Welcome to the 92nd edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We do this column TWICE a month.

Every other A+ Advice box of the month is themed! And we are currently taking suggestions for next month’s theme, so…what do you think? Should we do a Seasonal Depression box? 😭

Then there are general Into the A+ Advice Boxes, where we take questions on practically any topic. You can send questions on any topic, at any time. We’ll be publishing this box later this month, so get those in!

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

Throughout this year I have been cultivating a friendship with a fellow queer BIPOC farmer I work for and, with farm season ending, I’m wondering if I should ask them out (again!).

In May I asked them out & they said “I dont think it’s a good idea since you’re my employee, but i did think about it a lot.”

Since then our friendship has only strengthened, and we have had LITERALLY THE CUTEST “friend dates” together & we excitedly plan future hangouts. We’re emotionally vulnerable, our conversations flow so effortlessly, our ability to be silent with each other is mutually appreciated.

We have an AMAZING FRIENDSHIP & i’m scared to jeopardize it by asking them out! AND everytime we hang out it feels so GOOD and the goodness seems to FEED my crush feelings instead of supporting a “this friendship dynamic is enough because it’s so good” mentality. I wonder about any colonized “must have, must own, must MORE!” conditioning happening there, as well as relational hierarchies favoring romantic relationships over friendships.

Crush and I share a queer trans BIPOC community, aka we are in a fun gay friend group, and dating complicates friend groups, and break ups especially complicate friend groups.

Honestly I want THEM to ask ME out! haha. but if that doesn’t happen I do feel like i want to ask them out again, mid Noviembre. I’m thinking I would “do the deed” via a letter so they can have their time to think, “I really value our friendship. I’m wondering if you have the desire and capacity to go on a date now that farm season is over and, regardless, I’m grateful for our friendship.”

Are there options I’m not perceiving? ♥️

A:

Carmen: Honestly? (And this is rare for me! So please know that I mean it!)… I would ask them out a second time? It seems to me that you’ve been really thoughtful about the various angles on how this can play out, you’re being considerate of the immense value of your friendship, and when you previously approached it this person even went as far as to say that they had also thought about it, but the timing wasn’t ideal. Well, now the timing has shifted!

Yes, it’s possible that the first No was this person trying to let you down gently, and they weren’t actually interested, but in this case it would be reading more into their words than if we just took their words at face value. It feels worth a second ask in mid-November to me. And of course, if they say No a second time — you should leave it there. That will be the line in the sand. I don’t know if I’d do a letter specifically? But that might just be a matter of personal taste/style. Either way, I think there’s a lot of green flags here. I say you go for it if you’re feeling like it’s time, and I’m wishing you all the best.

Riese: I agree, ask them out! I think it can be awkward to stay friends with someone you are madly in love with who doesn’t return the feeling, but I think the stakes here are pretty low, like if they say no I think you can still be friends. I would probably end the text with like, “but if you’re not into it and would rather just stay friends that is cool with me and we can pretend like this never happened” but maybe that’s not your style.

Nico: I think if there’s mutual attraction and what’s preventing y’all from dating is a job-related circumstance, then if that situation reaches a natural end, you can ask again! I also think that while sure, I also firmly believe that prioritizing romantic relationships over platonic ones or friendships is something we should be working to disentangle ourselves from, that there’s also nothing wrong with embracing attraction if you feel it with another person. Life is short and hard and why not find intimacy and romance when you have the chance? As for the situation with the friend group, do you think other people would hold back from hooking up or dating someone if they wanted to do that? In my experience, not everyone has the same considerations, but you could always talk with some trusted friends in the group to see how they’d feel. I feel like your friends would want you both to be happy, though! I also don’t know about the letter as format, but that entirely depends on your individual sensibilities, which you’re going to know best.

Q2:

When I first came out, I was scared that my family would reject me. They didn’t! Which is great! But their reluctant support hurt in a different sort of way. It’s been many years and I still feel this vast gulf between their expectations of me and who I really am. They want to talk to me more and spend more time with me, which I know I should be grateful for, but I also feel exhausted after every conversation and, especially, after seeing them in person. Through years of therapy, I’ve accepted the ways my family won’t change. I push back when they say things that are inexcusably homophobic, but bite my tongue about a lot.

