Welcome to the 53rd edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed! Next month’s theme is FRIENDSHIP DRAMA, in honor of um…Palentine’s Day. What do you need help with coping with, mending, fixing, or processing with your friends? Let us know by Monday February 7th! Answers will publish on February 18th! The general Into the A+ Advice Box, like this one, where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now that you know to send us your questions on all things your FRIENDSHIP DRAMA, let’s dig in!

Q1:

I’m a newly qualified librarian (!!), and I’m realising the odds are very high I’m going to have to move to take the next step in my career. However, I live with my partner and, as we work in the same HE area of the same field (actually met on the library grad trainee programme, so that’s super cute), the odds of a job coming up in the same city at the same time are very low, and if I moved they’d have to move back to a houseshare in our current city, as could not afford our current place on a single salary. I suppose this is a double question: how long is it sensible to wait for an opportunity rather than moving/when does it become less liking your life where you are and more cowardice? And how do you balance what’s fair on your partner? (We’ve talked about it and they’re so supportive, but it feels cruel!)

A:

Himani: Congrats on completing your qualifications! I’ll be honest that I’m a little confused by your question, and that’s partially because I’m just not super familiar with the field you’re in, so I’m going to do my best to reply to this question as I understand it (which may, unfortunately, not be the question you’re asking).

It seems like a big underlying question here is what is the long term trajectory for you and your partner as a couple and your professional futures? If you both work in the same field and it’s unlikely that you both can have jobs in that field in the same city, then… either you break up or you’re permanently long distance or one of you takes a job outside your field… Those are the only possibilities I can see. That’s a pretty big and shitty decision to make, unfortunately, and one that only you can answer.

I’ve said this before in response to other advice box questions, but ultimately I think you need to remind yourself that there isn’t really a “right” answer here. Yes, you went and got a degree in your field to pursue a particular career, so arguably you want to go ahead and do that. And it sounds like that will unavoidably affect your relationship and your partner, but as long as you are clear and honest with your partner about it (and it sounds like you have been), that’s a perfectly fine decision. On the other hand, you also love your partner and so even though you got this degree, you might decide to only focus on the (very limited, it sounds) job opportunities that would allow you two to stay together in whatever way works for you. (That might be staying in the same city, or staying within a couple hours of distance with each other or even cross country, you both get to decide what that looks like for you.) Personally, I really don’t think that one of those decisions is inherently better than the other. It’s really just a matter of what you’re choosing to prioritize in the present moment and, inevitably, in every decision we make there is some loss that happens: loss of potential opportunities if we’d made a different decision, the closing of certain paths or relationships, and so on.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s cowardice to choose your relationship over your job. I think as a society and (in the U.S., at least) as a country, we put wayyyyy too much weight on professional employment and the idea of “having a career” to the real detriment of people’s mental health and also the social fabric of our lives. I’ve also heard countless stories from people I know both personally and not who pursued what they thought would be their dream jobs only to see that the work environments were so toxic they really could not stay in them. (For instance, see the comments on this post.)

Only you can answer the question of “when does it become less liking your life where you are.” But I want to encourage you to remember that no decision we make in life is ever really final.

You might decide to turn down lucrative opportunities in your field to stay with your partner right now, and then, a year from now, decide that you really do want to pursue this passion in library science. It’s true that those same specific opportunities likely won’t come around again, but that doesn’t mean there will never be another opening you’re interested in again, either. And again, I just want to reiterate that often what seem like the most exciting and most prestigious posts might not be what they look like from the outside when you’re actually in them. I’ve experienced this personally in my own career and heard the same from close friends I know, including one who recently told me that she’d rather stay with her job in a smaller arts organization than pursue a similar opportunity at a prestigious arts organization in our city because, having worked with some of the folks in that prestigious organization, she realizes how miserable that job would be given all the politics and competing interests.

And again, you might decide that you do want to pursue your career now since you’ve completed the qualifications you’ve worked so hard for, but that means dramatically changing the structure of your relationship or, even, possibly ending it altogether. It might take some time, but that doesn’t mean this is the only relationship you’ll ever have or the only person who will ever love you, or even that this person can have no role in your life ever again. And as is always the case with relationships, even if you did stay physically proximal, that doesn’t mean that your relationship won’t change or even become incompatible in other ways.

I don’t mean to trivialize the decision you’re faced with, but sometimes when I’m confronted with what feels like a life changing decision, I’ve found (in retrospect) that it’s helpful to put those decisions in perspective. I really believe that no decision we make in our lives is ever final, and no decision will ever guarantee our happiness, either generally or even in one aspect of our lives. Both fortunately and unfortunately, there’s so much we can’t know about jobs (or relationships, really) until we’re in them and we see them in depth on the day to day. Sometimes, that means we can be happily surprised by the things that come our way that we didn’t have much expectations of. And sometimes that means we are faced with a lot of disappointment and heartbreak. Personally, I struggle with the uncertainty of this, but increasingly I’m trying to see the beauty in it as well.

Wishing you all the best as you consider your options and ultimately move in one direction or another! No matter what you do, when or how, there really is no “wrong” answer here, from my view.

Nicole: Wow Himani gave such thoughtful and thorough advice I don’t know how to start off here except to say yes, I 100% agree that there really is no more “moral” or more “right” decision here. I also want to say that if you’ve talked with your partner and they’ve assured you that they’re open to your making the decision to move if you need to, that this is something they can decide as an adult and provided communication has been straightforward, is not something you need to worry about being “cruel” about since they told you it’s okay. Of the people I’ve known who have jobs in higher ed, there have been quite a few who’ve had to be apart from partners for periods of time, or who have moved cities and left roles to join a partner who moves to a new place for a job. It’s definitely not easy and at the same time, plenty of people do it! On the other hand, like Himani said, there is no inherent reason to pursue a career over being comfortable in the place you’re at if that is what you do in fact want. We all have one life to live, and we all have to examine how we want to lead our lives, so I just want to leave you here, with permission to do just that.

If I can suggest an exercise, I would try starting with asking yourself more about what you value in the abstract, and then trying to rank those things, truly rank them in the order of their mattering to you. Of course there may be some ties, but really try to suss out, for example, would you value challenges and opportunities for growth in your career, or more hours to spend with friends or reading in solitude or what-have-you? There is no actual right answer. Then, you can take a look at what you’ve outlined as your values and use that framework to look at this situation and see where those take you, just in your head, just as an exercise, just to see if you feel strongly in any particular way. Maybe you feel that you don’t really care where you work so long as you get to be a librarian but you greatly value seeing your partner every day. Maybe you do not want to imagine another year going by without the kind of work you’ve been dreaming of. These are both valid feelings. Maybe you’re somewhere in between and you don’t mind waiting a few years to see if anything comes up in your city. It’s all up to you and how you want to spend your time on this planet! Wishing you tons of luck, sending love and congrats, too, on your new qualifications!

