Welcome to the 57th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed! This month’s theme is MONEY QUESTIONS. Do you have questions about relationships & money, about budgeting, about decisions that will also impact your financial situation? Now’s the time to get those in! Get them in by Tomorrow Tuesday the 5th, in fact!

The general Into the A+ Advice Box, like this one, where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

How can I respectfully ask out someone while they’re at work?

Context: I go every week to my local gay bar, and there’s one person there who will either a) give me free drinks b) severely discount my drinks (50% off) or c) let me in without me paying cover every single time I see them. I can’t tell if this is them being friendly because they see me a lot, or if they’re interested.

I usually wouldn’t have a problem with asking someone out, but I don’t want to make someone uncomfortable at work, especially someone who relies on tips. What’s a respectful way to gauge interest or figure out what’s going on that prevents an imbalanced power dynamic?

A:

Abeni: You can’t. It’s almost never appropriate to ask someone out when they are at their job. What you can do, though, is slip them your number at some point (when you’re leaving!), with a note saying that you’d be interested in going on a date if they’re interested, and then leave the ball in their court. If they want to reach out to you, they will. If they don’t, don’t make a big deal of it or make it awkward the next time you see them, and drop it.

It’s likely they’re just being friendly because you’re a regular. Hopefully, no matter what happens, you have been and will continue to tip them the normal amount when they give you free drinks or discounts, by the way.

Vanessa: Totally co-sign Abeni on this one. I am of the very firm belief that there is really no way to ask someone out in a respectful way while they are working a service job where their livelihood is directly tied to being tipped. I also agree that leaving your number and letting them decide if they want to make the move when they are off the clock is a great workaround here.

Nicole: I also just want to jump in here to point out that it’s good to be aware of the power dynamics at play, which you are and which is why you wrote in, so I love that. That’s awesome. To just go a bit deeper into the situation, in a customer service person / customer situation like this, you are one of, likely, many customers this person has. It sounds like you’re a regular and/or a favorite of this person! That’s a cool thing and it probably means you’ve been a chill person in the space! From personal experience, when in a public facing, in-person customer service position like this, because you’re working, your focus is on your work and is doled out amongst customers, which creates an uneven dynamic where customers, who are there in their down time, have more time to observe you, to think about you, etc. I’m not saying that your situation is like one I’m about to describe — because they obviously recognize you — but I’ve been approached by someone who’s like “I’ve seen you here a few times and you seem interesting. Would you like to go out?” And then I’m just like ??? I have never seen this person before why were they watching me? I’m only talking about that to illustrate what I am trying to say about focus and how you have more time in this situation to consider them, which takes me into seconding all of Vanessa and Abeni’s advice above! You can definitely leave your number, but also be prepared in case this surprises the other person because they were just being friendly with someone they think of as one of the people who they like to come in on their shift! And if nothing happens, like Abeni said, I hope you’ll keep going there and tipping and that you won’t worry too much about it. (Good luck, too, though! Sending good thoughts your way!)

Q2:

I’ve bought some nice sheets and have decided it’s time to invest in a sex blanket. I don’t want to ruin my very expensive, brand-new sheets!!

All the purpose-made sex blankets I’ve seen, like the ones made by Liberator, are $$$. Does anyone have any recommendations for regular, relatively affordable blankets (or nice towels) that can be used as sex blankets?

The sex I have isn’t super wet — no squirting or piss or semen,, just lube and front hole juice and occasionally a tiny bit of poop or blood — which makes me feel like I can maybe get away with not having one of the professional, mega leak proof blankets. thoughts??

A:

Abeni: I’m definitely not an expert, and don’t frequently have “messy” sex, but I invested in a waterproof mattress cover when I moved into my new apartment and I highly recommend it. My issue is that I sweat at night – a lot – and previous mattresses have gotten sweat stains. With the cover, my mattress looks brand-new over a year later. This won’t protect your sheets, though, but I always figured sheets are washable while a mattress is not. If I ever have anal or period sex or attempt to help my partner squirt, we just put a regular old towel down, but your mileage may vary – we’re not a very wet couple when it comes to sex.

Vanessa: Okay, I *do* frequently have messy sex, and I will say that when/if you ever decide it’s worth it, I love my Liberator throw (I have the purple one) and it has lasted for YEARS (truly like, going on six years at this point I think) and continues to work just as well as when I first bought it, so I do recommend that particular item very highly. That said, if you’re just looking for something you want to throw over your nice sheets when you’re going to be a little messy and things won’t get super wet, any blanket can double as a sex blanket! Just buy something soft and comfy and designate it your “sex blanket,” keep it in a basket near the bed or a bin under the bed, and whip it out anytime things get sexy. Boom, you have a sex blanket! Finally, if you *do* occasionally have very wet sex but really can’t or don’t want to invest in the expensive Liberator throw, puppy pads work just fine. Are they the most sexy and comfy? Nah. Are they perfect for protecting your sheets and your mattress? Hell yes. Oh, and I also co-sign on Abeni’s recommendation to get a mattress protector – while not answering your specific need, those are wonderful as some extra protection for your mattress when it comes to sex, sweat, blood, and anything else messy you can think of!

Ro: I love the suggestions from Abeni and Vanessa! For minimally messy sex, a black towel works just fine, but if you want more surface area coverage, check out this article I wrote in 2020 for more ideas. My favorite budget-friendly option is plastic sheeting, which you can get in a big roll for around $20 from a hardware store. It can cover your whole bed (or couch or floor or wherever you’re fucking), which makes clean up super easy. However, it is definitely not environmentally friendly, so only whip it out when you think you’ll really need it.

Meg: Messy sex is great and sex blankets are truly incredible inventions. I bought this one on Amazon (sorry) several years ago and it works so well, comes in tons of sizes, and goes right into the washing machine and dryer with no problem.

Q3:

Hi,

I’m from France and have been living in Switzerland for the past 7 years. I long for a queer, kinky community with which to do kinky things and some activism too, but it seems I am not able to find or create such a community. I don’t really know how to go for it either, and I’m feeling super lonely and a bit stranded (my familial ties aren’t that strong). I’ve tried fetlife in my area and it looks full of older cis, straight dudes.

I have quite a few queer acquaintances, but none I’d feel comfortable asking “hey, are you into kink? Do you want to build a community around it?” How do I go about this?

