Welcome to the 12^thedition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc.(No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epicSome Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. We’re doing this column bi-monthly.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

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Q1

Hello!

First of all, thanks for being here for us in this global mess.

Second, I have a question I should have asked months ago, but it took me some time to find it legitimate. My libido seems gone since about last year, despite I am in better health and mindset than I was in the previous years.

That’s sad because I remember being excited about sex and more importantly, it led me to write and create (visual stuff mainly). Now I’m uninspired in bed, which is sad as I have been dating this ridiculously hot sweetie for the past 3 years, and I can’t make myself make art or write.

I am in a poly relationship, but I don’t seem to find any people sexy (or even that exciting?) anymore.

Is there any way I can find a way back to feeling desire?

Thanks for your advice!

A:

Stef: First of all this is very normal and OK, sexual desire is something that ebbs and flows over time and ESPECIALLY now in the End Times. Some people are responding to panic by being extremely horny all the time and others are completely the opposite. You say here that it’s been since last year, and forgive me if I’m way off base, but when I have had major drops in my sex drive I’ve usually been able to trace it back to a change in medication, or a stressful situation in my life I wasn’t really dealing with. You say that you’re in better health than you’ve been in ages, which is great, but I know how scary and confusing this feeling can be. I dealt with this a lot last summer, and I felt like a part of who I fundamentally was as a person was missing.

What I will say is that no matter where it came from, it really will come back. The important thing is to be kind to yourself, and as a very impatient person I know that this is not an easy ask. Hopefully your partner(s) will also be patient with you and won’t pressure you, as pressuring you is a real jerk move you should not put up with in any capacity.

Abeni: I’ve had a very low sex drive for years, and like you it’s happened to coincide with some of my best years of mental health. This goes against all of the conventional wisdom! But I think what’s really happening is I may have been using sex as a tool to manage my moods in a way that I don’t need to anymore? It could be so many things, though.

As Stef said, usually a marked change in sex drive can be attributed to some cause. It’s worth doing some major introspection about what’s changed for you in the last year, do a deep dive into your feelings, beliefs, history with sex and desire, etc., and maybe even try doing some conscious masturbation to see if you can move through some different somatic experiences and track your feelings about them. You might even need to expand your sex and desire horizons; maybe your attractions have shifted?

The thing is, there are other options: it could be in a natural “ebb,” and will “flow” again someday. But there’s also something you might not want to hear: your sex drive could now be normal when before it was artificially high. Or your sex drive has just permanently changed and won’t go back. Those things happen. You may need to grapple with that potential new reality, and figure out how to live with it. It’ll be important, then, to also dig into what it was about having sex that inspired your art, and try to see if there’s another way to experience some of those same feelings.

Malic: Stef and Abeni are absolutely right — your lower sex drive might just be part of a natural ebb and flow, so if you’re hunting for answers, you might not find one. A decreased sex drive is a normal physical response in the midst of a pandemic, but I understand that’s is fucking distressing to be disconnected from your sexuality, especially when you’re in a relationship. Changes in medication, diet and hormonal fluctuations can have an enormous impact on sex drive, so it might be a good idea to talk to a doctor and assess any recent changes in your habits.

Some ways to rev your sex drive back to life include: masturbation (even when you’re not into it at first, you might surprise yourself once you get started), socially-distanced flirting (now is the time to slide into a babe’s DMs) and seeking out porn or erotic fiction that inspires you (sometimes people think they’re experiencing a low sex drive when they’re actually just craving variety). You might want to engage in these practices alone at first, since any kind of pressure to “perform” for a partner can create a major sexual roadblock.

If you and your partner are quarantined together, you absolutely do not have to be having sex with them right now if you’re not into it. However, it’s important to check in with them about how they’re getting their sexual needs met. Do they need time and space to masturbate or have the occasional Facetime date with another partner? Ask and be honest about where you’re at. Mismatched sex drives can breed resentment if you’re not communicating your needs and expectations clearly.

Q2

How do you sext if you’re a bottom or sub? Also, how do you write a decent Lex ad as a bottom or sub?

A:

Vanessa: Oh my gosh, sexting and writing a Lex ad as a bottom or sub is so much fun! They are slightly different (though similar) so let’s break them up.

For sexting, let’s start with the article I wrote back in March – How to Write a Really Hot Sext in 5 Easy Steps. I think a misconception is that tops/doms are in charge and thus are the only ones who can instigate or create a sexy verbal dynamic, but that is not so! The most important part about being a bottom or a sub is knowing what you want and what your limits are, and then being able to articulate them. Sexting is perfect for that! Being a bottom doesn’t mean you can’t name your desire – in fact I’d argue that being a bottom is all about naming your desire! So if there’s someone you want to start sexting with and you identify as a bottom or a sub, you can still ask them if they’d like to sext with you… you’ll just do it in a way that reflects who you are. For me that’s often saying something like “I want to get on my knees for you so badly” or “Tell me what I could do for you if we were together right now” or “Can I send you a slutty selfie?” (once you’ve obtained consent, which can be as simple as “I’d love to sext with you, is that something you’re into?” or “I feel like our flirting is getting really sexy, are you comfortable taking it to the next level?”) I will be honest with you, not everyone is an A+ sexter, but if you are enthusiastic, determined, creative, and responsive, I believe you will do just fine! (And seriously, check out the post I linked to – I even created a customizable guide that you can fill in like mad libs!)

For Lex, we’ve actually written a bit about this too! Most recently Shelli compiled some real Lex profiles from AS staff members – at least one is written from the perspective of a bottom (I know because it’s mine, lol). This is a similar deal with sexting – just because you’re a bottom, doesn’t mean you’re a blank slate. You still have wants, needs, desires, etc. You also have attributes and characteristics that others will find desirable, will fulfill their wants, etc. You’re not just into someone because they say they’re a top / dom, right? (I hope not!) So your dating profile should say something more than just “bottom / sub.” Think about what you’re looking for – a sexting buddy in the time of COVID? A fuck buddy once we can be around people again? Do you want to meet up regular (on FaceTime or in person, one day) or would you prefer to see someone once a month? Are you looking for sex or would you rather just engage in a kinky dynamic where sex is off the table? What’s your favorite thing about yourself? What would make you excited about another human? Etc etc etc etc etc. Lex ads are short and sweet, so no need to write out your life story, but definitely think about the agency and desire you carry and go from there.

I hope that’s helpful! Have fun out there, from one bottom to another! Xoxo

Malic: I am by no means a dating app person, so I’m not going to touch the Lex ad half of this question. However, I can enthusiastically

I’m a top (ok, technically, I’m publicly a top and privately a switch for the right kind of person). I’m in a top/ dom role most of the time when I’m sexting, and as Vanessa pointed out, the bottom/ sub is often the one who’s in charge of the sexting narrative. I love sexts from bottoms that include specific requests (“I want you to pull my hair”), positive feedback (“I really liked it when you fucked me against your kitchen counter and I want you to do it again”), begging and the initiation of role play. Once the narrative gets going, I can follow a bottom’s lead and let my imagination visit the perviest of places.

And here’s a quick hack: once you’ve talked about preferences and boundaries with a specific sexting buddy, create a memo on your phone list of all the words/ phrases/ names/ adjectives that get them off. This is your sexting cheat sheet. You can reference it if you ever feel stuck.

Q3:

Hello Autostraddle staff, please help me!! I have never had a real partner, and have actively used dating apps, met people irl, joined queer groups, etc since coming out 4 years ago in hopes of hitting it off with someone. While I have had good dates and fun times, I mostly just end up making friends (which isn’t a bad thing!). I thought i was at the point where I decided if it happens it happens, I’m not going to stress about being single and all that … until two of my friends got into relationships. Both of them sort of fell into the relationships with people I introduced them to and I’m having a hard time being happy for them… I really want to be, but instead am just feeling jealous that they are having success and I’m not :/ how do I get over the jealousy and just be happy for them??? I am a very bad liar and I think they are catching on

Sincerely
Jealousy is not a good look for me!

A:

Vanessa: Okay, controversial opinion — I think being jealous is… okay. It’s not ideal, obviously, and is definitely something you can work on either privately or in therapy, but I don’t think you need to feel bad about it or even necessarily hide it from your pals. It sounds like you are lonely and wanting a date, and now two of your pals have the thing you want, not even randomly, but from direct actions you took to help them achieve it! I would probably feel jealous too. I think, depending on your level of closeness with these pals, it may even be useful to tell them and then just accept it.

I’m not sure when you sent this question in so it’s possible since the pandemic and quarantine and shelter in place and and and this isn’t even really on your mind anymore, but maybe it is! Maybe it is consuming you. I have found when I am most jealous about something in this life, the quickest way to take away the power that feeling has over me is… to say it outloud. It’s incredible how freeing it can feel to just name an emotion. If I were your pal and you told me, kindly and openly, that you were feeling jealous and you did wish me well but it was hard to accept, I would totally understand. I would even want to find ways to help you feel good again, and I would even support you if that meant taking a little bit of a break from hanging out with me (virtually, now) or hearing every detail of my new dating situation, etc. Honestly it doesn’t sound like you are doing anything bad or wrong, this sounds normal and sucky, and I think being honest with your pals and yourself will be the best course of action moving forward. Then when shelter in place is lifted and you get back to meeting people and living your best life, you won’t have any guilt or shame around you. You’ll just be living your life, stress free and single, and if it happens it happens. You’re already on the right track.

Abeni:: I disagree slightly with Vanessa, in that I think you’re right: jealousy (or envy, which is a closer match to what you’re feeling) is not a good look. It’s also definitely normal, and common, but in my opinion that doesn’t make it OK.

Envy, in my opinion, comes from having overlarge expectations for what you deserve. It seems like, at some (maybe subconscious) level, you feel like you deserve to have a partner, or love, or whatever. And on some level, if you’re envious instead of happy for your friend’s happiness, you might even feel like you deserve it, and they don’t.

