Welcome to the 86th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We do this column TWICE a month.

Every other A+ Advice box of the month is themed! In keeping with the vibes this summer, the next themed Advice box (for August) will be all about looking and feeling hot. Bring us your questions about taking selfies, about what to wear or how to style yourself, about confidence, about bodies, about self-love and projecting your hotness out into the world. It’s THE HOT BOX. Please get your questions in by Monday, July 31st!

Then there are general Into the A+ Advice Boxes, like this one, where we take questions on practically any topic. You can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

Hi! A few years ago, I discovered the femme girl that I was meant to be and a year and a half ago, I officially began the journey to becoming her. Now, as long as I have at least foundation covering my freshly shaven face, I pass 100% of the time. In the last couple weeks, I came to realize that I’m, well, really pretty. I went to a queer bar last week and attracted a lot of attention and got hit on more than once. I don’t mean to brag about it and often feel bad when I bring light to it, because I know some trans women struggle to even get gendered correctly. I only say it because I’m trying to be on the market (dating or casual encounters) and that’s where I feel the problem comes in. I’ve never dated. I’ve never had sex. I’ve never even kissed anyone. So I feel completely out of my depth. For 30 years of my life before I transitioned, I was completely forgettable, but now I’m someone people suddenly find desirable. I want to meet people, but I also want to be safe. There’s no one in my friend groups who’s in the community who could be a wing-person or a discerning eye for any women I meet. Do you have any advice for how I should navigate this?

A:

Nico: I’m so excited for you!!! Thank you so much for writing in. I think there are, among many others I’m sure, at least three tools you can use here: 1) Communication 2) Intuition / Gut Feeling 3) Getting Help From Your Friends & Intentionally Making More Queer Friends.

1. Communication. For the first, I think it’s really quite common and perfectly normal in the queer community for adults to be out dating for the first time at an age that might be considered “late” by cishet standards. But you’re on queer time! There’s no shame in having had to prioritize exploring your authentic self before being ready to date. So, all that said, if anything starts to get serious in-person, on an app or otherwise, it’s important to communicate your comfort level with anything that’s happening and to be up front and firm about your boundaries.

You mention being out and about, so I’ll cover that first. In these situations, it’s totally okay to have quick and firm boundaries that you express as needed. You also don’t need to explain yourself. For example, if someone is flirting with you at a queer dance night, and you flirt back, and they want to kiss you, and you’re not ready for that, you can say like “Hey, I’m moving at a slower speed right now, but I’m really into flirting with you, can we keep doing that?” AND THEN if you want to kiss this person at a later date, you can exchange contact info to meet up later 1:1 where you’ll also have an opportunity to explain more about your whole situation. If said person isn’t cool with that, well, then I wouldn’t keep flirting with them, you know? Physically remove yourself from their presence if they don’t respect your boundaries. Maybe, though, you will want to kiss someone, or dance with someone, or what-have-you, but the important thing is to make sure that you’re doing what you want to be doing, not what you feel pressured to be doing (and that, of course, you’ve gotten consent from the other person involved).

On apps, it’s a bit easier because you can just write out exactly where you’re coming from and what you’re looking for! It’s perfectly acceptable to say that you’re dating for the first time and to lay out whatever would make you most comfortable. Who knows? There might be one or several people who feel the same!

2. Intuition / Gut Feeling / and Also Intentional Vetting:

I hope this isn’t patronizing, but just in case, there is a level of vetting that takes place with potential, well, anything — potential friends, potential bosses, potential dates. I think it’s important to pay attention to how potential dates treat you early on. Do they ask basic things like what your pronouns are? Do they respect those? Do they ask for consent before initiating physical touch? Do they listen and take turns in conversation? Do they make you feel comfortable in general? Are they giving off any red flags or making you feel off? For me, I know I have people pleasing tendencies, so it’s important to me, when in new situations or meeting new people, to remember to think critically about how I’m being treated and what I am observing in terms of the other person’s behavior. If it sounds like a lot of active mental work, it is!

Also, trust your senses! There’s a difference between “normal” nerves and nervous energy that is a warning, and it can be hard to tell but it’s there. It can be good to pay attention to your body so that you feel confident in being able to tell the difference between a tenseness in your body and a fluttering feeling that stem from discomfort and uncertainty and the old butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling from attraction and chemistry.

3) Help From Your Friends, Also, More Friends!