(Also, I have been thinking of moving to Barcelona where all both 2 queer acquaintances I have are into that… But I have a job here and Spain has a lot of unemployment and I’m a handicapped with expensive meds, as in they cost more than my rent and would also cost roughly more than a local rent over there.)

Whew, this went everywhere.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts, or at least your compassion!

A:

Vanessa: Hi! I definitely feel a lot of compassion for you; it’s so frustrating to want to be part of a certain kind of community that you suspect would feed your soul and your brain and your body and not know where/how to start making it. I’m sorry it’s been challenging to foster where you currently live, and that it may not be viable in terms of the rest of your life needs to move to somewhere where it would be easier.

That said, I think the internet is an excellent place to start. Not necessarily on FetLife, but on Instagram! I follow a LOT of kinky people on Instagram, and it’s proven to be a place to make genuine connections with other people who are interested in the same things I am. It was also just so validating to witness people being openly kinky when I first started coming into my kink identity (that sounds corny but hopefully you know what I mean). I’d suggest following @daemonumx, @bimbo.theory, @kolbybrianne, and @freshmilkmommy just off the top of my head. From there, focus on making connections the same way you would interact with any strangers online — don’t be overly familiar or demanding of anyone’s time, but keep an eye out for when people explicitly create calls for community connections (for example some accounts will do matchmaking, or livestreams with lively comment sections, or set up discords, etc.) I hope this is helpful, and I hope it helps to know a random dyke in Portland, OR is rooting for you to find your kinky community!

Ro: I love Vanessa’s suggestion — I also follow those accounts, and they are very informative and very, very hot. I also recommend looking up your local sex toy store(s) to see if they host any kink-focused workshops or social events. I haven’t spent time in Switzerland, but I’ve worked in a couple of sex toy stores in the U.S. that regularly hosted rope bondage classes, kinky movie screenings, etc., and attendees seemed to make a lot of new friends (and potential play partners) there.

Q4:

I was born male but in every other sense I have always been all female.

I have always identified with female characters in movies, tv shows or in books, never male. When I dream, I have always been a girl, usually an older sister or a loving Mom. I love wearing mascara and nail polish.

But as strong as this female side is I feel like an imposter because of the incongruity with my outward appearance.

It inhibits me. I feel I have much to offer here in the community but still feel that I am: a “boy” who is not a boy and a “girl” who is not complete. I feel I often need to mention “I was born male” otherwise it doesn’t feel honest and if I don’t get a response to some post, my first thought is “people must think I am an imposter or a poser”. In the past, I left this site for several years because these thoughts were too hard to bear.

I have sincere, heartfelt respect and compassion for all people no matter where they land on the spectrum but I have difficulty affording myself the same compassion.

For several decades I suffered severe depression and suicidal thoughts trying to reconcile the gender duality. With the help of antidepressants and therapy the worst is long past but I still can’t shake the feeling of not being a whole woman.

Transitioning is not an option for a variety of reasons even though I already have a number of feminine physical traits (almost no body hair, for ex).

Suggestions on how not to feel like an imposter? Is it ok to not mention I was born male and just let things be? I am all girl and damn proud of it, until I look in the mirror.

A:

Abeni: The sad news I have for you, as a fellow trans woman, is that the vast majority of people will witness you – maybe because of your height, or voice, or shoulder width or neck or hand size or body shape or whatever other arbitrary metric – and think “man.” Many people, including in the lesbian community, will always see you as an imposter or poser. That’s just how it is, and it’s likely always going to be somewhat uncomfortable, annoying, even distressing. It does get less so over time, though, as you build a community of affirming people and eventually stop caring as much about what others think about you.

Part of your work will be understanding what you mean by not being “complete” or “whole” and why you feel that way. You’ll need to unpack your internalized gender essentialism. You’ll need to understand what the barriers are to self-love that keep you from extending to yourself the same compassion you give others. Sometimes we do a thing where we anticipate rejection, out of a sense of self-preservation, and don’t reach out or make connections – thus assuring ourselves the lack of connection we fear. That makes sense, but … it’s not in your best interest.

I’m curious about what you mean by “transitioning is not an option.” Do you mean medical transition? Surgery? Those aren’t the only, or most important, ways to transition. The primary core of transition happens solely in your own mind. I’m concerned by your comment about “feminine physical traits.” There are plenty of hairy women. There are women of all body types and traits. Hopefully, the more that you come to internalize and understand this, the less like an imposter you’ll feel. If you can’t be “out” enough in terms of your gender presentation for safety reasons or something like that, however, and are continually distressed by the incongruity between how you see yourself and how you feel you’re allowed to present yourself to the world, you may need to consider changing your circumstances so that becomes possible.

Finally, you aren’t obligated to say anything about yourself to anyone (other than, perhaps, a doctor) that you don’t want to. You don’t have to tell anyone you were “born male,” and based on your letter, it doesn’t seem like that is even true. Just because the doctor assigned you male at birth doesn’t mean you were “born” as anything in particular. Now, for practical purposes, if you’re out and about it’s probably in your best interest to be up front about your trans experience when dating, or in IRL women’s bathrooms or other women’s spaces. You shouldn’t deny that you’re trans when you’re clocked, if only for your own safety, but you also don’t have to wear a trans flag or pin at all times to signal to everyone how you identify.

Q5:

Hello, I’d like to know, is it a date? I may be the one person who really prefers dating apps to organic meetups. I like it because “it is a date”. However, of the last two people, 1 was like “I am demi and prefer to be friends first” and the 2nd was like “I am open to all possibilities”. I am also fine with making friends, but I tend to go lovers to friends (or can typically decide within one to two dates if I will want to date or never see them again or not date but maybe be friends) rather than friends to lovers so this is confusing for me! Fwiw, I am non monogamous with a nesting partner so I’m mostly looking for other (ideally partnered) people to be friends with, with or without hookups. I have also been interrogating my sexuality lately and have come to describe myself as a sex favorable ace so my other problem is that if I’m not thinking of it as a date I will not move that way naturally. Anyway, help.

