Welcome to the 22nd edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

Q1:

When I have sex with a penis-haver, a lot of the time when I orgasm the muscles in my vagina squeeze such that the penis comes out, which is not ideal. I’ve heard things about vaginas flexing or orgasming in a way that sucks it in more than pushes it out, and I think it involves pelvic floor muscles? Regardless, if such a thing is possible, I’d love to learn how to do it and can’t easily find the answer using google, so I figured I’d ask. Also, I’d love to use a strapless strap on and I think a lot of the same vagina muscle techniques come into play. So could you guys maybe have something about 101 pelvic floor muscles, what they are, what they’re capable of & fun ways to use them, and how to exercise so that you can do those things? I think recently Malic White mentioned in an article or something that they used them to control squirting too.

A:

Vanessa: Hello! So I happen to be close friends with Dr. Lizz Rubin, former Autostraddle contributor and current OB-GYN, so I decided to bring your question to her! Here are some of her thoughts, with the caveat that as the question is initially phrased she did have a lot of follow up questions and emphasized that the best way to get answers for your specific situation is to go see a specialist – “A pelvic floor physical therapist is going to be the person who knows best.”

But okay, back to her questions, which I think can be a guiding force in how you go about handling how you’d like to move forward: Does it hurt when you have penetrative sex? How is your partner experiencing this? Does the squeezing feel good to them, does it hurt, does it feel neutral? Would you prefer the penis to stay in because it would increase your pleasure, or is something else driving this? Do you anticipate when the squeezing will happen, and if yes, does your partner maybe just need a heads up so they can keep their penis pushed in more with their hips? Are there options that include bigger penises/dildos rather than trying to retrain your vagina? Are there changes the two of you can make together so this doesn’t feel like “your problem” to solve?

As for the strapless strap, Dr. Rubin suggests you just give it a try, see what happens. Ditto to kegel balls. However, she does note that people who experience pain during sex can actually make it worse if they do kegels wrong, so while in general I’m a fan of “just go for it” mentality when it comes to sex, it does seem that seeking out more specialized input might be your best bet here.

If you do want to experiment with kegels, here is the official “how to do kegels” from the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists:

Pelvic Support Problems | ACOG

How are Kegel exercises done?

• Squeeze the muscles that you use to stop the flow of urine. This contraction pulls the vagina and rectum up and back.
• Hold for 3 seconds, then relax for 3 seconds.
• Do 10 contractions three times a day.
• Increase your hold by 1 second each week. Work your way up to 10-second holds.
• Make sure you are not squeezing your stomach, thigh, or buttock muscles. You also should breathe normally. Do not hold your breath as you do these exercises

This is the professional society for pelvic floor physical therapists (they have good patient info in how to explain pelvic floor stuff and what to expect at a pelvic floor PT appointment):

If you’re worried about seeing a doctor, you can always cross-check on them on kink aware professionals (www.kapprofessionals.org). Not all providers are on there but some are which is cool.

In conclusion, this is hard to answer without a professional giving you an exam, but hopefully these questions and this info will empower you to seek out more info for yourself. I wish you and your sex partner(s) lots of fun experimenting!

Q2:

Hi folks!

SO, after not dating for 4+ years, I have my first date (socially distanced, masked, outside) with someone!

NOW, I have a couple of things that are making me anxious, and I know that Autostraddle is helpful with these kind of things.

This is a date with a person who is 39 (while I am 30!) When looking up “important tips for dating an older women” — I was met with WAYyyyy to much straight nightmares of people and it made me angry (no lesbian, queer). Luckily, Autostraddle had one article a hop and a skip ago!

However, I would love to hear from the panel about some more contemporary tips for a VERY recent 30-year-old dating someone/going on dates with someone who will be 40 soon!

Also, one big reason I haven’t dated in the past four years is that I am trans and the past four years I’ve gotten to a point of passing as a man in public spaces. I’m coming into this date with NO idea about what to expect when it comes to unconscious gender expectations of dating (I’ve never been on a date as a masculine presence?!). I am non-binary/genderqueer — but I hold onto my queer womanhood as a part of who I am.

A:

Jehan: First, dear letter writer, congratulations on getting back out into the dating world! It seems to me that the age difference is actually a bit of a red herring. You buried the lede a bit here, because what seems most relevant is your transition. It totally makes sense that dating is so nerve-wracking for you because the last time you did date, you presented and potentially identified quite differently! My major piece of advice here is to just be gentle with yourself. I very much understand your concerns about unconscious gender expectations, but I think those are for your date to worry about and to self-correct, not something that you actually need to attend to.

I’m also just a huge fan of naming what the stakes are so that the anxiety is confronted head on and — usually — greatly minimized in doing so. Just be upfront with your date and let them know that you’re nervous, and specifically that you’re just getting back into dating, and for the first time as a more masculine presenting person. They have already confirmed that they want to be on a date with you so you’ve already got a fair amount of assurance that they’ll have an understanding and hopefully reassuring response.

You talk a little bit about the age difference, but if your punctuation/capitalization is a clue, it seems you’re less concerned that your date is 39 but that you are a “VERY” recent 30 (“!”) year old. Which is understandable. I handled turning 30 not as well as I could have and it is indeed a big moment in a person’s life, because you likely still feel like you’re in your 20s, and thus forever young (I could be projecting here but hopefully you see where I’m headed). I think the ethos behind “I’m recently 30″ is a way of saying “I’m still kinda in my 20s,” which just feels less adult, less responsible, and also a lot further away from 39. But like the lovely AS article you pointed out, I’m happy to anecdotally affirm that the nine years between 30 and 39 are not as big as they may seem. I would have a different answer if you were 20 and your date 29, but at this point, the differences in you all’s experiences are such that they can be points of conversation and getting to know each other at this early stage. I’m two years into a May-December relationship and I absolutely love it. My partner is 13 years older than me and we hardly ever notice it. And when the differences in our experiences do show up, it’s almost always about something innocuous like a pop culture reference, which gives us both a giggle.

If anything, your date’s age hopefully means they’ve got a certain amount of maturity and understanding and will be all the more affirming and respectful about your dating nerves. Again, this person has already agreed to go on a date with you. And while we don’t know more about them than their age, we know that they’re interested in you. And that’s the most important thing.