I feel like, first off, even if your friends aren’t going to accompany you to queer events, they can still be people who check in with you as part of a safety plan, right? Like, if you’re going out or going to meet someone, can you have a group chat that knows to look out for an “I’m leaving!” and an “I’m okay!” text? If you’re going out alone, I recommend letting someone know who is trustworthy and who is going to check back in with you. And also, they can, I believe, be there for you to process your dates, to chat, to talk, to reflect with. They may not get all the queer nuance, but dating is still dating.

Secondly, I do want to recommend also intentionally trying to make more queer friends. Queer people know other queer people, and you will broaden your dating pool by getting to know more people from the LGBTQ community, AND you’ll also get more friends, which is, I think, a net good. If you’re not sure where to start, there are a range of options. I don’t know what’s in your area, but typical routes for making queer friends might include anything from volunteering at places where queer people congregate, finding queer game nights and going to those, or joining an app like Lex and either posting that you’re looking for friends or replying to ads from other people looking for friends.

I hope these are helpful answers with regards to staying safe in a lot of senses, both physical safety as well as emotional safety and protecting your boundaries. Wishing you tons of luck on your dating journey!

Carmen: I’m just here to say that I’m excited for this journey for you! I know it’s not really the same as “advice” per se, but I hope you really take in every step as you go. Congratulations and sending you so, so much love!

Kayla: I think having supportive friends is such a huge part of dating with confidence and good boundaries! Em Win touched on this a bit in Eight Things I’ve Learned While Dating at 28, and it’s so true! It’s great to trust your own intuition, desires, and feelings, but it’s also great to have friends who you trust who you can bounce these things off of, because sometimes dating can be a swirly whirlwind of emotions and impulses, and friends are there to be listeners, cheerleaders, and advice givers! Having a solid network of good friends is a great way to jump into dating.

Q2:

Skin Q: I have rosacea which I have under control with medicated creams but I still dislike the way my skin looks. I’m not keen on wearing makeup but I wear colour correction and concealer over the patches most days and foundation when I want the redness properly hidden. Neither is great: I know the concealed patches look off-colour/more matte compared to the rest of face but I hate the heaviness of wearing a full face of make-up (and the effort of applying). Is there a miracle light-weight solution I could just slap on each morning which will tone down the redness but not obviously look like I’m wearing make-up? I am white, deathly pale with combination skin. In the UK so, think I can get hold of most brands. TIA <3

A:

Carmen: Yes, yes there is! You are looking for a tinted moisturizer situation or a BB/CC Cream. And you’ll want to apply evenly over your whole face, then you can focus in on the areas with rosacea with a second, additional layer if you’d like but it may not be necessary. This is a bit of an old school trick, but I’d recommend blending with your (clean!) fingers, it will help create natural even blend and also pick up excess make up, which hopefully helps with the goopy feel or “I’m obviously wearing make up” look that I know you’re hoping to avoid. If, once you’re done, it still feels like too much once your done, you can gently blot with a clean paper towel or napkin to bring it down.

OK back to the products! So, a tinted moisturizer will give you some light coverage but also some unexpected benefits like SPF. And BB or CC creams will also provide light coverage (though slightly more than a tinted moisturizer, but also we’re picking at straws here). Both products focus on hydrating, which might go well with your rosacea care routine depending on your dermatologist recommendations — I’m not an expert but did a little research online and it seems that daily moisturizing is often recommended, though again, I’d double check the University of Google with an actual doctor.

The good news is that light weight moisturizers are very popular right now, so there are lots of options available, Vogue even declared 2023 The Year of the Lightweight Foundation and if Miranda Priestly says it, then it must be true. My favorite BB cream over the years is Nars Pure Radiant, which also has SPF 30. But it’s is a bit heavier coverage than some of its peers, so I’d consider using it sparingly if that’s not your vibe. For lighter coverage, I recommend looking at Ilia Super Serum Skin Tint SPF 40 or BareMinerals Tinted Moisturizer which also has some “color correction” and is recommended for people with sensitive skin in particular. But no matter what product you decide to try next, if you start looking for “tinted moisturizers” (ideally, with SPF) instead of just concealer, you’ll probably find something closer to what you’re looking for in terms of “can I smear this all over my face without feeling weighed down or like there’s a mask” — a sensation that can definitely really suck.