A:

Vanessa: You gotta ask! Ideally before you even meet up. I’m also a fan of dating apps because you can be really clear about what you’re looking for and really clear when asking other people what they’re looking for. That doesn’t mean everyone will communicate 100% truthfully, but you’re more likely to get closer to the truth if you’re upfront. I’d make it very clear on your profile exactly what you wrote here (re: your current living and romantic situation, what you’re looking for, and how you identify) and then be discerning when you’re swiping. If someone is looking for a nesting partner you won’t be a good match — try to keep an eye out for people who say they’re explicitly looking for dates or sex if that’s what you want, or for people who are explicitly looking for friendship if that’s what you want. This strategy will immediately cut down on matching with people who have different wants/needs than you. Then, when you DO match with people and make plans to meet, be explicit. Ask them if they are viewing the meeting as a date, a friend hang, or an uncertain space where you two will decide together. You don’t have to ask a million questions, but it’s perfectly reasonable to request information about the meeting you’re setting up so you can go in prepared accordingly. If things are murky or undefined before you meet, feel free to ask at any point during the actual date, “hey, is this a date for you?” Feel free to ask what that means to the other person and let them know what that does/doesn’t mean to you! Good luck! Have fun on your dates and not-dates alike!

Q6:

I have found myself part of a thriving friend group of overlapping circles. We share values on life and they are all-around fantastic people. When we hang out I have an amazing time. But the next morning, I always experience a crash where I spiral into shame and self loathing. I dissect and criticize everything I said, and start to worry they’re all closer with each other than with me, or they all find me really annoying, or I was a pity invite, or I talked too much, or talked about the wrong things (even though I don’t have evidence for any of this). I struggled with friends as a child and was the “weird” one, so I feel grateful to have these friendships now and maintaining them is extremely important to me. I’ve worked on skills like active listening, open body language, not interrupting, smiling… focusing on skills helps me with anxiety in the moment but doesn’t prevent The Crash, especially since the next day I can always pick out the times I messed one up. For a while I thought my goal was to be more “present” and “in the moment”, but as I work on this I find it’s the times when I’m the MOST present that I feel the worst crash after, because I can’t remember every single thing I said or did. I just want to be close to people. How do I break out of this cycle?

A:

Vanessa: I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. It sounds like you’re doing a good job fact checking yourself and affirming that you do not have any evidence that The Crash (to use your terminology) is based in fact, but I can relate to that terrible feeling of shame and regret after interacting with people even if you don’t have any objective evidence that you’ve done anything wrong, and I know that logic and fact checking can only go so far to quell those feelings. I’m not a professional, just a girl with a lot of anxiety and a small toolbox of skills I have collected over the years to manage that anxiety, so please take this advice with that in mind. It sounds to me like you are having a somatic reaction to something, and so it’s not going to be helpful to try to talk/logic your way out of it. You have to meet your body where it’s at, because your body is the one crashing, so to speak. How would you treat a child when they are in distress? Can you try to care for yourself with the same gentleness? If you know The Crash is going to come the next day, you can prepare in advance: leave yourself some space to have a hard time the next day, make a cup of tea, snuggle under a warm weighted blanket, take a bath, do a meditation exercise, practice breathing, eat your favorite food, snuggle a pet… focusing less on the analytical part of your experience and more on the bodily sensations will remind you that you are safe and cared for, and I hope you will find a surprising amount of comfort in that. Actively NOT going into an analytical space is really challenging for me, but it does wonders when I focus on how my body is cared for rather than what my brain wants to spiral out on. If you want to go another route, I would also investigate DBT — I’ve spoken a lot about DBT in other Advice Boxes because I am evangelical about it. Short for Dialectical Behavior Therapy, it is a skills-based therapy module that is usually taught in group situations and provides skills to manage distress, interpersonal relationships, and all the hard and overwhelming shit life can throw at us. Which leads to my final suggestion: if it’s accessible for you, I really think you should find a therapist to talk to about this. It seems from your question that there could be a lot of underlying things working to make you feel this way, and you do not deserve to feel like this. And you don’t have to. With a therapist, you can decide what methods of therapy would be most useful to unpack the history that has caused this cycle, and you will be able to focus on enjoying the friend group you have built and deserve.

Q7:

Hello,
I’ve struggled with depression a bunch this winter, and have been living with my partner of 5 years for the past few months. My question is: how do I know when I’m unhappy with my relationship separate from just feeling unhappy across the board?

I find myself feeling unhappy with my relationship not un-often, but when I think about how I’m doing overall, I’m like “well I don’t feel happy about much at the moment”. And I really don’t know how I can get an honest read on just my relationship when my depression has been coloring my life so much.

A:

Vanessa: I’m not sure how useful this advice will be, but I want to say… when you are completely honest with yourself, when you look deep in your heart and think, “Am I happy in this relationship?” I think you will know the answer. I say this because it was true for me last summer. If you’re thinking “Vanessa, shut up, that’s ridiculous,” I accept that and I invite you to ignore my take! But truly — last summer I was deeply depressed, and I was in a relationship that was making everything much worse for me, but I stayed because I kept saying, “Well, I’m already depressed, it’s not like ANYTHING is making me happy.” But I also knew, in my heart of hearts, that the negative aspects of my relationship were making me feel a lot worse. When I finally got the resolve to end things with my ex, I was shocked to find how much of my terrible feelings had been caused directly by our relationship. Sure, I was already depressed (because my dad had died) but being with someone who was actively lying to me was making everything so much worse. It’s not like my depression lifted after we broke up, but I did find myself lighter, more capable of doing small things to care for myself, more willing to believe things might shift to a happier place one day (and they did, and I hope they do for you, too). So, is it ridiculous to say “I know in your heart you know what the answer is here”? Maybe. But do I really feel that way? I do. What does your heart say, when you get real honest? Listen.

Ro: Depression sucks, and sometimes it seemingly happens out of nowhere. But like Vanessa said, circumstances can also directly cause depression or at least contribute to it. I think it could be helpful to spend some time thinking or writing about your relationship’s history. Presumably, you felt happy with your partner at some point. What aspects of your relationship brought you joy in the past? Are there things you used to do with your partner that you’re no longer doing? Are there areas where you and your partner can put in more effort to make your relationship feel exciting and special? Once you’ve grappled with those questions a bit on your own, talk to your partner about how you’ve been feeling and check in with them about how they’re feeling about your relationship (if my partner were feeling unhappy in our relationship, I would absolutely want to know that!). Maybe your partner is also feeling unsatisfied and the two of you can come up with ways to bring joy back into your relationship. Or maybe you’ll decide to part ways.

