Welcome to the 52nd edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed, like this one! Next month’s theme is FRIENDSHIP DRAMA, in honor of um…Palentine’s Day. What do you need help with coping with, mending, fixing, or processing with your friends? Let us know by Monday February 7th! Answers will publish on February 18th! The general Into the A+ Advice Box, where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now that you know to send us your questions on all things your FRIENDSHIP DRAMA, let’s dig into YOUR LOOK!

Q1:

Has anyone ever used a toolbelt for sex toys during sex? Just bought my girlfriend one for her non-sex construction-y DIY toys and can’t stop thinking that the little hammer loop would be perfect for a Magic Wand and there are all these pockets for loops and vibes and dildos. But also do I really want to wear a toolbelt during sex? How would that work? THOUGHTS?!

A:

Vanessa: Okay, I have *not* tried this, but my girlfriend and I were LITERALLY just joking about this a couple of days ago, and I am VERY pro the idea! I think you should go for it! Why not?!?! Wear the toolbelt during sex! Keep your “tools” in it! If you hate wearing it while you’re fucking, take it off! If your girlfriend wants to try it on, let her! Life is short and we are all gonna die — GRAB HAPPINESS WHERE YOU CAN, DON’T HESITATE (yes I am using a title of a Mary Oliver poem to answer advice about wearing a toolbelt during sex, yes I love my job and being a dyke!). Anyway if you do this and like it, please report back, as that will likely be the push I need to buy a toolbelt for my girlfriend to wear during sex, and frankly, I’d like that push. [10 hours later] Okay well UPDATE, I mentioned this question to my girlfriend (who is also an A+ member, hi babe!) this morning and teased her that I was going to buy her a toolbelt, and when I went over for dinner tonight she opened the door… literally wearing a toolbelt filled with sex toys, like a goddamn angel. Anyway I can now say YES, I have used a toolbelt for sex toys during sex, and YES, 10/10 would recommend! In the middle of flogging me she cried out, delighted, “I have everything I need right at my fingertips!” and then grabbed the lube, which was indeed right at her fingertips, so anyway I think you should buy a sex toolbelt immediately. Thank you and you’re welcome.

Ro: First, congratulations to Vanessa on this tale of triumph and tool belts! Reader, I agree with everything Vanessa said — go for it! Life is short! Embrace any and all sexaccesories that bring you joy! I think a tool belt would be especially great for holding a bottle of lube — in my experience, lube bottles tend to roll away and get lost right when you need them.

Meg: I don’t have anything to add, I’m just obsessed with this question and these answers and I think I also need to buy a tool belt. Well done all around, team.

Q2:

I’m a fairly preppy butch dating a high femme burlesque dancer. What do I wear to her performances? [Small venues, N95 + vax required, etc.] She told me to wear whatever I want which is not very helpful lol. Is this a tshirt and jeans thing? A blazer + tie thing? Do I wear wing tips or Docs?? Historically I have been more likely to go to the opera or the symphony than a burlesque show, so I’m a bit out of my depth here!

A:

Vanessa: This is a really cute question! If I were you I would wear my favorite medium fancy date outfit – the thing I’ve noticed about burlesque is really the focus on what the performers are wearing (or not wearing), so as an audience member, you really are pretty off the hook. That said, your date might introduce you to her friends after the performance and it will be nice to feel your most confident and best, so I think the key is wearing the thing that will help you feel that way. I personally would say a combo of the two spectrums you’ve suggested would be just fine – maybe jeans with a blazer, no tie, and Docs? But that’s because I would be excited if my date wore that, haha. I think what I would really do if I were you is say, “Hey babe, I know you said I can wear whatever I want, but I literally have never been to a burlesque performance before and I really want to wear whatever YOU want me to wear… so can you play stylist and tell me what to wear, please? Down to the details of which socks you’d prefer, I’m serious!” I don’t know what your dynamic is or if that would be a reasonable thing to say in your dynamic, but I do think asking for more guidance about what to wear to an event you’ve never attended before is always totally reasonable. Have fun!