Q3:

I’ve been in a situationship with someone I really like for the past 6 months. At first it was casual dating but it’s become more than that. We see each other twice a week, have 12+ hour long dates, sleepovers, and so many fun adventures. They make me happier than I’ve felt in years. The issue is that I know I am falling in love with them and they say they don’t have romantic feelings for me. I feel that they are not accepting or acknowledging that what we have is a kind of romance, even if it’s not the yearning, life-merging, all-encompassing kind of romance that we have all been conditioned to revere. I told this to them and they admitted their views on this may be warped, but that they still feel they want that kind of romance, but also enjoy what we are doing and don’t feel I am wasting their time. I feel frustrated by this because we are so compatible, can talk for hours, have the best sex of my life, and they act in a way that makes me feel valued, safe, cared for, and stronger as a person. I was in a really long relationship (decade +) until a month before me and this person started dating, and they haven’t been in a relationship for over 6 years. Both of us acknowledge we are scared of committing to this with labels or acknowledging we are exclusive even though neither of us have dated anyone else for several months. They make me so happy and I still have hope that this could evolve with time and comfort together; is this naive? Is it possible that their romantic feelings could develop for me over time? Is it ok to stay in something that is a bit confusing if it makes me really happy, adventurous, and independent?

A:

Heather: First of all, I don’t know a single queer person who hasn’t been in a situationship like this at least once in their life, so, my friend, you are not alone! I’m going to tell you something I think you want to hear and then something I think you don’t want to hear. There is absolutely nothing wrong with staying in a situationship that makes you feel happy, adventurous, and independent. However, it only stays okay if you’re truly content with it never moving beyond this place. It might be true that your pal does have romantic feelings for you, and has shut themself off to them, and one day they’ll see the light and you’ll ride off into the sunset like your very own queer Disney movie. But it’s just as likely that they’ll never reciprocate, so you have to be prepared for that too. It sounds to me like you’re kind of floating ideas at them about whether or not they could develop the kind of feelings you have, and they’re being pretty consistent in what they’re telling you. Like, for example, it sounds like you maybe said to them, “I just don’t want to be wasting your time.” And they said, “You’re not wasting my time.” When what you wanted them to say was, “Oh my gosh, this is the most fun I’ve ever had and the sex is amazing and I could really see myself falling for you, so of course this isn’t a waste of time!” So, you gotta be honest with yourself. Can you really keep going and be okay with things if your pal never changes their mind? If you really think you can, go for it, have so much fun! But if there’s a part of you that’s never going to stop harboring hope that they’ll shift their perspective, it might be a good idea for you to move this thing to a strictly friends place, or even take some time away from it, because it seems like they’ve been really open about where they are, and where they are is not where you are. Sending you so much love for your courage and open-heart!

Q4:

So I’ve recently decided to no longer date men, and I’m dating a bunch to try to find a monogamous gf.

But I’ve noticed some things with my friend group lately. All the queer friends I’m regularly in contact with are bi. They still bring enthusiasm, suggestions, interest about my dates, but it doesn’t feel like as much. And I’ve started to notice how much more time they spend talking about their male datemates than the other people they’re seeing. (I can tell you the whole life history of my sister’s shitty dude ex but little more than the name and job of their 6-month gf.)

I don’t think it’s as simple as “they’re prioritizing men.” My sister always talks about how they feel very protective of their queer datemates in a way they don’t of the cishet guys, which could explain a lot. And maybe we don’t talk as much about my dates because I’m more nervous/shy about it now.

But fair or unfair, it does feel like I’m in an ocean of “what guy are you seeing rn.”

I didn’t feel this way on my professional retreat where our friend group consisted of three queer women, a trans guy, and an older, straight(?) married guy. I wasn’t seeing anybody at the time, but we talked signaling and dating. It was really awesome and affirming.

So, I guess my question is, how do I figure out what I need in a friend group? Do I need a lesbian friend group, or just a queer friend group who aren’t so invested in dishing about the latest guy? Or just to change my own approach? And how might I start to go about any of that?

