Being famous sounds really hard. Having your personal life constantly photographed and dissected by the public seems like a lot of pressure, especially for a notoriously private person like the People’s Girlfriend, Kristen Stewart. Recently, Stewart caught a lot of flak for attending an event sharply dressed in a maroon blazer, calling to mind Annie Lennox or Brigitte Nielsen. Not everybody saw Stewart’s fashion sense that way; one eagle-eyed tabloid intern recognized her blazer as appearing strikingly similar to one worn by Stewart’s ex boyfriend Robert Pattinson at a Twilight premire about a million years ago. It’s no secret that fans have been waiting with bated breath for the Twilight actors to dump their current partners and reconcile, even though these two dated ages ago and both seem to have very much moved on with their lives. Conspiracy theories abound.
WHAT OTHER EVIDENCE DO YOU NEED?!?!?
Still, what if Kristen were sending Robert Pattinson a message with her blazer? What if every time you wore an outfit, it was widely interpreted as a secret message to your ex from five years ago? I couldn’t help but wonder — what other secret messages was Kristen sending with her ensembles? And to whom?
I learned very quickly that Kristen has been practicing the secret art of communication through fashion for many, many years. Here at the premiere of Remember Me starring ex-boyfriend Robert Pattinson, Stewart gives Rob a subtle hint as to exactly how gay she is by silently pleading with Tegan and Sara to come and save her from this movie
Now that she’s dating famous guitarist Annie Clark, Kristen has to step up her rock star game. She expertly used this outfit to send a secret message to Angus Young of AC/DC. The DC stands for Delevingne, Cara. This is no coincidence.
Kristen Stewart is on her way to steal your girl and there is nothing you can do to stop her. In a subtle homage to the flash-in-the-pan pirate trend of 1993, Stewart evokes Jerry Seinfeld‘s infamous puffy shirt on the red carpet for Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk.
(left image via JustJared)
Over time, Kristen has transformed from awkward vampire girlfriend to grouchy Hollywood hipster girlfriend — a Samantha Ronson for the 2010s some might say. For a walk through her favorite hangout (and Sam’s too!), LAX, Kristen chose this low-key casual look that screams “I’m her roommate! We’re best friends! That’s why I’m walking three feet ahead of her.”
Even though she’s busy being glamorous on the red carpet, Kristen still sends a secret message to this egret that she just can’t stop thinking about him.
I am waiting eagerly for Barb to reappear and tell us all about mr pouty lips and gal pals ?
Thank you. This confirmed all my suspicions about K-Stew. Now that I’m armed with this knowledge, I can go boldly forth and face Monday.
Def lost it at the egret.
stef
Stef.
St.
ef.
Totally living for Vapid Fluff articles(among other things like food,shelter, personal relationships, and weekly therapy but mostly Vapid Fluff)
Never stop fluffing!
Also does anyone think about what our fave celesbians or queerlebrities will be like when they’re old?
We’re really living in the first age of out queer celebs livin their lives publicly.
I wonder the same thing about Instagram minor celesbians who host parties and appear on reality tv sometimes and part time model. Like what will they do when they’re too tired to host parties or when people stop showing up?
Articles like this make me proud to be an A+ Member
Content for the people
I’m so glad this article actually exists! I love it! This is actually how I communicate to past exes as well! It’s fine and totally works!
Stef you are singlehandedly healing the trauma I incurred by accidentally reading the Daily Mail every day for five years. Blessings on you.
Absolutely brilliant.
Top-notch as always. The egret one really got me. The people would never have guessed that our girl KStew had some bird longings on the side, but this evidence is too much to ignore
This is the quality content I joined for!
That feather shirt falls squarely into my favourite fashion category: “Is it amazing or is it hideous?” I’d totally wear it. I think.
nobody tell the eds they let me get by with a “secret messages to egrets” tag on this post
…i totally just fucked it up didn’t i.
BAH! Choked on laughter from this comment.
COMMENT AWARD, IMMEDIATELY
SO GOOD <3 <3 <3
HIGH QUALITY INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM!!!!
Vapid Fluff is so consistent, please stay forever
This is hands down my fave thing I’ve read all week, including the news about the two Bachelorettes, but I am also living for the comments on this article.
Celebrities – keep doing you.
And Stef – keep doing the good work in covering them doing them!