Welcome to the 49th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed. This month’s theme is HOLIGAY QUESTIONS! Let us help you pick a celebratory outfit, narrow down the perfect last-minute gift, cope with an annoying family dynamic. Is it related to this time of year? We’d love to hear your question! Please get your questions in by this coming Monday, December 6, 2021! These will publish on December 17th. The general Into the A+ Advice Box (like this one!) where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month.

So, let’s dig in!

Q1:

Thank goddess for this box because I am too embarrassed to ask this to anyone else.

If you are definitely developing ✨feelings✨ for your incredibly cute, v queer therapist, should you stop going to see them? I really wanted a queer therapist and now that I have one, I think I have a crush on them and I feel all kinds of conflicted because they are actually very good at their job and I think they are helping me a lot but…god they are so attractive! HELP

A:

Ro: What you’re experiencing is actually quite common! Talking to a therapist is an intimate experience, and for some therapy clients, that intimacy can lead to romantic and/or sexual feelings. Therapists usually call this experience “erotic transference,” and it’s definitely something you can bring up with your practitioner, especially if you think it’s affecting your ability to be honest in your sessions and/or receive the care you’re seeking. Your therapist should be trained in how to best navigate this issue.

I know that bringing this up might feel really scary, but remember that this probably isn’t the first time your therapist has encountered erotic transference. Plus, when you talk through it, you might gain some insight into your current needs and/or your past relationships. If you and your therapist discuss your feelings and you’re still feeling weird (or if your therapist is feeling weird), then you might decide to part ways, and that’s ok. Your therapist should be able to help you find a new practitioner.

I also want to make sure this is very clear: you cannot and should not try to flirt with or date your therapist. You and your therapist cannot legally date or engage in sexual contact while you are their client or while you are a recently discharged client — it’s a violation of the American Psychological Association Code of Ethics.

Q2:

Hi! My wife and I both used to ID as bi. recently she’s realized she feels happier IDing as lesbian, and I’m asking for your advice in grieving this part of our relationship that we no longer share. Since choosing to embrace her new label, she’s confided in me it’s made her feel happier, and she’s even exploring some new gender expression to go along with it. The selfless part of me is so happy for her! Do what makes you happy! The selfish part of me is sad we can no longer talk about enjoying the sight of masc-presenting people together anymore. This is not speculative- she’s let me know she doesn’t care for masc people we see out and about when I’ve pointed them out. Normally when something isn’t smooth sailing in our relationship, I bring it directly to her. We have this system I love where we check in with each other: we explicitly bring up and celebrate ways we’ve felt loved by the other person and we verbalize any misunderstandings or concerns we’ve had re: our relationship in the past month. It works fantastically well bc sometimes right when something hurtful happens, it’s not the right time to immediately address it- the show starts in five minutes, you don’t have the spoons for a big convo. So we open this space to resolve those issues. Now, this is a case where I don’t feel it’s cool of me to bring this to check in because I don’t want to inhibit her euphoria- she’d definitely hold back if she knew this change makes me partially sad. Bringing it up to her feels like when you come out to your parents and they make it about their sadness of their unmet expectations instead of celebrating you or taking care of you.

A:

Ro: It sounds like you and your wife have established a consistent safe space where you can bring up concerns at an appropriate time — so use it! Your feelings are valid. You used to share an identity and experience with your partner and now you don’t. Experiencing some sadness around that is normal — it doesn’t mean you’re unsupportive. Plus, there’s a chance your wife can already sense that something’s up, and it might benefit both of you to clear the air. And sharing your feelings once might be all you need in order to feel some release.

You can tell your wife exactly what you wrote in the advice box — you recognize that this revelation about her sexulaty is making her happy. You’re happy for her, AND you’re having a tough time with the knowledge that there are some experiences you’ll no longer share. Ask your wife if there are any specific ways in which you can support her in exploring her sexuality and gender expression and offer some specific ways that she can support you.

But here’s the most important part: your wife can’t be the #1 person who supports you through your feelings around this. Make sure you’re getting ongoing support from friends or a therapist so that you can take care of yourself while also giving your wife space to feel joy in her evolving sexuality. It sounds like giving her that space is already something that’s important to you, so you’re on the right track!

Q3:

Okay so I have a classic here: a sappy anxious advice question about long distance relationships. Here’s the deal: I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost four years. We’ve been friends (and roommates) for even longer. I had planned a couple of years ago to move, likely across the country, for grad school. The pandemic delayed it. In that time she has found a full time job in her field in the city where we already live (also where all our friends and family are). The plan was that she would come with me for the two year program and then we would return here and probably buy a house and continue our lives. Things are different now for a lot of reasons, and she’s not sure she wants to give up this job to move somewhere where she knows no one and has no career. I understand that, but I’m low key devastated because our whole plan is probably shot and I’m terrified of moving across the country alone, to an unfamiliar city, during a pandemic that makes meeting people and doing normal things to get to know a place difficult. We have talked things out and are both fully committed to doing long distance if need be, but I’m still struggling with: 1. Should I just stay home and do online school (which is common in my field) instead, in light of all these obstacles, and also 2. How do you suddenly be long distance with someone you’ve lived with for years? I’m so so afraid but I don’t want to let my fears get the better of me. Help!

A:

Himani: I’m going to do my best to answer your question with the full disclosure that I have literally zero personal experience to go off of when offering you my thoughts on this. Ultimately, my response boils down to: there is no single right answer to anything and no decision is ever truly permanent.

It is unfortunate when you have a good thing going, you have a plan in place and then… life throws a curveball your way that just kind of upends everything. And you absolutely are allowed to feel devastated by that. It’s an unsettling thing when it happens and it can feel really hard to move forward because it can feel like everything you were working toward has just completely fallen apart. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, but as Ro said in response to the previous question, your girlfriend can’t (and, in this case in particular, really shouldn’t) be the only person who supports you through those feelings. Make sure you have a network of friends, family and possibly a therapist to help you navigate your feelings around all this. Ultimately, the place that (I think at least) you want to work towards is trying to hold the perspective that no matter what, you and your girlfriend will figure your lives out.