Ro: I have a lot of friends who are burlesque performers, producers and hosts, so I’ve been to a LOT of burlesque shows in my lifetime. From my observation, it seems like people who work in the industry and/or are burlesque fans tend to embrace “alternative style” (I am NOT a fashion writer, so bear with me here). At burlesque shows, I notice lots of tattoos, unique hairstyles, clothing that combines vintage and punk aesthetics, etc., and the people I’ve met in these spaces tend to be open-minded and openly weird. So if you’ve ever wanted to experiment with your style and try something that feels a little daring, a burlesque show is a great place to do that! Maybe you’ve always wanted to pair black and gray clothing with super bright shoes. Maybe you want to style your hair in a giant pompadour. Maybe you’d like to spruce up your outfit with collar clips or a silk scarf or a pocket watch or leather suspenders. Go for it! You’ll probably get a lot of compliments.

Q3:

For the ‘your look in the new year’ inbox: has anyone ever attempted to DIY making some bondage-harness-type lingerie out of like some black elastic and metal rings from a craft shop? Because I think about this often. Not anything to actually use as functional restraints, just like imagine making The Perfect black strappy cage bra, with a design I really liked, that fits properly and is comfy, AND didn’t have to be shipped from overseas… I don’t have many options. this may remain just A Thought for a while. But it’s quite a nice thought.

A:

Vanessa: I personally have never made this, but we did run an article about it many moons ago! Well, okay, after searching for quite a while and consulting the team and eventually having Riese find the post I was thinking about (which I had strongly started to believe I had maybe imagined) I’m thinking maybe this isn’t QUITE what you’re envisioning, but it’s definitely a Version Of, and perhaps will inspire you to make your own exact vision a reality. Whether you continue thinking this thought or whether you act on it, I support you!

Nicole: Is this (YouTube Video I just looked up) like what you were thinking of? Because wow, this actually looks pretty do-able!

Q4:

I have always had a dry/flaky scalp which means dandruff city, a particularly rough place to live for a lazy goth like me who’s always in black. I’ve tried shampoos that are “for dandruff” or “gentle” or have coal tar or tea tree oil or whatever. I’ve also tried not washing my hair so much, but my hair gets greasy and itchy immediately, so that didn’t work. But! For the past 1.5 years, I’ve buzzed my head so I don’t have to worry about greasy hair so much. However, my dandruff is more noticeable than ever. I would super appreciate any advice for products or care routines or etc! Or even where to look to learn more about how to deal with my specific scalp/hair situation. I’m not big into beauty stuff and so much of what’s out there seems like mostly ads or scams, so I have no idea where to start. Thank you so much for any help!!

A:

Yash: I’ve been there, letter-writer — I’ve got thick dark mixed-race-kid hair that I often joke is my worst roommate since it never tells me its plans and it totally drains me, haha. This is where a dermatologist can help — if your scalp hasn’t responded to OTC options like you mentioned, there are some other skin conditions that might be in the mix that require different diagnosis or treatment, or perhaps the level of active ingredient you need is higher than what’s available without a prescription. Your dermatologist can make sure you’re treating the correct problem with the correct ingredients, usually a prescription selenium sulfide shampoo that’ll start showing a difference after a week or so. I know appointments like these can be $$ and also take time out of your day, but the hassle is worth it to be able to wear your favorite black clothes with confidence! If a trip to the dermatologist really isn’t an option right now, the closest thing you’ll get to the prescription option is Head & Shoulders Clinical Strength in the dark blue (it’s way stronger than other dry/flaky branded options I’ve found, and it’s worked for me).

Ro: Yash is right — if you have insurance, seeing a dermatologist will probably help you out the most. Also I deeply relate your question — I almost always wear black, I recently buzzed my hair again AND I deal with scalp dryness because a very sexy fact about me is that I have scalp psoriasis. Prescribed shampoo is pretty much the only thing that helps scalp psoriasis, but mine isn’t too bad, so I’ve been taking more of a DIY approach these days. Here are some things to try in addition to using dandruff shampoo:

1. Use a scalp scrub in the shower to get rid of flakes. I use Pacifica’s Rosemary Detox Scalp Scrub. I don’t know if it’s good because it’s the only one I’ve tried, but it’s been working for me.
2. Use a silicone scalp scrubber to wash your hair in the shower.
3. Try a scalp mask (slather coconut oil on your head and let it sink in for a while — then wash it out in the shower).

