Welcome to the 43rd edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed. This month’s theme is WORK DRAMA! Please get your questions in by Monday, September 6, 2021! The general Into the A+ Advice Box (like this one!) where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month.

So, let’s dig in!

Q1:

How do you re-establish contact with a friend you haven’t heard from in more than a year, and reach out to them in a way that opens space for them to say if you hurt them and that’s why they haven’t been in contact? I know sometimes due to my self-criticism I tend to overreact and think that any friend I haven’t heard from in a long time must be upset at something I did, so I am trying not to project that. But I’ve also been thinking about how I can reach out to friends who I’ve lost touch with in a way that is open, honest/generous, and leaving room for the possibility that maybe I *did* say or do something that was offputting to them and that’s why we haven’t been in touch?

A:

Himani: This question feels hard to answer because it seems like you want a general answer to something that (I think, at least) is actually a really specific, case by case issue. The question that pops into my head after reading your letter is, “well, is there anything you can think of that you said or did that may have upset your friend enough to stop talking to you for over a year?” Typically, I would think, this would have to be a fairly serious offense and so it should be something that you should be able to identify fairly easily. If that’s the case, then I would advise reaching out with the following: (1) acknowledge what you did to hurt them, (2) apologizing for it (genuinely), (3) say that you miss the friendship and would like to reconnect but (4) you recognize that they may not be open to that given what happened. This is why I say that (in my view) this is a specific, case by case issue. I don’t think there’s a way to do that in general, catch-all terms. Also, keep in mind what I said about “a fairly serious offense.” For the kind of thing I’m describing, I’m talking about a way to make up after a pretty substantial fallout, which, again, is not something you should be guessing as to what the problem was.

All that said, you note yourself that you “tend to overreact.” The other thing that came to my mind as I read your letter is that you’re trying to take on a vague burden of reading your friends’ minds. Instead, I think you should work on accepting and trusting that if you hurt a friend, you have a strong enough relationship that they would be willing to tell you that you hurt them and have a conversation about it. All relationships are about communication, and so if you did truly hurt a friend in a serious enough way that they stopped talking to you for over a year and yet you’re completely in the dark as to what you did, you have to trust that your friend will talk about what happened with you, rather than ghosting you altogether.

The reality is, with the pandemic, I think a lot of people have struggled to keep in touch and maintain friendships. For a lot of people (myself included), even when they are thinking about someone, they sometimes can fail to go the extra step and actually just reach out to make time to reconnect because they’re feeling generally overwhelmed or tired of virtual catch ups. I know when my friends reach out to me out of the blue, I always relish it and every time I reach out to my friends after months or weeks or (even, in some cases, years) they tell me that they appreciate it too.

So, I think, rather than trying to reach out to someone with some kind of vague iteration on “We haven’t talked in a while, and I’m afraid it’s because I hurt you for some reason I can’t think of” I think you should opt for a simple: “It’s been a while since we connected. I miss you. How are you doing?”

Kayla: I do think it has been hard for just about everyone to maintain friendships during the pandemic. I realized recently I haven’t heard from one of my best friends in a very long time—but that also means she hasn’t heard from me! I trust that her lack of communication comes from the same place as mine; we have just been busy, the pandemic has made it hard to connect, etc. I like to think that the people I’m close with would communicate with me if they felt like I hurt them. At the very least, I like to think that if I reached out with a simple “hey, how are you, I’ve been thinking of you” and they WERE upset about something then they would at least take that opportunity to bring it up OR communicate that they need some space from me. I have an anxious mind, I totally get worrying that something’s wrong, but I don’t think it does anyone any good to automatically assume someone is mad at you/you did something hurtful when you haven’t heard from someone in a while. Saying a casual hello/how are you actually does leave the door open for a friend to say if they’re having some sort of bigger problem in your friendship but without putting pressure on them or making them feel guilty for not being in touch with you more. I overthink everything, but I promise you, you can just keep it casual and chill! Friendships are so hard right now.

Q2:

I know that y’all are not clinicians/physical therapists, but every time I come my hips pop. Is that normal? (It doesn’t hurt– it feels nice.)

A:

Ro: When you orgasm, your pelvic floor contracts. When I say “pelvic floor,” I’m talking about all of the tendons, ligaments and muscles that are in your pelvic region. They extend along the front of the pubic bone, around the hip bones and into the lower back. I’m not a doctor, so here’s my non-medical hypothesis: the contractions in your pelvic floor during orgasm could be pulling on the tendons, ligaments and muscles that attach to your hip, causing it to pop. So is it normal? Well, it makes sense given what’s happening in your body during orgasm. Lots of people have hips that pop when they move or sit a certain way (including me!). Talk to a doctor if you find that your hip or other joints are popping frequently or if they’re causing you pain.

Q3:

My girlfriend and I just decided to move in together. What are some tips for decorating a shared apartment that reflects both of our styles, interests, lifestyles, pets, etc.? Any tips for cohabitation in general? This is a first for both of us. :)

A:

Ro: Decide how you want to use your space based on the activities you want to do there. Clearly, you’ll need a place to sleep and a place to cook and eat, but what about the other tasks you do throughout the day — do either of you need an office area, a crafting table, a reading nook or a home for your drum kit? It’s important to have space that feels like it’s just yours, even if it’s not a whole room.

Talk about your needs and expectations around bills and household tasks BEFORE you move in. Maybe you’re equally responsible for bills or maybe you contribute to bills based on your individual incomes. Maybe you’re equally responsible for all household tasks or maybe they’re divided based on your preferences. Have the same conversations with your partner that you’d have with a roommate. If you have clear agreements, then you can quickly address any logistical issues that arise and avoid harboring resentment.

And make sure that you continue spending intentional time together! Go on dates. Have dedicated nights when you cook together. You still need time for romance even when you share a home.

Kayla: I love all of Ro’s advice above, especially talking about expectations BEFORE actual move-in date. Sometimes it’s easy to make assumptions about how housework and financial stuff is going to be divvied up, but not being on the same page about that stuff can create a lot of tension right away! So talk about the way you like to live and function in a household. Understand that some things might require compromise. But do your best to figure that stuff out ahead of time. That said, you won’t REALLY know what living together is like until you do it. So try to get on the same page about as much as possible up front but also understand you’ll probably learn new things about each other and how to exist in the same space as you go along. Address any conflict or tension as it comes up. Be flexible but also advocate your needs/expectations. The relationship changes when you cohabitate, but that doesn’t have to be as scary as it may sound!

I got lucky with my girlfriend in terms of our personal design styles being very compatible, but I know that’s not always the case! If you’re both bringing some of your own stuff like furniture and decor into the space, have conversations about what you think could go together. You should each have a chance to decorate a space of your own even if it’s as simple as you each getting a wall to put your art. If there are things you’re going to buy together—like a new couch or something like that—do some ~window shopping~ together either online or in person so you can both sort of figure out what you want/like and don’t feel pressured to make a decision on the spot. I like making decisions about things like houseplants, art, furniture, rugs, and other decor alongside my girlfriend, but I also like when we each pick out things we like separately and then figuring out how to blend them together if that makes sense. It should feel like a collaborative process setting up a home but also with room for your individual taste/style!

And yes, I just want to reiterate what Ro said at the end there. I think it’s SO important to still have date nights/intentional time together when you cohabitate with someone. It can be fun to just like chill on the couch watching Netflix and do your daily routine together etc. but it can also become a little repetitive. Spend time together outside of the home but also do fun shit at home that breaks the routine a little like a THEMED movie night or something like that!

Q4:

This is an astrology advice question: what do you do when your sign is… wrong? Like, I decided to try learning a bit about astrology because >gay< and I’m a gemini, but also the stereotypes and descriptions of geminis do not describe me. like, at all. Not sure how to proceed, please help.

