Welcome to the 8^th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. We’re doing this column bi-monthly.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

Q1.

What do you do when you know you screwed up and you know it was entirely your fault and could’ve been avoided and you 100% intend to do better and make amends etc – but you still feel like shit because you know you could’ve done better and you didn’t. How do you deal with being mad at yourself? Or rather, how do you cheer yourself up when all your brain wants to do is berate you for making stupid choices when you knew better.

A.

Vanessa: In these cases, I like to figure out what I have to do to make things right with the person or people I hurt, and what I have to do to make things right with myself. It sounds like you’ve already made amends and intend to take accountability and do better next time, so that part of the puzzle is taken care of (if I’m reading this wrong and you haven’t done that yet, that can often help quite a bit in lifting guilt and feeling better about the whole situation – even if the person doesn’t forgive you immediately, which is totally their perogative, sincerely taking accoutability for a fuck up always helps me feel better). As for making things right with myself/yourself, that’s a little trickier. Guilt is an intense emotion! I like to make an actual tangible list of stuff I’ve done in this life that is right, to remind myself that I’m not a total fool all of the time, and that actually sometimes I do smart and good things. Write this list down and pull it out whenever you need something to hold in your hand that reminds you that you’re an okay human. I also like to distract myself and just fully get my mind off the situation. Finally, I think it’s very productive to talk through your guilt and your shame, and think of ways to truly change your behavior or your actions in the future – just not with the person/people you’ve harmed. Find a trusted friend or check in with your therapist and go over exactly what happened, exactly what you’ll do different next time, etc. Dwell, if you need to dwell. Then take a deep breath, forgive yourself, and move on. You’ll do better next time. We all fuck up. It’s okay.

Valerie Anne: I have this problem a lot, where I feel the mistake I made like a hummingbird in my ribcage and I can’t get it to calm down. Especially at night when I’m trying to sleep. But I try to take deep breaths and go through the facts: It happened. It can’t be undone. I’m taking steps to make it better. It’s so hard, I know, but I just try to remind myself that the one thing that WON’T help the situation is beating myself up or going over the thing I did over and over again in my own head.

KaeLyn: Try this mantra. It really works. “Every mistake is an opportunity to do better next time.” Say it until you believe. Then, take action to mean it. Instead of apologizing, try thanking people for their patience with you. Instead of making excuses for the behavior, try owning it and saying, “I know I messed up. I imagine it impacted you [THIS WAY] and though I did not intend it, I know it was my mistake. I promise to do better next time and hope you’ll give me another chance.” Then, really mean it. Make a choice to take tangible steps towards not making the same mistake again. That said, we’re human. You might mess up again. No one expects you to be perfect. I find that beating myself up never actually helps me do better, so when I start spiraling, I try to I instead focus on what I can improve for next time. It doesn’t always work, but often, like 75% of the time, it does!

Q2.

Is it ever acceptable to double text for first messages on dating apps? I messaged someone and they didn’t message me back. Could I message them in like… six months? What could I say? Is this a super creepy thing to do???

A.

Vanessa: I think you can message someone again if they haven’t responded the first time. It’s not super creepy if you don’t make it super creepy! I’ve gotten really fucking weird first time messages from people that I will never ever respond to, but I’ve also gotten perfectly nice first time messages that I just didn’t respond to because of circumstance – I was dating too many people at once when the message came in, I was deep in end-of-semester-grad-school-haze, I deleted Tinder off my phone and literally never saw the message until months later! If someone were to send me a second message in any of those scenarios I may or may not end up responding, but I certainly wouldn’t think it was creepy – again, unless your actual message is creepy. I’d say go for it, why not! Honestly there’s a strong chance the person will still not respond, but shoot your shot! We’re all gonna die one day, there’s no harm in sending not-creepy double messages on a dating app. Good luck!

Drew: Oh my God don’t wait six months! We all have really different relationships to both dating apps and messaging. The range in etiquette and what different responses mean is vast. So while I personally respond to a message when I’m interested, this is not the case for a lot of people. I think one follow up is totally reasonable. I wouldn’t suggest a third, because I think then the person has made themselves clear. But a second message? I say go for it. Especially if you think you might pine over this person for six months. Or already have!

But also. I always try to remember a profile is just a profile. Even if someone seems really cool, even if I was super excited when we matched, I don’t know this person. So if they don’t respond? Maybe it’s best to move on. Or maybe I give up too easily! Awhile back I matched with someone and messaged my friends “Oh my God I matched with my soulmate on Tinder.” Then a few days later messaged them, “My soulmate never responded to me.” Maybe I should’ve tried again! But also it’s been a couple months and I remember my joke but I don’t remember anything about this profile or why I thought this person was my soulmate. In fact, I don’t even believe in soulmates.

Q3.

Hey! My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years and have just recently moved in together. If I pictured my life in a relationship, it would be the life we are carving out together. Early on in our relationship, we talked about open relationships and she made it clear that she is very monogamous while I have always wanted to try an open relationship. At the time it was not a deal breaker (and remains so), but sometimes I’ll meet someone and wonder what it would be like to date them. I’m very open about my crushes with my girlfriend and she indulges me, up to a point. I’m in that situation right now where I have a ridiculous crush and while I’m not sure if I’d act on the crush if my relationship was non-monogamous, I’m still not sure where to put all these ~feelings, y’know??? My question is, how do I navigate these situations? How do I remain monogamous without driving myself crazy with thinking about would be dates with cool folk??

A.

Vanessa: I don’t know if this is what you’re going to want to hear, but the answer to your question is very easy. You are in a relationship with someone who has been very clear from the very beginning that she is very monogamous and is not interested in partaking in an open relationship. By your description, you seem very happy in this relationship. As such, the way you navigate these situations is by doing… nothing. You’re in a monogamous relationship. You sometimes have crushes. Your girlfriend is down to listen about your crushes. That’s it.

You can think about dating these crushes in a non-monogamous way all you want, but you should not act on these desires while you’re with your girlfriend. Don’t flirt with these folks in a way that A. would give them false hope that you’re available, because you’re not! and B. would make your girlfriend upset or uncomfortable to see, not because being monogamous is correct and being non-monogamous is incorrect (I’m non-monogamous, it rules) but because you have made a promise to your partner within the boundaries of your relationship to be monogamous with her, and breaking that promise and that boundary would be shitty and unethical. So! By all means, continue to meet cool people and wonder about what it would be like to date them. It even sounds like you have a cool girl by your side willing to listen to these wonderings, to a degree. But then put those thoughts away and continue to enjoy the life you’re building with your partner. If you really truly cannot live without the ability to date other people, that’s a conversation you’re going to have to embark on with your girlfriend. For now, you’re lucky. Doing nothing should be very easy. If it becomes too difficult, write to us with a new question.

