Welcome to the 75^th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed! This month’s theme is ENVY/JELOUSY.  Are you envious of friends, a coworker? Coping with jealousy in a relationship? Envious of where others are in their careers? Jealous of some imaginary self that made different choices? Let’s start by venting, but then, actually, work on practical ways to affirm ourselves, feel better, be better friends and partners and (hopefully) fix our problems — or at least try! Get those questions in by Tuesday, January 10th! Go! Do it! This will publish on the 20th!

The general Into the A+ Advice Boxes, like this one, where we take questions on practically any topic, publish on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

help! I am a bisexual person (don’t know if I’m a woman or nonbinary, or, gasp, a man!) who keeps falling for gay men!! but like, does not pass as a man! how do I stop this from happening it’s very painful for my heart and also I don’t want to fetishize queer men?? am I doing that?? ohgod ? should I find bi men to date?? but that would be weird and fetishizing! aaah

A:

Casey: Hello fellow bisexual! This sounds very frustrating to be constantly falling for people who are not a dating option!! I think there are a lot of bisexuals, including me, who can sympathize. I am curious, however, about why you think you are fetishizing gay men because you have had crushes on a bunch of them. Crushing on someone who isn’t interested in dating you because their orientation and your gender don’t match doesn’t mean you are fetishizing them. I don’t feel like I have enough info from you to say you’re definitely not, but if we look at what fetishizing someone means, it’s seeing or treating someone as a (sexual) object based on a specific part of them, like their sexual orientation or race. Maybe you need to do some introspection and think about what the nature of these crushes is and whether they fall into this territory. Do you have a close friend you could share this with and talk to, maybe someone who’s seen you interact with these crushes? I think an outside perspective might be helpful. It could be that you’re attracted to a type of queer masculinity that these guys have in common. That doesn’t mean you’re fetishizing them any more than anyone who has a preference for certain types of gender expression is.

As for how to stop this unfortunate situation, I am wondering how this keeps happening. Do you hang out with a lot of gay men as friends or in social situations? Do you have your online dating app set to include gay men? It might be a good idea to deliberately broaden your horizons either IRL or online. Do you have any bi+ friendships to nurture? Can you ask friends to set you up with some bi+ men they think you might like? Can you be upfront in an online dating profile about what types of gender expressions you’re interested in?

Re: finding bi men to date: I do not think deliberately seeking out the kinds of queer people you are interested in and who based on their orientations could be interested in you is fetishizing either! Especially as you aren’t sure about your own gender identity, seeking out bi+ people who date multiple genders seems like the right road to me. Plus, I hear a lot of bi people find it validating to date other bi people! And if you’re feeling particularly attracted to masculine people / men, seeking them out sounds to me like you know what you want and are acting on it, looking in a specific pool of people for someone who could be a good match for you. As long as you’re dating and crushing on specific human beings because of who they are as a person, you’re good!

Nico: Here to agree that as a bisexual person, I think there’s nothing wrong with wanting to exclusively date other queer people, and so therefore to only want to include bi/pan men in your dating pool. You have more in common! And if that’s who you’re attracted to as a bisexual person, that makes sense to me. Also, like, legit, as a nonbinary bisexual person, I’ve had crushes on gay men. That doesn’t mean they’d consider dating me (this is truly on a case by case basis as it is with every single person, right?), but like, I also don’t beat myself up for it. I’m just a queer human trying to survive on this planet and a crush is only a crush. I’ll leave you to Casey’s advice above re: gay men who are maybe only seeking cis man partners. There’s a possibility that you’re a trans gay man, and I am just here to say that that’s totally cool (and that this space is still here for you if you are!). And though none of us can determine that for you, I just wanted to send you some love as you consider your identity(ies) and figure things out. You’re doing great! And it is okay to crush on humans! Humans are cool! And crushworthy! It happens! The important thing is that you respect others’ boundaries (and your own). You’ve got this.

Q2:

Do any of you have advice on how to get involved in the queer community in LA? Reading AS is pretty much the extent of my queer community at the moment, so I would like to figure out how to find real-life pals, but I don’t know how to start. I’ve seen a lot of mentions on here about how the queer scene in LA is thriving / there’s so many events to go to / everyone knows everyone and their exes and their exes’s exes / etc. But I just feel totally on the outside of it all. Any tips?

A:

Sa’iyda: Hello fellow LA inhabitant! Despite what everyone says, it certainly does feel hard to cultivate a community of queers in our fair city. Personally, I struggle because I’m a mom and don’t have the time to go out. But it’s also hard because there isn’t one specific meeting place for queers in LA; it’s all pop-ups and events. If you don’t know where to look, you’ll never find it. Here are a few I’ve found through Instagram. Full disclaimer, I have not personally attended events put on by these groups, but they’re all followed by people who I trust, so they seem legit! Hopefully you can find some cool queer peeps!

Dana’s Night
Damn Good Dyke Nights
Queer Hike LA
Night Waves LA
Cherry Bomb WeHo
Queer Field Day

Q3:

Should I buy overalls? My style is low-effort femme. I don’t have kids yet but I will very soon and already kind of dress like a mom. Are overalls hip for this demographic? Are they worth $99 at LLBean? Help me, O Autostraddle Fashion Experts!

A:

Ro: I’m not a femme person, nor do I ever claim to be a fashion expert, but I am BIG SUPPORTER of femme folks (and, really, people of all gender expressions) rocking overalls. They’re comfortable, they have SO MANY POCKETS (a rare find if you wear “women’s” clothing), and in warm weather, they can be worn over a sports bra or binder, which is a hot look on anyone who wears bras or binders.

