Welcome to the 48th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed. This month’s theme is HOLIGAY QUESTIONS! Let us help you pick a celebratory outfit, narrow down the perfect last-minute gift, cope with an annoying family dynamic. Is it related to this time of year? We’d love to hear your question! Please get your questions in by Monday, December 6, 2021! The general Into the A+ Advice Box (like this one!) where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month.

So, let’s dig in!

Q1:

Hello! This is for the fears and anxieties advice box!
I have been dating my partner for 4+ years now and we’ve lived together for 2 years. It has been a wild and rough time through the pandemic for both of us but we’re making it through, we love each other and we’re doing our best to support each other! But aaaah she really wants to get married, and I am kind of TERRIFIED of the whole wedding/marriage situation! When I break it down into pieces, I know that I want the legal shit that goes with it – I want to be there for her in a hospital situation etc if she needs me, and vice versa. But when I was acknowledging my own queerness gay marriage wasn’t even legal and I am one of Those Queers who threw away any interest in the concept all together. I have been coming to terms with my own agender-ness over the last couple years or so (or the last… forever) and just thinking about a WEDDING is bringing up all these anxieties about what kinds of expectations people will have, and what it will mean to have these labels put on me (like “wife,” ugh.) It’s a lot. I’m also a big introvert and do not see the allure of having to plan and put together a big celebration that involves managing a lot of other people’s feelings. So on a basic paperwork level I am like, yeah sure whatever we can get married because that will enable us to take care of each other, and you are definitely My Person so why not? But on a personal level I am like… all these Wedding things sound terrible and I don’t want any of them! But she does! Help?

A:

Meg: This is very real and understandable! I would love to gently and lovingly point out that you are talking about two different things here: the concept of marriage as a legally binding commitment, and the event of a wedding. These things to do not have to go to together if you don’t want them to! You mention at the beginning of your question that your partner wants to get married, and that you aren’t opposed to the concept of marriage — and to me, that’s actually a much more important piece of this issue than the wedding itself. Weddings can be anything you want them to be, from a simple courthouse situation to a small Zoom ceremony to a big party with everyone you’ve ever met. The event itself can be whatever you want, even if that’s a quiet paperwork signature that you do on a random weekday and don’t tell anybody about. Is your partner really into the idea of the wedding itself? I would encourage you to talk to them in the same way that you wrote in this question, and be honest about what you want from a marriage versus a wedding. I think there are solutions here that you can find with your person if you open up the lines of communication and let them know exactly what is stressing you out and what is exciting you about the idea of getting married. Good luck, you’ve got this!

Vanessa: I wholeheartedly agree with Meg’s advice here. I think the key part of the question here (in my opinion) comes at the very end when you say “…all these Wedding things sound terrible and I don’t want any of them! But she does!” Like Meg said, a legal marriage and a wedding party are two separate things, and I guess I’m curious if your partner wants Both or very much wants A Big Wedding Party or if there is some wiggle room about what kind of celebration could go along with the legal documentation of your future marriage. If your person really wants a huge wedding and you really don’t, that’s something you’re going to have to sit down and hash out. I absolutely don’t think it’s a dealbreaker — I actually think it’s one of the few big relationship disagreements that could totally work out with some compromise on both sides, unlike for example having kids where you’re really either having them or not, for example lol — but I do think you need to both be super transparent about what you’re wanting and what you’re willing to take on/give up for each other around this specific event. I also want to validate that a lot of your anxieties and fears about the concept of marriage are very understandable, and you can ask your partner to listen and empathize with you as you sort through your feelings. This is a great opportunity to get on the same page about what you both actually are looking for out of a marriage. Co-signing Meg again to say — you’ve got this!

Q2:

for fears & anxieties theme – I haven’t been to the doctor since I was 17 (I am 23 now), and going to get a check up feels like an insurmountable anxiety and dysphoria inducing nightmare. last time they couldn’t get a good “resting” blood pressure or heart beat measurement bc I was panicking the whole time. now that I am vaxxed & have health insurance from my new job and am not moving around due to collage anymore it logically seems like now is the time but it feels so impossible. also I am non binary and am hypothetically considering medical transition ~one day~ except that medical anything is very scary.
so any advice for forcing yourself to do a thing in general or specific advice to make a doctor’s appt less stressful would be appreciated!