When I’m feeling depressed or anxious, I can have a hard time trusting my own judgment. If you also feel this way, reach out for support. For me, talking through things with my therapist or with a trusted friend often helps me find the root cause of my malaise. No matter how you get there, I hope you can identify any contributing factors to your current bout depression and get on the other side of it soon.

Q8:

Help! I just initiated my first breakup, and my (now former) partner did not take it well. I know there are many tropes about people saying bananas angry pants things when a person is breaking up with them, and a lot of what this person said truly felt like going for the emotional jugular (intellectually I know it’s not true, but I let some comments got under my skin).

Is it “normal” for someone to spew shitty statements at you when you breakup with them? Am I wrong for expecting more respect?

Thanks,
Second-guessing my own standards

A:

Vanessa: You’re not wrong for expecting more respect. Unfortunately it *is* common for people to get really mean and vindictive when they’re being broken up with. We can have empathy for the person hurting and still know that we do not have to put up with their bad behavior. I am a big fan of going “no contact” with exes for a few months after a breakup specifically to avoid this kind of bad behavior from a person I used to love. I always think it will be temporary and one day we’ll be friends, but unfortunately I’ve mostly experienced such disrespectful behavior from people once I break up with them that there is nothing to salvage once the no contact period is over. Anyway! All this to say, I’m so sorry your former partner did not take the breakup well. If you think about it, that’s not surprising. You made a decision that prioritized you over them; they are not getting what they want and they are potentially very hurt and heartbroken. That sucks, and I wish them healing. But I wish YOU peace, and respect, and healing, too. I’m sorry their behavior has left you second-guessing. You do not deserve someone to go for your emotional jugular, intentionally or otherwise. I hope you get more respect from future dates and future exes — actually, I hope we all do!

Ro: Vanessa is right — it’s pretty common for people to say intentionally hurtful things when they’re getting dumped, but I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s normal. It’s still possible to treat people with respect when you’re hurting.

For me, the way my former partners have behaved during or after our breakup has informed whether or not I want to pursue friendship with them in the future. One of my exes definitely said some vindictive things during our breakup, but after a few years of no contact, that ex reached out and apologized for how they had behaved. Now we’re good friends. But the ex who tried to block me from career opportunities after our breakup isn’t someone I could have in my life as a friend at any point. Use this moment as an opportunity to consider if/how you’d like your ex to be part of your life in the future. And like Vanessa said, going no contact for months (or years) can be informative and healing.

Q9:

Any tips for surviving your early 20s? I’m 21, and I feel like a huge giant mess all the time? I’m taking a gap year from school but I’m theoretically going to finish my BA sometime in the next two years– in something that doesn’t easily translate to any particular career (especially not the one I want), working makes me very anxious, I feel like I’m bad at everything, I rely on my parents what feels like too much, and I can’t keep my apartment clean to save my life. I think my emotions are more out of whack and confusing now than they were when I was 13. How do I make and keep friends? How do I find a job that’s reasonably tolerable? How do I figure out what to do after college? How do I keep my space clean? How do I not cry all the time? Also any good fast dinner recipes that aren’t ramen?

Thanks in advance love you all, love to read Autostraddle!

A:

Vanessa: Oh my gosh, babe! You’re not a giant mess, you’re just 21. Or like, maybe you are a giant mess, but that’s just part of growing up and being 21. Everything should feel messy and confusing and overwhelming and weird right now — you’re growing into yourself, you’re literally becoming who you will be as an adult (and you will continue evolving and growing and changing your whole life, with any luck, so I can’t promise you’ll ever feel really done being messy, though I can say from personal experience that I have felt more secure and grounded in my thirties than I ever did in my twenties). I don’t know if this is comforting, but so many of us have been exactly where you are now and we made it through. We survived! You’re gonna keep going. You’re gonna make it through.

As for your specific questions: Make friends by exploring your interests, being genuine and open to new connections, showing up sincerely and treating your new friends the way you’d like them to treat you, and have a “yes, and” attitude! Keep friends by continuing to show up and investing deeply in the relationships in the same way society tells you to invest deeply in a lover. Your friends can be your family — treat them like it. Find a job that’s reasonably tolerable by applying to a bunch of stuff that seems interesting and trying it out. Follow the money, follow your interest, figure out how much you need to live comfortably and strive for that, but try not to make your job your identity — it can just be the thing that makes you money so you can live your LIFE and that is just fine. Don’t worry about figuring out what to do after college, specifically — don’t even assume that you HAVE to go back to college — just keep putting one step in front of the other and then when you’re done with all your steps, you’ll realize you’ve lived a whole life. Keep your space clean by tidying up a little bit at the end of each day and doing a major chore day once a week if you can — get some hot tips from Ari in our Queer Homemaker series. Cry if you need to. My favorite fast dinner recipes are this bean dish, this veggie dish, and frankly, scrambled eggs on toast.

You’re gonna make it. It’s gonna be beautiful. I’m so excited for you. <3

Ro: Give yourself a break! Getting through your early twenties is HARD. I managed to bumble through my early twenties with some semblance of grace because I happened to be in a relationship with someone who was a few years older and taught me how to apply for an apartment and do my taxes and create a grocery budget, and even then, I still made a LOT of mistakes. That’s normal! Your prefrontal cortex won’t be fully developed until you’re 25. I love Vanessa’s overall advice and her answers to your specific questions. Here are mine:

Make friends by showing up places. Become a regular at your local coffee shop and talk to people. Take an art class. Join a yoga studio. Attend queer events. Put yourself in situations where you’ll be surrounded by new people who are probably looking for friends, too.

When you’re applying for jobs, talk to other people who have also worked for the employer or check out the employer’s reviews on Glassdoor. This will give you an idea of the the overall workplace culture.

You don’t have to know what you’re going to do after college. Try things. Eventually, you’ll find something that sticks, but you can always change directions. I primarily worked as a performer until I was 29, and now I’m a full-time writer and editor. I know someone who quit an office job in her late thirties to literally join the circus. You don’t have to be stuck.

If you forget to clean, create a cleaning schedule for yourself and get in the habit of doing little tasks every day. If you hate cleaning, put on some headphones and listen to music or a good audiobook while you do your dishes and sweep and tidy up.

It’s ok to cry!