Drew: I think Vanessa is correct in everything she said. BUT there are still your feelings to deal with! As someone who has a lot of crush feelings even when I’m in monogamous relationships maybe I can help. Personally, I try to figure out what exactly the root of the crush is. Do I think the person is really cool? Or am I just really attracted to them? Or am I consumed with the thought of what we’d be like as a couple? If it’s option one, then CONGRATS. Not only do you have a great girlfriend, but now you have a new friend! In this case I really try to shut down the romantic/sexual crush feelings and focus on the friend crush feelings. Because friend crushes are great! It’s totally possible to fall for a person in a way that is not romantic or sexual. If it’s option two, the person is just really hot, then you know, acknowledge that, appreciate that, probably masturbate, and then remember that hotness fades quickly once consumated. Option three is definitely the most challenging, and, in my unprofessional opinion, points to larger problems within your relationship. Not fatal ones necessarily! But if you’re daydreaming about forming a partnership with another person, it would seem there’s something you’re needing that you currently aren’t receiving in your relationship. The most important thing is to keep checking in with yourself and be honest both with yourself and with your partner. I had crushes throughout my last 3.5 year relationship, but there was a difference in the crushes I had two years in and the crushes I had towards the end. It’s important to recognize that difference and act accordingly.

KaeLyn: Co-sign the above. Do nothing. Or talk to your girlfriend if this is, in fact, a crush you really need to explore. You get to decide, but having feelings doesn’t give you a moral clause to break the commitment you made to your partner who has been honest about what they want. This sounds harsh, but three years is both a long time and not a long time. If you need to explore this and break off your monogamous relationship, the world will not come crashing down completely, I promise. Even if you’d been together 30 years, if you need to figure something out about yourself, that’s valid. You’d be doing your partner a disrespect to stay in the relationship if you’re unhappy. That said, if you are just having crush feelings and aren’t sure where to put them, but aren’t actually actively interested in dating other people enough to take it to the next level, then, honestly, enjoy the feelings! I think it’s fun to have crushes, so long as I’m being honest with everyone involved about where things are or are not going. It’s 100% totally normal to have crushes while you’re in a monogamous relationship and even to think hypothetically about someone else sexually or romantically. The line is between, “That person is hot and I wonder what it’d be like to date them,” and, “That person is hot and I really want to date them.” Good luck!

Q4.

If you’re new to being in an open relationship, and apps aren’t your thing (I’ve met all my partners so far through mutual interests), how do you do it? I’ve gotten a vibe from a few people, but I’m a little terrified to bring it up. I don’t want people talking in the more conservative communities I’m a part of, if the person is weirded out that I brought it up.

A.

Drew: I’m unsure if by “bring it up” you mean simply share that you’re in an open relationship or if you mean bring up the possibility of something happening with this individual. But I do think, if possible, a good first step would be to share that you’re in an open relationship and see how they react. Especially if they previously thought you were in a monogamous relationship. After you share, do they get more flirty? How does their body language shift? The usual signs.

Of course, there’s always a risk when making a move or trying to initiate something, especially in person. And that risk is only more severe when part of conservative communities and either social standing or even physical safety is at stake. So be careful! But I do think ultimately someone has to initiate, and bringing up the status of your relationship seems like a good first move.

Q5.

I’m casually friends with this girl who heavily hints at wanting to make out/hookup with me when we’re both high at parties, but stops short of asking outright, and acts like it didn’t happen when we see each other afterwards. I’m not opposed to a little action– but I want to have a conversation about it first, rather than letting things just happen while under the influence. Am I weird/uptight for feeling this way? How do I go about letting her know?

A.

Vanessa: You’re not weird or uptight! It sounds like you have great communication skills and a desire to make sure everyone is consenting to making out, etc. I love this! In order to let her know you will have to go ahead and let her know. You can try to plan a short convo at the beginning of a party before you’re both high, or if you see her in non-party settings you can bring it up then instead. I’m also a fan of flirty DMs that lead to blunt conversations about intentions. You don’t need to make a big deal out of anything – it’s perfectly acceptable to say something like, “I noticed we were pretty flirtatious at the last party…would you be into hooking up or did I misread those signs?” This creates a clear yes or no answer that she can give, and allows you to get clarity on what her intentions are (and give her clarity about yours!). I will say that in my experience some people are only comfortable flirting or hooking up while under the influence, for a variety of reasons, none of which feel great to me. If this girl is like that and is vague or weird when you try to bring things up directly, she may just not be the right casual friend for you to hookup with, and that’s okay!

Drew: I second everything Vanessa said. You’re DEFINITELY not weird or uptight. I’d add that I’ve had a lot of luck bringing this up in flirty settings that are not parties or where we’re high. I don’t know the nature of your relationship, but say out at dinner or hanging at one of your homes late at night. I also prefer to have a conversation, even a short, flirty one, before hooking up with a friend, or shifting a relationship in that way. And I often find that the conversation itself can be foreplay! Maybe you’ll just be setting ground rules for the next time you’re high at a party. Or maybe you’ll hook up right after the conversation. Depends what you both want! (But I must admit I’ve usually experienced the latter.)

KaeLyn: I wouldn’t take it personally. There is likely some reason that this is only coming up when your friend is under the influence that has everything to do with where she’s at and nothing to do with you. Like Vanessa suggests, having clear and sober communication about it is best. Also, consider that perhaps this woman is still in the closet or hasn’t fully come to terms with her major huge mega crush on you and she’s just dreaming that you’ll make the first move. That was kind of my cool and chill play when I was a baby bi babe. It did not result in a lot of clear communication or good, quality hook-ups at the time. I would’ve genuinely appreciated if my crushes had just said something to me when I was too scared to speak up.

Q6.

“You do you” and “communicate” are great for the most part, but I’m autistic, and asking for a sketch with a floor plan and detailed stage directions in order to fully appreciate my partner’s sexual fantasies has this way of killing the mood. I don’t seem to have the same instinct for this as neurotypicals do, and reading advice intended for heterosexual couples feels a bit gross (I’m femme, with a tomboy girlfriend). I could keep pressing her to detail exactly what would turn her on, but she likes being surprised (although not shocked). In short: Are there any detailed, explicit guides breaking down exactly how this seduction thing works, in a non-demeaning way?

A.

Drew: Unfortunately I don’t think you’ll be able to find a guide, because everyone is so different. But you can discover what your partner is into in a way that’s not killing the mood, but is still explicit. I think about this a lot as a trans woman who often has sex with people who have never had sex with a trans woman before. I’m often met with a lot of hesitation or uncertainty or just a desire on their part for me to, as you say, give a “sketch with a floor plan and detailed stage directions.” And I get it! And I appreciate the thoughtfulness! But also their timidity can be unsexy. The approach I’d suggest to you, and to anyone who has a hard time figuring out what their partner is into, is be specific in your questions. So instead of asking, “What do you want me to do?” ask, “Can I touch you here?” or “Do you like it when I touch you like this?” or “Can I spank you?” The first question? Overwhelming. The other questions? Hot. This is also where it’s important to establish a level of trust with your partner where they know they can be honest and share when something isn’t working for them and if they do or don’t want something.