I feel like the only way to actually stop feelings of envy is to think deeply about your values and beliefs about love and relationships. Ask yourself very honestly: do you think you deserve a partner? Do you think it’s a human right, or “everyone deserves love” or something, and you’re not getting what you’re owed? Go a step deeper: do you see yourself as a more-deserving partner than your friends, and feel like it’s “unfair” that they got partners and you didn’t? The thing is, none of these are true. Nobody deserves love, and not everyone will find it in their lives. You are owed nothing. You have to truly become OK with this – not “It’ll come when it comes,” but “I’m a whole, complete, happy person even if I never find a partner” (a more popular corollary to this is “I will never settle for a substandard partner just because I’m lonely”). That’s really difficult. Our entire culture is centered around coupling, and it can be even stronger for LGBTQ people because who we date is such a core part of our identity.

Now, I’m sorry if that came off as harsh, but honestly doing that introspection, maybe with a bunch of journaling, could be a way to stave off envious feelings. You definitely shouldn’t lie to your friends, though. “Hi friend, I have to tell you I am struggling with feelings of jealousy (or envy) and loneliness, and I’m finding it hard to be really happy and supportive right now. I know this is my issue, not yours, and I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to join in your happiness and support you. I’m working on it, though!” Seems like something like this would work if your friends are mature?

Rachel: To somewhat agree with both Abeni and Vanessa, I think it’s most useful (for me) to approach jealousy (and all emotions, including Undesirable ones) as meaningful information trying to tell you something, not as anything intrinsically good or bad. Getting angry is information about what feels boundary-crossing or counter to your values for you; fear or anxiety can be information about what feels dangerous to you, or that something important is at stake for you, and digging into it can be productive and helpful to learn about what’s important to you and your internal narratives. Without being SUPER condescending, what information could your jealousy be trying to give you right now? I know there’s the primary point that you would like to have the opportunity for a relationship even if it isn’t life or death, and I agree your jealousy is definitely pointing toward that, but I think there could be other opportunities to learn here too – what’s setting off your jealousy specifically? Is it when they express happiness or crush feelings, or time spent, or specific experiences with their partners? I know it’s frustrating and sucks — I am also single and my close friends are decidedly not, and it doesn’t always feel great, I’m with you — but noticing what you find yourself wanting most can be really useful info for when you do have the opportunity for a relationship, which I think it’s pretty likely you will at some point. You can also start noticing what you DON’T want and aren’t jealous of — if you let yourself notice the bad things as well as good, and really think about how while it’s awesome your friend has a girlfriend her girlfriend is also super codependent and needy and now your friend can’t focus on anything for more than 7 minutes because her girlfriend is texting needing urgent advice on what outfit her Animal Crossing character should wear today, you can also cultivate more gratitude about being single.

Q4:

Okay, this is probably one of the weirder advice request you’ve received: I’m a cis lesbian, and I need to know what to do about being really into gay male sex. Not participating, obviously, but I’ve been reading, um, adult-oriented fanfic and watching tv sex scenes (closest I can get to porn, which doesn’t do it for me) for years, and for some reason the only kind I can really get into (read: horny for) is gay men having sex. Queer women and straight couples getting it on just doesn’t really do it for me. I think it might have something to do with discomfort at watching women do what I do? I’ve had sex with a woman before, and was really into it, but watching women on a screen do it or reading about them doing it just feels….unexciting. But it’s been years since I was in my fangirl-obsessed-with-unrealistic-gay-male-ships phase, and to still be taking such pleasure in dirty art and fanfic about mlm ships is starting to feel really fetish-y, in a bad way. Any advice/thoughts on why I might be so into this, and whether or not I should be actively trying to stop?

A:

Vanessa: I am also a cis lesbian, I am not a professional therapist or sex educator, and my entirely unprofessional opinion is that this is totally fine. I have dated and slept with so many lesbians who are really only into gay male porn, and in my mind it just is what it is! Some of my dates have had opinions about why they were attracted to this specific pairing and some have admitted they don’t think about it too hard, but I really truly think there’s no reason you can’t read whatever you like when it comes to getting turned on. If you feel like analyzing it and figuring out the why, that’s cool, but if you wanna just like what you like, I also think that’s cool! As Archie always says: don’t overthink what feels good.

Archie: I was LITERALLY about to type: don’t overthink what feels good. Yes, most of us have to do work to deconstruct our desires (against transphobia, fatphobia, racism and other things that get embedded into our brains). However, I don’t think that’s what is happening here. You’re not treating the gay men in your life in any fetishy way, you’re attracted to certain characters or storylines and the bodies within them. It could be that you’re attracted to mlm fanfic/porn because it has a level of fantasy–it feels separate from your life and that feels safe!! I say instead of trying to push away from it, embrace it! Dig deeper and get off more. That’s my advice.

Stef: As a queer woman who periodically enjoys gay male porn (like, a lot), I’m just popping in to support you and tell you there are literally DOZENS of us.

Malic: What happens in your private pervy brain can stay in your private pervy brain. As long as your interest in gay dude sex isn’t impacting your actual friendships with gay men in your life, you don’t have to worry about your interests being “fetish-y in a bad way.” Each person’s erotic brain likes what it likes, and sometimes it likes things that make us uncomfortable or surprise us or don’t look like the actual sex we have.

Riese: Yeah if you look at the results from our Ultimate Lesbian Sex Survey a few years back, 33% of our respondents said they watch gay male-on-male porn. More specifically, gay male porn was preferred by 36% of people who identified as “Queer,” and around 32% for people identifying as bisexual or lesbian. When I used to write erotica and was around that scene more, I learned that a lot of gay male erotica writers were lesbians! It’s SUPER common. Also even if it wasn’t super common, it would still be super okay.

Q5:

First of all. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO! I grew up in LA and had a great queer group of friends around me to keep me sane after I came out. I moved to a very small mountain town in NorCal almost 8 years ago and have had zero queer community. Autostraddle has been a life raft for me, helping me feel connected to the queer community. So thanks for all the hard work, I appreciate you all.

Okay so, I’ve been in a relationship with my gf for almost 4 years now. We’ve lived together for almost 3 of those years. Our home life is great, our sex life is great and I’m completely in love with her. About a year ago, however, I started having feelings for my boss. My boss is a guy. I identify as a lesbian, I came out 9 years ago and have only ever been attracted to/dated women. I feel very attached to my identity so it took me completely by surprise when I finally started to recognize these feelings. I tried to mildly explore my sexuality in my mind. I wanted to see if these were feelings I was starting to have for any other men or just him. So far just him. Even still I can’t imagine sleeping with him but it did progress into me starting to fantasize about making out with him. I started dwelling on these feelings because I wanted to explore what they meant. Instead, that just turned into guilt ridden fantasies. They feel wrong because he’s my friend and my boss and worst of all because I’m in monogamous relationship with a woman I love. I work very closely with my boss and his partner of 15 years (my other boss.) They were both friends of mine before I ever worked for them and they have a somewhat open relationship but I feel strange around her now too. I feel like the flirtatious relationship him and I have always had is now wrong because of my feelings. It would also feel weird to just randomly stop interacting the way we have for years. They started/own the company I work for so I have to see them both on a regular basis. Primarily just him, almost everyday. We also text A LOT because of the nature of our work. Even though we’re flirtatious he is extremely respectful and would never make me feel uncomfortable. Especially since he became my boss 3 years ago. These feelings are starting to really complicate things for me because he’s become one of my closest friends and now I feel awkward and nervous around him. It is not good for our professional or personal relationship.

I don’t know how to move forward. No part of my love for my partner has been diminished in any way because of these feelings. I’m so in love with her and the life we have actively been building together. A lot of advice I’ve received from outside places have suggested I quit my job. This is not an option. I love my work and I see myself here for the next 20+ years. I don’t want to mess it up because I have a silly crush. I don’t exactly want to talk to my girlfriend about these feelings either because she’s also good friends with my bosses and I wouldn’t want any weird tensions to arise. Especially because as a part of my job I have to spend a significant amount of time alone with him. They are some of my only friends she has truly connected with and I don’t want to ruin that. Any advice for how to move forward? Or how I can shut down these feelings while still having to see/talk to him on a regular basis?

A:

Vanessa: A lot of these questions are really fascinating to me because I’m so curious if they came in before or after shelter in place happened. Like when you’re talking about seeing your boss/friend frequently now do you mean on Zoom, or are we talking about the Before when this was all happening in person 5 days a week and maybe now things have naturally shifted because, you know, pandemic. Anyway you can’t answer me, but I am really curious. A lot of romantic/sexual feelings have shifted since the pandemic took hold, so that is part of my curiosity.

Regardless! Here are my thoughts. I don’t mean to be flippant because I can see from your question that this is really stressing you out and you’re trying your best to make all the right choices, but there are really only a few ways for this to go. You could (1) tell your girlfriend and don’t tell your bosses, (2) tell your girlfriend and your bosses, (3) don’t tell your girlfriend and do tell your bosses, (4) don’t tell your girlfriend and don’t tell your bosses. Depending on what choices you make there, you will then either (5) act on your feelings or (6) don’t act on your feelings, with varying degrees of lying / cheating, depending on your aforementioned choices. Like I said, I do not say this to be flippant – I just want to remind you that even in the most confusing of situations, we often actually know all our choices, we just don’t necessarily want to face them so we focus on how sticky and tricky the situation is. This situation is stressful for sure, but it’s not that sticky and tricky.

You shouldn’t hook up with your boss. People will disagree with me, but this is one of my most firmly held positions in life. There’s an inherent power dynamic, it’s even more complicated if you’re friends, and you’re putting your livelihood at risk. You also shouldn’t cheat on your girlfriend. So in my mind, if it’s really important to you to pursue something with this person who is your close friend and partnered, you need to talk to your girlfriend about it and you need to quit your job. To be totally honest – and this is just the Capricorn in me probably – that doesn’t really seem worth it to me. But maybe you just read that sentence and your whole body lit up on fire and you were like, Vanessa, NO, it IS WORTH IT. In which case! That really answers the question doesn’t it?

