It’s an epidemic sweeping the nation — and it’s probably happened to you. Imagine this: You sit down at a communal tale of like minded queers, ready to share in the fellowship of good company, and good soup. You lift the first spoonful to your lips, prepared to be wowed by the surprisingly thick butternut squash soup. But instead it is tasteless, or near to it. The approximation of the rich, earthy flavor of squash, with the real thing lurking just beyond your grasp.
Under salting. It’s happening everywhere, and it’s disturbing the very fabric of our queer soup nights — and it’s spreading. That’s right, folks. Under salting will soon be all over our community plates. This dangerous and sinful practice is no longer just reserved for the chunky gazpacho or thin potato leek soup. Under salting is moving across thrifted tables around the nation, resulting in meh salads, dreary grain bowls and baked goods that underwhelm. If we pretend it is okay to live like this, then who knows what other hells could await us, down the line?
The nation’s leading food scientists were shocked to see this trend of under salting in the queer community. “I mean, we thought the whole success of Salt, Fat, Acid Heat” made the whole ‘Importance of salt’ thing clear,” says Dr. Bottum, real food scientist.* “But it seems like parts of the gay community missed that, and we’re doing all we can to make up for it.” The very real food scientist continued.
But there is a bright spot among these dire tidings. You can stop this horror from reaching your own tastefully mismatched ceramics! And rejoice, for the solution is simple! Add salt. Always be adding salt. Salt throughout the process, salt individual ingredients as you cook.
Don’t just add regular ass table salt, do yourself a favor and give yourself the gift of a box of Diamond Crystal Salt, the salt of the chefs and people who make a perfect roast chicken. Less salty than table salt, but with all the ability to make that next tofu and chickpea bowl soup actually, you know, taste like something. Then you will be free from the shackles of middling veggie chilis, and it will be your duty to pass the word on to the next friendly queer you see at the co-op. You’ll be reaching for a box of Diamond, and then you’ll pause and say “Hey, friend? You got a minute? I’m gonna blow your mind.”
*This is the name of the doctor who appears on The Morning Show in Season 2.
It’s April Fools but also…you’re not wrong
Surely Patricia Highsmith’s “The Price of Salt” has some involvement. Perhaps it’s her anti-semitism? This is surely a complex aituation, given how much we all loved “Carol”