A:

Ro: If you want to feel more connected to your astrology, look at your whole chart! Figure out what time you were born and ask an astrology-savvy friend to write out your birth chart (or use an app like Co-Star or the Pattern).

Himani: I feel like I have to chime in here with: this is why your destiny doesn’t lie in the stars. On a really simplistic level, think of all the millions, billions, literally trillions of people born between the dates of May 21 and June 20. Do you honestly think they all share the same characteristics?

But yes, as Ro said, if you really get deep into this stuff it goes beyond just the main sign.

Kayla: I’m not an astrologer, but I’ve heard my astrologer friends say repeatedly that you really have to look at your full chart—or, at the very least, your big three sun, moon, and rising signs—to get a more complete picture. Also, memes are fun and all, but they also oversimplify some of the aspects of this stuff! If you’re generally interested in learning more/digging deeper, I would seek out a reading or session with an actual astrologer. They’ll be able to speak about things more in-depth. But if you’re just trying to like relate to more astrology memes, then yeah you can use an app or birth chart calculator to figure out some of your other placements and see if those resonate more.

Meg: I am also not an astrologer, but I do work with astrology often enough to say: a lot of people don’t necessarily feel a deep personal connection to their sun signs, and that’s okay! For a lot of people, their rising sign may feel more reflective of who they are as a person, so it’s absolutely worth looking more closely at your ascendant, and considering how that sign’s energy shows up in your life. I absolutely want to third Ro and Kayla to say that looking at your entire chart paints a much more nuanced and descriptive picture of you as a person – and I also want to mention that there are a number of house systems and zodiacal modes, and depending on which one you use, your chart will look different. (This essentially means that there are a variety of ways to pull your chart, and that these different methods divide the sky and the houses into different sizes and sections. If you’re a Gemini Sun using the Tropical zodiac and Whole House signs, you may find that your big three change when you look at Sidereal, Constellational, or Placidus versions of your chart.)

Also, as a general reminder – memes, particularly astrological ones, are designed to be click bait. They’re literally meant to make you mad, hurt your feelings, and elicit a strong reaction. If you truly want to learn more about astrology, follow trained astrologers on social media, get a birth chart reading, or read a beginner’s astrology book. (Highly recommend Diana Rose Harper, Dayna Lynn Nuckolls, Mecca Woods, Djenneba Drammeh, Kirah Tabourn, and Theresa Reed, to name a few.) Don’t let the memes get in your head!

Q5:

Hi wonderfuls!
This a bit “am I x?” but more “what does x mean?” I know labels are what we make of them etc, but I need a bit of clarity on definitions.

I’ve id’d as a cis woman, and I’m considering gender non-conforming and genderqueer, but feel like I’m maybe misunderstanding what they mean. I primarily feel like a woman, but a little to the left? A woman but Wrong in a good way, in presentation but also in feeling. It’s more than that but that’s the gist

Here’s where my confusion comes in. The main feedback I’ve gotten (from cis people) when using either term is a question about whether I’m changing my pronouns. Which I’ve considered, but really doesn’t feel right. I suspect this reaction is largely driven by dominant narratives of nonbinary identity. In one case it was from a friend who’s dating an nb person in transition so I know it’s also tied to what’s top-of-mind for her. But it’s still had me questioning whether the term I’m using actually matches my intent.

But it’s not just well-meaning cis people. I’ve gone the “google for definitions” route and come back with more doubt than clarity. I read the genderqueer roundtable a few weeks back hoping/expecting to get that feeling of “ah yes, I know that feeling, yes there I am!” from at least one response but none of it really resonated. Which adds to the feeling that I’m misunderstanding what these words mean.

So, any thoughts on the meaning of genderqueer or gender non-conforming? Any terms you’d recommend looking into? If I’m on the right track, any suggestions for resources or ways I can think/talk about this that will help me clarify what I do and don’t mean?

A:

Himani: I’ve been thinking about this for a while, as well, and can relate, in some ways, to your confusion. Unfortunately, I don’t have any concrete answers for you. I think the reality is that different people use the same words to mean different things and use different words to mean the same things. One of the questions to ask yourself is why these words matter to you? I’m guessing, ultimately, it’s about wanting your experience and the ways in which you embody your identity to be understood in the world. If that’s the case, then a label alone will not help you — an explanation will always be required because there is no universal definition for any single label.

Sometimes, I find this easier to think about in terms of race because we have a tendency to think about race in very black and white terms while gender has more fluidity. But the reality is that even race is not that straight forward. For so much of my life, I’ve felt like I’m not really Indian because I’m not fluent in any of the languages, know very little about any of the religions and for years was extremely disconnected from the culture. At the same time, I’ve learned that there is so much variety in being “Indian,” even if one is born and raised on the subcontinent specifically (which is a narrow definition I don’t personally accept, but even if we take that for a moment) — so much variety in language, religion, cultural customs. And then there is the entire diaspora, double diaspora people whose heritages lie on the subcontinent but their families were indentured and taken all over the world, in addition to all the single diaspora immigrants and their families. So what does it mean to be Indian?

The reality is, there is no single answer. And the reality is, that is actually an incredibly fraught and political question. And I don’t mean political just in terms of government (while that is definitely part of it, yes — for instance, read up about the Citizenship Amendment Act in India, which was entirely about saying that Indian Muslims are not, in fact, Indian. Entirely political). But also political in terms of whose experiences we are willing to recognize, honor and acknowledge. So, for me, personally, I make it a point to take as sweeping a definition as possible, while also leaving space for people to identify as they identify. So to me, Indian means anyone who can trace their heritage back to the subcontinent, no matter how far back, which includes all of the people who are double diaspora and crosses religious lines. At the same time, the reality of Partition means that there are people living in, for instance, Pakistan or Bangladesh today whose families came from elsewhere on the subcontinent in what is now India. Similarly, there are people and cultures within the borders of India who have been fighting for their independence and recognition of their sovereignty for decades (for instance, in Kashmir). I strongly suspect (and in some cases, know for certain) that neither of these groups want to be labeled as “Indian.” And so I respect and acknowledge that and often opt for the more general “South Asian” unless I’m talking about more specific experiences that have to do with national borders.

So returning to gender, the web is even more tangled and confusing, I find. Even taking the term “gender non-conforming woman” — I’ve seen that range from people for whom holding onto the identity of woman, specifically, is incredibly important to them to people for whom straddling the greater mix generally embodied by non-binary more accurately captures their identity. And yet, these two people may share very, very similar or very, very different lived experiences of gender that may not even track along the lines of what we usually assume. For instance, a while back, in the A+ advice box, there was a discussion about gender and someone shared in the comments that they identify as non-binary, their partner identifies as a cis woman though their partner “had a more traditional trans kid childhood experience” than they did. This doesn’t invalidate either of these people’s identities, but rather illuminates truly how much range there is in the way people use and view all of these terms.

Personally, to me, and others may disagree, I think this comes down to politics, in terms of who do you want to hold solidarity with while also maintaining the distinction of your experiences and other people’s experiences? Again, for me personally, identifying as a woman, no qualifiers, is incredibly important to me because of the way that women are treated globally, and identifying as a woman while actively not conforming with the traditional definitions of womanhood I specifically was raised with is an important part of how I see the world moving forward on the rights and liberties of people of all genders because the label of “woman” is so strongly policed pretty much the world over. This is not inseparable from the fact that I was raised in an extremely conservative South Asian household, while I also recognize that other people raised in extremely conservative South Asian households identify and view their genders differently, even though our ultimate political goals may be exactly the same. At the same time, I also recognize, that I don’t think I’ve had truly dysphoric experiences, though I was raised with a lot of body shaming and so it’s hard for me, at times, to really know the difference between these things; I am fully aware that I’m not subject to transphobia in the way that trans / non-binary people can be. So I also recognize that I don’t want to claim experiences that aren’t mine, but sometimes this means that people don’t understand or dismiss my experience solely based on the words I use to identify myself. There are people who have said things like “cis people don’t think about gender this much” or “perhaps if one identifies as a woman it’s because they’ve had the privilege of being raised under an expansive definition of being a woman” — neither of these captures my experience, and I do find them really frustrating and narrow ways to think about gender. And again, different people define genderqueer, gender nonconforming and even non-binary differently, and so some may argue that identifyfing as any or all of these identities doesn’t necessarily preclude the types of experiences that I personally have had.