I think I could’ve simplified this whole thing and said – crushes are normal, and they happen, and they can tell us things about ourselves, but we don’t always have to act on them. Sometimes the only point of a crush is to be a crush. A crush is also a habit, so if you’d like to stop feeling the crush, just try to make it a habit to not think of him that way. It’ll take time, and it’ll be hard because you see him every day, but hooking up with your boss and/or cheating on your girlfriend is not an inevitable route. The story you’re describing has multiple endings, and you are in charge of picking which one you go for. I hope reading this has helped clarify, at least, which option is your ideal choice.

Drew: I agree with Vanessa and also think that sometimes crushes can move from crushes into secondary crushes. I don’t know if that’s actually a concept that exists, but I’m thinking of it the same way that secondary anxiety has been described to me by my therapist. You’re no longer feeling anxious about xy&z, but rather feeling anxious about the anxiety itself. It can work with crushes the same way. Sometimes I’ll know someone for years and we’ll have a certain relationship and then after a certain conversation or exchange or because I’m in a certain headspace, suddenly I develop a devastating crush. And sometimes this makes me spiral! I’m filled with guilt and anxiety and also this underlying feeling that my crush is actually all that matters and all the consequences of those feelings would be worth it because of this newfound connection is REAL. This is usually when I try to get myself to breathe. Because at a certain point am I realize I’m not obsessing over crush feelings, but rather the idea of the crush itself.

Relationships are complicated! And by relationships I mean all the different ways we connect with people. Sometimes crush feelings arise towards friends or coworkers when we least expect them. And, sure, oftentimes I am on Team Act on Them. But what you’re describing doesn’t seem like that situation. It reminds me much more of the crushes I have that come on quickly and come on so strong I think they’ll never pass, but then they just… do. God I’ve had so many weeklong periods where I was convinced various crushes on friends were Real Feelings, and looking back it just makes me laugh.

I think you can tell your girlfriend. I wouldn’t tell your boss. But I also don’t think you need to tell either. I think if you acknowledge that what you’re feeling is normal and doesn’t require judgement then it will pass on its own.

Abeni: Don’t fuck your boss. I think you should talk to him about the flirtatious nature of y’all’s communication, and ask him to stop; that’s pretty unprofessional anyway and it has the added effect of contributing to the feelings you have now.

Honestly otherwise I think you just need to get over it. Crushes fade. When you find yourself thinking about him romantically, shut that thought process down. Witness it, trash it, and move on. Focus on work. It should pass.

Malic: I agree with the general “don’t fuck your boss” stance. You said that you love your work and see yourself staying at this job for the next 20+ years. I doubt you’d want to complicate your work life if you’re planning to stick around that long, so in that case, don’t fuck your boss and don’t tell him that you have feelings for him. He doesn’t need to know.

But does your partner need to know? It’s normal to have crushes while you’re in a monogamous relationship. Sometimes it’s fun to share those crushes with your partner, and sometimes it’s a recipe for suspicion. You certainly don’t have to mention these feelings to your partner, but it sounds like you have a lot of guilt around this crush. If you and your partner have a trusting relationship and you think that she’ll respond with understanding, then telling her about your feelings might help you release some of that guilt. A conversation about your crush might also open the door to a conversation about exploring your sexuality, whether that involves role playing with your partner or seeking out other sexual partners (who aren’t your boss or your coworkers).

You don’t have to shut down your feelings unless that really seems best for you. Having a crush is fun. You can enjoy it without acting on it.

Q6:

Advice for staying friends with an ex, where your strategy for staying friends after the breakup was basically to pretend the relationship never happened?
Brief backstory- we were friends first, then vodka happened, then we kind of dated for 2 years, then I moved away for school and she didn’t believe in long distance so things ended. She was my best friend before, and still a super important person in my life. I don’t want to lose my college best friend just because some awkward kissing happened in between.

The one stereotype we never met was overprocessing. Or any processing. Communication was always a weak point in our relationship, and probably a reason that it wouldn’t have worked out (or would have needed a lot of growth on both our parts) even if the school issue hadn’t come up. So falling back into not talking about things was really easy after the heartbreak (on my side) settled. And mostly, it works! It’s been several years. We text about mutual acquaintances, have Zoom hangouts with our college crew, and grab lunch when I’m in town for an interview.

But the college freq has been hanging out more since social distancing and all, and every so often the erasure is kind or jarring. She’ll mention her sister in a situation that’s SHOCKINGLY reminiscent of something we did with narry a nod to the similarities. She’ll mention trips we went on, or people we knew without any acknowledgement of the state in which we experienced them. It almost feels like gaslighting, that I could wake up and find out that nobody else remembers the things I do and it was all a dream. Not in a malicious way, but still enough to sort of stop trusting my memories.

I don’t know why this bothers me, but it kind of does. I’m not still in love with her, and I miss the uncomplicated friendship from before we dated WAY more than I miss the complicated dating. But still, this erasure of a fairly significant stretch in our lives leaves me with a wierd feeling. Maybe because I don’t really have anyone else to process this with, so by not talking about it in this scenario it just remains unprocessed? maybe I just want to know that I’m not crazy that it mattered to me at the time?

Am I crazy to still care about this? Is it worth bringing up? Do I just need a third party to process this all with separately? Do I just need to grow up and move on and be glad we’re friends at all?

A:

Vanessa: You aren’t crazy to still care about this, I don’t think it’s worth bringing up with her based on the information you’ve shared (because it doesn’t sound like she would be receptive to the kind of processing I think you are hoping for), it would be great to process with a third party separately (ideally a therapist or someone who does not know her so you don’t have to worry about gossip getting back to her), and you absolutely get to decide the answer to this last question! If being friends feels more good than not good then yes, I would work on processing the hard parts with someone else and focusing on the good of the friendship now. If you think about it and you find that being friends, in the way you are now, actually does not feel good, I give you permission to put up some walls around her and do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. This could mean cutting ties, it could mean accepting that your relationship will never really be what it was and she can’t give you the closure you’re looking for so you’ll need to find it yourself, or it could be just committing to only see her on Zoom infrequently and with other friends and try to take space without making a big deal. Whatever choice you make is correct, because it is 100% yours.

Malic: I’m so sorry that your friend isn’t acknowledging your past relationship. Two years of dating is a lot to sweep under the rug. It completely makes sense that this feels hurtful, and it’s worth bringing up with your friend. She might have no idea that she’s causing you harm. Given her history of zero communication, she might also want to unpack (or at least acknowledge) your relationship and not know how to start the conversation.

If she isn’t open to the discussion or isn’t capable of giving you what you need, then I 100% agree with Vanessa that it might be time to reframe the friendship or release it entirely.

Riese: I think you gotta talk to her — if she’s up for it! You were best friends before you started dating and now it feels like your friendship is over and she’s written you out, which must be really confusing! You invested your time and emotions and heart into building something with her over a period of years and before writing it all off, maybe see what could transpire when you guys try to actually talk about your feelings! It sounds like there might be a LOT of pent up ones that are worth getting out in the open. Maybe she does need a change, maybe both of you need to set more definitive boundaries/guidelines for a place where your relationship has the potential to grow. If something shifted in your romantic relationship and you weren’t sure why, you’d probably be encouraged to ask her about it and talk it out — but friendship is a kind of relationship too, and I think it’s worth the same investment/consideration.

Q7:

yo so i’m working in one of the industries that is likely to not exist for the next year+ (performing arts). how do i make money. i have a fancy degree from over a decade ago and no marketable skills that i’m aware of. tbh i have no idea why i think you, brilliant strangers, can answer this, but i saw the a+ box and was like THERE. THEY ARE SMART AND WILL SAY THINGS. anyway thanks for existing, love y’all

A:

Vanessa: I think, unfortunately, your question is one that a lot of us are asking ourselves. Who knows what tomorrow will even look like outside, how on earth can we predict what our jobs will look like (or won’t look like) in a year or more? I personally have been finding this extra scary because my fall back jobs, the ones I always look for when I can’t find anything else, all involve childcare, and we’re not even allowed to be around other people right now. It’s scary. I would say that if you feel nervous about your job not existing in the near future, and feel as though you have no marketable skills, but currently have a comfortable living situation and a steady paycheck (which you may not have! But if you do) now might be a time to think about some marketable skills you’d like to learn, or some ways you can freshen up your resume to focus on skills that actually are indeed marketable, or consider where you might live in the future that has a much lower overhead than you have right now. I am someone who takes comfort in making plans, and while it is literally impossible to make concrete plans right now, we can certainly take stock and dream about what we’d like our lives to look like in the after of this pandemic. Oh, also – we’re living through a global pandemic. Please go easy on yourself. You’re doing your best, and you’re doing a good job. I wish you luck and I hope you’ll keep writing us when you need to.

Stef: I’m mostly here to echo Vanessa’s statement above, but as someone who also works in an industry that’s shuttered until at best next year (live music), I’ve been asking myself this question a lot. It took a long time to build a stable career doing something I care about, and even when it was stressful I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. Trying to figure out the next few months or years is soul-crushing, but I do know we’re all in the same boat. While I do believe that crowd-based events are going to come back, it isn’t going to be soon, so we all have this blank space to account for and I hate it. We can’t control the length of time it will take for things to go back to (almost) normal, but I guess what we’re looking at is an opportunity to do something different for a while. Is there some kind of alternative dimension where you’d pursued a different career path, and if so, is now the time to investigate what that might look like? When large-scale gatherings return, it’s likely that our jobs will still be there and they’ll need people who know what they’re doing, but until then we have a chance to pursue opportunities we otherwise wouldn’t have. It’s not my favorite situation, but there are a lot of us in the exact same place right now and unfortunately for all of us, there is no game plan for this kind of thing.

Malic: When I’m not writing for Autostraddle, I work as a stand up comedian and actor, so I’m experiencing the “how do I make money?!” fear right along with you. I would feel more relaxed if this pandemic had an end date and I knew exactly when I’d get to be on stage again. We’re all stuck living with uncertainty right now, and it’s fucking brutal.
As Vanessa and Stef said, this might be a good time to gather skills for a backup career in a different industry, but if you live and die by performing and cannot imagine doing anything else, there are ways to get paid as a performer right now — you just have to willing to build your own audience.

