Welcome to the 7th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. We’re doing this column bi-monthly.
We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!
Q1.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for over a year and a half. For the most part things are really good. She’s become my best friend. She’s so sweet, kind, supportive, and smart. The main problem is, I can’t stop comparing myself to her. We go to the same college and while I am doing well, she seems to be doing better. This has led me to be unable to celebrate my accomplishments or hers, because mine seem to pale in comparison to hers and her accomplishments make me jealous. I also think she has closer friends than I do, does more interesting activities than I do, etc. All of this has led to me frequently being anxious, moody, jealous, and not the best partner I can be. I’m worried this will break us up. I have been trying to stop, but I just can’t seem to. Please help!
A.
Molly: Hey buddy, whew, let’s start this off by taking a big ol’ breath in and out, giving our bods the signal it’s ok to chill out for a second. I’ve been in your situation before, with a partner I thought was cooler and hotter and thinner and better than me, like I was lucky to be with her, I’m so out of my league, etc. And while she was most of those things (probably still is, hey girl), her existing had nothing to do with how I exist.
I know that sounds simple, but our feelings and goals and self-worth our are own. No one else can tell us we’re better than we think we are, because we have to believe it to truly be able to tap into that power. There’s a really good chance you’re doing better than you think, that your brain is lying to you about how you should perceive your value and worth. What are the things about you that you love? What are the things about you that no one else has? You are exactly who you are, and now your goal is to start being more gentle with yourself and accept the fact that you have to love your own self first. No one else can love you like you can. Also, because I’m human and have jealousies and envies, I like to remember what my therapist told me: Comparison is the thief of joy. Celebrate your partner’s attributes, make goals for yourself, and remember, the person you think is incredible and better than you? She’s with you for a reason.
Kayla: This kind of jealousy within a relationship doesn’t get talked about a lot, so first of all, thank you for being honest about this! I am embarrassed to admit that I used to think I could never be intimately involved with another writer because I thought I would make me too competitive and jealous if they started doing better. In practice, I have not found this to be the case, but I still understand the tendency to compare yourself to your partner. But remember: Comparing yourself to anyone else is never really that useful. It’s not going to necessarily make you more ambitious or make it any easier to reach the goals you’ve set for yourself. In fact, you’ll end up getting in your own way! Setting goals should be for you, not for anyone else. I agree with Molly that you’re probably doing better than you’re telling yourself you are, because jealousy skews our perception of things.
Q2.
My best friend just told me she likes me??????? And like, I don’t think I like her like that. What do I do! I’m freaking out here.
A.
Heather: I think it speaks highly of you that you’re freaking out a little bit because it means you care about your friend and your friendship and don’t want to hurt either of those things; otherwise, you’d have just been like, “Ha! What? No.” I think gentle honesty is the best thing you can do for someone in situations like this. Reaffirm that you care about them and think they’re rad as all heck and that you want to continue to have a good friendship for them. Your friend was brave for telling you that, which means they’re probably brave enough to give you an honest answer if you ask them what they’d like things to look like from your friendship in the immediate future. Do they still want to hang out? Do they need some space? Do they want to hang out but feel a little insecure and so it would help them if you initiate the hanging out for a little while? The worst possible thing to do is try to make it work, even if you’re not into it, to keep your friend from getting hurt. That’s a recipe for inevitably worse hurt. Be kind and be honest; that’s almost always the best advice.
Valerie Anne: Hoo boi, that’s a tough one. I’ve been there! It sucks! But like Heather said, open communication is the best way to tackle this; in fact, take all of Heather’s advice. I can only offer you the comfort of knowing that a friendship can survive a gentle rejection. I have the receipts.
Q3.
I’m a high femme and I think I might also be non-binary. Maybe. Is that allowed?
A.
Carolyn: IT SURE IS. Sometimes it can feel like “non-binary” and “masc” are synonymous, but that’s definitely not the case and comes from a culture in which femininity is perpetually undervalued. s.e. smith has two posts that do a good job of talking about non-binary femme erasure and a few types of non-binary femme identities. And if you haven’t read it yet, check out the “What We Mean When We Say Femme” roundtable, in which there are a few non-binary femmes talking about their identities.
Alexis: Five hundred resounding yeses is the answer I’m going with here. As Mal Blum recently reminded us: “You are the expert of your own trans experience.” Even if you don’t claim trans, I think that generally goes for any part of your identity gender-wise, you’re the expert of your own experience and we believe you and you’re true and we’re just glad to have you here.
Al(aina): Yes nonbinary femmes are here and we are real it’s totally allowed. High femme aesthetics are gender neutral.
Carmen: YEPPPP! I agree with everyone, and just here as a femme to show another femme some solidarity and support. You got this, babe.
Q4.
How in the heck do I stop overcommitting myself? Currently I am the president of my sorority, the president of the LGBTQ organization on my campus, attempting to plan my city’s first pride festival, working three jobs, and taking four upper level biology courses. And like, I’m dying. It’s only the second week of the semester! I barely have time to sleep anymore, let alone do anything I enjoy. I just can’t stop saying yes to everything because I want to do it all! I know I shouldn’t try to do it all, but I want to and that’s making life hard.
A.
Heather: Whooo boi. I did a course with a life/career coach last year and she made me sit down and write out a time budget and it was one of the most eye-opening things that has ever happened to me. We started with the necessities, like a real money budget. Sleeping, eating, showering, etc. Then the self-care things I needed to do. Exercise, meditation, etc. Then the relationship things I needed to do: looking at Stacy’s face with my face and talking, sex, date nights, etc. Then I subtracted those hours from the total number of hours in the day and that’s how much time I had to commit to work. So then every single task at work, I asked myself how long it would take and figured out if that would fit into my work hours budget for the week (and also asked myself if spending that amount of my work hours budget was likely to get me closer to my main goals), and then I decided whether or not I could say yes or no. That’s an extreme way to manage your time, but I am a workaholic people pleaser; I needed a real intervention! (It worked. I’m more productive and healthier — mentally and physically — and my relationship is stronger than ever.)
Valerie Anne: I have been known to overcommit and overpromise, too. It’s hard to say no when you care about so much! For me it was important to remind myself that overcommitting doesn’t actually help anyone in the long run. I’m better help to some if I’m not spreading myself too thin. If you’re committed to 10 projects but can’t sleep you’re only going to be mildly helpful to 10 projects, but if you commit to 5 and have the time and energy to really devote to them while also taking care of yourself, you’re going to be SUPER helpful to all five. So it’s actually MORE helpful to say no sometimes.
Q5.
My friend and I met 10 years ago in high school. We were 15 and we were each other’s world. I went off to college for two years, came home, we both had changed. After about a year and a half, I made my first attempt to break off our friendship. This did not work. I tried again earlier this year and now I want to try again for very different reasons. My question is, should I do this? Here’s some extra info:
Jenna (not real name) is brilliant, but she’s somehow fallen deeply deeply into conspiracy theories. She has rapidly (I’d say in about 4 months) become an anti-semitic, homophobic/transphobic, patriarchy loving woman. I have my own theories as to what happened, but I don’t know if the reasons even matter anymore. I want to move on with my life without her in it. I’m gay and she thinks it’s the influence of satan. AH! I I’m sad that this friendship is over (we really were a pair, for a long long time, even after the first few breakups). I’m also confused and I want the old Jenna back. I feel guilty about calling it quits. I’m also fucking mad at her. Like, she used to be so gay and a feminist. I feel a lot of things. I’m also scared for her mental health. So, should I walk away?
A.
Carmen: I don’t think you should feel guilty about calling it quits. There was a quote I used to use all the time, “you can be supportive of someone without standing right next to them.” I understand being worried for your friend’s mental health, and you can express that to them – from a distance. Protecting yourself is always most important, and right now this person is causing you some serious harm.
Alexis: This is tough and as someone who has tried many times to do the friend break-up and it just not sticking, I commend you for reaching out for advice. So. First, it’s not up to you to save her. It does sound like something’s off and I understand you being worried and scared, but it’s okay to walk away especially before any of what she says or does really starts to eat at you. Second, if you’ve tried once and still feel like you need to try again, I think it’s safe to say that this is what you need to do. What’s that quote? “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” People are definitely multifaceted/have layers/etc, but if one of the layers she’s very intent on presenting is tearing you down and going against everything you believe and making you really uncomfortable, it’s okay to let her go.
Q6.
If any 1st or 2nd generation folx on staff have advice on how to deal with feelings of displacement, I would be extremely grateful. I don’t live in a very diverse city and my LGBTQ community is mainly comprised of white queers who sympathize, but tire really quickly of discussions about the crisis in Brazil. My family, whom I adore (adored?) so dearly, are largely extremely homophobic. I’ve made peace with this being the baggage that comes with a queer immigrant experience. I’d just love any tips and tricks to how to deal with all these feelings. I’ve been happily doing therapy for a long time so that box is ticked. Cheers! Thank you for the tireless, often thankless work you put in!!
A.
Mika: Hey friend, I moved to the midwest from Venezuela when I was 17 completely alone so I feel you. Until this day, because my first experience coming here was going to college, most of my bubble for social interaction was white people, some of them queer but white still. It wasn’t until being here for 4 years that I finally started to have the POC bubble I craved so badly. Even then the feelings of displacement never quite went away because even though we overlap on certain experiences, being an immigrant queer is its own whole thing and so few people really understand unless they’re going through it. I’m happy you’re in therapy, for a while that wasn’t an option for me so it resulted in a lot of unhealthy stuff to cope with the anxiety and stress of it all.