And I have great news for you: Some of our writers did a holiday gift exchange, and Drew got Kayla these glorious overalls from REI — and they look SO GOOD on her. They’re $89.95, which might seem like a steep price for bibs, but in my experience, REI-branded clothing lasts a long time (and if you’re an REI member, you can take advantage of their very liberal return policy if you’re not satisfied with your overalls).

Casey: As a fellow lazy femme who is also a new mom, I vote YES! Overalls look great and are so comfy, plus they’re like pants/shorts and a top in one if you don’t wear a shirt underneath. For having little ones around they will definitely come in handy, with the pockets and if you’re planning to carry a kid, they can accommodate a baby bump for a while and some changes in your size or weight. Imho, a steeper price tag can be worth it, because they are two items in one! I feel like depending on what you wear with them, or just how you present yourself, overalls can really go any way as far as gender expression goes. Ro already mentioned REI, so that’s one option. Another is Dovetail, which gives a special discount for A+ members and has super cute overalls made to last. They have ones with either long or short legs and lots of earthy colours. Plus they’re a women-owned company! Go rock your mom overalls look!

shea: I’m not femme, but I am a hardcore overall AND L.L. Bean fan. Of course, I agree with both Ro and Casey – overalls are exceptionally comfy and also just so practical. They are also very in right now (along with jumpsuits). I’ve never bought L.L. Bean overalls but if they are like anything else I’ve ever bought there, they’ll be designed to last forever and look good. I buy my overalls from Target which are much cheaper than $100. If you’re looking for a test-run, consider popping into the store (or online) for some cheap starter overalls to test the waters.

Sa’iyda: Another mom and overall lover here! Honestly, I’ve loved overalls for as long as I can remember; I definitely rocked them in high school in the early aughts. I don’t know exactly what kind of overalls you’re looking for, but I have several pairs from Old Navy and I love them. I’m 5’9”, and finding ones that are long enough is tough most places (also, cropped overalls are increasingly becoming a thing) but ON makes various lengths, so hopefully you can find what you’re looking for!

Vanessa: Ten outta ten YES to overalls! I just got this Carhartt pair (XXL, short) for Christmas and I am OBSESSED. They’re good for gardening, romping in the snow, chasing after children, walking the dog, throwing over a sports bra to look sexy, cooking, lounging… truly you cannot go wrong! (And the Carhartt ones are $70, not $99, and seem like really good quality fwiw.)

Q4:

Hi skincare gays! I was wondering if you had any recommendations for a gentle pimple patch. I’ve tried one from peach & lily but it made my pimples into little cuts like I’d popped them. I don’t think that’s good? I would probably use them once or twice a month, so not too stressed about money. Thanks!

A:

Meg: Hello! Generally I recommend patches just like the Peach & Lily ones, since they don’t have any ingredients in addition to the hydrocolloid material. (In general acne patches like this work best on blemishes that have a whitehead, since their purpose is to draw out any infection or fluid safely, and while the “little cuts” you describe are a bit confusing to me, ideally the patch flattens out the pimple and allows it to heal faster.) I swear by Corsx and Mighty Patch, both of which are very gentle on my sensitive, blemish-prone skin and available at major retailers like Amazon, Target, and Ulta.

Sa’iyda Hello hello! I love the Peace Out Salicylic Acid Acne Healing Dots. They’re very mild and they stick really well. They now have day dots, night dots, or just regular dots. I have been using them on and off for years, and they’re about $20 for a pack of 20, and if you’re not using them regularly, they can last quite a while!

Q5:

Hi – first of all, thank you all for offering this; I have a dilemma that’s been eating me up inside, and I don’t really have anyone I can turn to about it. I (F27) have been dating my partner (F26) for 2.5 years. We live together in New York, and we are wonderfully in love — she is by far one of the kinder people I’ve dated, emotionally intelligent, considerate etc., and we often profess our love for each other. However, she recently expressed to me: “I’m sad.” She feels very discouraged about her career, her direction in life, etc., and at her current job, she’s alone a lot, which makes her feel isolated; she says the people can be snooty and derisive; and the job is dead-end, whereas she wants a career & to grow. She’s thinking about moving back to California, where she’s from, for a job (if I go with her). At the same time, she has a community and friends here (NY) — she does improv, and she hangs out with them a lot. So she’s not exactly lonely. & She just stopped seeing the therapist I urged her to see because she felt the therapist wasn’t helpful, and she completely rejects my suggestions of antidepressants/medication (I’m on some), even though she sometimes takes my anti-anxiety medication & says it works wonders for her. It’s just breaking my heart to see & hear her be so sad. How do I help her? How do I do it without being codependent and “fixing” her life for her, which isn’t supposed to be my role? Is it crazy to move all the way to California with her (if it comes to that)? Should I try harder to get her to see a new therapist and/or psychiatrist? How do I stop feeling so bad for her & fixated on this? -AB

A:

Casey Hi AB! This sounds like such a tough situation for you and your partner. Looking at the series of questions you ask at the end of the letter, I think all of them are different ways of asking the same thing, except for “Is it crazy to move all the way to California with her?”