A:

Ro: You’re not alone in this experience — I used to experience pretty severe medical anxiety, and many, MANY others are in the same boat. I hope you’re proud of yourself for taking the first step towards getting medical care.

 Before I share tips on how to make this experience easier, I think it’s important to acknowledge a hard truth: some doctors are truly horrible. They don’t take their patients’ symptoms seriously or they talk down to their patients or they do something else that harms their patients’ well-being. You might encounter doctors who are less than helpful, BUT you can: 1. Do some research in advance to find a doctor who’s right for you and 2. Learn how to advocate for yourself if you end up seeing someone who isn’t treating you and your health with respect. Here are some ways to set yourself up for success:

-Some cities have health clinics that specifically serve LGBTQ+ people, so if you have one of those near you and they take your insurance, go there. The staff will be informed about the specific needs of queer and trans people (and many of them will probably be queer and trans themselves).

-If your area doesn’t have an LGBTQ+ health clinic, ask other LGBTQ+ people in your area if they know of any queer-informed and trans-informed practioners.

-Bring a friend to your appointment. Sometimes it helps to have another person there who can advocate for your needs and take notes.

-Write down all of the questions you have before the appointment. That way, you won’t forget to ask about something important if you get overwhelmed.

-If you feel comfortable doing so, tell the nurses and doctors you’re seeing about your medical anxiety. They might be able to calm some of your fears.

-If a nurse or your doctor doesn’t ask for your name and pronouns, make sure your doctor knows your name and pronouns right away. If your paperwork didn’t have a spot for your name and pronouns, ask your doctor to add that information to your chart.

Vanessa: Ugh, as always, Ro has such wonderful advice. I want to validate that they are correct, many people in our community have major medical anxiety, and also sadly concur that it’s not entirely unfounded. Some health care professionals are terrible. I don’t know about you, but acknowledging when my anxiety is coming from a place of genuine potential truth and acting as a barrier to try to keep me safe is helpful and soothing for my brain, and often plays a role in working through the inhibiting aspect of whatever that anxiety is, so I hope that maybe fact checking that you have the right to feel anxious about this can be a first step in going to the doctor anyway. You should be really proud of yourself for working through this. Ro’s concrete tips are all spot on, and I can just say that my #1 tool is always bringing a friend with me. There have been times I thought an appointment would be routine and it turns out it isn’t, or I thought a doctor would be understanding and they weren’t, and at this point it’s just a comfort to have someone who loves me and has my back in the room with a person who may or may not be a stranger. If you’re unable to bring your friend into the actual exam room (or even the waiting room — I know some offices are being more cautious about +1s because of Covid, which I understand) even just having a friend travel to the appointment with you and be present afterward to help ground you and decompress can be a huge game changer. I’m wishing you good luck and positive experiences!

Valerie Anne: Ro and Vanessa gave amazing advice for things to do, and I’ll be taking some of this advice myself since I also have a lot of anxieties about the doctor and don’t go nearly as often as I should. (For some reason “bring a friend” simply never occurred to me?? But is brilliant???) One thing that helps me in my own self-talk about going to the doctor is reminding myself that I don’t have to marry this doctor. It took me a long time to realize that I can say “no” to things like follow-up appointments or tests if the first experience is bad. So I try to go into my first appointment with a new doctor as if I’m the one auditioning them to be my new doctor, and it helps me feel like I’m in more control and helps me convince myself to actually show up to the appointment.

Q3:

Hi A+ team!
CW: Anxiety and abuse?
I’m returning after 4 years to your advice box. I originally wrote about how I was dating a newly out girl and how we didn’t have any sexual chemistry in contrast to my camp crush who gave me “burn me like the witch I am vibes.” Remember me? Well, here I am 4 years later, and I am sorry to say I did not pick the camp crush.

I finally broke it off two months ago with said partner and moved out to start my MFA. However, time is a fickle thing, and I am coming to terms with the fact that I may have been in an emotionally abusive relationship.

