Welcome to the 14^th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

Q1:

I work in nursing homes that were heavily impacted by Covid. In April I lost as many patients as I normally do in a year, almost 100 people. The buildings are Covid-recovered and I’m in therapy. I’m finally at a point where I can think about other things.

I’ve been talking to a woman who seems to be romantically interested in me. She lives in another state and although we have great chemistry I don’t think a long distance relationship is something I’d want. I really enjoy talking with her, and we’ve talked about my experiences. I’m just wondering if it’s a good idea to even be thinking about even flirting right now given what I’ve been through. What do you think?

A:

Abeni: Only you know the answer to this question. Generally, though, for me, I think if you’re not sure if you’re ready to be in a relationship, you aren’t. I also think people should follow their gut when it comes to whether they’re ready for long-distance relationships. I think it takes a special kind of person to do long distance, and that most people just aren’t cut out for it. Also, even if they were close by, would y’all be able to hang out safely? You know better than most how important it is to stay away from people who aren’t in your household. Talking is really all we can do right now; that might just have to be enough.

What’s your endgame here? Either y’all hit it off and start long-distance, or y’all hit it off and one of you … moves to be with the other one? Which of those seems plausible for you? A deeper question: why are you talking to this person? What are you looking for right now? Are you filling some kind of need that you haven’t articulated to yourself? Are you sad and want companionship as you process your grief? Friends and therapists are generally better for that than new lovers, for example. It’s also possible that a new fling could help get your mind off of the vicarious trauma you’ve been experiencing, but … I personally doubt it.

Jehan: I agree with so much of what Abeni has already offered. I did want to add, though, that there are a couple of places where you express some uncertainty, both about your crush’s feelings and intentions for you, and about dating long distance. From what you say here, it seems promising that she’s into you, and I’m glad to hear she’s been willing to listen and talk through some of your experiences. I agree with Abeni that it’s best to look towards friends and therapists for processing your grief, so I would just be mindful to find the line between sharing what you’ve been dealing with and enlisting your crush as emotional support.

You also seem unsure about long distance dating, but you know better than many how deeply the pandemic is affecting our ways of interacting and being in physical proximity to others. Plus, the population you work with suggests to me that you have to take extra precautions with your own movements and interactions. The implications of Covid-19 are impossible for us to know now, but I think it’s fair to say dating will look *extremely* different for the foreseeable future. The periods of no contact and increased phone time, i.e. the hallmarks of LDRs, have already restructured how we “see” our folks. All of which is to say that I’d just try to keep an open mind about where this could lead. You’ve just been through an incredibly difficult experience and gentleness is in order right now. You know you enjoy talking to this woman and I think that could be enough for now. Try and remove your expectations as best you can, and just allow the relationship to grow into whatever it will be. Whatever you decide to do, I think centering your healing and your joy will be paramount to figuring out your next steps.

Kayla: I am also of the belief that if you have hesitations about long distance, it means you shouldn’t try long distance. On the other hand, the pandemic is forcing us all to rethink the ways we connect and communicate with others. People who may not have previously considered long-distance are trying it now or thinking about trying it. Still, the kind of long-distance you’re talking about here is TRUE long-distance. It’s not like you can even see this person in a socially distanced way. So just keep that in mind as you figure out what it is that you want.

As far as timing goes, if flirting feels good and right for you, then by all means, keep doing it. There’s no hard rule for when to start flirting/dating after experiencing immense grief. If flirting feels forced or draining, then it probably isn’t the right time. It also shouldn’t feel like you’re using flirting MERELY as a distraction from your other feelings (although I do think a little bit of distraction is okay—so long as you still have the space to process the grief). But it sounds to me like you are enjoying the flirting and getting something positive out of it, so if that’s the case, by all means do the things that make you feel good.

Q2:

I signed up to volunteer with my local mutual aid organization, and they assigned me to bring groceries to an elderly woman who has coronavirus. They told her to expect a call from me. I’ve called her four times over the past three days, at various times of day, and no one has ever answered the phone, and the voicemail has always been full so I couldn’t even leave a message. We don’t have any other contact info on file for her except a phone number; we don’t even know her exact mailing address. I’ve informed the volunteer coordinator of the situation but haven’t heard back. When something similar happened in the past they were like “Well just keep calling I guess.”

