We all remember the First Girl. The one who made us go “Wait a minute,” or pushed us right off our axis, or maybe even broke our hearts. Sometimes she’s a friend, sometimes she’s a stranger, sometimes she’s straight, but she’s always there — the leading lady in every coming out story. In this case, I mean that literally. My First Girl was one of the stars of our high school theater department.

Leanne and I met in choir, which meant long hours in each other’s company and ample opportunities for me to fall headfirst into infatuation. The process of coming out to her, then to the world, and finally professing my love spanned two years, multiple choral festivals, and one high school musical (the official unit of time for artsy kids). And to her credit, she could not have responded better — especially given how Republican our hometown was. (Blessedly, I hear the tides are changing there now.) My crush on her deflated the minute I admitted it, but over ten years later, she’s still one of my closest friends. We talk at least once every couple weeks. There is life, dear readers, on the other side of high school queer confession.

In the mold of Interview With My Ex-Girlfriend, here’s an Interview With My High School Crush that would make 16-year-old me weep with joy. You’ll see.

How long have we been friends?

It has to be since the beginning of high school, ish. My sophomore year, your freshman year. I was probably 15 — so you were 14? Holy shit.

I think you’re one year off, actually. I think it was my sophomore year, your junior year.

That makes a little more sense. But it’s not like we didn’t know each other; we didn’t become friends until my junior year, but I definitely knew you existed. We were in school together, and we were both in choir.

Yeah, in that way, we were very much in the same universe. Do you remember when we met?

Oh my God, way to put me on the spot. Do you?

Yeah! I was meeting the love of my teenage life, of course I remember!

[Laughs] That’s great! That’s so great.

Do you want to hear my memory of it?

Oh, I do. I really, really do.

I think it was at the airport before choir tour that year. Because I remember being in the elevator with you, going into the terminal. It’s such a specific memory for me. I knew who you were, but that was the first time I’d ever shared space with you.

You’re right! Now that you say it, yes, definitely. I just have this recollection of, like, “Oh, we must have bumped into each other in the hall and then we were besties. That’s how it goes sometimes!” But now you’re saying that, and that was totally our first interaction.

Right. And I remember seeing you and thinking “Oh my God, she’s so beautiful. She’s so beautiful.”

I love it. And I was just like [Singsong voice] “Doo doot dooooo,” totally not getting it.

The weird thing, though, is that I didn’t even know I was gay then.

Yeah, I know. Because you weren’t dating anybody then.

No, but —

But you did start dating somebody.

[Laughs] Oh, the readers of Autostraddle.com are gonna love this. Right. So on that trip, I wound up in this weird love triangle with these two boys that I clearly didn’t wanna be in, but I was like “Okay…?” And then one of them sucked less than the other, so I decided to date him upon returning.

Oh, God. That’s right!

Yeah! He was so sweet. He and I are still friendly. He’s delightful. But he was a guy.

It wasn’t your cup of tea.

Exactly. But you know what was my cup of tea, was you.

[Laughs]

Our friendship sort of blossomed on that trip as well, and was developing side-by-side with my relationship with him. And how I realized I was gay — I had a feeling, but how I knew — was that I was so much more invested in you. What you were doing, the stuff you cared about.

[Hasn’t stopped laughing]

Depending on how I felt that day — I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this — I would change my route through school to either go by your locker on purpose, or avoid you.

[Still laughing] Oh my God, Carrie. That’s funny. I don’t think you’ve told me that, no.

So that’s how I knew — I was like “Oh, I like her… a lot more than I like my boyfriend. I know we’re just friends, but I don’t feel this way about this guy.”

I remember we became friends really quickly. But also, that’s just how I am. Like, “Oh, whoops, now we’re really close!”

I would agree with that. I think you tend to be trusting of people.

Well, and I just know my people. And I’ve always been that way. I mean, obviously. You’re still one of my people, I still talk to you all the time, and it’s been over ten years. I always knew you’d be one of the people I’d carry on with. There was no other option, in my mind.

