Welcome to the 24th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

Q1:

I have a small group of about five friends who are my main support system and who are very near and dear to me! This friend group has been going for about 4 years. I get along great with everyone except for one person, who we’ll call Mark.

Mark was one of the very first people I met when I moved to this new town, and we got to be great friends. However, over the past two years, I have noticed gradual changes in Mark’s behavior that have really put a strain on our friendship. He has become very self-righteous, argumentative, and has a black-and-white thinking that no longer allows him to consider opinions that aren’t his own. What started out as playfully teasing each other at the beginning has developed into him outright mocking me for things I enjoy that he deems silly. I have politely told him that I’m not okay with him mocking me or calling me names, but he laughs it off like it’s a joke.

The issue really boils down to: I have decided that I no longer want to hang out with Mark, but I still deeply want to still be part of this friend group. Everyone else in the group is very dear and important to me, and while they are a little irked by Mark’s behavior, they aren’t as bothered as I am. It’s been difficult to try and find excuses to get the group together and leave Mark out, as most of our plans are made in a group chat. I do occasionally hang out with people from this group one-on-one, but we have a great group dynamic and usually make plans all together.

A lot of the advice that I’ve gotten already is: well you need to talk to Mark and set boundaries! But he is extremely blinded by his own self-righteousness. He always thinks that he is right 100% of the time, and trying to get him to see another perspective makes him double down even harder. I am, tbh, a little afraid to confront him in a one-on-one way about his attitude, because I know he is going to take it as a personal attack and lash out. And the few times I have said something in a group setting, he just spins it into a big joke.

A:

Vanessa: Ahhhh this sucks so much and I really feel for you. I’m so sorry about Mark’s behavior, and I’m sorry you’re having to navigate this, especially during such a tough year when we all need our support systems more than ever. It sounds like other folks in your life have already talked about boundaries, but I actually disagree that Mark is the one you’ll have to set boundaries with. I don’t know if you’re going to like my advice, but unfortunately, I think you’ll need to set boundaries with your other dear friends.

When it comes to group dynamics, unless everyone agrees that a person is causing a strain on a friendship group, the fact is, it’s very difficult to get everyone to sign on board to hang out without that one person. If your other friends don’t find Mark’s shift in behavior detrimental enough to outright offer him an ultimatum – “change your behavior or no longer be part of our group” – it’s unlikely that his behavior will change or that he will stop being invited to group gatherings. That sucks; it feels really bad when someone who hurts your feelings is given a pass by the people closest to you. Unfortunately we can’t really control others, even our nearest and dearest friends. We can only control ourselves.

Which brings us to the boundaries. If you don’t want to hang out with Mark anymore, you’re going to need to let your friends know, and you’re going to need to offer them the opportunity to hangout with you without Mark, either one on one or in a group. You’ll need to opt out of the group text, or create a different text to make plans that you’d like to have without Mark. This will likely bring up questions, and difficult conversations. I think this could be a good thing. It’s not going to work longterm to keep “finding excuses” to hangout without Mark. You’ll have to be honest. Tell your friends that Mark is hurting you and that you’ve decided you need to end the friendship. Tell them what you’ve told us – how dear they are to you, how you still wish to be part of the group, but how you simply cannot be around Mark anymore. Let them show up for you. It’s one thing for them to make allowances for Mark’s shitty behavior, for whatever reason. But it would be another thing altogether for them to drop you because you’re trying to create healthy boundaries and protect yourself from someone who no longer functions as a friend. Present your dear friends this issue clearly and honestly, and let them help you begin the work of forging a new version of your friend group – one that includes Mark, and one that does not.

Lastly: You mention being a little afraid about confronting Mark one on one, and I suggest you do not do that. There’s no reason to put yourself in harms way with a person who you have already decided you do not want in your life. Perhaps your other friends can do this work for you once they see what a big deal it is to you – part of friendship is holding each other accountable. Perhaps if they do confront Mark, he will change; perhaps he will not. But this is no longer about Mark; it’s about salvaging your other friendships in spite of Mark. I hope that you can. I’m rooting for your friends to show up for you! <3

Kayla: I want to echo a lot of Vanessa’s advice, because I think she really nailed it. Even though this is going to be hard, you really do need to talk to the rest of the friend group about how you feel. You say that they’re all merely a little irked by Mark’s behavior, but it’s ultimately not very fair to you that they don’t seem to care that much about the way his behavior makes YOU feel. I don’t think you can give them an ultimatum that’s like CHOOSE ME OR CHOOSE MARK, but there are middle grounds, like the ones Vanessa outlined. Asking your friends to be more intentional and consistent about making separate plans with you. In addition to that, I do think that while it wouldn’t help to be as explicit as an ultimatum, it would be worth having a conversation with your friends about how you really do feel. When it’s brought up in front of Mark, he spins it into a joke. So bring it up away from Mark. Tell them that his behavior really hurts you and that it isn’t as simple as a difference of personalities. Tell them it’s serious and meaningful for you. Maybe your friends will start to take it more seriously and adjust some of their behaviors regarding Mark. Maybe there ARE other people in the group who feel the same way about Mark but are afraid to explicitly say so. Maybe you talking about it as directly as possible will encourage them to. But also, you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that even if you’re direct with these friends about how you feel, they won’t take it seriously. We truly cannot change people. It’s ultimately up to you to decide what’s going to be the healthiest choice from there! But I do think you need to be as forward and clear with your friends about the ways Mark makes you feel as possible and see what happens from there.