Al(aina): Okay, friend, while this guide doesn’t break down seduction, there is this guide, right here, on Autostraddle dot com that is so useful if for any reason talking about what turns you/your partner on is hard! It’s what helped me talk about kink when it was weird and hard and made me want to literally hide in a closet for the rest of my life. It was made by Austen and Azul in 2014 for an A-Camp workshop on kink, and my friend, let me reiterate, it is amazing. There are opportunities for you to write, draw, check boxes, whatever you need. I think this could be a really good place for you and your partner to start. Once you have everything your girlfriend likes written out on paper, I think it might be easier for you to go about seducing and surprising her during sex. But I do agree with Drew that everyone is different, and I think heterosexuals are very bad at making it seem like seduction is something that can happen without explicitly discussing what your partner wants. But hopefully, this makes it a little easier to do that.

Q7.

Hello! A couple of years ago I was very much in love with someone and thought we were happy. It ended when suddenly and unexpectedly she left me for someone else. I’ve met a new person and I am very very happy, but how I can I trust that this happiness is real and not going to disappear and I’m not being lied to all over again? Is this a conversation I’m allowed to have with my new person or should I keep it to myself? It feels horribly unfair to make *my* trust issues into *her* problem!!! I’m reading lots of books about it and trying to stay calm, so I guess my question is twofold: Should I have a conversation with my new person about my horrendous trust issues that I’m trying my absolute best to make sure don’t affect my new relationship? Also, do you guys have any recommendations of books, advice, or coping mechanisms to deal with being a person who is struggling to deal with trust issues?

A.

Archie: Get a therapist! Honestly, it’s amazing. A therapist means you don’t have to keep these feelings to yourself OR dump them on your partner! They’ll help you constructively think about trust and your relationship and can help you talk about your anxieties to your partner in a way that isn’t just plopping all your insecurities onto them.

Valerie Anne: I don’t think it can hurt to have a conversation with your current partner that it’s something you’re working through – maybe not like “I can’t trust you because of my last relationship!” but more along the line of letting them know that it’s something you’re aware of and working through. I think talking about it up front will help if, down the line, say you react a certain way to something and then you can take a step back and be like, “Okay I think this is my trust thing and not actually about the thing you did, let’s talk about it,” so it doesn’t just bubble up inside you or come out of nowhere. That said, I 100% agree with Archie re: therapy!!

KaeLyn: Honestly, I think I’d really like to know this about a person, but also it would terrify me a little because of my own attachment and trust issues. That said, as a person with a ton of trust issues, it’s important to have these convos out in the open, but don’t mistake your partner for your therapist. They can’t be the one to solve this for you. You have to keep doing the work yourself, as you have been, ideally with the support of a professional! I’d recommend reading about attachment styles, not to get too far into the clinical research on them, nor to treat them as the One True Truth, but to help get some perspective on how you react and what you can do to keep working on learning to deal with your attachment style. It’s kind of like horoscopes for your own kind of trust issues. Get as into it as you want. Take the parts that are useful. Leave the parts that aren’t helpful.

Riese: You can tell her. You should tell her. You can’t take it out on her or treat her unfairly because of it, but yes tell her. She should know what’s going on in your head. I would want to know. But also, listen: when I look back on my life and all the liars / cheaters / delusions I believed in that weren’t real — and hell, things I did to someone else, too, in the past —I start to feel like “trust issues” are inevitable, like chicken pox. The really bad kind that scars. If you are in the game long enough everybody will remind you, uncomfortably, of something else that turned out bad and you’ll be like “I don’t want to miss the signs this time!!!!” but you know what you can’t control anybody but yourself. One day, in a good situation, maybe even the one you’re in right now, you’ll trust them, not because “trustworthy” is a fixed quality — sometimes you can trust a person who somebody else trusted but shouldn’t have — but because they love you louder than your issues scream. You’re not ruined, you’re just alive.

Q8.

I recently got into dating after flying solo for two years. I’ve gone on a couple of dates with this lady – she’s gorgeous, smart, we have all kinds of chemistry. The thing is, she’s made it clear she’s looking for a relationship, and I’m struggling to see how being in a relationship will contribute to my life in any positive way?

None of the traditional accoutrements of a relationship appeal to me. I’m deeply independent and have no desire to compromise on how I spend my time. I’m borderline asexual (meaning I want sex maybe once every six months, and even then I’m perfectly happy getting off on my own), and any kinds of emotional intimacy or fulfillment a relationship might offer I either am already fulfilling or easily could through friendships, hobbies, education, etc. I worry that I am going into this dating thing because I think that’s what one is *supposed* to do in their mid-twenties – date people, have sex, maybe look for a partner – but it’s not actually what I want. I’m honestly pretty happy with my life and my community right now, and I just don’t see the point of changing that balance to let someone new in. Am I totally wrong here? Or do I just need to stop doubting myself and embrace the spinster lifestyle that I’m already pretty keen on?

A.

Vanessa: It sounds like you’re really happy in your life without a relationship, and I would encourage you to embrace that and let yourself be happy and relationship-free! If you’re really uninterested in having a partner and the person you’re going on dates with is really interested in having a partner, I’d go ahead and break that off – it doesn’t matter how much chemistry you have with a person if you’re fundamentally looking for different things, and the longer you spend going on dates the more likely it is that someone will get their feelings hurt when things end. Honestly it sounds like you have an amazing fulfilling life and you absolutely do not need a partner or a relationship if you don’t want one. Mazel tov on living the dream! Honestly you are an inspiration to us all.

KaeLyn: Embrace it! It sounds like you know what you want and wanting to remain solo is a very valid choice. So choose it. Choose yourself! I think your date will ultimately appreciate you being upfront instead of entering a relationship you’re not sure that you want.

Q9.

I’m bi but I’m scared of men. How do I know if the guy I’m dating will listen when it comes to the big things like that I don’t sub in bed and what “no” means? How do I turn a man down without hurting his feelings? I’ve had so many bad experiences :(

A.

KaeLyn: Ya’ know what? No one says you have to date men just because you’re bi. I’m bi. I’ve dated many men. I have no interest in actually dating men in the future at all, at least not straight men, even if they’re hot AF. I’m being totally serious. You should not have to worry about whether men will respect consent or whether you’re hurting their feelings by rejecting unwanted advances. Think about how totally fucked up that is for a second. You don’t owe that to anyone of any gender. You’re doing emotional labor for potential male partners before even meeting them if you’re thinking about this right now. If you do happen to meet a man who you like and who is very clear about consent and respectful of your space and boundaries, then yay! Go for it! But I advise you to spend exactly zero percent of your time worrying about shitty straight men and their feelings and whether they will respect you or not rape you. You’re worth more than that! You deserve much more from a partner! Being bisexual doesn’t mean you have to date men at all and you definitely don’t owe them any of your time.

