feature image via Getty Images/ IURII KRASILNIKOV
Welcome to the 64th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.
Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed, like this one! Next month’s theme is: SKINCARE AND BEAUTY. Get those questions into the A+ Priority Contact Box by Monday, August 8th so that we have plenty of time to answer them!! Thank you so much.
The general Into the A+ Advice Box, where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.
So, now, let’s dig in!!
Q1:
My partner still isn’t over their ex from 4+ years ago. I’m tired of feeling like I’m constantly being compared to her, like I am the “I guess since I can’t have her I’ll settle for this right now” person. A few months ago I asked my partner “what if” this person was suddenly an option for you again, and they shut it down in a way that in the moment made me feel ok, but looking back, it’s more like they didn’t want to talk about it because the emotions were too much and now I’m uneasy about it.
We have been together for over three years and I do love them, but I’m not down to be with someone who is obviously pining for someone else, someone who was “sure” about their ex but still isn’t about me, despite how long we’ve been together and what we have gone through.
Advice on where to go from here?
A:
Heather: This is going to sound so harsh and I am so sorry, but if your partner isn’t over their ex from over four years ago, I don’t think you should be with them. How in the world can they expect you to feel secure in your attachment to them when they’re pining for someone else they broke up with all that time ago? How can you plan a future with someone so focused on their past with someone else? Plus! The last four years have been more like 20 years, so by my math, that’s two decades to get over it and move on. They are not being fair to you, and if you do decide to stay and work it out, I think you need to throw down a very serious gauntlet and tell them you INSIST on them getting some kind of professional help to move on. They should have already done that, but they haven’t, so. I’m so sorry you’re living in this quicksand situation. You deserve the full adoration and respect of the person you’re partnered with, and this does not feel very respectful to me.
Himani: So, I recognize that I don’t know the full circumstances of your relationship and maybe your partner treats you well in other ways that you didn’t share, but what you did share was something that indicates a pretty foundational breach in what is supposed to be a loving relationship. Ultimately, I think you need to center yourself as you think about how you want to move forward. Your partner may have their reasons for why they are still pining for their ex from four years ago, and maybe you understand those reasons and even think they’re justified. But, at the end of the day, I think you need to ask yourself if this is really what you want out of a relationship? Do you want to be compared to your partner’s ex all the time? Do you want to be made to feel like you’re second best, the person that someone else is “settling” for? Is that better than, say, leaving this situation and being single or holding out hope that you’ll find someone else who loves you first and foremost? How long are you willing to wait for your partner to “move on” from their ex or feel “sure” about your relationship, given that you have been together for three years? And the thing is, maybe you can draw hard boundaries with your partner in terms of talking about their ex and, as Heather suggested, encourage them to seek out support in moving on from the past and focusing on their present. But I think, even in that scenario, you need to ask yourself what it would take for you to feel like your partner does really and truly love you, more than their ex? Is that something you can even trust in with this partner any more?
Vanessa: I agree with Heather and Himani, and most importantly, I agree with YOU. You write, “I’m not down to be with someone who is obviously pining for someone else, someone who was “sure” about their ex but still isn’t about me, despite how long we’ve been together and what we have gone through.” You’re not down with this. You know where to go from here.
Q2:
Hi! I have a question for the Breaking Up column: for the last 6 months or so, I have been dating someone great! We enjoy spending time together and are both really committed to honesty, clear communication, being kind to each other, and talking about our feelings/wants/needs. However, we’ve decided to stop dating and transition this relationship into a friendship, primarily because I’m moving across the country in the next month and neither of us is in a place to do long distance. I would love to hear advice about successfully transforming a dating relationship into a friendship. Tips and strategies? Things to be aware of and think about? Thank you all for your wisdom!