Let’s tackle that one first. I say: no, it’s not! If your partner wants to make a big move for a job they really want that they think will be good for them and you are committed to this person and are up for moving, if that feels like a good compromise to make for you, then it’s not unreasonable for you both to move together. Lots of couples do that! (My partner moved to a different city with me when I got a new job there because it was hard for me to get fulltime work where we were living before). This kind of move is something you’d need to have a big talk with your partner about, though, like where exactly in California? What will you do for work there, is it a good place for you to find work? What is the cost of living there? Does it suit your lifestyle/interests? Only the two of you together can decide if this move would work well for both of you. I think you would need to talk explicitly about your partner’s mental health and how / if this move will improve it. What if she gets a new job there and is still struggling? That to me is the big question you’d need to answer before making such a big life change. But the idea in and of itself is not “crazy.”

Okay, the other questions about your partner’s mental health. I know it is so so hard to see someone you love struggling. It sounds like you have already suggested different coping mechanisms, like therapy and medication. The thing is, you can’t make someone take action to help themselves unless they are willing to do it. That can be very frustrating. But you can’t force her. Offering suggestions and support is your role, and it sounds like you’re already doing that. It sounds like you are sharing with her your own struggles and how you cope. I think at this point you need to be honest with her about how her mental health is affecting you and your relationship and how worried you are about her. It sounds like it’s negatively affecting you when you say you’re fixated on it. Does she know you feel this way? Would she feel differently about being proactive about taking care of her mental health if she knew?

What about other people in her life she is close with? As her partner you are an important support and presence but you don’t have to do this alone! Do any of her family or friends know she’s struggling? Can they also offer help, suggestions, or support? Maybe hearing that a family member also takes anxiety medication would help her let go of the shame around taking medication. (I know it helped me!) Maybe a friend has a therapist they can recommend or they can share with your partner how therapy has helped them.

Good luck to you AB 💜💜

Anya I completely agree with everything Casey has said, and just wanted to add more because this question pulled on my heartstrings. Everyone’s different, of course, but I’ve found that most of the time, the best thing I can do for a loved one that is struggling is remind them how much I believe in them and love them exactly how they are, even if how they are, currently, is, well… “sad.”

When I’m feeling sad, and a loved one offers what they believe to be a solution, it can be very overwhelming and disheartening — it’s like, I can barely get myself to put on clothes, but you think I can do a whole HARD THING!? No way! However, when a loved one looks me in the eyes and tells me they believe in me, and knows I can do this, and loves me just as I am, then putting on clothes isn’t so hard. And after clothes comes the next big thing!

You’re right — your role isn’t to fix her. I would say that your biggest role, right now, is to cheerlead. It sounds like there are plenty of things you love about this person and think are amazing about her — think deeply about what those things are, and then tell her, tell her frequently, and tell her in different ways. She will ultimately be the one to pull herself out and/or through this, like Casey said. But the gift you can provide is assuring her that you believe, in your heart of hearts, that she can do it. Who knows, she might start to believe you. 💜

Q6:

I have what is maybe a weird/heavy question for you all. How do I deal with the constant anxiety and fear that something bad will happen to myself or my loved ones? For context, I used to be kind of a misanthrope who didn’t really care about my own wellbeing. I was miserable, single, directionless, and not really invested in my life. The pandemic really shocked me out of some destructive patterns and I finally started therapy to undo some of those bad habits. I met someone I love deeply and who loves me, and I feel more secure in my community and career than ever. So why is my brain sabotaging me by making me think about all the worst things that could happen to everyone I love all the time? I know I should probably see a therapist again, I just moved so I had to stop seeing my old one. But in the mean time, do you all have any advice for how to reduce anxiety and make some peace with the uncertainty of the universe? It just feels like everything in the world/my brain is activating my fight or flight impulse 24/7 and I can’t live like this.

A:

Ro: I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can relate. I have OCD, and for me, that mostly manifests in the form of intrusive thoughts and rumination on worst case scenarios. It really sucks! Here are three things that have helped me manage my anxiety in addition to therapy:

1. I move my body. For me, that looks like going for a daily walk outside, no matter what the weather is doing. Movement really calms me down (it also helps with my focus and sleep!). If that’s something you can do, even in a small way (like stretching), give it a shot.

2. Instead of fearing my “worst case scenarios,” I walk through those scenarios and get to their conclusions (this was something I was instructed to do by a former therapist). While I do this, I remind myself of all the challenges I’ve already faced in life. I tell myself that I got through those experiences, so I could probably get through [whatever experience I’m worried about]. And yes, it will be hard, but I’ll get to the other side of it in the same way I’ve gotten to the other side of every other hardship. Sometimes I write out the worst case scenarios, and sometimes I just go through them in my head. If you choose to try this out, I strongly suggest doing this under the guidance of a therapist, since this exercise might have the opposite effect and make you more anxious. In my case, it helps me get those thoughts out of my head and body.

3. I write a daily gratitude list. I know it probably sounds corny, but I swear — this shit works. Writing a gratitude list is a great way to start the morning or end the night, and it can be fun to share it with a friend or partner, too.

A note on medication: Many people in my life take medication for similar symptoms. It works wonders for some of them, and there’s absolutely no shame in seeking that out (under the guidance of a doctor or psychiatrist) if you think it could benefit you. Sometimes people need to take medication in order to get to a place where they’re able to do things like go for walks or write gratitude lists or just, you know, function. That’s okay! That’s why those medications exist.

I believe in you and I hope you get the support you need.

Casey: Like Ro, I can really relate to this as someone with anxiety. You are not alone! I want to second Ro’s recommendation for moving your body. Other than medication, exercise has been the best tool for keeping my anxiety in check. For me what works the best is something where I am really exerting myself and getting my heart rate up, like the elliptical at the YMCA in the winter or hiking / running / fast walking when the weather is nice. Find an activity that you actually enjoy (and/or something you can do while listening to podcasts/music/an audiobook that makes it enjoyable), that way you’re much more likely to stick to it.