Dinner doesn’t have to be fancy. Carb/protein/vegetable is a good strategy for building a well-rounded meal. Make a bunch of rice every few days and just add different ingredients each night to make a stir fry. You can even buy pre-washed, pre-chopped veggies if your budget allows for that.

Q10:

What, in yinz’s opinion, is the best holder for the sex items? I don’t really have a bag or box for my sex toys, which means I have to wash them before sex every time since they get dusty. Also it’s annoying to take them other places. What are some suggestions for a bag or box or other carrier? Is a fishing tackle box a good idea?

A:

Vanessa: We published a piece about this in 2012, which, oh my god, was 10 years ago! I think it still holds up, but perhaps our Sex & Dating editor Ro will publish something new about this topic at some point! Anyway I think a fishing tackle box sounds hot. If you get one let us know how it goes!

Ro: As Autostraddle’s Sex & Dating Editor/ sex educator/ former sex toy store employee, I have amassed a VAST collection of sex toys. And I love your tackle box idea! At home, I keep my toys organized in a large tool box that I got for around $20-30 at a hardware store. I store the larger toys (dildos, wands, restraints, etc.) in individual canvas bags in the large bottom compartment, which helps protect them from lint and dust, and I keep the smaller toys (bullet vibes, nipple clamps, smaller butt plugs, etc.) in the removable upper compartment. There are also small compartments on the lid, which is where I store dental dams, nitrile gloves and lube packets. But no matter how careful I am, lint loves to stick to silicone, so sometimes I still have to give my dildos a quick rinse before I use them.

Q11:

I need style wisdom! My office is requiring me to back in the office in April and my negative feelings about that aside that means just as it’s starting to warm up and spring and summer professional clothing is staring me in the face. I like dressing for work (biz casual but casual enough for jeans) and in the cold months it’s fine because I have a “uniform”: everything is black and gray, pants with a long sleeve shirt and either textured or otherwise interesting pullover (not sweaters tho) or a leather jacket/bomber/blazer. But I have not yet found a warm weather version! And in the warm months I have a lot more Gender Issues to deal with in general. I live in a city, I walk everywhere, I’m NB, inhabit a female body, go for a sort of mildly intimidating assassin look, like to play with some feminine things (like boots with heels and lipstick and earrings) but don’t like to *feel* too feminine which I realize is extremely relative and personal. Look this is very hard to explain!! Last summer I only had to make sure I had something to toss on my torso before a conference call and now I’ll have to put on a full outfit four days a week! I can’t face the level of dysmorphia and feeling like I’m wearing someone else’s skin sack of past summers AND face returning to the office. Okay sorry this got very long, off to lurk on ThredUP and pretend I know what I’m looking for.

A:

Ro: Finding clothes that simultaneously fit the current climate and your current gender expression is SO HARD! I’m definitely not a fashion expert, but I have a couple of ideas: If you typically feel more comfortable in long pants and long sleeves, you can still wear your office uniform in the summer — just opt for more breathable fabrics (like linen). And/or since you like to wear “interesting pullovers,” you can replace your cold weather jacket or blazer with a button-up vest or sweater vest (or even a moto vest) — I’ve found most of my vests at thrift stores. Happy shopping!

Meg: I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this — officewear can be such a challenge and navigating it during warmer months can be tough! I’m not a style expert by any stretch, but I do like to have a personal uniform that’s reminiscent of an intimidating assassin, so I feel you on this. I highly recommend finding a linen or lightweight cotton blazer, one that you may even buy in a few different shades or textures of grey and black, that you can layer over t-shirts, short-sleeve button ups, or sleeveless shirts. Even if you wear the same pair of pants every day, you can switch up the layers, add different accessories and shoes, and I fully believe that this counts as a separate outfit. Layers are the only way I survive summer because you never quite know if the AC is going to be on full blast or completely off. If they’re gonna make you go into the office four days a week, they can deal with you wearing versions of the same outfit the entire time!

Q12:

Hello! This is one for the general A+ advice column. I went through a crushing friend-breakup a few years ago, with someone I genuinely thought would be in my life forever. I’ll call her E. We went through some very intense and emotional life events together, and she was someone I felt I could really count on. Until my ex cheated on me with her. It was the simultaneous end of both a cherished relationship AND friendship, which was pretty awful, but I was the most upset about losing my best friend.

It’s been a couple of years now, but I find myself still mourning the end of my friendship with E. How do you move on after the end of an important friendship? Especially when your memories of that person are so full of both good and bad? I know I can’t depend on other people for closure and that reaching out wouldn’t give me the closure I’m looking for, but I’m just not sure what to do to move forward. I don’t even really know how to hold the contradictory good and bad of that friend and that friendship all together in my brain, if that makes sense??? What would you recommend? Thanks, as always, for listening and giving such good advice!!

A:

Vanessa: I really strongly relate to this. I’m so sorry it happened to you. I wish I didn’t understand, but I do. I also wish I had better advice, but I don’t. Here’s my best attempt: Time. God it sucks so much, but time is really the ONLY thing that helped heal my heart over my biggest friend breakup. I still wake up some days missing our old relationship, but now that it’s been almost a decade, I am finally sort of “over it.” I don’t really know what “over it” means, because I don’t love the way society insists we treat relationships as disposable, implies that we could ever truly recover from a betrayal like that, has absolutely no script for working through a breakup when the relationship is a friendship not a romantic one. And yet! Almost ten years later, I feel so much more healed, so much more grounded, so much less unmoored than I did in the first few years. I know a couple of years feels like a long time, but it’s not. Time takes time. Do all the things to take care of yourself that you would through any traumatic event: go slow, be gentle, care for your body, care for your brain, reach out for support, journal, process in therapy… you know the drill. Therapy was really useful for me. Learning to trust other close friends in the wake of what felt like a huge betrayal was really useful for me. And time. That motherfucker, so slow, so unrelenting, so entirely abstract and yet finite all at once — just time. Feel it all, and one day it won’t feel quite the same. I’ll be thinking of you, and wishing you the best.

Ro: I’m so sorry that your trust was violated in this way. Vanessa is right — sometimes healing just takes time. For me, it takes time AND talking. I like to process my relationship breakups and friend breakups with my therapist and with trusted friends. I’ve also used to ritual to give myself closure when I haven’t been able to ask for closure from someone else.