I’ve had friends suggest I create further boundaries with my family, some even suggesting I cut them off altogether. But my family would tell you I’ve created a lot of boundaries already! They’re always accusing me of not calling enough and not seeing them enough and being too hard on them. I feel like I’ve found a middle ground between their expectations of our relationships and my mental health. But even with this middle ground, I know my friends are right to be concerned about the way my family makes me feel.

We talk a lot about queer people being cut off from their families. But can queer people cut themselves off? What if I don’t want to cut myself off completely? My lack of connection with my family makes me sad enough. Widening that distance doesn’t feel like something I want to create myself. Or maybe I’m kidding myself and that distance is already there? Why isn’t my incredible queer chosen family enough? Why can’t I give up on wanting my biological family to love me in a deeper way either to create more distance or to be less upset after less-than-great interactions with them? Also what if I would be more inclined to cut off one family member but not another when they’re all very close with each other?

A:

Kayla: I want to start by saying: Yes, you can absolutely cut yourself off. It’ll be hard, it’ll be complicated, but if your friends are concerned about the way your family makes you feel and if you have to constantly bite your tongue around your family, it sounds like there is significant evidence that the boundaries you currently have in place are not working. I have two people in my life who have modeled what it looks like to cut off contact with parents. For one of those people, they’ve gone full no contact, a decision that was arrived at after a period of kind of what you’re describing…where it seemed like they were setting boundaries with their parents but really were just having to constantly bite their tongue and diminish themselves. After going full no contact, there was an immediate improvement in their mental health, and while she maintains that it’s what’s best for her right now, she also remains open to the possibility it might change. In fact, she hopes it does. Because yeah, going no contact with parents is hard! It’s not what she necessarily wanted, but it’s what she needed.

With the other person in my life, there’s a little more back and forth. She goes through periods of no contact and periods of contact, and she has figured out that’s what works best for her right now.

I do think you’re onto something when you say the distance is already there. And I think that’s actually what is making you feel so sad about this! Your family already doesn’t fully embrace who you really are, but now you’re the one forced to step away from people who won’t step towards you, who won’t take the time to see the hurt they’ve caused. I’m gonna be honest: If you do decide to cut off contact or otherwise significantly shift the way you interact with them, they might say awful things. They might “blame” you instead of looking inward, especially at the beginning. But there are also times when no contact does force people to reckon with their own actions and grow.

Also, I do think the approach of cutting off one person can work! It’s hard, but it’s doable. It’ll be important for you to have a hard rule with the other family members about not discussing that family member though.

This all sucks, and I’m sorry! But just know that even though it feels like a huge decision to cut yourself off, it doesn’t have to be forever. It sounds like whatever boundaries you currently have are just not working, and sometimes it does require a massive shift, which can also allow you to reflect, too, and perhaps might give you even more perspective and insight into your family’s behaviors.

Riese: Hmmm I think there’s really no good solution here — every possible path forward is a compromise or has the potential to be upsetting. Cutting family off can be a last resort — but it also can simply be the most healthy and affirming choice for a lot of people.

I have a close friend whose parents are Trump supporters who has struggled a lot with how to process that, when to bite their tongue and let it go and when to push back and how to reconcile their family’s impact on their mental health. But ultimately they do seem to have found peace in a place where their expectations of their family are realistic and when it comes to politics, very low. They remain extremely close, even though that underlying disappointment and frustration never goes away and it’s a super-sensitive topic for them in general. I remember they had to take a small step back around election time because the disappointment that their parents wouldn’t even vote for Joe Biden, the most moderate candidate on the ticket, over Trump, was just so immense.

Also, as a Jewish person I am familiar with the familial situation in which one is constantly being guilted for setting boundaries or not calling enough, not seeing them enough, etc etc, like that song in Transparent (“your boundaries are my trigger”). Have you tried setting boundaries around your boundaries? Like when they complain about you not doing this or that enough, just indicating that that’s not up for discussion and you’re not getting into it? (I know it’s really hard-to-impossible to break out of the ingrained communication patterns we’ve established with our families.) Is there a way to not let that specific guilt trip get under your skin? Because it sounds like the best way to keep them in your life is to, at the very least, maintain your current boundaries and possibly set some more, or taking some brief breaks altogether.

