Welcome to the 40th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now, with the second A+ box of each month on a theme.

This is a special, extra edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in line with our Spaces & Places folio. Spaces & Places is a three-week series focusing on the private and community areas we occupy, the ways we personalize them, and the meanings that we assign to them. Organized and edited by Meg Jones Wall.

August’s theme is MAKING ADULT FRIENDS!Send us your questions about meeting people, initiating friendships, and navigating the wild world of making friends as a gay adult! Try to get your questions in by MONDAY AUGUST 9 so they can be included.

And just as an FYI, you do in fact look fantastic today ;) Let’s dig in!

Q1:

I just bought a new house after a divorce and want to FINALLY have my space reflect me. I don’t know where to start? How do I pick main pieces and move on? Should I begin with a sofa, table, bed frame or rug?

A:

Vanessa: I personally would begin with a bed and everything that goes along with it. To me, where I sleep is such an intimate, special thing, and especially after a major breakup (I’ve never been married so I’ve never been divorced, but hopefully my perspective is useful regardless) I find myself wanting to recenter my sleep space as somewhere just for me. A close friend just got divorced and when she moved into her new place she promptly bought herself the most gorgeous sunbeam-shaped headboard, and even before she was ready to really take on the world again, making her bed such a sunny and powerful space helped her heal. I also think there’s no shame in going slow. Find pieces you love love love and build around that. If everyone has to sit on the floor for a while because you’re not sure which sofa really says THIS IS ME, that’s fine! Take your time. You’re rebuilding your life. Start literally wherever you want, and then go from there. And: congratulations! I’m really excited for you.

Meg: Hi, I just did this and I totally understand how overwhelming it can feel! Vanessa’s advice is really great and I absolutely second beginning with an anchor piece or two and building a room around that. For some people that will be a large focal point, like a bed, a headboard, or a sofa — but it can also be artwork, a cushion or throw, a rug, or even a collection of crystals or books or trinkets. What sparks joy in you? What do you love to look at? Get inspiration from that piece in terms of color and shape, then play with texture and size, layering in different kinds of decor and furniture that all ties back to those anchors. I understand the desire to see the space come together as quickly as possible but if you give yourself permission to be choosy, to take your time and invest in pieces you absolutely love, the end result is going to be a space that you adore spending time in and showing off.

I highly encourage you to check out Queer Decor 101 and 102, which offer some great advice on the process of designing and organizing your space. We also did a big shop roundup of queer-owned housewares that can help you find that hero piece of your dreams and give you a place to start. Congratulations and good luck on building your house of dreams!

Kayla: This is a big question that can be answered in a lot of different ways! I like what other folks have said so far, and I just want to offer this very specific (but I think helpful) piece of advice: Start with the sofa. Of course starting with the bed is important in terms of making your place really feels like yours, but since the sofa is (presumably) living in a different part of the house, it’s fine if your bed and sofa aesthetics don’t perfectly match. The reason I think you should start with the sofa is mostly logistical! Sofas have notoriously long wait/shipping times—pretty much regardless of price point and style. They take forever. They require a lot of time/planning in terms of how to physically get it into your space (a house is easier than an apartment though!). And almost everyone I know has had some sort of bad sofa experience? It’ll be a little easier if you’re not necessarily picky about the style of the sofa, but if you have a certain look/fabric/color in mind, get started ASAP. If you don’t have a specific look in mind, I recommend window shopping at a big box store like Ashley or IKEA and actually trying some out. Even if you don’t go with one from any of those places, it’ll give you a sense of what you like (leather vs vinyl vs cotton vs blend; sectional vs one piece; etc). Also measure your space to know what size will be best! Sofas really set the tone for a living space, and if you’re the kind of person who likes to get cozy on the couch with some pals, maybe something squishier and wider is your vibe! Once you have the sofa figured out, it’s easy to pick cozy home decor and additional furniture to match it.

Ro: I’ve never been married or divorced, but I have ended multiple long-term relationships that included cohabitation. When decorating a solo space after a breakup, here’s what I’ve prioritized: all of the pieces and colors that I love and my ex hates. This might sound petty, but stick with me: anytime you share a home with someone, whether that’s a partner, a spouse, a family member or a roommate, you have to compromise on some things. And one of the best parts of living on your own is not having to compromise at all. Have you always wanted to paint a wall black? Do it! Do you want a whole shelving unit dedicated to your Pez dispenser collection? Make it happen! Are you a maximalist at heart who begrudgingly styled your former home to fit your ex’s minimalist aesthetic? Fill your place with color and curios. It’s yours and yours alone.

Q2:

How do you make your rental home feel genuinely you? How do you welcome to your trans and queer friends, especially if there’s financial differences between you? Am I overworrying about other people’s imagined feelings about my place being too fancy? (Probably – my friends usually aren’t as worried about this but … as the one friend who makes WAY more money, I want to be thoughtful). TBH most hgtv design, decor and supporting suggestions are for people who buy their homes – the divide between friends who are buyers and renters can be hard. Please help me find a way to straddle this divide, I like my friends and want them to be comfortable, and want me to stop feeling guilty over making good money. The better choice would be to donate to supporting groups for sex workers, latinx, disabled and trans peeps.

A:

Kayla: I do think this is stemming from a place of guilt or some other deeply personal factors. I kind of doubt your friends are going to judge you or feel bad about themselves if you have nice things. If you feel guilty about being able to afford those things, I do think you could redirect that energy into tangible reparations/redistribution of your wealth. Because buying cheap things for your home in order to be thoughtful toward folks who can’t afford pricey things…doesn’t actually do anything. I say buy the things you want to buy. I personally LOVE to spend time in the homes of friends with super fancy shit. If you’re comfortable in your home, it’ll be easier for you to make others feel comfortable in your home, so start with you. Think less about how much stuff costs and more about creating a cozy, welcoming space with ample seating and homey touches like plants and candles. Your friends probably just want a place where they can chill, hang out, and connect. They’re not looking at the price tags.

Nicole: Another thing to think about is that, if you have the budget, you can be intentional about purchasing items for your home from small businesses. We just did a Round-Up of 30 Queer-Owned Houseware Shops and you can also look locally for lists of Black-owned, women-owned, queer-owned, etc. businesses that you can buy from. Then, you’ve directed your money back into your communities and the people and kinds of businesses you want to support (which is not the same as donating, because you are getting things, just to be clear), instead of just upgrading to a more expensive big box retailer (Where does the money go? To billionaires who go to space?). Like, buying all of your plates from a local potter (who then likely also puts that money back into local stuff) is going to have a positive impact on an artist, and also, you get really unique nice stuff. And then, yes, as a completely professionally biased person, I think it’s always a good idea, once you can afford it, to have money regularly budgeted (monthly, biweekly, however you budget) for donations.

Q3:

Wow I have two:

How can I make vacuuming less the total worst?

Are there any tips for making couch-type furniture cat-proof that don’t involve changing the behaviour of my cats too radically, because they are perfect angels who have dominion over my apartment?

A:

Riese: Splurge on a Dyson Cyclone v8 or v10 — you can usually get one deeply discounted during sale periods of time (like Black Friday, post-Christmas, Labor Day, Memorial Day, etc) if you shop around enough. It’s cordless and light and beautiful and SUPER easy to use. It will make vacuuming not the worst. You will feel powerful and in control of your life and your choices.

Meg: I can’t help you with the cat, but I also really deeply truly hate vacuuming and put it off for as long as possible. My best tip is to put your headphones in, play a song you love to dance or move to, and make the vacuum your dance partner. Sometimes I also give myself a reward afterwards, even though vacuuming takes literally five minutes because I live in an apartment in Brooklyn — but hey, it works.