Q10.

Is there a way to say “If [this person] is going to be there, don’t invite me” without coming off like one of those toxic mother-in-laws who pop up in advice columns trying to hold family holidays hostage over the guest list?

Background: there’s this super toxic person on the periphery of my friend group who is at “80% of us can’t stand you and the other 20% just haven’t gotten to know you yet” status. Everyone talks about how much they dislike this person, yet they constantly use their toxic-ness to keep getting invited to things (if they feel slighted or can’t get their way, they send barrages of angry text messages, give you the silent treatment, etc). Suffice to say they’ve been particularly rude to me and I recently discovered that they have been sexually harassing someone else in the friend group. That just pushed me to the point where I can no longer be civil to them. So the easiest solution for me is *definitely* to not have to be around this person, ever, even if it means forgoing hanging out with my friends. How do I express that without sounding like I’m trying to cause my own drama?

A.

Vanessa: Honestly, it’s fine to say, “Hey, sorry to put you on the spot, but can you let me know if you invited X? I really don’t want to share space with them so I’ll pass on hanging out if they’re going to be there.” Your friends may feel you’re being dramatic, but you’re not. It’s perfectly reasonable to not want to share space with someone who makes you uncomfortable, and if you’re willing to sit out social events because the person is so unpleasant, that’s actually very mature of you. I do think if this person is sexually harassing someone in your group it’s kind of fucked up that anyone would want them around? If not everyone knows about this then I would probably go ahead and make the group aware, and if they still wanted to invite this person to things I might reevaluate how close I feel to anyone involved. Lots of people don’t like to “rock the boat” or “cause drama” but the truth is that inviting someone who is toxic or abusive into community spaces so that you don’t “make a scene” sucks, and we should all stop doing that. I’m not talking about ganging up on people because of unsubstantiated gossip or just because they’re annoying, but if someone causes actual harm and still gets invited to things because folks “don’t want to cause drama,” that’s shitty on their part, not yours.

Valerie Anne: I vote you stage a coup and convince everyone stop inviting this person to things?? Maybe get that 80% on your side and boycott anything that person is invited to? Maybe that’s petty but I lost my ability to be rational when you got to the sexual harassment. That said, my friend keeps inviting her toxic ex-girlfriend around so if I ever suspect she might be at a thing I flat-out ask her if she’ll be there and she tells me. I was basically like, “Look, you might be ready to forgive her for how she treated you, but I’m not, and I don’t trust myself to not be a bitch to her so I’d rather just not be in the same place as her” and she got it. And since she knows how I feel about this person, she’ll often even let me know as part of the invite. It’s very helpful. I felt a little guilty at first for the reasons you mentioned, but Vanessa’s right; anyone who isn’t respectful of you not wanting to share space with someone that toxic maybe isn’t as good a friend as you thought.

Riese: I think your willingness to bow out, as Vanessa said, is really mature!

Q11.

I am a baby dom who is not very experienced, but is VERY excited about the prospect of being dominant in a kinky way (still exploring, very carefully, exactly what kind of domination I enjoy). My personality tends to be kind of giggly and spacecase-y and shy and soft and gentle in my everyday life. I tend to date more assertive, decisive people. BUT, in particular areas, I’m really focused and strict and precise (like writing essays, or my work, or organising my clothes in a colour-coordinated system, or sex). I like being dominant during kinky sex, but I don’t have the energy to be dom-y the rest of the time in my life. Plus, that vibe just doesn’t feel true to me outside of sex and other particular situations. I’m worried that my general personality will make subs think that I’m not dominant enough! Is this a valid thing to be worried about?! Help!!!

A.

Valerie Anne: I have literally zero experience with this personally HOWEVER since no one else has answered yet, I’ll tell you what I do know from psychology classes and TV shows: being dominant in the bedroom but less so outside the bedroom, and being dominant in life but submissive in the bedroom is EXTREMELY common. It’s the fantasy of it that can be appealing to people, the fact that it IS so different than their daily lives. It’s a safe space to either let go or take control when they don’t often get to. So, I think as long as you’re open and honest and keep figuring out exactly what you like, you’ll find someone who understands your dichotomy.

KaeLyn: There are plenty of subs who don’t want to live the lifestyle 24/7. There are also many subs who have toppy vibes outside of the bedroom, so, like, no worries at all. You’re good! Just be upfront about it when approaching potential partners, particularly if you’re considering a relationship outside of playing with them.

Al(aina): So I actually hate when doms are super dominant outside of the bedroom, especially if we haven’t discussed that before. Having a personality outside of dominance is so important because if we’re making eyes at the bar and all of a sudden you’re like, acting like you’re in charge of me, I’ll fight you. I don’t want to tell you your worries aren’t valid, but I do want to tell you that I think most subs like doms with actual personalities. Otherwise you come off as like, one of those skinny white dudes who used to be on tumblr snapping a belt??? And we don’t want that.

ALSO, as America’s Next Top Bottom and a superb submissive in the bedroom, I’m also starting to take on a Social Top identity (all of my True Top friends are laughing very hard right now), so like, we contain multitudes babe! Be you!

Q12.

I feel like almost every queer couple I know, got together through casually hooking up and then accidentally catching feelings. That’s totally cool and valid, but that’s not something I’m capable of right now – I am still dealing with a lot of trauma and need to take things slow and be with people I trust. Will I be alone forever? (I wrestle a lot with my envy for people who have the ability to enjoy casual sex, and it’s such an ugly emotion.)

A.

Vanessa: You will not be alone forever! I’m sorry about the trauma you have experienced and the ramifications it has had on your life. I’m impressed that you know yourself well enough to see what you are and are not capable of right now. Life is long and our emotions and capabilities change over time, but even if you never want to casually hook up and accidentally catch feelings, you will not be alone forever. People meet and find partners through so many different ways. You will find other people who want to take things slow and build trust before having sex, etc. Also – it’s okay to feel envious about people who have the ability to enjoy casual sex. I invite you to let yourself feel that feeling, and don’t worry too much about if it’s an ugly emotion or not. It just is what it is. You’re doing your best.

Drew: I think couples often form the way you described because it requires less emotional vulnerability. It’s scary to be upfront about what is that you want. But it’s also great that you know what you want! And I think a lot of queer people are actively looking for relationships based on an emotional connection and trust. So you absolutely will not be alone forever. You should feel proud of yourself for knowing what it is that you need and what your boundaries are. This is a great way to meet someone and enter a potential relationship. But it’s also so okay to be envious of people who enjoy casual sex. It is easier and at least gives the appearance that they’re less alone. I’d suggest that’s not necessarily the case though!