Something that until this day works for me is working out? particularly because I get to exist in my body and explore my relationship with it for at least an hour daily. I know for some people any sort of physical outlet that can create a positive relationship with your body is often soothing. When I wasn’t working out actively I usually dedicated at least an hour of my day to something that allowed me to disconnect, for example reading actively or playing video games like Pokemon games, Zelda or Stardew Valley really helped me. One of my sisters colors a lot, I know that’s also a cheap alternative for self soothing, journaling could be a thing too. Whatever that “hobby” may be, make sure you practice it daily, to blow some steam or simple to connect.
Another thing that I do is often communicating with one or two people about what’s going on instead of bottling it all in. Even if it’s hard, hanging out once every few weeks or so with a friend or a close person to me that doesn’t make me feel that I have to carry the emotional tone of the room (which literally everyone else does) is really good and allows me to vent out a bit. If you don’t have that in your town, honestly most of my social interaction is with the group chat from my high school best friends, at this point most of us have immigrated and are in different cities, so sharing memes or talking there feels so nice, I’m sure you probably have that already but making it more intentional in terms of semi regular communication is something you can focus on if you don’t have that support system in the same town as you.
I feel you and I wish I had more stuff to share with you, just know that you are not the only one and you’re not alone. This is not baggage, these challenges are things that sadly have been imposed in your life and you have no control over.
Until this day I really struggle by feeling that everything about me is too much or too complicated or too overwhelming, when I feel like that, as hard as it is, I make sure to remind myself that I have gone so fucking far on my own with literally every fucking possible thing going against me, I have done the best I could, and that is good enough and deserving enough.
A lot of people wish they were as strong as you are every day for making it when everyone and everything is going against you. Be kind to yourself, and honor the strength it has taken you to be where you are today. I got you and so many do, too.
Much love.
Q7.
Any advice about coming out to an ex about something you didn’t understand about yourself during your relationship? My gut tells me that getting in touch with somebody I haven’t seen in years just to tell them I’m asexual is a terrible idea, but it also says that my asexuality affected our relationship and probably left this person with some baggage. Would a quick and considerate explanation/apology bring a little closure to both of us?
A.
Rachel: Respectfully I am going to be more prescriptive than I would normally be in these sorts of things and share that I don’t think this is a good idea! The fact that you yourself say ‘my gut tells me this is a terrible idea’ seems like a pretty big red flag, and to be honest, if it’s been years, it’s likely this person has already made their peace with whatever the baggage could potentially have been, and getting back in touch (if you haven’t been in any kind of contact at all for all this time) is more likely to reactivate things than soothe them. The difficult truth about pretty much all human relationships is that we are all in a constant state, including right now at this exact moment in time, of not understanding things about ourselves in ways that have challenging consequences for ourselves and those who love us. We are always in a constant state of learning and self-knowledge, etc; none of us are unique in that way. And while it is noble to think that we might somehow rectify some of the impacts of that by acknowledging that, that is not necessarily the case. I don’t mean to assume that my history or relationship(s) are the same as yours or that there is anything more functional about mine, but personally when I’ve had exes reach out to tell me things they’ve realized about our relationships (“I’ve realized I was enacting some of the same dynamics as your traumatic childhood!,” etc) it was almost always something I already knew, and it felt like their closure offer was more about getting something off their own chest and what it meant to them to get my reaction to it than providing me with anything, if that makes sense.
Carolyn: If you do reach out, and I agree with Rachel and think you should not, I would urge you to first spend some time (weeks or months) examining your motives for doing so. We all want to feel seen by the people in our lives, sometimes especially if they were in our lives long ago (see: being 84 weeks deep in someone’s instagram, or high school reunions). But it’s important to remember that closure is a myth, and that while for you new information about yourself may help you see the old relationship through a different lens and therefore help you take new lessons from that and move forward, it is likely that your ex already has whatever closure they’re going to have and reopening the conversation will not be productive.
Riese: Wow I totally disagree with Rachel and Carolyn! I think you should reach out. Am I the only one who still agonizes over old breakups and what they say about my failures as a person? Not feeling sexually desired by your partner can leave you with INTENSE BAGGAGE and knowing the reason that you didn’t feel that way could definitely lighten a load. I would 100% say to reach out. Don’t expect anything in return, but I would appreciate it if I were your ex – as long as it didn’t include info like “I’m so happy now with someone who understands this element of me” or anything that would make her feel bad.
Q8.
Hi everyone,
I am STILL not over it. A year ago (A YEAR AGO!!!) This girl broke my heart. I’m talking, smithereens. I’m talking, it felt like a metal scouring pad was scrubbing the inside of my chest for MONTHS. I’m talking, I-literally-thought-I-was-going-to-die-and-sometimes-still-do.
We go to school together. We’re in the same class year. I see her around campus semi-regularly. I can’t fucking stand it. I have blocked her number, joined a sports team, journaled, thrown myself into schoolwork, gotten all As, gotten some bomb-ass internships, done some casual dating, invested in a weighted blanket, and STILL I AM SO SAD. I AM SO SAD. I AM SO SADDDDD.
She broke up with me over text. Just recently, she told me she led me to believe she cared about me more than she actually did just so that she could keep feeling loved by me. Seriously. And yet. I still cry over her?
The most immediate problem right now is that her boyfriend sits across from me in class. I hate him. I really, really hate him. Philosophically, I can understand why I shouldn’t, but then I envision them HAVING SEX and my blood pressure skyrockets. My friends won’t disown her, either. I don’t understand how people who purport to be my friends can stay friends – or even neutral – towards someone who hurt me so badly. I feel really, really alone.
I have a seizure disorder, so I can’t get off campus easily. I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere, and every single landmark of this campus is saturated in memories. She’s at all the events that I go to. She even has a pre-existing relationship with my therapy counselor. I hate it. What should I do?
A.
Riese: Wowowow this sounds awful. Firstly, you have to get a new counselor!!! Secondly — I’m sorry. It sounds like your heart is just very broken and that it’s not going to be an easy fix. I don’t think it’s weird for you to feel the way you feel, it’s hard to get closure when you’re surrounded by her and you still have mutual friends. But you know what? You joined a sports team, you got straight As, you landed incredible internships. So you’re actually doing quite well, considering! Sometimes that’s really the best any of us can do; is to feel those awful shitty feelings but not let them derail the other things we’ve got going on in life. Keep it up and eventually this will pass. You’ve already been through the hardest part, believe it or not.
Carmen: I really agree with Riese. I’m so sorry friend, this sounds like one of those rare times when you really can’t escape the situation and it’s awful and terrible. I loved my best friend all through college and she was completely emotionally abusive, those scars took forever to heal and that process couldn’t even begin until after I graduated and physically removed myself from her and our friendship circle by moving across the country (even that was painful). BUT HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS!! You are not letting this pain derail you. You are finding new opportunities to live your absolute best fucking life. Keep going. Eventually it will help. And you are so worth it.
Q9.
I’m almost 26 and realizing that I haven’t done any kind of relationship-type stuff in over 3 years. It’s time to change that! All my previous relationships were in college, where I was in constant contact with a lot of people in ways that made it easier for romantic relationships to just grow out of friendships. So, I’ve never done the actual “dating” thing where you go out on dates with a stranger or acquaintances? I feel like with the smaller and less intimate types of social circles I have in adulthood, dating apps might be my only hope of finding someone. It’s so daunting! In particular, I’m in the asexual spectrum (gray-ace) and I’ve never had sex before and while I would maaaybe someday be open to trying that in a relationship, I feel like I can’t guarantee that it would happen or that, if I tried it, I would enjoy it and want to do it again.
I guess my question is, how and at what point would I want to share that info in an app-ish situation? Does it go right in the profile? Is it more of a first or second date conversation? It feels like kinda private info, but also the kind of thing where I can’t start a relationship without making sure we’re on the same page. I dunno! It’s all so scary! How does this dating thing even work!
A.
Carmen: So I’m not ace, but I’ve definitely seen other people put it in their dating profiles. It’s never not once stopped me from being interested. I think if you feel most comfortable leading with that information, it’s OK. The right person will find you. On the flip side, I think the general guideline for “when do I share this personal information about myself with a stranger I met on the internet” is somewhere around the third date? Long enough for that person to no longer feel like a complete stranger to you, but before you so far down the path that it feels like you’re keeping secrets? Because you aren’t keeping a secret at all, but it’s ok to keep something that’s private about you private until you are comfortable and feel safe enough to share it – whether that’s on your profile itself, during early texts, or the first few dates. I say: Feel your way and trust what feels safe and good for you.
Q10.
I’m a 29 year old cis woman who has recently been questioning her sexuality. The short version of my question is: How do you know if you’re gay?
The longer version is: I’ve never been the type of person who’s been “really into” guys. When other girls were getting all boy-crazy in middle school, I wondered what the big deal was. I’ve wondered a few times in my life whether or not I might be gay, but was raised in a pretty conservative Catholic family, so I pretty much squashed any questioning immediately (fire and brimstone and all that jazz). I’ve only been in one romantic relationship; that relationship was with a man, and although it lasted for four years, it was very unhealthy in many regards. Since getting out of that relationship a few years ago, I’ve been on dates here and there with men, but I felt more like I was dating out of obligation than anything else. I don’t look forward to dating and frankly have felt no attraction to any of the men that I went on dates with or that I’ve come across on a variety of platforms. When I contrast my dating life with my friends, I wonder how they can consider dating fun. What am I missing?