In terms of how to get there, so I think there’s a few things you can think about that may help you look at this situation from a few different lenses. Honestly, I go back and forth on whether and to what extent relationships should inform personal decisions about career and school. A lot of people will push you strongly one way or the other, but at the end of the day that is purely a personal decision for you and your girlfriend to make – separately, those are separate decisions for each of you.

Two years is both a long time and also, really isn’t (given that we are nearly approaching two years of the pandemic being our current reality…). I can completely understand why your girlfriend doesn’t want to let go of a career and a life she’s built for herself for two years to have to come back and rebuild it. Finding jobs can be really hard and if someone is really committed to their work or their professional trajectory, bouncing around can really upend those things. And similarly, for you, going to grad school, at least in this discipline, is probably something you’re going to do once in your life. You don’t want to throw away your shot at it, for good reason. Arguably, though, finding a loving relationship with someone you’re compatible with is also incredibly hard and, for many people, can be something that only happens once or maybe a handful of times in their life, at best.

So, as I said, there is no single right answer. The only thing you can do is make a decision now and do the best you can to keep things going. A very good friend of mine who has been with her partner for over ten years was off and on long distance for much of that time because of their different grad school and professional trajectories. They found ways to make it work – using technology to keep in touch, visiting each other on breaks and so on. I get that isn’t for everyone, but that’s something only you and your girlfriend can figure out together if you try it.

When it comes to the question of online school, so I think you really have to consider your own learning style. For me personally, whenever I have tried to do online courses, I tend to procrastinate and fall really, really behind on the work. I, personally, need the accountability of showing up in person to actually do the readings and assignments at the pace that was intended by the professor. For other people, though, online school works out great; they love the flexibility of doing things at their own pace and on their own schedule and not being tied to showing up on a campus at a specific place and time. Again, given that getting this particular grad degree is something you’re going to do once in your life, make sure you take the time to consider this carefully and really prioritize your needs and learning style in making this decision.

In terms of your apprehensions around moving to a new city on your own, that is very real. One thing that may help on that front is to remember that you’ll be moving in the context of going to school which, I think, will make it easier to find connections and build community and friendships. Your grad program will very likely have meet and greet and networking events to bring all the students in the program together; there are very likely other organizations and groups you can join on campus that are tied to your interests that can also help you feel a little less lost and alone when moving to a new place.

Finally, I am purely speculating and very likely projecting some of my own anxieties about life onto you, but when it comes to your closing sentence (“I’m so so afraid but I don’t want to let my fears get the better of me.”), I wonder if part of this is about a fear of not being in control? I personally have a lot of apprehensions around things lasting and struggle a lot with the impermanence of things.

This may be a bit of a bleak way of looking at it, but the truth is you can’t really control any of this. Even if you do online school and stay in your city, or even if your girlfriend moves cross country with you, there is no guarantee that your relationship will last simply because you both found a way to stay physically together. On the flip side, if you do the long distance relationship, that doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship will be negatively impacted or that you’ll struggle to remain together and maintain intimacy. And when it comes to grad school itself, there are also no guarantees. I know plenty of people who started a grad program and stopped part way through because it just was not the right fit for them and they realized that they didn’t particularly want to get that degree or work in that field. That could be equally true for you, regardless of whether you do the online degree or the in-person one.

As I said, this is something I personally struggle with a lot, and I don’t mean to imply that we have absolutely no control or agency in our lives and that our actions and decisions don’t matter. But there is a limit to how much we can control our futures, unfortunately, and it’s hard to accept that reality but I do believe it’s true. The thing I try to hold increasingly is that, no matter what happens, I will find a way through whatever comes my way, and I believe that this is true for you as well.

Kayla: Himani really provided a lot of great things to think about as you approach this Big Question. This is, especially, a difficult but honest reality: “Even if you do online school and stay in your city, or even if your girlfriend moves cross country with you, there is no guarantee that your relationship will last simply because you both found a way to stay physically together.” It’s true! There’s only so much planning for the future that any of us can do. Relationships and life in general can be unpredictable and ever-evolving.

If you do end up transitioning into a long distance relationship, I think it would be best to keep in mind that the relationship will be different! That seems obvious, but I think it’s really important to expect and be open to change upfront instead of tricking yourself into thinking everything will look and feel the same. It won’t. And that doesn’t have to be scary. It’ll ultimately be good for both of you if you let the relationship morph and change rather than trying to force it to fit the shape it has now. Distance is tough, but it’s not doomed. If it looks like you’re indeed going to spend these two years apart, talk with your girlfriend as much as possible about it before you leave. Decide — together — what you want/need in terms of phone calls, intentional time spent virtually together, etc. Also know that those wants/needs might shift. I’ve been in long distance relationships before — though admittedly not after I’ve already lived with someone! I imagine that’ll have its own set of challenges, but I do think general advice about long distance relationships could be helpful to read beforehand.

Q4:

Do you have any advice for someone who wants to want monogamy? I have been with my wife for many years and the one recurring argument we have is that I want to be poly and she wants to be monogamous. She always wins this argument and I don’t see that ever changing. I don’t want to leave my wife, I don’t want to cheat on her, I just want to stop getting crushes on other people and to be happy with monogamy. I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried telling my wife about my crushes. Is there anything I can do other than live with the constant feeling that I’m missing out? Why exactly do people like monogamy, other than avoiding jealousy, which is not an emotion I can ever imagine feeling with my wife?

A:

Ro: I can’t tell you what your wife likes about monogamy — she’s the only person who can answer that. But I can tell you that you can’t make yourself want something that you don’t actually want. You and your wife haven’t aligned in this area for years, so the only options are to compromise or end the relationship.

It sounds like you’ve been doing the majority of the compromising, but your current relationship structure clearly isn’t working for you. How exactly do you and your wife define “monogamy?” Are there ways in which your wife would be willing to stretch the limits of what monogamy means for her? Is there room in your monogamous relationship for flirting in person or online? Sharing nudes or thirst traps with other people? Having threesomes? Making out with strangers at dance parties? Hiring a sex worker? Putting more emotional effort into your friendships? If she’s open to any of those options, would engaging in those behaviors be enough to fulfill you? Be honest with yourself. And if you haven’t already talked through your differing needs with a relationship therapist, that might be helpful, too.