From convincing me to not start T because “it seemed like it was about something else” (even though I was so excited and had extensively researched) to gaslighting me (saying I had never put the work in (even after exclusively talking about how to be a better partner in therapy and bringing up couples counseling)), our relationship seemed to center around continuing a narrative about who I was and what our relationship should be.

The more I think about it, the more it rears its ugly head…yet I am terrified. I’m so worried I have made this all up and that I am the one who is being dramatic here. I’m relieved to begin to feel like maybe things really weren’t ok and so anxious because I want to keep her as far away from me as possible. I am willing to never see our dog we co-own together again if that means I don’t have to deal with her.

How can one function when you just opened pandora’s box and are still reeling from the initial waves of shock? When will I stop asking myself if I was imagining everything?
-Burn me like the witch I am

A:

Ro: I’m so sorry that you had to go through that experience. I can’t tell you exactly when you’ll stop asking yourself if you were imagining things, but here are two things that were helpful for me after I got out of an unhealthy relationship:

1. I saw a therapist. It was extremely helpful to have an outside party validate my experiences, and talking through what happened helped me release some of the memories I kept replaying in my mind.

2. I talked to friends who were in my life while I was in that relationship. They helped me remember things I spoke to them about while I was still dating my ex. Having additional perspectives made the shitty things that happened in that relationship feel more real to me.

Vanessa: I am also so sorry to hear about your experience. It can be so painful to break up at the best of times, and when you take space from the relationship and start to realize the potentially toxic dynamics at play that were hard to see when you were inside the couple it can really mess with your head extra hard. I also suggest therapy as the #1 move here because ultimately you want to focus on your healing and your future behaviors in relationship, so working with a professional who can help you feel grounded in your reality and confident in your inner compass will be invaluable. When I was in a similar situation to what you’re describing the worst part was feeling as though I couldn’t trust my internal compass anymore; I felt so stupid, like I was broken, like I had let all these bad things happen to me. But that wasn’t true — I wasn’t stupid, I wasn’t broken, and I didn’t “let” things happen to me — they happened, and it wasn’t my fault, but there were concrete things I could learn to make sure I never let anyone cross my boundaries (and never let myself cross my own boundaries) again in the future. I genuinely could not have done this work without therapy and I am still working on it with my therapist today! I’m also glad to hear you bring up the idea of no-contact, because I do think that is the most helpful move in any breakup, particularly if there has been abuse. I’m so sorry you will have to give up your dog — but I’m proud of you for recognizing that you want this person far away from you. You get to decide that. You are already moving forward — you are enacting a strong boundary to keep yourself safe. You’ll get through this by continuing to practice that. It might take a long time. But you can do it. <3

Nicole: I am so sorry as well! I have to also vouch for no contact in a gaslighting situation just because it can be really hard to process if that person is still able to have access to you. Also, I think I’ve said this in an advice box before, but an exercise I found that was really grounding in dealing with gaslighting was making a spreadsheet. (You can use Google Sheets for this if you don’t have Excel, or a journal or just two columns in a word doc or whatever is easiest.)  When I did it, I input as much as I could remember about what the other person did or said in one column. I color coded things that were positive, things that were negative and things that were neutral that I remembered. I tried to include positive things the person had done for me or in the relationship as well as negative things or thing that puzzled me or that we “remembered” differently. In the column next to each of things, I put the way I perceived or remembered things. I put negative things I had done as well as positive things and a lot of notes. What resulted was one column where I put what the other person had said and done, and one column for my notes and take on each situation and then the exact same thing with things I had said and done. Over the course of the spreadsheet, the dynamic became more clear and I was able to stop questioning myself about what was real. I could just reference the spreadsheet.

Also, instead, maybe it would be helpful to write yourself your own account in a narrative format. Then, you can read it back, fix it, add to it, until you have something to reflect your reality back at you — because the thing about gaslighting is that the other person withholds reflecting your reality back at you. Sometimes they substitute other things. Sometimes they deny it entirely. So, I think a helpful independent exercise, whatever your medium, is to construct your own reality in something that is more tangible, as a way to have something to reference whenever you feel like you want to question yourself. Over time, the idea is that this part of you quiets down, and you are more at peace and confident in your reality. Also, you don’t have to do this at all! It’s just an option.