I also want to say that I know from the survey that we have A NUMBER of librarians who are A+ members so I hope that if that is you, that you will offer advice in the comments if you see this!

Q2:

How does one maintain their armpit hair? I find it v. attractive on other other people, but I feel like mine looks straggly and bleh and is sometimes itchy and I seem a bit… muskier… than I did before I grew it out. I just wash my armpits with regular body soap in the shower like I used to back when I shaved so I suspect there is something I’m missing.

A:

Ro: I think we have an article in the works that covers this very subject, but here’s a little pep talk for now: you don’t have to do anything special to maintain your armpit hair — you can just let it be! If you find that it’s super long and getting in your way, then you can certainly trim it. Or if you find that your pit hair is a little rough and is irritating your skin, you can throw some hair conditioner on your pits in the shower. Or if you find that having any armpit hair at all just makes your skin feel itchy and irritated no matter what, you can try shaving it off and see how that feels. But if your concerns are primarily aesthetic, let that shit grow. There is nothing wrong with how your armpit hair looks.

You also don’t have to do anything to cover up your body’s natural “musk.” You’re a human being who sweats — that’s normal (and some folks think it’s really hot!), and if you have some body odor, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. You’re just living! If you’re really uncomfortable with your body’s smells, here are a few tricks from me, a human with particularly voluptuous pit hair who’s been letting it grow since 2005:

1. When you’re cleaning your pits in the shower, really get in there. Use your fingers to massage the soap in the same way you would while washing the hair on your head.
2. If you’re an antiperspirant user, it’s possible that your pit hair is preventing your antiperspirant from reaching your actual sweat glands. Try parting your pit hair a bit when you’re applying antiperspirant so you can get it where you want it to go.
3. Try a different deodorant and/or antiperspirant (I use natural deodorant and wrote this article about eight different brands if you need any recommendations).

Q3:

Hi! First off, I want to say thank you so much for the high-quality sex ed content that Autostraddle keeps publishing! Your love & sex post archives are a lifesaver.

So I’ve been using Sliquid Sassy for a while, but I’ve recently started to get dry and irritated skin from it. So I’m on a quest to work out what my best option is for a hypoallergenic, citric-acid-free lube. My go-to toy for masturbation is a Womanizer, which means I can’t use silicone-based lubes or they’ll damage the silicone “head” part of the toy, and I can’t use plant oils like coconut oil or they’ll damage the hard plastic used for the rest of toy besides the head (and I’m really not risking coconut oil when it would void the warranty of an expensive toy…)

I’ve been trying to do some research and of course there’s a lot to take in. It seems like my next step might be to try a dab of aloe vera to see if I react badly to that, because I might have some more citric-acid-free options open to me if aloe vera is okay as an ingredient. But it’s all a bit overwhelming. Does anyone have any hot tips on hunting for extremely hypoallergenic water-based lubes, or anything that’s worked for you or your partners in this situation before?

Thank you!

A:

Vanessa: I have very sensitive skin and have had very bad reactions to certain lubes, and my favorite right now is the Good Clean Love brand! I recommended their pH balance body wash recently in the A+ Advice Box when sharing how I clean my vulva/asshole, so you know I’m a super fan! Here is a list of the ingredients in this lube: Organic Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Juice, Xanthan Gum, Agar, Lactic Acid, Potassium Sorbate, Sodium Benzoate, and Natural Flavor. I hope this helps!

Shelli: I am going to suggest Toto by Toca. I love it and it’s my favorite lube ever. It’s an intimate oil (but don’t worry — promise it’s lube!) and it also has CBD in it to help aid with relaxing. You can use it on silicone and hard plastic, it’s safe to ingest and it’s made from just a few dope organic ingredients.

Q4:

I am extremely attracted to fat butches, and not really attracted to many or any other types of people. I am a chubby butch and I am also monogamous.

I ran into my ex-girlfriend yesterday about 4 or 5 months after we broke up. She is already seeing multiple other people, and is really happy and even maybe in love with one of them – we broke up because she’s poly and, unlike me, she’s attracted to lots of different types of bodies and presentations.

I don’t miss being in a relationship with *her* — we were so incompatible, and were both unhappy and frustrated — but I miss having someone and right now I have no-one. I’m on the apps. I’m trying to get out and about in the world as well. But I don’t meet anyone that I’m attracted to the way I was attracted to her; meanwhile, she’s having lots of dope sex (she actually told me this) and is having the time of her life. Like I said: I don’t miss *her* per se, but it’s hard not to feel like shit about myself right now.

Am I just a big fucking loser who’s going to be alone forever?

A:

Vanessa: Oh my gosh babe no, you are not just a big fucking loser who’s going to be alone forever, and also, jesus fucking christ, maybe your ex could like, chill out a little in telling you about her hot new sex life! Good lord.

If you’re a monogamous fat butch person who wants to date another monogamous fat butch person, then that’s who you’re looking for, and it sounds like you know that’s not your ex. I know it can feel excruciating when an already smaller dating pool (queer) becomes even smaller because of something you’re looking for that feels scarce (monogamy, another fat person, another butch person) and I don’t want to minimize those feelings. I was just chatting with a friend last night who is into very specific kinks about how worried they feel that they’ve made their dating pool even smaller by only wanting to go out with people who will engage in specific kinds of sex, and we agreed that that’s a fair concern. But that reality doesn’t make my friend a loser, and it doesn’t make you a loser too – it means that you know what you’re looking for and you’re not going to compromise. It may take a really long time to find a match, that’s true, but when you do, you will be setting you and this potential new partner up for way more success than if you just went on random dates with a million different people.

I think my main advice here is to try your hardest to stop comparing yourself and your dating life to your ex and to anyone else, for that matter. It’s true that if you were into people with different body types and presentations you’d have a wider dating pool, but you’re not. There’s a conversation to be had about actively expanding the types of people we’re into, sure, but I honestly find that to be useful when unlearning the dominant societal norms for what is “hot” and I don’t feel like a fat person should be dissuaded from only dating other fat people (people are welcome to disagree with me in the comments but that’s my opinion in this specific instance!!). It’s true that your current wants/desires make your dating pool smaller, and it’s true that you’re lonely and miss having a partner, and it’s true that dating is never easy but particularly challenging in an ongoing pandemic. But none of those things make you a loser. They’re unfair and kind of shitty, but they do not reflect on YOU.