But if you’re super clear on what you want and your wife is super clear on what she wants and those two things just don’t align, then it might be best to end the relationship, and that’s ok. You and your wife both deserve to be happy and fulfilled, and if you’re not going to get your needs met in this relationship, then it’s time to move on.

Himani: I 100% agree with everything Ro has said above. I also want to offer a bit of a different perspective.

First off, you say, “I just want to stop getting crushes on other people.” A part of me does wonder, what is wrong with getting crushes on other people while being in a monogamous relationship with your wife? Can you appreciate the crushes for what they are but keep your relationships within each of their current frames? Perhaps I’m missing something here but, for instance, I undeniably have some serious crushes on a few of my close friends and there’s more than one friend where I’m like, “If circumstances were different and if this person were actually into me in this way, I would totally date them and I think we would be great together.” I accept those feelings for what they are and also move on with my life. Of course, I don’t pester my friends about this and I don’t let it get in the way of my friendships or my pursuits for a romantic relationship. I’m very real with myself that I have these feelings but if I’m looking for a relationship I need to look elsewhere. This may inform some of my actions to the extent that I limit how much time I spend with some of these friends just to keep my own feelings manageable, but that’s about it. Again, I might just be missing something, but I wonder if any of this might be a useful framework for you in terms of thinking about your current situation?

Second, as I said, I do agree with Ro that if a relationship isn’t meeting yours and your wife’s needs then it is time to move on, and also that compromises in relationships can’t be completely one-sided. That said, though, I do think that all of us are susceptible to “the grass is always greener” type of thinking. The truth is, we all of us have things in our lives that we are unsatisfied about and things that don’t ever fully fulfill our needs. This is true of work and it is true of relationships as well. And sometimes the right answer is to move on and try to find something that is a better fit. But sometimes the right answer is to accept that there will always be some amount of dissatisfaction and longing that we have in our day-to-day existence because that is just the reality of being a human being with complex feelings.

Again, I want to be super clear that I’m not saying you should stay in this relationship necessarily. But I think you do need to be honest with yourself that even if you were to open up your relationship or end your relationship to build polyamorous ones with some of your crushes, that doens’t necessarily mean you’re going to every be fully “happy” or like “all your needs are being met” because those things are really quite elusive and the mind has a tricky way of wanting something more once a certain thing is met.

So, as Ro said, take your time to think this through and be really honest with yourself about what it is that is and isn’t working but also, what it is that you do and don’t want. As I said in response to an earlier question, nothing is ever permanent and there never is a single right or best decision to any choice we’re faced with. All you can do is move forward on one path and see where it takes you and have the strength and the courage to change course when it’s needed.

Kayla: This does seem like a pretty major thing to be misaligned about. Ro’s right: You can’t really magically change your wants just because…you want to. It’s possible that your ongoing compromise on this topic is affecting your relationship in ways you don’t even fully realize. Are you willing to continue putting your wants to the side here? Also, I think you want us to, like, convince you to be into monogamy, and listen, that’s not really gonna work! I do think people like monogamy for myriad reasons (I’m monogamous, and it has nothing to do with “avoiding jealousy”). But we’re not here to sell you on monogamy! It’s a choice you have to make for yourself, and if you don’t like it, that’s totally okay! But you need to figure out if staying in a relationship where you’re never going to be able to act on this want is best for you.

Q5:

Hi AS Team!I need some outside perspective: I was giving away a sewing machine for free in a local Facebook group, and a gal messaged me and said she was interested because “she and her partner were learning to sew.” I thought “GREAT! a fellow queer lady learning to sew! I, too, am learning to sew!” (I clicked on her profile to confirm, that yes she is queer). So I messaged her my address, she picked it up, and I tried to start a conversation with her through DM saying that I made something for my wife recently and sent her a long message about cheap fabric options. She didn’t respond, which makes sense I probably wouldn’t respond either to a random Facebook message from someone I just picked up a free item from. Was I being weird? Should I have been more forward and said something like “I am a queer newbie-sewer, and we both live in this tiny town, maybe we should become friends?” What would you all do in this situation? And why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?! Thanks for your queer-sage advice and your time :)

A:

Himani: I don’t think you were being weird, and I also don’t think that identifying yourself as “a queer newbie-sewer” in your town looking to make connections would have necessarily changed the response you got. It can be hard, but you need to separate this person’s response from yourself. It’s very likely they read your message and appreciated your suggestions but forgot to reply. It’s also possible that they are super swamped in their life and have no time to build new friendships. Or maybe there are things going on in their life that makes them a little wary of bringing new people into the fold, because of things they are working through or because of COVID or who even knows why.

That said, if you are looking to make friends as an adult, there are a few things you can do. I suggest checking out this essay by Molly Priddy on making adult friends, in addition to the advice box that Kayla links below.

Making friends as an adult is just a really slow and difficult process and you really and truly are not alone in this! One thing I’ve realized as I’ve tried to make friends outside of work/school connections is that these are relationships that form much more slowly because I see and connect with people less often. It’s hard, particularly when you’re feeling lonely or isolated, but unfortunately, this is just something that demands a lot of patience and persistence.

Kayla: You def didn’t do anything weird, and Himani’s right! This likely has literally nothing to do with you. It’s hard enough for a lot of folks to text back/respond to people they’re already friends with. Reply fatigue during this pandemic is REAL! You can send another message introducing yourself if you want! But also know that it might also be met with silence. And that’s okay! Maybe read some of the questions/answers from this making adult friends-themed advice box. You’re not alone! It’s hard!