And of course, I also endorse therapy and talking to your friends. I am also just so sorry about the dynamic with your dog. I am sending you and the dog so much love, no matter what choice you have to make.

Q4:

My tl;dr is how can I feel more chill about people using drugs? Also CW: rape! This also might be too dark and specific, which is fine!!

I’m currently doing a series of anti-oppressive workshops to become an active listening volunteer, which is great!! Our last workshop was harm reduction and I realized that truly treating substance use as normal, and working to increase the pleasure and well-being of people who use drugs, brought up some weird stuff for me. I was raised to think of drugs as morally bad (e.g. “Why would you want to do that???” etc.) and wildly dangerous, as many of us were. I’m unlearning those things, but in the meantime, I’m pretty scared of the idea of messing with my own consciousness AND I was raped by someone who used substances pretty heavily. While I was waiting for my case to be deliberated, my fear of this person was amplified by the sense that his inhibitions or mindset might be influenced by drugs and cause him to seek retaliative violence in ways he otherwise wouldn’t. (To be clear, he was also facing violent domestic abuse charges from another woman, so I don’t think drugs MAKE you violent.)

I have friends that I’m pretty sure don’t tell me about their drug use because they have the sense that I’ll jump into judgement or Concern mode. I don’t want to be that way, but I also have pretty deep uneasiness around this issue that I don’t know what to do with. Any thoughts appreciated xoxoxox Autostraddle is the best <3

A:

Abeni: Alcohol and hard drug use ruined multiple lives of my immediate family members. Their substance abuse caused lasting trauma to me and many others. I was also an alcoholic for many years (well, I guess I’ll always be an addict or whatever, but I no longer abuse it). I say that all to explain why, in my opinion, substance use is normalized, but substance abuse is unhealthy and your goal might be to do your best to differentiate between the two.

That doesn’t mean you can’t have empathy and encourage harm reduction with people who abuse substances, but it also doesn’t mean your negative feelings about substance use are invalid. Substance abuse might not be morally bad – people might be coping with trauma, or have inherited an addiction, or have no other reasonably accessible outlet for their feelings, etc. – but it very much can be and often is dangerous. I don’t think you have to unlearn a healthy skepticism and/or fear of substance use. What our culture has to unlearn is projecting stigma and shaming onto people who use substances.

Now, I made a distinction between use and abuse. The line is different for everyone. You’re right that drugs don’t cause violence. But they can facilitate it. In some people’s view, using hard drugs or binge drinking is violence to one’s body. If someone uses substances and while doing so they regularly harm themselves or others, it’s likely abuse and is a problem. I think harm reduction means being clear about this truth.

Now, I also made a distinction between substance abuse being “normal” and being “normalized.” Most adults use substances, whether that’s going out to the bar a couple times a week or smoking weed at night to help with sleep (me, for example). But that doesn’t mean it’s healthy – a lot of very unhealthy behaviors are normalized in our society. It’s probably not healthy to drink multiple alcoholic drinks multiple times a week, to smoke weed every day, or to do drugs every weekend, even though it’s “normal.” That doesn’t mean it’s necessarily a problem or that you need to be worried about friends who do use substances in this way. If they’re happy and not harming others, then it shouldn’t bother you!

But I also think it would be wrong to ignore the correlation between substance use and mental health issues. This is especially pronounced in our community. I drank every night for five years because I was trans and depressed and didn’t know how to handle either. A lot of us use substances to mitigate the effects of trauma – but actually getting access to the support and care to handle our underlying issues is typically healthier than using substances.

That being said, there are some studies showing how powerfully positive drug use can be for people with some mental illnesses. The issue isn’t black and white.

Everyone gets to a place where they decide whether they’re comfortable or not with their substance use, and they need care and support regardless. If they decide they want to keep using, but be as healthy and have as much happiness as possible, you can be there to support them with harm reduction if necessary. But if they decide they want to change their substance use, you can be there to support them in finding alternate coping strategies and getting them connected with support.