Ro mentioned that they do walks outside and I think going outside can really be beneficial, even if it’s not for movement or exercise. Sitting or walking slowly in a park or nature or even your backyard if you have one can be really soothing. I play a game in my head sometime where I just look around at everything me and pretend I have to describe everything to someone who’s never been to planet earth before. It give your brain something to focus on that keeps you in the moment.

Other stuff: consider cutting out caffeine, especially if you’re currently drinking coffee regularly. When my anxiety is roaring I don’t even drink green tea or eat chocolate, because I find even a bit if caffeine can really aggravate it.

Yoga and/or guided meditations really help me too. I use a local yoga studio so I don’t have online recommendations but I know there are some good body-positive, queer, feminist, and Brown yoga teachers that do videos, maybe someone else has suggestions if googling doesn’t bring up good results. If you google guided meditation queer, there is a bunch of good looking stuff on YouTube. I used to use the headspace app but I just do my own thing now after learning what types of meditation work for me.

One last thing: have you tried ASMR audio or videos? I find some of them very calming, but everyone seems to have a different preference for what type of ASMR they like. Personally, I usually listen to / watch Gentle Whispering ASMR.

Q7:

Hello hello I have a style question! Do any of you lovely humans have advice about where to find masc-of-center clothes for petite people? I feel like I have tried so many places people recommend and the proportions are consistently wrong for me, especially for button-ups and the like. But if I seek out petite sizes, I feel like the options get a lot more femme. Do I just need to keep going with the trial and error? Do I shop in the boys section and hope things fit my hips? Do I get famous and just have my clothes tailor-made? I realize there is no magic answer but I’d love to hear any suggestions you all might have.

A:

Ro: Hello! Fellow “little-buddy-sized” masc here. Here’s what works for me: I usually buy clothes that are labeled “Young Mens” or “Big Boys” (lol). I used to feel ridiculous shopping for kids’ clothes, but they fit me — and there are actually some pretty solid options out there! I swear it’s not all Paw Patrol T-shirts (but if you want a Paw Patrol T-shirt, by all means, go for it!).

Shopping in the kids section isn’t going to work for every person’s body, since we’re all built differently, so I’ll give you some more context for my specific meatsuit. I’m 5’2,” I wear straight sizes, I have small-ish boobs, and I’m not that curvy on my bottom half (but I do have a somewhat significant ass when compared to the rest of bod). My ass is definitely my biggest issue when I’m buying “boys” pants. I’ve found that Old Navy “Big Boys” pants and American Eagle “Young Men’s” pants tend to have a little more room in the butt/hip/thigh area, so those usually work for me. I like to get them at thrift stores when I can because A) thrifted pants have already been washed and stretched out, so I know how they’re going to fit me long-term; and B) I’m not giving my money to fast fashion. Hooray!

If you think “boys/young men’s” pants might work for you, look for pants with stretch, especially if you’re shopping for jeans, since they can more comfortably accommodate asses, hips, and thighs; or look for pants that are labeled “husky,” since those will have more room all around. When it comes to non-stretchy pants or pants from other brands, I usually have to wear pants that are a little too big in the waist in order to accommodate the booty. I don’t mind my waistband being a little loose, but if that’s a problem for you, a tailor is your friend! Tailors can also help you make your pants shorter if the legs are too long, and they can shorten the sleeves and take in the collars of button-up shirts, which makes a HUGE difference. I know the idea of taking clothes to a tailor might sound intimidating, but depending on what you’re getting done, it probably won’t be as expensive as you think (and if you end up thrifting your clothes or getting them on sale, you’re going to have more wiggle room in your clothes-shopping budget anyway). Check with other folks in your area to find a tailor who’s LGBTQ-friendly.

I’m not a big button-up shirt person because I’m honestly kind of a dirtbag most of the time, but when I decide to get fancy, tailoring men’s shirts has been my best option — but sometimes I don’t have to get them tailored at all (having broader shoulders helps me out in this area). I usually buy XS men’s shirts, and my best thrifted men’s button-ups have come from TopMan and Express. Most of my flannels from the “boys” department at various stores (some are a “boys” size XL and some are XXL). If you end up shopping in the “boys” section and have a hard time finding shirts that have room for your hips, look for “husky” options.

I don’t wear true T-shirts that often. “Men’s” T-shirts are usually too big on me, and “boys” T-shirts are usually too tight across my boobs. Most of my comfy/casual shirts are tank tops and loose sleeveless T’s, since they fit more comfortably and don’t accentuate my chest, which is my preference.. Lately, I’ve been curious about the trans-owned company Both& apparel (which you can find in the A+ discount marketplace). They sell T-shirts that are specifically designed to accommodate chests without accentuating them, and they have XS size options. Their stuff is pricey, but it looks like it’s worth it (at the very least, check out their website for the masc eye candy — the models are babes!). Also, if you’re an A+ member, you get a discount!!

Tl;dr — Don’t be afraid to venture into the boys section! When in doubt, thrift stuff and get it tailored!