Q6:

Hi A team. How do you know whether the issue in a relationship is old trauma, or just another bad relationship? I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 2 months, and I’m trying to figure out if I did the right thing. It was both of our first “real” healthy lesbian relationships. My only previous relationship was emotionally abusive — it lasted 10 years (!!!) during my adolescence. The defining feature of that relationship was that my ex love-bombed me and I felt like I had to love her or she would fall into an abyss of self-hatred, because she manipulated me into believing so. I broke up with her 3 years ago & have been trying to heal since. When I met this most recent ex, I was so excited about someone seeming to like me and being willing to have sex with me that I pursued her heavily. I focused that same must-love-you energy on this new girl because I wanted her to like me, and I guess I only know how to fulfill that sacrificial unconditional love role for people, not how to be my genuine self in a reciprocal relationship? To be clear, she never asked me to do that, but I did it and now I’m afraid that that’s the only reason she likes me (which is fair — how can you not like someone who purports to be so obsessed with you??). She was very sweet when I ended things; she said she cared about me and admired me for taking steps to figure myself out more before dating. I really like her and would like to at least be friends. How do I re-learn how to be in a relationship? How do I know whether she actually likes me for me (unlike my abusive ex), and if she says she does, how do I trust her after having been hurt so badly?

A:

Himani: First off, I’m really sorry you had that experience of relationship abuse and trauma when you were young. You’re correct in that it is very likely informing your current connections and relationships. The first thing I want to suggest is working with a therapist, if you have the means and if you’re not already doing that. And if not, see if there are peer support groups you can join and also maybe read about other people’s experiences (because, for me at least, that often helps me process my own experiences). There is, of course, Carmen Maria Machado’s memoir. This topic also came up in an A+ advicebox a while ago, and many people shared their experiences and resources they found helpful in the comments.

Second, reading between the lines of what you’re saying, it sounds like part of what you’re struggling with is believing that people can love and care about you for who you are and not for some manipulative reasons of their own. Building that kind of self confidence is incredibly difficult and something, I think, a lot of people struggle with. In my own experiences and struggles with this, I really needed to build many different types of connections to start to work through some of this and really intentionally start to recognize the ways in which my friends and my sisters love me for who I am. Yes, when I was in a relationship with someone who cared about me, that certainly helped too, but I also learned the hard way that pinning this on that relationship led to a pretty devastating blow when it ended because, as I’ve said a few times in this advice box already, nothing is permanent and there are no guarantees that anything will last. I had many incredibly dear and loving friends from before and after that relationship ended and being able to see and hold and really acknowledge that there are people in my life who opt to spend their limited time with me because of who I am was and continues to be incredibly important and valuable in building up my ability to believe that someone can love me for who I am. Because the truth is, even though I’m not in a relationship and haven’t been in one for a while now, there are plenty of people who do love me today.

The other, harder part of that, of course, is learning to build some of your own self-compassion and self-love. I’m not going to pretend to know how to do that. And I’m also not going to say that you need to have that “figured out” before you can ever enter a relationship because I do find that framework incredibly frustrating and limiting for so many of us who have struggled with different forms of abuse and trauma and who may spend our whole lives trying to love ourselves. Just because these things out of our control happened to us doesn’t mean that we don’t get to try our hand at love or that we can’t be loved or that we are incapable of building healthy loving relationships. But, I personally have found it helpful to remind myself at times when I’m really struggling that this is something I need to work on with myself, as well, outside of and in addition to my friendships or any relationship.

So much of this, unfortunately, is also about trial and error. You do, unfortunately, need to put yourself out there and date and practice being your own honest self in the context of a relationship to learn bit by bit how to see what it means for someone to love you for who you are. And this is really where, I think, working with a therapist while doing that can be incredibly helpful because you can use that space to talk about your experiences and your feelings. Even beyond therapy, just starting to open that up to talk to close friends about it can be really helpful too.

Honestly, given the many things you are working through right now, I think it may be helpful to you to take a little bit of a step back from your most recent ex to give yourself space to work on yourself. There are a lot of complicated and conflicting feelings tied up in all this and it can be hard to work through everything at once, so I suggest taking it one step at a time. Even if you take a break of, say, a few weeks or a few months, that doesn’t foreclose the potential for future friendship with this person. It sounds like you’ve already made it clear to them that you do need some time to work through some things and so I think it’s very consistent with what you’ve already conveyed to them for you to take this time for yourself before reaching out again to reconnect as friends.

The other part of this (which also something I struggle with, that I want to say is fairly common among people who have experienced some form of abuse) is that this is not and will not be your only shot at love. Take the time to work on yourself and, as I said above, experiment and try things out. You can’t and don’t know what the future may hold. Maybe after some time you will be able to reconnect with your most recent ex and rebuild something with them. Maybe you’ll meet someone else great at a time where, after enough practice, you’ll be able to really be yourself with them and trust that they do really love you for you. It’s hard, but this is a journey and a process and it’s one that people spend their entire lives on.

Q7:

Three years ago, I had a major falling out with a friend I’ll call R. Shortly after that, R moved to another country.

This spring, another friend, who we’ll call K, is getting married. R is returning to our city for the event. I had resigned myself to attending K’s wedding with R there as a fellow guest. However, I recently found out that R will be a bridesmaid, and I really, really don’t want to attend an event at which R is being, like, held up as a good friend considering the extreme distress and pain she has caused me in the past. I also just don’t really like weddings in general. I recognize that R’s friendship with K is completely separate from the friendship and conflict that I had with R and I can honour that, I just…don’t want to go to K’s wedding if R is in the wedding party.

K and I are somewhat close – in the same core friend group – but interestingly, my mood tracker app (Daylio! I recommend it) has shown that being around her has made me less happy over the past year, so my friendship with her is not one I’m prioritizing right now.

My question is: how do I not attend K’s wedding in a way that minimizes her hurt feelings? I’m thinking of planning a trip around the time of the wedding which would give me a good excuse not to go (“I’ll be out of town, so sorry I can’t be there”). But like…K knows that I could plan that trip at any time. I want to honour my own emotional needs while offending or upsetting K as little as possible. Any advice here?

A:

Ro: I don’t think you need to come up with an elaborate excuse. Presumably, K knows about whatever happened between you and R, so she would hopefully understand why you wouldn’t want to be in a space with R. There’s still a chance that K’s feelings will be hurt, but that happens sometimes when you prioritize your own needs. It doesn’t mean you’re a shitty person — it just means that what you need to do to protect yourself doesn’t align with someone else’s expectations of you.