Kayla: Maybe others will have a different opinion, but I actually do not think “pet proof” furniture is really a thing. Sure, there are sprays out there that supposedly work (but I think you have to spray your furniture like every day??). Leather is expensive but much harder for cats to tear up than softer/woven upholstery (they’re also easier to keep hair-free). Microfiber is cheaper but harder to get hair off of and even though it’s also difficult for cats to shred, it’s still possible they can mess it up. I’ve put double-sided tape on a couch before to discourage scratching, and it technically worked but also looked ugly and had to be reapplied regularly. I do honestly think you’re better off with a behavioral approach. It’s harder with older cats but still possible, and it doesn’t require punishment or treating your cats like anything other than the perfect angel babies they are! I’m a big fan of the redirection approach: If your cat starts clawing at the furniture, move them to a scratching post. In the beginning, keep the post close-ish to the problem furniture. Have scratching pads in addition to posts. Cats will be drawn to their own smell on the furniture, so use a pet-safe room spray on the furniture until they gradually become more used to the scratching posts over the furniture. You can gradually move the scratching posts away from the furniture once they get more used to it.

As for the vacuuming thing, my partner is the one who does the vacuuming in our household, but she absolutely swears by having an expensive vacuum and has pretty much said it changed her life lol. You can often get ones on sale/with significant coupons at Target, Bed Bath & Beyond, and Best Buy. They get very pricey, so keep an eye out for those deals. The expensive vacuums work faster, are lighter weight, and are more powerful. Cordless ones are great because you don’t have to worry about unplugging and moving between rooms (if you have a bigger space). For pet hair, the robot vacuums are also a gamechanger. Robot vacuums won’t get EVERYTHING up, but they make it so you have to physically vacuum a little less and they find pet hair in all the nooks and crannies of your home.

Nicole: A slightly lower-priced step down from the Dyson is a Bissell. We have a version like this one, and it works pretty well for picking up malamute-mystery-mix (Mya’s) hair, and she is a 75lb arctic breed so you know this vacuum works hard. While not as light and cordless as more expensive vacuums, it does detach from the bottom so that you can more easily go up stairs.

Himani: Seconding Riese’s Dyson Cyclone v8 recommendation! It is truly the game changer in vacuuming. It’s light and it comes with a pretty incredible upholstery attachment which means getting cat hair off a couch has never been easier.

Also seconding Kayla that I don’t think there’s such a thing as pet proofing furniture unless you own furniture that is not upholstered at all, which would probably not be very comfortable. That said, there’s a whole market for Ikea sofa covers on Etsy that may be worth giving a shot so that your cats are ripping up the cover and not the actual sofa itself and the covers would be easier to wash and replace after they are completely tatters. If you don’t have an Ikea sofa, I’d still poke around Etsy because I’m sure someone has created a cover for whatever sofa it is you do own.

Q4:

How would you arrange your plants, coffee/tea supplies, and dog treats in this corner of my kitchen? I hate that the plants are sorta hidden by the dog and coffee stuff but those are super essential to be easy to access. Any tips? Thanks!

A:

Meg: How do you feel about putting the coffee, teas, and treats into pretty containers? I always like to have a million kinds of treats for my dog but those bags take up a lot of space and are rarely attractive. And tea boxes get out of hand so quickly! If you got some glass or ceramic canisters, or some mason jars, and consolidated the tea and treats into them, they would likely give you a better view of your plants while still being easy to access.

Kayla: I know this is a big change, but my suggestion is to get rid of all those small shelving units and instead get a large vertical shelving unit to go against the wall on the right of this photo. Maybe the picture isn’t giving me a totally accurate view, but it looks like there’s plenty of space for a large cabinet/shelving unit there. That way there’s nothing in front of the windows and your plants can instead be the center of attention there. I do feel like a lot of what is on these small shelves can be consolidated. I’m a fan of the Ikea Kallax, which might be a good size for that wall. You can buy all sorts of different kinds of inserts for the Kallax that basically work as baskets/drawers so that everything is not visible but still easy to get to (I like leaving some of the shelves open and some with the inserts. Also, Target has the same kind of cubed shelving units for half the price and you can probably find lookalikes elsewhere. I just think one bigger shelving piece is going to create a cleaner work versus having several small ones (and probably actually give you more space!).

Carolyn I agree with Kayla on getting rid of all the units and replacing them with a single intentional one, except that I recommend horizontal shelving wall-mounted under the window. Still at IKEA, I like the Besta line, which comes in various widths, heights, and depths and which you can customize to be exactly what you need. Specifically, I’d suggest a mix of closed and open shelving, so all the smaller supplies that you decide to keep are tucked away behind a cupboard door and you’re free to admire the things, like plants, that you actually want to see.

Q5:

Hi Autostraddle!

I’m having some trouble creating a space that’s truly my own because of my neighbors. My space sometimes doesn’t feel safe or my own at night because of noise or pot smells invading it from below. This has kinda turned me into an insomniac because my body can’t relax enough to sleep. Wondering if y’all have any guidance on how to talk to neighbors about problematic behaviors. I’m always afraid of coming off as too demanding or rude, so then I don’t say anything and just remain unhappy in the long run.

Best,
M

A:

Ro: When you live in an apartment building, you’re signing up to deal with other peoples’ sounds and smells within reason. If you think your neighbors are making an unreasonable amount of noise or if they’re making lots of noise when you’re sleeping, then it’s totally ok (and not rude at all) to talk to them about it. They might have no idea how loud they sound and will be happy you told them.

When you talk to your neighbors about their noise and pot smoke, keep your request doable and specific (“Could you please turn down your TV/ music after 11pm on weeknights?” or “Could you please smoke on your back porch instead of inside?”, etc.). There are certainly unreasonable demands (I once had a neighbor demand that I stop walking around my apartment after 8pm), but it sounds like you’re being really thoughtful about this, so I think there’s a strong chance that your request will be well-received.

Of course, some neighbors are assholes and they might refuse to change their behavior. If that happens, ask your management company for support. Most apartment buildings have rules about smoking and have designated quiet hours, and a formal email from a landlord can remind your neighbors of those guidelines. If all else fails, get a cheap white noise machine and earplugs and start planning to get out of your lease. You deserve to live in a home where you feel comfortable and happy.

Kayla: It’s indeed okay to make reasonable requests of neighbors, but it’s also true that apartment living usually means having to deal with other people’s lives and behaviors. If you do want to make a reasonable request of your neighbors about noise levels during certain times, it’s best to have these conversations in person. I know that can be anxiety-inducing, but leaving a note almost always seems passive aggressive. Be respectful and understanding and have a conversation with them. If the noise is affecting your sleep cycle, say that. I also recommend getting a white noise machine and diffuser for your space to mitigate some of the issues!

Nicole: Yes to all the awesome info above about talking to your neighbors! Also, if the floors / walls in your apartment are thin and you’re sensitive to sound, you can try some basic sound insulation. A few extra throw rugs (an expense, I know) might help dampen sound from below, and you can also use white noise machines (or honestly, a really loud fan) to help take the edge off things so you can sleep. If the noise drifts in through windows, it’s ugly, but honestly putting sheets of styrofoam in your windows at night might help absorb some of that. Also, more soft things on your walls will help absorb sound and keep it from bouncing around as much. What are these things? It’s up to you, but they can range from curtains to tapestries. I love looking at all the curtain options on Society 6. Also, ”here is this AS arcticle by Carolyn on soundproofing your room for kinky sex that contains some helpful tips about soundproofing your doors (like if sound is leaking in through a hallway). These tips don’t cover situations with, like, egregiously loud noises that are inappropriate and inconsiderate on your neighbors’ end, but are solid, general things you can do when you’re just near people. Of course, if your apartment is filling with smoke / pot smells, I think the only real solution is for you to talk to them about that. And finally, while every apartment situation includes neighbors and their lives and noises, you can also consider a move to a different apartment, but there might be noise there, too!

Himani: We had an issue in our building of someone who smoked pot constantly. I mean literally like 24/7. It was a problem, and no amount of reasonable conversation with him or his landlord changed the behavior. In the end, the woman who lived above him and really bore the brunt of it ended up moving. It sucks, but if you’re finding the situation untenable and if you talk to your neighbor and/or the management company and the behavior doesn’t change, moving may (unfortunately) be your best option. As others have said, there is some amount of dealing with noises and smells that comes with communal living, but everyone has their own limits around what is sustainable for them. If this situation is turning you into an insomniac then it sounds like you’re approaching your limits around this and so, in addition to trying to resolve this with the neighbor, it might also be worth looking into new housing options for whenever your lease is up.