My breakup advice for you is the same as my breakup advice always: Center yourself. Get off the apps if they’re making you more unhappy than happy. Masturbate a lot. Lean on your friends. Focus on shit that makes you feel happy and hot and fulfilled. STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO YOUR EX. Get ready for what’s going to happen next. You really never know what it will be — but as long as you’re being kind to yourself, you’ll be ready for it.

Q5:

I was wondering if anyone has tips on how to be in solidarity with my little cousin who is gender non-conforming, they’re right around 10 and still figuring things out. I’m wondering how I might be able to help open my family up to be more ready and welcoming to them as they figure things out. My aunt and uncle have a bigger family and sometimes it’s something as simple as splitting up for an activity and they decide boys with dad, girls with mom and it upsets my cousin. I’m kind of medium out to my family and less out about my gender stuff, but being out and helping advocate for more trans acceptance in my family feel like they might actually be separate objectives. Overall my family leans left but they live in the rural midwest and there’s a lot in their lives and community and the way they speak that reinforces a strict gender binary and binary expectations. Maybe my question is how to open up conversations about the societal and relational nature of gender and its lack of finality? But also how do I introduce these deep and potentially emotional conversations with family I only see once a year (in a non pandemic year)?

A:

Himani: Personally, and others might disagree, I think if you want to open up these conversations with your family, you need to be more connected to your family. I think it’s incredibly hard to get people to shift how they see something that feels “fundamental” to them like binary gender, if you don’t already have the history of an established, consistent relationship (that isn’t a relationship in the name of family only). Partially, being more present allows you to mitigate some of the smaller things, like if there’s a large gathering where the children need to be divided up, at least you can offer up non-gendered ways of doing that, or you can correct people who misgender your cousin.

That said, I’m not saying you need to engage with your family more than you do currently. That’s purely a personal decision that involves balancing your own needs, mental health, emotional bandwidth, etc.

Another thing to consider is if there are members of your family who you are closer to than the ones you only see once a year (perhaps your immediate family?) that you can start to open up some of these conversations with because you already have that established and consistent connection. Because even just starting to make changes from a distance, that way, may help that person then reach out to family who’s more connected to your cousin.

Also, for what it’s worth, I think you’re correct that “being out and helping advocate for more trans acceptance” are separate things.

Q6:

Book rec question: Best Octavia Butler novel to start in on next after having read Parable of the Sower and the Talents? I found that her writing was one of the few bright spots for me in 2021 and want to dive more into her works in 2022. (Already read Kindred and Fledgling 10+ years ago, but might revisit them this year. ;) I love all your book recs and seeing what the team is reading each month in the A+ Insider! 💕

A:

Himani: Sadly, I have also only read the two Parable books and Kindred, but I didn’t want to leave you hanging. My sister says Lilith’s Brood is incredible and it’s the next Octavia Butler on my list.

Nicole: I also recommend Lilith’s Brood!! Hard agree that it’s fantastic.

Q7:

So I’m 31 and the girl I might be going on a date soon is 22, is this too much of an age gap? We’ve been facebook friends for about a year and I’ve kind of not responded to flirting because I was worried about that. But after some soul searching and talking to people I think I was just using it as an excuse because I was afraid of dating again. For context she has her own apartment, job, and car and has way more dating experience than me. I’ve never been in a long term relationship and she’s been in several. So I’m hoping that makes it more even and creates less of a chance of dependence on me. But I’m still worried about coming off as a creep. I used to think guys dating younger girls was kind of unsavory. I kind of feel like a hypocrite because I used to think anything more than a 7yr difference was basically cradle robbing. But then I also have friends with an age gap and very healthy relationship. For context the dating pool here is either young, or its people who are married with kids. I don’t want kids, and I’m a tattoo artist so my job doesn’t require me to be a settled older person the way office jobs would. Other than age we’re very well suited. I’m just wondering what I can do to make sure I’m not stifling her or creating a power imbalance. I know its just a date, and not to grab the uhaul yet, but I’m still thinking of how I can be supportive if this becomes a long term thing.

A:

Ro: I certainly don’t think there’s anything wrong about two adults with a significant age gap going on a date. In fact, my longest relationship so far was with a woman who was 19 years older. When we started dating, I was 23 and she was 42. And it worked. I had more life experience than the average 23-year-old, and while my ex certainly had more life experience overall, I was her first queer relationship, so in a way, we were mutual mentors who had a lot of respect for each other.

Keep in mind that no matter how mature this woman seems, she’s probably still figuring some things out about herself and her life. So even if you find that you’re on the same page now, there’s a good chance her wants and needs will change a couple of years down the line if this turns into a long-term relationship. Everyone changes, and stumbling upon a difference in needs and values can happen at any time in any relationship, but I think it’s especially likely when you’re dating someone whose prefrontal cortex hasn’t fully developed.

You’re not a creep for wanting to go on a date with another adult who is seven years younger than you are, but you do need to remain self-aware. There’s an inherent power dynamic in any relationship with a significant age gap (in the same way that there’s a power dynamic in any relationship with a significant income gap, etc.), and that can lead to some harmful patterns, and a younger partner might not recognize that at first.

Q8:

The short version of my question is what do people who engage in casual dating and/or sex enjoy about casual dating and/or sex.

The long version of my question is that I’m a 30 yo lonely single queer who’s never had sex or been in a relationship who’s intense and serious and doesn’t understand casual relationships really. Casual feels vaguely like a thing I “should” try before going more serious, but it just doesn’t feel like my thing either? But even if I try to look for other queers interested in pursuing a serious relationship, I find mostly people only looking for casual, so sometimes I wonder if I should settle for a casual fling or two. So I guess I’m asking, why do people like about it and is it worth trying for me specifically? Or are some people (i.e. me) just not suited for casual dating and sex?

A:

Vanessa: This is a question that really only you can answer in your heart, and to be honest it kind of sounds like you’ve already answered it — if you have to ask what is enjoyable about casual sex or casual dating, it might just not be for you, and that is 100% fine!