Rachel: What a thorny issue! I have two thoughts on this, after echoing both Vanessa and Kayla, whose advice is excellent. First of all, to the extent that this sounds like a chosen family to you, I would think about approaching it through the lens of family; in what ways would you want to approach this if, say, you enjoyed spending time with your bio family but one brother/uncle/whatever was consistently rude? Would you talk about it with other family members? Limit time? Try to connect more with the rest of your family one on one? Unfortunately, family can often give us a lot of practice with the idea of loving someone but not really liking them, or having to make difficult compromises because of what it means to share space in our life with someone.

The other thing I want to gently float is that while you’ve mentioned politely asking him to stop or trying to get him to see other perspectives, neither of those things really constitute setting boundaries, and so to be honest I’m not super surprised Mark hasn’t changed his behavior, especially based on the kind of dude it sounds like he is. I wish I remembered a source for this but I really resonate w the saying that ‘boundaries without actions to back them up aren’t boundaries, they’re preferences.’ What actions can you take about your *own* behavior that will reinforce the boundaries you want to set with Mark (and realistically, the rest of your friend group, who isn’t backing you up)? What if, every time Mark mocked you in front of your friends, you calmly said “oof, rude! This feels disrespectful to me, so I’m actually going to head out; I’ll see you guys later!” and left the hangout? What are your stakes in this community or shared intimacies that you can choose whether you want to extend or not based on how you’re being treated? Are there ways you can compassionately but directly communicate with both words and actions that your full presence in this group is conditional upon being treated with respect? Accepting that unfortunately we can’t change anyone else’s behavior, what are ways can you choose to show up for yourself in these situations?

Q2:

This could be advice or I would actually really love to read a personal essay on the subject: doing things with long fake nails. I’m an agender type of person who likes to put lipstick on to work on my car, sew more pockets onto my pants and wear fancy dresses that show off my boobs. I’ve recently started to hear the siren call of crazy long nails. Logically, I know that people go about their daily lives and do amazing things with donk ass long nails, but I barely lasted one day with nails on only my non-dom hand and had to remove them because I couldn’t fold the laundry! I googled how to wipe your butt with long nails? and menstrual cup with acrylic nails? neither of which helped much. I taught a student with fabulous long nails how to use the table saw, so I know babes are out there rocking it – but how though?

A:

Carolyn: Disclosure: I have never successfully had long fake nails, but I have used the miracle of gel manicures to painstakingly grow out my natural nails to about an inch long. (Otherwise, I try press-ons every 14 months, get frustrated the second I have to type or even do anything, and do not use them again for another 14 months until I think “maybe this time.”) For me, what helps me stay functional as well as hot is the slow change over time – smaller shifts in how I type, reach for things, text, do period stuff, etc. that help me get used to the different motions in a way that, for me, is way more manageable than making the shift all at once. That degree of patience isn’t for everyone though (and also requires the ability to give yourself regular gels to prevent breakage or to wait until it’s safe to get someone else to do so again), so hopefully someone else will weigh in!

Shelli Nicole I have been getting acrylic nails since middle school, and they have only gotten longer and pointier over time. I get Stiletto nails that are quite long (give it a search to see what I’m talking about) and it’s all about just going for it. You can literally do everything you already do it and it doesn’t take any longer to me. I wear tampons so I can’t speak to the cup but it doesn’t require me to do anything different, and neither does anything else such as going to the bathroom. You just do it, get used to the feeling and obviously clean your hands and under your nails a bit more when you wash your hands.

It all just takes getting used to but seeing as though I’ve been getting nails for like 15 years it may be easier said than done, but I have some homies who are new to them and I told them the same thing – just get them and learn. You adjust to typing, adjust to cooking and also sex doesn’t hurt either if you’re wondering – if you get your nails professionally done you don’t have to worry about one slipping off when you’re fucking – obviously be careful but I’ve been told it feels completely fine, it’s just a new sensation to adjust to.

Eventually you’ll do everything you already do and notice no difference! I love my nails and I’m not getting rid of them no time soon. Plus, people already melt in my hands but when my nails are on their neck, back or in their hair? Honey……

Rene: Okay listen! This is no joke—Shelli is absolutely right about long nails turning people (especially butches, studs, and masc folks, in my personal experience) into literal puddles. For me, it feels like having a femme superpower. So don’t give up on them too quick! The adjustment period is more than worth it, especially if you feel cute and if they’re a significant part of your gender expression!

I didn’t keep acrylics much until I started working as a dancer at a club. It’s pretty much a professional necessity for strippers to maintain their nails. In spite of that, however, I am still the worst at taking care of my acrylics and I’ve suffered many, many breakages—and I promise you, there are few things more painful than your acrylic snapping or getting ripped off.

It seems like we may have the same problem: my girlfriend always told me that my hands look femme but that I “use them like a butch.” I don’t think either of us want to change the way we use our hands (which isn’t even necessary, as Shelli pointed out!) so here’s a few acrylic nail hacks that I’ve learned:

Pay a little extra to get shellac polish instead of regular polish! Your nails will be extra strong, less prone to breaking, and the polish won’t chip or fade as easily. Also, certain nail shapes might work better in practical life. I find that round and oval-shaped nails feel the best for my partners during sex. That shape is also easier for scooping! You can use your knuckles or the top of your nail to scoop things like lotion and hair product. You can also use your knuckles to press things like elevator buttons, or tuck in your sheets when you make your bed.