A:
Himani: I certainly can’t speak from experience on this one, but my main piece of advice to you would be: don’t force the friendship. Lesbian tropes aside, I think you need to make sure you both give yourselves however much space you need to reframe this relationship in each of your lives. For both of you, I think you’ll each need to take the time to reshape the rhythm of your lives without each other. Your life is about to be filled with newness: new places, new people, new events, new things to try. Maybe that is an exciting prospect that won’t leave you pining for your ex or maybe it’ll feel overwhelming at times and wishing you had someone close you could lean on. On the other end, your partner will be left to reclaim their current surroundings and communities as their own, without you, which is truly only something that happens through time spent alone or with other people, who are not you. Ultimately, in both cases, you will both need the time and space to build new connections and new relationships. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a place for each other in your lives, but it might be helpful to set a time a few months after you move to intentionally check in, so that you don’t fall back on each other out of habit or convenience, which really isn’t going to help either of you or any potential friendship, in the long run.
Sa’iyda: I’m going to echo what Himani said: don’t force a friendship. I was dating someone once and it was great for a few months, but she was leaving the country, and things were too new for us to even consider long distance. Agreeing to remain friends was easy since we genuinely liked each other and didn’t want to lose that connection. There wasn’t really a conversation about how we were going to do that, we just treated each other like you treat a friend. I will say, I waited a week or so before reaching out to give her some time to get settled. We’d message each other to say hi or comment on each other’s social media posts. If you want to be friends, you will find a way to make that happen that works for both of you. That was almost four years ago, and we’re still friends!
Vanessa: I think it’s going to be really helpful that you’re moving across the country. The times I’ve been most successful in being friends with an ex is A) when one of us have physically moved away and B) when things hadn’t been too serious. So I think you’re in a good place! The main tip I would offer is making sure you REALLY want to be friends with this person. Sometimes that’s a story we tell ourselves because it feels mean to admit that if we’re not dating someone we don’t really want them in our lives, but that is an okay way to feel for a variety of reasons. It sounds harsh, but there are plenty of reasons to not want to make the effort to keep plenty of people in your life. So, first of all, make sure you legit want to be friends with this person even if you can’t be in a relationship. Next up, set boundaries! You can talk about these boundaries with your new friend or you can just affirm them with yourself. Some boundaries I find useful: no flirting (at least for a while), no sending nudes (again, at least for a while), no deep conversations about new dates, and no verbal pining/”I wish we were still together pookie cinnamon bun!!!!” This is not to say you can never go back to these things with this person (probably best to retire the cutesy nicknames forever, but you know, you do you) it’s just good to give your new connection (a friendship) some time to solidify and reach easy stable ground. I flirt with tons of my friends, but if I’d just broken up with someone I’d want to make an effort NOT to flirt with them because we’re forging a brand new connection and we want to create that intentionally. I think the best way to avoid hurt feelings is for both you and this person to be very clear on your new FRIENDSHIP and then see how it feels from there. Good luck!
Q3:
How do I stop being scared of getting broken up with and just enjoy being in a (healthy, stable, loving, and good) relationship?
A:
Himani: Personally, when it comes to fear, I’ve found that sometimes it’s helpful to interrogate it. What exactly is it that you’re afraid of? Is there something in your relationship — a particular dynamic, something that was said, past history on your part or your partner’s — that is fomenting this fear? That’s not to say that you should give into your fears or let them control you, but sometimes, I find, that trying to understand where the fear is coming from helps me parse out the things I can do something about from the leaps of faith I have to be willing to make in order to keep moving through life.
For instance, maybe your fear is rooted in some previous trauma, from your childhood or a previous relationship or both. Knowing that and naming that can be helpful in two ways. First, it can help you see if there are things in the present that cause those fears to flare up and, if so, if there are reasonable ways you can mitigate those things or ask your current friends/partner/etc to support you. And second, it can also help you remind yourself and separate yourself, how much of the fear you feel in the present is actually rooted in the past, which can help you soothe yourself sometimes when you’re starting to feel afraid or anxious.
And then, maybe there are things that are really specific to the present that you need to face. Maybe there are certain things that are happening in your relationship that are causing you to feel unsettled — things that have come up or continue to come up in disagreements or the like. And maybe, if that is also creating this fear that you’re going to get broken up with, you need to talk about that explicitly and openly with your partner.