Malic: Congrats on getting back out there in the dating world! I love pandemic dating because the stakes are pretty low — if it doesn’t work out, you probably won’t be running into that person all over the place since group events aren’t happening much and we’re spending most of our time at home.

I don’t think you need to dwell on your difference on a first date, but if this ends up turning into a relationship, here are my thoughts on age differences:

I was in a long-term relationship with someone who was 19 years older than me. At first, I was self-conscious about my lack of maturity. I was terrified of looking like a bumbling fool, and I did sometimes! Fortunately, my partner understood. If you share the worries I had, remember that the person you’re dating has their own worries, too. Society has decided that aging is ugly and shameful, and my partner definitely expressed worries about aging in front of a partner who was so young. Age gap dating comes with insecurities on both sides, but if you can talk about them openly and move past them, these kinds of relationships can be incredibly exciting and fulfilling!

Regarding your gender worries: be up front with this person about your experience. Tell them that this is new for you, and “new” doesn’t have to mean “scary.” It can be a fun adventure for the two of you to figure out together if you end up dating for a while.

Kayla: I co-sign Jehan’s very comprehensive answer! I also can say from my current experience (living with a partner who is 12 years older) that age gaps can often be…a very surface-level difference. I don’t think you need to think about it much at all heading into a first date. If the date leads to a longer-term situation though, then yeah, it’s something that will technically come up from time to time! But as long as both people are communicative and there aren’t any bad power dynamics that affect the relationship, it’s only going to come up when you’re, like, talking about specific pop culture and stuff like that. You’d be surprised how little it actually matters! But at the same time, it’s absolutely normal to talk about it instead of just ignoring the age difference entirely. I think the key is articulating any insecurities you might have as soon as they come up.

Carolyn: I love and agree with all these very comprehensive answers! Having spent a lot of time dating folks exactly ten years older than me, including one domestic partnership, I do think that sometimes age can matter — but no more than any other lifestyle difference. For instance, on a first date, it’s not necessarily a big deal if someone wants kids and someone else doesn’t — you’re not going to create the kids on the date (…probably), so you can make decisions on the date without that fact informing those decisions. However, if one person knows they definitely do want kids and another definitely doesn’t, if the person who does is older, there’s more of a built-in point beyond which the relationship should not progress unless there’s an alignment. On the other hand, that issue can come up regardless of age gap! If partners are in school (still, or for a later round) or not in school, starting a business versus having a 9 to 5, into building a life around community versus not, etc., those differences can potentially have far more of an impact than years ever will.

But none of that really matters on a first date, either. What matters most on a first date is, do you want to have a second date with this person? Do you feel curious enough about them (and they about you) that you want to see them again? That’s it. Feel it out, try to let go of some of the anxiety if you can, and stay in the present moment.

Vanessa: I am very very very into everyone’s answers above, and I also just want to chime in that as someone who is currently dating someone 9 years older than me (I’m 31, she’s 40), I feel more in sync and at ease with her than I ever have with any previous partners, even the one who was born 2 weeks apart from me! One thing that I don’t think my brilliant co-workers have touched on that you mentioned in your question is how a lot of the resources you were finding dealt with straight relationships, and I do think it’s useful to note that the way straight people view connection vs. the way queer people view connection often just does not align at all. A good friend of mine is currently going through a divorce and she’s received so much well-intentioned but completely bizarre advice about starting to date again from her straight friends, and they all come from this space of sexism and patriarchy and it’s like, you can sort of see why they view things that way but also it’s deeply confusing and depressing… so I just want to say I think when you dive back into dating both with this person and with anyone in the future, feel free to completely disregard anything any straight person has to say. Just totally ignore it! It sounds like I’m not being serious but I’m being totally serious. Anyway I hope you have so much fun on your date, and if this date doesn’t work out, I hope you have fun on another date in the future! I’m excited for you. It’s gonna be great.

Q3:

I’m in grad school. A very cute lady in my cohort asked me if I’d like to get coffee because “you seem really cool and I’d love to get to know you better :)”

Is this a date? Am I being asked on a date? Will I ruin a potential friendship if I ask her if this is a date? I don’t usually have strong feelings about dating but I am gay panicking all over the place here.

Anyway I doubt you’ll answer this before the maybe-maybe-not-date-question-mark? happens but I had an all-consuming need to scream about it anyway.

A:

Jehan: So as a fellow grad student, I think it’s important to know where you are in your program. Assuming this is a PhD program, are you both first years? ABD and now writing your dissertations? This matters because if you’re both new to the program then it could very much be a friendly coffee. If you’re second years or above then I think there’s a stronger chance it’s more flirtatious since you would have presumably had a little more time to get to know each other, even just as cohort-mates, in the previous semesters before Covid. I do think it’s important to be a bit cautious in how you tread here, just because if you two are early in your program, there will be plenty of times that you have to be in the same space together for a few years to come. My suggestion is just to see where the coffee takes you, see how the conversation flows, what vibes do or don’t arise, and then, if your spirit is flaring inside that *this feels like a date* I think you should feel free to clarify, but somewhere in the middle/towards the end of your hang. Good luck!

Malic: You don’t know if this is a date, and, chances are, your colleague doesn’t know if it’s a date either. Sometimes “I’d love to get to know you better” is code for “I want to feel this out and see if I’d like to ask you out on a proper date.” Treat it like a friend hangout until this person says otherwise or until you get a very clear “date vibe” and then, like Jehan said, feel free to clarify. Have fun and good luck!

Kayla: Unfortunately the only way to know FOR SURE if you’re on a date when someone hasn’t explicitly called it a date is to ask!!!! You have the option of asking beforehand, which for some people could actually ease any pre-coffee hang anxiety by making the terms clear from the start. Or you could wait and feel out the vibe of the hang and go from there. But you might still have to ask! But it’s possible that the person will provide some verbal clues at the beginning of the hang. Regardless, I personally don’t think a potential friendship will be ruined by you asking if it’s a date or not. It might be a little awkward for a second, but life is full of inevitable awkwardness!