I do think an important step here is probably on some level figuring out how to be less disappointed or upset by your interactions with them, and steeling yourself for that, accepting that your interactions with them likely won’t be assets to your mental health. After accepting that, is there still enough there to make it worth your while and emotional energy? There’s all kinds of things I put emotional energy and time into that don’t benefit my mental health, but there are other reasons for doing them, and sometimes love or a deep emotional bond or even a sense of duty or comfort is that reason.

Q3:

Hi! I’m struggling a bit with my more people pleasing tendencies and also being firmer about “rules” while planning a wedding. I’m realizing a lot of my straight friends have ingrained assumptions about “wedding etiquette”/rules. For example, a lot of them assume they automatically get a +1 invite, whether they’re single or in a relationship. Truthfully, even for some people on the guest list who ARE in relationships, their partners aren’t necessarily invited if me and my partner have never met them. We’re kind of playing it on a case-by-case basis/making our own rules instead of trying to adhere to rules that seem kind of dated and weird to us. Even for some of my queer friends, there are assumptions being made about +1s — this despite the fact that I was pretty clear on the invitations and on my wedding site about it being an “invite only” wedding. I don’t want anyone to feel excluded or uncared for, but I also don’t really want strangers at my wedding.

A:

Carmen: I really liked what you said at the end of your own question, actually! “I don’t want you [the friend/friends in question] to feel excluded or uncared for, but I also really don’t want strangers at my wedding.” If I was your friend, and you said that to me, I’d completely understand that boundary — and I would feel like it was compassionately explained to me.

I recommend using a sentence like that example as a boilerplate text, that might especially be helpful to have a script to work from if you’re nervous about hurt feelings or disappointing anyone as a self-proclaimed “people pleaser” (and those quote marks are not sarcastic, I completely get it!). Even if you’re not comfortable asserting it with your friends — though I think you should, if they are truly your friends they are going to understand this completely reasonable request! — having a sentence like that one taped up on a Post It somewhere where you can see it might make an internal difference. Your wedding day is creating an intimate and cherished memory for you and your partner, you absolutely have a right to create those memories on your own terms.

For what it’s worth, I’m a chronically single person and I have never once been given a +1 to any wedding that I’ve attended. Until this question, I honestly assumed the “+1” rule had died out with trends at least a decade ago? So I think you’re in good company here. Wishing you and your partner a gorgeous, loving wedding!

Drew: Personally, I think there is no right way to have a wedding. It should be about your desires and your partner’s desires. I do know from having straight family that this is not a belief shared by some, especially in straight culture! People have very strong opinions about what should and shouldn’t happen and are quick to take offense!

I’m here to say your desire not to have a bunch of strangers at YOUR wedding is completely valid. The question then becomes how can that desire be communicated. I think a lot of people have created false hierarchies like no +1 means you don’t care about them. So I do think making sure they know they’re important to you and it isn’t personal. Earlier this year I attended a friend’s wedding and she messaged me around the time invitations were going out and was like “our wedding is small which is why you don’t have a plus one but I just want you to know we’re so excited to celebrate with you.” It was really nice! Even as someone who would not have thought twice about not getting a plus one, it was still nice.

Q4:

Hey Autostraddle team! I’ve been working with my therapist on my people pleasing tendencies. They’re really bad and tough to sort out because I wind up convincing myself that what the person I’m people pleasing wants is, in fact, what I actually, organically want. And I don’t even realize it!!! I have multiple partners and always plan to, but there’s one I’ve really connected to and gotten to know more deeply over the past half a year or so and a thing about them is that they want kids…and I always thought I didn’t want kids, until I started thinking about it recently. I’m in my mid-30’s and having to face facts that if I’m going to legitimately start planning to start a family the organic way (with my uterus), then I should probably do it in the next couple of years. The time to make a call is still a ways out (like at least a year or two), but I’m thinking that I might want to do just that with this person who also wants kids and would, I think, objectively, be a good co-parent (not in the same household, but living separately), even if we didn’t remain together, so that part doesn’t scare me too much. But what does scare me is knowing my own mind. Do I actually want kids? Have I just decided to start thinking about wanting kids because I’ve been influenced in that direction by someone I’m really into? Was not wanting kids before just youthful rebellion and now I’m seeing things differently? Is this maybe kind of normal, or am I in danger of making a decision I’ll really regret? The stakes are really high here! My body, parts of my autonomy, a whole ass other person are all on the line and I don’t want to wind up with regrets, whichever way I go. How do I tell what’s “real”? Help!!