That said, you asked a specific question so I shall do my best to answer. As someone who loves being in a relationship/being someone’s girlfriend, but has also had times in my life where I’ve really enjoyed being casual/having casual sex, I will say the things I like about something casual are:
I don’t have to worry about how compatible we are re: what we want out of life, because it’s understood that we’re not planning to build a life together, we’re just enjoying each other’s company for a brief period of time — so like if she doesn’t want kids (and I do), who cares, that’s literally irrelevant!
When I’m really busy (like when I was in grad school) and don’t necessarily have the time to dedicate myself to a relationship but still want to have sex because I love sex, casual flings were very fun because I could engage in like, a once a month sex date, and not worry about pouring much energy into the connection outside of that, because I didn’t have very much to give
Spontaneity is exciting to me! When you’re single and you randomly meet someone and hit it off it can be very very exhilarating to go home with that stranger and just have hot casual sex, and part of what is hot is not knowing if you’ll ever fuck again or if it’s a one time thing, etc

I am not someone who wants casual all the time, but these are some of the benefits of casual dating and sex, IMHO. I think if it’s something you’d genuinely like to explore, go for it, but if it doesn’t seem like it’s something that would bring you joy, you certainly don’t need to subject yourself to it. Do what feels good to you!

Himani: Here to chime in as a person who has never dated casually, probably never will, who’s first relationship was when I was 29 and who once jumped into a casual sexual encounter at the age of 26. I think trying out things is great and ultimately, as much as that experience at 26 was terrible and, in some ways, traumatizing, it is also a big part of the reason why I am here today, writing on the internet as an openly queer person. So I’m all for trying things, just know that sometimes you hurt yourself in the process and… it really sucks.

And, at the same time, if I could go back and do things over, would I? Absolutely. Because ultimately, in terms of both that experience at 26 (and in some ways my first relationship at 29, though less so), I pushed myself into something that on some level I knew I really didn’t want, because I felt like “well, I’m old and I’ve never had sex and will anyone ever want to be with an inexperienced person in their late twenties or thirties?” and “well, perhaps this will be my only chance, my only shot at this.” And other such related ways of thinking (that, obviously, were my own shit to deal with in terms of feeling unloveable, that no amount of relationships or sex, casual or otherwise, would ever resolve). And so, as a result, I did something I really didn’t want to do, ended up hurting myself and another person in the process, and, in the case of the relationship, ignored some of early yellow flags that turned out to be accurate assessments of the type of person my future ex was. All because I felt like I “should” be doing these things because everyone else was and because I did, ultimately, want the things, just not with those people.

So I think it’s good to try things out and explore your options and maybe you’ll learn that you absolutely love having casual relationships for all the reasons Vanessa listed above or maybe other reasons of your own. But also, if you really don’t want to do something, sometimes I think the kindest thing we can do for ourselves is to listen to our bodies and our hearts when they say “no.”

Q9:

I’m considering starting to swap nudes with someone, and I need help! I’m a stone top in meatspace: I wear boxer briefs + a t-shirt during sex, I don’t like being touched intimately, and I like calling the shots about what’s gonna happen (with lots of consent, obvi). I think I want to maintain those boundaries in cyberspace with swapping nudes, too.

So I’m a bit nervous because traditional nudes – pictures of my naked body, pictures of me touching myself – are not what I want to do. Any suggestions for alternatives that are hot to receive, while still being within my boundaries?

A:

Ro: First, thank you for introducing me to the term “meatspace.” Second, there is so much more to sexy photos than nudity because so many different things are erotic! Here are just a few ideas for sexy photos and videos that don’t require you to strip:

-If the recipient loves hand sex, send a photo of your hands (bonus points if your fingers are dripping with lube or your own sexual fluids or a the juice from a particularly juicy orange — get creative!)
-If you like to show off your muscles, take some muscle pics of your back, thighs, biceps, forearms, calves — whatever body parts feel strong and sexy.
-Play dress up. Do you look super hot in a suit? Do you and/or your photo recipient have a uniform fetish? Wear something that makes you feel like a total babe, set the timer on your camera and strike a pose.
-Send a close-up pic of your mouth or your hairy pits — zoom in on whatever you and your photo recipient are into.
-Send a pic of any sex toys or restraints or impact toys you’d like to use on your recipient.
-Show off your shape. If you feel comfortable in tight clothing, let your photo recipient admire your bod in a slim-fitting T-shirt and underwear.
-Send a video of you doing something that makes you feel attractive, even if it’s not overtly sexual. There was a lesbian on TikTok who absolutely blew up the internet by filming herself folding laundry. Anything and I mean ANYTHING can be sexy.
-Record yourself telling your recipient what you want to do to them.
-Record a video of just your face while you masturbate.

Q10:

I saw for over a year a therapist named R when I was v depressed. In retrospect it really wasn’t a good fit. I don’t think R had any competency to work with queer people-she didn’t seem homophobic but I got the sense that she didn’t know anyone gay. (It’s worth noting that R has some links to Christian communities.) Two months in, I think R tried to break up with me, saying she felt disconnected from me, but, overwhelmed by the logistics of finding someone new, I continued to see her. I ended up feeling misunderstood and hurt-I really didn’t like how I felt she perceived me. When I stopped seeing her, I started taking meds and they helped SO much. I also read a couple self-help books that I found very useful.

R was recommended by 2 friends who LOVED her. But they’re both straight and part of the same Christian community as R. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me because I didn’t get much out of working with this supposedly amazing therapist.

I’ve been ruminating on this, feeling mad at R and at myself for continuing to see her and for spending time, energy, and money on my work with her, which ultimately didn’t benefit me.

My friend group is so into therapy and it’s promoted everywhere. I’ve found other things that work for me and I just…don’t want to go to therapy. I also know a couple people in my personal life who are becoming therapists who I dislike. I’m starting to feel generally cynical about therapy.

My questions are:

How do I let go of my resentment towards R and towards myself and my bitterness about this experience?

&

I know therapy can be useful but…it’s also ok to not go to therapy right?

A:

Em: I am really sorry you had this experience. It sounds like you and R really weren’t a good fit and that really sucks because I know the struggle of staying in a therapy relationship because it’s too hard and complicated to try and find someone else. Unfortunately, this happens a lot more than people think it does.

Firstly, I just want to say that you never owed R anything, and her job literally is not to judge you. HOWEVER, it really concerns me that she made you feel like she didn’t know anyone queer…probably because she doesn’t. Or at least, doesn’t have a strong history in working with anyone queer. I’m actually going through a very similar situation with my therapist. I had to switch therapists recently because my insurance changed and ya girl can’t afford therapy that isn’t covered. From the very first meeting I could just *tell* that she hadn’t worked with queer people—she didn’t need to say it. To my surprise, when I brought this up to her a few months later, she said she has quite a few queer clients, especially couples. That’s when I realized that having queer clientele and specializing in queer clientele are two totally different things. Which brings me to my second point.