The truth is, it’s never going to be a clear cut either / or. There will probably be some combination of past and present combined that are causing you to feel this way, and it won’t be easy to parse out how much can actually be addressed in the present versus how much of the past you need to continue to process on your own. But I think that starting by really asking yourself what things, specifically, your fears are grounded in is the first step in learning to be able to live in the present with all its uncertainties.
Ro: Breakups suck, but if that happens, you can still be a happy, fulfilled, stable person on the other side once you’ve given yourself time to heal. If that doesn’t feel possible for you (i.e. if your happiness and security is fully tied being with your partner), then it’s time to take some steps towards building confidence and independence. Spend more time alone. Invest in your friendships. Write out a list of goals and figure out how to reach them. If you can find happiness within yourself and can rely on support from a variety of sources outside of your relationship (your friends, your family, a therapist), then the idea of going through a breakup probably won’t feel so catastrophic, and hopefully, you’ll be able to appreciate your relationship as one positive asset in a full and invigorating life.
Meg: Something that helps me sometimes is looking clearly at the truth of a relationship, rather than letting projection, assumptions, or anxieties take over. Even the most loving relationships include moments of tension, miscommunication, or frustration, but I think especially for those of us with relationship trauma or who have endured really difficult breakups, it’s easy to let something small or unspoken grow and fester into something else, something that may not be completely rooted in reality.
Himani and Ro have already given you some excellent suggestions on interrogating fear and building a full life for yourself, but I think it can also be useful to have a self-check-in practice when you feel fear or dread taking over, and asking yourself some simple questions like: Where is this feeling coming from? Is it based on something that was explicitly and clearly said out loud by my partner, or am I turning a look, a gesture, a pause, into a massive assumption about what they may be thinking or feeling? Is this something that could be resolved or clarified with a conversation? Taking a beat when you find yourself in that kind of a spiral, and if needed, bringing in your partner to shine a light on a point of tension, will hopefully help you address the fear in the moment instead of allowing it to grow and fester in the dark.
Vanessa: I know I’m like, always banging this drum, but DBT therapy has really helped me work through anxiety and remain grounded and peaceful in my life! I find that fear in general (about breakups, about medical procedures, about the future, etc) usually spikes for me when I’m feeling overwhelmed and anxious in general, and once I started taking Sertraline and participating in weekly DBT groups, I was able to bring a sense of calm to many things in my life. That’s not to say meds or therapy is a cure all, but I do think finding some things (whether they’re specifically meds/therapy or something else like meditation, exercise, etc) that help ground you as a whole will help you be a little less activated around this specific fear. <3
Q4:
A queer friend recently told me that she opposes Roe v Wade and doesn’t believe people have a right to abortions. I’m going to talk to her (calmly and civil-like) later to understand exactly where she’s at but she implied she believes life begins “pretty near to conception.” We’re pretty close friends – I was one of her bridesmaids. How much should I try to still be friends with her? Or should I vote her off the island entirely? Also: does this warrant a whole friend-breakup Talk, or do I just let this one fade away?
A:
Casey: It is absolutely VERY valid to end a friendship with someone because you do not have shared values. It’s one of the most important things in any relationship, friendship or otherwise. I also don’t think you “should” be friends with anyone for any reason other than you want to be friends with them. Are you wondering if it’s worth talking to her in hopes that she’ll change her mind? You can trot out a bunch of logical arguments, even ones that don’t directly oppose her (mistaken) belief and the familiar ones that discuss extreme examples of sexual assault or ectopic pregnancy. But the thing is, you can’t argue logically with illogic, which is what believing life begins at conception is.
I, personally, would have a friend breakup talk with her, and let her know explicitly how hurtful and oppressive her view is to you and people you love, and for that reason you cannot have her in your life anymore. I’m not great at confrontation so I’d probably do it in written form, but maybe that’s not what works best for you! If we’re being super optimistic, maybe the emotional weight of losing a close friend will move her to think about her belief. But I wouldn’t count on it!