Q6:

In the last year, I have figured out that it’s very, very hard for me to be fully relaxed and feel like I can have “me time” when I am not fully physically alone in a space. I live with my best friend, whose job until recently had them traveling half the time, home half the time, which was a great arrangement for both of us. Now that their job has changed and they’re home all the time, I struggle to make the physical and mental space to let myself chill out even with another human around. Luckily they’re someone that I feel very comfortable communicating with, so we’ve had conversations about this and it’s gotten easier. My friend is moving out for unrelated reasons in a couple months, but in the hypothetical future I would like to be able to live with a partner and to feel like my full self while doing it. Outside of open communication, do you guys have practical tips for introverts/people pleasers on sharing living spaces with other humans? The most helpful thing we’ve figured out has been making a designated space for me outside of my bedroom, but I’m sure there are more approaches to tackling this challenge!

A:

Kayla: Obviously, if you have to live with another person due to financial reasons or other circumstances, then you’ll need to develop some ways to be more comfortable with cohabitation (having a designated spot outside of your bedroom is def a good move!). But I also just hope that you know it’s totally fine to want to live alone. Cohabitation is not a requirement for partnership. There are plenty of people who live separately from their partners. It’s an option! That said, if you do want to live with a partner one day and just want to know some tips for how to best deal with that as an introvert who needs lots of alone time, there are plenty of options for that, too! I think it’s good to be upfront with anyone you’re living with about the fact you need alone time and space. Whether it’s a potential partner or just a new roommate, it’s good to establish these things from the start and come up with a plan. In fact, if you do end up looking for a new roommate, you can even seek out someone who either similarly needs time alone (so they’ll understand your point of view) or who has a job that keeps them out of the house a lot (this is more tricky with the ongoing pandemic, obviously). You’re your own best advocate, so vocalize your needs and expectations! Living with someone else always requires compromise, work, and communication. It’s likely going to feel different with different people, so go into these conversations with the understanding that you’ll have to work together to create the ideal home environment. The more honest you are, the better!

Ro: I second Kayla’s advice — you don’t have to cohabitate with a partner, and there are plenty of long-term couples who live separately and are happier that way. That said, if you decide to shack up with a partner, here are a few ideas from a fellow introvert:

1. Get a two-bedroom home if you can afford it. That way, you each have your own designated space with a door. This is also a great setup for partners who work drastically different hours and/or have different sleep cycles.

2. Schedule your alone time like it’s an appointment. Then put it in a shared google calendar and agree to get out of the house during your partner’s alone time and ask them to do the same for you.

3. If you and/ or your partner have flexible work schedules or get to set your own hours, arrange your work schedules so that you each get some time at home alone on a regular basis.

And finally, make sure you’re dating someone who respects your needs. Some of us need more alone time than others in order to be our best selves, and that’s ok! We just need to be with people who understand and support that.

Carolyn: I completely and totally understand not feeling like you have alone time unless the total living space or possibly building you are in is physically vacant of other people – not in a different room, but totally gone. Communicating around this early and often is part of being successful, but communication only goes so far when it comes to, say, sharing space in a pandemic. In a shared living situation, I accomplish this by pretending, with love in my heart, like the other person simply does not exist when they are in their part of the space. I also love a white noise machine or fan, incense or another way to fill my space with a smell that feels like mine, and taking a long shower with my phone blasting in the (turned off, dry) sink followed by an even longer moisturizer routine when all else fails.

Finally, I also check in with myself around why I want total alone time, because for me I need it far more when the person or people with whom I’m sharing space are pushing my boundaries in some way and I need to course-correct.

Q7:

I’m moving to Europe next month, and will be living with my girlfriend who is in medical school there. I’ll be moving into the apartment she’s lived in for a year. We lived together in NYC for part of the pandemic, but this is the first time we’re doing a longer term, more intentional cohabitation. How can I feel her apartment is now /our/ apartment? How can I create alone time in a one bedroom space?

A:

Kayla: It’s tricky but not impossible to carve out alone time/personal space within a small apartment. Does the apartment have a bathtub? One really nice way to treat yourself is to buy a nice bathtub tray to elevate the bath experience—especially one with a place to set a book! I use mine all the time. Bath bombs, candles, etc. can also make it feel really nice and luxurious! And it’s something you get to enjoy completely alone. If you don’t like baths/there isn’t a bathtub, is there a corner of the apartment that can be turned into a tiny nook? All you need is a cozy chair or even some floor cushions to make a little nook. I suggest taking a look at Pinterest for some ideas. If alone time is important to you, talk about that with your girlfriend (if you haven’t already). If you’re able to create a nook or a sick bathtime setup, then tell your girlfriend that when you’re in those spaces you’d like to be left alone for a bit. If the apartment doesn’t have its own designated outside space, is there a nearby outside space like a park you can go to sometimes? Be intentional about seeking space within your own home, too. Maybe one night your girlfriend wants to go out with friends but you just want to stay in—listen to yourself! There will be times when your girlfriend will be out of the apartment, and you can make sure you use that time to do whatever it is you like to do alone and reset.

Now, as for making the space feel like it belongs to both of you, that’s always a struggle when it comes to moving into someone else’s home. If you haven’t already, this is another conversation to have with your girlfriend. Make sure she understands that while you’re respectful of the fact that this was her home first, you want to work with her to make it feel more shared and less like you’re intruding. Sometimes just naming that can help right off the bat! But my other recommendation would be to actually get some things together for the apartment. Obviously she shouldn’t be expected to replace all her furniture or anything like that. But maybe y’all could buy new bedding together or new sets of towels. It sounds small, but those are things you see/use every day, so they’re important to a home. And buying them together will allow you to have some say in the look and feel of the place. Getting other things like plants and art together is also great! Make sure you feel like you have space for your things, and if it doesn’t feel that way, have a conversation.

Ro: I love Kayla’s suggestion to get some items for the apartment together. I also recommend putting up some of your art or photos of your family and friends. Wall decor can really make a place feel like your own.

Finding alone time in a small space can be tricky, but it’s totally possible — sometimes you just have to schedule that time in. Figure out how much alone time will make you feel like your best, most comfortable self and ask your partner to do the same. Then schedule your alone time in a shared google calendar and make your plans around that. Maybe you can schedule some of your alone time while your partner is at school, and maybe your partner can schedule alone time when you’re out with friends. If you find yourself needing more space outside of those scheduled hours, a long solo walk can be rejuvenating, too.

Q8:

Hi there, AS crew! I am so grateful for this special edition of the advice box, since this theme really resonates with the situation that I’m in. I’m 21 years-old, and back in December 2019, I was illegally evicted from my home. I had already been living on my own since I had just turned 17– during that time, I had taken in a friend of mine who was homeless already (I’ll call them Shay!) and was supporting both of us financially when my family found out where we lived and successfully got us turned out of our home. We had two days to throw away all of our belongings, surrender our pets, and flee the city in the middle of the night so that my family couldn’t trace us again. Shay and I were homeless through the pandemic, bouncing around place to place while I worked overtime in unsafe conditions to secure and keep a roof over both our heads. It has been two years, and we are in a place of relative security (I mean, we have houseplants now! Sweet victory!). We share a single room together, but recently I was given the tremendous opportunity to move into a place with my partner– and the biggest benefit of the new place is that I’d have some financial relief for the first time in years. Shay has not been able to find stable employment in the three years that I’ve known them, for multiple reasons, including the fact that he is visibly black, trans, and autistic in a major city that wants to erase his existence.