Live performance is dead for the foreseeable future, so it’s time to learn how to make and market online content. Right now my dancer friends are teaching donation-based classes on Zoom, my actor friends are charging for online coaching and my comedian pals are selling tickets to online shows. We’re not making as much money as we’re used to and we miss the thrill of a live audience, but this online model allows us build an audience with no geographic limits. That will only benefit our careers in the long-run.

Rachel: My advice on this as someone in an “unconventional” industry/work history and who also helps people out with resumes and job applications is to think abstractly and expansively about your skill set in terms of what else you could be suited for or interested in. It’s definitely frustrating to think, say, “wow, great that I have all this experience facilitating improvisational movement workshops, so useful and lucrative! 🙄🙄”. And I get it! But if you can break down that skill set into its fundamentals, I would say you have experience facilitating and leading spaces for teamwork and collaboration, a solid grounding in application of pedagogy and managing complex group dynamics to achieve a goal, and excellent people skills. Those apply to a ton of industries, a lot of them things you would probably really love to work in! An ex of mine with a poetry PhD just got a job, I’m told, coordinating arts and crafts curriculum at an assisted living facility (yes, like Judy in Dead To Me). It doesn’t necessarily require the degree, but the skill sets involved — creative pedagogy, classroom management, building supportive relationships with students one on one and in a group, the significance of art in day to day life — are the same, and apparently it pays very well!

I understand this is maybe less useful to you in quarantine, as the number of jobs you can realistically work at is very limited now, and I’m not trying to downplay that reality — I do think it will help a lot though if you let yourself think beyond “what do I have experience and training in specifically” and more about “what does my experience and training allow me to potentially do” and think really expansively when you answer that.

Q8:

How do you flirt with someone in quarantine? Went on a couple dates with this girl months ago, we both assumed that things weren’t going to happen because of arbitrary nonsense, and then we matched on Tinder and started texting paragraphs at a time. We haven’t explicitly acknowledged that we’re into each other, but have hinted around it by acknowledging how bad we are at flirting and suchlike. How do I move things forward in a non-creepy way (ofc without violating social distancing)?

A:

Vanessa: Tell her you’re into her and ask if she feels the same! Literally you could just write a version of what you wrote us, but slightly more confident, LOL. If you’re already writing each other paragraphs AND you’re stuck inside quarantining, there is no reason to be coy. “Hey, this might seem awkward to say out right, but I feel silly holding it in… I’m really into you. I know our dates didn’t really go anywhere, but I feel like I would really like to try dating again, if you’re into it?” And then if she says yes, start talking on the phone or FaceTime and having cute “dates” and acknowledge that you are dating and that you’ll be excited to see what happens when it’s safe to meet in person, whenever that is, and if she says no then you can decide if you want to keep talking to her even if it’s just as a friend or if that will end up hurting your feelings and you should end things now. Being honest about your feelings with someone who is texting you paragraphs at a time is not creepy, I promise!

Drew: I want to start by saying that the advice Vanessa just gave is the Correct™ response. But I think especially in the current moment you might be looking for a slower burn introduction of flirting rather than a declaration of feelings? If not, ignore this, be bold, embrace direct communication, godspeed, etc. BUT. Flirting. So the first thing is in my experience people who are very worried about being creepy usually are not going to be creepy. I think a lot of us queer people have those worries and while it’s better than the alternative — actually being creepy — I think it’s often just shame. So, first, accept that you can start to move the conversation into a romantic/sexual place without worrying about being creepy.

Obviously there’s no step-by-step flirting guide I can provide, because you need to speak as you and speak to this other person based on who they are. But I do think sometimes it’s really simple. Did they say something that made you laugh or something super smart and it flushed you with crush feelings? Express those! When you think “You’re so cute” or “God that was hot” just… say it. Are you just texting or do you follow each other on Instagram? Because it’s VERY easy to flirt if they’re posting pictures you can respond to. But even just in text letting yourself speak more freely will help you flirt.

My last piece of advice is maybe too chaotic and gay, but if I’m having a Very Serious Conversation sort of relationship with someone and I want to make it flirty, I will shift the conversation into discussing dating and past experiences. Nothing raw obviously! Don’t bring up some ex you’re still sad about. But just generally talking about dating and what I’m into and things that have happened to me. Thinking about dating can be a first step to thinking about dating each other — or, more accurately, acknowledging you were thinking about it the whole time.

Of course, an important detail is assessing how they respond when you start to take steps in these directions. If they give nothing back then maybe they’re just not interested. If your feelings continue and you wonder if they’re just bad at flirting, that’s when we go back to direct communication being your best option.

Q9:

Hey there,

My partner and I both work for the same university, and they just instituted a hiring freeze for at least a year. My job is (as of now, at least) secure, but they’re on a temporary contract that expires in August; they took a gamble about getting the position that the temp was covering for (which would have been a great advance for them) and may lose because of it (they turned down an interview for a less interesting, but permanent, post last summer). There’s an option of the department petitioning for an extension, and internal staff at risk get redeployed first, but there is a very real danger. Do you have any advice on how to offer support? We’re not in lockdown in the same place, and a lot of the long-distance perk up advice i’ve used in the past is based on treats, etc, and i’m worried that’ll remind them I can still afford that. I also don’t want them to have to think about it too much before they need to? They’re not the type to resent me my security, but I feel guilty about it? Obviously other ppl have more pressing problems so deal with those first

A:

Vanessa: I’m curious if you and your partner have discussed how they feel about this uncertainty and danger, and if they’ve been able to express ways in which you could support them. Not everyone is great at articulating exactly what they need when it comes to support from a partner, but if they are able to, that could answer some of your questions directly. I personally really like receiving treats, and if that was something built into my relationship I would not resent my partner still being able to do that for me – I would be happy and soothed that they were aiming to cheer me up and hold me from afar. It’s totally fine for you to feel guilty but I wouldn’t let the guilt drive your actions – not doing sweet gestures for your partner because you’re worried it will remind them that your job is secure and theirs isn’t seems counterintuitive to me. They definitely know your job is secure and theirs isn’t – they definitely did not forget, you know? A treat isn’t going to remind them of the scary fact – it will hopefully just cheer them up for a moment! That said, my main advice remains what I suggested at the beginning, which is to try to talk to them about how they would best feel supported, and then do that. I wish you both good luck, and try not to be hard on yourself – it sounds like you’re a really kind and thoughtful partner, and we are all doing the best we can living through a global pandemic. You’re doing a good job.

Rachel: Would love to echo Vanessa that not only would I not resent this, but would appreciate it – especially would appreciate it if this level of support went beyond treats and focused on quality of life and necessities, like “babe I know you’ve been really stressed and having a hard time meal planning, and while I still have this job and the resources that come with it, I’d love to help — can I order you a delivery from Costco?” I know talking about money is awkward, but I also know that sometimes my well-meaning wealthier friends are worried that they’ll somehow mess up by bringing an acknowledgement of money into the conversation when in reality everyone is already very aware of how much money everyone has, and it ends up being much more awkward not to offer to help when people know that you can. Personally I find that even when I obsess over the “right” way to help, trying to help at all in concrete ways always alleviates guilt more than not.

Q10:

I have never had sex and I Really want to! For various reasons in the one relationship I’ve had it wasn’t a possibility, at the end of that relationship I began talking to friends about it, two different friends were both very into the idea of platonic sex! WOO! With the first, we just weren’t in the right emotional space in the timeframe we had to make it happen before they moved away. And the second was gonna visit, but covid-19 happened. I’m having a hard time believing I will ever touch another human again generally, but especially that I’ll ever have an opportunity to have sex. It makes me really sad that I got close and then everything fell apart. I feel stuck in the mindset that it’ll never happen and something will always go wrong and prevent me from experiencing what I truly want. I know no one really knows what will happen, but any advice for keeping up hope and belief and confidence in being able to have sex eventually?

A:

Vanessa: I really empathize with feeling like you will never touch another human ever again. I live alone and it’s been like 8 weeks and wow, this sucks, huh? It is so frustrating that something you were very excited about was going to happen and then COVID happened. I’m very sorry. My friends and I have been making this joke which is not really funny but it just is what it is where we say, “Pandemics? Bad! Coronavirus? 0/10, no thank you, do not recommend!” Things are objectively bad and sad and bleak right now, and you are absolutely allowed to feel bummed that life as we know it was essentially put on pause. That said – I do feel confident in saying that you will have sex eventually! You will touch other humans eventually! We will all get a version of our lives back, eventually! I really do not know when. I do not know how. I do not know what the world will look like when this is “over” or if it will ever be “over” rather than “a new version of normal” or something like that.

I think it could be fun to try sexting people while you’re sheltering in place, or make a Lex ad, or start an elaborate masturbation practice, or fulfill some sort of sexy situation that can be accomplished from the comfort of your own home. I think that might help me, personally, avoid the headspace of like, “this is hopeless.” But really you should just do whatever makes you happy on a daily basis. We are living through the worst global health crisis any of us have ever experienced. You are doing a great job. You will definitely have sex one day – I am sure of it.

Archie: Seconding Vanessa’s advice: take this time to flirt! Text the person who was going to visit and see if they’d be down for sexts. This can be great practice to communicate your desires (and ask what turns them on)! Also sexting can totally help build hope that physical sex will indeed happen as well as build sexual confidence as well! Also a really great way to spend your time (and I will also argue sexting is a valid form of sex but that’s a convo for another day).

Abeni: I have a really uncomfortable truth to share with you: it’s NOT an eventuality that you will have sex. Some people never do. Some people just can’t. They still can have lovely, important, fulfilling lives. It also could happen 10 years from now, or you could meet someone and fuck them the minute quarantine’s over! You need to accept any of these as a very possible scenarios (you’ll touch another human being at some point, though, so don’t despair on that point). If you never have sex, it won’t be the end of the world! Sex is great, or whatever, but is it the driving force of your life? Would the rest of your life and accomplishments be worthless if you don’t have sex? Was your previous relationship without sex a complete waste of time? Is it so important that it’s worth distressing over? Maybe. But maybe not.