Do you have other mutual queer friends with this person that you can chat with / perhaps brainstorm together on approaching this friend breakup? It would be great if you didn’t have to go through this alone. đź’ś
Himani: Personally, I could not be friends with someone whose values completely undermine the rights and humanity of myself and other people. It’s one thing to believe that for oneself, they would not want to have an abortion because they wouldn’t feel right about it for their own moral/ethical/religious/whatever reasons; it’s quite another to say that no one else is allowed to make that decision for themselves. And, it’s also willful ignorance (at best) to deny the resounding effect anti-abortion policies have and will continue to have on people who are and/or want to be parents.
For what it’s worth, I think it’s up to you whether you talk to her explicitly about this or just let the friendship fade away. As Casey said, there’s no reasoning with illogic, and so I’m not sure how much of anything you say as to why you no longer want to be friends will actually resonate with this person. If this is someone you still talk to fairly regularly, it might be worth it to reach out and offer an explanation either in-person/on the phone or in a written format as Casey suggested. On the other hand, if this is someone that you only check-in with intermittently, I also think you could just let this relationship fade. Really, it comes down to how much time and energy you want to invest into this, and that’s ultimately a personal decision. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong here.
Nicole: I think that, from a perspective of changing this person’s mind, that maybe the best lesson for her in this case is to realize that other people whose opinion she might value [if she wants to be your friend] aren’t going to politely ignore her oppressive and outright harmful beliefs and aren’t going to want to associate with her unless she does some work (okay, maybe a lot of work). I think a lot of people with beliefs like this rely on others being too afraid to call them out or too polite to challenge them on it. A kind of “don’t talk politics” stance doesn’t serve us. There’s also tons of anecdotal evidence [apologies in advance for yahoo news’ ignorant use of Handmaid’s Tale-inspired illustrations in this — the article is informative] that even the most vehement anti-choice activists don’t really believe that no one should have access to abortion, especially when it comes to themselves. I just don’t believe that their beliefs actually hold up under pressure — like if your friend or someone close to her had an unwanted pregnancy, you know? She’d find a way to justify accessing abortions. So, then it becomes apparent that this is actually about a desire for control over others, among all the white supremacist belief systems that anti-choice beliefs are tied up in. It’s up to you if you do a friend breakup or let it fade away — because honestly, you have to factor in what you have the energy for and what will be worth it. I have to admit, this whole situation made me so frustrated on your behalf! If I found out a friend of mine actually thought this, I would feel betrayed and so confused. So, I also want to encourage you to hold space for any feelings you have. This is hard.
Q5:
I met a girl on an app, we texted ~3 mos. before meeting IRL due to school/job circumstances. By the time we made 1st date plans it felt like a distance relationship. Our chemistry translates well to real life. We start talking even more & hang out a bunch. It’s a big deal for me bc it’s my first time dating a girl (I’m 24 & bi but straight-passed for years) and my past romantic life is limited to not so nice guys & sexual trauma. I was hesitant to believe it’s even real bc of my past, but she confidently led the way. 2 weeks after our first date (and 2 days after making valentine plans) she says we can’t date anymore bc a friend professed their love for her & she doesn’t know what she wants. I shield her from the extent of how devastated I am. They’re gfs immediately. We stop talking entirely.
3 mos. later, she reaches out to me & we meet up. She’s been single like 2 weeks, regrets how things went, missed me the moment we stopped talking, apologizes, insists our connection was real & that I wasn’t just a placeholder BUT only wants to be friends. For 3 days she texts me the way she used to, then she makes out with someone at a bar in front of me, then we meet again about why this is a lot for me and I need space.
That was a month ago. She’s reached out a few times but otherwise gave me space. I want to be her friend bc I’m grateful for what I learned about myself, I’ve never felt this connection before, I’m happy when I’m with her & I don’t want her to forget me. But I worry she only wants to be friends bc she feels guilty, & that I’ll never stop wondering what could have been/hoping she’ll change her mind. Help? :(
A:
Casey: Wow, this is a lot and first of all good job on getting yourself out there to date a woman for the first time! It seems like she has really put you through the wringer and that is not fair to you. I’m sorry that this was your first lady-dating experience. I want to encourage you to think about what is best for you. You write that you want to be friends with her, but you also write that you are hoping she will change her mind about dating again. You’re also worried that she doesn’t truly want to be friends. This is not a good basis for a friendship!
