you that I was cheating on you.”after fidelity and trust were major issues in our relationship.
     That just torched away everything good and trusting and tender I ever felt and made a door close inside of me to never be opened again.
     That was almost five years ago.
     Now,there’s been the one or other straight girl crush, which seems to be a sign I can feel again, but I wouldn’t be able to deal with anything reciprocated.
     I actually flee the dance floor in gay clubs once someone interesting seems actually interested, because that’s how terrified I am.
     I should end this here, but there’s something else figuring in:
     I don’t know how to not awkwardly mention the word abuse, so I’ll just awkwardly put it here,leave yourselves to imagine an adjective or three in front of it, and insinuate that my other major relationship, i.e. my first girlfriend, did not deal well, while I was working through my issues in therapy and wouldn’t put out.
     It took me some more therapy, which mainly consisted of ” Not everyone’s bad, give people a chance!” advice and I took it.
     But you know what?
     People are fucking assholes.
     Your best friend will not invite you to her wedding and breaks off all contact from one day to the other, because her gf of one year has jealousy issues, your crush will make out in front of you, after you told her,your clan of friends abandons you when you’re going through depression, after complimenting you on your weight loss, of course and the girl you could imagine yourself marrying one day is cheating on you with her former affair’s brother!
     I mean WTF!
     How am I ever going to be able to go on a date and let someone touch me again?
     Everyone just burns and burns.
     Of course I still have wonderful friends and a full life, but I’m beginning to say Goodbye to my imagined future of a family with a wife and kids and I find myself resigning from trying.
     If you have some great advice (and this still makes sense after editing), great, if not that’s totally ok, too.
     Take Care everyone and have a great party!

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     • first thanks for joining!

       secondly, not all people are assholes, that’s actually true.
       but some of the people in your life, it sounds like, are assholes
       assholes do asshole things
       maybe they’ll grow out of it some day
       maybe not
       regardless
       fuck those bitches

       that girl you could imagine yourself marrying one day?
       nope
       nope
       nope

       it’s easy to think they’re just a good person who did a bad thing
       like this bad thing is over [there]
       and them THE REAL THEM is over [here]
       but nope
       that’s them, too.

       “How am I ever going to be able to go on a date and let someone touch me again?”

       girl, life is the pits
       i mean sometimes life really is awful
       it’s traumatic and people you love lie to you
       cheat on you, hurt you
       SCAR you

       every relationship ends
       except the one you’re in when you die
       that’s why we all have to love like we’ve never ben hurt

       i think baggage is inevitable
       it’s part of life
       some is heavier than others
       getting burned is inevitable
       like chicken pox
       the kind that scars

       (i’ve said this before i think, somewhere)

       stop dreaming about girls who cheat
       dream about the wife and kids
       don’t waste time with liars and cheaters

       you’re not ruined
       you’re just alive

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     • People ARE fucking assholes (sometimes, but not always)! And burn and burn (sometimes, but not always)!

       So just hang out in the Dead Black Hearts Club for awhile. That’s cool. All it takes to become a member of the DBHC is 1) all your feels about how love and people are BULLSHIT and 2) other people who agree with you vehemently, and can back it up with horror stories to rival yours. It’s perfectly breezy and bitter in there, with people who all share a mutual hatred for heartless bastards who shouldn’t be able to sleep at night. Misery loves company, and sometimes it just plains needs it, because shit sucks. 100% A-OK.

       It is also a great excuse to buy a kickass leather jacket, because all DBHC members need a kickass leather (or faux vegan leather) jacket.

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       • this

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120. Happy Birthday, Autostraddle! If I could get away with it, I would make my kindergartners sing you happy birthday. It would be adorable.

     I am exhausted & going to take a nap, but I will be back later probably with questionssss!

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     • well that does indeed sound very adorable and i hope your nap was the bee’s knees

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121. @meyrude you are a stylish lady and I would love to know some of your low-budget femme tips. Also opening it up to anyone who knows how to rock a flawless tomboy femme look in a Midwestern spring/summer climate that is also affordable.

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     • Hi! Thank you so much! One tip that I definitely suggest is to regularly look for online sales. I check modcloth, asos and even amazon (where I’ve gotten things like hats, shoes and sweaters) for big sales. Plus, those places usually have free returns, so you don’t have to worry that something you buy online doesn’t look the way you thought it would. Also, definitely thrift stores for accessories and outerwear and layers. also just regular clothes, too, I guess. But I buy a lot of my jewelry from thrift stores and they look pretty great.

       Another good tip, I think, is to learn some simple sewing and crafting skills. We have like, a thousand crafty articles on here that can help you either make accessories or clothes or personalize the clothes that you do have. Have a plain t-shirt? Style it up. Want a pendant necklace? Or just a bunch of other ideas? Most of those are pretty cheap and look really great.

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122. Hey @DJUANTRENT and anyone else who has input:

     My girlfriend was raised is a very conservative town and also went to a christian school until college. So christianity is very important to her and the way things were taught/implied to her, being gay is a sin and she’s still in that mindset. Even though she is out to almost everyone in her life and pretty comfortable in her sexuality, it’s really tripping both of us up. Feeling like she’s sinning for who she is is very troubling to her. Though we’ll talk about it and I did go to church as a kid, I stopped being religious in high school and it’s hard for us to relate on this topic completely with our different religious backgrounds. She’s planning on going to her friend’s gay-friendly pastor for some guidance, but do you have any advice? More insight?
     Also she mentioned something this weekend about wanting to raise her (future) kids christian, which if we get married and have kids I would be fine with. But she seems a little unsure about marrying someone who is not religious, though we talked about it again and she told me “I would marry the shit out of you,” and seems to think talking to a pastor will help with this aspect too. Idk, thanks!

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     • @HEATHERANNEHOGAN also :)

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     • Hey, Abby! I think it’s wonderful that you’re being so supportive and understanding about your girlfriend’s Christian upbringing, and about her struggle to reconcile her faith with her sexuality. I honestly, truly, firmly believe that gay folks who think that being gay is a sin really only need some knowledge about two things:

       1. What the Bible actually says about being gay. (It doesn’t say it’s a sin.)

       2. Why being gay has become such a hot button issue in the church. (So politicians and church leaders can get votes and money and power.)

       I think seeing a gay-friendly counselor is an awesome step for your girlfriend. A really good step for you would be to read up on those two things above, and maybe you can talk to her about them sometime. So:

       What The Bible Really Says About The Gays:

       Any person can go scavenging through the Bible, plucking out verses willy-nilly to prove whatever point they want to prove. Over the years, conservative Christians and their political counterparts have used the Bible to justify slavery, segregation, outlawing interracial marriage, denying women the right to vote/own property/exist as anything other than the property of their husbands, corporal punishment for children, marital rape, and on and on and on, all the way back to jailing Galileo for having the audacity to suggest the sun (rather than the earth) is the center of the universe. So, when people Bible-bash gay people, it’s important to remember that they did the same thing (literally) to the guy who wouldn’t shut up about the world not being flat. Sometimes religion blinds people to truths that are (again: literally) as bright as the most gigantic star in the universe.

       Basically, there are six “clobber passages” many conservative Christians use to justify their bigotry toward gay people — three in the Old Testament and three in the New Testament. Here’s how they shake down and where (some) Christians get it wrong.

       OLD TESTAMENT: Clobber Passage 1

       Genesis 19, the story of Sodom and Gomorrah

       This is the Religious Right’s favorite stories when it comes to gay-hate. Here’s how they tell it: A couple of handsome male angels were backpacking around the desert when they happened upon Sodom. Nice guy Lot invited them over to dinner, but during the middle of the main course, some gay strangers came calling. The gay strangers demanded that Lot send out his dinner guests so they could have gay sex. Lot refused. The next day God burned Sodom and Gomorrah to the ground and only spared Lot because he refused to let the gay strangers have gay sex with his dinner guests.

       Except for that version of the story misses a kind of important thing that happens in the middle: Lot went out to meet his angry townspeople and said (and this is an exact quote from the Bible), “No, my friends. Don’t do this wicked thing. Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don’t do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof.” (Genesis 19:7)

       The wicked men said no, they’d rather have the dudes, and so then God spared Lot’s family’s life and destroyed the rest of the city.

       So what’s the modern moral of this story? God is not OK with gays, but is a-OK with paternally-sanctioned rape? Therefore we should outlaw same-sex marriage but protect a dad’s right to offer his daughters up to be gang-banged? ‘Cause apparently God approves of that.

       Here’s another idea. We can go: “Man, things were really different ten thousand years ago. If that story is literal, and not just an oral allegory passed down from generation to generation as was the tradition of the day, God’s own personal human rights legislation was pretty crappy. Basing our modern laws on the way he dealt with ancient civilizations is kind of dangerous.”

       It’s disingenuous to cling to the “God smites gay people” thing and disregard the “God condones child rape” thing. They’re right there, in the same story. Either they’re both still relevant indicators of God’s feelings (child rape: good, gay sex: bad) or they both need to be examined through a modern lens.

       OLD TESTAMENT: Clobber Passages 2 and 3

       Leviticus 18:22
       “Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.”

       Leviticus 20:13
       “If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.”

       People who use the book of Leviticus to justify their prejudices against gay folks boggle my mind most of all. Leviticus is a set of instructions compiled specifically for Levite priests and a set of rules compiled for Israelites pre-Jesus. In fact, God makes quite a show about how much he doesn’t care about Levitical law post-Jesus when he interrupts the Apostle Peter’s prayer time to tell him to hop up and go buy himself a pulled pork sandwich. Acts 10:9-19 literally has God going: “Get up, Peter. Kill and eat.” See, because Leviticus offers such helpful healthy living tips as, “Don’t eat pork!” “Don’t eat shellfish!” “Don’t wear clothes made out of two different fabrics!” “Don’t let one kind of cattle graze with another kind of cattle!” “Don’t let a dude with a flat nose come to God’s altar!” “Don’t let women sit on your furniture when they’re on their periods.” Oh, and, “Don’t be gay!”

       But these days Christians commonly accept that Leviticus was a specific set of laws for a specific time, a time that was thousands and thousands of years ago. It’s preposterous to sift out those verses about how God hates gay people and assume they carry any more weight than the verses where God hates flat-nosed people. (I’m for real. Leviticus 21:17-18.)

       Again, take them all, or take none at all. You can’t choose “hate gays” without choosing “hate shrimp.”

       NEW TESTAMENT: Clobber Passages 4 and 5

       1 Timothy 1:9-10
       We also know that the law is made not for the righteous but for lawbreakers and rebels, the ungodly and sinful, the unholy and irreligious, for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers, for the sexually immoral, for those practicing homosexuality, for slave traders and liars and perjurers—and for whatever else is contrary to the sound doctrine.

       1 Corinthians 6:9-10
       Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived:Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.

       I’m going to group these verses together because the word “homsexuality” in 1 Timothy and the phrase “men who have sex with men” in 1 Corinthians are actually the same word in Greek, which is the language Paul used when he was writing these two letters. The Greek word he used is “arsenokoitais.” Now, here’s where things get dicey. Every time a new team translates the Bible into English, they come away with a different meaning for “arsenokoitais.” In various Bibles over the years, it has been translated: “effeminate,” “sisies,” “child molesters,” “abusers of themselves with men,” “male prostitutes,” “people with infamous habits,” and “Sodomites.” These days, it’s translated as “homosexuals.”

       That’s the thing about the Bible. It’s a collection of stories and letters and primary history-type texts that are thousands of years old. Which texts belonged in the Bible was a question that was still being debated a century and a half after Jesus died. A thousand-plus years is a whole lot of time for interference between the original texts and the versions of the text that were being passed around and down through the generations. Also remember that a bunch of rich white guys with a huge interest in maintaining their power over illiterate people were the ones who decided which texts were allowed in the Bible. (Again, 1,000 years after most of them had been written, with no original copies of the text remaining.) Even then, the Bible was only legally allowed to be translated into Latin and the Catholic Church literally strangled William Tyndale for suggesting the Bible should be translated into English for common people to read. And now that the Bible has been (and continues to be) translated into English, scholars still can’t agree on some Greek/Hebrew to English-word trandlayions.

       I cannot overemphasize this: The guys who decided which texts got to go into the Bible (and there were gazillions to choose from) did not want regular old people to be able to read the Bible. They closed themselves off in this room and said, “Just trust us. God will tell us what you need to know and then we’ll read it to you in a language you don’t understand and interpret that for you too.”

       Today “arsenokoitais” is translated as “homosexual.” At one time, it was translated as “masturbators.” Who knows how it will be translated in the future?

       Clobber Passage 6

       Romans 1:26 -27
       Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.

       One of the most important things you should do when you’re reading something from the Bible is ask: 1) Who wrote it? And 2) To whom it was written? Taken out of context, you might think God was thundering this stuff down to synagogues and churches with his own voice. But most of the New Testament is comprised of letters written by the early disciples. They were written to specific churches to address specific concerns. Take this passage in Romans here. This was a letter Paul wrote to the church in Rome, and the group of people he is talking about here is a sect that broke away from the church Paul founded and began engaging in pagan rituals, including big gay orgies that were a means of worship for the pagan gods. “Their error” is not referring to their “error” of having gay sex. “Their error” is that they converted to Paul’s brand of Christianity, and then decided it wasn’t for them. So they went back to worshiping their other gods. His criticism is of Greek temple worship (a thing that included gay sex).

       Also, it’s really important to remember that Paul is a guy who condoned — even promoted — slavery and the oppression of women. Because (and I just cannot stress this enough) those were perfectly normal and a-ok things when he was writing his letters to the early churches. The world has changed. Christians are happy to accept that fact when it comes to ideas like “maybe enslaving our fellow humans is barbaric!” and “maybe forbidding women to speak in church is sexist!”, but (again!) you can’t pick and choose. Either you have to acknowledge that the Bible was written to an ancient civilization with antiquated human rights morality, or accept it in its entirety as incontrovertible fact.

       It’s also super important to remember that Jesus never even addressed the gay thing, and there were plenty of gay Greeks running around when he was teaching. Jesus talked the most about money and second most about love, and the thing that really set him off was when church people and politicians — especially rich ones who got their money by exploiting the less fortunate — used arcane dogma to persecute people.

       Whew! That was a lot! If you want some book recommendations about how the Republican Party got in bed with evangelical church leaders and made gay people their scapegoats, let me know!

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       • also I think it’s helpful to point out that the same Hebrew word that used to say that being gay is “detestable” or an “abomination” is also used in Genesis 46:34 to describe how the Egyptians felt about shepherds. And Jesus was a shepherd.

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         • Mey, I didn’t know that!

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           • Thanks so much Heather, that was amazing! And Mey. I’ll definitely copy paste your post for future reference and share with my gf the next time we talk about it. I did know the gist about the bible not equating gayness and a sin and I have read a bit about the Sodomite interpretation, but I for sure did not know the details/specific verses. So having this all laid out and explained was so helpful. Thank you so much again!

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123. Question #5:

     My spacecadetpartnerwife and I have reached the first impasse of our fledgling union. The cause of this impasse is an ankle-length micro-fleece dressing gown in a pale shade of electric mint. While I have no problems with the colour mint in many applications, or the concept of dressing gowns, in this instance it serves only to obscure my beloved in unflattering folds of man-made fibres, drowning her natural beauty in the colour of used mouthwash. The garment is simply hideous. Right now, it hangs on the back of the wardrobe door, tormenting me.

     When I try and broach the subject of this fashion monstrosity with my ladyperson, she becomes highly defensive, claiming the robe fulfils her simple criteria, inexpensively providing warmth and comfort. I have offered multiple times to buy her new alternatives, but she resists, saying this eyesore does the job perfectly well. I thought for sure her head would be turned by many of the options given in your timely luxury robes post, but after a tickle of temptation she resists. I have offered to personally warm her body, at great cost to myself. When I ask her if she is just being awkward, she cackles maniacally. I offered her a right to reply in this comment, but she appears to have fallen asleep. I think it’s just another ploy to avoid resolving this bitter conflict.

     How, oh how, can I win this battle in my favour?

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     • You cannot possibly win it! My wife still reminds me of the time I threw out a pair of her ultra-fug khaki-colored cargo pants. Here’s what I’ve learned: Eventually, they will get rid of the offending garment themselves. Hand to god.

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       • Eventually sounds like a long time, but this gives me faint hope of a positive outcome. Also, I worry that my eyesight will deteriorate as I get older, but now I can finally see an upside to that. It’s all win-win!

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     • have you considered burning the robe in a large metal bin out back? i mean i’m not SUGGESTING that i’m simply asking if you’ve CONSIDERED it.

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       • To be honest, I think I’d just have to leave it near a radiator and it would melt. But no, I could not countenance destruction, it would be too cruel!

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       • See, the true way to destroy this abomination is with bleach. “Real sorry, babe, it was late and the mint looked like it belonged with the whites. I guess we know now I’ve only got the two cones…”

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     • what if next time she wears it
       you make spaghetti for dinner
       whenever i eat spaghetti i always get red sauce on my shirt
       and then my shirt is ruined
       maybe she could ruin her dress

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       • This is devious. I like it. I’m thinking it would have to be a breakfast-aligned meal as the offending garment is a robe/dressing gown type thing. Would it be possible to make a food post called “34 Breakfast Ideas Guaranteed to Indelibly Stain Your Clothes?”

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     • have you considered turning the gown into a purse

       love
       tinkerbell

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       • omg what if the dog eats the gown; perfect crime. get a dog!

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     • Find said robe in a different color, give as gift and say ‘Look! This one is so much more comfortable and soft and warm and fuzzy!! BTW, I spilled spaghetti sauce all over your other one so….’

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     • idk what y’all are hating for, I’m currently wearing a polar fleece robe. And it’s GREAT. #dirtylittlesecretsofafashioneditor

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124. preface: oops, i accidentally posted this as comment to a comment, so i am reposting here. i hope that is alright.

     First of all, you humans are all awesome and fabulous and wonderful, and I am so thankful for everything you do. Go treat yourselves to cheesecake, guys.

     I am a queer, bi/pansexual demi lady, seeking dating advice, in two parts.

     1. How do you even consider dating and meeting people when you need to know someone for months to even want something with them? Until the pain of a recent unrequited love for one of my friends, I was content to sit back and wait until something presented itself, but now I feel like I have/want to be more proactive. Still, the idea of dating a series of strangers feels foreign to me, and I don’t see it leading anywhere…I almost feel it would be disingenuous, considering how few and far between my instances of attraction are. Do I just need to suck it up and do it, even if it feels far from my nature? Or are there other ways of meeting people that are maybe more true to my temperament and how my sexuality/attraction tends to play out (friends first with months of incubation?) I want to be true to myself, but I also don’t want to wait until I am 80 to be in a relationship, you know?

     Also, I am just scared shitless.

     2) I need advice on how to navigate said relationship when/if it does happen. As a consequence of having been truly attracted to so few people, I have never been in a romantic/intimate relationship of any sort. I am 26. Anyone I end up dating is likely to have oodles more experience than me, and I will have the emotional maturity of a 16 year old. Isn’t that going to be a red flag for people? How do you navigate that kind of gap, both as the relationship virgin and the not-so-virgin? Is it possible? I need answers!

     2.5) TBH, the aforementioned unrequited love, coupled with a few other things in life, sent me into a pretty severe depression/anxiety state that persisted for months. I need to run and meet a friend soon, so I can’t really go into much depth now, but I was having all of the feels, some of them very dark and destructive. Any advice on how to take care of yourself, and how to build self-esteem/emotional maturity so that you don’t bring too much of your own baggage into a relationship, and can love in a way that feels healthy and positive? I constantly felt as if I was failing at something really important – I could not love her the way I wanted, not only because she was in a relationship, etc. but because my own feeling of inadequacy ultimately trumped by affection for her? I have been able to work on that over the past year, and I am definitely getting somewhere, but I could always use outside wisdom.
     Also, I am just scared shitless.

     And I have a part 2) I need advice on how to navigate said relationship when/if it does happen. As a consequence of having been truly attracted to so few people, I have never been in a romantic/intimate relationship of any sort. I am 26. Anyone I end up dating is likely to have oodles more experience than me, and I will have the emotional maturity of a 16 year old. Isn’t that going to be a red flag for people? How do you navigate that kind of gap, both as the relationship virgin and the not-so-virgin? Is it possible? I need answers! Thanks!

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     • I fall somewhere on the asexuality spectrum, in that vague, undefined area between demi and not-asexual.

       I think sometimes being demisexual is actually *harder* that being being farther into the ace territory precisely because it is so person-and-situation-specific.

       Since you said you’re demi without a specifier, I’m going answer with the assumption that you’re both demisexual and demiromantic.

       So, the first bit of advice is going to sound cliche, but the most important thing in all of this will be communication. Queer folks, I’ve found, are generally a pretty accepting bunch if they know what they’re getting into. So, if you’re going to OkCupid route, just be really straight forward: “Hey, I’m demisexual, so that means we’re going to have to build a connection before there’s any romantic/sexy potential.” If you don’t want to go that route, start socializing more in queer circles (if you aren’t already). Even among non-asexual folks, a lot of romantic relationships grow out of existing friendships.

       I don’t think dating experience and emotionally maturity are necessarily correlated, so don’t sell yourself short! Yes, you might need a little patience as you build the skills that are needed to be a relationship, but honestly, a lot of people don’t really start to build those skills until they’re in their mid-to-late twenties anyway! Again, just make sure you’re communicating and letting people know what’s going on. A little awkward communication can save hours of super terrible fighting later. :)

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125. Question #6, to all Head Bitches in Charge

     I’ve a good chance of getting promoted to a management position at work imminently. Although I’ve led lots of teams before, this would be my first time being a proper Boss, and I was wondering if any other boss types have advice on responsible bossing. I work in a casual corporate setting, largely with men, but any tips from anyone anywhere welcome!

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     • 1. Learn to organize yourself.
       2. Get a mentor (who is ideally not at your company).
       3. “Trust, but verify.” Don’t let your team waste time flailing around. Create the expectation that they will spend no longer than X trying to sort something out, but after that they need to ask for help.

       Good luck, and congratulations!

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     • Ooh, I manage two men at my work!

       The biggest thing I try to do as a boss is to be very clear about what my expectations are. When we have a meeting, I try to repeat the action items back to everyone before we break, and give them a specific deadline to finish by (even if I have to make it up or it changes). If I don’t do this at the meeting, I write off a quick email when I get back to my desk.

       If there are long term projects with no specific deadlines, I either ask them to give me a weekly (or bi-weekly, or monthly) progress reports, or put reminders in my calender to check up on their progress periodically. Before I did this, they tended to get distracted by other projects and never finish. That doesn’t happen anymore.

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126. Question #7:

     It’s the year 2015 and I still don’t get Twitter. Like, I understand technologically what it does, and I get the broadcast element of it, but I just don’t get how people use it for meaningful conversation. Enlighten me, please!

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     • Same, but snapchat.

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     • I am also quite confused with twitter and I do not think I will get it, but I have seen some awesome political work being done in tweeter. It gives folx the platform to express what they feel and create conversations with other folx. Check out this tweets against police brutality: http://www.theverge.com/2014/4/22/5641266/nypd-twitter-photo-contest-backfires

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     • I would say that I have made mutual interest acquaintances veeeerrrry slowly over a number of years. it’s still a slight game of wit but if it’s mutual then it works and may be a good indicator of potential real life friendship. if that’s what you’re asking.

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127. I really want to be dating someone who is one of my best friends and she doesn’t know that I like her and also we’re going to Europe together this summer. (Also she’s kind of quasi involved with someone else right now) but I thought I just wanted to be friends with her and then whoops fell for her hardddddd. HELP

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     • A. People break up all the time.
       B. People fall in love while traveling all the time.
       C. Probably you could distract yourself with something or someone else until summer because A & B. WHO CAN SAY!?!

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     • hayyyyyyy name twin! can you help us out and let us know what exactly you’re asking in terms of help? is it that you wanna know if you should bring it up with her? is it if you wanna know whether you should even go on the trip? is it that you wanna know if you should dye your hair to match her eyebrows? tell me what you want what you really really want (advice on).

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       • I definitely want to go on the trip! I just don’t know if I want to tell her about my feelings before the trip! Like should I tell her now? Or right before we leave? Or not at all??

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         • Mostly it’s like what if I tell her and she doesn’t like me back THEN WHAT

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           • HERE’S THE DEAL RACHEL. usually my advice isn’t to tell the person, because i don’t know, i’m a Play It Safe-er at heart and some part of my reptile brain stem screams out THAT SOUNDS DANGEROUS DON’T DO IT. but in this case, with the trip impending, i think it might be the right thing to do. because it sounds like you’ve got it bad! and if that’s the case it seems highly likely that it might come out one way or another on this trip, when you are probably both going to be drinking and underslept and spending a lot of time together, and that isn’t going to be the ideal time to talk about this. i think tell her in the next couple months (??) maybe, in a way that doesn’t require any action or response on her part. just like “hey i know you’re kind of with [person] and i obvs respect that but i just wanted to clear the air and let you know about this, especially given that we have this trip on the horizon.” and if things go REALLY SOUTH, there’s still time to make other plans regarding the trip. you know? GOOD LUCK RACHEL, namesake of my heart

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     • Tell HER!!! For reals, if you are falling for her real bad you should let her know specially since both of you are traveling together. I am all for open communication, which can be super super hard but it can really save a friendship. Also since both of you are prone to spend lots of time together, it is important that she knows how you are feeling about her!