It’s important to dig deep and try to figure out why you’re so eager to have sex. Are you just curious? Do you feel like you’re missing out? Do you feel like you’re not really ________ if you haven’t acted on it? Do you feel embarrassed/inadequate about not having done it? Do you feel like you “deserve” it for some reason? Do you equate sex/intimacy with your self-worth or desirability and, thus, your value as a human being? Do you want sex or do you want someone to desire you? Do you want sex or do you want to be loved, and you equate the two subconsciously? Most of us never interrogate these feelings, but figuring this out will help you put your desire to have sex into context.

A desire for sex is so natural, and I’m not saying it’s wrong or something. But the primacy of sex in our culture, especially in our community, often leads to some very unhealthy behavior. And it’s causing you distress. It’s worth interrogating.

Finally: if you just have to get laid to get it over with, there’s always sex workers who’d be happy to help.

Q11:

To begin, I know my problem doesn’t amount to a pile of beans in this crazy world yet here it is.

My partner and I are isolating away from one another, as I live with a high risk person and they have several roommates (one of whom was working outside the home for a while). We have gone on maybe three distance walks since this whole thing started.

They’re taking the separation very hard. Touch is very much their love language and they also have some trauma around not feeling physically desirable in past relationships. So, no matter how much verbal affirmation I offer them, they still feel rejected and hurt by me. We are navigating this as best we can.

Here is where I need advice: they are convinced we are the only couple that is isolating away from each other. They haven’t said as much, but I get the feeling they think I am entirely overreacting. So, am I? Or are they just in denial about this? They’re usually very well informed and this feels a bit like willful ignorance. If I am right, how do I gently get them to see and accept that truth, even if it isn’t what either of us wants? I worry that without resolution, their frustration over my “overly cautious” boundary will result in a lot of resentment.

I want them to be okay and I want us to get through this.
Thanks.

A:

Vanessa: Oof, I’m sorry. This is tough. I will start out by affirming you – you are definitely not the only couple isolating away from each other. You also aren’t overreacting. I am distressed every day by the number of people who I love and consider very dear to me who are, how shall we say, underreacting!

If you live with someone who is high risk, their health has to come first. That means that honestly even a distance walk with someone who isn’t 100% isolated is somewhat putting them at risk. You could try to explain this to your partner. The only loophole I’m seeing here is if, for some reason, you and your partner and their housemates felt comfortable with you moving in to their place, that could be okay. If you genuinely isolate for 14 days (the period of time that the virus is contagious) and then go make yourself part of their pod, then that’s that. You would not be able to return to your apartment, because you would suddenly be a much higher risk vector to your roommate, but if you feel comfortable essentially moving in with your partner for the duration of this time, I think that’s a safe choice.

The thing is… nothing in your question indicates that you want this. In fact, I’m not sure what you want at all. You mention what your partner maybe feels, and how they are responding to the separation, but I have no clue if you are comfortable with how things are right now. If you are content in your situation (or as content as someone could be right now) then I think you just need to have some hard real talk conversations with your partner. Try to find some couples you know on social media who are clearly isolating apart and show your partner that other people are doing this, too. You’re welcome to use some of the Autostraddle staff as examples – I know at least three of us off the top of my head who are isolating separately from dates or partners. It sucks! You can offer them empathy and make sure they know you still love them and it doesn’t feel good to you either, but that unfortunately you cannot place your personal desires over the potential of killing someone else! It’s really hard to convince someone who has decided that things are “fine” and that people are “overreacting” that things are in fact not fine and we are in fact not overreacting, especially depending on the city/town you live in and how bad/less bad things are now. I will say unfortunately I do not think we have reached the worst part of this pandemic in the USA yet, so it’s possible that over time the sheer facts of the matter will change your partner’s mind.

I would think carefully about what you want, be as honest but firm with your partner as you can be, and then just keep showing up for them in all the ways you can and affirming that you love them and your boundary does not change that. I am wishing you both luck.

Abeni: Ugh, I’m in the same boat. My partner and I haven’t seen each other in person in over two months. No distance walks, even. My roommate is immunocompromised, so I can’t put them at risk. My partner is VERY annoyed and sad and stressed and we talk a lot about how much she misses me. She has some of the same relationship issues it sounds like your partner does. But she’d never ask me to come see her to relieve those feelings despite the risk, because she’s mature and empathetic and understanding.

If your partner wants y’all to hang out beyond distance walks (which, as Vanessa pointed out, aren’t really that safe), and your roommate isn’t cool with it, they’re asking you to put the LIFE of your roommate at risk to assuage their mild discomfort. It would be INCREDIBLY selfish.

The thing is, you’ve said they’re “convinced” of ______ but you also said they “haven’t said as much.” What have they said? Maybe they’re just verbalizing their fears and stress, but would never ask you to actually act on them. You need to talk to them directly about what they’re feeling and what they want instead of assuming what they want without them actually saying as much. If you asked them, they might say “No way would I ask you to do that, are you kidding?” Or they could say the opposite, but you would at least know where they stand.

Resentment can breed from both sides. The only antidote is an honest conversation, in my opinion.

Malic: I’ll echo Vanessa here — no, you are absolutely not overreacting. You’re doing exactly what you need to do to take care of your high-risk roommate and protect your community.

You say that your partner is “in denial” of the current situation and is hurt that you won’t breach safety protocols in order to meet their needs. Skin hunger is a real thing, and many of us are having a hard time foregoing touch right now. That said, we’re all making sacrifices for the greater good, and it sounds like you see that more clearly than your partner does. 

You’ve already explained the importance of social distancing to your partner. Their resistance might not be due to a lack of knowledge — it might be a result of different values. Ask your partner about what’s important to them, and be honest about where your values might diverge. The “values talk” is a tough conversation to have, but it can shine a bright (and sometimes harsh) light on your compatibility overall.

Rachel: Would echo everyone that you definitely aren’t overreacting or being too cautious — many people are in this position and are choosing to stay that way for everyone’s safety. Thinking about how your partner feels rejected and alone (which I will also echo I totally understand, and feel a lot of empathy for the fact that all of our Baggage™ is often right at the surface right now, and a lot of us are reacting from places of really primal emotions rather than logic), I’m thinking about some resources I’ve seen about messaging and narratives around the pandemic. They recommend things like trying to work on editing your internal monologue from things like “I can’t see my friends or family” to “I am staying home to keep my friends and family safe.” Is there a way that you and your partner can work on reframing separation right now as something really hard and brave that you’re doing because you love them and want them to be safe and healthy?

Q12:

Topic – ex wife giving somewhat mixed signals.

My wife and I legally divorced in April 2017 after having gotten married on Decision Day 2015 and having been together for nearly a decade. 2017 saw us have two unsuccessful attempts to get back together and ended in her moving to a new state and dating another woman (interesting side note – other woman has the same name as me).

Ex wife and I do some serious therapist prescribed work over the course of 2018-2019. It is mutually agreed on that none of our issues were deal breakers, we resolve (well, as much as two people NOT in a relationship together can resolve) several issues and come to a new place of honesty, vulnerability, and communication. I made it clear that my goal was and has always been to A) understand what happened in our relationship and marriage and heal, and B) be able to try a relationship again with Ex as two new people with new understandings of ourselves and each other.

Ex has been dating but not living with the woman with my name until Nov 2019. The “Other Me” is not emotionally stable and while she knows that Ex and I communicate, she is unaware that communication was 6-8 hours of emotional facetime calls every week for nearly a year, plus other communications. She is unaware that Ex and I have seen each other in person when Ex is back in my state. I have been asked to not mail even as much as a generic holiday card since Other Me has ISSUES with me doing so.

I am still completely in love with Ex. I have made that abundantly clear. Ex states she still loves me but the issue is that she loves Other Me and that she is not “in a place” to start anything more with me.

How do I stop waiting for Ex’s current relationship to end? How do I stop wanting her so badly that I’m unable to fully pursue other romantic relationships? (side bar, the second: Ex and I are both monogamous humans, and neither want multiple partners). I have a great job that I love, an active and growing social/friend circle, and my relationship with my family is solid. Literally everything in my life is going well EXCEPT that the person I love “isn’t in a place” to be with me…. Which let’s be real, she would be “in the place” if she truly wanted to be.

I have a therapist and I work with her on this but I still find myself constantly wanting and waiting for Ex. Any suggestions very appreciated!

A:

Vanessa: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH this hurt my heart to read!!! Okay listen you’re not going to like my advice but here it is: “How do I stop waiting for Ex’s current relationship to end?” You stop. That’s it. That’s the whole answer. There is no other answer.

This person is not available to be with you. She’s essentially cheating on her current partner with you (6-8 hours of FaceTime calls every week for nearly a year?!?! No wonder her partner doesn’t want you mailing things to the house!) and she is unwilling to break off that relationship to give y’all a real new beginning. Nope, nope, nope. Love is a habit. Break this habit.

My strongest Capricorn advice? Cut off all contact. Not to be unkind – but because you have to, to be kind to yourself. You stop wanting her by not talking to her, by telling yourself she is not available to date you, by reminding yourself that you are not dating and you should not treat her like a date, a girlfriend, or a past, present, or future wife. Cold turkey. Close this door. Please please please, I know we can’t make grown adults do anything they don’t want to do, but I am begging you to cut things off with your Ex so you can get over her and find the love you deserve with someone who is available to build something real with you.

It’s very boring cliche straight people advice but it’s true – a mixed signal is a no. If it were a yes, it would be a yes. If it’s not a yes, it’s a no. Say goodbye to your Ex and move on. You deserve it.

Abeni:: Make sure you read Vanessa’s advice before reading this one. Really, only keep reading if you want “tough love” / “harsh truth” style advice. You sure? Ok: You know all those movies where the person is pining after someone that’s cheating with them, and they keep saying, “Well, (s)he’s gonna break up with her and then we can be together, and it’s OK that it’s a secret right now, because the world doesn’t UNDERSTAND our LOVE and once (s)he gets rid of this EVIL BITCH we can be together and we’ll be happily ever after!” But (s)he never does and (s)he’s never going to, and they’re being delusional and immature and just need to get over it and move on? That’s you right now.