I can reassure you it doesn’t seem likely she wants to be friends because of guilt: it would have been very easy for her to just remain out of touch and to not initiate communication with you. This doesn’t sound like someone who is forcing themselves to be friends with you. But, more importantly, I worry that the place where you’re at — still having romantic feelings for this person, hoping that she’ll change her mind and want to date again – is only going to result in you getting hurt. It can be so hard to let go of your first queer love. And it’s very possible that you’ll be able to be friends in the future once you’ve got some more distance. But now is not the time!
Himani: Please really consider how this person has treated you. She hasn’t been very thoughtful about your feelings, and it seems like she has selfishly strung you along a few times. Maybe she didn’t mean to hurt you, but the fact remains that she did — twice, and it’s not even clear to me that she understands that. If you haven’t already, I really encourage you to use this time and space to seek out other queer connections. Try finding meetups or queer events where you live and making more friends that way before reconnecting with this particular person. In addition to building more friendships in the community, I think having many relationships can also help us gain some perspective on how we’ve been treated by others and whether we want to be treated that way again.
Vanessa: Oh, babe. I so strongly recommend NOT pursuing a friendship with this person. I don’t think she’s “bad” — I don’t know enough about her, and I think people are rarely all good or all bad — but I think it’s possible that being close with her could be bad FOR YOU. She sounds messy, and like Himani said, she hasn’t treated you very well thus far. I think your life will be more peaceful and you’ll be more likely to find queer community and queer romance if she’s not in your life. I wouldn’t worry so much about what she wants, but think about what YOU want. Ideally, that’s going to be a happy, easy, peaceful, drama-free existence. You don’t get that if you keep letting this girl in. Cut her off and move on. You can do it!
Q6:
My first breakup happened in 2019 (genuinely all my firsts happened in that 4 yr relationship, including 1st time getting cheated on at the end). I was doing relatively well after: lots of working on myself, new hobbies, friends, traveling, etc and in 2020 I thought I was finally open to a new serious relationship and to be vulnerable with someone else. In short, I wasn’t, but I’m not sure how much of it was just the wrong person or my sudden pandemic anxieties/trusting someone outside my household; we dated for maybe half a year and broke up very amicably.
Anyway, I’m thinking of relationships again even though I still have most of the same covid anxieties, but time has passed so weirdly I find myself still sometimes thinking about that first breakup. Like do I now have sky high walls and a fear of intimacy/letting someone in enough to possibly be devastated? Any general advice? I want to fall in love again but I also feel kind of unable to (like genuinely how am I supposed to live laugh love in these conditions?)
A:
Heather: I’m so sorry you had your heart broken, friend. I find it incredibly admirable that you were able to open it up again, even though you experienced another break-up, especially because you were mature enough — even during this very hard time, and after being so hurt — to handle it with grace and amicability. First, I want to validate your question: how am I supposed to live laugh love in these conditions? Because, seriously, how? I think about this every single day. No joke. At least once a day, I have to give myself a ‘climactic moment in a sports movie-style pep talk’ to just keep moving and working and doing my chores and cooking dinner. But! If you really think about it, people have been opening themselves up to falling in love in terrible times throughout the course of human history. It certainly cannot be easy! But there’s something so resilient about the human spirit, and something so deeply rewarding about connecting with other humans who remind us of what’s live-laugh-lovable even in these scary times. It’s a fair worry, of course, but there’s a precedent there! Love doesn’t conquer everything, but it does shine a little light in the darkness! Second, I want to reiterate what I said about resilience. You know you can survive heartbreak because you’ve done it, and, if you pursue another relationship, you’ll have some context if things start to go sideways, plus the knowledge that you made it through before. You’re probably stronger, braver, wiser, and even more discerning than you realize, after everything you’ve been through. Literally everyone brings the baggage of heartbreak with them into relationships; you’re not alone there. I also think that this pandemic has likely changed you in more ways than you know, and so dating now will be a completely different experience than it was before. I think, for so many of us, we’ve been distilled to our very cores, and it’s likely you’re going to meet someone who has been through things so similar to you. It would probably be nice to share those burdens. Whatever you decide, I think you’re rad as all heck, and I wish you all the love and luck in the world!