Vanessa: I’m not sure if it’s a date (if you’re right and we answered this after the date occurred I’d love an update about if it was indeed a date!) but I will say I urge strongly against dating people in your cohort, at your workplace, etc etc because when things end it can just be so fraught. I say this as someone who didn’t take my own advice and hooked up with two people in my MFA program over the course of two years and it was really tricky when things ended both times and I wished I had kept things friendly instead of romantic/sexual with both people! That said, I’m well aware that no one ever listens to advice they don’t want and didn’t ask for when it comes to dating and romance, so I will say I think everyone has given great suggestions already about how to decipher if it’s a date and if you even need to decipher it, and I hope whatever happens is exactly what you want to happen, goddess bless, amen!

Q4:

Hi team,

I’m a few years out of college, unemployed, and feeling totally frozen in regards to what next steps look like in regards to a job/career. Firing off applications to job postings online isn’t proving effective, and more than that — I don’t know what I want to DO with my life! I know a lot of 20-somethings are in this boat. How did you know what job to choose? What or who was helpful for you, if you were ever at this scary stuck place?

Big gratitude,

R

PS. Wondering if you have any stats on the jobs / careers of Autostraddle readers? Would be curious.

A:

Nicole: Just responding to your P.S. here: I am so glad you asked because I have a post in the works about all the different and fascinating jobs A+ members told us they have! This data is from the most recent Autostraddle Reader Survey. It’s definitely inspiring to see the sheer variety in the work our community is doing and the skills and knowledge that you all have. Keep an eye out for that A+ post, and also, be kind to yourself. This is not an easy time to be job hunting, that is for sure.

Malic: I cannot imagine what it’s like to graduate into this mess! I hope you’re being gentle with yourself and getting lots of emotional support from friends and/or family and/or a mental health professional, because this shit is a wild ride.

“What do I DO with my life?!” is a big, scary question, but here’s some good news: you don’t have to do just one thing or choose a specific career path. You’re only recently in the post-college workforce, so it’s important to explore before you get stuck in a long-term career commitment that doesn’t end up working for you.

I’m 30 years old, I still don’t have a “career” and I’m very, very happy with my life. I’m less of a “career person” and more of a “project person,” so I spent my 20s chasing whatever projects felt exciting to me. I worked as a film actor. I wrote plays for a theater company. I dabbled in journalism. I toured as a stand-up comedian. I even got trained as a sex educator. Since I haven’t chosen a specific path, I’m not exactly moving up a corporate ladder and raking in tons of money. However, I’m super clear on what my skills and interests are, I’m comfortable in a variety of work environments and (thanks to a decade of cobbling together an income from multiple jobs) I’m excellent at managing money.

So don’t choose a career right now! Try stuff. Apply for jobs that sound interesting (and safe) for you right now. You don’t have to stick with them. You might have to work some jobs you don’t like along the way, but that’s ok! You’ll learn something from all of them, even if you can’t see what that is right away.

Kayla: The job you have now doesn’t have to be your job forever. The idea of a linear career path is an idea created and perpetuated by capitalism, and while we can’t really opt out of capitalism ENTIRELY because it’s so embedded in our society, you really don’t have to think about jobs/careers in this super linear, “how it’s supposed to go” sort of way. People switch careers all the time or dabble in several or have side gigs and main gigs etc etc. That’s not aimless or unfocused! In fact, I think it’s cool when people are able to move around to pursue different interests, and I think “late-in-life” career switches should be NORMALIZED. Maybe if you’re able to shift your thinking away from “what am I going to DO with my life” to “the thing I do right now does not have to be the thing I do forever” it could help you figure out your priorities when it comes to job seeking.

Vanessa: First of all, I just wanna say I empathize, and I’m sorry you’re in this position. I just graduated grad school in May of this year and the job market feels (and is) so bleak. It completely makes sense to feel overwhelmed, scared, tired, confused, or any other way you’re feeling. You are not alone.

Second of all, I really agree with Malic and Kayla that the job you have now does not have to be your forever job, and that the idea of “careers” as some folks of older generations ascribed to won’t necessarily exist for us – and while that can be frustrating, it’s also okay.

Third of all, to speak to the part of your question about what was helpful to me, I will say this is kind of corny but there’s a quote from Cheryl Strayed’s advice column, Dear Sugar, that bumps around my head a lot: “You don’t have a career. You have a life.” Part of life is making money, yes, but it’s not the whole thing. In fact I would say most people aim to make money simply to be able to fund the rest of their life.

Finally – don’t be afraid to experiment! One of my closest friends is in their 5th season as a seasonal trail worker at a nearby national park, all because they did a Northwest Youth Corps Leadership Development Program when they were going through a particularly bad breakup and needed to GTFO of town. I have lots of friends who thought they were going to do one thing for work and have completely changed their path multiple times since we graduated college. It’s allowed, it’s natural, and it’s part of figuring out what you’re going to do with your life. But it’s not your whole life.

When you close your eyes and dream of the life you want, what do you see outside of labor? Focus on how you can start cultivating the life that matters to you – whether the focus is activism, community, creativity, family, etc – and let your job be something that you do to make money. It doesn’t need to be your identity, it doesn’t need to be What You Do With Your Life. Your life is going to happen no matter what your job is; take some of the stress away from finding “the dream job” or “your life’s purpose in a job” and just focus on your life, period.

Q5:

My girlfriend and I are both on the asexual spectrum. We’ve gotten a lot better over the past few years at communicating our boundaries and desires, but there is one thing that keeps nagging at me. In general, she tends to not initiate kissing, sex, cuddling, etc., which often makes me feel unwanted, clingy, and just generally shitty. We have talked about this multiple times before, and she has stated that it usually just doesn’t occur to her, especially in the moment of us hanging out, and that she doesn’t mind if I bring it up. I’ve expressed that I would prefer her to say something/act on it if and when it ever does occur to her, and she’s agreed, but nothing much has changed. I’m happy to compromise if the issue is that she just isn’t into it as much, but she is adamant that that is not the case, and she is down for it many of the times that I ask/initiate something. However, knowing that if anything is going to happen I will have to bring it up and bear the burden of vulnerability in voicing what I want every single time is wearing me down. Perhaps it’s worse because of quarantine, but I have been feeling generally undesired and clingy lately. It doesn’t feel like a balance or like a give and take, and even though I know she’s not just humoring me, that’s kind of what it feels like. On top of this, I’ve gained a lot of weight recently and feel extra bad and undesirable. Also, when I do initiate things I tend to come across as hesitant or nervous, which she has poked fun at. Anyway, I’m just not sure how to approach this with her, and if what I’m feeling is valid or edging into whiny clingy weirdo territory. I don’t want to have the same conversation again only for nothing to change, again, except for momentary reassurance. Help?