I recently started attending an affirming church (after a decade of not attending church at all ) and found myself feeling what I think is attracted to another woman there. This is the first time in my life that I’ve ever seriously considered that I might not be completely heterosexual.” I feel stuck about how to move forward and find clarity. Lately I’ve been wondering things like: Was this always a part of who I am and I’m just now realizing it? Can people at my age realize that they’re gay, even if they have been in a relationship with the opposite gender before? Does this make me bisexual? How do I explore this further without making a big mess out of everything?
A.
Molly: Oh hello, are you me? I grew up Catholic, and gayness was verboten, so I just assumed my lack of interest in boys was something I’d just have to get used to. This continued into high school even! I’d dread the end of hanging out with my boyfriend because I knew he’d want to makeout, and it was so. boring. I didn’t get it. I started putting it together that I might be gay when I was a teenager, out from under the direct influence of my parents. By my first year of college, I was like, “yep, definitely bisexual.” By the end of my third year, I was definitely gay. I figured this out when I was 18 or 19, but it makes a lot of sense that you wouldn’t consider queerness for yourself until 29. When we’re brought up thinking gayness is evil, it’s coupled with a forced heteronormativity: only men can lead, women have to listen, women must be obedient, women must support men. That message was literally a whole homily when I was growing up. When you’re taught to fear and reject something, of course you’d never assume you are that thing, because you know yourself to be good and human and a creation of God. You are still all those things, and now you’ve been given the gift of introspection, a journey to get to know yourself and your true desires that many cis straight people aren’t forced take. You will have a better understanding of who you are if you allow yourself to consider all the possibilities, not just the prescribed list some dude drew up 1,000 years ago because he a girl rejected him as a teenager. Once you’ve got that permission from yourself, my advice is to use trial and error to see if you like women: go on a date, see if you like that particular attention, eventually kiss a woman even. If you’re like me, and I think you are, all of that confusion about “what’s the big deal with boys and kissing them” will suddenly and immediately make sense.
Q11.
Hi there!
I have a very classic bisexual gal question. I am in my mid-twenties and in a happily committed and wonderful relationship with another lady (she’s so amazing, I am so lucky). I’ve spent many many years knowing I am bisexual and until the last 4 or so years, when I really started prioritizing and experiencing dating women, I didn’t feel truly like myself. I overthink everything including what it means to identify certain ways. For me, I know that I do best in WLW spaces. My job centers queerness and helping LGBT folks. My life is centered around women and gays. I can’t imagine having a fulfilling romantic partnership with a cis man. But, I still feel bisexual and I know it’s a beautiful pink and blue spectrum!
The question is: Is this yearning I have to identify as lesbian actually internalized biphobia? (Probably) Why is it still there? Is it offensive to lesbians for me to feel this way? Is it obnoxious to bisexual folks that I sit around thinking about how I am happiest in WLW spaces? I guess I’m just screaming into the void and hoping some other people have felt this way.
A.
Riese: Firstly I don’t know why none of the bisexuals answered this question for you, THUS putting me in a position to speak ON THEIR BEHALF. The way you describe feeling is honestly a feeling I’ve heard from like ohhhh 70% of the bisexual women I know in the past few years? Listen, the world is bleak right now, especially w/r/t men. I feel the same way you do and I identify as a lesbian, but it took me a few years of feeling that way to finally feel confident that that was the right word for me, and part of it for me was actually confronting internalized lesbophobia, so. Most of the women I know who feel the same way you do — never want to date a man, prefer WLW spaces, feel most themselves in WLW spaces — do still identify as bisexual, and that’s also important representation. I think all you can do is call yourself whatever feels right to you. If you feel like identifying as bisexual is shameful or less cool or acceptable than being a lesbian, and that’s why you don’t want to use the word, then yeah, that’s internalized biphobia. If you feel like it’s just not accurate regarding who you are now — ’cause people can change! lots of people change from lesbians to bisexual also! — then you know, investigate that too.
Rachel: I am bisexual and here to try to answer this! I think I didn’t at first because I wish that I had a definitive answer for you and I don’t and I was hoping that one would sort of materialize but it has not. In my heart I feel like the truth is that it may not be possible to know; the roots of internalized phobias of many shades and also the specter of compulsory heterosexuality and the near-impossibility as a woman in the world of hoping to untangle what you *want* from what you think you’re *supposed to want* etc etc — I’m not sure it’s realistic for any of us to expect ourselves to really dig beneath all that and find an objective confirmable Truth about this, you know? (Not to dismiss the experiences of those who feel like they have been able to do that; I’m so proud of you and happy for you!) I think you can think about what having a label/word for your sexuality means to you — is it about an authentic reporting of your own internal experience to yourself? What it means wrt your relationship? What communities it connects you to? But to answer your other question, I don’t think any avenue you could find yourself down will be offensive to anyone! And I can confirm that so many of us are in the void with you, also screaming, also feeling this way. <3
Q12.
I love my girlfriend so much, but I’ve realized that we are just in two different places in life. I can’t give her the commitment she wants and deserves. For example, I’m not ready to move in with anyone – I feel like I need to find who I am first and that’s not fair to her. I need to break up with her. My question is: She’s submitting her diss in a few weeks — her family will be in town, we’re gonna celebrate, etc. Should I break up with her before that, probably ruining the day, or after, therefore retroactively ruining the day? I really do love her, so I wouldn’t be faking anything – I just can’t promise her the future she deserves.
A.
Rachel: This is hard as I think there are genuinely strong moral arguments on both sides – that it’s unkind to keep your girlfriend in the dark about this when you’ve already made a decision, and that it’s unkind to overshadow a positive event with bad news. I mean it sucks because this is going to be hard and she’ll be hurt either way! I personally I think would err on the side of waiting ‘til after — I think the memories she has of those events are going to be bittersweet, honestly, as is in retrospect, but I also think it’s respectful to give the other person’s big life stuff its own space and time to shine when, as you say, your issues with your relationship aren’t time sensitive exactly.
Carolyn: If you’ve decided, you’ve decided, but it’s worth checking in with yourself (and with her!) about “the future she deserves.” If you’ve had explicit conversations around what you each want from your relationship and have realized you’re on different pages, then yes, it’s time for you both to move on. If you haven’t though, and if you’re just assuming she deserves something that looks a certain way but haven’t heard it from her that she wants that, you owe it to yourselves to talk about it. (Again, unless you’re already out the door.)
Kayla: I also see both sides of this if I zoom out, but I can say that if I were your girlfriend, I would absolutely want to know sooner rather than later. I do think unfortunately that her memories of this event might be colored if it happens before or after. It is, truly, never a good time to be broken up with. If this is what you really want and you’ve already decided it, you owe it to her to be honest about where you’re at. But like Carolyn touched on, that’s only if you’re sure this is what you want to do. The fact that you’re not sure when to do it does signal to me some general uncertainty, so just be sure you’re asking the right question.
Q13.
Hello! Please help — so there is a girl I like and I thought she liked me back. We were hanging out a lot the past few weeks and studying together, but I haven’t seen her that much since our individual assignments were due. We’ve hooked up before. I happen to know via a friend that she was potentially interested in me. But, she was unsure if something was going to happen or if we were just going to be friends, as was I.
So I thought there was potential. However, we were hanging out in a group setting last week and there were a few times where my leg accidentally touched hers and she moved away each time. What do you think that means? I’ve taken it to mean she’s not interested, however I’m worried I might be wrong. What if I’ve squandered something that could have been a good thing for me? I really like her, but she’s also my friend so I don’t want to make things awkward. What should I do?
A.
Heather: Ask her! Ask her if she wants to hang out with you, in a gay way, some time? If you hooked up before and spent a lot of time studying together, you probably have a read on initial compatibility from your end. Now you just gotta find out if she’s feeling it too! I would try not to read too much into the leg situation because maybe that’s a real thing that happened or maybe you were just being hypervigilant. (I know this is possible because one time I went to lunch with this girl I didn’t know also is a lesbian and she asked me out later and I told her I was in a relationship and she was like YOU WERE PLAYING FOOTSIE WITH ME THAT WHOLE LUNCH and I honestly never even remember our feets or any other parts of our bodies touching, but she’d been obsessing about what it meant for weeks!)
Carmen: For sure this is super scary, but you are never going to know until you ask. Outloud. With your mouth. (Or your texting fingers, this is the new millennium and all.)
Q14.
This is kinda gross, but I don’t know where else to ask. I have a nose ring (a hoop) and it is definitely healed, but for a few days after going down on a woman I find that my piercing is red and irritated. What do I do????? Do I just live like this? No more oral sex forever?
A.
Carolyn: “The best answer is always to consult your piercer.” But also the likely issues are fluids and/or friction. If the problem is fluids, try using dental dams to keep the piercing site free of come and/or spit and/or lube. If the problem is friction/the piercing getting knocked around, and it’s fully healed, take it out with clean hands before sex, and then make sure the site and the jewelry are clean before putting it back in after.
Kayla: Ok, so I can somewhat relate because I TOO have issues with my nose ring during sex and always have regardless of changes to the specific piercing I’m wearing there. In my case, it doesn’t get irritated… it just falls out. The number of nose piercings I’ve lost during sexual situations is absurd. BUT this is all to say that it is perfectly fine and legal for you to take it out before a sexual encounter. I was worried that this was going to be awkward at first, but it isn’t! It doesn’t interrupt the flow of sex or anything like that—it’s akin to removing rings or taking off glasses or putting on protection of some sort. Even if you have to do it in the bathroom or with a mirror, fear not. It’s not going to offend or hurt anyone, and it beats having an irritated piercing!