Himani: Oh, my friend, how I can relate. Honestly, in some ways, I think the only way to be able to feel like you can be vulnerable with someone again and you can love again is to put yourself out there. The thing is (and now I’m going beyond your question), that is really so fucking hard right now. Dating is a nightmare, now more than ever, and I think pretty much everyone I talk to agrees on that point. (In fact, this feels like such a universal experience that Vox literally published an article last week about, essentially, how to not be an asshole while dating, and I truly do not believe this was just for the benefit of the straights….) It feels like a bit of a catch-22, quite frankly. Like, I can relate to what you’re saying about “feeling unable to love again” and yet, I feel like when I do try to put myself out there, I don’t even have a chance of being able to love because (a) people are ghosting all the time like everyday is Halloween or something, (b) people have no idea what they’re looking for, and (c) people all seem to have spent the past two years binging rom coms because I feel like everyone seems to think that if you don’t feel a “spark” in 1-2 dates that means there’s nothing there and so they should just move on (which brings us back to a…). So honestly, I don’t know what to tell you, and I’m mostly just here to commiserate with how you feel. I guess my general advice is that if you do decide to start dating right now, really be prepared to steel your heart as much as you can because it is truly a wild nightmare of a time to be dating.
Since the pandemic started two and a half years ago, I find myself also sometimes ruminating about my first break up (also in 2019, incidentally), but I think that has more to do with the circumstances of the pandemic itself than an inherent inability to move on or be vulnerable again. In terms of your question about “how to live laugh love in these conditions,” I think there’s a way in which it’s hard not to be stuck in the past right now, because no matter how hard or devastating it was, it still doesn’t feel quite as bleak as the present. Which I know is a big statement given that in 2019, in the U.S. at least, Trump was still president, but a global pandemic, multiple wars and the full casting off of the illusion of American democracy (coupled with the impending re-election of Trump or the like) really does give one a lot of perspective on just how bad things can really be… All that said, I personally think that part of living and loving through these times is being able to hold the darkness with the light and being really honest about that. One of the things that makes dating so hard these days is that everyone is way more raw than they were and they don’t know how to navigate that and so they run away and ghost, instead of honestly saying, “Hey, I’m sorry I’m feeling kind of down / overwhelmed / anxious / depressed today.”
And I think that starts outside of romantic relationships, actually. I think it starts with being honest with yourself about the things you’re struggling with on a day to day basis (which it sounds like you already are) and then from there, being open and honest with people you’re close to. At least the way I’m trying to look at the situation for myself right now, is to think about love more broadly. I may not be in a relationship, and I may not have that level of intimacy with another person no matter how much I want to or how hard I try, but that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been making myself vulnerable in other ways to my close friends and sisters in all this time. And all I can do is hope and trust that this means that whenever the dating stars align for me, I’ll have had enough practice in being vulnerable with the people currently in my life that I do love that I’ll be able to take that risk and that leap in the context of a romantic relationship if the opportunity ever arises again.
Q7:
Hi team! I have a breakup question. Things fell apart with someone at the end of last year, and we stopped being in contact. I was looking for that person to meet needs she couldn’t possibly meet, and between then and now I’ve righted my ship and that wouldn’t be an issue moving forward.
The thing is, I don’t even want anything romantic with that person anymore – but she has kids and I miss them *so much*. I’d known them for most of their lives and I spent more time with them during the pandemic than their own father and grandmother. I love them in a way I’ve never experienced before, and every day something happens that reminds me of them and I miss them and it hurts.