Ultimately, what I really think it comes down to, is not making assumptions about people’s experiences based on their identities and having fuller conversations about identity and experience that go beyond mere labels. That also means that I think you’re free to use the words that best capture your identity and experience, knowing that it’s never going to be perfect or universal.

Q6:

I am a queer non-binary person in a 3-year relationship with a cis woman. I love her very much and I really see her as someone I would have in my life forever, but there is a huge amount of tension around her trauma, and my ability or inability to be there for her. I have been working with a therapist on my own for 2 years now and have googled and researched ad nauseam, but it seems no matter what I do, when she needs me most, I feel like I somehow fail her. We got into a fight the other day and she recommended I google how to take care of a person with sexual trauma (which I have done many times, and it was equally shaming and sad). I am currently dealing with my own gender dysphoria, alcohol dependency, distance from friends (due to COVID), and anxiety. We don’t really have sex anymore, and when we do, I feel like I can’t ask for anything I want or need at the risk of her having a panic attack, disassociating, or having flashbacks. I am also currently thinking of going on T for the first time (which is equally exciting and terrifying) and I feel like she is holding onto this version of me that is this non-binary -person who is so happy as they are (which is totally cool, but just not where I am at anymore). I just feel like I have given myself this really big responsibility to take care of her, and I’m frankly exhausted. I feel like I have convinced myself that I am no longer a sexual being (which I don’t think is true) and I am so afraid of hurting her that I think it impairs my ability to be honest. I think it is time to pull the plug, but I feel really bad especially now she is self-harming again. Please help!

A:

Rachel: This sounds really hard for you, and like you’re in a lot of distress over it, and also like you love your girlfriend very much! I’m really sorry you’re in this situation and it’s been so difficult. I’m super glad you’re already seeing a therapist on your own, and am curious what they have to say about the relationship dynamic! From my own perspective, as someone who both has trauma and has dated many people with trauma, it feels to me like you’re kind of set up to fail here. It sounds like your girlfriend’s trauma is absolutely real and serious, and I don’t doubt that she needs and deserves support around it and that you want to give it to her; it also sounds a bit surprising to me that she’s telling you to google things three years in, and that you both haven’t been able to work out some systems or shared understandings about what consistently triggers her or makes her feel safe, and ways you can get your needs met even as she deals with her stuff. Obviously no relationship is perfect and no couple with trauma can do those things all the time, but ideally in a healthy relationship, your partner can communicate somewhat consistently what they need to feel safe and what they need you to do to avoid triggering them, and can commit to working to manage their own reactions in response to your needs. It doesn’t sound like those things are happening – it sounds like your girlfriend hasn’t really clarified for herself what she needs from an intimate partner in relationship to her trauma (survivors of sexual assault need wildly different things during an argument; I’m not sure why googling would get you any farther than her telling you verbally ‘X made me feel unsafe, in the future can you do Y instead”) and is avoiding that work with the assumption that if you cared about her enough, you would figure it out for both of you — or, more generously, her pain feels so big to her that it feels like its contours must be obvious and visible, and she can’t see that it isn’t to others. As someone who also needs specific things in some scenarios in order to feel safe and can be triggered during conflict or intimate relationships, I know how much it sucks, and also that other people can’t read my mind — it’s my job to know what I need and clearly ask for it.

I do think it’s probably, as you say, not a relationship for you to be in any more – the work it takes to be able to develop self-awareness around this stuff takes a lot of time, and it also requires a lot of trust to talk about it even when you’re mad at someone; it sounds like that trust may not be there at this point in your relationship. I totally get being worried about someone hurting themselves when you need to leave; also, you are not your partner’s caretaker or guardian, and she is an adult who can communicate her own safety needs and work to get them met. I think regardless of whether you choose to stay together or not, some kind of conversation needs to happen where you can share that you want to figure out how to get your needs met better and also for her to be healthy and safe, and invite her to actively weigh in on a plan to name what her specific needs are and how they can be navigated, and you can act as a team in both of you feeling good.

Himani: I completely and whole-heartedly agree with everything that Rachel said. I also want to add that you are going through a lot of things in your own life right now, and your girlfriend’s trauma is not more important than you and the things you’re going through. You also deserve to be in a relationship where you can live fully as yourself and not have your gender be defined or conscribed by another person. I understand your concerns about your girlfriend’s mental health, but ultimately, it’s her responsibility to take the steps she needs to take care of her own mental health. It sounds like she’s relying on you substantially for that, while also expecting you to read her mind, as Rachel said. Neither of those things is sustainable or healthy in any relationship. I understand you don’t want to hurt her, but honestly, I think you need to center yourself.

Kayla: I also agree with everything above and am really sorry you’re in this tough position. I understand your fears around leaving, and I also just want to commend you on getting to the point where you realize it might be the right time to end this relationship. (For what it’s worth, it’s definitely a major red flag to me that your partner told you to google something instead of having an open and clear conversation about her needs! I agree with Rachel; her trauma is absolutely valid, but that’s a manipulative and ultimately unproductive thing to say!) If you do decide to leave, you’re going to need to set some very clear boundaries. You can’t be her support system through a breakup. You might have to encourage her to reach out to other people like friends and dear ones. Even if you were to stay in the relationship, you can’t be her only source of support and care. That puts an unfair burden on you and makes you feel responsible for her self-harm. She needs to find coping mechanisms that don’t entirely hinge on you and the relationship.

Q7:

I have a super feminine first name, but recently found a more gender neutral nickname that I love. As someone who has never really gone by a nickname before, it feels like giving myself one in my late twenties is forced. I’ve started putting it on things like take out orders or workout class sign ups, but I feel like I’m lying. I’m positive my friends would be supportive, especially if it made me more comfortable in my gender identity, but it feels weird! Any advice on putting on a new name?

A:

Ro: Congrats on finding a name that feels like it fits you! I’ve changed my name twice — once when I was eighteen and again when I was 30. Both times, it felt weird at first (you’re not alone!), but after a while, everyone in my life (including me) got used to it.

When you tell your friends that you’re going by a new name, you can go into depth about what this means for you or you can be totally nonchalant (like “Heads up, I’m going by [NAME] now. So what do you want for dinner?”). Introduce the topic in whatever way feels most comfortable for you.

The three things that have helped me the most with name changes are:
1. Changing my name on social media — that way, I don’t have to have a conversation with every single person I know about my new name.
2. Asking my friends to change my name in their phones — that way, they always see it when they get a text or call from me and it helps them get used to it.
3. Asking my friends, my girlfriend and my therapist to use my name frequently in conversation. That helped me get used to hearing my new name.

I hope this helps! I’m excited for you!

Q8:

What do you do when a hetero friend or family member recommends a gay tv show or movie to you, and you didn’t like it or found it just flat out bad? For some reason, I have trouble critiquing the piece of media because I want to commend the straight person for watching something gay at all (??) and I worry if I tell them I didn’t like the thing, they will stop discussing queer media with me and will go on watching problematic or low quality gay stuff. (I guess I also feel sort of an internal burden, like because I’m the main gay person they know then I *need to* speak up specifically about why a tv show or movie was not good and educate them.) Ultimately what I do want is to get the hetero people in my life to watch better quality LGBTQ content made by queer ppl!