KaeLyn: There are so many people who do not enjoy casual sex. It seems that everyone is hooking up, but it just isn’t true. There’s nothing wrong with casual sex, but statistically everyone is not having it. They’re just not! While it was true when I was in college that everyone in a relationship seemed to start as a hook-up, I’ve gotta’ say that most people in my current age bracket (mid-30’s and up) met through more tame/sober means like on an app or through mutual friends or through a queer community chorus or something. Your person is out there and you don’t have to fuck your way into their heart, I promise!

Q13.

My cis straight male husband and I recently decided to be non-monogamous due to the fact that:

1. I’ve realized I am lesbian and not bisexual (long story, I was living as a lesbian before I met him and that’s all complicated)
2. Our marriage has not been, shall we say, physical for many years.
3. He wants to stay married and he’s a good guy. We live a comfortable lifestyle that will be painful to disrupt. That doesn’t mean we’ll stay married, but for the time being, non-monogamy is our word of the day.

My friends say no woman will want to get involved with me because of these circumstances. I’ve never used an app and it scares me and that seems like the only way to find women who might be interested. Are my friends right? And when I meet women I’m interested in, should I disclose my circumstances right away? I have no idea what I’m doing. Help?

A.

Archie: Yes, be upfront about your circumstances as soon as possible (hell, include it on your dating profile). Being honest is going to work in your favor in the long run. Yes, it might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but you’re looking for people who are genuinely interested in you, who want to be with you in whatever circumstance you find yourself in. We all want to be in relationships (casual or not) where we’re all on the same page with each other about our intentions and situations. No one wants to be surprised by someone’s surprise husband–especially after feelings get involved! ALSO, for the record, your pals are wrong. Get on some dating apps, have fun!

KaeLyn: Don’t treat it like a secret and it won’t become a secret. Honestly, I don’t think potential partners will care that much, particularly if you aren’t looking for someone to hook up with both you and your husband, which it sounds like is not your plan. If they’re into you, they’re into you, and if they’re not, they’re not the right person. Hit those apps, for sure!

Riese: I feel like your situation would be really appealing to solo poly folks, for example, who don’t want their relationships on the “relationship escalator” and are just looking to explore and engage with someone. A lot of people out there aren’t looking to start a relationship and also would like to just have a good time.

Q14.

My boyfriend, my (queer girl) crush, and I decided it was a great idea to get an off campus apartment together next year, but now I’m worried my crush will find out I’m into her and that things will get awkward oh god what have I done??

A.

Vanessa: I have a lot of questions! Does your boyfriend know you have a crush on this girl? Are you monogamous? How old are y’all? What is your ideal scenario? Did you already sign a lease? Could you maybe not live together? This isn’t helpful but my professional opinion is, as you may have already guessed, that y’all should not live together. Please write back with a follow up because I’m now invested and concerned!

Carolyn: I have one rule when it comes to co-habitation, and it’s that as long as my situation allows, I will never live with a human with whom I am not having sex. Bed death, platonic roommates, and family are all perfectly and beautifully excluded. If I didn’t have that rule, however, I’d have another: Don’t fuck where you sleep. If you can take the crush feelings and politely set them aside and never look at them again (some people can do this; lots of people can’t), then sure, go ahead and move in. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for a lot of unnecessary hurt for someone, whether it’s you, your boyfriend, your crush, or all three.

Drew: Okay. Assuming the lease is signed and this is happening (your “oh god what have I done??” implies that), I just want to reassure you that you’re going to be okay. We have all made choices that are, um, less than wise, and we’ve all done self-destructive things that have caused some hurt. So, I truly wish you the best of luck. I hope you’re able to contain your crush feelings, at least for the remainder of this lease. And if you’re not, well, it’s going to be messy! But you already know that. So just take some deep breaths, approach each day as level headed as you can, and next summer please don’t renew this lease! Oh and remember that people sublet all the time, people crash on friends’ couches all the time, there are escape routes if things become unbearable.

Reneice: I’d say what you’ve done is put yourself in a position that will likely require some honesty from you which could be an incredible thing. It is very hard to live with someone you have a crush on without it bubbling to the surface eventually. You could try to hold it in and pretend you’re totally chill when you see her brushing her teeth in her underwear for the first time on an early workday morning, or you could tell her! It definitely doesn’t need to be immediately, i’m not suggesting you casually mention while helping carry a box that you’re into her (though, do you!) but I do think there’s a guaranteed way to make this a huge awkward uncomfortable situation, and that’s by not being honest with yourself and the others involved for so long that by the time they do get pulled in, it’s an irreparable mess.

Maybe after a few weeks of living together and learning her annoying habits that crush will fizzle right on out and the honest thing to do will be accept that, be glad that it’s over, and move on. However, if the opposite happens, i’d suggest finding a way to bring it up to both your boyfriend (if he doesn’t know) and your crush. I sincerely believe the awkwardness of admitting your crush and possibly having it not reciprocated will be less than the awkwardness of what might happen if you let it snowball.

Q15.

Does anyone have tips for confronting internalized fatphobia as a not-fat person? All the women in my family have been on diets since I was little, I did ballet from age 4 until 21, and I am a woman living in our shitty fatphobic and ableist world – so naturally I have some baggage. But I’m noticing that when I look for people to date, I feel “less attracted” to people bigger than me. This is so shitty of me! I don’t want to miss out on dating someone amazing and interesting and sexy just because I have this bias! I know there has to be a way to get past these feelings that absolutely don’t line up with how I strive to be in community with others!

A.

Vanessa: Hi! This is a valid question and I want to give you props for asking it. Unlearning fatphobia is something I’d love us all to be working on, not just fat people, so welcome. I would encourage you to diversify your Instagram feed to include hot fat babes, notice what you find attractive in the people you’re attracted to and interrogate what exactly you’re turned on by and try to divorce that from ideas about fat/thin bodies, and start working on putting down the baggage you have about your own body.

I also don’t mean for this part to sound snarky, but I’d encourage you to do a lot of this work before you start going on dates with fat babes. As a fat person I will say it sucks to feel looked over by thin people because they’re fatphobic (we can tell, trust me! If I’ve known you for 10 years and you’ve never fucked a fat girl, I have noticed!!!) but it sucks even more to feel like someone’s first time experiment into the realm of Showing Off You’re Not Fatphobic By Fucking Fat People. I really don’t mean to be flip because of course there’s no way to do the work other than doing the work, but just try to be mindful of where your head’s at before you date or fuck a fat babe. Thank you!!

Archie: Vanessa’s advice is perfect, obvi, and I would just like to add that if you look at your friend group and you don’t have any fat pals, that should also be something to work on. First, as Vanessa mentioned, ya gotta do the work (and continue to do the work). Having folks of all sizes in your life will not only enrich your life because friendship rocks, but also then you have these amazing hot friends with amazing hot personalities and bods and you’ll be like wow damn bless my life for these hot ppl in it. Also, this article by adrienne maree brown.