My question is: do I reach out? I know the general advice re: exes is “don’t,” and there is part of me that wants to just believe they’re all better off without me in their lives at all. When we were in touch, she would have been fine being friends and at the time, I couldn’t accept that; now I can, but is it too late to say so?
Walking around with this daily ache in the midst of my otherwise happy life is not my preference. Your wisdom is appreciated!
~Adrift
A:
Heather: Wow, it sounds like you have done some major and intense work on yourself, holy cats. And in the middle of a pandemic too. That’s seriously amazing, friend and you should be so proud of yourself. It sounds like you understand where things went wrong, and how you can make sure that specific thing doesn’t go wrong in the future, and also that you’re clear-eyed on what you’re missing from this relationship. I think the main thing you have to ask yourself, the thing that should inform every step you take when you consider reaching back out is: What’s best for the kids? They sound very cool and amazing, and it’s no wonder you miss them! But! The real hard question is: How are their lives without you in them? Would they be happier, safer, more well adjusted if you reappeared in their world? And if you do reappear, are you committed to being in their lives? In what capacity? And for how long? And what if your circumstances change? Like what if you meet another woman you fall in love with and she also has kids? Obviously, you’d want to trust their mom to make the best decision for them — but before you put her in the position to make any kind of decision about you and her kids, you should get really real with yourself about what’s best for them. When I was a kid, I would have loved to have amazing adults who weren’t my parents to help guide me and to cheer me on. I think it’s wonderful you love them so much. But also when I was a kid, I would have been devastated to lose the love and support of those imaginary extra adults. Like lifetime devastated probably. Missing your ex’s kids isn’t enough of a reason to reach back out, unfortunately. It’s gotta be about what makes their lives safer and better. Their feelings are the top priority!
Casey: 100% hard agree with Heather here! I’m a bit concerned that the original message didn’t bring up the issue of what would be best for these kiddos. Your feelings of missing them are VERY valid. I do not want to minimize that. But the fact that the kids’ wellbeing is not at the forefront of your mind when you’re thinking about getting back in touch with them and their mom says to me that you’re still not in the best place to be back in their lives.
IF, and that’s a big if, you feel ready to be friends with your ex again and that’s something you really want, getting in touch with her and spending some friend time with her only seems like the best first step. You might theoretically feel ready to be friends with her, but who knows how you’ll actually feel being with her in person, or maybe seeing her dating someone else. Start slow rekindling a friendship with her and make sure that there can be a solid basis of friendship between you two before you even approach seeing her kids.
Vanessa: I’m gonna be honest — my gut is telling me that you shouldn’t reach out. As Heather and Casey have mentioned, the kids and their wellbeing come first in this scenario, and while I really empathize with missing them and missing your relationship, it can be incredibly confusing for kids to have people come and go from their lives and they won’t necessarily have the skills or capacity to understand the nuance of relationships in the way you and your ex can. I would remain out of contact, and take this as a sign for what you might want in your future. It seems like you really valued your relationship with your ex’s kids, and maybe that’s useful info for including kids in your life in the future, whether that means having kids with a future partner, volunteering with kids, forming close bonds with other kids in your extended family or friend group, etc. I’m sorry you’re missing them so much, but I’m sending you love for the future happy life you build!
Darcy Everyone has brought up such good and important points! I just wanted to add an additional voice honoring what you had with these kiddos. I’m sorry for your loss. Knowing kids for a lot of their young lives, especially in kind of familial capacity, can be a really profound and lovely experience, and I’m glad you had it! I think you actually are thinking of the kids’ stability and well-being when you mention that you’re not sure it’s a good idea to try to reinitiate contact, and I do think it’s good to honor that specific impulse for now. It’s always possible that there will be a future where, after some time apart, if it felt sustainable and good to build a solid friendship with your ex, you might be able to have more casual contact with the kids, although a lot of things would have to go right over time for that to happen! For now, although you’ve already done a lot of work moving forward from your ex, it sounds like the next part of your journey will be to mourn and process and start to move forward from your caregiving relationship with those kids. Wishing you all the best. 💙
Where is the A+ priority contact box? Thank you :)