I have been the sole earner of income for the both of us since we lived together, and this is something that we have had to navigate through the lens of our experiences of being homeless together. We have a very healthy relationship, bolstered by communication and understanding (any other badass Virgo/Virgo pairs out there??), and we have had a lot of discussion up until this point about how to effectively transition ourselves so that I can leave the apartment and Shay can become financially self-sufficient, and this includes me paying rent for an extra month or two so that they can build some savings on their own. We are very excited about this new development, for both of us, as it’s a point we have been hoping to get to for a long time! But with this new chapter coming in, I have come to a heartbreaking realization on my own. For the past two years, in all of the different places we have drifted through, I have worked overtime hours for multiple jobs in multiple cities just to scrape by, and I’ve realized that I’ve spent so much time fixating on our survival that I have never really settled into our space. Most of my time in the apartment is spent eating in-between shifts, or maybe sleeping in our shared bed once or twice a week. When I look around our room, Shay’s side looks lived-in and a part of themselves; on mine, it’s a folded up comforter with a pillow tucked into one corner of the bed. When I leave, it’s going to be with only the same things I brought with me, but even more than that… it’s apparent that when I go, it will be like I was never there to begin with.

When you’re homeless, you understand two things: 1) Space is a resource, and those who are privileged to hold onto it get to have that space as part of their self-understanding, their identity. 2) When you’ve gone through housing insecurity or have to travel between temporary shelters, your presence within a space is forced to be non-existent. I have not had the privilege to have space, nor to fully exist inside it, and this has been the case for a long, long time. I wish I could say that the experience itself of this emptiness is enough to take with me, but the truth is, I’m only 21. I lived all my late teenage years without feeling a sense of place, and even before that, the story of my Japanese-American family is that of being forcibly moved into a space that we were told was not our own, and that we must exist as something else in order to live, or to not exist at all. Even more than that, there is a rift in that identity from being queer and disowned from my family and culture.

There is so much space in me, or around me, and very little which I can tether myself to understand who I am or where I want to go. All of these things ask the question: how can I grieve the space that is not my own? How can I find ways to inhabit new spaces that are unfamiliar to me, that don’t have memories or family or experiences attached to them? I’ll be living in a new city with a new person, bringing very little with me and probably finding a totally new life while I’m there. Usually, people get the privilege of bringing all the experiences with them from their previous chapter into the new one, but what if my past is void of those things, too? Thank you so much for your time! I will say that I’ve been an avid member of AS since I was 17, and this community is one of the few things that has come with me in all of my time drifting. Sending you all as much joy as you have given me!

A:

Himani: First, I want to applaud you for everything you’ve already done by the age of 21. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult and scary it must have been to be 17 and completely on your own. And then on top of that, to have the strength to support another person in addition to yourself? You’re truly a remarkable person. I really, really deeply mean that. I can’t speak to the experience of homelessness, at all, and I really appreciate how much of yourself and your experience you’ve shared. Your points in your third paragraph about how the experience of homelessness has shaped your perspective on space and place have honestly given me a lot to think about.

Honestly, I don’t know if what I’m about to say will be helpful to you or not, but here are some thoughts I have on what you’ve shared. When I think about the sum total of everything you’ve written and the questions you’re asking at the end, the main thing I’m left wondering is how much time have you had to process your experiences and everything that’s happened in the last few years? I’m guessing not a whole lot, given what you’ve described about working overtime to keep things going. One of the luxuries of having a little more financial security that I hope you’ll be able to take advantage of is having the freedom to just sit and reflect on your life, uninterrupted by thoughts about making ends meet in the day to day right now.

When it comes to your final question — that you’re unable to bring the experiences from your previous chapter to the next one — I wonder if this is perhaps a matter of framing? It sounds a little like you’re saying that because you have no physical possessions from the previous chapters and no family connections that you have nothing to carry with you into your next phase. But, you have yourself and all the memories and experiences you carry with you, the good and the bad, the ones that have shaped you all along the way. I’m sure that sounds really corny, but I absolutely believe it’s true. Perhaps, after you’ve had some time to reflect on it, you’ll find that you’re able to frame this differently for yourself, or maybe you’ll find that there is no other way to look at it. Either way, I think there’s a real grief tied up in all of this, and I hope you’re able to give yourself some time to really process that. You ask about grieving for a space that isn’t your own, but I wonder if part of your grief is about having been in that situation in the first place?

Also, I don’t know if this will be possible for you or not, given the circumstances, but I hope you’re able to maintain your friendship with Shay and, if so, that relationship will be another connection between the present you are leaving and the future you’re stepping into.

If you haven’t already, you might consider looking into whether the city you’re moving to has an LGBTQ+ center, or even a general community center, and whether they have any kind of mental health services or group counseling. Given everything you’ve gone through, that may be a helpful place to just share and process some of your experiences. I know this is far removed from your questions around taking up space when space itself is such a luxury in the first place, but I personally have found that part of taking up space is about being able to do that from an emotional and mental place, in addition to having the financial resources to do that. Sometimes, after we’ve gone through long experiences where we’ve been told that we can’t take up space, that space isn’t something we can lay claims to, it can be really helpful to give voice to how those experiences have shaped us and start to examine the ways in which we’ve internalized them so that we can decide how much we want to continue to carry forward. That process in and of itself can be very useful in laying some of the groundwork of starting to feel comfortable taking up space.

That said, there are some mundane things that can be difficult to navigate when moving to a new city. Common small talk often involves asking people about where they lived previously and why they moved. You probably already know this, but I just want to remind you that you have no obligation to answer these questions or share more than you feel comfortable sharing in new settings. I personally find it helpful beforehand to practice responses that are honest but within my comfort zone about sharing how much I want to say about a particular situation so that I’m prepared when people ask. I also find it helpful to redirect conversations into directions where I don’t have to talk about the past if I don’t want to — for instance, talking about things that are happening in your new city or questions you have about the new city, things you want to explore and so on. You are, of course, also well within your rights to take up space in those conversations and speak openly about your experiences as much as you would like, even if it seems like it’s a “heavy” topic or that people might not want to talk about it; if you want to talk about it, then I would say it’s fair game. But you get to set the terms of that in any way you’d like.

At the end of it all, I’m not really sure that I’ve answered your actual questions and maybe I’ve said things you’ve already thought about or are already planning to do. I think sometimes when we come from a particularly painful and difficult past that has involved a lot of severing of ties or even a lack of ties where we thought there should be, it can feel like we have nothing from which to move forward in our lives. But part of the beauty of growing up is being able to build things in the places we didn’t have them when we were younger. I sincerely hope this new move for you is one of those opportunities — to build relationships, to build memories, to lay claim to a space as your own. Even if you feel like you have nothing to bring to it, you still get to make it your own by trying out new things and imprinting it with the things you like. I hope that you have some freedom outside of work to explore your city, try out new activities, join social groups, volunteer, just meet a lot of people and start to build your own network of friends and expand on your interests. In all of it, I really truly wish you all the best.

Q9:

Any tips on how to make a place a little more calm and grown-up with a two-year-old running around? Almost all of our home projects are left in some level of not-complete/not-started, and all shelves or surfaces the toddler can’t reach have become catch-all junk drawers. It may just be the pandemic, but most days I’ve lost all motivation for making my home the recharging place I want it to be, and I know the clutter-funk impacts my mental health (it’s a bummer cycle). Any tangible tips to address the (endearing and exhausting) chaos of my space? Thank you! The picture is of a neighbor’s old TV cabinet turned office/seed storage/craft supply/game closet/toy spot. This is kind of a microcosm of my life.

A:

Kayla: I apologize if this is an annoying answer, especially since I don’t have kids, but in my experiences with younger cousins and other little kids in my life, a two-year-old is always going to make a household pretty chaotic. It’s hard to avoid! There’s no easy solution! Maybe those home projects don’t get finished until your kid’s a little bit older—and that’s okay! Most people can’t afford consistent, long-term childcare, and short of that, it’s really hard to get things done in the house! That said, your mental health is important. And if clutter impacts your mental health, then something needs to be done. It seems like you’re already on this based on the pic, but baskets are your friend. The more you can simplify the clean-up process, the better, so being able to just throw things in baskets is great. But also, as I’m sure you know, it’s hard to keep spaces clean and organized for very long with a little one running around. Cleaning as you go throughout the day might not be the best approach, because you’ll end up re-cleaning too much. Picking things up/cleaning at the end of the day could limit the amount of times you’re having to tidy up. Also, toddlers can totally learn to clean up alongside you if you haven’t begun that yet. It’s not like they’ll perfectly clean up lol but it’s a way to feel like you’re still hanging out with your kid while also getting some things picked up. Again, not a catch-all solution by any means but just something to think about and to include your kid in the clean up process. I do think things will get easier, especially when your kid is of school age because it means more time in the house without them. Remind yourself that it won’t ALWAYS feel this way. Remind yourself that sometimes the chaos is unavoidable. Make sure you have a space within your home that does feel like yours and focus on maintaining a lack of clutter there. If your kid has a separate room, then make your own room that space. Also, the times when your kid is asleep or otherwise occupied, I know it’s probably tempting to only use that time to clean up/do household tasks, and you should def do that stuff when you want to get it done, but also make sure you occasionally use that time to do the kind of recharging you’re talking about.