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128. Happy happy birthday! I’m thrilled to be subscribed as an A+ member, you’ve all done so much for me and helping me to find a community and to find myself.

     So I am stuck in an uncomfortable web of queerness within my family. I am bisexual, and my sister is trans (M-to-F). My sister being trans was a secret that was kept from me for almost 8 years, until she came out to me in the car this past summer. I have not yet come out to my mother as bi, although I intend to do so this week, coincidentally. The problem I am having, however, is that despite the fact that I now know my sister’s identity, and my mom and stepdad and dad, the rest of the family, etc., has known for years, we don’t talk about it. Everyone (apart from me ) still uses “he” as her pronoun, and no one has acknowledged the fact that I now know. I want for my sister to become who she truly is. She has been undergoing hormone therapy for years, and growing her hair out, but she still says she “presents male” and that using “he” is “easier” for everyone else until she transitions further. I don’t agree! I feel like regardless of how she thinks she might look, she is a woman, and our family should be using her PGP and stop referencing her as “one of the boys.” I feel like the reason she hasn’t asked for more is because she does not feel supported by the rest of the family. I want to help her, and I want to back her up. I would even love to offer to help her mess around with hair styles and make up– I want to help her save up for laser hair removal for facial hair. I want my family to embrace her queerness, and preferably, soon, mine too. But there are so many secrets, and I don’t know how to get everyone talking. I also am afraid that if I bring it up, or try to offer to do make up with her, or tell my mom that she should pay for this or that for her transition when my mom asks what my sister (although she says brother) wants for her birthday, or any of those things, I will be bringing my sister unwanted attention or conflict. I also don’t want to speak for my sister and her experience of being trans, because I am cisgendered. So my question is, how do I get my family talking about this, and what is and isn’t okay to offer my sister? Can I offer to do stuff like hair and make up, or should I stay out of it? That’s the kind of thing I do with my cis step sister. What are other ways I can support her? I feel so useless because we live in Arizona in a relatively conservative family.

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     • This is a tough situation. And I feel for your sister. I think the first important thing to remember is that while coming out as trans is scary, actually starting to present as a trans woman in public, or even really in private, is way, way more terrifying. So that may be a large part of why she’s so reluctant to be as out as you, in your happiness for her, want her to be. Each person needs to come out and transition on their own terms, and so make sure that you don’t push her too hard or too far.

       That being said, I do think that a lot of the things you said you want to do could help her. I think offering to do her hair or makeup would be great. But make sure you do it in a sister-doing-her-sister’s hair way (which it seems like that’s your intent) not in a “I’m cis and you’re trans, therefore you don’t know anything about hair or makeup” way. Also, i think one thing you could do is to start buying gifts or makeup or clothes or whatever for her that you think she’d like or could use and you could just save it up. And let her know that when you’re out and about or buying her a gift, you might buy these things, and you’ll hold onto them until she’s ready for them. This might be best communicated through a letter. Or letters, you say that your family is bad at sharing things, maybe you and your sister could start writing letters to each other? In your first letter you could say that you’re extremely happy for her and support and embrace and celebrate her 100% and are so proud to have her as a sister. You could say that you’re excited to get to do sisterly bonding things with her and you’re excited to have someone to do hair and makeup with. Basically what you wrote to us.

       Does your sister know that you’re bi? If so, maybe you could bond over a shared queerness. So I think the key is to offer all these things and make sure she knows you support and love her more than anything and that whenever she’s ready, you’ll be there.

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     • Oh Alex! That has to be such a stressful situation for both you and your sister! I can’t even imagine how much that must be weighting on both of your hearts.

       I think a really good first step is get some one-on-one time with your sister and see if you can have a heart-to-heart. Transition can be a super-scary time, and just knowing that you have someone in your life who wholeheartedly accepts you can help a lot. Find out where she is, and what her goals are, and what her needs are. She might be a little awkward and nervous for a bit…if she’s used to hiding her her trans identity, it will probably take her some time to really open up. Just be patient. I’m not sure if one or both of you still live with your parents, but if you can get away from your parents house, it may make her more comfortable with both talking, and potentially experimenting with her presentation. But before you can get to the “hey, let’s try this with your hair” or “hey, let’s try out some makeup”, she’ll need to really understand that you love, support, and accept her unconditionally.

       That’s the “easy” part.

       Unfortunately, when people want to treat their queer and/or trans family members like dirty little secrets, it can be both difficult and painful to break those patterns. I think those pattern certainly NEED to be broken for the sake of your sister’s mental health and your own! The particulars of your family’s power dynamics will really control how to approach the situation. If you and your sister are both still dependent on your parent’s financial support, you’ll need to tread carefully. When it comes to pressing your parents on being more open/accepting of your sister’s identity, you should follow her lead. Transition is a thing that’s EXTREMELY individual, and it’s no good pushing someone before their ready. That being said, once you’ve gotten your sister’s trust, a good first step is just be clear that you’re aware of the situation and that you 100% accept her. That will really help you gauge how potentially explosive the backlash could be if you press harder. Obviously, risking you and your sister’s safety is something to avoid, at least in the near term. If you find that the situation does seem to at least “budge” a little, then I think it’s just a matter of applying slow, consistent pressure to make the changes you feel need to be made.

       If it looks like there’s NO budging on this, and that being “out” while living at home could potentially place you or your sister at risk of homelessness or physical harm, it’s time to start looking at ways to get out. It may take you a while to make that actually happen, but it will be far better for the both of you in the long term.

       If you AREN’T financially dependent on them, then I suggest you take the route that I did with my parents: make them being accepting of your queerness and your sisters’s trans identity an absolute requirement for seeing you. When faced with the potential of never seeing their adult children again, it’s shocking how quickly parents will fall in line.

       Good luck to you both! <3

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       • Thank you both. I really like the idea of getting gifts and saying I have them if she wants, but not forcing anything, that seems like a good in between. Also, I think if I were to write letters to her (and maybe get some in return) we could get the sister bonding needed to make it so it’s clear anything I do with her is not a “I’m cis you’re trans” thing and instead is a sisters hanging out thing, the way I’d love it to be. She does know I’m bi, and that’s already brought us together a lot. I really like all these ideas to start this process. Thank you thank you! It’s so good to here advice in the midst of this mess!

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     • i changed my name this year, and everyone has been awesome about it except my thesis advisor. I sent her an email explaining how I wanted to handle it in terms of letting the rest of my committee know. She didn’t reply to my email, and instead she told other people in a way I asked her not to. I think she was sort of well-meaning but having other people ‘handle’ my coming out process ‘for’ me was a big drag — patronizing and belittling and embarrassing, like i wasn’t adult or authoritative enough to deal with my own personal business. So, if your sister has stated a preference to use male pronouns for now, I would respect that. If you two have a close relationship, feel free to ask her follow-up questions, like if you two are not in public or around other family would she like you to use female pronouns or something, but otherwise, I suggest to follow her lead.

       Personally I can relate to her preference to not asking people to use preferred pronouns in public until looking the part. It’s just my personality, in the same way i wouldn’t ask ppl to be inconvenienced for me being left-handed. and since it’s my choice, I don’t feel invalidated (in a way). It’s really sweet to offer hair and makeup sharing; maybe find a way to test the waters with something like “I’m not using this stuff anymore; do you want to look through it before I donate it?” and include a box of items with a mix of gender associations. Work your way up to sisterly sharing; it might be clothes styles but not makeup that you have in common, or maybe only music. Or you could ask for her thoughts about your hair and makeup? Or what she thought of this or that actress’s look from a show you both like? I feel like finding a way to start from what common ground you already share in a non-gendered space and testing the waters with more neutral convos about gender (like pop culture stuff) might be a smooth way to build your sisterly relationship while letting her set the pace for convos about her transition.

       Re: talking w the rest of family, maybe you and sis could talk about it first and see what she thinks? you sound like an awesome sister; good luck with everything.

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129. One more: I’ve lived in dorms, apartments, and assorted other communal living situations. I guess I’ve been lucky; I’ve experienced mild irritation, but I’ve never been driven up the wall until now. My upstairs neighbor is an absolute frat-bro stereotype and is driving me crazy. I know he’s been cited for noise before; apparently others complained (I didn’t). I joke about avenging him but have rarely actually tried to get him to quiet down, because I’m really not interested in igniting a war here. I know I can keep blaring sound to tone the noise down, but he’s actually semi-aggressive in some ways: I’ve heard him ranting about “angry homos” right outside my door (this may or may not have referred specifically to me), and some of the noise is unquestionably deliberate. My newspaper disappeared chronically until I posted a direct threat on my door, and I’m pretty certain no one else along this staircase would have taken it. It’s just a major accumulation of stuff like that.

     The logical answer is to complain to the landlord, but this building doesn’t actually have one; it’s a mix of rentals and owned units. I’m in a rental, and it’s just the rental company; they’re completely hands-off except for receiving rent. Clearly, much of what I said up there gets into his-word-against-mine territory, anyway (as well as interpretation).

     Any advice here? This has been ongoing and is getting worse.

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     • i hate the people who live above us
       they are the worst
       i hate the people who lived above us before they lived above us
       they were also the worst
       we bang a broom sometimes

       have you considered teaming up with other tenants and confronting him or your rental company as a group?
       also might be a good way to start to get to know your neighbors and meet new people!

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       • I was wondering about the teaming up thing as a possible way to go. I’m thinking that “Hi, do you also want to kill or at least maim slightly the guy in #x?” is probably not the best way to start. I know one of the adjoining neighbors, who is probably also on the angry homo list (might have also been the person who he was talking about; he’s an owner, and I’m pretty sure he did make a complaint). I guess I need some way to segue into this. But thank you, excellent suggestion. I’ll turn my water heater closet into a war room or something else totally normal.

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     • have you considered turning your roommate into a purse?

       love
       tinkerbell

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       • Is Silence of the Lambs on Netflix? Asking for a friend.

         Fava beans. Mmm.

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       • Also, I just looked at your profile and am now very interested in being cyber stalked by a naked lesbian. Do you need that in the form of a question? As in how do I make this happen?

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     • I used to play Lily Allen’s Fuck You (Very Much) on repeat while I was getting ready to leave the house, but I think you’re seeking a more adult route here.

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       • In interests of staying young and all, I did play Du Hast one day, which accomplished nothing. Fuck You was next. Also nothing. Then I tried Free Bird: silence. I have no idea what message Lynard Skynard sent that the other two didn’t, but it was effective.

         I also might have gotten a strong urge to use a power drill (extensively) this morning, but that was entirely unrelated to this weekend’s 48-hour orgy/toga party/kegger.

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     • Sorry to hear that. I have lived in too many similar situations, I have had emotional break downs because of horrible neighbors, which we mostly white straight cis dudes. Although I am all about ‘protecting my territory’ and staying in the apartment as long as I could, looking back some of the situations were so violent, dangerous and ridiculous that were getting to me even when I was not at home. This is when you ask yourself ‘is my living situation affecting my daily life, physical and mental health even when I am not at home?’ If the answer is yes, you might want to move to another place. Our home space is so important, if we are not feeling comfortable in it then it trickles down to every other aspect of our lives.

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       • Now that my computer has digested my first attempt to reply to this . . .

         Thank you. Your question gets right to a major concern. Guy Upstairs and I moved in at about the same time, in fall 2014. He doesn’t associate with anyone here, so he’s an unknown quantity to everyone here in terms of behavior, etc.: it makes me nervous that this is a completely unpredictable situation. As I mentioned in my other post, hopefully a job will materialize at some point; if that does happen, it’s especially important that this space actually be restful and stress-free.

         In other words: you’re right on point.

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130. Happy Birthday Autostraddle!!

     My question is for anyone who feels like sharing. What’s your most embarrassing moment? Mine involves me staying at my girlfriend’s place for the first time, accidentally breaking her shower, panicking and having to walk out in a towel and be like “sooooooo….here’s what happened.” It’s a funny story now, but at the time I was mortified!

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     • http://youtu.be/EDVIjVvL-cU?t=2m

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     • Oh gosh. One time I clogged a toilet at a new-ish partner’s house. And they didn’t have a plunger. And when I went to the other bathroom to try and find one, their Mom asked me what I was looking for.

       Very. Embarrassing.

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     • i think my most embarrassing moment is still the time in high school when a guy picked me up — like literally picked me up in the hallway between classes — and i TOOTED. and i say tooted bc that’s what my friend heather used to say and it’s so special to say it that way. anyway i’d never tooted in public until that moment and everyone reacted like we were in a disney channel movie — lots of “ohhhhhh!”s and tooting sounds. like for a week solid that was the sound i heard as i walked down the halls. their dedication was impressive though.

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     • Kindergarten (I think). Quiz on the floor. Tiny bladder. Sadness.

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131. I don’t know who can answer this, but hopefully someone. Ali? Riese?

     I use Quicken to manage our household finances. (I’m absurdly detail-oriented and even track our cash accounts so I know where every dollar goes.) And I use Quickbooks to manage my business finances. I’m using Quickbooks 2014 because updating that software is a business expense. But I’m still using Quicken 2006. Miraculously it still works, but at some point it’s not going to. Should I track our personal household finances in Quickbooks or bite the bullet and pay $65 for the new Quicken. Like, does anyone use QB for personal detail-oriented finance tracking? Is it too complicated a program for such simple bookkeeping?

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     • i’ve never used quicken, and i only use quickbooks for my business finances, so i’m not sure…
       it does seem about as complicated as a thing could be, though

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       • Before I saw you replied, I thought to myself, it’s only $65. Why change the way I do everything and adapt household finances to QB for so little money. I’m going to “splurge” to upgrade. Thanks.

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         • YOU DESERVE IT

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           • Update: I bought Quicken 2015 and updated my files and it was seamless. Took less than 5 minutes. Feeling good about the choice. Thanks for the encouragement.

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     • I’d recommend just creating a separate company file in QuickBooks and use it for your personal bookkeeping. You’ll have access to more advanced reporting than you would have in Quicken and it will save you from the additional expense of buying new software. However, if you have to keep your personal matters completely separate from business, you might prefer to go the Quicken route as it’s cheaper. Depending on how complex your household financials are, the free and user-friendly Mint.com may also be a viable alternative. – Lizz’s girlfriend

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       • I was about to buy Quicken. But this might work. There are a few other advantages to moving personal to QB as well, namely that I can access the file from my home or work computer. I think I’ll give it a go for a month and if it’s too difficult to track cash expenses or whatnot in QB I’ll upgrade from Quicken 2006.

         Thank you Lizz and Lizz’s girlfriend.

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132. Question #8, on AGEING:

     Being in my 30s, it is a likelihood that my hair will do some serious greying within the next decade. I don’t currently dye my hair or wear makeup, but my Mum and sister have basically told me that dyeing is the only option, and to not even consider staying natural.

     On the one hand, I think some pretty badass ladies rock the grey, e.g. Eileen Myles. Also I am very lazy and low maintenance.

     On the other hand, I acknowledge that I’ve been able to slide pretty easily through life on the back of being a young, white female, and visible ageing will diminish that currency.

     ARGH. WHAT DO I DO.

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     • i think you should rock the grey

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     • SALLY I WANT GRAY HAIR SO BADLY. for real i think about dying it silver every day basically, but i don’t think i will because the money and time of upkeep on dyed hair is like too much for me. what i’m saying is that YOU COULD LIVE MY DREAM FOR ME. please don’t leave me hanging here (she said in a totally normal and healthy way that is totes respectful of boundaries).

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     • HI SALLY it’s me again! i’m glad you’re not going to burn the robe. being 34, i think i’m cool with getting grey hair, but sometimes i freak out about it because it’ll mean i’m closer to death and i don’t want to die. I DON’T WANT TO DIE SALLY. but then again sometimes when i use dry shampoo, i get too much in one spot and i’m like, i’ll look really rad with grey hair, look at me!

       i believe the key to really owning and rocking grey hair is in the cut of the hair? i say this as someone who does not have grey hair.

       mostly, sally, i just wanted to talk to you some more.

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     • grey hair is literally the sexiest.

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     • Rock it, it’s so hot. I’ve had some coming in for a good few years now, and I don’t give a shit. It’s either hardly noticeable or when I get my fancy hair-painting or balayage done, the toning tones it down or covers it for awhile, but I honestly don’t care at all and don’t think I ever will!

       The new rules, you should inform your mum and sister, is that there are no rules.

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     • HEY so my mom and her friends had a bet when they turned 40 that if my mom did not dye her hair for a year, she won $20 or something dumb like that, but she did it. She has not dyed her hair since she turned 40, and that was about 7 years ago. My mom has naturally black/dark brown hair, and she wears it in a shoulder-length bob, so the grey/silver is pretty noticeable, but I think she wears it well. The other day someone at the deli counter asked her where she got her hair done because they thought it was trendy as hell.

       tl;dr: you probably will look amazing and fierce with grey hair. Own it.

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133. Happy Birthday you amazing team of amazing people that is also called Autostraddle. Thank you for everything! I’m sorry I didn’t buy you a present, but I’m poor, so I’m going to ask you for shit instead. Don’t worry, it’s only advice, you probably don’t use it anyway…

     Can you believe that when I found you, I was living in the Middle East and had to visit you through a proxy ’cause lesbian? Now, I’ve been generously given a membership and I could just die from excitement. I was just welcomed into a volunteer ambassador program and receiving two pieces of great news in one night seems just other worldly. Don’t tell me I still need to wake up. I also got your timezone wrong and have, like, a couple of hours left and missed a lot of the amazing people I wanted to talk to.

     So, uh, coming out advice, I suppose. I’ll ask girl stuff later so this can just feel so cliche. I’m having serious issues with coming out, but it’s more of, should I do so? Coming out would mean relief for me (my father thinks I’m old and I need to get married, ’cause Arabs and he won’t lay off about it), but it would mean strain on my family. The Arab/Muslim community in my country is one giant gossip, which would mean shit from them, especially toward my siblings’ chances of marriage and a prosperous future. Ever heard of bringing shame upon your family in Arabic films? Yep. Also, my father might get upset and uproot my family because Australia is definitely what made me queer (little does he know it is Autostraddle) which would mean lost contact with family and physical, probably financial, abandonment. Either way, either I or my family is going to carry the burden of me coming out or not, and my question is, should I shoulder it for the sake of everyone? I used to think I could play the martyr, but it’s driving me crazy lately, and I’m just beginning! I really don’t want to hurt my younger siblings, they’re just kids. Any social retaliation will be from me, and me alone, even if my parents are super cool about it, and I really don’t want to be the one to ostracise them. Can I fake my death? I have once chance at a residential scholarship at Uni, which is why this is becoming such a big deal. Should I take it and just move out, no explanations given (they’ll still get pissed and the people will still gossip), or wait until…that’s the thing, there is no until. Even if I come out at 50, it’ll still be the same story. I wish my parents could yell fuck it at their community, but these lot will hunt you down, no matter what. So, tell me what to do because I can’t think for myself over these emotions. Also, my grandparents are getting old and I don’t want to come out while they’re alive and have them hate me. That’ll just ruin me. Argh.

     Anyway…there is this girl at college who spent the last four months biting her lips and twirling her hair at me like something out of a really cheesy and bad romance, and she’s admittedly one of the most confident and beautiful persons I have met, but I didn’t do anything about obvious flirting because of how nice and deep I am in said closet. I’m leaving in 1 month, and I have hardly had a proper conversation with her, and I would love to as she is literally the only other female identifying person that has acknowledged my sexuality without me alluding to it first, but I have no idea how to talk to her ’cause I literally just can’t talk without turning into a tomato. Is it worth it, or should I just avoid her for the rest of my course like I have already? I mean, I’m not super interested/crushing/secretly in love with her, I just would like to talk to her.

     Also, also, I sometimes meet queer women (they’re so queer they’re covered in rainbows. literally. I mean, with rainbow flags on their clothes) that give me these intense stares that freak the fuck out of me. Can people tell? Are gaydars real? Does the fact that I look like a giant Arab stereotype not change anything and reduce chances of people figuring out my sexuality? Am I overreacting? Am I? Quell my worries, Autostraddle!

     Oh, oh, do I come out as lesbian or queer? I’ve been thinking about this. My mum won’t understand queer, or gender queer, or any other gender identity I’m still figuring out, but she will understand her child likes girls, and she’ll probably call me a lesbian by her own understanding. I came out to my sister just to talk to someone recently, and I have had so many conversations with her but she still just calls me a lesbian. I think it’s easier as none of my family are currently invested in LGBT issues. Hmm…

     There is a girl on the internets that I like, and as someone with a terrible gaydar (I’m making it a thing), I wonder is she might be queer because of her haircut and we all know alternative haircuts are a sure sign of lesbianism. We’ll now both be working on the same team together, but via the web. Should I talk to her? I would love to, but that closet. Grr. Would you date people while still in the closet? Should I date people while in the closet? This really won’t be dating, I mean, I just want to talk to her but as more than friends(?). I do already talk to her, we are friends, and we have long political conversations, have pretty much similar interests, and we’re the same age. See, I’m making excuses as to why I should talk to her. Anyway, I would love to see what a conversation with her would turn out to be. Also, I just jokingly asked her out. Haha, I’m so suave.

     Okay, that should be all.

     I must say, that was really great venting.

     This is so awesome, though. I have this orange ring around my profile picture and every time I see it I feel so, so happy. Whoever drew my name out of that hat, I love you.

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     • I am gonna answer just the first “should I talk to her” part of this question with an emphatic YES. It is okay if you turn red or if you don’t know what to say to be charming or if you get super quiet around her or if you’ve never even talked to her before. Talk to her now. The worst case scenario is that it goes poorly and she never talks to you again, which sounds like it’s gonna happen as it is right now anyway, and the best case scenario is that you get to talk to her! It doesn’t matter that you’re not super interested/crushing/secretly in love with her, and in fact the absence of those things might work in your favour. Just be your awesome self and say hi and ask about her [thing] and see what happens.

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134. Question #9, on Autostraddle Groups:

     Do you consider the groups to be a success, or a stop-gap until more fully-featured forums/chat, or somewhere in between? I remember when they were first launched, there was a flurry of people joining them, but I couldn’t really see how the communication/activity was meant to flow. What are the current plans around the social side of the site?

     Also, when I tried creating a Tonya Harding Fan Club group, I couldn’t work out how to actually make one, so.

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     • i do not consider the groups to be a success!
       i think that they could work in theory, but enough people need to be actively using them
       when we launched them, forums were a thing that people really felt we needed
       a thing other sites (e.g., AE) had
       but there’s been a huge shift in social behavior online in general
       where not only are online forums no longer a hit b/c people just join companion facebook groups instead
       but people don’t even want to talk about site content onsite, they’d rather to do that on facebook or tumblr or twitter as well

       when we launched groups even i was a person who checked facebook maybe once a week at most
       but then b/c of the a-camp social group and other camp facebook groups i started checking in once a day or so
       and honestly they’re pretty user-friendly compared to AS Social groups

       we tried to make groups happen
       but they just didn’t happen

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     • i would join your tonya harding fan club though ftr

       also i was going to ask you this in an email but if you wanted to e-mail me The Case for Team Tonya it would be useful for an upcoming post which’ll reference survey data

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     • Sally, I would also join your Tonya Harding Fan Club.

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135. Happy Birthday Autostraddle! Finding this site was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me, no joke. I’m happy you’re still around!

     My question is this, and I don’t know who can answer it:

     I’ve wanted to have a baby/adopt a child for a few years, but recently my drive to make that happen kicked up a notch, like I think about babies all the time! The thing is, I am very happily single. I’ve never been one for dating and I’ve only had one relationship in the 7 years I’ve been out and it only lasted a few months. The idea of being in a committed relationship is not appealing to me, at all, but I’m getting a lot of negative feedback from people about the idea of single parenting by choice. I recently went on a few OKC dates that were not great and it made me think that I’d be completely happy being single forever. Do you think I should forget the dating and just move ahead with my baby plans? Or, what advice do you have for someone thinking about acquiring a child as a single person?

     (a little more information: I’m old enough and financially stable enough to afford a baby on my own. I work at a child care center so childcare wouldn’t be an issue.)

     ps asking this question in public like this is really nervewracking!

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     • I was a single mom for a very long time, and honestly, it was logistically very difficult much of the time, but in every other way completely satisfying and awesome and wonderful. If you’ve thought all that through – and it seems like you have, and you “get” it, both practically and as a human with emotional needs and limits – and you still want to be a parent, don’t let people stop you. They’re ridiculous. Don’t let them concern troll you into not having a child if that’s what you are certain you want.

       Even if you had a Normal Rockwell-ass setup, people would criticize and judge and have miles of unsolicited garbage advice (yeah, yeah, I just heard myself), so that’s all nonsense. Whether by choice or circumstance or tragedy, mothers and fathers parent solo all the damn time, and their families are no less complete or lovely for it. Do you! And feel free to see if Family Equality Council has any resources or groups that might help you – I’m biased, but it’s a great org!

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     • if you are old enough and financially stable enough to afford a baby on your own
       then i think you should go for it!
       if i was in your shoes
       that is what i would do

       so many humans are raised by single moms
       so many humans are raised by two parents but one of the parents sucks or isn’t around or dies
       or two parents who don’t like each other

       it’s not easy to be a single mom
       but it’s not always easy to be a not-single mom either

       i think you need to follow your heart and have a babay and send us photos
       i bet you will be an excellent mother!

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     • also! we’ll soon have some articles by single-by-choice queer moms/parents, so GET READY FOR THAT xoxox

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       • WOOP! Awesome.