Good luck!

Vanessa: Haha okay is a hot and sexy thing about the entire AS team that we all have intense dandruff that needs prescription shampoo to be tamed? IS DANDRUFF QUEER CULTURE? Okay anyway, love (hate) this for all of us! So, I also have scalp psoriasis and to be honest, I kind of just let it be. I have dandruff all the time. Lovers notice me scratching my head. At this point it is sort of a self soothing thing and my therapist has told me not to worry about it too much so I don’t. But at times in my life when I’ve really wanted to be rid of the dandruff and the flakes, even prescription shampoo hasn’t really worked — but a dermatologist did prescribe like a liquid hydrocortisone situation and that cleared it up. I didn’t like using that indefinitely though so I stopped, and the itching and the flakes came back. I think unfortunately a dermatologist is probably the key here, but as Yash and Ro mentioned above, because it can be cost prohibitive and also just challenging to access in general, some over the counter options are better than others. The best not prescribed shampoo I’ve tried was the Neutrogena T-Gel one. It smells gross but it was like 80% successful in calming the itch and the flakes. Good luck <3

Q5:

Happy New Year Autostraddle!

I’ve been trying to present more masc/andro and find myself struggling in the pant department. I’ve been wearing the same skinny jeans for the past five years and while they’re comfortable, they don’t give off the vibe I’m going for. When people see my skinny jeans, they immediately think, “THAT’S A LADY”. I’ve tried a ton of men’s jeans lately, but there’s always something about them that just doesn’t work for me: they’re too low, the waist gap is huge, they’re tight in the hips, tight in the thighs, multiple combinations of any or all of these… Women’s jeans are likewise frustrating.

I was able to put off shopping for a while because I’ve been working at home for the past two years and most people only saw my head and shoulders on Zoom. I just didn’t look down at my body when I got dressed. I no longer have that luxury.

I feel so masculine inside. People just don’t see that when they look at me. I’m thinking of going on T soon, but in the meantime I need something to cover my ass. Do y’all have any brands you’d recommend/ fit advice?

Thank you for everything you do. This site is a life-saver.

-PantslessLife4ever?

A:

Em: I FEEL you and, if I understand you correctly, it seems like you may be nervous or uncomfortable about how your body looks in clothes now? We keep hearing experts say that the collective “we” have been gaining weight due to staying indoors, enduring stress, etc., but that isn’t very comforting, especially when it feels like one day we just woke up and suddenly have to dress this whole new body and look somewhat decent. I’ve coped with this by working on two things: body neutrality and, honestly, Marie Kondo’s #1 rule of sorting through clothing: asking yourself “does this spark joy?” When I look in the mirror and feel sad or frustrated by my clothing or how I look, I pick one thing on my body that I feel neutral about. It could be anything, for example, “I feel neutral about my collarbone.” Reciting this every day has slowly helped me accept the changes I may or may not be in control of. As for Marie Kondo’s rule, I’ve navigated shopping by going places I know are within my budget, have a good return policy, and have inclusive sizing. For me recently that’s been Old Navy. When I either get things shipped to me or try things on in person I ask myself “Does this spark joy? Do I feel good in this? Am I confident in this?” If the answer is no, I immediately return it. Work clothing can be as basic as stretchy black slacks (I’ve found a few of these at Costco) and simple button up tee. Be gentle with yourself as you try on different sizes and remember the most important thing is the way your body feels in what it’s wearing. If all else fails, simplicity is key!