This has happened to me a couple times recently with a hetero family member telling me to watch The Prom, and then the Tales of the City reboot (neither of which I liked very much!). Also sometimes I feel like straight people in my life will recommend gay stuff to me in a bid to get ally cookies (??) Then I feel bad for being judgmental- like my family is just trying to connect with me over gay stuff and I’m being too critical. When I can, I try to recommend better queer tv & movies for straights to watch (The Half of It! Pose!) but it feels like sometimes ppl just don’t want to hear my recs and they just wanted the gratification of saying they watched something gay and I should know about it.

Does any of that make sense? I’m curious if anyone else has this problem, and what you do about it?

A:

Himani: Honestly, for me, it depends on the person. The people I’m closest with all know that I could ramble on for hours (literally) about something I love or hate, and so if it was someone I was really close with telling me how much they loved, say, Four More Shots Please, then yes, I would go on a long ass rant about everything I hated about the show and why. And then, I would be like, “but ACTUALLY if you want to see a story about Indian women with a queer storyline that I thought was GREAT, I HIGHLY recommend Bombay Begums” and would proceed to ramble about that for a while. Among my closest friends, I know that once the recommendation is made, they may or may not watch it, but they would appreciate and want to know what I like and dislike in terms of queer representation in media and why.

For people who are in that more vague category of people I know less well or am only just starting to become friends with, or, as you said, family that’s just trying to connect, it’s a little trickier. Personally, I would still say that I didn’t really like the show and leave it open as to whether they want to talk about that more. I’d give them space to talk about why they are recommending it to me and what they liked about it and then maybe push them on one or two things that I found most troubling about it. And then, I would still pivot to talking about a queer show I really loved and encourage them to watch it.

Ultimately, it isn’t your job to educate the het people in your life about what makes for good queer representation or not, but I would think that you would want the het people in your life to understand you and your experience, and so the media they consume is part of that. I think there’s ways in which we can be honest about not liking something and push people on those things without fully alienating them. That said, I also find that a lot of Americans, specifically white people, really hate any kind of disagreement in conversation. It’s almost like voicing a different opinion on something either has to be something that’s a serious life or death issue or it’s just rude. So I don’t know, I think on some level, I’ve also personally accepted that I probably do rub a lot of people the wrong way because I’m pretty vocal about my opinions.

You know your friends / family better than us, so I really can’t say much to whether or not they genuinely want to engage with you on queer media or if they just want allyship cookies. But if you’re finding that your family / friends aren’t watching the media you’re recommending to them, and this really bothers you then make a point of watching it with them: invite them for a movie night and then put on The Half of It.

Kayla: I love this question and can relate to aspects of it! I really think you can say to these people in your life “I appreciate you watching and engaging with these queer shows and recommending them to me, but I found them to be lacking and here’s why.” At the same time, you do not have to explain anything to straight people if you don’t want to. But if you did open the door for a conversation, I think you’d quickly figure out if these folks really are just looking for ally points or if they’re actually trying to connect with you. This could help you better navigate your reaction/approach the next time it happens. At the end of the day, I don’t think you have to feel bad about being judgemental. It can be really frustrating when straight friends and family put us into gay boxes or see our queerness as so simplistic or cut and dry. Just because a work of art or media features LGBTQ people doesn’t mean a queer viewer/reader/etc is going to automatically like it! And representation is also about more than numbers (or, at least, it should be) so just because something has gay folks in it doesn’t automatically mean it’s meaningful representation. Maybe you could broach these nuanced/complex convos with your family but only if that feels actually productive and important to you. No need to do it if it’s just going to make you exhausted! The heteros can be very exhausting!

Q9:

How do you choose a name that feels right for you? I have a very 90s baby girl name that I feel so disconnected from- it’s way more feminine than I feel like I am, and it was chosen for me by parents I haven’t had contact with for over a decade. I want to call myself, and be called, something that feels better but I don’t want it to be a big deal.. Help?

A:

Ro: Like I said in my answer to question #8, I’ve changed my name twice — once when I was 18 and again when I was 30. The first time, I chose a name that started with the same first letter as my legal name. This felt like a smoother transition for me and for the folks around me. If you want to go this route, search lists of baby names that start with the same first letter as your current legal name. If maintaining your given initials isn’t important to you (or if you need to narrow down a list of names that start with a specific letter), search for names with specific meanings or names that reflect your family history and/or culture. That’s how I went about changing my name a second time. My dad’s side of the family is from Hungary, and that’s something we like to celebrate. So I searched through Hungarian names and found the name Ménrót. I ended up going with the Scottish spelling (Munro), because I felt like being a dyke with a name that spells out “men rot” would be a little…intense? And now I go by Ro, which feels little more androgynous to me.

Changing your name doesn’t have to be a big deal unless you make it a big deal. Of course, some people in your life might make it a big deal no matter what, and that’s not something you can’t control. There will absolutely be a weird and clunky time when the people in your life are getting used to your new name, but I promise — that time will pass! And eventually your name will just be your name.

Q10:

Hi AS,

You previously gave me some great advice and I’m hoping I could get more (Q3 here).

Things have gotten progressively worse the past few months. She didn’t react well to my honesty, she wouldn’t listen to me saying I was hurt, and in conversation with my therapist, I recognized that she was gaslighting me. She has continued to be emotionally hot and cold. She refuses to hear me out, she accuses me of making her uncomfortable and ignoring her boundaries (she won’t respect any boundary I request) and she wants everything to be on her terms, from how relationships work to how I’m allowed to communicate with her, etc. She tells me she wants me to be honest and then gets angry when I am. I mentally snapped when I found out she was telling mutual friends she was uncomfortable being around me while telling me everything was okay. Two days ago she talked about how great her ass looked in her new jeans and was showing me and our other friend. (Talk about making ME uncomfortable.) When I tried to tell her that I was over her telling me things are okay when they clearly aren’t, and that I’m willing to have a conversation in person but it’s going to take honesty on both sides, she completely flipped out. I told her that I needed space, she said she respected and reciprocated that feeling, and then she went on and on and on before she stopped texting me. Less than an hour later, she texted me again saying she didn’t need space and was done processing and ready to talk when I am. Is this an emotionally abusive friendship? What do I do? I still care about her and I’m worried about her.

A:

Himani: My friend, I say this with a lot of love, but I really think you need to take a break from this person. From the beginning, she’s had really bad boundaries, has failed to respect your boundaries and, as you yourself identified, has been gaslighting you. I understand that it can be really, really hard to take a strong break from someone you really care about and are attracted to, but I think you need to re-examine how this person is making you feel. Sometimes, we can get swept away but the strength of feelings like attraction, affection and care and lose sight of when other, negative feelings are starting to emerge because of how someone is treating us.

I think you should reach out and let her know that friendship with her isn’t working out because of everything that’s happened — being attracted to her but the ambiguity around if this was a friendship or something more and her general unwillingness to respect your boundaries — and that you need to take a break. If you really want, you can offer her one final conversation to say whatever she wants to say, but stand firm in taking that break. If she asks for a timeline, make it a break of at least several months so you have the time, space and distance to start building new relationships and reflect on this one. And then stand firm in that boundary — block her number and block her on all social media. If it really pains you, put a reminder on your calendar however many months from now that you agreed on to unblock her.