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     • I see single parents all day long in clinic and married parents and coupled parents and three parents and babies being raise by mom and grandma or dad and auntie and basically every other combination of grown-ups at home you can imagine. The thing that makes a difference isn’t whether you are in a relationship but that you love the crap out of your child and can support them emotionally and educationally. It helps a lot also to be able to support them financially too.

       I say if you want a baby go for it.

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136. Happy Birthday AS, you such a wonderful presence in my life! Thank you!
     I guess this is a question for anyone with advice about being single and relationships
     So I’ve not had any dating experience of any kind. No one has ever expressed any kind of interest in me at all. No crushes, no flirting, nothing. I know that patience is important and that “someday” some weirdo will like me and all my weirdness. But until then, how do I handle feeling so unloved and unwanted? How do I handle really really wanting to be in a relationship but not finding anyone to be in a relationship with? Being patient is kind of the only realistic solution, but how do I happily feel patient?

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     • Hi Jay!

       I so wish we could sit in the same room right now and chat and talk and I would even share some of this amazing banana bread I have. Because talking about relationships is something that we can do for days.

       I want to start by addressing your feelings of being unloved and unwanted in two ways:
       1) You’re loved and you’re wanted. There’s a whole community right here on this very website that is so happy to have you here, sharing your thoughts and feelings and maybe even talking for many other folks out there who have yet to date someone for the first time.

       2) Have you ever pursued someone? I can’t tell from your ask whether you have or not, so I don’t know whether you have crushed on or flirted with folks and they just haven’t reciprocated. If you have, well, welcome to the club! Many of us have flirted with and crushed on others hard just to have it not work out, or being outright told that it wasn’t going anywhere -and that’s okay. I like to see it as practice for the time I get the “yes! you’re hella cute, too!”

       On the other hand, if you have not ever really gone for it, really just put your number down on a napkin or told someone they look beautiful/handsome/so very good today, then maybe taking that first step will help. Because the truth of the matter is that the number of folks who are waiting for someone to take the first step wildly outnumbers the number of folks willing to take that first step themselves. The worst thing that can happen (in a space where you feel safe) is that they say “no, thank you.”

       Now, for the patience part: do you know that saying “watched pot never boils”? I cannot tell you just how applicable it is to this case. I have lived experience and anecdotal evidence that 100% supports the fact that any time someone is just waiting for “that special someone” to show up, it just doesn’t happen. My theory is that in those moments we are so invested in finding the signs of what “a special someone” is supposed to look like that we don’t have any energy left to invest time in ourselves and anyone other who doesn’t fit the bill -and that’s just a shame. Time just crawls by if you’re not having fun, so the way I deal with it is by packing my schedule full of things that make me feel good, loved and wanted, even if only because I’m part of a book club and I’m the only one who brings the gluten-free dessert. Does that make sense?

       Finally, know that you’re not alone in this, and that many of us (whether we have ever gone on a date or not) have those moments of utter, deep doubt that we’ll meet someone who’s just outstanding. Also, that you’re a badass for asking this question, many of us would be too concerned to even utter the words.

       Does that answer your question? Let me know! I’m saving a bit of banana bread just for this.

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       • Thank you :D
         I’ve told some crushes about my feelings and they weren’t returned. But in general I haven’t really put myself out there very much. It’s difficult to be courageous.
         This is helpful thank you! I have brief periods of time where I’m not thinking about finding someone and I need to extend that time in order to shrink the time I spend dwelling on finding someone. Be my own special person I suppose.
         also thank you Lizz, thinking about it that way is helpful too :D

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     • Hi!!

       I agree with what Danii said. I would just point out that it’s not just that you’re patiently waiting for some weirdo, it’s that some weirdo is out there patiently waiting for you too!! I hope you lock eyes and hearts soon!

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137. Hello! I wish I could channel some energy to everyone answering questions, because you all must be seriously exhausted by now. But thank you! This is a kind and lovely thing you are all doing.

     My question probably can only be answered by me, but I would love to hear any advice:

     I finished grad school in August and have mostly been lounging around my parent’s house since then. I have not put a whole lot of energy into applying for jobs, because it is overwhelming and I don’t really know what I want. I did manage to apply for a grand total of three jobs, and one of them wants to hire me, which is great. It isn’t the perfect job, but I would learn a lot, it would only be for two years, and it would force me to get out of my parent’s house and back into my life.

     The downside is that the job is in the most non-town town I have ever seen. There is no downtown walking area. Mostly there are strip malls and a lot of desert. I’ve never lived somewhere that isolated, but if that was the only problem, I think it would be fine. In addition to that, every person I met when I interviewed and every person they know is married/in a serious relationship. I am concerned that will make it much harder to build connections and make friends. Lastly, the queer people must be in hiding, because there is no evidence of them. There are about 12 people on okcupid from the area. I found one woman who used to work at the place for four years, and she said she was the only queer person she knew. I could find a way to locate the queer population, probably through creating a social group at the company, but it will definitely be a high-energy task.

     So- my question is less about should I take the job and more about if I do take the job, how do you think I could go about making this a positive experience/building a life there? Are there things I can do to stop thinking this is going to be a sad, lonely disaster?

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     • hey amy! congrats on the job offer, first off.

       it’s tough to know whether this job would be the right move for you because who knows how anything will work out! the future is a mystery. i would suggest a couple questions for you to ask yourself to help decide: what are the stakes of accepting this job offer or not? are you happy/safe/comfortable staying at your parents’, is it a sustainable plan? is the concept of applying to jobs so odious that you’d do anything to not have to do it any more? to be honest, if the answers to those are ‘yes’ and ‘no,’ then it doesn’t seem like there’s any real harm in waiting this one out and applying to more places. i know job application is overwhelming, but if you’re really that worried about being in a small town, it may be worth it to keep trying.

       ON THE OTHER HAND. in 2011 i relocated from boston (a city! it had subways and 24-hour grocery stores and if you cried on the street no one really noticed or cared (which to me is a plus!)) to kalamazoo, michigan (also a city, but only has #2 from the previous list and is generally much smaller and more isolated/conservative). at the time i was convinced it would be mildly unbearable and was very much in a headspace of “it’s fine i just won’t make any real friends or date or know any gay people for three years, that will be fine and not bother me at all.” but you know what? there are interesting and wonderful and badass people everywhere, even small towns, even if they’re married or possibly more conservative than you would ideally want. there are also queer people everywhere — everywhere! — even if you don’t suspect so at first. what i’m saying is that i don’t think the size of the town should necessarily be what makes or breaks this job opportunity. you mention feeling overwhelmed and not sure what you want — that seems to me like an item perhaps more worth reckoning with than town/city size. i don’t know what’s right for you but i’d urge you to try, whether talking it through with others or therapy or journaling or locking yourself into a sensory deprivation tank, i don’t know, to try to figure out as best you can what you do want, and then decide whether this job is it.

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138. @CAROLYN Hi. I could use some advice on being the ‘open’ to someone’s committed, open relationship (a marriage, actually). Open in this case is not a free for all, but specially curated occasional partners for one of the committed parties involved (the other partner is monogamous). Pitfalls, perks? Anyone else also please feel free to respond. Thanks!

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     • Hi Clementine!

       There are two things to consider here: what the situation is, and how you feel about it.

       I admit, I’m getting a hesitation-inducing ping from the phrase “specially curated occasional partners” and from you describing one partner in an open relationship as monogamous. I’m gonna assume this is a consensual non-monogamy situation (i.e., not cheating) and that everything is above the board. But make sure you’re all on the same page about the parameters of your (potential?) relationship. It’s one thing to casually talk about being an occasional partner and another to find out that for one person that means sexy hanging out a few times a week, for another it means sex but not – or only – certain acts once every three weeks and that for another it means basically regular dating by another name. Communicate, clarify, discuss. It sounds like the other people involved are setting the terms right now, and that’s okay, just make sure you have room to assert yourself, too.

       But also, it doesn’t really matter whether you’re following someone else’s rules or making your own as long as you’re satisfied with the situation. Are you comfortable and also happy with everything? Is everyone else? Go for it, it could be great.

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139. @internrachel (or anyone else who has taught college) – I really liked the article about sexism in the classroom you wrote a few weeks ago. When you were teaching, did you specifically do anything to make your classroom more inclusive? I TA and basically the only thing I’ve done is tell them on the first day of class if they go by some name that’s not their legal name for whatever reason that’s fine, but please give me a heads up so I know where to put the grades in the computer. I’d love to do more, especially since I teach a hard science that is ~80% male and mostly white/straight, and I would have loved to see more diversity stuff when I was an undergrad.

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     • HAY KELLY. it’s so great that you’re working on how to make your classroom safer and more inclusive! it’s tough to advise re: this because every educational institution/community/classroom is so different, but i can talk a little bit about what i did. i did indeed say that if anyone wants to use a different name, they should let me know and i would make sure it was used. my classroom was very discussion-based, and a lot of my concern was about people saying fucked-up stuff that would make other students feel unsafe in the context of discussion. to that end, i added a specific paragraph about standards of speech in my syllabus, which i somehow cannot find right now but which basically said “if you say anything racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, etc there will be consequences, and i reserve the right to be the one who decides what is racist/sexist etc.”

       i don’t know what kind of freedoms you have regarding the syllabus, especially as a TA, but i do think that putting things in writing at the beginning of the semester is a really strong way to set a tone for the semester. think about what behaviors you’re worried about occurring in your classroom, and figure out if you can either put something in the syllabus about it or just print out a list of ‘classroom expectations’ and hand it out on day 1. i find that this has a more powerful effect for students than just telling them not to do something — if you can say “steve, i’d like you to refer to the syllabus about what you just said to amy, and then leave my class for the rest of the day,” it holds more weight both to steve and to other students than saying “cool it, steve.” if your teaching allows/requires one-on-one meetings with students, you can also check in with individual students, especially marginalized ones, and see how they’re feeling/if there’s anything you can do to support them!

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       • @internrachel Thanks! Since my field is so male-dominated and I teach labs so everything is group work, I’m mostly worried about unconscious bias (and overt bias) towards the female students (my current class has 19 men and 4 women in it). I’m not really sure my current strategy of aggressively advertising women in science events is working, sounds like printing out a list of classroom expectations for the first day might be a good thing to add!

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         • unconscious bias is a real humdinger isn’t it? it’s very difficult to confront that in a classroom, i’m sorry! i think that you’re really well positioned to provide support and affirmation and a listening ear to the women in your classroom, and that’s a pretty good thing to be. remember that you’re just one person! you’re doing your part to combat this phenomenon, and it’s okay that you can’t fix all of it yourself.

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140. Happy birthday, Autostraddle! Everyone has cute hair, and your smile is extra bright today!

     I had a question about coming out to relatives. I have one grandparent who is still alive, and as a family we have agreed not to tell my grandma that I am a gay lady who is going to marry a woman (who incidentally has the same name as my grandma). I haven’t ever been particularly close with her, but as she is getting older, she and my parents have dropped hints on her developing a relationship with me before she eventually passes away. Problem is: since I am not allowed to come out to her, I don’t feel comfortable picking up the phone and calling her if I know that most of my life is off-limits.

     How do I get over my apathy towards establishing a relationship with my grandma, and how do I push for coming out to her?

     The rationale so far has been that she is too old to accept it, and if she doesn’t react well, my parents will suffer the consequences. I would only talk to my grandma for social obligations and to appease my parents, so very little would be lost if she were to reject me. I just don’t know how to emphasize to my parents how much I hate being closeted against my will, but I don’t care enough to have that difficult conversation with my parents in the first place.

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     • oh man. i don’t know if this is because i’m a rude only-child or what, but i would just come out to my grandma. your relationship with her is yours and no one else’s. if you want to come out to her and it happens to have a negative impact on your parents, i guess they’ll get over it? also they should probably give grandma some credit and let her make her own decisions. she might be ok with it, or she might be awful about it and eventually ok with it, or just awful about it until she’s dead! who knows! there’s really only one way to find out, and it would just annoy the shit out of me if my parents wanted me to basically lie about myself and jump through hoops just bc they were afraid of how an old lady would react.

       you can still be really nice and respectful and chill about it! i’m not suggesting you write SLUT across your bare chest and make-out with your partner in grandma’s living room or anything like that. there are ways to be understated and polite and still be yourself and get your point across.

       but again, i am possibly a huge bratty jerkface.

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       • No, this is good! I’ve been able to ignore this for 3 years already because I’m maintaining the status quo in terms of my minimal relationship with grandma in the first place, but I always feel like an asshole for caring so little about that relationship too.

         It’s been an awkward silence when the topic of our future wedding comes up (with my parents in regards to telling G-ma), because I’ve felt like it would be worse to wait to drop the bomb then instead of doing it now and giving her time to deal with it.

         I’m incidentally visiting my family this week, so I think I will broach the subject again. Thanks, Laneia :) I look forward to more updates from your wedding, too.

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     • Agree with Laneia that your relationship with your grandma is yours. Your grandma is an adult. So are your parents. So are you. I feel like you can all be responsible for your emotions, you know?

       If your grandma is a jerk about it, that will suck, but you won’t know until you try. I had a similar situation with my Aunt Wilma, an older friend of the family who was basically a grandmother or unofficial godmother to me. We were always very close. My mom had warned me not to say anything to her, telling me if would go very badly and Aunt Wilma would cut me out of her life, basically. Well, close to the end of her life, after a particularly awkward visit where I pretended to be single instead of married to my long-term partner, I decided it was time. Come what may.

       You know what? You know fucking what? My Aunt Wilma was so happy to hear that I was happy. She was an educated woman and had zero problems with my marriage. In fact, she was worried that something was wrong with me because I’d been single for so long. She had always encouraged me to put education and work first (she was unmarried by choice, herself), but she was concerned that I wouldn’t find a love. And so she was really happy. And then she bitched out my mom for silencing me about it for so long. To which my mom pretended that she did not, in fact, silence me, but whatever. In the end, it all worked out. Aunt Wilma even told me she had a dalliance in her youth with a lady, whether that is true or not (she may have been a chronic liar…hard to tell). Anyway, she passed away last year and I was really glad I told her and that we could be 100% close again before she passed.

       So for what it is worth, you should talk to your grandma, especially if it is eating away at you and presenting a barrier to being close to her.

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     • My grandma is the most supportive, amazing, most accepting person in my family. She could surprise you and no one is “too old to accept it” in my opinion. Especially if you say “very little could be lost” there could also be a TON to gain!

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141. Hiya, So I just joined. Happy to support.

     Would love advice about: As an “older” lesbian , early 40’s, looking to reconnect with the lesbian/gay community I feel a bit like a fish out of water. Last time I was out and about looking for community/dates I was much younger and fit. I also spent most of my time at lesbian/gay bars which is not as appealing now due to the younger ages there (no offense ladies!) and the fact that I’m clean and sober. Blergh! I feel a bit like I’m coming out for a second time. I’m in the SF Bay Area so it should be easy but truthfully there is almost too much out there to choose from. Any tips?

     Also, any tips on dating/having sex at an age and a body type drastically different than when I was last sexually active? I don’t feel as sexy or as confident as I did. And thinking about sex as a clean and sober lesbo is freaking me the eff out.

     Thanks and keep up the good work. So important.

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     • hello JAJ! we’re so happy you joined! welcome now and forever! i know for me personally, the best way to meet people in a real way is by doing some kind of activity together. somehow it’s a lot easier to really connect with someone and get to know them when you’re both actually DOING something together (helping clean up a park, stuffing envelopes, walking dogs together, etc). i wonder if there’s any way to get involved in community or volunteer activities that you know are important to the lesbian community in the bay area? a nonprofit lgbt bookstore or events hosted by an LGBT community center or a softball league?

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     • Hi @JAJ!
       I do not live in the Bay Area, but I did just recently come back from visiting there and I loved it so much. You are right about the amount of opportunity you have out there! And I also understand that sometimes having such a large pool to pull from can be overwhelming, especially when you are getting reacquainted.
       Do you use the internet much? The first thing I was thinking was that looking into some internet dating sites or meet-ups (for dating or just meeting people in general) could be a great start. In the past, I have been quite skeptical of this myself, but I have had some friends who find it to be very effective and a great way to kind of sift through the crowd or find a smaller crowd to sift through.
       Another approach could be to just get out there and just have it. Take it slowly… buy yourself a drink, enjoy the music, strike up a harmless conversation with someone and just see how it makes you feel. Oh shit… you said you’re sober now, right? Well, get yourself a nice mocktail and enjoy yourself anywhere. You’ll never know until you try, right?! This would be a great way to see what crowds you like, which ones you don’t and what approach works best for you. It’s mostly trial and error, but as long as you don’t take yourself too seriously, and allow yourself to enjoy the process, you should be fine! I hope this is helpful!

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     • I don’t have experience with this exact situation, but I do relate to the feeling of being overwhelmed by the number of potential partners in a large city! Have you heard of Coffee Meets Bagel? It’s a dating app that shows you only one match per day, selected from the friends of your Facebook friends. I used it for a little while and it wasn’t nearly as intimidating as, say, OK Cupid or Tinder.

       Also, if you haven’t seen it, Ginger Hale has a great series on sobriety in the city.

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     • Hi! I’m a young queer in the bay area and i feel like so much of the queer community here is focused around drinking culture that when you are sober it can be really hard to get in to the community. I’m underage and also there’s a lot of alcoholism in my family so my tendency is toward avoiding alcohol, and meeting people can be really hard! Truthfully, I’ve met most of my friends by hosting autostraddle meetups! Hosting one is a great way to meet people, and if you plan it you’re in control of where it is (ie, not a bar.) And if you host it, the queers will come.

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142. @laneia: do your sons remind you of your ex husband? Are they excited for the wedding?

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     • hello hgn2!

       my sons do remind me of my ex-husband a lot of times! slade has his laugh and other mannerisms, which is super odd because they don’t live in the same house and haven’t for years, so that’s actually kind of neat in a nature/nurture way. and eli looks a lot like him. i guess in a more existential way they remind me of him and us and being who i was and trying so hard and being really young and making it all up as we went, and they remind me of that blind hope i still sometimes have to have. they remind me of a lot of things i never want to forget.

       they’re excited for the wedding, yes! as excited as two people who aren’t the ones getting married could be, i think. i keep trying to stay really chilled about it around them so they have an example to pull from when/if they’re faced with wedding planning or marriage planning or just any sort of mostly-last-minute planning that feels important and scary and amazing all at once. i mean i’m failing sometimes, but i’m still trying.

       thanks for asking about my kids! i could talk about them all day forever =)

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143. Little question, big question:

     For anyone who has opinions about glasses: I will be picking out new spectacles soon and want something great. What? How? Where? I will not be able to take a friend with me for advice this time.

     For Mallory or other people with seriously religious parents and a good sense of boundaries: I am anxious about coming out to my (church-leaders, now-progressive-ish-but-raised-me-in-seriously-backwards-religion) parents, but even more anxious about ever telling my ordained parent that I do not want them to perform my hypothetical wedding, to give me a religious funeral, etc.–I want them to be my parent, but not my pastor.

     Is that something I can even say? How? We have a really good relationship; why do I want to ruin it? (They know I am atheist but still assume they will be doing all family weddings, etc.) (I am a fully independent adult human who lives far away; I am not getting wedding-ed any time soon.)

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     • I’m only going to take on your little question and leave the bigger ones to folks with more experience.

       IMO, glasses are one thing you are allowed to be as obnoxious and neurotic as you want when choosing, because they are LITERALLY ON YOUR FACE ALL THE TIME. (I used this same justification for buying a pair of frames that were more than 2x what I budgeted. *blush*)

       If you’ve got that fancy vision insurance thing, I strongly suggest you find the biggest optical shop that your insurance takes and basically try on every frame in the store. The specific size and shape of glasses, and the way they sit on your face can completely change how you look, and it’s hard (at least for me) to estimate if something will be cute unless i’m actually looking in the mirror.

       You also need to decide how your glasses will integrate into your personal look. Are you the kind of person (like me) for whom their glasses are iconic of your individual style? If so, think about something bold- plastic frames, rhinestones, bold colors, or just a funky frame shape that sets off your eyes. Are you more about letting the natural shape of your face shine through? Then maybe wire-frames or rimless will be more your style.

       Oh, and as a random aside, if you work at a computer all day, I can’t recommend enough getting an anti-glare coating. It will do wonders to save your eyes from exhaustion!

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     • Have you seen the online things where you can upload your face and try glasses on digitally? My whole family is obsessed with Zenni Optical. I recommend that, to try different shapes and see what generally looks good! Also the prices are pretty good, so if you don’t like something you can just order another pair. (I swear they’re not paying me to say this.)

       I think if the hypothetical wedding is something you need to get off your chest or it will keep you up at night, you should go for it. But also: both your hypothetical wedding and funeral are probably a long ways off. My feelings about religion have changed multiple times since coming out, and yours might too. If there’s no urgent need, I’d be inclined to wait a bit. You can always decide to tell them later on if you still feel the same way. It’ll be a lot harder to take back once its been said, though.

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     • Hi miskate! I think sometimes when you’re on the verge of coming out, it can feel like an overwhelming burden that’s about to be lifted, and you want to talk about EVERYTHING. “And I’ve never liked it when you do X! And I don’t want to do Y! And sometimes you assume that I like doing Z together, but I NEVER HAVE, NOT EVEN ONCE!” It’s a sense of overcorrection – since you’ve been keeping so much to yourself that you want to share with them, it can be tempting to want to offload everything you haven’t said all in one go.

       But people can only handle so much truth at a time! So I think that maybe the conversation about not wanting your folks to officiate your various ceremonies is something that should come after your coming out. Since you’re not currently planning on throwing a wedding, it’s a conversation that can wait for now.

       When it DOES come up, I’m of two minds: You can just tell them after you announce your engagement “We’re planning on getting married at [WHEREVER] and [PASTOR NOTMYDAD] will be officiating.” If you tell them in a light but firm way, you make it clear it’s not something that’s up for discussion (though they may still want to talk about it). Or you can tell them before there’s an actual ceremony on the horizon that you’d really like them to be at your wedding as your parents, not as pastors.

       It’s probably a conversation that’s going to involve a lot of tricky emotions! It can feel particularly loaded and difficult when your parents react emotionally to something you tell them – it’s easy for something to go from 1 to 10 in a matter of minutes because this has to do with their sense of identity, their relationship to you as parents, and their dreams for your future. And it’s something that will eventually require a lot of kind firmness from you – “Here’s what I want.” “Here’s what I’m willing – and not willing – to do.” “I understand you feel that way, and I thank you for sharing that with me, but that can’t change my decision.”

       It’s difficult, you know? It’s one thing to hold your emotional ground, but it’s another thing to do so without reverting to however you reacted to your parents as a child, to do it without losing your temper, to do it without crying or getting upset.

       If your parents already know that you’re an atheist (you don’t mention anything about their reaction but it sounds like they’ve handled it fairly well) it might not be as surprising for them that you might not want a church wedding someday. It’s going to be an ongoing conversation, I think. You’re sharing more of your reality with them, and that’s going to require patience and time but will hopefully result in a more honest and loving relationship. Something that I think is important to remember is that you will be okay no matter how upset or frustrated or disappointed your parents act. They’re not perfect; they might throw tantrums or ask stupid questions or try to make demands of you that you’re not willing to fulfill, and you don’t have to do anything about that but tell the truth and hold fast to your own decisions. I hope very much that you’re able to come out to your parents in a way and a time that feels right for you, and that they’re able to respond in the best way possible.

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     • Thanks so much, @maribrighe, @laura-m, and @malloryelis! The combination of your excellent advice and some examination of my gut “but–but–but–!” reaction has led to some serious insight AND an A+ attack plan for my trip to the optometrist this weekend. (Seriously, Mari, a million thanks for endorsing anti-glare coating, which I always debate, and silencing my inner cheapskate.)

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144. @laura-m do you have any advice for a 16-year-old queer girl aspiring to a science-y future career?

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     • Take lots of science and math classes but *also* try and take a writing class or two. Being able to communicate clearly is super important in STEM, and if you learn to do it effectively early on, you’ll be miles ahead of many people.

       Also, befriend other geeky girls and try to help each other! I think a thing that happens in a lot of science-y fields is that women are constantly being compared to each other and pitted as rivals. It really sucks. Instead of falling for that trap, you should band together and pull each other up, because a) men are always helping other men out to the exclusion of women, and you need to counteract it, and b) geeky women are awesome! Why would you not want to be friends with them, you know? You’ll learn so much from each other!

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145. My best friend broke up with her girlfriend and confided in me about a lot of the fucked up shit her gf said/did to her. Now they are trying to make it work and I’m finding it really hard to be supportive. I know its not my place to tell her how to live her life but I don’t want to see her hurt again. Help?

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     • Hi @awsedrft!
       It looks like you’ve already got a great start in knowing that it is not your place to tell her what to do- this is hard to do, especially when you care about a person! I have a similar situation with a friend who also confided with me and is now head over heels in love with this same person who fucked her over. So, I totally understand. It is hard to standby and watch it happen, especially when you that if it doesn’t work again, they’ll come back to you and you’ll be feeling like, “I love you girl, but I told you so.”