Yash: Oh pal, I feel this one. My style’s always been more tomboy-masc, but as a cheerful chatty Aries I’m often read as girly in ways that don’t feel right. Maybe gender presentation and jeans are like hips and waists; it’s a struggle to find something where both fit at once. What’s helped me is taking inspiration from early 20th cen casual menswear – a straight or slim-straight leg denim with a low elastic content may be the best bet. Clothing designed for women often emphasizes curve and drape, and that’s not what we want, this is the skinny jeans conundrum. So instead, I buy in the men’s section based on my hip measurements and thigh/leg opening measurements; my thinking is that I’d rather have something fit comfortably in the seat and be too big in the waist, because that I can always alter or cinch down with a good belt. Back in the day, men’s jeans used to have buckles at the back of the waist for this kind of cinching too; I personally think these look cool as hell, and if you buy longer inseams and have them hemmed, alterations shops can use that extra fabric to create a lil buckle situation for you like this inexpensively! “Size up, alter down” has saved me a lot of time, money, and frustration. I’m sending you lots of sympathy and solidarity — finding my dream jeans took time and it sucked and it’s a horrible feeling when something doesn’t fit, whether that’s physical or metaphorical.

TL;DR: the jeans that have worked for me are the classic men’s rigid Levi’s 501s, which i purchased so they’d fit the thighs & hips and which cost ~$40 to have taken in at the back center seam so they’d fit at the waist. The higher the elastic content in fabric, the faster it wears out and gets baggy in weird places, so I stick to cotton wherever I can; it breaks in real quick and real soft, and it’ll last you ages. I cinch any extra room in the waist with canvas webbing belts I buy in fun colors at the hardware store where the cute cashier is nice to me.

Ro: I can only speak to my experience as a straight-size person who prefers menswear, so if that’s helpful for you, read on:

I’m very short with a somewhat significant ass and a chronic illness that can make me painfully bloated, so it’s hard for me to find men’s pants that fit me correctly and comfortably. I’ve had the most luck with men’s jeans that have some stretch to them — that way, there’s more room for my ass and for my abdomen if I fill up with air. I also like wearing pants with some stretch because then I don’t have to buy new clothes as often when my overall body size fluctuates.

If you can believe it, I’ve had the best luck with men’s jeans from American Eagle. Their slim “AirFlex” jeans are nice and stretchy, and they even make “athletic fit” jeans that have extra room in the thighs. They also have a lot of sales! Their size range is 26 – 48. This is definitely not your best option if you’re looking to buy jeans from an ethical and sustainable brand, but if you don’t have much money to spare and need to build a wardrobe quickly, this might work for you (and you can always browse Poshmark and Depop to buy a used pair).

Q6:

This is for the New Year, New Look advice box.
I am quite femme presenting and I have quite a conservative job (law firm), but in 2022 I really want to explore dressing more androgynously and seeing how that feels. Do you have any suggestions for how to do this in the workplace when I still need to look professional for court etc, as well as in more casual day-to-day style? What are some staples I should start with? Are there ways to make feminine outfits read a bit more androgynous with small changes (so I don’t have to completely change how I dress right away)?

A:

Yash: I firmly believe that there is nothing that looks good on cishet dudes that wouldn’t look better on gals, and I firmly, firmly believe it should not cost you ninety bazillion dollars to experiment with your gender presentation and androgyny like this — this should be fun! For me, the first place to start has been silhouette; lots of women’s clothes, from formal suiting to casual wear, is curved and fitted, so introducing boxy/oversized shapes with button-downs or tshirts that don’t have the more fitted sleeves you see on women’s designs, chunky sweaters, boxy blazers, or wider-cut straight-leg pants can make a big difference. I also recommend some slick-ass boots: they’re an instant confidence machine, and a pair of black flat chelsea boots can move between on-duty and off-duty looks without losing that rockstar feeling. There are super affordable versions of things like this at places like H&M, Zara, Topshop, Gap, and local vintage clothing stores, particularly when you let yourself shop in the men’s section (where they HIDE ALL THE GOOD TSHIRTS THAT AREN’T SEE THROUGH AND SWEATERS THAT ARE ACTUALLY WARM.) I’d say to start by trying a cheap version of something and then, when you know you like how boots or oversized blazers feel, then you can invest in a nicer version.

Meg: Absolutely seconding all of Yash’s excellent advice, particularly the Chelsea boots and button-downs — a great pair of basic boots go with absolutely everything, and can work whether you’re feeling more femme or more androgynous on any given day. I’ve been collecting button-down shirts over the last few years and having different silhouettes in my closet has been a game changer, since some days I want a really boxy blouse-y situation and other days I want a more fitted look. (Experiment with the number of buttons you leave undone, as well as what you wear underneath!) My favorites are from Madewell, Androgynous Fox, Banana Republic, and ASOS, but vintage and thrift shops are amazing for this sort of thing if you have access to good ones in your area.