I’m starting to worry that this woman has died? Or that her condition has worsened so much that she needs medical attention but can’t ask for it? I know not to call the cops bc obviously, but I also don’t know who could check on her instead? I don’t have any information about any of her family, friends, or neighbors. I feel like everyone just says “never call the cops” but doesn’t actually provide specific, concrete, immediately actionable alternative solutions to serious problems (i.e. not just vandalism / shoplifting / noise complaints). Don’t get me wrong, I understand why they say don’t call the cops, and I’m not going to call the cops, and I’m all for defunding the cops, but like…if she needs emergency medical care, am I just supposed to let her die alone in her apartment? If she’s already dead, am I supposed to wait until her neighbors figure it out from the smell? These are not rhetorical questions, I’m just trying to figure out if there’s anything I can do or if there is literally nothing.

A:

Abeni: Here’s some specific information about what to do instead of calling the cops, but not much of it will be relevant to your particular situation.

In my opinion, “never call the cops ever again starting today” is an incredibly privileged, foolhardy idea. Of course, don’t call the cops unnecessarily. Don’t call them before considering your options and whether they’re more likely to help or escalate harm in each situation. But “abolish the police” means manifesting a society in which the police are unnecessary, and building community so we can reduce and eventually eliminate our reliance on them as much as possible. Until we’ve built that society and those communities, until there’s a phone number you can call when a sick, elderly neighbor hasn’t been answering her phone for days and you’re worried about their safety, so social workers or EMTs or first aid or whoever can respond to them, calling the cops is potentially your only option.

You can do your due diligence first, though. You have some kind of address for the person, since you were going to deliver groceries to her. You or someone else can go to that address and ask around about her and try to find her exact apartment number, and you can ask her neighbors if they’ve seen her around or know anything. You might find out that sometimes she just doesn’t answer the phone for 3-4 days and she’s fine. Or you might find out that they’re concerned, too. You can ask them how to get in touch with the building superintendent (or whoever) and see if they have access to her apartment. Tell them that you’re considering calling police as a last-minute option. Maybe they’ll say, “don’t do it.” Follow their lead. If you get in touch with the super, you can have them knock on her door and yell in and ring the bell to see if she’s OK. If neighbors are concerned, and the super doesn’t hear from her, they should have the right to enter her apartment in an emergency situation.

You can also talk to whoever got this person’s phone number onto your list in the first place, and see if they have more information. How did she originally sign up or get signed up for groceries? Someone added her and that person must know her or know someone who knows her. Try to connect with those people. This is all a lot of work, but these are the steps we take in community to try and support each other before we escalate to the police. In an ideal world, she’d have a “pod” of contacts and connections upon whom she could rely, and this would all be unnecessary. But we don’t yet live in that world. We’re still building it, by forming mutual aid groups and rioting and demonstrating and having conversations with our friends and family.

If none of that turns anything up, though, you might just have to call the police. I’d call your local non-emergency police number, and make it explicitly clear that it’s an old woman whose health you’re concerned about, explain the situation, and demand that they do not send armed police, that whoever responds will not be in danger. They may ignore you, and things could go bad. But you also could be saving this person’s life.

We haven’t yet built a society that can survive without police and prisons. People who police others for how they respond to emergency situations need to abolish the cop in their own head before they criticize you for doing the best you can given the tools that you have.

Nicole: Just stepping in to note that this member confirmed they’d gotten in touch with the woman in question and that she was recovering at the time. However, we left this question in here because we’re sure other people might have similar situations come up!

Q3:

During the first four weeks of stay-at-home orders, I stayed with an academic colleague-turned-friend-turned crush who needed company to help with anxiety. We shared an office but didn’t know each other much at the beginning, and I had only platonic intentions when I arrived at her studio apartment. Yet soon I found myself falling for her, even as she made plans to return home to Spain for the summer and as I helped her load up a Uhaul box. I did not tell her my feelings, as it didn’t seem the proper context and she will be moving to a different state in the fall (IF she manages to re-enter the country). I don’t even know if she’s queer—when we first met I thought she might be, but in quarantine I learned that she didn’t know the word “dyke,” which wasn’t an encouraging sign. (To be fair, English is not her first language.)

We’ve stayed in touch by letter and over WhatsApp and Skype and have been sharing ideas for similar courses that we’ll be teaching this coming year and plotting ways to collaborate for an academic conference presentation and possibly a related publication. We’ve also shared creative writing (notably NOT the poems I wrote about my crush on her). For the most part, her interactions have felt platonic…but then there’s the time she sent me a video of her dancing to a jazz song in her living room, with the camera placed slightly above hip height. Ayyy, that video did things to me!