And sometimes people who abuse substances are surrounded by others who enable their behavior, and actually really need a concerned loved one to ask them about whether their substance use is healthy for them. People usually have to come to that conclusion on their own – but if they know you’re concerned and loving, you could be someone who supports them to see the truth once they’re ready.

None of this requires judgment or moralizing, but I think concern is appropriate and is a form of love. If you’re able to separate what substance use looks like to you, and what abuse looks like, I think you’ll be better able to be concerned without being judgmental. You don’t need to get rid of your uneasiness around substance use, in my opinion. But continuing to figure out how to love and support people even when they make choices you’re not comfortable with is part of building community and loving other human beings. I applaud you for doing the work to continue that journey!

Vanessa: Abeni has provided such a generous response here and I have to be honest, I felt a little nervous to chime in. I don’t have a lot of experience with drugs myself, but I do have friends and fellow community members who use drugs in various different ways and it has become increasingly important to me as I grow up to learn exactly what you’re describing, a nonjudgmental way to engage with both the idea and the reality of other people’s drug use. Something that has been very helpful to me (especially as a person coming from a similar background you’re describing of growing up learning that substance use is morally “bad” and “scary”) is to read perspectives from people who do not feel that way. This sounds a little silly (maybe?) but I follow a lot of people on Twitter who talk about harm reduction models of substance use and I really admire them, so simply listening/reading their perspectives has helped change the way I think about drugs and how people may choose to use them. It’s nothing major — I never respond to the tweets because I don’t have anything to add to the conversations, but I learn so much from just witnessing the casual conversations and feel so grateful for Twitter’s existence as it has really helped me grow a lot (on this issue and many others, tbh). I also learned a lot from T Kira Madden’s memoir Long Live the Tribe of Fatherless Girls and the way she writes about her parents’ addictions — it felt like such a generous model to investigate how addiction works, how relapse functions, how to be nonjudgmental to people who choose to use substances, etc. in the context of a really breathtaking memoir at that. I’d recommend seeking out different texts, films, etc to try to expand your thoughts on substances, and see how it feels to just listen to new perspectives.

I also want to say that the fact that you were raped by someone who was abusing substances is likely playing into the fact that you’re having a lot come up here, and I am both so sorry that that happened and also hope you can be gentle with yourself through this process. It sounds to me that there are a few separate things happening in your brain/body when thinking about this, and the fact that you want to work on it at all is great. I am hopeful that our combined responses are useful and also I would really love to hear from anyone else in the comments who has more to contribute about harm reduction models and how we can support substance users in our lives and communities.

Nicole: I really admire that you are doing this work, even with the fears you have around it. Abeni and Vanessa have covered so much of this topic so well, above. I think that taking your time, gathering info, and learning more is totally appropriate. I’ve found you this Autostraddle piece related to harm reduction that might be helpful reading and which importantly offers a queer perspective on the topic. I also recently read The Recovering because of Analyssa’s review, and this book actually contains a lot of helpful perspectives on the glamorization of alcholism and drug abuse mostly reserved for educated white cis men and the moralizing and shaming of alcohol and drug use which tends to be put on anyone who isn’t in that former category. I thought the historic aspects that Jamison wove into her memoir were fascinating, too, and just general research into the laws and cultural shifts that led to the way we treat drug use today can be super informative. As with any kind of meaningful work to understand others and to unlearn cultural baggage, it’s okay if digging deep takes you a while, and I hope you will be able to let go of any anxieties you hold around feeling like you have to “get it” right away. Also, your volunteer work sounds cool!

Q5:

Hello! I have a fears and anxieties question I’m hoping y’all can help me with.

How do you share personal experiences that were tough/emotional/unpleasant/make you feel super exposed and vulnerable, with a large audience? For context, I co-founded a professional association for disabled lawyers earlier this year and our aim is to build community within the disabled legal community and advocate for greater representation and inclusion in what has traditionally been a very conservative industry. To achieve both of these things I think it’s important to be vulnerable, share the tough experiences I’ve had so others feel seen and understood, or so that allies can put a face to the structural and systemic barriers that exist and so I can use my experiences to agitate broader policy issues. The other co-founders do a really excellent job of this and I want to be able to emulate their confidence. But it’s really hard! I want to do it for our community but I’m still young(ish) and fairly introverted and even sharing anything about myself makes me feel physically sick with anxiety.
I know you all do this a lot on Autostraddle and I’m so unbelievably grateful for your openness and vulnerability because it makes me feel seen and understood and a little less alone as someone who’s still working this queer thing out! How can I do the same for my disabled community without it being harmful to my own wellbeing?