       It is okay for you to be honest with her. You can let her know that you love her and you will support her as a friend. Realize that supporting her as a friend does not necessarily mean being a cheerleader for every decision she makes and it is totally okay to approach with caution. Be happy for her happiness, be sad for her in sadness. Use your discernment to decide when it is time for you to hold ’em and when it is time for you to fold ’em. As friends, we like to be a voice of reason from the outside looking in, and often times our friends need that, but at the right time and in the right dosage. So, like I said, support her, be happy for her, be sad with her, be a voice of reason when needed…and most importantly, don’t allow yourself to become to weighed down with the choices she has or is making. I hope this is helpful!

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     • I think you have to assess whether your friend was just venting about their ex or the relationship was emotionally/verbally/physically abusive.

       Relationships have up and downs. If your friend was just telling you about the bad parts because she was upset, then that’s natural. I’m pretty sure everyone eventually shit-talks their ex to make it easier to move forward. When your friend gets back together with someone who you have heard such shitty things about, though, it can be challenging.

       If you have reason to believe that the girlfriend is actually abusive, then you need to provide your friend with support and any local resources that may benefit her in figuring out how to proceed. But remember that people may have reasons for not wanting to leave abusive relationships that are difficult for people on the outside to understand, even if leaving is ultimately what is best for her.

       If your friend was just shit-talking, then it’s up to you to continue to be the awesome friend that you’ve been. If you think this person isn’t a good fit for your friend, you can choose to vocalize that, but be aware that it can have repercussions.

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146. Hi! I am so glad you’re here, Autostraddle. And I’m so glad I’m here. And I’m so glad this thing exists in the world because it really is just such a special space. hashtag mushy squishy feelings.

     So! My question, for everyone:
     How do you write? What are your personal writing habits? Do you do morning pages? Do you set aside specific chunks of time or just fit it in when you can? Do you use google docs? microsoft word? something else? How do you keep from getting distracted? / how do you handle the inevitable distractions from writing?

     Answers pertaining to whatever kind of writing — for AS, for some other publication, creative writing just for yourself, academic writing, etc etc etc — are welcome!

     I used to write a lot! I was actually pretty good! And I still have a lot of ideas. Good ones, I think! But I’ve fallen out of a rhythm and now every time I try to write I feel like I’m trying to run a 10k without training at all (which side note is a thing I did last year at age 28 and oh man was it different than when I did that at age 20).

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     • Hi Jen! This is a great question, especially considering the wide range of writers we have here at AS.

       I tend to write best right after my morning tea or in the evening…with more tea :)
       My best writing happens when I am feeling especially inspired, passionate or connected to something, otherwise I get really bad writers block and become easily distracted. Whenever I come up with an idea or need to write something but I am not in an idea situation for writing, I’ll keep notes in my iPhone or make a voice note for myself to check later. I’m 28 and I did not realize how much of an outlet writing would be for me until I started my blog “Life in 27” which is now a part of my regular blog/website. But I found it so therapeutic and people seemed to really enjoy and appreciate my voice, but I had to remind myself to write only when I felt it and not because I felt I had to. When I started writing because I felt like I had to, my writing was crappy and I had to go on hiatus. Is this helpful at all? I hope so!

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     • aw these are such good questions jen i love talking about writing!

       when it comes to autostraddle writing, i can usually bang it out with relative ease and even with other things going on, which i think is mostly just because i’ve had SO much practice at this point. the ideal environment for writing is with just music on, sitting at my desk, and a convenient stretch of time where no one else needs anything in terms of editing or questions answered or anything. often this isn’t realistic, and i’m sitting on my couch with SVU on and there are like three people who need things from me.

       in terms of personal/creative writing, i often need a a way more specific environment, i guess because it takes more out of me? i definitely can’t have netflix on, often have to turn my internet off using Freedom, and sometimes even have to “lock” my phone with Forest. I wish I did morning pages or had an idyllic regular writing practice where I woke up at 4 am every day and wrote while watching the sun rise or something, but unfortunately it’s more like “when I can find the time.”

       For creative writing I usually use Scrivener backed up to google drive, because I really like its organizational features and the word count and the way I can work on just a tiny bit of text at a time. for autostraddle work i used to just write straight into WordPress, but lately wordpress has deleted my work halfway through sometimes and so I’ve been writing in google docs instead!

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     • I live a weirdly haphazardly organized life because I’m a graduate student who works from home. I try really hard to follow the natural inclinations of my brain and body because I find I’m generally more productive than when I try to force some kind of arbitrary schedule.

       I have a daily goal of 3000 words. I don’t get fussy about what those words are. Sometimes they’re all or part of an essay. Sometime they’re newsy journo pieces. Sometimes they’re a short story. I’m SUPER excited when they’re for one of the two novels I’m working on. I don’t *always* hit the goal, and some days I do 3x my goal. I just try my best to be open to writing any time the inspiration strikes. I also try really hard to never cut myself off, and just write until I longer have words left. I’ve really wrecked some good fiction writing because I couldn’t pick up the idea trail from where I left off.

       Oh, and I’m obnoxious about carrying my notebook. I can usually jot down ideas about essays in something like Evernote, but my fiction writing HAS to get physically written in the notebook since those ideas evolve over a much longer scale.

       When it comes to my actual technical details, I pretty much exclusively write in google docs. Even back when I was just writing for my own blog, I had WordPress eat thousands of words on me more often than I’d like to admit, and I’ve opted for what feelings like the safest option. :)

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     • Tough one! I have tried to ‘train’ myself to write but I have realized that I can’t do that. I can only write when I feel:
       1)mad about something-mostly about a social issue
       2)when i feel passionate about something and want people to feel my happiness
       3)when i feel the urge to document a story or a moment so it is not forgotten

       I see writing as a direct action, a way to respond all the bs I see around. For me writing has a political purpose. So I would ask myself: ‘Why do I write?’ and after that I would make a list about the things that ‘move me to write’. You can have all of this written down on a list and have it with you, it will help you focus!

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     • I use Google Docs because a) WordPress likes to eat things, and b) I can sneakily work on writing at my desk at work. Shh, don’t tell anyone.

       I do most of my writing (and researching to write) on the couch with my girlfriend next to me and a TV show playing in the background. Multitasking like this is the only way I’m able to fit everything I want into my life, especially with a 40hr a week job. When I’m ready to polish something or really need to give a piece my full attention, I set my alarm to wake up at an ungodly early hour and write/edit in complete silence.

       I don’t necessarily recommend this approach.

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     • hello this is some unsolicited advice!

       + i used to keep a journal and i miss my journal and you should keep a journal. that way, you’re never sitting around like “ugh, i wanna write this in my personal tumblr but like, my phone autocorrects all my lowercase i’s into capital i’s and i hate that and it’ll make this so slow, i am gonna write it at home instead” and then you’re like, whoops, i never wrote that but i finished a bag of white cheddar popcorn.

       + i’m getting really into doing stuff somewhere else. i live in a new house now and i really love just going downstairs to work or even read, or walking to the coffee shop to write. nothing seems super far and it’s all super cute and i can be in a special not-at-home zone where, granted, my dog isn’t but neither are all of the reminders of my life! like the closet i wanna clean or all those suitcases i haven’t emptied out yet.

       + i used to get really stuck on things and have to wait for inspiration and etc. etc. but now i try to do this thing where i power through it, without placeholder text (sometimes when i’m writing i’ll skip a thought and write like ELABORATE ON THIS in its place and like, no, don’t do that), and then i walk away and drink some water or eat some white cheddar popcorn and then i come back and read it or even let other people read it first and i’m like, ugh oh my god i totes know what i was going for here! and then i edit, revise, and often start to see the bigger picture a lot more clearly because the rain is gone etc.

       + i tell myself i want to be a morning writer, but it hasn’t happened yet.

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     • JEN, YOU’RE HERE!!! SO EXCITED THAT YOU ARE HERE!!!

       I don’t have good answers. I’m a horrible, horrible, but somehow marginally effective multi-tasker.

       I have to set deadlines for my AS writing and any writing I do for grad school, work, etc, or it will never get done. I’m a fast thinker and typer and I can just whip something up in 30 min – 2 hours if I have uninterrupted time. But uninterrupted time is hard to come by. Often, there are several other things competing for attention. I typically type into a Word doc or directly into WordPress with frequent copies and saves for AS.

       I write best when I just carve out the time for it. Unfortunately, this is typically when I have a hard deadline about to expire or already expired. I think that stress gives me permission to put everything else down in my life and just write. I often turn on music to help keep my brain moving and to filter out other noises and distractions. Instrumental jazz or classical or albums that I’ve played so many times that I don’t even think about the lyrics.

       Creative writing is what I’d love to do more of, but I never make time for. Most people I know who are successful at it structure time into their day—often in the a.m. right after they get up—for a daily writing practice. When I do find time to write for myself, it is usually because something particularly inspired me. Often, it is hearing or reading other poets’ work that gets me going. Also, reading and editing my own work can get me in the mood.

       I’m pretty sure the key is just to force yourself to do it. Even if what you produce is crap. Even if it is just staring at blank screen for 30 minutes thinking about writing. Kind of like training for a triathlon, actually, I imagine. You just keep at it until it starts to feel like you’re hitting your stride.

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147. Oh, oh I thought of another questions. Again, open to all and any suggestion.

     I’m in the final year of my uni degree (that’s college for all y’all Americans) this year, and a super fun (hear the sarcasm) part of it, is a year long industry project. As if that ain’t stressful enough, it’s a group project, and I’m working with seven of my uni friends. EEEEEK!!

     I’ve been elected the team leader, hoorah! But there’s an issue that has already come up and it’s really stressing me out!! One of my friends basically has a big stick up her bum, and is making life miserable for all, but especially me. I know she wanted to be team leader, and I think she’s pretty cut that I got unanimously voted in – I get it, that would make me a feel a little crap too.

     But she’s been undermining me a lot, including specifically having group discussions when I am not there, and making decisions for the group. We’re meant to be a democracy, making decisions together, with me facilitating those discussions. It’s only 5 weeks into this project, which ends in October, and there is already so much discontent. It’s not how and I my friends (minus the icky one) wanted this to be, and I’m worried this is going to end up with in-fighting and drama – the very last thing any of us want or need.

     I guess my question is, how do I deal with this friend? It’s hard because she’s extremely combative and doesn’t take constructive criticism well. SEND HALP PLS!

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     • ZOE. this sucks i’m sorry! this is why group projects should be banned internationally. i’m going to start a change.org petition about it.

       here’s the thing: i’m sorry but i think you’ve gotta talk to your friend. “friend.” pick a neutral meeting spot, like a cafe or bar, and invite her for a coffee or beer totally naturally and friendly-like, without mentioning the group project. once you’re there, you’ve gotta just say like “hey listen it seems like based on [x and y and z] you’ve been upset about how this group project is shaking out.” and then see what she says! in an ideal world she would say something like “you’re right, and here’s why,” and the reason she gives is something you can totally deal with and fix, like it’s a tiny thing like she doesn’t like the color of the folders you’ve been using to organize papers. probably in real life it will not be quite that easy, but it’s also possible that she will at least feel heard and it will get some of the tension out of the air.

       it’s also possible she will be SUPER passive-aggressive about this and be like “no everything’s fine! it’s SO GREAT i love this group project I LOVE IT.” in that case this will be a bit harder, because what you’ll have to do is wait until the next time she does something super obnoxious like meet without you, and then you’ll have to talk to her directly AGAIN and be like “ok so if you’re not upset why are you doing this.” worst-case scenario is that the entire group has to write out a list of best practices for the group, rules like “any decision has to be made with a consensus of all group members.” i hope it doesn’t come to that but also, Zoe, if it does, it’s only going to last until October! I know that seems interminable now but i promise this too shall pass. good luck!

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       • Dear Rachel, thank you for your kind advice. You are a very calming person. I wrote my post in quite a rage this morning, after a frustrating team meeting. And reading your words definitely calmed me down, as have past words you have written on this site.

         Yes, group projects do suck! There are a lot of them in my degree, so that’s great….

         It definitely is a learning curve for all of us in how to navigate this project, and I really like some of your ideas.

         You are most definitely right about needing to have a super chill, on the qt chat. Just makes me super nervous, bc I can kind of guess how she will react. But I guess the best thing to do is go in with a clear mind, try not to have preconceived ideas of how the conversation will roll along.

         Thank you!!

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     • I’m so sorry you have to deal with this! It doesn’t sound like she’s being a friend to you at all. On the contrary, it sounds like she’s much more interested in pursuing her own agenda and gaining power within the group. Personally, I’d kindly but clearly let her know how her behavior is perceived, that it’s unacceptable to you and if she keeps doing it you can’t collaborate with her. Ultimately, if she fails to take this into account, the rest of you could decide to ignore her. Good luck!

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148. I’d really love some advice about how to navigate having ‘issues’ when it comes to dating (or even making new friends). At this stage I am very isolated and have no one that I would classify as close to me. Part of the reason for that is that I have a number of issues that I don’t like to discuss but yet feel like if people don’t know them they don’t really know me or understand who I am. I tend to be afraid to raise these because I have been judged in regards to these for most of my life. I find that hard to take given that for the most part my issues are not things I have control over (e.g. a history of abuse or being related to someone with a less than pleasant criminal history). Consequently I tend to have no close relationships, but it feels very isolating.
     So, I guess I would like some advice on whether and when you think it’s important to raise those kind of issues when beginning a relationship or friendship.
     Thanks

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     • Personally I do not think it’s important to raise those issues at the beginning of a friendship or at the baby beginning of a relationship unless they will come up almost immediately for whatever reason. If you’re afraid to tell people a thing, it is okay to wait to tell them. There are different types of friendships and relationships, and in some you might decide to never share certain things and in others you might share those right away and in others you might share them after a little while, and whether those things are “issues” or a love of dinosaur antiquing, it’s okay. Take care of yourself, let the friendships/relationships happen, and if/when you feel safe enough to share then share, but only if you actually want to.

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149. Happy Birthday Autostraddle! Thank you so much for existing – coming out/ learning about myself would have been/be so much more difficult without you. <3

     I have a question about mental health. I have severe anxiety & depression which means that I'm going to end up spending an extra year on my undergrad at uni & has a pretty big effect on my life in general (rarely leaving the house/falling behind on stuff/major fatigue etc). I'm pretty accepting of my situation and don't beat myself up about the big picture too much but find that people invariably act like I'm dying/ are weird around me when it comes up in conversation. I don't want to be secretive about my mental illnesses but this really gets to me. Does anyone have any ideas on how to minimise the amount of excessive sympathy/ treating me like I'm about to break I get from other people?

     On a totally unrelated note, does anyone have any idea about gender neutral pronouns in French? One of my friends/housemates is non-binary & I can't find a way to talk about them without assigning a binary gender which really sucks. At the moment I use their name as often as possible & fudge agreements but this isn't really a viable long-term solution.

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     • Hi, Zovija! The fact that you’re not beating yourself up and about how your mental health has such a big effect on your life is a huge triumph, and I applaud you! In my experience, the best way to keep people from treating you like such a fragile thing is to find a couple of areas that don’t drain you and engage with them in those areas. Like watching movies or talking about books or video games or music. Simple stuff that takes the focus off of you and puts it on a thing that doesn’t take a lot of emotional energy to talk about. Good luck!

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     • Hi Zovija!

       Does your friend/housemate speak French? If they do, you can ask them directly about what pronouns they’d like used for them in French. If not, you can explain to them the options that you know of in French, and ask them what they’d be most comfortable with you using. I feel comfortable you can totally handle that conversation because your question is worded in such a thoughtful, caring and so very aware way. Wish everyone and their mom could address gender neutral pronouns that way <3

       As a side note-ish, I'm genderqueer and use they/them in English as a way of staying gender neutral, but I'm also Venezuelan and g-d knows that Spanish is nothing if not really into gendering everything for no reason whatsoever. As it stands, there's no gender neutral pronoun I can use in spoken Spanish that wouldn't be alienating to folks that have no clue re:genderqueer stuff. Sure, in writing I can use '@' or 'x' to include or negate both genders (for example: Latin@ or Latinx), but no verbal queues exist for that. In that case, I love it when people use male and female pronouns interchangeably as they are speaking to/about me in Spanish. It feels validating and I feel seen, so that might be an option your friend/housemate would like to consider? Another thing to keep in mind is that sometimes I ask for folks to use female pronouns in Spanish (I'm FAAB) as a means of not outing me if I feel unsafe in the space. Using gender neutral pronouns in English can keep things neutral, but languages that rely heavily on the binary can out some of us just by the sheer fact that we are not using the pronoun that everyone thinks we should be using. Maybe your friend has particular boundaries about being outed in specific settings (like: "use all the pronouns when we are at parties! but only these ones in front of my family"), so I'd mention that just to make sure you're both on the same page when it comes to it. Does that make sense?

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150. I need advice on too many things right now, so instead of breaking the page I will just say HAPPY BIRTHDAY, thank you for existing, and thank you also for explaining how to hide the activity stream in the privacy settings. I did not know about that.

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     • Chandra you’re lovely and I always enjoy reading your comments.

       

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       • Laura, your comment made my day, thank you! <3

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     • i would encourage you to maybe enjoy a glass of wine or some nachos, or just a stroll around the block, and then go ahead and ask for the advice. we’ve all had so much coffee and so many snacks in anticipation of this day/night! we are ready for you! but also totally respect your feelings of not sharing etc. xoxox

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       • It’s not so much about not sharing as not having enough time to even think about how to formulate all of the necessary sentences. But thank you anyway! I’m allergic to wine :( but I had some ice cream instead. *Ben & Jerry’s cheers*

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151. Hey Autostraddlers!
     Once again, I’m in awe of the commitment of the AS team to create a safe space for us build understanding and compassion for ourselves and others!
     This brings to mind the saying: “Be the Change You Want to See in the World”. Corny, I know. Just putting it out there, that if we want to still be here to celebrate 10 years of AS in our lives, we need to be that change now. Personally, I’m fortunate to be able to afford to purchase a membership for someone who isn’t in a position to join A+. What would happen if even a small portion of us online today became members? Only good things, I’m 100% certain.
     Along those lines, Riese and team, what are your wildest dreams for the future of Autostraddle? (As in ‘The Secret’ kind of imagine it and it will come into your life?)
     Happy Birthday!!

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     • ftr I told perez hilton in an email when he emailed me about how i’d written about how he could help stop bullying by not being a bully anymore to be the change he wanted to see in the world and then he went on ellen and told her he was going to stop bullying people on his website because he wanted to be the change he wanted to see in the world and i was like PEREZ HILTON DO NOT PRETEND LIKE THAT IDEA CAME OUT OF YOUR OWN HEAD but he did. so my wildest dream would be for perez hilton to admit that he got that from me even though i got it from like um, gandhi or something.

       wildest dreams include so many things, but obviously being able to have a-camp as a business with its own full-time staff that put on camps and similar events year round is a thing. getting writing from more older, established & experienced writers. also a vertical just for grown-ups and a vertical just for kiddos, and an international sister-site. also a few other things that i can’t talk about yet because they are under wraps!

       also i’m serious about the land and the farm / library / camp situation.

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       • Wow! Who knew? I did hear Perez has turned his life around. Another thing the world can thank you for! Not sure if it’s appropriate for this thread, but I’m confused about how to anonymously give a membership. Do I just order a general gift membership? How do I communicate I don’t need the gift certificate emailed to me but rather to pay it forward ? Thanx again for your vision and all you do.

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       • AND THE BIRTHING CENTER. the autostraddleland birthing center.

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         • someday i want to be a midwife and live on a queer commune with a goat farm and also have a birthing center attached to that so let’s make that happen please, autostraddleland birthing center and goat farm, yes?

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152. Hello! I will happily take advantage of all of your advice today.

     How do I get people to believe I’m gay? I don’t fit any of those lesbian stereotypes or anything and I am tired of having a lengthy coming out speech to every new person I encounter. My best friend is a gay man, and we spend time doing stuff like going to gay bars or volunteering for LGBT organizations…and everyone always assumes I am only there to be supportive of him. I’ve had people thank me for being an ally, which is nice, but how do I politely tell everyone that I AM GAY TOO!?!

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     • I like to tell people “This weekend my girlfriend and I did blah blah blah” or “My old girlfriend and I used to go there all the time” or “I write for an LGBTQ website for queermos.” I find this works better than saying “Btw I’m gay” right from the get go.

       That being said if someone assumes you’re straight or thanks you for being an ally it’s perfectly acceptable to be like “Thank you but lol I’m so gay though.”

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     • Also when in doubt, one long feathered earring is pretty effective.

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     • Also, a scissoring sweatshirt.

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     • RAINBOWS. PUT RAINBOWS ON ALL YOUR THINGS.

       I’m not even joking. I didn’t come off as particularly dykey to a lot of folks either, and so I just started making sure I was ALWAYS wearing something that broadcast my queerness, usually in jewelry form. And, then I got a giant fuck-off pride tattoo at the top of my back, and everyone stopped assuming I was straight. :-P

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     • Hi @Colleen! I have this issue quite often myself. This is actually what prompted my “public” coming out. I was tired of people speaking to me about equality issues in a way that was totally unsupportive and also having no idea that they were basically slapping me in the face.
       I went through a phase of feeling like I needed to “look” more “gay”, even my queer friends would say, “you’re the straightest looking of us all.”
       What it really comes down to is just speaking up and making your voice heard. Take it as an opportunity to change people’s opinions and ideals and basically blow their mind. This could be a great time to spark up a conversation. And perhaps you don’t want it to be a big deal or a conversation every time you have to correct someone, that is totally understandable…in that case I would say to charge it to their head (and not knowing), don’t take it personally, correct them and keep it moving…that alone will be enough to blow their mind.
       The bottom line is that, no matter how you present yourself or who you associate yourself with, coming out is an almost continual process because we have yet to live an ideal society where people don’t automatically assume that everyone is straight, Christian and patriotic.

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     • you have to get a notary stamp made that says GAY on it and then before you leave the house you get somebody to put the stamp on your forehead. or you can do it yourself in the mirror if you have good fine motor control in mirrors, which i don’t. i’m sorry it’s the only way.

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     • if somebody doesn’t believe that you’re gay you should scissor them

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153. Y

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     • 

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       • Haha I didn’t even realize this posted. That was just me being bad at typing from my phone.

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154. Happy birthday, you beautiful wild songbirds!

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     • 

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     • YOU’RE A BEAUTIFUL WILD SONGBIRD THAT MADE ME ALMOST CRY

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     • thank you i am beautiful

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155. Happy Birthday!!!! It seems like just yesterday you were just a wee lil babe in arms!!!

     Sooooo advice question-
     I am 42 and am still having issues figuring out what i want to be when i grow up!
     I have always just fallen into jobs. Kind of become a jack of all trades, doing anything from retail, factory and the last 7 years in IT. It feels like i am just going thru life working for a paycheck just to pay bills. None of the career paths have been very soul fulfilling. I do love my arts and crafts. My wifey and i even have a fb page and etsy shop. But do not currently make much profits from anything we make.
     So how do people figure out and live off of thier passions???? Is it possible to even live off my art??? If so, how do I put myself out there while still being able to covers my life expenses???
     Thanks in advance!!!

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     • i think the most important thing is to figure out the best way to fill the hours of your day
       in ways that make you content
       and also pays your bills

       i don’t think everybody gets to make a living off their passion
       i feel like people who can do that are really lucky

       but that doesn’t mean it can’t be a defining element of your life
       it can be a source of community, too
       and an area in which you can learn more and do more
       and take classes or teach classes
       even if it’s not your job

       but i think, especially with all your experience
       you should be able to find a job you enjoy
       a job that challenges you
       and interests you
       and pays the bills
       even if it isn’t a “career” or a “passion”
       i think that’s okay too

       but if you want to be a full-time arts crafter
       then i think you have to look at how much you make now
       and how much more you’d have to produce to live off etsy alone
       and if you think you have the demand to meet it
       and then you go from there, right?
       i feel like there is probs a book about that.

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       • Thank you for replying Riese!

         You are right that the ppl that find thier passion are truely lucky! My wifey has been a union stagehand going on 25 years now. I see her occasionally stuggle with frustration but when i see her in her element it is a joy and magnificent to view.
         Does Autostraddle do any type of “advertising” or promoting of small business or individual types?

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156. hello autostraddle it is me tinkerbell.

     my mother riese has a girlfriend who wants a dog.
     however she does not want a small, perfect and cute dog like me
     instead abby wants a larger dog that she can take on hikes

     riese prefers small dogs, because as you can see by looking at my picture,
     we are very perfect and adorable
     but abby will be the main dog caretaker and therefore would like a larger dog

     does anybody have ideas or notions regarding a good compromise dog
     the dog should be housebroken b/c riese does not have time for that shit
     also we live in a small apartment (which is nice for small perfect dogs like me)
     also she is allergic so it should not be too hairy
     also it shouldn’t be scary when the dog opens its mouth and has slobbery slob coming out of its large wet tongue

     thank you
     love tinkerbell

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     • You should tell Riese to get a great dane. They are adorable lazy lap dogs 90% of the time, but they also love to hike and go for walks. They are totally adorable gentle giants. The best part is their head is approximately the size of an adorable lap dog and they like to sit with just their head in your lap while you watch TV

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     • hi tinkerbell,

       i think that your mom should have this dog. not like this breed, but this actual dog. it’s from this tv show Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt which you may have heard of. if this dog had an okcupid profile it would proudly state how much it enjoys pizza and how Team Purple is the best color wars team.

       

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       • brianna makes a solid argument here.

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     • Tinkerbell!