A:

Riese: This was a really interesting aspect of “starting to date women” back when I started to date women in my mid-twenties — my friendships at the time were with women who usually only dated men, and I was very used to dissecting every last inch of every man we came into contact with (as we’d learned to do from Sex and the City, amen), sharing incredibly intimate details about these men that I could never imagine sharing about a woman and/or trans person I’d date. Like, especially stuff about sex. (But I think I also realized that maybe the reason I talked about men so much was because that was part of the point of dating men in the first palace — to have something to talk about with your female friends, to be part of those conversations.) When I started having more friends who didn’t date cis men, there were sometimes still some boundaries in place because the girls they were dating were often also my friends, you know? As I got older and was mostly friends with queers who dated other queers, the comfort level on both sides of talking about those topics became very specific and individual. Like I have a friend group now where the dating life of the single + dating humans amongst us is often fodder for group conversations, but like, I don’t talk to the group about my relationship with my girlfriend on a more intimate level, because she’s also in the group.

I think what your experience at the professional retreat reflects is that you can’t really predict who’s gonna be the best person to talk to about your dating experiences by how they label their sexual orientation or even who they mostly date! I don’t think there are any hard and fast rules here! Everybody’s different in what they wanna talk about and how much they want to receive or disclose about someone’s dates, regardless of how they identify or who they date. It might take some months or years to figure it out, but I do think you will find your people, in some form or another!

Carmen: I wanted to address this part in your question, “How do I figure out what I need in a friend group?” by saying — it sounds to me, based on everything else you wrote, that you’re already starting to figure that out on your own. And that’s great.

When I first started openly dating women, I wanted to talk about it all the time, in every excruciating detail, and it turned out the people who ended up being the best to do that with were my cis gay guy friends as opposed to the straight women who were in my original friendship group. Those boys didn’t know a lot about the mechanics (after years of friendship, they do now, and some of them are also A+ members so everyone wave and say hey!) but as I got more settled into my queerness, I also found that I was incredibly private! I don’t know what caused that switch for me, but my friendship needs definitely changed with time which I think is also what I wanted to say to you: It seems to me like you are in the “I want to talk about THINGSSS!!” stage and you know what? You deserve that! It’s ok to own it. I hope you find a squad that can match your energy.

Q5:

Can I ask about signaling? I have been trying to signal more in my style, but it doesn’t seem to be working. I get consistently read as straight (and “shy and sweet,” lmao). Also I spent a lot of my time at work, and I don’t want to be Mega Visible. Some of my coworkers definitely are but we work at a public service and interact A Lot with general patrons – I don’t need Neo NAZI Neighbor Dave scowling at my bright rainbow PRIDE shirt.

My style can basically be grouped into a triple Venn diagram of “artsy,” (cool circles and polka dots, paint splashes, colorful funky designs, cool asymmetrical dresses & shirts) “[dark] academic,” (sweater vests, collared shirts/button-downs, waistcoats, slacks) and “cottagecore” (flowy floral skirts and dresses & big ass sunhats). I also wear mainly loafers, flats & boots, and I very rarely wear makeup.

Only the blue hibiscus flower button-down from the men’s section has gotten recognition so far—and only after that person figured out I was gay in another conversation.

I don’t want to change my hair (cut and styled right, I think it makes me look like Arrowverse supergirl with no bangs), and I do want to keep wearing my skirts and colorful/floral prints and big-ass sun hats. I think people also read me as more feminine than I’m really dressing, because I have a round face w strong natural coloration, and a curvy figure.

Is there anything else I can do to make myself more visible without getting rid of the hats, skirts, and hair?

A:

Anya: I definitely relate to this! First of all, I love to hear that you’ve found a style that you enjoy – it’s so hard to find clothes and hair that feel “right,” and I don’t think you should sacrifice that feeling of rightness in your body for, well, anything, if possible! In my opinion, another great way to make yourself more visibly queer is to talk about queer stuff. There are ways to bring up your identity, when you feel safe/comfortable, without changing anything about your clothes or hair. For example, maybe you’re catching up with coworkers about your weekend, and you tell them about a book you’re reading, which you especially enjoyed because it had a queer character in it, and it felt great to read a book with a character you could relate to on that level. Or maybe you checked out a new restaurant in town — and were pleasantly surprised to learn its run by a queer chef, which was thrilling because you as a queer person love supporting queer businesses! See what I mean? You can kind of bring up your identify as an aside — that works, too!