A:

Meg: Vulnerability is a really tricky thing. I think it takes a lot of time, energy, discipline, and intention to figure out the environments that feel safe to express vulnerability, and sometimes we don’t always feel the ways that we want to when opportunities for vulnerability arise. I really admire your desire to share your experiences with your community, and I absolutely understand feeling internal (or external) pressure to be open about everything that’s happened to you — but you also get to decide the when, where, and how of it all, and it may take a little experimenting for you to get comfortable sharing these stories.

Personally, it’s taken a very, very long time for me to feel comfortable publishing essays, details, and information about my experiences with broader audiences. But for me, being able to write things down instead of having to stand up and deliver a speech makes a huge difference. Do you have any flexibility with formats? If the desire to share is there but the medium is causing anxiety, perhaps you can chat with your co-founders about different ways to detail your experiences in ways that feels safer or more comfortable for you. Either way, I just want to affirm that you’re working to do something very difficult, something that not many people do — and that it’s perfectly normal to feel anxious about sharing something so intimate with other people.

Vanessa: First of all, congratulations on co-founding this association! Second of all, I want to really echo much of what Meg said — you do not owe anyone your vulnerability and even if it feels as though people around you are offering up their own vulnerability willingly and easily, it still doesn’t change the way you get to honor and respect your own boundaries.

As a writer, my desire to share about my own life has shifted a lot over the course of my career. I’m 32 now and the things I feel comfortable sharing are so different than when I was 22 — and frankly, I wish I could take back some of the things I did offer so freely, both in personal contexts and professional contexts. You mention that you’re young and figuring out what feels good to you, and without being condescending I just want to really support and encourage you to sit with those ideas and feelings for as long as it takes for you to be really sure. As my mom always says: you can say the thing later if you want, but once you’ve said it you can’t take it back. You are already doing amazing work by co-founding this association and focusing on building disabled community; you are not obligated to share anything beyond what you want to share. I teach creative non fiction writing classes and the first thing I always tell my students is that no one is entitled to your trauma. I’m not suggesting that anything you share would be traumatic, but I find that a useful mantra when I’m drawing my own boundaries around privacy and openness. And that’s the other thing about vulnerability: sometimes it seems as though someone is being super open and vulnerable and we assume we’re seeing the full picture, but actually they’ve carefully decided exactly what they do and don’t want to share and they feel very in control of their own experience. When I do that, I feel less anxiety about being open and vulnerable. I think interrogating what you do and don’t want to share will help alleviate some of the fears around sharing anything at all. Good luck. <3

Q6:

Hi! I’ve been in a relationship for the past 12 years. I started therapy this year and, in talking about dissatisfactions with my marriage, have come to realize that I am being emotionally abused and gaslit by my wife. I am working up the courage to confront my partner and possibly leave the relationship. But tied up in all my complex feelings about my situation is a lot of fear about becoming single. I haven’t ever lived alone, and I’m at an age now where all my friends are paired off and having kids, and I don’t know how to fit into that dynamic as a single person. (I also don’t have much queer community, and our few queer friends are the folks who are closer to my wife than to me.) I’m also really scared and uninformed about how to date now — have all the rules changed over the past decade+? It feels like there are so many dating apps, so many more labels/identities to navigate, more of an emphasis on casual sex or having multiple partners, etc. I’m afraid maybe I’m not “gay enough” or progressive enough because I haven’t kept up well with the changing queer landscape or engaged thoughtfully myself about where I might fit into it. In some ways I feel like I’d be a baby gay all over again, but that’s not cute when you’re nearly 40 and have been out for half your life. Do you have any advice about how to get past this mental roadblock that is so significantly contributing to my reluctance to free myself from a harmful relationship?