KaeLyn: As a fellow adult living with a child whose stuff is everywhere. EVERYWHERE. EVERYWHERE!!! Ahem, what was I going to say? Oh right, I share this challenge and I’ve read many articles on how other, more accomplished parents and adults with kids, have figured this out. Some suggest just overall reducing the number of kid things. A popular one on the mom blogs is to take all your kid’s toys, sort them into tubs, and then store all but one tub at a time, rotating the tubs occasionally to provide variety. It all sounds very cute and nice. Maybe it will work for you! That said, I can not. On a particularly frustrated day, I crowd-sourced the many parents in all stages of life (littles to empty nesters) and asked them when the house would not feel like I am operating a disorganized daycare facility everywhere in the house. The answers ranged from, “It gets a little better when they get a little older,” to “You will never have a space not cluttered with kid stuff until they move all the way out to their own place.” So, if the question is really what do you need to be able to regain some sense of mental calmness, I’ve found that what works for me is claiming my own space. Dedicate some time one day when you’re not also working and/or solo taking care or kids or whatever and clear off a spot just for you, a little nook or even just a spot at your kitchen table. I put an additional work desk in my dining room for this. It’s currently covered in clutter, but it is definitely my clutter and my space. Frankly, I’d also suggest going outside as you’re able and taking in fresh air and naturally open space. Sometimes temporary escape is the best option. If you’re really able to put the time into it, the toy rotation people seem pretty passionate about the method and I’m sure it can work! If you’re more of a chaos monster yourself, like me, it may be time to just…relax into it and let go of the guilt about it and curate different ways to recharge your batteries.

Q10:

How does one go about asking their girlfriend to move in together?

A:

Kayla: This is maybe a frustrating answer, but there isn’t really one set way for how to go about this! There are so many variables here, including but not limited to financials, emotions, boundaries, personal needs/expectations, etc. If you’ve never broached the conversation at all with your girlfriend, start with that! This isn’t a situation that has a simple script; it’s not like you simply ask someone to move in with you and they say a simple yes/no. It’s usually an ongoing conversation and one that should include discussing logistics (location, budget, etc.) as well as the more internal/interpersonal things like why do you want to live together and how do you see this changing the relationship? Because it will likely change the relationship. But that’s a good thing! Relationships should change and grow. Do you want your girlfriend to move into your existing home or do you want to find a new home for both of you? Those can be slightly different conversations. Is your girlfriend happy/unhappy with her current living situation? Have you had any prior conversations that touch on things like home? It’s good to get a sense of where you both are. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to make this THE Ask. Understand that it might take time, multiple convos, and some compromise to figure out what you both want. It’s not a totally straightforward process, but if you’re wanting to move in together, the only way you’re going to make any progress is to get that ball rolling.

Vanessa: I would probably say, “hey babe, do you want to move in together?” I’m kidding but I’m not kidding — you’ve gotta ask her! I think, like all big life choices, this is probably a series of smaller conversations (does your gf like the idea of cohabitating, do you both feel comfortable losing the autonomy of having separate spaces, have you figured out what finances will look like if you move in together, do you eventually want to own a house together in the same city you live in or do you have dreams of traveling all over the place and not settling down, etc etc etc etc etc) that culminate in a series of decisions, but the only way to do it is to do it. Basically per always I agree with Kayla. Good luck!

Q11:

I feel like I’m exiting the phase of early adulthood where I feel great about everything I own being acquired haphazardly with no real central identity pulling my stuff together. But every time I try to look for some cool art, or furniture, or other decor it is all so damn expensive!! How have y’all navigated wanting to support local/independent artists & craftspeople and creating a space that reflects you while short on funds and basically building from the ground up? Help me transcend the Ikea/Craigslist aesthetic!

A:

Meg: This is so real! I think the biggest thing for me has been being patient with myself around budgeting for these unique and special artistic items. I work as a creative professional myself so I feel really strongly about paying for art, and I can hear that you feel the same way — and unfortunately what that means is that sometimes you’re just following artists that you like, buying pieces one at a time, and making a slow and gradual investment in your space. Sometimes artists will do sales or fundraisers when pieces will be less expensive, but other times it’s really worth saving up for something that you absolutely love, and knowing that it was worth the investment.

I put together a queer-owned housewares shop roundup as part of this folio, and while there are absolutely some expensive pieces in these stores, there are also some brilliant items that aren’t quite as pricy. Collections of postcards or smaller prints look great when framed and hung as a gallery wall, and small sculptures or objects in groups can have a major impact without costing quite as much as a single larger piece.

Riese: Sales and second-hand things! I’m doing a post for this series about how to find stuff that’s cute within your budget so probably the answer will be there, but in short: flea markets, goodwill, thrift stores, buying shit on black friday, labor day, etc.. I get most of my art from Society6 or Etsy and just give myself time — like I’ve been gradually decorating my living room since December, I probably won’t get to my bedroom until 2022 tbh. So it’s just a little bit of money every month until it all looks nice.

Kayla: I agree with Meg and Riese: It’s going to just take time probably. Take things slowly and also prioritize getting just a few pieces you really want vs. getting too much stuff. Less is more, ya know? Especially when it comes to a budget and wanting to support independent artists and businesses. Also understand that you might have to do a mix of buying small and buying from bigger stores to make it all work. Sometimes when it comes to bigger pieces like a table or bookcase, it might make sense to stick to the Ikea, Craigslist, etc stuff but then have extra money to be able to spend on art, ceramics, etc. Creating a balance can make it so that you actually have more $$$ in your pocket to give to local folks. Follow your fav artists on Instagram and support them in non-monetary ways whenever you can (boosting their posts, spreading the word about them, etc.) and then if you see a piece you really want and have the money to get it, go for it! Sometimes following artists on socials can also alert you to when they do flash sales, sell products that might have small blemishes, etc.

Ro: I love all of these answers! I also want to add that you can fix up the second hand things you already own. If you’re sick of your boring kitchen table, a coat of paint on a single piece can really transform your space!

Q12:

Moving gives me SO MUCH ANXIETY. I’ve only done it a few times in my life and they were big, cross country moves at times when I basically jettisoned all my possessions, but I’m coming up on my first normal, within the same city, needing to hire movers move, and like… how do people DO this? How do you handle packing in a tiny apartment where taking books out of a bookshelf just doubles the volume of the bookshelf in your tiny space? Do I let movers pack everything? How do I handle the loss of control that is strangers touching and possibly breaking my stuff? What do I do with my cat while it’s happening so he’s not stressed out of his mind? I know, in my rational brain, that people do this ALL THE TIME and it isn’t necessarily going to be a disaster, but even googling moving guides doesn’t soothe me because they all seem to be for nuclear families moving from one large suburban house to another, with plenty of time and friends and family support to help them, not for me, a single queer in a city where I know no one, with a tiny apartment and a cat.

A:

Riese: We actually have a great post about this: Moving 101: From Point A to Point B With Minimal Crying. There’s also good tips in Home Sweet Homo Moving Tips (including pet guidance!) and How to Move During a Pandemic. That last one might be helpful for you as someone who is moving on your own, even if the pandemic isn’t what it was when that post was written, it’s a good reference for moving with zero help.