Jehan:: I hope you do read Vanessa’s and Abeni’s advice because I’m over here clapping, agreeing with everything they’ve said. The only thing I have to add is that I found it troubling you referred to your Ex’s current partner as “Other [You].” I think it’s incredibly important to stop this because, effectively, you’re portraying this person as a stand-in, as a replacement version of yourself. As hard as it is to accept, your ex is not with the “other [you],” the fact is she is with SOMEONE ELSE ENTIRELY. What I got from your letter is that you see this other person as a sub-par you since you a share a name and a history with your Ex. Emotionally uncoupling yourself from both your ex and from the idea that she’s been investing in the real, the better, the more evolved, [fill in the blank] you with all of these emotionally charged communications and not emotionally cheating on her actual partner strike me as a necessary reckoning needed to let this relationship go for good.

Q13:

How do I cope with being misgendered when living at home in quarantine? I love my family but the only people to correctly gender me at the moment are online and it’s really frustrating esp in an argument if gendered terms are being thrown around.

A:

Drew: I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this right now. It’s a stressful time for everyone and the least you deserve is to be correctly gendered in your home. Unfortunately, I think a lot of people are dealing with what you are right now.

I assume you’re correcting your family, or doing so as much as it feels comfortable for you. If you do have an otherwise good relationship with your family, I wonder if it might be worth it to have a longer conversation with them about pronouns? Maybe you’ve already done this, but I’ve found the most success when I’ve explained to people that pronouns are not something to memorize but an expression of they see me. I try to explain why misgendering hurts, while making sure they know that I understand it takes an adjustment. Sometimes this sort of conversation can be more effective than the in-the-moment corrections. Of course, this requires an audience willing to listen and learn, and I’m not sure your family is open to it.

If the misgendering continues, it really does come down to turning towards those online communities you’ve described. I know it’s not the same. It will still be really hard. But if you can focus on the fact that there are people out there who see you for who you are then maybe you’ll be able to weather your family’s misgendering a little easier.

Abeni: This really depends on if you’re out to them or not. If not, you might just have to suffer in silence. Lean hard on your support network. There are online LGBTQ+ support groups, Zoom chats, healing rooms. Remember daily, hourly, that their misgendering is them treating you in the only way they know how to, and how others see you isn’t nearly as important as how you see yourself.

If they do know your pronouns and gender and refuse or “forget,” follow Drew’s advice. Maybe even start misgendering them. People sometimes really don’t get it until you make them experience it. Call your dad “ma’am” and when he balks, remind him that it doesn’t feel good to be misgendered! Maybe that’s an escalation you don’t want to deal with, though. Definitely don’t do things like that unless you’ve already gone the mature route and had a conversation about it with them.

Malic: I’m so sorry you’re stuck in that environment right now. I’m going to assume that you’re out to your family, you’ve already requested specific gender terms and pronouns and you’ve been correcting family members when inaccurate terms and pronouns are used.

Sometimes you can correct people over and over again, and they still won’t put in the effort to gender you appropriately. While some folks misgender others from a place of malice, I think most people just don’t understand how traumatizing misgendering can be. I’ve had the most success when I’ve explicitly stated how I feel when I’m misgendered. Try telling you family, “When you misgender me, I feel [blank].” Once they can connect their behavior to the real harm it’s causing you, they might be more likely to step it up.

Q14:

Your nervous-neighborhood-bi-demisexual here in need of some help. I only began embracing my attraction to women after a 7 year long relationship with an (albeit effeminate guy) ended leaving me pretty scarred. That was almost 4 years ago now and I’ve spent a lot of time working on myself and carefully considering and embracing my queer identity. I do force myself to try to date occasionally though, in LA especially, it’s hard to hold someone’s interest long enough to figure out if you have any kind of deeper connection.

Because I started dating women later in life (I’m in my 30s) I feel like I missed the bus on the whole ‘figuring out how to be gay’ situation and will never catch up. One of the things that holds me back the most is that I haven’t had sex with a woman yet. I’d sure like to, but how do you even bring that up to someone? It’s embarrassing, puts a lot of pressure on the situation, and I worry that telling someone would make them take my sexuality less seriously (I still struggle with imposter syndrome even though I know this is who I am.) My biggest fear is scaring someone away with my inexperience, but I don’t want to be dishonest either. This has been holding me back for years. Any advice you have would honestly be really helpful.

(I love you guys and am really excited to have found your site. Keep fighting the good fight and writing the good write)

A:

Archie: Consider how many people have written to AS about coming out after thirty (it’s a lot!), please don’t feel like you missed out on anything! I’m going to remind you that you don’t have to disclose anything you don’t want to future partners. If the act of disclosing your inexperience is triggering your imposter syndrome, putting unnecessary pressure on a situation, or preventing you from reaching out to new people, consider not disclosing! If things lead to the bedroom, then by all means let them know if it’ll make you feel better! But even then, you’re allowed to say “I’m really nervous” and leave it at that. We don’t owe anyone our sexual histories, not even potential partners.

Jehan: I pretty much came to agree with Archie and echo that we don’t owe anyone our sexual histories unless it’s relevant to someone’s physical health. As a fellow 30-something who came out in said 30s, I can affirm that our trajectory is far more common than you might think. One thing that may be helpful is to reread your own letter aloud. You use several words/phrases that seem like explanations: “only began embracing my attraction to women,” “never catch up,” and “imposter syndrome,” are just a few. I think it’s so important to the ways in which we discuss ourselves and the narratives we keep on repeat about yourselves. Read your letter aloud so you can expose this sort of self-talk to the air and let it wither.

Q15:

Hey! So, I’ve been out since I was in my early twenties and am approaching thirty. I keep finding myself really yearning to immerse myself in queer club nights as I never really have. I never had a period where I was just out dancing surrounded by other queer people on an even irregular basis and I feel like I missed something. Is it too late to start?

Vanessa: Absolutely not too late to start! I’m 31 and before the pandemic I fucking loved queer club nights! I actually miss going out gay dancing more than almost anything else in the world since shelter in place started. I don’t know where you live, but once we’re all able to go out dancing again look up some dance nights in your city and go for it! I think being in your thirties rules, and is a great time to start whatever the heck you want to start! SEE YOU ON THE DANCE FLOOR (WHEN WE ARE DONE BEING SOCIALLY DISTANT)!

Archie: I’m 34 and would totally go clubbing with you!

Stef: I’m 36 and would totally go clubbing with you!

Abeni: It’s definitely not too late, but in my city there are some summer daytime queer+ dance parties on Sunday afternoons that are dope for the older crowd. Your city might have some chiller parties like this? If I were to go to the “club” these days (I’m 32), it’d be there. Or you can ask around to see where the “older” folks like Vanessa, Archie, and Stef go. I think that might be nice; I would feel very weird dancing with 18 or even 21 year olds, you know? If you’re not worried about that, or if you want to really go ham, then just go for it! It’ll be great!

Malic: It’s not too late! Dancing feels amazing no matter how old you are. You might have to experiment with different dance parties and clubs before you find a spot that suits your age group and your vibe. Consider it “research.” If you’re looking for a socially distant option in the meantime, try Club Quarantine, a nightly queer dance party on Zoom.

Q16:

To the witchy side of Autostraddle: my mom has been experiencing what she describes as a malevolent spiritual presence and drain on her energy. She started a reiki treatment that she thinks is helping, but any ideas for wards or rituals she could use to fend this off? Thanks!

A:

Nicole: Hi there! I’m sorry to hear about your mom. I hope you both are doing okay right now and maybe things are better now since you wrote in. There are sort of five parts to my answer. First, quick & easy witchy tips for when you feel spiritually unsafe are: 1) Ask your mother to envision light around herself, especially spiky, stabby light. You can also do this for your mother. 2) You can make protective salt, whether you’re quarantining in the same space or connecting over video chat, you can do this together. Mix kosher salt and protective herbs. Some quick googling will give you a list, but a good start is just some rosemary and basil. Hold the bowl/jar/vessel and envision it protecting you. Say words that make sense to you to this effect. Either sprinkle on your doors and window sills immediately, or leave it out in the moonlight overnight before use. Second, often negative feelings amplify the sense that there are negative spiritual presences in our lives. How many haunted house stories are there where the family is already struggling with interpersonal relationships, finances, other worries? SO MANY. If your mom is experiencing negative feelings, then it probably won’t hurt for her to look into therapy if she hasn’t already, or to see if she can increase her number or length of sessions or talk to her doctor about her mental health options. It is definitely not the most ideal time to be shopping for therapists,, and I’m sorry this sucks, but if she has insurance, some providers are working on making it easier to get virtual / phone appointments and seeking emotional support from a trained therapist is, in my opinion, a great accompaniment to seeking spiritual healing elsewhere. Third: if you want to dive more deeply than the above, you can reference some of the books in Rachel’s post: Season of the Witch: 25 Books on Witches, Witchcraft and Wonder. Some are fiction so not quite what you’re after, but others are nonfiction how-to guides and studies of witches/witchcraft. Fourth: I would always caution when using spiritual or magical practices from cultures that may not be your own (and I have no idea if this applies to this situation or not). Some are closed to those outside the associated religion or spiritual practice, and one always wants to be respectful. And just from personal experience, I feel like I’ve seen a lot of people practicing something they’re calling Reiki that is really just like some weird free-form hodgepodge that they’ve slapped a Reiki label on (not that I know much about it, but when I hear about some of the things people are doing and calling Reiki I’m like whaaaat that doesn’t pass the sniff test). I encourage you to do some Googling and explore this further! Finally, while there are many awesome spiritual people in the world who also offer some services for money because their time and work and knowledge are valuable, there is a LONGSTANDING history of people being defrauded specifically over “curses,” “malignant spirits” and things like that! So, when paying someone else to help you (or in this case, your mother paying someone else to help her), please be cautious. Up-selling is a red flag. The spiritual presence getting worse, or negative feelings getting worse is a red flag. The Atlantic wrote about this pattern. So, always, caution. Finally, there is the old fashioned advice, which it seems you are already taking, but it cannot hurt: call your mom. I’m sure she’d love to hear from you, especially in these isolated times. xoxoxo

Q17

Hi all,
I have a question and I’m not sure where else to get advice so any support will be appreciated!
Bisexual, mid-thirties female here.
I have been married to a man for quite some time now. We are in a committed relationship. He has always known I am bisexual (came out in my teens). Recently I have really been missing women- to the point where it is starting to make me feel uncomfortable. Not quite unhappy but it is becoming an issue for me.
Most advice I’ve read online always mentions opening up your relationship. While I wouldn’t have an issue with this
per se, I know my husband would have an issue so I would never ask him to consider this. He is quite conservative when it comes to sex.
I can’t imagine I’m the first bisexual to feel this way and I was wondering how others incorporate their same/other sex urges in to their sex lives without another individual?
I have obviously been reading (and very much enjoying!) Slick but I almost feel this makes the longing worse. Almost like ‘this is what you could be enjoying’.
I feel like a part of me is missing and I worry that if I don’t address this I will get frustrated and it will end up ruining my marriage.

