Welcome to the Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun.

We usually do this column bi-monthly, however some questions have epically urgent needs! Like when there’s a global pandemic happening, for instance. And so, without further adieu, we bring you: Into the A+ Advice Box: Quarantine Special Edition! 

We solicited answers from all our senior editors, so let’s dive in.

Q1:

For folks living alone during this pandemic, how do you reckon with the fact that you just don’t know when you’re going to get to touch another person? What do you do when video chatting isn’t enough? How do you feel like a person again? How do we get through this without losing our minds because honestly, today, I feel like I’m losing it.

My love languages are quality time and physical touch. It’s so hard going from seeing my friends and partner every day to going on 21 days without any human contact.

A:

Kamala: I feel you on the living alone front, and the madness that can follow when you realize that you are sharing your actual life, the one that involves your body, with literally not a single person. I also value quality time and touch so much, and I’m also frequently losing it! But I think it’s okay to lose it and find it again and the back and forth. On the quality time front, you can still have long-ass convos with all your loves! I will do specific things together like decide which socks I don’t need anymore or watch each other cook or read each other the best things we wrote that weekend or make drinks and talk shit together.

Touch is harder! I’m trying to take time specifically to focus on and remember the sensations of sharing touch with a person, and just recalling the times when I felt really close to and cared for by people. Legit, sometimes that just makes me sad, but other times it reminds me of all the ways this is just the present moment, and there have been and will be other nows. I also cuddle with my pillows? I put my phone on the bed next to me when I’m FaceTiming or Zooming and pretend my friends and I are lying in bed together chit-chatting?

I also have made some decisions that some people might call suspect, but I have 3 close friends who are in my “pod” and we see each other occasionally. I’m currently washing my friend’s new duvet cover he had sent to my apt and later we’ll wear our masks and go for a physically-distant walk in the dead of night, when everyone else is hopefully sleeping.

Riese: The bad news is that you are going to go crazy. I’m sorry!!! I am quarantining alone. I’ve had some practice being alone for an extended period of time, but I kinda went crazy then, also. I have a small dog, which is helpful (this is the first time in my life I’ve wished I had a big dog!) w/r/t the opportunity to touch something that is also living and breathing. I’ve just been accepting the lack. There are ways to feel physical comfort, like blasting the AC and wrapping yourself in a soft blanket. Staying active and in touch with my own body through exercise is probably also helpful. But I think this might just be a really terrible thing that we will have to bear.

Rachel: We’ll have an article addressing this a bit hopefully going up this week; the draft is in my inbox rn! But in the meantime, what I’ve been trying to do as a single person is focus on what somatic/bodily experiences I can have even though they aren’t another person — I have a weighted blanket that’s really been key for me, and I have a hot water bottle that I fill at night because the feeling of a warm, weighted soft thing in bed is helpful. Other sensory experiences like hot showers or baths or cuddling with pets when possible help a little too. I’m sorry that there isn’t a real replacement — it’s been very hard for me too, and I understand!

Q2:

So with the virus going around, I haven’t seen my girlfriend in about a month and a half. She’s not doing well, mental health wise and IDK how to keep helping her. She’s three hours away and I can’t just drive to see her because my state has been ‘banned’ from her state. What’s a good way to keep helping her from a distance? I’m worried about her.

A:

Rachel: This is hard, I’m so sorry! It’s also hard because ultimately your girlfriend will know the answer to this better than we will; different things will be helpful for different people! I understand she might not be in a super great place to articulate what she needs right now — and also like, obviously what would probably be MOST helpful for her would be for this pandemic to be over, which unfortunately you can’t do. But if you can try to get a sense from talking to her of what overall pain points she’s having, you can try to make a plan with her – if she’s missing structure and routine, you could try to create one together, and have meals or work time at the same times. If she’s needing access to a therapist or actual clinical practitioners, it might help her to have someone else take on some of the tedious work of researching what her options are or making calls or figuring out her health insurance coverage. If she’s really hurting for social contact, you could try making more consistent or structured hangouts, or taking on some of the work of reaching out to her friends and organizing stuff if she isn’t feeling up to it. I’m sorry this is so hard right now, and I’m thinking of you and your girlfriend <3

Q3:

Need advice! I asked a girl out on New Years and we hung out twice but both got busy. Then quarantine started, and she needed a place to live, so now she’s my roommate. We vibe well together and can’t stop talking and now I am quarantined with a crush. Should I lean into it? Should I back away? Anyone else ever been quarantined with a crush? HALP

A:

Laneia: Damn this is amazing. I’d put a pin in this crush and check back in on myself AFTER the lockdown. If, however, we’re all still locked down after six months and you still have a crush and you have SEARCHED YOUR SOUL for any whiff of desperation, scarcity mentality, end-of-world panic, convenience of proximity, or anything else that would surely be a terrible reason to date someone, I think it would be safe to float the concept of romance and see what she thinks. I mean, truly all of this is bananas as hell and I would give anything for an update, please.

