Welcome to the 59th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed! This month’s theme is simply: SEX. Send us your sex questions! Have you been keeping something to yourself? No more! We want to answer any question you have for us about SEX! Get those in by Monday, May 9.

The general Into the A+ Advice Box, like this one, where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

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Q1:

Does anyone have any advice for taking a friendship back a level?

I’ve had this friendship that has been a constant in my life since we were about 3 years old. Towards the end of high school became very close. We went to the same college, and after living in different states for a couple of years, now live in the same city.

For years, we were very close, and people would often be “shocked” if we didn’t show up to places together. But now, I just don’t know if I want to be her number one friend anymore. I realized that often times when I’m around her, I stifle myself and I find some of her behaviors extremely selfish. I’m working on being my true self and offering my actual opinions when we hang out. But I can’t shake the feeling that there needs to be a down grade of our “friendship level.”

I’m working on forming new relationships and building a community in this new city. I hesitate to mention new friendships I’m forming because she’s voiced to me that she fears “I’ll ditch her for other people” That’s held me back in the past from exploring things, but now I know that’s not fair to me.

I don’t want to completely lose the friendship, but I do feel like there needs to be new boundaries. I don’t know how to do that without blowing up the relationship. If I had these feeling with a girlfriend, I’d probably end things. When she uses terms like “bestie” I feel uncomfortable, slimy and like I’m keeping a secret from her when I don’t say it back. I do feel we are in different parts of life…she just got married and I’m still figuring things out. Is this just growing older?

Thanks so much in advance!

A:

Casey: Oof I feel you on this question. Changing relationships of any kind are so rough. Friendships I think are the hardest because for some reason we’re culturally taught that friendships should last forever and that friendship breakups are not really a thing or not a big deal. This is so not true!!

You write that if you had these types of feelings for a girlfriend, you’d probably end the relationship. Sadly I think this option might have to at least be on the table. But, I think your comparison is very helpful here. Looking at this friendship like you might a romantic relationship could help you decide what actions you want to take. Friendships are relationships that we have to work at and cultivate and nurture just like romantic relationships. If you want your friendship to be mutually beneficial and healthy for you and your friend, you need to be able to talk about stuff like new boundaries, again, just like you would in a romantic relationship. It’s not weird to do this with a friend, especially a good friend, it’s just not normalized!

Whether or not you can keep the friendship in a different capacity than the BFF thing you’ve had will depend on how talking to your friend goes. I know talking to your friend about this seems unbelievably hard and awkward. I would definitely go the route of at least initially discussing it not in person so she has some time to digest and think about what you’ve said rather than sharing her immediate reaction. You will probably hurt her feelings, even if you try to be as gentle as possible when you share where you’re at. She too, though, has hurt yours it sounds like with some of her comments about “ditching her.” If you can’t be on the same page in your friendship, maybe you can’t have the friendship at all, at least right now.

Think of it from her perspective: would you want someone you thought of as your bestie to stay friends with you while feeling like they wanted to downgrade the relationship and felt like claiming you as their bestie was a lie? As Ro wrote in response to another question below, sometimes breaking up with someone (even if it’s a friend in this case) is a kindness.

Vanessa: I think both you and Casey bring up an important point here: sometimes when we dial a relationship back, the relationship ends, whether that is our ultimate goal or not.

I really feel for you, and I have personally been in this situation a handful of times — where someone thinks we are closer than we are, and I disappoint them or hurt their feelings when I impose boundaries or initiate a conversation that indicates my own experience of our relationship. I think Casey’s final point (and Ro’s point that she’s referencing) is ultimately the most useful to think about when taking action here: ending a relationship where you don’t feel the same level of intensity as the other person IS kind to them. It can feel like we are enacting harm, but being honest about your boundaries and your feelings is a gift.

If you are hopeful that you really can just scale back the friendship rather than end it entirely, I would suggest imposing some boundaries and deciding yourself when you want to stand firm and when you feel you can be flexible. It’s possible your friend will respond well to those boundaries, and you may be able to shift the relationship into something more manageable to you without losing her entirely.

Q2:

I just moved to another city a few months ago and have been going to queer events/meetups to meet other queer folks.

I am 33 years old – where are all the people around my age at? I have met nice friends who are in the range of 23-25 and some over 40.

While I enjoy their company, it’s just different hanging out with people around my age to share experiences of our 20s and they actually get my references when I talk about things!

Hanging out with the 23-25 year olds is different – I have experienced a lot of what they are going through. They definitely have more energy than me and I find myself less interested in the “let’s party and get drunk every weekend” lifestyle.

I have also noticed this in the city I lived in before I moved to this one.
Help?

A:

Ro: Queer people in their thirties are pretty damn elusive, and you’re not alone in your friend-making struggles. And it makes sense that you’re struggling to relate to folks in the twenties. You’re in a different phase of life, and you deserve to have a group of buds who can relate to your experiences.

You might be able to find events that are specifically geared towards people in their thirties (some cities have those). If you’re out of luck in that department, here’s where the thirty-something queers are hiding in my city:

1. Sports teams – Not professional sports team — I’m talking about the “just for fun” and the “technically just for fun but kinda competitive” sports teams, some of which are officially queer and others that are queer by default (i.e. any adult softball league). I don’t have personal experience in this area, but I know a number of queer people in their thirties who play sports and have developed close friendships with their teammates. So if you consider yourself a Sporty Spice, play ball.

2. On dating apps – Turns out there are lots of people on Tinder and other dating apps who are really, truly “just here to make friends.” Make yourself a profile that clearly states your friend-making intentions and swipe away!

3. On friend-making apps – There are multiple friend-making apps out there, but the one I’m most familiar with is BumbleBFF. I created a profile and set the age range to people over thirty and found out that there are a LOT of queer people in my city who I’ve never met before. And it turns out that a lot of these people are feeling lonely and genuinely want to make friends, so they ACTUALLY RESPOND to my messages. Try it out!

Bonus Tip: Find a Gemini. If you can make friends with just one Gemini, they will introduce you to all of their friends and invite you to all of their many group hangouts and you will swiftly have not just one, but DOZENS of queer friends. Trust me — it works.

Vanessa: I love all of Ro’s suggestions, and I also empathize that for some reason finding queer people in their 30s can feel a little more challenging than finding younger or older friends. I have a few other suggestions, too. If you’re comfortable on social media, I’d do some searching on Instagram for folks in your area — depending on your network, you can even post some stories asking people you already know from other cities to connect you with people they’re friends with in your city. In Portland, for example, there are often events hosted by local queers — right now what comes to mind is an upcoming carwash and some upcoming farm dinners and outdoor concerts — that would allow for you to meet people of a wide age group, including thirty-somethings. I also found Lex to be genuinely useful for finding pretty much everything *except* casual sex, so I’d give it a try for finding friends, why not! Lastly, I’d encourage you to follow your hobbies. My girlfriend is a big gamer and she has been going to our local game shop to play Magic The Gathering recently, and while she has definitely made friends with a few 12 year old boys (lol) she has also made quite a few friends her own age (32!). What are you into? Knitting? Baking? Rock climbing? Swimming? Go to places where those things happen and check out the scene. Even if you don’t make some pals that way, at least you’re doing stuff you like on your quest! Good luck out there! (Also, while a Gemini is certainly a great option, I’d say finding just ONE FRIEND, regardless of their zodiac sign, will usually bring many more, as they can fold you into their group whether they’re a Gem, a Leo, an Aries, etc etc. You got this!)

Q3:

After years of trying different suggestions and couple’s therapy, my wife has finally realized she’s asexual. We’ve agreed to an open relationship on my end so I can have my sexual needs met outside of our relationship. My question is… where do I start? I’ve never been on apps and have no idea how to discuss our relationship layout, and the articles I’ve read on polyamory are geared towards couples or singles, and say one-sided polyamory is doomed to failure. Are there any resources out there for someone like me?

A:

Ro:
This response has been edited to remove a book recommendation due allegations of abuse from multiple partners of one of the book’s authors. Thank you to the A+ members who alerted us!
You and your partner are not alone — there are other people who there who are in poly/mono relationships or one-sided open relationships, but those relationships can only work when both partners are enthusiastically on board. Sometimes couples think that opening their relationship will solve a difference in values, but I can assure you, that’s not going to happen. Others believe that an open relationship will be an easy way to make sure one or more partners are getting their needs met, and I can also assure that open relationships are definitely not easy. Open relationships require a LOT of clear, consistent communication and negotiatio, especially in the early stages. If you and your partner are up for that and, again, if you’re both enthusiastically invested in this endeavor, read on.

If you’re still seeing a couples therapist and they have experience working with couples who have non-traditional relationship structures, try coming up with your relationship agreements with your therapist’s oversight. Reworking the terms of your relationship can feel really scary, and having a mental health professional present can make those conversations feel a little safer. If your therapist doesn’t have experience working with people open relationships, find someone else who does.

In the meantime, the book Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships has a section on poly/mono and one-sided open relationships. My favorite poly/open relationship resource is Linked: A Polyamory Zine, which covers the very important subject of power dynamics and desirability/privilege in poly/open relationships, but unfortunately, it looks like it’s sold out right now. It’s been a while since I’ve read these, so I’m not sure if these resources specifically cover asexual/allosexual partnerships, but if not, I think some of the advice should still apply to you and your partner. This list offers even more options.

What if you and your partner open your relationship, rework your agreements a few times and it still sucks? What if one of you digs non-monogamy and the other feels miserable? That doesn’t mean you failed. It just means that you and your partner have different needs that you can’t compromise on. If that’s the case, then it’s best to end the relationship. You both deserve to have your needs met.

Vanessa: I co-sign all of Ro’s advice, most specifically that while YES, it is totally possible for your relationship to work, also YES, it is a lot of work and both members must be very enthusiastically on board. The only thing I wanted to add that Ro hasn’t already addressed is that there are actually one on one coaches who work with non-monogamous people, and you might be interested in finding someone like that who can work with you and your wife, or even just you, to figure things out as you move through the beginning of this new relationship structure. DaemonumX, the author of Linked (the zine Ro suggested, which I also adore) used to do work like this, although she is currently on hiatus because of burn out. Perhaps your current therapist could recommend someone specifically suited for this work, or maybe some of the books Ro suggested have resources for this, too. The other thing I want to say (okay, I had two things to add, lol) is that anecdotally I can say a very common theme with opening up a relationship is making mistakes at first, learning from accidentally hurting someone’s feelings, etc. This is NOT to say you shouldn’t do it, it’s NOT to say monogamy is better, it’s none of that – it’s just anecdotal evidence from both my attempts at non-monogamy and my friends’ non-monogamous experiences. It is not a relationship style most of us grew up learning, and as such, it requires practice. I guess I just want to affirm that if things are hard at first, that’s okay. And if you decide it’s not for you, that’s also okay. But if you decide it is for you, it may take a while for both you and your wife and your future dates/lovers/partners/etc to get the hang of it, and that’s okay! You have lots of options and they’re all totally okay. You just need to take the first step and see what happens next.