       Did you know that one of Autostraddle’s very own interns is a bit of a dog enthusiast? I have a dog dictionary and everything. I would take dog quizzes and can name a large amount of dog breeds. Shhh…this is my little secret with you tinkerbell.

       Well, my gut instinct was a Welsh Corgi because 1. They are big dogs in a small dog body 2. ADORABLE 3. I’m sorry they shake their butt when they get excited, like how can you just not love them. #twerk BUT BUT. If Riese is allergic, this will be a huge problem. DO NOT LISTEN to people who say Corgi’s only shed once or twice a year. IT IS A LIE. THEY SHED ALL YEAR LONG.

       Smaller type dogs: Bulldog, French Bulldog, Dachshund, Shiba Inu, Italian Greyhound, Boston Terrier
       Medium Dogs that maybe would be okay: Vizsla, Labradoodle – may or may not shed a lot, Springer Spaniel,

       Most of the ones I listed are purebreeds but I support local human societies and finding a breed that is mixed with some of the breeds mentioned. Mixed breeds are often healthier and live longer.

       I hope this kinda helps!

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     • Hi Tinkerbell!

       Let me tell you the story of Tango: one day, this queer decided to adopt a dog. That queer wanted a big, bear-like dog, and searched high and low for one just like that. The queer wanted a MASSIVE dog so badly, they even downloaded petfinder as an app on their phone: they would search for bear-dog on it during bathroom breaks, they would search for it in line at the grocery, they would search in the morning first thing and right before going to bed at night. Then, THEN, one day the perfect dog appeared on the Pacific Heights SPCA website (this queer had bookmarked the SPCA website on their phone) so the queer ran, nay, borderline flew to the SPCA. When they got there, the staff was amazing (seriously, go over there) and worked with the queer to figure out what dog was gonna be perfect for them. Among the dogs they suggested, bear-dog was one of the options! So, the queer asked to see bear-dog and met bear-dog and it turned out bear-dog was just a dog and the queer was just a human holding a treat. It was very, hmm, underwhelming. So, for fun, the queer asked to see this other random, lanky tiny excuse for a dog. Do you know love at first sight, Tinkerbell? Because let me tell you, tiny dog did, and the second she was set free in the meet-up room she just ran to this queer, jumped on their lap and turned belly up, wagging her tail like there was no tomorrow. It was love at first sight for tiny dog and love at first belly rub for the queer: they are living happily ever after.

       That whole story is to tell you that maybe, MAYBE, Riese and Abby will end up with a perfect big dog, or maybe, MAYBE they’ll end up with another small perfect dog like you. You just don’t need to worry because there’s no telling -they’ll know when they find the right dog and then there will be no “but it’s too [whatever size].”

       Needless to say, Tango the tiny dog is my dog and she’s small enough that she fits in my hoodie and there’s still extra space for another human to cuddle with us. I really wanted a big dog, but I can in all honestly tell you I cannot imagine my life with a dog other than Tango.

       The main thing I can suggest then is that you meet as many dogs that Riese and/or Abby like as possible. I know folks who just went with the first dog they sort of agreed on, and it was more about ending the argument than about finding the right dog, which made for less than ideal situations. Also, NO PUPPIES, because they really don’t know their butt from their face so housebreaking them is a small disaster the first couple of weeks. Go for a dog 10 months or older (Tango was 10 months when I got her, that was the youngest I was willing to go because I know puppies are as messy as they are cute).

       Finally, I know you’re based in the Bay Area at the moment, so go to the Pac Heights SPCA if you get a chance -even if you don’t adopt from them, their staff is so helpful and knowledgeable, I’m sure they’ll help you narrow down your search re:size, breed and energy level.

       Best of luck! I assure you will be elated (and not scared) when Riese and Abby find the right dog, no matter the size.
       <3

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       • The Pac Heights SPCA is really amazing, I live nearby and sometimes I just go to look at the adorable animals. The staff are SO NICE.

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     • Oh wait, and apparently two more things: if there’s no way you can agree to a dog bigger than you, maybe try foster-to-adopt programs around the Bay, where you can take a dog home for a couple of days and love it and care for it, and then return it if it’s not a good fit!

       A really finally: whatever dog you bring home, wash them IMMEDIATELY. When I adopted Tango I freaked out because I thought I was deathly allergic to her the first night and it just turned out that she was dirty and hadn’t been bathed in a while. I bathe her every month and we have yet to freak out about allergies again.

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     • ok look, first of all, riese should really know by now that showing pictures and videos of my dog to abby will make her like small dogs more. i have found this to be true forever, even though i’ve never asked. some things, you just know. riese have you tried this, i can send some along.

       a terrier could be a nice energetic pick with the playfulness and fun of a big dog! also, some are kind of large! maybe something like a terrier or a hound dog, really, plus then you get to sing that song! https://www.purina.com/dogs/dog-breeds/collections/medium-sized-dog-breeds

       also, i adopted my dog and he came potty trained and also able to sit and also so fuzzy you could die. unrelated, but important.

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       • “So fuzzy you could die” is so v important.

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       • i agree the energy level compatibility of your beloved beast friend is a good thing to focus on, not too energetic for you two but not too lazy either. you cold adopt an older dog! they are so chill and mellow! i can recommend a corgi-lab mix as having great personalities, affectionate and able to romp around but not crazy high energy.

         so excited for your new dog! dogs are the best ever.

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     • Maybe a cocker spaniel? I’ve heard those are really good dogs for people with allergies, and they are medium size. My sister had one and he loved hiking. Also, they are really cute!

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     • tell riese that my 5 lb hypoallergenic rescue yorkie loves hiking.

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     • An alaskan klee kai. Mini sort of huskies. Theyre active but not as huge as other dogs.

       Ps Milo the monkey suggests a monkey holding a banana.

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     • Schnauzers: miniature, standard or giant.

       Temperament is similar to terriers, but they are not hunting dogs.
       They are fantastic companions.

       Shed very little and require regular grooming.

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157. hey @lizz it’s me, rachel. i’m wondering if you have any advice for someone who lent someone a sweat shirt a long time ago, like literally years, and hasn’t seen it since. i mean maybe they’ve SEEN it in that they’ve like visually perceived it a picture of someone else wearing the sweatshirt on social media, but they don’t actually have their sweatshirt. also just hypothetically if it was very soft and comfy sweatshirt. what advice would you have for that person.

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     • im like lol x 1000

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     • I’m not sure. A sweatshirt as nice as that one was probably stolen by another friend and taken to Atlanta.

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158. HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUTOSTRADDLE I’M GLAD YOU WERE BORN!!!!!!!!!!!!

     this question is for anyone –
     how do i get the lid on my Brita water pitcher to stay on? any relating stories or advice would be so helpful.

     love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE MOST!

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     • 

       Also: I’m really into my faucet mounted Pur water filter. Because you don’t have to plan ahead at all, you just hit the lever and then turn the tap on.

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       • That is such an engineer answer.

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     • Duct tape is the magic fix for all things. :)

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     • i’m sorry but the only solution i have found is to find peace with the fact that i have to hold the top of my water pitcher on with my hand when i pour it. if you think about it, it’s really sort of like an opportunity for a really zen awareness of the the task at hand, you know?

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     • In my experience this is not something possible. This is a mystery that has eluded man for generations. Maybe two generations. I don’t think brita filters have been around that long.

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     • they have those Brita filters you can affix to your faucet now so ALL your water is filtered and you don’t have to keep on sticking your filter back in the fridge or wherever!

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     • I think you go…is it supposed to move? yes=leave it alone. No=duct tape. Ia it supposed to stay in place? No=wd40 yes=leave it alone. Lol #dadanswers

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159. Hi @doubleornothing I would really like to hear your advice on how to have a healthy, happy dog while working full time and living alone. Right now I live at home and work 15mins away so I’m able to stop by my house on break. However, I know this will not always be the case and am concerned about how to handle a new situation in the future. I have a 3 year old lab dane mix who needs a lot of space.

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     • Hi Rachel!

       You have a couple of options (some which garner more approval from other people than others, but you do you):
       1. Get a dog walker. They can drop by once a day and take your dog for a walk and socialize them and generally be awesome.

       2. Dog daycare is a thing that exists, but after reading many articles about the things that can go wrong, I’d suggest only go for this option if you do some serious research and find a place that you trust would take care of a newborn baby -because otherwise I’d fear they don’t have the kindness necessary to take care of however many dogs they have at once.

       3. Start a serious exercise routine and get a piddle pad. This is my option. I cannot afford a dog walker and I don’t want my dog to go bonkers throughout the day, so I wake up 30min before I used to get ready and go for a run with her (or play catch at a nearby park, or take her to the dog park if I’m starting my day a little later). Some of my friends have a pool and have their dog do laps before they leave -all this to have her nice and tired while they are gone between 6 – 8hrs. This is by no means ideal, but it has worked exceptionally well for us. For extra care, I go on hikes with her both on Saturday and Sunday, so she’s treated to some extra nature time and starts the week already in that nice and calmed mood. The piddle pad comes in handy in that there is no way she can hold her pee for 6-8 hrs, so I got one at Petco that is just fake grass with a bottom you can remove to wash every other day. After training her for a week, it works wonders when I’m not home and she still waits to go outside to pee when I’m actually home to take her out.

       All that said, you know your dog’s energy level better than anyone else (labs are usually super high energy, in my experience), so your mileage might vary. I have a friend with a pitbull who only gets enough exercise if she goes along on her bicycle, so that’s what she does in the morning before work. Of course, another walk right when you get home helps bring everything full circle.

       How does that sound to you?

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       • I’m considering getting a dog when I start my phd because I’ll probably be lonely and exhausted from life and will eventually spend 24/7 locked in my apartment just writing and could use some company/distraction.

         BUT do you think breed is really important in this decision? Are some dogs better to stay home alone for long stretches of time/need less exercise/do better in smaller apartments?

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         • Yes! Breed and size are important, particularly when you have SUCH a specific lifestyle. I recommend going to your local pound and start noticing what dogs you feel best with -meet a couple and discuss your needs with the staff, they are usually pretty helpful.

           When I adopted Tango I gave the staff the worst possible scenario (only half an hour of undivided attention a day, plus 5 or 10 min here and there to walk her) and they were really supportive in helping me find the right dog. Shelter staff never want a pup to be returned, so they are usually almost (if not equally) as invested in helping people find the right match.

           Best of luck! I cannot recommend it enough. Tango keeps me company and reminds me that even when I’m exhausted I have options: I can stay in bed and never go outside, or I can avoid cleaning her pee in some corner of the house by going for that 10 min walk. Works wonders when work or a breakup threaten to turn you into a hermit.

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           • Thank you! <3

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     • Also, what is your dog’s name and can you upload a picture? This is very important for me because I love looking at/learning about other people’s pets.

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       • Thank you Danii! His name is Brody. Now that it is finally getting warmer outside walks can happen twice a day and he can still do laps around the backyard to burn off extra energy. We’ve never used a piddle pad but that is a good idea on days I can’t make it home and Doggy Daycare makes me nervous for the same reasons you presented.

         

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         • OMG Brody is oh so precious. Here’s Tango’s first picture (like, when I adopted her):
           

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           • so cute!!

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           • Your dogs are such sweethearts awe

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160. Fashion-y advice needed: I love ties, specifically vintage ties. I can’t leave an interesting one behind in a thrift store. But, so far they just hang in my room – because I love the patterns but can’t figure out how to wear them. I’m somewhere in the tomboy-femme range. While I love the look on other adorable humans, the buttoned-up button-down just doesn’t seem to fit me. Is there any other way I can sport these ties, without automatically bringing to mind Avril Lavigne? Like, if I wear a tie and a v-neck tee, is that just going to be ridiculous automatically. I usually have a pretty good handle on these things, I think, but maybe I am blinded by tie-love.

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     • Hi @EGee! First let me say, thank you for knowing that wearing a tie and a v-neck is a definite no-no…don’t do that. One thing I have seen some of my tie-wearing friends do is wear a button up, but not all the way buttoned up…this way, you can still do the tie, but still be able to breathe and maybe miss the whole “avril lavigne” thing that you’re trying to avoid.
       Ties also make great headbands and belts.
       If you don’t figure out what to do with them, then you can also send them to me. I will make good use of them and send you pictures…but I won’t send the ties back, sorry.

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       • Djuan, thank you for the advice! The not-quite-buttoned look may need to become my signature. I’ll give it a go! If it doesn’t work out, my ties are yours. :)

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161. Happy Birthday!

     Here are some questions:

     a) What are some non-fiction books that you like to read?

     b) Is trans*scribe going to come back someday?

     c) How time/energy consuming are interviews vs. other types of writing? The interviews here are always really interesting and I’d love to read more of them.

     d) What is your advice for getting through the middle parts of long and/or difficult projects?

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     • a) Right now I’m reading Gaming At The Edge and it’s fascinating! This summer I read “Sister Citizen” by MHP and I learned so much. Also I’m reading a book about the history of and science of glass, and I keep thinking about it as I walk around. There’s so much glass in NYC.

       d) Make an outline, then chop it up and make deadlines for yourself to complete each part.

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       • What’s the title of the glass book? That sounds fascinating!

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         • Glass:: From The First Mirror To Fiber Optics, The Story Of The Substance That Changed The World

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       • Have you seen this essay:

         https://medium.com/@sailorhg/coding-like-a-girl-595b90791cce

         It’s more about programming than about gaming, but I suspect there’s a lot of overlap.

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     • To A) The Looming Tower by Lawrence Wright, Clipping Through by Leigh Alexander, Conundrum by Jan Morris, 102 Minutes, Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed, Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. That should be a good range.

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       • Tiny Beautiful Things was great!

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     • a) here are some non-fiction books that i have liked to read:

       The Empathy Exams: Essays, by Leslie Jamison

       How to Slowly Kill Yourself and Others in America, by Kiese Laymon

       Appetites: Why Women Want, by Caroline Knapp

       Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers: A History of Lesbian Life in Twentieth-Century America, by Lillian Faderman

       Two or Three Things I Know for Sure, by Dorothy Allison

       Savage Inequalities: Children in America’s Schools, by Jonathon Kozol

       The Night of the Gun: A Reporter Investigates the Darkest Story of his Life–His Own, by David Carr

       Without a Net: The Female Experience of Growing Up Working Class (Live Girls), by Michelle Tea

       Also anything by Joan Didion

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     • b) trans*scribe was a themed essay series we did for about two months at the top of 2012 — part of the idea was to get more trans women writers in our network… and it worked! i mean trans*scribe was basically essays by trans women about their lives. and now we run those frequently and get lots of submissions from trans women and mey finds so many new writers and brings them into our lives and hearts, that we don’t need a special theme month to do it.

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       • Oh, I think I found them afterwards so I didn’t realize they were all run in two months.

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     • a) Four non-fiction things I read recently and would recommend:

       Smoke Gets in Your Eyes: And Other Lessons from the Crematory

       Women in Clothes

       Alone in the Kitchen with an Eggplant

       The Feminist Porn Book

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       • I just read Women in Clothes and it’s so wonderful! Alone in the Kitchen with an Eggplant is great too.

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     • D) Specifically I talk about writing projects when I talk about long projects, because writing is essentially all I do. I’m coming down the home stretch of a novel rough draft right now, and I’ve been working on it for a while. What helps me is the little progress bar in Scrivener—where you can set a goal and watch yourself meet it. The long term goal (55k words, based on nothing of course, that’s just where I imagined it would top out) and the short term goals (1k words per fiction writing day, which is any day that I don’t have like six deadlines for school and work and some days where I do have like six deadlines for school and work but I need to be writing my own stuff anyway). Now I realize you might not be talking about writing, but I think the basic principle still applies—make sure you can visualize what you are completing and how much you have left to go. And make sure you you not only keep track of the big picture when you do that, but of the individual steps too. Both are important, and both motivate people in different ways.

       Hope this helps!

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       • Thanks! I’m sort of talking about writing in that I’m talking about grad school in science which does not involve quite the same type of writing you’re doing. There’s a lot of ‘I’m spending the next three to six weeks programming to get data for one figure in this paper’ but the idea of visualizing progress on both large goals and small goals is really helpful!

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162. Oops, more questions:

     The site has mentioned a few times that 2015 might be the last year if you can’t get more funding and that 2000 A+ members is a target goal. Can you elaborate a little bit about those things? Is reaching 2000 members by the end of year feasible for the site continuing? Does it have to be 2000 members at certain levels plus a certain amount of other funding? If you don’t reach that number would the site try to change directions to be more advertising oriented or try to join another site somehow? (p.s. I don’t think anyone is thrilled with more intrusive ads that cover the screen and need to be clicked on to close, but I think we’d all understand if you started doing that and charged exorbitant ad rates for it) Would A-camp or other things become a larger revenue stream for the site by becoming more expensive? Would you try to scale down the site?

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     • Is reaching 2000 members by the end of year feasible for the site continuing?
       – YES! i really do.

       Does it have to be 2000 members at certain levels plus a certain amount of other funding?
       – the 2,000 member goal is based on the current breakdown of what membership level people sign up for — like assuming that present patterns continue, we’ll need that many members. (present patterns: 46% silver monthly, 31% bronze monthly, 10.9% gold monthly, 6% silver annual, 3.5% bronze annual, 2.1% gold annual)

       If you don’t reach that number would the site try to change directions to be more advertising oriented or try to join another site somehow?
       – i don’t think we’re capable of changing directions to being more advertising-oriented or that there are any other sites for us to join? i don’t really want to do this if i can’t be me and tell you to do you.

       (p.s. I don’t think anyone is thrilled with more intrusive ads that cover the screen and need to be clicked on to close, but I think we’d all understand if you started doing that and charged exorbitant ad rates for it)
       – really? i feel like everybody would be so mad! they’re so used to us being so nice and not doing skins or invasive ads or anything. but honestly it’s often not enough money to really make it worth it. that’s the thing. when we’re talking about doing [x] for nothing or [y] for slightly-more-than-nothing… we’d rather preserve user experience and up the chance that we’ll get more members?

       as for the rest – i’m can’t really say right now. partially because i don’t know precisely but also because i don’t want to say one thing and then do something different.

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       • Thanks! I was curious about the member breakdowns and it’s great to see so many silver and gold memberships!

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163. Morgan, if you were to add a new section to Autostraddle, what would it be?

     Also: When are we going to see more pictures of you on a Sunday? :D

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     • Thanks for becoming an A+ person! I saw your twitter message and am now filled with hearts and hugs just waiting to be delivered unto you IRL sometime. <3 To question one, kinda what BoingBoing just did with launching Offworld today. For those who don't know, BoingBoing just started a women and minorities inclusive video game website today to "help us all love video games again" because icky gamer gate things. Games are a multi-billion dollar industry yet it's culture still has a lot of growing to do. The medium grew up faster than the people in it in some ways, and the more we keep inclusive conversations going the more AAA studios will stop pouring money into perpetuating the notion that the only good game is about dudes shooting POCs. Plus there's one billion and one neat indie games coming out all the time on itch.io and Steam that people just don't know about unless they're deeply embedded in the indie video game scene.

       And I keep doing nude pics that show nipples which I think is against the Lesbosexy criteria maybe? but here are some sfw and nsfw pics from my modeling tumblr http://morgan.red/tagged/model and here's my model mayhem page http://www.modelmayhem.com/3381177

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164. Looking for advice on this upcoming situation: My brother is getting married this summer. He and his fiance are awesome and supportive; they are encouraging me to wear a suit and bring a date. Both things that sound like a good deal to me, except for the fact that I am not out at all to our extended family. I am trying to find the happy medium between just doing it/surprising everyone (which I feel would take away from the attention that should be on the two of them), letting people know somehow ahead of time (no clue what a good way to do that would be), and blending in/doing what is expected by my family (i.e. wearing a dress) to not avoid causing any unnecessary drama on their day.

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     • Have you opened up about these concerns to your brother? On the “it’s their wedding” end of the spectrum they may have a preference in the matter or they may just say “if they’re focusing on you the pressure’s off of us teehee lol” Would you be comfortable being outted in that way? Would you want to do the suit but no date?

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       • They probably wouldn’t mind taking some of the eyes off of them, but not in a throwing under the bus sort of way. Although my parents would be really unhappy about me being out to the extended family, I would be happy to have the secrecy done with. Suit but no date might be a good middle ground, with the bonus of not putting another person into any family strife that might occur.

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     • katie this is some real stuff here. i have a return question for you: what would you want to do? which options makes your stomach flop over in the best way?

       options:

       1. it IS a really big day for your brother and his fiancee, so i understand not wanting to take away from that, but it also might be a safe time to do this — maybe people will feel less like causing a scene because they’ll be forced to comply with societal norms for weddings!

       2. you could send a quick coming out email to everyone who’ll be there, or ask your brother to? “By the way everyone, Katie is gay if you didn’t already know. She’ll be wearing a suit and bringing a date and I expect you to act like a civilized respectful family! If you can’t act that way, consider not coming.”

       3. this is one day out of thousands and millions. you could wear a dress and blend in and come out later, when you feel like it. everybody wears clothes they hate to weddings. every weekend, another 500 or more assholes are wearing something they hate to a wedding. you could be one of them! and then you could go home and call your person and wear a tie and be yourself.

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       • Laneia, “which options makes your stomach flop over in the best way?” may be the best reflection question I’ve ever heard. It will now be my go to when I am trying to figure out what I actually want. In this case, even though I tend to go to great lengths to avoid conflict, I want to be there for my brother without having to put on an act. And am leaning toward a suit for sure (and if I have a special someone then, a date).

         1) Using social pressure to my benefit, I like it.

         2) Most of the extended family should be pretty chill about it… Our parents are the least open-minded of the of the clan. Which is unfortunate in general, but maybe for the best in this situation. But also adds the complication of how adamantly they don’t want anyone else to ‘find out’.

         3) Very true, good point!

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         • Hey Katie! I just wanted to say 2 things:

           1) You can always do what I do when I’m faced with uncomfortable clothing situations which is wear a piece of AS clothing (normally Straddle This boxers) under my clothes so I feel like I’m being *me* in some way.
           2) you should tell us what day the wedding is and send pictures so we can electronically support you!!

           I know this doesn’t really answer your question, but maybe it makes whatever you decide a bit easier :)

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165. Hey everyone! Happy Birthday and thank you for all the awesome work you do with the website and A-Camp. You always make a little genderless queermo feel all warm and fuzzy and ok with the world.

     So, I have two very different questions/topics I would love to talk with you about:

     1. I’m a trained Fine Artist(Sculpture, Printmaking, Book Binding,) I look at being an artist as a life choice that needs to provide some sort of financial stability. I’m trying escape crippling debt and don’t want to go back to corporate america. It’s very soul crushing and I want to be passionate about my work. I know that most of you lean on the writer end of the spectrum, but do you have any advice on how to make the most of/be successful at being a self made person?

     2. I personally hate dating websites but begrudgingly use them because it seems its one of the few options left. I’ve started to notice a really gross pattern in a lot of people on these sites. I see a whole lot of ” I want someone with their shit/lives together” and similar sentiments about jobs/money/security. I know people don’t want to date people who are users and abusers, but this comes off really fucking classist. I feel like it presumes that if you aren’t well off then you are just lazy and don’t give a shit about your life. How have you navigated class issues within the dating world? I constantly feel like a “poor kid” sign hangs over my head and negates my intelligence, creativity, and hilarious personality.

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     • Well to 2) this kinda reminds me of a talk I did about dating while trans, which basically said being trans and wearing that on the outside is kinda wonderful in some ways because the kinda people you don’t want to date will avoid you and you’ll rarely have to engage with them. I mean what I’m saying kinda boils down to “if ppl don’t like you for who you are then screw ’em,” but I know first impressions are kinda all people get sometimes on a date and things can be held against you that you don’t want to be. It kinda depends on how you decide to tell stories about yourself. Do you feel like conversation tends to end up on your finances because they direct it there or because you feel like you need to get it out of the way? Or are you concerned that the convo has no way but to go there?

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       • Conversations will always eventually lead there and I feel like you never know how people will react. My life has been shaped extensively by poverty and the systemic conditions that come with it. So even if I were to personally escape it as an adult anything related to my family or past will always be painted through that lens.

         Also, sometimes it just feels like there are a lot of affluent, indifferent people in the world and when you attempt to “date up” it can really screw the person from the lower end of the socioeconomic spectrum.

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     • 1. i once knew a person who had an awful corporate day job that they hated, so that they could afford the life, trips and personal projects they loved. they felt that their corporate job was soul-sucking and Literally The Worst, so they were dedicated to making the rest of their lives (during their downtime) that much more fulfilling and real. i’m afraid this doesn’t really answer your question, but it’s something i think about a lot — the trade-offs we make in our lives and the value we put on one thing over another. because being self-made is also full of tons of soul-sucking shit that you never saw coming, and you have to sell yourself and your passion — like you have to make your passion a marketable commodity. it’s a weird trade and an interesting priority shift!

       2. when i was on OKC, i said that i was looking for people who weren’t depressed, because i’d just barely started pulling myself out of my own depression and it was vital that i had someone who wouldn’t be intense or sad right out of the gate, for my own safety and progress. i didn’t think i’d find a person who would literally NEVER be depressed or fucked or this or that, but i wanted to make it clear that i didn’t have it in me to expend energy on someone else’s recovery at that time. maybe you could think of it in this way? like the people who are saying “please have your shit together” are really just some kids who barely just now got their own shit together by the skin of their teeth, or had some terrible awful experiences with people who decidedly did NOT have their shit together, and for their own sanity — like their actual real sanity — need to tell everyone that they now have this hard line drawn.

       idk this is just a thought!