A:

Vanessa: Hi, friend. I am so sorry to hear about your current situation with your wife, and I hope you are able to make the decision you need to make to get yourself to a safer and healthier place. I am going to focus on your fears about becoming single in this response because you didn’t ask for advice about if you should leave or not, but I will contextualize my thoughts in the fact that I am always Team Breakup and based on the limited info you provided, and the fact that you wrote in at all, it seems to me that you know you are going to leave. So, with that said, let’s unpack some of your anxieties about being single.

Shifting from any situation you’ve been in for 12 years to something brand new is going to feel scary and overwhelming, because change is hard for humans and 12 years is a long time to get settled into a routine. But just because change is hard, doesn’t mean it’s bad — in fact, it’s often so so good. I won’t lie to you and say it will be easy: you’re right, things will feel different now than they did when you were dating 12+ years ago. But you’ll catch up, or you’ll meet other divorced people who are feeling similarly worried, or you’ll realize you’ve been dying to have a slutty phase, or you’ll settle into a platonic friendship with someone that is fulfilling in ways you didn’t expect, or something else will happen that neither of us can even imagine right now because life is weird and wild and unexpected and shitty and hard and beautiful and not knowing what comes next is part of the ride.

As for your friend group and your living situation, you’re right about that too — it might feel strange or isolating to shift into a dynamic of being a single person when your world is populated with couples. But once you’re no longer in a couple, you’ll start doing things single people do, and just like being part of a couple lends to couple-friends, being a single person leads to single-friends. So your world may expand and grow, and there are many ways you can facilitate that. I actually just answered an advice question recently about how to make connections when you feel really alone, and you might find that helpful — the comment section was filled with additional amazing suggestions, too, because AS readers are wonderful.

When I left my shittiest relationship, I said to a friend: “Even if I am lonely for the rest of my life, I know being alone will be better for me than staying with her.” And the lonely days suck, of course they do. But I was right. Everything that came after leaving was better, even on the hardest days. I want that for you.

Nicole: I love what Vanessa said above. Because yeah, being alone is better than being abused. It really, really is. I’m sending you so much love as you navigate this situation! It is scary and stressful and it is totally okay to feel these things.

I think the next thing I am going to say is kind of zigging when you expect to zag, but my main piece of advice is to end the unhealthy relationship first, and to worry about the rest after. If you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship where your wife is gaslighting you, then you surely have more emotional and mental weight right now than you realize. Your brain space is getting used up! Your body is under stress! Before you address your anxieties about friends, and dating, and queer community, I think the first thing you can do is to your well-being and to relieving yourself of that stress that after 12 years, you might not even actively fully know is there, like a rerigerator humming in the background. It’s still making noise even if you don’t hear it anymore. You will be better able to face these anxieties, and they might even be less scary, when you are under less stress stemming from your relationship. Separating from a marriage might contain a ton of different things you have to see to and unravel so, if you can, I recommend compartmentalizing for now, and trying to handle those items. Take care of logistics, get to a place where you can be comfortable and by yourself, and then I think you will suddenly find you have so much more mental and emotional capacity to consider where you want to take your life.

As for feelings around time / age, I once had a friend who was 100 years old and if she encountered someone who was 80 she would scoff and say “a babe!” While we certainly do not all get 100 years, age and things that are “acceptable” at various ages are so relative and queer time, which you are on, is its own thing! I am going to link you to something Heather wrote about queer time recently. There are still so many experiences to be had, friends to make, things you will discover. You are a person, not a statue. You have so much capacity to encounter new perspectives, to learn and grow, to understand yourself. The selfhood of the abused partner can get really pushed to the side in abusive relationships, especially long-term ones, and I have to say as someone who has been there and made it out to the other side, that I think you have so much YOU waiting for you out there.

And yeah, also, exiting a long term relationship can make you feel really raw, and new, and it will suck and it is kind of like being a baby all over again. That means you have a sense of what you don’t know, of the possibilities that are out there, that your future is huge and expansive and unknowable and full of potential. It’s scary and it’s also an adventure and I hope that maybe you can turn your anxiety on its head that way. There will be bad things, but there will also be good things.