Enjoy your acrylics and please, please, please don’t forget to get them filled regularly if you want to keep them! That is the number 1 thing that has prevented breakages for me. It’s so much more cost-effective than getting them taken off and redone every time, and you get to appreciate your nails longer!

Q3:

A friend had a crush on me, and I thought we handled it ok, but now she keeps commenting about it in ways that kind of hurt and I don’t know the best way to react. I’m in my 30s, and came out as bi in my mid-20s; given my upbringing in a very conservative space, I think a lot of my cluelessness was self-preservation (and some was that I think I’m a bit grey-ace; attraction doesn’t happen to me very often). But it does mean that here I am, an adult, with very little actual experience flirting or having relationships and none with sex.

Which sucks, because dating-wise most people would rule me out right away, but I’m also pretty ok with it myself; I suck at this, but most people do or at least feel like they do sometimes, and at least I’m a grounded human who knows how to communicate pretty well, can care for myself and others, and is good at friendship. But: I don’t quite know what to do about this.

There was a Situation with a friend awhile ago that is tough to explain without getting into too much detail. She was a great friend, and my only queer friend in the (middle of nowhere) area after I moved, so there was a lot of pressure to keep the friendship healthy and for the most part we did. The relevant bit is that early on we had set an explicit boundary to be friends and not anything else due to some big, ongoing complicating factors (I did have a crush on her at first, and then it seemed like a better friendship fit as time went on, so when the first flirting I recognized came up I put it on the table explicitly to say friends-only and she agreed and seemed ok with it). Then months in I was blindsided by her confession of attraction and a desire for a romantic relationship that (to me) felt like it came out of nowhere but to her felt like the culmination of a long flirtation. I fundamentally would never explicitly tell someone that I was going to hold a non-sexy friend boundary and then walk over that boundary without explicitly saying my feelings had changed, so this was both a shock and just disorienting.

The conversation was long and hard, but calm, and I risked a lot of vulnerability to talk about my side of things (including gray-aceness, feeling generally incompetent, inexperience with sex & romance, not having many queer friends, having past experiences with people crossing boundaries and blaming myself out of confusion) to try to make it a reaffirmation of boundaries & friendship instead of just a rejection. I felt horrible and stupid to say no (I’ve waited so long, and she’s great!) but not wrong, given the ongoing complicating factors and the serious miscommunication of boundaries, and I checked in with other friends privately after to make sure I wasn’t making a huge mistake. And I felt more confident about the choice as things went on; things were more complicated than I knew at the time, and being a friend meant I could support her without being in the middle of the mess.

But now the issue is this: since then, occasionally, she’ll just casually drop things in conversation about how horrific that conversation apparently was for her (I’ll make a self-deprecating joke and get “I know, I still have nightmares about that conversation”) which always hits me like a brick, but when I try to stop and say “wait, what” she laughs and changes the subject. Or in response to friendly “you suck at this video game” banter, “I know you don’t mean it, but you do things that make it seem like you’re flirting, and it sucks” (and then, again, declining any offer to talk seriously about it). I appreciate her communicating in those moments, and I know firsthand how rocky it is to think a crush is mutual and find out it’s not. But I don’t have a single clue what to do from this end; I’m rarely attracted to other people but it’s even rarer that anyone makes the first move towards me. I put a lot of myself out there to try to make that conversation easier when my anxiety/confusion would have had me run for the hills, and hearing how she hated it makes me feel like a monster and (of course, the chorus of the late-blooming bisexual sea shanty) like I’m somehow not queer enough to really get it.

I really don’t think I AM flirting; I’m definitely not trying to, and I’m careful to be even more clear around her now. But my two main modes are sincere, vulnerable communication or friendly banter, and both seem to be wrong. And given my lack of experience in really any kind of romantic/sexual situation, it really hurts: it hits at what I thought was the only real thing I could potentially bring to a relationship (communication) and digs into my fear that I’m just incompetent at a cellular level at basic human relating and that’s why I don’t have a partner and never will, it’s all my fault, I’m an imposter, etc. etc. I don’t think she’s right, but I don’t have much clear data to argue against it in romantic contexts. It doesn’t happen constantly; when it does, I generally try to listen, offer to talk more, get a laugh and a no, and change the subject to something completely impersonal. Most people can’t tell when I’m hurt unless I say so directly; I tend to assume upfront that it’s a result of miscommunication and try to fix it on my end rather than express hurt or anger (and yes this DOES mean I end up being a doormat much of the time). But it’s starting to get to me and I don’t know if I should do something to change my way of interacting, or to draw her attention to how those comments hurt sometimes, or if this is just kind of the natural aftershocks of somebody trying to maintain a friendship while they get over a crush, and I just need to ride out the weirdness and not let it shake my sense of being generally competent enough.

A:

Vanessa: Hi! You’re doing a GREAT JOB BEING A PERSON and your friend is being kind of a jerk! Let’s start with that!