A:

Kayla: This is super relatable in the sense that I have changed my mind about kids MANY TIMES, and sometimes there seems to be a direct correlation to what kind of relationship I’m in at the time, which makes me spiral and wonder if I’m basing my decision on truly what EYE want or if it’s being influenced by the person I’m with.

This is going to sound overly simplistic, but I just sort of had to…wave away that anxiety. I had to just trust myself that whatever I wanted in the moment was what I really wanted. It’s obviously such a big decision, and it’s one that takes a little extra work (and money) for queer folks most of the time, so even though I’ve changed my mind periodically, I have to trust that if I were to go down that path it would be because it’s something I genuinely want. I think normalizing changing one’s mind about this in different stages of life is an overall okay thing too. I also think it’s okay to be somewhat influenced by other people. It sounds like you are especially drawn to the idea of having a kid with this person because they’d make a good co-parent, and that doesn’t have to be seen as just doing what they want but rather y’all’s individual choices impacting each other, which is actually okay!

Carmen: I agree with Kayla! I think you’re showing a lot of balanced thinking here, and what you seem to be expressing is trust in this person to be a partner that you’d be interested in co-parenting with… and isn’t that ultimately how it would happen for anyone? How else does anyone decide to have a child with someone (well, ok have a child “on purpose” with anyone)? They date, they get older, the weight the idea of having a kid in their head, and eventually at the intersection of those things — their maturity, their desire, finding the “right” partner — they come to a decision. That’s what you’re describing, and I think that’s great.

It’s also true that you still have some time to make a final call. I think you should give yourself permission to change your mind again (and again) as you roll the idea over in your head. You might feel differently in three months or in six, and that is also fine! Or you might find as time goes on that you feel even more secure in embarking on this next adventure, and if that starts to feel scary, I hope you give yourself some kindness there. I’m sure that whichever way you ultimately decide is going to be what’s right for you. You’ve been doing the work and going to therapy and asking all the tough, good questions, it’s OK to trust yourself from here. You got it handled.

Riese: I also agree with Kayla! It’s okay for there to be so many reasons and factors going into what you want besides some hypothetical consistent steady inner voice in your gut — this is something I say about a person’s sexual orientation too. Just ‘cause you didn’t come to that conclusion in the typical way doesn’t mean it’s the wrong way.

Q5:

Poly question here: is my boundary appropriate and also I know you are going to tell me to talk to them, but how do I bring it up in a way then that isn’t going to hurt their feelings? I have this partner who has a girlfriend (a fiancee really) and they’re getting married and everything next year, so it’s very serious. I don’t struggle with much jealousy, but I do struggle when I feel like I’m not getting focused attention and care within the dynamic I have with a date. It’s now been maybe two months since I last saw this date, and when I did, I went over and co-worked at their place (we both work from home). It sounded like it was going to be nice, but I didn’t find out until the night before that I had to arrive after noon because their fiancee works a shift that starts late, so they aren’t awake and out of the house until noon. I work a 9-6pm or so, so this was objectively going to take up my lunch break. I figured it might be a nice change of pace and accommodated them and went there anyway. They set me up in a separate room from them (not my idea of coworking) and the whole thing was just very weird. We had sex after the workday ended, and then I had to leave because I had evening plans. A few weeks pass and I invite them to make plans to go out and get dinner with me because I actually wanted to spend time hanging out and getting to chat, you know, at the same table. They agreed, but then their partner hurt herself so they had to cancel. That’s fine, but I was waiting for them to reschedule, because the rule is that if you’re the one who cancels plans, then if you want to hang out again, you propose plans, right? I told them I’d love to do something autumnal, and they said they were going to think of things, and then I didn’t hear anything after that. Then, I went out of town, and they sent me a list of several dates for when I got back that they framed as days that would be good for coworking. I ignored this message entirely because…that’s really not where it’s at! I don’t want to drive over on my lunch break to hang out in a separate room for five hours without my stuff and my comforts and things, you know? They’re much more of a homebody than me, but I’ve planned dates for us in the past and have showed them things, and they know I love adventures, so it’s not really a secret when it comes to knowing how I might like to spend time. That coworking date was in September and I’m still waiting to see if they’ll ask me to hang? We still text a lot and they send me a lot of horny texts, and honestly, I’m getting kind of tired of it. Like, I don’t want to JUST text. I like them a medium amount, attraction wise and the sex is good, and we really vibe when we talk. It’s really fun and we have a lot in common and I do like that they have a partner and that they don’t want to see me all the time. But they should have asked me to hang by now or made plans, right? I think, also, asking for what I want feels so prissy? Like being like “why don’t you make date plans for us” feels naggy and I would rather just be the fun date who doesn’t do a lot of emotional support. I think that might be why I’m so resistant to bringing it up. But I also realize getting all resentful while not communicating isn’t good. I don’t know. I think what I am trying to deal with is how worth it is this? Are they signaling that they don’t care about seeing me in person?