“I’ve never doubted for a second that you’re this magnificent person. Something in me always kind of knew that. I just knew it. So to have somebody like that tell you they’re in love with you — I really felt loved. I really did.”

So let’s jump ahead a little to the next year. I was a junior, you were a senior.

Right. And our choir teacher knew that you were in love with me by then.

Yeah, I’d told her.

And at that point you were, like, in love with me.

Yes.

You knew. I was still blissfully unaware.

So did you not realize at all that I was totally in love with you?

Oh no. No idea. I had no clue; I didn’t even know you were gay! I didn’t know how you felt about me until the night you told me. And even then, I was like “Oh — ohhh.”

But I think also, part of my personality is that I can be that oblivious. So I think I was like “Oh, we’re just best friends! Obviously!”

Do you remember when I came out to you?

Not really, no. And I know that’s awful. But now all I can think about is the night when you told me you were in love with me. [Laughs] That night, I’ll remember forever.

Okay, what do you remember about that night?

We must have gone out to get coffee or something, because we were in my car. At that point I had the dark green Camry —

Aww, RIP Camry! I loved that car!

Seriously. So we had come back, and we were in your driveway. I feel like I knew you needed to talk to me; that’s why we’d gone out that night, because I sensed that. And you totally had me freaked out. You must have been acting kind of weird that night and for a while before. Because when you were like “There’s something I need to tell you,” I thought you were dying. I had no clue.

I could tell it was something big. I was like “Oh fuck, this is huge. What is she gonna say to me?” And then you just told me you were in love with me, and I was like “Oh my God. What a relief. A) I’m really glad you’re not dying, and b) I love you so much.”

I just remember feeling “Oh my God. Okay, I see.” And just being so thankful. Having someone of your caliber, somebody who is obviously this immensely wonderful person, be in love with me and see me in that way was like, “Oh, if I could, yes, believe me.”

That’s so nice!

That’s the thing — I’ve never doubted for a second that you’re this magnificent person. Something in me always kind of knew that. I just knew it. So to have somebody like that tell you they’re in love with you — I really felt loved. I really did.

Also, I felt super hot. I was like “Oh, wow! This is great! Okay then!”

[Laughs] I do remember that. That’s sort of how I knew you were gonna take it well and we were gonna be okay. Also, thank you. That’s all amazing of you to say. That’s the way I felt about you, and is the way I feel about you still, but without the…

Misguided teen lust?

Exactly. [Both laugh] I just thought that you were so talented and gorgeous and funny. You were magnetic to me, and completely unlike anyone I’d ever met. Around this time was also when you were in Guys and Dolls, right?

Yeah.

I bring that up because it was a seminal moment in my gay development. You were Miss Adelaide, and I came to see you so. Many. Times. If they went back and tallied the ticket info from that, I’d pop up more often than anybody except, like, people’s moms.

[Laughs] Oh my God, Carrie, that’s amazing. I did not know that.

I was there so much! Because by then we were friends, and it was your first big role. For the record, you were incredible. But also, it just made me fall for you that much more. Seeing you in that element and being like “Oh wow, she’s so good at this.” It was hard!

Oh, I’m sure! I can’t even imagine, honestly.

“There was an intensity to you in high school. I think I got more of a front row seat to that than other people… I knew this other side of you, which was that you were going through a lot of shit.”

What was I like in high school?

You were ridiculously intelligent and a very, very, very good friend. I thought of you that way, and I know there were other people, too, who would say “Carrie’s solid. She has your back, she’s your person.” And also, I feel like coming out was huge for you internally, but also in terms of how you presented yourself.

There was an intensity to you in high school. I think I got more of a front row seat to that than other people — because you didn’t let them see that part of you, ever. I think to other people, you were just super great all the time, super smart, getting shit done, always perfect. But I knew this other side of you, which was that you were going through a lot of shit — in high school, of all places.