Q4:

I’m about to be 29, which I know is relatively young, but I often find myself overcome by melancholy because I thought there would be more to life than this. I was labeled “gifted” as a kid and definitely grew up thinking I would do something amazing and creative with my life. Like, I’d write an award-winning novel or tour the country as a comedian, or something else equally ridiculous and improbable. Over the last few years, I’ve really worked to find contentment within my ordinary life (and I’ve read books like Rainesford Stauffer’s An Ordinary Age and Oliver Burkeman’s 4000 Weeks), but well, the melancholy isn’t going anywhere. Whenever I find a work of art that I love—like a book or a TV show—I take a deep dive into the creator’s body of work… which inevitably leads me to compare my artistic trajectory to theirs. And then I question all of the projects I’m currently working on and obsess over their flaws and wonder what the hell I’m doing. I really admire artists with a very specific style and POV, but I have no idea how to find my specific style or POV, and I can’t seem to commit to a particular art form or genre, and all of this reinforces my fear that I’ll never get anywhere or create anything enduring. And then I get annoyed with myself because it’s so self-aggrandizing to WANT to create something enduring. How do I break this cycle of negative self-talk and comparison and envy? How do I discover my voice? How do I accept that time is finite? How do I decide between the many different paths and mediums I could choose? How do I find meaning in a life that may never resemble my hopes and dreams?

A:

Heather: Well, first of all, I want you to know that you are not alone in asking these questions. Almost everyone I know asks these questions. If you read the biographies or journals of your favorite artists, I’ll bet they were asking them too.

I think the most important thing you can do right now is acknowledge that you’re asking two different kinds of questions here. You’re asking pragmatic questions, like: How do I find my voice, my medium, an audience, etc.? How do I do that while tamping down internal negativity? And you’re asking existential questions about the legacy of your finite time here on earth. So that requires two types of answers and I’m going to aim at the existential one first.

When you pictured yourself in these situations where you were making world-renowned art, what deep desire did that vision ping inside you? Was it being famous? Was it the praise, the way they cheered your name? Was it the feeling of success? Of revenge? Of justification? Was it knowing you’d be remembered far outside and beyond yourself? Was it knowing you made people laugh? That you helped humans connect? That you changed the perspective of anyone who encountered your work? Be for really really real with yourself and figure out what you actually wanted when you were dreaming of that tour, that award. Then! Once you have a handle on what’s driving that desire, seek it out. You want praise? (I do!) (We all do!) Well, find a smaller group of people than a concert hall and share your art with them. Queer people love to hype each other up; it’s one of the best things about us. And go from there. Was it the actual award? Start small and enter a local competition. And go from there.

Figure out what you really want, take a small step toward it, bask in that serotonin; then take a second, bigger step; and on and on.

And then, the practical: There is literally only one way to find your artistic voice, point of view, medium, etc. and that is to practice it. You want to find your writing voice? Write. You want to find your painting style? Paint. I know that sounds pedantic and probably even patronizing, but I still fall into the trap of thinking I’m going to, say, get my own book proposal done by reading books on book proposals. I’m not. I’m going to write it by writing it! Stop looking at other people’s work — which, by the way, will make it a lot easier to stop comparing yourself to them — and start making your own!

And then, finally, I have to suggest Mary Oliver to you. Any and all of it. If you want a genius queer woman who found peace in her place in the world — as both a big and a small thing — and grappled with the dissonance between legacies and the ephemeral nature of all life, well, she’s your girl.

Q5:

so….i’m feeling pretty “meh” about my relationship. I love so much about my partner–her unrivaled kindness, gentleness, humor, humanity–but I just don’t feel passionately. We love each other, but it’s not a passionate love.

Recently, a friend of mine fell HARD for someone and watching them interact makes me really jealous of how STRONGLY they feel for each other. I have an amazing baseline of respect, friendship, humor and fun with my gf, but there’s something missing. THAT’s missing. Plus, we don’t have sex very often.

But kindness, humor, humility…these are the important things, right? Am I just addicted to dopamine? I feel really guilty for feeling this way, since in so many ways the relationship is so great and HEALTHY. (I’ve had lots of not-healthy relationship situations in my life. Mostly not-healthy, in fact!) We’ve been together 1.5 yrs.

A:

Ro: A truly healthy and stable relationship might feel “boring” in some ways if you’re used to unhealthy relationships that involve lots of highs and lows, BUT healthy relationships should still incite feelings of passion and excitement, especially when you’re only 1.5 years into dating someone. Maybe you’ve put in the work to bring some newness and excitement into your relationship. Maybe you’ve talked to your partner about your sexual needs. If you’ve done those things and you’re still feeling “meh,” my advice is to break up. You deserve to be in a relationship that excites and fulfills you, and your partner deserves to be with someone who is enthusiastic about what she brings to the table. Imagine how bummed out you would be if you knew that your partner stayed in a relationship with you and felt “meh” about it the whole time. Sometimes breaking up is an act of kindness.

Casey

I definitely agree with Ro here! Feeling stable and content with a partner is not the same as feeling “meh” about the relationship. It sounds like you care for and respect your current partner – you love her, even! Talking openly with her about how you’re feeling is, I think, a way to continue to care for and respect her. It seems like from what you’ve written that your partner might feel the same way. What if you’re both feeling meh about the relationship but are avoiding talking about it or breaking up because you don’t want to hurt each other’s feelings?

Kindness, humility, and humour are important – but there are lots of wonderful people out there who embody those qualities and they may or may not be a good fit for you as a partner! That also means that you can find someone else with those qualities that you DO have THAT THING with. And maybe you and your current partner can continue to be in each other’s lives in another capacity, like as friends. You deserve that spark, go and get it!

Q6:

Any advice on how to handle my partner’s lack of punctuality? We’ve been together for years, live together, etc, and this isn’t something I want to end the relationship over, but it drives me crazy. She’s diagnosed with ADHD and takes medication for it, so I understand her poor time management is likely tied to that. I know it’s not her fault, but I get so drained by having to basically keep her “on task” or “on schedule” even when it comes to things like being on time to meet a mutual friend for coffee, leave on time for a workout class we’re taking together, or so on. It makes me feel like a nag or a parent, and when she gets annoyed with me for “rushing” her, I just want to give up. I’ve tried just staying quiet and waiting, but it’s resulted in us being late to the point where we’ve almost things, like a flight (!)

A:

Ro: Here are some things I learned while dating someone with ADHD as a person whose OCD manifests in aggressive punctuality:

1. If you’re able to travel separately and getting to a specific event on time is super important to you, then it’s ok for you and your partner to make your own plans and show up at different times that suit your needs and abilities. Of course, this doesn’t apply to things like flights or wedding ceremonies, but it can work for birthday parties, group hangouts or other events with more flexible arrival times.

2. If you and your partner do need to get somewhere together at the same time, don’t loom over your partner or stand by the door while she’s running around searching for her wallet and keys. That’s going to make her feel stressed out and possibly ashamed, and it will probably prolong her getting-ready process, which doesn’t help either of you. Wait outside and give her space to do her thing.

3. Ask your partner how you can support her leading up to an event or how you can support her in general. Maybe your partner only wants to hear reminders from you in certain ways (like a text reminder or a note on a whiteboard instead of a verbal reminder) and/or at certain times. Maybe she prefers visual reminders (like leaving the suitcases out when it’s time to pack for a trip). It sucks to feel like a nag or be nagged, and if your partner is willing to share what type(s) of support feel good and work for her, you’ll be able to offer support that is actually effective and doesn’t lead to resentment.

4. When you’re feeling frustrated, remember that ADHD is a disability. Some people with ADHD don’t identify with the word “disabled,” but others do. My partner is one of those people. It sounds like you’re already aware that your partner’s tardiness isn’t her fault, but it might make sense to reframe her “poor time management” as access needs that are not being met. Talk to your partner and seek out online resources to learn more about ADHD and access needs — following @catieosaurus on TikTok has been really helpful for me.

Valerie Anne: As someone who maybe has undiagnosed ADHD and serious issues with punctuality/the concept of time, I can confirm that it’s not something we do on purpose and in fact, for me, it’s something I’m pretty ashamed about! I don’t like being late! I just cannot conceptualize time and also get distracted while I’m getting ready; Okay time to brush my hair, oh there’s a cup on the dresser I should put that in the sink before I forget, oh there are dishes here I should just wash them, wait was I doing…and suddenly 15 minutes are gone that I had planned to use to get ready. But like Ro said, asking your partner what kinds of reminders or tools can help will be good; for me, knowing what time we have to LEAVE (vs arrive) the night before is helpful so I have time to mentally prepare my getting ready strategy. And honestly I love Ro’s idea of traveling separately because I know when I’m stressed about someone waiting on me I tend to get somehow WORSE at getting ready and will either a) be late b) be on time and forget something important thus making us even later. But yes everyone is different and I think there can be a compromise or two in there that will make you both less frustrated.

Vanessa: Just want to SUPER STRONGLY CO-SIGN that if it’s at all possible for y’all to just do your own thing when it comes to scheduling, DO THAT. I know not everyone has access to public transport, not everyone has multiple vehicles, and sometimes it’s like, okay we actually both have to get in the same car at the same time and when we don’t I feel like I’m losing it and my partner feels terrible too, help, BUT IF AND WHEN IT IS POSSIBLE, JUST GO PLACES SEPARATELY! You absolutely cannot change your partner, you absolutely should not put yourself in the role of being her schedule manager, and she should absolutely have the freedom to manage her life however works for her (if she asks for your help managing things that’s different, but from your question it doesn’t sound like that’s the case). AND — you should absolutely get to things on time if that’s important to you. As someone who has played both roles in your question, I can attest it is really just so much better for everyone if you remove the idea that you both need to go to places together as a unit, and just each follow your own schedules. Wishing you and your partner compassion and ease with this issue moving forward!

Q7:

Hey hey! tl;dr how do I become okay with not getting top grades all the time?