And when in doubt, put on a leather jacket. Works with everything.

Q7:

I made the decision to ditch my purse/big wallet in the new year and it is so oddly freeing to just leave the house without grabbing a bunch of stuff(!?!) I switched over to a small, slim billfold style wallet that looks more traditionally “masculine” than other wallets I’ve had in the past and I love it! I’ve also started acquiring more clothes and outerwear with pockets, and it’s just (!!?) blowing my mind how inconvenient/impractical most “womens” clothes and accessories are made to be. 🙄 Ok all that said, my actual question to you is do you have any other tips for minimizing accessories, favorite brands of bags/purses that skew a little more masc? Like, I’m so used to carrying a purse that has a bunch of stuff in it (plus my butch partner’s stuff— “honey can you hold my sunglasses?” 😆🙃) that now I’m like, “Ok but wait where do I put my chapstick, bandaids, Advil, and other items I may need whilst out and about??” I guess this was all sort of prompted by two things 1) it’s the pandemmy and I haven’t been going much of anywhere for two years and 2) I’ve been experimenting w/ slightly more “masculine” or less femme-y/more neutral clothing and hairstyles over the last couple of years. This shedding of the purse felt like another step in that direction that I didn’t know I needed but now I’m so glad to have taken!

A:

Em: I’ve actually been experimenting with the same thing! I’m slowly transitioning from more femme expression to a more masc apperance and the purse thing is a struggle! The first suggestion I have is the classic crossbody bag. It’s gender-neutral and some brands can surprisingly hold a lot of stuff. I’ve been using this dark blue Eddie Bauer crossbody bag for like 3 years and it’s worked wonders. It’s pretty granola-y, but there are other brands and styles that are much more masc-of-center and stylish like Fjallraven, Supreme, Nike, Puma, or Calvin Klein. My second suggestion would be using a wallet that’s flat and long. Even though Vera Bradely is hella femme, I came across a simple black, flat wallet that fits my vax card, some cash, my ID, and few cards and still remains pretty flat. When I put it in my front or back pockets I can hardly see it from the outside. My third suggestion is using your belt as a sort of toolbelt where you can hang things off a carabiner. I’ve seen people hang keys, chapstick in chapstick holders, AirPod cases, etc. and it still looks masc and hot because its queer flagging at its finest.

Ro: I love a sling bag! You can opt for a more casual, fabric sling back or fanny pack, or you can go with something that’s leather or pleather for a slightly fancier look. My favorite casual option is this REI Waistpack, which has room for my wallet, a water bottle, hand sanitizer, extra masks, chapstick and even a small book.

Q8:

I want to chop off all of my hair, but I don’t have a specific style in mind. How would you go about asking a hairdresser for a short cut? (Add’l Context: I have straight hair that I need to shampoo a couple times a week. I’m lazy about hair maintenance. And I’m waiting until omicron peters out before going in for a cut.)

A:

Casey: I just chopped off my hair at the end of last summer and I love it! I always bring a picture saved on my phone (or two or three or more) of the type of haircut I like. I think just asking your hairdresser for a short cut with no ideas in mind could go a lot of different ways, perhaps some that would not work out for you (unless you have a longstanding good relationship with a hairdresser which it sounds like you don’t).

You don’t necessarily need to find a picture of the perfect cut. You could find a few, say one that you like the bangs on, another that you like the back of, etc. If you like a certain cut except for one detail, you can show it to the hairdresser and mention what you like and don’t like. One last thing about pictures: make sure you are choosing ones that have your hair type!

You may want to peruse the hair archives on this very website for ideas! You don’t say if you’re looking for a masculine or femme or androgynous look, and maybe you don’t know! I think browsing pictures will help.