Nico: Alright so I talked to the 5’2″ masc-of-center gal of my dreams (my partner) and she had some tips. You also mentioned having a frame with hips and so does she (she gave me permission to say so), so I think that actually some of the fits may be similar? If we’re lucky? You can see photos of Sadie in this interview. Okay, the tips are:

• View this as a long-term project. It may take 3-5 years to build a robust closet, especially on a budget.
• Consider starting with a haircut and a pair of shoes you love, that make you feel like you and like your best MOC self and build from there.
• Shop sales: buy summer clothes in September and winter clothes in March. (Unless you are treating yourself to something you think will sell out like a limited edition pattern or something one-of-a-kind / vintage, you get it). Clothes are always cheapest at the end of the season. I’d recommend trying to develop a YOU style that outlasts the whims of fashion trends, and instead is something you can invest in and carry with you over the years, just because it takes some energy to put together this kind of wardrobe and why spend that time just for you to want entirely different clothes a year from now?
• If you find something that fits you, it might just be worth it to get it in several colors because you don’t know when you might next get lucky! It could be a while honestly because petite sizes are still harder to come by for masc clothing.
• Once you know what fits you, ebay is, in general, a great resource. Sadie, for example, knows her sizes for Banana Republic sweaters and that they look good on her. But they’re expensive, so she trolls ebay for them instead. If you want to go the ebay route, you could go to a mall and try on clothes at various stores, note down the brands and sizes in each brand that you like, and then routinely check ebay and other thrift sites for items in these sizes. Knowing your size in certain brands and which ones you favor will help you effectively shop second hand.
• For basics, Old Navy carries “curved hem” henleys that look pretty good on. Try to catch them when they’re having a sale, which is often. They may even still be on sale. Here’s a tee shirt pack so you can see what I am talking about. In men’s, Sadie takes an XS from Old Navy. Curved hems or “scoop bottom” shirts de-emphasize the hips. Magic!
  American Apparel is also a good brand for petite masc basics. You may be able to find some things on ebay.
• Sadie also got some (deeply on sale) Androgynous Fox shirts for Christmas and she attests they fit well and the construction is solid. Of the purveyors of the sort of like “this is clothing for queer people” masc of center clothing, they seem to be one of the most reasonably priced and they also have frequent clearance sales.
• Dapper Boi’s “intro pricing” pricing is essentially like a kind of crowdfunded model for clothing production. You pre-purchase clothing that is not yet made, at a discount, and when they reach their funding goal, the clothes go into production. Again, these are investment pieces. It’s not like you can pick up a ton at once, but their fits are pretty solid!

Q8:

I’m a 33 year old bisexual woman who was raised in a conservative Christian home. I’ve only publicly dated men. It would strain my relationship with my family and shame them if I dated a woman. But a few years ago, I fell in love with a woman. Her tenderness and thoughtfulness moved me in a way no one has before. We connected on all levels. But we agreed to part ways because she was married and I needed to deal with my internal homophobia. We hadn’t spoken in 2 years when recently she reached out to me again. My heart has been a mess since. It was so strange because the same week she reached out, I had written her a letter that I never actually sent. Obviously, we both still think about each other. I told her I was working on myself, but wasn’t where I wanted to be for her. I feel like I will struggle to be “out” in my family. I’m searching for an LGBTQIA+ affirming church and trying to reconcile my sexuality with my faith. She said she’s not where she wants to be either. Turns out, she never divorced her husband. We caught up and then said we shouldn’t speak again. We both are seeing therapists. I desperately want to be in her life, but I feel it’s something I have to flip off since she’s married. And I need to work on being emotionally fulfilled apart from a human. I want to spend this year coming to grips with my orientation. I want to heal from purity culture and church trauma. And I want to transform into a healthy, generous, proud bisexual lover. Any advice or book/podcast recommendations would be much appreciated. It’s a daily struggle not to contact her, but I know we cannot be together at this time. Or maybe ever.

A:

Meg: Oh friend, this sounds like a lot of things all at once, and I really feel for you. There are a few different struggles here to my mind, so I want to try to break them down into bite-sized pieces and address them one by one.

First, I know what it’s like to be raised in a Christian home that isn’t affirming of your queerness, autonomy, or agency, and I am sending you so much love through the internet right now! I’m really glad that you’ve found a therapist you’re sticking with, as that is such a valuable tool to have in your pocket. There are a lot of different types of resources to explore, including memoirs and personal essays, research-focused books, songs and other media, as well as tools for healing and recovery. I find personal stories to be incredibly affirming, even when they also activate memories or intense feelings, but you may prefer to dive deep into history or cultural context first. Check out these book lists on evangelicalism and purity culture for specific recommendations.

You mention that it feels like it will be a struggle for you to be out to your family, and that it would shame them for you to date a woman. For so many of us that were raised in purity culture, in families and churches that weren’t safe for queer folks, this is an extremely real thing – and I just want to affirm that you do not have to come out to your family if it doesn’t feel good or okay. Whether you choose to share this part of yourself with your natal family or not, I do encourage you to work to find some other queer folks that you can be yourself with, if you haven’t done so already. Everyone is different, but I know that for me, finding queer exangelicals who understood how I had been raised and had dealt with similar struggles was an absolute gamechanger, particularly in terms of learning to accept and love myself.

The second piece of your question is a bit more complicated. If you feel that you cannot be in contact with this person without wanting to be in a romantic relationship with her, due to her marriage or other circumstances, then I agree that staying out of her life is the best way for you to heal and come to terms with your own identity separate from a complicated romantic relationship. But I don’t think that just because she’s married, you can’t be in her life at all. Having queer friends, especially when our natal families don’t feel safe, can be an intensely valuable thing, but there isn’t a prerequisite to be perfect or completely healed before you can establish and build those relationships. Is it just too hard for you to be around her because you’re in love with her? Or do you feel like you can’t be in her life until you’ve got every issue sorted out for yourself, until your life is completely perfect first?