A:

Malic: A lot of us are dealing with changes in our bodies’ shape and size during the pandemic. That can lead to self-conscious feelings, especially if you’re already feeling undesired. It makes sense that you’d feel a little uneasy initiating physical contact with your partner, and it’s absolutely not ok for your partner to make fun of you for that. I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that this isn’t coming from a malicious place — she probably just doesn’t know what you’re going through. If you haven’t been direct with your partner about your body stuff, it’s time to address it. Vulnerability is hard, but if you don’t let you partner in, she won’t know how to support you.

Before I get into the subject of initiating physical intimacy, I should let you know that I’m not an asexual person, so I’m answering this from a non-asexual perspective. You’re not being clingy — desiring touch and closeness, especially in these fucked up times, is normal, and it makes sense that you want your partner to give a little. In relationships that involve any form of physical intimacy, I think it’s really important for all partners involved to initiate that intimacy. When initiation falls on one person, that’s a whole lot of pressure! You’ve already asked your partner to initiate more, and from what you said, she hasn’t changed her behavior. It might be a good idea to get a better understanding of why she isn’t initiating. It sounds like you’re assuming the worst — that she’s not attracted to you — but she could be hesitant to initiate physical touch because she’s going through the same self-conscious feelings that you’re going through. Maybe she feels undesirable.

Kayla: I’m also answering this as someone who is not asexual, but I have been in situations similar to the one you’re describing. When only one person is initiating things in a relationship — and it is something that has been discussed multiple times — it can lead to a lot of overall relationship problems. It can also, as you’ve experienced, exacerbate existing insecurities. I’m really sorry that your partner has poked fun at the way you’ve initiated things sometimes. That’s not cool! Please let them know that it is not cool. It sounds like an overall pattern has formed where you’ve asked your partner to initiate; she has agreed to do it; she doesn’t do it; you do it but understandably feel weird about it since it’s a need you’ve communicated. That’s a pattern that’s going to heighten your insecurities and feelings of rejection. So it’s a pattern that hopefully can be broken. You’ve done the right things by talking to your partner about how it makes you feel/communicating your needs, so I think it’s time to be even more explicit about it. I also agree with Malic that you shouldn’t immediately jump to the thought that she isn’t attracted to you. I doubt that’s what’s happening here. Sometimes when patterns form in a relationship they’re reeeeeally hard to break. It definitely requires effort from both parties. Again, I think you’ve already taken some of the necessary steps by talking about it, but you should let her know if she’s actively hurting your feelings by poking fun at you. And you should also try to remind yourself that her failure to initiate is NOT necessarily a rejection, even if it feels like one to you.

Q6:

My best friend and I talk a lot about our dating lives. We have a lot in common and share a lot of the same values (BLM, trans rights, reproductive justice etc) except in this department. Over the years, I have noticed a pattern: she makes dating choices I don’t perceive to be healthy, including one relationship with an abuser, a secret liaison with someone she supervises at work, pursuing people with a lot of red flags, and once she slept with someone she knew to be monogamously married. I took a harm reduction approach with the abuser due to experiences with other friends, but the other situations are actually harder to respond to. I have gently nudged her to reflect on some of these choices and flat out told her “it’s not cool to sleep with a married woman” and she has pushed back, telling me that it’s not my business to tell her what to do and that I’m too negative. I know that it’s her choice to listen to feedback, and it’s not my place to tell her how to live her life, but I’m just tired of hearing messy stories. (I think the pandemic has left me with less grace/energy than before). Any tips on how I might negotiate this in the future?

A:

Malic: Your friend is right — it’s not your business to tell her what to do (unless you think she’s being physically or mentally abusive toward her partners or if you believe she’s putting herself or others in danger). Telling her “it’s not cool to sleep with a married woman” isn’t an expression of concern for your friend — it’s a judgement, and judgements are rarely helpful or well-received. Find the line between your judgements and your concerns. Work through the judgements on your own (or at least keep them to yourself). If you’re genuinely worried about her emotional health and/or physical safety, then share those concerns. It makes sense that you would feel worried about some of this, especially since your friend has a history of abusive relationships. Just make sure you express those worries from a place of care.

Kayla: Yep, I’m with Malic here. If your friend is making choices that are putting herself or others in harm or abusive situations, then it’s absolutely okay to check in and make sure she is getting the care and support she needs. But it does sound like a lot of what you’re talking about comes from a place of judgement. Look, we all have a friend who we wish would make better choices in their love lives, but a lot of times people have to figure that out on their own or in therapy. You don’t have to outright lie to your friend; if she asks for your honest opinion about one of her relationships, give it — but also come from a place of compassion. This is your best friend! You don’t have to approve of all of her choices, but you should maybe talk to her in a way that helps you understand them instead of just immediately telling her something is not cool.

Carolyn: Malic and Kayla are completely right. In addition to finding the line between judgement and concern, it might be worth examining whether you’d like to opt out of hearing the messy parts of your friend’s stories. You don’t have to do this harshly or dramatically (a text out of the blue that reads, “Your life is messy and I no longer wish to hear about it” isn’t a great way to keep a friend), but simply by just following up on the points in the conversation that you do want to hear about — specifically, how your friend is feeling, reserving your own ideas about how you would feel or think they should feel in the situation — which are also probably more relevant to your friendship than the messy details anyway. A text like, “wow that sounds [appropriate descriptor] — how are you feeling about [that/the situation/a specific detail your friend mentioned?” followed by compassionate support goes a lot farther than “I don’t understand why you do this to yourself” or similar.

Q7:

Hello! I’ve been growing out my armpit hair which feels sexy and like a fuck you to the patriarchy and I’m into it. But then it gets to a point where it’s long and scraggly and am I supposed to trim it? If so how? With what?? Please help me not look unkempt I don’t know how to groom myself without shaving!