It totally checks out that your two straight Christian friends connected with R but you didn’t—of course! How could an amazing, spectacular, life-changing therapist be perfect for two straight Christian people and also a queer person? I mean idk maybe that exists but, as someone who might one day be a therapist (and I take literally no offense to this question because I agree with you!), I believe that all therapists should know their clientele and strengths and clearly this R person was not cut out to work with queer people. However, it sounds like she communicated that and you knew that. And I truly do not blame you for leaving—I haven’t left my kinda crappy therapist either for the same reason.

Thirdly, this therapist should’ve known not to take on three clients that are all friends and know each other. That is bad practice and also makes things shitty for you. To answer your first question about resentment and bitterness, please know that your experience is not your fault and that the weight of this therapy “breakup” is on R. Sure, you could’ve left, but you felt like you couldn’t and at that moment, it was her responsibility to help make you feel safe, comfortable, and heard. The good news is that now you know what you don’t like, which is super valuable if you ever do decide to go back to therapy. You can also take what you learned and specifically say to a potential future therapist “here are the things that make me feel hurt and misunderstood” (I literally did this once and my therapist didn’t blink an eye).

As you attempt to heal from this super crappy experience, I would urge you to really be proud of yourself for naming that you felt misunderstood and leaving to help yourself because of that! Like that is HUGE, especially when you’re in a deep depression. By leaving, getting on meds, and taking steps to help yourself you proved to yourself that you can depend on you.

Finally, you’re totally allowed to be cynical towards therapists, especially if you only know shitty ones. Therapists are people and people can be shitty. While I am a big advocate for therapy myself, I’m also a big advocate of people doing it if and when they’re ready, and also a big advocate of people knowing that sometimes you have to go through like 5 therapists to find someone you mesh well with, which is so shitty. Some of us get lucky, a lot of us don’t. It’s ok to question and not to know about how you feel about therapy, especially because you were mistreated. I validate your feelings and please know you can totally not go to therapy if you feel like you’re in a stable and healthy place!

Ok and one more thing—as someone who is also tied to a Christian community, I can say with confidence that there’s a chance this therapist is good, but there’s an even bigger chance that this therapist is guiding her practice (directly or indirectly) with Christian values, which can ultimately be super, super, super harmful to us. My evangelical ex-best friend would only see therapists through her church, and it really sucked to see her get really shitty straight sex advice from this Christian counselor. Neither my friend nor this counselor knew it was shitty (as in totally not health/science based and truly religiously based)—it was just what they were taught and what they believed. This is all to say that your therapist was probably projecting a lot of shit onto you that you don’t need and shouldn’t have to deal with.

If you are Christian, I can assure you that there are LBGTQ+ Christian therapists who legitimately know what they’re doing. If you aren’t Christian, there are LGBTQ+ therapists that legitimately know what they’re doing. If you’re looking for non-harmful queer Christian therapy options, feel free to follow up in the comments if you want to talk more!

Q11:

Here’s what’s up. The person I’m seeing is into having clitoral + vaginal + anal stimulation simultaneously, and I am very eager to please! The problem is that I am kind of uncoordinated, and struggle to be imaginative when I’m a bit stressed (and I get stressed when I’m reminded of how uncoordinated I am during sex).

This means that I’m having trouble figuring out the practicalities of how to actually stimulate all three of those areas at once. I feel like, every time I try, one of my fingers that are in one of her orifices ends up poking her at a weird angle because the palm of one hand is immovably squashed into the wrist of another hand; or I accidentally come way too close to gouging out my eyeball with a rogue enthusiastic thumb; or some other less-than-ideal thing ends up happening.

I would love suggestions for how to do triple stimulation in a way that actually works!! Ideally I’d love suggestions that both do use and don’t use sex toys. Toys are useful and so much fun, but I do like the feeling of having the option of being bodies-only from time to time as well.

Also. Maybe this is asking too much, but — could I get diagrams too??? I’m VERY bad at understanding body movements from written words alone (an extension of my lack of coordination, I think, and I just get even more stressed and confused) and diagrams really help. Just so you know what bits I’m working with, I have a v*lv*.

A:

Ro: I’m no visual artist, so unfortunately, I can’t provide any diagrams. But I’ll do my best to write out these tips clearly!

First, I encourage you to use your mouth if you’re not doing so already. If your tongue is taking over the clit stimulation or if you’re eating your partner’s ass (remember — anal stimulation doesn’t require penetration!), then you’ll have more finger options.

Second, if you’re struggling with coordination, remember that you don’t have to do all the work — encourage your partner to ride/ grind against your fingers.

And here is my most specific suggestion: if your thumbs are getting in the way, put them to work! Thumbs are strong! And they typically offer a little more girth than your other fingers. Have your partner get on their hands and knees and sit or kneel behind them — this will give you better access to all of the areas you’re trying to stimulate and might be easier on your wrists. Put your arm underneath your partner with your palm facing up. Penetrate your partner’s vagina with one of your thumb while the rest of your palm presses against their clit and vulva. Let your partner grind against your palm while you rim them or while you penetrate their ass with the thumb from your opposite hand (or with any other finger that’s comfortable for you to use in this position).

That said, what’s comfortable for me might not be comfortable for you. All bodies are different! I hope other folks chime in below with more ideas.

Q12:

Hello, I have a body/sex question! So I’ve always enjoyed being penetrated (vaginal, almost always just fingers, 1 or 2). In the past few months, I have felt pleasure for the first 30-ish seconds of fucking and then it stops. It doesn’t hurt, I just don’t feel the pleasurable feeling that I’m used to? I can feel my girlfriend’s fingers inside, but it seems like my Gspot stops responding? I can even feel that she’s touching the spongey Gspot, but it just feels the same as if it were my elbow. Since I started having sex (6 years ago) and now, I have always felt pleasure for 10, 20, etc minutes of fucking so I’ve been pretty sad about this. We’ve found that if she is sitting and I straddle her on my knees facing toward her, the pleasure lasts for a bit longer but still not that long. I’m 25, and there are no other major changes to my health/body that I’ve noticed. Any idea what is going on here, or what else we might try? Thank you <3 <3 you’re all the loveliest!