A:

Carmen: Ok so! First, you’re right! I am going to tell you to talk with this person. I think it’s probably not helping for you to harbor hard feelings that are taking up space for you without an outlet (and I get the sense you might also know as such as well? You mention “I also realize getting all resentful while not communicating isn’t good”). Beyond that, and I know you already know this but, communication is so vital in poly dating. I know you said that you’d rather be the fun date who doesn’t do a lot of emotional support, but poly relationships by definition have… a lot of people’s emotions involved. And you’re one of those people! You should honor your own emotions with some upfront communication.

This brings me to my second thought, which is: If I were in your shoes, I’d start by asking myself how much I want to continue pursuing this person? You mentioned starting getting tired of a flirty text-only relationship, and having an interest in going on adventures when this person is a bit of a homebody, and finally that you don’t want to always have to plan when this person doesn’t quite seem comfortable “taking the lead.” I think all of those are significant reasons to take stock and decide if this is a relationship that’s feeling worth it for you?

Yes, it is possible that this person is trying to give you a soft ghosting (“are they signaling that they don’t care about seeing me in person”). But the only way to find out for sure is unfortunately to ask them? And before I’d jump into that situation, I’d want to make sure that this relationship is one that feels worth it to me. Based on the details you’ve shared, I think it’s possible that you are both not a good match for each other, for a variety of reasons, and that is OK! That happens in dating all the time. I think it’s also possible that you might already have a gut instinct around that, and I’d encourage you to trust that gut or give yourself permission to do what’s the right call for you. And if you ultimately decide that you still want to pursue dating this person, then the next step is definitely a (calm, kind) direct talk.

Kayla: I agree with Carmen proposing the question of really evaluating how much you want to continue pursuing this person. I don’t think they’re disinterested in you necessarily, but I get several indicators from your letter that this might not be the best fit, and that’s okay!

Drew: I would add that timing is super important in any relationship. It sucks since you clearly care about this person but it sounds like they’re just preoccupied with other aspects of their life at the moment and aren’t able to give you what you need from a partner. The question I think you need to ask yourself is whether you want to give this relationship space, but maintain it for a possible shift in the future or if it would feel better for you to have a clean break. Either way I think it’s clear you need to look to get these needs met from other people.

Q6:

Earlier this year (January, for context) there was confluence of really dramatic family events (literally a wedding and a funeral in the same week, and not in the fun Four Weddings and a Funeral way) that… to make a long story extremely short, ended with me running out of my father’s wedding reception to his new wife in tears. Needless to say, we haven’t spoken after that! There were some brief text messages early on from him “demanding” that I call him — I refused to heed those demands on principle; he’s been made aware that he hurt me greatly and instead of saying “I’m sorry,” he chose a different route. Then with time, there’s been brief awkward exchanges on holidays or to update on family member’s health, and that’s about it.

I should clarify that I’m not upset about his marriage! I think his new wife seems like a lovely person. But the wedding + funeral double whammy brought up a lot of other hurtful memories for me that became a breaking point. I tried to explain as much to him, but instead of listening, he reverted back to some pretty patriarchal understandings about “fathers should be respected no matter what” that for a lot of very obvious reasons don’t jive well with who I am, or how I go about things.