KaeLyn: Start following fat queer babes on Instagram right now. Seriously! Just start getting fat, sexy, beautiful bodies in front of your face because that’s the only way you start to unlearn your implicit biases. There are so many beautiful fat models and photographers and influencers. Don’t make these folks teach you anything. Just follow them and start to spend more time looking at and appreciating fat bodies. Honestly, your fat friends don’t want to do the emotional labor of helping you with this and fat sexual or romantic partners definitely don’t want to feel like a science project. Doing the active work of unlearning our biases is admirable and hard work. It takes time. Give yourself time to do it justice. How many years did you spend learning your biases? It’s going to take more than a few months to unlearn them! Lastly, I often find that fatphobia comes from a place of internalized fatphobia, even for skinny people. So spend time with your own body, too, showing it some love and getting rid of any ties between your size and your self worth that you might be holding on to. You definitely can’t love a fat babe well until you love your body and self at any size, too.

Reneice: I wanna echo what everyone else has said here and also suggest you follow fat and body positive accounts on social media, and add that a good way to find accounts that you like is to check the hashtags! Go to the page of a fat babe you know (like vanessa or kaelyn or myself) see who we follow, what hashtags we use, and cruise through those pages. There’s also a lot of amazing fat babes on this list I wrote that would be an amazing place to start. Following these accounts might feel like a lot at first and that’s totally normal. You’re unlearning a deep, pervasive way of thinking that’s impacted you your whole life. It will take time, but if you stick with it, learn the effects of fatphobia on society and start to release yourself from their bonds, you’ll find your tastes and attractions opening and expanding as well. It’s really fucking amazing when it happens. Just wait!

Q16.

I never tell my mother I’m trans masculine because it would hurt her. I never tell anyone who interacts with her because the same. I never use my chosen name professionally because the same. I’ve said it once out loud to her and she got offended and hurt.

I also don’t come out as trans in spaces where my name is assumed or where I don’t know if it would be socially safe.

Would it be false to tell people in queer spaces where I feel safe what the name I want to be called and the pronouns I want to be called are? I am ok with being called my birth name and female pronouns because most people I mix with don’t understand gender and consider me ‘very much a tomboy’. But I feel like I would feel better using my chosen name in a space which feels safe and non judgemental. I’m not ready to come out yet everywhere and deal with the hassle that comes from explaining what it is to be trans. Will people think I’m fake over this?

A.

Archie: It is totally chill to come out a little at a time! It is a great idea to start in a place and a community that’s going to get it. A lot of folks come out slowly. The first time I used my chosen name and pronouns was in a queer book club with mostly strangers because it felt super safe (and also wasn’t the main topic at hand)! By coming out in queer spaces also means you’ll have a place of respite from your birth name. This is not a ‘fake’ thing to do, this is a very real thing to do. Having this community also gives you space to breathe and vent and can eventually help you get the courage to come out in other areas of your life if you choose.

Drew: Not only is this not fake, but I’d say it’s the most common approach to coming out as trans! It was important to me that I felt very confident in my identity before taking on the doubts of my family and certain friends. Everything can feel so uncertain even just within ourselves and involving other people’s transphobia can be toxic to the process of self-discovery. So please use your name and pronouns and labels when you’re in queer spaces or any space you feel safe. And know that these can always shift and none of that ever makes you fake. No part of coming out legitimizes your transness. You and your transness are always legitimate and coming out can take as long as it needs to take or remain partial if that’s what’s safest and makes you feel best.

Q17.

I’m a bi 25-year-old ladyslashperson. Most of my life I’ve identified as a cis woman, but in the last year I’ve begun to identify more and more as non-binary, leaning towards the masculine. I haven’t even tried to claim the “trans” label, though, because I don’t feel like I’m trans enough. No matter how masculine I try to make myself, I’m still being read as female. Plus, I do like to wear dresses and lipstick occasionally. A big fear I have is – if it turns out I’m not a woman, I’ll be rejected from the community of queer women I’ve become a part of. I know in my gut that the words “woman” and “lady” and “miss/ma’am” do not fit me, but I’m afraid of exploring further what might. Where do I go from here?

A.

Archie: This is exciting and you should be excited! The cool thing with being non-binary is that you can still wear dresses and lipstick as much (or as little) as you want! The cool thing about queer community is that it isn’t stagnant – it’ll adapt with you or you’ll adapt into a new community. There’s a really good chance your community of queer women will love and accept you as non-binary and encourage you to explore what that means. If they’re real pals, they’ll want you to be happy more than they’ll want you to continue identifying as a woman. And if not: there’s a whole world of folks ready and willing to accept you as who you are. I say, lean into this feeling. Find a community of other trans and non-binary folks to discuss this with, either online or in person. Check out some of the Autostraddle articles about non-binary identity because they are a RESOURCE of feelings and emotions and really solid advice. Don’t overthink what makes you feel good.

And honestly, it’s true that no matter how you present you might always get read as a woman. The best advice I have to combat that is to create a really solid group of friends and chosen family who will reassure you in your identity when the rest of the world won’t.

Drew: The idea of “not being trans enough” is something I hear really frequently. Especially from non-binary friends. I just want to say that there is no such thing as being trans enough. If trans is a word you feel fits you, or if it isn’t now but becomes a word that fits you, then it is yours to use. I have some non-binary friends who use the word trans and some that don’t, but I just want to make sure you know that is your call.

Q18.

Hi, Autostraddle. Warning: this is going to be lonnng.

I’m a cis woman in my late twenties and have been married to my husband for a handful of years. I’ve never been closer to anyone than I am to him. But it’s time for me to be honest with him. I’m 99.9% sure I’m gay. Shocker, as I’m here writing to AS and all.

I’ve been attracted to women since my early twenties, I think, but for a litany of psychological reasons, I’ve only allowed my brain to truly feel these feelings within the past couple years. Then, by allowing only PART of me to feel these feelings, I’ve been able to compartmentalize and go on living my straight life. Being generally happy, honestly.

But I’ve gotten to know this girl. She makes me WEAK IN THE KNEES. She is wicked smart and funny and lives with her girlfriend, whom I’ve never met, but I’m sure they’re happy together. It’s not even like I want to be with her or come between them or anything like that. I just WANT what they have. I want to be with a woman. I just can’t ignore my feelings any longer. I JUST CAN’T. Life is too short, you know?

Ok, so if I want to change my situation, I need to take action. I need to tell my husband the truth. But I am so scared. Scared of losing my best friend, which is inevitable, because I know this will tear him up and there is no chance of maintaining a friendship. I am so scared of hurting him so badly. He is honestly a wonderful person and I do love him. And I know this is going to sound terrible, but the thing I might be most scared of is dealing with the logistics of the whole thing… our mortgage, finances, in-laws, friends, pets, home furnishings. Everything is OURS. We have built a life together. He also has a disability and depends on me for a lot of things. I want to keep helping him with these things. Right now, everything is safe. On the other side of this secret, everything is blurry and undefined and terrifying.