A:

Ro: I’m sorry you’re experiencing this! It sounds so frustrating! If you’re only experiencing decreased vaginal sensation during sex with a partner and everything feels normal when you penetrating yourself during sex with a partner or masturbation, then you might need to ask your partner to use more pressure or to fuck you at a slightly different angle. If you’re experiencing decreased sensation during vaginal penetration of any kind and in any situation, then there might be an underlying issue. I’m not a doctor, but I encourage you to see one — that’s probably the only way you’re going to get a clear answer about what’s going on. Here are a couple of possibilities to consider when you’re working with a medical professional:

1. Injury: If you’ve ever had a pelvic injury or a lower back injury, if you’re a uterus owner who has given birth or if you’ve ever had surgery on your lower back or pelvic area, you could have scar tissue or nerve damage that’s affecting your vaginal sensation.

2. Circulation: You might want to get your hormones checked. Low levels of your body’s primary sex hormone can result in decreased blood flow to the pelvic region, which can reduce overall genital sensation, and other kinds of circulatory issues can have a similar effect.

Q13:

This isn’t really queer specific but related to being a good person lol…

I’ve been working with an agent for an arts-related career (am trying to keep this vague) and while they’re super smart, respected in their field, legit agency, etc, they’ve been falling behind our intended schedule for a few months now, and I don’t want them to feel like they have to always apologize or be ashamed or anything, but I also want things to… get moving. That said, they’ve shared in dialogue with me bits about their personal life (having a baby, etc) that I know have to make things especially difficult and so I’ve kept our communications positive and (I hope) patient and compassionate.

And yet internally, I just want her behavior to change, and for things to… happen.

Is there a way to handle this with grace and empathy? I hate that capitalism is like this, and I’m annoyed with myself for not being able to extend more patience, but I feel like my projects and opportunities just aren’t “moving,” and I feel let down. Small potatoes given that we’re in a global health crisis, but I can’t shake these feelings of disappointment and frustration :( :/

A:

Vanessa: My feelings on this are two-fold. The first is that, like you mentioned, we are in the midst of a global health crisis, and literally everyone I know in my industry (writing) is behind on everything. Like, I truly do not know a single writer, editor, agent, etc. who isn’t quite a bit behind on multiple projects. We all feel bad about it, no one is happy, we’re all overworked, and yet, as you said, capitalism! Here we are. So in some ways I want to gently suggest that you allow yourself to experience your feelings of disappointment and frustration and also just sort of let it be for now, because truly, we are all going through hell.

The second option though, is that perhaps you and this agent are not a good fit. It’s true that everyone is struggling and falling behind and not moving at the pace some of us were able to keep up with pre-pandemic, but it’s also true that sometimes after some time you see that you and a specific agent/collaborator are not a good match. This can be for any number of reasons, but it’s often no one’s fault and simply an unfortunate truth. It’s possible that because of life circumstances combined with the pandemic combined with who knows what else, you and this agent, no matter how great she is, are simply not the right fit for each other right now. I don’t know which industry you’re in or what the general practices are around this, but in the writing industry, it is okay to part ways from an agent if it’s not working for you.

I would recommend really sitting with your feelings and really examining the realities of the situation, and then try to look at things in a logical, rational light. It’s okay to tell your agent you want to work with someone else. It’s also okay to decide to stay with your agent and articulate some specific goals you’d like to hit and see if she feels capable of taking those on/committing to those. Either way, if your creative work is at stake, you should be making the choices that best allow your art to exist in the world. You can communicate all this professionally and kindly, and you can (and should!) make the decisions that make the most sense for you and your career, while remaining generous to other people’s lived realities, too.

Q14:

advice for focusing on ears as a place of erotic stimulation, beyond the usual nibbling on the outer rim/lobes? very horny to explore my ears more but not really sure how to progress beyond that

A:

Vanessa: I’m a big fan of literally making out with someone’s ear/having someone makeout with my ear. Get your tongue up in there. Get them wet. Tease the whole area with the tip of your tongue. If you have long nails run them all over the area. Pull on the lobes. Just experiment and go to town! If you’re not sure how to ask a babe to do any of this literally show them this paragraph — y’all are welcome!

Q15:

Hi, I needed some advice on flirting/understanding myself and this maybe straight friend of mine, who I hang out with quite a bit and I am very attracted to. I can’t stop thinking about her but we only reconnected recently. A few years ago, I had had feelings for her but she didn’t want to pursue anything despite saying she was attracted to me. Now, that I’m hanging out with her again, I can feel our dynamic coming back and it confuses me because I kind of know I won’t get anything real from this but I also really really want to make out with her. Should I broach this subject with her or am I just confusing normal friend banter for flirting? At this point, I feel like I cannot tell at all because of the history. Also, would approaching any of this look like a predatory/repeated pursuit of someone who has already rejected you? I also feel like I’m very fixated on her despite talking to new people which could develop into something but all I can think about is her?? Also, to clarify the maybe straight part, she frequently talks about getting married to a man but also attraction to women, and has never really defined her “queerness”. All in all, I’m confused as heck and would appreciate any clarity you could possibly give me amidst all these feelings. Also, please, any tips on HOW to flirt would be great, I feel like I don’t know how to navigate flirt territory at all.

A:

Himani: So, you have a few options and I don’t think one of them is inherently better or worse than the other, it just comes down to what kind of risk you want to take.

First, I don’t think it would be predatory to say something like, “Hey, I’ve been enjoying reconnecting, and I feel our old dynamic coming back. I know a few years ago you said you hadn’t wanted to pursue anything with me, but I’m curious what you think now?” Ultimately, she’s an active participant in creating this dynamic between you, so I really don’t think this should come as a surprise to her, but if it does and if she is not interested, then I do think you really need to let this go.

Which brings me to the second option. Maybe you need to think about whether you want to pull back on hanging out with her? Sometimes, I think when we’ve been attracted to people with whom there is no potential future (ie, a straight friend, a friend in a monogamous relationship, etc etc), I think a little distance can be helpful in reigning in the feelings of attraction while still preserving the friendship. Also, and maybe this is just me, there are some people that I know I’m just always going to love and be attracted to. I go into hangouts with them knowing that will happen, but I also make sure I’m not investing all of my time and emotional energy building a connection with someone who doesn’t want something more with me. I don’t know if that distinction makes sense, but it might be worth reflecting on in this situation, especially given that you say you feel very fixated on this person.