Basically as a child, teenager and all through college I was the Girl who got Good Grades. And not in the way where it was easy for me, in the way where I prepared for everything obsessively, was constantly anxious, and flipped out if I got a 92 rather than a 98. But it was like, everyone expects me to get good grades, so I have to keep getting them, and if I don’t then who even am I, right??

Now I’m an adult working and doing a master’s degree part-time. I enjoy the degree overall, especialy the practical parts. But my grades are just okay, occasionally on the low side. Sometimes I get paralyzed on getting big assignments done at all, sometimes I hand things without proofreading b/c I’m busy, sometimes I just make mistakes.

School is just not my priority right now, and objectively I think that’s fine. But because I’ve ALWAYS had good grades and gotten praise and opportunities on that basis, I can’t stop thinking things like, “What will I do without the knee-jerk respect/notoriety that comes from being That Girl? Does this mean I’m not as intelligent as I thought I was? Or that I’m not hard-working anymore? What if I miss out on opportunities because my grades aren’t good enough? Are the people who are getting better grades than me just better at what we do? Do I have to prove that I CAN do perfectly, even though that sounds exhausting?”

Anyway!!! Any tips on how to relate to grades and schoolwork as a former neurotic-summa-cum-laude kid and current grown-ass adult with cats to cuddle and TV shows to watch would be appreciated! <3

A:

Casey: As a fellow former Girl Who Got Good Grades, I feel you! To me it sounds like you are already on your way to leaving that girl behind. For one, you are not forcing yourself to try to achieve perfection aka that 98%. You know that it isn’t your priority right now and it’s not healthy. Good for you! You are not Girl Who Got Good Grades anymore, you are Woman Who Wants Balance in Her Life and Woman Who Doesn’t Base Her Self-Worth On Grades. (Assuming you identify as a woman as an adult). Seriously, give yourself a pat on the back.

In my last degree and my work thereafter, I have become somewhat of a student of “Good Enough” and “Your Best Looks Different Depending on the Situation.” Maybe these concepts might be helpful for you too! A lot of the time at my day job as a librarian, good enough is just the most sensible option. I have a big workload and if I put my all into one task I wouldn’t have time for the other tasks. I try to be intentional on which projects I do “good enough” and which ones I put a lot of time and effort into, aka really try my very best. Good enough is often actually the best option if you don’t want to burn out and want to be able to keep doing the work.

Maybe for you right now none of your schoolwork deserves your very best. Maybe it’s just the odd assignment whose topic you’re passionate about, or assignments from an instructor you really admire. You decide – it sounds like you have decided that balance in your life and time to relax are important priorities in your life. If you do decide to go all in sometimes, remember your very best changes day to day and that’s okay! For example, the way I deal with an angry patron at the library on the day before my period under PMS looks very different than me dealing with that situation in the middle of my cycle. But even if I don’t feel like I did the best I’ve ever done PMSing, I still likely did my best under the circumstances given my limitations. You know?

Back to “good enough.” Is it possible to apply this good enough concept to your schoolwork? For me it’s the intentionality that’s helpful. You could even be intentional about how you’re spending your time. If you chose to spend an hour or two in the evening watching TV and cuddling your cat instead of putting more time into an assignment, consciously make the decision (even out loud if you want!) and then proceed! Hopefully that way you won’t be feeling the whole time you’re relaxing like you “should” be doing schoolwork – you can remind yourself that you’ve deliberately assessed the situation and have decided not to devote this time to schoolwork. When you receive feedback on the assignment and think you could’ve gotten a better grade, you can remember you consciously chose not to spend more time on it because you needed to relax, had to find out what happened on the latest episode of Gentleman Jack, etc.

Good luck out there and happy cat cuddling and TV watching!

Q8:

I need advice for ways to cover a neck hickey! Google seems to be geared towards people with a lot of makeup options and skill. I am not that person. Also: tips for people with short hair and people who live in warm climates where scarfs and turtlenecks look weird are also appreciated. In the past, I’ve lived in cold places and worked in environments where an occasional visible hickey would be nbd. Now I live somewhere warm and work somewhere corporate and was not expecting any kind of a hickey situation, but here we are. Halp!

A:

Ro: It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a situation that required me to cover a hickey — I’ve spent the last two years working from home and writing about sex for a living. BUT I can tell you what absolutely did not work for me when I was in college: the cold spoon trick. Supposedly, putting a cold spoon on a hickey will make it disappear, but I’m pretty sure you need to do that as soon as the hickey happens (and when you’re in the throes of passion, you’re probably not going to be like, “hang on a sec, let me get that spoon I have chilling in my freezer for an occasion such as this one”).

Presumably, your hickey is long gone at this point, for your future reference, here are some ideas for healing and hiding visible hickeys:

-Slather on some arnica cream. This helps other types of bruises heal (and it’s helped me heal some particularly large bruises), so I imagine it would work for a hickey, too! You can get it at most drugstores.

-Apply a warm compress. This improves circulation in the area and will help your hickey heal faster

.-Since long scarves and turtlenecks aren’t appropriate in your climate, try wearing a bandana or a choker necklace with a wide band. Even if it doesn’t cover your hickey completely, an accessory might at least distract from it.

-If you’re really into getting hickeys, ask your partner to suck on your skin in a place that isn’t visible (like on your thigh or on your chest). That way, you get to keep your souvenir and hide it from prying eyes.

Nicole: Also! You can use makeup in the opposite color of your hickey to cancel the color out. Redness? Add green (some companies make green makeup for redness specifically). Purple? Add yellow. (You can find yellow eyeshadow.) Brown with purple undertones? Still needs yellow! Then put concealer (that matches your skin) on top of that and blend it into the rest of your skin. Now, it might only be worth investing in this makeup if you’re getting hickeys regularly, but — and this is a truly silly suggestion so forgive me — if you ever found yourself in a tight spot with somewhere you had to be hickey-free and the hours aligned and you had enough time before you went, you could go into someplace like an Ulta or a Sephora and use their sample makeup to cover it.

Q9:

omg I dont know how to do this. so: I have a friend I really really like but our dynamic is sorta unhealthy. when he’s in a bad spot I rarely know how to help (I am autistic and have ADHD which basically means I am impulsive, have poor social skills and when I feel rejected I feel it INTENSELY). he’s one of the people I trust the most in my life and he’s one of the few people I know I can call whenever, with any issue. I really dont know anyone kinder than him. Lately though I worry that I am burdening him too much, texting him too much (he has not texted back in more than a month which made me feel like shit). Tbh, it’s been years that I have been more emotionally invested in the friendship (I admit that I had a crush on him for some time which he must have noticed). and felt like I am annoying him with stuff that isnt interesting to him. I miss him and I worry and I dont know how to bring it up because he’s one of the few people to NEVER bring up his emotions or conflict (I am not the only friend with this issue, all of our common friends have this problem with him). I dont want to feel like i am annoying him…I dont trust him to be real with me, and tbh now I cant even share fun stuff that I always love sharing with him, his opinions on disability related activism, bc I fucked it up being annoying with my problems (which I did not realize at the time, it’s hard for me to realize when I’m “too much” or worrying him instead of “fun ranting between disabled friends about disability” ) but I also am kind of upset that hes not communicating, since he knows that due to my ADHD, especially if I love someone, I TALK A LOT.

A:

Darcy: It sounds like this friend has been really important to you, and I want to honor your history. That being said, feeling like you can’t be real with a friend is a pretty lonely feeling. And it sounds like your friend is signaling, with his current lack of communication, that he wants some distance right now.

I want to emphasize something here: A friend taking distance does not mean that you failed, that you were annoying, or that your social skills were lacking. It probably isn’t about you at all. It also may not be permanent. We go through so many different phases in our lives, and we get pulled in lots of different directions with family, friends, our jobs, our health, and other factors. I personally have friends I love dearly who wait far too long in between texts from me, because life is hard and busy and complex!

If you want to clear the air with your friend, I think it would be fine to send a text that says something like: “Hey, haven’t heard from you in awhile! Hope all is well. Let me know if there’s anything you want to talk about!” If he answers, you can have a conversation and see where things stand. In the meantime, I would really encourage identifying other friends and activities that you can put your energy into. Are there other people in your life who are kind, who you can be real with? Are there hobbies you love that you might be able to do in an organized way with other people? I think that the more you’re able to nurture some new connections, the more balanced you’ll feel about the state of things with your old friend. Best of luck!

Q10:

Beard/facial hair care tips? I’m an AFAB person who was initiated into removing my facial hair via Nair as a young teen, then transitioned to tweezing, which is quite the project. During the pandemic I let it grow out and discovered I can grow a pretty significant goatee and mustache. My hair grows in mostly pretty light with some dark mixed in, and is pretty wiry (I’m white.) the chin hairs can grow to be an inch at least. I feel like it makes me look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. Just letting it all grow free is not for me right now (from a confusing mix of societal expectations, comfort, and my own preference). I also don’t want to tweeze it all anymore, and shaving sounds like a pain. I’ve started trimming it using a number 1 trimmer setting. I like that better but still feel self conscious about it, like it’s more scraggly than I want. Do you have any tips around facial hair care, ideas for conditioning products, etc.? Also how do conditioning products interact with face cleaning/moisturizing? I’m looking for ways to make it feel more intentional. Also everyone should do exactly what they want (or nothing) with their face hair! Thank you.

A:

Valerie Anne: I have some hormone imbalances that make me grow hair above my lip every other month but mostly on one side which is truly chaotic so I typically remove it, and I use a little trimmer (an example, but there are many brands that have similar things!) and if I don’t use any of the attachments, it leaves me feeling pretty smooth, quick and easy. (I even sometimes trim underneath or between my eyebrows with it if I’m feeling fancy; it’s nice that it’s so precise.) I don’t use any products because my skin is sensitive and I’m scared of trying anything lest I be allergic to it, so that part of the question will have to be left to someone else!

Vanessa: I’m obsessed with waxing the hair that grows on my chin! I buy Sally Hansen home wax strips at Walgreens and like once a month I just wax the shit outta my “beard” (a collection of hair sort of like what I think you’re describing that grows on my chin/neck) and my mustache. I pluck the few stray ones that don’t fit in the zone of the wax strip. I don’t do any conditioning outside of moisturizing my face/neck in the morning and evening with CeraVe daily moisturizer. I know that’s not super useful re: the last part of your question, but FYI, we do have some members of the team who are excited to start writing more about beauty/skincare, so look out for that in the coming months! Yay!