Overall, it sounds like you just don’t like K — your mood plummets when you’re around her, you don’t dig the fact that she’s close with someone who hurt you in the past and you know that this isn’t a friendship you want to prioritize right now. You don’t have to keep hanging out with this person. So if you want to clearly and completely end your friendship with K, that’s ok. Life is too short to spend time with people who don’t support our mental health.

Kayla: It’s perfectly reasonable to just RSVP that you’re not coming to the wedding — you don’t need to give a reason or excuse, especially because this is not someone you’re super close with. K probably has a million things going on in terms of planning a wedding — she’s not gonna get caught up on this imo!

Q8:

What do you do when you’re absolutely not interested in having sex with another human being, but not because you’re ace? My partner and I don’t have sex anymore because actual sex is very unpleasant for me. I spent a lot of my young adulthood watching and masturbating to lesbian pornography but I find any sex that involves my actual body repulsive. I should probably just go to therapy, but do you have any advice for this? I’ve been married to my husband (trans man) for six years and we’ve had sex once this year. I just don’t want to deal with sex anymore. I don’t want to deal with the gross feeling of my skin touching skin, I don’t want to deal with the gross feeling of being wet, I don’t want to deal with any of it.

A:

Ro: I think you’re right that you could really benefit from therapy. Sex can bring up a lot of tough stuff, and it’s a good idea to work with a mental health professional who can help you safely investigate the feelings you’re having.

In the meantime, here are some questions you can ask yourself and journal about:
-Do I want to be interested in sex (now or in the future)? If so, why?
-Am I sexually attracted to my husband? If not, was I ever sexually attracted to my husband? -Am I sexually attracted to people who are not my husband?
-Have I ever enjoyed sex with other people? If so, when did I stop enjoying sex?
-Do I feel shame around sex?
-When I imagine a happy relationship with my husband, does that relationship include sex?
-Is my partner pressuring me to have sex?
-If I want to work towards enjoying sex, are there specific ways that my husband can support me through that process?
-If I want to work towards enjoying sex, are there specific ways that I can support my husband in fulfilling their sexual needs in the meantime?

I’m not a therapist, but to me, the feelings you’re describing (being grossed out by specific physical sensations) sound like sensory processing issues, which are common in neurodivergent folks. This is something I deal with outside of sex — I have a tough time with the texture of certain foods and some fabrics. If you speak to a therapist and it turns out that’s what you’re dealing with, there are plenty of ways to enjoy sex with yourself and with others that don’t involve contact with bodily fluids or skin-to-skin contact, like mutual masturbation, wearing latex or nitrile gloves, using a sex toy on yourself or on a partner (directly on genitals or over underwear or clothes), grinding while wearing underwear or clothes, etc. It might take some experimenting to figure out which methods work for you.

Q9:

Hi Autostraddle Team,

This e-mail is a long time coming. My monogamous partner and I linked up right as the pandemic started, and ran the predictable and joyful gamut of moving in together, adopting a dog, and simultaneously attending online grad school. I love them dearly. I also feel as though we are fast approaching a calamitous and devastating end that neither of us want, because of their jealousy.

At the beginning of quarantine, we spent idyllic days inside and communicated with our outside friends from a safe distance. As things have begun to open up these past six months (and I went back to in person Art school), I’ve begun to make the queer friends of my dreams, and my partner has lost their mind. I saw hints of this during Q (limits on who I could Zoom with from school, burning silent treatments when I wanted to go on walks with friends instead of nights in with them, etc.) It’s much worse now. I feel like there are landmines around my beautiful new, happy friendships.

My partner has deep abandonment trauma issues, and I’ve been patient, but I am at my limit.

I am not asking you for advice on whether I should break up with them or not (only I can decide that). What I am asking you is: is it possible to recover from a great love who didn’t concretely cheat on you, harm you, or move away? I’m scared of so many things (having to explain to my baffled world of friends and family that it ended, being the breaker-upper, but still being devastated, aching, ponderous regret), but what I am most scared of is not being able to come back from this one, when they’re still around.

A:

Ro: Your partner is harming you by isolating you from your friends. Giving a partner the silent treatment because they went on a walk with a friend is absolutely not ok, and I sincerely hope you’ll end this relationship.

Breaking up is scary, and it’s even worse when your partner has become your whole world. It sounds like dating during a pandemic + living together + working from home together + your partner’s possessive behavior has made it hard for you to imagine your life without this relationship. But you write that you have the “queer friends of my dreams.” They’re going to be there for you and you’re going to be ok!

Autostraddle writers Drew and Christina have a podcast called, “Wait, Is This A Date?” and I was on a guest on this episode about breakups. If you need to hear three queer folks chat for an hour about how breakups are liberating and great, then give this a listen!

Himani: Seconding Ro that this person is absolutely and undeniably harming you. There is no single thing that harm looks like and sometimes I think we deny the reality of our experiences and our emotional pain because we are so committed to narrow definitions oftrauma, abuse or harm. Also, I know many people have said this before and many people will say this again, but I’m here to tell you – as a person who also really deeply struggles with abandonment – your partner’s abandonment issues are not your responsibility. Are there things you can do in terms of how you break up with this partner that acknowledges their own trauma and struggles? Absolutely. But beyond choosing your words carefully, this is really not on you. And the last point I want to make is that there’s nothing that says that the person who ends a relationship isn’t hurt by the relationship ending. Sure, breakups can be liberating and great as Ro says (and admittedly, I have not listened to the podcast episode they link), but just because you’re ending something doesn’t mean you won’t experience your own feelings of loss and sorrow around it. An ending is an ending, even if you are the one to instigate it, and endings can be hard.

I have two general pieces of advice I want to offer you: center yourself and allow yourself to feel your feelings. No matter the circumstances or what privileges you might hold or anything else, you are always allowed to your feelings.