And finally, given that she has said to you explicitly before that she is only interested in marrying a man, perhaps you need to pull back from the whole thing entirely. You can end the friendship saying something like, “I love hanging out with you, but I’m finding that I’m developing feelings for you again and I need some space and distance.” This might seem like a drastic option, but I really want to encourage you to consider that if this relationship is keeping you from being able to pursue other relationships with people who want to love and be with you, then this relationship really isn’t serving you. If it’s any comfort, I also have my former friendships/relationships where I know that I’ll always love and care about that person, but I also know that if we try to be friends it’s not going to be healthy for me, and I really and truly do just need to move on with my life.

Q16:

The bi woman that I was dating long-distance for the past 5 months broke up with me over text. This woman has called me her girlfriend in different situations, made the 3-hour drive here for 3 different weekends, has told me that I was the best sex partner she’s ever had, I met her son twice (after she said that she didn’t want him to meet women she’s casually dating), I visited her 3 weekends, she also told me that I’m one of the most caring and attentive people that she’s ever dated, she opened up about her past relationships and issues about her childhood, every time I checked-in with her about us she never voiced any problems and she said that she felt comfortable if she needed to voice any problems. And we had amazing sex multiple times each weekend. She’s only dated 1 woman before me and had lousy sex with this woman. So does this sound like a case of getting cold feet about a deepening, more serious relationship? Or does this sound more like the connection fizzled out? I’m baffled. Covid craziness? I have to ask you awesome peeps because when I asked her for clarification beyond her “it’s me not you” break up text, I didn’t get a response. Thanks!

A:

Vanessa: Unfortunately I do not have any answers to your questions, because I do not know this woman. I’m so sorry this happened to you — it sounds really shitty, and I would be really hurt and disappointed and confused if I were you. That said… there’s really nothing I can advise here that will remove the feelings of hurt and disappointment, and there’s definitely nothing I can say that will remove any of the feelings of confusion.

The worst part of a breakup, especially an unexpected breakup, in my opinion, is the total lack of clarity. As humans we want to feel like we understand what’s going on, and especially in relationships, we want to track when things are going well or when things are going poorly so we can calibrate our expectations and our behaviors. To have the rug pulled out from under us is mystifying and demoralizing, not to mention just really painful if you have developed big feelings for a person! And yet… an ex can almost never give us the thing we want, which is a crystal clear answer to “why don’t you want to be with me anymore?”

Maybe this woman got cold feet. Maybe she lost interest. Maybe it’s Covid-related. Maybe she has no idea why! It doesn’t matter. She decided to end your relationship, and no amount of trying to figure out what went wrong is going to change that. I’m sorry if that seems harsh — it is intended to be the opposite. Because we can’t read her mind, and we can’t change her behavior… but that’s great news, because what you can control is you! If you’re able, I would try to stop focusing on what your ex is thinking or feeling, and start focusing on you. The breakup advice I shared above remains my tried and true go-to: Center yourself… Masturbate a lot. Lean on your friends. Focus on shit that makes you feel happy and hot and fulfilled. STOP WORRYING ABOUT YOUR EX. Get ready for what’s going to happen next. You really never know what it will be — but as long as you’re being kind to yourself, you’ll be ready for it.

Q17:

My partner, we’ll call them M, recently told me they’d like to get top surgery. I’d been suspecting this, so it wasn’t a huge surprise, but it feels real in a new way now that it’s out in the open. I see how much they struggle with dysphoria and can understand what a relief it will be to live in a post-surgery body. At the same time, I’m having some feelings about it (mostly different flavors of sadness) and I know that my partner is not the person to unpack those feelings with. A trans-competent therapist is not easy to find where I live, and I’m afraid my cis friends won’t be compassionate to my partner and my trans friends will feel like my feelings are transphobic/invalidating/not cool of me (a genderqueer person that passes as cis). Who the fuck do I talk to?

Additionally-besides chest dysphoria, M has been feeling not great about some weight gain and the last time we had sex they were most comfortable wearing a shirt that came down to their hips. I asked if it was ok to touch their back and their stomach and although they consented, I’m afraid of doing something that would trigger more body dysmorphia. I’m also struggling with how to make a comfortable transition from kissing to more direct genital contact. I know that the answer is to communicate, and we’ll keep talking about it, but as M is newly navigating all this as well, we’d both benefit from suggestions about what foreplay could look like in a way that feels good for both of us. “I don’t know what to do/am afraid I’m gonna fuck this up” is not the energy I want to bring to bed.

I love M so much and I’m afraid I’m failing them. Looking forward to your replies.

A:

Himani: I want to encourage you to reconsider if there are any friends you can discuss your feelings with. Admittedly, you know your friends and I don’t, but I really hope that they can at least attempt to be thoughtful and understanding of supporting you without laying judgment on either you or M. Sometimes, when I feel uncertain how a friend is going to respond to something I feel incredibly vulnerable about and/or a thought/pattern I’m struggling with that I want to work through (to get past it, because I know it’s problematic), I often preface the conversation with something like, “Ok, I’m really struggling with this right now and I know what I’m about to say is problematic, but I need your help to talk through this.”

Ultimately, you’re allowed to your feelings, even if they are problematic, and your job (which you rightly recognize) is to work through those feelings before you hurt M or anyone else. Perhaps, this topic will feel too personal for some of your trans friends, which is why it might be especially helpful to admit that this is a shortcoming you’re trying to work through up front, so they can opt out of the conversation if it’s one they can’t or don’t want to have with you. The same applies to your cis friends, as well. Right now, you’re making that decision of whether or not they can have that conversation for your friends without giving them a chance to assess for themselves. And again, you know your friends and I don’t so perhaps your assessment is correct. But given that you’re struggling to find someone to process your feelings with, I really encourage you to reconsider if there’s anyone who might be equipped to talk this through with you.

To the second part of your question, my best advice is, as you already know, communicate. Perhaps discuss the option of making this a regular conversation when you’re not in bed (weekly? biweekly? monthly?) with M to check in on where you both are at in terms of what you want during foreplay and sex, as those things can and do change in any situation and any relationship.

Nicole: To answer the second part of your question, I agree with Himani that it would be great to have a longer conversation about what touching / contact feels good, is neutral, is unwanted when not having sex or making out. I also want to recommend that in addition to talking about what you both don’t want, that you try to make plenty of space for affirming what your partner and you do want, that way next time you’re getting down to it, you can feel really confident knowing that you’re touching M in a way that they enjoy! You might need to attempt this a few times, or there might be changes over time, but the important thing is to open up the floor to communication.