I understand this is really complicated given that you were (and maybe still are) in a pandemic pod together and share mutual friends. You can decide what and how much you want to say to your mutual friends, and it probably depends on how close you personally are to each person. In some cases, it may be helpful to just let the mutual friend know that you and this person are taking a break from your friendship so you don’t want to hang out all together but would prefer to spend time with the mutual friend individually. If they press you for details, you can share what you’re comfortable with or just say, “I don’t really want to get into it.” For mutual friends you might be less close with, you may just play it by ear — join in activities when you can when you know she won’t be there. If you happen to cross paths in social outings, maintain your distance as best you can and focus your energies on other people; if she tries to engage you politely reply and then excuse yourself and move into a different part of the gathering.

Kayla: You have really given her a lot of chances here. It’s difficult to know all the nuances and specifics of a relationship or friendship, so I don’t want to make too prescriptive of a statement, but a lot of the behaviors you describe do sound emotionally manipulative and abusive. I know you care about her, and I know ending friendships is really, really hard, but I’m struggling to see a viable alternative here, especially since you’ve tried communication, taking space, etc. She continues to ignore your boundaries. She continues to ignore your feelings. At a certain point, you have to ask yourself: What are you getting out of this friendship? What is keeping her in your life? Only you can answer those questions for yourself of course, but I can tell you from an outside perspective that this sounds like a deeply unbalanced and fraught friendship that is causing you a lot of pain. It can’t be fixed from one side; she has to do the work, too. It’s not on you to make this friendship work. Just as with any relationship, it’s a two-way street. I’m so sorry, and I wish things had gone better between your last question and this one. But she seems unwilling to take accountability or work with you on bettering the friendship.

Q11:

So, I am sober, and have been for about three years. I’m sober because substances (alcohol, weed, etc) intensely worsen my depression, PTSD, chronic pain, and chronic fatigue. Fun! I’ve thought about it a lot and I’m not an addict — I kind of became sober accidentally through vaguely reducing what I consumed more and more, and I don’t experience strong urges to drink/smoke/etc most of the time (and never have).

But sobriety is still challenging! I would occasionally love a beer on days where life is hard. I miss feeling drunk and alive at a gig with my friends. It’s awkward to navigate social life without drinking or smoking.

I’m really craving queer, sober support groups at the moment. The catch though is that most groups that fall into the niche of being queer AND sober is that they’re AA (/NA, etc) meetings. I’m not an addict of any kind, including an alcoholic, and so I don’t feel like it would be appropriate for me to go to those meetings.

I’m not in the US, so I don’t expect y’all to be able to recommend IRL spaces for me, but are there any online spaces (discord? insta? facebook? reddit??? etc) centred on queer, trans-inclusive sobriety that aren’t framed solely around addiction?

A:

Nicole: So! This is only something I’m peripherally aware of (and something that to my knowledge has gone on hiatus during the pandemic) but my city had a queer pop-up sober bar situation that served mocktails and created a sober socializing space. They’d also do pop-up’s at local events where there was low-key drinking but that weren’t necessarily centered around it, to give people the option to have a mocktail while still doing the thing. So, knowing this happened / happens, you might want to look into pop-up sober events as sober spaces and especially sober queer spaces might not have a brick and mortar place to call a permanent home but may still exist near you (or will, later, depending on the pandemic).

However, you mention support groups! While I don’t know what your situation is specifically in terms of COVID in your area so this may be a future thing to think about, if you can’t find a group that already exists, it might not hurt to organize a group of your own! It’s more work than just going to something someone else puts together, true, but if you started a “sober queer emotional support group” or even a “sober queer picnic” or “sober queer masked boardgame afternoon in the park” then you might have some bites and meet some people who were also looking for just the kind of space you are. I’d look up how other people do these things, the guidelines they put in place before diving in, but at the end of the day, it might just be that there are several people in your area wishing for the very same sober, queer support group that you have in your head and you could be the one to get that ball rolling.

In terms of global / internet stuff, I have found for you: r/QueerandSober. A cursory look tells me that this is pretty much what it sounds like, so why not hop in and start a conversation! Stay safe out there, tell people where you’re going if you meet someone from the internet (I feel like, especially where things like Reddit are concerned), meet people in public spaces, and all those things!

Q12:

I’m a fairly uncoordinated person — an ex of mine who is a doctor once (sincerely and kindly; not jokingly) suggested I get tested for dyspraxia.

All aspects of physical coordination are challenging for me sometimes, but in particular fine motor skills are very hard for me — especially when I’m being watched, when I’m under pressure or when I’m in a hurry. Most of the time, this doesn’t affect me too much: I avoid chopping vegetables in front of other people (embarrassing but true!!) and I lock up my bike very, very slowly.

It does sometimes get tricky during sex though. Obviously sex isn’t just about physical skill – it’s also about communication (verbal + non-verbal), trust, respect, and lube. Still, physical touch does usually come into it and that creates challenges for me.

To be very specific, I find manually stimulating someone’s genitals in a fast way to be really difficult for me, to the point where it’s actually quite upsetting/distressing for me, and really ruins the moment. (I’ve had a think about it + I don’t think this is related to trauma — it feels like the same kind of automatic overwhelm I get when someone is pressuring me to slice the carrots more quickly or whatever.) Obviously slow forms of manual stimulation are really fun and yummy for everyone involved, but sometimes people want things to be faster, especially if they want to cum.

My question is:

1. Is it ok to use a vibrator on people if they want faster manual stimulation?
2. How do I communicate with them about this? Should I be worried about making people not feel desirable because I’m not willing to get them off with my hands?

A:

Ro: Not everyone can stimulate a partner with their hands, and that’s totally ok! So to answer your first question: yes, you can absolutely stimulate a partner with a vibrator externally or internally. In fact, a lot of people have stronger orgasms and orgasm more quickly with stimulation from a toy, so you’ll probably find partners who prefer this method. If you find that you’re more coordinated with your tongue/mouth, that’s always an option, too (and if you’re not confident in your tongue’s fine motor skills, remember that plenty of people like to sit on a face and gently grind against a partner’s tongue or lips — just ask them what sensations they like!).

If you’re fucking someone who craves internal thrusting, here are some additional ideas:
1. Fuck your partner with a strap on. If thrusting doesn’t feel possible or comfortable on your end, you can wear a pelvic harness or a thigh harness, sit or lay still and let your partner ride the dildo.
2. Your partner can fuck themself with a suction cup dildo (or a thrusting toy like this one that we just reviewed) while you kiss them, spank them, play with their nipples or provide external stimulation with a vibrator.

There are also plenty of people who prefer all over external pressure/ rubbing. In that case, your partner might want to rub their genitals against your thigh or ass, which requires little to no movement on your end.

In terms of how you communicate about this, I think you already know how. You explained it really well in your question — you physically and mentally struggle with manual stimulation and it’s really important to you to be fully present during sex, so you need to stick with sex acts that don’t require fast finger movement. It doesn’t mean that you’re not attracted to your partner — you’re working around a limitation and providing alternative options. For your partners, this is an opportunity to get creative!

Q13:

So, I’m in a newly polyamorous relationship. My partner is happily dating someone, while I am single and not really looking to date anyone else right now. But I want more polyam friends! How do I meet other polyam people as an introvert in a pandemic? My therapist said I should look for a poly/non-monogamous Facebook group, or google some, but that feels a little random? I think I want a recommendation from an actual person and not a search engine. Any suggestions would be much appreciated!

A:

Kayla: It’s definitely possible to intentionally meet other poly folks through social media or on friendship apps like Bumble BFF (include in your profile that you’re looking for other poly folks)! The benefit of using an app like that is that you can find people in your area more easily than just seeking out other poly people on Instagram or Twitter. Also just seeking out queer spaces/events in general could lead to meeting poly folks organically (not all queer people are poly obviously, but queer spaces do tend to—for the most part—be more poly-affirming than straight spaces).

Q14:

help! I can’t tell if I actually feel uncomfortable with my gender presentation or if I just want to be thin! How do I untangle my internalized fatphobia from just generally disliking the clothes I’ve been putting on my body?

