I have two important announcements: 1. Today, April 14th, is my birthday, and 2. I just learned that while this day coincides with a number of significant historical events (the Lincoln assassination, the Titanic hitting the iceberg, the birth of Sarah Michelle Gellar and Da Brat), it also coincides with a holiday you probably haven’t heard of and didn’t know you needed. No, I’m not talking about National Dolphin Day — although it is, in fact, National Dolphin Day, and if you want to celebrate bisexual sea mammals with a truly unsettling degree of intelligence, by all means, go for it. I’m talking about Cake and Cunnilingus Day. Here’s a brief history:

In 2002, Boston-based radio DJ Tom Birdsey decided that Valentine’s Day demanded too much from straight dudes. On his WFNX radio show, he proclaimed that henceforth, March 14th would be “Steak and Blowjobs Day,” a man-centered response to Valentine’s Day which encourages women to serve up some steak and go down on their gallant guys — you know, as a “thank you” for all the V-Day flowers and chocolate. When porn curator Ms. Naughty learned about Birdsey’s “holiday” in 2006, she created her own holiday in response. Thus, Cake and Cunnilingus Day was born.

Cake and Cunnilingus Day is not an “official” holiday, but it does have an official website. The welcome page notes that while Valentine’s Day is “for lovers,” Cake and Cunnilingus Day is “a little more carnally obsessed,” centering pleasure instead of commitment. The rest of the language used to describe this celebration is emphatically cis-centric and heteronormative, but we all know that cis, straight folks do NOT own cunnilingus and they DEFINITELY don’t own cake. Queer and trans readers, let’s join this sugar-fueled, oral bacchanal and claim it for ourselves.

After all, times are tough. We could all use a little more cake and cunnilingus in our lives. So let’s celebrate, shall we?

“But Ro, I’m not into cunnilingus and I’m more of a savory food person!” THAT’S FINE! Maybe you’d rather claim a less chauvinist version of Steak and Blowjobs day, or perhaps Ramen and Rimming Day or French Fries and Fisting Day would best suit your needs. On this great day (remember: it is the day of my birth), I encourage you to commit yourself to hedonism in whatever form feels best. And if the cake/cunnilingus combo speaks to you, I’ve paired eight types cakes with eight styles of cunnilingus to inspire your revelry.

A quick note before we (muff) dive in: If you’re planning to consume cake immediately before performing cunnilingus on a vulva-owning partner, perhaps brush your teeth or at least rinse your mouth with water before you dip in. Cake and Cunnilingus Day is all fun and games until it’s followed by Yogurt and Yeast Infections Day. If you want to play it safe, consume your cake after the oral sex has concluded.

Okay, onto the pairings!

If You Prefer to Start the Day With Cunnilingus — Eat Coffee Cake

Nothing says, “Good morning and happy Thursday!” like a tongue between the legs. After your morning grind, ease into the other kind of morning grind with a slice of coffee cake. This cinnamon sour cream coffee cake recipe will pair perfectly with whatever gay oat milk latte you and your clit-licking companion are craving.

If Your Partner Likes Teasing You With Their Tongue — Eat Carrot Cake

Oral sex is about the journey. If your partner likes to dangle the carrot of an orgasm before you while they edge you for minutes (or hours), then you’re going to need some carrot cake to come down from the inevitable endorphin high. This vegan and gluten-free carrot cake recipe will suit multiple dietary needs.

If You Like Going Down on Your Partner While Simultaneously Railing Them With Your Fingers — Eat Pound Cake

Break out your bundt mold! After giving or receiving a pounding, you’re going to need some dense, moist cake to refuel. Traditionally, pound cake is made with a pound of each ingredient: flour, butter, eggs and sugar, but if you want to follow slightly more complicated instructions, this lemon Southern pound cake recipe will do the trick.

If You Like to 69 — Eat Upside-Down Pineapple Cake

If you’re in one of those lucky relationships in which two or more partners have flexible necks AND somewhat equal torso lengths, then 69ing might be your favorite form of oral pleasure. And since you like to flip it and reverse it, you’ll probably appreciate a cake recipe that includes some slick maneuvers. Try this pineapple upside-down cake recipe, which involves flipping the cake over once it’s out of the oven.

If There’s Facesitting — Eat Cheesecake

Let’s face it — performing oral sex can be hard on the neck. If you prefer to lie back and get fully smothered by your partner’s ass while you do your best tongue flicking, then you should reward yourself with some cheesecake, which offers both the softness and density reminiscent of a round rump. This matcha mint cheesecake recipe or this no-bake vegan orange almond cheesecake recipe will suit your needs.

If One or More Partners Are Menstruating — Eat Red Velvet Cake

If you’re one of those “red velvet is just chocolate — it’s not its own flavor” people, kindly step aside. “Red velvet,” like period sex, is meant to be an experience. Follow up your crimson carpet-munching with a slice of this vegan red velvet cake, which gets its hue from red food coloring, or this “naturally-dyed” red velvet cake, which gets its color from beets.

If You Like to Get On Your Knees — Eat Flourless Chocolate Cake

Perhaps you appreciate the pain of kneeling on a hardwood floor while you provide oral service. You, generous masochist, should nurse your bruises while you sink your teeth into something soft. I’m talking about flourless chocolate cake, of course! This gluten-free recipe includes a touch of coffee — you’ll need the boost before round two.

If It’s Your First Time Giving or Receiving Queer Cunnilingus — Eat Confetti Cake

Technically, “confetti cake” is just vanilla cake with sprinkles in the batter, but it tastes undeniably better — and isn’t that a perfect metaphor for queerness? If you and/or your partner are new to the art of queer cunnilingus, you deserve a cunt-fetti cake that puts you in a celebratory mood. Buy a box of Funfetti cake mix or DIY by following this recipe.

What’s your favorite cake recipe? What’s your favorite oral sex position? Drop your recs in the comments!

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