Q15.
Hi! I’ve been trying to pretend I’m fine in this situation, but I just cried on the floor for a while, so I am probably not fine!
I have romantic feelings for a friend. I asked them out, and they said no. However, I was very casual about it so that they wouldn’t feel bad turning me down. Consequently, I don’t think they realize I have fully-developed feelings for them. This is good in that our friendship wasn’t hurt. In fact, they asked me to be their exercise buddy. We now hang out multiple times a week, exercising and chatting.
In so many ways, this arrangement is fantastic for me. I have someone to both motivate me to exercise and to make me feel safer running outside as an AFAB person. I also get regularly scheduled time with a friend to socialize and support each other. I feel healthier, physically and emotionally, and look forward to these meetings so much.
The problem is, the more time I spend with them and get to know them better, the more freaking amazing they reveal themselves to be! I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with them? But it would feel much worse to reduce the amount of time we exercise/hang out together. How do I get over these romantic feelings without distancing myself from this incredibly valuable friendship?
I’m trying to tell myself that they wouldn’t be spending so much time with me if they weren’t lso getting something really important from me too, and PLATONIC LOVE IS NOT LESS THAN ROMANTIC LOVE. I’m dipping my toes into online dating in an attempt to get over them by finding someone else. I am asexual, so it’s pretty hard to find relationships, and getting over them through dating is not a super realistic option (please note that my friend is also ace, so my asexuality is NOT the reason they turned me down).
Do you have any advice? For reframing my thinking? For moving on without moving apart? For getting my cat to stop meowing at me when I’m crying on the floor? Thank you!!
A.
Carmen: I love you, person that I have never met before, so I am going to say this as gently as I can – you have to stop spending time with this person. I know you asked for advice about “moving on without moving apart” so this is clearly not what you wanted to hear, but I don’t see another path forward. You are absolutely correct that platonic love can be as fulfilling as romantic love, but you were looking for romance and that got thwarted and that fucking hurts. Your brain and heart deserve time to heal. There’s absolutely no way to do that if you are constantly working out with this person and re-opening the wounds, so to speak. If you’re ready to choose yourself and “reframe your thinking,” then this has got to be your first move.
Q16.
Hey can you help clear up something for me? Is it best practice for us cisgender ppl to share our pronouns in group settings, put them in our email signature, etc.? I know that this practice has become more ubiquitous over the past several years (yay!), but I kind of remember reading that was like, backlash to it? Something like “it’s cis centric for cis ppl to share their pronouns”?
I guess what I mean is, should I – as a cis, lesbian who very much presents as female, tell people unprompted that my pronouns are she/her? Some people in my workplace have put their pronouns in their email signature, alongside phone number and other contact info. Is it just good practice to get everyone used to not assuming pronouns? I personally feel strange putting it in my email signature, when it’s not something that I need people to know about me, and I’ve never been misgendered. It feels like I’m co-opting something that’s not mine? But, if this is a way of being in solidarity with fellow queer folks and disrupting people’s notions of gender and pronouns, then sure I’ll totally do it.
Maybe I really should just go read Archie’s book. Thanks for bearing with me!
A.
Archie: I mean…yes obviously you should really just go read my book. But yes, put your pronouns down. You’re not taking something that’s not yours because your pronouns ARE yours – even as a cisgender person! What I tell cis allies is that anytime you put your pronouns down somewhere public like an email, you are doing two things at once: You’re opening yourself up for questions by folks who might have questions about pronouns or might express confusion and you’re showing non-cisgender folks who are reading your emails that you’re a person who is going to respect them. Anytime a cisgender person at work fields a question about pronouns and non-binary identities is one LESS conversation a non-binary person needs to have at the office about their own identity. And yes, I’m totally capable and able to advocate for myself, but also it is real nice not to have to defend they/them pronouns to Steve at the water cooler.
Q17.
My girlfriend has a low sex drive. She doesn’t actively want sex basically right up until the point we’re just about having it. I do actively want sex, and on any given day I’d probably be into it, but I don’t always want to or feel comfortable initiating it (I think I might be somewhere in the realm of demisexual). This combination leads to us having sex less than I’d like, and me feeling like I’ve missed opportunities because I didn’t initiate anything.
Having a routine of having sex would work well for me, but not for her, because she’d feel like she was doing it out of the routine instead of because she wanted to. How do we deal with this? I’ve thought about creating a routine that only applies to me, like perhaps a system where I remind myself on a regular basis that I’d like to have sex and that I should initiate something when we next have the chance.
Also, how do I get better at initiating sex, and doing it in a variety of ways outside of the direct question of “Do you want to have sex?” I seem to have it in my head that sex sort of just happens, but actually it happens because someone goes for it. I’ve never had to make those moves before and it makes me kind of anxious. How do I do it?
A.
Riese: So I’m not sure what your living situation is but I think that a lot of people have trouble initiating sex, and the longer you go without it, the harder and harder it can become to get back on track. And even if you don’t have a high sex drive, intimacy can be really meaningful and important in a relationship. Honestly, sometimes the way that sex “just happens” is by asking “do you wanna make out later?” or “How would you feel about making out right now?” or “I really wanna fuck you right now” which is an invitation but also it’s no pressure if you’re not into it I will just go to the other room and masturbate while thinking about fucking you which to be clear is very fine and ok with me!” or “you look wonderful tonight, I feel wonderful because I see the love light in your eyes and the wonder of it all is that you just don’t realize how much I love you”
I think though, my friend, that you are going to have to… talk about it. Say you’d like to have sex more and would she? And what kind of communication around that is she comfortable with? You could set a routine with the understanding that if she’s not into it at that moment, then you’ll go take care of yourself, or that she shouldn’t be worried about saying “I’m actually not into it tonight.” Make it flexi!
Also, sexual chemistry is a lot of things and part of sexual chemistry is, to some degree, an ability to talk about it or initiate it. It’s something worth giving attention to, it’s not a shameful thing to desire or to feel is important to your relationship.
Q18.
How does not removing vulvar hair at all work? Maybe this needs a TMI warning, but if I don’t trim the hair on my outer labia it gets long enough that it gets matted with urine, menstrual blood, or other vaginal secretions throughout the day. Is my body super weird or does this happen to everyone with vulva hair? (Have been meaning to ask this since the hair question on the survey but it felt too personal to ask in the comments.)
Pubic hair is the one thing about puberty for me that was shocking at the time, but I adjusted to and now love about my body. I’ve always trimmed it and I would love to be able not to, but I just can’t! Sometimes I feel awful about my body for being high maintenance; I am working on learning to take care of myself without letting those bullshit expectations get to me.
A.
Archie: Your body is not super weird! In fact it’s doing exactly what it’s supposed to – pubic hair, besides just being incredibly sexy, is meant to wick away bacteria, discharge and sweat away from the skin. Your body isn’t any more high maintenance than any other body. Showering regularly is really all that’s needed, keeping soap on the outside of your body to prevent it messing with your pH balance. If it’s still bugging you, try carrying around pH-balanced fragrance-free vaginal wipes with you. These are nice for cleaning up on-the-go or right before a hookup, although a quick wipe down with water will also do the trick. Whatever makes your comfortable!
Q19.
In the last 2 years I’ve had things (birthdays/ big life events) I wanted to celebrate with friends. While I feel I have a decent number of friends who care about me, I’ve now had 3–4 times where I’ve planned a particular event and asked people come, only to have had NO ONE show up. Plus, no one really seemed sorry they couldn’t make it and didn’t seem to think their absence was noticed?
I have a 10 year anniversary of something important happening in May. I want to celebrate, but I’m super anxious about planning something and having no one show up again. How can I plan it and make it clear to others that I really want to celebrate with my friends, not alone? I’m fairly good at celebrating by myself, but I’m really tired of ignoring the hurt of being forgotten by the people I care about.
A.
Molly: Hi! I’m really sorry you’ve been disappointed at your events. That’s a hard feeling to sit with, because you’re tempted to imagine all the terrible reasons it might have happened. But what I’ve learned in life, after 33 years, is that the longer we live it, the harder it is to wrangle our people into one place. We are all busy! And we’re all pretty self-involved! What I’m getting at here is that I’m guessing most of the people who aren’t showing up don’t realize it’s hurting you so much, or that no one is showing up at all. If you’ve got a few people you’re comfortable talking to and trusting with your vulnerabilities, you can tell them how their actions hurt your feelings. That is allowed! It’s also helpful, because otherwise they’ll never know, and you’ll be alone with the resentment. That shit solidifies, and it’s hard to chip away. With your big event coming up, how about asking a friend to help you plan? Also, let your friends know what a big deal this event is for you. There’s nothing wrong with telling people you’d like their support, but it feels weird to say it out loud and blatantly! I get it. Still, it’s a risk you can take, and what’s the worst outcome? They’ll say no? They’ll say they’re busy? At least that’s better than wondering if they didn’t show up because of something you did or whatever the anxiety is. If I don’t communicate like this, I’ll build up situations in my head to be much worse than they actually are — is she ignoring me because of something I did??? WHAT DID I DO??? But once I talk to my people about what’s bothering me, I’m grounded, and my brain stops its spiraling. It’s OK to stand up for what you want, and it’s definitely OK to not want to be hurt by the people you love.