Q10:

I’m a divorced lesbian in my early thirties (first marriage and divorce was to another woman fwiw) who has lived with my gf for about four years, including moving for her job, trips, holidays together, etc. She’s recently started asking me more about the future, talking about rings, and even asking my ring size. She knows I’m divorced and basics about my last relationship but not deep details (which is fine for me too). Anyway, in my first marriage, we got engaged and married pretty fast, and were in DEEP and intense from the start. This relationship has been slower and less intense (also with less plunges into bad periods, etc). We’re stable and our relationship feels safe, but for some reason, the thought of getting engaged or married again makes me feel really nervous and in a way, guilty or undeserving. Can anyone relate to this at all? Am I nuts?? Should it be a red flag to me that I’m not 10000% excited at the thought, like I was in my first engagement?

A:

Nicole: I think that there were a lot of really great questions that Meg and Vanessa asked another letter writer who was considering marriage with their partner in the last advice box that might be helpful to look at. So, first, I can only tell so much from a letter on the internet, and I am going to do something we in the A+ Advice Box always do, and suggest therapy! The reason I am suggesting this specifically, here, is that uncertainty in a relationship can heighten all the feelings. I noticed that you mentioned that there were fewer plunges into bad periods in your current relationship than in the one you were in prior, which is a good sign, but also may be one of the things that is not giving you the feelings you may associate with a passionate relationship. A kind of misleading but very real sign that a long-term partnership is at least safe and relatively healthy, is that you are not in flight or fight mode often, and therefore, the emotions that characterize this relationship will seem more even and steady than in other relationships where there were more ups and downs. I think a therapist might be able to help you unpack whether it is that you aren’t excited about this relationship in a bad way, or if you are just comparing it to a relationship that maybe had — I don’t want to say drama, but maybe just something that made you feel like you were working harder for it to work.

NOW, on the complete other end of the spectrum, it is good that you are asking yourself whether you want this, whether you are excited about getting married. Because, to be perfectly honest, if the idea of getting married does not make you happy, then I think you can give yourself permission to not pursue it at this time, and to, of course, have an honest and caring conversation with your partner about it. I think it would be a good idea to process this elsewhere, as your girlfriend sounds like she might be disappointed if that’s the case, but if you wind up being sure of this, then it’s a conversation you two need to have.

Finally, you mention that you feel guilty or undeserving. If this is guilt about getting married again, boy, yes, do I feel that, especially when I consider inviting people to another wedding or telling them I’m getting married again!? (I’m not engaged or anything, just wondering what would happen.) I just picture them all being like “Again!? Geeze, give someone else a chance.” Which may or may not be realistic! And also is kind of irrelevent as long as you aren’t putting a lot of pressure on family and friends around a wedding. So I want you to consider, if the nerves are more about what it might mean to have a ceremony or party again and having to explain yourself, talking that out with a therapist or friend and try to figure out where those nerves are coming from, and what you can do to let go of that guilt. You are a person. You deserve to try and do what is right for you, and if that thing is getting married again, then I hope you will be able to walk into that decision without hangups from whatever other people might think about that.

And above all, once you’ve done some thinking and talking and sorting on your end, I really advise keeping your girlfriend in the loop! Maybe she has anxieties, too, even if she seems excited about the prospect of marriage, and you two can talk them through together.

Q11:

I already have a hard time with sex because I worry a lot about having the “Right Reaction,” something my gf has gently pointed out is Not A Real Thing but inhabits my mind nonetheless. I know you’re Supposed To masturbate to figure out What You Like but 1) difficult to get into when you have roommates and your room is about 10 feet from a busy sidewalk 2) my head still gets in the way! How can I figure this shit out if my smooth noggin won’t let me? The only direction I have is I *think* I like the idea of being penetrated but when we tried a strap I, uh, bled. It was very funny tbh but I think it would be helpful for me to have more data points before we whip out any Equipment again.

I don’t get like, Unbearably Horny but am also not repulsed by the idea of sex – sometimes I wonder if this is stuff leftover or still in action from step 1 on my Orientation Journey, aka identifying as ace for several years. Anyway, help, tell me how to go fuck myself so I can pass on the knowledge to my gf. Thanks!

A:

Ro: It makes sense that you’re struggling to get in the right headspace for masturbation — privacy is important! What I had roommates, I either A) waited to masturbate when no one was home or B) played music and turned on a fan or white noise machine so I could be absolutely sure that no one could hear me or my sex toys. Regarding the busy sidewalk outside your window, try hanging some blackout curtains over your blinds for visual privacy and remember that those people probably can’t hear you (if you need to convince yourself of that, put on music or a movie at a decent volume in your room and then stand outside your apartment to see if you can hear it). Once you feel like you actually have some privacy, take time to experiment with different sensations, positions and toys.

Regarding quieting your mind during partnered sex, here are two strategies that have worked for me:
1. Play music — that will give you something to focus on other than the voice in your head
2. Engage in some verbal role play — when you’re talking and listening, you’re less likely to spiral.

And regarding the strap-on sex issue — you shouldn’t bleed from penetration. Here are a few things to investigate:

1. Are you only bleeding when you use this toy, or do you also bleed from penetration with fingers? If the toy is the only culprit, you’re either not using enough lube or you’re using a toy that’s too big for you or both. A smaller, well-lubricated dildo might be what your body needs.
2. Is your toy made out of a smooth, body-safe material? If not, find a smoother silicone option. Some dildos have texture for added stimulation, but some bodies find bumps and ridges irritating.
3. Are you able to comfortably penetrate yourself with a toy or with fingers without pain or bleeding? If so, you might need to give your partner more information about the angles and pressure that works for your body.
4. If you’re bleeding during or after vaginal penetration and you’re a person who menstruates, you could be experiencing breakthrough bleeding between periods. If you think that might be the case, see a gynecologist who can assess your reproductive health.
5. If you’re bleeding during or after anal penetration, you might have hemorroids, which usually aren’t a big deal, but there are other more serious anal injuries and GI conditions that can cause bleeding. See a doctor who can help you figure out what’s going on, and in the meantime, take a break from anal penetration in case you’re injured.