Q11:

How do you, like, get things done??? I’ve been struggling so much with productivity lately. And, yeah, hustle culture is toxic, and we’ve been in a pandemic for two years, so of course it’s a struggle… but practically speaking, I do need to be doing my grad school homework instead of, say, spending the whole day trying to learn a Kiwi accent with YouTube tutorials. I just feel like I have no self-control anymore? Help!

A:

Ro: Everyone has different work schedules and cognitive needs, but here are some guidelines that work for me as a writer and editor who works from home mostly on my own timeline:

1. I do my hardest tasks first thing in the morning. That’s when I have the most mental energy and clarity.

2. I build in breaks throughout the day. I work from home on a computer, and staring at a screen for a while can really kill my enthusiasm. That’s why I like to take a walk outside in the middle of the day. I realize that not everyone’s job or schedule would allow for a mid-day walk, but if you can even just step outside for five minutes, it might make a big difference.

3. I build in rewards: “If I get task A done by X time, then I get to watch a new episode of the show I’m obsessed with,” etc.

4. I create things to look forward to. During a global pandemic, there isn’t much to do or get excited about, so you’re going to have to create that excitement for yourself. Plan a weekend trip to a nature preserve or plan a movie marathon. Plan a theme night with your roommate(s) or partner. Schedule a weekly phone call with a long-distance friend. Knowing that there’s something fun around the corner helps me plow through my tasks.

5. I take days off when I can. I’m chronically ill, and if I’m having a day when work is just not happening, I take the day off (assuming that I don’t have any urgent deadlines) and catch up on what I missed the following day or over the weekend. Sometimes getting things done means knowing when to quit.

Valerie Anne: Ro has a lot of great advice! Mine is a little more chaotic. I have to play mind games with myself. Ro’s #3 is my go-to, inventing rewards for myself because I’m externally motivated and not internally motivated. Sometimes I recruit a friend to be an accountability buddy like, “please check in with me in an hour or so and ask me about my progress if it’s a bigger project (vs like a daily task.) For me often it’s STARTING that’s the hardest hurdle, so sometimes I have to fully lie to myself and be like, “Okay you only have to work on this for FIFTEEN MINUTES” knowing full well that once I start I’ll work longer, but also giving myself grace if I do, in fact, have to stop after 15 minutes. If I find myself stuck I also try to get a change of scenery. Now, my apartment is pretty small and I’m not willing to work at coffee shops or anything at this point in the pandemic (everyone’s comfort level is different, this might be a good option too!) but sometimes even just like, moving to a different chair on the table or moving to the couch for a little while helps reset my brain and get me ready for the next task.

Vanessa: I love Ro and Valerie Anne’s suggestions! I mostly find myself relying on asking my girlfriend and my friends for help, and giving myself wayyyyy longer than I think I’ll need for the task. When I ask for help it’s usually in an accountability way, where I’ll say to my girlfriend “I’m not coming out of my office until I’m done scheduling the You Need Help column for this week, if you see me in the living room please ask me if it’s done!” or I’ll say to a friend “I can’t meet up for drinks until after my novel revision is turned in on May 19, please don’t let us make plans before then, it will be betraying myself!” That helps. And then the extra time: I am just like, really not good at getting stuff done quickly these days. Sometimes I’m able to and it’s a surprise and a blessing, but everything you said in your question is real – pandemic, burn out, end of days, etc – I am just not the quick worker I used to be. So if I have a huge writing project that I think might take a whole day, I set aside three whole days. I keep the whole weekend free. I accept I might work late on a day when I’m meeting a major deadline. I’m just patient with myself and the amount of time it takes me to get stuff done, and I try to build in space for that. It means I get to socialize less (because I do still prioritize resting and getting to bed at a reasonable hour) but it’s just what I have to do for now. Sometimes I prioritize socializing more than work. I think a healthy balance (when one is able to strike it) is useful. Oh, and my last tip that I didn’t realize until I started writing this — regular sleep! I used to suffer from insomnia and rarely slept more than 4-5 hours a night, but in the past year and a half I’ve finally settled into a regular sleep pattern (advice for a different day, lol) and now get 8 hours almost every single night, and it has genuinely changed my whole life and does make me feel more capable of doing, well, anything. I know (TRULY I KNOW) how challenging getting 8 hours of sleep can be, but if you’re able, I find it to be game changing. Good luck getting shit done! YOU GOT THIS!

Nicole: Fourth-ing that you’ve got this! In addition to all this great advice, sometimes something seems more daunting at first glance, in my head, before I actually do it. So, I might ask myself to describe what it will actually take to get started on that task. For school work, for example, studying for an exam or writing a paper might seem daunting, but if I were to tell myself that what I actually needed to do was go sit down at my desk and open a document or get out a pen and paper, then that’s not so bad. Oh? All I have to do now is outline the first third of the paper? Okay, I can do that, and so on. Keep up the self-talk about how easy these small steps are until you’ve achieved at least a little bit of flow. And if you don’t get it all done at once, that’s okay! 10%, 5%, 1% is always a better start than 0%. I also think it’s easier to manage my schedule, weirdly, when I have a decent amount of commitments. THIS is the complete opposite of Vanessa’s strategy, so you do what works for you here, but if I know I have to be somewhere / do something, say, on Sunday, then I can’t let my work week run into Sunday, can I? I have to get it done because I won’t be able to help myself if I don’t. Plus, like Ro pointed out, if you plan some things to look forward to, that can really help in terms of your outlook. You can do it!

Q12:

What do y’all wear for footwear during the hot hot summer? My feet hate being inside shoes, so I’m on the hunt for sandals/sandal-adjacent footwear that is: dressy, but also supportive and won’t give me hella blisters. Does this exist? Any favorite brands or styles? I’m all ears! I also want to make the plunge this summer into getting my first adult lesbian pair of Birkenstocks Lol. Any tips for wearing them in, leather care, etc? ALSO!! I remember many years ago someone on this website mentioning the concept of a summer boot (maybe it was Laneia?). I’m intrigued! I’m usually wearing bike shorts and tennis shoes during the summer with “mens” flip flops, which means when I wanna step out in a dress or a skirt or something a little more femme-y, I don’t really feel like I have the right footwear to go with it. Plus I wear a 9-9.5 and my feet tend to be too wide for a lot of “women’s” style sandals!

Wow who knew I had so many words to write on summer shoes 😂 Any tips and advice about anyyyy of this is appreciated! Thank you!! I appreciate and value this advice box so much! 💜

A:

Casey: Hello I am here with the perhaps obvious option of Birkenstocks! A lesbian classic. If you haven’t worn or checked out Birks lately you might not know that they have a lot more than the brown leather two straps deal. There are a lot of Birk styles now that are definitely on the dressier side. They come in colours like silver, pink, and yellow as well as patterns like metallic teal reptile print and floral. (Yes I Googled fancy Birkenstocks to get some ideas of what is out there. I recommend it to see if anything catches your eye!) I find the style that goes in between your big toe and the one next to it then has a vertical strap and a horizontal one with a fastening dressier than the original style. (Does that description make sense? Describing shoes is hard!) That’s especially true if you choose a colour or pattern that looks dressy instead of brown leather.

I personally find Birks very comfortable and I think most people do? It helps that the fastening is adjustable and that they have molding in the shape of a foot on the sole. In my experience they do need to be worn in a bit, but it doesn’t take long for them to kind of form to your foot. I wear a size 9, for reference. I don’t have wide feet, but from a cursory look on the Birkenstock website it appears their shoes tend on the wide side.

For strappy open shoes much more on the dressier side, I also really like Fluevogs! My most comfortable pair of high heels is from there and they are bright yellow with a chunky heel and I love them. They definitely have some styles that are sandal-esque but distinctly dressy. Fluevogs design is a bit eccentric and pricey but if you find a pair that really vibes with your style I think they’re worth it. I’ve had mine for almost a decade and despite wearing them all the time at my old job, they are not really worse for wear. Plus I see they do have ones available on their website that are on sale.

Happy shoe shopping!

Vanessa: I’m obsessed with Birks! I have two summer styles that I like best, this one for every day and this one for “fancy” options. They do need to be broken in a bit, so I recommend wearing them around your house for a few hours at a time before taking them out on the town, or wear them on short expeditions so you know you won’t have time to develop blisters until they’ve molded to your feet and that’s no longer an issue. I also have a pair of Hasbeens sandals that I adore – they’re expensive but I got them a few years ago and they’ve held up really well, they’re metallic pink with a wood sole and very very pretty and comfortable (I can’t find the link to the exact pair I have but here is an example). Also, I’m going to be honest — I’ve been getting into the idea of Crocs! Are they sexy? Like no, but also… kind of yes? I dunno, my girlfriend has a camo print pair, and I think she looks fucking hot in them, and she’s so comfy and able to like go on a water hike or move a piano or simply go to the grocery store at any given time all in the same shoe! Competence and functionality is hot! Here’s the summery pair I’ve been eyeing, and here’s the plain ol’ regular pair I’ve been eyeing (that are very open and light and airy in their own right). I’m not great in a platform (weak ankles) but if you’re open to that, a lot of sporty brands have started doing platform sandals that look comfy and cute (like these Tevas). And finally, I don’t have any personal experience with this, but I keep reading about “fisherman sandals” and they seem very cute and comfortable and functional, and are apparently very trendy this summer, so maybe that is an avenue you can explore, too! Have fun! Happy summer footwear!

Q13:

can a lesbian suddenly turn straight? or am I just bisexual? it’s just so weird to me, I miss being into women! I can accept suddenly also being interested in men (although this interest is extremely new and confusing) but like why havent I been really attracted to women in more than a year? is this normal? it sort of bums me out, I like being queer :( it’s weird, like I wonder if it’s related to my last sexual experience with a woman who I wasnt really attracted to (nothing traumatic, I just wasnt feeling it, and now everytime I wonder if I’m attracted to a woman I think back to that last sexual encounter and am instantly turned off. and the only women I have sort of considered maybe being attracted to were butches, in the past year. I love butch women, but this is also new to me, I am usually more into feminine people?? and also, when I actually start fantasizing about butch women, that also doesnt work anymore. am I suddenly straight?? why?? I like being into women, I love women! I want to want to have sex with women again! also, I wonder if this is sort of gender-related? for the past seven years I have been questioning my gender and going back and forth, and being confused. sometimes I feel like I identify with the trans gay male experience?? might that be it?? but then again I tell myself, no, why shouldnt you be a woman, youre not really dysphoric?? so, am I now heterosexual? I’m just so confused and I know labels shouldnt matter but I identified as a lesbian for a LONG time, having no interest in men whatsoever and now I lost interest in women?? why??