This question also made me think about how the language of coming out can be tricky — for me, I feel like I come out all the time, repeatedly, over and over. Sometimes it feels like anytime I meet a new person, I look for something to say like what I mentioned above to signal my queerness — because I want to make sure they know! At first, this felt overwhelming to me, because like, why couldn’t it just be a one-and-done thing! But the more I assert my queer identity, the easier it gets — and the more FUN it gets! It’s fun to talk about things I love, and a lot of the things I love are gay things! I don’t know if this is exactly how you feel, but I hope this framing helps.

Carmen: I definitely also share some of these experiences with Anya, I think especially for me as a femme person who’s not particularly showy or dramatic in my style of dress, and who’s Black (a lot of times, I find that Black queerness is often invisibilized anyway) — I end up coming out a lot. And that can be a bummer!! What I’ve found is that I can be my own most queer thing. I can be my own flagging symbol. I usually start by talking about gay things whenever I open up my mouth, which can help cut away from that awkward “I’m gay” mini-coming out because instead what I talk about is a gay plot on a television show or Janelle Monae or RuPaul’s Drag Race (basically, my organic interests) and I watch as registration locks in across people’s face. When I worked in an office, I had a small rainbow flag pinned to the corkboard at my desk and now I keep one on my backpack/laptop case/etc… to be honest, I’m not even a fan of rainbows! But I am a fan of not having to say “I’M GAY” and letting other subtle/not-so-subtle clues do it for me.

I never really wanted to change how I dressed, but there are so many other ways that we express queerness (not that a queer person can’t dress in any form of fashion that they want! You know what I mean!) and I find that leaning into some of those other ways, what I wear matters less and less.

Q6:

CW for… not sure exactly. Neo-nazi presence?

My neighborhood has, through my whole life, been really racially diverse with a large queer presence. And very left-leaning with a massive population of educators (and/or staff working for educational institutions).

But in the last couple months, there’s this couple that’s been jogging. They wear flack jackets (unhelpful ones that don’t even cover their waists but whatever), run “military style,” listen to a right wing podcast (all I caught was “we must PROTECT this GREAT NATION” or some such). And their overall vibe with hair and other clothes feels very neo-nazi too. Open carry is legal in my state but I didn’t see any weapons.

The first time they ran past, I was literally talking about my female dates with my mom on our own walk.

What do I do here? Do I have a giant block party with my liberal cishet giant sword friends? Do I just ignore them and try to live my life?

They’ve been making me feel so worried and uncomfortable. I just want to feel safe in my neighborhood again.

A:

Nico: I’m so very sorry you feel unsafe! The rise of fascist extremist groups is very real and incredibly serious. None of us are truly safe until all of us are safe, and it’s no secret that open, blatant and militant white supremacy is on the rise in the US (and other countries). I was on a walk just the other day, on the phone with my sister, when I passed a guy leaning on his truck which was blasting a “Let’s Go Brandon” song. My sister asked me if I was at a Trump rally. I was like “of one!” They are truly everywhere. I don’t know if that makes you feel better, but I’m certain this is a problem a lot of people face in their communities, even in the middle of a “blue” city. Of course, running into these people is never a good feeling.

As for what you, yourself, can do, your instinct to lean into community ties is the right one. Make sure that you and your friends and neighbors have each others’ backs, that you communicate with each other about the local fascists, and definitely make sure you’re looking out for yourself when you’re out and about. You might want to avoid their routes when you’re alone, for example. So, there’s that, looking out for individual safety, and then, while you might or might not want to push back against your Neo-Nazi neighbors directly, I do recommend doing what you can to fight the rising tide of rightwing extremism in whatever ways seem best to you. A question I would encourage you to ask of yourself is how are you plugging in?

Also, shout out to Carmen’s suggestions below. I also recommend that if you’re gonna carry pepper spray (or any weapon) that you practice using it before you ever need to. Like, if you’re going to carry pepper spray, it’s a good idea to get a second canister, practice pulling it out of wherever you have it, aiming and spraying. That way you’ll have an idea of how it feels to blow back at you, too, because pepper spray can be messy / also impact the user’s ability to get away so it’s good to be prepared.