Also, just in general, tips for planning a divorce and post-divorce life where you are going to have to draw on your own strength:
+ Make lists, get your affairs in order, and try to stay organized. Keep track your finances. Know where your documents like SSI cards and birth certificates are.
+ Read / listen to a lot of books, especially books about people getting divorced or books about queer people you relate to or anything that piques your interest. Fiction and memoir can help so much with the feeling that you’re alone. You are not alone.
+ Find your people. You mention that most of your friends are more close to your wife. That’s okay. I would encourage you to find who you can talk to and trust and to bring them in. This also might mean increasing the frequency of your sessions with your therapist if this is financially and otherwise do-able for you. It’s important to have support.
+ Be your own best friend. Make playlists for yourself, take yourself out to places YOU want to go, watch movies you want to watch, cook yourself the food you like. In essence, date yourself as you go through this process and make sure you take care of you.

Some additional reading / listening:
+ Wait, Is this a Date, a show about queer dating! (For when you’re ready!)
+ A conversation about divorce with Meg and I where I think Meg offers a lot of really great advice that is good for getting divorced in general
+ You Are Queer Enough
+ And finally, if you are someone who likes to walk the tightrope of media that is triggering and validating at the same time, I am obsessed with In the Dream House! It’s intense, though, as narratives about abuse are, so that link is to an Autostraddle review for you to check out, first.

I know I treated this like you are going to break things off, and this is because you framed your question as though your fears about being single were all that was keeping you in the marriage, so apologies if I’m off base there. I am sending you so much love and luck, and I hope that you are able to get yourself into a better situation, soon.

Q7:

Ever since my breakup, I’ve had this fear of running into my ex. Things didn’t end well, I got hurt pretty badly, and it took me an embarrassingly long time to heal. I’m doing really well now, and I haven’t seen or spoken to her in a couple years, but we still live in the same city, so I have this low grade anxiety about bumping into her. I tell myself it’s irrational and that helps a bit. I also reassure myself that I have control and can/would choose not to engage with her should I actually see her. I think part of the issue stems from being blindsided by the breakup and learning I was lied to. I think I’m trying to reassert control because back then, I felt like I didn’t have any, if that makes sense. I just really want to be free of this anxiety. Aside from therapy, do you have any tips? Does anyone else ever feel this way?

PS: Thanks for all you do. Autostraddle rules and I wouldn’t be the queer I am without it.

A:

Vanessa: I think this is a very normal way to feel! I realize that doesn’t give you any concrete coping strategies but I always find some sense of relief when my therapist affirms that an anxiety I’m feeling is actually rooted in reality and is a fine and normal thing to feel anxious about, so I’d like to gift you that nugget first and foremost: this is a normal way to feel and many people share this feeling! Running into an ex who hurt you badly is unpleasant, and most of us would like to avoid it. That’s very fair.

In terms of action steps you can take to manage this, I’d suggest the DBT workbook! I am very new to DBT so I’m a little shy to be the one to bring it up, but my best friend had been begging me to start learning the skills for years because my anxiety was ruining my life and she wanted me to have some actionable items to add to my toolkit for when I have an anxiety response to something. I have finally started after a particularly traumatic year and wow, it’s incredible how different this feels to talk therapy — it is (in addition to talk therapy) making me feel so ARMED to take on my anxiety! I really have been feeling quite empowered. DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) was originally created to help people diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder) but is a great tool for anxiety and is a well-respected mode of therapy. One of the key goals of DBT is distress tolerance, and the skills that you will learn from the workbook are things you can easily incorporate into your every day life. Lots of people who practice DBT (it’s a skillset, so practicing is very important) join DBT support groups or group therapy sessions so they can work with other people who are also learning and practicing these skills. I have just started such a group and it feels so good! I’d google “DBT” in your local area and see if any resources come up (for example Portland has the Portland DBT Institute) but even if they don’t, consider investing in the workbook and starting to study the skills on your own! They have been fairly life changing for me. (Also if anyone else wants to chime in about DBT I’d love that, as I said I’m very new to it and feel a bit shy to be the one recommending it. But it really helps!)

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