Carmen: I am absolutely terrible at this, so please learn from my mistakes – just be honest and clear about what you need with those you love. Like, just tell them. Flat out. Make an itemized list. Write a script. Whatever works for you. The key is that you are as clear as possible and express these concerns as needs. More likely than not, once they are clear about the situation, your friends are going to surprise you. On the slightest chance that they don’t change their ways, well now you know that you may need to find other people in your support system who will respect you and are able to love you in a way that you can receive it.
Q20.
Hi! My girlfriend and I are planning on getting engaged this year. (Yay!!) We are having a lot of open conversations about it, including planning who will propose first. We both feel really good about this, but I also am having a hard time separating the lack of surprise from the idea of romance. Do anyone have some encouraging engagement stories from couples that both proposed? Google is honestly useless.
A.
Carolyn: Okay so I’m super divorced now so make of that what you will, BUT I was in a similar situation of my ex and I both wanting the engagement to occur under mutually agreed-on circumstances while also wanting it to feel sweeping and romantic and surprising while also wanting her to propose first. In my case, we agreed that she would initiate the engagement and we agreed loosely where it would happen, but her surprise to me was the dinner we went to afterward and my surprise to her was pulling her ring out of my bra (where I had tied it for weeks just in case) and counter-proposing on the spot. There were enough elements that only one of us knew about to make it feel like an unexpected evening for each of us, but we’d also planned enough of it together to make it fully ours.
Q21.
So I met a girl who lives across the country through fandom and things started getting flirty. She came to visit me a few months ago and we hooked up and had a wonderful time. Since then she’s been getting into an long distance relationship with another woman. She’s been back and forth about if she wants to keep our thing going or not. (Most recently she’s been on the “no” side). I don’t know the details of the conversations she’s had with this other girl about me. She and I are supposed to spend time together in a few months at a convention. (The other woman is aware we are meeting up again). We had originally intended to continue fun sexy times and she says she doesn’t want to now, which is fine, but she’s still giving me mixed signals and I’m just plain not sure how to best proceed. I mean I’d love to be with her again, but I also don’t want to do anything wrong here. Help?
A.
Heather: I think the best thing to do is ask her for some clarification. If the last word on it is that she says she doesn’t want to hook up, I’d plan on that being the case and set my expectations and plan my actions accordingly. But if you get to this con and she does start sending you mixed signals, I’d ask, like, “Hey buddy, you said you didn’t want to do any hooking up here but now it seems like you kind of do want to hook up here. Am I reading that correctly?” If yes, and you’re okay with hooking up and unworried about what happens after that, go for it. Unless! You’re not able, emotionally, for it just to be a hook-up. It feels like maybe this girl doesn’t know what she wants but you do. If you need her to know like you know, and she doesn’t, it’s okay to not hook up with her and just have a great time at the con.
Q22.
I saw a therapist for several years. She was lovely and helpful to me in many ways, but there were some things that always made me uncomfortable — my queerness was the one thing it seemed like she never wanted to talk about and she also was seeing my mom as a client. Things got busy and I’d been thinking a lot about gender identity, which I wasn’t particularly eager to discuss with her, so I basically ghosted her by not scheduling a next appointment.
I felt guilty about it and planned on emailing her to check in (she never followed up with me). About six months after I ghosted, my mom told me that she had asked her if I was okay because she hadn’t seen me in a while. It made me super uncomfortable, is a clear HIPAA violation, makes me wonder if she’d breached my confidentiality before. This led to me having a discussion with my mom about my mental health that I did not want to have. My question is: Do I owe her closure? Or should I contact her because maybe I’m the one who needs closure? She was helpful during some dark times and provided me with structure to discuss my feelings. We got along extremely well, and I instinctively want to end things neatly, but I feel really hurt that she betrayed my confidence. At this point, I feel both guilty and angry whenever I think about this and have mostly squirreled it away inside for two years. What to doooooo? Do I owe her an email?
A.
Archie: You ABSOLUTELY do not need to contact her. You do not need to give closure or end things on good terms with a therapist. It wasn’t a good fit, you couldn’t be as open and honest as you needed to be in terms of gender or queerness. This is a professional relationship not a friendship. Therapists are used to people leaving. Ghost that therapist. Find a new therapist. Discuss how you can work on not feeling guilty for leaving things that do not serve you!
Alexis: Archie is 100% correct and you don’t owe her shit. But as someone who is not good with not having closure, I can understand why this is just really tough. I’d cut out what Archie said and just keep it in my pocket honestly and every time you think that maybe she was right, you remind yourself that even though she may have helped you at certain points, you are not indebted to her and that breach of confidence/inability to super trust her is a good enough reason to turn your back on this, if you can. Also, I know the writing a letter that you’ll never send thing sounds cheesy but from someone who NEEDS closure in any way I can imagine it, that shit works. So maybe write her a letter too but MY GOD PLEASE DON’T SEND IT.
Q23.
Hi all. This is a heavy/long question, but am hoping you all can offer some insight. The (relatively) short version is that myself and my ex-wife divorced last summer, after being separated for about a year. We married very young. Our relationship was really formative and we shared many experiences that continue to shape me. Our relationship ended for some heavy reasons and was very painful and messy (I had serious codependency issues, she was struggling with alcoholism, we had unhealthy communication styles, etc). It was definitely traumatic for both of us. I think we both loved (and still love) each other even in spite of the split, but the split led us both to be healthier.
Anyway, we were both extremely civil and mature regarding the divorce. We met up to talk about amends a few times. We both apologized and owned up to some things and offered forgiveness to one another. Since the divorce, we’ve been in touch a few times (about lingering paperwork or unexpected pet emergencies, for example). All of those communications were civil and kind, and happened over email/phone.
Today, we are not in touch. Meaning, we haven’t made any effort to “stay friends” or hang out or be FB friends or anything like that. I really, truly miss her and care about her. I know that a “just friends” thing is not realistic for us (we’re still healing and there’s lots of old pain). I also know that rekindling the relationship is not healthy. But I find myself wishing we had an agreed upon way to reconnect… like perhaps that we catch up over the phone once or twice a year and discuss life stuff, assuming we both want to. I wish there was a way for us to reconnect in a positive way, rather than rehashing the past. While I’m not seeing us like, going to the movies and hanging out, it brings me some sense of peace to think that someone so hugely special to me won’t evaporate.
Am I totally off the wall? Is this something that divorced (or similarly split) couples DO? Is this fair for me to even broach with my ex? I’ve never had a relationship nearly as serious, so I’ve never navigated something like this. It sounds trite, but even though our marriage didn’t work, the life we formed together is something that shaped me, and I love her immensely. Even if we just talk on the phone twice a year and chat about the pets and new hobbies or old friend gossip, that gentle connection would bring me joy and healing, I think.
Am I nuts? Any suggestions are so welcome. I feel lost in the fog of my thoughts on this one.
A.
Rachel: The good and bad news is that pretty much everything is something that divorced couples do — there are so many ways this looks! I think that the question of whether this is fair to broach with your ex is almost entirely dependent on your relationship. From your question it wasn’t clear to me whether you haven’t been in contact because that was a choice one or both of you made, or whether things just sort of happened that way. Either way, speaking to what seems like your larger concern, this isn’t a crazy thing to want or try — there are plenty of exes that stay amicable or stay in touch for one reason or another, either because your lives still overlap because of friends or kids or just because, like you’re saying, you want to honor how you care about each other. I think it would be ok (if she hasn’t said anything to the effect of being in touch with you being undesirable or hurtful to her) to let your ex know that you’re interested in this, and to be really specific — that you aren’t looking to be best friends or in constant contact, but to know what’s going on with her and let her know the same. You can even be specific about what you want that to look like — call twice a year? Exchange Christmas card/letters? The other part of this, though, is that you have to be genuinely open to whatever she says in response, even if it’s no, and phrase your invitation in a way that isn’t pressuring her. Even though you do both love each other very much, it might still be painful in an unproductive way to be in touch with you. I want the best for you though and think it’s worth asking! Good luck!
Q24.
Hello! Please help! So me and this girl – I previously hooked up with her like a year ago – were hanging out a lot in the past month or so and I’m pretty sure she was interested in me. However, I sensed a slight change in the way she interacted in the last few weeks. One day she seemed interested and the next… she didn’t. But I didn’t do anything or this time see her in between, so I’m confused? I’m just a bit sad because I thought something might happen. I live in a small town. I keep having almosts with so many people and I just have no idea what I’m doing wrong? Anyway I’m just sick of this and it’s not even like I want to be in a serious relationship – I just want to have someone to date in a fun, non-committed way.
A.
Carolyn: This sounds like a personal problem for her and not anything to do with you at all! It can suck when there are a string of almosts or ghosts or etcs. all at once. Obviously I only know the extent of the situation that you’ve shared, but generally when someone who’s not totally in your life stops being interested it has more to do with something going on with them and not as much to do with you.
Riese: Yeah I mean it could be that someone else she was interested in popped up around that time too. Maybe an ex came back! Maybe someone she’d crushed on for years swooped in! Maybe she got B.V. and then the antibiotics gave her a yeast infection! It’s not you, though. It’s not you!
Q25.
Hello Autostraddle! I need some advice: I have a friend who has a girlfriend, however she never invites me to hang out with said girlfriend. I talked to my friend about this and she responded that she thought she’d given me a bad impression of the girlfriend, to which I answered, “No.” I feel a bit confused and quite hurt that my friend doesn’t want me to know her girlfriend at all.