A:

Carolyn: Welcome to armpit hair club!! I grew mine armpit hair out about five or six years ago and never looked back except for the time I dyed it candy pink and went short again to correct that, but I do trim it regularly to keep it tidy! For trimming, prior to the pandemic I used tiny nail scissors by hand, and would shower/dry off, comb out my armpit hair, and then carefully eyeball it. (Prior to that I would pull random clumps taut and trim, which lacked a certain elegance.) However since the pandemic I’ve invested in robust hair clippers for the hair on my head, which I now use for body hair, too. (Check your clippers to make sure they’re safe for whatever body parts you’re using them near.) I would recommend using whatever guard for your clippers comes close to the length you want plus a little longer, because you can always go shorter. Then, make sure the hair is dry, comb it out (I know that might be weird but trust me), and have at it.

Malic: Yes to clippers! I use the same clippers that I use to shave the sides of my head. I got them for $20, and I’ve used them without issue for years. Like Carolyn said, nail scissors will also do the job, but absolutely do not under any circumstances use regular scissors. They’re too long for such a small area and it’s hard to see where they’re cutting. Slicing your armpit is no fun at all (I learned the hard way).

That said, you don’t have to trim your armpit hair if you don’t want to! I only trim mine because it gets incredibly long and gets stuck in the sides of my sports bra. Ouch. Just know that there are plenty of queers out there who love long, bushy, scraggly armpit hair (and some even fetishize it), so if your pit hair isn’t getting in your way, it’s a-ok to let it flourish!

Vanessa: Just want to co-sign Malic that you don’t have to trim your armpit hair if you don’t want to! I stopped shaving in 2014 and truly have not done a damn thing to mine since, and the only thing I sometimes wish is that it was longer and thicker. If you want to trim, the above advice is excellent, but if you don’t want to that’s perfectly fine, too!

Q8:

Hi Autostraddle! Therapy question here.

I know this will vary for everyone, but am hoping anyone might relate or offer some outside perspective. Short version: Is it normal or “OK” to take a break from therapy? How do you know it’s the right time to do so?

Longer version: I had a childhood/adolescence with a lot of trauma, and some very intense/stressful experiences in my 20s. I literally never went to therapy, though it would have been very helpful (hindsight!). Now my life is a lot more stable and I’ve been in therapy pretty consistently for over a year. While it’s been helpful, I’ve lately had a growing sense that I’d like a break from it. My therapist tends to focus more on daily life, CBT skills, etc, whereas I’m realizing I’d like to switch into a therapy more focused on trauma (like EMDR or somatic, etc) when such things are possible post-virus. (Right now, my therapy is virtual and my therapist doesn’t have those specialities).

Anyway, I keep having doubts about whether or not a “break” is reasonable, or if I’m being lazy/not dedicated to my healing/etc. I’ve recently started an anti-anxiety med with a psychiatrist (who I would keep seeing no matter what) and honestly feel a lot happier and calmer in general. There’s still a lot of stuff in the background, but I find myself craving a break. The tough thing is, my current therapist books way in advance, so if I “paused” from her and had a crisis of some kind, I feel like I’d be in for a long wait, and that makes me nervous.

Any insight is so appreciated! Thank you <3

A:

Carolyn: I’m not a mental health professional or your mental health professional, so this is just my personal opinion from my own experience. Looking at what you wrote, it doesn’t seem like you’re asking just about a therapy break so much as looking for permission to switch to a different type of therapy that would address different things, and I think that’s a great thing to investigate. (Are there ways to do trauma therapy at a distance? Research is the only way to find out.) When we start working with professionals – mental health, sure, but also in any field – we often have goals that we want them to help us meet. If you’ve met your initial goals for therapy, or if your goals have changed, it makes sense to reevaluate whether you’re working with the right people to support you in meeting them. I think as long as you’re taking concrete steps towards your next goals for your mental health (and, since you mentioned working with a psychiatrist along with researching other types of therapy, it sounds like you are), to me you’re not being not-dedicated to your healing, just curious about conducting it in a different way.

Malic: Congrats on getting yourself into therapy and committing to it for over a year! Wanting to take a break from therapy doesn’t mean you’re lazy. I agree with Carolyn — it sounds like the kind of therapy you’re doing right now isn’t exactly the kind of therapy you need. That doesn’t mean it isn’t useful at all — it’s just not helping you make progress in the specific areas you’d like to work on. 

Talk to your therapist about your needs. While certain in-person forms of therapy might not be safe or possible right now, your therapist might be able to refer you to someone else who can start working with you on trauma stuff remotely. It’s your therapist’s job to help you work on the things you need to work on, and if they don’t have a skill set that suits your needs, it’s part of their job to refer you to someone else.

If you want to take a break from therapy because you want to test the skills you’ve gained from the sessions you’ve had thus far, that’s ok, too, as long as you and your therapist feel confident that you can manage without it for a bit. When I was in therapy, there was a time when I wanted to take a break to just see how I did on my own. Instead of taking a long break, my therapist and I decided to switch my sessions from every week to every other week. That meant that I had more time without therapy to use the skills I’d gained, but I still had therapy on the calendar. I really liked that method, but I’m not a mental health professional and don’t know what your specific needs might be. I hope you find something that works for you!

Kayla: I think it’s important to always keep in mind that our therapy needs can shift and evolve. I agree with Carolyn and Malic that it sounds like you’re interested in switching to a different form of therapy vs. taking an indefinite break. And I think that you know yourself best and if this is something that you’ve been considering then you should indeed explore it! If you are still getting something out of the therapy that you’re in now, maybe hold off a little bit on dropping it until you’ve done some research about the new treatments that you want to seek. As I’m sure you know, finding a new therapist/therapy practice can take time. But I think the fact that you’re asking these questions means that you are in a good place to make these changes. I’ve had to “break up” with therapists before, and it’s hard every time, but for me personally, it has always been the right choice. I also agree with Malic’s suggestion about changing the frequency of therapy before deciding to take an outright break. In any case, I do think it’s important to pay attention to when our therapy needs might be changing and explore options to address those shifts.