A:

Himani: I’m going to share some thoughts that came to my mind after reading your question, but I really hope that readers chime in, in the comments with their own experiences and suggestions. The first thought I had is maybe to play around with wearing different types of styles. Focus on clothes that feel comfortable to wear and then play around with more masculine and more feminine styles. I know a lot of clothing can be really unfriendly to people of all sizes. In the Fashion A+ advice box, Shelli shared a ton of resources and great advice about finding a fit that makes you feel good. Second, expand who you follow on social media so that you’re looking at a lot of different models of all different sizes and different gender presentations. I think that’s probably one of the best ways for all of us to start reframing how we look at beauty both externally and internally. And finally, this one is a little tricky, but I know that in previous A+ advice boxes, Ro has suggested looking for HAES (Health At Every Size) therapists. You may be able to work with them on dismantling some of the internalized fatphobia generally, which might help you find the space to explore gender presentation from a broader lens. I apologize if these suggestions feel inapplicable to you or these are already things you’re doing. You’re asking a thoughtful question and perhaps some readers will have more and better resources to share in the comments.

Nicole: I also want to recommend this recent article, “When Thin Is a Trans Requirement” which might be helpful if you haven’t yet read it!

Q15:

Hey there Autostraddle folks! First off, thank you so much for making such an awesome queer feminist space on the internet! I need advice on how to approach these strong sexual (maybe even romantic) feelings that I have for a close friend.

We are both queer/poly/kinky and have so much in common, which is why we have become such close friends! However, I am currently not in a place to be in another relationship since I am currently in a monogamous relationship. I’m struggling to figure out if I should confess feelings for the purpose of keeping our boundaries friendship-friendly and not surprising zem that I have these feelings versus bottling it up till the end of time as to preserve our friendship and not cause any drama. I’ve had a really bad experience with when I confessed my feelings for another friend, she said she felt betrayed and that the only reason I was friends with her was to sleep with her (which is just a gross thing for anyone to do).

I feel strongly that at least hinting at my feelings is important to setting this specific type of boundary because there are so many things I want to do in the context of our friendship, like cuddling and being emotionally vulnerable, but I don’t want zem to look back on these experiences as something I was doing to get in zir pants. I’m sort of a shameless, sex-positive/forward person that the most typical boundaries aren’t something I really do with friends in general nor match the current dynamic of this friendship. Any advice would be much appreciated!

Sincerely,
Pining-and-panicking

A:

Himani: Based on the dynamics you’re describing, I think a conversation with your friend is in order, as you’re already thinking about doing. I understand your concern about not wanting to create drama, but personally I think having this conversation will be the surest way to avoid drama. Personally, I think you can let your friend know that you have feelings for zem but aren’t available for another relationship right now, that you’d like to continue being friends and that you want to give zem the opportunity to reassess your friendship dynamic based on this information. I also understand your hesitations based on your experience with your previous friend, but honestly, I do think that she may have had something of her own going on there as it seems like a lot of steps to assume that a friend confessing a crush means that you only became friends to have sex with her. I think give your current friend the basic info without going into too much detail and then give zem the opportunity to consider what boundaries would make zem feel most comfortable. Also think about what boundaries would make you feel most comfortable, given that you are in a monogamous relationship right now and you do have these feelings for your friend. It might mean needing a little distance in your friendship, at least in the interim or just tweaking how you interact with each other.

Q16:

I’m a middle school teacher at a tiny, all-girls private school in VA, and as the only publicly-identifying queer member of faculty I often find myself having conversations with my boss about how to support students exploring their genders and sexualities. This year I’ve been tasked with explaining pronouns to older faculty members after a student suggested that students/teachers should introduce themselves with their pronouns. I’m conflicted–I’ve done a lot of reading and am concerned about how a pronoun mandate could pressure somebody into outing or closeting themselves, while allowing cis people to feel like they’ve done the work without actually doing the work. At the same time, it’s so important to create a space where people are free to be their most authentic selves, and the normalization of naming one’s pronouns can help do that. Middle school is tough, too, because the kids are all at different stages in their development. Are there any resources available to consult on issues like this, maybe for all-girls schools in particular? I’d also be interested in starting an LGBTQ+ club at my school at some point (do we still use the term GSA?), but I’d definitely want to do my research before jumping in. I really want to do right by my kids, but have no idea where to start–I wasn’t out in school and so never involved with any clubs or programs. Any advice would be appreciated!

A:

Ro: I’m not a middle school teacher, but I do have the experience of being a semi-out queer middle school student. My middle school and high school didn’t offer any resources to LGBTQ+ kids. I actually tried to start a GSA at my high school and was denied (eventually, they gave us a meeting room, but we weren’t allowed to advertise the club, which kind of defeated the purpose). I would have LOVED to have had a formally recognized LGBTQ+ student group at either of my schools. It sounds like you already know some openly queer students at your school. Ask them what they need. Maybe they would love to establish a club or maybe they need something else.

Regarding pronouns: I hear you. Requiring people to share their pronouns has the potential to be weird and uncomfortable for students and teachers who are still exploring gender and pronouns and aren’t ready to out themselves. When I was working with young people as a teaching artist, I used to start every theater class with a name and pronoun circle, but I quickly realized that this wasn’t working for all of my students. Eventually, I started doing this: for each new class, I would have students write down the name that they’d like to go by and their pronouns with addition questions like, “Should I use this name/ these pronouns in front of the class?”, “Should I use this name/ these pronouns in front of other teachers?”, “Should I use this name/ these pronouns if I’m speaking to your parents?”, etc. That way, students could share their pronouns with me without having to do so in front of the entire class. This allowed me to affirm each student’s name and pronouns privately and/or publicly, depending on what they wanted. I also told my students that they could email me anytime if they had a name or pronoun update. Maybe something like this could work for your school?

Q17:

Hello AS!
There are so many important causes in this world. How do I prioritize my time without feeling like I’m ignoring something equally important?

A:

Himani: The timing of this question is incredible. Every so often, I read articles about empathy and how much news we consume and all of that, and then just yesterday Dahlia Lithwick wrote a great article for Slate on this very topic that ties together so many of the things I’ve read previously. The tl;dr is to stop trying to care about everything. It’s a toxic aspect of internet culture that is actually pretty shallow and performative and makes us not really care about anything, ultimately. Or it leads to debilitating depression. Or both. Focus on the issues near and dear to your heart and trust that other people in the world are spending their attention on other issues that they care about. Accept that doing that means you won’t know everything that’s happening and don’t fall into the trap of thinking that the issues you care about are the “most important” just because they are the ones you’re the most well-versed in. You will probably encounter people who will get angry with you for not talking about every single issue under the sun. In those situations, I think you have to take it for what it is: let the person talk about the issue if they want to without requiring them to take on the “educating” role, empathize as best you can, and then go about your day. Sometimes those encounters might encourage you to shift your priorities, which is both valid and great. But not always, and that’s fine too. (Side note: I say all this without judgement because I am completely guilty of all of this and am working on many of these same things.)

Ro: I love Himani’s answer! I also want to add that once you identify a specific cause (or causes) where you’d like to focus your attention, consider your needs and skills before deciding how you’ll contribute. There’s no “right way” to support a cause. Lots of people like to get involved through protests, but if you panic when you’re in a crowd and you’re easily overstimulated, then attending marches and protests is probably not the best (or most helpful) way to expend your energy. Are you an excellent cook? Make meals for your local unhoused community. Are you a great listener? Volunteer as a mentor or facilitate a peer support group. Do you have money to spare? Make regular donations. You’ll be the most helpful when you’re doing something that you’re good at.