I’ve been wrestling a lot with whether to say (or hint) anything about my feelings for her, both in terms of the chances of her reciprocating it and the practicalities of what would have to be a long-distance relationship, if anything. I’ve also been sort of surprised to find myself falling for somebody white (not gringa-white, but Spanish and European), as this is the first time that has happened. I am xicana, and my ex and previous crushes have all been people of color, mostly latinas. So I’ve been thinking, too, about the dynamics there, wondering if the legacies of colonialism or my complicated feelings about Spanish would get in the way, even though I am the one who is a citizen here (for better or for worse – la frontera nos cruzó). And what about class? In that regard I think I am probably the one coming from a place of more privilege, given what she has said about her family. On a lighter note, is not eating spicy food a deal-breaker? (probably not)

In short, how do I think about loving a person who is more different from me than my previous crushes? Which do I try to discern first: whether she would even be interested in me or whether we could meet in the middle (culturally? geographically? linguistically, in Spanglish and in varieties of Spanish, like writing bueno/vale?)? ¡Socorro!

A:

Abeni: I think you should accept you had a crush and just move on. Why do you need to seek out someone so distant and difficult to connect with? You don’t even know if she’ll be able to come back to the country. Or if she’s even queer! Do you tend to get crushes on unavailable people or people with whom connection would be incredibly difficult? Might be worth doing a cost-benefit analysis on this one.

You ask how to think about loving a person who is different from your previous crushes, but I don’t think that’s a very important question. If you like someone, you like them. I think you need to ask whether acting on this crush is a useful idea. Do you even want to “meet in the middle?” That’s a lot of trouble to go to when you don’t need to. You can find someone great who’s local. Or just be single, which is underrated (especially, for some reason, during a global pandemic that’s killed hundreds of thousands of people because so many of us refuse to just, take 6-12 months off from meeting up in person with people we don’t live with.

If you want to tell her you’re gay and like her, go for it. Don’t hint, though; that’s kid stuff. If she doesn’t like you back, it’s no reflection of your worth as a human being or your inherent desirability. It could affect your potential friendship, though. Wouldn’t it be really nice to have a cool friend in Europe who you can visit in a year or two when it’s safe? Or in whatever state she ends up in? Doesn’t that seem nice? It’s very unlikely she’s the love of your life or your soul mate and you’re going to be alone forever if you don’t pounce on this opportunity. In general, I’d temper your expectations.

Jehan: Okay, so I’m going to address the questions you asked, but only after I say that I think you posed the question about differences as a way to shield yourself from your crush not returning your feelings and/or not being queer. This isn’t to say that the issues you bring up aren’t important and aren’t in need of being addressed—they are, but the more pressing concern is whether or not she’s interested. I agree with Abeni that with all of the mitigating factors of distance, the pandemic, etc., it’s best to temper your expectations. But I’m a fan of flirtatious friendships so even if that’s as far as this goes, why not enjoy it?

Kayla: Sometimes it’s easy to get a lot out of the feeling of longing for someone, and I think you might be stuck in that place. Crushes can be all-consuming and they can also make us put another person on a pedestal, which is maybe what you’re doing here. But if you do genuinely want to pursue more than a friendship with this person, you have to tell them about your feelings in a very direct way and see where they’re at. Your only real options are doing that or just moving on and accepting friendship. Pining over someone in secret isn’t helpful for anyone involved and can also lead to an unhealthy dynamic.

Q4:

Hi- I’ve been looking for an online queer support group for any combination of anxiety/self harm/body dysmorphia/domestic abuse survivors but most of what I’m finding is youth or senior specific and I fall in the middle at 36. I’m hesitant to join a Facebook group without a recommendation, but also don’t want to share my mental health struggles with all my friends and family.

A:

Nicole: Thanks so much for reaching out! That’s great that you’re looking for support. I dug up a couple of recommendations that Autostraddle team members have given before. You can call or chat with the GLBT National Help Center as a start, and they might also be able to help you find resources closer to you (I don’t know where you’re located). You can also take a look at the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs listing of members by location to find a center near you. You might need to call a hotline to be connected to services. You might also get somewhere just googling LGBTQ centers near you and seeing if they are offering any kind of virtual peer-to-peer support for anxiety, dysmorphia, survivors of abuse (or a combination thereof). Unfortunately, I don’t know of any Facebook groups, but while it’s some wild territory, you might try Reddit for peer-to-peer subreddits (and if they’re not private, you can lurk and see if they might be right for you before you join the conversation). Finally, if you do have some trusted friends who you know use or have sought similar resources, they may be able to give some recommendations. Sending warm thoughts and hoping you find the support you need. Also inviting others to add resources in the comments!