I say this with all of the love and compassion in the world: the thing about religious trauma is that it’s not something you will ever completely just get over. You can absolutely acknowledge your trauma, you can show yourself kindness and compassion, you can learn coping mechanisms, you can unpack shame, you can build community, you can even fall in love with yourself, but trauma doesn’t simply evaporate after we do a magical amount of therapy or reading or coming out. Instead it’s something that we learn to understand and forgive ourselves for, something that we accept about our past and our internal workings. And you absolutely deserve to have love, support, friendship, and community around you, no matter where in that journey you are, no matter how long the healing process takes.

I agree that building a life that you love, with friends and community that love you for who you are, is something that you need to do for yourself, rather than for a partner or lover. You deserve a full and love-filled love, to be able to be your most authentic self without shame or fear or judgement. I sincerely hope that you can give yourself that gift, because you really do get to be happy, no matter how long it takes or what that happiness looks like. I believe in you.

Q9:

My partner deeply betrayed my trust in a way I did not see coming. I love them deeply, and up until recently I felt very sure that they loved me just as much. I want to move through this with love, grace, and compassion, but it’s difficult— I’ve never been in a relationship where both myself and my partner had the self-awareness and communication skills to be vulnerable with each other and talk through conflict, and I have never been in a long committed relationship for something as big as this to come up. I am fighting the small urge to just say fuck it and run, but I know that conflict and being triggered is inevitable in any relationship and I am invested in this one. They have genuinely apologized and want to continue to process it together but still I feel hurt and upset. How can we begin to rebuild trust? How do I know when a wound is too big to repair? thanks for your help xo

A:

shea First off, I’m sorry you’re hurting. Having your trust betrayed never feels good and it’s especially terrible when it’s someone that you love dearly. Moving through this (both by yourself and with your partner) won’t be easy, but it sounds like your relationship has a solid foundation that might make it a little bit easier to navigate. Being in healthy long committed relationships necessitates good communication, honesty, and trust. Since trust has been broken, you’ll have to rely on honesty and communication as you try to work this out in your relationship. You have two choices — try to work through it or leave. Only your gut/heart can tell you when a wound is too big to repair. It’s totally subjective. What may be complete deal breakers for some might seem like small things to others. Your partner has apologized but apologies don’t make hurt go away. Sure it’s nice, but you’re allowed to still feel angry, violated, or hurt. My suggestion is to communicate this with your partner and then think (on your own) what you might need in the relationship to process this — is it space? Therapy? Continued talking through it together? Boxing lessons? Whatever it is — it’ll be important to articulate it to yourself and your partner. Don’t let your partner rush your healing and processing. This is no small thing to you so don’t let others’ minimize it. Above all, just do what’s most helpful to you. Ending things over something like this sucks, but staying in a partnership where you never feel quite safe (or like you can trust the person) sucks even more.

Q10:

What do you do when someone doesn’t want you to have sex with someone else? It’s a 3 person relationship, and one person only wants us all to have sex together and not one on one. I’ve so far been okay with this, but I’m not feeling so good about it anymore. The other person feels neutral about it more or less. When you have two people and one person doesn’t want to have sex, you don’t have sex. But when you have three people and one person doesn’t want the other two to have sex with each other, what do you do? It feels kind of controlling (not out of maliciousness). But then I also feel like I’d be disregarding their comfort if I told them I wasn’t okay with it?

A:

Ro: I want to highlight this part of your question: “I also feel like I’d be disregarding their comfort if I told them I wasn’t okay with it.” In any relationship, regardless of its structure, you are allowed to say you’re not okay with something, that it makes you uncomfortable, or that it doesn’t work for you — yes, even if one of your partners has expressed an opposing need. Everyone has to be honest in order to fully talk through an issue and (ideally) reach a compromise, and it sounds like you haven’t been upfront about your feelings yet. So bring up your concern with your partners! Revisiting relationship agreements is normal and healthy, and even though managing opposing feelings can be uncomfortable, setting a standard of transparency and honesty is so, so important — otherwise, you’ll be seething with resentment. That’s a recipe for conflict and dissatisfaction, and it’s not fair to you or your partners.

Casey: I fully agree with Ro here! As time goes on and this relationship continues, this issue is only going to keep coming up. And if the three of you don’t agree on what your parameters for intimacy and sex are, then maybe this relationship is not the right fit for you. There’s nothing wrong with this partner expressing their preference that the three of you only have sex together. But you are equally entitled to your wants and preferences, and if you don’t want to only have sex as a threesome, you need to tell your partners. One person in a relationship does not get to dictate how the relationship works for everyone and a relationship that functions like that is not healthy!

Q11:

I am in an open relationship and really like group sex. I always assumed my partner C did not. About a year ago, C told me that they were going to hang with someone else they are seeing, S, and another of her partners to see a concert in part because she wanted them to have a threesome after. I said “I didn’t know you were into group things! [Couple I’m seeing] have expressed interest in having you join us, but I assumed you weren’t into it!” C said “I don’t think I am going to do it and I’m not into S’s guy, but I want to hang out at the concert”. BUT THEN C HAD THE THREESOME. C said they did not really enjoy it since they weren’t into the guy. At the time, I asked if they felt safe in the relationship since they had told me they weren’t going to do it beforehand and then confirmed they weren’t into the guy in the moment, and they said they did but also wanted to seem “cool and fun and sexy” in the moment. When I asked why they didn’t want that with me, they said they felt more comfortable telling me “no”. C has continued to see this person regularly and afaik has not had any other sex that they didn’t want with her, but it still bothers me that they felt they couldn’t say “no” in the moment and I refer to her as “their abuser” in my head. How can I tell if I’m (still) just being jealous or if my concern is legit? If jealous, how do fix my mind patterns?