For me, ritual is tied to my spiritual practice, but it doesn’t have to be attached to any belief system. Think of ritual as a way to give yourself space to grieve and mark the end of a chapter. Try writing a letter to E and then bury it or burn it. Write something about your friendship as a rock and bury it or throw it in a body of water (or write on a piece of toilet paper and flush it). Sometimes going through physical actions that represent your intentions can help you move through hard feelings or make beginnings or endings, even if it seems silly (I mean, weddings and funerals and graduation ceremonies are rituals, right?). No matter what path(s) towards healing you take, trust that you’ll get there eventually.

Meg: Vanessa and Ro have both given you some really excellent advice here, so I just want to chime in to say that this sounds like an incredibly painful situation, and I’m really sorry that you’re dealing with it. Friend breakups so often brushed aside or minimized in comparison to romantic relationships ending, but I actually think that in many cases they can be even more painful. Time, therapy, and investing in new friendships that let you be your full and whole self are the best solutions I’ve found, as well as a healthy dose of compassion for yourself. It’s perfectly natural and normal to be grieving the loss of this relationship, so try to give yourself the space to acknowledge and process that feeling, and to be gentle with yourself in the process.

Q13:

Hi! I’m a lesbian in a very happy longterm relationship with a bisexual woman. I’m about to propose! It is very exciting and also really freaking us both out! I feel like it is objectively impossible to commit to one thing for the rest of your life, and yet that is what we’re both doing. I think both of us are a little nervy, and like good queers we are both in favor of going to therapy to hash out what is making us each nervous. For me, I know she never really envisioned getting married, and that makes me nervous. She fell in love with me and I always wanted to get married, which I told her early on. She’s said all along if it’s important to me she’ll make it important for her too. But I’m having trouble believing she knows the level of commitment this is, I guess? I don’t know. Do you have any advice? Part of the issue is that we don’t know any cool older queers who have navigated this. I don’t actually have any friends who have gotten engaged (which seems weird since I’m 32!), and I don’t know how people really go about preparing to spend an entire lifetime with another human. Does everyone just pop the question and that’s that? I feel both like I know this is the right decision and also just very nervous about how I should “prepare” or something? How to ask the right questions to set us up for a lifetime of gay happiness? I don’t know, but your two cents would be appreciated.

A:

Ro: I’ve never been married, but I absolutely believe that people should prepare for marriage. Marriage means that you’re making a long-term commitment to your partner, AND you’re entering into a legal/financial contract that changes the nature of your relationship in ways that might feel useful or exciting and in ways that might feel hard or complicated. I have friends who have sought out premarital counseling for this very reason, and I’m happy to hear that you and your partner are planning to go to therapy to investigate your marriage-related feelings.

Even though you and your partner have agreed to pursue marriage, it sounds like you’re not sure if you and your partner are on the page. And maybe you’re not. People have wildly different feelings about the institution of marriage, and when getting married is super important to someone, it can be hard for their partner to say no to that. I encourage you to share your expectations of marriage with your partner and ask her to share her expectations with you. In what ways would being married feel different than being in a long-term relationship? Are you both into the idea of a wedding, or are you more enthusiastic about the day-to-day of married life? Are there specific legal rights associated with marriage that would benefit you? 

It sounds like you’re already on the right path, and if you and your partner continue communicating about this with the guidance of a therapist, you’ll hopefully settle on a vision of your future that feels comfortable for both of you.

Abeni: Something that I don’t think people say enough – or consider enough, I guess, and keep in mind that I have never been married and am not sure I ever will – is that marriage doesn’t have to be as big of a deal as our culture makes it. Somehow, maybe because of fairy tales and the like, and nearly all mass media for generations, marriage is presented as this massively important and powerful thing that transforms people’s lives and lasts forever and is the key to happiness and fulfillment. Marriage can definitely be some or all of those things for some people, but it doesn’t have to be. Something like half of marriages end in divorce, and many that stay together are unhappy, and marriages can end amicably and without drama if both people involved act maturely.

I don’t think humans actually can make lifetime commitments like what most people think marriage is. I think you can commit to always and forever treating someone with love and respect, but I don’t think you can truly commit to always desiring to be in a partnership with an individual or always feeling romantic toward them or whatever. You didn’t indicate that you believe any of that, but it usually comes with the territory. I don’t say this to be anti-marriage, by the way, just to hopefully ratchet the intensity down a bit. It doesn’t have to be that serious. It can be a fun adventure you both embark on with your eyes wide open!

I think Ro’s advice is good – couples’ therapy and lots of processing is a great idea. But also: figure out why you’ve always wanted to get married and exactly what it means to you. If it’s because you just think you should or that’s just what serious people do or whatever, if there’s some kind of cultural pressure, it’s really worth ironing all that out. Also, the “level of commitment” that marriage entails is 100% up to you, so if your partner “doesn’t realize” how much commitment you want out of a marriage, it’s possible that you haven’t been clear! Communication will be key here.

Meg: I’ve been married, and I think the biggest thing that I wish I’d known before going in is exactly what Ro and Abeni both already touched on — that marriage can be whatever you two want it to be, and doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s marriage, or conform to anyone else’s expectations. Y’all can figure out exactly what marriage means to you, and should! I would encourage you to open those lines of communication with each other, and to really talk about what it means to each of you separately, and for you as a couple, as well as what makes marriage feel like an important and desired step for you both. Relationships change and grow over time, just like people do, and require the same level of commitment and communication and compassion whether you’re legally married or not. If you aren’t sure that she knows what marriage means to you, make sure she does — and leave room for her to have her own ideas and opinions too. There are never true guarantees for a lifetime of happiness, unfortunately, but recognizing what happiness might look like for each of you, what you want for your future together, and how you plan to navigate the challenges together, are big pieces of creating that foundation.

Q14:

So I’ve seen the advice to use condoms with dildos for easier clean-up, etc. but one thing that I’ve been stuck on is the issue of using silicone lube with silicone dildos. I find that lubed condoms don’t list the type of lube used. I know that silicone lube can break down silicone dildos, is that an issue that might occur with condoms of unknown lube and silicone dildos? If so, any recs for condom types?

A:

Vanessa: Yes, you are right to be concerned about this! Per my sex educator friend, you should use unlubricated condoms when pairing them with silicone sex toys. She said she uses unlubricated condoms when using them on ANY sex toy, just to be safe/just incase something is silicone and she didn’t realize it/just so she never has to think about it or double check. Go forth and use unlubricated condoms on your dildos!