Q9:

Over the past couple of months I’ve been messaging a wonderful woman who is a couple of years older than me. We’ve recently met a few times in person and I definitely want to pursue a relationship with her! But due to social anxiety and familial responsibilities, I’ve never been in a long-term relationship. I’m in my 30s and this feels embarrassing? Help – how do I let this amazing hot woman know that I’m into it, but that I don’t know what I’m doing.

A:

Carolyn: No one knows what they’re doing. If anything you have an advantage because you have nothing to compare this experience to! But you can’t just magic “a few dates” into “a long-term relationship” – you have to practice showing up for each other over time and see what comes of it. If you’re into her, tell her you’re into her, and make a plan to see each other again and let things grow.

Kayla: I am usually of the belief that while past experience (or lack thereof) obviously informs a person’s behavior in a new relationship, it doesn’t usually have AS big of an impact as people worry it will, especially when it comes to lack of experience. People can have never been in a long-term relationship before and still make really good partners to someone. People can have been in a bunch of long-term relationships before and still be very shitty partners. Experience does not directly translate to being a caring and kind partner. Carolyn’s right: No one knows what they’re doing. Every relationship is a learning experience. I do think you’re also getting ahead of yourself if you’ve only seen this person a few times—which I don’t say to discourage you! It’s natural to envision a future with someone when there’s a connection. But don’t self-sabotage by telling yourself that a relationship won’t work because of your past. Tell this amazing hot woman that you think they’re amazing and hot and see where things go.

Vanessa: How exciting to be starting to date someone who you’re into! I’m so stoked for you! To be clear, I do not mean to undermine your anxious feelings at all – that’s normal and totally fine. But I do want to echo Carolyn and Kayla that really, all that’s happening here is good: you were messaging and are now casually dating a babe who you’re into! Anxiety aside, this honestly is just great news. I hope you have fun dating and that if you both want things to become more serious, they do – the only rules are to be honest and kind, and everything else will click into place as you go. Every relationship is brand new so if you’re feeling nervous about never having done this before, it might be helpful to keep this as perspective – she’s never done this before either! Because the two of you have never done this specific thing together before! It’s brand new for everyone involved. And it sounds hot and exciting and fun and I, for one, am thrilled for you. Update us on how it goes if you feel like it!

Q10:

Hi,

i have increasingly developed feelings for an internet friend of a few years. the feelings are mutual and we’ve flirted and talked about dating, but even without a pandemic we live 6 hours apart. i care deeply about him and we both have mental illness and disabilities/physical conditions and it hurts me to be unable to be there for him in person, especially when he is in pain or depressed. i’ve never dated someone with BPD and i’m wondering if you have any non-ableist, trans-friendly resources on that? i’m admittedly new to relationships in general and feel kind of lost and definitely inexperienced.

he doesn’t want to video calls yet and i want to respect that so we text every day and do voice calls sometimes. we are like closer friends now but with flirting and sexy stuff mixed in.

i can’t figure out if we have chemistry since it’s all online (what even is that? how do i know if there IS chemistry?).

sorry this is so many questions in one, i am overwhelmed with gay feelings, please help!

A:

Carolyn: It’s okay to be overwhelmed by gay feelings! When it comes to figuring out whether you have chemistry over the internet, it’s important to take it slow; figure out ways to enjoy spending time together (over voice, text, and eventually video); and also remember to keep prioritizing existing parts of your life, like friends who aren’t that person and interests that have nothing to do with him. Especially when we want to be there for someone long-distance and can’t be for any number of reasons, it can be too easy to let long-distance romantic (in any sense) relationships become all-consuming. In some ways, an interaction online will never replace the type of knowledge you get from meeting someone in person and seeing how they exist in space and what it’s like when you are near each other. But otherwise, the best way to figure out whether you have chemistry online is to keep being yourself and living your life, seeing what happens when your friend does the same, and to pay attention to the places you connect and feel them out.

Q11:

Do you know any good resources about um, how to exist outside of capitalism? I’m interested in everything from big life changes to small, daily acts of undermining.

A:

Carolyn: I’m hoping that other people will also answer this question, but on a practical level your local mutual aid network can be a great place to start.

Malic: Oof. Completely living outside of capitalism is nearly impossible, but there are definitely steps you can take to inch a little further outside the system. See if your city or neighborhood has a mutual aid group or a “Buy Nothing” Facebook group (“Buy Nothing” groups are a great space for bartering goods and services, but they require you to use social media, which is very much rooted in capitalism). If you live in an area where you’re able to grow some of your own food, take steps towards making that happen. Figure out how to fix and reuse things that you already have. Dumpster dive for food and supplies. Scam and steal from corporations. Use your local library. Share food and skills with your neighbors. I hope that helps you get started!

Vanessa: I find the biggest “fuck you” to capitalism is community care. Malic lists some great concrete ways to get started above. If you have friends who are also committed to this goal, I would check in with them and see how you can start supporting each other. On the side of big life changes, I would say the folks I know who exist most successfully outside of capitalism have moved to rural land projects and co-exist in community there. I do not mean to romanticize this notion or make it sound easy – it is not. The majority of intentional communities and communes fail, usually because they can’t retain members because living in community in rural spaces is HARD. But some of my closest friends own land in rural Southern Oregon and they grow a lot of their own food and they are more self-sustaining than anyone else I know. That said, everyone who lives full-time on that land still has some sort of traditional job to make money, because land is expensive, maintaining structures is expensive, purchasing chickens is expensive, buying food that you can’t grow is expensive, vacations are expensive, etc etc etc. It is an imperfect solution, but it is the most concrete solution I have seen in my almost-32 years on this earth. (I also don’t mean to over explain any of this to you if you’re already familiar with intentional communities and/or living rurally! If all of this is repetitive info for you, obviously plz disregard! If it’s new info to you thought and you’re interested in learning more about living in community, I’d suggest checking out the Foundation for Intentional Communities and Creating a Life Together: Practical Tools to Grow Ecovillages and Intentional Communities.)

Q12:

Hi! “identity and sexuality is fluid” and “help me flirt” kinda question here.