So this brings me to my question, I guess. How the heck do I do this? Anyone gone through something similar who can offer advice?

A.

Carolyn: Hopefully someone will jump in to speak to the coming out parts, but re: the divorce and logistics parts: If you love him as much as you say you do, then the best way to honor your relationship is by being up front about your feelings and what needs to happen next. As someone who had a sloppy divorce, the worst part was not actually getting divorced; it was my ex taking months and months to tell me that’s what she wanted and months more to initiate legal steps. It is so much worse and so much more damaging to know a partner feels things they aren’t being honest with you about than it is to face what’s happening head-on so you can move through and past it. It’s gonna suck either way, but it can at least suck respectfully, you know?

If you’re in a position to do so, I also recommend working with a mediator to walk you through all the other stuff together. It’s a lot to do alone, and the right mediator can help you talk to each other as you go through the process, can tell you what you need to focus on with her and what you can sort out as homework, and can help with your paperwork, including around spousal support.

KaeLyn: You already know what you need to do. Not living your life is only going to make you resent your husband and that’s not fair to either of you. It’s not going to be easy, of course. Decide on one step you can take towards making your future yours. Maybe it’s not leaving your marriage tomorrow, but you can make a move in the direction you know you’re headed. Maybe it’s just knowing in your heart that you’ve made this choice and letting yourself feel everything that comes with that. It can take time. You don’t have to rush into it. You also may have to let go of the idea that your husband will want your help once you’ve cut things off or that you will be able to help him. You may well find that going your separate ways means you have to let go of your friendship, too. This isn’t always the case, but it often is. There’s no magic pill to make this easier. I can say that pretty much every person feels one million times better after they come out even if it throws their life into chaos. I send you all my love as you work through it.

Carmen: I was recently reminded of this piece, written by our very own Laneia, which is so good and practical but also heartfelt and – it just always moves me to the best kind of tears. Anyway, I think you could also use some of this goodness right now: How To Leave Your Husband (Because You’re a Lesbian).

Reneice: I first want to say that I’m incredibly proud of you for having enough awareness to be saying this out loud and seeking advice. I hear you that this is scary. Your whole life is in fact going to change once you set these wheels in motion, but I’d urge you to remember that that’s a really good thing. It’s an incredible thing, for both you and your husband. Just like you deserve to be in a relationship and living a life that’s fulfilling, so does he, and right now neither of you are doing that. It sounds like you’ve reached the place of knowing that fear isn’t a reason to keep yourself or anyone else from living authentically, so you’re right, it’s time to do the scary, world shifting thing and say the words. Let your husband go, and let go of the guilt you’re carrying knowing this needs to be said as well.

There’s no magic amount of time that will make the conversation less difficult, that will make the fallout easier to navigate, you just have to know and trust that the outcome, your future living and loving how you truly want to, is worth it. Yes there will be hard feelings and uncomfortable negotiations to follow, but you already know that. You’re preparing yourself for it just by seeking advice. It will be messy and painful but sometimes that’s the way to happiness. Also, the fact that the logistics of it all are weighing on you more heavily than the rest is the clearest sign that it’s definitely absolutely time and you’re making the right decision.

In terms of how to do it, most likely no matter how you deliver the news it’ll feel like a mess butt there’s a few suggestions I can give from my experience. First, have the conversation sooner rather than later. I’ve always opted for having hard conversations in neutral territory, like a random coffee shop or a park, be prepared to know what questions you’re not ready or willing to answer, set a specific timeframe so you don’t get sucked into an hours long discussion (there will be time for that later), and have something set up to do with a close friend after like a movie night or making dinner together where you can talk if you want, or not if you don’t, but have that support either way. I’d also highly suggest not looking at your phone the rest of that day. Sending you so much love!

Q19.

Hey! So recently I’ve been in the mood for casual sex with strangers but haven’t had the time/energy to put into cruising. So I got on the apps and now I have several sex appointments booked in for the near future which is great! However, I just realised that I’m a bit unsure how app hookups work?

All the one night stands I’ve had in the past have started with us talking, dancing and making out at a bar and then moving back to one of our own places (or the bathroom) to do the sex. How does it work when you’ve planned sex and just show up at a stranger’s house? Do you talk beforehand or just start making out? How long should you talk for? I’ve always known what moves to make in dark, noisy corners of busy clubs but I’m worried this will be so much more awkward!I won’t know what to do in the bright lights and quiet emptiness of a stranger’s home.

A.

Vanessa: First of all, congrats on your sex appointments! Second of all, if you’ve set these meetings up as legit sex appointments, you and the other person are going to be on the same page about what’s happening with them, so that’s great! I’ve found that casual sex dates made through apps go one of two ways. Either we chat for a little while before hooking up (to see if there’s chemistry in person, to go over what we like/don’t like or what we do/don’t want to do that day) and then hook up, or we hook up pretty much right away. You asked how long you should talk for – honestly this varies, but I’d say anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour is normal? I had one casual date bring pink champagne to my house and we hung out in my backyard and drank a little and got to know each other for about an hour before moving to my bedroom; I once went over to a casual date’s house for dinner and we were fucking before he’d turned the oven on. It really just depends on the vibe and the chemistry and the season and a million other factors! Yes, it’s different than cruising at a busy club. Sometimes it’s a little awkward, but it’s never been bad! I have total faith that you’ll get the hang of it quickly and hopefully have some great casual sex! Enjoy!

Reneice Wow, I’m so excited for you and all this hot casual sex you’re about to have! Similarly to Vanessa, in my experience this has always varied between barely making it through the door before clothes come off and gloves go on, or having some kind of fizzy drink ( i don’t know why they’re always fizzy, but they are) and chatting for like 20-30 minutes before going ahead and doing what we’re really there for. I think just like every other interaction it varies person by person and that’s totally okay! Sometimes you’ll wanna skip the pleasantries and sometimes they’re really nice and soothing for those “am I really about to have sex with a stranger from the internet?” nerves. I’ve also never had someone respond negatively to being asked in the app the day of our appointment something like “should I bring a fizzy beverage or are we headed straight to bed?” Being straightforward about what you want is a really sexy thing to do, so just go with that and you’ll be golden.

Q20.

Due to some past trauma that I am currently healing from, I get really stressed out and distressed when people talk about sex. Because I’m queer and like to immerse myself in queer community, this happens a lot!

Also, because, again, I am still processing a lot of my trauma, discussions of non-monogamous sex, or casual sex, or kinky sex, or group sex make me feel really insecure – because I’m not currently in a place where I can do those things (and, potentially, never will be).