Ro: Vanessa is right — going with unlubricated condoms is best for your toys and best for you and your partners (that way, you can make sure you’re using a lube that’s safe for your skin if you or your partner happen to have skin allergies or sensitivities). If you have a hard time finding unlubricated condoms at your local drugstore, you might need to get some from a sex toy store or online. Some of the more common non-lubricated condoms that I’ve seen around are Trustex, Trojan ENZ and Lifestyles Unlubricated. These are all made out of latex and some folks have latex allergies, so if anyone has a suggestion for non-latex, non-lubricated condoms, please drop it in the comments!

Q15:

Heya, I’m a nonbinary person in their mid 20s, and I was wondering if you all had any advice on getting in to/trying out lingerie and similar stuff. I’m kinda interested in trying it out because, at least in theory, it can/does look really good on other folk and I’m wanting to explore more to see what I feel good with wearing (and looking nice/cute/attractive for my partner is also a plus 😊). I’m tall and have roughly the curvature of a geodesic dome (which is to say, all angles and flat/next to no chest to speak of) so I’m kinda nervous about just ordering stuff since I have a hard enough time in general finding clothes that fit me. So far, I have managed with (cheap) sports bras and similar-quality underwear, and one or two hand-me-down bras from friends/family.

Unfortunately, I don’t really have friends who I’m comfy talking about sex (or sex-adjacent stuff like this) with, and my partner (they/them) is very good and wonderful but has their own hang-ups with underclothes and gender feelings. I also can’t go and visit a nice queer-friendly store that would stock anything like this since I live in a smol-ish city in a conservative area of the US [places-refusing-to-serve-trans-folk conservative…], which means that there are limited options for stores and they are all _very_ heteronormative.

So I guess, halp please? Does the collective wisdom of autostraddle have any recommendations here (bonus if they are from companies that don’t abuse their workers/etc)? Thanks so much in advance!!!!!

A:

Meg: I’m not sure what your personal style is, but as someone that is pretty small-chested, I can give you a few of my favorite brands! I’ve had the best success with Thistle & Spire, Wolf & Whistle and the other brands at Playful Promises, Negative Underwear, Foxers, Parade, and Play Out Apparel.

The only way that I’ve ever found to truly find out which brands work for me is to order a bunch of different styles online, try them all on, and then return whichever ones I don’t like — which I fully acknowledge can be expensive, frustrating, and time-consuming. However, while indie shops are fantastic, department stores often have more generous policies than smaller stores, letting you try out pieces from a variety of brands and designers all at once — check out Bloomingdales, Zappos, Macy’s, Nordstrom, and Kohl’s. (Just make sure to double-check the return policy carefully before you order.) Playful Promises also has an excellent return policy and a variety of brands, styles, and sizes. It really does make a difference to take your measurements (or have your partner help) so that you know exactly which size to order up front, so I highly recommend doing that and looking carefully at the size charts so that you can get the best fit!

Lastly, Cora Harrington and her team at Lingerie Addict have a lot of really incredible resources, including this roundup of androgynous lingerie. This website is an absolute treasure trove of reviews, recommendations, and round-ups, and often focuses on queer-owned, plus-sized-friendly businesses. I hope you’re able to find some pieces that you love!

Nicole: Yes to Meg’s advice to measure your chest! It will help you order more accurately online. My main advice — and I don’t know how casual or elaborate you want your lingerie so my advice may be too on the side of the casual spectrum but — is to try bralettes made with stretchy materials that kind of look like they start almost flat and then stretch out to take the shape of the person wearing them if that makes sense? As opposed to an item that contains a lot of darting or padding or any kind of preconceived notions of expected bustiness. So, I don’t have very much in terms of a bust, and I’ve found that Aerie’s [I prefer unpadded] bralettes are nice for adding a pop of lace with something that doesn’t have too much extra space leftover and which is relatively affordable. I haven’t bought anything from them in a few years, though, because, as is also your concern, I really have no idea how they treat their workers. One mesh bralette I have from them has held up, though. These only go up to XXL. I have not personally shopped here, but Pepper’s whole thing is making bras for small chest sizes. Again, they run small. Fenty has a whole situation with these printed bralettes, and they’re sized up to 3x and look relatively affordable, and though I have not personally bought any of their things I know other folks love Fenty and their stuff does look really really cute!

My final piece of advice is to think of lingerie as an extension of your personal style. So, if you maybe wouldn’t feel the most yourself or you would be uncomfortable in something hot pink with a lot of bows, maybe that’s not the way to take your lingerie. If you wear a lot of green, for example, or love the feel of certain fabrics, seek those out in the underwear you’re looking for, so that whatever you’re wearing, you have more of a chance that you’ll feel good about it. The most important thing is that it makes YOU feel good. Wishing you tons of luck!

Q16:

I’m having massive impostor syndrome about my career. I’m in my dream job and loving what I do; not only is my team super queer- and marginalised-identities-friendly, making so many accommodations for me and every member of the team, but I’m also getting qualified in something that I’ve been working on for years. On them! No cost to me! It’s a dream come true! For context, it’s EXTREMELY expensive (upwards of $5000) to get qualified in my field, and considering that about 90% of careers in this industry make minimum wage (or less!) it’s really out of reach for about anybody without a lot of financial backup or sponsorship.

But the thing is, now that I’m being given training for qualifications free of charge, it’s like my motivation has just evaporated. I used to crunch and study and practice in my own time unpaid so so so much but the idea of doing even 30 minutes of study time for a make-or-break exam is insufferable atm as part of my precious personal time. Not only that, but I’m more connected to parts of the industry abroad than I am in my home country due to not having a work community until now. I feel disconnected.

It feels like I’m no longer in survival mode, now I’m a “professional”, but I feel anything but professional when I think about how motivated I used to be to work towards this goal in my own time. Is this just my body relaxing from so much past stress? Is this what it feels like to not be screaming and overworked and underpaid 24/7? Is this boundaries or am I just being lazy??? Pls help! I love you folks so much.