Plus, she has spent way less time with me since they got together. The only times when we hang out is when her girlfriend is busy or away. I really wish we could hang out more because I miss spending time with my friend. But I don’t really know how to say this to her and I feel weird bringing it up after my suggestion to get to know her girlfriend better basically got shut down. Are my expectations of this friend too high? How do I stop feeling disappointed all the time?
A.
Rachel: Forgive me if this is something you’ve already tried or is obvious, but since you didn’t mention it in your question: how much have you taken the initiative to invite your friend/her girlfriend to stuff? It’s possible that there is less going on here than you think — unfortunately it’s pretty common for people to see their platonic friends less when they get into a new relationship, and it might not mean anything about you personally. I think it’s worth trying to proactively invite her and also both of them to things, and if she seems to really reject that then maybe you really can just say “hey, I haven’t seen as much of you since you got together with [girl]; I miss you, can we make plans soon?”
Al(aina): Some people don’t want to hang out with their partners and their friends at the same time. My friends almost never know my partners. It’s not because I don’t think they want to know each other, but just because I’m not trying to hang out as a couple with my friends, if that makes sense? My friendships look very different than my romantic relationships, and because of that, I don’t really care if my friends and romantic partners know each other, or if my friends get to know my partners. Maybe your friend is coming from a similar place? I don’t think your friend not wanting you to know their girlfriend is a sign that they feel any particular way about you, it just might not matter. For very nosy reasons, I want to meet my friends partners so that I can “approve” of them, but like, how I feel about my friends partners literally doesn’t matter. We’re still friends! Unless you feel like your friend is pulling away from you, or their girlfriend is encouraging them to spend less time with you then I wouldn’t be concerned, they’re probably just trying to not be touching each others’ butts in front of you.
Riese: Maybe her girlfriend is imaginary and when she’s “with her girlfriend” what she’s really doing is like, high-level government spy shit. Think about it!
Q26.
I’m in this weird position where I accepted my literal dream job and it turns out not to be my literal dream job. I think I was maybe just offered this job because a place wanted to hire me, but they actually didn’t have anything in mind for the role itself, so now I’m working in a setting I love, in a role I am not convinced about. They talk about wanting to develop my career and I think there’s a lot of space for me to choose my own adventure, so to speak.
They’ve recently wanted to send me overseas (23+ hour flights), which I was thrilled about when I first accepted the role, but my life has changed a lot in the last few months. I’m seeing a cool person and I live in a nice house with my friends and I’m volunteering for a local charity – I’m actually really happy being rooted in my city at the moment. I’m in a mindset where I’m not sure if I should cut my losses and look elsewhere (I work in an industry where there’s quite a lot of work available!) or if I should persevere for a bit longer (I’ve only been here a few months) . I guess my question is: How do you know when a professional role is not right, and how do you know when to prioritize your personal life over your career development?
A.
Archie: Is there room to negotiate in your current job? It sounds like they really wanted YOU even though they didn’t have an actual role created. What I’ve seen more professional pals of mine do is create a role for themselves – figure out what you want to do or not do (like travel overseas), where and how you’d like to move your career forward with the company and how your skills would best fit within the company and present it to them to see what they think. Otherwise, I’d say prioritize your personal life because it sounds like it’s really thriving right now! And whatever magical career you’re in has lots of opportunities for work even if things don’t pan out in your current company so take advantage of that!
Carmen: Yeah from the way you’ve described it (again, we always only get one side of the story here), it sounds like you are lucky enough to work in an environment that might be receptive to some reasonable changes if you brought them up. I think you should give it a try, but here’s my caveat – make sure your new job ideals and expectations are realistic to the company you’re at, that they are well researched and sound, and that these suggestions are satisfying both your needs and their needs. Good luck!
Q27.
I have a friend with benefits who lives in another city who travels to mine a few times a year for work. She stays with me and it’s been a fun and casual thing we’ve had for awhile. Recently I started dating this girl and she wants to be exclusive. Things are going well, but she’s asked me to not host my friend when she travels here. I told my friend that I was going to be exclusive with this girl and she’s happy for me, but I don’t know how I feel about not having her stay at my place. I don’t know if I should go with it or tell my girlfriend that it isn’t okay and she needs to trust me. I can see an argument for either side of this and I don’t know what to do!
A.
Al(aina): I think you need to tell your girlfriend to trust you. If things are going well, y’all have agreed on exclusivity, and the friend is happy for y’all in your exclusivity, her resistance feels like a red flag to me. You can host whoever you want! Especially your friends! Tell her to stop being so controlling, and maybe all of y’all can grab dinner together on your friend’s first night in town to convince your girlfriend everything’s okay.
Q28.
So, I’m a top and I love being a top. And I love topping my girlfriend, it’s seriously the most fun I’ve ever had. In past relationships I’ve been a bit more switch, but now I’m in a place where I’m not sure how I’m supposed to come during sex when I’m not taking charge. That sounds weird, and I know, there is no right way or wrong way to orgasm and we’re all different – cool, yes I’m with you, my vagina is a special snowflake, there is no other quite like it, etc. But I guess I’m just wondering, how I can be affirmed in my dominance during sex while also getting fucked so that I can get off… does this make sense? I just want to know what to do! Anyone with some kind of guidance would help me out.
A.
Archie: The cool thing is that topping and bottoming is NOT the same as penetration/being penetrated. Bottoming=/=Being Penetrated and vice versa. They are two different things. Topping is more of a power exchange than a sexual act. You can be a top and enjoy penetration, oral, grinding, whatever gets that special snowflake of a body off. I love being more dominant in bed however to actually get my bod off I need to either be grinding against a vibe, a thigh, or have a fist (or two) inside me. Luckily, you CAN fuck your cake and eat it too! Giving directions, telling them to do it harder/faster/deeper, asking if they like getting you off, calling them dirty names, slapping their face while they do it, etc etc. Ask your partner to express gratitude for fucking you–have them say please, thank you, or tell you how much they want to taste you. You can also tell them you’re going to “use them” to get off and grind against them until you do. Adding limits or challenges can be a fun way to play in dominance while your partner pleasures you–tie their hands back and have them go down on you while you pull their hair or have your partner(s) touch themselves while simultaneously touching you but don’t allow them to come until you do. Adding other body parts or toys in the mix can also be fun. Have them suck your toes while fucking you or pull or tug a harness/collar/leash while they fuck you. Imagination is key! Have fun!
Al(aina): I agree with Archie that topping is more of a power exchange! It’s also a state of mind; like from the opposite side, I’m a bottom who loves being told to strap my tops. Even though using the strap is usually associated with topping, because I’ve been told to do it, I’m fucking as an act of submission. So, if you want to get fucked and still be dominant, make that happen–tell them what you want, how you want it, when they can stop giving it to you. Bottoms love to be useful, tell us what you need, we got you.
Q29.
Hey Autostraddle! Not long after I came out to my mum years ago, she came out to me too. At the time it was cool to me, but over the years I’ve realised her traumatic experiences with women and from her family in the early ‘80s has had a lasting effect. She tells me that two women can never be happy together, not to come out to anyone, not to get involved in queer communities or not to close myself off to relationships with men. It hurts to hear. I don’t have the pride it feels like every other queer has. I guess I’m just wondering how you can carry someone else’s pain and fear without letting it becoming your own? (TL;DR: Why does my queer mother make me wish I was straight??)
A.
Rachel: This is so hard! I’m so sorry that this is your experience and I’m sad for you and for your mom. It feels clear that your mom has a lot of internalized stuff and that is spilling over onto you in a BIG way! I think it would definitely be good to be clear with your mom about how this is affecting you — “Mom, I know you mean well, but this kind of advice isn’t useful to me, and I need you to stop bringing it up.” As per with any boundary setting, it’s good to have a plan for what happens if she doesn’t respect your wishes, communicate it, and actually follow through on it — “Mom, it’s really harmful for me when you tell me to stay away from queer events; I need you to stop bringing that up, and if you do it again, I’ll have to leave the conversation/change the subject/go home” etc. Outside of that, I think it’s up to you — and it’s a hard decision! I’m not going to tell you how to deal with it! — how much you want to be involved in helping your mom heal some of this for herself. I don’t know much about your relationship outside of talking about queer issues, or how close you are, or if it would ever be possible to say to your mom that her identity trauma is real and hurting your relationship, or if you’d ever feel comfortable bringing her to queer events or taking her to a community space where she might see women (and women her age!) together in a healthy way. I think it’s possible for your mom to come to a different place for herself around this, but I think you should think really carefully about what role it’s healthy for you personally to play in that! I wish you both the best of luck, you deserve peace around this. <3
Q30.
My partner is pregnant (!) and she would like to be called “mum” or “mama” by the child, but those words feel weird for me. I think “baba” could work when the child is small, but maybe not as it grows up. Any ideas about gender neutral words to call a parent?
A.
Vanessa: Okay first of all, mazel tov! Second of all, the best thing about queer parenting is we make our own rules! I think “baba” could totally work for your future kiddo as they grow up, if y’all want that to be the case. I have a friend who goes by “poppy” to her kid, another friend who is referred to as “papa,” and one friend who is referred to as “my Bobby” (their name is Bobby, lol). It’s possible that as you and and your kid get to know each other, you’ll find the right word for you. Congrats again. <3
Al(aina): Babies! Congrats to you and your partner! I’m here to add another upvote for “my [insert your name here].” I had three year old twins in summer camp one year who were very good at explaining “No, I have a mom an a my Ali, my OTHER mom.” Which brings me to my larger point, that kids will be very good at explaining who you are to them to other people, and they will let the people around them know how you matter to them. So don’t worry too much about coming up with a name that will recognizably relay your parental relationship. Even if you don’t come up with something until after the baby arrives, I think letting the little nugget know that you love them is what’s the most important thing. The naming will come.