Thank you in advance,
Longing for a Lady

A:

Archie: Guess what, you’re NOT the first bisexual to feel this way! I would urge you to read this advice I wrote a few months back–it is not perfectly aligned with your experience but pretty damn close. Instead of focusing on the negative (“ruining my marriage”, “I know my husband would have an issue”), take a moment and lead with your imagination. Where does, without consequences, your imagination lead you? If you were to close your eyes and let your fantasies take over, what do they look like? Now consider: you are allowed to have that, you are allowed and you deserve whatever your wildest imagination wants you to have. Consider this: you are brave. You are capable of naming your desires and asking for them. And consider this: your husband is a capable adult man, it is not your job to shield your desires from him. We owe it to ourselves to have the hard conversations with the people we love, we owe it to them as well.

Abeni: I agree that you should talk to your husband. If he can’t deal, and a marriage therapist can’t help, then your marriage might not be serving you.

But I think it’s also very important first to think about why you’re feeling this. Truthfully, and be really honest with yourself: Are you missing women or are you missing sex that isn’t with your husband in general? Has the sex you have with your husband gotten boring or unsatisfying in some way, and what have you done about that? Is there something else missing in your emotional connection to him or in your relationship that has you feeling subconsciously unsatisfied?

Are you missing some ineffable “feminine” energy you used to get with sex with women? Are there things in bed some of the women you’ve been with would do, that you associate with sex with women, that he can’t or won’t do (or doesn’t even know you want him to do)? Lots of things that cis women can do in bed can be done by partners of many different body types, but especially with straight men, you really have to ask because it’s usually not going to come “naturally.” It’s possible you’re just not getting what you need from him sexually.

Follow Archie’s advice and fantasize. What was there in your fantasy that he couldn’t do? Not that you’re sure he wouldn’t want to do, even though you’ve never asked him. And imagine how it might feel to have him be a part of that fantasy. Have y’all discussed your satisfaction with y’all’s sex life lately? You should really dig into this, and even talk it through with a therapist if you can.

If you’ve gone through all this introspection and it turns out you just really miss the taste of pussy or something, and will never be satisfied sexually unless you indulge that desire, and he doesn’t have one, opening up your marriage or splitting up might be the only option. And monogamous marriage to someone without one might not be the best relationship style for you.

Q18:

Hi AS! Thanks for being awesome always and giving me a queer home on the internet when my social life is tragically straight :D
My question is: will the physical stuff work if the chemistry just isn’t “there” at the start of a relationship?
I’m seeing this woman (mostly over skype and then 2 metres apart on a walk, which is allowed in Denmark, where I’m from) and we’ve been texting most days since mid March. We matched on Tinder and had great chat right off the bat.
But she seems a little inexperienced/nervous/shy, and I have a hard time feeling that magnetic attraction that I want and have had with previous partners.
Is it just Miss Rona messing with my head or is this a lost cause?

Thanxxxxx and great big queer consensual hugs and love

Vanessa: I’m not sure if others will disagree, but I personally don’t think it will work if the chemistry isn’t there at the beginning. I have tried to date people where this is the case hoping the attraction and the sexual energy will grow, but it’s never really worked out for me, and sex and sexual attraction is a very important part of a relationship for me, so if it’s not there, I have learned it’s not a good idea for me to pursue. That said I know sex and sexual attraction isn’t such a big deal for everyone, and I’d be curious to hear what others think. My general feeling is like, the beginning is the most exciting part, so if I’m already unexcited in the beginning, that’s not a great sign! THAT SAID yes, coronavirus pandemic is definitely messing with all of our heads, so it’s possible this is situational and will shift when things are slightly different, in terms of the pandemic. Oof I think my short answer is “I don’t think this is gonna work out, sorry” and my slightly longer answer is like, “except I feel kinda mean saying that, curious what others feel!”

Drew: I agree with Vanessa! But with the caveat that you have not even kissed this person yet. I don’t know… generally speaking if the initial attraction isn’t there it probably won’t form for me personally? But if you really like this person otherwise, I do think it’s worth waiting until you actually CAN be physical with this person and see if there is chemistry you don’t expect. Of course, if your lack of attraction is so strong you don’t even want to have that eventual physical encounter, then I would say you have your answer, and yay for a possible new friend.

Abeni: I DISAGREE with Drew and Vanessa! It really depends on how important sex is to you. To me, having an emotional, intellectual connection, shared values, good communication, etc. is sexy. Feeling safe and comfortable with someone I can rely on is sexy. I don’t know if I even feel sexual desire otherwise, and I definitely don’t usually feel it for people I don’t yet know well. Everyone’s different! It could definitely work for you.

Unless having that “magnetic spark” of attraction is very important to you, or having a very frequent, active sex life where y’all can’t wait to jump each others’ bones all the time is important to you. If it is, then I’d follow Drew’s advice and see how it goes once you can actually get physical. If there’s still no spark, then you might need to move on.

There’s also the option of actually talking to her about this, which really should be your first step. You can ask her, “hey, I’m not feeling very strong vibes of attraction from you, how are you feeling about us?” or something like that. Or you can beat around the bush a bit; you can have a conversation about how each of you normally behave in relationships: if they’re the type to flirt or make the first move, or if they’re typically shy, etc. This can key you into whether she’s like this with everyone and it’s just how she is, or if she’s not actually that hot on you.

Q19:

Please could I have some advice on having sex as a fat person, and what toys/positions/tips you have? I’m not sure if you have an article like this and I would find it so useful! When I Google this, I mainly get fat lesbian porn.

A:

Vanessa: We do have an article about this! Last year Courtney Trouble wrote us this very excellent piece, Like a Little Act of Vengeance: F*cking While Fat and it’s so good and so helpful! In terms of other tips, I will say that as a small fat person I like to fuck other fat people, I like props that can help me move my body the way I want to, and I like dicks that are slightly longer than you think you’ll need. I would also recommend getting on Instagram and finding some fat queer sex positive folks to follow there – there’s a whole world of us out there. It’s also helpful to receive this question because now I know its of interest to at least one reader, and it’s on my radar to get more people to write toward this, so thank you for writing in!

Archie:This book is an awesome resource! It’s not specifically targeted for lesbians but v helpful about toys/tips!

Q20:

So the last few people I was really into said they were feeling more friend vibes from me. How do I stop giving off those vibes? Am I supposed to flirt? I feel like I always start by trying to get to know people better first, and that feels like it’s fucking me over.

Drew: You’re allowed to give off friend vibes and then move it into not friend vibes if that’s the approach and pace that works for you! There’s no such thing as a friendzone. You can lead with one energy and then shift that energy once you have a better idea of what you want. Should you flirt? Yeah, if you want to! If you enjoy flirting while getting to know someone, or if you know you want a relationship to get romantic/sexual after the initial getting to know them period. You get to decide this for yourself! There isn’t a right answer here.

I do think it’s worth checking in with yourself and considering if you ever use “getting to know the person” as a way to reduce risk of rejection. If that’s the case then you can definitely push yourself to start flirting earlier in a relationship with someone. But if you just feel good about taking your time and not making any moves until you really know someone? Then great, that’s what works for you. Plenty of people will not be surprised when you start shifting “new friendship” into “flirting.” It’s called being queer.

Abeni: To add to what Drew said: it’s also possible that they told you they were getting “friend vibes” from you, when really they were getting friend vibes from themselves. Maybe they just weren’t that into you, just saw you as a friend, and let you down “easy” or something?

Did you get flirtatious vibes from their direction? If so, did you reciprocate? Did you tell them early on you were into them? I think a lot of us expect things to just “happen,” and some of us don’t want to wait around for it to. Being upfront doesn’t have to mean flirting. It could mean you literally say, “Hey, um, I think you’re really cute, and I wonder if you’d want to go on a date.” Matter of fact, stop “hanging out” with people you want to date. Ask them on a date! Then they know your intentions up front. You can get to know people on a date; that’s what they’re for!

Malic: I’m notoriously bad at picking up on subtle flirty vibes. I don’t know that a person is into me unless they VERY EXPLICITLY express attraction or an interest in dating. If you’re giving “friend vibes” to folks you want to bang, consider practicing clarity (“I think you’re really cute. I’d love to go on a date”). Then you’ll both be getting the feedback you need early on the interaction so you have some idea of what you’re both open to and where it might be going.

Q21:

I’m a queer 25 year old and I haven’t had a lot of sexual experience. Is it better to find someone in a similar boat so we can figure it out together or should I aim to date someone who knows the ropes? Will people who are more experienced with sex even want to date me?

A:

Archie: Instead of looking for someone with similar sexual experience or someone more experienced, look for someone you have chemistry with! Someone who excites you and turns you on and seems receptive! Every time you sleep with a person it is a new experience–for both of you. Just because they know what feels good for other bodies doesn’t automatically mean they’ll know what feels good for your body (or that they’ll be skilled at telling you how to please them).