Ok but none of that is actually why I’m writing in though, believe it or not! I’m writing in because… it’s been roughly 11 months since I last spoke to my father, and I keep thinking that I will eventually be ready to move on and let him back into my life, but I’m honestly so much calmer without him there? It has felt really good for me to maintain this boundary with him. My father has caused me a lot of emotional hurt, and if he’s not willing to acknowledge that, then I don’t feel moved to make room for him? Except, I do feel guilty. His new wife has reached out a few times to try and make amends on his behalf, other family members have done the same, and it makes me feel like maybe I’m being immature or selfish by not just letting bygones be bygones and moving on from our past? I always told myself “I’ll know when I’m ready to talk to him again” but now it’s November and I still haven’t had that urge.

I guess my question is, how do I know if a boundary that feels good to me is actually healthy? Or if I should be challenging myself to bring someone back into my life because no matter the hurt they’ve caused, they are still my parent? (Even if I genuinely don’t feel ready to yet, especially not on the terms they’ve provided?)

A:

Kayla: I hope the person who asked question two reads your question, because what you write about feeling good about this boundary is how so many of my friends have felt in the aftermath of cutting off 1 or 2 parents who were causing them hurt, and I want the asker of question two to see that demonstrated clearly RIGHT HERE in the same advice box!

Anyway, I think if a boundary feels good, that really is all the information you need to have. I get why you’re second-guessing yourself, especially because of external pressures to restore the relationship. But I think it’s so telling and meaningful when someone cuts off contact with a parent and then immediately notices an improvement in mental health. It often means the relationship was taking more from you than you even realized.

It sounds like continuing no contact with your dad is the right move here. And maybe that’ll change one day, but it has to be squarely on your terms, and you DEFINITELY have to feel ready and also know you might change your mind again.

Nico: Whenever I fluctuate on a boundary like this, one that’s objectively (aside from societal guilt-related reasons) improving my mental health, I am abruptly reminded of why I had that boundary in the first place. It’s okay to protect yourself, even if that means protecting yourself from family members. Not everyone in our given families is necessarily nurturing and caring in the way that they should be, but that’s not our fault. Also, my therapist recently reminded me that, often, the setting of a boundary does not feel good, especially if you are used to trying to manage family dynamics and keep the peace — it can feel counterintuitive, selfish, out of character — but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong to finally carve a line and say that you need space from someone who, well, had something to do with you leaving a public event in tears. It doesn’t sound like being around him is healthy, and it’s okay and it’s adult to recognize that. Sometimes people reconcile years down the road, so you don’t have to keep that door permanently closed, but if you’re in a place where you don’t feel ready, I wouldn’t let guilt pressure you into opening back up again if you don’t actually want that.

Q7:

My wife and I recently asked my brother if he’d be down to be our sperm donor — my wife can’t carry, but she’s got better eggs, so the idea was that we’d do IVF, I’d carry, and the baby would have a genetic connection to both of us. This is especially important to me because my brother and I recently lost a parent, and I like the idea of being able to have a bit of that parent in my child.

My brother initially said absolutely, yes, he’d be more than happy to do whatever he could to help. They had some questions about it but we could talk through all of those, and we’d started talking about the process with seeing counselors and all that. We were so thrilled! Then a few days later he circled back to say that actually, my sister-in-law wasn’t okay with it. I still don’t really know why, and he didn’t offer a reason, just that he couldn’t change her mind, this was the boundary that she was setting and she didn’t want to talk to us about it any further.

They have two children of their own, including a baby born this year, so it’s not that he doesn’t want to reproduce at all (which I know is a common and understandable objection voiced by prospective donors) or that he and his wife want to have their own child before helping us start a family.

I was honestly absolutely sobbing-on-the-floor inconsolable to get this email, but tried to reign myself in when I wrote him back a very short email to say I was pretty devastated, but that I loved him very much and was grateful that he’d wanted to help us. A few days later his wife texted me to say that she hopes I find another way to start a family and that she was upset by the emotional toll this had taken on my brother and she’d like to be able to put it behind them and focus on their own family. I said absolutely, please do focus on your own family, I want only the best for you both.

I know I’m not entitled to my brother’s genetic materials, but I’m struggling with the fact that he wanted to help but she said no.I know that I was honestly already so bitter about how expensive and difficult it is to have a child at all as queer people, which isn’t their direct fault. Meanwhile, my wife’s brother is fucking awesome and he and his wife are 100% on board to give us sperm to help us! Obviously we have a smaller chance of success using my eggs (which is tough bc each round of IVF costs like $25k), but I was just honestly so touched by their generosity and eagerness to help. 