Carmen: I am so sorry that you are feeling unsafe in your own home!! The rise in hate and hate crimes is absolutely no joke and not at all to be taken lightly! I wanted to echo Nico’s suggestions “make sure that you and your friends and neighbors have each other’s backs, that you communicate with each other, that you’re looking out for yourself when you’re out and about” — safety can look like a lot of different things, but for me it always starts with being aware of my surroundings and shifting accordingly. I’m a single Black woman who’s often alone in a lot of different situations, and I’m not someone who feels safe or comfortable carrying pepper spray or other weapons (other people feel differently and should absolutely do what feels best for them!). So for me safety looks like not being in places where I know I’ll be outnumbered, keeping my head on a swivel when I’m walking alone, especially at night, and making great use of my peripheral vision, crossing the street when I am uncomfortable or sticking main roads with lots of crowds and lights when possible. Sometimes it means texting my friends before and after I leave a place, or even making a phone call so that the people around me know that there’s someone who will “hear” if I get snatched. Hahaaaaa.

But the hardest part is also the uncomfortable knowledge that none of those things make me 100% safe, and even if I did carry pepper spray or the like — that wouldn’t make me 100% safe either. Because walking around this world in my queer Black single woman’s body is inherently an unsafe experience; this world was not built on the safety for people who like me and us, you know? In fact, it was built on the opposite. And I realize that’s not very comforting! I might be “giving advice wrong”! But at least for me, it’s a truth I have to wrestle with because it’s a part of my life. And then I try to make the best decisions I can, that I can live with, from there.

Q7:

I’m sorry to send in such a deluge of questions, but I have another (for now) about being outed.

One of the very closest relationships in my life right now is with my found family sister. We’ve been able to hang out a lot more recently, often with their friends or mutual friends.

About a month ago, I decided to JUST focus on my sapphic desires in dating. Around that time, I was out for drinks with my sister and our non-binary mutual friend, and my sister’s cishet housemate drops by, catching the tail end of me mentioning my upcoming dates.

And the housemate assumes my dates are men (oof) & reminds me to be careful. But then my sister outs me by correcting her (*women*)—and the housemate gets that voice, you know the one. “Oh, hahah… well… you should still… be careful…” and abruptly changes the topic. Yikes.

If it were just me, I would’ve let the housemate keep her assumption – it was already feeling weird to me. But I’m not sure if I should bring it up with my sister.

My sister is actively visible, regularly saying stuff like, “because I’m non-binary.” And they’ve recently been getting really confident for the first time. Plus they’re a protest activist & harm reduction volunteer, while I focus my activism mainly at work (library doing information literacy / digital media education).

I don’t want to undermine their confidence. And I also don’t want to… hang them out to dry? They’re already more visible, more vulnerable, and doing more dangerous activism than me.

Should I just suck it up and be hyper-visible when we’re together? Is it wrong for me to want to be stealth like that at all?

A:

Nico: This is fascinating to me because it’s true that queer people can kind of amplify our visibility when we’re together, even without having to vocalize anything. While thinking about this, it seems to me like your sister did not, at the time, know what your preferences are around how out you want to be in certain situations. I think that it’s totally fine to have a conversation with your sister (or anyone) about what you prefer in different situations and, you know, what they prefer, too! There’s no right or wrong here. It’s just about what you feel comfortable with. They can’t have violated a boundary if you didn’t express it to them in the first place, you know? If they were going against wishes you explicitly stated, that’s a completely different thing, but I think here the first step is figuring out what you want and the second step is communicating that with the relevant people.

Carmen: I want to strongly echo that you get to decide your own comfortability level and there is nothing wrong with that! I do agree with Nico that the first step in those situations is to express to your sister (or anyone else) what are your boundaries around being disclosed in public, what you are comfortable — or not! – with people knowing about you that didn’t come out of your own mouth. I don’t know the specifics of your family or friendship dynamics, of course, but in my experience when most queer people are told “I am not comfortable with being out like that yet, please give me space to be comfortable on my own terms before sharing my dating preferences” — they understand and respect it, because we were all at the beginning stages of this journey once. And if there’s one thing about being queer, it’s a constant state of coming out over and over again throughout our time on this plant. So chances are high that your people will get it and understand! But you will have to express it to them first.

If you’re nervous, I’d recommend practicing it to yourself before talking with your sister. Maybe something like, “I just wanted to let you know, when we’re out together if the topic of whom I’m dating comes up, I’m not at a place yet where I want people who are not already a part of those aspects of my life to be let into my private business.” Or something else like that. And again, you don’t have to feel guilty, we all have our own boundaries and that is ok!