Q12:

I’ve been on the extreme end of femme my whole adult style life, and then did the covid head-shave thing and am taking the opportunity to play around more with gender expression. The problem is that while I really want to have a blast rolling around in a new wardrobe, I am not into the idea of purchasing a bunch of new fast fashion stuff that I possibly won’t wear outside of this one period of my life. So, my question – could you recommend a pair of bad-ass statement sneakers? Something that says “I’ve got hip androgynous style on lock, but I am also soooo style-aware that I’m not just wearing what everyone else is wearing.” (I’m 32 though so not TOO hip ahaha) I know literally nothing about the world of non-heels, but it seems like a good option for one splurgy purchase, and would take everything else I thrift to the next level. Thoughts? Prayers? :)

A:

Kayla: I love platform sneakers like these, these, and these (technically those last ones are platform oxfords, but they’re a cool option for if you want Docs but not the same style everyone else has). Also, can’t really go wrong with high tops!

Q13:

hi, how do I get over the one who got away? I have this massive crush on a friend that I decided not to act on because I didnt want to get hurt and I didnt want to ruin our friendship. We had a long flirty situation going on. Then, in a move I cannot understand myself, in the middle of this flirtation I decided to hook up with my crush’s best friend (which resulted in one of the most humiliating sexual experiences of my life) in an act of self-sabotage to ensure I would never actually do anything with said crush, who I refused to be vulnerable with even though I knew we had potential but I often cannot believe people reciprocate my feelings, and also I actually thought it was a healthy decision not jump into a change in our relationship that I might regret. I really dont want to lose that friend. now I see that sleeping with his friend was not the healthiest reaction either.. fast forward to a few months later, this crush has clearly moved on and gently friendzoned me, I would say? but he still asked me why I slept with his best friend to which I honestly but kind of weirdly quickly replied “because I actually wanted to sleep with you but you were not there”. when I later asked my crush what I could do that would make him leave me he said “sleep with my best friend”. I think he’s hurt af about what I did, always talks about other girls he fancies to me and I am torn up by desire and jealousy and I want to tell him I love him and want to be with him but also, I am ashamed for what I did and I think he’s hurt but I’m not sure how to approach this since we dont like talking about our feelings and he has crushes on others….

A:

Himani: Oof, this is a hard situation, and I’m sorry this happened. My best advice for you is to take a bit of a break from this friendship, for both of your sakes, and spend some time working on yourself. As I’ve said above, this is not and will not be your one and only shot at love. But I think you need to take some time with yourself (and, if you have the means and aren’t already doing it with a therapist) to further unpack some of your actions here. I also think you need to forgive yourself before you can even attempt to seek forgiveness from your friend. Yeah, you did something that really hurt someone you cared about, and it sounds like you also really deeply hurt yourself in the process, and overall you regret your decisions. This is something we all do. But we need to take these opportunities to understand ourselves better and understand what led us to do these things and figure out how we can grow from what happened.

If you decide to follow through on my advice, you probably don’t want your friend to think you’re cutting him off, so I think you can approach him and say something to the extent of, “I know I really hurt you when I slept with your best friend, and I am really sorry. But I also realize that I need to spend some time understanding myself better and unpacking my own behavior. I want to remain friends, but I need a little space right now.”

As I’ve said above, nothing is permanent. Take some time and space to process your feelings and work on yourself. It’s anybody’s guess what the future may hold for you and your friend, either together or separately. And as I said at the beginning of this reply, I promise you this will not be your one and only shot at love, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.

Kayla: I think you might have to accept that this friend might not want to date you. I’ve self-sabotaged in this exact way before, and there’s kinda nothing you can really do about it except move forward. I think forgiving yourself is a great step! And I think taking some space is a great step, too. It’s possible that your feelings are heightened by the very fact that you never got to the stage of actually being involved with your crush. You’re mourning the potential, and that can be intense! Maybe stepping back a bit will ease some of these feelings.

Q14:

It’s almost 5 months since I broke up with my girlfriend of just over two years. Since being apart it’s clear that I had been living with a narcissist: the rages, gaslighting, critical to the point of humiliating me were only some of the signs. If I tried to stick up for myself, she would push the blame back to me and, inevitably, I would apologise for my wrong doing and for not being sensitive to her needs.

We moved to Mexico together, (I’m English and my ex is Mexican) but I couldn’t control my own life and what had been an exciting sex life dwindled to once a month and for the last six months nothing.

She said she had a lot on her mind, and that I needed to be patient, that she wasn’t interested in sex. However, each night, she’d wait until I was asleep, or so she thought, and she would masturbate. I tried to tell her that I was happy with that and that she didn’t have to wait until I was asleep to masturbate since it was hot for me to be present. However, we never got to talk about it: she just flew into rages, cold shouldered me for the rest of the day and gaslighted me telling me that I was imagining things and that she never did that. So after six months of sleepless nights, her lies and feeling used and useless, I moved back to Italy

My problem is that now, whenever I want to masturbate, I get flash backs of her masturbating, and it just kills my libido and orgasm. How do I get her out of my head? BTW I’m crushing on someone but we’ve only exchanged e mails, talking about art and music. This has helped me to not think about my ex during the day, but she’s still controlling my self love and orgasm.

A:

Kayla: It’s great that you’re talking to someone new, but I would like to gently suggest you don’t make that new person an escape hatch. It’s great to have someone new to focus on, but it could affect the dynamic between the two of you if she’s your primary way of not thinking about your ex. That’s a lot to put on another person. So make sure you also find strategies that work even when you take that new person out of the equation. When masturbating, try listening to music or watching porn to give your brain something to do. It might not immediately prevent flashbacks, but it at least gives your brain something else to do. And I know this is annoying advice, but time will likely help! Five months is honestly not that long, especially since the relationship involved gaslighting, which has lasting effects.