Malic: I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong here. You’re the one who’s being super thoughtful about how you interact with this friend, and you’ve consistently tried to open up clear communication with her — she’s the one who’s shutting the conversation down. I’m guessing that when you rejected her, even though you did it kindly, it felt bad (this doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong — rejection just hurts!), and now she won’t let you forget it. That kind of behavior is NOT OK. You don’t deserve to be punished for being clear and honest. The next time your friend does something like this, tell her that it’s bothering you and set a boundary (maybe something like, “If you’re not willing to talk about your feelings around this, then I need you to stop bringing up that old conversation”). If she can’t respect your boundaries, then it’s time to reassess the friendship.

Carolyn: I strongly agree with both Vanessa and Malic! In case you want to hear it from one of us, it also sounds like you’re a fantastic communicator and I don’t think she’s right. ANd no matter how well you communicate you can’t be responsible for what someone feels about what you communicate, and in this case it sounds like your friend is acting like feelings are something you inserted into her body with your words (not how feelings work) as opposed to a natural result of her having a crush on you and you, reasonably and clearly, addressing that you do not feel the same way. Finally, if you have someone in your life who makes you feel like you can never do anything right, I would gently consider whether or not you still want that person around.

Kayla: You are not horrible and stupid for saying no. In fact, you seem very capable of honest communication, setting boundaries, and expressing empathy and kindness while also advocating for yourself. Honestly: Good work! Those are important skills that not everyone has. It sounds like your friend is feeling insecure and rejected, which absolutely does not excuse her behavior at all, but it might help contextualize it. She clearly still wants to be your friend, but she’s kind of sucking at showing up as a friend, because she’s saying things that are forcing guilt upon you, and even if it’s not totally intentional on her part, it’s still not fair to you. Also just because someone else interprets your behavior as flirting DOES NOT MEAN you are actually flirting! Flirting requires intent! Accidental flirting is not a thing! And you have been clear to her about what you want/how you feel/where you’re at, so if she’s continuing to ignore that and saying that you’re flirting with her WHEN YOU ARE NOT, that really boils down to her problem and not yours.

Q4:

Seeking advice and ideas for when I’ve cried a LOT and my eyes are really itchy for like…the rest of the day?? and also the next morning the skin directly around my eyes are super dry and it feels miserable? Do any of y’all have that experience and do you have products that will make me feel like I love and care for myself and tears are a beautiful, healthy, and normal reaction to the horror show of the world we live in?

I don’t wear makeup so I’m not looking for like cover-up or anything like that, just something to bring down the itchiness / dryness.

Thank youuuuuuuuu

Meg: Tears are in fact an appropriate and healthy reaction to the horrors of 2020, and caring for yourself after a good cry is a beautiful thing. I like to keep a container of hydrogel eye mask patches in the refrigerator (these are my current favorite; these are an even cheaper alternative), which helps gently soothe overheated or agitated skin and will also help moisturize your delicate eye area. If you’d prefer something reusable, a gel eye mask in the fridge or the freezer is great for post-cry recovery, and can also help with headaches, migraines, hangovers, or whatever else might be ailing you. Lastly, to wake up without those pesky itchy eyes, I adore this particular overnight eye gel, which is soothing, hydrating, and lasts forever.

Malic: Hello! Fellow weeper and non-makeup-wearer here! I use redness relief eye drops in my actual eyeballs (I just buy whatever generic brand is cheapest). On the skin underneath my eyes, I love Burt’s Bees Eye Brightening Treatment for redness and sweet almond oil for dryness.

Carolyn: Yes to all the chemical solutions, and also if you find yourself needing to use drops multiple times a day every day, I recommend – as my eye surgeon once did – using saline-solution-only drops at least part of the time to avoid a build-up of toxicity.

Kayla: I second all the cooling eye mask recs, but also, in a pinch: throw some spoons in the freezer and use them under/around eyes to help with itchiness/puffiness. It won’t hydrate as well as a mask, but it’s a quick fix and can feel quite soothing after a big cry.

Vanessa: All of the above answers are perfect – I particularly love the reusable gel eye mask that Meg suggested. I also want to throw in one last additional suggestion, which is chamomile tea bags! Once you’ve brought the redness and puffiness down with cold ice things, you can soothe the skin and relax your eyes and your whole self by steeping a couple of chamomile tea bags, letting them cool for a little bit (THIS STEP IS VERY IMPORTANT, DO NOT PUT THE BOILING HOT TEA BAGS ON YOUR EYELIDS!!!), then leaning back and resting them on your eyelids for a while. It makes me feel like I’m at a spa and is very soothing.

Q5:

How do y’all deal with anti-vaxxers/covid deniers? It’s something that’s cropping up on the fringes of my life at the moment — an aunt and uncle I barely know posting conspiracy vids on facebook, a friend from university who I was never that close to sharing a wildly inaccurate anti-vax video on facebook, a local health food shop having a ‘how to refuse a vaccine’ poster on the counter.

It provokes a visceral response in me (I get super upset and angry) and I go and do lots of research as to why they’re wrong, but I can’t find a way of approaching these people that would actually be helpful, particularly as I don’t have a close relationship with any of them. At the same time I do not want to let this shit slide as it will only get worse, and I really can see factual inaccuracies in the information they are presenting!

Any tips or experiences welcome!