Kayla: I had a different but related experience recently where my mother — in an attempt, I think, to be super supportive of me! — outed me in a retail space where I didn’t necessarily feel a need to be outed. Basically, I am in the process of planning a wedding and a salesperson asked me about the groom and my mother corrected it to “bride.” Again, it came from a good place. But it led to some discomfort. In the car after, I told her that she doesn’t have to do that and in fact that I would prefer if she wouldn’t in these contexts (but meanwhile, I am totally fine with and in fact prefer for her to correct any of her friends/social circles when my relationship comes up). If I had just expressed these preferences ahead of time (which I almost did!), then I never would have been in this situation. So I do think it’s worth having a conversation with your sister about what you prefer. Their approach to visibility doesn’t have to be your same approach, and that ultimately doesn’t undermine them or their identity.

Q8:

hi i’ve started the fErTiLiTy jOuRnEy and am trepidly excited. and yet the subject feels like a minefield – i feel complicated feelings towards my straight friends who didn’t have to undergo expensive medical interventions in order to reproduce. simultaneously i feel like my friends who have been trying for years to no avail and my friends who are searching a womb in which to cook the kids they want, surely feel complicated feelings towards me!

how do i navigate this life stage with grace? i told one pregnant friend that while i’m happy to hear about her personal experiences i need her to not spend all day sharing her random fun facts about pregnancy. but more and more friends are becoming pregnant and i wish i could do like a general PSA and not a million individual requests…

and on the other side of the equation, how much do i share about the nerves and stress of my situation – the main event of my life right now – while being sensitive to others’ needs and sensibilities?

A:

Riese: You’re right, this is incredibly tough! When I started that journey last January (a journey that’s currently on hold due to work & money stuff), there was so much to contend with — I’d always been somewhat jealous of my friends who’d actually succeeded in producing a human child but once I’d started trying. But I also felt such immense and genuine joy and happiness for my friends who were successfully having babies, you know? This journey is filled with so many contradictory feelings and I don’t think there’s a “right” way to manage it, or even a “best way.”

To be honest, I don’t know that a group PSA would have much impact. Even after all my friends knew about what was happening with me, it didn’t have any noticeable effect on how they discussed the topic as a group in my presence. That’s ultimately okay, I think — like I wouldn’t want them to have created a separate group chat to celebrate that my friend’s straight sister and her boyfriend got pregnant unintentionally and had a human baby with no complications — often the world simply is what it is, a place rarely guaranteed to operate with your own specific interests in mind… and a place full of babies. It might make more sense to steel yourself for that and be gentle with yourself when you have reactions to things people said or did that stung, especially because those things are likely never intentional.

A group PSA might be helpful in how it could impact your one-on-one relationships with the people who are part of it, but in group settings, sensitive topics could definitely still come up. Then you might also have to do follow-up PSAs if your feelings about it change, and I don’t know if you want to commit to that PSA frequency!

I think ultimately it’s a conversation most likely best had one-on-one with people, and it can be an ongoing one as well, in terms of individual comfort levels with different topics at different times, like you already did with your one pregnant friend. Be prepared for the fact that they still might fuck up, too. And the only way you can know for sure how to be sensitive to other people’s needs and sensibilities around your own nerves and stress is to ask them directly, I think!

I kept it very close to me when I actually did get pregnant, because I wanted less people to have to tell if I did have a miscarriage, which is in fact what happened. I would suggest the same, keeping it close until you’re at 12-16 weeks — it felt weird to talk to literally anyone about anything without telling them I was growing a human life in my stomach, but once the miscarriage happened I was so so so glad I only had two friends and two co-workers to tell! I struggled with that a lot — not wanting to tell people when I was doing a cycle because the positive affirmations and encouragements that friends want to give you aren’t always what you need in that two-week period when you have to emotionally prepare yourself for the chance of a disappointing result.

It can be a pretty isolating process, for sure. And I would like to humbly recommend therapy and also the website reddit dot com, where you can create a name that is not your own and hit up any number of boards specific to your situation and find support, advice, comfort, and at least one person or couple going through the exact same thing you are. There are queer-specific conception boards as well. I found that really helpful when I had stuff to discuss but didn’t want to do so with anyone who might follow up later. Even if you don’t want to participate, it can be good just to witness and find some kind of solidarity there.

I also very much wish you the absolute best in your journey!!!