Q5:

My best friend lives across the country from me so we mostly keep in contact by Skype and phone calls which has worked pretty well.

My friend got a new girlfriend about 6 months ago who I’ve met once. She’s planning on proposing to her gf and asked me what I thought.

I don’t dislike her gf but I don’t think they should get married yet. They haven’t been together long, they’re only 21, and it feels like my friend has changed in different because of the relationship (becoming vegan, going to church, missing out on things she wanted to do to stay home with her gf).

She’s cancelled on me lots of times cause her gf was having a bad mental health day or they want to do something.

I’m worried she’s making a big mistake and rushing into marriage. I don’t know how to bring it up in a way that wouldn’t make things really awkward or damage our friendship. Also I don’t know if maybe it’s made worse cause I don’t really know her gf or if I’m just jealous that she doesn’t have as much time for me.

How do I bring up my concerns? Or should I just keep it to myself and try and be supportive?

A:

Casey: It sounds like you really care about your friend and want to be supportive of her while also giving the outside perspective that is so valuable with friends. She is lucky to have you! This kind of situation is always tricky. Sometimes when our friends hear what they don’t want to hear from us about their partners they turn their backs on us. Sometimes our friends can intellectually know that we are giving them a useful perspective but emotionally they can’t be open to it. Sometimes when our friends ask “what do you think?” they want to be validated not given your actual thoughts!

But you did say that your friend has explicitly asked you to tell her what you think about her proposing to her girlfriend. Clearly you have thoughts! My first question for you would be: what kind of space do you think your friend is in to receive your thoughts? If she’s your best friend, hopefully you are in tune with her about where she’s at emotionally. Then you can adjust your approach accordingly on how direct or indirect you are.

Why do you think she wants to propose to her girlfriend? Is she swept up in overwhelming feelings of a new relationship? Is she feeling raw and emotional about the current state of the world (the pandemic, police brutality, all of it)? I would bring it up by saying, “Hey you asked me for my thoughts about proposing to [girlfriend’s name].” Maybe instead of starting with “here’s what I think, it’s a bad idea,” you could start with some gentle questions. Questions like, “Why do you want to propose now?” “What do you love about her?” “How do you see your future with her?” And then follow-up questions to hopefully go in the direction of the issues that you’ve seen in her relationship (how long they’ve been together, negative changes you’ve seen in her).

I don’t mean that you want to trick her into seeing your perspective. But I think if you can try to bring her around herself to asking the kinds of questions you’re asking about this proposal, she’ll be more open than if you state your opinions directly right out of the bat. You want to try to support her in coming to her own conclusions. I also think you should just be totally honest right up front about knowing that you don’t know her girlfriend well and that you may be feeling jealous about her having less time for you.

I remember a friend telling me that he and his boyfriend had talked about how me getting back together with an ex-girlfriend was not a good idea for me and would probably end up with me being broken hearted again. But they decided that I wasn’t in a good space to receive that advice because of my history with her and the intensity of my feelings. So they didn’t say anything and were just there for me when it inevitably blew up. They were totally right, on both counts! I really don’t think I would have been open to that perspective while I was with her. (And she did break my heart).

At a certain point, if your friend isn’t receptive to your advice or perspective or is being very defensive, you have to let go and let your friend make her own mistakes and learn from them, as my friends did. Getting engaged might be a big mistake for her right now. But in order to see that she might have to actually get engaged and then realize it later. Or maybe it’s not a mistake! Wilder things have happened. Who knows! You sound like a great friend who will be there for her either way.

Bailey
I had to get married and see it shatter to realize it was a big mistake… huge. No one said a word to me about their doubts because it seemed like a sure thing (boy were we all wrong) – but if anyone had aired doubts I would not have listened because I felt so sure. I think it’s safe to talk to your friend, but maybe don’t have any expectations and remember it’s her choice and life. Casey’s right, they might end up being the most amazing engaged and then married couple that ever lived or it might be a hot mess, either way it sounds like you’d be a great friend.