When I came out in high school, I came out as a lesbian because it was simple and I wanted to date girls. I pretty quickly switched to ID’ing as queer because I felt like it better encompassed my attraction to people of lots of genders and being poly and my gender etc. However, I’ve never dated or hooked up with a cis man for a variety of reasons (the main one being that I’m not generally attracted to them). Plot-twist time?

I’ve had a pretty constant low-key crush on one of my high school friends (a cis man) since high school (I’m 23 now, so it’s been a while). We are still close, despite not living close, and over the past couple of years talked casually about having some nice platonic sex. For a variety of reasons, that never panned out — until now. My COVID-isolation horniness combined with him frequently showing up in sex dreams inspired me to write him a letter basically saying “I’m still interested in sex things if you are — internet and/or in person when we see each other next.” And he said he was interested. Yay!!

After all this background, here comes my problem: I am feeling very unconfident in my ability to flirt with and be attractive to men. Example: I responded to this guy’s Snap story with “I am gay for you and your cat.” That doesn’t even make sense!?! I know my worries about flirting and being attractive are pretty unfounded because he said that he liked me back but also?? Do I really know that?? I just want him to think that I’m hot but I look so stereotypically queer and am so used to acting in a way to attract queer people.

I know the answer is probably just “the sexiest thing is to be yourself” but that’s not satisfying my insecurities.

Help?

With love,
A girl gay for a man and his cat

A

Malic: Even though you’re flirting with a dude, you’re still you, and you’re queer. I’m assuming that this guy knows that and is cool with it, so you don’t need to (and shouldn’t) change who you are or how you are for this guy. Plus, people can tell when you’re putting on a show, and that’s not sexy. If he said he’s into you, then he’s probably into you, and if it turns out that he’s not, that’s not because of any of your “shortcomings” — it just means you’re not a match. That’s a part of dating! And that’s ok!

Vanessa: Honestly, I feel like 90% of the things I say when I’m flirting don’t make sense?! When we have a crush on someone we’re silly and goofy and a little awkward and usually we make up sort of secret languages from engaging with people we’re into, and that’s part of the fun, that we’re in it together, and if someone else tried to decipher what was going on they’d probably be like “what the heck”? So flirt however you want! Read this dude’s reactions and respond accordingly! He is probably nervous too! You’re so brave! You wrote your longtime crush a letter!!! He said he’s down!!! THIS RULES!!!! I said this above to a different letter writer and I’m gonna say it here too – I truly do not mean to undermine your anxiousness because it’s valid, but there is no problem here!!!! This is just a great thing! I am really very happy for you and I hope you and this longtime crush of yours have banging platonic sex, online or in person, and that it just totally rules. You deserve it!

Q13:

ok so I held off for a while on coming to this here box with this request for advice bc it is not relationship-related and maybe it’s an inappropriate use of this virtual space but I figure it is kinda gay in that it is about my cats? cats are p gay after all, right? also it’s kind of an emergency and even though I am a complete internet stranger I keep thinking “what would heather hogan do?”

It is a long story but I adopted two cats, a mother and daughter, five years ago. Well, more accurately my partner and I adopted the mother as a stray and she was pregnant at the time so we fostered her five kittens and ended up keeping one who didn’t end up getting adopted out. The mother cat is the best cat ever. just a sweet, good-natured cat that I found as starving stray who took to living in a house like it was her destiny. Her baby on the other hand has been an absolute bully her whole life: she attacks my two dogs even though they are so patient and gentle with her, she gave one of my dogs an infection in her back leg so bad the dog was in a cone for months and we thought we might have to amputate (she eventually recovers after several antibiotics and steroids and all kinds of things it was brutal), she randomly loses her shit for no reason (she hears a noise, someone looks at her wrong, it could be for no reason at all that we can perceive) and attacks us or the other pets but usually doesn’t draw blood she just puffs up and hisses and bites a little.

most recently though things took a turn for the worse. she had a massive episode like none we have ever seen before and she drew lots of blood from me and my partner, hid for days growling at us when we tried to feed her, and she hasn’t been able to be in the same room as my other cat (her mom) or my two dogs in over a month without attacking them and growling. We have taken her to the vet several times to rule out medical things—she is perfectly heathy. her diagnosis is: total asshole. It has been awful. An absolute nightmare that I cry and worry about constantly. but I still love her : (

So, bc we had no other choice and needed to keep everyone safe (including her who is lucky my two 50 lbs. dogs have the restraint they do), she has been sequestered in a room my herself for over a month. To be clear: this room is v nice with cat shelves, so many toys, two litter boxes, scratching posts, a huge window with a window seat, a whole couch so this is not a depressive cell at all and it’s not meant to be punishment! It is just meant to be a place she can be without hurting anyone. But it just feels totally…bizarre and untenable to have a room in your house dedicated to your unstable murder cat?

My partner and I have been over an over it: We tried meds (including compounded flavored meds) and she won’t take them and trying to medicate her causes more stress and chaos than it is worth (our vet confirmed we should stop trying the meds as it would just make her mental health worse and do more harm than good), we have called around about rehoming and researched rescues which are not an option given her issues with aggression towards both people and my three other pets (she also has problems with inappropriate elimination as well due to stress and I would be afraid if she did get adopted about what would happen to her if she got adopted and the new owner was frustrated with her—I can’t bear the thought of her being abused or mistreated), we can’t put her outside or take her to live on a farm or some such place she has no real life skills and is terrified of the outdoors and it would be cruel to her (our vet completely agrees that is just a cruel death sentence given where we live and the fact she’s never lived outside and hates being outside even for brief periods). We are at a loss.

After talking extensively to our vet and doing work/research on animal behavior, it seems like we have two options that we feel are responsible for all parties involved: we keep her in a room by herself indefinitely and my partner and I just take turns going in to see her daily and playing with her or we do…the other thing no one wants to say out loud. We have gotten judgement from people for suggesting both courses of action. We have also gotten judgement from people for giving her so many chances and endangering ourselves and our other pets. Basically people in my life have lots of opinions which I am grateful for their willingness to process with me but I have people that are very passionate on both ends of the spectrum and that is confusing. Some people think keeping her for as long as I have is totally irresponsible and others think the idea of euthanasia is totally wrong no matter what and should be taken off the table. Some people think we are going way too far to try keep her with us and some think we aren’t trying hard enough. Basically I just cry a lot? I feel no closer to knowing what the right thing is. My vet, for what is worth, thinks given all the history and efforts we have already put in thus far, that she is likely to remain aggressive for as long as we have her and euthanasia is likely the kindest thing given her behavior, stress levels, and the risk it presents.