Abeni: I second Archie. Quit thinking about it. It likely won’t matter! Someone with very little experience could be the one to light you up and someone with a lot could be boring or just not what you’re into. The only advice I’d give is to do a lot of masturbation and get really familiar with what feels good to you. Then you can start with that stuff when you’re with a new person, and it could help the sex to feel pretty good from the jump, which will help ease your anxiety about it. Also: unless everyone’s putting their level of experience on their dating app profiles now, I don’t know how anyone would “sort” by this metric. if someone likes you and wants to date you it’s very unlikely they’ll be turned off by your being an enthusiastic newcomer. If they are, then they’re not a good match for you, and you can cut your losses and move on. But again, I think that’s very unlikely.

Malic: I agree with Archie and Abeni — you don’t have to limit your options for sexual partners. Find someone who excites you and don’t be afraid to ask questions! I’ve had lot of queer sexual experience, and I still ask for a lot of guidance any time I have sex with a new person. Everyone has different physical needs and boundaries. Everyone has certain forms of touch that feel good to them and some forms of touch that don’t. A conversation about what you both like is a normal part of a queer sexual experience, so if you’re worried that you won’t know what you’re doing, just ask them about what they like. You won’t seem like a newb — you’ll seem like someone who’s invested in their sexual partner’s comfort and pleasure.

Q22:

I’m British. We have the second highest death rate in the world (likely if you’re reading this you either have the first or second highest). My schizophrenic dad lives in a very small flat (bedsit/one roomed apartment) and hasn’t been coping during lockdown. He plans to go out as soon as it opens up. Lockdown looks like it will be over soon, far sooner than I trust as far as safety and death toll goes.

Knowing I can’t stop him from going out, how do I stop worrying that he’s going to die?

A:

Abeni: My mom invited me to come visit her for Mother’s Day, and I said no. She got upset! It’s also my nephew’s birthday, and they’re planning a gathering with my mom, brother, his ex-wife and their two kids, and I just found out they invited my dad too (they’ve been divorced for 30 years but are on good terms and he wants to see the grandkids). My mom is in her 60s and has had multiple surgeries over the last few months because she may have cancer. She’s like, incredibly vulnerable. I can’t convince them this is a bad idea.

To actually answer your question, I don’t know if there’s much you can do other than tell him how you feel and try to help him be as safe as possible. Tell him you’re worried about his health, and remind him that if he gets sick, you and your other family members will suffer, both emotionally and because you’ll likely have to support him. He might be like many who only think of this pandemic in terms of their own safety and haven’t extrapolated to think about how it affects everyone around them. Remind him that he could also be asymptomatic and infect countless other people he comes into contact with.

Unfortunately, other than that, and maybe sending him a mask and some gloves, I don’t know what you can do if the death toll and all of the news we know about COVID-19 hasn’t convinced him.

Jehan: I agree with Abeni, and would just add that, as bleak as it sounds, it’s important to remember that he will eventually die. I don’t mean this to sound flippant at all; I keep thinking that a lot of us are grappling with a loss of feeling in control that allowed us to believe we had far more certainty and control over our circumstances than we did. Pandemic temporarily aside (hahaha @ actually being able to think of anything else), my father has a ton of health issues and it is an honest-to-goodness miracle that he is still alive. But with Covid-19, it’s been a case of the devil I know vs. the devil I don’t. As hard as it is to manage a parent’s illness(es), it’s far easier to manage a known quantity than the unknown. As much as possible, I think it’s just good to extend some grace to your father and to yourself. I think Abeni’s suggestions about making sure that he has the proper personal protective wear is important, and a mask and gloves will make sure that he can at least be in spaces with other people without being a risk to them. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t let him know how worried his proposed course of action makes you. I think you definitely should. And (unless I’m misreading/projecting some caretaker energy here), I also think it’s important for your own peace of mind to release yourself from any idea of control or culpability when it comes to the choices your father makes. Trust me, I know this is painful. I also have relatives who seem like they’re going out of their way to ignore best practices for safety during this pandemic. But say what you need to say to him, and then as much as possible, close the issue, knowing you’ve done all that’s within your power to do.

Q23:

My ex passed away almost two years ago, and I haven’t dated anyone super seriously since. How and when do I bring up this baggage?

A:

Archie: This, like all things we disclose with potential partners, is totally up to you. “Disclosure” is a broad term that can be applied to many different things. We all have heavy things we are working on and are nervous about discussing with the people we want to bring into our lives. Think about the way you would want to have this discussion: would you feel comfortable discussing it in person on a first date? Would you want to only discuss it with someone you’ve grown to trust? Or would you want it to be a thing future potential partners know from the get-go? Would you rather share it via a text, providing a little bit of a buffer and barrier between you and your new romantic interest? I know some people who put things like this right on their dating profile–not as a way to alert people to “baggage” but because it’s just a part of your life, it doesn’t have to be talked about but maybe you’d rather people know this about you before agreeing to a date. The good part about sharing tough stuff over text is that it gives them time to process (away from you! With their friends or therapist) and gives you a chance to contact your support circle to decompress. Remember: you don’t have to process this with them. It’s okay to tell future partners what happened without going into details and to put up boundaries on what can be discussed. Also consider purchasing this book, it’s about sex but there’s also tips about navigating new relationships.

Abeni: (Content warning: suicide mention) My ex died by suicide in 2016. It sent me into a multi-year near-death mental health spiral (I’m fine now}. It tanked many of the short-lived relationships I attempted in the years afterward until I’d really committed to processing and releasing it.

I don’t remember when I brought this up with my current partner, but it was probably a couple months into our relationship. I didn’t sit her down and discuss it, it just came up. If I’d met her a year earlier, I would have been a mess and would definitely have had to be like, “Hey, so here’s what’s up.” So it really depends on where you are in your processing of the experience. What is your baggage like? Is it a little fanny pack? Or a massive set of trunks?

That’s so important when you’re thinking about when and how to discuss it. How are you dealing with it? Are you emotionally unavailable still, or crushed by the weight of the past, or not over the ex? If so, I’d say continuing to thoroughly process those things is more important than getting in a new relationship. If it’s something you’re working through in therapy, though, and have a handle on, then I don’t know why it has to be a big deal or something you have to “disclose.”

I remember when a partner told me she’d been cheated on by an ex. If that was “baggage,” it was fanny pack-sized. She was more anxious about being left and/or betrayed, and more prone to jealousy, than the “average” person, probably. I made a conscious effort to not exacerbate that and to remind her of my commitment to her and have extra empathy for those feelings knowing her past. If your feelings about your ex are at that level, they seem like normal dating stuff that will come up whenever it does.

On the other hand, If it’s a huge thing that still affects your day-to-day life, and will be an integral part of your dating life, that’s different. Like, if you have major trauma around it, and need accommodations from a partner beyond general empathy, like censoring mentions of death or treading very lightly when talking about exes, then I think the conversation should come up early. I think it can be as simple as, “Hey, I wanted to let you know that this happened a couple years ago, and it affected me pretty hard, but here’s how I’m working through it: __________________ and here’s what I need from you: __________________.” If you don’t have the second half of that sentence yet, though, you might have to do some more work before it’s fair to be in a serious relationship with anyone.

Q24:

I have a super specific request! I have chronic back pain which gets worse around my period, and I am nonbinary and have dysphoria around my period! I do yoga sometimes, which helps with pain, but I can’t find any resources for yoga to help menstrual cramps that aren’t super womanhood focused. This may not be a thing that exists but I thought if anyone might know, it would be autostraddle! ty pls help

A:

Archie: Woof, this is hard and I am sorry you’re experiencing pain! It is super common for back pain to flare up with menstrual cramps. I don’t do yoga (and neither does my partner who has chronic back pain) so I can’t help you specifically with that, but we’ve had luck researching stretches and movements that target the sciatic nerve. Maybe look up stretches specifically for back pain instead of menstrual-focused movements! Good luck!

Malic: You’re in luck! The popular yoga YouTuber Yoga With Adriene made a “Yoga For Cramps And PMS” video that uses gender-neutral language. I hope this resource helps you out!

Q25:

Any advice for a dry shampoo novice? I want to try it out but I don’t know where to start and I’m afraid to go into Ulta and get accosted by too-helpful salespeople. 😬 HEELP!

A:

Vanessa: Yes! My one weird dry shampoo trick is that I use this NYX Finishing Powder, which is technically a face powder, and it’s incredible. I have tried several real dry shampoos and none have worked, but my best friend recommended this product to me and my only complaint is that I can’t buy it in like a gallon bottle all at once. At night I pour a small amount into my hand, sort of pat it all around my roots, rub it in as best as I can, and when I wake up literally all the grease has been absorbed from my hair! It’s truly magical. Also I have dark brown hair and it becomes invisible once it has soaked up the grease, so no matter what color your hair is don’t worry that it’s like seemingly bright white. Also I do think putting it on at night is the best because it really has time to soak things up, but if you forget and need to do it in the morning that’s fine too, just rub it in extra well. You’re welcome!

Q26

This may be an odd question, but I figured the A+ comment box would be a good place to start my research: Do you have a favorite place to buy fancy pajamas that are more “masculine” styled? I’m thinking like long sleeve button up top and pant bottoms. Kind of like those striped matching pajamas that Lucy and Ricky would wear?

A:

Abeni: TBH I love Old Navy. I bought my gf and I matching PJs this past xmas. They were cheap and comfy. They came in a onesie (for her) and in a “men’s” matching top and bottom (like what you’re describing) that were the same print. It was cute! Check them out. If you’re looking for slightly higher quality, Gap is the same deal, just more expensive.

Malic: First, I must tell you that I appreciate your use of the term “fancy pajamas.” Second, I’m with Abeni on this — there are great options at Old Navy and the Gap. If you’re looking for PJs that are particularly fancy (i.e. pricey), Made Trade has some stylish options that are fair trade and made from sustainable fabric. Also, if you’re a person who is typically too short for “men’s” sizes, don’t be afraid to check out “boys’” sizes!