Nicole: Himani and Ro really nailed it! I To add just a little, someone once told me that when it comes to being involved in your community, “you can go broad or you can go deep.” And I kind of disagree with “going broad” as an option! You can try to touch as many causes as possible, but I personally have volunteered and worked in situations where there is someone who is very attentive to many things and they aren’t able to be as present for deep work in any one place, and the deep work falls to people who are more focused on one or two causes. I think people make themselves less effective when they spread themselves thin, and it can be counterintuitive, but if you’re trying to be of help in the biggest way, sometimes it’s a good idea to just really commit and learn something from the inside out — and yes, the cost of that is to not be involved in everything. But, then your expertise will allow you to be a resource for other people to get involved, and you will be passionate about the cause and able to be an advocate for whatever you’re involved in. To be specific, this matters most when it comes to the resource of time and spending your time and energy. If you choose to focus your time in a few areas, your knowledge and understanding and connections with others who are doing this work only grow the more that you dedicate your attention to it.

I just wholeheartedly agree with what Himani and Ro have already said. You are one human and you cannot do everything. Of course, sometimes important causes are ignored for a variety of reasons and educating people about them can be needed — but that is a different conversation. As an individual human, it is okay to find some ways of being of service and to really dedicate solid time and resources to those things, and then to know that many other people are doing the same in other spaces.

Q18:

Howdy AS team,
It feels like every queer person I know is a creator of some kind (music, art, jewelry, writing, etc) and I am not, which often makes me feel not queer enough. I am not the ideas person. But, if someone gives me an idea, I can execute it usually really well (as long as I have a deadline lol).

Where is the space for myself in the queer community as a non-creative? How can we unwind queerness from creativity/creation of products?

A:

Kayla: I think your experiences and feelings are valid, but to be honest, I’m a little confused about the question, especially at the end! I think creativity and “creation of products” are two very different things (the latter sounds more sutured to capitalism than the former). And I’m not sure I understand the use of “we” here either, but maybe I’m overthinking it! Art and creative expression are really important parts of queer history and I’m not sure a universal call to “unwind queerness from creativity” is fair. At the same time, I don’t think “queer” and “creative” are INHERENTLY linked.

I think what your question maybe comes down to is more personal than what that last bit suggests. It sounds like you’re feeling isolated and uncertain of how you fit into your queer community. Even though I am a creative person so I can’t specifically relate to your feelings of feeling outside of that, I do relate to the sentiment of not feeling “queer” enough sometimes, and I’ve had to do a lot of internal unpacking/work around that, because it’s something I’ve had to unlearn! Of course societal factors play a role in this, but only I could really do the work to combat that. I was getting in my own way/struggling with specific insecurities. With so much love, I do think that could be playing a role in what you’re feeling, too. Maybe shift to thinking about what you’re good at/like to do versus what you don’t do. You said yourself: You’re a great ideas person! You thrive on a deadline! Those are great qualities! Celebrate your strengths! I can’t totally tell from your letter, but if you ARE interested in doing creative work in which you’re playing more of a support role in helping others execute your ideas, that’s totally possible! A lot of art is collaborative.

But also if you’re not interested in art at all, that’s totally okay. There are queer people who do a whole range of jobs, hobbies, and activities that have nothing to do with art or making things. I promise you not all queer folks are artists/creatives. If it helps you to hear, I can’t think of a single one of my writer/artist friends who would ever judge someone for not being a writer/artist. If people HAVE been rude or dismissive to you because you’re not an artist, then I’m sorry for that, but that honestly says more about them than it does about you.

Himani: I agree with everything Kayla’s written and I also want to encourage you to consider broadening how you define “creativity.” Arguably, what you described about “if someone gives me an idea, I can execute it usually really well” is exactly how musicians — especially Western classical musicians — operate, ie executing the performance of music written by other people. I also think there’s a lot more creativity involved in STEM than society at large talks about and considers it. Ultimately, it sounds like a lot of your question is coming from the “not feeling queer enough” place which is something I think all of us struggle with in our own ways. But there are a lot of different queer people out there with a lot of different interests and being into the arts or creative doesn’t really have anything to do with queerness. I encourage you to focus on the activities that you’re most interested in and spend your energy connecting with queer people who share those interests. For the rest, who are more in the arts, if they’re telling you you’re “not queer enough,” well that’s their problem and not yours.

Q19:

CW: attempted suicide

Two days ago I found out my older brother tried to commit suicide last week, on what happens to have been my birthday. We aren’t super close but we really like each other, in I guess a classic British family kind of way, to sum it up.

As it happens I had a near death experience the weekend before, but in the opposite way – it was a scary accident for me.

I saw him today, and he seems to be doing okay but unsettled. Although I’ve had the odd bout of depression and permanent anxiety, I have never been anywhere close to suicidal and I am just really struggling to process everything and understand. It was triggered by his job, and where I have been slowly dismantling my capitalist and heteropatriarchal concepts of success for the last decade, he is a straight white man and maybe didn’t have the same portals out of that bullshit that I did. So I’m struggling to empathise with taking work so seriously as well. I feel so lucky to have escaped my near death experience and I can’t believe that he entered his by himself, although I believe it felt like the only option at the time.

Do you have any words of wisdom or resources for dealing with suicidality of a sibling/loved one as kind of an outsider? when you did not see it coming at all? I am feeling devastated and like we have a lucky second chance at life at the same time and just… what can I do

A:

Rachel: This sounds so heartbreaking and scary, and I can’t imagine how many overwhelming things you must be feeling at the same time — scared, maybe guilty for not knowing, maybe upset with him for not telling you, maybe feeling some abandonment that it feels like he tried to leave you, and probably feeling very anxious and worried. I’m getting the sense from your question that you’re struggling to understand, and also maybe feeling some anger (totally understandable!) that you “escaped my near death experience and I can’t believe that he entered his by himself”. I’m not totally clear from your q when you ask ‘what can I do’ whether you’re asking what you can do for yourself to cope w this, or what you can do to support him, or both? So will speak to both a bit maybe!

First, and I feel like you know this, I do think it would be tremendously helpful to see a mental health professional if you aren’t already – any one of the things going on here would be overwhelming to cope with and a capital T trauma, and you’re dealing with a few at once. You’ll be better set up to heal from this and support your brother with more support yourself, and also a good mental health professional has a lot of knowledge about concrete, evidence-based facts about suicidality that can be really helpful as far as figuring out how to be with a loved one who’s experiencing suicidal urges. Even if you can’t enter therapy right now, I think having someplace in your life (not your brother) where you can talk about the feelings this is bringing up for you without judgement or having to manage anyone else’s reaction to it is really key, and I’d really urge you to open up about it where you safely can. A support group of people with similar experiences might be ideal – researching mostly shows me groups for people who have lost someone to suicide, and also based mostly in the US, but this bare-bones guide may be a little bit of comfort if you’re looking for concrete directions.

Second, from the phrasing of your question it’s not clear to me whether you and your brother have directly discussed this yet, or whether maybe you’ve found out about it from another party (your parents?); I’m not sure whether he knows about your experience. I know it can feel tough to figure out how to engage with someone after a big event like this that can feel kind of like a rupture, and the stakes probably feel really high – but from what you’re saying, I think a really good thing for both of you could be to just spend time together and connect. You don’t necessarily need to rescue him or prep a pep talk or have a specific mental health plan; he’s likely feeling scared and isolated and maybe ashamed or guilty, and you’re feeling some of those things too; you can share space with someone you love and work to create some sense of stability in seeing each other and connecting regularly, even if it’s like phone calls or coffee once a week. If you want to talk to him about what happened to you and how you’re feeling, without expectations of specific support, it could also open up possibilities for new kinds of intimacy and closeness for you two to be able to talk about this stuff more. Bottom line, whenever we experience any kind of trauma, one of the most crucial things for healing is just safe, reliable relationships and connection with other people, even if they don’t understand us perfectly or directly process our baggage; it sounds to me like you both really need and deserve that kind of connection right now.