What do I doooooo?? I feel like I am losing my mind bc keeping an aggressive cat in a room by herself feels wrong and like it is not a long-term solution, but so does having an aggressive cat that harms the other pets I am responsible for protecting and taking care of (not to mention me and my partner but I feel like we would put up with it if it just impacted us). Can a cat be happy living in a (fully outfitted) room for her life? Does it seem like an insane thing to even suggest? Does putting an aggressive cat (that we love so much despite it all) to sleep mean we are giving up on her? I feel like a terrible person all the time? Help.

A:

Carolyn: I can’t make this decision for you, and it is not relevant to share what I would do in this situation, but the number one thing I would recommend is to try to release all the self-judgement you’re feeling. No matter what you decide, it sounds like you’re trying your best, and making yourself feel bad about not being able to adhere to everyone else’s opinions on what you should do simultaneously isn’t helping you figure out what you actually want to do.

If you can manage that — because it’s hard! — try to give yourself space to sit down alone and figure out what you value, what your considerations are, and what it would feel like — without worrying about anyone else’s judgement — to make the decisions available to you. Ask your partner to do the same, also alone. Then, talk about what you both discover and go from there. Often it’s not that decisions are undeniably right or wrong, but that everything exists along a spectrum, so what in this case will make a good decision is whatever decision you can both actively make and also live with, not what a majority of other people think you should do.

Q14:

I’ve realized recently that I have lived my life being very supportive of my friends. I am very nice to my co-workers and peers. I am a leader in multiple queer student orgs. (I’m in grad school.) But I’m not totally real with one person. Some people know different parts of me. Most of my fellow students and friends are younger than me. I’ve realized I don’t relate to them. It’s very important to have a diverse group of friends. Speaking as a white person who grew up wealthy, I know I have a ton of privilege. I just wish I had someone who would hug me and bring me water. My family is good but they are states away. I’ve moved around for great educational opportunities, and I know I’m so lucky for that. But I struggle with self-harming and suicidal ideation. I have a good therapist. But my boss is horrendous. I reach out and check on other students, especially younger students. But no one does this to me. The other students don’t know how much this hurts. Academia is so toxic, and my older queer friends I’ve made outside of it are so much more like me and supportive than my peers in school. I need them more of them.

Sincerely,
I wish I had more emotionally mature friends

A:

Malic: It’s important to be aware of your privilege, but being a person who has access to multiple privileges doesn’t make you any less deserving of friendship. If you want support from other people, you have to ask for it. It’s hard to do, but it’s the only way that people will know you need help!

Vanessa: There are a lot of different parts to your question, but the main thread I pulled from it comes right at the end: academia is so toxic. This is true, and as Malic said, your privilege does not negate that you are deserving of care, kindness, and relief from the toxic environment that you’re in. Something you wrote in your question really stood out to me: “I just wish I had someone who would hug me and bring me water.” You sound like someone who perhaps is naturally a caregiver, and you are desiring someone who will show up in that role for you. That is a valid thing to want! You do not have to apologize for it or feel bad about it! We, as human beings, are naturally interdependent, and it is not only okay to rely on others to help us exist and co-regulate and thrive, it is normal and healthy. I think Malic’s point about asking for what you need is a good one, and I also wonder if you can possibly focus on some friendships outside of academic for now. At the end of your question you noted that you want more older mature friends who are not in school with you – that is something you can focus on cultivating. Ask your friends if they have other pals they think you’d get along with and if they can connect you, or invite you to the next Zoom hang. Try to cultivate some hobbies outside of school (I know it’s so challenging to do anything besides school when in grad school, but even just dedicating 1 afternoon a month to volunteering with an organization you care about for example could yield more connections and friendships). Please don’t feel bad for wanting care. I hope you are able to meet and invest in more friends where it feels mutually caring and joyful.

Q15:

Maybe you’ve already answered this in a previous article, but how does one safely watch porn on one’s phone? Are there better browsers to use, tips for maintaining privacy and eliminating (or limiting at least) how much my phone tracks about what I watch? In the past I’ve used Safari for all my porn needs and used Chrome for all my non-porn internet browsing, but I am also not very tech savvy and don’t know if there’s a better way to do this? Any and all suggestions welcome!!

A:

Carolyn: If you pay for your porn, you won’t have to worry as much about porn wrecking havoc on your phone. Problem solved. (If it’s a work device you’re worried about though, I would not do any porn on it unless you work in a porn-adjacent field or otherwise consider porn to be a business expense.)

Q16:

I was talking to a close friend and told them that although I’m attracted to both men and women, I’d never date or sleep with a guy (mostly due to past trauma).

They said that calling myself a lesbian wasn’t really accurate or healthy and me choosing only to date women is lying to myself and ‘letting my trauma rule my life’.

Until now, I’d felt pretty comfortable in my sexuality and in being a lesbian but now I’m worried I’m just repressing shit that’s going to blow up later on. I’m not actively scared of men, I just mostly choose not to surround myself with them and that includes not dating or sleeping with them, but my friend said this is just me avoiding dealing with my trauma.

Should I be trying to date men? Or at least hang out with them more? Is it unhealthy for someone who’s probably bisexual to ignore part of their attractions?

A:

Carolyn: The only unhealthy thing going on here is thinking that your friend knows more about you and your own experience than you do. Labels are just words. You know who you are.

Malic: I absolutely agree with Carolyn. You don’t need to reassess your identity — you need to reassess this friendship. You are the only person who gets to decide what you call yourself, and you are the only one who knows how your past trauma has affected you. Please don’t make yourself date people that you don’t actually want to date — that will suck for you, and it will suck for them, too.

Kayla: It is absolutely not your friend’s place to tell you how to identify. It sounds like any insecurity that you have around this issue is directly stemming from the way your friend talks to you, and that’s not cool. I would suggest having a conversation with them about it but also just remind yourself that you don’t have to change yourself to suit their limited ideas of identity.

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