A:

Casey: This sounds like a lot and I’m sorry you are struggling. No one but you can decide what your sexual identity is or how you want to label it (if you want to label it at all) but I’m going to share some thoughts from my experience as a bi-identified cis person who has experienced some changes in their attraction.

It is “normal”, as in it happens to plenty of people, that their sexual attraction and identity can change over time. In queer women’s communities we see this a lot more from the side of women suddenly being interested in women / dating women when they previously only dated men or identified as straight. Obviously, homophobia and compulsory heterosexuality are big factors there. But there are certainly stories of women who genuinely experienced their desire as hetero and then one day realized their own queerness. These stories – real and fictional – of women realizing their queerness are, rightly so, celebrated.

Not so celebrated, though, are the reverse experiences of someone identifying as lesbian and then identifying as bi and/or realizing they are interested in men. But this also happens to people! Sometimes it’s a result of internalized biphobia and that person may have experienced bi desire all along. Others experience a genuine change in who they’re attracted to. There is lesbophobia and misogyny at play in a lot of cultural stories about lesbian identity shifting to include dating men. (“Lesbians just need to find the right man” ugh and other gross stuff). But I don’t think we should let those oppressive discourses dictate how we live our lives and experience our sexualities. You and your queerness are valid regardless of whether your sexual identity or attraction has changed and whether your attraction includes men or is exclusively towards men.

(The next paragraph is a bit of self-plagiarizing as I answered a similar question at Autostraddle’s 13th birthday AMA and I think this info is very relevant here!)

One thing I think about often is how much our ideas of queer identity as people who are NOT cis gay men are shaped by the dominance of cis gay men’s experiences of sexuality and sexual identity. Of course, some women have experiences of identifying as gay/lesbian and always feeling that way and never wavering from that. But in my experience, cis and trans women and other trans people’s experiences are often much more complicated than that. We are trying to make our desires and identities fit into a box that was made for people who are different than us! (I think we can thank the cis patriarchy for deciding cis men’s experiences are the norm, even in a queer context!)

You might want to check out this book called Sexual Fluidity by Lisa Diamond which is all about (cis) women experiencing changes in their sexual attraction over their lifetimes. I found it affirming and reassuring.

To address your question “why havent I been really attracted to women in more than a year?” I think the experiences of bi people are helpful to keep in mind here, whether or not you want to identify as bi or not. A lot of bi people I know, myself included, experience fluctuations in the nature of their attraction. I’ve had periods where I’ve been more drawn to certain gender expressions and identities rather than others. I can’t say if you’ll experience attraction to women and femininity in the same way you have in the past, but I can say that just because you’re not feeling it now definitely doesn’t mean it won’t reappear.

As a cis person I am not qualified to address some of your trans related questions but I hopeful someone else can jump in here!

Good luck to you friend 💜

Nicole I cannot really tell you why, but I can tell you that sexuality can be so, very fluid! Casey had some great things to say on that subject. From personal experience, I feel like everything within the way I experience my queerness shifts from time to time, like it’s being pulled around by the moon or the planets, so that’s something I think of as perfectly “normal” even if it isn’t consistent. That being said, I’ve never completely lost my attraction to a gender, but maybe, as you’ve posited, this has something to do with the experience you’ve had. Sometimes, our experiences, even things we think shouldn’t bother us, do in fact bother us and take some work to process in order to get to a better place. I think the key to figuring things like this out is ~not to panic~ which I know is hard, but it will make it harder to figure out how you are actually feeling if you let your expectations (wanting to identify as a lesbian, worried you aren’t, any of those anxieties) get wrapped up into trying to understand your own feelings. I’ll also say that I know that many people love and are attached to the word “lesbian,” but I also know just as many people who love and have fought for the words “bisexual” “queer” and “pansexual” — and if you feel like any of those labels better fit your experience, there’s no shame in reframing things for yourself. As far as dysphoria / having it / not having it, that’s so complex and individualized! Some trans/nonbinary people don’t really experience dysphoria, or not in a way that is as noticeable as one might think. Sometimes it’s really specific. I fucking die if I put on eyeshadow. Nothing else triggers me like eyeshadow. I get lured in by the pretty colors and then have to take it off immediately. On the other hand, some people don’t realize they were experiencing dysphoria until they’re on the other side of something like, say, trying on a binder, and then they realize how good it makes them feel to wear the binder and that they just didn’t notice they were dysphoric because it was a feeling that was always present. So, I would encourage you to not put too much pressure on yourself to feel any one particular way if you decide you want to explore this part of your identity. Let yourself feel and go at your own pace, and without expectations or any “should’s.” Good luck!!!

Q14:

I recently ended a friendship with a (fellow queer) friend who had given what felt like mixed signals to me. In our last convo (over text) they said they had been “reflecting” (as in mirroring) what they felt I was giving them and later said they didn’t feel they could totally be themselves with me.

That was the first time they had been so honest, and I’m glad they were, but am sort of disoriented at the realization that they were experiencing the friendship very differently from me, and instead of feeling (?) what they were expressing, were actually just “reflecting” what I was expressing… It’s become a confusing tunnel to me, and I feel embarrassed I didn’t realize what they were doing sooner, but I guess I felt they were sincere and that made me hold onto hope/curiosity about a potential interest for longer… but I guess they were only reflecting the interest I was showing?? Idk, I know I just need to move on and I’ve wished them well and blocked them, but would appreciate it if anyone has experienced this or even has any insight from the other POV. I feel discombobulated!!

A:

Vanessa: I’m so sorry this happened! And yes, I would feel discombobulated too! It honestly sounds, from your telling, that even when they were being honest about their feelings they weren’t necessarily communicating them very clearly. I feel confused about all the talk of mirroring and reflecting — I don’t think this is on you to figure out or get clear on. It seems like you already know the steps you need/want to take to heal (wishing them well and taking space/blocking them are excellent steps!) but you’re still sort of reeling, and that makes sense. I have no idea what is going on with your former friend. It sounds like you don’t really either. What I want to offer you is… that’s okay. Maybe there was something going on you could’ve shifted, maybe not, maybe your ex pal is going through a rough time, maybe they took something you did personally but never confronted you about it, maybe you could’ve done things differently, maybe they could’ve done things differently. The thing is though, they didn’t communicate about any of that, and it seems like even when they did communicate, they weren’t clear, or you did not understand them (even if they were clear). Something I have been learning in my personal relationships is YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE A DETECTIVE. When we connect with people, we should feel understood and understanding. Everyone communicates differently of course and some people are not as clear as others but still put in an effort to connect. However, if you feel that someone is not being honest with you or they tell you they feel they can’t be their true selves around you, that’s not a good friendship match. You can’t read minds. You can’t guess what someone is feeling, reflecting, etc. AND YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO. You deserve friendships with open communication, where you feel at ease and not like your job is to Figure It All Out. That’s not your job. Time and space will help you let go of the discombobulated feelings you’re experiencing now, at the end of this friendship. I wish you and your former friend well, and I wish for you both to find people who allow you to be open and at ease with one another. That wasn’t your friendship, and that’s okay.

Q15:

I moved last autumn, and have just been reminded for my annual dues for a community group in my old town (a tree/orchard group, rather than something concerning people directly). I want to shift that money over to concerns local to me now, but also feel guilt for not being able to support it all. I suppose my question is, any advice on guilt over leaving behind your ‘old local’?

A:

Heather: You didn’t burn your house down to the ground and salt the ashes or anything like that did you? Because if you did, you actually probably should keep donating to your old local! But, if not, well, somebody probably moved into your old place, right? And now their new local is your old local, and you can focus on your new local. I actually have a great example of this, which is that when my wife and I moved into our current place, we joined the local mutual aid group. And multiple times a year, we get mail from that mutual aid group addressed to the family that lived here before us. I’m sure they’re doing mutual aid in their new neighborhood, and we’re doing mutual aid in their old one! Also it’s very cool you’re thinking so hard about this. My heart and brain work like this too, and I feel a kindred connection to you.

Q16:

so! I really dislike cis men, and have no interest in them (platonic, sexual, romantic, etc). Also, some of my bi friends have partners who are cis men. How do I navigate this? As someone who never dates cis men, I’m worried I’m accidentally engaging in biphobia.

Is it biphobic to be extremely indifferent to hanging out with friends’ cis dude partners (and tbh preferring to not have them around ever) while being extremely enthusiastic about hanging out with friends’ partners who aren’t cis dudes?

A:

Casey: First of all, on behalf of bisexuals, thanks for thinking of your bi friends as a non-bi person! I think wanting to make sure you are respecting your friends and not engaging in biphobia is a great place to start.

Have you talked to your bi friends about your feelings hanging out with their cis male partners? And about your concerns of not wanting to reinforce biphobia? I think this is the place to start. As a bi woman in a relationship with a cis man, I would want my friend to tell me their thoughts directly. Otherwise I would be wondering what was going on. I would assume it was something personal against me or my partner, not a general disinterest in being around cis men. I would want to know.

I don’t know how your friends are going to react. I will say that if a friend of mine told me they never wanted me to invite my partner to social gatherings where everyone else is bringing their partner, I would be hurt. If my friend was consistently ignoring or being rude to my partner, I would be hurt. I would probably not want to be friends with this person anymore, or, to use a term another letter writer used earlier, to “downgrade” my friendship with this person. I’m not saying you’re doing either of those things, but I’m not sure how else your disinterest in cis men is manifesting with these bi friends.

This would be a different story if you were referring to specific spaces or events that are for queer people and/or people who aren’t cis men. Or if one of these specific guys said or did something shitty. Or even if one of your friends had a track record of dating shitty guys. (I am also, of course, assuming you don’t have trauma associated with cis men, since you didn’t disclose).

But it sounds like you’re just referring to more casual social hangouts with these guys generally. I certainly don’t think anyone needs to bring their partner around every time they hang out with friends (in fact, I find it weird when people do this). But it doesn’t sound like your bi friends are bringing their male partners around when it’s not appropriate for anyone to have their partners there. It is a double standard to be welcoming to some people’s partners and not others.

Is this double standard biphobic? I’ve thought about this question for a while and I’m not sure. I certainly don’t think your feelings of disinterest in cis men are biphobic. But some behaviour that could result from these feelings might be interpreted as biphobic. Perhaps more importantly, though, I think some resulting behaviour could be hurtful, whether your friends interpret it as biphobic or not. Obviously it’s up to you if you want to have cis men in your social life. But it’s also up to your bi friends if they want to have you in their life if you don’t want to be in the same space as their partners.