Carmen: Oh my goodness, Congratulations!!! I also just wanted to pop in and say that “Baba” isn’t a gender neutral parenting term in some parts of the world, if that matters to you. Baba is used for father in many African and Middle Eastern countries, which might be something to consider! Good luck with everything! I’m so happy for you!
Q31.
I have a wonderful family who are very accepting and love me very much. I came out to them maybe 5 years ago and everyone is on board and it’s great! I’ve had one wonderful relationship with a woman, but I’ve also had feelings for a select few men. I call myself queer, but they always call me a lesbian, which i just don’t think is very accurate. It doesn’t bother me too much, but I don’t know if I should correct them or just let it be. Do I wait to see if I ever date a guy and then do it?
A.
Archie: It sounds like your family is pretty great at showing up for you, so I think you could totally correct them and tell them it’s actually a bit more nuanced than what the term lesbian means (for you). If they stood behind you when you came out, my bet is that they’ll be willing to have conversations with you on what your queerness means for you. I’d recommend talking to a family member or two you’re closest with and getting them on your side and asking them to speak up for you as well – that way you’re not the only one fielding questions if people have them.
Q32.
Hi y’all, I came out to my conservative evangelical mom about 2.5 years ago. I’m bisexual and was dating a woman at the time; we kept dating and recently got engaged. My mom and I have been sort of walking on eggshells around each other. I’ve just been acting like everything is normal and have taken my girlfriend on family visits. I hoped that time, plus seeing us together, might make my mom rethink some of her homophobic views. My mom has been polite to my girlfriend, but hasn’t addressed my queerness directly (I think because I established a pretty clear boundary that it wasn’t up for debate).
After we got engaged, I emailed my mom to tell her the news. She waited two weeks to respond, then sent me an email saying she’s sad we aren’t close anymore and she would like to talk about how my thoughts and convictions have changed. I emailed her back and said I was sad she couldn’t be happy about my engagement, the way she’d been happy for my straight siblings when they got engaged. I said I was open to having a conversation, and asked what exactly she meant about my thoughts and convictions changing.
She responded last night, saying in part: “I love you. And I care about [fiancée’s name] too. I don’t condemn people who profess to have same sex attractions. Like all people, I know that they experience pain and brokenness.”
I’m trying to figure out the best way to respond. I want to set a clear boundary that my existence as a bi person and the validity of my feelings/attractions are not up for debate? But do it without, you know, yelling a lot? So obviously the first step is to take some time before responding. After that, any help you can offer about how to gently but firmly set that boundary would be amazing.
My mom expressed willingness to read books or articles I recommend, but I’m not sure where to start with that. I’m not really a Christian anymore, and noped out of the Christian “debate” about lgbt people while I was still a Christian, so I’m not sure what’s out there that would make sense to her. If any of y’all happen to have suggested reading for evangelical Christians on accepting queer people, that would be great too. If not, I’d really appreciate just general solidarity and advice on setting this particular boundary.
Anyway, this got really long. Thank y’all for reading and for everything you do. I almost never comment but I read this website literally every day.
A.
Rachel: I’m so sorry this is so hard — it’s incredibly painful to have to come up against the ways that even the people we love most, and who do love us as best they can, still don’t always see us as full people. Regardless of how your mom moves forward from here that’s something very difficult to heal or move on from, and I hope you’re able to give yourself time and space to acknowledge it rather than swallowing it so you can focus on project managing your mom’s feelings about queerness. I think based on the way you’ve written this question, I’m a little unsure of what your focus is here (and maybe you are, too). Is your goal to set boundaries around your mom’s behavior with you and your wife and what you’re willing to accept from her? Or is it to try to work with her to get to a different place, even if that comes at some personal cost to you in terms of labor and the internal emotional experience of watching your mom struggle with this stuff? Possibly both! I do think it might be helpful to be clear with yourself on what your desired outcome is and what’s a realistic expectation wrt it.
I think it’s perfectly okay and maybe even for the best for you to say to your mom something along the lines of the fact that she’s clearly struggling with this and you’re sorry to hear that, and that your relationship with her is important to you so you’re hopeful that she can work on her own time to figure out what her issue is so that she can be present in your relationship in a loving way. You could send her a link to resources; I guess my question around that is to what extent the gap with you and your mom is actually one of information/understanding of facts that education or resources would impact. Based on what you’ve described here, and her assertion that your ‘thoughts and convictions’ have changed based on seemingly nothing, it feels more like it may be that your mother has decided the daughter she knows wasn’t queer and you are somehow a different person than she thought, and she is angry and upset about it. If you have the emotional availability for it, you could speak to that fear and let her know this is who you have always been, and nothing has changed, and it’s important to you that she’s in your life so you’d like her to work on getting on board with that fact, and that you’re available to explain it to her if she has questions or needs reassurance. At the end of the day, though, the painful truth is that it’s up to your mom whether she’s willing to let go of her belief system and fears around this and decide that a relationship with you is more important than what they mean to her, and I think the most honest and kind thing you can do for both of you is try to communicate that.
Mika gives really good advice
Q.20 Couples that both proposed: My husband and I had been friends for years before we started dating, a few months after my divorce was official. So when we were talking about dating I said I really value our friendship and if being a couple works for us, I am hoping this will lead to marriage. But I really, really, really never want to get divorced again. So I don’t want to rush this, and I’m afraid that if you ask me to marry you before I’m really ready, I might quash some reservations and say yes even if I really shouldn’t yet. If I’m the one who proposes, I won’t do it til I’m sure I’m ready. Can we agree on that?
Him: OK, that makes sense, but if you get to propose marriage, can I be the one to propose dating?
Me: Seems only fair.
Him: [half-second pause] Can we date? I wanna date!
Me: Yes, let’s!
And after a couple years of being very happy together and me doing a load of Processing My Feelings And Whatnot trying to wring every lesson I could out of the feast of misery that was my way-too-long first marriage, we were cuddling in bed very late one night and I was trying to get up my nerve to decide that I would at some point propose.
Him: [after a long silence] Something on your mind?
Me: …uh…how did you know?
Him: Your breathing changed.
Me: [sigh of relaxation feeling so paid-attention-to, like, ok, I can trust this] Yes. …Will you marry me?
So we both got to propose, and even though there’d been a lot of communicating about where we were and where we were heading, there was still spontaneity and surprise for both of us. I had not planned on getting engaged that night! :)
If you are having conversations and both feeling good about it, then relax, it will all turn out fine. You got this.
As a matrimonially-disinclined person, this was goddamn adorable.
Q22: I have also seen a therapist who I felt just slightly off about. She was cishet and really wasn’t able to give me the gender and sexuality perspective I needed, and I ended up ghosting by not rescheduling. I felt shitty about it and like I should’ve been honest with her, but she also didn’t reach out to me to see if I wanted to reschedule/if I was okay. so I don’t think you should feel guilty about that at all. also, at a different time in my life, I saw the same therapist as my mom. that was… not an ideal situation and I would not repeat it or recommend it.
one of the best things about therapy is that you get to construct the whole narrative. you’re the main character, you introduce all the supporting cast and what their role is in your life. go forth, find a new therapist, and prosper!!
Also, 10/10 for those nonbinary femme posts! The roundtable and the s.e. smith articles are so so helpful and validating. thank you question asker and thank you AS for putting these necessary materials in front of my face
wow i could have written like, 3 of these questions. Great advice!
Q27: I wanna throw out another side to the answer, if your girlfriend is asking for something (you to not host a person who you had previously had sex with whenever you hosted) I think that warrants some conversation. It might be that she needs some time getting comfortable being exclusive and meeting this person before she can soothe her feelings about them staying at your house.
As someone who would have insecure/squiggy feelings about a new partner letting someone spend a weekend in their apartment who they have hooked up with in the near past, if they said no to my request that they not do that for a bit I would feel really invalidated & de-prioritized? Obviously if she continues to make requests like this that is another question but in this instance I would give some space to her feelings.
Agree! I think as long as it isn’t super inconvenient to the friend, it is a nice gesture to your girlfriend to see if your friend can find somewhere else (at least the first time they visit!) Not the same as a previous hook-up, but I always appreciated that my while I was dating a previous girlfriend she checked in with me about my comfort level with her reconnecting with her ex. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust her, but it affirmed the importance of our relationship that she made me feel prioritized. (And she did reconnect and become friends w/her ex and that was great for her!)
I am thirding my agreement! I don’t actually think it’s a red flag for your exclusive partner to be uncomfortable — i know i trust my gf 200% and I would still feel really really stressed about this!
Q6: I personally have recently made a concerted effort to listen to podcasts and read books etc. from my home country to help myself feel less lost and found it to be very helpful. I spend a few minutes every day immersed in the political discourse there and I have found it really helps to be in that reality for a while even as I can’t really talk to other people about it (it bores them and/or requires so much contextualising as to be impractical). I don’t know if this will work for you, but perhaps it is worth trying :)
“closure is a myth” is so good, wowowow
Q10. The short answer to your question is, straight people don’t spend a lot of time wondering if they’re gay. Oh sure, maybe the thought crossed their mind, but then they realize that nope, their feelings are completely validated by the outside world!