Q15:

I have a parent question. My kid is 14 years old. We live in a community (a house with 8 flatmates) intentionally without cis men – except for him. (He regularly spends time with his father, grandfather and uncle.) Sometimes i worry that the queer feminist spaces i choose to surround myself with make it difficult for him to feel at ease with his own gender identity. If we watch a movie with some sexist stuff in it, for example, of couse everyone goes “that’s sexist bullshit, how typical” and i hear myself saying “but not all men….!!!” to show him that it’s possible to be “one of the good guys” – and sometimes i wish my flatmates would consider his feelings a bit more – but i also dont want to regulate their anger – and i dont think cis men need to be coddled – but he is a teenager and also my kid… do you know what i mean? And sometimes i feel quite disconnected from him. That’s also because of puberty, i guess. But as stupid as it sounds, i sometimes feel as if he “becomes the enemy” as he grows older. Then i feel bad about that and overcompensate by telling him that i will always love him. Out of nowhere! Quite often! Its weird! And society and patriarchy are not his fault. But he’s part of it. And he doesn’t do the dishes! But that’s normal, because he’s a kid! And i would like to be 100% misandrist, but i love my son :) It’s tough. Any advice on how to reconcile that?

A:

Himani: I am not a parent and have no plans on being one, but I’m going to do my best to share some of my thoughts on this topic. In some ways I can relate because I had similar sorts of feelings when some people close to me had kids who are (currently, at least – they are all quite young) identified as boys. I also, to some extent, have struggled with the idea of really being able to love and accept many of my close friends’ and sisters’ partners, who are men. You’re correct, your son is not responsible for society and patriarchy, and he is an individual who will act within our current world in his own ways. As a parent, you get to shape some of that by what you expose him to and the ways in which you raise him to think about his place in a deeply unfair world.

I don’t mean this in a “not all men” way because I think that framework denies the reality of patriarchy, but it’s important to hold that plenty of women also uphold patriarchy, commit abuse and harm other women and non-binary people. Does that change that structurally they are at a disadvantage as compared to the cis men of the world? No, it does not. But denying this reality also causes a lot of people a lot of pain. (For instance, I linked in my reply earlier a discussion in the comments of the A+ box among people who had been abused by women and one of the themes of that discussion was the painful denial of their experiences because their abusers were women.)

I don’t think you can or should regulate your flatmates’ anger, but I think you could try having honest conversations with your son about it, privately and after the fact. It seems like he’s old enough now for you to start discussing some of the larger structural issues at play in society that your friends are calling out and why your friends make a point of calling it out in media the way they do – and, similarly, why you intentionally live in a community without cis men, except for your son. And in that conversation, I think you can also let him know that you do love him for who he is and that individuals do get to make some of their own choices of how to behave, even in a deeply flawed, structurally unfair society.

One last point I want to touch on is this: “I would like to be 100% misandrist.” I have believed this and thought about it and felt it for a long time. And then the other day (very late to the game, I know), I read this incredible essay on gender by A.E. Osworth. I don’t have a very clear or specific or coherent point to share with you on this, other than this essay really forced me to consider the ways in which my strongly negative associations with masculinity may veer into (let’s be honest and call it what it for what it is) transphobia. I know that this is not what your question is about at all, and maybe what I’m sharing is incredibly obvious to you, but it may be helpful to read a little more and think a little more broadly about gender and masculinity. It may or may not help you work through some of the things you’re struggling with in terms of being able to fully love your son and be mindful of his young feelings in the context of a deeply misogynist world.

Nicole: Himani mentioned something I just want to reiterate, here. It is true that he is a boy, as far as you know, living and growing up in a patriarchal society, and that society has and will continue to try and put things on him, and he may make some harmful decisions and likely already has. However, at the end of the day, very similar things are happening to each of us, as we are, in essence, groomed every day in ways large and small to play out roles in systems of oppression. People who are not cis men are not exempt from this. It is our ongoing responsibility to resist and reprogram ourselves in response to the ways our world shapes us to be harmful, and I am sure that you are likely giving him tools to do that, to think critically, to ask questions, to be empathetic, to seek out perspectives that do not just validate his own worldview but that challenge or expand it — as much as you can (though of course his being a teenager is likely its own wild adventure). And, though I don’t have kids, my understanding is that the tools you give them are where it’s at, are the things they take with them as they navigate the world. Does this necessarily mean ease with gender identity while in your queer community? I don’t know, but maybe that is not the goal? Should that be a goal for cis men? Maybe they should sit with some discomfort, because he can’t just inherently be “one of the good ones.” No one really is. You have to continuously make good choices, and his decision-making should probably be grounded in understanding his privilege, which may cause some discomfort he needs to sit with. (And as you say, cis men don’t need to be coddled about this.) Maybe the goal, though, is for the kid to feel safe? To feel like he is at home when he is with you? Maybe part of the goal is in knowing that you and your community will hold him accountable when he is present and that he will also feel loved even when you do? Which takes me to the next paragraph!

As for your fellow community members, have you considered just asking them the same exact question as you’ve asked here? Maybe starting one-on-one with folks? I feel like they would value the opportunity to have a deeper talk with you about how you’re feeling and also about more everyday things like how to hold your teenage kid accountable for doing his dishes! Sending love to you and your kid and hoping that more members with kids will join in the comments!

Q16:

Do any of you have tips on where to look for suits? I have a couple weddings coming up next year, and I’d like to find something unique and androgynous to wear. I’m not opposed to investing a couple hundred bucks on a quality outfit that will last years, but I have no idea where to look. Any tips?

A:

Kayla: A couple hundred bucks can def get you a good suit, but if you want something that’s really going to last and isn’t from a fast-fashion brand, you’re looking at closer to $400+. If you want to take it to the next level, you could go full custom with an option like Sharpe Suiting or Bindle & Keep but custom suiting runs you more like $800+. The other option is to get a more mid-priced suit and then have it tailored. Wildfang has some patterned sets (you have to buy all the pieces separately, but that creates some mix and match opportunities!). If you’re not quite ready to commit, you can look into Rent the Runway. That way, you can figure out a fit/style you like and use that information when looking to buy something. You can definitely go cheaper with brands like ASOS, Express, etc., (under $200) but the materials/fabrics will be like rayon/polyester/nylon/spandex, and those are not super breathable or long lasting, so just keep that in mind. Wool suits, velvet suits, and linen suits are all my personal favs. All depends on the look you want and also price point! Anyway, hope this is at least enough to get you started!

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