Himani: Totally agree with everything that Rachel has said. I’m sorry about your experience and also what happened with your brother. That is A LOT, and I definitely think making sure you have the space and resources to process all of this is really important. In terms of things that you can do to be there for your brother, there were two things that came to mind to me after reading your question.

First, so, I might be misunderstanding when you say “We aren’t super close but we really like each other, in I guess a classic British family kind of way,” but to me this conveys that perhaps affection and explicit declarations of care aren’t the norm in your relationship with your brother? If that’s the case, perhaps a somewhat straightforward place to start is there — work on incorporating some affection into your relationship, like telling him that you love him and care about him and giving him a hug hello or goodbye when you see each other in person. I grew up in a family where we didn’t do any of this growing up (between me and my sisters or with my parents), and it’s taken me years and years to realize how much these little things matter, particularly at some of my really low moments. It’ll be awkward at first but the more you do it, the more natural it’ll become.

The other thing I’d say is to just let him know that you’re there for him and that you’re open to chatting any time. I hear you when you say that “maybe [he] didn’t have the same portals out of that bullshit.” That also means he might not have a whole lot of people who he feels like he can talk to about what’s going on. Offer him space to talk about things if he wants to and then listen and be supportive without being judgemental. He may be on a different part of his journey with regards to dismantling capitalism than you are, but that doesn’t negate his experiences or feelings, and it also doesn’t mean that you don’t have anything to offer to him in talking about this stuff either, if you can have an open conversation about it.

Q20:

Hey!

I’ve written y’all to *death* in the last year… and I’m back with another question.

TLDR; I’m a seriously traumatized Capricorn with various mental illnesses and disabilities, and I’m in a stable and loving long-distance relationship but I can’t help but think about the greener grass of slut-dom and single-dom. Is it just me being unaccustomed to stability? Or am I done done?

We met through tinder over summer break, and a one night stand turned into a three night stand turned into long distance dating turned into a long distance relationship. We lived together for two months in the middle before I moved cities for work, and now we’re three hundred miles away and I am thriving and she hates it.

When it comes to homelife we’re super compatible! Great sex, similar schedules, matching taste in movies and we can talk for *hours.* We’re politically aligned and she’s also gorgeous.

But. Out and about we’re less so. She’s autistic, and I have ADHD, so while I’ve been working super hard on routines and always taking earplugs when we go places and checking in if she’s overstimulated… I’m also a bit of a wild child. I love doing things on the fly, and loud music, and up and leaving at the drop of a hat to start a new life somewhere else.

I’ve spent the last five years moving around the world in a wildly unstable career, and she’s been in school. And while I love her and I love our time together… I don’t know how to reconcile those differences. The idea of settling down with one person in one place scares the shit out me, but that’s also all I’ve ever wanted so I’m confused.

Uh… help? Thanks!

A:

Himani: Friend, I think you have some really deep soul searching to do here, unfortunately. Reading your last sentence (“The idea of settling down with one person in one place scares the shit out me, but that’s also all I’ve ever wanted so I’m confused.”), I want to say that I think you aren’t alone in that confusion and uncertainty. A lot of people struggle with this exact issue because society places a lot of pressures on all of us to settle down. Generally, this manifests in one of two ways: some people have a propensity to rush into settling down because it’s what’s expected of them while others refuse to settle down in order to subvert those expectations for the sake of subverting them. It’s really, really hard to pare this down to your core and find out what it is you actually want, rather than doing something because it’s what is expected or simply for the sake of defying what’s expected.

The truth is, there is no “right” answer — it’s a trade off. If you stay in this relationship that you love, that does mean losing some of the freedom and spontaneity that you love in life. If you let go of this relationship, you might be able to have that spontaneity you crave, but you’ll also be letting go of someone you really clearly love quite a bit. One of those choices isn’t better than the other, one of them doesn’t make you a better person, one of them doesn’t necessarily make you more authentic or true to yourself than the other, one of them doesn’t ensure that you’ll have love and happiness in your life forever, one of them doesn’t ensure that you’ll have joy and freedom in your life forever. It’s just a matter of what it is that you want right now.

The other thing that stands out to me in your letter is when you say, “now we’re three hundred miles away and I am thriving and she hates it.” I’m a little unclear on what it is that your girlfriend hates — the long distance? Or something else about the dynamic between you? You say that she’s been in school for five years while you’ve moved all over, and that also leaves me wondering if your girlfriend has been settled in one place because that’s what she was looking for or if school was confining her ability to move around the same way you did? Do you know if she would hate the idea of “up and leaving”? I’m guessing she would based on what you say about routines but I don’t want to assume that because those aren’t necessarily the same thing. Do you know what she wants long term out of her life generally and also in terms of your relationship? Is she looking to settle down in one place?

I think one thing that a lot of people struggle with is wanting their partner to be everything to them. Are there ways in which you can strike a balance here? For instance, could you have a more settled life that involves routines and managing stimuluses with your girlfriend while punctuating that with time (vacations, weekend getaways, etc.) you spend with other friends who share your desire for adventure, loud settings and spontaneity? Would that satisfy what you’re looking for? You briefly mention at the beginning of your letter, “I can’t help but think about the greener grass of slut-dom and single-dom” — would opening up your relationship give you some of the excitement you’re looking for? Is that a conversation you’ve had with your girlfriend to see if she would be interested in an alternate relationship arrangement? And maybe the answer to all of these questions is no — maybe having scheduled vacation adventures with your friends feels too prescriptive and not spontaneous enough (also, I recognize that the pandemic makes this especially difficult right now, but try to think about it long term). Maybe you personally aren’t interested in an open relationship yourself. That’s also fine too, but I think it would be helpful to think a little more expansively and creatively about how you can get your various needs and desires met through a variety of relationships (not just romantic or sexual, but also friendships) and experiences in your life, in addition to your relationship with your girlfriend.

I realize I’ve asked you more questions in my reply without really answering yours, but this is why I say I think you need to do some soul searching. I don’t think anyone can really answer the question you’re asking other than you. I think having some conversations with your girlfriend will be helpful to get clarity on what she’s looking for (in case you haven’t had those conversations already). Also chat with your friends or family who know you and see what they think because they might help you see perspectives and sides of yourself that you’re currently overlooking. They might also have more concrete ideas to offer you, as well. But ultimately, what you’re grappling with is a decision that is really a trade off, and I personally find that those decisions are among the hardest in life to make.

Q21:

Hey y’all,

hope you’re keeping safe n sound in this mad panderium we’re all still in.

I’m trying to make things work with my girlfriend because I don’t want to cut her out of my life. My ideal is we break up and reconnect later down the track as friends, and I know that’s selfish. She’s said that she would not want to be friends, and as hard as that was to hear I have to respect it. She came to visit me (LDR,), and I broke up with her. Then she coerced me into not breaking up, agreed to go on a break, and then two days into the break said she wasn’t okay with being on a break.

We’re back together and she’s agreed to couples therapy after she’s finished her degree, but that’s two month away. And on my end, my problem is with her poor communication skills. We have fun and I like hanging out, but I’d rather be friends and this is so hard. Help? Reality check me? I already know what you’re gonna say, but I can’t accept it’s done.

A:

Ro: I think you know that you need to end this relationship. You already tried to do it once and you’re still clear on the fact that you’d rather be friends. Unfortunately, I don’t think you can get everything you want here.

You and your girlfriend want different things — you want to break up and be friends after some time has passed. She wants to stay in the relationship, and if it ends, she doesn’t want to stay in touch. I think you need to prioritize your happiness in the present instead of worrying about a friendship that you may or may not still want in a few months or a few years.

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