A:

Casey: Hi friend! From what you’ve shared with us, it doesn’t seem to me like the issue here is jealousy. It sounds like you are concerned about your partner and their well-being and are wondering if another of their relationships is healthy. I agree that it is concerning that C expressed that they are not comfortable saying no to the person S they are dating and that they had a threesome with S and her partner that they had expressed they were not interested in. Like so many of the questions we are sent here for A+ advice, I think the only answer here is that you have to have an honest conversation with your partner! It sounds like you had an initial conversation about S and what happened, but the situation is clearly still bothering you. If you are thinking of S as C’s abuser, that seems pretty serious and I think you owe it to C to bring this up. Time to talk about it again! I would focus on yourself, how you are feeling, and your concerns. Tell C that you are thinking of their well-being and are worried about them not feeling comfortable saying no to sex with S. Remind C that you know they said they felt safe in the relationship but that to you not saying “no” in order to seem ‘cool and sexy and fun’ is a red flag. It’s probably a good idea to remind yourself that because this is C’s relationship and not yours, ultimately the decision to keep seeing S or not is up to them. Your place is not to say “you have to break up with them,” but to express your concerns and listen to what C has to say. Good luck friend!

Q12:

I’m in my early-mid 30s and don’t know what I want to do with my career. I have a BA and MFA in theatre and have juggled a mildly success theatre career as a writer and producer for a decade alongside a day job that I have grown in and moderately enjoy. My day job has evolved into a career, and I both want to continue to climb that ladder (though I’ve reached the ceiling at my current company) and work on my theatre art, which is becoming increasingly more difficult to juggle due to time, energy, and my frustration with the toxicity of the theatre world (but that’s another story). My day career is in an industry I could take or leave, and I have a ton of experience and transferrable skills in both my day career and theatre, but with no direction. I’ve considered taking a total 180 and going back to school to become a social worker, but my heart isn’t in it to re-start my career, and I can’t stop thinking about my timeline of other big life events I anticipate in the next 5ish years (wedding, kids, moving across the country) and how school will affect that. I feel like I have 525,600 career possibilities because I have so many varied interests, and also zero because I’m not getting any job interviews, which I think is related to my lack of expertise in any field. How do I narrow down what my career options are? I spent a lot of money on a career coach who was not very helpful, and since money is tight these days, I’m hoping to do this without the help of a fancy professional. In summary, the balancing act of art & career is getting harder and less enticing, and the career part is leaving me stumped.

A:

Sa’iyda Oh friend, I get where you’re at. Theatre is a brutal industry to try to make and maintain in a living in long term. I have a theatre degree and I made it a year post grad before I gave up and everytime I think about going back, it makes me feel clammy. I also understand the frustration of trying to figure out what that pivot looks like for you. First of all, if you have other big life plans, the financial and time burden of going back to school for something completely different would probably cause more stress and anxiety. There are definitely ways to parlay your existing skills into a new job, sit down and make a list of your passions, take stock of what you can do with those passions. Don’t just throw stuff at the wall and see what sticks, try to be intentional with the pivots you’re making. Honestly? It may take a while to find one. I’ve been applying for jobs since August to no avail, similarly because I don’t have “enough” experience, even though I know I’m fully capable of doing the job. It’s easy to fall into the thought process that things will never happen, but you will find something. Good luck!

Q13

I was trawling through the A+ advice box, and I read the good advice, “If you can find happiness within yourself and can rely on support from a variety of sources outside of your relationship (your friends, your family, a therapist), then the idea of going through a breakup probably won’t feel so catastrophic.”

But argh, I am a rape survivor and this doesn’t feel true for me, although I wish it did! I’ve worked really hard to build a good, fulfilling life, and over the past year or so have been feeling okay with the idea of never even having a romantic or sexual relationship again. I have friendships, support networks, goals, cats. And yet I recently (about a month ago) started seeing someone who seems great and safe, and while on one hand I’m interested in taking things to the next level, the idea of hurt and heartbreak if/when the relationship ends is still so fucking terrifying that a big part of my brain thinks it would be more sensible to just stop now before the amplitude of the potential pain gets too great.

Like, past traumas and even non-traumatic hurts have fucked me up so much that I couldn’t even ENJOY what was good about my life. So it feels like having a good life is actually a reason not to even try with someone, because if I don’t NEEEED to, why would I risk it?

Maybe my existential question is, when you’re living with significant sexual trauma, is the risk of pain and heartbreak in relationships actually worth it, though? Like IS it? Bleah.

A:

Nico:Whooo okay. So, hey there. I’m a fellow rape survivor and sending you tons of love. So! First, I want to say that it sounds like you’re doing pretty well. Congrats on the work you’ve put in and the life you’ve built for yourself.

One tough thing that I’ve learned is that…sometimes the only way to do the bulk of the work of facing a trauma is to go through those situations that bring up trauma, during which, things might get messy, and during which, you will need to utilize coping strategies you already have in your arsenal and also develop new coping strategies. I definitely recommend seeking out therapy, if you can, during this time period, or using self-help style workbooks to check in with yourself. Here’s an article by Christina Tesoro on sex therapy, which may be something you want to look into (or not).