A:

Jehan: I don’t know that you’ll like my response, but I think you really are going to have to ignore the vast majority of these posts. I’m sorry to hear that they’re causing you to experience visceral reactions, but I think that’s all the more reason to get really familiar with your block button on whatever social media platform these fools are bombing with their misinformation. If we’ve learned anything in the last couple of years, the internet’s echo chamber often means that people are either looking for solidarity and looking to start shit. I think that if these were people you were closer to, I’d recommend reaching out to them offline to have a heart-to-heart, but as it is these relationships are tenuous at best. The likelihood they’ll truly hear anything you have to say is slim to none, so better to block or defriend them and hopefully spare yourself the anxiety they bring.

Vanessa: I just want to strongly second Jehan here. One of the most frustrating things about being alive is that there are so many people who will never hear you, no matter what you tell them or how you say it. It’s not that you’re wrong to feel your feelings in the least – it’s just that practically, there’s really nothing you can do to change these people. Most people are not going to change their behavior at this point. Everyone seems to have decided how they are handling (or mishandling) our shared lived reality, and wasting your precious energy trying to argue and change minds right now is a mostly fruitless endeavor. That said, it’s possible you’re wanting to argue with these folks because you’d like to be more in control, or because you’re hoping to keep others safe, etc. I would take the gut reaction you’re having and really examine where it’s coming from and what feelings it’s rooted in, and then try to tap into the things you can control – your own actions, your living space – and focus on them.

Q6:

Has anyone else experienced guilt/regret about the person they were before starting a mental health medication? I recently started an antidepressant for anxiety and depression and am so pleased with the changes and how I’m feeling. Other people in my life (that I trust) have also picked up on the changes and are supportive. Someone even told me I seem like a new person. That’s truly great, but I weirdly keep thinking about past relationships, and even past friendships, where I did not communicate well, didn’t handle my emotional regulation well, and didn’t have great skills, to put it simply. It’s over and in the past now, but I’m kicking myself for not taking action about my mental health and trying to get help earlier. I can’t know if medication would have “changed” me enough then to have changed those outcomes, of course, but I feel some guilt and sadness that I can’t go back and find out. Can anyone relate? I feel a little nuts but this was an effect of starting medication that didn’t cross my mind, and IDK how to handle it. Thank you!

A:

Malic: I’m so happy to hear that you’re feeling more stable! First, I hope you’ll give yourself a little more credit — medication alone didn’t change you. You put in the work to seek treatment, and I’m guessing you may have experimented with different medications and different dosages before you found something that worked for you. So go ahead and congratulate yourself on making that happen!

I’m not currently medicated for any of my mental illnesses, but I relate HARD to this question. I recovered from an eating disorder several years ago, and I’m ashamed of how I treated the people I love when I was neck deep in anorexia-induced anxiety. I’m also embarrassed that it took me so damn long to start trying to get better. When I’m overwhelmed with shame about past actions, here’s what I tell myself — I couldn’t recover from my eating disorder until I was ready to recover. If I had tried to recover before I was ready, it probably wouldn’t have had a lasting effect or wouldn’t have worked at all. There is no version of the past in which I could have “gotten better” sooner, and that might be true for you, too. You couldn’t seek treatment until you were ready. But you did it! And the people around you are noticing a change.

Jehan: Malic’s answer is very beautiful and truthful, so I’ll just add that I am also really glad to hear you’re feeling more stable! That’s truly an achievement and you should be really proud of yourself. I recently began medication for my mental health, and it’s the first time for me, too. In the time leading up to my decision to start medication, I do think that guilt tried to creep up, but I was reminded of some kind words from my doctor about how medicine isn’t a magic fix. You are still doing the work of being self-aware and taking care of yourself, and of being thoughtful and intentional within your relationships. I think you should add being gentle with yourself to that list. I really think that most of us are truly doing our best with what we have at whatever stage we are in. As Malic said, it’s about being ready and it’s often the accumulation of our past experiences that gets us to that point of ready. You’re doing an amazing job and I’m just thrilled you’re happy with the changes you’re experiencing and that your circle is offering you the support you deserve!

Q7:

I feel really silly asking this question here BUT I don’t know a better place to get writing advice than from a bunch of queer people who literally write for a living!! So here goes:

As a child/teen I used to write constantly. It was really truly the way I processed experiences and the main vehicle I used to cope with hard things! And it came very naturally to me. I would journal and write short stories and poetry.

When I was in 9th grade, I caught my mom reading some of my very personal writings. It turns out that my mom and my sister had been going through the notebooks in my desk and reading my writings for YEARS. I felt so deeply violated and betrayed when I realized that these notebooks I had held so deeply close to me as a private, personal space to explore my feelings had been breached that I shredded and threw away almost all my notebooks. I essentially stopped writing almost completely after that, except for academic writing for school, even after I moved out of my parents’ house.

It’s been really really difficult for me to do any kind of journaling or personal writing since then. I kept a journal for a spell a few years ago when I was going through a depressive episode, but I put too much pressure on myself to make it “good” or “thoughtful” and it wasn’t therapeutic. I basically always have this fear that everything I write down will be read by someone, eventually, without my consent, so when I do write, I write like someone is looking over my shoulder and judging me. This paranoia keeps me from writing anything personal down, for fear someone will discover my innermost thoughts!

It’s been like, 13 years and I do miss writing! I often *think* about writing, like, I’ll compose little passages in my head at night when I’m falling asleep, but I almost never actually put anything on paper. I am in a safe environment, I live with my partner who I trust more than anything, but I still struggle to write creatively, especially when they are in the same room as me.