A:

Nicole: Oh imposter syndrome! I’m sorry this is happening for you right now. So, the first thing I thought of was, were you pursuing this promotion, at least in part, from a place of anxiety, and now that you feel more stable or calm, you no longer have the anxiety to motivate you? If you’re motivated by a sense of urgency or panic, then that might be something that is difficult to deal with once you’ve achieved something like a promotion or gotten to a place where you’re no longer clawing your way forward but are kind of moving at a more humane pace. We can spend so much time trying to stay afloat, that we don’t prepare ourselves mentally for when we do in fact, start to float on our own. Now that it sounds like things have eased up for you a little, I think that perhaps you’re right, and this is just what it feels like to not be screaming and overworked and running on adrenaline and fumes. It does not mean you are an imposter, it just means you aren’t constantly struggling each and every minute and, deep breath, sometimes that’s hard.

That’s a good thing, though! So, a couple of things. One, you might be burnt out from all that work you’ve put in prior, so I’d look into ways to cope with Burnout. Christina Tesoro recommends the book, Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, as something to check out in her article about mental health in the time of COVID-19. In tandem with coping with burnout, it’s time for healthy self-motivation strategies:

First, I want you to assess the goal and reward of the tasks you’re about to embark on. Is it actually worth it to you? If yes, logically you know you want this but the problem is the emotion of getting motivated, then it’s time to move forward. If not, it’s probably time for some honest conversations! Another question to ask yourself is: have you ever self-sabotaged by not doing something that would make your life / career better, by just putting it off? Sometimes, we’re afraid of things getting better for ourselves and we don’t even know why. There can be a lot to unlock there, like the human tendency to self-perpetuate harm to ourselves even if there isn’t someone else actively harming us because we’ve grown used to certain patterns and ways of feeling. If you identify this as a pattern, it might be something to talk to a friend or a therapist about. Bonus: they can help hype you up to get this done!

Some tips for getting things done when you’re burnt out:
1. Set aside time in your schedule, actual time, carved out, just for this, all quiet and door closed (if possible) to work on this task. Treat the task like it is as imporant as anything else. And I imagine it is, because your job is willing to pay for it.
2. You might have to have a special location just for this task. Literally, even if it’s a different chair or something, that works. Don’t concentrate on getting it all done at once, but as you said, even thirty minutes, even twenty, of study a day or several times a week (I don’t know what this exam requires) is better than doing nothing. You need to take yourself from doing nothing to doing something, not from doing nothing to doing it all. An important part of setting aside this time, at least for me, is the reminder that I am doing this for me and my benefit, so even though it’s work, it is also taking care of myself.
3. You can try body doubling! My sister and I will often schedule appointments to work with each other over video call. For some reason, it’s easier to tackle tasks (editing my writing AHEM) you’ve been putting off when another person is working “near” you. Do you have someone you can ask who can study with you, or read quietly near you or draw or otherwise work, while you study, either in person or virtually?
4. Reward yourself! Lots of little rewards! And work in short bursts. Maybe you get to watch a single little cat video after 20 minutes of studying. Maybe if you get up early to study, you get to have a cookie with your coffee while you work. Maybe, every other time, you study at an outdoor table at your fave coffee shop so the act of studying becomes a reward. You know what you’ll find rewarding.
5. Know that it has an end date. You only have to do this until you get your qualification, right? Try to keep that in mind. It’s not a forever change, just a temporary task.

I hope others will chime in in the comments. I’m sorry you’re going through what appears to be some burnout at a very inconvenient time because you still have to get through this exam (if you choose to). I hope you’ll find some ways to rest and recharge yourself and that you can regain your footing soon!

Q17:

I don’t know if I’m Overthinking it or not but sometimes I feel like my queerness is not real enough? I’m femme (and leaning into it more and more as I age) who has a very particular type, I find myself being attracted to only mascs and butches. One of the reasons it took me so long to even discover I was queer is that I spent half of my life in a very forced gender roles environment and I haven’t even seen GNC people of any gender until I moved to a more liberal place in my adulthood. I’ve never been attracted to feminine boys or my straight best friend, I still don’t know if my attraction to cishet men was ever real or just me seeking their validation as a not conventionally attractive woman. It feels like I can’t relate to what other lesbians describe as their “The Signs I Was Gay” or whenever someone say their type is all women or the teenage gay panic they experienced whenever they walked past a Victoria’s Secret billboard (this is a silly example, but do you get what I’m trying to say?). I’m definitely holding myself back from serious dating or even calling myself gay because I feel like a fraud sometimes. Is this due to internalized homophobia or misogyny, I truly don’t know but feminine people just don’t do anything for me.

A:

Ro: Your flavor of queerness is absolutely valid and real. In fact, if you take some time to read about queer history, you’ll find LOTS of evidence that being a femme person who is primarily or only attracted to masc/butch folks is a shared experience that is very, deeply queer. Check out The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader, a collection of essays by femme and butch writers edited by Joan Nestle. I think it’s out of print, but you can read it for free online here. Also lots of queer people have a “type,” and that doesn’t make them any less queer! You might also find that your type changes over time. That’s normal, too. And your fabulous femme self is absolutely a type for many masc and butch folks.

I also want to add that as a masc-leaning person, I really appreciate hearing folks of all gender expressions share their love for masc/butch folks — we are so often told that we’re ugly or undesirable or “diet men,” and that sucks to hear. The masc and butch folks you choose to pursue will likely be stoked that they’re the kind of queers you’re looking for.

And finally, some folks take years or decades or a lifetime to figure out they’re queer. And those people are still queer, even if they didn’t wallpaper their bedroom with pictures of Angelina Jolie in their youth. Try to stop looking for “queer signs” in your past and focus on where you’re at now — you’re a queer adult who is embracing your femme expression, and no matter how you got here, you’re right where you’re supposed to be.

Em: I totally agree with Ro, and I gotta say that I can really relate to what you’re experiencing. For a long time I felt like I wasn’t queer enough for not having a queer awakening while watching a Britney Spears music video. I lean a little more femme as well and I also think masc/butch people are totally hot–we are VERY gay! For me, a lot of my young femme tendencies came from gender roles forced on me. As an adult, I’ve been finding that there’s power in reclaiming my femme side while also proclaiming my queerness. We can have and be both, but I think this binary thinking is really ingrained in the ways we allow ourselves to show up as fully queer and fully ourselves.

Queerness can be expressed and manifested in so many different and beautiful ways. I would say that even you asking these questions is hella queer. As a queer community we often use the phrases “love is love” or “you love who you love,” but I think we often forget to really believe that ourselves? You’re attracted to who you’re attracted to and this makes you queer.

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