Right. You were in the room when I officially came out for real. Do you remember that?

Oh yeah, definitely.

How did you feel being there? Because I’d asked you to come. It was at a Gay-Straight Alliance meeting, and I knew I was gonna say it, so I asked you to be there.

I felt so good, I felt so proud. I felt like, “Oh my gosh, Carrie is being Carrie — real Carrie, in front of everybody.” Even the Mormons! Were you out to our Mormon friends before then?

I’d come out to some of them one-on-one to test the waters, but there were a lot of people who didn’t know. And where we grew up was pretty conservative at that time.

It’s funny — I don’t think I ever really got how conservative it was. I don’t know where it comes from, because certainly my family doesn’t hold the same beliefs that I do, but it never occurred to me that you being gay would be a problem for anyone. Fundamentally, I don’t understand how it’s something you could be against. So I never quite had an awareness that that belief, that homophobia, was real for so many of our friends. To me it just never made sense. So anybody who said stuff like that, I was just like, “Nah” and never took them seriously, which I’m sure they loved.

But yes, I remember that day. I was so proud, just that you asked me to be there. Wow. Again — “This person fucking loves me enough to want me here for this moment?” I felt cool! I really did!

That’s so sweet! Because I always thought you were so much cooler than me, and that was part of my attraction to you. I was amazed that you even wanted to be friends at all. I had real rose-colored glasses on about you in high school.

Oh, I know, I get that. When you’re in love and also that infatuated with someone, everything can feel really different than it actually is. I understand that, and it’s even more meaningful now that I get it and have been in love myself. Of course you had rose-colored glasses on.

I really thought you were a flawless person.

Oh, it’s so great. [Both laugh]

How have I changed, and how has our relationship changed, since then?

You’re completely different than you were in high school. Really, though. I mean, you’re still Carrie — you’ve still got shit on lock, and you’re still ridiculously awesome and super intelligent and absolutely wonderful. But you’re just… you’re you. It took a while for you to actually be fully gay. There were some road bumps, there were some… people that had to be dealt with [laughs], but they helped push you toward where you had to go.

You’re definitely fully who you are now. And I always knew we were gonna get to this point. I’ve talked about this! “Oh, can I come to your cool parties where all the awesome power lesbians are?” “Sure!” And then it happens.

You literally came to a New Year’s party at my girlfriend’s house this year.

Yeah! With a bunch of super awesome gay women! Told you!

What was that like for you, seeing my life? Because we don’t live in the same place, so now a lot of our friendship happens over the phone — we talk all the time, but it’s not like we’re in each other’s day-to-day.

That was fantastic. I was just like, “Jesus, you’re so hip, I can’t even deal.” It was so cool I didn’t know what to do. But also, I’d expect this from you. Everybody was so rad.

It felt important to bring you into my world and show you what I’ve actually been doing, because we’d sort of existed in this vacuum for each other. I was so excited that you got to meet my girlfriend, too.

That was so beautiful. She is so beautiful, and you are so beautiful together. Even just all your cute photos on Instagram — I can’t even like them enough. I like them so much it hurts. But seeing you together in real life — you’re with her, and she’s with you, there’s so much love there, and I’m like, “Thank God.” Because it took a minute, y’know? For so many reasons. But just to see a friend in that space is the best. “You’re in a good relationship that comes with ridiculously awesome friends who do amazing work? Great!”

Also, they all thought you were really hot. The minute you left, everybody was like, “You had good taste in high school!”

[Laughs] I feel like I always look significantly hotter when I’m in Los Angeles. It’s, like, this inner thing. Talk about high school — my inner LA can’t not come out when I’m there. All of a sudden I just get five degrees hotter.

You are very hot, still. I will say that.

Well, thanks — I’m not gonna turn that down! [Laughs]

“There’s a truth to you. You’ve always had it, it was there even before we met, but I think I’ve learned what it is to be true to yourself through you.”