Kayla: I was gonna link to those posts, but Riese beat me to it! Totally give those a look though; they’re thorough! Some specific tips I also have: Pack your own things. Most moving services (unless they’re hella $$$) do not include packing stuff up. They expect you to have everything in boxes, and then they move those boxes from point A to point B. I know boxing stuff up sounds like the hard part, but it’s best for you to do it yourself, because it helps you keep things organized and gives you the most control over how things are packaged. Uhaul stores have lots of packing materials to choose from (I highly recommend the “dish saver” kits for plates/bowls/basic dinnerware). But if you’re on a budget, one trick I’ve used before is getting free boxes from liquor stores/bodegas/basically anywhere that does a high volume of beverage sales. They’re almost always willing to give those boxes away for free, and sometimes the divider thingies for bottles can come in handy! It’s definitely hard to box things up in a small space—I feel ya on that one. I think you’re just going to have to understand that you and your cat might be a little uncomfy for a few days. On that note, do it in piecemeal. It means having to navigate around boxes for a longer amount of time BUT it also saves so much stress rather than trying to do it all at once. When looking for movers, Uhaul has a database for finding local help (it includes some of the nationwide businesses but also more mom and pop options specific to your area). Don’t forget to tip your movers!!!

Ro: I agree with Kayla — piecemeal packing can be annoying, but it’s totally worth it! That way, you won’t have to pack up your whole life under a strict deadline. If the whole idea of packing stresses you out, you can also invite a couple of friends over for a packing party. Grab some free boxes from your local liquor store, stock up on newspaper, order a pizza, put on some music or a movie and power through the piles together. Having a friend there on a moving day is also a great idea! They can provide you with some emotional support, they can transport your cat and help you communicate with movies.

Himani: Chiming in about the cat — your cat will be stressed out during your move. There are no two ways about that. There are a couple of things you can do day of to make things a little less hectic. Plan to have a place your cat can be shut into uninterrupted on the day of the move (like, for instance, a large closet or even your bathroom). Make sure there’s nothing else in that space that would require the movers accessing that space, and let your movers know that you have a cat who is shut into xyz location and to not open that door. If you’re worried that your cat is going to be especially anxious, you can try the Feliway stuff (sprays, wipes, collar, etc.) that’s supposed to reduce cat anxiety, though I honestly haven’t found them to be particularly helpful. My one cat was always incredibly stressed out during moves so at some point I went to the vet and they gave me a medication I could give him that would help him be a little calmer during the 24-hour period of the move, so that’s another option to consider.

Q13:

Hiya! My question has to do with making a space homey, cozy feeling, and comforting when you live alone. I’ve been blessed to become part of a polycule this year with three lovely folks who live together, and I feel so safe and nurtured and happy when I’m at their place. Every so often though I get really sad when it’s time to go to my own (fairly new) apartment- like homesick? While I’m working on my family/abandonment issues in therapy and getting support from my partners to help with the psychological side of this, I think it would also help to make my own place give me some of the good feelings I get at theirs. How can I make my apartment feel nurturing and familial when I live alone?

A:

Meg: I love that you want to invest some more time and energy into making your personal space feel more cozy and comforting! I’m personally a huge fan of cushions, throw blankets, candles, and soft lighting for making a space feel warm and inviting — playing music that you love, using home fragrance that reminds you of relaxing times or places, and adding plants or objects that you love can go a long way towards making you love your space. Since you’re spending time with your polycule at their space, it might also be worth looking at your favorite items in their home, and perhaps getting something similar for your own place. Do they have a really comfortable blanket that you love to use when you’re there? Specific items or lamps or decor pieces that you could get your own versions of? Scent can go a long way towards linking places or emotions, so particularly if their home smells a particular way or they tend to favor certain candles, buying the same items may help your own home feel familiar and comforting.

Kayla: I second all Meg’s suggestions of candles, throw blankets, etc. as well as copy-cating some of the things you like about other spaces. Another homey touch that I think is super underrated: Printed photos! No one ever gets photos printed and framed anymore!!! What if you had framed pics of your polycule in your home? Framed photos either in frames that have stands or that can be hung on a wall have such a nice, familial look and feel to them. It doesn’t have to be corny! It can be so cute! You can use online printing services that are a one-stop shop for frames as well. Or you can get creative and get a Polaroid camera and start taking photos with your polycule and friends. There are frames specifically for Polaroids or you can get Pinteresty with it.

Ro: I love these suggestions from Meg and Kayla! Here’s another idea: get a pet (if you have the capacity to responsibly care for an animal and if your building allows it). Having a furry (or feathered or scaled) friend who’s happy to see you when you come home can make your space feel extra inviting. If caring for an animal isn’t an option, you’re never too old to have a stuffed animal or two.

Himani: In addition to making the space a little homier as Meg and Kayla described, you might also consider having some activities at your apartment that you really enjoy (this is a broader version of Ro’s suggestion re: pet). Try having copies of some of your favorite books, movies, TV shows, board games, snacks or whatever your interests are at home so that when you’re home you have activities you can do that you really enjoy.

Q14:

I recently moved and now commute two hours each way by bus, a few times a week.

I need tips for being productive during the bus ride! My brain equates “bus” with “zone out, scroll instagram, listen to a podcast” but i absolutely cannot budget four hours a day to zoning out. I open my laptop intending to work on a document and it’s just so hard to focus.

Tips?

A:

Kayla: I would like to gently suggest you maybe rethink “productivity” here. Yes, I totally understand you not wanting to just scroll your way through four hours a day. But it sounds like you might be putting too much pressure on yourself to make the most of this time when, let’s be real, long commutes suck! Does listening to a podcast not seem productive? What about listening to audiobooks? Or what about listening to music and doing some mindfulness exercises? Those all sound like pretty good uses of time to me even if they don’t perfectly fit your idea of productivity. What about a crossword puzzle app on your phone? Or if that makes scrolling to tempting—a physical crossword book? Do you like to read? Could you bring a book or an e-reader along? I think you should ultimately do whatever feels best for you! Maybe prioritize feeling relaxed and comfortable on your commute vs. feeling “productive.” I think taking care of yourself and entertaining yourself can be perfectly productive!

Himani: Seconding Kayla about rethinking “productivity.” I’ll also add that working on a laptop on a bus or train or airplane has just never been comfortable to me. The seats are too tight to have the laptop comfortably on my lap and at an angle that makes it easy to see and use. If you’re really committed to trying to get work done on your commute, you might try old fashioned pen and paper. This requires having made a plan beforehand about what exactly you’ll be working on during the commute so that you have the printouts handy or whatever other resources you need readily available without a laptop. And then after, of course, you’ll have to type up whatever you wrote out during your commute, so there’s some added work there. When I can motivate myself to do it, I’ve found this to be a helpful way to get the “thinking” part of a task done while traveling. But also, not all down time has to be “productive” time.

Nicole: This is all great advice and I second it! Going along with what Himani said above about productivity, this is a different kind of environment than your home or workplace. For one, you don’t have to be traditionally productive (think of the reading time!), but if you want to be working on things, here are some thoughts. Your brain’s in a different place during your commute, and in terms of “productivity,” one of the things I’ve found most helpful is to meet my brain where it’s at with tasks that match. If being in a public transport situation saps you and makes you feel like you can only concentrate for limited amounts of time / do more passive work, that might be a good time to get caught up on industry research / news and to answer emails or other correspondence. If the distractions of the situation fuel your brain creatively, on the other hand, it might be a good time to jot down ideas, plan your day, think of people you need to get in touch with and what about. Is it time for digging into that complex spreadsheet or busy document? I’ve definitely seen it done, but it’s also very okay if that’s not for you! Finally, as someone who once wrote a whole novel during my commute times on the subway, I do heartily recommend the pen & paper method (for writing, drawing, doodling, jotting down random thoughts you have while listening to podcasts), a good pair of headphones, finding your favorite seat when possible, and maybe working on a passion project that is of high interest to you so that this helps you to tune out some of the distractions. Good luck!

Q15:

Can you recommend plants that are…

Safe for cats
Work well with light from both sides (would be in a corner with windows on both walls)
Easy to take care of

(Reference: PNW location, no air conditioner in home, if that matters for plant health!!)

Thank you!!!

