Q:
There’s this girl I met at school. We started talking around July this year because we realised that we shared many common interests and that we were both Christians. On the last day of school, she said that if I were a boy she’d date me, and we got to talking about another world where I was a boy and we were dating. I said I’d be like Tommy (her ex-boyfriend) and she told me that I’d be so much better than him. She’s honestly the sweetest and most genuine girl I’ve had the pleasure of meeting but she’s very homophobic because of her religious beliefs, I knew this and was careful about not developing a crush on her.
Two weeks ago, she confessed to me over text unexpectedly. She said that she really liked me and that she felt the same way toward me that she’d felt towards Tommy. Obviously, I said I really liked her as well (again, she’s the sweetest girl I’ve ever met). However, she said that we couldn’t date properly because we were both girls because of our religion, and it would be a sin. What she doesn’t know is that I’m actually a lesbian and I feel like I’ve been very dishonest with her, because as far as she knows, I’ve only liked boys.
I haven’t responded to her texts since then, because of the guilt I’ve been harboring because of my dishonesty. I’m worried, because if she finds out about my sexuality, she might stop speaking to me. She’s extremely religious, even more so than me, and I’ve been lying to her all along about liking boys. And the fact that we can never really be together because of our religion and that we’re both torturing ourselves by only being half of what we could be doesn’t sound healthy. I do like her a lot, and she would be my first romantic experience, and I really do want to give it a try. She’s had boyfriends in the past, but her homophobia is keeping me from allowing myself to fully enjoy being with her and the initial euphoria of having someone be romantically interested in me. She’s on vacation now, and I feel so guilty that I haven’t responded to her texts, but I’m terrified of talking to her right now. I’m afraid that this might hurt the both of us. What should I do?
A:
I want to start off by validating how tough of a situation this is. You’re feeling guilty for not being truthful to your friend, you’re feeling excited that she has a crush on you, but you’re feeling conflicted about what this means for your friendship and for her coming out experience. And on top of all of that, you’re battling with your own beliefs about identity and religion! From one (previously) religious queer to another, I’m going to be up front and tell you that you’re both dealing with different experiences of internalized homophobia. Depending on your religious cultural roots, this can take many years to work through, process, or conceptualize. You probably already know this because you’ve been aware of your sexuality for quite some time.
You’ve already begun the work of discovering what your lesbian identity means to you and what your preferences are. Your friend is probably just now thinking about queerness as a real possibility for the first time, which is really scary for someone who is deeply indoctrinated by a homophobic religious teaching and/or culture. What’s even scarier is that if you do decide to get romantically involved with her, internalized homophobia could be a very complex trigger in your relationship for a while. Alternatively, it could be a specific point of connection between the two of you. I’ve personally experienced both sides of the gay religious relationship coin: a relationship where I was much more ready and willing to make changes that align with who I am while the other person wasn’t ready, and ones where our shared Catholic/Evangelical Christian backgrounds were a sacred ground of shared trauma we intimately connected over.
Regardless of which direction you want to take the relationship, I think one of the most important factors to consider is the fear you’ve harbored about sharing your true self with your friend. It sounds like the driving force of this fear is disapproval and rejection from your friend. If you feel like she really is someone close to you (romantic or not), wouldn’t you want to feel safe and loved by her for who you are? If you move forward continuing to lie, you’ll be hurting both of you by not creating a space of honesty. You will only hurt yourself further by neglecting who you are, especially to someone you care about. If you share your queer experience and explain why you’ve been hiding it, there’s a chance she could be upset, but there’s also an equal possibiity she could feel validated and understand your point of view (after all, you’re both grappling with the same religious beliefs). From there, she could want to try and make something work with you, she may want to draw a boundary, or she may stop talking to you altogether. It really depends on how ready she is to confront her own internalized homophobia.
If she does cut you off or needs space, know that IT ISN’T YOU. She’s already going through it trying to figure out feelings she has for you. She’ll need time to figure out her own values within her beliefs. For her this may look like shutting you out, just like for you it looked like lying to her about your lesiban identity all these years. If you feel like you have the emotional capacity and support to reach out to her, I would encourage you to sit down and have that honest conversation with her. If nothing else, you’ll get the chance to cultivate respect and pride for yourself just as you are, which is really the most important outcome from this situation.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