I *know* that people should be able to talk about all the types of sex they’re having, especially in a queer context. I also can’t help how I feel, and how I feel is not good. (And I feel guilty for feeling not-good about this, because I don’t want to perpetrating these shitty and outdated respectability politics.) Any suggestions for moving through these complex emotions, and getting to a place where my feelings match my political views on this?

A.

Carolyn: First, you need to be in therapy (unless you are already in therapy, in which case good job, keep going at least weekly, proceed to step number two). Because you say this is a trauma-related issue, the first step in overcoming it is to commit to work with trauma professional, ideally one who has experience with queerness and kink. There are databases of kink-friendly professionals; if no one is near you, you can either slip in a story about consensually non-monogamous queer casual kinky group sex into the intake and consider how they respond, or you can directly ask how they would handle it if you wanted to talk about feeings you had during a piercing orgy or whatever. I’ve personally found there’s a difference between therapists who say they’re conceptually okay with kink, and therapists who will get into the lived specifics of what goes on in those experiences; your mileage may vary. Depending on your experiences and needs, try out a few strategies until you find someone you want to work with.

Second, figure out strategies you can use during conversations about queer sex that do not involve policing others’ experiences. You have a personal problem, so you need to find some personal solutions. You can physically leave the conversation for a few minutes: go pee and hang out in there for a second (“there was a line”), go get some water, go get everyone some water, go for a cigarette if you do that sort of thing, go pretend to go for a cigarette while really just having a minute alone outside and taking several deep breaths, go across the street or around the block for some gum. You can mentally leave the conversation for a few minutes: phones are a plague, but they sure do let you look at pictures of plants or architecture or check out a new library book or send an email or text a friend who isn’t there about something unrelated or read through a meditation or look up tickets for that concert you heard about or any of a million things that require enough of your attention to remove it from the source of your distress. Make our collective ruined ability to be present your secret weapon. You could also focus on the feeling of your feet on the floor, or count deep breaths to three hundred, visualize yourself surrounded in a soft, warm light while all of your knots fall away. I bet you can think of six more things you could to do mentally or physically remove yourself from your surroundings just for a few minutes when you need to.

Second and a half, if you absolutely want to stay in the conversation, I recommend asking questions (and still giving yourself room to leave if you want or need to) as a great way to participate, engage, and make the focus on someone else without a need to share yourself. Questions also let you subtly change the subject if you need to, without “changing the subject.” For instance: your friend is musing on a recent scene with a new person. You know that person just started a pop-up or got a new cat or something, so you can ask whether your friend has been to their shop or got to meet the cat. Then you can naturally lean in to talking about pop ups or cats or whatever.

Third, or honestly maybe first, remember that other people talking about a thing doesn’t mean they are implicitly saying you are somehow less than unless you do that thing. (If your friends ARE saying this, you need better friends.) Lots of people have consensual sex that looks all sorts of ways, and none of those ways are better or worse than any others. Lots of people have no sex, not right now or ever, whether beause of an asexual orientation or because of low sex drive or because of trauma or because sometimes honestly who has the time. When queer spaces are so often hypersexual, it makes sense that you feel insecure about being in a nonhypersexual place. But I also encourage you to be compassionate and welcoming to yourself and where you are right now. You write essentially that you don’t want to shame others for their experiences; that means that you have to stop shaming yourself for yours.

Q21.

Hello! I need some advice on whether to/how to come out as queer to my kid.

She is 11. I divorced her father when she was 6, and started dating my current primary partner, also a cis man, a year later. I’ve been doing a great job over the last few years playing around with non-monogamy and building a circle of queer friends, with the loving support of my amazing primary partner. But I mostly do all my gay stuff on the weekends when kiddo is with her dad, and while she’s met a couple of my gal pals, I just haven’t quite had the nerve to tell her what the deal is!!

Her dad was emotionally and sexually abusive to me throughout our relationship, and a lot of that abuse centered around my queerness.. So I’m pretty anxious about her outing me to him (for my sanity, I don’t communicate directly with him except for setting pick up and drop off times). I’m dealing with a fair bit of internalized homophobia, which I would love to avoid passing on since I actually suspect she might be queer, too – she loves playing with gender presentation and she’s definitely had some lil’ crushes on her gymnastics coach, camp counselors, etc. I don’t want queerness to be a forbidden topic or a shameful secret, and I do my best to bring up examples of amazing queer and lesbian role models in casual conversation (thank you, Megan Rapinoe). Overall I think I’m managing to keep the lines of communication open around things like puberty, dating, friendship, etc. but I am just not sure how to say this one thing!

How can I be honest with her in an age-appropriate way while keeping myself safe, and if she turns out to be queer, keeping her safe too??? Is that even possible?

(And no, changing the custody arrangement is not currently an option.)

A.

Reneice: My short answer to your question is yes, I absolutely think you should come out to your daughter. My long answer starts with saying I hear you loud and clear on how difficult the idea of doing so is/has been, especially given the abuse you’ve suffered and it’s ties to your queerness. Those are very real, valid fears and feelings and the only thing that will get you through them is time and work, so please remember to have patience with yourself. Also if you have a therapist or access to one, this would be a great thing to work through with a professional. With that said, if there is anything I’ve learned in all my years working with children and families, it’s that children know, and are ready to hear far more things than their parents generally feel ready to tell and teach them!

Judging by the few things you’ve mentioned about your daughter and her personal interactions with queerness that you’ve noticed, it’s quite possible that if and when you do decide to come out to her, she won’t be surprised. She’s spent eleven years living, learning, and observing everything in her environment, the center of which is you! If I had to guess id say it’s very possible that she has some idea that you’re queer, or at the very least that there’s something about yourself and your life you aren’t sharing with her. If that’s the case, it’s also possible that in not sharing this part of your life with her, she’s internalizing that queerness, whatever her understanding of that may be, is something to be kept secret.

There can be truth to that at times, it’s not always safe to be out and your fears about her outing you to her father are a perfect example, but nuance can be hard to grasp for an eleven year old and without having a direct conversation with her about it, there’s no way for you to know where her head is and ensure that she doesn’t think of queerness as forbidden or a shameful secret. That has to be role-modeled, which is why especially if you’re thinking your daughter may be queer as well, it could be really helpful and healing for both of you to come out to her. That doesn’t mean you have to tell her everything, and in fact given the other factors involved and your mention of wanting to keep it age-appropriate i’d suggest opening the conversation with a talk about boundaries.

If you explain (or remind her of) the importance of boundaries and how they’re different from secrets, it’ll be a pretty straightforward segway from there to say something like “I’m mentioning this because there’s something personal about me I’d like to tell you, and just like you have the right to set boundaries and who you share details of your personal life with, and how, I have that right as well.” Then you can explain however you choose about the boundary you’ve set with her father, and if/when it feels right, come out! It doesn’t have to be all one conversation, it definitely won’t be perfect or go exactly how you anticipate it will, but I do believe it’ll be for the best, and you’ll do an amazing job no matter what.

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