Anya: I have never (not yet?) tried to be pregnant or been pregnant, so this advice is coming from that perspective. My overall feeling is, I think people are always having complicated feelings towards each other — this isn’t necessarily limited towards people thinking about/being pregnant. So I think my advice here is the same advice I’d give to anyone trying to be thoughtful and sensitive towards their friends — be honest, be open, be receptive and be kind. There was something my high school taught me, which weirdly remains one of the best pieces of life advice I’ve ever gotten — use “I statements”. We don’t know how anyone else is feeling — no matter how much we might think we do — but the one thing I do know is how I feel. So if you’re feeling both happy for your pregnant friend, and also overwhelmed by her sharing of random pregnancy facts, my advice is to tell her, gently and honestly, how you feel. Some other person might LOVE the random pregnancy facts, but it sounds like that’s just not how it feels for you! Similarly, you don’t know how it would feel to tell a friend about the “nerves and stress” you’re feeling — all you know is, you want to talk (pulling this language from your q!). So, again, use those I-statements — tell them how you’re feeling, and about your desire to share, and ask them if they would be open to hearing those thoughts from you. If they say they are, then go for it! If they say no, I’m not the right friend for that, then ask another friend.

I know the advice of “tell your friends how you feel, honestly, openly, kindly, and gently” is way easier said than done. Being honest about a feeling you have, especially one that you worry might hurt the listener, is so hard. But in my opinion, that is literally what friendship is. It’s being someone who wants to know, honestly and deeply, how your friend is doing. You might not get it 100% right the first time around, but friends work together to be the best people they can be for each other — we choose each other, over and over and over. My partner and I have actually been on the other side of this, with friends who I felt pressure from to care more deeply than I did about their being parents, and it got extremely painful — until we finally all talked about it. They had no idea how much they were hurting us, and to be honest, I had no idea how much we were hurting them. It was a really difficult conversation, but it ultimately saved a friendship that was, in my eyes, rapidly declining. And I’m so glad we did that.

One last thing: you mentioned kind of wanting to send a “general PSA” to let folks know about your fertility journey. What’s stopping you from doing that? Is it because it’s not common socially? If so, WHO CARES! I kind of think in this life you gotta just do whatever you think and feel is best and right for you — there’s no guidebook. We’re all just taking our best shot and constantly learning and adjusting. What I’m hearing when you say that you want to send a general PSA is a desire to open up about this journey, with a wider group, rather than 1-1. So go for it. Everyone might not care or reply, and that’s totally okay! The people who do want to hear more — now you’ve given them the opportunity to let you know. Good luck!

One last last thing — it’s okay to mess up and not always have grace. Every single day is the first time we’ve experienced that day. So that’s why for me it always comes down to try your absolute best, and keep trying. Don’t give up! Sometimes friendships are easy and straightforward, sometimes they’re not. But that’s okay — it’s okay for things to be messy and confusing. Sometimes I think we over-prioritize keeping things smooth — it’s okay to put yourself out there and get it wrong. Then you get better. You just keep learning.

Q9:

Hi! My partner and I are talking about getting engaged by the end of this year, and it’s very important to me that we both propose. I’m hoping for advice on what to propose with, because she doesn’t wear jewelry. I know this may be tough to help without knowing her, but general ideas would be helpful, especially if other people had nontraditional proposals. She’s an outdoorsy masc lesbian, loves climbing and cycling and plays the guitar. She does wear an Apple Watch and my main idea right now is a nice leather watch band. I also thought of engraving a carabiner, obviously that would be more of a silly gift and that may not be appropriate. but she loves to be silly! Anyway, grateful for any ideas

A:

Nico: First of all, congratulations!!! Second of all, an engraved carabiner is pretty cute and so is the watch band idea. Some other ideas in no particular order: commission a custom illustration of you both with the date of your proposal, can include all kinds of allusions to your personalities and the things you like; maybe an engraved compass for those outdoor adventures she loves so much, also a metaphor for the adventure and journey that is your relationship; an engraved leather wallet; a special book or antique piece of print material with an inscription from you inside, in which you propose (could be a like, first edition of a favorite book of hers or something of that ilk!), or — not really an object — but since she loves outdoorsy adventures, you could plan a scavenger hunt that ultimately leads her to you and your proposal. I hope more folks will chime in with ideas in the comments!

Kayla: Idk why this was the first thing that came to mind, but I was like PROPOSAL KNIFE!!!!! PROPOSE WITH A KNIFE!!!!!

Nico: Kayla might just be right 🔪🔪🔪

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!