So, are there any writing exercises that are helpful to you? Books or articles on the writing process that inspire you? Recommendations on how to make writing feel good again?

A:

Carolyn: Personally, my relationship with writing – including personal journaling – changed when I started focusing on the process, not the result. With that in mind, and also aware that you shredded your notebooks after the violation, I recommend trying to go somewhere private, on paper you don’t feel precious about, with a writing instrument you don’t feel precious about; setting a timer to write for 25 minutes; and tearing it up directly after. How did it feel to write? How did it feel to let go of it? I’m interested in what might happen if you give yourself a space to simply write in a way where no one will ever read it. (And if eventually you start to feel better thinking about keeping the pages instead of tearing them up, deal with that then.)

Malic: I’m so sorry that your trust was violated in such a horrific way. It makes sense that you’d feel anxious about writing, and that’s not fair — you deserve to feel safe in your own notebook. Here are some ways to feel safe enough to write again:
1. Write alone. — Create your writing space in a room away from your partner. Shut the door. Ask your partner to give you space for the amount of time you’d like to write.
2. Create a pre-writing ritual. — Writing should happen in a sacred space! Light some candles. Turn on an oil diffuser. Say a prayer if that’s your thing. Put on music if that’s your thing. Move your work materials off of your desk to create a calm environment free of distractions.
3. Challenge yourself to free write. — Set a timer for 10 minutes. Write without your pen lifting off of the page. Write whatever you want. It doesn’t have to make sense. Do this before every writing session to open your mind and relax.

I also highly recommend reading Bird By Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Anne Lamott.

Kayla: OH MY GOD I AM SO MAD AT YOUR MOM AND SISTER GODDDDD. But I know that you already know that what they did was wrong and damaging in a long-term way, so let’s focus on the things you can do to reclaim freedom and autonomy in your writing practice. Write for yourself. I know, I know, easier said than done. But please try to stop yourself from thinking of an intentional OR unintentional audience for your writing when you’re just generating. I think Carolyn’s idea of writing something and then ripping it up is great advice for an exercise to try out. Free-write. If you start journaling, don’t be too precious about it if that ends up not being helpful to you. Like you do not need to date things/follow the same format every time. Consider chaos journaling (though I know it’s not for everyone). Everyone is a little different in terms of what they need out of a writing practice/space, so try different things out until you find what’s most comfortable for you. Read a lot! If you’re feeling stuck on writing, don’t force your way through it. Pause and maybe pick up a book. Reading is essential to writing. But the more you experiment with different practices and the less you think about the hypothetical of someone breaching your privacy, the more you’ll be able to seize control and write the things you want to write again.

Vanessa: I’m so sorry your mom and your sister betrayed your trust and violated your boundaries – what they did was not okay. I agree with some of the above advice that taking the pressure off yourself is a great way to begin. Have you heard of Morning Pages? I would strongly recommend checking them out and considering if you’re willing to try doing that for a couple of weeks to see if it sticks. I also wouldn’t get bogged down in consistency. It’s totally fine to write one journal entry, take a break for 6 weeks, and then write a few other journal entries. It’s also fine if you want to write every day. Anything goes! My one other suggestion is if you’re struggling with words, you can try journaling in other mediums. I love making a collage when I’m experiencing writer’s block, or going outside and taking film photos that I’ll later tape into my journals. The most important thing to remember is your journals are FOR YOU and should only answer to YOU. Your writing doesn’t belong to anyone except you, so only you have to be happy about it. Do whatever feels good, and good luck out there!

Q8:

Can you breakup with someone over how they take social distancing over a pandemic? How do you do that?

A:

Malic: Yes, you absolutely can. A person’s pandemic practices can literally mean life or death, and it’s critical for people in relationships to decide on practices together. It’s completely reasonable to say, “Your practices are putting me at risk of contracting a virus that could kill me and the people around us. If you’re not willing to respect my basic physical safety, I cannot be in a relationship with you.”

Carolyn: Yes. One partner caring about others’ lives and the other not is a fundamental mismatch. Malic’s phrasing is gold.

Jehan: I’m 100% behind Malic’s phrasing too. You most definitely can break up with someone for this. I would.

If you want to even add on that you’re disturbed by their willingness to put not just you, but also myriad others they don’t even know at risk, I would just say that it shows a deep and unsettling lack of concern for other people’s wellbeing, and you simply don’t share the same values.

Kayla: Yes, Malic really puts it in the most direct and correct terms. Pandemic behavior is not behavior that happens in a vacuum. It has EVERYDAY effects on EVERY PERSON your partner comes in contact with, and those effects are life or death. Also tbh if you have different priorities than your partner on this hugely important issue, you’re likely incompatible in myriad other ways, too.

Vanessa: ABSOLUTELY YOU SURE CAN. Also just want to take this moment to plug my strongest held belief which is that you can break up with someone for any reason. <3

Q9:

I’m sure a lot of us are in the same boat – COVID cases are rising where I live. There is a potential second lockdown coming soon. My friends are hanging out a lot – once or twice weekly. This is probably more frequent than the times we hung out pre-COVID. A lot of my friends live alone and I know this is their chance to be social – but why can’t it be virtual? I am in a different boat as I am currently living with my family. I pay attention to new daily cases and any changes the government recommends, whereas my friends do not, even though we live in a hotspot. Am I just being a stickler or should I be more understanding that they may feel the need to hang out physically as they live in single-person households?