Q17:

Dear Autostraddle team,
Firstly thank you for all your writing and everything you contribute to this site – I can’t put into words how much this place means to me!

I am wondering whether you have any advice or resources to suggest about being a partner to someone living with lots of trauma. For context – my partner and I (both mid-20s cis women) have been together for over 9 months. My partner has had a few relationships (with cis men) since school, and in all of them she’s been abused. She’s also disabled which adds to her all around difficulty moving through the world. (I have my own thing from a past relationship I’m slowly unravelling in my head, but it doesn’t really impact the same way hers does.)

We’re both ridiculously happy in our relationship. We feel safe and secure and make sure to tell each other that regularly, we have really good sex and talk about it. She is continuing to open up to me about her trauma (because she wants to, not because I expect it of her), and we’ve talked about our ways of communicating about this (and are both quite proud of how well we’ve done so far tbh!)

So – I feel relatively well equipped to directly deal with my response to/our relationship’s response to her trauma – but sometimes having all of this floating around in our relationship, and in my head, and knowing someone I love has been hurt so badly and seeing the consequences of that years on, is hard/sad/scary/just a lot! I’d love to read more about other people’s experiences dealing with this and being a good partner in this environment – and I’m hoping you have some recommendations.
Thank you for all you do!

A:

Ro: Congrats on creating a healthy and loving relationship! It can be really hard to hear about a partner’s past traumas, and it might bring up some anger. I strongly encourage you to process those feelings with a therapist so you don’t end up unintentionally dumping those feelings on your partner.

Nicole: Yes absolutely to processing your own feelings with a therapist. I dont know how much your partner wants to process these things with you, so that’s up to them of course, but I’ve found the book, Why Does He Do That?, has been immensely helpful in deepening my understand of abusers (especially cis men) and how they work, and the kinds of trauma they inflict on their partners. I am just a person who feels like it’s better to understand as much as I can when navigating anything this difficult. (Of course the book is just one big trigger warning, so be careful and kind to yourself!) Anyway, I veer toward the analytical end and just being able to say “no that thing that happened was abuse and it was on purpose and most to all of everything was calculated and a part of the abuse” has really helped me process certain situations and be there for others processing them as well. AND I also want to recommend couples’ therapy in addition to individual therapy (if it’s possible for you) if there are any moments where you feel like some of this trauma is making its way into your relationship. A professional therapist can help you both process and develop tools for dealing with trauma and triggering situations together, and may help you even further strengthen your communication skills. It sounds like you’re doing great, though, and I’m really happy that you’re both so secure and supportive of each other in your relationship!

Q18:

It seems like my custom-fit suit might not come in time for my wedding because #supplychain! Where does an androgynous queer who is 5’2″ and has hips and a chest but no shoulders get an off the rack blazer that will fit me?? I don’t want to look like a businesswoman OR like I borrowed my dad’s suit!! Ahh!

A:

Ro: I’m so sorry about your suit! I’m a fellow 5’2″ queer human, and while I don’t have much experience suit shopping, I’ve heard great things from other short queers about Wildfang. They offer suit pants and blazers that fit folks with hips and chests (but unfortunately, they don’t have that many color options).

Vanessa: Seconding Wildfang! Also J.Crew! Also if there are vintage or consignment stores in your town that can be a really good option! Also also also if you have a local tailor and you find something that is too big they will be able to help make it fit your body perfectly, which will hopefully be a swifter solution than the #supplychain affected custom-fit suit! ALSO ALSO ALSO ALSO MAZEL TOV ON GETTING MARRIED, I HOPE YOUR WEDDING IS EVERYTHING YOU WANT IT TO BE AND MORE!

Q19:

It might be too late for the Finances advice box, but – could any of you kind, brilliant folks offer insights into how to pay for therapy? I’m very fortunate to have health insurance, but it seems like no therapists take it. I’m trying to figure out how to navigate all this but feel very lost. Thank you!

A:

Darcy: Finding an affordable therapist can feel like such a daunting task! I’ve got two suggestions. First of all, there may be a group or organization in your city that offers therapy on a sliding scale – when I was first coming out, I found affordable therapy with a queer therapist through my local LGBTQ organization. Even if your local center doesn’t offer therapy in-house, they may have some recommendations or a directory of LGBTQ service providers.

My second recommendation is less about the therapist and more about the money. If you’re already stellar at budgeting, you can ignore this bit! I have ADHD, work at a nonprofit, and have been a notoriously impulsive spender for my whole adult life; all of that meant that I’ve always lived paycheck to paycheck, without a lot of money for therapy. A few months ago, a friend with ADHD introduced me to You Need a Budget, and using their budgeting tools has changed my whole life. It’s not free, and there’s a small learning curve, but if you do have regular income, creating a category for therapy and putting money into it as you earn may help you figure out what you can afford to spend on therapy. Best of luck!

Nicole: Just seconding Darcy that your local LGBTQ center is the first place I’d look for affordable therapy!

Q20:

I don’t want a divorce, but it’s not my choice. She’s fallen out-of-love, my mental health issues too much to endure. She’s carried the marriage and home while I grappled with controlling ADHD, anxiety, depression… I let us both down. She acted out and cheated with a friend. I was willing to work through that, but she has had enough. So a marriage barely four years old will be ending. I’m crushed and flailing, vacillating between a gummy and just-prescribed xanax. We have a house to sell, a foster high schooler to care for, a life to dismantle. I don’t know what advice I’m seeking. I’m in my early 40s and I’ve never had a relationship last more than five years, but I did think this marriage was it. She’s not perfect – her empathy reserves are low, she drinks too much, she’s always right. But I love her, she loved me. This fucking sucks.

A:

Vanessa: This does suck, so much. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. A breakup when you don’t want one is soul crushing. It doesn’t sound to me like you are seeking advice — it sounds like you want to share your feelings and be seen and heard. I want to tell you I see you, and I’m witnessing, and I’m thinking of you and sending gentle vibes hoping that things start to look up some time soon. (Stop reading here if you don’t want any advice at all!) I also want to offer that I hope you can be gentle with yourself, and not view the divorce as your fault or your mental health issues as letting anyone down. I hope you have a therapist you can work with during this time of change, and I hope that the future holds different relationships and different love that bring you joy and peace.

Q21:

I need help naming a thing so I can work out where to look for help! I want to read a self help book/journal type thing but don’t know how to start looking. My problem is that I struggle to get things done, but it’s definitely not laziness. Sometimes it’s overwhelm of there being so many things in a possible list that it’s like my brain can’t work out how to start? Or all the things are flying around in my head and I can’t focus on one. Or if I think i have done something wrong (e.g. forgotten to reply to a work email) then I might become so avoidant of it that I don’t do any of my work that day at all. I don’t feel like a perfectionist, for example, I’m not stressed about e.g. layouts or neatness being perfect. But there’s definitely something self-sabotagy in my brain when I feel like I’m not living up to my (impossibly?) high standards. Any key words you can throw at me to point me in the direction of compassionate reading around this would be really helpful!

A:

Ro: This isn’t exactly a “self-help” guide, but I think it will really help you find compassion for yourself: Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price (who is queer and trans, by the way!)

Valerie Anne: I’m going to get a reputation for this being my go-to advice strategy but: check out the Tiktok tags for ADHD. Even if you don’t have ADHD, a lot of the issues you lay out here (executive dysfunction, for example, which might be a good keyword, too!) are common symptoms of ADHD so there are a lot of people on Tiktok talking about what works for them when it comes to combating it in a way that is very “here i what works for me, maybe it will work for you too” instead of “do this to ‘fix’ it.”

Darcy Ro and Valerie Anne both have great suggestions — I love ADHD Tiktok! And I want to read the book Ro recommends. I bet it dives into what I’d like to mention.

While I don’t want to give you an armchair diagnosis, I will say that what you describe has been a lifetime problem for me, and last year I was formally evaluated and diagnosed with ADHD. But! What I really wanted to mention here are, specifically, are the motivating factors that I started learning about during my journey. These blew my mind, because they completely rewrote the narrative that had been imposed on me as a kid — that when I just couldn’t get things together, I was self-sabotaging, I was fucking up. I got in a lot of trouble! I really wish I’d known then what I know now.

To paraphrase the many resources I found when I started Googling executive dysfunction (and there ARE many resources, although Tiktok is a great place to start!), neurotypical people may often be motivated by factors such as, ya know, consequences. They are probably able to rank tasks in order of importance, and handle them accordingly. But those motivators often don’t work for people with ADHD/executive dysfunction. All the getting grounded in the world was never going to make eighth-grade me do my homework! Because it turns out I was more likely to be motivated by an acronym we call ICNU: Interest, Challenge, Novelty, and Urgency. If a task really captures my interest, I can do it. If it poses a challenge, I may jump into it headlong. If it’s something novel, I’ll probably be super interested. And if I’ve waited long enough that it is absolutely urgent — if I’m totally out of clean dishes, or a hard deadline is looming in four hours, or if that parking ticket is going to, idk, lead to my arrest — then suddenly, the undoable things become doable again!

Now that I understand better what motivates me to get things done, I can start to structure my days a little bit differently. It’s also given me permission to go back to the drawing board on a lot of stuff, and that’s where the Tiktok hacks come in! Can’t hang up your clothes on hangers? Get a bunch of hooks! Can’t do your dishes? Put all of them away somewhere and only use two of everything. Can’t put things in the trash? Get a wastebasket for every room. Understanding that my brain works differently than many people’s has given me the compassion for myself that I was missing in my childhood, and help me let go of how I SHOULD be able to do things, and find ways that work for me.

Q22:

I’m 32 and autistic, & my entire life I’ve had trouble keeping close friends. I have lots of acquaintances/casual friends but I’ve never been able to maintain the kind of friendships where we hang out one-on-one and/or can talk to each other about important things. Every time I start to feel like I’m becoming close friends with someone, they drop me. This has happened over and over again since I was a tween. Whenever I start hanging out one-on-one with someone and having in-depth conversations, our friendship dissolves and I don’t know why. The dissolution happens over months- my friend(s) will bail on plans over and over (& eventually just say “sorry I’m busy!” when I ask if they want to do something) & stop inviting me to things & etc until I get tired and give up. I’ve never gotten any explanation from anyone about why they don’t want to be around me anymore but I’m the common thread in all of these instances so it’s clearly something to do with me.