I’m going to use a different example of trauma to walk through what this might look like. For example: if there is a couple where one or both partners were in an abusive relationship that escalated when they moved in with the abusive partner, then the next time the survivor moves in with a partner, no matter how much therapy and work they did in the elapsed time where they were not living with a partner, trauma could surface when the move-in actually happens. This might look like bodily responses (raised heartbeat, tenseness, irritability, trouble sleeping, any anxiety responses that are typical), this could lead to fights or reactions to small things that seem overblown considering the current circumstances. But the thing is, these reactions are, almost like there are thin layers of transparencies through time layering on top of the current situation. The traumatized person’s brain and body are reacting not just to current stimuli, but to the past as well. And so the trauma response is to past events that are being brought up by current (non-threatening) circumstances. (aka a trigger) I do think that with the help of a therapist and by paying attention to one’s body and working through moments where one is triggered, and finally, with open communication with a partner (who can’t be responsible for not activating these triggers, but who can work with the survivor partner to offer space or comfort or a listening ear), that it’s possible to move past this. So, the first few months of move-in might be rocky, but if both partners take a proactive approach to understanding that there is trauma to work through, then I do think that the survivor partner can go on to feel safe and enjoy living with their current non-abusive partner.

Now, back to your situation and the specific fear of breaking up. I’m not going to lie and say that this isn’t rough, but it is surmountable. I am honestly saying that, like, if you go through a breakup in this relationship then it is going to be an opportunity to do work around your trauma and to deal with what comes up during that time so that either A) You don’t break up and you work through your fear of it and get to move into deeper intimacy in your relationship and/or B) you do break up and the NEXT time, it’s easier. Similarly, taking the relationship “to the next level” (by which I am assuming you mean some kind of commitment or spending time together) might be hard, and it might be especially difficult this time, but it’s kind of a situation where you do legitimately have the option to never, ever try or to try, possibly have some failings, but ultimately, maybe, get something more from it!

I mean, to be honest, it sounds like you have a fulfilling life outside of any romantic relationships, so if a breakup DOES happen, you know that you have that as a base for your life, that your life outside of a relationship is good. That’s really ideal! When you consider what you’re bringing to a partnership, it sounds like you are bringing a person who has a number of interests and some serious independent friendships, and that’s really cool.

I found this article from Refinery29 and the experts therein put so much of this more eloquently. One expert said, “Harm happens in a relationship. So it makes sense that our healing and our recovery is going to happen in a relationship,” and yep. I think it’s, for better or for worse, really true. So, I know it’s weird to think that in one part of your life you could be super comfortable and then introducing the idea of dating sends up all these panicky flares, but that is in fact how trauma seems to work in my (and apparently, others’) experience. And that’s okay!

The crux of your question is like “is it worth it” or “will it even be okay” or a “how do I handle this fear” and I think it might be good to spend some meditative time holding both your excitement about this person and relationship in one hand and your fear and anxiety in the other and recognize that as a survivor, you can contain both and that even though you are feeling fear, if you want, you can do the thing anyway.

On the other hand, you might indeed not want to pursue intimacy with someone else. You might not be ready for that now, or ever. And that is also okay. There’s more to life, as you’ve seen. But I do think that there is hope that you can heal within the context of a relationship if you and the other person are willing to face some rough patches together, and here, yeah, this is where your support network really does come in, too.

I can’t tell you whether or not it’s worth it for you because you are the only person who can determine that. But I do hope that I was able to offer some different ways of looking at the situation and considering how dealing with trauma from within a relationship might play out. I am sending you so much love, and wishing you tons of luck, whatever you choose!

Q14:

Dear queers,
I’m a 40yo non-monogamous NB person, I have a nesting partner and other friends / loves.
A few months ago one of my friendships turned into something romantic/sexual. I’ve fancied this person for a long time and I was over the moon !
We’re long distance so we haven’t been able to meet since our relationship became romantic/sexual (we had tons of online sex though, which is great).
2 weeks later I got covid and developed long covid. I’ve been unable to sit, stand or do any intellectual effort for months now.
At first we continued to talk online daily. Then over time it rarefied. Now I’m the only one restarting the conversation or sending spontaneous messages. Their answers became rarer and more “void” too (platitudes). I know this person is going through a rough time work-wise / mental health-wise but they don’t open much so I don’t know if they need or appreciate my words or if they’d rather be left alone.
I don’t need this person for support but I miss them a lot.
Also, I’m autistic so I have a hard time reading between the lines. I have no idea if this person is ghosting me and no longer wants a relationship or if they have too much to deal with atm.
I’ve refrained from messaging them lately to leave them space.
My question is : should I just stop messaging them at all, or should I send them a message on the lines of “Hey, you’ve been very silent lately, are we still in this together ?”
I would usually prefer the later because I’m all for clarity and communication but I don’t want to sound demanding if this person is going through a hard time.
What do you think ?

A:

Ro: First, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with long COVID. I hope you’re getting the care you need in order to recover (and if you need some queer long COVID solidarity and hope, I highly recommend checking out Heather Hogan’s work on our website and following her on Twitter at @theheatherhogan).

Okay, onto your relationship question. I think your instincts are correct. The only way to know if your LDR partner is still romantically into you is to ASK! Asking a question (“I’ve noticed you’ve been a little quiet — is our relationship still working for you? Can you tell me what you need?”) isn’t “demanding.” It’s just a question, and as someone who’s in a relationship with this person, you deserve an answer. It might not be an answer you like, but at least you’ll know if it’s time to move on.
 And if they still want to date you and they’re just going through a hard time, asking questions gives them an opportunity to tell you how you can support them.

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