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166. Hi! Maybe this would be better served as an email, but you all are here now so I will ask.

     I registered for A-Camp back in January and really would like to go again, BUT I have a choir concert with my gay women’s chorus on May 30th. The theme this concert is Shevolution: Empowering Women through Feminism in Song so basically I have to be there. I could get to camp a day late and probably have a ride from LA etc. Is there a way that I could get a reduced rate for A-Camp since I’m missing a day? Also, what are the things I would miss? Etc. Trying to figure all this out before the money is due for camp!

     Thanks! And HBD! You are all wonderful sparkly unicorns and I love you.

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     • no you can’t pro-rate a-camp because we have to pay the camp for the whole enchilada
       and it’s not like somebody else can take your spot for the first day, you know? which’s the only way pro-rating works
       you would miss the OPENING CEREMONIES and all kinds of things that would be lovely but if you can still come you should still come! it’s fun

       YOU ARE A SPARKLY UNICORN

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167. Aside from our A+ memberships, and assuming we don’t have heaps of extra cash that we could give, what are other ways that we can help you? Is it useful for people to submit articles/stories? If so, are there particular topics/areas that you’d like to have more of? Are there times it would be useful to have assistance from people with particular skills? Can we volunteer some hours for assistance in any way? What else can we do?

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     • If you’re buying stuff from places that Autostraddle has affiliates for (like Amazon!) use the affiliate link as found here. Then Autostraddle will get a bit kicked back and everybody wins!

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       • Thanks, Dina. I definitely do this already! I guess I was just wondering whether there was anything else I could do

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         • hey that thing you’re doing right now? that commenting thing? that’s a thing! that’s a thing we love and appreciate so much! (also that thing you do where you ask what else we need? we love and appreciate that so much too.)

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     • heeeeyyy katiek! if you’re a writer and have articles/stories you want to submit, that would be awesome! we have a submissions page (you can find it in the footer down there) or you can send submissions directly to me at laneia at autostraddle.com.

       it would also be rad as fuck if you could host meet-ups in your area! or even just help with the logistics every now and then, because those are real and on-the-ground and mean so much.

       and yes every time you link or buy from amazon, do it through our affiliate link!!

       thank you so much for asking about this <3 <3 <3

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168. @green What kind of toilet paper do you recommend? I feel like you would have strong feelings about this

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     • COTTONELLE.

       how did you know this about me. how did you know i had these strong feelings. am i that obvious?

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169. Work dilemma: Do I stay at a new job where I already have my foot in the door and can very likely get a teaching position next year? Or do I move on with the possibility of being without a teaching job AGAIN next year (I’m currently an assistant)? I like where I work, but I feel like it’s a place I will never be able to be out. It’s a small, conservative, super religious place (which also bugs me, but it’s the South. what’re’ya gonna do?). It would just be nice if I could work somewhere that would want to throw a wedding shower when I get engaged, ya know? But the idea of moving to a new place and having to get used to a new environment/people all over again is stressful and exhausting. I’m not good with new people and forcing myself in new situations. I am an introvert to the core. I needed recovery time after job interviews. Is this a thing I just need to get over?

     Help! To literally anyone who’s willing to listen.

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     • When I think on questions like this I kinda go back to: http://therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/ Essentially someone asks if they should have a kid cuz they’re not sure about this whole preggers biz but also they want a little thing to love and manipulate as our parents probably did. And Sugar talks about how she believes she would have been happy either way, kids or no. Having kids has given her so many things, but she also knows she would have had wild adventures with all the spare time she spent pointedly not crapping out spawn.

       It’s about evaluating your personal priorities based on your current needs and your past experiences with similar dilemmas. And pro con lists because yay. I’m likewise an introvert who fears change and lived in the South most of my cotton-picking life, but here I am in SF now because I moved in with some fans of my website who I didn’t really know, and bad things happened but good things too. But if I’d stayed in NC I would have been close to hundreds of people I already knew, have been closer to the nature and colder weather I like, as well as my awesome parents and a certain measure of predictability. We all get pressured into a romanticized notion of “go out, take risks, make mistakes, fail spectacularly, LIVE!!!” but if that’s never been a thing for you and you don’t think it’s likely to start being now, maybe it will someday down the road. But now is all you have, so do you want to accept your perfectly valid introvert identity, or do you want to gamble it on new experiences?

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       • Hey, I’m in from NC!

         Thanks for the advice. I’ve realized that I already know the answer. I just need to work out the logistics and find the strength.

         Also, I love that poem – The Blue House.

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170. Happy Birthday, Autostraddle! Thank you all for all that you do and I hope you will keep on keeping on for many more years to come!

     I have a coming out question/in need of advice:

     I’ve yet to come out to my mother. It’s been a struggle for me. I really want to. It’s not like the worlds best kept secret either. I’ve never had a boyfriend but when I did date men, I rarely mentioned anything to her, save for one time but it was just a casual conversation. She never asks me if I am seeing anyone and I never mention when I am involved/dating around. It’s just one of those things that don’t come up in conversation. We’ve never been close but now that I’m older, I am trying to make more of an effort.

     I, I just think it’s time. I’m taking a trip with her this year (I asked her to join me) and I think that might be a good time to say something, but I also don’t want to ruin a possibly good/memorable trip.

     Thing is, for some fucked up reason, I’m struggling with HOW to say the words in Spanish. Soy lesbiana or yo Prefiero la compañía de mujeres just sounds wrong to me. She’s very conservative in her views. Very set in her ways. Very “men should do this and women should do that and that’s how it should always be” kinda ideals.

     Deep down, I feel she knows. Every time I visit, it’s always on the tip of my tongue but I just.can’t.say.it. It’s eating me up inside. I don’t want to lose her.

     Anyone else been on the same boat/ willing to share how you overcame this?

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     • Hi JP!

       My parents are monolingual Spanish speakers and one of the times I came out (there have been many reminder times), I chose to say: Soy queer, sé que no es una palabra que realmente existe en español, pero es la palabra que mejor define como me siento y me relaciono con otras personas. Quería compartir este sentimiento contigo porque es parte de quién soy, y es súper importante para mí que conozcas cada parte de mi identidad como persona/hijx. Nada ha cambiado -soy la misma persona que era hace cinco minutos cuando no sabías que era queer, sólo que ahora conoces un pedacito más de mí.

       I also chose to come out as genderqueer, which was a whole different situation, but emphasizing every time that I’m still the same person they have always known and said they loved was super important to me. I haven’t changed just because the words I use for myself did -I have only found better, more accurate words to communicate to others who I am and how I see myself when I move through the world. If the word that works best for you is lesbian, maybe you can communicate the same sentiment by still defining it for her, in case the definition is more accessible/gives her more space to understand how you feel.

       Maybe something like “soy lesbiana, lo que significa qué honestamente sólo me atraen las mujeres, y que me veo con una cuando pienso en qué tipo de persona me gustaría tener como pareja. Eso no cambia nada, sigo siendo tu hija, sólo que ahora en vez de tener un yerno vas algún día tener una yerna.” I don’t know if that would work for you, but maybe it would help because it acknowledges that you’re asking for her expectations to change: from a future with a guy, to a future where you’ll be with a woman. I found that the hardest part for my parents is that exact thing: accepting that my future does not look the way they envisioned it when I was born.

       I wish you the best of luck and all the love and kindness to you and your mom! Hopefully it’ll be a memorable trip for all the right reasons <3

       Let me know if you want to think about or geek out on wording in Spanish a bit more, I'm always happy to have an excuse to think I'm my first language!

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       • Muchas, pero muchas gracias, Danii!

         Your eloquence in both English/Spanish has helped immensely in more ways than you’ll ever know. My spanish could be better as I struggle sometimes with certain words, phrases or the usual, “¿cómo se dice en español?” which does not help my current dilemma one bit.

         This gives me so much comfort, it’s putting my mind at ease.

         Really, thank you.

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171. Why is there a connection between lesbians and cats?

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     • WITCHCRAFT

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     • I AM SO ALLERGIC TO CATS AND WISH THIS WAS NOT A THING

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       • THIS STRUGGLE IS SO REAL FOR US LESBIANS WHO ARE ALLERGIC. #notalllesbianshavecats

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         • But sometimes you’re allergic, but you find an abandoned Russian Blue in your parking lot (long story), and they’re hypoallergenic, and then you know the universe loves you!

           And then your parents won’t turn her over, and this becomes an Issue.

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     • bc cats have perfected being aloof as fuck, which is the goal for most lesbians who have that fucking crush on the straight girl/any girl who can’t crush you back, so we look up to cats in this way. cats know when to give love and when to withhold. CATS ARE AMAZING OK.

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172. Happy Birthday Autostraddle! And thank you to all you lovely people who keep it ticking everyday! I have two questions, if that’s ok? (Oh, no, that makes it three!)

     1.I came out to my parents about 8 months ago as bi. It was a little bit of a shock to them as I’m not exactly a very young person (I’m turning 30 this year) and will be celebrating a seventh anniversary with my spouse, a very wonderful man! So, there was a lot of surprise, some misunderstanding, and quite a bit of worry that divorce was imminent from my family. There were A LOT of tears for a few weeks. I *think* that part has worn off, but they still seem odd and awkward when I bring it up. They say they’re fine with me being bi and being out but they aren’t comfortable with telling other family members. They say they just don’t know anything about LGBT people but resist suggestions like watching “this is a show for the parents of gay kids.” They say they just don’t understand how they misunderstood my childhood so much but when I tell them I didn’t know I was bi until my mid-twenties, it doesn’t seem to matter.

     We are clearly missing each other somewhere in communicating. I know they are trying, even if they are floundering a little. And I’m trying too, even if I am getting a little impatient explaining for the fortieth time what LGBT stands for. It feels like we are trying to reach across this generational gap that I, at least, didn’t really realize was there, or was so big, until I came out. I want my parents to get me, it will make me happy and I think it will make them happy. But they are not getting it. How do I help my parents to do that?

     2.In high school I belonged to a Christian youth group at a pretty standard Evangelical-leaning but still mainline Protestant church. I took it so seriously. I was extremely earnest in my faith. In college I lost my faith and it was the absolute worst. When I got married I asked my youth minister from high school to be part of the wedding because he had been very important to me and was appropriately credentialed to perform a wedding and he agreed. But a week before the wedding he called me and backed out because as he said, “love comes from Jesus” and I didn’t have Jesus in my life anymore. Jerkface times a million, right? I’ve been alternately nursing a huge grudge and magnanimously moving on for the past seven years. My question is, would it be weird to show up at the church he now works at on a sunday and be like, “You’re kind of a bully, but my marriage turned out great anyway, AND I’M FANTASTICALLY QUEER TO BOOT.” (Queer would not have been ok in my youth group – so that’s another point of contention.) Like, not yell it over the congregation or anything, just have the chance to say it to him.

     Basically I want everyone who is like “no” to my bisexuality to have a revelation and be like, “ah, yes!”

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     • Oh, man. I wish so much I could co-sign on that decision! But there is pretty much no way to appropriately crash someone’s church service and tell them they’re a jerk. Especially since you guys haven’t been in touch since then – there’s no relationship to repair. There’s nothing he can do to make up for what he did, and there’s no telling if he even regrets his decision. If anything, your showing up might give him ammunition to dismiss you.

       It’s obviously something that’s had a real lasting impression on you. It was shitty of him to pull out in the last minute (and what an odd way to try to convince someone they need more of Jesus’ love in their life, by abandoning a promise you’ve made to them!). It might be worth talking about more with your husband or people you care about and value – a pastor, especially your childhood youth pastor, signifies so much! Religious authority, family, everyone who’s ever been able to tell you what to do – there’s a lot wrapped up in that position! I really don’t think that getting in touch with him again and letting him know how much his little stunt has affected you over the years is going to make you feel any better.

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     • 1. i really think just time and repetition, and tons of patience on everyone’s part. it sounds like they’re really trying to get you! but probably they never thought they’d have to work this hard. i’m not bi, so hopefully we can have someone who is bi chime in here soon, but i will say just don’t get burned out. keep trying because this is really worth it and maybe it won’t ever be fully accomplished, but the intention of trying will always mean so much. my mom still thinks of me as the ‘woman’ of the rship and megan as the ‘man’ but she knows that’s not right and she’s come so far that i’m not even mad. i know how much of a stretch it was for her to meet me even halfway, and i’m proud of her and i love her support. i just keep reminding her that we’re both the woman, and she keeps saying “right yes! that’s what i meant i’m sorry.”

       also again just speaking from experience, parents especially tend to want to find indicators in your childhood or ways they could’ve known sooner. i think this has to do with the sense of ownership/watchmen mentality that we have over our kids. like it comes from a genuinely beautiful and pure place that just wants The Best for our babies, and when something big happens we immediately wonder HOW WE MISSED THE SIGNS. and it takes some work to convince yourself that there were no signs, that this wasn’t on your watch list so it’s totally ok that you missed it, and that everything is fine. your family might be kicking themselves for not noticing because maybe they think/wish they would’ve handled things differently if the shift had happened on their watch. either way i bet it comes from a place of just really wanting to be the best and sturdiest advocate for you, all the time.

       keep working and reminding and reassuring them! it’ll take time but it’ll be worth it.

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173. Happy Birthday! I can’t believe a website has had such an impact on my life. Thank you!

     What suggestions would you guys have as far as distracting activities so I can try not to wallow so much after this break-up?

     Not related in any way, do any of you follow soccer at all? This just came to mind and I’m curious.

     Laneia, I work with kids in an elementary school and remembered you talking about lunch/recess and feel like I want to ask you so many things from like a parent’s perspective around school stuff but I can’t decide so maybe I’ll come back.

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     • MONIQUE MY HEART

       after a breakup you have to move your body in every uncomfortable way. you have to take it to old and new places and show it the world. your body has a terrible time remembering what it was like to be whole on its own, so you have to trot it out and force it to see and remember. it will remember but good god you have to just FORCE IT sometimes. like “THIS IS YOUR JUICER REMEMBER HOW MUCH YOU LOVED IT?? REMEMBER YOU LOVED THE POND??!” and it will remember. your body will remember.

       also if your body never loved the pond but you always wanted to love the pond, now’s the time. you’ll never be more primed for pond / life loving than you are RIGHT NOW. this is it. you know how they say the newborn brain is a sponge and you only have 4 or 5 years to cram it full of everything?

       that’s you right now.

       you are your own newborn brain life sponge box. fill yourself with every interesting and exciting thing you were too afraid or tired or bored or broke or busy to do before. you don’t have much time because eventually someone will come along, as someones are wont to do, especially when you’re busy and not looking for them, and you’ll wish you’d spent this time wisely.

       i’m excited for the school questions if you ever think of them!! xoxox

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       • Thank you for that <3 I'm always super impressed with the different ways y'all can answer the same things and still be so eloquent and meaningful. I never thought about it like this, and I'm definitely gonna post these words up on my wall to remind myself every day.

         As far as school goes, what do you think is the best kind of relationship you can have with your kid's teacher in terms of communication (methods, frequency, etc.)? I'm working towards getting certified as a teacher and have been mostly worried about this side of things.

         Is there one thing that bugs the hell out of you about the education system in general?

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174. @heather perhaps?
     So I’m in my late 20s and came out a few years ago which was great, but shortly after that I started having major problems with depression. I moved back home where I don’t really know anyone besides my family. I’m doing a lot better (yay meds and therapy!), but I still feel really isolated. I would love to be a part of a queer community and to hang out with people who can talk about what it’s like to be gay, which I didn’t get to do before I got sick. But while doing day-to-day stuff is manageable now, the whole meeting-new-people and putting myself out there on OKCupid feels overwhelming. My depression and natural introversion make it hard to start new relationships. Do you have any suggestions for trying to make friends and build a support network without pushing myself beyond my limits?

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     • Do you find it easier to engage in online communities? That might be a good gateway drug if you’re finding IRL stuff exhausting. Do you have an idea of what things your mind latches on to in the moment that makes new relationships harder? Like for my depression I end up worrying they won’t be okay with my depression if they knew what the inside of my mind was “really like,” so I learned to manage that by well just telling people about it fairly shortly after meeting them. Even though I knew it was taboo to start talking about this stuff right off the bat, it basically scared off the people who couldn’t handle it leaving the ones who didn’t mind one way or another.

       Do you feel that there are some parts of your depression that you can identify and wrangle while your meeting new people?

       And are there people you know elsewhere that you can talk to on IM/Skype/phone, because even though it’s often not as fulfilling as IRL stuff it can at least afford you a few crumbs of ease on your path feeling less isolated.

       Also are there any group events in your area focused around a specific interest of yours? Like I actually have lots of social anxieties so at A-Camp I make sure I have lots of panels and events to do because I go into WORK MODE and I can only focus on the work that needs doing and the campers that need helping rather than my brain stuff. The work is more powerful to me than my anxieties, just like a really good book or video game that takes my mind off things.

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175. Megan Rapinoe, Samira Wiley, and Ellen Page all ask to have lunch on the same day, just the two of us. What do I do? Advice needed just in case.

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     • i’d like to suggest the same system employed by my high school and offer an early lunch at 10:45, mid-day lunch at 11:30 and a late lunch at 12:15

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     • Why is this not an automatic lunch/cocktail party? Is my follow up question. I feel like that would kinda be a kickass group.

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176. is seriously no one going to ask me about Maggie Alphonsi

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     • ok i just googled this person
       did you make out and if so how did it go

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       • I honestly do not know if she is even gay or bi and also she does not know I exist but MAN DO I HOPE THAT WE WILL SOMEDAY

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     • I tried; I had to Google her, because the only sports coverage I get is what I hear through the wall (WWE). All I’ve got is that she has the same actual first name and nickname as me. That isn’t actually a question.

       Which would you rather listen to your neighbor watch at high volume: rugby or Friday night smackdown?

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       • i would rather listen to me yelling at your neighbor to turn down his shit

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         • This is yet another neighbor– next door. I don’t have the heart; his hearing is bad, and he watches TV every second he’s not at work. He’s told me before it’s pretty much all he enjoys.

           But you would not believe how often SNL reruns from the 90s are apparently on.

           I feel like I’m doing a super job promoting this apartment complex at this point.

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177. Hi! I don’t have any advice requests as much as I just want to say Happy Birthday to Autostraddle!!! Thank each and every one of you for all that you do, it is truly incredible. I started reading AS as a baby gay in March 2010 and I’ve loved seeing all of the kickass amazing work you have put together and how this website has become a truly exceptional for queers all over the world. Congratulations, thank you, and here’s to an amazing future.

     PS Super love the occasional A2 references from Riese. I missed the boat on the restaurant article, but did want to say as much as I love the Zingerman’s Roadhouse that now occupies the space, Bill Knapps FOREVS.

     PPS Also things I read that I love turned me on to longform journalism, which paired with coffee is now my definition of bliss.

     PPPS Just really grateful YAY

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     • for lunch i used to go to zingermans and buy a bag of bread ends for 50 cents and then get a bunch of mayonnaise and put the mayo on the bread ends and then i would have bread ends and mayonnaise for lunch

       but it was no bill knapps, my friend, it was no bill knapps

       (no really but obvs zingermans is the best etc etc)

       also THANK YOU YAY!!!!!

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       • i mean the zingermans that was by community high is the one i went to for the bread ends
         it’s so weird when i go home and see the roadhouse all up in my knapps

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178. So, this is for Morgan! Any advice on how to approach telling a girl I’m trans? I don’t really have a lot of experience (…zero experience…) with dating & stuffs and I kinda have written off finding anyone. It’s difficult to get confidence when you always have to wonder if a potential partner can accept you as you are. I guess I’d just love to hear your always wise and well worded (alliteration ♡) thoughts. ♡ (Apologies if this has been asked/answered…)

     Also, I’m so happy I won an A+ membership!! （≧∇≦）So exciting. I love this site so much. Thanks to everyone who works so hard to keep it going!! ♡

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     • Hey there cutiepie honeykins sweet pea ADORABLENESS! Literally the words that formed in my brain mouth when I saw a question from you. So it kinda depends on these questions you can ask yourself: Is being trans an important part of your life to you, something that you want to share with someone for your own reasons (rather than feeling like you’re “supposed to tell”)? I ask that because I feel a lot of us have been raised to believe we owe that bit of privacy to others. But also are there things you want from a partner that you can only get from disclosing this part of your history? For example do you want to be able to share about how it felt during transition, or things you’re still unpacking from when you came out to your family?

       Things to keep in mind also:

       Someone who does not wish to be with you because you are trans? They are probably people you would not have gotten along with anyways for a number of other reasons as well. People who let their hang ups precede, say, asking you questions or trying to get a sense of your perspective before passing judgment? Not good folk.

       Also, someone may react to your coming out by saying they have to think about it. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. My partner for four years reacted that way at first (we had been dating a couple months at that point), then she did a bunch of research, asked me questions for a week, sat with me for long quiet periods until we both fell asleep, and stayed together for a long time after. “I need to think” is not “Take the hint, what I mean is ‘no.'”

       If being trans is a big part of who you are and how you interpret the world (it is for me) I start talking about with people, potentional partner people (alliteration!) or otherwise, right away. And if they’re not cool with that they will remove themselves from my existence for me! But if it’s not as much a part of your life, you have to decide what about it is that you want to share about it. Are you sharing about it because there are specific sexual needs you want/need met and things are going that way? Or is all you want to say “Hey, I’m trans, that’s as comfortable as I am talking about that right now.”

       I assumed I would be in a desert of not dating for the rest of my life, but I’ve found so many lovely women to share my bed and my heart with and I never run out. Partly because I’m not super different from who I was pre-transition! I still make terrible puns, I still run my fingers through people’s hair while speaking softly, I’m still incurably sarcastic. I can be comfortable and confident in the parts of me pre-transition that I actually liked, and that makes me confident. And confidence is what it all boils down to. So what coming out circumstances do you think will give you the most confidence? This is more about you than it is about them, after all <3

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179. big q:
     how can i still love my dad and be a misandrist at the same time?

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     • by just your being you

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180. Oh wait I DO have a question for Mallory! I LOVED Ayn Rand Reviews Children’s Movies. Shit was awesome. Do you have any fave spoof articles or the like that make fun of Ayn Rand? I always need more material for making fun of Ayn Rand.

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     • I do a recurring Rand series on The Toast – she’s rewritten the Harry Potter series and The Devil Wears Prada at this point. I don’t know of lots of other Rand spoofs, but I do highly recommend the work of Robert Benchley, who did a lot of the sort of genial spoof-y stuff I like to do now back in the 1930s.

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181. Is this still going on? I’m blown away by the mountains of support being offered here. Y’all must be exhausted.

     ~sending love and hugs and sparkly unicorns to energize you~

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     • STILL GOING <3

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     • Oh so many questions I want to answer BUT I’M SO LONG WINDED I’m only scheduled for two hours but I may just keep running my mouth afterwards for giggles. As in the giggles y’all give me cuz you’re so bloody A-dorable. Actually correction A+dorable. :)

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     • the funny part is that this doesn’t feel all that different from a normal day for me LOLOLOLOLOL

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182. Happy birthday!!!

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     • THANK YOU!!!!

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183. How can I cope with the feeling that my days of masquerading as a competent person who has her personal and professional lives together are drawing to a close and that any day now the house of cards I constructed (as someone who is actually a mild mess of a person) will come tumbling down around me?

     For Mallory or anyone- do you have anything specific you do to help keep to your writing goals?

     And this is the most important one- I’m considering splurging on a game system for the first time in ages. As a Nintendo partisan, should I get a 3DS or WiiU first?

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     • For me, it really helps that I have daily deadlines and there’s no one in the company who can cover for me. If I don’t write a post, there’s nothing on the site. I have a harder time planning out long-term writing projects; it helps enormously that writing is my job. Twitter, maybe oddly enough, proves less of a distraction and more of an inspiration for me.

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     • So to the video game question, it depends on if you like single player or multiplayer more and which system has the better offerings in that category, as well as if you prefer mobility or if you prefer the home theater dealy. Now if Smash Bros. is the reason you’re getting a system now I recommend Wii U because you will wear the fuck out of those analog sticks on the DS and hurt your hands in the process. But there’s a good bit of overlap between the two systems in terms of types of games and quality. I think the strongest offerings on each are:

       New 3DS: 999, Zelda Link Between Worlds/Ocarina/Majora, Xenoblade Chronicles, Pokemon, Phoenix Wright, Fire Emblem
       Wii U: Smash Bros, ZombiU, Earthbound, and I hear the Wonderful 101 and Kart are great.

       Plus they both have Animal Crossing and Mario jumpy games and of course Zelda and they’re previous iterations’ games (wii and ds).

       I would frankly hit the Google machine and start looking over search results for “best games on wii u” and “best games on 3/ds” and see what perks your interest. I went with DS because I wanted to play FFIII, Pokemon, 999, and the DS versions of FFIV, Chrono Trigger and Rayman Origins.

       But if you’re going to get both either way, the colors on are so rich on the Wind Waker remake and pretty and lovely and yay. *drools*

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     • Thanks for the replies! And the original Wind Waker is one of the great loves of my life so I may have to go with the WiiU (initially. I’ll inevitably end up with both systems)

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184. Hey Mallory if you were getting tea and cucumber sandwiches with Maggie Alphonsi and you knew she was wearing skinny jeans and a gray v neck sweater over a blue button down and also a gryffindor scarf what would you wear

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     • HER RUGBY JERSEY AND A PAIR OF WEIGHTLIFTING SHORTS

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185. Any advice on how to find community as a bi/queer lady marrying a straight cis fella?