Q6:

How do I let go of shame and trauma in order to try new things sexually? To be specific, my girlfriend and I have been flirting pretty intensely with a friend (all via text cause of the pandemic) and have discussed a few times that a threesome might be in our future. My girlfriend is very chill about it, and I feel more secure than I ever have in this relationship. But at the same time, I can’t help but dwell on how catastrophic this would have been with my emotionally abusive ex. I won’t go into details, but even the suggestion of flirting with someone else would have set them off. And once those memories pop up, I start feeling a lot more nervous about my current situation. I am really into the dynamic my gf and I have with this third person, and I wanna keep exploring it, but I don’t know how to turn off that voice that tells me I’m doing something gross.

A:

Kayla: The good news is that you’ve already done the first few steps of undoing some of the harm your ex’s behaviors have caused: You’re able to identify the source of these feelings and know that they’re the lingering effects of your last relationship and have nothing to do with your current relationship. That is seriously an incredible step toward unpacking these feelings! Just naming them and seeing where they stem from! Now, what next? Have you spoken to your current partner about these feelings at all? Maybe they can reassure you that this is something that they want, that they’re as secure as you in the relationship, and that they are not going to respond the way your ex would have. It shouldn’t be entirely on them to make you feel better. You need to do most of the work yourself. BUT, it is not wrong to occasionally ask for reassurance when continuing to deal with the aftermath of an abusive relationship. A little reassurance can go a long way! And talking about fears can help you work through them!

But now for the self-work. When these old memories surface, literally take a beat. Don’t push the thoughts away but rather really take a moment to identify where they’re coming from. Remind yourself that your present girlfriend is not your ex and that you are no longer in the place you were then. Remind yourself that your ex’s behaviors don’t control you. You have autonomy over your choices and desires. It is natural to still be affected by emotional abuse, but you can work toward making these thoughts feel less destabilizing.

Q7:

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years, and they are my favorite favorite person. We’ve decided this is a for-life situation and we’re both thrilled!

EXCEPT that for me, our sex life could use improvement. Sex and sexual exploration has always been a huge part of my identity; for me it’s physical, spritual, psychological, the whole shebang. Really vital stuff. For my partner, sex is fun, but nothing more. My partner has a low libido, and our sex life is very predictable and vanilla, because that’s what they’re into. I’m also really empathetic, so even if my partner went out of their comfort zone for ME, if THEY weren’t super into whatever we were doing, I wouldn’t enjoy myself. This combo has not been ideal for me, to say the least.

Happily, we finally had a heart to heart and my partner respects and understands how I feel, and is willing to explore new (to them) sexy things to see if they’re into anything more than our usual. We’ve also discussed having other partners (separately and together), and while that’d be cool in the future, we both agree it’s not something we want to do right now.

So my big question is… how can we help each other to explore sex and desire to make sex better for both of us, when one of us is just kinda “meh” about sex, and has a limited range of things they’re into? How can I gently and loving encourage my partner to explore and identify new kinds of sexy times they might enjoy? Are there sites/books/podcasts/whatever you might suggest for them (or me)?

Thank you!!
Frustrated but Hopeful

A:

Jehan: I think you’re in a better place than you may think you are! This sounds really promising and I also want to say congrats on navigating (arguably) the toughest part of this conversation. The moment that gave me pause in your letter is where you say that your empathetic nature keeps you from enjoying yourself when you intimate that your partner is uncomfortable with something they have said they’re willing to try and are actively trying. That sounds like a Catch-22 and it needn’t be! You say you’re frustrated, but imagine how frustrating this must be for your partner, who has said I’m willing to try ____, follows through with trying _____, and that still doesn’t work for you. I understand and empathize (haha) with where you’re coming from because I’m also empathetic, especially in this type of situation, but perhaps it’ll help if you remind yourself that discomfort is bound up in trying something new.

In some ways, this type of empathetic feeling is wrapped up in control, and I think it’ll really do you some good to try to guide your partner into having the experience *you* wish them to have. I don’t mean to come down too hard on you at all—your frustrations are all too real and understandable. But I think what may actually be of help, rather than offering your partner recommendations, might be to just drop it for a while. Let them discover their own new desires in their own time, in their own way, and see if your partner’s enthusiasm doesn’t increase a bit (or a lot!) when they’re finally ready to try something new with you.