Q4:

Help! My roommate essentially moved their partner into our apartment during this global pandemic, without talking to me first. The partner has been here so long now that we’re actually in violation of our lease (we’re not allowed to have guests longer than 5 nights without written consent from the landlord). Our apartment is only about 900 sq ft, and they’ve comandeered the kitchen and living room for the past 5 days. They leave dirty dishes, food, and garbage all over the surfaces. They’re not taking social distancing as seriously as I am, and they are not helping with cleaning or disinfecting. I’m feeling like a couple’s live-in housekeeper in my own home, and I spent the past 5 days locked in my bedroom because it’s uncomfortable to be in the “common” areas while they play house. On top of all of that, we are flying through (our reasonable supply of) toilet paper (… for 2 people). I didn’t sign up to live with a couple. How do I address this situation with my roommate when the partner will not go home?

A:

Riese: You are 100% entitled to be pissed about this. Sit your roommate down, explain that you’re in violation of your lease and the last thing anybody wants right now is to be in violation of their lease, that there is garbage and food everywhere and you feel like a live-in housekeeper in your own home. You’re also entitled to have 50% say in social distancing policies for your apartment, not 33% say, and they are literally endangering your life. I’m assuming despite you not actually saying this that this is how the partner normally lives and they probs don’t even notice that they are doing it, and the power dynamic in their relationship is such that your roommate hasn’t said anything to them about it, or else is just generally inconsiderate and hasn’t thought about how their behavior might impact you. You can approach it gently — like “Hey, we’ve never really had to talk about this before because it hadn’t come up, but I like to live in [xxx way] and ever since your partner moved in [etc etc].” You can also gently say that you would’ve liked to have been asked about the partner moving in, as a more low-key entrance into that conversation.

Q5.

You guyyyys and otherwise identified people. In these troubled times we’re leaning on our group chats for social contact, which is fine, AND YET one of the women on my best group chat is really not pulling her weight with her life in general, and instead relies on her anxious partner and elderly parents. I try to gently and supportively suggest ways she could help her situation (really easy stuff, like getting a £15 microwave because she’s always burning herself on the hob, having energy bars in so she doesn’t have to cook something if she’s feeling faint) and I think she’s offended every time I suggest things, and the other girls on the group think I don’t understand what she’s going through. I’m really here for chosen family, but I want people to be at least taking some steps towards trying to help themselves, and I think sometimes we’re in danger of validating each other into complacency. Life is hard. It’s gonna get harder under Coronavirus lockdown. But we’ve gotta keep TRYING, you know?

A.

Laneia: Life is super hard and will for sure get harder and sometimes easier and even harder still and then joyfully hilarious and great and then hard again! You’re right about that. All the other stuff though, No. I’m sorry to say this to you because I know you have her best interests in mind, and those of her anxious partner and elderly parents, and I truly believe you’re a very good person! So is she!

If she’s not asking for advice on how to keep from burning herself on the hob or how to keep from fainting, you shouldn’t give her advice! I bet you have other genius ideas — to be honest, I am also a genius with great ideas that could solve so many people’s problems! I’m serious! — but you have to just keep them all to yourself until someone asks for them specifically. And even then, they’re under no obligation to actually do any of the things! It’s a burden to know exactly how other people could make their lives easier and then have to sit back and watch them not do any of those things, but it’s a burden you must bear.

You should assume that she’s doing her literal best right now, and operate from a space of judgment-free generosity of spirit. The only thing you can control is how you treat people and how much of your energy you put into something. Consider leaving the group chat if her depression/anxiety/failings have this much of an effect on you. You will not change this person, but you can change how you interact with her.