I just have a lot of feelings when I see their frequent invitations to hangout. I feel FOMO, guilty (when I’m told I don’t come out as much), annoyed, angry all at once.

A:

Malic: Nope, you’re not being a stickler. Spending time in groups (I’m assuming umasked and inside?) is THE MOST RISKY activity you can be doing right now. It makes sense that you want to protect yourself, your friends and your family, and every time you choose not to join an unmasked, indoor group hangout, you are doing the right thing.

I understand why you feel angry — I live in Chicago, where 1 in 15 residents currently have COVID-19, and I am filled with rage every time I pass a restaurant filled with people. Some people are moving through this pandemic without concern for themselves or others, and it sucks when those people are your friends.

That said, you’re right that some folks who live alone might need a pandemic “pod” for mental health reasons or for physical health reasons (it’s nice to have someone who could drive you to the hospital in case of an emergency, etc.). But the smaller the pod, the safer those folks are. I’m not sure how big this group is, but it sounds like your friends’ practices could use an upgrade.

But here’s some good news: you can find creative ways to see your friends online or outside. I live alone and I’ve found plenty of ways to see my friends outside from an appropriate distance. We’ve even done things together that we never tried pre-pandemic, like walking through creepy cemeteries and drawing with sidewalk chalk. We’ve committed to outdoor hangs throughout the winter (and I even got myself new cold weather gear to help me brave the snow). Zoom isn’t the best, but it’s better than nothing.

Kayla: You’re not being a stickler; you’re being safe and responsible. And there’s definitely a way to have conversations with your friends about their practices/behaviors in a way that won’t come off as overly judgemental. Look, the pandemic has forced us all to have serious and sometimes awkward conversations with our loved ones. I understand the urge to feel guilty for being stricter about rules, but these rules are in place for a reason! And that reason is to SAVE LIVES! I have gotten so angry with some folks in my life who do not take safety seriously, and it’s forced me to have conversations with them but also just evaluate what’s best for me and others. That could mean distancing yourself from your friends if they’re behaving in ways that seem reckless! Which sucks. Especially during such an isolating time. But these things aren’t just small differences of opinion—they’re life or death. Be upfront with your friends about why you don’t join their hangouts. But also suggest alternative activities that ARE safe. Zoom game nights, outdoor distanced hangs, etc. Everyone should be reframing and rethinking the way they socialize until it’s safe for EVERYONE to socialize again.

Vanessa: I don’t think you’re being a stickler, and I think it’s honestly kind of cruel for your friends to chastise you for not coming out as much. We are in a pandemic! Absolutely nothing is business as usual right now, it’s very regular to respond accordingly and stay home instead of seeing friends. You’re making the right choice, not just for you but also objectively. You are doing the right thing. One thing I want to address is the way you end your question – “Am I just being a stickler or should I be more understanding that they may feel the need to hang out physically as they live in single-person households?” I think what this question says to me, personally, is: I feel judgmental, and is that okay? To which I say… yes, it is okay. It’s great that you’re considering all sides of the issue and noting that they may be feeling more lonely than you are, but it’s still okay to privately feel angry and upset with loved ones about how they’re handling Covid.

Q10:

My close friend and I have a long-term (awesome) friends-with-benefits relationship. We have been having sex intermittently for the past 2+ years and have been friends for 8. We haven’t been fucking recently because of covid but we talk a lot, and she recently said to me that she feels her sexuality is “gay man”; she has used this label for herself before, almost always joking but serious, and I find it confusing, as my friend does not identify as trans or non-binary, but I also understand that gender is a journey and she should be free to explore that in any and all ways. My issue is it’s hard not to take slightly personally that this identity implies she is not attracted to me, as I identify as a cis woman. She almost exclusively fucks cis men, with me being the longest term exception. When we have sex, I end up topping a lot, which I like, but it’s hard to hear her refer to herself in these terms and not feel like she is not attracted to me and or my gender, especially during this period where we aren’t fucking. This interacts with my insecurities about desirability in an uncomfortable way, and I wondered if you might have any insight into what she means by this, or how I might be better accepting of her statement and her attractions.

A:

Jehan: I’m sorry, this sounds like an awkward and potentially painful situation. I really think the only way to resolve any of this is to just ask her what she meant when she said that about her sexuality. I think getting an answer, no matter what it is, will at least put this particular issue to rest.

However, I think a bigger conversation is needed—meaning I do think it’s worth asking yourself if this situation of FWB is still working for you. When was the last time you two really discussed your arrangement and had an honest talk about what your feelings were for the other, expectations, etc.? I think you need to have that deeper conversation with her, but first maybe do some self-reflection and be truthful with yourself about your feelings for her. My sense is they’re more than just FWB at this point. Brace yourself for whatever she may say. I suggest you do this beforehand because if she’s starting to question her gender, that’s a huge experience and shift for someone and she will need a friend to be there for her as she works through her feelings.

You don’t ever say that you’ve asked her about what she means when she says she identifies as a gay man, or asked her about how she identifies, period. And the fact that her gender experience is only explained as it relates to you makes me think that you’re not being clear with yourself about how you feel for her. I don’t mean to sound harsh, just offering an uncomfortable observation that I hope you’ll think about and how letting these things continue to go unaddressed may really impact your relationship down the road.