Adrian
I want to enthusiastically recommend Austin and Azul’s amazing sex worksheet, which allows both partners to articulate what they’re into, what’s off the table, what they imagine, and what they need. It is a beautiful way to put everything out there on the table and see where you overlap. The first time my spouse and I did this, we discovered we were both interested in things that neither of us had even heard of before doing the worksheet. It is a truly wonderful, timeless tool!

Q8:

I’m struggling with a sexually immature partner.
We have an incredible relationship full of love and respect and can talk openly about our feelings, beliefs and current affairs.

Our sex life started out normal. When I tried opening the conversation up about wants and desires it became uncomfortable and we started having sex less and less. It has now been a year of almost abstinence. My partner suffers from depression and anxiety so at first we were both happy to blame it on medication and hope that it would get better with time. As time didn’t help, I began trying to talk about the issue which at first made my partner feel very uncomfortable to the point he would end the conversation. As time has passed without improvement however, he recognises the need to discuss our sex life. He struggles discussing sex and makes jokes or laughs nervously, but acknowledges that this is not healthy and tries to participate in conversations about our wants and desires.

It has been so long since we have had regular sex and I have lost a lot of my confidence and sexual prowess making it difficult for me to initiate sex anymore. I have insisted that conversations about sex must be held between us and he needs to become desensitised to sexual terminology in order for us to progress. I just want a healthy sex life. I love my partner dearly and feel so fulfilled in the rest of our relationship. Please, any advice you can offer for addressing these issues would be openly welcomed.

A:

Archie There are a few things I can suggest but first I want to emphasize that it’s on your partner to do the work to reframe how they think about sex and desire and he needs to get honest with himself so he can get honest with you. Maybe he doesn’t find anything wrong with your current sex life–hell, maybe he’s happy not having sex at all or infrequently! Those are very valid desires and being able to name them will help both of you have clarity when it comes to your sex life. Of course, maybe that’s not it at all and here’s some suggestions I have to help.

First, he should get a therapist! I 100% realize the barriers in place that prevent folks from accessing therapy but if he is able, I highly recommend this. Not only can they dive deep into why it’s uncomfortable or tools that will help in communication, but he can have the conversations with someone outside of the situation, a neutral party. I also recommend getting a therapist for yourself too, because why not!

Another idea that he could try-again if he desires-is to straight-up start reading stuff on sex education. Just to get acclimated to words and how things work. Again, if he doesn’t have an interest in this, don’t push him. If he’s not interested, he is not interested and that’s a different thing to tackle altogether. I really enjoy the books Come As You Are and What You Really Really Want but big warning: they both skew towards being written about/for women so they aren’t a good fit for everyone. Come As You Are discusses the science behind desire and What You Really Really Want is great at naming and breaking down shame when it comes to sex.

Third, would he be more comfortable if you took talking out of the equation? Could he write his desires? Could you two talk about it via text or email, at least at a starting point?

Lastly, read some of the stellar advice others have given here, here, here, here and here!

Q9:

I identify as nonbinary. This is a recent development and I’m still learning what it means for me and how to live my authentic life. I want to stop using pronouns, as none of the available options feel right for me. I am at a loss for how to tell people that my preferred pronouns are no pronouns. I just want people to use my initial, H. How do I do this? There is so much advice out there for how to tell people what pronouns to use but nothing on how to tell people to use no pronouns. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

A:

Bailey
You’ve just done it! You’ve literally explained how you will ask people to call you H. “Hey I’d prefer it if you used my name/initial H instead of any pronouns.” “Just call me H!” “I’m H. Pronoun is H.”

Archie
Yup, just as Bailey said, you’re doing it! A lot of the advice that’s out there about pronouns (how to come out about it, what to do when people misgender you, and how to advocate to yourself) can be applied to you/other people who use names instead of pronouns. Just as the advice that is out there about learning how to use gender neutral language applies: there will be a learning curve but your speech patterns will adapt, correct yourself if you mess up and move on, practice practice practice, etc.

Adrian
I think there is some nuance here, too, when it comes to how much you disclose to different people in your life. I think in many cases, as Bailey and Archie said, you can just say “please refer to me as H instead of using pronouns.” I sincerely hope you will be met with consideration at this request. I hope you will find space with people you trust to unpack and articulate more about what language feels good, to help you try on different terms and see how they feel, and to have your back as you evolve in what you expect and need from others. As you begin to feel more confident in what feels true and gain practice in expressing that in safe ways, you will probably accrue some phrases and sentences that will roll off your tongue to help explain and correct folks as needed. Good luck, you’re doing amazing.

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