Okay, so —

Wait. You know what else I want to say about you getting older?

What?

Your haircut is so perfect right now. [Both laugh] It went through some phases, but I feel like it finally landed at the Hot Gay Lady Short Haircut. It was longer for a while, and then you finally went short, and right now it just looks perfect. Your whole style is, like, slaying now. I’m loving it.

Thank you, I agree. Good segue, actually: did you ever think about dating me in high school, and would you date me now?

Oh my God. [Laughs] Okay. High school, probably not, because I was so straight and white. I was from Republican Suburb, California. The person I am now was there, but wrapped up in that culture. So it was like “Oh, well, I couldn’t, because I’m a nice straight white woman.” There was no flexibility; it wasn’t a concept I had been introduced to. So I probably wouldn’t have dated you, because I just thought “Oh, this is not possible.”

I think, too, at that age, if you are a straight girl, you’re in love with some stupid, awful man-child. I can’t even believe teenage boys are a thing.

On that we agree. And what about now?

I probably would date you now, yeah. I mean, I haven’t dated a woman yet; I keep waiting. I’m really into this girl at work, who’s one of the only women I’ve ever been interested in. I don’t have those feelings all the time for women, but this is my first grown up, Big Girl Crush on a woman. [Editor’s note: The only reason I’m not completely flipping out right now is that she mentioned this situation to me long before our interview. Rest assured I reacted appropriately at the time.]

If we met now, as adults, I would totally date you. Especially if you pursued me.

Aww!

Oh, for sure. Hello! Are you kidding? Now I’m like “Well, guess I’m not as straight as I thought I was.”

Are you not as straight as you thought you were?

Definitely not as I thought I was, no. Again, it was so far away from my consciousness before that it wasn’t even an option. Fluidity wasn’t a thing, and I understand that it is now. But maybe it’s just that I’ve been working for lesbians for the last five years.

I work for lesbians now, and it’s definitely made me gayer, so.

This girl at work is the first woman that I’ve ever been like “I want to make out with you so badly that it’s hard for me to talk to you.” I definitely have a real crush on her. It took me a minute; at first I was like “Oh, you just think this chick’s cool. You wanna be her friend.” And then it kind of changed a little bit, and I’m like “Wait, that’s not what’s happening.”

Oh my God, wait. You’re going through what I went through. You’re me! You’re me at 16! She’s your Leanne!

I mean, it’s not going anywhere. She’s in a relationship, which I want her to continue to be in because it makes her happy — but I also want her to come to my house and sit in the hot tub. I have some conflicting wants and needs. [Laughs]

Also, I gotta say, it doesn’t hurt that men are just really upsetting to me all the time. It’s really hard for me to deal with male energy at all, especially right now. I’m just like “Nope, no thank you.”

Welcome aboard, I’ve been on this train for years. Okay, one last question: what have you learned from our relationship?

Oh gosh, Carrie Wade. I think, really, at the bottom of it, I’ve learned what a true friend is. And I feel like that was always the setup, on some level, between you and I. I was with you and part of a really, really intensely vulnerable moment in your life, and that set the tone for our entire relationship. So I’ve learned what it means to be a true friend, to show up no matter what’s going on. I feel like that’s something you do really well.

You teach me a lot of strength, and I guess that’s just you being you. Witnessing what you’ve gone through in your life, who you are, and knowing the strength you carry, I feel like I’ve learned what strength looks like — which is not something I say lightly or find in many of my other relationships. There’s a truth to you. You’ve always had it, it was there even before we met, but I think I’ve learned what it is to be true to yourself through you. You’ve always been witness to truths that other people can’t see, in my experience. When I think about you, it’s “Oh, this is what friendship means.”

I love you so much, I really do. It bears repeating.

I love you too.

I’ve held you in such high esteem, and I still do — this immense love and deep friendship. Somebody really witnessing you at your worst and at your best, and still showing up. That’s what it’s about.

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