Depdending on where you live, hopefully you can google around and find an explicitly queer friendly hairdresser. Or ask local queer friends who does their hair. Then you can feel comfy being honest about what you want, especially if you’re nervous about asking for a cut that looks queer. I am also very low maintenance about my hair and I always explicitly tell hairdressers that because I don’t want a cut that is only gonna look good if I style it every day. Ask for what you want and don’t be shy! If the hairdresser tries to make you get something you’re not comfortable with then that’s not a good hairdresser!

Yash: Seconding everything Casey’s outlined here; this zine from my fav queer printmaker and zine writer Susie Rumsby comes with me to every haircut I get too, just because it affirms what I want while also poking comforting fun at the absurdity of communicating haircut goals when changing your look feels daunting

​​Ro: If you’re feeling open-minded, go to a queer-friendly hairdresser or barber (ask your queer pals where they go or post in your local Queer Exchange group to find a solid option), tell them you want a short and low-maintenance style and ask them what they think would work best (and look best) based on your hair type. That way, you’ll end up with something that actually works for your specific hair instead of trying to make your hair do a thing that it doesn’t naturally want to do.

Q9:

Hi. I was thinking, on the topic of the “your look” theme, do you have any great thoughts about relationships with money and how to deal with that affecting your self presentation? I’ve recently had some long conversations with my sister about the way we were raised and the way our (ironically quite well-off) parents behaved around refusing to buy new things and shaming us for asking to buy things, especially clothing. As adults we’ve both been going through a process of teaching ourselves that we are allowed to, you know, actually decide how to spend our own money, and decide that owning clothes that uphold a bit of basic self-worth doesn’t make us bad people. I guess I’ve already started on this journey of relearning, but I think my younger sister is a bit further along with healing from that particular aspect of our childhood, and I just wish I found it easier to get an external perspective on this stuff.

A:

Ro: Developing a healthy relationship with money is tough. My parents didn’t teach me any financial literacy when I was growing up. As an adult, I’ve consistently survived on relatively low and inconsistent wages (and in my 20s, I was surviving on very, VERY low wages), so buying things for myself, even when I have the funds to do it, can feel scary! Something that’s been helpful for me is thinking about the value that something will bring to my life before I buy it. Here’s a recent example:

I go for a lot of long walks for my mental health. Do I technically have appropriate footwear for these walks? Sure. But the Docs I’ve been wearing to keep my feet warm on colder days aren’t great for my chronic knee and foot pain, so in the winter, my walks end up being shorter than I’d like. I wanted some lightweight, cushy, waterproof trail shoes, but the ones I liked were so expensive! But I went for it. Did I spend a lot of money on these shoes? Yep. But are they adding value to my life every day? Absolutely. Thanks to these shoes, I can go for longer walks, my feet stay dry and comfortable and I feel like I’m walking on a damn cloud.

In your case, maybe new clothes will add value to your life by making you feel more put-together and professional in a work setting or by bringing you a boost of confidence on a date. It’s ok to buy things that make you feel good!

Q10:

I’m starting grad school this week and at least one class has a “professional dress” requirement and the required orientation was mandatory business formal before it got moved online due to COVID. I’m on the more masc side and have plenty of tomboy toe type dress shoes, but I hate the confined feeling of a button up and I hate the idea of conforming to a white cis man’s idea of professional. Any ideas for queer alternatives? Looking for comfort for me and not worried about causing some discomfort for the folks making the rules.

A:

Vanessa: I am a cis femme dyke, so my answer is coming from a place of conversations I’ve had with more masc friends and lovers and styles I personally think look very hot, but don’t personally wear myself — just wanted to give the disclosure before I begin! That said, I think a t-shirt and open blazer is VERY hot, not super confining, absolutely “professional” (god I hate that concept), and would probably be quite comfortable and stylish, especially over Zoom. I’m also a big fan of a nice sweater, which can be as low key or exciting as you desire (solids vs prints, chunky knits vs cashmere, etc etc). I also like the idea of throwing a tie over anything and calling it professional. It’s nice that you will be online because you can pair all of these options with pajama pants, which to me, feels like the ultimate “fuck you” to a professional dress code.

Nicole: Is it very 80’s of me to suggest a turtleneck and a blazer? But also, I agree that playing with sweater and blazer prints and fabrics, and pairing either with a tee under them, is a great way to go!

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