Rachel: I hear you, for sure, and much like Laneia feel that I know what other people should be doing to solve their problems virtually all the time, and I’m sure that your suggestions genuinely would make a big difference for her! And I agree overall that when we can, it is best to keep trying, but the truth is that what that means looks different for everyone, and also that we can’t talk anyone else into trying when it doesn’t come from a genuine place of internal motivation. The lightbulb, wanting to change, etc. The truth is that if she was in a place of actually wanting to fix these problems, she would have tried to do so by now; I think she’s in a different place, and while that’s frustrating from an external point of view, it happens. (I’m sure there have also been times in your own life, as there have been in mine, where loved ones were dying to see you make a change but it just wasn’t possible on your end yet, and when it was possible, you did it.) I think in these situations what’s most helpful for me is to find an affirming-but-not-enabling statement of support — like “I’m sorry, this sounds really frustrating for you; if it were me, I would feel really overwhelmed too” — and return to it over and over, as genuinely as possible. And when she is ready to make changes to her situation, maybe you will be the one she turns to about it.

Q6.

I want to do yoga, but I really don’t want to learn yoga from a scary stepford Lululemon clone. Are there any ways to do this while trapped at home by the plague?? Are there videos or an app that isn’t full of identicle stick-thin cis white woman teachers? Please send help.

A.

Laneia: THE UNDERBELLY YOGA !!!!!!!!! with Jessamyn Stanley, whom you should promptly follow on IG because you deserve nice things and happiness. HAVE A WONDERFUL YOGA JOURNEY LMK HOW IT GOES.

Q7.

How long into a new job (which is letting me start remotely thankfully) do I wait until I ask if I can overtone my hair? Wanna do the quarantine makeover but also want to make a good impression!

A.

Rachel: Hm I am maybe not the best person to answer this (or maybe I am???) because I would 100% just do it as soon as you want to and let them live with it. I think everyone’s brains are so fried from this and it’s such a bizarre ideal to try to keep ‘professionalism’ alive during this time that I would be really shocked and horrified if anyone thinks less of you as a co-worker for this, but also I don’t know your field! I think you can check the employee guidelines and HR guidebook and if they have really intense rules about personal presentation maybe you want to ask someone on your team that you feel closest to or have a gut feeling you can trust, what their thoughts are?

Q8.

Hi all! I need a bit of advice. Roommate/very close friend is a phenomenal person… she’s just also an incredibly loud eater. It gets louder every day. I can sometimes leave the room before she starts eating or bite my tongue until she’s done eating. She doesn’t really have many other habits that grind my gears, but quarantine makes ignoring the lip smacking noise increasingly difficult. I really don’t want to end up being annoyed with her at the end of all this just because I can hear her eating food through walls. I’m sure I’m not perfect and she’s never brought up things that bother her about me, so I guess I should just grin and bear it instead of making her self-conscious about something she does several times a day. Thoughts? Advice? Thanks for all you do!

A.

Riese: Oh man, this is tough. On the one hand, probably this annoys everybody in her life and knowing about it would therefore change her life, on the other hand, it’s a hard habit to break and you have no idea how the feedback will land! I used to date someone with misophonia, which is sort of like a very acute sensitivity towards certain noises — chewing most prominently, also forks scraping plates, breathing heavily, lip smacking – which made me very conscious of myself and aware of every noise I ever make ever which was a lot but also meant I sometimes did have to tell someone that we couldn’t eat in the same room because of her sensitivities, but more often than that, had to make up an excuse for why she had to leave the room, wasn’t eating with us, etc.; to spare people’s feelings. But also she’d often be very annoyed by friends/exes who chewed loudly but never told them directly and I wondered if that was better, or if it just meant a lot of behavior that confused her friends/exes. That’s what I’m thinking about right now w/r/ t you. I’m not sure if you’ve tried this yet but one thing that helped was always having the TV on while eating and her sitting far away from the offender. If you think you might have misophonia, I’d truly just tell her. I’ve done it and it went fine. If you think she’s just a particularly annoying chewer and you don’t have a specific sensitivity, your choices are probably to leave the room when she eats or put headphones on if you can hear it through the wall… or figure out a really gentle way to tell her that normalizes it to not inspire too much self-consciousness, like packaging it with a story about a roommate who had an issue with something you did that you hadn’t noticed. Her reaction will probably be embarrassed and defensive at first because we’re all human, and then could relax. But also, I am curious to see what other people think!

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