Q18:

So, my gf and I broke up a couple days ago. It was one of those situations where she had kids but absolutely wasn’t looking for anyone to be a parental figure, I didn’t want kids but had never been around them to really know how it’d be, and after a bit over two years in a pandemic together she realized she wanted me around them more and I realized my extremely introverted ass didn’t have the mental energy for that. Hence, the break up.

So, my question is: got any recommendations for songs about breakups that are entirely mutual, a long time coming, involve no hard feelings on either side, but are just still a giant bummer all around? Asking for an emotionally constipated gremlin who can’t process her emotions unless someone else processes them for her. (It’s me, I’m the gremlin).

A:

Vanessa: This isn’t a song, but it’s a spoken word poem set to music, so I hope you will accept. My absolute favorite breakup jam of all time is Andrea Gibson’s “Photograph.” It’s so beautiful, so compassionate to both people, so sad, and so fucking honest. I listen to it sometimes and think about exes from the past that I really wish well, because it’s just like, the ideal way to feel after a breakup, I think. Aspirational.

Himani: I’m a sucker for Glen Hansard and I absolutely love the song “The Rain” from his duo the Swell Season.

Q19:

Hey! I think necklace clasps are really annoying – they are so small and you need to get them exactly right. Do you know where one could get necklaces that have easier, less finicky clasps? I’m guessing a store that makes intentionally disability inclusive jewelry would be a great place to look, but I don’t know of any place like that! Any suggestions?

Also, I’d love to get a simple necklace to hold my wedding ring while I’m washing dishes or making bread. So something very simple that I can wear all the time without thinking about, with an extremely easy clasp that also won’t fall off on it’s own ever.

A:

Himani: Have you ever tried an S-shaped necklace clasp? I had one of these when I was younger and I really wish more necklaces came with clasps like this. I think they look really elegant (way more so than the usual clasp) and, in my view at least, are sooooo much easier to use!

In terms of your question of a necklace to hold your wedding ring, what about a loose chain necklace (with no clasp because it goes over the head) and then using some kind of hook or clasp mechanism to hook your wedding ring to that? Essentially, a small carabiner is what I’m envisioning, and there do appear to be a few options for this on Etsy as well.

Nicole: You might also want to look for necklace chains or cords with screw clasps like these. I know they’re still small and fiddly, but I’m hoping that a twisting motion might be easier than trying to open a tiny frustrating clasp.

Q20:

I’m a queer cis woman dating an amazing person both in our early thirties. My partner came out as nonbinary about 2 years ago after 4 years of dating and I was super happy for them!

I’m curious how I can find some patience and peace in these in-between moments of their gender transition, instead of thinking so much about what the destination may or may not be. I can see that they are experiencing a lot of dysphoria. They have mentioned hormones but aren’t sure, and they have hinted there may be other things they are not yet sure about/ready to share. I find myself wondering if they may transition physically in more ways or identify as another gender in the future. They have trouble opening up about emotions in general, so these things are hard for them to talk about.

I’m an “if-there’s-a-problem-let’s-solve-it” kind of person who struggles with ambiguity/transitions in general, so I’m finding it hard to see my partner moving so slowly with their transition. They don’t seem to try a lot of new things and aren’t seeking outside support. I’m never sure if what they need is for me to keep actively encouraging them, or hang back more. I also feel a bit out-of-control as this is something that affects our relationship, but that ultimately rests entirely with them to take action on. I feel so guilty for these feelings of impatience that are coming up and really want to figure out how I can be the most supportive partner possible to this beautiful person.

A:

Himani: A friend once, very aptly, described me as an “outcomes-oriented person.” This was not intended as a compliment, nor an insult but rather an observation in the context of how being so caught up in having a “destination” or clear “goal” in mind was causing me a lot of grief and angst — in my case, in the realm of dating. And then, the pandemic happened, and I think we all of us were faced with the reality that no matter how much you plan there is only so much control we can have over any given “end point” we’re working towards.

I bring this up to say (admittedly, as a cis person), that I think there isn’t really an endpoint to any of our identities. It’s a process of unraveling and uncovering and self discovery that unfolds on its own trajectory and changes as we course through our lives. And so reading your question, I find myself wondering if there’s an end point that you are looking for your partner to have? Perhaps a question to ask yourself is why it matters to you whether there is a concrete “end” to their transition / coming into their gender identity?

Based on your letter, it does sound like your partner is struggling, at least to some extent, so I do understand not wanting to see your partner suffer or have a hard time. But ultimately, this is their journey. I think the best thing you can do is ask them what kind of support they’d like from you. Perhaps, even just opening up that conversation (or revisiting it, if you’ve already had it) can help them become more comfortable sharing some of their feelings and experiences around their transition with you.

Also, even if your partner isn’t seeking outside support, that might be a helpful resource for you to seek out for yourself. It’s always hard to see a partner struggle, and sometimes we can lose ourselves in that too. It might be useful to seek out a therapist yourself to talk through some of your own feelings and more concretely discuss strategies for opening up conversations around the kind of support your partner would like from you.

Nicole: I also want to emphasize that there may not be an endpoint, a final destination, or an ultimate conclusion here. Gender exploration can be a lifelong journey, for cis people, too, even, and I want to gently encourage you to spend some time getting comfortable with thinking about that! There is also SO MUCH going on right now. I mean, when isn’t there, but there is a lot to process emotionally besides one’s gender journey. Personally, I haven’t even found a new therapist for an entire year because there is just literally not room in my life to figure that out right now. Life contains so many little to-do’s and I just want to encourage you to give your partner the space to determine their own order of priority for their transition or exploration and related activities like finding outside help, according to their comfort level. Like Himani suggested, you can always ask how you can be more supportive and you can follow up in a few weeks to check back in again (unless your partner asks you not to of cours). You can also just state or make it known that you’re there to listen when or if they need it, even tell them that you appreciate hearing about emotions (the reminder that you value this might be nice for them to hear, especially if they look at sharing their feelings with others as an imposition). That may help open up the space for them to talk things through with you when they’re ready. Then, when they do share, follow through by listening.

You mention that their transition may affect your relationship, and that’s true, but everything affects our relationships! Jobs, moving, family, friends, health and so many other things can alter the landscapes of our relationships and we often cannot tell how that will happen or when. So, for now, I’m going to suggest finding the moments where you can be present within your relationship, and just enjoying the company of your partner, with each of you meeting each other where you are in the present moment, being the loving people that you are!

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