A:

Himani: First, the ASPCA has a searchable guide to toxic and nontoxic plants for pets that I recommend bookmarking. In terms of specific plants that do well with a lot of light, African violet and Christmas cactus are two plants that I think are relatively easy to care for that I think both like a lot of sunlight. Spider plants seem like they can’t be killed either, though one thing I read said they prefer indirect light (I think it’s still worth giving the spider plant a try). Also, I’ve never grown Pilea peperomioides but I’ve always wanted to; that one is not on the ASPCA’s guide but other sources show it is nontoxic to cats and that it does well in a bright spot.

Q16:

My long-term girlfriend and I live together. She is messier than I am and tends to leave small messes before she goes to work (I work from home). Not majorly bad, but things like empty water bottles, scraps from making her lunch on the counter, etc. She’s also a bit of a packrat (and admits these things!)

I don’t want to be a “maternal” force or a “nag,” but I’ve nudged her about these things and she hasn’t changed the behavior. Anyone have recommendations on how to talk about her being a little more proactive about cleaning up after herself so the labor doesn’t fall on me? (She grew up with a nanny and house cleaner and I think it just doesn’t click for her, I don’t think she does it intentionally or to mess with me, to be clear!)

A:

Kayla: I guess I’m wondering what exactly you mean when you say you’ve nudged her about these things before. Does that look like just saying “hey can you pick things up more often?” While that does seem straightforward, sometimes people need a more significant nudge than that. It does sound like your girlfriend’s past informs these behaviors, and you don’t have to necessarily bring that up, but I do think it would be helpful if you can tell her WHY you’d like her to pick things up more often and how it makes YOU feel when she does not. So something like “hey, it affects my day and mood when I have to pick up after you.” Make it clear that her actions don’t really happen in a vacuum—this is your shared space, and for you, it’s also your place of work. It’s not nagging to express how this affects you. If you feel like that’s an imbalance in the household labor, it’s perfectly reasonable to say that. I don’t think your girlfriend will feel attacked if you’re like “hey, I spend time cleaning up after you and I’m wondering if we can change that.” She should be able to build time to clean up into her morning routine without making any major changes.

Q17:

My new-ish roommate is a good person but really annoys me. I think the pandemic has made me less tolerant since I haven’t been rubbing shoulders with a range of people not of my own choosing the way I usually might be. I don’t really know what my question is here, but – aaaagh! What’s the main move here, trying to bond with the annoying person so you become fond of them, trying to become generally more accepting and chill, or just trying to organise your live so you don’t have to share space with people whose company you don’t enjoy?

A:

Kayla: You definitely don’t have to be friends with your roommate if you don’t want to be. Some of my best roommate situations have been with people who I only interacted with when it was necessary. If this person annoys you, I’m not sure you’ll be able to force a friendship by trying to bond. That said, this situation could become really bad really fast—for both of you. You might become resentful of this person in your space, which could lead to passive aggression and other tensions. Maybe reminding yourself you don’t have to be besties with them will help? If the annoyances are small, keep that in mind, too. So many roommate situations are HELLISH, but dealing with small annoyances is also really common. Don’t go out of your way to spend time with this person if you genuinely don’t enjoy their company. You might start to feel more accepting if you just accept you’re not socially compatible. Address genuine issues as they come up so resentment doesn’t form!

Ro: There’s a difference between behavior that’s annoying to you (like the sound of someone’s laugh) and behavior that’s crossing your boundaries (like making lots of noise while you’re trying to sleep or refusing to do dishes). If you determine that there are certain things about your roommate that are just annoying to you, then you’ll have to live with those things, and like Kayla said, you don’t have to be friends with this person. If you determine that your roommate’s behavior is more than just annoying and needs to be addressed, then talk to them about that. Establishing working agreements with roommates is essential for a comfortable, well-functioning home environment, and it’s best to make those agreements sooner rather than later.

Q18:

Any advice for first time homebuyers? What should I NOT do?

A:

Riese: We have some good guides for that! Home Sweet Homo: A Guide For Buying Your First Home and Home Sweet Homo: An Autostraddle Homeowner Roundtable. Lots of first-time advice in there!

My home-owning experience is kind of as bad as it gets and I doubt you’ll run into any of the problems I did but! Personally, I wish I hadn’t bought a house with a partner who I couldn’t rely on in a town that I didn’t want to live in without said partner. And I wish I had not rushed the process — it was deep winter when we were home-shopping and so the entrance crawl space under the house was caked in snow so the inspector didn’t go under there. I wish he had somehow like blasted it open because then we would’ve learned that the house was on a sinkhole with the worst plumbing in the history of plumbs! That was um, a very expensive mistake.

Himani: The guides Riese shared are really great resources to prepare yourself for the process. Really do spend some time figuring out what it is you actually want out of your home. One thing that I think is worth keeping in mind as you’re budgeting for what you can afford, is that even after you buy a place, you’ll want to have some money set aside for unexpected repairs that you’ll find out about only after you’ve lived there (as in Riese’s experience, though that sounds like an extreme and truly awful situation).

Nicole: The above is great advice! First, make sure you know what you actually want out of buying a house. Are you looking to do major fixes? Less so? Live close to work? Don’t care about commuting? Need quiet? Need to be near your doctor’s certain schools, what-have-you? Make sure you have these things defined so that no matter how hypnotizing and perfect a house seems, if it doesn’t actually serve you, you won’t be tempted. (House-shopping can get emotional for a lot of people.) So, what not to do: choose a house because you fall in love with it but some things are fundamentally not going to work for you.

Also, very important: Do your research on real estate agents! Also, get an agent. This person will be your advocate and is the one who will help make sure you aren’t taken advantage of and just all-in-all have a managable experience with what is kind of a hellish experience. Some tips for finding one who might be great for first-time and also gay home buyers: 1) Ask around! Do you know other people who bought houses? Who were their agents? What was the experience like? Did they stick up for them during negotiations and help explain the process? Will they recommend them? 2) Check out the people who are out there in queer / feminist spaces teaching people about home-buying. My agent teaches classes on first-time home-buying at a feminist maker space and is personally really committed to helping to get people into homes they can afford. This was a really great green flag! She did not mind showing me houses that were really at the bottom level of what was on the market (we looked at one with a barber shop in the living room which unfortunately had a basement best described as a “termite cave” — also have seen some houses which only had unfinished bathrooms in the basement as the only bathroom, to give you an idea) before we found the one. She helped me negotiate the price and walked me through the mortgage process, too. Of course, the market is apparently going wild right now, so it’s also a good idea to figure out your comfort level with buying right now (there’s a whole other conversation about the 2021 housing market), but either way, you’ll be better off if you have a good, trustworthy person helping you look! So, don’t: go it alone or with an agent who you don’t trust.

And yes, that part about making sure you have money budgeted for unexpected repairs is totally, very good advice. Things will happen! No matter how careful you are! Good luck out there!

Q19:

I’ve spent a lot of my life living in a rural area, where there’s a lot of poverty and not a lot of jobs or opportunities, but the natural landscape is beautiful. When I’m there, I spend a lot of time outdoors, in green space, in quiet and solitude because there just aren’t that many people around. Feeling connected to nature, spending time alone like that and seeing the seasonal changes passing over the same landscape again and again is something that I really care about, and it’s played a huge part in managing my recurring bouts of depression over the years, spending time in nature is one of my favourite types of informal mindfulness and it’s one of the coping mechanisms that I’ve relied on very heavily at times.

But I keep needing to move away into cities, for education and then for work. And I’ve always ended up stuck renting shoeboxes with barely enough direct light to keep shade-loving pot plants alive, let alone outside space. I hope one day I’ll manage to find secure employment in the country, but with the way things are playing out with the pandemic, a lot of rural businesses just haven’t survived the last two years, and the “tree-changers” leaving the cities are massively driving up the price of rent in the country. So I expect I’ll be stuck mostly in cities for a long time yet.