I don’t have this trouble in romantic relationships so I don’t know why whatever one-on-one interpersonal skills I have don’t translate to my platonic relationships. I’m in the “my friends drop me” phase of my latest friendship cycle now and I’m tired and I’m sad. I love spending time with my partner and I can talk to her about anything but I wish I also had a friend or two who I could hang out with outside of work or my extracurricular activities. I feel like I must be doing something wrong but I don’t know what it is and I don’t know how to ask. Is it worth it to keep trying? & how do I find out what I’m doing wrong so I can fix my behavior?

A:

Nicole: Friendship is hard!!! Casey spoke to this earlier in this advice box, but our culture doesn’t really talk about how difficult it is to go through friend breakups, or the amount of actual work it takes to cultivate friendships, so I just want to hold space for those thoughts and let you know that you’re not alone in recognizing that this is difficult. I can’t really speak to what could be happening within these friendships since it seems like you might not be sure of that either, and honestly, just because you haven’t found people you’re mutually compatible with as friends, doesn’t mean it’s all on you.

But! Just in case this helps, and in case it might give you something to think about and chew on, and because you mentioned you’re autistic and so I am getting the clue from that that maybe you think this has something to do with your situation, I have a book rec. I have to admit that I haven’t read the entirety of this book (though I read an excerpt I liked!), and only became aware of it because of one of the podcasts I listen to where they interview writers and now I can’t even remember which podcast it was! But! Dr. Camilla Pang, who describes herself as “blessed with the solid combination of ASD, ADHD, and PhD” wrote a book called Explaining Humans that might be of interest. Apologies if you’re already aware of it, but I thought her work — where she’s put together the guide to interacting with other people and human relationships she wished she had as a young neurodivergent person — sounds fascinating! It also looks like she has a new personal essay collection / memoir out.

Also, running along the same lines, have you ever considered seeing if there are any queer and/or neurodivergent meetups for adults in your area? I’m suggesting this because I’m just very much like, no, it’s probably not you and there are people out there that you can be friends with who will give back to you the same energy you’re putting into the friendship! You might be able to find friends who have experienced similar frustrations in their search for friendships this way, too. If there isn’t such a thing, you can also make one, depending on your energy levels. I was at a coffee shop recently and my group of three there was mistaken for a queer meetup group that was apparently happening at the same coffee shop at the same time as three queer people getting coffee, so these meetups must exist! And I’d say that if you live in a somewhat populous area and you wanted to, you could even make some kind of Queer + Neurodivergent Coffee Meetup situation and hold it a few times and see who comes! If I can be any kind of a judge of this, based on the number of questions we get in this very A+ advice box about making friends as an adult, there are a lot of people who similarly desire friendship, and who may have similar communication and friendship styles. Personally, I don’t have a formal diagnosis, but almost all of my close friends have ADHD? And I just find them really easy to get along with? So, I think there is something to seeking out friendships with people who are neurodiverse, if you are.

So, with that, I also want to encourage you to look at Q2 in this advice box where Ro gave some great advice on meeting friends in your 30’s, which is for a variety of reasons especially hard. (I’ve also noticed that people seem to have gotten flakier? Is it just me? I put something on my calendar and then last-minute the other person cancels?) I want to add one more place you can meet people, though, to Ro’s list! Which is that we’re probably going to have another A+ discord popup in June, and I hope you will come and meet people! At the very least, you’ll have the fact that you’re A+ members / Autostraddle readers in common :) I know people who’ve cultivated really meaningful long-term friendships with people online, and you never know when you might hit it off with someone who’s near you, or who you could meet up with if you were ever in the same place at the same time.

Another thing that I’m reading in your question is that maybe your approach to each friendship is the same? Maybe not! I could be wrong, but one thing that’s helpful to me is thinking of friendships in terms of what that friendship revolves around. There is someone I can have a Zoom call with if I want to gossip about local nonprofits. There is someone else in my life who has an encyclopedic knowledge of actors and movies and who will almost always want to watch All About Eve with me. I have friends who I ONLY see at certain art functions and we might very rarely hang out separately, and then there are friendships with people who want to talk about writing or media or what-have-you. Not everyone is a friend who I can dig more deeply with or who will be down to discuss certain aspects of my personal history (especially more traumatic things). Not all my friends share all my interests. Not all of them are interested in the same activities! With a romantic partner, on the other hand, there is often a greater expectation of a commitment to sharing time together, to digging into each others’ whole multitude of interests and histories, etc., than maybe folks have around platonic friendship (though of course platonic friendships can have these qualities, just many don’t, especially with adults). I think, too, that it’s really interesting how during the pandemic, those incidental friendships, the ones you foster because you see people at the same events, really started to fade. I think we’re all going to be doing some friendship building in coming years, and I hope we can all have some grace for ourselves because the past couple of years have been truly difficult when it comes to forming and keeping interpersonal relationships!

Okay, and to finish, I am going to repeat some advice my partner who also happens to be one of the most impressive friendship-maintainers I’ve ever met, gave to me, which is that sometimes people come into your life and they’re friends for the moment, and when that moment is over, the friendship dissolves, but that doesn’t make the friendship you had any less valid. I know this isn’t always the case and it feels like things are over before they get started, but I want to encourage you to let go when it’s not working, and honestly, even if it is because you weren’t compatible as friends, that isn’t a failing on your part, it’s just a fact. I have to tell myself this sometimes because it’s so hard to deal with because that friendship pain is real! But, it’s true. Everyone has their own wild and precious life and their friendships and more going on and sometimes hitting it off with people is just plain luck, so I encourage you to keep going, to try new ways of meeting folks, and to give yourself a ton of grace and to not beat yourself up over this! I feel like, in terms of how things have worked out for me personally, it IS rare that I’m getting the same kind of energy back in a friendship that I’m willing to give, and that just might be a personality thing. So, I tone it down when other people are giving less, and when I feel like when someone else and I are giving an equal exchange within the friendship, I just prioritize and treasure those relationships, and work on deepening those, even if there are far fewer of them. I hope this was helpful and not patronizing or anything like that.

Oh! One last thing: honestly, if you need to take a break from trying to cultivate friendships because you’re exhausted, that is totally fine. I think there’s an unfair idea that having more friendships is somehow better, but that’s not going to happen for everyone. It’s okay if you need to take some time to recuperate before getting out there again. I’m rooting for you and wishing you tons of luck in whatever you decide to do!

Q23:

Hello again! I previously wrote in about my wife refusing to go to therapy. For updated background: I guess long story short things haven’t really gotten any better with the added stresses of her relapsing on her addiction. She did restart therapy, luckily, and we did do some couple’s counseling, but neither seem to have progressed anything. We’re basically at the point where although she is extremely depressed and trying to work through her various feelings of abandonment and disappointment, she doesn’t want to consider other therapy modalities and concludes that none of them will work. She also doesn’t want to restart couples therapy because she feels the therapist will side with me.

I reiterated that I’m concerned for her wellbeing, and our relationship, and that I think trying new approaches or re-engaging a couples therapist would be worth trying, but also that I can’t force her to do anything. I’m planning on giving her some time (ie anywhere from a week to a few weeks, or more, we’ll see), and then seeing where she’s at, but it does feel like I want to work on things and she doesn’t.

So I guess my question is really more related to possible trial separation since at this point it’s up to her to decide that she wants to try to work on things. Do any of you have experience (first hand or not) with trial separation? Did one of the spouses move out temporarily or was it more of an in-house separation? Anything I should mentally prepare for or consider? Or even just anecdotes about separation and whether it was helpful to repair a relationship (primary goal) or to repair how you feel about yourself? Thank you!

A:

Meg: First off, I just want to say that I’m so sorry that you and your wife are going through this. You’re in an incredibly difficult position and it sounds like you’re handling it with as much compassion and empathy as possible, while still recognizing that your needs are also important. Without sharing too many personal details, my ex-husband and I did a trial separation of a few months (before ultimately deciding to get a divorce), and while I want to protect his privacy, I can tell you a few things.

I do think that a separation, particularly if someone has mental health needs that are putting a strain on a relationship, can be a really useful thing. My ex went to stay with his family in another state, while I stayed in our apartment, and having physical distance – particularly since it was a pandemic, and still is! – was very valuable for both of us. Every relationship is different, but given that we were living in close quarters before vaccines were available, having space helped us to assess our needs separately, rather than always putting the other person’s needs over our own. We still spoke nearly every day, either via text or phone calls or Zoom, but we also each had a lot of time to reflect, talk to people we trust and therapists, and consider what made the most sense for our future. If either of you have a place that you can go, ideally with friends or family that can help support you while you’re separated, that can be a really useful way to center yourself and consider what you need.

And while my experience with separation did result in a divorce, I want to emphasize that breaking up also did repair my relationship with my ex. We’re still friends, still share silly tweets and pictures of the dog, still check in about each others’ families and friends. The relationship doesn’t look like it does when we were married, but in taking time apart to put ourselves first, we were able to see what was working in our relationship – and what wasn’t.

My best advice, whether you end up physically separating for a time or not, is to try and put yourself first. In relationships, especially long-term ones, I think it can become a habit to always think about yourselves as a unit, and to consider the other person’s needs as equal to your own. And that’s not a bad thing! But taking the time to consider what would help you to feel valued and fulfilled, what you might need from her to feel like she’s willing to work on your relationship, and how you feel about potential solutions or changes, is a really essential stage of this process. It’s not selfish to consider your own needs, to want to feel stable and cared for, to know that you and your wife are on the same team. Sending you a lot of love.

Q24:

A good friend of mine recently came out as non-binary— she’s still sort of figuring it out, and very private about it, doesn’t want to tell more than a few close ppl. Do you have any favorite resources, readings, ppl to follow online, abt the various ways ppl claim a non-binary identity? My friend expressed shame that she’s not “non-binary enough” and that her femme presentation means she can’t really be non-binary. I know there’s gotta be non-binary femmes out there(??) halp!

A:

Nicole: Thank you so much for writing in! I’d encourage your friend to write in herself if she ever wanted to (and if she can’t afford an A+ membership, that’s what the pool is for!).

In terms of reading, just off the top of my head, Amari very recently published this piece reflecting on Janelle Monáe’s nonbinary femme identity as it relates to their own and I think you should read it and maybe send to your friend! (And if your friend is an A+ member, Amari’s A+ essay is excellent, too.) I also highly recommend this essay, What You Think A Woman Looks Like by Nat Razi that Autostraddle published last year for AAPI Heritage Month. In general, too, I think if your friend decides to search the nonbinary tag on instagram or anywhere else, she’ll see plenty of people of femme expression and also maybe run into the idea that nonbinary people don’t owe anyone androgyny! I am not the best social media person out there but I encourage you all to link to your favorite social accounts that you think this person might enjoy in the comments! Use the code: <a href=”the link URL”>link text</a> to put a link in the comments (don’t do more than 3 though or the spam filter will snag ya!).