Long answer: I was also raised Catholic and didn’t accept my gay self till I was 31! So yes, it happens! I never “got” what was the big deal about boys and never wanted to kiss them. As an adolescent, I made up crushes on boys so I’d have a name to drop during Truth or Dare. (My girlfriend, who also came out at 31, admitted to the same thing.) Like you, we each had one long-term relationship with a man. I think being in a relationship felt safer than trying to date. When I found a nice guy, I stayed with him for years and even married him, despite the lack of attraction.
After coming out, I noticed some strange habits that had probably developed out of repression… for example, one day I was gazing out my apartment window, saw a pretty lady, and instinctively averted my eyes. I realized what I’d just done and forced myself to look back and check her out. I have no idea how long I’d been doing that. For me, all that Catholic repression and guilt runs deep. Looking back, I think being gay was always a part of who I was.
How to not make a mess of everything… honesty is a fine policy, but remember that you don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t have to share or explain your feelings if you don’t want to. I recommend undersharing whenever possible. Most people will get it if you simply drop a female pronoun into the conversation, and they’ll be too polite or awkward to ask you anything else. You asked about labels, and I don’t think you have to pick one right now (or ever.) I rarely have someone directly ask me how I identify. They just know that I have a girlfriend.
I really wish you the best. I think you sound like a younger version of me and I just want to tell you that whatever happens, YOU are great just as you are!
So much asexual/ace representation with these questions, and I’m so here for it!
I will admit I was the question-asker who was falling harder for their unrequited crush/exercise buddy. It’s been about a month since I submitted the question, and things actually just got easier and easier after that point. It turned out that spending so much positive time together in a very explicitly platonic way helped my romantic feelings fade faster than I think they would have if I’d distanced myself and pined for them or for the time we could have spent together. I appreciate the advice, but things ended up working out wonderfully without it!
In response to the asker who isn’t sure when to bring up their ace identity when dating/online dating: personally, when I have dating app profiles, I always explicitly identify as asexual on them. I’m sure it reduces the number of people who decide to express interest in me, but it makes me feel much more comfortable to know that anyone that does reach out/respond has at least a minimum acceptance of my asexuality. I do wait, though, to describe the specifics of how I experience my asexuality, though. I don’t want my future relationships to include any kissing, and I feel scared/ashamed to be upfront about that. So I’ve sorta decided that that will be an end of the second date conversation, so we’ve confirmed a certain amount of interest in each other first…Haven’t actually had any second dates since I realized I was ace, so I haven’t tried out that process yet…Altogether, I think you are totally justified coming out as ace immediately or holding off to make sure the other person is worth it. I wish you the best of luck!
“It turned out that spending so much positive time together in a very explicitly platonic way helped my romantic feelings fade faster than I think they would have if I’d distanced myself and pined for them or for the time we could have spent together.”
This happened to me and I too was surprised! I feel like when I have a crush and there’s potential for it to be returned, hanging out more can intensify those “will they/won’t they” feelings, but if it’s a solid no from them then hanging out as friends can actually help me adjust to thinking of them platonically. Feelings are weird!!
Q5: I also have a friend from way back who used to be progressive and feminist, and has since become an anti-choice, anti-vax, prepper conspiracy theorist. I live far away now so it hasn’t been that hard for me to distance myself, but even so I totally understand the feelings of sadness and anger and guilt and worry for their mental health. I agree with the advice given that you are totally within your rights to walk away from this situation. The fact is that you’re unlikely to be able to change her mind about anything and recover the friendship you once had, and stringing along any relationship out of a sense of obligation rather than genuine connection is never a good thing for either person.
Q20: no advice but my spouse and I never proposed to each other. We decided on getting married and just planned a wedding and did it. I still get a little frustrated about it because I said I wanted a proposal but in a lot of ways this relationship has been 10 years of the least romantic and sexually tepid (oh I HOPE no one I know can connect this back to me) time with another person I could have imagined. But we have somehow met each others’ needs over that time. No advice, but yeah, complete lack of surprise here but completely on brand for our relationship.
Q29 OMG this totally happened to me! Like a lot of people I came out to my parents a few times. My mom came out to me either 10 or six years after I came out to her depending on how you count. She has always had little tact and can be a little unpleasant just in general as a person, and before she told me she had made her opinion about my sexuality known very clearly. It was a very similar situation, she told me about her relationship with a woman. Then the best way I could characterize it as she said she learned better or figured out the right way to do things. I mean… therapy. You can’t change other people. Just sending sympathy. I understand the weight that this carries, and how much it has probably caused my mom to act in a much more toxic way in my situation.
Q8: This letter writer sounds like my terrible, selfish, ex who dated me and faked a whole relationship. We exclusively hooked up/dated for 8 months and her and her ex were broken up before we even met. She admit she lied to me about why she broke up, and has continued to be a liar and always was a liar. Basically, she was not over her toxic relationship with her ex.
Here is what I glimpsed from that situation: maybe your friends won’t drop her because it is you creating the problem. So, better to move on and focus on yourself as you have been doing. Second, just let go and move on. You’re not over it because you spend so much time focused on this person and obsessing over them. Again, based on my experience best to accept the memories as past and look toward a brighter future without this person.
Q17 — my gf and I had a similar issue!! I wanted more sex than her, and she started feeling really guilty about it and got super upset about it UNTIL we started talking about it regularly and it turned out she was always happy to get me off and/or I could masturbate, and now we VERY LITTLE STRESS ABOUT IT, so i highly highly recommend talking about it? Because us not talking about made everything really emotionally fraught and stressful, but us talking about it meant that we could laugh about it, masturbate, and move on.
I think we need an open thread on gender neutral parent terms. The struggle is real, y’all. My partner and I have been trying to come up with some new terms for 4 months and we have nothing.
im in a lot of non-binary social media groups and i’ve seen varitions on “Ren_” as an option that seems cute to me (ren from paRENt). So: Renny, Rena, Renren, Renmo, etc.
Or, taking a parent’s name and making a nickname from that (maybe Rosemy if your name is Rose?)
whatever works for you both! and who knows, maybe your kiddo will come up with some adorable nickname for you on their own (bc lets face it, kids cant really say anything right when they first start talking, lol)
Q32: Nadia Bolz-Weber’s wonderful book “Shameless” is an incredible exploration of the intersections of sexuality and Christian faith. I am in the process of coming back to faith after many years without it, and this book was hugely helpful in making me feel like being a lesbian and being a person of faith were not incompatible (in fact, it made queerness feel like a holy gift—something that could actually bring me closer to faith, rather than keeping me outside of it).
Q28.
i dont have any advice but just wanted to say im totally in the same boat. I’m a top leaning switch (and was even before i joined autostraddle and learned what those words mean) and for the first time i’m with someone who very strongly identifies as a bottom. So im getting to flex and expand my more dominant side, which is great, but also trying to navigate how i get to get off too when im more used to simply switching than telling someone to fuck me the way i want. Thanks for the advice archie and al, will definitely start incorporating such things.
Q10: I totally could have written this!!! “I’ve never been the type of person who’s been “really into” guys. When other girls were getting all boy-crazy in middle school, I wondered what the big deal was. I’ve wondered a few times in my life whether or not I might be gay, but [was raised in IN] so I pretty much squashed any questioning immediately. . . . I’ve been on dates here and there with men, but I felt more like I was dating out of obligation than anything else. I don’t look forward to dating and frankly have felt no attraction to any of the men that I went on dates with or that I’ve come across on a variety of platforms. When I contrast my dating life with my friends, I wonder how they can consider dating fun. What am I missing?” I didn’t have a relationship with a man but instead a very warped crush situation along the lines of “this man is tolerable and therefore he is my only option and I will make it work no matter what.” By 22, after being in CA for 4 yrs, I was more consciously questioning but the voice of my right wing community at home said that if I dated a woman I could never ‘go back because what kind of man would want a woman who ___’ so I thought I had to like, exhaust all the man options to really be suuuurrrreeeee (which besides being utter self-destructive nonsense is also biphobic but I didn’t know). Luckily a friend knocked that nonsense out of me, and made space for it to be ok to maybe be pansexual and not decide anything yet and that was really helpful to me. I didn’t come out until after I was pretty deep in a relationship with a woman and even then I was just like “I’m dating her. And that is all I have to say and all you need to know.” Queer ppl and the people who care most about me, save 2, didn’t ask me for a label (one friend did and I was just like “I don’t know” and she was fine with that, and my dad didn’t handle it too gracefully but what’s new). Then at one point, maybe 24 or so, I was like ‘oh! I have just fallen into using ‘queer’ to refer to myself and it’s no big deal!’
As for: “Was this always a part of who I am and I’m just now realizing it? Can people at my age realize that they’re gay, even if they have been in a relationship with the opposite gender before? Does this make me bisexual? How do I explore this further without making a big mess out of everything? ” I had ALL these qs at 23 in the Bay Area surrounded by ppl who had been out since middle and high school and I felt behind and confused (which is different & I’m super glad Katie covered that people ~30 DO realize they’re gay). But just wanted to validate these other questions and say your story is your own to explore and experiment with and we all have multiple truths. You don’t need to pick a label for your past self or your current self. You don’t have to tell other ppl labels. You can just notice what feels good and do more of that :) I’m SO EXCITED for you to learn more about what feels great for you & for you to do more of that!