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     • Find the queers (I mean the bi/pan/poly/demi/omni queers). More importantly: find people you have things in common with besides sexual orientation.

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       • I have community. That’s not the problem. I have lots of lovely people in my life.

         Trying to find community as a queer cis woman marrying a straight cis fella has been challenging. Though I appreciate your response.

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         • I wrote this and submitted it a while ago, but this is what I was asking about when I wrote the sentence above:

           Autostraddle has been such a bastion for me, allowing me to feel comfortable reading, commenting, reading others’ comments without having to worry about consistent disparagement of my sexuality. I’m bi. And though I came out years ago, I still struggle with self acceptance. A lot of this has to do with stories I tell myself about what others probably think. I came to my sexuality in my twenties, after spending much of my life assuming I was straight. I’m now in my early thirties, and I’ve dated both men and women. In the relationships prior to the one I’m in now, the ones that hold the most significance after I began to identify as bi, the man eventually told me he didn’t think I was really bi. And the woman eventually told me that she didn’t think she’d date bi women anymore, because all of the bi women she dated ended up with men.

           I am now happily engaged to a cis straight man. As a femme cis woman in a relationship with a cis straight man, I often feel closeted. People assume I’m straight. Earlier this year I came out to a single bi femme woman friend of mine that I met through my fiance (so, someone who has only known me in a relationship with a man), and she was so happily responsive in the moment, I was elated! Later she told me she thought I was joking, she didn’t believe me then, and it was only after I spoke about it a few more times that she realized we were similar-sexualitied.

           A dear (cis lesbian woman) friend of mine became engaged to her girlfriend shortly before I became engaged to my boyfriend. Our experiences with engagement have been vastly different. Mine sometimes involves the sensation of being trapped under a deluge of heteronormative “traditions” and expectations. Hers has the added anxiety of coming out, both to extended family and to anyone that asks about that ring on her finger, and worrying about people not coming to the wedding “on principle”. I feel like this is a self-serving example recognizing the battles I have to wage due to my woman-ness. In this case I’m using it to point out that I can talk about my wedding whenever I feel like bringing it up, without talking about my sexuality, and also that wedding planning is stressful but I get many benefits. When I went to the department store to register and the woman asked me for the groom’s name I did not have to say Alice. Because some people feel entitled to views on sexuality, this makes a difference. On a daily basis I benefit from the privileges that being a white middle class femme cis woman in a relationship with a white middle class cis straight man provide.

           All of these things, combined with the outside of AS world messaging about bisexuality, make up the stories I tell myself about how others are internally reacting to me.

           I am lucky enough to be recognized as the whole of me at home, but I crave community. My questions is this: I’d like to be fully me when interacting in this safe space. Which is not a question! I’ll continue. Were I with a woman, I would not hesitate to say “she” when talking about my relationship or my partner in spaces such as the AS comments section. But I have never referred to my partner here. And I’ve wanted to. Is it my internalized biphobia? Is it self-serving privilege guilt? Am I protecting others by not pushing into a lady-only space, or contributing to bi-erasure? I feel like it is alright to comment on past experiences dating both men and women, but there’s something stopping me from sharing my current experience in a more casual way. Is it selfish to want to bring my “straight” relationship into this queer space? If I’m married to a cis man, can I be a part of the community and come to A-Camp? There’s this current, this undertow that feels like it comes from others but might just be in my head, as if now that I’ve partnered off, I should accept all the privileges that come from this path and keep walking on down it. There is this whole of me, this wonderful queer lady who wants to be recognized as just that. Where do I belong? If it is not Autostraddle, am I close?

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     • Hi! You can also say hello to me, as I am in the same position!

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       • Hello @lovecomesfromlife! Are you a tweeter? I am reachable at @cosmostep. I mention this because it is the extent of my social media presence at this point, and I would love to connect with people in similar situations.

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186. Happy Birthday to my favoritest weirdos!

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     • LOVE U

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     • thank you torrebelle you are also my favorite weirdo

       love
       tinkerbell

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187. I got online and thought “oh wow this must be over by now” but I think things are still happening? Anyway, over the last year or so I’ve finally come out to myself (and some of the people around me) as bi and this weekend I went on a date with a cute girl from tinder. And now she wants to go out again. My brain is basically short-circuiting bc “cute girl who likes me” is totally uncharted territory. Any advice? How do I keep from exploding with excitement/nerves/etc? How do I shut down the shitty little voice in my head that’s like “what if you’re just straight and making all of this up” (I spent years being “straight” and freaked out and miserable about it so I’m pretty sure that’s not a thing but, you know)?

     Anyway, ramble done, so much love to everyone at AS! (this has been one of the most amazing places for me throughout my ~identity process~)

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     • i used to worry that i was just straight and making all of this up so much!
       guess what though
       I WAS NOT MAKING IT UP
       this shit is real

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       • that happened to me too, Riese

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     • I used to worry I was only gay because I had a crush on one of my best friends and she was gay I just wanted to be like her and I didn’t notice the obvious logical point for years so.

       Anyway the answer to the nerves thing is that you have to act as if it is totally a given that you can sleep with/have a relationship with/kiss/hold hands with that girl. Not that you will, because consent is important and being presumptuous is the worst, but that you could. That you are a human being who can totally get laid/dated/smooched/held hands with. Because having that in the back of your head can make you feel like a self-assured, confident person, and puts that energy out into the world, which sounds like some bullshit but also totally works.

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188. Have any of you nerds ever attended Dragon Con? Going this year with some ‘straddlers. General advice on how to handle my shit when surrounded by 50,000+ people over four days? I’m not proud but it might end up going something like this.

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     • please murder everyone xo

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189. I know it’s late (darn work!) but I have a dating question. Bless A+ (AND HAPPY FRICKIN’ BIRTHDAY!!!) for providing a safe space and a chance for some advice!

     So I’ve only seriously dated two people. I was engaged to my first girlfriend (like, we were buying a house together) for a year and a half before the relationship went up in flames on a Taylor Swift-ian level. (We were both coming out, I was still identifying as Mormon, we were long distance, had bad communication skills, etc. Weirdly, if we met now we probably would have gotten married.) My second girlfriend and I were together for almost six years and we parted amicably when it became very clear we were working better as friends than lovers.

     I’m trying to start dating for the first time (I met both my exes at work and we were friends first) but I’m finding I have zero romantic attraction to basically everyone. I’m not asexual. It’s been a year since I was in any real relationship and I’m not hung up on my exes. I just don’t feel any chemistry.

     Online dating has the worst track record for me because more than half of my attraction to someone is how they move through the world and that’s hard to judge from a picture. The few times I’ve been set up have been laughably bad. As have my attempts to just hook up. I’ve had plenty of people show interest and ask me out a second time, but I feel really awful about the prospect of stringing someone along who I don’t even want to kiss, you know?

     I really want to solve this issue, because I’ve been celibate for three years. I haven’t even been kissed in a year. I’m kind of going crazy. Also I really miss having a partner/someone interesting to work with/someone to make my heart beat faster, you know?

     Any advice?

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     • Oh, man. There’s a lot to answer here, but I’m wondering to what degree just going out to a good old-fashioned gay bar is possible for you, depending on where you live? It’s great to meet someone you can see yourself spending your life with, but if you’re looking to just find someone who walks across the room in a way that makes your throat tighten up who is maybe willing to kiss you that SELFSAME NIGHT, that might be a better option than OKCupid. Just for a change of pace.

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       • Sadly the closest lesbian bar is about an hour and a half (and a pricey toll bridge) away. It’s also becoming a lot more straight lately. Sometimes I’ll hit it up, but it can be really hit-or-miss and more than a bit femmephobic. Still, a grrl can hope something will happen, right?

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190. Hi everyone! Happy birthday! :D A huge thank you to the autostraddle team for the membership. I love this community. <3

     3 QUESTIONS! (general questions for anyone)

     1. I know this has been talked about on various other threads before, but it has really been on my mind a lot lately: coming out to family. I am 25 and living on my own, but I’m still very close to my parents and brother. I grew up in a fairly conservative environment, and though I think my family is actually more open minded than my peer circle I had as a kid/teen, I’m afraid it would create a riff between us in our relationship if I ever came out to them. I have almost completely cut myself off from that circle of childhood peers, but I am still quite close to my immediate family. And I know I would feel such a weight lift if I could just bring myself to come out to them. For one, I want to actually start dating for the first time in my life, and don’t want to constantly be looking over my shoulders for fear they might find out.

     What I’m really hoping is that it’ll be completely anti-climactic, something like “We already suspected something, and we really don’t care, we just want you to be happy.” What I don’t want is shock or surprise. I don’t want them to see me any differently than they do now, because after all, I am the same person I’ve always been. I know they wouldn’t disown me or stop loving me, but I’m still afraid that our relationship would change for the worse. So I guess I’m looking for encouraging stories. Or advice. Or just feedback on coming out to family. Did it go how you expected when you did it? Was it better than you expected, and did you find that they often “already knew”?

     2. What is your favorite way to make friends as an adult? It’s easy when you’re in college, not so easy when you’ve graduated and are living on your own and tend to be a hermit/introvert.

     3. Finally (and I know there’s probably multiple good answers to this!): what is your all time favorite queer book that all new baby dykes should read?

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     • 1. When I came out to my very conservatitive family not so long ago, I felt like I was going to puke. Was quite certain I would puke, actually.

       Most of my friends knew already, at least the ones who were close. I had been dating for a while, and I was getting to the point where I wanted to be able to maybe bring a girlfriend to family dinner, and not have it be a *big* thing. Because I don’t live at home and had many queer friends, it was easy enough to hide being queer from my family. I was terrified. Absolutely terrified. I ended up telling my Mom, Aunt and Sister all separately, within a timeframe of about two weeks. They all reacted very differently, and it’s an ongoing process. None of them reacted as terribly as I expected, but I’ve had to navigate through some awkward and trying situations. The worst has been hateful anti-Gay Pentacostal rhetoric, and the best has been a depth of understanding that has taken me by surprise. In talking to my mom about why I probably didn’t want to visit Uganda (where my entire extended family lives, save for my aunt), I cited the heavily anti-queer politcal climate. Instead of shrugging it off, she turned to me and said “That makes sense, of course you would want to be somewhere that you feel safe.” It was a warm moment for me, since my mom still struggles sometimes wrapping her head around my queer dating life.

       I guess long story short — you have no control over how other people react to your coming out. But the immense sense of relief was like nothing else, at least for me. I kept thinking to myself “why didn’t you do this sooner?!?”

       2. I am an extrovert, so I tend to “court” the people I want to be friends with until they actually become my friend. Sort of a “you seem really cool, I’m going to talk to you and see if we have anything in common. Maybe you’ll want to chill with me and then BOOM we will be pals and you won’t know that’s what I set out to do”. Usually I just talk to people I think would be interesting to have in my life, and go from there…

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       • if it helps, I was 24 when i came out!

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         • also also also

           3. my favourite baby gay “book” has been Autostraddle because I can always find the answer to WHATEVER IT IS in You Need Help (or somewhere in the archives)

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           • This is true.

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       • Thank you for sharing this. I keep rehearsing conversations in my head, but then I get terrified when I think about actually saying them. I’m glad things are going better for you and your mom.

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         • You just have to gain the courage to do it. I was so scared the whole time! I recommend meeting in public and having a friend to call on if immediately after if it goes horribly.

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     • hey @eunoia! i bet if you hosted a #staycationspectacular on saturday a lot of adults would show up! you don’t even have to leave the haus! you can ask people to bring snacks and blankets if you want! i did! http://www.autostraddle.com/lets-meet-up-and-stay-in-autostraddles-international-staycation-spectacular-is-march-14-279114/

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191. Okay, this is the best question to ask new to you people. I was first asked this question at the very first Autostraddle Brunch a few years ago and it has been my go to question. The best is when couples don’t agree on the answer.

     So, if you could only have one for the rest of your life would you choose Cheese (all varieties) or would you choose oral sex (giving and receiving)?

     My choice is oral sex because you know what would make me feel better when I am sad and missing cheese… a blow job.

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     • i had to consult megan and she said:

       ORAL SEX. because i’ve never woken up and thought, “wow, i had some great cheese last night.”

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     • Oral sex. WHO SAYS CHEESE.

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       • I SAY CHEESE, CAROLYN. Bite me (get it?).

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         • Can we all agree that both at once is probably a bad idea though

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           • I wholeheartedly agree with that.

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       • people do say cheese! People who boggle my mind. I have had the cheese response from about 20 percent of the people I’ve asked.

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     • Cheese. I think being teased/teasing is underrated.

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       • See! People choose cheese. I think this question is fun because people typically have strong feelings about their choice.

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       • Oh and I am not teasing those who choose cheese. This was a really hard question for me because I really really love cheese.

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         • See? Like I said, teasing is a lost art.

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     • This just makes me more depressed that I’ve become lactose intolerant. It’s like the universe already made this decision for me. Luckily I can’t become oral intolerant. (I HOPE? DON’T TELL ME THAT’S A THING.)

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       • launa i love you.

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         • Laneia, I love you more.

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     • a cruel conundrum… but I would say bye to cheese, and be sad about it every day.

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192. For anyone: Have you ever experienced, like, platonic heartbreak due to a mentor breakup? How do I deal with it? My undergrad advisor / favorite professor has (possibly) disowned me without telling me, or at least he stopped answering my emails (not chatty emails, but rather emails about scheduling a meeting), and I know he gets ridic amounts of email, but in five years of emailing him I’ve never seen him be so unresponsive. Two months ago I asked him in a polite, low-key way if he would like me to stop emailing him, and he didn’t respond. I tend to have a hard time believing that people actually like me and aren’t just pretending to like me, but I had long since reached the point where I felt confident that he liked me, and now I have no idea what I did. I trusted him — I came out to him a year ago and I still haven’t come out to my brother, even, or to anyone else with whom I have even a quasi-professional relationship.

     Anyway, I’m okay, I like my job and my city and friends and family, but I’m completely bewildered by my advisor, who, other than this, has always been very kind to me, and I miss him very much, and also now I cannot do the research that he originally asked me to work on with him, and I would totally understand if he just said, like, “Okay, it’s someone else’s turn now,” but I never once in the two years I worked for him (for free) imagined that he would just vanish into the night and never speak to me again? How do I trust people in the future after I trusted him and it ended like this?

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     • How do I trust people in the future after I trusted him and it ended like this?

       PEOPLE WILL FUCK YOU UPPPPPP DUDE
       people will
       fuck
       you
       up

       you don’t have to trust anyone again
       like you don’t HAVE to
       and the next time you do
       you might get anxiety a lot like all the time
       like when they are quiet for even a second
       and you’ll think “how can they be quiet for even this second
       when i already told them about that other person
       and my TRUST ISSUES?
       how could they?”
       but idk dude they just will

       you could try trusting someone again anyway
       just for kicks
       because you gotta, hollis
       you gotta because we all have to because this is what we do as humans
       we try and try again
       we can be careful and cautious
       and run by red flags naked and crying
       and shit it won’t be easy
       but it will be
       you will be.
       you will be living and trusting like an idiot
       because the other option is just being lonely
       which is okay.
       but i don’t think that’s what you want.

       honestly it’s probs his own shit
       this happened to me before and i was so fucking scared
       and i was like if my mentor doesn’t wanna talk to me anymore
       then maybe i wasn’t even WORTHY OF BEING MENTORED?!
       but it turned out to be her own stuff you know?
       he’s got this whole big life too.
       and who knows what the fuck is happening in it

       you can make it, kiddo
       i promise

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       • Thank you very much for this response! Honestly I was hoping it was just his own shit but I was worried I was just telling myself that so I could be in denial about being disowned, so it is good to hear that someone else thinks it is actually plausible. And even if he did for real disown me, sigh, I guess I will just keep on trying to be a grown-up about it.

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     • Hello my friend! Boy do I have some things in common with you.

       My undergraduate mentor was awesome until he wasn’t. All of a sudden he was kinda homophobic after I came out, but in that weird blind way that said to me he had no idea he was treating me differently? And while he did write me a very flattering recommendation for graduate school (that he wasn’t supposed to show me, but that he emailed me when it was all said and done), he’s not someone I drop by to have lunch with anymore. He’s not someone I’d email on the regular. He let me down.

       And you know what? That’s okay.

       We’re supposed to outgrow our mentors—that means they’ve done a good job in mentoring you. They’re like a security blanket. You don’t need them forever. The way he did this for you sounds like it was kinda shady—vanishing instead of saying “hey, I’m going to mentor someone else now.” But I think, ultimately, it’s good. This might be, in his mind, the equivalent of throwing you into the deep end. Likely, you did nothing except grow up.

       Mentor breakup works like regular breakup in its emotional stages—so feel your feelings. But this is your time to focus on you and the things you learned out of this platonic, mentor relationship. You should also take this time to build new skills and new avenues of interest that maybe you didn’t explore when you were chilling with your fave professor—is there anything you didn’t study while you were seeking out classes with him? What would your thesis have been if he wasn’t your advisor? Also much like a regular plain ole breakup, stop emailing him. If you need a recommendation in the future, reach out then.

       Now as for your emotions, I am going to ask you to do some mental gymnastics here. Professors, even favorite ones, are people too. And they are sometimes awkward and not the best at communicating. Sometimes if I feel myself getting a bit angry about my former mentor’s actions, I just straight up pretend he was never weird with me after I came out. I just pretend like our professional relationship ended, like, a semester and a summer before it actually did. That seems to work out pretty well for me—and has enabled me to approach him for academic recommendations without feeling any temptation to yell at him a little. This might work for you too—straight up pretend that he sent you a long, heartfelt email about how it’s time to spread your wings and fly. Because it is. It is that time. And look to the horizon for your new research, your new academic spark, your new mentor.

       Hope this helps. <3

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       • This is a beautiful response, thank you so much for sharing your experiences and encouragement. They will definitely be on my mind in the months to come.

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       • <3 This was beautiful you are a lovely bird.

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193. hello autostraddle

     i was wondering if any of you are watching the jinx

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     • If you watch it, don’t you die? Isn’t it like the videotape from The Ring but a TV show?

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       • is that why one of my eyes is bigger than the other eye

         love
         tinkerbell

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     • I’M LITERALLY WATCHING IT RIGHT NOW

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     • OMG I AM and like….
       the letter.
       all i gotta say

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194. I didn’t come up with an autostraddle pun like I wanted to, but I did read that article about what exactly autostraddling is during study hall and the teacher came over. I hope she feels educated.

     I really meant to ask for writing advice before the end of the day, so there’s that. If anyone has any thoughts they’d like to share about the craft of writing itself or the process of getting your writing out into the world, I’d be much obliged.

     I also wanted to ask Brittani something in the hopes of getting a snarky response, but then I couldn’t think of any particular question.

     Lastly, I thought it’d be cool if anyone who wanted to shared advice they always want to give but never seem to have an opportunity to (or maybe you give it anyway, you do you).

     Ok that’s a lot of questions. I’m off to bed now, and as I do so I feel much more enlightened to the workings of the world than I did this morning.

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     • DO THE DISHES.

       that’s the advice i want to share but never have the chance to. do the damn dishes because they need to be done, it’s mundane and sometimes so is life, and you’ll feel so accomplished.

       do the fucking dishes.

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     • My only advice on writing and putting it up is just to do it and keep doing it and one day you’ll look up and people will be calling you “overly honest” and you’ll be like how the hell did we get here? And then the only thing you’ll worry about putting up are things that you don’t know people will like and that’ll become fun in its own way. After you’ve figured out how to filter your voice into an easily digestible thing, keep writing shit you don’t know people will like. Keep getting weirder and let your POV get more specific. Makes you better.

       Every moment feels different and the only way to capture who you are at this very moment is to write it down right then because you’ve never been that person before and you’ll never be that person again.

       Please ask me something I can be snarky about. Being genuine is exhausting.

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195. Happy Birthday Autostraddle!!! I don’t have a question buuut I just want to say thank you for being amazing and being there for me without knowing it and for giving me some of the best friends and THE BEST girlfriend in the whole world (through A-Camp).

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     • Whenever anyone says best girlfriend in the world, I assume they are talking about me and we are not dating as far as I know so please correct this mistake.

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       • or start dating brittani, whichever you can accomplish.

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     • was it your shower

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       • Yes yes Riese it was my shower

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196. Almost all of me knows I want to transition to being vegan (and not just vegetarian)- it makes my body happier, my skin WAY happier, it’s the same cost or cheaper if I take the time to plan and stuff. I have a hard time committing to being vegan because I’m a very busy student and my go-to is cheesy pasta. Quick, easy, and comforting.

     I’d love some advice on how to motivate myself or even some advice on how to be vegan, broke, and hella busy.

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     • i think tomorrow, when all the true vegans have awakened from their space power sleep, one of them will be able to answer this question for you!!

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     • Not a staffer but a vegan!
       I’ve been a healthy vegan, and a lazy junk food vegan because of hectic life stuff, and crazy schedules. It can be done when you are hella busy, and it won’t be as hard as it seems if you go into it with a plan. I became vegan during a very broke and hectic period of my life, and it thankfully wasnt a nightmare. If you still eat meat I would first suggest taking a month to get used to not eating eggs and dairy, get familiar with all the fucking weird ingredients in things that are secretly not vegan. Then after that cut the meat out. If you are already vegetarian and want to jump to the vegan side then its just a matter of learning the ingredients and deciding if you want to cut eggs & dairy at the same time, or do a similar one month gap.

       The broke end: If you are below your state’s poverty line and meet whatever work requirements for students then look into food stamps. In both states Ive lived in students just needed part time employment. There is no shame in that game, especially when you work hard and need to stay at your best health to maintain that busy schedule. As for buying food you can buy big staple items cheap like bags of rice, potatoes, oats, things from the bulk food section, dried beans if you have the time( if not just find a cheap store brand in the can.) Beans/legumes in general are fairly cheap and a great source of protein. Lentils are the laziest ones of the bunch and you can make lots of crazy things with them. Chickpeas are also amazingly versatile. I would also look into farmers/CSAs/markets etc that might provide cheaper produce. If you want to buy certain produce in larger quantities to save money you can pre-cut and freeze them for easy cooking later.

       In regards to the actual time spent on cooking you have a few options to maximize your time/efforts:
       Sometimes small investments in tools can go a long way like rice cookers, small crockpots, a blender. These items can either make the work way easier, or provide you with a mindless sort of cooking so you can multitask better. Invest in the ones you think can benefit your life, and start off with the cheap ones first if its all you can afford. You can pick up a small rice cooker for $10 at a place like target or walmart.

       Recipes/meal planning can rely on a few different methods. Some people like the idea of meal plans for the week, or a go to list of recipes that are easy to cook and you know you can enjoy regularly. If you like the meal plan idea you can probably find some sample meal plans on website like myvega.com or from the author of happy herbivore. If you want to just get some regular recipes there are a surprising number of vegan cookbooks aimed at college kids/singles for easy quick meals for 1 or 2 people. I would also say look at theppk.com because the woman who runs that site has amazing recipes.

       And my one last bit of advice goes for food prep! Sometimes its way easier to precook a bunch of stuff at once or atleast prep parts of meals so you can throw them together quickly. If I dont have a lot of time I’ve leaned towards making big pots of soups/sauces/stews so I can atleast rely on a hearty meal once a day for the week. Now I prefer to prep items ahead. I’ll sit down at my kitchen table with my laptop and play movies or tv I would have watched during some sort of down time, and I chop my veg at the same time. I already planned on watching something, so I didn’t take up any extra time in my day. If you are good at multitasking you can also cook some items while you chop things and watch tv/movies.

       Hopefully some of that was helpful!

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197. Hey brittani if the backyard of my duplex has a garden and I’m hoping to lock it down so I do all the gardening but also get all the veggies and my downstairs neighbors just aren’t in the picture, how do I approach that

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     • Radiate aggression. Signs that say, “Rachel’s Garden for Rachel.” Talking loudly about how you use your own vegan droppings as organic garden manure.

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       • How did you know that about the manure

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198. You say it’s your birthday … it’s my birthday too!

     I don’t have a question, just wanted to show some love to everyone involved with this website (readers included). Y’all seem like such cool people! I basically followed @HEATHERANNEHOGAN here to stalk her PLL recaps (I’m over 30 so no one else I know watches and she’s always as excited as I am about its craziness), and found/find myself interested in most of the other daily posts. The content and respective voices are so diverse, which is fresh because I always feel more informed, entertained and/or educated about something (usually many things) after visiting. I’m not your target demographic, yet I visit almost daily, and the environment here feels so welcoming; it feels like y’all really try to be inclusive. Anyway, I hope you exceed all your goals!

     … To many more Happy Birthdays!

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     • THANK YOU EIRE! that is so nice and so wonderful to hear! (also HI from another member of “i’m over 30 so no one else i know watches” club)

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       • Hi back!
         Also, I forgot to mention everyone’s wit/snark/sarcasm is always on point. Yay humor!

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199. hello this is tinkerbell i have two questions for brittany

     1. do you have an orange blazer?
     2. are you sleeping with your assistant coach?

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     • I have an orange blazer sewn into the lining of all of the clothing that ever goes on my upper half (and 10% of those that go on my lower).