Q11:

I’m Jewish. I don’t celebrate Christmas and never have. Some Jews celebrate Christmas that doesn’t make them any less Jewish, but not celebrating Christmas is a big part of my Jewish identity and non-assimilation-ism. Christmas in the US is always unavoidable (even in a world where I barely leave my house) and I survive this every year. Now I have a lovely girlfriend who loves Christmas. She wants to decorate, and to celebrate in various ways, and I love that for her. But! I don’t want to participate. How do I honor and respect her celebration without compromising myself?

A:

Jehan: Have you talked to your girlfriend about your feelings about Christmas? I know it can be tricky; I don’t know if she’s one of those people who feels VERY STRONGLY about Christmas, but I definitely know a lot of folks tend to have intense feelings about this particular holiday (I say this as someone who plays the Hall & Oates holiday album and sings along at full voice every single year). At any rate, if she doesn’t know about how the Christmas-ization season makes you feel, especially how it relates to your Jewish identity, then please please be sure to talk to her! Your position is completely understandable and I would hope that her love of Christmas doesn’t mean that she wants you to feel more uncomfortable than you already do by the over-the-top nature of this season. I’m assuming you live together since you bring up decorations, and I’m wondering if you all can reach a compromise where she keeps the decorations to certain areas of your home that you both can agree on.

When I was a kid, my parents went for more subtle decor (sometimes) and would put fake candles in the windows of our house that looked really pretty from the street. Maybe something like that could work for you two? Especially given the importance of candles within both Jewish and Christian traditions. The other thing is that you say she wants to celebrate, but without specifics it’s hard to suggest ways to compromise. But I think as long as you’re clear that you don’t want to participate, maybe suggest she puts on headphones if Christmas music is her jam, and you can both agree on some space-specific/limited decor, you’ll both be able to get what you need.

Vanessa: Hi! Happy almost-Hanukkah, first of all. Now, your question. I have some questions back for you! Here they are: what does “celebrating Christmas” look like for your girlfriend, and could you do some of those items in a religion-free way? Why does your girlfriend love Christmas? Does your girlfriend know your negative feelings about Christmas? Will she be celebrating Hanukkah with you? I guess what I’m getting at is that it’s okay for you and your girlfriend to feel different ways about the winter holidays (or any holiday, or any thing, tbh!) but if it would bring her joy for you to be present with her on Christmas or to celebrate with her before Christmas, I wonder if you’d be willing to compromise – more specifically, I wonder if celebrating something meaningful with your girlfriend has to compromise your values, or if it’s possible to maintain your own personal code of behavior around the holidays while also allowing yourself to witness and participate in your girlfriend’s traditions. I realize that’s kind of what you’re asking us to help you with, but I’m turning the question back around because the truth is this is something only you in your heart and soul and brain and body can answer. Here are the things that would guide me – because I don’t know the specifics of your scenario, I find myself wondering about some big relationship and internal questions. Is it a compromise to take on a religious celebration that means something to a partner? Is there a way to stay true to oneself and share in a religion that is not one’s own? How much of oneself can we compromise? Is supporting your partner during a thing they love that does not resonate with you a compromise, is it something different than a compromise, is it just something we do in relationships sometimes, is it something you could do but will then resent? What do you ask for in this relationship? Does your girlfriend show up for you? Does she see and value your Judaism and does she celebrate it as well as her own religion, or do you feel like you are not seen by her? What would your ideal “holigay season” look like? How can you show up for your partner while not betraying your self? I don’t know the answer to these questions for you and your girlfriend, but it might be worth it to sit with them yourself and then proceed with the information you find. I also think it could be valuable, once you’ve considered your own thoughts and feelings, to bring them to your girlfriend and see how you both feel. I wish you luck in navigating this – I believe you can!

Q12:

Hi!

I’m a big believer in straight-forward (so to speak) communication, but I have no idea how to begin this conversation with my friend.

In the past year or so, I’ve been going by Teddy and they/them pronouns in social situations, and I’m working on making my new name stick at work. With the pandemic, a lot of my socialization has moved online, and it’s actually broadened some of my friend groups. A newish friend, who I’ve only ever chatted with over discord/at virtual game nights, and who only knows me by Teddy, came out to our friend group as trans not a long ago. I am 1000% thrilled and supportive of her. There’s just one wrinkle… HER new chosen name is MY old given name.

How do I deal with this? I can’t ask her to choose a different name! But I also don’t want to hear my (fairly uncommon, extremely feminine) given name, which I only just got my siblings to stop using, all the time! Also, I care about this friend and I want to be there for her right now!

What do I do?
Teddy (they/them)

A:

Malic: This sounds like a super weird situation, but it will probably feel less awkward over time. When I first changed my name, it was hard to hear my old one in any context. Now I feel so removed from my given name that I almost forget it was ever mine. So advice bit #1: Give it time. And advice bit #2: Try humor.

I changed my name to Malic when I was 18. When I was 23, I started dating a woman whose name was my given name. It was uncomfortable at first, but I really liked her and I wasn’t going to let her name deter me from a great relationship. Eventually, I worked up the courage to tell her that her name was my old name. We laughed about it and even joked about it occasionally — seeing it as a funny coincidence instead of a horrifying reminder made a huge difference for me. Would you be comfortable sharing your old name with your friend? If you can laugh about it together, it might ease some of the discomfort you’re feeling.

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