And then, on top of those recommended reads, I just want to say that we are all tiny dots floating on a rock that is hurtling through space where high heeled shoes as we know them today started as “men’s” fashion. Style and what it means to look “feminine” or “masculine” has transformed and continues to evolve over time and, really, the people influencing those changes are frequently people who choose to decorate their bodies in ways that excite them and bring them joy, in turn inspiring others. So, if your friend feels nonbinary, that is, not on the binary which at its most essential just means that your friend does not exist within one of two categories that are binary, then I think she should feel free to go right ahead and identify with the way she feels and use the label that she feels best suits her! And I hope that she feels free to dress and present in any way that makes her feel good, including if that changes day to day or even multiple times a day! None of us owe anyone else anything with regards to how we clothe, paint, or otherwise adorn our bodies, and I hope that maybe your friend can do her best to journey toward freedom. I was talking to someone recently who said that they feel like being nonbinary is “a gateway drug,” and I love thinking about it that way. It’s not an androgynous identity you have to cram or restrict yourself into. It’s a gateway. It’s a point of departure. It’s a start to a journey.

Sending you and your friend tons of love!

Q25:

I’m realizing that (even worse during the pandemic) I let ppl live rent free in my head A LOT! Like, even to the point where I’ll have a reaction to something (I see a photo I like, read something that really resonates with me, etc.) and my immediate next thought will be “Oh I bet if [insert friend, sibling, parent] saw that they’d think [something negative].” And vice versa! I’ll read something that really rubs me the wrong way and my mind is like “Ugh god I bet [annoying coworker] would think this is so cool 🙄” My brain feels like it is broken! I can’t just have an enjoyable or otherwise present moment with myself without thinking about how someone else will perceive it. Does this happen to anyone else? I feel like it’s probably been made worse by me scrolling the Internet and watching the wide variety of opinions literally anyone can have about literally anything. I don’t want to be a hermit- I’d like to be able to engage with the world and people with different opinions and viewpoints without it turning into a little annoying thing I nic myself on over and over again. I also tend to replay conversations over in my head long after the moment has passed, analyzing what I could’ve said differently or reliving the irritation. So.. I guess my question is: Does this happen to anyone else, and what do you do to cope? Any thoughts on any of this really are appreciated. 💜 thank you!

A:

Ro: You’re definitely not alone! I think the self-critical voice that lives in most of our heads is, more often than not, the imagined voice of someone else — whether that’s a friend, a partner, a family member or a coworker. With the help of a therapist a few years ago, I discovered that most of my negative body thoughts weren’t based on my own values — they were based on my mom’s values. So I started saying, “Shut up, mom,” out loud whenever I caught myself having a thought that wasn’t my own. It sounds silly, but it really helped! When you catch yourself in a self-critical spiral, try responding to the thought out loud, in writing and in your head. After some time, this practice might help you separate yourself from the thought and the values it represents.

Vanessa: I struggle with this a lot — you are definitely not alone! In fact, one could argue my entire novel-in-progress is about the problem you’re describing, amongst other things, so I’ve clearly spent a lot of time thinking about this and have quite a bit to say! The very short version is that for me, this is partially just how I am but partially informed by social media and my obsession with “staying connected” to everyone I’ve ever met. But! I can practice shifting this part of me, because it doesn’t always serve me well and I’d like it to be different. There have been times when it doesn’t bother me how much I think about others, but the older I get, the less I like it. That has prompted a shift. The main work I’ve been doing is strengthening my own inner compass and set of core values; this means doing some hard internal work! But my goal is to figure out who I AM and what I LIKE and DISLIKE and THINK and FEEL without the cloud of other people in my mind. This means not always texting my best friend to ask her opinion when I’m dating someone or experiencing something; it means not scrolling through Instagram first thing when I wake up; it means doing my best to learn MYSELF before I spend too much time thinking about others. I realize this isn’t super concrete advice, and perhaps that’s because I am still working through things myself. DBT group therapy has been helpful. Blocking and muting certain people who really amp me up in a bad way on social media has been helpful. Using social media less in general has been helpful. Journaling has been helpful. Going outside and leaving my phone at home has been helpful. And then also sometimes just accepting that my brain works like this, and that’s okay, and I can manage it day by day has been helpful too. I hope some of those suggestions help you, too.

Q26:

My partner is asexual. I am not. We are monogamous. Without going into detail for privacy reasons, are there any resources (articles, books, IG accounts, Youtube videos, etc. etc.) to help me support both my partner and myself? Any communities for aro partners of ace people?

A:

Valerie Anne: Okay this is going to sound insane but I would poke around in some aro/ace hashtags on tiktok until you find an account that you feel matches your situation best. There are so many people talking about such specific experiences and I find it a very informative space, if you’re willing to take the time to dig a little.

Q27:

Any advice on a poly/ENM relationship transitioning to friendship? My partner and I started a relationship knowing I would be moving across the country at the end of the summer and would not be moving back. We’re already long distance now (albeit a 3 hour car/train ride) and have committed to being partners during this time. And we’ve communicated that although our relationship will change when I move, we’ll always have deep love and care for each other. I know that we’ll need to talk when I move about changing boundaries, but I’m curious if any of you have thoughts/experiences on this?

A:

Vanessa: It sounds like you’ve already taken some time and care to discuss things together, and all I can recommend is continuing to make space to be open and honest as your relationship shifts! The experiences I’ve had of shifting relationship boundaries/statuses most successfully have been when both people are on the same page about the shift, when we have both been honest if we need to take a little space or not hear about new dates for a minute, and when we genuinely put time and energy into a friendship/new form of our relationship (rather than just acting like the friendship is Our Old Relationship Lite(TM) or A Less Important Version Of What We Once Had). Like I said, it sounds like you two are already setting yourselves up for success, and I wish you well in future deep love and care for one another!

Q28:

Editor’s Note: the following question contains mentions of childhood sexual abuse.

Hi all, a pretty heavy question here but I feel a little lost and don’t feel comfortable sharing with friends yet. The TL;Dr is I was molested by an uncle when I was starting puberty. I told a trusted adult about what he was doing and they had him apologize to me but still expected me to be around him, including alone or giving me rides, etc. I dealt with this until I left home as an adult. There was never any police report or anything filed.

I’m in my early thirties now and have been mostly estranged from all family (including him) for a decade. My aunt reached out to me online and I respond to her mostly because she seems isolated and I feel bad. She was my uncle’s wife at the time he was abusing me but I never talked to her about it directly. She mentioned him several times in emails (“TK says hi” type stuff) before I finally reminded her he had sexually abused me and I didn’t want to hear messages from him or have her share information about me. She denied ever knowing anything, said she threw up, etc.

Anyway, now she’s back to mentioning him again; I told her I was having a surgery, for example, and when she sent well wishes, she said he wishes me good luck. So not only is she telling him info about my life, she’s still mentioning him to me.

I feel bad for my aunt, as I know she feels lonely and doesn’t have a lot of friends or support, especially during COVID. But I feel so disrespected and angry, and frankly, didn’t ask her to reach out to me to begin with.

Is it okay to block her? I feel so guilty, as she is older and her health isn’t good. But still :/

A:

Ro: I’m so sorry that you experienced childhood sexual abuse. Yes, it is absolutely ok to cut off a family member who is continually crossing your boundaries and sharing your personal information with your abuser. You have every right to feel disrespected and angry, and no matter how old or sick or lonely she might be, your aunt is not entitled to your presence in her life.

Valerie Anne: I totally agree with Ro. Blood relation is not an excuse for ignoring your boundaries; I know we’re raised to feel like we have a higher obligation to family than anyone else regardless of their actions and that’s a hard habit to break but, in my experience, that can lead to really toxic relationships. You (bravely) shared your boundary explicitly, and by continuing to mention him, she’s continuing to cross it (not to mention that I think giving your abuser information about you is crossing a whole separate boundary no one should have had to give her), and that’s unacceptable. If she wanted to keep a relationship with you to avoid being lonely, she was given ample opportunity to do that and she blew it.

Vanessa: Just want to strongly co-sign Ro and Valerie Anne. It is 100% okay to block your aunt. I’m so sorry you experienced childhood sexual abuse, and I’m so sorry your aunt is not respecting your very clear and VERY reasonable boundaries now in adulthood. You haven’t done anything wrong, and you won’t be doing anything wrong by blocking her and enforcing your boundaries.

Q29:

Editor’s Note: the following section contains mentions of death and homicide.

Without going into too many details, I have a friend and one of her relatives killed another member of their family. (There’s no question about this person’s guilt). Thankfully my friend already has a therapist. I’m wondering if you have advice for how to be supportive to someone who is going through such horror in their life. I’ve supported friends through all manner of life events but never anything so wildly traumatic.

A:

Ro: It’s so hard to know what to do after a loved one has gone through a traumatic event. Your friend might not even know what they need right now. Let them know that you’re there to listen if they want to talk about what happened, and otherwise, just invite them to do stuff. Focus on things that don’t totally hinge on talking. Instead of asking your friend to grab coffee and chat, invite them to go for a hike or take a yoga class or craft or volunteer. Some people who have recently been through trauma just want to get out of their heads and do something that feels normal.

Darcy: I’m so sorry that your friend is going through this. I totally agree with Ro, and I also wanted to add that if you’re in a position to, you may want to offer some specific, task-based support. Is your friend having trouble getting the dishes done, or getting to the grocery store? Is a meal train, organized with some of their other friends, something that would help them? Does their dog need to be walked? None of these specific means of support may be right for your friend, but asking never hurts – and as your friend confides in you, you may be able to spot additional ways that you might be able to help. <3

Vanessa: I agree with Ro and Darcy — I don’t think talking needs to be the focus of the support you offer this friend, unless they initiate it. This is not the same at all, but when my dad died, I often didn’t know what I needed from friends — but I knew my groceries weren’t getting bought, my dishes weren’t getting done, etc. Friends who showed up with food, who showed up to wash my dishes, who showed up to rub my back until I fell asleep — those were the gestures I appreciated most, because it was helping me live my life in a very concrete way when life felt unlivable. I’m so sorry your friend is experiencing this right now, but I’m glad she has a person like you in her life. I wish you both peace moving forward.