       I was sleeping with my assistant coach but then I fired her and it got weird but then I think she got lonely and so now we’re sleeping together again. I have not given her her job back though I’m sure she wants it.

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       • hi brittany

         do you need a new assistant coach

         all best,
         tinkerbell

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         • Desperately

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200. Team Autostraddle: first things first, you’re all excellent humans. And I’m so glad to have been reading your words through my adolescence and into adulthood – I mention adolescence because I feel you were probably fairly key in me not losing my mind 100%. My question though, is for anyone who has feelings about it. I’ve been in therapy for about a year and now I have a new guy, who is great, but not quite as good as my old guy (I think). I almost feel like therapy is not really enough/working for me any more, and possibly that medication is an idea worth considering. I kind of assume this is an idea my therapist has to broach though? I don’t know what I should do (for my mental health) and how I should talk to someone about it. I don’t feel like I have the authority, I guess, to tell my therapist guy what to do but equally I have a lot of feelings. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

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     • once upon a time i lived in new york
       and my therapist was like, i’m leaving this clinic
       for a different clinic
       and i was like oh fuck
       and i got a new therapist
       and i didn’t like her as much
       so i moved to california

       so probably move across the country,
       would be my advice
       NO BUT SERIOUSLY

       i think that:
       if you don’t like your therapist
       then look for a new one
       or try to pin down what it is about the new guy
       that just isn’t working for you
       and see if there are things you can tell him
       about how to better work with you

       if you feel like you might need meds
       i think
       it’s totally okay to broach that convo yourself
       therapists can’t prescribe meds anyhow
       only psychiatrists can
       so you’ll likely be referred
       i think maybe half the time i’ve started the convo myself
       when it has been me
       in your shoes

       so THAT would be my advice

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201. I know I keep asking about jobs, and I’m sorry, but I’m freaked out. I’m mid-30s, and I have a year gap to explain. I’m in a right-to-work state, so anything disclosed by my former employer that could prejudice anyone is fair game. Not that I’d probably want to work there, but I can’t really be choosy for the moment. I’ve taken anything potentially prejudicial off my resume (union offices, queer committee work), but a lot of places are still asking for a supervisor reference: NOT a good thing, if you’re talking bias and lack of a filter. Also, I feel old. And some of those applications ask you about mental health status; you can decline to answer, but that seems like pretty much answering. Aside from pre-college and my college jobs, all I’ve got is some teaching a 10 years at a library. It’s pretty hard to make this sound like I might be capable of doing anything not involving books. I’m really not even sure what kinds of jobs to apply for; I’m technically supposed not to be considering libraries (I don’t really want to go back to one right now) or anything that involves food in any way.

     At this point: happy birthday plus one day.

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202. Mallory, do you have books about art that you like (possibly designed for non-art audiences because I have a feeling that I’m using every single art term I know incorrectly)? Or other non-fiction book recommendations?

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     • So I can think of very few books about art (I just browse through various art databases pretty much all day long) to recommend BUT I can give you some non-fiction recommendations RIGHT NOW:

       Alice + Freda Forever, Alexis Coe
       Charity and Sylvia, Rachel Hope Cleves
       Death In Yosemite, Michael P. Ghiglieri, Charles R. Farabee
       The Black Count, Tom Reiss

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       • Thanks! I TA’d a geology fieldtrip to Yellowstone a few years ago where we took ‘Death in Yellowstone’ along as campfire reading for the students. Sadly we still had to remind them multiple times to not do things like walking on brittle hot spring deposits (it’s hard to know how thick the deposits are so you might fall through into a hot spring of boiling water) or climbing partially down steep cliffs with 300 ft drops. We also showed them the fake documentary Supervolcano the night before we left (the science is mostly correct in the film, it’s just that there’s a very very very low probability of it all happening).

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203. Hi Mallory! I’m up super late on east coast time so I might as well say hi to you. I don’t really have a question for advice (also my world turned upside down a couple weeks ago when I found out you’re a little younger than me), so I will just say that I love The Toast and probably spend 50% of my work day on there. Or, wait, this isn’t advice, but how did you decide to found The Toast? Who navigates the business side? Did anyone teach you about running a small business?

     And I guess these same questions could go to Riese! I’m probably not going to start my own business, but I do manage someone else’s business for them, so I’m pretty interested.

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     • hello! i navigate the business side, and also alex and i work together on many aspects of it! alex handles all the talking to advertisers / ad agency / ad networks / ad publishers / a+ deal people / camp sponsors / et al. and third parties who want to work with us on that end of things. she’s the people person. we talk about what to do about these situations and then she MAKES IT HAPPEN. i handle all the accounting / budgeting / financial planning / payroll, which takes up about half of my work hours.

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     • Hey! This is something I’ve talked about in a few interviews, so I’ll link to them here:

       http://zulkey.com/2013/11/the-nicole-cliffe-and-mallory-ortberg-interview.shtml#.VP6AFYF4oeE
       http://flavorwire.com/485203/talking-shit-about-hemingway-and-thoreau-with-the-toast-founder-and-texts-from-jane-eyre-author-mallory-ortberg
       http://digiday.com/publishers/toast-ortberg-disruption/

       But no, Nicole and I have had to learn a lot of things about running a small business by ourselves! WHICH HAS BEEN INTERESTING.

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204. Hi!!! I am on here super late but if I understand time zones correctly maybe someone will still be here. Also Happy Birthday Autostraddle! (My birthday is this week so we’re both Pisces so I think that’s why me and Autostraddle get along so well…)

     Anyway, my question is: how do I meet girls/make friends/talk to human beings successfully as a kinda shy person? I’ve never been that outgoing or able to make friends easily. A lot of my friends right now live in different cities so I would like to find people to hang out with here in my own city. And when I think about dating, it’s like multiplied times infinity in terms of how hard that is because there’s that added question of, “does she even like girls?”, on top of any other anxieties. I would just like some advice on how to go about these types of things without being that girl who turns bright red and spills her entire lunch down her shirt when a cute girl, or even just a cool person in general, talks to me/smiles at me/glances in my direction.

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     • hi @marfy! as someone who is remarkably extroverted in spaces where i know a lot of people but brilliantly awkward and uncomfortable when i don’t, i can speak from experience and say that hosting an autostraddle meet-up or going to one can be a really awesome way to meet cool people! everyone, in my experience, who goes to these is fucking great.

       we’re having a meet-up day on saturday and you can meet people in real life (extra points, i will love you forever if you host!) or on the internet! so: http://www.autostraddle.com/lets-meet-up-and-stay-in-autostraddles-international-staycation-spectacular-is-march-14-279114/

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205. Belly buttons- cute, sexy or eww dont even!?!?!

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     • no definitely keep your belly button

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206. Happy birthday Autostraddle! I am SO grateful for you!

     I have for real advice that I need, but it seems sort of a weird thing to ask about but here goes. How do I trick myself into taking my anxiety medication? My brain is all like “hey, if you take that medication you will feel better but when the apocalypse comes you won’t be able to get it anymore and it will be so much worse for you!” and my anxiety is “shit, do you think so? I bet that apocalypse is coming real soon too!” The medication would probably short circuit that weird little circle but it’s hard to convince myself of that. Snarky answers most welcome!

     And here’s a picture of my sweet dog celebrating her Adoptiversary for your birthday:

     (and and a link just in case I messed up that html… )

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     • the apocalypse is actually super far from now, and i weened myself off wellbutrin in under two weeks so you’ll be able to do the same SHOULD THE NEED ARISE.

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       • Thanks Laneia!

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     • Personally, I have tried 3 types of meds for my anxiety over the course of several years, on and off. I was resistant, but eventually, I just reached the point where I cared more about having a functional brain than having possible side effects. The first two didn’t really make much of a difference. No major side effects, just not very effective. When I went off them, I didn’t really notice my symptoms becoming worse than before or withdrawal symptoms (except when I stopped SSRIs cold turkey – as long as you do it gradually, you won’t notice it). And even then, it wasn’t awful and was relatively short lived. The third (sertraline), which I’m currently on, seems to be helping somewhat, at least so far. So in my personal experience is that meds sometimes work and sometimes don’t, but it doesn’t hurt to try, and they have the potential to really help.

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       • Thank you Patricia!

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207. Dear Mallory,

     I also have a short fur jacket and live in the bay area, can we hang out? I can make eggs benedict from scratch and my I was trained from childhood by a massage therapist so my I bring a lot my friendships!

     Serious question, I’m a fledgling freelance writer, which means I generally get turned down, including at the toast a few times. Is there anything I should to make pitches more attractive or way to know if I’m messing something up, or do I just pplugging away until I stockholm some weared editor into publishing me?

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     • I think getting turned down a lot comes with the territory of being a freelancer. If you’re finding a particular place is turning down a lot of your ideas, I’d recommend reading more of the stuff they do publish and checking out their submissions guidelines closely to see if there’s something you can do to better fit their publishing aims. Getting rejected a lot doesn’t always mean a piece isn’t good; it just means it’s not right for that particular outlet. It’s as much about matching the right topic with the right site as it is about writing something solid.

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208. Happy Birthday Autostraddle! One year later and I can definitively say I’m happier in my own skin than I’ve ever been before thanks to you!

     My question: What was your best birthday and why?

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     • I can’t say for sure but growing up, we didn’t get birthday parties every year. There were so many of us so you only got to do “a thing” on “big birthdays.” When I was 13, we rented out a gym for a couple of hours and I played basketball with all my friends and everyone that came got a t-shirt and there was something super corny on it. Like not just “Brittani’s birthday party!” It was a paragraph of text my dad wrote. I believe it started with Brittani’s ballin’ birthday. So not great. But still great.

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209. I don’t have any questions, I just wanna say thank you. For everything.
     Thank you.

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     • <3

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210. I went traveling for 7 weeks during which I spent almost all of it in a two bedroom apartment with 6 people and 2 cats and I had to sleep on a couch with a gay guy who would leave his iTunes on with Taylor Swift playing all night. SO I was really excited to get home and sleep in my own bed with only me and occasionally my incredibly awesome cat. Only thing is that now I’m having pretty bad dreams every night and I think maybe putting music on overnight maybe would help? I think my question is: should I download and play taysway (also is that even a thing people call her?) while I’m trying to sleep or should I branch out and try other music? What would the Straddleverse recommend? Is there a playlist for this already?

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     • I am a person who listens to Jim Dale narrate The Night Circus literally every single night while she goes to sleep. As soon as we are done here, I’m going to do exactly that. I highly recommend it—it’s kind of a nice, relaxing alternative to music. Plus Jim Dale could read the phone book and I’d be into it. Plus Audible has a sleep function so it can auto-shut-off once you’re out.

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       • Ali you are a genius!! Listening to an audio book was not a thing I had considered but it is super smart and possibly the solution to all my problems. I am heading over to my local library website this second to see if they have Jim Dale reading Night Circus available to download immediately. Thank you wonderful human!

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     • earplugs also work!

       i think find a playlist on songza or spotify that really speaks to your heart and lg/lg.
       xxoxoxo

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       • Awe thanks Laneia, these are good ideas seeing as I just discovered my library card has expired so no audio books for me tonight!

         This is a safe space, so I’m gonna go ahead and ask a dumb question. What is “lg/lg”? I saw you use it last week and didn’t know and then urban dictionary wasn’t any help and now look at me go being all vulnerable and clueless and asking the hard questions.

         <3

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         • let go and let god!

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     • Just chiming in to say ‘taysway’ is hilarious, stealing this right now! (With credit of course :) )

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211. so what do you do when everything just gets to be too much and everything hurts? what helps y’all? so far this evening I have tried a glass of alcohol and an entire bag of sweet potato chips which has not seemed to help but maybe I just had the wrong kind of chips? you think classic bbq would have been better? possible next steps include dancing with my collie and more alcohol? please advise.

     also I am so impressed by all the thoughtful and oh so wise advice pouring out of this post. you all deserve raises that is for damn sure. this is such an overwhelming expression of love and dedication to your readership and it is fucking beautiful xoxox

     ps this question is so late I realize so you don’t have to answer get some rest I’ll probs just dance with the dog about it’s fine I’ll be fine

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     • Karaoke helps me <3

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212. so i know you’ve done just under a million amazing, beautiful, and helpful shopping guides but the fact of the matter is i need new shoes again. that time in the decade has come back. i’m thinking a sneaker/boot situation and maybe not something that looks like all my other shoes (black and…black). what would you suggest? one time nike and poler did a collabo and i was so into it but now those shoes are all gone. any word? any advice? do i just still pretend i don’t need new shoes and move on? any guidance would be appreciated.

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     • I like ASOS or Creative Recs for sneaker/something else combos

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     • Alright. I really, really, really like Sk8-His right now — this pair is leather and pretty damn snazzy looking. A fancy sneaker, if you will.

       

       You could also do a sweet boot (which is my standby option, as far as multi-purpose footwear goes). This pair is a lovely shade of gray; still neutral but stepping outside of black/brown footwear.

       

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       • also if you feel especially bold… these are realllllly wicked!

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213. Damn you guys. I disappear to the gym for like 2 hours and now theres 900 something comments OMG. Is this what breaking the internet is in real life.

     Happy fucking birthday autostraddle! Must have visited the site 100x today to TRY read everyones questions and all the staff answers.

     I honestly would not know what kind of life i would have if I didnt find out about this site. I mean what else would you do on the interwebs?! Articles and stories here always seem to just validate my feelings and I never knew I could say YES THIS to a thing someone I dont know personally wrote! Its so fucking amazing! A+!! ;)

     Finding this place, this haven, and camp…I mean its just wow. Sometimes Im just at a loss for words and I wish that when I tell other people about AS and Camp that I could do you guys justice.

     Thank you for spending Autostraddle’s birthday with the community for making this AMA type thing work and everything you guys do.

     If youre coming to Camp this year, come up to me and fist bump me!!

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214. Wow, wow, wow. What a crazy (and cool af) post.

     Happy birthday Autostraddle. Thank you for creating this caring, welcoming, safe, happy, totally rad place – it’s definitely one of my favourite on earth. Thank you for making us feel so deeply, think beyond the bounds of what we know and laugh until there’s tears streaming down your face.

     With 100% sincerity, thank you, THANK YOU to the editors (especially senior editors) for this magical, mystical, all together wonderful world. Thank you for all the blood, sweat and tears, heart and soul that your pour into AS. It’s so very appreciated as you can see by the avalanche of comments above. A million and one hugs to you all.

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215. HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUTOSTRADDLE! (from Australia)

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216. Insomnia + a little bit of ambien + a dash of sadness got me to pony up and buy a year’s worth of the Silver subscription. HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Now that i missed all the advice bc its 2am where I am, i will leave you all with a monologue/poem i found that deacribes me perfectly. More the first half rather than the second.
     It is called The Ghost is Seen.

     Its ok to be a ghost
     It has its pleasures
     You’re light, you float
     You slip in and out, unseen
     There’s no love to lose
     Or burden to be
     You have so little to hold you down
     You are free
     Some pearls are never found,
     They hide under the sand,
     On the ocean floor
     No one know they’re there
     But the pearl knows
     Maybe there was a time where he wanted to be found,
     To be seen, and to be held.
     But now, only hope hurts

     I am my own secret, a secret kept by me

     Something has changed, now the ghost is scared.
     He can not float, he’s heavy, he is flesh and blood.
     He must open doors. He cannot slip away unseen.
     The ghost is sad. All those years invisible haunt him now.
     Why didn’t he try or care or be?

     The ghost is happy.
     He is found, he his held and he is seen.

     The ghost is seen.

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217. I have two questions about Scandal.
     1. What is Mellie real name? Also what kind of name is Mellie? I always assumed they were saying that real sounding name Millie not a fake one
     2. I enjoyed the first half season, got my girlfriend similarly addicted and then we suffered together through the next 2.5 seasons but now Portia is in it so should we try again and is stuff still really messed up and is the America govt actually like this? I don’t think the Aust govt is clever enough to kill so many First Family adjacent people

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     • I love Scandal.

       You’ve got to give it another chance. Season four is pretty badass, minus one dubious storyline relating to OP, mostly just cause it went on for too many episodes.

       To fully enjoy Scandal, you must suspend reality. Yes, politics is cut throat but this show is ridiculous. So just get your head in a place where murder, kidnap, super spy fathers and conspiracy are regular sides in politics and you’ll be able to fully enjoy the show.

       Ps. Mellie is short for Melody.

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       • I had no idea her name was Melody

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       • Thank you!

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     • First of all, I love Mellie’s name!

       Second of all, I think it’s definitely, definitely worth getting back into it. It’s still definitely super intense, possibly more intense and ridiculous than it ever has been, but I think it has, without a doubt, some of the best characters on TV. Olivia, Mellie, Abby, Maya Lewis, Cyrus, Rowan, these characters are amazing and I’d watch them do anything. Especially Mellie. She’s maybe my favorite character on all of TV right now. And when she gets angry and her voice gets low it’s seriously the best. Also the show has some of the best writing on tv, even thought it’s so dramatic and ridiculous.

       And I don’t think the American gov is actually like that? Because definitely a lot less people who are close to the white house seem to die in real life.

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       • Melody! I didn’t know, either, but am also a fan of her low, angry voice and acuminate Southern tongue.

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218. Well, presumably everyone is asleep now, but I wanted to say that there is a lot of solid advice here, from which I have learnt a lot, including:

     – how to sabotage inelegant bathrobes
     – the world seriously needs a queer ladies’ Tonya Harding Fanclub
     – that I should start planning now how I will boss the world with a sharp grey ‘do.

     This is proof you are all highly intelligent and attractive people. Also, shady bitches.

     Also, UPDATE: my firstmateladypartner is now trying to persuade me the robe is actually white and gold?

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219. @danielle I’m in a bit of a transitional phase right now. I’ve graduated undergrad with a theatre degree and now I’m in an MA program in London. My main focus is queer content for kids. I’m starting to get frustrated with the limited viewership in theatre and want to branch out onto the internet, video making, and social media but I feel like I’m completely out of my depths and need to start from scratch learning new techniques in a totally different medium, particularly in a medium that’s so overloaded with content. Any advice?

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220. Just trying to get this to 1000 comments… Nice round number.

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221. 1000+ comments!!!

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222. Happy Birthday Autostraddle. Thanks for being you.

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223. oh no!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I only just saw this (I didn’t go online all of yesterday… somehow) and totally missed out. You still have your banner up so I am going to ask a question even though I know you have probably finished. But I am heartsore and deeply in need of some advice, so here goes:

     I have been in a relationship for the past three years. She is a girl, I am a girl, we are very much in love. We are both 23 and in our last year of studies at (the same) university. But, over the past few months, we have stopped having sex, which is really worrying me. This situation is complicated by a whole range of things which I have no idea how to weave into a coherent narrative, so I am going to list them in bulletpoints

     – I am the first girlfriend she ever had (though she dated lots of boys before me).
     – She is the first person I ever dated.
     – She is the first person I ever had sex with.
     – The first time we had sex, I was drunk and she performed oral sex on me even though I didn’t want her to (though I didn’t really explicitly say so–it was a lack of consent). It took me 2.5 years to realise this was rape (last october). I have told her this and she was absolutely devastated and horrified that she could do such a thing to me. We were both young at the time and didn’t really know what consent was.

     – We have been long-distance many times, and tried to break up a few times as well. We always end up miserable and totally unable to function (at least on my side). So I know I don’t want to break up with her because we have tried to in the past (including the relatively recent past) and I know that I love her so deeply I can’t be apart from her.
     – We’re in our last year of uni and trying to figure out what we want to do next–jobs, study, family. We’re from different countries and planning on studying in other countries (and neither of us are from the US which is where we’re studying now). So it is stressful to find things that will satisfy us both while being close enough to not be miserable.

     – A few summers ago, when we were long-distance, we agreed to be non-monogamous. But we had different understandings of what that meant… she thought it wasn’t really going to happen and that if it did we would talk about it first; I assumed a DADT appraoch. so I ended up temporarily living at my ex-hook-up’s house and hooking up with her regularly and also becoming close to her in a way that we hadn’t been when we were hooking up in high school. I also ended up not talking to my gf that much over this period which would have been bad even if we had had the same understanding of non-monogamy. When we were back in the same place, I realised we had had different understandings of what that non-monogamy was supposed to be so I told her what happened and she got really upset.
     – Last winter, we were also long-distance, and I told her she could be non-monogamous if she watned (I didn’t want to – I had recently realised my first sexual experience was rape and was trying to figure out what to do next). She said ok and kissed someone and I super freaked out, I flew into an emotional rage (am not proud of this) and she was so freaked out by my reaction that she said she was considering breaking up.
     – So I think non-monogamy wouldn’t work for us because I am intensely insecure and I don’t think I could honestly be happy/comfortable with it.
     – I know she is(or at least was) interested in an open relationship – she says because she has been with really few other people/
     – I am also interested in an open relationship (BUT I don’t think I could deal with her being with other people: see above). I’m also confused about why I want an open relationship: do I genuinely want to sleep with other people, or is it my insecurity at play, wanting me to prove myself “cool” or “attractive” or the million other things I worry I’m not?
     – I have always been (latently) itnerested in other people but it’s coming to the forefront now that sex isn’t happening between us.

     – so, we aren’t having sex.
     – part of this is that we are busy this term
     – I get the impression that she does want to have sex and that she thinks sex is improtant for our relationship and misses it.
     – I am disinterested in sex and don’t feel sexually attracted to her. I haven’t told her this because I don’t know how to without hurting her feelings. And this is one of the big parts of the problem: I really want to talk to her (we talk about everything, usually) but I don’t know how to without hurting her.

     – this is especially important to me because I know I have seriuosly hurt her feelings and self-esteem in the past about sex. I would be critical of the things I didn’t like and bluntly tell her no or that sex hurt (while I was starting to realise what rape was, and also trying to let myself realise what I didn’t like in sex: for a long time inside my mind I had pressured myself to have sex because it was cool, and I didn’t allow myself to recognise what I didn’t like – so by the time I did recognise it I wouldb e fed up and angry with myself and quite cruel). And i know her self-esteem re: sex was really damaged by that.
     – and she has hurt my feelings/self-esteem re: sex too………… she often doesn’t want to have sex (she is figurng out her body things…) which makes me feel like I’m bad at sex which is NOT HER PROBLEM, I need to get over it, I know that. But it is difficult and I know I have become a lot less enthusiastic about sex since she has stopped wanting me to reciprocate.

     – so… what do I do? how can i talk to her about this? are we doomed? I don’t… I don’t know.

     anyway: big question, late timing…..

     HBD autostraddle – thank you for existing. :)

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     • Oh boy. Can I start off by just offering you a big hug?

       This will probably be hard for you to hear, but I don’t think this relationship, as it stands right now, sounds very healthy for either of you. It sounds like the two of you have a lot of challenges with communication, and this is causing major problems in very, very important relationship-areas like sex and negotiations around monogamy. And it sounds like a lot of the communication difficulty might stem from the fact that neither of you are entirely sure what you want in these important areas. These are all pretty big things to have to figure out, and although I won’t say it’s impossible to do that while you remain together as a couple, I will say that from an outsider’s perspective, it seems like a pretty monumental challenge that you’re facing.

       I’m also going to say that a lot of what you’re describing sounds like emotional dependence to me (and that’s because a lot of it is how I felt in my last relationship, where I now realize I became very emotionally dependent on my partner after a death in the family). This happens a lot, especially in first-time relationships, and maybe especially between two women. You’re afraid to end things because you feel like you would be completely miserable and unable to function if you broke up – and you probably would be, for a while, anyway. Breakups are pretty fucking awful. But do you really want to stay forever with someone who you no longer feel sexually attracted to? Who hurts your self-esteem (even if she’s awesome in other ways)?

       If you could get to a point where you both knew yourselves and what you wanted very well, and could communicate in healthy ways and negotiate about those things, that would be one thing. But if you’re not in a place where that can happen, believe me when I say that it is so much better for both of you to let go of this now, and maybe try to salvage the companionship and closeness as friends, if you want to do that. I understand how impossible and searingly painful it seems to even consider that, believe me. But it sounds to me like both of you need room to grow and learn and explore your own hearts, and it doesn’t sound likely that you’ll be able to accomplish that together.

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     • Here is my belated reply, love. I hope you’ll be open to a totally consensual big hug or if that is not your deal, 10 seconds of sincere and direct eye contact. I could say so much, but what I really want to say is this.

       Sometimes we stay in relationships because we’re not sure what would happen if we leave them, because it’s safe and it’s something to come home to. But sometimes these relationships are just not healthy any more. Everything I read here is sending up a red flag that it just isn’t working. Neither you, nor she, are happy and there is no earthly reason you should keep torturing each other. It sounds like you are in a very different place than when you got together and you need time to work on yourselves as individuals, to heal, to figure out what you want out of life and out of potential future relationships. You need a clean break. You need to have time and space to forgive each other. You need to have time and space to forgive yourselves. You’re going to be able to do this while staying together. The kindest thing to do for each other at this point is to release each other. I don’t doubt that this is going to be hard, but I believe you can do it. I believe you will both be happier for it, whether you go your separate ways forever, stay friends, or even if you eventually get back together. For now, though, you need time out of each others’ lives. You owe that to each other if you still love each other.

       Wishing you all the best and sending lots of love to your both.

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     • Hi you two –
       thank you so much for your replies, your care and your hugs. I am not great with words, particularly on the internet, and even more with topics close to my heart like this, so I don’t have much to say in return to your great comments. but, really – thank you, thank you, thank you. :)

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