Now my relationship with my brother’s family feels unsteady. I really want to see my niece as much as possible, but we live on opposite sides of the country so we don’t see them that often as is, but now there are no plans on the horizon to ever see them again, and they’ve stopped asking us about things like holiday plans. They didn’t even let me know when their new baby was born, I had to find out from my aunt.

I love my brother and my niece so much. I love my sister-in-law too! How do I proceed? Do I have to be the one to swallow my pride and reach out and repair things even though I don’t think I did anything wrong? How will I maintain a relationship with them without constantly seething with resentment at how effortlessly they built their family and how they got directly in the way of me doing the same? Am I being silly and entitled about this whole thing?

A:

Nico: I will say that on first read, this was hard. It was just hard. Because I can see that you love your brother and your niblings and sister-in-law and that your brother initially really wanted to help, and now things are falling apart all over the place during an already stressful time when it would be really nice if you could lean on family! I’m sorry. I also don’t think that the way your sister-in-law (and then brother) acted and are acting is fair to you. The first thing I noticed on my second read-through, that stood out to me more than anything, was your sister-in-law texting you to say she was upset by the emotional toll this took on your brother, as though his feelings about saying no to you are somehow your responsibility. They aren’t. If your brother or his wife are blaming you for his being upset and feeling torn, that’s not on you. He has the option to talk it out with you, after all. You brought up counselors! It sounds like you came into this ready to offer your brother and sister-in-law whatever resources they may need.

Also…your brother was initially happy to be a donor, right? And so, what I’m thinking based on the information I have in front of me, is that the emotional toll comes, at least in part, from your brother feeling conflicted between what he wanted to do to help you start a family and what his wife didn’t want him to do. That’s not on you, and your sister-in-law texting you this message makes it seem like it’s all your fault, like you brought some kind of burden onto their family. But if I had to read between the lines (which is half the job of giving advice), I’d say that there was some conflict between them about this and your brother and sister-in-law are probably externalizing those sticky, bad feelings onto you. But it’s not your fault for asking a family member for help! That’s something that family members do — they give and receive help from each other, at least in many cases.

So, knowing it wasn’t wrong for you to ask, and that, well, life is full of twists and turns and the concept of siblings donating eggs or sperm itself isn’t unheard of at all, AND with their knowing firsthand what it’s like to try and conceive and have kids and all the emotion and hope built into that exercise, I do think it’s also unfair not to give you an explanation. I don’t know that you’ll be able to get one from them anytime soon, since they said they don’t want to talk about it at all, but I think it’s unfair, and I want you to know that.

Now, on the other hand, it probably is better that you’ve found out now, as opposed to later, that your sister-in-law (and maybe also brother) are this uncomfortable with the concept of him being a donor. At least things haven’t progressed to the point where people are having regrets, so I hope that’s a comfort. That could have been messy! And I’m so, so happy that even though it’s going to be a more difficult road, that you have an enthusiastic donor in your wife’s brother. That’s awesome! No matter how things work out, I hope you all can bask in that love and care.

Okay, so, now, the holidays are coming up and you haven’t heard from them, and this is unusual. I’m so sorry. This feels like some real straight people bullshit! I do think that if you want to continue a relationship and to see your niece and to re-establish things with your brother, you’re going to have to be the one to swallow your pride. I also do think that you are the one who is going to have to do this because they maybe feel guilty about the whole thing, and their way of avoiding having any bad or uncomfortable feelings is going to be to avoid interacting with you. Luckily, you have the perfect reason to reach out. You can ask about the holidays and plans to visit. However, you, also, as you can see from the questions above about families and boundaries, don’t have to plan to visit if it makes you too upset or uncomfortable. They’re certainly not taking the first step! If you need space, it’s okay for you to take space. You didn’t ask that, but I’m putting it out there anyway in case it comes up for you. You can keep things cordial by sending some gifts and calling your brother and niece over the holidays to wish them well.

Just to reiterate, I don’t think you did anything wrong. You also don’t sound entitled. You asked. Your brother said yes. Then, he changed his mind. And then, he and your sister-in-law said they wouldn’t even tell you why. If anything, they sound like they feel entitled to their comfort at the expense of your feelings, and that’s just not right. However, yeah, that’s how it often shakes out for the queer(s) in the family. I just don’t want you to think it’s anything you did. It isn’t.

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