I don’t know if I can articulate a really specific question here. But I think I struggle with feeling “connected to place” and to nature in an urban/suburban setting. Something feels disconnected and I end up feeling like I’m mourning. I think I have trouble finding ways to pay attention to the nature that *is* around me in cities, because there’s just so much less, it very acutely feels like a loss. I don’t think I have trouble making an indoors living space feel like home, but I really want to find better ways to feel connected to nature and the landscape while living in a city, where there’s light pollution and traffic noise, and people everywhere to push past and disturb the peace, and the deserted places don’t feel safe. Does anyone have things they can share about coping with city living as someone who’s used to the country? Or just about ways to bring connections with nature into your daily life when living in a really built environment?
Thank you.

A:

Ro: If you can choose which city you live in, opt for a city that’s within driving distance from places where you can hike, swim and/ or generally get away from people and visit those places often. You also find some solitude in the city if you look hard enough. I live in Chicago, where I’ve found less populated parts of the lakefront and regularly go for walks in our local cemeteries, which have lots of trees, ponds and even coyotes (plus, unlike our local beaches, cemeteries aren’t filled with people grilling and blasting music). It’s definitely not the same as living in a rural environment, but it helps me stay grounded in a crowded place. If you have the time and financial means to take a yearly vacation in a remote place, make that happen for yourself! Hopefully, you can replace some of your mourning with planning.

Himani: Totally seconding Ro’s suggestion about (if possible) opting to live in a city that is near places where you can hike and do outdoor activities. If you live in the city without a car, look to see if there are places that are accessible by public transit, although that can be really limited. (For instance, there’s a bunch of hiking trails accessible by Metro North from NYC; not sure how many other cities are connected to hiking trails by public transit.) Taking a yearly vacation to a remote place is a great suggestion, but if that feels out of reach at the moment or if you want to have a little more greenery in your life on the regular, maybe try to budget for shorter one- or two-day trips to places near where you live that you can take every few months.

Nicole: You mention growing things, but often not having enough light. Does your city have community gardens where you can rent a plot, or urban farming / food sovereignty  organizations you can volunteer with, or even botanic gardens looking for folks to volunteer? I suggest planting things deliberately or engaging in volunteer work as a way of cultivating a practice of getting into nature, where you’re participating and also helping to make the city more green for others. Most people live in urban areas, and the more we can connect them with nature, the better they are for everyone.

Q20:

What advice do you have about designing/decorating a space with your partner? I’ve been living with my partner for a few years but we really struggle when it comes to making decorating decisions together!

A:

Kayla: Is the struggle that you have very different design/decor aesthetics? That can be tough! I don’t think it totally works to have a compromise where BOTH of your aesthetics/styles are present in every room. That can make a space feel overwhelming lol. But I think it’s still possible to compromise! If your place has multiple rooms, maybe one of you decorates the bedroom and one of you decorates the living space. Again, not a perfect solution, but it allows you to both have some control and creative expression without clashing with each other. Find ways to both have your tastes reflected instead of just the same person sacrificing their style for the other. That can cause some resentment! The home should feel like it belongs to and reflects BOTH of you, even if you have different visions/styles.

If the struggle is more that you’re both indecisive or feel overwhelmed by decorating/shopping for your home, that’s a bit of an easier fix! Make a shared Pinterest account together, save the things you like, and then commit to actually executing them. Looking/window shopping together can sometimes be easier when it’s over the internet/on an app versus the pressure of having to make these decisions on the spot in a physical store.

Nicole: When we’re trying to make decisions about a specific project, my partner and I usually make a shared Google spreadsheet, rank our favorites for anything (a ceiling fan, a paint color), discuss, then ruthlessly narrow them down until we have something left that we both liked a lot — or two options left that I like a lot and she makes the final call, for example. This may not be for everyone but if you find that trying to talk through design decisions out loud is a lot and takes a lot of time, or that you forget about options as you look through, finding a way where you can keep things organized and work independently during designated periods may be a help! Other non-spreadsheet ways to do this are taking Kayla’s awesome suggestion above and creating Pinterest boards, or creating drawings and designs of how you’d want to arrange a space, showing them to each other, and discussing, etc. The point is to give yourself and your partner space to be creative and dream of design on your own, and then be able to show a complete picture to your partner for their input (and the other way, too), which I feel is just more organized? Good luck! You’ve got this!

Q21:

Hello!

Do you have any advice on how to make my room a room, instead a floor where I drop my things at random? I live in a huge bedroom that takes up the whole floor, but don’t have a layout or plan for it. I want to have significant space to dance and maybe somehow entertain?!) and I’ll probably move the desk downstairs. I also like creative seating; I have one pouf I like using, and have been thinking of getting some more. I have tons of clothes and an incomplete clothes storage system. I appreciate any advice or plans you have; my room has looked like this for a couple years now.

A:

Nicole: Wow! You have so much space to work with. I’m not sure what your wall situation is in terms of how much you’re allowed to / able to update, but the first thing that strikes me is that if the room feels monotonous to you, you can try and break up the space by decorating the walls a little differently to help break up the room before you even add furniture to help with this! You could try removable sticky wallpaper for your green, painted walls to add areas with patterns. Or, (after priming) you could repaint the walls, not necessarily all white, but with a few accent walls to designate different stations in your space. If you’re allowed, you can also scruff up the wood panelling a little with sandpaper, prime and paint that, too. Then, I think what what everyone else has shared are all really great ways to consider breaking up the space. Other ways to visually demarcate spaces where certain activities take place that don’t require furniture include throw rugs, changes in artwork themes, and the books that are shelved in one space vs another (work books by the work station, sewing books in the craft station…etc.) that will help give the space a sort of sense of its purpose.

For the stuff on the floor. It might help to work backward from the stuff you have –> storage solutions. So, like, if you’re going through a bunch of craft supplies for example, you would say “okay, I have a lot of yarn and this yarn needs a home” and you write that down, then you note “and my knitting supplies also go with the yarn, so the storage needs to account for that” and then you find a box and you open it and you say, “and I have a collection of zines that I’ve had in a box forever, but I want them to actually be displayed, so they need a home that does that” and then as you plan and shop, you’re not creating spaces and then shoving things into those spaces, your storage situations are chosen and designed to house the stuff you have.

Also, that outdoor balcony space is so great! Don’t underestimate the power of good lighting (some string lights, probably!). Add a couple of thrifted outdoor chairs and a table, a little outdoor rug for color, a citronella candle, and other decorations of your choosing and you have an outdoor sitting space.

Meg: This looks like a fantastic space! I’m a big fan of rugs for dividing spaces up, particularly if you want to set up a little seating area with armchairs and a side table, a reading nook, a dining area, or a place to work. Think about how you’d like to use the space, what kinds of areas you’d like to establish, and then experiment with different portions of the room. Don’t be afraid to play around! You might think that one corner will work really well for a reading nook and then realize that you don’t actually like sitting there, and that’s okay! Give yourself the freedom to try a few different configurations and you’ll learn more about how you’d like the different areas to function, and what doesn’t actually work for you.

Riese: If you feel lost on how to decorate your space, I’d browse sites and instagrams like apartment therapy and just copy other people’s spaces that you like. It’s a great hack for when you lack that designer’s eye yourself.

Kayla: Another way to explore possible floorplans/ways to designate spaces within the same room is to literally go to Ikea and walk through the example rooms/apartments they have. A lot of their display rooms are specifically of studio apartments or other small spaces, and even though your issue is basically having a bedroom that’s too big rather than too small, you could get some ideas from how those display rooms create designated spaces/areas without walls. There are all sorts of creative things you can do to essentially add living/socializing space to your room. You don’t even have to commit to buying anything from Ikea—looking is free lol. You might get some storage/organizing ideas for your closet from looking at those display rooms, too. The Ikea sample spaces are always all about maximizing space!

Ro: If you’ve ever been to daycare or preschool, you’ve probably been in a space with multiple “stations” (a coloring station, a Playdough station, a Lego station, etc.). You can set up your adult space in the same way! Your bedroom definitely needs a sleeping station. Maybe you’d like to have a making station or cozy reading corner. When you start thinking about your space in terms of the activities you’d like to do in that space, it can be easier to divide up the room and decide what goes where.

Himani: It might seem counterintuitive, but buying a little more storage furniture might help you organize both the items in the space as well as the space itself. You can use the furniture to help with designating the different “stations” that others have mentioned in their responses earlier.

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